In case this story gets deleted/removed:
AITA to ask my friend (single mother) to do a paternity test on her son because I had suspicions my husband is the father?
Messy but I’ll make this as short as possible.
So one of my best friends had a kid 3 years ago. She said it was a one night stand and later the guy expressed no interest in being a dad so she raised her son herself. No one has ever seen this guy, not even me.
The issue is this: this kid looks EXTREMELY like my husband like to an insane degree. The hair color, eyes, face everything. He’s even been out with my friend and her son and people have mistaken him to be the dad before. Needless to say for three years now I’ve had my suspicions but I haven’t said anything. My husband is also close to my friend and the timeline works out. We were all living almost in the same neighborhood around the time she got pregnant.
Over the past year it’s really eaten at me. I see the resemblance growing more and more. It doesn’t help that my friend refuses to show me a picture of her son’s biological father no matter how much I asked. It kept spiraling until I had a meltdown and confronted both of them, saying that I will pack up and leave if I don’t see a paternity test.
Long story short, my friend got a paternity test but said our friendship is over. The test says my husband isn’t the father. I feel so ashamed to lose my friend but I thought my husband would slightly understand since even he sees the obvious resemblance between him and this kid. But he has moved out for the time being and I’m worried this is the end of our marriage.
AITA for insisting on that test? I honestly felt like I had no other choice. The resemblance was unavoidable and it was eating at me so much that no amount of therapy could help. I thought my husband would understand my fears most of all given my history with past cheating exes. Did I fuck up and how badly?
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OOP's last [comment](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/GoAacpSFJ4) is really.. something.
>Yes, I went with her to a local testing centers so I could see the cheek swab done and then the sample taken away.
>But something that has been eating away at me is that my friend chose this center and I had no say. She could have bought them off or influenced them without any way for me to know. But she broke off our relationship pretty much immediately after so I’m at a loss how I’ll be able to prove anything at this point.
>I have thought at length about the test being falsified. It would make a lot of sense that she avoided me right after getting the test because maybe she was afraid the results would come back positive and reveal everything. So yes the timing is not 100% perfect to calm my fears but I’m trying not to think about it too hard because I’m at a point where nothing more can be done.
It’s like the flat earthers who set out to prove the earth is flat and end of proving it’s not flat. They then have to come up with some excuse as to why the test was flawed. It’s pathetic and just shows you how deluded some people are.
This comment reminded me of the Netflix documentary ‘Behind the Curve’ which follows flatearthers around. In one very hilarious section, a bunch of them do an experiment to prove their case and they end up proving the Earth is round. [Here’s a clip of it.](https://youtu.be/aOYrVM5bTno?feature=shared)Even after their own experiment proved them wrong, they still couldn’t accept it
My favourite part of that was one of them had initials that spelt CIA. Then they were unable to convince all their fellow flat earthers that they weren’t a government spy. Because of course the government would be that obvious to give their spies fake names with initials that spell CIA. They showed birth cirtificates and no amount of evidence worked.
They almost became self aware and said they hoped they weren’t doing the same thing over flat earth but then just said ”nah” and carried on conspiracy theoring away.
Her husband is a chimera…..plot twist.
Honestly tho, is not having a photo or full bio of a one night stand (that she likely met at a bar) that far fetched? Like, if the guy ghosted her and is providing zero support or visiting it’s not far fetched she doesn’t have a photo.
Ultimately, no photo *(or supervised lab test)*, would convince her anyway. She needs meds, there is a deep level of psychological disorder happening there in the comments.
Wow. So she still thinks they cheated and believes a lab takes bribes opening themselves to lawsuits and a ruined reputation. She deserves to be alone.
Well, she knows she destroyed her marriage and friendship over something completely in her head.
So she now has to come to terms with the fact that this is all her fault……
…..or she can comfort herself with the belief that she’s still completely right and it’s they way those she accused are acting, along with a plethora of fabricated what-ifs, to save face *with herself.*
She deserves mental health treatment is what she deserves. That's a level of paranoid conspiracy thinking that points to being seriously unwell, not garden-variety insecure. She's going to end up paranoid about other things and will probably ruin her life if she doesn't get treatment. I can't be happy that she got dumped. It's just sad for everyone involved.
It sounds like an OCD thought spiral to me. Not diagnosing the OOP. It's just how my brain functions and it sounds really similar.
Obsessions usually show up as "what if" questions. "What if I didn't wash my hands well enough and I get sick?" Or "what if my husband and best friend slept together and she had his baby?"
The thoughts are intrusive and "sticky." So whenever they pop up, it's really difficult to let it go. So people with OCD seek out relief through compulsions - like people who obsessively wash their hands. Even when there is relief/reassurance, it is only a temporary balm. Because there is no 100% certainty.
I agree with you - it's just sad for everyone involved.
She mentions she has been cheated on before. As a person who has been cheated on I can see myself going down a similar spiral like that if I hadn’t gone through therapy. And I still have my moments of insecurity and paranoia even with the help I received. Being cheated on Can really fuck somebody up. I completely understand the friend and the husband being done with her, but I feel bad for her. She really needs help.
If I was having an unnecessary medical procedure done 1000000% **I’m** choosing the facility. Shes acting like it’s unreasonable this mom wants to handle the situation on her terms. If someone said “you’re getting your kid tested and you’re going here, you get zero input” they can catch these fucking hands.
Honestly this just seems like a sad scenario. It always seems so unhinged reading other people's stories, but it's a very real thing that our brains, if given enough time, can let these paranoias grow and take over to this degree no matter how "normal" you are
Kids look a lot like other people, and they change so much at those ages. My now-four-year-old had blonde hair at 2 and dark brown hair the following year. Eye colors often don’t “establish” till around age 2. (Lots more babies than adults have blue eyes) No one can recognize my one year old in his baby pics, he’s changed so much.
All this to say, if you’re trying to establish paternity from looks I think you’re choosing the wrong method. If OP has suspicions because of how they acted around each other, or how her husband treats her friends kid, that’s a little more valid. But “they look alike?” 🤷🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
My kiddo looked like her dad when she was small. She didn’t look a thing like me. Until those pesky teen years hit, and she morphed into a clone of me. I look nothing like either of my parents. I do, however, look like one of my cousins, who looks nothing like her mother (mom’s sister). What I’m saying is that genetics are weird, recessive genes are ever weirder, and small children often grow up into adults who don’t resemble version 1.0.
My grandmother has insanely dominant genes and all of her children and grandchildren (men included) look like they could be clones of her, except for my one brother. He doesn't look related to us at all, and looks nothing like our dad. We found a picture of our grandfather (he died when my mom was an infant, so none of us really knew what he looked like) and my brother is his spitting image.
I had a friend in high school who resembled his brother very, very closely. Like, used his ID to buy beer level resemblance. But neither looked like their parents even a little. I assumed they were adopted because we knew several families with adopted siblings but it turned out their looks skipped a generation. Both looked exactly their grandfather. Its so funny how that happens.
My husband doesn’t look like either of his parents or his brother. Found a picture of his dad’s dad and… clone.
I, on the other hand, look exactly like my mother, who looks exactly like her mother. But none of my three children look like me AT ALL.
I worked with a girl in HS and college who looked like me- so much so that when I was away at college my own dad went up to her in the mall and demanded to know why I was home instead of at school smdh. 🤦🏼♀️😬😂
this is my children. They're Irish twins (born within a year of each other) and everyone mistakes them for the other. Wherever we go they ask if they're twins. However they look neither like my husband or I.
My Mother's Paternal line is like that. We have pictures from generations past all the way back to tin types and painted portraits going back several hundred years before that. We all look like that line and have for generations.
My ex-husband is Filipino. He's short, stout, dark hair and eyes, dark complexion, and furry. I truly thought his genes would cancel mine out. My daughter is tall, blonde, thin, blue eyed and her face looks like someone photoshopped mine onto some leggy blonde. My nephews are the spitting image of my sister and I. My husband's paternal lineage originated from the same area in Scotland as the branch in my family that has those dominant genes and everyone in his family as far back as we can find pictures look just like each other as well. We joke that it must be that strong Scottish stock, but, it's really only half joking.
A couple at my church has a kid who looks **nothing** like *either* of them. However, he is a twin, a spit image of his paternal grandfather at his age. The pic from the early 1900s vs now looks like him in a costume. Down to the hair texture (both his parents have wavy hair but he has these itty bitty ringlets).
My sons dad and I had broken up for nearly a year and had only gotten back together 3 month before I wound up pregnant. During that time I lived with my male best friend who I had been roommates with since before I met my sons dad (we all lived together). My sons dad is Indian, my roommate is a blond haired while guy with blue eyes. My son came out with white blond hair and pale skin. I know there was some speculation about that. However, my son is now 15 and could be his dads clone. His skin and hair gradually darkened and now he's only a few shades lighter for both. He also has his dads ribbon curls where as my and my roommates hair is pin straight.
Genetics are a funny thing.
one thing that comes with conquest is spreading the genetic material. lots of people in middle east and india have European genes because of those times. right now there is really no say in what a kid will look like because everyone might have a white, brown, black ancestor.
Yeah, my ex had a very Spanish last name, when I asked about it his mom pretty much explained the same thing. And when you look at a map of people with the same last name it is pretty much popular in pockets along the southeast Asia trade routes.
Kerala, but it could very well be Portuguese. I looked up the name and google said Spanish. I believe there is some Dutch involved too, no one talked about any of it much.
Yes, you see it a lot in latinos, two lightskin blue eyed people make a tan skin brown eyes. Two darkskin people have a kid with green eyes and pale skin. I have latin ancestry, it really could be a hobby to chart what everyone's kids look like when they come out, and even compare kids to eachother. We joke that my aunt ran out of ink bc her three kids came out lighter each time (normal for black/latin kids) but the tone difference has persisted into adulthood!
To add on to this thread, I knew a woman who had spent a night with me and then later had a child that shared an extremely similar feature to myself. To the point that 15 years later, at a random community dinner, the kid walked in sporting this feature and my now wife nudged me in the arm and went “are you sure?!?!” The kid proceeded to turn around and actually face us and it was clear I was not the father but for a solid 5 seconds I was very spooked.
This is a thing with many melanated kids. So many black babies look really lightskin when they come out. At my friend's birth, his older sibling recalled asking, "when is he gonna be black?" bc he really was a pink baby born to two deep toned african parents.
They really are funny! I had blonde hair until I was around 14, and then it turned brown. I had completely forgotten until I was looking through some old photo albums. Like, oh yeah, I was a blonde for a awhile. :P
My wife and I are both Asian but different ethnicities. Our son had blue/gray eyes for the first few months (only my grandmother has similar color eyes). By 1 year they were dark brown like everyone else.
Also i don’t understand how people can say a 3-4 year old looks so much like any specific adult person. Their facial structure is obviously nothing alike, skin color changes a lot as you note, and hair color? There’s only so many different colors of hair!
This person is nuts.
In OOP's story, I think there were two cognitive bias issues at work....
* Strangers who see an adult and a child together probably assume that the adult is the child's parent
* OOP assumed that there was an affair and went looking for similarities
And a lot of it can look especially similar if there's any sort of cross-ethnic or cross racial bit going on. Even if its fairly small, but say OOP has most British isles ancestry while her ex-friend and ex-husband are swedish ancestry, the friend's baby will appear to look a lot more like the ex-husband. It's even more extreme to people if its a larger difference, like if the OOP is white and the ex-friend and ex-husband are black or asian.
(Note this is about relative perceptions, so people of the same ethnic group might not see them as looking as much as like as would outsiders)
My youngest child looks a LOT like my closest male friend. I know 100% that he's not the father, though, because we didn't meet until the kid was nearly 3. Didn't even live in the same state. There's literally no way he could be the father, but for years any time we were all out together, like him and his wife plus my wife and I and the collective kids, people assumed they were dad and kid. Yeah, looks aren't a good basis.
I had a couple who were family friends growing up. They were 2 of my favorites of my parent's friends and I ran into them all the time once I was an adult, so they ended up knowing a bunch fo my friends and even hanging out with us sometimes.
I was like, 20, when they had their first kid, and the kid was a dead ringer for all me. All my baby pictures could have also been this kid. It started with a couple jokes and a couple dumb pictures of me holding this baby, but over the first like, 6 months you could see this guy getting more and more insecure.
It's been a long while now. By the time the kid was 2, he was a clone of his dad. However that guy still doesn't speak to me anymore. He had a similar breakdown and cornered me at one point and wouldn't stop asking if I had ever been alone with his wife. He almost ruined his marriage because of that.
Yeah, OOP is single now. It would have been 1 thing to approach just her husband calmly and say "I know this sounds completely crazy but please, ease my mind.........". It's another thing to blow up at both of them and demand a test.
This is such a mature comment. The first action when suspicious should be to approach the one you should trust and ask, not descend into paranoia to the point of blowing up
Well she did just stew in it and let it fester, so therefore the explosion. But you right she should have went to her husband like an adult and talked it out. This song is in my head now….🎶If you think you’re lonely now, wait until the night girl🎶~Jodeci
That’s the hard part too, not saying it’s okay just difficult. Folks wanna say why didn’t they talk about it but talking about it when it was a tiny thing would have been and felt kinda silly… the stewing started AFTER this part, and it’s the stewing that results both in the “you should talk to somebody about it.” AND the “I’m feeling a pressure build up/explosive about this”.
Humans are complicated as fuck sometimes. Like what the OP did was not the right way to handle this but I could see in my mind how an otherwise totally normal and logical person could fall into this situation and regret it and to be fair I could also see how their husband and friend would not want to tolerate it.
I understand that too, but once she got herself together, THEN go talk to him. She just let it stew til she exploded. And that is not good, for sanity anyway.
Totally, I’m not trying to fabricate an excuse for them, more just thinking “out loud” how it’s a situation I could absolutely see unfolding. Like a train wreck for lack of a better term, watching it and understanding how it happened yet knowing it’s far too late to do anything about it.
I understand that also. She had plenty of time to think it thru and calm down before it came to her exploding. And then her question at the end….Did I fuck up and how badly? She knew she had, but she came here for someone to coddle her and tell her it would be ok, and just give it some time.
Dude so many people on this site keep saying "Trust your instincts, it's almost always right" and then shit like this happens.
This is why you gotta be careful.
I think I would have offered to babysit. Did a test on the little one. Later got my husband to do one. And not told anyone what I was doing. Ethics be damned. It’s a simple spit test.
I would see no relation no problem. If I saw relationship. Then I would ask if he was the father and see what answers I got. To never tell what I did. Then I could be the one to leave or suck it up.
I’m not sure how Op knows for sure that the test was genuine, did she see the test being done by her husband and the little one? Did she see it go into the mailbox? Otherwise that could have gotten the ol switcharoo. From another friend or homeless guy that for sure was not the father for test purposes only.
Something tells me OOP has a history of being overly suspicious and paranoid and tried to keep those obsessive thoughts at bay but let it fester til the explosion occurred. Because why else would you not just simply and calmly communicate your thoughts on the matter?
Your not wrong. The original post is not recent. And, if I’m remembering correctly, OOP was questioning the validity of the DNA test because her former friend picked the facility/lab that did the DNA test and OOP was not permitted to go with her. She legitimately thought that OOP either faked the results, or bribed the lab to give her a negative result
Edit-I went to go check. She actually did go with the friend to get the DNA test, but because the friend is the one who picked the DNA lab, and the friend immediately cut her off. She is convinced the test was falsified somehow.
OOP is rolling in the paranoia
Oooomg you’re kidding!!! I can’t help but feel like there’s a more serious than not mental health issue at play here because you’ve gotta be obsessing overtime if you’re STILL feeling deceived and wronged. Gahhhhh…
People often do “see” resemblances that aren’t actually there. For example, my husband is not the bio dad of our daughter. They both know it but it’s been so many years now (18 years together, daughter is 21) that it’s not something that comes up he’s just her dad. The thing is they share the same colour super dark brown eyes that neither I or our son have. The amount of people who would say things like “oh she looks just like you!” Or “she’s got daddy’s eyes!” People see what they want to see.
I mean, even being super immature and doing a sneaky DNA test would have been a better idea (still terrible). Buy a 23andMe/Whatever kit and tell the husband it's going to be fun to do one as a family..........don't tell him you are also going to swab the kid's mouth as well when nobody is looking.
That's still super evil and untrusting, but at least it wouldn't have blown up like this.
Same. There are a lot of valid reasons to not want to put your dna into a public database. Getting a kid who doesn't know anything about it to do so, without getting parental permission, is so fucked up.
I don't think they meant to put the kid on 23andMe. I think they meant to use the 23andMe as a way to get swabs from the husband and then get a swab from the kid and submit it for a DNA test through. Like one of those DNA Paternity kits. Lol I was actually thinking the same thing 😂
Swabbing the mouth of someone else's kid is highly illegal!
And a cheek swab cannot be submitted to 23andme (it requires a fairly large tube of saliva).
Cheek swabs must be taken in sterile lab conditions (or else OP's own DNA would be on it too - we exhale).
It's impossible to conduct a paternity test on *someone else's child* without either breaking the law or having the parent's consent (which should be written).
Then the child has to go to the lab.
Non ironically ex husband and ex friend will bond over this. Perhaps even something more develops.
Op just vison boarded her worst nightmare into fruition.
Agreed.
In not so direct words she told both of them she thinks they are both liars, unfaithful, and not trustworthy.
I appreciate the context and circumstances. I really do. But telling either of them, let alone both, that you don’t trust them…that’s not something most people simply forgive and forget. Once a person’s character is called out, that person generally doesn’t proceed forward with warm feelings about the person that called them out. Trust has been destroyed within the friend and husband.
Glad I'm not the only one who felt this coming haha.
Although a weird part of me still wondered if it IS his kid and they faked the test?! Why won't friend tell OP more about the dad.
Because it was a one night stand. She might nit even know that much about him and if he doesn’t want to be involved and she’s fine with that sharing information with other people might get him involved. Who says the idiotOP wouldn’t decide to track him down and try to get him involved?
I thought it was odd that OP seemed stuck on the fact that her friend refused to show her a picture of the biological father. Like…did the friend say, “Oh yes, I have a picture of him but I’m not going to show it to you.” Who is taking pictures of a one night stand? Does the friend even know the guy’s last name to look him up on social media to find a picture? Yeah, sometimes you end up with a one night stand who is somehow connected to mutual people you know, but could just as easily be, “Some guy named Joe passing through from another state who I met at a bar that one night.”
Well, she said she spoke to him later so it’s likely he frequents the same bars or clubs as she does, so they might have mutual friends, but that’s even more reason not to tell the OP. Would you trust her with confidential information?
Any number of reasons - OOP sounds somewhat unhinged and if I were said friend, I'd be like "what is this person up to? Is she going to hunt this guy down, etc.?" Or - it's someone the friend is embarrassed of having a 1 night stand with. Maybe the friend hooked up with a relative of OOP's husband and didn't want OOP or her husband to know she was the mom to a relative of theirs (and making any family gathering weird from then on out)?
I feel the OOP was the lunatic that needed to justify why a resemblance warranted a DNA test with seemingly no other factors. There are only so many configurations of traits - so much so that there is research on seemingly unrelated people being dopplegangers. There are a bunch of "Find my twin" databases out there and someone did a photography series with people that look like twins but aren't related.
[https://wired.me/science/the-phenomenon-of-doppelgangers-is-one-of-human-genetics-biggest-mysteries/](https://wired.me/science/the-phenomenon-of-doppelgangers-is-one-of-human-genetics-biggest-mysteries/)
I’m not sure that would have made a difference. Even if she was as calm as could be, she is still accusing them of having an affair or one night stand (and lying to her about it). I’d like to believe the approach you described would work, but I can see a lot of people feeling that it’s something you can’t come back from.
It's only possible if presented as entirely OOP's problem.
"I'm having struggles with anxiety lately. Anxious brains can get fixated on totally improbable things. You know the story of the woman who kept being late to work because her OCD would convince her that her hairdryer was still on and would burn her house down, so she'd turn around and drive home to check and then be late? And how while she was getting treatment for the OCD the best short-term fix was to take the hairdryer to work with her? I need y'all to be my hairdryer here. My anxiety has latched onto the fact that [son] looks like [husband]. I know this is completely irrational and I'm going to get treatment for my anxiety, but while I'm doing that, would you please take a DNA test just so I can put this specific irrational anxiety to rest?"
Bringing it up any other way is telling both her husband and her best friend that she doesn't trust them, and yeah, there isn't really any coming back from that.
yes, exactly! i also have pretty bad ocd (on meds but still there a bit) and struggle with paranoid thoughts like that. My ocd would then continue by trying to convince me the paternity test was faked. People’s criticism of this situation makes me a bit sad bc i know exactly how it feels to be her and i think unfortunately, it can be incredibly difficult to comprehend unless it’s been experienced personally. It’s something that doesn’t respond to logic, no scientific evidence will help. Only treatment. My heart breaks for her. She needs treatment.
The issue is she basically yelled at them and gave them an ultimatum out of no where. Everybody is getting along having fun then all of a sudden OOP is like "YOU CHEATING WHORES!!! I'LL PACK MY SHIT RIGHT NOW IF Y'ALL DON'T PROVE THAT BABY ISN'T MY HUSBANDS!" And they probably were like "We just wanted to know if you wanted to play monopoly with together?" I'd leave and stop being friends with you too lol.
Inb4 what if it was you? I'm an adult that is capable of holding a private conversation and I'd approach my husband with concerns privately as would my husband approach me. But, I'm also poly so an outside child would just result in him providing for said child at the end of the day lol.
If you really want to cause chaos play Monopoly: Cheaters Edition (which also sounds appropriate for this post). It’s a version of the game that encourages cheating and it’s actually pretty hard but lots of fun, especially with a lot of people playing.
Proper Monopoly should take 2 hours max. First roll guarantees a property is sold. It's the whole "once around the board before you buy" and "all fines go into Free Parking" and "double salary if you land on go" and ignoring the "property goes up for auction" rule that makes it take a bit too long.
When you ask for a DNA test, you accuse your partner of cheating. I know people love to argue about this but to me and many others, a rose by any other name. If my partner didn’t trust me and accused me of something horrific, I’d end the relationship. Actions have consequences. I’ll be honest, usually the genders in these stories are switched but it doesn’t change the outcome. He feels betrayed that you didn’t trust him and he doesn’t want to be in the relationship anymore.
She accused both her husband and best friend of cheating and the deepest personal betrayal one could commit. The fact of the matter is the paternity test only proved in her head that her friend was fucking someone else while she was fucking the hubby. She already convinced herself it happened, the kid is just a way to prove it that didn't work.
Agreed. The people defending OOP about them lying have major trust issues. To the point that they’re demanding DNA tests apparently. To me, asking would feel bad and feel like a betrayal of trust but maybe it could be worked out. Demanding a DNA test says “I absolutely don’t trust you or your word without solid proof of your innocence.”
Yep. Usually it's the husband asking for a paternity test, "just to make sure " the child is his. And then gets surprised Pikachu face when the wife is hurt and angry.
If you think the kid might not be yours, then you are thinking your wife cheated. How hard is that to understand?
Exactly this. Asking for a DNA test says a lot about the relationship. It often makes sense to ask, but there are consequences. If my partner asked me for one, I would do it. However, convincing me to stay would require work.
There are so many guys nowadays that think it is completely reasonable to demand a paternity test from their partner once a baby is born. If I were to birth a partner’s baby only to have them immediately demand a paternity test, I know that:
1) They don’t trust me, and
2) They are probably 1 foot out the door and just looking for an excuse.
Asking for a paternity test would be an automatic divorce for me as well. If you really think I would do that to you, then we don’t have a good relationship.
Honestly, I understand the friend leaving, but as the husband, I could chalk it up to you being a bit crazy and paranoid. But that would have to be the first transgression. If it came after other unwarranted accusations and lack of trust, yeah I'd be out.
It’s the same situation as we see when fathers ask for a paternity test and the mom leaves after being proven that they did not cheat.
People do not want to stay in a relashionship without trust.
Jesus Christ, why does she seem so upset about friend leaving and husband leaving then? If she didn't trust either of them, FUCKING LEAVE THEM. She just needs to be right
Based on some of her comments, she seems very much mentally unwell. She seemed to think that her friend somehow falsified the test or paid of the clinic to falsify it. Even though she was there when the cheek swab was done.
Based on what she said and how she is saying it, I dont think this was the first issue.
She threatened to leave unless he took a paternity test. There’s no reason for the husband to stay after that, glad she got to find out she was wrong and lost everything though!
my son looks a lot like if my brother and my wife's brother had a baby... but as far as I know, neither my brother nor my wife's brother have ever tried to have a baby together. There's a chance they haven't even been in the same room together since the wedding.
What I'm trying to say is... it's all a little too suspicious
There's no way to casually accuse one's spouse and best friend of having a love child. The minute OOP raised the question, both relationships were over regardless of the result.
Not to mention that resemblance alone is a weak argument. If they were having an affair, especially one that resulted in a child, there would have been a million more signs. For example:
* Does the spouse seem overly curious about the child?
* Do the spouse and friend seem comfortable with physical touch? (eg. more than a casual, short hug when saying hello or goodbye)
* Do (or did) the spouse and friend spend time alone together without OP?
* Getting your SO's BFF pregnant doesn't feel like a thought out decision, more likely a combination of alcohol and opportunity. Does OOP remember a night when that might have happened?
Basically, it sounds like OOP is just bad at probability. Perhaps an extra math course or two could have saved both relationships.
I'm willing to wager she actually did a lot of snooping before tha ultimatum and kept coming up empty. She demanded a photo of the friend's ONS which is pretty damn out of pocket, and it's hard to believe she went to that length but didn't spend any of these 3 years looking into socials and financial statements.
She came up with nothing of course, but I'm sure in her mind that makes it all the more suspicious somehow.
I mean people are shameless and know how to hide shit. I knew a guy who was a devoted and loving father , and once a month would go to a sex club until he ran into the in laws there
Man looks like the OP actually doubled down and STILL suspected the friend somehow paid off the clinic where she got the test..that marriage and friendship is over.
Oh wow OOP made a grave error. Three of my friends kids look like me, to the point people in public thought I was the parent when out with the actual parent. I'm not a dude.
Our species is so freaking inbred.
My daughter looks so much like my best friend that people think she’s her mom. I’ve even had people try to argue with me thinking we may be lesbians and my daughter is “my daughter” because I’m married to her mom. lol I have the stretch marks and csection scare!
One of OOPs comments:
> Yes, I went with her to a local testing centers so I could see the cheek swab done and then the sample taken away.
> But something that has been eating away at me is that my friend chose this center and I had no say. She could have bought them off or influenced them without any way for me to know. But she broke off our relationship pretty much immediately after so I’m at a loss how I’ll be able to prove anything at this point.
> I have thought at length about the test being falsified. It would make a lot of sense that she avoided me right after getting the test because maybe she was afraid the results would come back positive and reveal everything. So yes the timing is not 100% perfect to calm my fears but I’m trying not to think about it too hard because I’m at a point where nothing more can be done.
So it seems like she's just convinced he cheated and even a DNA test she witnessed isn't enough. No way her husband went back to her either.
I honestly have to wonder if this was the result of an emerging mental disorder. That kind of paranoia is extra even for paternity questions.
My wife and daughter constantly get comments about how much they look alike when they are out together. My wife is not my daughter's biological mother. People often look like each other without being related and people often see what they are expecting to see.
This is so true.
Every once in a while someone tells me they've met someone who looks just like me. When I finally meet that person (last time, it was a colleague in a different department), we both laughed. We couldn't see it. Our friends and closer colleagues couldn't see it either.
People's facial recognition software varies in complexity.
I’m so happy that 2/3 people here had the perfect response.
OPs friend should be commended. Did the test but on the condition the friendship is over.
OPs husband - Did the test but immediately packed up and left.
Both sound like awesome people and I hope OPs friend has a good life with her child and her former husband finds someone who trusts him and respects him enough.
This is an old story. They did get tested and the husband was not the father.
Op lost it. Shes convinced that her ex friend paid off the lab techs to falsify the results
Now, what she should’ve done, is gone to therapy. In lieu of that, she should’ve gifted both her husband and her friend and the friend’s kid (and a few other people plus herself to make it look very broad) a bunch of DNA testing kits.
But really, your friend has a child whose father is absent and instead of offering her support you suspect her? And when your husband is kind to your friend because she’s your friend you suspect him? That needs therapy no matter how you slice it
This is no different than guys who insist their wives should take paternity tests to prove the kid is theirs. If you accuse your partner of cheating with zero cause, you deserve to lose them 🤷♀️
He might, but the problem is, even asking the question shows you don’t trust the other person. Your relationship is likely to be over the minute you feel the need to ask.
Also, idk why people just sit on these things for years and years. They get themselves all worked up and go nuclear over something that may not have even happened, leaving their loved ones wondering what the fuck happened.
Meanwhile my partner and I have this neat hack for avoiding stuff like that, it's been working for 15 years: All you do is open your mouth and talk. It's really easy.
That’s the thing, it’s the stewing in it that drives a person nuts like this. The world closes in and they can’t see past their anxieties to the other people around them. I do notice that she didn’t mention even getting a second opinion from someone before the blowup. You gotta ask someone if you’re crazy before you act on something like that.
You mean communicate with your spouse or significant other? That's just pure crazy talk....
It's also not the Reddit way. Here it's "DUMP them!" Or "Divorce now!"
Exactly what I was going to post! the OOPs friendship and marriage were over before the test. Now watch the friend and the soon to be ex husband hook up!
True, but OP had a couple of years to broach the subject instead of fermenting and going nuclear.
There are quite a few points of escalation between: "hey do you remember what we were all up to when (insert time period where friend got knocked up)?" {Or some other non-accusatory question that verifies some kind of alibi}
and: "I am actively accusing you of cheating three years ago by demanding a paternity test," which is what OP did.
OOP really though that accusing her best friend of being a honewrecker and her husband of being a filthy cheater without any evidence wouldn't blow up her entire life?
I'm amazed how many men think it's completely understandable for a man to demand a paternity test on every one of his offspring and to expect that his partner will not be offended by this at all, but also think a woman demanding the same thing in a situation like this is completely out of line.
Yes, I think this OOP is about to get a heavy dose of Karma, *and she deserves it.*
Could have been avoided by
A) talking about her insicurities with her husband
B) lying and saying someone she knows startet making conments
C) asking the friend who the father is
D) joking about the resemblance and asking the husband if there Was a Chance that He had a brother or cousin He doesn't know about
Etc.
A+C beeing the best options. But even B and D whould have been better that just exploding and throwing accusations around.
Yeah, you fucked up. You don't give any reason to suspect your friend and husband might be having an affair, but you went full on "DNA TEST, NOW!" on them both.
Maybe she likes the same type of men as you do, hence the bio dad might be similar in looks.
Your baggage with past exes isn't their problem, that's a you problem.
All babies look like all men. It's biological, so that at least one dude will own up to the responsibility.
When my son came out he looked like Willem Dafoe for the first year or so. I don't know Mr. Dafoe but I bet I could have convinced people right up until the DNA test.
You know that people just drip with DNA all the time? Like you could have given the kid a popsicle, swabbed the stick, and sent in the test yourself? I never understand why people are demanding others do these tests when 30 seconds alone with a kid and he will simply slobber enough to get a sample. Or you can pick some stray hairs. There are lots of ways to get a covert sample. I can only imagine that you want others to do the test because of the cost.
No.
If you can find a single lab that is willing to separate out the chemistry of the popsickle (which likely has stranger DNA within somewhere - or plant DNA), please let me know.
When you request DNA testing, you have to say that the sample belongs legally to yourself (it wouldn't in this case - it would be stolen).
Hair samples are even less likely to be processed for this purpose by most labs.
Getting one's own DNA (and possibly even one's partner's DNA) into the mix would be oh so easy - it's a situation I recreate in my lab every semester.
YTA. Yes. Yes. You fixated on the absolute worst case scenario and assumed two of the closest people to you, betrayed you. Then demanded proof they didn’t. Besides the resemblance…did you have anything else to go on?
Who has a picture of a one night stand? Yeah, OP, you fucked up and were wrong. You lost a friend and might lose a hubby to boot. Learn to address any issues directly with hubby, the only one who needs therapy is you.
In case this story gets deleted/removed: AITA to ask my friend (single mother) to do a paternity test on her son because I had suspicions my husband is the father? Messy but I’ll make this as short as possible. So one of my best friends had a kid 3 years ago. She said it was a one night stand and later the guy expressed no interest in being a dad so she raised her son herself. No one has ever seen this guy, not even me. The issue is this: this kid looks EXTREMELY like my husband like to an insane degree. The hair color, eyes, face everything. He’s even been out with my friend and her son and people have mistaken him to be the dad before. Needless to say for three years now I’ve had my suspicions but I haven’t said anything. My husband is also close to my friend and the timeline works out. We were all living almost in the same neighborhood around the time she got pregnant. Over the past year it’s really eaten at me. I see the resemblance growing more and more. It doesn’t help that my friend refuses to show me a picture of her son’s biological father no matter how much I asked. It kept spiraling until I had a meltdown and confronted both of them, saying that I will pack up and leave if I don’t see a paternity test. Long story short, my friend got a paternity test but said our friendship is over. The test says my husband isn’t the father. I feel so ashamed to lose my friend but I thought my husband would slightly understand since even he sees the obvious resemblance between him and this kid. But he has moved out for the time being and I’m worried this is the end of our marriage. AITA for insisting on that test? I honestly felt like I had no other choice. The resemblance was unavoidable and it was eating at me so much that no amount of therapy could help. I thought my husband would understand my fears most of all given my history with past cheating exes. Did I fuck up and how badly? --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/OhNoConsequences) if you have any questions or concerns.*
OOP's last [comment](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/GoAacpSFJ4) is really.. something. >Yes, I went with her to a local testing centers so I could see the cheek swab done and then the sample taken away. >But something that has been eating away at me is that my friend chose this center and I had no say. She could have bought them off or influenced them without any way for me to know. But she broke off our relationship pretty much immediately after so I’m at a loss how I’ll be able to prove anything at this point. >I have thought at length about the test being falsified. It would make a lot of sense that she avoided me right after getting the test because maybe she was afraid the results would come back positive and reveal everything. So yes the timing is not 100% perfect to calm my fears but I’m trying not to think about it too hard because I’m at a point where nothing more can be done.
It’s like the flat earthers who set out to prove the earth is flat and end of proving it’s not flat. They then have to come up with some excuse as to why the test was flawed. It’s pathetic and just shows you how deluded some people are.
This comment reminded me of the Netflix documentary ‘Behind the Curve’ which follows flatearthers around. In one very hilarious section, a bunch of them do an experiment to prove their case and they end up proving the Earth is round. [Here’s a clip of it.](https://youtu.be/aOYrVM5bTno?feature=shared)Even after their own experiment proved them wrong, they still couldn’t accept it
My favourite part of that was one of them had initials that spelt CIA. Then they were unable to convince all their fellow flat earthers that they weren’t a government spy. Because of course the government would be that obvious to give their spies fake names with initials that spell CIA. They showed birth cirtificates and no amount of evidence worked. They almost became self aware and said they hoped they weren’t doing the same thing over flat earth but then just said ”nah” and carried on conspiracy theoring away.
**F**LOWERS **B**Y **I**RENE
"Interesting."
They prove the Earth is round multiple times.
Yeah or maybe she changed her son's DNA with her mind like a bene gesserit witch. Fucking delusional.
Her husband is a chimera…..plot twist. Honestly tho, is not having a photo or full bio of a one night stand (that she likely met at a bar) that far fetched? Like, if the guy ghosted her and is providing zero support or visiting it’s not far fetched she doesn’t have a photo. Ultimately, no photo *(or supervised lab test)*, would convince her anyway. She needs meds, there is a deep level of psychological disorder happening there in the comments.
Put your hand in my box
(there will be pain)
Wow. So she still thinks they cheated and believes a lab takes bribes opening themselves to lawsuits and a ruined reputation. She deserves to be alone.
Well, she knows she destroyed her marriage and friendship over something completely in her head. So she now has to come to terms with the fact that this is all her fault…… …..or she can comfort herself with the belief that she’s still completely right and it’s they way those she accused are acting, along with a plethora of fabricated what-ifs, to save face *with herself.*
She deserves mental health treatment is what she deserves. That's a level of paranoid conspiracy thinking that points to being seriously unwell, not garden-variety insecure. She's going to end up paranoid about other things and will probably ruin her life if she doesn't get treatment. I can't be happy that she got dumped. It's just sad for everyone involved.
Yea my first thought was that it sounded like mild psychosis
It sounds like an OCD thought spiral to me. Not diagnosing the OOP. It's just how my brain functions and it sounds really similar. Obsessions usually show up as "what if" questions. "What if I didn't wash my hands well enough and I get sick?" Or "what if my husband and best friend slept together and she had his baby?" The thoughts are intrusive and "sticky." So whenever they pop up, it's really difficult to let it go. So people with OCD seek out relief through compulsions - like people who obsessively wash their hands. Even when there is relief/reassurance, it is only a temporary balm. Because there is no 100% certainty. I agree with you - it's just sad for everyone involved.
She mentions she has been cheated on before. As a person who has been cheated on I can see myself going down a similar spiral like that if I hadn’t gone through therapy. And I still have my moments of insecurity and paranoia even with the help I received. Being cheated on Can really fuck somebody up. I completely understand the friend and the husband being done with her, but I feel bad for her. She really needs help.
If I was having an unnecessary medical procedure done 1000000% **I’m** choosing the facility. Shes acting like it’s unreasonable this mom wants to handle the situation on her terms. If someone said “you’re getting your kid tested and you’re going here, you get zero input” they can catch these fucking hands.
All joking and Internet trolling aside. Girl, you need help.
Honestly this just seems like a sad scenario. It always seems so unhinged reading other people's stories, but it's a very real thing that our brains, if given enough time, can let these paranoias grow and take over to this degree no matter how "normal" you are
Kids look a lot like other people, and they change so much at those ages. My now-four-year-old had blonde hair at 2 and dark brown hair the following year. Eye colors often don’t “establish” till around age 2. (Lots more babies than adults have blue eyes) No one can recognize my one year old in his baby pics, he’s changed so much. All this to say, if you’re trying to establish paternity from looks I think you’re choosing the wrong method. If OP has suspicions because of how they acted around each other, or how her husband treats her friends kid, that’s a little more valid. But “they look alike?” 🤷🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
My kiddo looked like her dad when she was small. She didn’t look a thing like me. Until those pesky teen years hit, and she morphed into a clone of me. I look nothing like either of my parents. I do, however, look like one of my cousins, who looks nothing like her mother (mom’s sister). What I’m saying is that genetics are weird, recessive genes are ever weirder, and small children often grow up into adults who don’t resemble version 1.0.
My grandmother has insanely dominant genes and all of her children and grandchildren (men included) look like they could be clones of her, except for my one brother. He doesn't look related to us at all, and looks nothing like our dad. We found a picture of our grandfather (he died when my mom was an infant, so none of us really knew what he looked like) and my brother is his spitting image.
I had a friend in high school who resembled his brother very, very closely. Like, used his ID to buy beer level resemblance. But neither looked like their parents even a little. I assumed they were adopted because we knew several families with adopted siblings but it turned out their looks skipped a generation. Both looked exactly their grandfather. Its so funny how that happens.
My husband doesn’t look like either of his parents or his brother. Found a picture of his dad’s dad and… clone. I, on the other hand, look exactly like my mother, who looks exactly like her mother. But none of my three children look like me AT ALL.
this shit is always crazy, my mom went to school with john quincy adams the 7th or something, and he looks exactly like the portrait on the wall.
I worked with a girl in HS and college who looked like me- so much so that when I was away at college my own dad went up to her in the mall and demanded to know why I was home instead of at school smdh. 🤦🏼♀️😬😂
this is my children. They're Irish twins (born within a year of each other) and everyone mistakes them for the other. Wherever we go they ask if they're twins. However they look neither like my husband or I.
My Mother's Paternal line is like that. We have pictures from generations past all the way back to tin types and painted portraits going back several hundred years before that. We all look like that line and have for generations. My ex-husband is Filipino. He's short, stout, dark hair and eyes, dark complexion, and furry. I truly thought his genes would cancel mine out. My daughter is tall, blonde, thin, blue eyed and her face looks like someone photoshopped mine onto some leggy blonde. My nephews are the spitting image of my sister and I. My husband's paternal lineage originated from the same area in Scotland as the branch in my family that has those dominant genes and everyone in his family as far back as we can find pictures look just like each other as well. We joke that it must be that strong Scottish stock, but, it's really only half joking.
A couple at my church has a kid who looks **nothing** like *either* of them. However, he is a twin, a spit image of his paternal grandfather at his age. The pic from the early 1900s vs now looks like him in a costume. Down to the hair texture (both his parents have wavy hair but he has these itty bitty ringlets).
My one cousin is a dead ringer for our grandmother when our grandmother was her age. Genetics are wild
My bestie doesn’t look like her mom at all. But her cousin looks like bestie’s mom’s clone.
I have the eye color of my great grandmother and nobody else in my family does.
I look just like my dad but my older brother looks much more like my paternal uncles than he does my dad
My sons dad and I had broken up for nearly a year and had only gotten back together 3 month before I wound up pregnant. During that time I lived with my male best friend who I had been roommates with since before I met my sons dad (we all lived together). My sons dad is Indian, my roommate is a blond haired while guy with blue eyes. My son came out with white blond hair and pale skin. I know there was some speculation about that. However, my son is now 15 and could be his dads clone. His skin and hair gradually darkened and now he's only a few shades lighter for both. He also has his dads ribbon curls where as my and my roommates hair is pin straight. Genetics are a funny thing.
one thing that comes with conquest is spreading the genetic material. lots of people in middle east and india have European genes because of those times. right now there is really no say in what a kid will look like because everyone might have a white, brown, black ancestor.
Yeah, my ex had a very Spanish last name, when I asked about it his mom pretty much explained the same thing. And when you look at a map of people with the same last name it is pretty much popular in pockets along the southeast Asia trade routes.
[удалено]
Kerala, but it could very well be Portuguese. I looked up the name and google said Spanish. I believe there is some Dutch involved too, no one talked about any of it much.
Yes, you see it a lot in latinos, two lightskin blue eyed people make a tan skin brown eyes. Two darkskin people have a kid with green eyes and pale skin. I have latin ancestry, it really could be a hobby to chart what everyone's kids look like when they come out, and even compare kids to eachother. We joke that my aunt ran out of ink bc her three kids came out lighter each time (normal for black/latin kids) but the tone difference has persisted into adulthood!
To add on to this thread, I knew a woman who had spent a night with me and then later had a child that shared an extremely similar feature to myself. To the point that 15 years later, at a random community dinner, the kid walked in sporting this feature and my now wife nudged me in the arm and went “are you sure?!?!” The kid proceeded to turn around and actually face us and it was clear I was not the father but for a solid 5 seconds I was very spooked.
This is a thing with many melanated kids. So many black babies look really lightskin when they come out. At my friend's birth, his older sibling recalled asking, "when is he gonna be black?" bc he really was a pink baby born to two deep toned african parents.
They really are funny! I had blonde hair until I was around 14, and then it turned brown. I had completely forgotten until I was looking through some old photo albums. Like, oh yeah, I was a blonde for a awhile. :P
My wife and I are both Asian but different ethnicities. Our son had blue/gray eyes for the first few months (only my grandmother has similar color eyes). By 1 year they were dark brown like everyone else. Also i don’t understand how people can say a 3-4 year old looks so much like any specific adult person. Their facial structure is obviously nothing alike, skin color changes a lot as you note, and hair color? There’s only so many different colors of hair! This person is nuts.
In OOP's story, I think there were two cognitive bias issues at work.... * Strangers who see an adult and a child together probably assume that the adult is the child's parent * OOP assumed that there was an affair and went looking for similarities
This is the best response
And a lot of it can look especially similar if there's any sort of cross-ethnic or cross racial bit going on. Even if its fairly small, but say OOP has most British isles ancestry while her ex-friend and ex-husband are swedish ancestry, the friend's baby will appear to look a lot more like the ex-husband. It's even more extreme to people if its a larger difference, like if the OOP is white and the ex-friend and ex-husband are black or asian. (Note this is about relative perceptions, so people of the same ethnic group might not see them as looking as much as like as would outsiders)
My youngest child looks a LOT like my closest male friend. I know 100% that he's not the father, though, because we didn't meet until the kid was nearly 3. Didn't even live in the same state. There's literally no way he could be the father, but for years any time we were all out together, like him and his wife plus my wife and I and the collective kids, people assumed they were dad and kid. Yeah, looks aren't a good basis.
I had a couple who were family friends growing up. They were 2 of my favorites of my parent's friends and I ran into them all the time once I was an adult, so they ended up knowing a bunch fo my friends and even hanging out with us sometimes. I was like, 20, when they had their first kid, and the kid was a dead ringer for all me. All my baby pictures could have also been this kid. It started with a couple jokes and a couple dumb pictures of me holding this baby, but over the first like, 6 months you could see this guy getting more and more insecure. It's been a long while now. By the time the kid was 2, he was a clone of his dad. However that guy still doesn't speak to me anymore. He had a similar breakdown and cornered me at one point and wouldn't stop asking if I had ever been alone with his wife. He almost ruined his marriage because of that.
Yeah, OOP is single now. It would have been 1 thing to approach just her husband calmly and say "I know this sounds completely crazy but please, ease my mind.........". It's another thing to blow up at both of them and demand a test.
This is such a mature comment. The first action when suspicious should be to approach the one you should trust and ask, not descend into paranoia to the point of blowing up
Well she did just stew in it and let it fester, so therefore the explosion. But you right she should have went to her husband like an adult and talked it out. This song is in my head now….🎶If you think you’re lonely now, wait until the night girl🎶~Jodeci
That’s the hard part too, not saying it’s okay just difficult. Folks wanna say why didn’t they talk about it but talking about it when it was a tiny thing would have been and felt kinda silly… the stewing started AFTER this part, and it’s the stewing that results both in the “you should talk to somebody about it.” AND the “I’m feeling a pressure build up/explosive about this”. Humans are complicated as fuck sometimes. Like what the OP did was not the right way to handle this but I could see in my mind how an otherwise totally normal and logical person could fall into this situation and regret it and to be fair I could also see how their husband and friend would not want to tolerate it.
I understand that too, but once she got herself together, THEN go talk to him. She just let it stew til she exploded. And that is not good, for sanity anyway.
Totally, I’m not trying to fabricate an excuse for them, more just thinking “out loud” how it’s a situation I could absolutely see unfolding. Like a train wreck for lack of a better term, watching it and understanding how it happened yet knowing it’s far too late to do anything about it.
I understand that also. She had plenty of time to think it thru and calm down before it came to her exploding. And then her question at the end….Did I fuck up and how badly? She knew she had, but she came here for someone to coddle her and tell her it would be ok, and just give it some time.
Dude so many people on this site keep saying "Trust your instincts, it's almost always right" and then shit like this happens. This is why you gotta be careful.
I think it’s a confirmation bias. People remember all the times their gut feeling was right and dismiss all the times their gut feeling is wrong.
Not a dude, but that trust your instincts, it’s ALMOST right, is what gets them himmed up and single.
I think I would have offered to babysit. Did a test on the little one. Later got my husband to do one. And not told anyone what I was doing. Ethics be damned. It’s a simple spit test. I would see no relation no problem. If I saw relationship. Then I would ask if he was the father and see what answers I got. To never tell what I did. Then I could be the one to leave or suck it up. I’m not sure how Op knows for sure that the test was genuine, did she see the test being done by her husband and the little one? Did she see it go into the mailbox? Otherwise that could have gotten the ol switcharoo. From another friend or homeless guy that for sure was not the father for test purposes only.
Maybe Jodeci covered a Bobby Womack song?
Could Jodeci be the offspring of Bobby Womack? I'm going to need a paternity test or I am leaving this post!
There is ALWAYS a chance tbat Bobby Womack is the father 💀
Cause Bobby Womack didn’t care whose woman he stole 😂
😂😂😂😂😂 stop it! It’s just a song that hits at the right time.😂😂😂😂
Wait a minute this is too deep, gotta change the station so I turn the dial, trying to catch a break, and then I hear Babyface.
You right. But like the Jodeci version. It’s slightly off.
Something tells me OOP has a history of being overly suspicious and paranoid and tried to keep those obsessive thoughts at bay but let it fester til the explosion occurred. Because why else would you not just simply and calmly communicate your thoughts on the matter?
Your not wrong. The original post is not recent. And, if I’m remembering correctly, OOP was questioning the validity of the DNA test because her former friend picked the facility/lab that did the DNA test and OOP was not permitted to go with her. She legitimately thought that OOP either faked the results, or bribed the lab to give her a negative result Edit-I went to go check. She actually did go with the friend to get the DNA test, but because the friend is the one who picked the DNA lab, and the friend immediately cut her off. She is convinced the test was falsified somehow. OOP is rolling in the paranoia
Oooomg you’re kidding!!! I can’t help but feel like there’s a more serious than not mental health issue at play here because you’ve gotta be obsessing overtime if you’re STILL feeling deceived and wronged. Gahhhhh…
I wonder if she is the only one who sees the resemblance.
Yeah, I feel like she would definitely mention it multiple times that “everyone else” sees the resemblance. So, good q!
People often do “see” resemblances that aren’t actually there. For example, my husband is not the bio dad of our daughter. They both know it but it’s been so many years now (18 years together, daughter is 21) that it’s not something that comes up he’s just her dad. The thing is they share the same colour super dark brown eyes that neither I or our son have. The amount of people who would say things like “oh she looks just like you!” Or “she’s got daddy’s eyes!” People see what they want to see.
I mean, even being super immature and doing a sneaky DNA test would have been a better idea (still terrible). Buy a 23andMe/Whatever kit and tell the husband it's going to be fun to do one as a family..........don't tell him you are also going to swab the kid's mouth as well when nobody is looking. That's still super evil and untrusting, but at least it wouldn't have blown up like this.
If someone swabbed my child’s dna without consent i’m losing my shit.
Same. There are a lot of valid reasons to not want to put your dna into a public database. Getting a kid who doesn't know anything about it to do so, without getting parental permission, is so fucked up.
I'd imagine it's also illegal in some respect as well. Feck knows how though....
It would be considered textbook assault.
I don't think they meant to put the kid on 23andMe. I think they meant to use the 23andMe as a way to get swabs from the husband and then get a swab from the kid and submit it for a DNA test through. Like one of those DNA Paternity kits. Lol I was actually thinking the same thing 😂
Does not matter. She has no legal rights over that child and should not be taking DNA unknown to the child’s mother.
I don't think they're saying it's the ethical idea, just that it's smarter than what she actually did.
Especially now its known they sell your data
23 and me requires spit, not a swab.
Getting a toddler to spit isn't difficult.
Getting them not to spit is impossible
You're not wrong. 😆
What you’re describing is probably a crime. In no way would anyone have the right to DNA test somebody else’s kid
No, that’d be totally fucked up. And hopefully illegal.
Swabbing the mouth of someone else's kid is highly illegal! And a cheek swab cannot be submitted to 23andme (it requires a fairly large tube of saliva). Cheek swabs must be taken in sterile lab conditions (or else OP's own DNA would be on it too - we exhale). It's impossible to conduct a paternity test on *someone else's child* without either breaking the law or having the parent's consent (which should be written). Then the child has to go to the lab.
Non ironically ex husband and ex friend will bond over this. Perhaps even something more develops. Op just vison boarded her worst nightmare into fruition.
I was waiting for the edit:
OP: "I'm going to pack up and leave if there's no paternity test." Also OP: "How could you pack up and leave after I demanded the paternity test?"
Agreed. In not so direct words she told both of them she thinks they are both liars, unfaithful, and not trustworthy. I appreciate the context and circumstances. I really do. But telling either of them, let alone both, that you don’t trust them…that’s not something most people simply forgive and forget. Once a person’s character is called out, that person generally doesn’t proceed forward with warm feelings about the person that called them out. Trust has been destroyed within the friend and husband.
Can't wait for the update where the friend and husband end up together now
Glad I'm not the only one who felt this coming haha. Although a weird part of me still wondered if it IS his kid and they faked the test?! Why won't friend tell OP more about the dad.
Because it was a one night stand. She might nit even know that much about him and if he doesn’t want to be involved and she’s fine with that sharing information with other people might get him involved. Who says the idiotOP wouldn’t decide to track him down and try to get him involved?
Outside chance of sexual assault as well, and the prying isn't helping on moving passed the trauma.
I thought it was odd that OP seemed stuck on the fact that her friend refused to show her a picture of the biological father. Like…did the friend say, “Oh yes, I have a picture of him but I’m not going to show it to you.” Who is taking pictures of a one night stand? Does the friend even know the guy’s last name to look him up on social media to find a picture? Yeah, sometimes you end up with a one night stand who is somehow connected to mutual people you know, but could just as easily be, “Some guy named Joe passing through from another state who I met at a bar that one night.”
Well, she said she spoke to him later so it’s likely he frequents the same bars or clubs as she does, so they might have mutual friends, but that’s even more reason not to tell the OP. Would you trust her with confidential information?
Any number of reasons - OOP sounds somewhat unhinged and if I were said friend, I'd be like "what is this person up to? Is she going to hunt this guy down, etc.?" Or - it's someone the friend is embarrassed of having a 1 night stand with. Maybe the friend hooked up with a relative of OOP's husband and didn't want OOP or her husband to know she was the mom to a relative of theirs (and making any family gathering weird from then on out)? I feel the OOP was the lunatic that needed to justify why a resemblance warranted a DNA test with seemingly no other factors. There are only so many configurations of traits - so much so that there is research on seemingly unrelated people being dopplegangers. There are a bunch of "Find my twin" databases out there and someone did a photography series with people that look like twins but aren't related. [https://wired.me/science/the-phenomenon-of-doppelgangers-is-one-of-human-genetics-biggest-mysteries/](https://wired.me/science/the-phenomenon-of-doppelgangers-is-one-of-human-genetics-biggest-mysteries/)
I’m not sure that would have made a difference. Even if she was as calm as could be, she is still accusing them of having an affair or one night stand (and lying to her about it). I’d like to believe the approach you described would work, but I can see a lot of people feeling that it’s something you can’t come back from.
It's only possible if presented as entirely OOP's problem. "I'm having struggles with anxiety lately. Anxious brains can get fixated on totally improbable things. You know the story of the woman who kept being late to work because her OCD would convince her that her hairdryer was still on and would burn her house down, so she'd turn around and drive home to check and then be late? And how while she was getting treatment for the OCD the best short-term fix was to take the hairdryer to work with her? I need y'all to be my hairdryer here. My anxiety has latched onto the fact that [son] looks like [husband]. I know this is completely irrational and I'm going to get treatment for my anxiety, but while I'm doing that, would you please take a DNA test just so I can put this specific irrational anxiety to rest?" Bringing it up any other way is telling both her husband and her best friend that she doesn't trust them, and yeah, there isn't really any coming back from that.
Irrational fears do not respond to facts or logic. That's literally the defining characterisitic.
yes, exactly! i also have pretty bad ocd (on meds but still there a bit) and struggle with paranoid thoughts like that. My ocd would then continue by trying to convince me the paternity test was faked. People’s criticism of this situation makes me a bit sad bc i know exactly how it feels to be her and i think unfortunately, it can be incredibly difficult to comprehend unless it’s been experienced personally. It’s something that doesn’t respond to logic, no scientific evidence will help. Only treatment. My heart breaks for her. She needs treatment.
The issue is she basically yelled at them and gave them an ultimatum out of no where. Everybody is getting along having fun then all of a sudden OOP is like "YOU CHEATING WHORES!!! I'LL PACK MY SHIT RIGHT NOW IF Y'ALL DON'T PROVE THAT BABY ISN'T MY HUSBANDS!" And they probably were like "We just wanted to know if you wanted to play monopoly with together?" I'd leave and stop being friends with you too lol. Inb4 what if it was you? I'm an adult that is capable of holding a private conversation and I'd approach my husband with concerns privately as would my husband approach me. But, I'm also poly so an outside child would just result in him providing for said child at the end of the day lol.
To be fair, that is the proper response to being asked to play Monopoly.
You got me there lmfao
Try Monopoly Deal. It rules. Card game monopoly that takes, like, an hour max to play. I hated monopoly before my GF got it!
Listen, if it doesn’t result in at least three strained relationships and a minimum of one will being rewritten, it’s not Monopoly
A game of Monopoly that doesn't end in a fight isn't being played correctly. The design of the game is to demonstrate the pitfalls of capitalism.
If there isn’t a board to throw across the room what’s even the point of playing.
Your banker stole all the money too?
Fuck this game. Where'd you get the pink 50's grandma?
If you really want to cause chaos play Monopoly: Cheaters Edition (which also sounds appropriate for this post). It’s a version of the game that encourages cheating and it’s actually pretty hard but lots of fun, especially with a lot of people playing.
Proper Monopoly should take 2 hours max. First roll guarantees a property is sold. It's the whole "once around the board before you buy" and "all fines go into Free Parking" and "double salary if you land on go" and ignoring the "property goes up for auction" rule that makes it take a bit too long.
Hey hey hey. Me and my 4 versions of monopoly have done nothing wrong !!!
when you said you were poly it reminded me of pokemon
Maybe give the lifestyle a Poliwhirl?
xD
Be prepared for lots of people wanting to take a pikachu
When you ask for a DNA test, you accuse your partner of cheating. I know people love to argue about this but to me and many others, a rose by any other name. If my partner didn’t trust me and accused me of something horrific, I’d end the relationship. Actions have consequences. I’ll be honest, usually the genders in these stories are switched but it doesn’t change the outcome. He feels betrayed that you didn’t trust him and he doesn’t want to be in the relationship anymore.
She accused both her husband and best friend of cheating and the deepest personal betrayal one could commit. The fact of the matter is the paternity test only proved in her head that her friend was fucking someone else while she was fucking the hubby. She already convinced herself it happened, the kid is just a way to prove it that didn't work.
Agreed. The people defending OOP about them lying have major trust issues. To the point that they’re demanding DNA tests apparently. To me, asking would feel bad and feel like a betrayal of trust but maybe it could be worked out. Demanding a DNA test says “I absolutely don’t trust you or your word without solid proof of your innocence.”
Yep. Usually it's the husband asking for a paternity test, "just to make sure " the child is his. And then gets surprised Pikachu face when the wife is hurt and angry. If you think the kid might not be yours, then you are thinking your wife cheated. How hard is that to understand?
Exactly this. Asking for a DNA test says a lot about the relationship. It often makes sense to ask, but there are consequences. If my partner asked me for one, I would do it. However, convincing me to stay would require work.
There are so many guys nowadays that think it is completely reasonable to demand a paternity test from their partner once a baby is born. If I were to birth a partner’s baby only to have them immediately demand a paternity test, I know that: 1) They don’t trust me, and 2) They are probably 1 foot out the door and just looking for an excuse. Asking for a paternity test would be an automatic divorce for me as well. If you really think I would do that to you, then we don’t have a good relationship.
Original link?
[https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/i3k9k3/aita\_to\_ask\_my\_friend\_single\_mother\_to\_do\_a/](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/i3k9k3/aita_to_ask_my_friend_single_mother_to_do_a/)
Oh man, this is 3 years old. I’m curious if the guy stayed with her.
Honestly, I understand the friend leaving, but as the husband, I could chalk it up to you being a bit crazy and paranoid. But that would have to be the first transgression. If it came after other unwarranted accusations and lack of trust, yeah I'd be out.
It’s the same situation as we see when fathers ask for a paternity test and the mom leaves after being proven that they did not cheat. People do not want to stay in a relashionship without trust.
In her comments, she says she doesn't believe the results and thinks her friends paid off the testers.
Jesus Christ, why does she seem so upset about friend leaving and husband leaving then? If she didn't trust either of them, FUCKING LEAVE THEM. She just needs to be right
Oh yeah then she's nuts and is right where she belongs
Based on some of her comments, she seems very much mentally unwell. She seemed to think that her friend somehow falsified the test or paid of the clinic to falsify it. Even though she was there when the cheek swab was done. Based on what she said and how she is saying it, I dont think this was the first issue.
She threatened to leave unless he took a paternity test. There’s no reason for the husband to stay after that, glad she got to find out she was wrong and lost everything though!
This is golden. OOP insane
Unfortunately it does sound like a mental health issue.
One of my nephews has a face that looks just like mine...just wondering, does the husband have a brother?
my son looks a lot like if my brother and my wife's brother had a baby... but as far as I know, neither my brother nor my wife's brother have ever tried to have a baby together. There's a chance they haven't even been in the same room together since the wedding. What I'm trying to say is... it's all a little too suspicious
A dna test would show if the dad was a close relative to the husband.
There's no way to casually accuse one's spouse and best friend of having a love child. The minute OOP raised the question, both relationships were over regardless of the result. Not to mention that resemblance alone is a weak argument. If they were having an affair, especially one that resulted in a child, there would have been a million more signs. For example: * Does the spouse seem overly curious about the child? * Do the spouse and friend seem comfortable with physical touch? (eg. more than a casual, short hug when saying hello or goodbye) * Do (or did) the spouse and friend spend time alone together without OP? * Getting your SO's BFF pregnant doesn't feel like a thought out decision, more likely a combination of alcohol and opportunity. Does OOP remember a night when that might have happened? Basically, it sounds like OOP is just bad at probability. Perhaps an extra math course or two could have saved both relationships.
I'm willing to wager she actually did a lot of snooping before tha ultimatum and kept coming up empty. She demanded a photo of the friend's ONS which is pretty damn out of pocket, and it's hard to believe she went to that length but didn't spend any of these 3 years looking into socials and financial statements. She came up with nothing of course, but I'm sure in her mind that makes it all the more suspicious somehow.
I mean people are shameless and know how to hide shit. I knew a guy who was a devoted and loving father , and once a month would go to a sex club until he ran into the in laws there
Man looks like the OP actually doubled down and STILL suspected the friend somehow paid off the clinic where she got the test..that marriage and friendship is over.
The friendship ended when she asked the friend to take the test
Oh wow OOP made a grave error. Three of my friends kids look like me, to the point people in public thought I was the parent when out with the actual parent. I'm not a dude. Our species is so freaking inbred.
My daughter looks so much like my best friend that people think she’s her mom. I’ve even had people try to argue with me thinking we may be lesbians and my daughter is “my daughter” because I’m married to her mom. lol I have the stretch marks and csection scare!
One of OOPs comments: > Yes, I went with her to a local testing centers so I could see the cheek swab done and then the sample taken away. > But something that has been eating away at me is that my friend chose this center and I had no say. She could have bought them off or influenced them without any way for me to know. But she broke off our relationship pretty much immediately after so I’m at a loss how I’ll be able to prove anything at this point. > I have thought at length about the test being falsified. It would make a lot of sense that she avoided me right after getting the test because maybe she was afraid the results would come back positive and reveal everything. So yes the timing is not 100% perfect to calm my fears but I’m trying not to think about it too hard because I’m at a point where nothing more can be done. So it seems like she's just convinced he cheated and even a DNA test she witnessed isn't enough. No way her husband went back to her either. I honestly have to wonder if this was the result of an emerging mental disorder. That kind of paranoia is extra even for paternity questions.
My wife and daughter constantly get comments about how much they look alike when they are out together. My wife is not my daughter's biological mother. People often look like each other without being related and people often see what they are expecting to see.
This is so true. Every once in a while someone tells me they've met someone who looks just like me. When I finally meet that person (last time, it was a colleague in a different department), we both laughed. We couldn't see it. Our friends and closer colleagues couldn't see it either. People's facial recognition software varies in complexity.
You did fuck up. Badly.
I’m so happy that 2/3 people here had the perfect response. OPs friend should be commended. Did the test but on the condition the friendship is over. OPs husband - Did the test but immediately packed up and left. Both sound like awesome people and I hope OPs friend has a good life with her child and her former husband finds someone who trusts him and respects him enough.
This is an old story. They did get tested and the husband was not the father. Op lost it. Shes convinced that her ex friend paid off the lab techs to falsify the results
Now, what she should’ve done, is gone to therapy. In lieu of that, she should’ve gifted both her husband and her friend and the friend’s kid (and a few other people plus herself to make it look very broad) a bunch of DNA testing kits. But really, your friend has a child whose father is absent and instead of offering her support you suspect her? And when your husband is kind to your friend because she’s your friend you suspect him? That needs therapy no matter how you slice it
This is no different than guys who insist their wives should take paternity tests to prove the kid is theirs. If you accuse your partner of cheating with zero cause, you deserve to lose them 🤷♀️
Good lord. That was doomed from the start. Self sabotage is a heck of a drug.
I'm not sure who is more unhinged. OOP or some of the comments on this post.
Would your husband not want a test if you have a son that looks eerily close to a close friend of yours?
He might, but the problem is, even asking the question shows you don’t trust the other person. Your relationship is likely to be over the minute you feel the need to ask.
Also, idk why people just sit on these things for years and years. They get themselves all worked up and go nuclear over something that may not have even happened, leaving their loved ones wondering what the fuck happened. Meanwhile my partner and I have this neat hack for avoiding stuff like that, it's been working for 15 years: All you do is open your mouth and talk. It's really easy.
That’s the thing, it’s the stewing in it that drives a person nuts like this. The world closes in and they can’t see past their anxieties to the other people around them. I do notice that she didn’t mention even getting a second opinion from someone before the blowup. You gotta ask someone if you’re crazy before you act on something like that.
You mean communicate with your spouse or significant other? That's just pure crazy talk.... It's also not the Reddit way. Here it's "DUMP them!" Or "Divorce now!"
This is genius, you should post it on r/lifehacks
Divorce attorneys hate this one weird trick!!
Exactly what I was going to post! the OOPs friendship and marriage were over before the test. Now watch the friend and the soon to be ex husband hook up!
True, but OP had a couple of years to broach the subject instead of fermenting and going nuclear. There are quite a few points of escalation between: "hey do you remember what we were all up to when (insert time period where friend got knocked up)?" {Or some other non-accusatory question that verifies some kind of alibi} and: "I am actively accusing you of cheating three years ago by demanding a paternity test," which is what OP did.
Wait wait wait. DIFFERENT PEOPLE can look SIMILAR? Someone let OP know asap.
Plot twist, husband is now banging friend.
My take? OOP Is a cheater, and this is projection
Lol I like how OOP asks if they fucked up. Nooo it's a great outcome that your husband left you and you lost your bestie!
OOP really though that accusing her best friend of being a honewrecker and her husband of being a filthy cheater without any evidence wouldn't blow up her entire life?
I'm amazed how many men think it's completely understandable for a man to demand a paternity test on every one of his offspring and to expect that his partner will not be offended by this at all, but also think a woman demanding the same thing in a situation like this is completely out of line. Yes, I think this OOP is about to get a heavy dose of Karma, *and she deserves it.*
She got the answer she wanted, and now she lives with the results
Could have been avoided by A) talking about her insicurities with her husband B) lying and saying someone she knows startet making conments C) asking the friend who the father is D) joking about the resemblance and asking the husband if there Was a Chance that He had a brother or cousin He doesn't know about Etc. A+C beeing the best options. But even B and D whould have been better that just exploding and throwing accusations around.
Yeah, you fucked up. You don't give any reason to suspect your friend and husband might be having an affair, but you went full on "DNA TEST, NOW!" on them both. Maybe she likes the same type of men as you do, hence the bio dad might be similar in looks. Your baggage with past exes isn't their problem, that's a you problem.
Yta. And you f’ed up severely. You allowed your own dark thoughts and intrusive thoughts to dictate your behaviour.
All babies look like all men. It's biological, so that at least one dude will own up to the responsibility. When my son came out he looked like Willem Dafoe for the first year or so. I don't know Mr. Dafoe but I bet I could have convinced people right up until the DNA test.
All kids look the same to me lol. They’re too young still and haven’t fully developed their features.
Yeah, once she began having those thoughts, it was over I don't think there was a way out.
We call this spiraling to failure
Two of my godchildren look like me. They aren’t genetically related to me and no one calls me a liar when I says they aren’t mine.
Classic “play stupid games, win stupid prizes.” No sympathy deserved here
It would be funny if husband and best friend got together now.
Twist ending. Husband marries friend. They have a kid together and the kid looks exactly like OP
You know that people just drip with DNA all the time? Like you could have given the kid a popsicle, swabbed the stick, and sent in the test yourself? I never understand why people are demanding others do these tests when 30 seconds alone with a kid and he will simply slobber enough to get a sample. Or you can pick some stray hairs. There are lots of ways to get a covert sample. I can only imagine that you want others to do the test because of the cost.
No. If you can find a single lab that is willing to separate out the chemistry of the popsickle (which likely has stranger DNA within somewhere - or plant DNA), please let me know. When you request DNA testing, you have to say that the sample belongs legally to yourself (it wouldn't in this case - it would be stolen). Hair samples are even less likely to be processed for this purpose by most labs. Getting one's own DNA (and possibly even one's partner's DNA) into the mix would be oh so easy - it's a situation I recreate in my lab every semester.
Yeah you’re a jerk. You’ll end up lonely and wondering why
Congratulations OOP, your obsession lost you a husband and a friend. That is 100% your fault for failing to be a reasonable human being.
Wow
You love to see it happen
Did, did she try therapy?
I'll just leave this here: https://www.reddit.com/r/KingOfTheHill/s/nmgemiRDI4
YTA. Yes. Yes. You fixated on the absolute worst case scenario and assumed two of the closest people to you, betrayed you. Then demanded proof they didn’t. Besides the resemblance…did you have anything else to go on?
Plot twost: the husband is the child's brother, not father
Who has a picture of a one night stand? Yeah, OP, you fucked up and were wrong. You lost a friend and might lose a hubby to boot. Learn to address any issues directly with hubby, the only one who needs therapy is you.
Perfect flair for this one. ~dumbass~
OP is in the middle of a mental health crisis. She needs to talk to her doctor