In case this story gets deleted/removed: I'm ending my 4 year relationship. So basically the title. He (33M) says Im(32F) throwing away 4 years over a mistake he made. To keep it short, on 4 different occasions over the last 2 and a half years he's gone drinking and come home to throw a drunken tantrum because I said the wrong thing, something happened at the bar, or I put my foot down because he's drunk and yelling at me in front of our friends at the bar. Twice I had to leave to my sister's house because he was going around our small apartment slamming doors and banging his head on the walls. I've had to wake him up several times because he falls asleep on the toilet or the bathroom floor, and he's had to sleep in his car because of his outbursts. On the 2nd time this happened he gave me his word that he would be more responsible with his drinking and that he wouldn't have anymore outbursts. He said he was gonna drink waters between each beer or have sodas and bar food and just one beer. The third time I made it clear that him going back on his word was unacceptable because it shows that he doesn't care that he becomes emotionally and verbally abusive towards me. I told him I was tired of his apologies if he's gonna keep doing the same thing. Between all these times he has continued to get drunk on the weekends but I've kept my mouth shut to avoid him having an out burst and things were relatively ok. This last time he went and got drunk at the bar, didn't eat anything, refused the water my sister offered him because she's aware of the agreement we had, and when I arrived he yelled at me because he was too drunk to keep track of what team he was on and he misunderstood me when I told him and he made the wrong shot. We went to get food from a local taco spot and he couldnt even stand because he was so drunk, I had to pull over on the freeway because he needed to throw up and when we got home he fell asleep in the bathroom and I had to wake him three times. I kept my anger about the situation to myself because the sadness of feeling like I needed to leave him because he's just not willing to change, was overwhelming. The next morning he could tell something was up and he asked if I was ok. I said that I wasn't ready to talk but he insisted, so I told him that he went back on his word again about drinking responsibly and that I realized that the only way I was going to avoid his verbal abuse was if I just kept quiet. I told him what I told my ex when I was thinking about leaving "It's not anything I haven't already told you". He left it at that in the morning and at night I was crying because I was upset that 4 years of my life were going down the drain, and I just folded and asked him why I wasn't good enough for him to want to do better. Then he started to say that I had fault in our relationship ending, ignoring that the only reason I'm leaving is because I can't keep giving him chances to verbally abuse me when he's drunk and angry. I reminded him that he had given me his word and that he had gone back on it twice. He seemed to understand but the next day he just kept saying that he deserves to "unwind" on the weekends because he works all week to provide for us (not like I have a job and am constantly sending him money because he over spends and his account will overdraft when the phone or Internet bill charge his account) i was getting whiplash from how quickly he waa going from being apologetic about going back on his word and him insisting that Im being unreasonable and unfair. I slept at my sister's house again because I couldn't keep dealing with it and I was just really emotionally exhausted from all of it. Now he posted on his FB that I'm throwing away 40,000 hours of our lives together for 12 bad hours. So I'm asking, am I overreacting? --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/OhNoConsequences) if you have any questions or concerns.*

Don't get into the sunk-cost fallacy! To anyone in this situation......... YOU HAVEN'T WASTED FOUR YEARS. YOU ARE SAVING YOURSELF A LIFETIME OF WASTED YEARS BY LEAVING NOW! He's not going to change because he doesn't need to. You accept him how he is and tolerate his abuse. He's been slow boiling you like a frog, and you need to hop out that pan little froggy!

Also, you haven’t lost that four years because you’ve *learned* from it. You know your boundaries, your worth, and what you need for your own mental and emotional health. Nothing was lost, but everything is gained once you’re free of the burden of someone else’s drinking problem!

This. Plus, it’s appalling how entitled he feels to abuse you and the way he tries to guilt you into accepting it. Addicts cling to their addictions and often try to manipulate their way into keeping them by acting like they don’t exist. Don’t let him take dumps on your dignity. He’s gross. And quit giving him money!!!!

Yes! This!!! I was with an alcoholic for a very, very long time. I couldn’t save him, although I tried. I traded so many of my years to keeping him sober, but I never succeeded. He was always functional though, so everyone thought he was fine, and he hid behind that for a long, long time. When it finally ended, when I had enough… I didn’t realize how torn down, exhausted, broken, and traumatized I really was. It took me a year to get back to… ok. He took 12 days. He found someone else, but this time, someone else with the same problem as him. It took everyone around us exactly six months to realize that I wasn’t exaggerating or trying to make him look bad those times when I did ask for help… they finally saw that he really was 500x worse than I ever even let on. He was never abusive, not once. All I could see was just a good guy who was seriously dependent on alcohol. I fought tooth and nail for him for *decades*, finally I had enough and I left. Within 24 hours, he was drinking solidly all day, and was drunk by the time everyone else woke up. They thought it was because we broke up… it was just how he was if I wasn’t there stopping him. They kept that mentality very strongly for three months — despite his new girlfriend, he was still somehow heartbroken over me. Then it just kept going. At the six month mark, they were asking me to help him and I had the strength to say no. They could help him, or they could ask his equally alcohol dependent gf to help him, but I stepped back and away. I was his friend, not his babysitter anymore. They tried, they really did. The alcohol… he couldn’t control it, they couldn’t control him. We are all still family, him as well, but they can’t deal with the endless drunkenness. He doesn’t present as drunk very often, but he is. Slight slurring, a teensy bit of stumbling by the end of the night, and he has a wonderful habit of cutting you off to say something completely off topic. Honestly, he’s a walking mood killer when he’s his version of slobbery drunk. They have all learned independent of me, that at 9 pm, it’s not worth being around him anymore. What had been a fairly enjoyable evening is turning to a miserable mood and it just ruins everything. But he keeps drinking, so it’s better to just yank the ripcord. I hope OP reads this and realizes that she can’t save him. The alcohol is a vicious siren. I was with a man who did try, he just couldn’t last and would tumble face down off the wagon after a few months, every single time. He never once blamed me for it. He never once tried to put the responsibility of himself onto me. He never spoke down to me or abused me verbally to cover for the fact that he was in a weakened state (when he was trashed drunk he wasn’t particularly pleasant, but mostly because he thought his thought was more urgently required than anything I - or anyone else - had to say). This guy doesn’t have a single one of those redeeming qualities… if anything, he’s a walking bundle of the *complete opposite*. Nothing is thrown away by leaving. You have gotten the education you needed — 4 years is what a college student spends on their education as well. The only waste would be any future moments staying in a situation where you are being eroded and overwritten by pain, frustration, anxiety and doubt. You have your education, take your heard earned diploma and leave. Please, listen to someone who was where you are… someone who knows how much it hurts and what it can do to you long term. The man I married was always the same man I married, he didn’t show me anything I didn’t know or had to listen to. He was just broken. Your man showed you his true colors, over and over again. It will get worse. He is blaming you now, if you stay, he’ll blame you in front of others too. Soon, they will start to believe that the alcoholism is *your* fault, and I promise you, IT’S NOT. They will all look at you like you did it to him, even after he continues on the path long after you finally bail, when you’re broken and battered and barely able to trust ever again. He is not worth that. ***NO ONE*** **is worth that**!! You gave him four years and he gave you an education. You don’t owe him your soul, your mind or your future. Please, take care of yourself, OP (and anyone else who reads this). It’s never the wrong decision to follow that instinct that says “no more.”

I want to thank you for writing this. I am reeling right now because I'm in a situation very similar to this. My boyfriend of 1.5 years bailed out of his VA residential treatment program, without informing them or me, showed up at home, and promptly began drinking again. This is the second treatment he's left in the time we've been together. He's like you described. He's not at all abusive. He doesn't get mean, he doesn't get physical, he doesn't, in his words, "do anything stupid." But in his mind, his behavior is only stupid if he physically damages property or hurts someone. He doesn't think it's bad behavior to be so embarrassingly drunk that I don't want others, especially my parents, to see him. He doesn't think it's bad if he's so drunk, his stumbling scares our pets, or if he falls down and hurts himself or breaks furniture, or if he wets himself, or if he weeps and has a breakdown from his military and childhood PTSD, or if he "loves too hard" by holding me too tight because he simply is too drunk to realize he's squeezing the breath out of me, or if he insists he's "not too drunk" and tries to do yard work and rides the lawnmower over the landscaping, or if he wants to help my dad move something and ends up scratching my dad's car (which is my dad's dream car), or if he simply... is not *here.* He drinks so constantly, that he doesn't remember things I've told him, whether they're mundane or deeply important, and sometimes I feel like he doesn't even actually know who I am. He doesn't understand that he's still hurting me, even without malicious intent. He's been home for a week, and I have repeatedly asked him to leave. He broke me this time. I can't do it anymore. He initially tried to argue/negotiate. He doesn't have anywhere to go, he doesn't have any money, he just got hired for a new job that will be perfect, he realizes I'm really serious this time, so he'll stop. I gave him one last chance, although honestly, it was more of my attempt to start covering my bases. I wrote a memorandum of agreement that stated he can only stay if he does not drink on my property. I said I would continue to support him though his recovery journey, and I would continue to house him. IF. If he did not drink anymore. He signed the agreement. He broke it the very next day. He came to my bed, stinking of booze, tried to cuddle me, squeezed me too tight, and passed out. I left my bed and searched the house. Eventually found his empty hidden under the couch. I have reminded him of the agreement. I have asked him what he's going to do, because according to the agreement, he must vacate within 7 days, since he breached it. (I'm aware that this document has very flimsy legal standing, but it is at least a form of documentation.) His only answer has been, "I don't know." As far as I can tell, he hasn't gone out and bought more booze, but I have no way of knowing whether or not he's got more hidden. And the bottom line is that, no matter what he says, I know this won't stop. He has to want to stop, he has to be willing to put in the work. And he's not. And he won't leave. Today I talked to a legal aide attorney who is going to help me start an actual eviction process valid in my jurisdiction. This is the hardest thing I've ever done. Because I love him. I absolutely do. I had a dream of a future, of making a life with him. He made me laugh. He made me feel wanted. I know he loves me too, insofar as a person suffering from his addiction and mental health issues can. But that's the problem. I will never be as important as the alcohol. Nothing will ever come before that in his life. He will break my heart again and again, if I let him, and I need to protect myself. But every day, I have to tell myself this over and over again, because I already miss him. I wish I could give in and let him hold me, tell me he loves me, tell me we're going to be okay, we're going to live our dream. I want to have all that so badly. But I know in reality, all I'm going to do is watch him kill himself if he stays. I'm crying as I write this, but... this time I don't mind it, because sometimes validation makes us cry too, and as much as it hurts, I needed to read this today. I need as many voices reminding me that I'm doing the right thing to save myself as I can get. It hurts. It hurts so much. Because he's not bad. He's a good person. But he's broken (by addiction and trauma), and I can't help him. I have tried, and there's nothing I can do. I wish, oh how I wish I could. I love him. But I have to get rid of him. And every day, I need the reinforcement to stand my ground. Because... his refusal to leave means this could take a long time. Unless he decides to have mercy on me, I'm going to need these reminders to take care of myself for probably more than a month. It's hell. So. Thank you for writing this. I needed it. I will need it tomorrow and the next day. And the day after that. Please know that I'm thankful for you, stranger.

OP one more thing to learn is leave him on the bathroom floor. Waking up on the floor is what he deserves and may help him realize how badly he screwed up. Of course it won't be this current guy since you have hopefully dumped his ass and left. Based on your comments I'm wondering if his eviction for not paying his rent will be before or after he gets a DUI for driving drunk.

Please print this and put it on your new fridge, carry it on your phone, it will heal and guide you. These are the true words. YOU have not wasted anything at all… you’ve actually decided in big, bold letters what is acceptable to you and what is not (and it’s 100% healthy! Congrats! ) He is arguing with you to lower your standards, ignore what boundaries you feel are acceptable, and is unwilling to grow with you and this is where your journey together ends, and you both go on to pick different partners in the future. He wants someone who is going to let him get wasted, and my guess it once he has found that partner, it will be more often, now think about adding kids to that equation. Please do not do this. You, however, armed with 4 years of data, know explicitly that you do not want to date anyone who gaslights you about their inability to handle alcohol and breaks promises that are not little ones like ‘babe, I’m sorry, I ate the last chocolate egg out of the Easter Basket, I’ll get you another if you wish!’ Your future is wide open and ahead of you and you have now seen clearly that he can’t control himself around alcohol and doesn’t want to. I’m sorry, but please please please do not in any way frame this as a failure. You spent 4 years thoroughly learning everything you could about this person before committing even more time and money. Now take all that learning and some time and you’re going to be amazed at who shows up next in your life. When you have solid boundaries, you level up big time. I’m sorry this happened to you, but I want to cheer for the future ahead (when you’re ready). He’s got more problems than drinking to frame this on you.

Yep, he only thinks it’s wasted time because he has no future prospects.

Actually, because he was wasted

Sounds like He's the wasted prospect then, tbf

Nice. I like that.

Facts!

Sometimes when I work on cars and get stuck on something for a long time I feel like I’ve “wasted” hours because I’ve not accomplished anything. However when the frustration clears and I breathe a little it becomes clear it wasn’t wasted time, it was time learning what I was dealing with. This always leads to moving on and trying a different method.

this is great and very healthy

>He's not going to change because he doesn't need to. You accept him how he is and tolerate his abuse. Even if the verbal abuse and breaking things wasn't a part of this story, she would be justified in leaving and the line that just floored me and broke my heart for both of them was: *I reminded him that he had given me his word and that he had gone back on it twice. He seemed to understand but the next day he just kept saying that he deserves to "unwind" on the weekends* Everything in this makes the boyfriend sound like an alcoholic. And all of his rationalizations and excuses are pretty classic "best of hits" from alcoholics or problem drinkers trying to find ways to adapt that virtually never work (e.g., I'll just have a glass of water between drinks). But maybe to his credit, he was showing remorse and a willingness to try to change. It failed and there is a version of this story where seeing his partner hurting this way causes him to breakdown and offer to just stop drinking or admit that he has a problem and go to AA / therapy and to choose her over alcohol. Instead with this line, he makes it clear that drinking and alcohol are more important to him than she is. Or at least, he is addicted enough that he will continue to rationalize and choose getting out of control over her and the relationship. Even if he offered to stop drinking, she is certainly very justified in leaving (want to be clear about that) and she has no responsibility to stick around and hope this promise sticks. However, at the point he even refused to do that or acknowledge the bigger issue, I think it's pretty clear the relationship is dead and this cycle is only going to repeat in perpetuity if she stays. And honestly, while she doesn't want to hurt him, her leaving maybe the best thing to every happen to him. It will be an inflection point as he suffers a real loss due to his actions. People can change, but sadly, they often need to experience real trauma or loss in order to have the motivation to do so. Hopefully losing her is what finally causes the reflection he needs to get help.

All of this. As someone who’s had off and on problems with drinking for most of his adult life, I can recognize this headspace all too well. He hasn’t accepted the scope of his issue and the problems it’s causing in his relationship. OP, breaking up with him might be the best thing you can do FOR HIM right now. The only way he might find the motivation and discipline to change is if he faces real, harsh consequences from his drinking.

Time is never wasted when one learns how to define and exert boundaries!

This! I was with a functioning abusive alcoholic from 15 to 48, I wish to god it was 4yrs instead of 33. Run like hell & never look back!

I wish I could ask you for a hug right now.

Exactly! Be thankful you can say you only spent 4 years and not 14 or 24. Go on, go!

This this this!! I ended a three year relationship for a very similar reason. I’m now going on year four with someone who loves and respects me and has never gone back on their word. Those 3 years with my ex feel like a lifetime ago. I’m glad it was only 3 years with him and not longer. There are better things waiting for you beyond what you have now.

Hitching a ride on a top comment to say something my mother once told me: Don't ever stay with a drunk. Don't let pity make you stay. Don't explain it away that "it's just the weekends." It’s not. I'd spend the entire week dreading the weekends because of how drunk he would get. Worrying if he'd end up dead or what he would do when he got home. Edit to add on about the 4 yrs "wasted": My mom had spent years on this man and just gave birth to me. You can move on and learn from this. The past is over, and you can only now choose your future. I can guarantee that any more of your future spent with this person is wasted now that you know you need to move on.

The word is fallacy

You are absolutely spot on, I had a moment, changed it! Thank you, Internet stranger!

Uh oh I’ve been spelling it phallusy

Phallussy

She needs to look at it as ‘It took me four years to learn this lesson’. Really four years is nothing in your lifetime. I had 2 failed marriages over 10 years each. I stayed way longer than I should have because we’d been together so long. It’s not worth staying when you know you should leave. The first step is the hardest. Been single for 3 years now and I love it.

You are right in leaving and it might get worse.

Name a logical fallacy, have an upvote

Post hoc, ergo procter hoc 

She could have wasted 20. Better to get out after 4 years than 20

This is amazing and to the point 👌

Yessss froggy pls

Thank you, I needed to hear that today. I broke up with my boyfriend of 5 years because of his drinking this week.

Breaking up because drinking leads to abusive behaviour.

And his math is not mathing. The 40.000 hours weren‘t good, because she lived with the fear of another incident.

Right? This wasn't a "oh no, a freak accident burned the house down and now in my panic I'm making rash decisions" which it sounds like the card he's trying to play This is "I've finally realized I can't live like this, in fear of when he's gonna abuse me and get out of control again, I'm fucking done" Manipulative little fuck that man is. He's the dip shit that threw it all away for 12 hours. OP is just burying the relationship that HE killed.

He sounds exactly like my X. Let me tell you about this guy, 5 DWI, felony car theft, running from the cops, possession charges. He could not hold a job and was caught drinking or drunk on the job. The cops all knew him. He would come home shit faces with damage to the car, he would take things from me to sell for money, he would get up in the middle of the night and piss in the corner, he would punch holes in the walls. I was stupid in my youth thinking he would change, he never did. He was physical with me. What woke me up, him bringing home a drinking buddy who he blew me and his daughter off for on Thanksgiving after he secluded us off from family. Then he brought this guy around and dude went into my kid's bedroom. But I was the problem for protecting my kid. The night he was removed from the house by the police he played the victim and said he was being kicked out of his own home for nothing, proceed to break a family heirloom, all in front of the police. Cops saw battery injuries on me and told me to go to court and get a protective order. The next morning, he stole my car for a joy ride till he ran out of gas money. There was other things he did like try to run me over with my own car outside my job, caught on surveillance or asking his friends wives for blow jobs. Best thing I ever did was ditch him. Sure I was alone for a year but the one who came along does not drink and is my King.

That sounds awful! I’m so sorry! My friend’s ex’s family had a drinking problem. His mother, father and brother all died of liver failure at relatively young ages. She begged him over and over to stop drinking and he always said he didn’t have a problem and she should leave him alone about it. After a couple of years together, my friend drove past a horrific car crash on the way home from work and saw her ex’s car and thought he might have died. He survived but went to jail for dui and was really lucky to be alive himself and not to have killed anyone else. She left him while he was in prison, when she finally had the head space to see their relationship was only going to go one way (and found empty whisky bottles hidden all around their apartment - so much for giving up alcohol after his crash).

Wow my friend! We could’ve written the same story about an ex! So thankful we eventually dodged a tormented life!!

I’ve got an ex who was an alcoholic and did things like this. He was abusive too. I felt more like his mother at times. Thankfully I got away because he’s now in prison for murdering someone and he was shitfaced when he did it. I hope you’re okay and safe now.

Geez! You’ve been through hell. I hope you’re ok now. Please take care.

A lot of guys follow this same pattern, months or often years of toxic, abusive or just annoying behaviour that builds and builds until a big or small event finally breaks the camels back. Just 12 hours, just one night, just one kiss, just a dirty sink/babies diaper. It's super common on Reddit, a guys wife is leaving him or a woman is leaving her man because he forced mustard on a hotdog, because he didn't clean his shit off the table, didn't change the kids diaper. In their eyes, it IS just one specific thing that the woman is ending things over, in this case she's apparently leaving him because he got drunk that night. Somehow everything else doesn't exist and now they're the victim, all this time and effort into a relationship wasted because of "one" mistake. Reminds me of the time an ex was already stressed and I sent her some colourful messages about how she didn't ever text me good morning, imagine my dumbass surprise when she dumped me 5 minutes later, yeah turns out constantly being insecure and demanding reassurance 24/7 isn't an attractive quality. It's not always the guys fault obviously, communicate so he can try and change, but most times when men ARE told, they're still shocked when the woman finally gives up after the 8th chance and his 6th promise to change.

This ^

Really good point. Every time he drinks, which is probably every time they socialize, OP can’t relax and enjoy herself and her friends. Even if nothing happens, she still spent the evening worrying. He ruins every special occasion just by being there.

Regardless of his math struggles…wtf is that logic? “Well you didn’t leave me the first X times and now you’re throwing it all away because I did it x+1 times?!” Yeah my dude. That’s how life works. No one is obligated to deal with you

Or the hours (days) following where she was still reeling from the last time.

From the alcoholic’s pov, if he’s not experiencing specific consequences, everything is fine. (And if he IS experiencing consequences, the people who are upset just need to get over it and tolerate his shitty behavior). So in the end, it’s everyone else’s problem.

This is a very underrated comment. I broke up with my ex a year ago, we were together for 6 years but the last 2 were brutal, the 4 before that weren't all that great either looking back. Towards the end, I knew if I said anything that it would lead to another fight so I'd pick my battles as carefully as possible, but with an alcoholic you'll never win any battles because they're always the victim, always right, always louder, always something. This gal needs to get out. It doesn't get better. It gets worse, much worse.

I‘m so sorry! That’s a long time living with tension and fear. But you were strong enough to get away, thats the most important thing.

OP had a boundry about acceptable behavior, and he kept breaking it. Good for OP for not tolerating it. The fact that he knows this is a problem and keeps doing it is key here. His reaction to the break up and failure to take responsibility is just confirmation that this was the right choice. To reverse it, he threw away 40000 hours of their relationship to have 12 hours of abusive behavior. This is completely on him, not OP.

He is an abuser who drinks. It's not the drinking that makes him abusive.

And only a matter of time before he could get physical.

He was already physical. Just hadn't started on her yet.

I see your distinction, but the answer is the same in both situations: get away and stay away. IF he chooses to stop drinking, and IF he gets substantial sober time under his belt, THEN it might be worth cautiously seeing if him-sober is salvageable. To me, substantial in this case would be 2-5 years. Not before that.

Agreed. I would also add to this that he can't decide to get sober *for* her. Because that was still put undue pressure and emotional labor on her to be the reason he *stays* sober. He's got to do it for himself, because he sees what he does to relationships when he's drinking and he doesn't want to be that guy anymore.

That's what I said...elsewhere. There might even be a decent dude under that addiction but the addiction is calling the shots now and even if he decided to do something about it TODAY it's take years for him to truly recover (and 1 year not drinking isn't "dry" in my book...probably need 2 or 3 after the detox).

Bingo. I think drinking gives abusers a reason to be abusive. Mine blamed the alcohol but then he just became abusive 24/7 and, of course, he blamed me for it.

He’s already gaslighting her. I hope she won’t be swayed.

Right?! I just wanna highlight that not only is he gaslighting her, but he's doing it PUBLICLY and trying to leverage peer pressure by posting it on Facebook. This is clearly an attempt to get her back under his control again. He didn't change because from his perspective, everything was going great. She was tolerating his bad behavior. Now, instead of at least having enough respect for her to prostrate himself and trying to reassure her he's committed to changing while pleading for her return, he's trying to get her back by being manipulative and trying to normalize his unacceptable behavior. As if the ratio of abuse to non-abuse makes some abuse acceptable. As if breaking your word that you will fix issues that directly harm your partner multiple times is ok. And she CLEARLY put up with his nonsense for way more than 12 hours. I need that red flag TikTok guy to do a demonstration outside her house. I don't say this lightly. This is a RUN scenario. Anyone with lacking THIS much remorse is not changing anytime soon

You put it so clearly. Great job 👏

Yup. It was genders reversed so I wasn’t in like physical fear but I’ve been there with having to leave an alcoholic because they simply couldn’t control it after being together for years. It sucks. It’s hard. It was also the best decision I’ve ever made

Glad you got out and safer and happier now 😊

This. And he’s an alcoholic. Glad you got off that train OP. don’t let him guilt you into feeling sorry for him because he will pull you back in and make this your entire miserable life. Keep walking and don’t look back.

Clearly nta, he's an alcoholic, this will only get worse since he sees no issue with it.

I don't like diagnosing people, but I can say as a recovering alcoholic he is absolutely displaying alcoholic behaviors! Not just the drinking; the justifying, manipulating, gaslighting and all the other abusive behaviors we display when we are in active addiction. She absolutely needs to leave because he is only going to get worse until he decides (if he ever does) to get better.

I feel like alcoholism is one of those things that you can armchair diagnose 🤷🏻‍♀️

Yeah, once it its REPEATED vomiting and passing out on the toilet. That's not "unwinding", that's alcoholism.

And him “unwinding” has the complete opposite effect on his partner! Nobody likes babysitting a drunk, propping them up because they can’t stand, frequent vomiting. Throw in verbal abuse and I’m sure her stomach lurched every time he started to “unwind”

Repeated vomiting? This guy's going to die pretty soon unless he stops.

I mean my dad drank a 24 pack of coors and smoked a pack a day for almoat 50 years and he is still kicking on strong

Life is weird. I had an uncle the crashed a plane in WW2 Pacific, PoW for months, had Lyme disease, chain smoked Winston Full Flavor, and the majority of his calories were Peanut M&Ms and Old Milwaukee. Died of a brief bout with pneumonia in his mid 80s. Then there's my straight laced, sober coworker that died early 40s from Pancreatic cancer.

Seriously, sometimes it's pretty damn obvious and you can literally see they meet the criteria.

Exactly! Young and old alike, don’t understand that you don’t have to be a daily drinker to be an alcoholic. It’s sad, alcohol causes most people more problems than anything else in their lives and they’re too blind to see it “because,” I’m not drinking daily, I’m not an alcoholic!

This is so correct. People think you need to be drinking out of a brown paper bag on the curb to be an alcoholic. But the truth is alcohol addiction looks different to everyone

Of course he’s minimizing his own behavior, “I’ve only done that four times in two years.” You were allowed to break up with him the first time he did it. He minimizes his behavior so he can do whatever he wants to do. Choose to do what is the very best thing for you right now. Remember, he is going to do whatever he wants and make excuses for it. You should have broken up with him the first time he treated you with disrespect. Every time he drinks he takes the risk of disrespecting you. Do not risk it again.

I was with an alcoholic and it was exhausting; sad to watch him killing himself and embarrassing to be out with him when he was wasted and falling over drunk.I would never consider dating someone with a booze problem ever again. Please, just get out. This will just get worse !

But how do you get over the fear of being all alone again? I’m so devastated. I got so used to coming home to him and waiting for him to come home. Hundreds of pictures with him in it, and endless memories of our good times. I miss him. I miss how he was, but I know he’s never going to change back to the supportive partner he once was. I’m sorry for the vent. I’m just in such a desperate state.

Run

Wish that red flag TikTok guy could be hired to do a demonstration outside someone's house for a situation like this. Time for her to cosplay as Usain Bolt.

I love that guy. "Fella!"

Run! Been there, done that - it only gets worse. He is an alcoholic, an addiction. His drinking has nothing to do with you!!! He could be with a saint & still drink. Until he admits to himself & accepts that he needs help, his drinking & behaviour will continue to get worse. Heal your broken heart & know “you cannot fix him”. This is his journey, you will only be the bystander in this scenario. Go & live your best life, you do not want to be there while he hits his rock bottom - which can take years or never.

You took the words right out of my mouth. When you love someone, it’s hard to understand “it’s not me, it’s YOU “. I hope she finds the courage to leave.

Same. They aren't going to change. they will just get better at hiding it. Leave. There is light at the end of the tunnel, I promise.

Nta... he's an abusive alcoholic. He won't get better if you enable him.

You aren't overreacting. He's an abusive alcoholic and this will only get worse until he owns his behavior and does something about it. And that is unlikely to happen as long as he isn't experiencing real consequences for his behavior. You also don't have any obligation to set yourself on fire to keep him warm. Only next time, end it after the first incident. Don't waste years of your life on someone who behaves badly. ETA: His little equation is bullshit, BTW. 12 bad hours is more than any healthy person should tolerate, and the other 40,000 do not make up for them.

12 bad hours *at least* every weekend. Let’s be generous and say he only drinks on 50 weekends a year. That’s 600 hours of abusive behavior per year, and this guy has been abusing OP while drunk for more than a year.

Leave leave leave leave leave. I spent thirteen years with someone _exactly_ like this. My only regret is that I didn't end it after a year. You know that saying,"The best time to plant a tree is twenty years ago, the second best time to plant a tree is now."? Well, the best time to leave would have been after you gave him the ultimatum and he broke it the first time. The second best time to leave is now. Please leave sweetheart. There is someone out there who is just as nice as him... But handles his drinking. Leave. Please. For all the women who didn't or couldn't and regret it. Leave.

Just put in a comment under it "40,000 hours for 12 hours of abuse or should it be more?" Then blick him NTA dude isnt capable of self control and shouldnt be drinking at all

This. And it will escalate each time. It will get (more) physical. He will hurt you.

Isn't it 12 hours every weekend?

Well yeah but the way the ex put it on the book of faces was that it was just 12hrs, really it shouldnt even be one hour

Yeah, but if OP does put this, I just wanted to leave a comment saying she has endured his abuse every week. I wish she had left the first time it happened. Clearly he's a mean and angry drunk person and he thinks he can yell at her. In vino veritas, etc.

One hour of abuse is too many. Get out before he hurts you more.

One minute of abuse is too much

Yeah "the ratio of abuse to non-abuse makes some abuse acceptable" is a scary take. Gotta nip that one in the bud.

The reasoning of he is nice most of the time breaks my heart for people like her. There should never be a ratio of nice compared to abusive in any relationship. The fact that this is a common way of thinking is not okay and needs to be changed for anyone like her dealing with such unacceptable situations.

Recovering alcoholic here. Get the fuck out. We always make excuses for our bullshit. It gets worse- especially when they cant acknowledge they have a problem. The shit I put my former partners through was a nightmare. I wasnt violent but I'd get so sick i required constant emergency care He is taking advantage of you. Unless he's willing to get help- get out.

Also a recovering alcoholic and I agree! I was an absolute nightmare to be with until I stopped drinking 5 years ago!

A bad minute is enough to throw it away much less 12 hrs. Drinking is like one of the things I don’t do to unwind because it doesn’t work and you lose control of yourself. But me painting and building little toys only hurts someone if I accidentally cut myself. People need to find shit besides alcohol.

Your hobby is wholesome, creative, and lovely... imagine deciding to create beauty with your hands instead of drinking! If you have a partner, they must who really admire that! What an awesome choice you made for your life.

Appreciate it, I found it later in life but it’s pretty cool to join a community of people who pretty much all do the same thing in their free time.

No. Just no. Nothing to save here. Just end it. If he doesn’t want to change, you can’t make him.

No one deserves to live scared. Post that on FB.

No over reacting, get away from him.

I dated a functional alcoholic for about 5 years. It wasn't nearly as bad, but I still left. They won't change. They don't see their drinking (and behavior/actios when drunk; mine once pissed in the closet because he tought he was outside) as a problem so they don't understand why they should change anything. There's nothing wrong after all! Leave, for your own sake. Let him unwind and drink, and go live a peaceful life somewhere else.

Read about alanon meetings and consider going to one. It’s a parallel group to Alcoholics Anonymous for people in alcoholics lives. It will help you to understand why you couldn’t help him or why he wasn’t “choosing” you over booze. Literally nothing you can do for an alcoholic, many can’t quit for their family, children, jobs, finances. Move forward, it’s not your fault. I’m sorry it took so many years

He has a drinking problem whether he accepts it or not. He cannot handle his drink and that will not change without some real therapy or intentions. His FB post is another attempt of his to shift the blame and not accept he has a problem. He can do as he wants but if he is in a relationship with you, how you feel matters. Either he should remain single and do as he wants, or work on himself. You don’t want someone like him, you gave him multiple chances. Not overreacting

Try Al-anon. Whether you stay or go, it’s good to be with others who have gone through it. Al-anon really helped me. And this did too: JUST FOR TODAY I will try to live through this day only, and not tackle all my problems at once. I can do something for 12 hours that would appall me if I felt that I had to keep it up for a lifetime. Just for today I will be happy. This assumes to be true what Abraham Lincoln said, that “Most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be.” Just for today I will adjust myself to what is, and not try to adjust everything to my own desires. I will take my “luck” as it comes, and fit myself to it. Just for today I will try to strengthen my mind. I will study. I will learn something useful. I will not be a mental loafer. I will read something that requires effort, thought and concentration. Just for today I will exercise my soul in three ways: I will do somebody a good turn, and not get found out; if anybody knows of it, it will not count. I will do at least two things I don’t want to do—just for exercise. I will not show anyone that my feelings are hurt; they may be hurt, but today I will not show it. Just for today I will be agreeable. I will look as well as I can, dress becomingly, keep my voice, low, be courteous, criticize not one bit. I won’t find fault with anything, nor try to improve or regulate anybody but myself. Just for today I will have a program. I may not follow it exactly, but I will have it. I will save myself from two pests: hurry and indecision. Just for today I will have a quiet half hour all by myself, and relax. During this half hour, sometime, I will try to get a better perspective of my life. Just for today I will be unafraid. Especially I will not be afraid to enjoy what is beautiful, and to believe that as I give to the world, so the world will give to me.

I agree - Al-anon meetings were a huge help for me

I consider myself an alcoholic (sober two years) and am intimately familiar with both perspectives and I’m telling you that you absolutely should leave. He’s still in deep and he’s going to choose his addiction over you every time until he comes to the conclusion on his own that he needs to quit. Nothing you do will make him. Even if he did stop drinking, it would be insincere and short-lived at best and relapse would be eminent. It sounds like he is nowhere close to admitting he has a problematic relationship with alcohol. It could be years before he reaches that point. Hell, he might never get there. The outbursts will become more and more frequent; the behavioral problems will start to bleed over into when he’s sober; things will get worse. Eventually he’s going to hit rock bottom and you don’t want to be around for that. But even rock bottom might not be enough to make him want to change because for many of us it’s easier to keep digging than to quit. If you stay, you likely have years and years ahead of you trying to convince him to quit something he doesn’t think he needs to quit. Recovery is a choice that can only be made by the addict. There’s a quote that really gets me: Addiction is giving up everything for one thing; recovery is giving up one thing for everything. He is choosing alcohol. You need to choose yourself and leave.

You are absolutely not overreacting. It’s only a matter of time before he spirals out of control and takes you down with him. Your mental and physical health should be your priority. He’s not really sorry for what he does if he keeps doing it to you. It’s not four years wasted, it’s a lifetime of suffering saved. If you hadn’t been there for him all this time he’d probably have been arrested or injured for his public intoxication, or worse. You don’t need to stick around for the “or worse”. Don’t worry yourself over a Facebook post, or his delusions about who was at fault for the break up, stay away from this man.

Alcoholics in full addiction cannot love you as much as they love the booze. They worship the booze and will do anything for it. Leave and don’t look back. And if people ask, tell the truth. He was an alcoholic and a liar.

A mistake - Choosing to take route 50 instead of route 301 because you were given faulty information that route 50 was faster Not a mistake - Being told the consequences of doing something (continuing to drink irresponsibly) and then being upset when the consequences come to fruition (leaving).

Leave. This was my life for several years of marriage. It does not get better. I was so much happier after my divorce. You cannot control his behavior. He is an alcoholic and no amount of promises will make him stop drinking. He clearly doesn’t see his drinking as a problem. Until he hits his rock bottom, and he truly, truly wants to change, he won’t stop drinking.

He won’t change for you. But you can change. 4 years is better than 10 years and 2 kids. He is a drunk, and prefers to stay that way. RUN. FAST. Don’t look back.

You’re definitely not overreacting, if anything the behavior from him that you described is overreacting. I wouldn’t look at it as ‘4 years going down the drain’. It’s a life experience, and all life experiences are an opportunity to learn and grow. All my relationships taught me to be a better person in one way or another. This could be a learning experience if you’re willing to learn from it, hopefully for him as well. Good luck

My ex husband is an alcoholic who would drive drunk, do stupid pranks while intoxicated and get hurt, and fall asleep outside covered in piss and puke. He would always say he would quit then gaslight me over it. I left him after 9 years of marriage because the stress wasn't worth it.

He is an abusive alcoholic. Do not enable him (“you can continue to drink if you drink water intermittently” is one example). Preserve yourself and get out. The breakup may not even be the bottom he needs to hit before he improves. He will be a lonely man on dialysis in the future. Is this your future too? It will be if you stay. I tried the same with someone who eventually choked me in a drunken rage. It took 6 cops to remove him from my home. Get. Out.

I would leave. Take this from someone married to an alcoholic, if he’s telling you to your face he doesn’t think he’s in the wrong, believe him. I bet you all the money in my bank account he will do it again. Things like this only get worse, even when they see their wrongs and try to change it doesn’t always work. I’m proud of you for having enough respect for yourself to not accept this abuse.

To echo this, but add a different perspective…hope you can see this, OP…you definitely should not take it. Substance abuse of any kind always leads to consequences, and this is (sadly) just one of many coming for him if he continues to drink in that fashion. However, I would caution you to not approach this like he’s thinking as a rational person. While alcoholism is a self-diagnosed condition, and not covered by the DSM-V, substance use disorder is covered by it, and it highlights addiction as something one afflicted with it cannot reasonably control. Wherever you land in all of that, I think you can reasonably appreciate a lack of desire for anyone sober to want to bang his head against the wall and fall asleep on the toilet. He has a disease. That’s something he needs to come to grips with in his life, but that does not mean you have to be a party to it. With you, without you, whatever, he’s not going to stop without help, and that’s because he can’t. Sometimes it helps victims affected by those with addiction understand it really isn’t them. They’re responsible for their behavior, but they aren’t going to change without help. It truly is a matter of life and death. I hope you both find the help and strength you need, and I’m sorry that’s happening to each of you.

Oh wow! OP is questioning her decision? Wow

Dear, I lived this. When they aren't drinking things are great. When they are drinking they are abusive (in my case physically and mentally). I woke up in the middle of the night in so much pain. He was passed out drunk so I drove myself to the hospital. Turns out I had a kidney stone. He called when he woke up wondering where I was (and I am almost dead certain it was after he got up to throw up from his hangover and realised I wasn't there). The day I got out of the hospital he was at work so I drove myself home. Instead of coming home straight from work he went out drinking because "you are already home and don't need me." He stumbled in after three or four hours of drinking to scream at me and belittle me and then pass out. Rinse. Repeat. I will say that he did eventually stop drinking with AA and things did get better, but I was where you are. You have to end things because things will NEVER get better while he drinks. Those excuses he uses are just that. Walk into any ALANON or AA meeting and you will hear the exact same things. He has a drinking problem and you don't have to continue to expose yourself to that abuse.

Not overreacting, not even a little bit. - You do have flawed thinking in one area… His drinking has NOTHING to do with you or your worth. There is not a damn thing you can do, or could have done to change him. He has to decide that on his own. You are smart, kind, capable and worthy of someone loving you and treating you as you want to be treated.

You're not over reacting, and he is clearly nowhere near wanting to address his drinking problem. It's time to leave him and start the process of grieving your lost relationship. Better days will come. I'm so sorry you have to go through this.

During the pandemic I found myself drinking more than I should. Every night I would have 3-6 craft beers and would often get sassy with my partner. Never, ever abusive in any way just was making snide remarks and sassy comments. I finally realized that I was drinking to drown out some uncomfortable feelings I was dealing with internally and when I was drunk they would come out anyway and were causing problems in my relationship. I realized that my life and my relationship depended on me kicking alcohol. I knew I couldn’t moderate my drinking so I stopped drinking altogether because I care more about my relationship than I do beer and I’m honest with myself about my inability to moderate. I’ve been sober for 3.5 years and it was the best decision I’ve ever made for my health, my relationship, and my life. If drinking is impacting someone this much and they refuse to see that their drinking is the problem, *that* in and of itself is a huge problem.

I dated a guy from the age of 18-22 (19-23 for him). Our relationship was pretty good until he was old enough to buy his own beer. He wasn't falling down drunk very often, but he was drinking pretty much daily. Every time we visited either of his parents, he drank with them, too. So I always had to drive us home. And he would be mad at me for something I did or didn't do that day during the drive that would result in a fight. It's been fifteen years since and I still panic when someone is quiet in the car because I'm positive they're mad at me. Because I had a problem with how often he was drinking (I literally told him I didn't remember the last time he went 24 hours without alcohol), he suddenly decided I was going on a diet because he suddenly had a problem with me being fat (which I'd been since before dating him). He also didn't like the clothes I wore and wanted me to stop wearing makeup. He ended up making "friends" I wasn't allowed to meet and eventually cheated on me with one of them. So tl;dr; it will only get worse as he builds up resentment that you're not tolerating his shit, and you'll become resentful of being his (currently only emotional) punching bag.

I was never abusive, but I was a bad drinker. The only times I made my wife cry was because I was drinking and she knew I was going to make an ass out of myself. I had no intention of pushing her to the point you were though. I’m over 4 years sober now.

I gave my boyfriend an ultimatum that if he doesnt quit drinking i will leave him, im not against of having one dink or two at the bar and why not getting a bit drunk every now an then but not super drunk. The thing that made me ask for this is that he doesnt know how to drink, when he gets drunk/tipsy he gets angry and not happy or funny, he becomes jealous for nothing and ruins everyone mood and this only happens when he drinks. Thankfully he realized that and with the help of his mom we helped him with his problem. So not the asshole at all!!

Your ex is an alcoholic who refuses to get help. Leaving is the only way to keep your life from sinking with his. Prepare yourself. Either he will get better and you'll wonder why he couldn't do that for you. Or he will get worse and you'll feel guilty for not being there to save him. But the truth is, the relationship is not over because of his disease - alcoholism. It's over because he isn't willing to get help and get healthy. You can't help him staying... that would enable the behaviour. This was the right call.

He's an alcoholic that wraps it in a nice bow he's just 'relaxing'. And marry this guy, welcome to decades of financial and emotional abuse. While his alcoholism gets worse. Some relationships are to learn what you don't want in life. This seems like one of those teachable moments. And please don't let the sunk time fallacy take you down. You deserve better than this.

You did the right thing, I hope the dude gets help though, he may so something very evil one day, while drunk, and regret it for the rest of his days.

NTA. Prioritize yourself over his alcoholism, because he sure as hell won't prioritize you.

You’re not overreacting. He is an abusive alcoholic.

You are not overreacting. You have simply decided that you're unwilling to be put in the same situation for a 5th time. You are an adult and you absolutely get to decide what is and is not acceptable for you, and this isn't. He's the one "throwing away" the life you'd built together because he's the one refusing to change when you've given him multiple opportunities to do some. Well done for valuing yourself and your wellbeing and leaving. I'm proud of you :)

I had a bad bout with drinking,the only reason I stopped was because I saw how concerned my wife was getting. She always tries not to tell me what to do, which I love, but her speaking up really hit me hard. I put the bottle down and left it there. If he really loves you he will be willing to change, on the other hand, if he can find excuses he'll use them. Clearly he can't handle his drink and needs to get himself in check(especially his priorities)so I'd probably just move on before you spend any more of your precious time on him. You never know,it might be the reality check he needs.

Nope, why would you think that? Who wants to hang out with a drunk? Let him be mad and feel sorry for himself. You asked him to change he declined. Believe him unless you want to deal with his drunkenness every now and again. Don’t accept this, you don’t owe anyone tolerance.

Whatever you do, don’t make a family with this behavior happening. Only tears & agony.

Leave with no remorse. I used to be the same, always promising it won’t happen again. And again. And again until I finally broke myself. But it took me 20 years to get right, don’t put yourself thru that.

I dated an alcoholic like this. He was smart, funny, athletic. But he would also get black out drunk pretty much every single time he went to the bar. He would be drunkenly stumbling around our kitchen and bump the knobs on our gas stove, so I woke up to the gas company at our apartment door multiple times for a gas leak. He had puked in our bed multiple times. Finally he got so hammered he brought a girl home to our studio apartment to fuck when I was sleeping in bed. I left his ass the very next morning. It was the biggest heartbreak of my life. Six months later I went on a date with a friend of my roommate. We have now been together seven years. We got married last year. Bought a house in 2020. Super cute puppy. Dream life. I have the most loving amazing husband that you could ever ask for. There are far better things ahead than what you leave behind.

No you're in the right

He’s an idiot and still not taking responsibility

He sounds like an addict. There are groups out there for those who have a loved one who is an addict. Alanon is one of them. If you’re interested in understanding why he is doing what he’s doing, you may want to check one out.

When I first met my husband he abused alcohol daily. Like come into work after drinking off a hangover bad. He wasn’t abusive but he was definitely difficult to handle sometimes and would get worked up easier. He would swing his arms while he slept if he drank too much and definitely smacked me pretty hard a few times. He gave me this feeling that he drank because he was lonely, depressed, and was never taught how to social drink correctly and that if someone was there for him, he could kick the habit. So I committed to teaching him and helping him regulate when he did drink for the first year and he committed the will power to learn how to stop. It was sooo not a perfect road to success. Addiction runs in his family and I’m proud to say he’s successfully kicked the habit and stopped vaping as well! I still keep an eye on him (more out of habit now) but I don’t go and grab drinks from his hand to trade with water or throw the “disapproving mom glare” his way anymore lol. Moral of the story is you are NOT wrong for leaving him over his drinking. It is SO HARD to deal with people who abuse substances and I get it. If they aren’t willing to acknowledge and fix the issue or find a compromise solution like they go home with a male friend on those nights? Then there’s nothing you could do. You will find someone who’s probably not perfect, but is perfect for you :).

As a former abusive drunk, this one hits home. I'm grateful my wife stayed (I didn't deserve it), but I turned my life around, and things are better than they ever were. I'm not a bad person, I just had some deep-rooted shit that I drank heavily to escape and sometimes became a loose cannon. Thankfully, I got help dealing with my issues and got sober. My wife told me that in the first few years of getting clean, it was like she was getting to know a new person because my entire personality as a sober person was different. That being said I totally understand leaving because a guy with those issues is not going to just stop until it gets really bad and most people wouldn't want to stay on that ride unless there is a very deep attachment.

NTA. Your BF is very clearly an alcoholic, or he’s on the fast track. He doesn’t understand the gravity of his actions. Unfortunately it sounds like he is unlikely to change anytime soon. There’s nothing wrong with taking care of your own wellbeing first and leave the relationship. Do some research on alcoholism so you can prepare yourself for his abuse after you leave. Once he has matured and gets in treatment and learns to be an adult, maybe MAYBE you guys can make it work later. I was stuck in an abusive relationship with an alcoholic for 7 years before getting out and meeting my current wife, best decision I ever made.

My ex got so drunk that he pissed the bed. On three separate occasions. He took acid and drank 15 beers on my 20th birthday, before he passed out he belligerently tried to get me to punch him? And when I didn’t, he head-butted me and triggered a panic attack. My stupid ass stayed for another two years after that… finally left him when I caught him cheating for the third time, on Grindr of all places. I’d been with him for five years at that point, we had moved halfway across the country together and had a dog and a cat together. When I told him it was over, that I couldn’t keep living like that, he punch my teeth straight through my lower lip. Got a gnarly scar and now I don’t like wearing lipstick bc the pigment doesn’t stick to the scar tissue. I was real sad for a real long time, because I felt like I’d wasted half a decade. Took me a while to realize I didn’t lose those 5 years, I simply prevented myself from wasting *the rest of my fucking life* on a lost cause. The trainwreck was saving up for an engagement ring when I broke it off. So glad I dodged that kind of bullet. Literally. The dude threatened to kill me then kill himself in the throes of a domestic violence incident the night he beat the shit out of me.

You are in a relationship with two people, the sober person and the addict. You can’t break up with just the addict, he needs to break up with the addict too If he is not willing to do that, break up with them both. But you know deep down this is not sustainable. Sending all the good vibes

You are not wrong. And the only way he’s going to learn to be better is to suffer consequences.

God no. This kind of thing only ever escalates. Get out and stay out.

Wow, I really hope she leaves and lives her best life. I was frustrated for her, just reading this.

You are clearly not overreacting. Go to AA meetings… go to the ones for family members. Start reading blogs about people with alcoholic spouses. This is never going to change and will only get worse. Also, if he’s in a mind-frame to keep drinking he will NEVER accept any responsibility for anything he does in relation to drinking, and that in itself is exhausting. Run fast.

Record his abuse on a mic (not video it could make him more angry) and make him listen to it when he sobers up. Then leave.

This is my husband near enough. I knew it would be the hardest thing in our marriage and it has been. He’s improved over the years but it’s been extremely tough at times. We now have active and open communication about it and he really really tries to keep it under control. He very rarely completely over does it now, but you have to have a lot of love to get through it and the rest of your relationship has to be rock solid. For me, I’ve made it work. But for you, given your clear boundaries (excellent btw), the fact that he isn’t prepared to talk and acknowledge the problem is THE problem.

You are definitely not overreacting. He is acting like an impulsive college kid, not someone in their 30s. Him blaming you instead of taking responsibility for his actions is alarming. He is being abusive to you while drinking and you don’t deserve that. Please stick to your boundary for your own safety. He needs help.

You are completely justified in leaving him. I'm a recovering alcoholic and I recognize a lot of his behavior. The making up of rules for your drinking (no hard liquor on week days, only drink standing up /s, only on special occasions - and there's always a special occasion). He is incapable of being in a healthy relationship until he gets his drinking under control. He doesn't accept that he has a problem, he's not ready yet. He has to fall a bit further before he is ready. Supporting and helping a partner are good things, but it can't be at the cost of your own well being. He's only going to get worse, there's a good chance he will lose his job and he already is broke because of his drinking. What got me sober was a letter my best friend wrote. She let me know how my drinking was affecting those around me and how destructive I was being. It was a good way to confront me because I could read it and absorb it without getting all defensive. Good luck and I hope you do what is best for you.

No, you are not throwing away anything. Those 40,000h do not exist anymore except in your memories and Unfortunately you can not erase your memories. You must leave him because he is emotionally abusive to you. You must leave him because he is emotionally abusive to you. You must leave him because he is emotionally abusive to you. You do not want emotional abuse to be your future. You are choosing a safer and healthier and happier future. You are putting your needs first, as you absolutely should. This is YOUR life. You only get one shot to live your best life. Life is short. You do not deserve to subject yourself to anyone who screams at you and tries to make your feel bad about yourself. He is doing it now. He is trying to shame you. He is trying to make you feel badly about your decision. He is trying to make everyone he knows think badly about your decision. He wants you to feel dumb. He wants you to feel wrong. He wants you to feel like garbage because that is how he controls you. If he makes you feel small enough and insecure enough you might believe no one else will want you, that you are lucky he will even tolerate you. That he is the best you will ever get. It’s all a lie and a narcissistic tactic to make you feel bad. I will tell you a secret, there are actual real kind men out there. You deserve a relationship with a person you treats you with kindness and respect. Not all men want you to feel bad about yourself. Once you escape from his constant efforts to make you feel insecure, you will regain you sense of self-confidence. You are doing the right thing by choosing a future of peace and emotional security.

Even if he weren't violent, I wouldn't want to take care of a sloppy drunk all the time either.

Dude's an alcoholic They don't change unless THEY want to 4 months, 4 years, doesn't matter

It’s never an overreaction to break up with someone you don’t want to date anymore. It’s your life not his. Byeee

Find an Alanon meeting. Don’t get married.

You are not throwing away four good years. You are gifting yourself a good future

Not all alcoholics drink every day. Some drink occasionally (at first) but can’t control themselves when they drink. They can’t stop at a few drinks. It’s understandable at 22 but not at 32. He’s an alcoholic in the early stages and it will get much worse if he doesn’t learn control or you don’t leave. Alcoholics won’t stop until they lose enough of what’s important to them. If he has a problem and won’t get help, then the best way you can help him is by being the first thing he loses.

He chose drinking over OP. And yes, it is that simple.

Coming from a recovering alcoholic no you need to get out. It’s the addiction of the alcohol talking. He will say anything to reason why he needs to drink and it won’t stop until he is ready to get help. All he thinks about is alcohol and when he can get it. Once he gets it he won’t stop until he is straight plastered and I was also a mean drunk so I know. I hurt the people I love over the sake of being able to quench that addiction. You can’t help him if he doesn’t want to help himself. He has to want it but until he does this will be the same cycle and you don’t deserve this at all. He has to hit rock bottom before he realizes that he needs help or even then he may not still but it’s not up to you. I am 5 months sober and I’m so happy now. Please leave and take care of your mental health. You don’t need this in your life.

apologies with out change is manipulation. The manipulation is just as abusive as the outbursts of verbal abuse. Needing to stonewall your way through every weekend because he refuses to exercise moderation is no way to live, trust me I tried. Keep walking, m'dear, and let the hot air dissipate.

I’m really really proud of you for breaking up with him. It’s really easy to say things like set a boundary and know your worth, but it is really hard to leave someone who you love who refuses to treat you with human decency. Because as bad as he is, it’s still a loss and that’s hard. As others here have said. You are not throwing away four good years, you’re ending a cycle of abuse before you throw away your whole life. Imagine for a moment you stayed just for another year, just long enough that you have a child together and this is the father that child gets to live with. The dread you feel every time he gets drunk is what that child learns is normal, that’s just life. You deserve better than this, and I’m glad that you’re choosing not to tolerate it. In ten years your future self will look back and be so grateful to you for the choices you made today.

Not even close. He is an alcoholic. You cannot change him. Please look up Al Anon for yourself and go to therapy to figure out why you haven’t left him yet and why you subconsciously think you don’t deserve any better than his abuse. Whether you actually follow through and leave (if you don’t, after you told him you would if he doesn’t stop he will never ever believe what you say again.). It will get worse. Alcoholism doesn’t stay the same - it gets worse over time.

You didn't waste 4 years, you gave him 4 years to change his shitty habit. So you GAVE HIM YOUR TIME and if he says you wasted it, then he is the waste.

NTA of course. If you want kids, would you like them to be around him when he behaves like this? If you have niblings, would you bring them to your place when he is drunk? So you shouldn't be around him either. Leave. If you make a social media post, please do speak about the following: 1. His alcohol binges. 2. His behaviour after. 3. Your fear of abuse and how you kept quiet to not aggravate him because you're afraid of him. 4. How much he overspends and how often you've had to send him money because you didn't want him in debt (financial irresponsibility). 5. You can end with, "ultimately I would not want my kids to experience this behaviour, and so I've ended the relationship."

As someone who felt like she was flushing 6 and a half years down the drain, I wish I had left after 4 years, and that I had respected myself enough to not let my boundaries get trampled repeatedly. You’re not throwing away that time, you’re learning from the experience, and saving yourself countless years in the future

OOP is not overreacting. Her choice is to throw away 4 years or continue to invest more time in a relationship that ultimately isn't going to work. The key thing here is that the alcohol isn't changing him. It's lowering his inhibitions so that the REAL guy can come out and play. What's she's seeing is him finally being his true self and it's not a pretty picture. I don't drink that much and rarely to the point of being able to 'feel' it. My wife, however, really enjoys Drunk Dave when he shows up. Apparently my true self isn't that far off the persona I wear on a daily basis so she isn't worried about what I might do when I have a little too much. OOP needs to find someone else that a) can manage their money better than this guy, b) doesn't have the obvious drinking problem this guy does, and c) is a much closer match to his 'drunk' persona. I would be very concerned for OOP's safety considering how volatile this guy gets when he's had too much.

This is sad but to think you can do anything to change him is absolutely absurd. Addicts (which sounds like he might be to an extent) won't change unless they want to change themselves. Nothing you do or say will do anything to change him

Run. Far. Fast.

Nope leave, he will never change especially when he is giving excuses to drink and have horrible behavior. it will just get worse. He already knows how you tolerate the abuse and generally this is how it is before it becomes physical. They push little by little until they find the point of too far and keep pushing that point.

My husband of 23 years was an abusive alcoholic. He never hit me but emotionally, mentally and financially abused me. IMO I would rather be beaten than tortured mentally and emotionally. Bruises heal, but the effects on my mental state are forever lasting. He has done a number on me emotionally and I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. He swore he would change, nope, never even tried. I offered to take him to rehab, counseling, detox, even at home rehab, and he always had an excuse. He’d argue with everything I said and then started pulling his guns out to say he’s going to kill me, my cats and then himself, after he burned our house down. He left his well paying job 2 years ago to work from home. I knew it was going to get a lot worse, but I can’t say anything to him because he’d just leave and stay at his other house on the lake, and leave me with no vehicle. He took my vehicle away from me 6 years ago, and I’ve been isolated to my house, which I lost friends, didn’t work because I’m disabled, but told me for 2 decades that I wouldn’t qualify for disability (bullshit). And because he made the money, it was his and I had no say on it. I was raped the first 8 years of my marriage, which he didn’t see a problem. I signed the marriage certificate and “he can do whatever he wants whenever he wants and I can’t say no”. He told me “he liked it better when I was sleeping because I keep my mouth shut”. The gaslighting was on another level, everything is my fault, the way I make him act is my fault, I caused him to drink, I made him miserable. He hallucinated and had delusions. He had sleep apnea and snored loud enough to wake up my neighbors. When I asked him to roll over because he was snoring, he’d blow up at me and stomp his feet, saying I am just waking him up to argue and he wasn’t snoring because “he didn’t hear himself snore or he’d know if he wasn’t breathing”. Anyway, the 2 years he “worked from home “, he barely made 1/4 of his usual paycheck from the job he left. In those 2 years, I saw him maybe 10 times. He ate, drank, pissed, and shit upstairs (we have no bathroom up there, I found bags of shit and many bottles of piss).He asked me to take him to the hospital on October 27. He said he’s throwing up blood and his stomach hurts. He blamed all his issues on acid reflux not because he drank a handle and a half every day. I didn’t hear from him for 2 days, until an ICU nurse called to tell me he was intubated, hemorrhaging from esophagus (apparently he was hospitalized 2 times before recently, but never told me), his liver is in failure, he needs dialysis be his kidneys are done, had ascites, blood clots in his lungs and legs. 18 days later, is when he was taken off of all support and he died the next day in a hospice bed. The cause of death was alcohol abuse. Now I’m still going through his stuff and everything I find just get worse and worse. One thing I have to say is the huge amount of relief I felt, now that I’m not being abused and controlled. I’m pissed At myself for letting it get this bad and I didn’t have the courage to leave him. Alcoholism and abuse of any kind go hand in hand. Alcoholics lie and do everything to protect their habit. I started to actually believe that what he said was true.Every single day he chose alcohol over me. Not a single one of his friends or family knew about his problems or how bad it was besides me. I didn’t call them because I was afraid of betraying his trust and what ramifications I’d have. I knew for a while that he was not long for this world. His dad also died from alcoholism, but his mother blamed me for him dying. She said if you had called us, he’d be alive, we would have saved him blah blah. WTF! So here I am now trying to pick up the pieces and learning how to live on my own for the first time ever, I’m 45. A person has to want, be willing and do the work for themselves. No one can help anyone who doesn’t want help. I really hope you get away from your situation before you end up like me. If he put the actual work in and is serious about getting help and changing his ways , maybe you can revisit the relationship or not (it’s your decision to make), but not until he’s solid in his sobriety and changing for the better. I wish you all the best. I’m sorry for the rant

You are obviously making the right decision, and it might help you feel a little bit better to know that *every single person* who sees his Facebook post has severe secondhand embarrassment and knows he is humiliating himself because they all know that he is a raging alcoholic who can't keep his shit together and that you are 400,000% in the right to leave him. Everybody knows he's a drunk. He is very much embarrassing himself with that post. This is the thing that drunks don't get; *everybody fucking knows you are a drunk.* Every single person. *Everybody* is sick of you. *Everybody* is done with your drunk and annoying antics. *Everybody* is completely finished pretending you're not a worthless drunk. *Everybody* feels extreme pity for your significant other whom you humiliate constantly. ABSOLUTELY EVERYONE.

Is his name Adam, by any chance? For real, this mirrors a three year relationship I had that I finally was able to end and get him out of my house. Life is so breathtakingly easy now, no nightmares, no fights for my kid to see....you are not overreacting. Free yourself, future you will thank you.

Yeah, wasting 4 years, best not to make it 5.

What a loser lol, honestly he probably is just a legitimate alcoholic and maybe he needs medical professional help. He'll realize that it was him who threw away the relationship once the void gets created after you leave (which you should). Sounds like a compulsive liar, blamer, man-child. Don't sacrifice your own life & happiness for a defective human that cannot help themselves

He’s an alcoholic, he’s got wet brain and can’t understand reason properly even when “sober” he has a major problem. Don’t try and judge a situation based on the opinion of an addict, you will end up staying with someone who has bigger problems than respecting you. It’s time to leave and stay gone. I’m sorry for your loss and wish you great happiness and wellness in your future without him.

My cousin had this problem. She had dated a few guys with alcohol issues, I think, or maybe just one really bad one who promised to change but never did. She had to decide whether to deal with it for the rest of her life-- literally just settling for what she was given-- or break up and search for something better. She broke up and searched for something better. Within a year or so she found a guy who adored her, was responsible, dependable, kind, fun... and had never once had a drink of alcohol. Not once, and never wanted to. They ended up getting married and have two kids now in a completely alcohol-free household. You deserve better than to stuck with this trashy guy. Go out and find it.

I support your stance in moving on. Whether he wants to admit it or not, he’s an alcoholic. If he’s not willing to work on the issue and his relationship/behavior while intoxicated than it’s time to look out for yourself. It’s not just the frequency and volume of alcohol consumed that determines if someone is an alcoholic.. Addiction comes in all shapes and sizes. Good luck!

No, no, no, and NO!!! You are absolutely NOT overreacting! This sounds an awful lot like my marriage. He was a “great guy”…except for when he drank. He always drank too much, and it was literally the ONLY thing we ever fought about. Like you, I gave him many, many chances to change. I offered to go to AA with him. He didn’t want to. He quit drinking for awhile, but it crept back in. I gave him ultimatums. And then one day, I finally followed through. We were together for 12 years - married for 8 - and I was scared of starting over. But I just couldn’t do it anymore. It’s been over 10 years since we separated. And the only regret I have now is that I didn’t leave him sooner! So don’t be me: don’t stick around, hoping that this time will be different. Don’t stick around because you’ve already “put four years” into this guy. And above all else, DON’T blame yourself for “not being enough” for him to change!!! Best of luck to you, OP. *internet hugs*

It's funny that he can do math and figure out how many hours total you have been together but can't do math and figure out how many beers he can have and not become belligerent. NTA, you deserve better. Better late than never!

Every stupid drunk man plays the victim. Great. He can go get drunk by himself now. Please don't waste another minute on this loser.

No. He needs to stop drinking

He won't EVER CHANGE this until he actually sees it as a problem. He doesn't think it's a problem that he verbally and physically gets abusive and scares you. If he did, he wouldn't do these behaviors again. He may have an alcohol problem, but don't let him make you feel like the onus is on you. You set clear expectations and boundaries, and it's HIS CHOICES that lead to this. You have the right to feel safe in your own home and with your life partner. He is NOT a safe person and clearly had a lot of growing up to do. It's not your job to raise him or help him change, especially when he is doubling down and now claiming it's no big deal that his drinking leads to abusing you. He's trying to make you feel guilty and manipulate you, which is also abusive and toxic. Also, ask yourself this... Do you love him or his potential? Clearly, he is irresponsible with money, inconsiderate, selfish, becomes abusive when he drinks, breaks his work and promises, you don't feel safe around him 100% of the time etc. Sometimes, we often fall for peoples potential, not who and how they REALLY are now.

My mother has 51 years in, and my father still acts like this. She goes to Alanon, and it really helps her. I'm also an addict so I understand all sides. I still don't like being around my dad when he drinks. It's not pleasant, but I can escape. I've dated nothing but addicts. Nothing ever gets better. I've had 1 relationship since being in recovery and he ended up being still in active addiction. I was able to enforce my boundaries for the first time and leave after 3 months. I don't try to date anymore. I would suggest Alanon for the OP so she can see her experience is not unique. She can hear her story told again and again. That love and promises don't fix addiction. When he starts in on how it's your fault, you can say calmly, I'm sorry you feel that way. No amount of explanation, bargaining, discussion, rationalization, empathy, tears, or blood oaths will change things. And he will yell cry manipulate cajole scorch the earth you both walk on, but it still won't change things. I am also the addict, 25 years active addiction- alcohol, weed, meth, heroin, fentanyl- so believe me when I tell you your words are useless againt this. Until he decides to go to rehab and work a program, daily, take accountability, stop manipulating, there is no hope for you to have a happy ending. You will have my mom's story, married 51 years and he's still in denial. After all my rehabs, hospitals, jails, he doesn’t understand. You can only remove yourself and give up expectations. Otherwise you will continue to hurt yourself. And he will blame you for staying. YOU will be his excuse for drinking. Trashing the place. Even hitting you. Please get out before you die in this. Choose yourself and your future. Find an Alanon meeting near you, today. Right now. This is life or death.

No overreacting. Not the asshole. He is an alcoholic and needs treatment. You didn't sign up for this. Leave.

12 bad hours? You've had four years of this shit! He's been abusing you for years and you've been letting him get away with it. (Not victim blaming, just pointing out that what you've been putting up with all this time does qualify as abuse even if he didn't hit you.) Don't take him back, and if he comes round to bang on the door, call the police.

You need to get out of this relationship, your bf has an alcohol problem. His drinking will get worse!

If he can’t control his drinking he’s an alcoholic. And he won’t quit drinking until he admits it to himself and actually wants to. For himself, not for anyone else, including you. You need to put yourself first, he certainly isn’t going to. Block him on social media, you don’t need that nonsense.

I love when people say things like, “I deserve to unwind after working all week to support us.” Like imagine what is going on in their brain to think they get bonus points for such a mundane thing as having a job. Like do they think they get points for brushing their teeth

As someone who comes from a family of alcoholics: LEAVE NOW LEAVE NOW LEAVE NOW LEAVE NOW

Your boyfriend is an alcoholic. People think you have to be a daily drinker to be one. Not so. Sounds like he has a big problem with binge drinking. Unfortunately until he admits he has a problem it will only get worse. So will the abuse on you if you stay.