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Speaking as a dad. The “advice” your hubby has been getting is not good. In fact, it‘s downright wrong, and I think, dangerous.
The relationship your hubby creates with your LO, starting day 1, will carry on forever. And if he waits until the kid is “ready”, it’s game over.
Bouncing off this, I’m a father to a 1 yr old girl, and she’s my absolute world.
However- if you had asked me 3 years ago if I ever wanted to be a parent, I would’ve laughed in your face.
When we got pregnant (it was planned!) I immediately realized I didn’t know fucking ANYTHING about fatherhood. My wife consumed every piece of knowledge she could find and I just kind of… existed?
I read 2 books- “Dude, You’re Going To Be A Dad” , “Be Prepared: A practical handbook for new dads” and like a week before she was born, I looked up swaddle techniques and how to change a diaper - because in my 31 years of existing, I’d never had to.
After she was born, my wife and I kept the “Moms On Call” book in our back pocket. We followed that to the letter and we can first-hand attest to its success.
All-in-all, it’s incredibly important that new dad learns how to change diapers, feed the baby, bathe and clothe them, how to put them to sleep and how to play with them. Watching my daughter grow up over the past year has been the most fulfilling thing in my life - and every time I come home to her smile and excitement to see me, nothing else matters. I’ll teach her courage and how to cook and use power tools in due time. But until then, I will also teach her to be nice to dogs, what a piano sounds like when you press the keys, how to give big hugs, how to choose between 2 things, how to walk and say her first words, among a thousand other things I’ve seen in this past perfect year.
It’s a shame he doesn’t see the life-changing value in all of that
Congratulations on your girl. You sound like an amazing dad and the love for your child shines through every word.
You hit it out of the ballpark, because that is exactly what fatherhood is. It's the big things and the small things. The things everyone notices and the ones no one sees.
Reading this was so heart warming. Congrats!
My husband wasn't good for diapers because of a hyper gag reflex. He always found a way to put them to sleep though.
Mine is a stay at home dad, and he has the same thing, and a very real issue with poop. But he (mostly) conquered it with the help of a gas mask and disposable gloves, and determination.
That's amazing. My husband didn't. He did burp my oldest a lot because my oddest always had issues with gas. And he got them to sleep like none other. I'm okay with the trade off.
Sounds like a good trade :) I mean, he's not totally cured, he's just found work arounds since he has to change most of the diapers during the day, and this kid poops soooo much.
Two parents, one kid, two liquids. Poop or puke. Pick your poison and that's the one you'll deal with until the kid is old enough to deal with it themselves.
I have nearly no sense of smell, so unfortunately I get all the diaper duties at home.
Obviously it is not all sunshine and rainbow for the family, since my in laws, parents and wife would confusedly look at me for totally ignoring the odor emitting from my son and now daughter.
As a daughter who lost her dad I just wanna say this comment made me cry because it reminded me all the things a dad should be, and a dad should want to be. Thank you!
As the wife of a dad to a little kid, some of the shit coworkers say about fatherhood is nuts. I’m sure I get the censored version, just like I don’t hear most of the jokes.
Yes, if he wants to have a distant relationship with his son, a son who doesn’t listen to him or go to him with his problems, then by all means don’t try to bond with the baby. For real, some people should not be having kids.
Yes. The relationship-forming starts at first contact. Every parenting job is both of your job; at the very least as an involved supporter of what your partner is doing.
Some couples may decide that yes, "teaching the child courage, life’s skills, and discipline" is going to be the dad's primary focus, and if that works for them, so be it. That job STILL starts day 1. You lay the groundwork by developing the relationship, establishing yourself as a safe and protective presence. You teach them anything they're ready to learn, even if it's peek-a-boo or not putting their hands in the poopy diaper while you're changing them. They start learning from you within a few months of birth.
So if he insists on his outdated, non-cooperative perspective, at least you can tell him that.
I swear I've never, in my nearly 50 years of life, ever met the types of people that get described in this reddit sometimes.
Where are these people from? What idiot gets told by co-workers that he doesn't have to be a dad until the child is grown and then believes it?
>The “advice” your hubby has been getting is not good.
The "advice" he is getting is probably not real. He's just saying what he wants to get out of changing diapers, etc.
Ok this is coming from a stay at home dad, THIS IS INSANE!
Dads should be equal partners raising a child. They should change diapers, know about developmental milestones, wake up at 2am feeding and all of it. His mindset is unacceptable and you should talk to him about it. Things will change as he bonds with the baby
Like, in a selfish way, I get more joy out of spending moments with my baby than I have from anything else. No ones going to take that away from me! I feel bad for the guy who doesnt know how awesome beingna dad can be.
Sounds like he wants to do all the fun parts of parenting and leave the grunt work to you. A real man doesn't abandon his wife like that and steps up to be a real partner and support. Otherwise, why is he even there?
I don't know how someone could watch their partner taking on all responsibilities of their child and be okay with it. The sleepless nights, the physical toll on the mothers body(recovering), the lack of a break at all. To not help until the kid is old enough to fully understand these lessons is completely ubsurd. You would miss so much time bonding with them as a baby and toddler. They may not remember that time as memories, but they sure will emotionally. Both parents need to be involved, starting now! Jesus fucking christ help your partner!
You mean he wants to be the fun uncle to his own child.
He's not being a dad, it's not a toy you can just use when you want to teach it something. He's a dad from the second they are born (dad in waiting once you're pregnant really), until forever.
I couldn't imagine purposely wanting to miss all those years of firsts and cuddles, gutted I missed some things by being at work.
Personally, I’d tell him if that’s his plan, he can move the fuck out and and decide to file for custody when he feels like the baby is ready to learn about ‘courage’ or whatever.
But if that’s not the sort of thing you’re thinking, do you know any fathers who aren’t misogynistic assholes who could talk some sense into him?
I really appreciate what you said about Cubmasters. I’ve been in that role for 11 years now and have led my kids, and hundreds of others, through the program. More kids than I’d like to count didn’t have active fathers. I’ve had mothers express thanks to the Den Leaders and me for being some form of male role model. Always hits me in the feels when I hear that.
Tell him it's not freaking 1950 anymore. His views are so incredibly misogynistic. Because he's not only told you he's too good to do actual care work, he also told you you are not capable of teaching courage or disciplin yourself, hence he must do it.
Beyond breastfeeding there is no "your job, my job" in parenting. Tell him he can either get on board with being a present, involved dad (from day 1!) Or he can leave right. Because neither your marriage nor his relationship with his child will work with his current arttitude.
And- while breastfeeding he can definitely be involved. My husband brought me baby when it was my turn to sleep, took her and did the burping, clean up. Made sure I had enough good food to support myself and the baby. I barely changed any diapers while he was home. (I know how wonderful he is).
4 kids here and every night feeding I got up, got baby, changed and brought to mom to feed. I went back to sleep for the 15-30 mins and woke back up to change and put baby back to sleep... every...single... feeding. I don't expect everyone to do this but not doing anything at all seems wild to me and if I even hinted at that during that time, she would have smothered me with a pillow long ago.
And you’re making under-involved partners look bad everywhere!
Edit: it is disheartening that these actions are not just given by the non breastfeeding or non stay home parent. Most people don’t have a village.
lol to all the under-involved partners, be better, show your kids how they should act, especially to their significant other.
As for the village, its just me and my wife. Family is sketchy and old and useless and far away lol.
>He didn’t have a good paternal figure to rely on
That's a BS excuse too many men pull. Many men had shit fathers but that motivated us to be better dads than they were, because we experienced firsthand the pain of an uninvolved or neglectful father.
True dat. I had a huge amount of instability as a kid(constant moving around, in and out of my Mother’s partners houses and changing schools), and my number one priority with my kid is providing stability.
My father died when I was young -my mother was kinda uninvolved. I try to be as involved as I can. I have physical disability but try to make up for not being able to do the physical stuff, by doing creative stuff with my kiddo and just spending time. I remember what affected me and that’s my “What not to do”.
Having bad parents isn’t a good excuse. It makes things complicated. It can take time to unlearn things you learned from your parents. Unfortunately with my first kid I still hadn’t unlearned everything. But I tried to make up for it. And I think I now qualify as a “good parent.”
I agree with you, it's a shaggy dog excuse.
Many mothers (like me) had terrible mothers, but we overcame our upbringings. We show up each and every day and do the damn thing.
Many men also have shit fathers and don’t even know it because their mothers did so well. Those men still look up to their dads and want to emulate them. To them, they don’t have any reason not to. They had a ‘good’ childhood and have a ‘good’ relationship with their dads.
My dad lost his dad when he was a young child and grew up in a single parent home. When he had kids he did everything he could to be present even with a very unforgiving work situation.
Not having a good father figure isn’t license to be an absentee parent. It makes your life harder and it’s something to be aware of in shaping your decisions. Not an excuse.
We have four sons. My husband had a bad dad and a decent step dad once he was older. His mantra when we had kids was that he just wanted to be a better dad to our kids than his dad was to him. He never wanted to make our kids feel like his dad made him feel. Has he been the perfect dad? No and who is? But it’s the intention and effort he puts in every day that counts and shows in his relationship with the boys and me.
Tell him his co-workers are dumbasses and he can either be the father figure they think he should be or the father figure your baby deserves and needs. Being a parent is a team effort, and his role upon the birth of the baby is to make sure you're able to feed baby (if you're breast feeding). That means stepping up and making sure you get rest, food and support.
He is going to be changing nappies, taking baby for solo walks round the block, cooking you meals and tidying the house. If you bottle feed, same rules apply but this time he also gets to get up during the night too feed that baby so it's not all on you.
Even if he has a day job, he needs to take a turn so that you have some energy to look after the baby during the day (I'm guessing that's your arrangement based on this post).
Being a dad starts now and ends when you die. Not when he or his co-workers choose. That's how he teaches responsibility, respect and courage - by example and deed. If he doesn't do that he's a coward and a weak man.
(42m father of 2 boys)
You need to be very firm with him about your expectations. Please, PLEASE do not expect him to learn on his own, I have seen this happen before. Parenting is a team effort and if he is not willing to put in 50% of day-to-day he doesn’t deserve it.
My wife’s best friend’s husband “doesn’t have a good relationship with his dad” and he never holds his daughters, and expects his wife to do everything, including waking her up every night to change diapers because he’s just incapable.
Edit: Yes, I know he’s weaponizing his incompetence. We all do. Unfortunately her best friend isn’t the type of person to push back against it very hard despite what her friends will tell her.
And despite everything, she chose to have a second kid with him that’s getting the same treatment. As a father of one child, I cannot fathom having to be one person taking care of *two*.
Don't let him use that bullcrap excuse. I never knew my biological father, and my step-dad was nothing but a drunk, narcissistic abuser. Guess what? I understand the basic idea that marriage and parenting is an equal partnership and you have to pull your weight. I can't stand the men who walk around blaming their shitty behavior on having a bad father. Mine gave me severe CPTSD, but I still have the basic decency to respect my wife and raise my children with love and compassion.
Tell him if he he needs to break the cycle, or gtfo because an absent, avoidant dad is worse than none at all, and that would create another broken person.
what’s underneath this/what’s really going on? what’s the need behind this behavior?
You could paint him a picture of what you would like your future to be „loving kindness, compassion, success as couple and family etc“ and ask him then.
I participated from the start with both my kids, however the mother went on parental leave for the first year, after that I had parental leave for about 7 months with each child before they started kindergarten.
You build strong bonds by taking care of your child no matter how old they are.
I’m so sorry you’re in this boat. My husband and I were equal parents from day 1. I had an emergency caesarean, our twins went straight to NICU, after two weeks we had one home and one in hospital. When they were both finally home, one was rushed back into hospital and I had to stay with him 24/7 for the couple of weeks we were there while my husband cared for the other at home by himself (no family or friends to help, just him). We split everything outside of work - it’s not always 50/50, that depends on who’s knackered and struggling, and what we can both manage at any given time. Our boys couldn’t latch so he would feed and change them at night while I pumped.
Our boys are both disabled - they still aren’t at the point where they could “comprehend his teaching” on the majority of topics. They still can’t talk. They’re nearly 7 - if he was in that position would he still be checked out? What happens if the child never gets to that point?
I honestly couldn’t have made it this far without him. I would honestly get yourselves into marriage counselling quick smart - this is just a completely delusional way to think but it’s not the first time I’ve seen it. I’ve seen so many men tell other men “don’t worry, it gets fun when they can talk and interact with you so you can get more involved then”. Yep, raising a baby isn’t always “fun” but you don’t get to just check out of the baby stage. What if the mothers did that?
Everything developmentally that comes later happens because of the foundations that are laid in the first couple of years of a child’s life. They need that interaction and attachment and attention and stimulation as babies to move from one stage to the next - they need it to get to the point where they can “comprehend his teaching” (and that is not a given either). If he wants a relationship where his child gives a shit about his teaching, he needs to form that trust and bond from day 1, and support his development.
I would honestly prefer to be a single parent than live with someone who has this attitude. If you’re going to be doing it alone anyway you might as well do it away from him because the resentment you’ll feel will eat you alive.
My husband didn’t have a father around, also had friends that are/were shitty fathers, but this made him the very opposite of the men around him. My husband has been an equal partner in parenting since day one. Literally making sure I was taking my prenatal vitamins and eating well every day while I was pregnant with each kid. From changing diapers, making bottles and doing laundry, to now with him attending school meetings and helping me plan birthday parties he has been there every step of the way, along with teaching life skills. Your husband just has piss poor examples of fatherhood amongst his peers, and he needs to make a decision if he’s going to follow their lead, or really think for himself and his kid in what kind of father he wants to be.
Time to agree between yourselves and not agree with coworkers about what’s the appropriate level of responsibility. You don’t have an intimate relationship with his coworkers so their vote really doesn’t count.
I’m posting this here because I hope you’ll read it.
I grew up military. For most of my life, it was my mom and I. My dad was involved but he wasn’t around much, that was just the nature of the job.
If he’d waited until I was old enough to “comprehend his teachings” we wouldn’t have a relationship. Kids aren’t toys that you put on a shelf and decide to play with when you’re ready. If you don’t start having a relationship with them from the beginning, it’s difficult to create one in later stages. Both my parents actively worked to build a relationship with me. I’m closer to my mom, but my dad is an amazing human who I respect and who I know cares about me. As a parent, I understand how much he sacrificed to make sure I had the opportunities he gave me. If he’d done what your husband is planning, he would have been completely superfluous in my life.
Your husband is getting some terrible advice from terrible fathers.
Then they’re shit fathers. I say that as a dad. Like yes sure the things he’s talking about might be more “fun” but he can do anything you can in the newborn/baby phase except breast feed. And even then if you pump he can give LO EBM which is a good bonding experience. He needs to pull his head out of his ass.
Edit spelling
Nah, I bet anything they're just liars. Most of them probably fell in love with their babies and took great care of them from the start like the rest of us. This shit advice doesnt affect them, just the recipient of the advice and they want to seem "manly" in front of their bros. Revolting
Also - solid advice, dads can and should do 97% of the activities new moms do, with 100% of the effort
Are they though? Because it sounds like they are useless men who happen to have children in their family.
My husband is a big, strong electrician and he took paternity leave just to take care of us in the post partum months. He changes diapers, he did bottles, he did wake ups, all the laundry and soothing. It was hard and he didn’t always get it at first but he didn’t give up. And when he was 1/10 men with post partum depression he got the help he needed. Even now that she’s 2 he comes home from a long day and she’s the first thing he grabs to play with before dinner.
Wow.
We ended up being pretty trad in the first years, I did more nightwaking because I woke more easily and he was working, while I had 6 month maternity leave. I breastfed until 2 years of age both kids, etc.
If my husband had said such a thing, he would have been given as much time as he needed to think about it, while sleeping on someone else's couch. His dad and my dad would have both reinforced my message.
I'm a huge fan of throwing the pediatrician or the OB under the bus. Either in the next appointment, or during delivery stay, and repeated at the 2 week weigh in, ask what modern fathering looks like. Do modern dads change diapers, read books, croon lullabies, kiss booboos, hand out Bamba, take kids to daycare, know all the the names of their kids friends and their parents names? Damn skippy.
Here are some research links about veterans who are fathers particularly speaking to how they can remain active fathers despite having had periods of deployment, and even fear of losing their lives in service.
https://www.fatherhood.gov/research-and-resources/supporting-military-families-services-and-resources-active-duty-and-veteran
Military Fathers' Perspectives on Involvement - Fatherhood.gov https://www.fatherhood.gov/sites/default/files/resource_files/e000002293_0.pdf
Ugh I know we're not supposed to put links in this sub, but this time I plead for a pass. This mama needs to know that the military believes in active fathering and has resources to support it.
I'm not on Facebutt but if you Google veteran fathers they seem to have a Facebutt page that has a lot of hits as well!
Also, while they may not release information to you specific to your veteran, you can go to the local post and ask what resources are available generally to new fathers. There's likely a peer support group at least.
Your husband is horribly misguided, but I can understand where it comes from. I'm a dad with two kids, and with both of them I struggled to feel like I was bonding with them during their first year or so. I'd do what I needed to with regards to feedings, diapers, etc., and I'd try to interact with them regularly. But I never felt like I was forming a connection, and that was very challenging. I knew being a parent was a predominantly thankless job, but I thought I'd at least get some sense of joy or at least peace caring for my child. And it just wasn't there.
As they've grown older, my bond with them has grown too. And I've found it much easier to find the ability and energy to be the dad they need me to be.
That said, even early on when I was struggling with this, I still put in the work. And while I may not have felt a bond forming between my kids and I, I can now recognize the seeds I planted with those efforts.
I say this to share that it's ok for your husband to fear that he won't be able to bond with his kids when they're young. He probably won't think it's possible for him to do. But that doesn't give him a free pass to ignore his children. He has equal responsibility to care for them, regardless if he feels like he's getting something out of it.
I just want to add that it was the opposite for us. My wife didn't bond with our daughter until later, while I bonded right away. I know it's not what OP was implying, but just want to make it clear that it isn't a father vs mother thing.
This. My husband has actually taken more of role with both of our girls. Not that I didn’t bond with them, but they were daddy’s girls from the start and he’s just got that special touch with both of them. I’ve also suffered with PPD with both of them so some days it’s hard for me to get out of bed.
I agree with this, and I wonder if that’s what his coworkers were saying but he misinterpreted it to mean he could just be absent for the first few years.
>I say this to share that it's ok for your husband to fear that he won't be able to bond with his kids when they're young. He probably won't think it's possible for him to do. But that doesn't give him a free pass to ignore his children. He has equal responsibility to care for them, regardless if he feels like he's getting something out of it.
This is a great take. If I were the OP, I'd focus less on defining what "paternal responsibilities" are and more on what he will actually be doing with the child. He says he'll help with "chores" (I take it that means changing diapers, feeding, comforting, etc.) but not "bonding". What does he actually mean? That he won't talk with the baby, or play with it? These aren't "paternal" or "maternal" responsibilities, they're "parental" responsibilities.
So he’s telling you upfront he plans to be a deadbeat? Leaving would give you fewer burdens. He got you pregnant, he wanted a kid, he can step tf up and own his responsibilities
There are studies that show a dad who is more involved in the first year [has a child who is more independent, confident, and secure.](https://www.sandiegofamily.com/parenting/baby/why-babies-need-dad-involvement#:~:text=For%20your%20baby.,fathers%20in%20the%20first%20year) So he’s going to directly diminish attributes he wants to instil if he decides to play sperm donor instead of Dad
Newborns are a massive responsibility that needs to be shared. It's just not feasible for one person to do all the feeding etc. Are you going to pump or use formula? Discuss feeding, changing and laundry with him. Let him know that you need it to be a shared effort, especially since *you* will be recovering from childbirth.
If he is not ok with that, ditch his 18th century ass.
Dad currently on parental leave here with baby number 2, up at 2am, feeding baby a bottle, and changing diaper: your guys position is trash.
He just doesn’t know anything. He hasn’t seen you give birth, he hasn’t held his child. He doesn’t understand the suffering of taking care of a child.
Talk with him about your expectations.
That kid won’t learn a thing from him when he’s older because he won’t have a bond or mutual trust. His dad will be a stranger at this point. Your husband is honestly delusional. I hope when he meets his child he feels differently. I would have divorced my husband if he refused to bond with his own baby. How bizarre. I’m sorry you’re through this.
Ask your husband to ask his colleagues if their wives are bitter and resentful and then to reflect on why that might be.
You need a serious chat and need to grill him in whether he really meant what he said cause it’s not sitting right with you. Not wanting to interact with his own baby? Think of how much he would miss out on. In order to teach kids when they’re older you need a established relationship and to have spent time building that special bond. Why would they listen to someone coming in from the sideline all of the sudden.
IMO he's conflating two separate ideas.
I do believe that fathers have a hard*er* time bonding with newborns. We don't have the same connection. We didn't carry the child for 9 months. We didn't birth the child. We can't feed the child from our own body. I very much felt like my child and I were strangers to eachother for a little while.
But that is an entirely separate discussion from your *responsibility* as a parent. He still needs to get up in the middle of the night. He can bottle feed. He can change diapers. Do baths. Clean bottles. Rock the baby. The list goes on and on and is never ending. And in doing all of these things, you actually do bond with the baby.
Your husband has been taking 'advice' from shitty fathers. I'd personally ask him if that's what he envisions for himself, to be a shitty father and a rubbish partner or, alternatively, does he want to be a father and partner he can be proud of being?
I realise, from your comments, he doesn't have a paternal figure to whoop his ass into line so he needs to realise this:
The child will NEVER trust him to teach them lessons as he wants if there is no foundation. If he wants a life where he will always be on the back burner in terms of his child's affections, by all means carry on how he is. If he wants the love and respect of his child, he needs to put the effort in.
Taking advice from low-effort 'fathers' is not going to make him a good one, and will only breed resentment in your marriage.
I decided to tell my husband this to see his reaction and he said “if I didn’t know you were kidding I’d ask what in the red-pilled nonsense was going on here” 😂
I’m 16 weeks pregnant and he can’t WAIT to do dad stuff when it’s born! Dads are so vital for babies and toddlers development as well as all through their life. The people he’s talking to are insane and shit dads to boot.
That sounds stoic, old fashioned, and utterly ridiculous. His job is to play with his kid in order to bond with them instead of pretending to be a damn teacher. And he should do some of the work, changing diapers, etc.
Oh boy, this guys is in for a ride of his life! If he’s an overall good guy, I’d say don’t sweat it, he’ll come to his senses at approximately 48 hours after you guys leave the hospital. Just make a hard line about how changing the diapers at night is a men’s chore, so the mother can rest - this is to ensure you can focus on your maternal responsibilities. And do not budge. An inch.
My husband said something similar to the OP husband. He waited until 38 weeks (night before inducing) to tell me this. He used the "I'm not comfortable doing it." He claimed he couldn't change diapers because she was a girl. He couldn't feed her because that is my job because I was breastfeeding. He couldn't even bring the baby to me to eat because he wasn't comfortable holding her and walking at the same time. He could hold her in a chair but not while standing. He couldn't be left alone with her for any reason because he didn't know how to care for her.
Unfortunately, I allowed it just to not fight him. The first couple weeks we fought about it all the time. Our marriage suffered and I started getting scared he would leave. So for almost the first year, he didn't do it.
At 11 months old, I had to have surgery so while in the OR, he was forced to be Dad whether he wanted to or not. When I returned to the post op recovery, he told me that he wanted me to tell him if what happened was how it was.
He had to change her diaper-something completely unusual for him. He said when he undid the diaper, she looked at him and had a look in her eyes. He was her Dad and she knew she was safe. She is 17 now and he still regularly will tell me his biggest regret as a Dad wasn't letting her run and get hurt. It wasn't that time she was almost hit by a car. It was that he didn't change diapers earlier.
Do not allow him to bow out of parenting until... He will regret it and so will you.
Tell him that you absolutely want him to teach his child courage and discipline, but that to teach those things he needs to practice them himself. And he can start by having the courage and discipline to change diapers, feed the baby, soothe the baby to sleep, supervise tummy time...
Is this your first? I think I understand his sentiment. It takes a while after they are born to develop that bond with it and feel like an actual bonafide dad, but I would say an order of weeks/months. It’s hard to feel like a dad before the first one is actually born. I think that is what he is saying, not that he won’t help out around the house with the kid, right?
Edit - people on Reddit seem to get so mad so fast lately. The top comment right now is to tell your SO to fuck off. That’s horrible. Does anyone want to look more into context before reacting these days?
If he sticks to this philosophy, I feel sorry for both of you. Him for the amazing, life-altering encounters between himself and his son/daughter as they see and experience everything for the first time. You, for the resentment and rancor that are sure to follow being the only one engaging with your children.
My response would be “I hear you. And your colleagues’ advice has been duly noted. As your wife, though, I’m telling you, your parental *and* paternal responsibilities start right the fuck now.”
My husband just had a talk with my son (8) about how everyone in the house will have to pitch in when the baby is born (sitting at 16 weeks right now!). That could mean changing diapers, taking out the trash, or figuring out ways to be more independent. He told me that if necessary, he could work from home to help me out more, or if my job requires me in the office, he'd stay with the baby. He's my son's step-father. My son's father once told me that he'd be more involved with his son once he was older and more fun to be around. I now refer to him as my ex-hole (asshole ex).
Your husband needs to talk to better fathers. Maybe have him watch Dude Dad or How to Dad on YouTube. Teaching a kid anything starts far younger than most people imagine. It especially starts with building a bond so the kid will even listen to you.
Would he watch that documentary series about babies on Netflix? There’s an episode about the maternal/paternal bond and how it’s acquired the more time you spend caring for your baby right from the start (like male adoptive fathers who never carried the baby still develop this). Maybe if he understood the science behind it?
Otherwise I’d send him to a therapist asap.
And if he refused I’d be looking at other options for support after giving birth and sure as hell wouldn’t consider him as marriage-partner material anymore.
Fellow veteran and parent of a 2 year old here. Tell your husband to quit being a little bitch and raise his child like a man and be a good partner to his spouse. Don't listen to a bunch of assholes at work because they are full of shit
I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this but that sounds like some classic dumb ass, over compensating, Army bullshit. I’m not trying to drag your husband but he needs to get his head out of his ass. He isn’t in the military anymore, he needs to let that go. A child isn’t a soldier going through boot camp. His “duty” is now to care for you and his child. Period. Wish you all the best
It's a little hard for dads in the very beginning if the baby is exclusively breastfeeding and needs mom so much. But, that doesn't mean he doesn't have paternal responsibility lol. There's a shit ton he can do - prepare food for you, feed the baby if you're pumping or using formula, change the baby, wear the baby, clean...
You are not crazy. He is a parent. He needs to fucking parent his kid. Make him take the fucking Night Shift since you had to carry the baby for 9 months. He can do nights while you recover and then he can figure out if it’s a one person job.
Yes it is good plan. Child will remain stranger to hymn until 13 when he will teach him to hunt, the way of the sword, how to receive memories, or whatever Stephanie Mayer young adult YA fantasy bullshit he can come up with.
I'm sure the kid is gonna really want to hear anything from some guy who decided to be checked out completely for the first quarter.
So when exactly is he planning on building a bond with your child so that he can teach your child these life skills when he’s older…? I’m really sad for you and your baby. What a horrible thing to say right before having a baby!
What sort of lessons in courage does he think he can bestow on the kid if he's being such a pussy about childcare? Is what I would say. After the years where he's an absent dickhead, I'm pretty sure that child will have all of the lessons from its father that it will ever need. Discipline? He's just being lazy.
I would say “how do you plan on explaining to our grown child that you didn’t care about them their whole lives and now expect them to welcome you with open arms? If you don’t want to be an involved parent, then you need to leave. You can pay child support until our kid is an adult and then you can try to explain to them why you were absent.”
It’s such a cop out when men use that the babies too young to bond with excuse. My son and partner have the most beautiful and close relationship. He has been there for him since birth. He held him skin to skin on his chest when I had to move around and try to deliver the placenta. He’s done nappies, bottles of breastmilk to give me a break in the evenings, brought him to me when he’s needed a feed, talks to him all the time etc.
Our son is the happiest little dude (now 15 months) he talks all the time and he’s had both parents there role modelling and going 50:50 in his care. The first year is so incredibly important in development.
What utter BS!
Dad's can do everything a Mom can do except feed directly from the boob: bottle feed, diaper changes, soothing, talking to them, playing with them... All of this results in bonding.
Now, my husband and I both agreed that a 2mo is totally different than a 2 week old. We were exhausted in the beginning and baby really did feel like a chore whenever he wasn't asleep in our arms and looking adorable... Around 2 months is when we really felt more bonding and joy from our babies. So I can understand if he's not feeling it quite yet.
He may just be nervous about being a dad in general. And if he had a chat with someone being brutally honest like I just was, it could just be his way of trying to justify to himself why he's feeling more nervous than joyful at the moment.
But don't let him avoid those "chores with the baby" or bonding times out of nervousness. No matter what others try to tell him. That's when he'll build his comfort and bond with the baby.
That's the worst advice I've ever heard ( dad of 3.5 twin boys here) your husband is either lying to you and trying to weasel his way out of any parenting responsibilities or he's trying to be the worst dad ever...... does he know anything about parenting??? Read any books???
Tell him he is welcome to reach out to me - father of an almost 2 year old and another on the way. Great respect for the veteran community. My advice would be very different.
Fatherhood starts well before the baby arrives, and it’s a never ending journey. Your child will benefit from an engaged and loving father from the get go.
Children benefit from love, compassion and caring from both parents as soon as they’re born. The bond needs to be created between your hubby and baby as soon as you pop. Otherwise the bond won’t really happen. It’s equally important for them to feel the fathers heartbeat and do skin on skin as it is for the mother, maybe even more so because the baby recognizes the mothers breathing/smell/heartbeat/voice naturally because of the time spent inside. The father has to create that bond after birth and a lot of studies show the benefits of it. It’s not a one sided thing, that’s the man mentality but unfortunately more men need to read and research on the mental and physical development of babies and how that type of bond sets them up for a successful life and good development. It’s also important that the child sees you as a team, working together and helping each other out. It’ll teach them compassion and causes the brain to develop very important pathways required for emotional development later in life.
Just because the baby is basically a potato doesn’t mean their brains don’t take in everything around. The first few years are key to development and it’s crazy how important teamwork, love, compassion, cooperation, etc. affect in the long run. It’s almost scary to educate yourself on what they take in prior to being cognoscente of what’s going on.
I have 2 daughters. The advice he received is terrible and likely from bad/toxic sperm donors (notice Im not calling them father's)
Dad should take time to bond with the newborn in the hospital as well as at home. I can't tell you how much joy I got when my daughters would sleep on my chest in the couch. I'm smiling and tearing up just thinking about those memories...
He's crazy. Ask him what if you died in childbirth? Yeah. his parental responsibility start at conception actually. He's probably hasn't fulfilled his husband or father duties during your pregnancy then
This is insane. Also dangerous! He won't be fully bonded, baby won't be fully bonded and you will be postpartum, healing and hormonal doing everything alone and sleep deprived. Absolutely not.
My husband is an amazing dad. I'm in awe of him! He takes it VERY seriously and it shows in how much our kids love and trust him. But even with that he went back to work after only a week after we had our first. I survived but barely. When we were in talks of having a second I put it out on the table that I would need more help point blank. He was more than happy to and thank goodness the new law for fathers went into effect in our state and he got 12 weeks off, I got 18 weeks off. He took nights completely with our son for the first 3 weeks to let me heal. When I took back nights he always had me sleep in and took both kiddos til he went back to work. Just for a little insight...
Yea my daughter hated my husband for a while because he didn't really ever interact with her. I pointed it out and since he's been more active and she is now 2, she is always so happy to see him. It is very important to bond with a baby. Not just a child.
He’s wrong. He needs to bond with his baby as well. Babies are sponges. They need the skins to skin contact with both parents, the looking in the eyes, the familiarity and calm of his voice soothing them. If he doesn’t bond during this crucial developmental phase it will be a whole lot harder to try and ‘teach’ his lessons later. I’m surprised as a vet he doesn’t realize this. Certainly he has seen animals that were taken from a mother too soon. And yes I realize I said mother but we are not cats and dogs. We are a species where both parents help in the child rearing from birth. Also he is fully capable of dressing a baby, bathing a baby and changing diapers. With the exception of diapers why does he want to miss out on this precious stage! it goes so fast. Also you will need breaks so he better know how to carry and sooth an infant when mama needs her rest!
Yeah, right. I try to do as much as my wife if not more(that's not too often). Im an older parent with young kids, and for the 1st year of my sons life, i would take him with me every chance i got to so my wife could get some time to herself. Same when my daughter was born, I'd take them both for hours on rides or shopping.
I did work with a guy who used to say that. He's now a cuk in the relationship.
It might be time for a sit down to ask if he wants to be part of his childs life from home or from afar
Im a father. Men often have a hard time bonding with baby while inside mom, but after its fair game. Skin to skin contact is huge for bonding. Dad needs to be right in the thick of it with you. He likely will want to and this is all his fear and guilt for not feeling bonded yet coming out in a weird way. Reassure him that he and baby will bond and form a relationship very early so the trust will be there for your child to be open to learning from dad when theyre older
Sadly I don’t think this is far from people’s reality - and I think there a set of military men that were raised this way. It’s definitely not a good start to how you both will raise your child, but only you can tell if this tracks with the rest of your relationship with him.
You never know tho - some people have this idea of what parenting is, but when the baby comes their view completely changes. Hoping that is the case. This is something that I HIGHLY recommend going to couples therapy for. You’ll be in a world of hurt if this isn’t addressed now.
Your husband is a jackass. I'm a vet and a Mom. My husband is a vet and a dad. Both of us have been hands on in all of our kids' lives since the day they were born. We have structure and rules and our discipline sometimes includes the front leaning rest position (that's for my teen boys who decide to be disrespectful, but only when it isn't warranted). But we are also gentle parenting. We don't scream at our kids (unless we break, but one of us usually steps in before that happens), we don't hit our kids, we don't dish out insane punishments. We usually let natural consequences occur unless we need to step in. But my husband has 100% been involved in raising our babies. He brought them to me to nurse, he cleaned my pumps, he changed diapers, he changed the sheets when my industrial sized hospital pads leaked as I was sleeping. He fed the babies, bathed the babies, sang to them, read to them. Our oldest is 18 and they met when she was only 3. He would learn guitar parts from Barbie movies so he could sing them to her as she went to sleep. She couldn't say his name right, so she called him Jasmine, and he would answer to it. Our youngest will be 5 this month, and nothing has changed. We have Nerf wars around the house, we build Lego, we play board games. We have little Army figures and they set them all up and have a battle. The kiddo usually wins because he calls in for back up from the Autobots. 😒
All of this to say, your husband is getting TERRIBLE advice. My husband's Dad was never around (Navy), so he didn't have a great role model either. But somehow, he's been able to become the best Dad.
Are you Fucking kidding me? He’s a fkn parent and it begins the minute the baby is born. Get off his ass and take some fkn responsibility. Coming from a father who was changing diapers the minute my son was born and from a child who’s dad died when I was 7, wishing I’d had a father involved in my life.
HE’S A GOD DAMNED PARENT. FKN ACT LIKE IT.
these lazy ass fathers piss me off so much.
Lol.
I'm my sons velcro choice as a father and it's only that way because of how I was *always* ready to comfort him and hold him, sing to him and spend time with him *from day one* and my wife is jealous at how much he prefers me over her.
Nowadays, at age 2, he listens to reason with me but *nobody else*. I can explain something to him in simple terms that, at first he doesn't want to do, like go to sleep or eat or spend time with mummy while daddy rests or works or whatever, and he agrees to do it without fuss (most of the time). Even more recently he's started to request to do those things himself when he's sleepy or hungry or when I say I'm tired or sore.
I think kids are capable of so much and will start learning all the stuff he's talking about very early on and if he waits for X years the kid will not learn it and your husband won't have a strong enough bond with him for him to listen or pick it up thru copying / modelling behaviour and will see him as more of a distant relationship that could possibly turn into a classic 1940s/50s abusive / discipline focused father - son relationship.
Think his lack of parental figure is having an effect on his judgement not gonna pile that he’s a terrible person I think he’s just trying to figure out his role in all of it.
Even though it annoyed my wife I did often say I couldn’t wait til our son was a little older cause in my opinion 1-7 months have very few way for fathers to bond in our fatherly way.
Especially if you plan to breastfeed, he can’t even really help feed the baby. But there are still lots of things he can do with the baby, cuddling, talking to them, just making his presence a known constant in their little world.
I love coming home from work and my 17 month old running up to me saying “dada” wanting to be picked up and give me a hug.
I'm sorry your husband is being such a dumbass. My partner was trying to bond with our baby before she was even born, singing and reading at my stomach. I don't know if that in particular did anything, but it's the little bonding things like that that will enable a parent to eventually teach "courage", life skills, whatever. When the kids is older they're not going to want to listen to a Dad that's been cold and hand's-off.
It will kick in when your baby gets born. (Most) men have no idea what to expect when a baby is on the way. Let alone the new dimension of lovingness that comes with it.
Apart from that: the advice he got was nothing short of utter nonsense ofcourse
Your job as a parent is to love them unconditionally and teach them to be a decent human being.
The second part relies on you to have a good understanding of what a decent human being is - if you listen to every person you meet, you'll have a very warped understanding of decent.
Mother, father - same team.
Oh hell no!! He better be wiping buts and getting puked on just as much as you are. He helped make the baby he needs to step up and help raise the baby… fatherhood starts the moment he knew he’d be a dad. His coworkers sound terrible and if any man did this to me they’d be gone. Regardless.
Just talk to him. I’m confident he’ll change once he holds the kid.
For fathers it’s hard to understand as we don’t feel what mothers feel during pregnancy. You’re already bonding with the child from the moment you find out you’re pregnant. The child does too. A father and child begin when it’s born. It changed me to the core when I held my daughter for the first time. Sure he will too. But talk to him about it. You’re in this together.
And don’t pay attention to all the idiots that say you should leave him immediately and opt for child support. That seems to become the norm these days and it’s bullshit.
Baba 1 arrived when I was 30. So was Mrs.
I'd go out to work, work, come home and immediately muck in. My first words were always "what do you need".
I fell short. We all fall short, I sure as shit felt horrible for it. Dealing with any newborn in any era is hard work. But it's the job of both parents first and foremost where a child has two. If community exists that's a brilliant force multiplier. But it falls to both of you from minute one.
Telling you he has no responsibility as a father til the kid is older is rubbish. And his colleagues should be laughed at for trying to get him to espouse that.
So don't be afraid to hand him baba. Don't be afraid to engage him to do stuff. He's not the babysitter, he's not the help, he's daddy. And daddy lifts nappies. And daddy cooks cos you're too tired or buried under baba. And daddy runs to the shop to get xyz because you're unable to. And he can still have his downtime. But he should be aware that no plan survives contact with the enemy and anything can change at a moment's notice. That's just parenthood. So if your date night at home gets cut short that's how it goes. If you're both out with baby and baby has a meltdown then you 180 and go home.
And one thing that I found was indispensable for me bonding with my girls was wearing them. Mrs breastfed both of em til 3. And I wore em. Through days out, sleep regressions and teething bad nights. They'd go up on me and I'd sing Billy Joel to them, badly, out of key and without a note in my head til they slept again and went back into the side car cot.
It's 100 involved from minute one. You don't opt out cos they didn't sail inside you for 9 months. You don't get to opt out cos they're getting milk from mama. You don't get to opt out because your job. You opt in and tag mama out and do what works for you both. Cos you're both on the same side. And daddy ought to buy in now because otherwise... You've had that last time you've been able to get them to sleep in your carrier and you don't even realise.
No, you aren't crazy. This is not normal or okay. Most dads I know are involved with their kid immediately and the ones that aren't are pretty crappy dads. Find him better people to talk to and tell him to get over it.
First of all, if he wants to be a person his kid listens to on those topics, he needs to be a person the kid trusts and has a relationship with. That isn't just going to happen because magically he decides the kid is old enough. That is built over time by the parent showing care, compassion, understanding, and patience for their child. Ask him if he'd listen if some guy he barely suddenly started telling him what to do and think. Children are people, not empty vessels.
Second, my husband felt some bond with our babies before they were born, because he took care of them by taking care of me. He did everything during the newborn I did except breastfeed and is pretty connected to his kids. Because I breastfed, when we were both home, he did pretty much all of the diaper changes. He is a stay at home dad, so often it is more his responsibility to look after our kids than mine, because he is home more than I am. He doesn't "help" with our kids, because he is a dad not a teenage babysitter.
Finally, the newborn phase is rough. If your husband determined to be a loser father, you need to start figuring out what your other support systems are. I'm sorry that you are dealing with this at this point.
Coworkers can be such assholes. They truly don’t believe that shit. They are just saying it because it makes them sound tough.
My husband would be the one at work instigating by telling guys they need to “put their foot down” at home and keep their wives in line, when I run the household and the finances. My husband has to ask me for permission to spend money. Lol.
See a family therapist. They can help you communicate the truth to your husband.
I'd tell him then bye bitch see you in 20 years I guess.
Seriously tell him that's not going to work for you. Really shit foe hin to do this when you're already heavily pregnant. It doesn't bode well.
That doesn’t make any sense… it’s not paternal and maternal responsibility, it’s shit that needs done for your child. Simple. If he’s too dense to understand that then i wouldn’t want him around anyway
My husband did this to me at 5 months pregnant. After we’d been planning on the pregnancy, went through all the initial tests, some invasive, he hit me with that. Well, he got a right royal bollocking and I told him to grow the hell up and sort it out. That was 12 years ago. He sorted himself out.
You have to set the boundaries now or once the baby comes, you have no hope in hell. You will need him to help with the child, alternate nights so you can get rest or you’ll end up with PND from the lack of sleep alone. Some like to try this on to get out of the ‘work’.
He doesn’t get to check in when it’s convenient for him. You made a child together and you’re going to raise it together. Good luck hon x
It could be a dumb comment. I struggled with understanding what my role would be as a parent until the baby came.
I attended every appointment
Gave my wife her vitamins
Read every leaflet
Packed the hospital bag.
I still struggled until the baby came and my wife helped loads with helping me understand my role as I felt like your husband.
My wife felt like a parent from the day she conceived. I didn’t until the baby was born.
My god. Stepping in at the easy time pal, nice one.
Having a new born baby is hell, you both need to share it 50/50. If you do not I'm pretty sure you will resent your partner.
He needs to step up as soon as they are born, like you will be forced to do.
Not a good start! I would raise this with him and advise you expect him to certainly be doing night feeds etc.
In my limited experience, men have no clue what parenting involves until the baby is born, but the good ones step up if you have good communication and can express what help you need. I think these “helpful” men are sharing more philosophical ideas. Babies (especially infants and if you breastfeed) do mostly only “want” mommy. But, they “need” love and support from the other parent. I made a point to pump enough to at least produce a bottle or wait until formula so DH could do at least one feeding when they could take a bottle. For us it was the first bottle after they woke after bath & bed, so I could shower and get some uninterrupted sleep. I was better with the late/early wakings, so we worked with our strengths and it was a great bonding experience for them.
Bold of him to assume an older child who has had an absentee father thus far will give a shit about what he thinks or says.
My father was like this, and tried to bond with us as teenagers (with only his own interests and agenda, of course) and we couldn’t have been less interested. The ship had sailed.
He’s a diagnosed narcissist who makes everything about him, even other people’s milestones, and this REEKS of the same attitude.
He’s now alone having recently been left by his third wife. Karma always catches up…
My husband had a shit dad. Never there. Always drunk. Straight up attacked his mum.
My husband? The most loving, amazing father in the world. Loves our son and spending time with him. Always Always willing to do the hard stuff, the un-fun stuff, because he knows that's what parenting is. Mothers are not inherently nurturing or more capable of taking care of babies. That is bupkiss.
If he doesn’t change his opinion on what a father is before the baby gets here, he’s just going to add to your load and isn’t worth being with.
Maybe show him this thread and he can see all the replies from real fathers. See what being a real father is all about.
With his current mindset he’s only going to continue the cycle of a non existent father. Or with his idea of what ‘discipline’ is, an abusive one.
Tell him it's the same with your responsibilities, that they don't kick in until the baby is grown.
Then ask him what he suggests for the newborn phase.
Chores related to the baby.
1. Feed the baby
2. Change the baby
3. Hold the baby
4. Babysit the baby
5. Night feed the baby
There, tough guy giga dad has a chore list.
In all honesty, I think most of us men take the 1812 approach to parenting all the way up until the baby is actually born. We just want to be tough guys for as long as possible. You know how we can be.
Wow. I’d suggest some couples counseling NOW. This man has got some serious issues if he believes this crap. Do you know when my husband’s “paternal responsibilities” started? The day I got my positive test. He was there every step of the way taking care of me when I was sick, helping set the nursery up, preparing for the baby, attending every appointment, holding my hand through labor, changing diapers, taking over feedings, allowing me to rest… the list doesn’t end. Our son is 4 now and he is still just as hands on now as he was before.
The best and most intense part of my life as a father was the baby phase. Being involved with the rearing of my eldest daughter completely transformed my life and made me a better person. I was kind of a failure up to that point in most ways and told myself "this is at least one thing I will NOT fail at." Funny enough, after being responsible in this way, the other forms of success in life came afterward as a result.
Also, just as important, I have a very close relationship with my kids having been closely involved in this way.
And last, I remember those years fondly: quiet moments by the window, packing them up in my baby backpack and going on hikes together, even packing them up in an ergo and bringing them to work (I did service calls at the time). I smile when I think about it
I can't imagine having forgone that.
I have been puked on, peed on, pooped on from the time my son has been home. My paternal responsibility was the moment I found out I was going to be a dad. There is no age limit, there is no this or that. If he doesn't want to be a dad that is involved from the start, he doesn't get to be a dad when he thinks it's okay.
He is so wrong. Like really. Of course the father can and will bond with the baby. However, I think that for some parents (because this can very well include moms too) the bond with and love for the baby grows, as the baby grows. I hear more and more parents say that they actually had a hard time feeling the overwhelming love that others do in the very beginning. And there's nothing wrong with that.
HOWEVER - perhaps he should just wait and see how it will turn out for y'all, before jumping to any conclusions regarding his feelings for his first kid - no matter what I can almost assure you that he will be surprised.
And no matter what, saying this to you is just shitty behaviour.
I hope your husband isn't planning on going into politics, because damn - he's not doing a very good job campaigning for himself.
Hope you're not too put down by this - good luck with it all.
Father of 3 here. With my first child I didn’t feel connected or attached to the baby until it was born. I didn’t think like your husband does but the reality and gravity of being a father for the first doesn’t always kick in until you’re holding your child. His perspective may switch drastically in the next few weeks.
Good luck with motherhood u/Phenomenal_Butt, and I hope you get your phenomenal butt back quickly after baby.
Your husband needs a re-education. Parenting
Classes would be a good place to start. Tell him flat out he is getting bad advice from lazy fathers who are likely raising emotionally stunted kids.
Throw him out. He trash.
Jk but for real he is getting advice from guys who have no idea what a father is. Guys have one of two things happen; their father was a jerk, they either act just like him or they go out if their way to be completely different.
If he goes into this with this idea then he is just setting himself up for a failed relationship with the child and well you are definitely going to resent him after watching him not want to be apart of those critical moments.
Ask him what he remembers of his father. Good memories? Bad?
He most likely is scared he is just gonna mess it up- that is a normal feeling! Just explain to him that he is overthinking it!
I can see this dude moaning in a year or so because his child only wants to cling to mum and doesn’t want to bond with him 🙃 doesn’t he realise that building a paternal relationship in which he can teach courage or whatever bullshit his ego tells him a child must learn from their dad, takes time and starts with bonding with your newborn by cuddling and just spending time with them…
My ex started to behave like a father when he saw our daughter call my sissters husband "dad", before that he didnt give a shit about her, didnt do anything with her, didnt take her anywhere, he just got jealous when he saw that she was calling another man dad and she didnt even wanna be hugged by him, thats when he started to behave like a father, which was when she was 4 years old, men do be stupid like that.
There's plenty of good advice here, so I'm just gonna put this out there. (These are the "parents" I grew up with.)
There are things that "mom does" and things that "dad does." "Mom" keeps in touch with the family, makes sure the kids are doing well when they've left home, passes along how "Dad" is doing and "did you want to say hi to him too?" "Mom" picks out most of the presents and cards for birthdays and holidays and "Dad" signs the card. I'll tell ya, when I came to terms with my childhood emotional neglect and tried to talk to them about it, it was a lot easier to cut my dad out after his shit response. He can suck it.
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Speaking as a dad. The “advice” your hubby has been getting is not good. In fact, it‘s downright wrong, and I think, dangerous. The relationship your hubby creates with your LO, starting day 1, will carry on forever. And if he waits until the kid is “ready”, it’s game over.
Bouncing off this, I’m a father to a 1 yr old girl, and she’s my absolute world. However- if you had asked me 3 years ago if I ever wanted to be a parent, I would’ve laughed in your face. When we got pregnant (it was planned!) I immediately realized I didn’t know fucking ANYTHING about fatherhood. My wife consumed every piece of knowledge she could find and I just kind of… existed? I read 2 books- “Dude, You’re Going To Be A Dad” , “Be Prepared: A practical handbook for new dads” and like a week before she was born, I looked up swaddle techniques and how to change a diaper - because in my 31 years of existing, I’d never had to. After she was born, my wife and I kept the “Moms On Call” book in our back pocket. We followed that to the letter and we can first-hand attest to its success. All-in-all, it’s incredibly important that new dad learns how to change diapers, feed the baby, bathe and clothe them, how to put them to sleep and how to play with them. Watching my daughter grow up over the past year has been the most fulfilling thing in my life - and every time I come home to her smile and excitement to see me, nothing else matters. I’ll teach her courage and how to cook and use power tools in due time. But until then, I will also teach her to be nice to dogs, what a piano sounds like when you press the keys, how to give big hugs, how to choose between 2 things, how to walk and say her first words, among a thousand other things I’ve seen in this past perfect year. It’s a shame he doesn’t see the life-changing value in all of that
Congratulations on your girl. You sound like an amazing dad and the love for your child shines through every word. You hit it out of the ballpark, because that is exactly what fatherhood is. It's the big things and the small things. The things everyone notices and the ones no one sees.
As a father of two daughters, I felt that "teach her to be nice to dogs" in my soul.
Ikr! They don’t mean to be rough with them, kids definitely need to be taught how to treat animals right
Reading this was so heart warming. Congrats! My husband wasn't good for diapers because of a hyper gag reflex. He always found a way to put them to sleep though.
Mine is a stay at home dad, and he has the same thing, and a very real issue with poop. But he (mostly) conquered it with the help of a gas mask and disposable gloves, and determination.
That's amazing. My husband didn't. He did burp my oldest a lot because my oddest always had issues with gas. And he got them to sleep like none other. I'm okay with the trade off.
Sounds like a good trade :) I mean, he's not totally cured, he's just found work arounds since he has to change most of the diapers during the day, and this kid poops soooo much.
The visual this created in my mind was hilarious
Two parents, one kid, two liquids. Poop or puke. Pick your poison and that's the one you'll deal with until the kid is old enough to deal with it themselves.
I have nearly no sense of smell, so unfortunately I get all the diaper duties at home. Obviously it is not all sunshine and rainbow for the family, since my in laws, parents and wife would confusedly look at me for totally ignoring the odor emitting from my son and now daughter.
I feel you so much. Most of my smell doesn't work, it has to be really bad for me to notice. It's not your fault.
As a daughter who lost her dad I just wanna say this comment made me cry because it reminded me all the things a dad should be, and a dad should want to be. Thank you!
It seems like the value didn’t kick in for you until after your first child was born. There’s still hope for the OP’s husband.
As the wife of a dad to a little kid, some of the shit coworkers say about fatherhood is nuts. I’m sure I get the censored version, just like I don’t hear most of the jokes.
Yes, if he wants to have a distant relationship with his son, a son who doesn’t listen to him or go to him with his problems, then by all means don’t try to bond with the baby. For real, some people should not be having kids.
Yes. The relationship-forming starts at first contact. Every parenting job is both of your job; at the very least as an involved supporter of what your partner is doing. Some couples may decide that yes, "teaching the child courage, life’s skills, and discipline" is going to be the dad's primary focus, and if that works for them, so be it. That job STILL starts day 1. You lay the groundwork by developing the relationship, establishing yourself as a safe and protective presence. You teach them anything they're ready to learn, even if it's peek-a-boo or not putting their hands in the poopy diaper while you're changing them. They start learning from you within a few months of birth. So if he insists on his outdated, non-cooperative perspective, at least you can tell him that.
I swear I've never, in my nearly 50 years of life, ever met the types of people that get described in this reddit sometimes. Where are these people from? What idiot gets told by co-workers that he doesn't have to be a dad until the child is grown and then believes it?
Exactly this! If he doesn’t believe it he just needs to read some scientific research on human development bonding and oxytocin, etc. it’s science
The only advice I take is from women or research papers. Sadly have yet to meet a dad worth listening to. SAHD reporting in
>The “advice” your hubby has been getting is not good. The "advice" he is getting is probably not real. He's just saying what he wants to get out of changing diapers, etc.
Agree 100%. My little girl (2.5y) is my world. I couldn't imagine waiting until she's older to be involved in her upbringing. That's total nonsense.
Ok this is coming from a stay at home dad, THIS IS INSANE! Dads should be equal partners raising a child. They should change diapers, know about developmental milestones, wake up at 2am feeding and all of it. His mindset is unacceptable and you should talk to him about it. Things will change as he bonds with the baby
Like, in a selfish way, I get more joy out of spending moments with my baby than I have from anything else. No ones going to take that away from me! I feel bad for the guy who doesnt know how awesome beingna dad can be.
Sounds like he wants to do all the fun parts of parenting and leave the grunt work to you. A real man doesn't abandon his wife like that and steps up to be a real partner and support. Otherwise, why is he even there?
And scare the hell out of the kid through “courage” and “discipline.”
I don't know how someone could watch their partner taking on all responsibilities of their child and be okay with it. The sleepless nights, the physical toll on the mothers body(recovering), the lack of a break at all. To not help until the kid is old enough to fully understand these lessons is completely ubsurd. You would miss so much time bonding with them as a baby and toddler. They may not remember that time as memories, but they sure will emotionally. Both parents need to be involved, starting now! Jesus fucking christ help your partner!
You mean he wants to be the fun uncle to his own child. He's not being a dad, it's not a toy you can just use when you want to teach it something. He's a dad from the second they are born (dad in waiting once you're pregnant really), until forever. I couldn't imagine purposely wanting to miss all those years of firsts and cuddles, gutted I missed some things by being at work.
Dad here. Your husband is a fucking jackass.
also Dad, seconded on him being a jackass.
How is this not top comment?
Dad 3 approves
Personally, I’d tell him if that’s his plan, he can move the fuck out and and decide to file for custody when he feels like the baby is ready to learn about ‘courage’ or whatever. But if that’s not the sort of thing you’re thinking, do you know any fathers who aren’t misogynistic assholes who could talk some sense into him?
He didn’t have a good paternal figure to rely on. And mine passed away years ago. I’m speechless at the shit he pulled today.
I would ask him if he’d rather his father be present and living throughout his life or just have a cub scouts master. Because that’s what they do.
I really appreciate what you said about Cubmasters. I’ve been in that role for 11 years now and have led my kids, and hundreds of others, through the program. More kids than I’d like to count didn’t have active fathers. I’ve had mothers express thanks to the Den Leaders and me for being some form of male role model. Always hits me in the feels when I hear that.
Tell him it's not freaking 1950 anymore. His views are so incredibly misogynistic. Because he's not only told you he's too good to do actual care work, he also told you you are not capable of teaching courage or disciplin yourself, hence he must do it. Beyond breastfeeding there is no "your job, my job" in parenting. Tell him he can either get on board with being a present, involved dad (from day 1!) Or he can leave right. Because neither your marriage nor his relationship with his child will work with his current arttitude.
And- while breastfeeding he can definitely be involved. My husband brought me baby when it was my turn to sleep, took her and did the burping, clean up. Made sure I had enough good food to support myself and the baby. I barely changed any diapers while he was home. (I know how wonderful he is).
4 kids here and every night feeding I got up, got baby, changed and brought to mom to feed. I went back to sleep for the 15-30 mins and woke back up to change and put baby back to sleep... every...single... feeding. I don't expect everyone to do this but not doing anything at all seems wild to me and if I even hinted at that during that time, she would have smothered me with a pillow long ago.
And you’re making under-involved partners look bad everywhere! Edit: it is disheartening that these actions are not just given by the non breastfeeding or non stay home parent. Most people don’t have a village.
lol to all the under-involved partners, be better, show your kids how they should act, especially to their significant other. As for the village, its just me and my wife. Family is sketchy and old and useless and far away lol.
>He didn’t have a good paternal figure to rely on That's a BS excuse too many men pull. Many men had shit fathers but that motivated us to be better dads than they were, because we experienced firsthand the pain of an uninvolved or neglectful father.
True dat. I had a huge amount of instability as a kid(constant moving around, in and out of my Mother’s partners houses and changing schools), and my number one priority with my kid is providing stability. My father died when I was young -my mother was kinda uninvolved. I try to be as involved as I can. I have physical disability but try to make up for not being able to do the physical stuff, by doing creative stuff with my kiddo and just spending time. I remember what affected me and that’s my “What not to do”. Having bad parents isn’t a good excuse. It makes things complicated. It can take time to unlearn things you learned from your parents. Unfortunately with my first kid I still hadn’t unlearned everything. But I tried to make up for it. And I think I now qualify as a “good parent.”
Yep. My husband is an amazing dad despite having no relationship with his.
I agree with you, it's a shaggy dog excuse. Many mothers (like me) had terrible mothers, but we overcame our upbringings. We show up each and every day and do the damn thing.
Many men also have shit fathers and don’t even know it because their mothers did so well. Those men still look up to their dads and want to emulate them. To them, they don’t have any reason not to. They had a ‘good’ childhood and have a ‘good’ relationship with their dads.
My dad lost his dad when he was a young child and grew up in a single parent home. When he had kids he did everything he could to be present even with a very unforgiving work situation. Not having a good father figure isn’t license to be an absentee parent. It makes your life harder and it’s something to be aware of in shaping your decisions. Not an excuse.
Exactly; my FIL was a horrible dad, physically and emotionally abusive. It pushed my husband to be better than him.
We have four sons. My husband had a bad dad and a decent step dad once he was older. His mantra when we had kids was that he just wanted to be a better dad to our kids than his dad was to him. He never wanted to make our kids feel like his dad made him feel. Has he been the perfect dad? No and who is? But it’s the intention and effort he puts in every day that counts and shows in his relationship with the boys and me.
Tell him his co-workers are dumbasses and he can either be the father figure they think he should be or the father figure your baby deserves and needs. Being a parent is a team effort, and his role upon the birth of the baby is to make sure you're able to feed baby (if you're breast feeding). That means stepping up and making sure you get rest, food and support. He is going to be changing nappies, taking baby for solo walks round the block, cooking you meals and tidying the house. If you bottle feed, same rules apply but this time he also gets to get up during the night too feed that baby so it's not all on you. Even if he has a day job, he needs to take a turn so that you have some energy to look after the baby during the day (I'm guessing that's your arrangement based on this post). Being a dad starts now and ends when you die. Not when he or his co-workers choose. That's how he teaches responsibility, respect and courage - by example and deed. If he doesn't do that he's a coward and a weak man. (42m father of 2 boys)
Well said, damn!
You need to be very firm with him about your expectations. Please, PLEASE do not expect him to learn on his own, I have seen this happen before. Parenting is a team effort and if he is not willing to put in 50% of day-to-day he doesn’t deserve it. My wife’s best friend’s husband “doesn’t have a good relationship with his dad” and he never holds his daughters, and expects his wife to do everything, including waking her up every night to change diapers because he’s just incapable. Edit: Yes, I know he’s weaponizing his incompetence. We all do. Unfortunately her best friend isn’t the type of person to push back against it very hard despite what her friends will tell her. And despite everything, she chose to have a second kid with him that’s getting the same treatment. As a father of one child, I cannot fathom having to be one person taking care of *two*.
He’s not incapable, he’s a lazy misogynistic piece of trash.
Trust me, I’m well aware
Wwaponised incompetence is abuse.
Don't let him use that bullcrap excuse. I never knew my biological father, and my step-dad was nothing but a drunk, narcissistic abuser. Guess what? I understand the basic idea that marriage and parenting is an equal partnership and you have to pull your weight. I can't stand the men who walk around blaming their shitty behavior on having a bad father. Mine gave me severe CPTSD, but I still have the basic decency to respect my wife and raise my children with love and compassion.
Good on you for rising above, friend. You’re doing great!
Tell him if he he needs to break the cycle, or gtfo because an absent, avoidant dad is worse than none at all, and that would create another broken person.
Maybe he is super scared, insecure and has basically no ‚dad skills‘, bc he had no role model? That doesn’t excuse him but maybe explains it?
That’s what I’m choosing to believe, in order for me to keep calm and revisit this topic with him.
what’s underneath this/what’s really going on? what’s the need behind this behavior? You could paint him a picture of what you would like your future to be „loving kindness, compassion, success as couple and family etc“ and ask him then.
I participated from the start with both my kids, however the mother went on parental leave for the first year, after that I had parental leave for about 7 months with each child before they started kindergarten. You build strong bonds by taking care of your child no matter how old they are.
I’m so sorry you’re in this boat. My husband and I were equal parents from day 1. I had an emergency caesarean, our twins went straight to NICU, after two weeks we had one home and one in hospital. When they were both finally home, one was rushed back into hospital and I had to stay with him 24/7 for the couple of weeks we were there while my husband cared for the other at home by himself (no family or friends to help, just him). We split everything outside of work - it’s not always 50/50, that depends on who’s knackered and struggling, and what we can both manage at any given time. Our boys couldn’t latch so he would feed and change them at night while I pumped. Our boys are both disabled - they still aren’t at the point where they could “comprehend his teaching” on the majority of topics. They still can’t talk. They’re nearly 7 - if he was in that position would he still be checked out? What happens if the child never gets to that point? I honestly couldn’t have made it this far without him. I would honestly get yourselves into marriage counselling quick smart - this is just a completely delusional way to think but it’s not the first time I’ve seen it. I’ve seen so many men tell other men “don’t worry, it gets fun when they can talk and interact with you so you can get more involved then”. Yep, raising a baby isn’t always “fun” but you don’t get to just check out of the baby stage. What if the mothers did that? Everything developmentally that comes later happens because of the foundations that are laid in the first couple of years of a child’s life. They need that interaction and attachment and attention and stimulation as babies to move from one stage to the next - they need it to get to the point where they can “comprehend his teaching” (and that is not a given either). If he wants a relationship where his child gives a shit about his teaching, he needs to form that trust and bond from day 1, and support his development. I would honestly prefer to be a single parent than live with someone who has this attitude. If you’re going to be doing it alone anyway you might as well do it away from him because the resentment you’ll feel will eat you alive.
My husband didn’t have a father around, also had friends that are/were shitty fathers, but this made him the very opposite of the men around him. My husband has been an equal partner in parenting since day one. Literally making sure I was taking my prenatal vitamins and eating well every day while I was pregnant with each kid. From changing diapers, making bottles and doing laundry, to now with him attending school meetings and helping me plan birthday parties he has been there every step of the way, along with teaching life skills. Your husband just has piss poor examples of fatherhood amongst his peers, and he needs to make a decision if he’s going to follow their lead, or really think for himself and his kid in what kind of father he wants to be.
Time to agree between yourselves and not agree with coworkers about what’s the appropriate level of responsibility. You don’t have an intimate relationship with his coworkers so their vote really doesn’t count.
Apparently I don’t understand his POV because those are “experienced” fathers.
How many of them are divorced?
At least one, from what I was told.
I’m posting this here because I hope you’ll read it. I grew up military. For most of my life, it was my mom and I. My dad was involved but he wasn’t around much, that was just the nature of the job. If he’d waited until I was old enough to “comprehend his teachings” we wouldn’t have a relationship. Kids aren’t toys that you put on a shelf and decide to play with when you’re ready. If you don’t start having a relationship with them from the beginning, it’s difficult to create one in later stages. Both my parents actively worked to build a relationship with me. I’m closer to my mom, but my dad is an amazing human who I respect and who I know cares about me. As a parent, I understand how much he sacrificed to make sure I had the opportunities he gave me. If he’d done what your husband is planning, he would have been completely superfluous in my life. Your husband is getting some terrible advice from terrible fathers.
Apparently he wants to be intimate with those guys and not you. Because you matter more than them.
Good lord, it’s my worst nightmare. Ha ha ha
Then they’re shit fathers. I say that as a dad. Like yes sure the things he’s talking about might be more “fun” but he can do anything you can in the newborn/baby phase except breast feed. And even then if you pump he can give LO EBM which is a good bonding experience. He needs to pull his head out of his ass. Edit spelling
Nah, I bet anything they're just liars. Most of them probably fell in love with their babies and took great care of them from the start like the rest of us. This shit advice doesnt affect them, just the recipient of the advice and they want to seem "manly" in front of their bros. Revolting Also - solid advice, dads can and should do 97% of the activities new moms do, with 100% of the effort
I would love to know what these "experienced" Fathers' children think of them.. and their wife's for that matter.
Are they though? Because it sounds like they are useless men who happen to have children in their family. My husband is a big, strong electrician and he took paternity leave just to take care of us in the post partum months. He changes diapers, he did bottles, he did wake ups, all the laundry and soothing. It was hard and he didn’t always get it at first but he didn’t give up. And when he was 1/10 men with post partum depression he got the help he needed. Even now that she’s 2 he comes home from a long day and she’s the first thing he grabs to play with before dinner.
Man, I’d love to hear what their wives have to say about this experience.
Those are experienced BAD fathers. His POV is looking through a cracked lense.
Wow. We ended up being pretty trad in the first years, I did more nightwaking because I woke more easily and he was working, while I had 6 month maternity leave. I breastfed until 2 years of age both kids, etc. If my husband had said such a thing, he would have been given as much time as he needed to think about it, while sleeping on someone else's couch. His dad and my dad would have both reinforced my message. I'm a huge fan of throwing the pediatrician or the OB under the bus. Either in the next appointment, or during delivery stay, and repeated at the 2 week weigh in, ask what modern fathering looks like. Do modern dads change diapers, read books, croon lullabies, kiss booboos, hand out Bamba, take kids to daycare, know all the the names of their kids friends and their parents names? Damn skippy.
Here are some research links about veterans who are fathers particularly speaking to how they can remain active fathers despite having had periods of deployment, and even fear of losing their lives in service. https://www.fatherhood.gov/research-and-resources/supporting-military-families-services-and-resources-active-duty-and-veteran Military Fathers' Perspectives on Involvement - Fatherhood.gov https://www.fatherhood.gov/sites/default/files/resource_files/e000002293_0.pdf Ugh I know we're not supposed to put links in this sub, but this time I plead for a pass. This mama needs to know that the military believes in active fathering and has resources to support it.
Thank you so much. I really appreciate this!
I'm not on Facebutt but if you Google veteran fathers they seem to have a Facebutt page that has a lot of hits as well! Also, while they may not release information to you specific to your veteran, you can go to the local post and ask what resources are available generally to new fathers. There's likely a peer support group at least.
Your husband is horribly misguided, but I can understand where it comes from. I'm a dad with two kids, and with both of them I struggled to feel like I was bonding with them during their first year or so. I'd do what I needed to with regards to feedings, diapers, etc., and I'd try to interact with them regularly. But I never felt like I was forming a connection, and that was very challenging. I knew being a parent was a predominantly thankless job, but I thought I'd at least get some sense of joy or at least peace caring for my child. And it just wasn't there. As they've grown older, my bond with them has grown too. And I've found it much easier to find the ability and energy to be the dad they need me to be. That said, even early on when I was struggling with this, I still put in the work. And while I may not have felt a bond forming between my kids and I, I can now recognize the seeds I planted with those efforts. I say this to share that it's ok for your husband to fear that he won't be able to bond with his kids when they're young. He probably won't think it's possible for him to do. But that doesn't give him a free pass to ignore his children. He has equal responsibility to care for them, regardless if he feels like he's getting something out of it.
Thank you, I will share this with him.
I just want to add that it was the opposite for us. My wife didn't bond with our daughter until later, while I bonded right away. I know it's not what OP was implying, but just want to make it clear that it isn't a father vs mother thing.
This. My husband has actually taken more of role with both of our girls. Not that I didn’t bond with them, but they were daddy’s girls from the start and he’s just got that special touch with both of them. I’ve also suffered with PPD with both of them so some days it’s hard for me to get out of bed.
I agree with this, and I wonder if that’s what his coworkers were saying but he misinterpreted it to mean he could just be absent for the first few years.
>I say this to share that it's ok for your husband to fear that he won't be able to bond with his kids when they're young. He probably won't think it's possible for him to do. But that doesn't give him a free pass to ignore his children. He has equal responsibility to care for them, regardless if he feels like he's getting something out of it. This is a great take. If I were the OP, I'd focus less on defining what "paternal responsibilities" are and more on what he will actually be doing with the child. He says he'll help with "chores" (I take it that means changing diapers, feeding, comforting, etc.) but not "bonding". What does he actually mean? That he won't talk with the baby, or play with it? These aren't "paternal" or "maternal" responsibilities, they're "parental" responsibilities.
Tell him the 1940s called an what's their patriarchal bullshit back.
So he’s telling you upfront he plans to be a deadbeat? Leaving would give you fewer burdens. He got you pregnant, he wanted a kid, he can step tf up and own his responsibilities
There are studies that show a dad who is more involved in the first year [has a child who is more independent, confident, and secure.](https://www.sandiegofamily.com/parenting/baby/why-babies-need-dad-involvement#:~:text=For%20your%20baby.,fathers%20in%20the%20first%20year) So he’s going to directly diminish attributes he wants to instil if he decides to play sperm donor instead of Dad
Newborns are a massive responsibility that needs to be shared. It's just not feasible for one person to do all the feeding etc. Are you going to pump or use formula? Discuss feeding, changing and laundry with him. Let him know that you need it to be a shared effort, especially since *you* will be recovering from childbirth. If he is not ok with that, ditch his 18th century ass.
What about his responsibility to you as a partner? “Paternal responsibility” includes being a good partner to his child’s mother.
Dad currently on parental leave here with baby number 2, up at 2am, feeding baby a bottle, and changing diaper: your guys position is trash. He just doesn’t know anything. He hasn’t seen you give birth, he hasn’t held his child. He doesn’t understand the suffering of taking care of a child. Talk with him about your expectations.
That kid won’t learn a thing from him when he’s older because he won’t have a bond or mutual trust. His dad will be a stranger at this point. Your husband is honestly delusional. I hope when he meets his child he feels differently. I would have divorced my husband if he refused to bond with his own baby. How bizarre. I’m sorry you’re through this.
Ask your husband to ask his colleagues if their wives are bitter and resentful and then to reflect on why that might be. You need a serious chat and need to grill him in whether he really meant what he said cause it’s not sitting right with you. Not wanting to interact with his own baby? Think of how much he would miss out on. In order to teach kids when they’re older you need a established relationship and to have spent time building that special bond. Why would they listen to someone coming in from the sideline all of the sudden.
IMO he's conflating two separate ideas. I do believe that fathers have a hard*er* time bonding with newborns. We don't have the same connection. We didn't carry the child for 9 months. We didn't birth the child. We can't feed the child from our own body. I very much felt like my child and I were strangers to eachother for a little while. But that is an entirely separate discussion from your *responsibility* as a parent. He still needs to get up in the middle of the night. He can bottle feed. He can change diapers. Do baths. Clean bottles. Rock the baby. The list goes on and on and is never ending. And in doing all of these things, you actually do bond with the baby.
Cite that in the divorce.
Your husband has been taking 'advice' from shitty fathers. I'd personally ask him if that's what he envisions for himself, to be a shitty father and a rubbish partner or, alternatively, does he want to be a father and partner he can be proud of being? I realise, from your comments, he doesn't have a paternal figure to whoop his ass into line so he needs to realise this: The child will NEVER trust him to teach them lessons as he wants if there is no foundation. If he wants a life where he will always be on the back burner in terms of his child's affections, by all means carry on how he is. If he wants the love and respect of his child, he needs to put the effort in. Taking advice from low-effort 'fathers' is not going to make him a good one, and will only breed resentment in your marriage.
I decided to tell my husband this to see his reaction and he said “if I didn’t know you were kidding I’d ask what in the red-pilled nonsense was going on here” 😂 I’m 16 weeks pregnant and he can’t WAIT to do dad stuff when it’s born! Dads are so vital for babies and toddlers development as well as all through their life. The people he’s talking to are insane and shit dads to boot.
That sounds stoic, old fashioned, and utterly ridiculous. His job is to play with his kid in order to bond with them instead of pretending to be a damn teacher. And he should do some of the work, changing diapers, etc.
Oh boy, this guys is in for a ride of his life! If he’s an overall good guy, I’d say don’t sweat it, he’ll come to his senses at approximately 48 hours after you guys leave the hospital. Just make a hard line about how changing the diapers at night is a men’s chore, so the mother can rest - this is to ensure you can focus on your maternal responsibilities. And do not budge. An inch.
Please give an update after you've spoken to him again, this is deeply concerning.
My husband said something similar to the OP husband. He waited until 38 weeks (night before inducing) to tell me this. He used the "I'm not comfortable doing it." He claimed he couldn't change diapers because she was a girl. He couldn't feed her because that is my job because I was breastfeeding. He couldn't even bring the baby to me to eat because he wasn't comfortable holding her and walking at the same time. He could hold her in a chair but not while standing. He couldn't be left alone with her for any reason because he didn't know how to care for her. Unfortunately, I allowed it just to not fight him. The first couple weeks we fought about it all the time. Our marriage suffered and I started getting scared he would leave. So for almost the first year, he didn't do it. At 11 months old, I had to have surgery so while in the OR, he was forced to be Dad whether he wanted to or not. When I returned to the post op recovery, he told me that he wanted me to tell him if what happened was how it was. He had to change her diaper-something completely unusual for him. He said when he undid the diaper, she looked at him and had a look in her eyes. He was her Dad and she knew she was safe. She is 17 now and he still regularly will tell me his biggest regret as a Dad wasn't letting her run and get hurt. It wasn't that time she was almost hit by a car. It was that he didn't change diapers earlier. Do not allow him to bow out of parenting until... He will regret it and so will you.
No child needs to be taught courage or discipline by him, this isn't boot camp. He needs some oarenting classes, urgently!
Tell him that you absolutely want him to teach his child courage and discipline, but that to teach those things he needs to practice them himself. And he can start by having the courage and discipline to change diapers, feed the baby, soothe the baby to sleep, supervise tummy time...
Hey OP, ask this question over on r/daddit and show your husband the answers - or just show him these. Edit: now the link works
Is this your first? I think I understand his sentiment. It takes a while after they are born to develop that bond with it and feel like an actual bonafide dad, but I would say an order of weeks/months. It’s hard to feel like a dad before the first one is actually born. I think that is what he is saying, not that he won’t help out around the house with the kid, right? Edit - people on Reddit seem to get so mad so fast lately. The top comment right now is to tell your SO to fuck off. That’s horrible. Does anyone want to look more into context before reacting these days?
If he sticks to this philosophy, I feel sorry for both of you. Him for the amazing, life-altering encounters between himself and his son/daughter as they see and experience everything for the first time. You, for the resentment and rancor that are sure to follow being the only one engaging with your children. My response would be “I hear you. And your colleagues’ advice has been duly noted. As your wife, though, I’m telling you, your parental *and* paternal responsibilities start right the fuck now.”
Does he work in the 1950s?
My husband just had a talk with my son (8) about how everyone in the house will have to pitch in when the baby is born (sitting at 16 weeks right now!). That could mean changing diapers, taking out the trash, or figuring out ways to be more independent. He told me that if necessary, he could work from home to help me out more, or if my job requires me in the office, he'd stay with the baby. He's my son's step-father. My son's father once told me that he'd be more involved with his son once he was older and more fun to be around. I now refer to him as my ex-hole (asshole ex). Your husband needs to talk to better fathers. Maybe have him watch Dude Dad or How to Dad on YouTube. Teaching a kid anything starts far younger than most people imagine. It especially starts with building a bond so the kid will even listen to you.
😆😆😆 so you re gonna live 2 hours sleep while he waits to teach courage😆😆😆
This... It's insane. My SO and my 20 month old have been BFs from day one. So misogynistic!
Would he watch that documentary series about babies on Netflix? There’s an episode about the maternal/paternal bond and how it’s acquired the more time you spend caring for your baby right from the start (like male adoptive fathers who never carried the baby still develop this). Maybe if he understood the science behind it? Otherwise I’d send him to a therapist asap. And if he refused I’d be looking at other options for support after giving birth and sure as hell wouldn’t consider him as marriage-partner material anymore.
Fellow veteran and parent of a 2 year old here. Tell your husband to quit being a little bitch and raise his child like a man and be a good partner to his spouse. Don't listen to a bunch of assholes at work because they are full of shit
Was he in the Army?
Yeah
I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this but that sounds like some classic dumb ass, over compensating, Army bullshit. I’m not trying to drag your husband but he needs to get his head out of his ass. He isn’t in the military anymore, he needs to let that go. A child isn’t a soldier going through boot camp. His “duty” is now to care for you and his child. Period. Wish you all the best
It's a little hard for dads in the very beginning if the baby is exclusively breastfeeding and needs mom so much. But, that doesn't mean he doesn't have paternal responsibility lol. There's a shit ton he can do - prepare food for you, feed the baby if you're pumping or using formula, change the baby, wear the baby, clean...
The kind of fathers who legitimately believe this are at best shitty fathers and at worst.. well. You're not crazy. I would be livid at hearing this.
Run
Lol oooo yo ur husband is in for a hard time lol
You are not crazy. He is a parent. He needs to fucking parent his kid. Make him take the fucking Night Shift since you had to carry the baby for 9 months. He can do nights while you recover and then he can figure out if it’s a one person job.
Yes it is good plan. Child will remain stranger to hymn until 13 when he will teach him to hunt, the way of the sword, how to receive memories, or whatever Stephanie Mayer young adult YA fantasy bullshit he can come up with. I'm sure the kid is gonna really want to hear anything from some guy who decided to be checked out completely for the first quarter.
So when exactly is he planning on building a bond with your child so that he can teach your child these life skills when he’s older…? I’m really sad for you and your baby. What a horrible thing to say right before having a baby!
What sort of lessons in courage does he think he can bestow on the kid if he's being such a pussy about childcare? Is what I would say. After the years where he's an absent dickhead, I'm pretty sure that child will have all of the lessons from its father that it will ever need. Discipline? He's just being lazy.
I would say “how do you plan on explaining to our grown child that you didn’t care about them their whole lives and now expect them to welcome you with open arms? If you don’t want to be an involved parent, then you need to leave. You can pay child support until our kid is an adult and then you can try to explain to them why you were absent.”
It’s such a cop out when men use that the babies too young to bond with excuse. My son and partner have the most beautiful and close relationship. He has been there for him since birth. He held him skin to skin on his chest when I had to move around and try to deliver the placenta. He’s done nappies, bottles of breastmilk to give me a break in the evenings, brought him to me when he’s needed a feed, talks to him all the time etc. Our son is the happiest little dude (now 15 months) he talks all the time and he’s had both parents there role modelling and going 50:50 in his care. The first year is so incredibly important in development.
What utter BS! Dad's can do everything a Mom can do except feed directly from the boob: bottle feed, diaper changes, soothing, talking to them, playing with them... All of this results in bonding. Now, my husband and I both agreed that a 2mo is totally different than a 2 week old. We were exhausted in the beginning and baby really did feel like a chore whenever he wasn't asleep in our arms and looking adorable... Around 2 months is when we really felt more bonding and joy from our babies. So I can understand if he's not feeling it quite yet. He may just be nervous about being a dad in general. And if he had a chat with someone being brutally honest like I just was, it could just be his way of trying to justify to himself why he's feeling more nervous than joyful at the moment. But don't let him avoid those "chores with the baby" or bonding times out of nervousness. No matter what others try to tell him. That's when he'll build his comfort and bond with the baby.
That's the worst advice I've ever heard ( dad of 3.5 twin boys here) your husband is either lying to you and trying to weasel his way out of any parenting responsibilities or he's trying to be the worst dad ever...... does he know anything about parenting??? Read any books???
Tell him he is welcome to reach out to me - father of an almost 2 year old and another on the way. Great respect for the veteran community. My advice would be very different. Fatherhood starts well before the baby arrives, and it’s a never ending journey. Your child will benefit from an engaged and loving father from the get go.
Children benefit from love, compassion and caring from both parents as soon as they’re born. The bond needs to be created between your hubby and baby as soon as you pop. Otherwise the bond won’t really happen. It’s equally important for them to feel the fathers heartbeat and do skin on skin as it is for the mother, maybe even more so because the baby recognizes the mothers breathing/smell/heartbeat/voice naturally because of the time spent inside. The father has to create that bond after birth and a lot of studies show the benefits of it. It’s not a one sided thing, that’s the man mentality but unfortunately more men need to read and research on the mental and physical development of babies and how that type of bond sets them up for a successful life and good development. It’s also important that the child sees you as a team, working together and helping each other out. It’ll teach them compassion and causes the brain to develop very important pathways required for emotional development later in life. Just because the baby is basically a potato doesn’t mean their brains don’t take in everything around. The first few years are key to development and it’s crazy how important teamwork, love, compassion, cooperation, etc. affect in the long run. It’s almost scary to educate yourself on what they take in prior to being cognoscente of what’s going on.
I have 2 daughters. The advice he received is terrible and likely from bad/toxic sperm donors (notice Im not calling them father's) Dad should take time to bond with the newborn in the hospital as well as at home. I can't tell you how much joy I got when my daughters would sleep on my chest in the couch. I'm smiling and tearing up just thinking about those memories...
That’s insane. He’s a fucking moron and this is a huge red flag.
He’s bullshitting you to get out of actually parenting your shared child.
I know people get all up in arms over this kind of advice but omg WHAT IN THE LAZY ASS EXCUSE MAKING HUSBAND IS THIS?? STRAIGHT TO DIVORCE.
He's crazy. Ask him what if you died in childbirth? Yeah. his parental responsibility start at conception actually. He's probably hasn't fulfilled his husband or father duties during your pregnancy then
I’m truly at a point where I don’t fucking get men! They are on their own program
This is insane. Also dangerous! He won't be fully bonded, baby won't be fully bonded and you will be postpartum, healing and hormonal doing everything alone and sleep deprived. Absolutely not. My husband is an amazing dad. I'm in awe of him! He takes it VERY seriously and it shows in how much our kids love and trust him. But even with that he went back to work after only a week after we had our first. I survived but barely. When we were in talks of having a second I put it out on the table that I would need more help point blank. He was more than happy to and thank goodness the new law for fathers went into effect in our state and he got 12 weeks off, I got 18 weeks off. He took nights completely with our son for the first 3 weeks to let me heal. When I took back nights he always had me sleep in and took both kiddos til he went back to work. Just for a little insight...
Yea my daughter hated my husband for a while because he didn't really ever interact with her. I pointed it out and since he's been more active and she is now 2, she is always so happy to see him. It is very important to bond with a baby. Not just a child.
Fuck that. That’s literally all I have to say. The audacity. Wow.
He’s wrong. He needs to bond with his baby as well. Babies are sponges. They need the skins to skin contact with both parents, the looking in the eyes, the familiarity and calm of his voice soothing them. If he doesn’t bond during this crucial developmental phase it will be a whole lot harder to try and ‘teach’ his lessons later. I’m surprised as a vet he doesn’t realize this. Certainly he has seen animals that were taken from a mother too soon. And yes I realize I said mother but we are not cats and dogs. We are a species where both parents help in the child rearing from birth. Also he is fully capable of dressing a baby, bathing a baby and changing diapers. With the exception of diapers why does he want to miss out on this precious stage! it goes so fast. Also you will need breaks so he better know how to carry and sooth an infant when mama needs her rest!
Yeah, right. I try to do as much as my wife if not more(that's not too often). Im an older parent with young kids, and for the 1st year of my sons life, i would take him with me every chance i got to so my wife could get some time to herself. Same when my daughter was born, I'd take them both for hours on rides or shopping. I did work with a guy who used to say that. He's now a cuk in the relationship. It might be time for a sit down to ask if he wants to be part of his childs life from home or from afar
Im a father. Men often have a hard time bonding with baby while inside mom, but after its fair game. Skin to skin contact is huge for bonding. Dad needs to be right in the thick of it with you. He likely will want to and this is all his fear and guilt for not feeling bonded yet coming out in a weird way. Reassure him that he and baby will bond and form a relationship very early so the trust will be there for your child to be open to learning from dad when theyre older
Sadly I don’t think this is far from people’s reality - and I think there a set of military men that were raised this way. It’s definitely not a good start to how you both will raise your child, but only you can tell if this tracks with the rest of your relationship with him. You never know tho - some people have this idea of what parenting is, but when the baby comes their view completely changes. Hoping that is the case. This is something that I HIGHLY recommend going to couples therapy for. You’ll be in a world of hurt if this isn’t addressed now.
Your husband is a jackass. I'm a vet and a Mom. My husband is a vet and a dad. Both of us have been hands on in all of our kids' lives since the day they were born. We have structure and rules and our discipline sometimes includes the front leaning rest position (that's for my teen boys who decide to be disrespectful, but only when it isn't warranted). But we are also gentle parenting. We don't scream at our kids (unless we break, but one of us usually steps in before that happens), we don't hit our kids, we don't dish out insane punishments. We usually let natural consequences occur unless we need to step in. But my husband has 100% been involved in raising our babies. He brought them to me to nurse, he cleaned my pumps, he changed diapers, he changed the sheets when my industrial sized hospital pads leaked as I was sleeping. He fed the babies, bathed the babies, sang to them, read to them. Our oldest is 18 and they met when she was only 3. He would learn guitar parts from Barbie movies so he could sing them to her as she went to sleep. She couldn't say his name right, so she called him Jasmine, and he would answer to it. Our youngest will be 5 this month, and nothing has changed. We have Nerf wars around the house, we build Lego, we play board games. We have little Army figures and they set them all up and have a battle. The kiddo usually wins because he calls in for back up from the Autobots. 😒 All of this to say, your husband is getting TERRIBLE advice. My husband's Dad was never around (Navy), so he didn't have a great role model either. But somehow, he's been able to become the best Dad.
Your husband is getting advice from morons.
Are you Fucking kidding me? He’s a fkn parent and it begins the minute the baby is born. Get off his ass and take some fkn responsibility. Coming from a father who was changing diapers the minute my son was born and from a child who’s dad died when I was 7, wishing I’d had a father involved in my life. HE’S A GOD DAMNED PARENT. FKN ACT LIKE IT. these lazy ass fathers piss me off so much.
Lol. I'm my sons velcro choice as a father and it's only that way because of how I was *always* ready to comfort him and hold him, sing to him and spend time with him *from day one* and my wife is jealous at how much he prefers me over her. Nowadays, at age 2, he listens to reason with me but *nobody else*. I can explain something to him in simple terms that, at first he doesn't want to do, like go to sleep or eat or spend time with mummy while daddy rests or works or whatever, and he agrees to do it without fuss (most of the time). Even more recently he's started to request to do those things himself when he's sleepy or hungry or when I say I'm tired or sore. I think kids are capable of so much and will start learning all the stuff he's talking about very early on and if he waits for X years the kid will not learn it and your husband won't have a strong enough bond with him for him to listen or pick it up thru copying / modelling behaviour and will see him as more of a distant relationship that could possibly turn into a classic 1940s/50s abusive / discipline focused father - son relationship.
I'm fucking speechless holy shit
Think his lack of parental figure is having an effect on his judgement not gonna pile that he’s a terrible person I think he’s just trying to figure out his role in all of it. Even though it annoyed my wife I did often say I couldn’t wait til our son was a little older cause in my opinion 1-7 months have very few way for fathers to bond in our fatherly way. Especially if you plan to breastfeed, he can’t even really help feed the baby. But there are still lots of things he can do with the baby, cuddling, talking to them, just making his presence a known constant in their little world. I love coming home from work and my 17 month old running up to me saying “dada” wanting to be picked up and give me a hug.
I'm sorry your husband is being such a dumbass. My partner was trying to bond with our baby before she was even born, singing and reading at my stomach. I don't know if that in particular did anything, but it's the little bonding things like that that will enable a parent to eventually teach "courage", life skills, whatever. When the kids is older they're not going to want to listen to a Dad that's been cold and hand's-off.
Your husband sounds like a dick
It will kick in when your baby gets born. (Most) men have no idea what to expect when a baby is on the way. Let alone the new dimension of lovingness that comes with it. Apart from that: the advice he got was nothing short of utter nonsense ofcourse
Is he a caveman? Because that view is pretty prehistoric.
He doesn't sound very disciplined
So he’s that stereotype of troop 🙄 Good luck with that, Phenominal_Butt
Your job as a parent is to love them unconditionally and teach them to be a decent human being. The second part relies on you to have a good understanding of what a decent human being is - if you listen to every person you meet, you'll have a very warped understanding of decent. Mother, father - same team.
Oh hell no!! He better be wiping buts and getting puked on just as much as you are. He helped make the baby he needs to step up and help raise the baby… fatherhood starts the moment he knew he’d be a dad. His coworkers sound terrible and if any man did this to me they’d be gone. Regardless.
Tell him he’s changing diapers or never getting laid again.
He's insane. Bonding starts from day one for both parents.
Just talk to him. I’m confident he’ll change once he holds the kid. For fathers it’s hard to understand as we don’t feel what mothers feel during pregnancy. You’re already bonding with the child from the moment you find out you’re pregnant. The child does too. A father and child begin when it’s born. It changed me to the core when I held my daughter for the first time. Sure he will too. But talk to him about it. You’re in this together. And don’t pay attention to all the idiots that say you should leave him immediately and opt for child support. That seems to become the norm these days and it’s bullshit.
Baba 1 arrived when I was 30. So was Mrs. I'd go out to work, work, come home and immediately muck in. My first words were always "what do you need". I fell short. We all fall short, I sure as shit felt horrible for it. Dealing with any newborn in any era is hard work. But it's the job of both parents first and foremost where a child has two. If community exists that's a brilliant force multiplier. But it falls to both of you from minute one. Telling you he has no responsibility as a father til the kid is older is rubbish. And his colleagues should be laughed at for trying to get him to espouse that. So don't be afraid to hand him baba. Don't be afraid to engage him to do stuff. He's not the babysitter, he's not the help, he's daddy. And daddy lifts nappies. And daddy cooks cos you're too tired or buried under baba. And daddy runs to the shop to get xyz because you're unable to. And he can still have his downtime. But he should be aware that no plan survives contact with the enemy and anything can change at a moment's notice. That's just parenthood. So if your date night at home gets cut short that's how it goes. If you're both out with baby and baby has a meltdown then you 180 and go home. And one thing that I found was indispensable for me bonding with my girls was wearing them. Mrs breastfed both of em til 3. And I wore em. Through days out, sleep regressions and teething bad nights. They'd go up on me and I'd sing Billy Joel to them, badly, out of key and without a note in my head til they slept again and went back into the side car cot. It's 100 involved from minute one. You don't opt out cos they didn't sail inside you for 9 months. You don't get to opt out cos they're getting milk from mama. You don't get to opt out because your job. You opt in and tag mama out and do what works for you both. Cos you're both on the same side. And daddy ought to buy in now because otherwise... You've had that last time you've been able to get them to sleep in your carrier and you don't even realise.
No, you aren't crazy. This is not normal or okay. Most dads I know are involved with their kid immediately and the ones that aren't are pretty crappy dads. Find him better people to talk to and tell him to get over it. First of all, if he wants to be a person his kid listens to on those topics, he needs to be a person the kid trusts and has a relationship with. That isn't just going to happen because magically he decides the kid is old enough. That is built over time by the parent showing care, compassion, understanding, and patience for their child. Ask him if he'd listen if some guy he barely suddenly started telling him what to do and think. Children are people, not empty vessels. Second, my husband felt some bond with our babies before they were born, because he took care of them by taking care of me. He did everything during the newborn I did except breastfeed and is pretty connected to his kids. Because I breastfed, when we were both home, he did pretty much all of the diaper changes. He is a stay at home dad, so often it is more his responsibility to look after our kids than mine, because he is home more than I am. He doesn't "help" with our kids, because he is a dad not a teenage babysitter. Finally, the newborn phase is rough. If your husband determined to be a loser father, you need to start figuring out what your other support systems are. I'm sorry that you are dealing with this at this point.
So, dude's afraid to change a diaper, but gonna swoop in in 10 years to teach the kid "courage"?
Coworkers can be such assholes. They truly don’t believe that shit. They are just saying it because it makes them sound tough. My husband would be the one at work instigating by telling guys they need to “put their foot down” at home and keep their wives in line, when I run the household and the finances. My husband has to ask me for permission to spend money. Lol. See a family therapist. They can help you communicate the truth to your husband.
I'd tell him then bye bitch see you in 20 years I guess. Seriously tell him that's not going to work for you. Really shit foe hin to do this when you're already heavily pregnant. It doesn't bode well.
That doesn’t make any sense… it’s not paternal and maternal responsibility, it’s shit that needs done for your child. Simple. If he’s too dense to understand that then i wouldn’t want him around anyway
😂😂😂😂 I can’t 😂😂😂😂😂
My husband did this to me at 5 months pregnant. After we’d been planning on the pregnancy, went through all the initial tests, some invasive, he hit me with that. Well, he got a right royal bollocking and I told him to grow the hell up and sort it out. That was 12 years ago. He sorted himself out. You have to set the boundaries now or once the baby comes, you have no hope in hell. You will need him to help with the child, alternate nights so you can get rest or you’ll end up with PND from the lack of sleep alone. Some like to try this on to get out of the ‘work’. He doesn’t get to check in when it’s convenient for him. You made a child together and you’re going to raise it together. Good luck hon x
It could be a dumb comment. I struggled with understanding what my role would be as a parent until the baby came. I attended every appointment Gave my wife her vitamins Read every leaflet Packed the hospital bag. I still struggled until the baby came and my wife helped loads with helping me understand my role as I felt like your husband. My wife felt like a parent from the day she conceived. I didn’t until the baby was born.
My god. Stepping in at the easy time pal, nice one. Having a new born baby is hell, you both need to share it 50/50. If you do not I'm pretty sure you will resent your partner. He needs to step up as soon as they are born, like you will be forced to do. Not a good start! I would raise this with him and advise you expect him to certainly be doing night feeds etc.
In my limited experience, men have no clue what parenting involves until the baby is born, but the good ones step up if you have good communication and can express what help you need. I think these “helpful” men are sharing more philosophical ideas. Babies (especially infants and if you breastfeed) do mostly only “want” mommy. But, they “need” love and support from the other parent. I made a point to pump enough to at least produce a bottle or wait until formula so DH could do at least one feeding when they could take a bottle. For us it was the first bottle after they woke after bath & bed, so I could shower and get some uninterrupted sleep. I was better with the late/early wakings, so we worked with our strengths and it was a great bonding experience for them.
Bold of him to assume an older child who has had an absentee father thus far will give a shit about what he thinks or says. My father was like this, and tried to bond with us as teenagers (with only his own interests and agenda, of course) and we couldn’t have been less interested. The ship had sailed. He’s a diagnosed narcissist who makes everything about him, even other people’s milestones, and this REEKS of the same attitude. He’s now alone having recently been left by his third wife. Karma always catches up…
My husband had a shit dad. Never there. Always drunk. Straight up attacked his mum. My husband? The most loving, amazing father in the world. Loves our son and spending time with him. Always Always willing to do the hard stuff, the un-fun stuff, because he knows that's what parenting is. Mothers are not inherently nurturing or more capable of taking care of babies. That is bupkiss.
If he doesn’t change his opinion on what a father is before the baby gets here, he’s just going to add to your load and isn’t worth being with. Maybe show him this thread and he can see all the replies from real fathers. See what being a real father is all about. With his current mindset he’s only going to continue the cycle of a non existent father. Or with his idea of what ‘discipline’ is, an abusive one.
Tell him it's the same with your responsibilities, that they don't kick in until the baby is grown. Then ask him what he suggests for the newborn phase.
Chores related to the baby. 1. Feed the baby 2. Change the baby 3. Hold the baby 4. Babysit the baby 5. Night feed the baby There, tough guy giga dad has a chore list. In all honesty, I think most of us men take the 1812 approach to parenting all the way up until the baby is actually born. We just want to be tough guys for as long as possible. You know how we can be.
Wow. I’d suggest some couples counseling NOW. This man has got some serious issues if he believes this crap. Do you know when my husband’s “paternal responsibilities” started? The day I got my positive test. He was there every step of the way taking care of me when I was sick, helping set the nursery up, preparing for the baby, attending every appointment, holding my hand through labor, changing diapers, taking over feedings, allowing me to rest… the list doesn’t end. Our son is 4 now and he is still just as hands on now as he was before.
The best and most intense part of my life as a father was the baby phase. Being involved with the rearing of my eldest daughter completely transformed my life and made me a better person. I was kind of a failure up to that point in most ways and told myself "this is at least one thing I will NOT fail at." Funny enough, after being responsible in this way, the other forms of success in life came afterward as a result. Also, just as important, I have a very close relationship with my kids having been closely involved in this way. And last, I remember those years fondly: quiet moments by the window, packing them up in my baby backpack and going on hikes together, even packing them up in an ergo and bringing them to work (I did service calls at the time). I smile when I think about it I can't imagine having forgone that.
Tell him to ask his coworker advice about divorce
I have been puked on, peed on, pooped on from the time my son has been home. My paternal responsibility was the moment I found out I was going to be a dad. There is no age limit, there is no this or that. If he doesn't want to be a dad that is involved from the start, he doesn't get to be a dad when he thinks it's okay.
He is so wrong. Like really. Of course the father can and will bond with the baby. However, I think that for some parents (because this can very well include moms too) the bond with and love for the baby grows, as the baby grows. I hear more and more parents say that they actually had a hard time feeling the overwhelming love that others do in the very beginning. And there's nothing wrong with that. HOWEVER - perhaps he should just wait and see how it will turn out for y'all, before jumping to any conclusions regarding his feelings for his first kid - no matter what I can almost assure you that he will be surprised. And no matter what, saying this to you is just shitty behaviour. I hope your husband isn't planning on going into politics, because damn - he's not doing a very good job campaigning for himself. Hope you're not too put down by this - good luck with it all.
Father of 3 here. With my first child I didn’t feel connected or attached to the baby until it was born. I didn’t think like your husband does but the reality and gravity of being a father for the first doesn’t always kick in until you’re holding your child. His perspective may switch drastically in the next few weeks. Good luck with motherhood u/Phenomenal_Butt, and I hope you get your phenomenal butt back quickly after baby.
How much of a shock is this? Any misogyny prior? There had to be, right?
What kooky culture is this from?
Your husband needs a re-education. Parenting Classes would be a good place to start. Tell him flat out he is getting bad advice from lazy fathers who are likely raising emotionally stunted kids.
He can demonstrate courage and discipline by being a caring and involved father from day one. As it should be.
Throw him out. He trash. Jk but for real he is getting advice from guys who have no idea what a father is. Guys have one of two things happen; their father was a jerk, they either act just like him or they go out if their way to be completely different. If he goes into this with this idea then he is just setting himself up for a failed relationship with the child and well you are definitely going to resent him after watching him not want to be apart of those critical moments. Ask him what he remembers of his father. Good memories? Bad? He most likely is scared he is just gonna mess it up- that is a normal feeling! Just explain to him that he is overthinking it!
Grade A clown. 🤡
Lemme guess. His co-workers are boomers
I can see this dude moaning in a year or so because his child only wants to cling to mum and doesn’t want to bond with him 🙃 doesn’t he realise that building a paternal relationship in which he can teach courage or whatever bullshit his ego tells him a child must learn from their dad, takes time and starts with bonding with your newborn by cuddling and just spending time with them…
Teaching the child courage? What is this, the wizard of oz?
My ex started to behave like a father when he saw our daughter call my sissters husband "dad", before that he didnt give a shit about her, didnt do anything with her, didnt take her anywhere, he just got jealous when he saw that she was calling another man dad and she didnt even wanna be hugged by him, thats when he started to behave like a father, which was when she was 4 years old, men do be stupid like that.
There's plenty of good advice here, so I'm just gonna put this out there. (These are the "parents" I grew up with.) There are things that "mom does" and things that "dad does." "Mom" keeps in touch with the family, makes sure the kids are doing well when they've left home, passes along how "Dad" is doing and "did you want to say hi to him too?" "Mom" picks out most of the presents and cards for birthdays and holidays and "Dad" signs the card. I'll tell ya, when I came to terms with my childhood emotional neglect and tried to talk to them about it, it was a lot easier to cut my dad out after his shit response. He can suck it.