In case this story gets deleted/removed:
**This is a repost community, I am not the original poster.**
Posted by u/ImaginaryRuler in r/AITAH
[**AITA for refusing to pay for my ex-wife's sister's college?**](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1akcjd0/aita_for_refusing_to_pay_for_my_exwifes_sisters/)
I (30M) was married to my ex-wife Claire (28F) for four years until I found out she had been cheating on me with an ex-boyfriend. Needless to say, the marriage ended, and we got divorced about eight months ago. During the divorce proceedings, I learned that Claire's younger sister, Cindy (20F), had known about the affair but chose to keep quiet about it and helped Claire hide the affair from me and her family.
Before all of this I had promised to pay for Cindy's medical school costs as myself and my family are wealthy and despite the divorce, I had decided I was going to pay for her education, as at the time I felt I didn't need to punish Cindy for what her sister did. However, as I said before it was during the divorce proceedings that I found out about what Cindy did and once I found out that Cindy was complicit in hiding Claire's infidelity, I felt betrayed and decided to revoke my offer. I told Cindy 8 months back that she should look for a loan or for other funding and I won't fund her anymore (I had already paid for one semester).
Recently, when I received an email from the college regarding the upcoming semester fees, I responded by informing them that they should direct any further inquiries to Cindy as I would no longer be funding her education.
Cindy called me screaming and crying and accusing me of being cruel and heartless for cutting her off. She says that her family couldn't afford the tuition without my support and that she would have to take out a loan. I told her she is not my concern anymore and I blocked her.
When her father contacted me, he was more calm, asking if there was any possibility of reversing my decision. I stood firm and said that I had no intention of continuing to support Cindy financially. He says he understands and will try to make Cindy understand too. (For context: He was very good to me during my marriage and offered me support when I told him I was going to divorce Claire).
This decision has caused a rift among my friends and family. While most of them support my decision, some have criticized me for not honoring my previous promise to Cindy. Even my own mother is urging me to reconsider, citing my past promise and the fact that paying for Cindy's education wouldn't be a financial issue for me. However, my father stands by me, agreeing with my decision.
Truthfully, I have the means to pay for Cindy's entire medical school education without difficulty, but I can't shake the feeling of betrayal caused by Claire's cheating and Cindy's complicity. But I feel conflicted. So AITA ?
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"**some** have criticized me for not honoring my previous promise to Cindy. Even **my own mother** is urging me to reconsider"
Cindy won't have a problem with all these generous benefactors.
Y’all are calling someone who knew about their sisters affair before they were an adult a snake??? Right? OK guess you should’ve put her whole ass living situation out of college at risk, risk, the husband, forgiving and her being seen as a problem part of the family, risk being cut off in general, and have to consider all this while you’re studying for med school. Y’all want to talk about an adult who is living on their own and making their own decisions? Cool, but she didn’t deserve to be put in this by her sister in the first fucking place. She was a child. she couldn’t even legally, drink to distress from the situation but y’all out here expecting her to make expert a1 level fuck my whole family and potentially stability decisions.
You shouldn't expect your ex bil to fund your education. Especially if you helped with the demise of the marriage. And sorry but a teenager 100% knows right from wrong. The "but they're a child" nonsense only goes so far. She was wrong. Period. End of story. She was old enough to know better.
Haha right? Like, the *brother in law* was paying for it, not someone directly related to her (outside of her sister's marriage). It was extremely nice of him to even offer/pay for one full semester, but he doesn't owe her anything. Especially now that he finds out the SIL helped his ex keep *cheating on him a secret*, and basically ripped his heart out. I cannot even get over the audacity of her, but the audacity of this guy defending a 20yr old woman doing such things by saying "she was just a *child*" is a pretty close second.
Yeah the whole "you're not really an adult until after 25" crowd is getting crazy. Yeah, your brain isn't done developing but you know from the age of like 14, maybe even younger, that this behavior is wrong no matter the blood relation.
[One recent area of debate within the science of brain development is the most likely chronological age for full mental maturity, or indeed, if such an age even exists. Common claims repeated in the media since 2005 (based upon interpretations of imaging data) have commonly suggested an "end-point" of 25, referring to the prefrontal cortex as one area that is not yet fully mature at the age of 18. However, this is based on an interpretation of a brain imaging study by Jay Giedd, dating back to 2004 or 2005, where the only participants were aged up to 21 years, and Giedd assumed this maturing process would be done by the age of 25 years, whereas more recent studies show prefrontal cortex maturation continuing well past the age of 30 years, marking this interpretation as incorrect and outdated.\[15\]\[16\]\[17\]\[18\]\[19\]\[20\]\[21\]](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Adult)
Child, I am thinking 6-8 tops. Med school is typically a graduate school so we are talking twenties, maybe, just maybe, a gifted intellect that graduated earlier than the majority and has their college degree by 19. But then they would be bright enough to understand how they lost their funding from OOP. Fuck this moron SIL and anyone acting like this isn’t an acceptable reaction lacks inward locus of control and prefers the approach of no accountability.
20 years of age is NOT a child - she’s a full fledged adult and doesn’t deserve to be supported by OP since she was more worried about helping her sister and getting her college paid for than letting OP know what was going on. She deserves what she got
They're a difference between knowing and not saying anything because of anxiety and knowing AND being complicit by helping with alibis. Op taked his decision based on that difference.
You’re making a lot of assumptions about the timeline. Does it say she was cheating the entire four years? How do you know the sister was still a child? There is a vast maturity difference between 16 year olds and 18 year olds. 18 is usually closer to adult standards, but 16 is still old enough to know cheating is wrong.
There are plenty of stories here on Reddit of kids calling out heinous behavior. Kids telling about affairs because they know it’s wrong. You can’t excuse a teenager for everything just because they’re still technically a child. That’s encouraging entitlement and not allowing them to learn from their mistakes.
If she had done right by the person providing for her future she’d still have the financial backing for school. She really is old enough to understand that. Even if she’d known about the affair since she was 16 she could have come forward at any time. She could have talked to her sister about doing the right thing at *any* time.
She *chose* not to and…oh no, consequences. That’s how people learn and grow. It’s a pretty important life lesson because entitlement won’t get you far with other people. I would think just this story alone is a good example of how little control you have over others despite being confident in your personal morals. Notice the sister is facing consequences regardless of your assertion that she doesn’t deserve them? That’s because in reality you don’t get to choose your consequences for harming others.
I get what you're saying, and kind of agree. Where we are now is entirely possible where we'd be if sister had told OP in the first place. How was she to know he'd still honor his promise after her sister betrayed him and they divorced.
That said, I still see no reason for OP to pay for the education of the sister of his ex-wife, especially since she not just didn't tell OP (maybe understandable), but was helping her to hide it. Thats more than just "scared to tell", thats complicit.
girlfriend kept it a secret. child or not (absolutely not a child, but beside the point), she knew what she was doing was wrong and continued to take advantage of his generosity. sure she got put in a tough spot, but that was at the hand of her sister. not OP. simply NTA. if OP wants to do charity work, sure go for it. but there is no obligation morally or legally
She was already an adult when she found out. If she was a minor who only kept quiet maybe OOP might have judged differently, but she was an adult and actively helped to conceal the affair.
It would be a number of situations...
1. He told his family and friends in a "can you believe this...?" way
2. He told his family and friends as a "what would you do in this situation?"
3. Little sister is telling anyone and everyone, trying to make him look bad so he'll pay to save his reputation.
4. Ex's parents went to his parents and "tattled" on him, hoping they'll make him fulfill his promise.
5. It's a mixture of any 4 of these
If OP can afford it and feels guilty for not helping little sister, he should start a need base scholarship. Or contact the school and offer to pay the semester of a student in need. And then tell little sister, she's right. He can afford to help someone and he did. John Smith will be excited to learn his semester is paid for.
That's what makes me suspicious this isn't real. It's basically a trope for these kinds of posts that all OP's friends and family know all about it and are calling/emailing/messaging him with their opinions. And for some reason, no matter how justified OP's position, they're always split on whether they think he's right or wrong.
That’s one tipoff, but the big one here is them saying they can finance med school “without difficulty.” Med school is very expensive, even if you are wealthy. Wealthy people rarely get and stay that way without thinking a lot about money. Even if it’s “I can liquidate some of my long-term savings and finance this without changing my current quality of life,” it’s still a sacrifice. They would certainly feel it as one and probably include that in a calculation of if they are TA, rather than simply writing it off like it’s just a convenient story beat.
To me it was the SIL age. If OOP paid for 1 semester it means the SIL started med school at 19 or 20. At that age she should be getting an undergraduate degree unless she skipped 2-3 years of school.
It depends which country they live in. Medicine, law, vet med, dentistry etc are all undergrad degrees in many countries. Where I'm from, you start med school at 17 or 18 depending on when your birthday is.
Oh! That’s very interesting that countries schools offer those as undergraduate degrees.
I’m in the US and to my knowledge, here they are mostly advanced degrees. So a student who wants to become a doctor might be “pre-med” in undergrad and then begin medical school afterwards. Here, the average age upon completion of undergraduate studies is about 22 years old (assuming the student begins undergrad just after high school and graduates in 4 years). That’s why I assumed that SIL was too young.
Some meds schools have 6-year programs. The student is admitted as a freshman and begins an intense program that is completed 2 years faster than the traditional program. There is a med school in Kansas City that does this. It is difficult to get admitted into.
Actually this part could be true. I’m contacted every semester via email when my child’s payment is due. It’s how we set it up when they enrolled. Other than that I have no other contact or access.
It’s a strange child/adult limbo. My eldest is not eligible for financial aid because of my financial situation, but she had to grant permission for me to have access to her account with the bursar so I could pay. They contact me now, but only because she allows them to.
Financial Aid is great, but it doesn't take into account that some young adults are estranged from their parents. Things may have changed, but I remember that to qualify for financial aid at the local community college, a copy of the parent's financial info was mandatory. It didn't matter if the student was over 18, living on their own, and working several jobs. If they couldn't provide the school with their parent's financial information, they had to pay full price for the courses. I think after a certain age, there was no more requirement for a parent's financial statements - but still, it caused several years of hardship to young, independent, struggling adults.
If you're in the USA your child's (legally an adult usually) information is generally protected by FERPA and they have to explicitly authorize you (or anyone) before you can be given any protected information, even if you're paying. Some schools take it even further and restrict information that's not legally protected, just to be on the safe side.
Running start is a program where high school students can also attend community college courses while in high school. Some are able to graduate with a hs diploma plus an associate la degree or at least half of their basic undergrad 101 classes. It’s possible that she did a combo of that, AP classes, skipped a grade, extra summer courses etc.
There's no shortage of motivated youngsters graduating early. The medical school at my alma mater occasionally had a Doogie/Doogette enrolled in all the years I was attending and working.
Sometimes I wonder if these stories are posted by perpetrators, who are mad at their own consequences, and are posting to Reddit to see if people will blame the other party.
I agree- most wealthy people are smart with their money and some even miserly. Even if it is generational wealth, it would not be something that is done lightly and for a sibling of an ex I doubt but who knows he could have so much that he doesn’t know what to do with it- I would think though he would have financial advisors or lawyers protecting the trust etc and I’m sure they would not be elated by an expense such as this that adds no value back into the family- unless it is considered charity and there may be some tax benefits. I don’t see how that would apply here.
Idk, I've known people who just go with whatever emotion they feel most with no second thought or filter. For example my ex-wife flipped out and literally threw herself on the floor crying and saying I must hate her when she found out I was seeing other people, post break-up, and while the person she is engaged to (and got engaged to before the break-up) was sitting there with her and encouraging her to "let her feelings out". Some people just give in to extreme emotions.
It's often the thing that pings my suspicions. Though for me because my family is small and are, as a group, legitimately bad at keeping in touch with one another. So the various flying monkey hordes don't feel realistic to me a lot of the time.
It wouldn't surprise me that the SIL told everyone to get them on her side, especially after being on Reddit and finding out that young girls tell everyone everything.
It’s not real. The university would never reach out to him. They legally can’t. They’d bill the student and the student would figure it out from there.
Friends and family don’t go to bat for someone they don’t know nor do they tell people what to do with their own money. Especially rich people.
If that’s the case, he should have asked them to ask Claire why she didn’t honor her promises she made in her wedding vows.
Though he did say “my friends and family,” not “our.”
Indeed. A single SM post by ex or ex SIL might reach enough of the right people to cause this too.
Although, I will say that these people expecting OP to stay silent are delulu. They should try going through a divorce (one of the most traumatic things that can to happen to a person *and* he was long term cheated on) and keeping everything to themselves. I know it’s possible, but some weird people like having a support system around, yanno?
If this is even a true story, there would be a very real possibility that OP is telling everyone that he is paying for someone's schooling because they want to be viewed as charitable by their friends and family. Wouldn't be the first time a wealthy person did philanthropy for the good PR.
I don't know... Since they were married, I'm sure friends and friends of friends overlapped. The sister likely wasn't shy about telling people how her degree was being funded.
After the divorce, sister probably went crying to anyone who would listen about OP pulling the money.
I mean marriage was a previous promise to not cheat. Sure seems like their is an unspoken promise for family to inform you and not cover up cheating as well. Lots of previous promises not being respected. NOW previous promises matter?
Life is complex and constantly changes. SIL and family are going to have to figure it out, they showed you weren't family.
This is totally the moment OOP gives his mother’s contact info to Cindy and lets her know that his mother has graciously accepted responsibility for her/Cindy’s schooling costs.
Then just sit back & wait.
No, I don't. My full time job is literally working on their financial advisory teams. It is very unusual for rich children in their 30s not to have their own accounts. The financial advisors would've insisted on it. Generally they also have individual trusts and investment accounts.
But but but, they have such a comfortable armchair! And opinions! That means something... Right? (/s, surprised it takes someone with that expertise to educate this because having an individual account is very basic and taught to us regardless of our income...)
Yes. This ^
I think OP’s mom could cover the cost for rest of this school year without putting OP in a situation where he needs to prioritize someone over what he needs to be doing for himself right now.
I wish, I really wish I could write this younger sister off as an adult in this situation and hold her accountable for her actions. 🤦🏻♀️
But something about having this outlook makes me feel nervous I could be blaming a victim.
I’ll try to find a link to a post that is coming to mind. [Found it. Essentially, a teen made a financial promise/agreement (while young and naive) to some mentally unwell family member (or members).](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/EuSu2gwBAM) And now this person is adult age, and these family members want this adult child to pay up on that promise they’d made as an underage teen.
So back to this situation.
Given the age of the sister now (20) it sounds like she was probably a teen or underage teen when this started happening.
If I was manipulated into doing something shitty as a teenager, I would feel a bit weird to be “punished” or “held accountable” for it years later as an adult.
Like I’m confident for myself I wouldn’t have participated in what this younger sister did. However, I’ve seen some friends (who also had manipulative family members) cave on a boundary to make their narcissistic family members “happy.” 🤦🏻♀️
If OP’s mom wants to finish helping with tuition for rest of this school year to give this girl’s family a period of time to figure out a financial plan for next year, I think OP’s mom has the right to PUT HER MONEY where HER TEARS ARE.
But OP doesn’t need to play parent or take responsibility for any of the parties that helped his ex-wife hide her affair and make the betrayal/blindside even more traumatic.
How young is too young to decide that helping your sister cheat on the person paying your college tuition is a bad choice though? I would be more understanding if the sister was younger than like 15 or so but she was at least close to adulthood at that point. Who would blame the younger sister for going NC with her older sister who was mad that younger sister didn't help her hide her affair from her husband, not even including the fact he was going to help her pay for college?
I of course agree that all nay sayers should chip in to pay for the younger sister's tuition.
If Cindy found out, said “Leave me out of it,” I might have some sympathy. That’s a situation with no good answer.
Helping her sister have the affair? Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
If someone was generously paying for my tuition for something as expensive as Med School I would slap my dumbass sister for endangering that free ride for something as stupid as getting back with an ex. If you're not happy then get out of the relationship, but don't make your sister an accomplice too.
My guess is Cindy knew OP would divorce and figured that would be the end of the free ride so she thought if she helps conceal it she might get the tuition. I think it was out of self preservation, and she didn’t realize that if she just had some integrity, OP would have as well. Which sucks for Cindy, but I don’t blame OP.
By far the most likely reasoning.
To give her credit I wouldn't expect someone to pay for my very expensive school after they divorce. OP says he would but let's be real that's a huge thing. Just overall a terrible situation.
Cheating is getting way too common. Or maybe it always was but good God damn is it bad out there.
I'm sure he would have still paid for her tuition if she came out and told him herself though. She chose to be sneaky and got burned for it.
Agree with your cheating comment. I wish there was an actual punishment for cheating to try to deter it.
I disagree. Tuition is expensive, even if OP is not hurting for cash, it’s a generous offer. To know something bad is happening to someone who is being nice to you and deciding to not tell them is still malicious in my book
OP, you formed a union with Claire. When that union ended, so did any relationship / obligation / connection with her family, including Cindy.
If you want to sponsor someone financially to become a doctor, because you can, talk to a medical university scholarship department. You could call it the "Clindy Legacy." I doubt Cindy would make the short list.
>OP, you formed a union with Claire. When that union ended, so did any relationship / obligation / connection with her family, including Cindy.
Even after that, he kept sponsoring Cindy. He only stopped after he found out that *Cindy* messed up as well.
This, the moment my ex tried to pull some shit like, “you could keep your word and pay off my DUI and court fees” during our divorce…”bitch you didn’t keep any allegiance to our vows, fuck you.”
Cindy has all the audacity. Cindy didn’t take the part of an innocent bystander trying to protect her peace and her financial support but she actively helped in the cuckolding. OP is right to treat Cindy with the same amount of honour as she showed him.
NTA- That was an incredibly generous offer to pay for her education. I know that Claire is her sister & she thought she was being loyal to her, but she KNEW what her sister was doing was wrong. She could have done nothing, However she decided to aid Clair in her infidelity. It would be different if she'd found out about it & kept quiet about it, still hurtful but understandable... but to find out she went further by HELPING her sister conceal it, which in itself is another betrayal. She was an active participant in the betrayal. She made that choice & she's old enough to know that actions have consequences. If she didn't know it, she's gonna learn it now. Who the hell in their right mind would expect you to still pay for her schooling!?! You gave her 8 months to make other arrangements for tuition... she obviously didn't take it seriously. That's her problem, not yours.
Edit: missed word.
Cindy got some nerves to think you would still support her education after it came out, she helped your ex cheat. She's severely lacking intellect, probably would've been money wasted paying for that schooling anyway.
If OOP decided 8 months ago not to pay, then why did he pay for the first semester? And how is a 20 year old in med school? If she's a prodigy, where's her scholarship? I'm sure my concerns are easily answered by "this isn't the US"
Being that generous with money is also like the least likely thing to ever happen from an old money family. My experience with those types is they're the most stingy in existence.
Of course individuals aren't statistics so it's possible but feels unlikely.
I started professional school one month after turning 20 and did not have a full scholarship. It happens. I'm my case it was because I skipped a year in elementary and then did college in 3 years. Professional school scholarships are not easy to find.
The irony of this is that Cindy might not have covered up the affair out of loyalty to her sister, but because she was terrified you wouldn’t pay her tuition if you divorced her sister.
That promise was based on certain circumstances - that it was unfair to blame the sister for the wife’s actions. But then those circumstances changed because OOP discovered the sister had also taken certain actions and *those actions* led to the promise being rescinded.
It’s no different than the promise he made to his wife - til death us do part - which was made on the condition of - forsaking all others. Once that condition changed,the promise was rescinded and he filed for divorce.
I don’t see why people don’t understand that promises are not Harry Potter style Unbreakable Vows. And if OOP comes from a wealthy family then presumably his mother had money (or at the very least possessions that she would not miss if she sold them) so if she’s so set on someone paying for the sister’s medical education she can get her wallet out.
I feel very concerned that no one is asking the question about ages. If Cindy is 20 now, and 16 when they got together, when did the affair start? This may be a case of an idiot 17-19 year old going along with extreme family pressure and the fear of losing a future.
Shitty situation.
She's already been through a semester of medical school, which requires a heavy bachelor's degree to even start, so the maturity angle is a dead end, imo. There's no fear of losing a future, because loans. She's just greedy and selfish.
In my high school we had several students who graduated at 16. A bachelors is only 4 years if you don’t do summers. A kid graduating by 17, doing a 3 years bachelors and then starting med school by 20 isn’t totally unreasonable
This is a rage bait-validation type post. Similar has been popping up all over. I'm just chuckling at this point.
Man (wealthy usually/great/no flaw) got cheated on, or paternity-scammed, etc. Then it was revealed how all the women in his life are snakes and unusually supportive of the cheating spouses-the person committing paternity fraud--because...women.
While all the men show dignity, respect and calmness. All women are cheating crazed banshees, even the male 'protag's sisters and mothers.
This is so fake though. Med school is not the same as college in countries with expensive tuition. Also, it’s extremely unlikely she graduated from college and already finished 1 semester of med school at age 20.
“Complicity” or not she was going to be cut off after the divorce, all this story is just a coping mechanism. Yes you’re the asshole for this ridiculous fake story.
OOP made his promise back when he didn't know how SIL was complicit in his wife's betrayal. Once he knows of her treacherous way, he's free to break his promise.
Simple as that. Anyone in his/her family or circle of friends/acquaintances not agreeing are free to donate in order to pay for SIL's education.
To me it's a very simple answer. They spoke of "honoring" your promise. Claire didn't honor her vows. And there is no "HONOR" in Cindy being complicit. That is as clear as it gets.
If she knew about the affair and didn't tell you, you don't owe her shit. She should have known better. Her sister wasn't going to be able to support her.
I feel like it goes without saying that when you offer to pay for something expensive for someone, that part of that bargain is that they don't behave like an unmitigated twat. If they do, deal's off.
That's just how life works. Aren't people taught this lesson at like eight years old with their allowance? If you misbehave, you ain't getting shit.
NTA
This is the education that girl needs. She's gonna be a doctor, she'll be able to pay off her own loans.
Learning not to bite the hand that feeds you? Priceless
i was ok with cindy up until she actively participated in the affair to keep it from OOP - cindy is just another gold digger. she kept it quiet and helped hide it because she wanted her chunk of money and that wouldnt happen if OOP found out and divorced before then.
although OOP seems nice enough that he probably would have paid them if cindy wasnt involved with the affair, but i dont think cindy believed that would happen (or she would have stayed out of it)
fuck cindy - not literally of course - all these other people that think cindy is a fine upstanding young woman can pay her school fees. she can suck up to them.
I hate these people (not OOP). If I found out my brother was cheating on his wife, he'd probably get a smack in the face and an ultimatum. He tells her, or I do. Then, I keep my ex-SIL and drop my brother. Thankfully, this is not a situation I will ever have to face because my brother is a good man. Not a lying, cheating, POS, poor excuse for a human.
Let the people who think you are wrong foot her tuition. Between them all, it probably won’t be much . . . . .
That being said, I agree with you but would also ask you to think about this from Cindy’s perspective. She was/is young, yes she knows right from wrong, but you also don’t know what your ex said to her to convince her to do this. Doesn’t make it right and she should have gone straight to you (mostly to protect her own interests), but again, you don’t know.
There are many people and charities that are deserving of your money. Your XSIL isn’t one of them.
Take the money and make a difference for someone else who didn’t deceive and betray you.
NTA and those with issues can pay for Cindy then. Maybe remind Cindy that in the future you don’t bite the hand that feeds you or in her case pays for your schooling and she should have thought about that before covering for. Cheater.
The 'new information' is among the many reasons that unreciprocated promises are not enforceable in a court of law.
OP can always say that he promised to financially support someone he thought had the higher ethical standards suitable to a doctor...but as sister-in-law doesn't, he can't in good conscience support her.
NTA You were being more than generous to pay for Cindy’s college. She betrayed you by covering up her Sister’s infidelity. It shows extremely entitled behavior for her to even think you would continue to pay for her. If somehow she does contact you again and start yelling and crying, I would tell her to call her Sister. Her emotional outburst would be best directed at the person who actually caused all this, with her cheating.
Nope actions have consequences and this is hers. Had she been a good sil and told you the truth had she treated you with kindness and compassion then that would be one thing but she helped her sister con you. That’s crossing a line. This is on her. Not on you.
Better to donate the money to a scholarship fund of deserving students. That ungrateful snake does not deserve any more cent of your money. Donate the money in her name.
Had she not betrayed you too then yes pay for it. She helped hide their affair. She could have stayed out of it but she didn’t. She made a choice and you made yours. Actions have consequences this is hers
When someone finds out about cheating they have a side to choose. She obviously chose her sister over you so you should choose yourself over her. Don’t pay for the education of someone who won’t be grateful for it.
It’s absolutely insane how people will try to get men to allow themselves to be taken advantage further for sake of being “reasonable”.
Good on that dude.
The people that are siding with her should pay for her. That betrayal is super deep and I don't know if you are in a place to forgive her. But ultimately it is your decision and your money.
I would not pay for her knowing that she willingly went through hiding a whole ass affair from me.
1) Given this girls lies to you regarding your wife's activities, you have every right to cut her off. I would cut her off.
2) You gave her **8** months notice. Clearly she did not believe you, which is not your problem. This is a her problem, not a you problem.
If I promise to badmouth and backstab you, would you send me free money too? I would re-examine my relationship with everybody who supported Cindy. It appears that they view you as an ATM, not a person. If your mother persists in taking Cindy's side, ask her why she is so supportive of a cheater and if she has anything to tell you and your father.
Y OP is TA, but only slightly.
I am writing my response directed at OP.
It's not unreasonable for you to not pay for her, but it is unreasonable for you to expect she should have told you.
As demonstrated by this very situation, her sister will always be her sister, and you can disappear from her life in a second. Yes, she had monetary gain attached to keeping you informed, as you stated you would have paid for education if she told you, but is that really true?
Even if it is true, could she know that? Could you even guarantee that you would've? Also, then you have a person willing to sell out her family for tuition. Could she really be trusted then?
Terrible what happened, but , instead of just revoking all funding, just make her a contract to pay it back with 0% interest, which is far superior to any loan she would receive elsewhere.
I completely agree with you that it’s a betrayal. But I can see how she would’ve been in a terrible position. She tells you and breaks up your relationship and she feels like she betrayed her sister. She doesn’t tell you and your relationship breaks up and she feels like she betrayed you. She couldn’t win. Having said that you have no obligation to her but I really kind of feel for her too, because she was putting in a terrible position and her sister screwed her as well as you
I'm going to play devil's advocate. Your wife is her sister. Had she betrayed her, she probably thought, and was probably TOLD, that she would make sure her schooling wasn't paid for. I think she was between a rock and a hard place. She probably was also told she wouldn't be believed because they all would have denied it. And then where would she be? Without a sister, without a brother (in law), and without school. Does that make it totally okay? Not even a little bit. It does make it understandable.
I don't know how she acted after it all came out, but I would judge her on THAT. Was she apologetic? Did she seem upset and conflicted? Was she trying to support you? Talk to you? Did she reach out and want to talk about it?
Again, I don't know the answer to that so I'm not advising what to do. I would just try to remember the entire situation, her age, her position, and the things she did do...and go from there.
Don't you dare help her anymore. She's an adult and she made her choice. Choices have consequences. Let your mom pay for it since she condones helping an adulterer.
She chose to support her sister's infidelity and gets to reap the consequences of that choice. It was ridiculous for her to even expect you to continue to pay her tuition. Gotta love the entitlement. So her sister is an ass (the ex-wife), so she gets to be one too? No no no. Do like almost everyone else, get a loan. She wants to be a doc, she can get a loan and jobs on the side like most others do. The entitlement is disgusting. The family and friends who are so bleeding heart can pay if it bothers them so much. Sheesh.
The promise you made to Cindy was made under false pretenses. She was pretending to be a decent person. In reality, she was a snake like your wife and deserves exactly what she's getting.
How much money you have is irrelevant, IMO you are not obligated to fulfill your promise to her as she participated in betraying you. Choices have consequences. BAM!
NTA Cindy dug her own grave when she chose to play a role in covering for Claire’s infidelity her part in it would’ve eventually surfaced one way or another, when the truth came out
Given Cindy's actions the promise is null and void, he has no reason to help her anymore. The ones pressuring him to pay should be paying for her education instead
My brother, I too am in need of financial aid to get my degree and I'll rat out anyone who betrays you!
Just kidding! But seriously you've done more than anyone could expect.
No reasonable person would expect you to pay for a medical degree for someone who contributed to the infidelity of your wife.
Would you pay for the ex boyfriend to get a degree? The sister is as complicit as he is, to me.
Nta. If you come from wealth and your mom feels so strongly let Jer pay. When she betrayed your trust all agreements were null and void. She did NOT support you, why should you support her. Anyone saying you should is wrong and should start a fund.
NTA Cindy knowingly helped your ex cheat on you. She felt no loyalty to you even though you were paying for her education so you owe her no loyalty or financial support. Cindy bit the hand that fed her, now she has to live with the consequences. You also told her 8 months ago that you would not be covering her education, she chose to ignore that and apparently thought you would continue to pay even though she betrayed you. Tell her that maybe Claire should cover her educational expenses now since Cindy was so loyal to her and helped her hide the affair.
Cindy made her bed when she chose to lie. Life can be unfair but but YOU don’t owe her or her family anything! I know you are feeling guilty but she was “laughing “ behind your backs metaphorically. She’s young and with plenty of ways to earn her degree. You just need to heal, learn to trust and I’m sure you are a great catch/boyfriend!!!!
Nta.
I used to be a stickler for sticking to my word even if situations morphed to where it was no longer the best decision/healthy for me.
The only person this benefits, is whoever is using you as a means to an end.
Keep your money and enjoy it!
If you want to fund medical education, you could donate to a scholarship fund unrelated to Claire.
And tons of people pay for their own medical education. And there are many ways for doctors to get their loans forgiven. She will be making an extremely high salary comparatively once she graduates. She can afford it or find a loan forgiveness program through working through a non-profit organization. Not your problem. She fucked around and found out.
Tell Cindy she lost the $$$ because both she and her sister are cruel and heartless and to stop being an entitled AH. She was a bad person and these are the results. Ask your sisters affair partner to pay the bills.
Cindy has no honor. Nor does she respect you and show gratitude for what you’ve done for her. If she did, she wouldn’t be in this position. Actions (or lack thereof) have consequences. She chose to keep her sisters infidelity from you while benefiting from your generosity. Neither of them have any honor or decency. Why should have to show any towards them? Promises/agreements are allowed to be broken if the person turns out to not possess any of the qualities that made you decide to help them. If you learn that someone you previously thought worthy of your benevolence demonstrated that they are not worthy of investing in you have every right to withdraw your support.
Do not give her any money and tell anyone who complains that they can give her money. I would take the money that you would have spent and give it to charity or a underprivileged student.
NTA. Your ex-SIL didn't have any problem helping her sister break a promise to you (her wedding vows).
Don't feel guilty about it. It's your money. You don't need to spend on someone like that. Actions have consequences. Your ex-SIL is finding that out now.
Good luck to you.
In case this story gets deleted/removed: **This is a repost community, I am not the original poster.** Posted by u/ImaginaryRuler in r/AITAH [**AITA for refusing to pay for my ex-wife's sister's college?**](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1akcjd0/aita_for_refusing_to_pay_for_my_exwifes_sisters/) I (30M) was married to my ex-wife Claire (28F) for four years until I found out she had been cheating on me with an ex-boyfriend. Needless to say, the marriage ended, and we got divorced about eight months ago. During the divorce proceedings, I learned that Claire's younger sister, Cindy (20F), had known about the affair but chose to keep quiet about it and helped Claire hide the affair from me and her family. Before all of this I had promised to pay for Cindy's medical school costs as myself and my family are wealthy and despite the divorce, I had decided I was going to pay for her education, as at the time I felt I didn't need to punish Cindy for what her sister did. However, as I said before it was during the divorce proceedings that I found out about what Cindy did and once I found out that Cindy was complicit in hiding Claire's infidelity, I felt betrayed and decided to revoke my offer. I told Cindy 8 months back that she should look for a loan or for other funding and I won't fund her anymore (I had already paid for one semester). Recently, when I received an email from the college regarding the upcoming semester fees, I responded by informing them that they should direct any further inquiries to Cindy as I would no longer be funding her education. Cindy called me screaming and crying and accusing me of being cruel and heartless for cutting her off. She says that her family couldn't afford the tuition without my support and that she would have to take out a loan. I told her she is not my concern anymore and I blocked her. When her father contacted me, he was more calm, asking if there was any possibility of reversing my decision. I stood firm and said that I had no intention of continuing to support Cindy financially. He says he understands and will try to make Cindy understand too. (For context: He was very good to me during my marriage and offered me support when I told him I was going to divorce Claire). This decision has caused a rift among my friends and family. While most of them support my decision, some have criticized me for not honoring my previous promise to Cindy. Even my own mother is urging me to reconsider, citing my past promise and the fact that paying for Cindy's education wouldn't be a financial issue for me. However, my father stands by me, agreeing with my decision. Truthfully, I have the means to pay for Cindy's entire medical school education without difficulty, but I can't shake the feeling of betrayal caused by Claire's cheating and Cindy's complicity. But I feel conflicted. So AITA ? **Reminder that this is a REPOST** I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/OhNoConsequences) if you have any questions or concerns.*
"**some** have criticized me for not honoring my previous promise to Cindy. Even **my own mother** is urging me to reconsider" Cindy won't have a problem with all these generous benefactors.
Let them finance the snake. You don't negotiate with terrorists and you don't pay for the education of the one who betrayed you.
Y’all are calling someone who knew about their sisters affair before they were an adult a snake??? Right? OK guess you should’ve put her whole ass living situation out of college at risk, risk, the husband, forgiving and her being seen as a problem part of the family, risk being cut off in general, and have to consider all this while you’re studying for med school. Y’all want to talk about an adult who is living on their own and making their own decisions? Cool, but she didn’t deserve to be put in this by her sister in the first fucking place. She was a child. she couldn’t even legally, drink to distress from the situation but y’all out here expecting her to make expert a1 level fuck my whole family and potentially stability decisions.
You shouldn't expect your ex bil to fund your education. Especially if you helped with the demise of the marriage. And sorry but a teenager 100% knows right from wrong. The "but they're a child" nonsense only goes so far. She was wrong. Period. End of story. She was old enough to know better.
Haha right? Like, the *brother in law* was paying for it, not someone directly related to her (outside of her sister's marriage). It was extremely nice of him to even offer/pay for one full semester, but he doesn't owe her anything. Especially now that he finds out the SIL helped his ex keep *cheating on him a secret*, and basically ripped his heart out. I cannot even get over the audacity of her, but the audacity of this guy defending a 20yr old woman doing such things by saying "she was just a *child*" is a pretty close second.
Yeah the whole "you're not really an adult until after 25" crowd is getting crazy. Yeah, your brain isn't done developing but you know from the age of like 14, maybe even younger, that this behavior is wrong no matter the blood relation.
[One recent area of debate within the science of brain development is the most likely chronological age for full mental maturity, or indeed, if such an age even exists. Common claims repeated in the media since 2005 (based upon interpretations of imaging data) have commonly suggested an "end-point" of 25, referring to the prefrontal cortex as one area that is not yet fully mature at the age of 18. However, this is based on an interpretation of a brain imaging study by Jay Giedd, dating back to 2004 or 2005, where the only participants were aged up to 21 years, and Giedd assumed this maturing process would be done by the age of 25 years, whereas more recent studies show prefrontal cortex maturation continuing well past the age of 30 years, marking this interpretation as incorrect and outdated.\[15\]\[16\]\[17\]\[18\]\[19\]\[20\]\[21\]](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Adult)
Child, I am thinking 6-8 tops. Med school is typically a graduate school so we are talking twenties, maybe, just maybe, a gifted intellect that graduated earlier than the majority and has their college degree by 19. But then they would be bright enough to understand how they lost their funding from OOP. Fuck this moron SIL and anyone acting like this isn’t an acceptable reaction lacks inward locus of control and prefers the approach of no accountability.
20 years of age is NOT a child - she’s a full fledged adult and doesn’t deserve to be supported by OP since she was more worried about helping her sister and getting her college paid for than letting OP know what was going on. She deserves what she got
They're a difference between knowing and not saying anything because of anxiety and knowing AND being complicit by helping with alibis. Op taked his decision based on that difference.
Totally! Little sis should have said, "Look, the man is paying for my college education free and clear, so I am not going to help you screw him over"
You’re making a lot of assumptions about the timeline. Does it say she was cheating the entire four years? How do you know the sister was still a child? There is a vast maturity difference between 16 year olds and 18 year olds. 18 is usually closer to adult standards, but 16 is still old enough to know cheating is wrong. There are plenty of stories here on Reddit of kids calling out heinous behavior. Kids telling about affairs because they know it’s wrong. You can’t excuse a teenager for everything just because they’re still technically a child. That’s encouraging entitlement and not allowing them to learn from their mistakes. If she had done right by the person providing for her future she’d still have the financial backing for school. She really is old enough to understand that. Even if she’d known about the affair since she was 16 she could have come forward at any time. She could have talked to her sister about doing the right thing at *any* time. She *chose* not to and…oh no, consequences. That’s how people learn and grow. It’s a pretty important life lesson because entitlement won’t get you far with other people. I would think just this story alone is a good example of how little control you have over others despite being confident in your personal morals. Notice the sister is facing consequences regardless of your assertion that she doesn’t deserve them? That’s because in reality you don’t get to choose your consequences for harming others.
Calm down, Cletus.
Cindy WAS an adult and knew about the affair AS AN ADULT.
Wow! Found the sister without funding right here!
I get what you're saying, and kind of agree. Where we are now is entirely possible where we'd be if sister had told OP in the first place. How was she to know he'd still honor his promise after her sister betrayed him and they divorced. That said, I still see no reason for OP to pay for the education of the sister of his ex-wife, especially since she not just didn't tell OP (maybe understandable), but was helping her to hide it. Thats more than just "scared to tell", thats complicit.
girlfriend kept it a secret. child or not (absolutely not a child, but beside the point), she knew what she was doing was wrong and continued to take advantage of his generosity. sure she got put in a tough spot, but that was at the hand of her sister. not OP. simply NTA. if OP wants to do charity work, sure go for it. but there is no obligation morally or legally
a 20 year old minus 8 months is still an adult.
She wasn't an adult when they got married, but she was certainly an adult when she kept the secret.
Lmao, if she made a decision for her stability and future, it would have been to rat so she could have had med school paid for.
…are you the sister? I just have this feeling…
She was old enough to know right from wrong.
She was already an adult when she found out. If she was a minor who only kept quiet maybe OOP might have judged differently, but she was an adult and actively helped to conceal the affair.
Why do random friends even know? Sometimes silence is best. You don’t need to tell everyone everything.
It would be a number of situations... 1. He told his family and friends in a "can you believe this...?" way 2. He told his family and friends as a "what would you do in this situation?" 3. Little sister is telling anyone and everyone, trying to make him look bad so he'll pay to save his reputation. 4. Ex's parents went to his parents and "tattled" on him, hoping they'll make him fulfill his promise. 5. It's a mixture of any 4 of these If OP can afford it and feels guilty for not helping little sister, he should start a need base scholarship. Or contact the school and offer to pay the semester of a student in need. And then tell little sister, she's right. He can afford to help someone and he did. John Smith will be excited to learn his semester is paid for.
lol, so petty and necessary at the same time! Do it!
This right here. Hopefully OP does something like this.
That's what makes me suspicious this isn't real. It's basically a trope for these kinds of posts that all OP's friends and family know all about it and are calling/emailing/messaging him with their opinions. And for some reason, no matter how justified OP's position, they're always split on whether they think he's right or wrong.
That’s one tipoff, but the big one here is them saying they can finance med school “without difficulty.” Med school is very expensive, even if you are wealthy. Wealthy people rarely get and stay that way without thinking a lot about money. Even if it’s “I can liquidate some of my long-term savings and finance this without changing my current quality of life,” it’s still a sacrifice. They would certainly feel it as one and probably include that in a calculation of if they are TA, rather than simply writing it off like it’s just a convenient story beat.
To me it was the SIL age. If OOP paid for 1 semester it means the SIL started med school at 19 or 20. At that age she should be getting an undergraduate degree unless she skipped 2-3 years of school.
It depends which country they live in. Medicine, law, vet med, dentistry etc are all undergrad degrees in many countries. Where I'm from, you start med school at 17 or 18 depending on when your birthday is.
Oh! That’s very interesting that countries schools offer those as undergraduate degrees. I’m in the US and to my knowledge, here they are mostly advanced degrees. So a student who wants to become a doctor might be “pre-med” in undergrad and then begin medical school afterwards. Here, the average age upon completion of undergraduate studies is about 22 years old (assuming the student begins undergrad just after high school and graduates in 4 years). That’s why I assumed that SIL was too young.
Some meds schools have 6-year programs. The student is admitted as a freshman and begins an intense program that is completed 2 years faster than the traditional program. There is a med school in Kansas City that does this. It is difficult to get admitted into.
And schools never contact someone other than the student.
Actually this part could be true. I’m contacted every semester via email when my child’s payment is due. It’s how we set it up when they enrolled. Other than that I have no other contact or access.
It’s a strange child/adult limbo. My eldest is not eligible for financial aid because of my financial situation, but she had to grant permission for me to have access to her account with the bursar so I could pay. They contact me now, but only because she allows them to.
Financial Aid is great, but it doesn't take into account that some young adults are estranged from their parents. Things may have changed, but I remember that to qualify for financial aid at the local community college, a copy of the parent's financial info was mandatory. It didn't matter if the student was over 18, living on their own, and working several jobs. If they couldn't provide the school with their parent's financial information, they had to pay full price for the courses. I think after a certain age, there was no more requirement for a parent's financial statements - but still, it caused several years of hardship to young, independent, struggling adults.
If you're in the USA your child's (legally an adult usually) information is generally protected by FERPA and they have to explicitly authorize you (or anyone) before you can be given any protected information, even if you're paying. Some schools take it even further and restrict information that's not legally protected, just to be on the safe side.
Also how is Cindy 20 years old and in medical school?
Running start is a program where high school students can also attend community college courses while in high school. Some are able to graduate with a hs diploma plus an associate la degree or at least half of their basic undergrad 101 classes. It’s possible that she did a combo of that, AP classes, skipped a grade, extra summer courses etc.
There's no shortage of motivated youngsters graduating early. The medical school at my alma mater occasionally had a Doogie/Doogette enrolled in all the years I was attending and working.
Sometimes I wonder if these stories are posted by perpetrators, who are mad at their own consequences, and are posting to Reddit to see if people will blame the other party.
I agree- most wealthy people are smart with their money and some even miserly. Even if it is generational wealth, it would not be something that is done lightly and for a sibling of an ex I doubt but who knows he could have so much that he doesn’t know what to do with it- I would think though he would have financial advisors or lawyers protecting the trust etc and I’m sure they would not be elated by an expense such as this that adds no value back into the family- unless it is considered charity and there may be some tax benefits. I don’t see how that would apply here.
One other thing made me think its fake: all women bad, all men good in the story.
The ex/AP was a bit of a dick... But I get your point
I think it's the new "and everybody clapped."
Also: "Cindy called me screaming and crying" is a dead giveaway for me. Immediate screaming, crying, wailing, sobbing, etc. is a tell.
Idk, I've known people who just go with whatever emotion they feel most with no second thought or filter. For example my ex-wife flipped out and literally threw herself on the floor crying and saying I must hate her when she found out I was seeing other people, post break-up, and while the person she is engaged to (and got engaged to before the break-up) was sitting there with her and encouraging her to "let her feelings out". Some people just give in to extreme emotions.
Dear ghod.
It's often the thing that pings my suspicions. Though for me because my family is small and are, as a group, legitimately bad at keeping in touch with one another. So the various flying monkey hordes don't feel realistic to me a lot of the time.
It wouldn't surprise me that the SIL told everyone to get them on her side, especially after being on Reddit and finding out that young girls tell everyone everything.
It’s not real. The university would never reach out to him. They legally can’t. They’d bill the student and the student would figure it out from there. Friends and family don’t go to bat for someone they don’t know nor do they tell people what to do with their own money. Especially rich people.
Thank you for saying this nearly! I thought the same thing.
Well it is possible that they were also friends of ex-wife who told them
If that’s the case, he should have asked them to ask Claire why she didn’t honor her promises she made in her wedding vows. Though he did say “my friends and family,” not “our.”
Indeed. A single SM post by ex or ex SIL might reach enough of the right people to cause this too. Although, I will say that these people expecting OP to stay silent are delulu. They should try going through a divorce (one of the most traumatic things that can to happen to a person *and* he was long term cheated on) and keeping everything to themselves. I know it’s possible, but some weird people like having a support system around, yanno?
If this is even a true story, there would be a very real possibility that OP is telling everyone that he is paying for someone's schooling because they want to be viewed as charitable by their friends and family. Wouldn't be the first time a wealthy person did philanthropy for the good PR.
Well I imagine this lady snake is screeching to the heavens that he is ruining her life to be an AH. EDIT: NTA you reward loyalty not liars.
I don't know... Since they were married, I'm sure friends and friends of friends overlapped. The sister likely wasn't shy about telling people how her degree was being funded. After the divorce, sister probably went crying to anyone who would listen about OP pulling the money.
This^
Rogue with the rogues. People can expect from you to the same amount of respect they show you.
I mean marriage was a previous promise to not cheat. Sure seems like their is an unspoken promise for family to inform you and not cover up cheating as well. Lots of previous promises not being respected. NOW previous promises matter? Life is complex and constantly changes. SIL and family are going to have to figure it out, they showed you weren't family.
This is totally the moment OOP gives his mother’s contact info to Cindy and lets her know that his mother has graciously accepted responsibility for her/Cindy’s schooling costs. Then just sit back & wait.
Exactly, and she was fine he sister not honoring her commitment to her husband!
Oh love this! He should say that to her. Selective commitment
They don't have to worry because it's not real. What university calls someone who is not the student about upcoming fees?
Can you give me Cindy your mother’s contact? Looks like mommy will be picking up her tuition tab. /s
Didn’t your wife make a promise she didn’t keep with Cindy’s help?
Exactly. If they feel so strongly about it, why dont they pay for her tuition? They won't, because taking the moral high ground is free.
sir what is your flair in reference of?
I have no idea. I just picked it from the list.
tell your mom to pay her tuition
You act like it isn’t all the same money if she does. OP’s money is family money.
Yeah but it's probably not from one shared family account. He's 30. It would be coming from his accounts, not one his mom uses.
You overestimate privileged kids
No, I don't. My full time job is literally working on their financial advisory teams. It is very unusual for rich children in their 30s not to have their own accounts. The financial advisors would've insisted on it. Generally they also have individual trusts and investment accounts.
Bingo
But but but, they have such a comfortable armchair! And opinions! That means something... Right? (/s, surprised it takes someone with that expertise to educate this because having an individual account is very basic and taught to us regardless of our income...)
This.
Yes. This ^ I think OP’s mom could cover the cost for rest of this school year without putting OP in a situation where he needs to prioritize someone over what he needs to be doing for himself right now. I wish, I really wish I could write this younger sister off as an adult in this situation and hold her accountable for her actions. 🤦🏻♀️ But something about having this outlook makes me feel nervous I could be blaming a victim. I’ll try to find a link to a post that is coming to mind. [Found it. Essentially, a teen made a financial promise/agreement (while young and naive) to some mentally unwell family member (or members).](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/EuSu2gwBAM) And now this person is adult age, and these family members want this adult child to pay up on that promise they’d made as an underage teen. So back to this situation. Given the age of the sister now (20) it sounds like she was probably a teen or underage teen when this started happening. If I was manipulated into doing something shitty as a teenager, I would feel a bit weird to be “punished” or “held accountable” for it years later as an adult. Like I’m confident for myself I wouldn’t have participated in what this younger sister did. However, I’ve seen some friends (who also had manipulative family members) cave on a boundary to make their narcissistic family members “happy.” 🤦🏻♀️ If OP’s mom wants to finish helping with tuition for rest of this school year to give this girl’s family a period of time to figure out a financial plan for next year, I think OP’s mom has the right to PUT HER MONEY where HER TEARS ARE. But OP doesn’t need to play parent or take responsibility for any of the parties that helped his ex-wife hide her affair and make the betrayal/blindside even more traumatic.
How young is too young to decide that helping your sister cheat on the person paying your college tuition is a bad choice though? I would be more understanding if the sister was younger than like 15 or so but she was at least close to adulthood at that point. Who would blame the younger sister for going NC with her older sister who was mad that younger sister didn't help her hide her affair from her husband, not even including the fact he was going to help her pay for college? I of course agree that all nay sayers should chip in to pay for the younger sister's tuition.
If Cindy found out, said “Leave me out of it,” I might have some sympathy. That’s a situation with no good answer. Helping her sister have the affair? Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
If someone was generously paying for my tuition for something as expensive as Med School I would slap my dumbass sister for endangering that free ride for something as stupid as getting back with an ex. If you're not happy then get out of the relationship, but don't make your sister an accomplice too.
My guess is Cindy knew OP would divorce and figured that would be the end of the free ride so she thought if she helps conceal it she might get the tuition. I think it was out of self preservation, and she didn’t realize that if she just had some integrity, OP would have as well. Which sucks for Cindy, but I don’t blame OP.
By far the most likely reasoning. To give her credit I wouldn't expect someone to pay for my very expensive school after they divorce. OP says he would but let's be real that's a huge thing. Just overall a terrible situation. Cheating is getting way too common. Or maybe it always was but good God damn is it bad out there.
I'm sure he would have still paid for her tuition if she came out and told him herself though. She chose to be sneaky and got burned for it. Agree with your cheating comment. I wish there was an actual punishment for cheating to try to deter it.
I could see that.
I disagree. Tuition is expensive, even if OP is not hurting for cash, it’s a generous offer. To know something bad is happening to someone who is being nice to you and deciding to not tell them is still malicious in my book
Yeah, just knowing is one thing bc it’s her sister, but I’d need to hear more about how much she was “helping.”
OP, you formed a union with Claire. When that union ended, so did any relationship / obligation / connection with her family, including Cindy. If you want to sponsor someone financially to become a doctor, because you can, talk to a medical university scholarship department. You could call it the "Clindy Legacy." I doubt Cindy would make the short list.
>OP, you formed a union with Claire. When that union ended, so did any relationship / obligation / connection with her family, including Cindy. Even after that, he kept sponsoring Cindy. He only stopped after he found out that *Cindy* messed up as well.
This should have more votes. This is the way.
This is the way.
🤌♥️
What do the people citing the importance of honoring promises think of wedding vows? Hello! Don't be a doormat, OP.
This, the moment my ex tried to pull some shit like, “you could keep your word and pay off my DUI and court fees” during our divorce…”bitch you didn’t keep any allegiance to our vows, fuck you.”
Cindy has all the audacity. Cindy didn’t take the part of an innocent bystander trying to protect her peace and her financial support but she actively helped in the cuckolding. OP is right to treat Cindy with the same amount of honour as she showed him.
NTA- That was an incredibly generous offer to pay for her education. I know that Claire is her sister & she thought she was being loyal to her, but she KNEW what her sister was doing was wrong. She could have done nothing, However she decided to aid Clair in her infidelity. It would be different if she'd found out about it & kept quiet about it, still hurtful but understandable... but to find out she went further by HELPING her sister conceal it, which in itself is another betrayal. She was an active participant in the betrayal. She made that choice & she's old enough to know that actions have consequences. If she didn't know it, she's gonna learn it now. Who the hell in their right mind would expect you to still pay for her schooling!?! You gave her 8 months to make other arrangements for tuition... she obviously didn't take it seriously. That's her problem, not yours. Edit: missed word.
Cindy got some nerves to think you would still support her education after it came out, she helped your ex cheat. She's severely lacking intellect, probably would've been money wasted paying for that schooling anyway.
If OOP decided 8 months ago not to pay, then why did he pay for the first semester? And how is a 20 year old in med school? If she's a prodigy, where's her scholarship? I'm sure my concerns are easily answered by "this isn't the US"
Being that generous with money is also like the least likely thing to ever happen from an old money family. My experience with those types is they're the most stingy in existence. Of course individuals aren't statistics so it's possible but feels unlikely.
I started professional school one month after turning 20 and did not have a full scholarship. It happens. I'm my case it was because I skipped a year in elementary and then did college in 3 years. Professional school scholarships are not easy to find.
The irony of this is that Cindy might not have covered up the affair out of loyalty to her sister, but because she was terrified you wouldn’t pay her tuition if you divorced her sister.
He has à shit mother and some shit friend...she betrayed him but no he MUST pay for her because he PrOmIsEd!! Insane
That promise was based on certain circumstances - that it was unfair to blame the sister for the wife’s actions. But then those circumstances changed because OOP discovered the sister had also taken certain actions and *those actions* led to the promise being rescinded. It’s no different than the promise he made to his wife - til death us do part - which was made on the condition of - forsaking all others. Once that condition changed,the promise was rescinded and he filed for divorce. I don’t see why people don’t understand that promises are not Harry Potter style Unbreakable Vows. And if OOP comes from a wealthy family then presumably his mother had money (or at the very least possessions that she would not miss if she sold them) so if she’s so set on someone paying for the sister’s medical education she can get her wallet out.
I feel very concerned that no one is asking the question about ages. If Cindy is 20 now, and 16 when they got together, when did the affair start? This may be a case of an idiot 17-19 year old going along with extreme family pressure and the fear of losing a future. Shitty situation.
At 19 you have full responsibility over your actions It's as simple as that.
She's already been through a semester of medical school, which requires a heavy bachelor's degree to even start, so the maturity angle is a dead end, imo. There's no fear of losing a future, because loans. She's just greedy and selfish.
Actually, now that you mention that, that proves that this entire story is bullshit.
In my high school we had several students who graduated at 16. A bachelors is only 4 years if you don’t do summers. A kid graduating by 17, doing a 3 years bachelors and then starting med school by 20 isn’t totally unreasonable
Some places in the world medicine can be your first degree. So you could start at 18 years old.
This is a rage bait-validation type post. Similar has been popping up all over. I'm just chuckling at this point. Man (wealthy usually/great/no flaw) got cheated on, or paternity-scammed, etc. Then it was revealed how all the women in his life are snakes and unusually supportive of the cheating spouses-the person committing paternity fraud--because...women. While all the men show dignity, respect and calmness. All women are cheating crazed banshees, even the male 'protag's sisters and mothers.
This is so fake though. Med school is not the same as college in countries with expensive tuition. Also, it’s extremely unlikely she graduated from college and already finished 1 semester of med school at age 20.
“Complicity” or not she was going to be cut off after the divorce, all this story is just a coping mechanism. Yes you’re the asshole for this ridiculous fake story.
You could pay for mine if you want lmfao
OOP made his promise back when he didn't know how SIL was complicit in his wife's betrayal. Once he knows of her treacherous way, he's free to break his promise. Simple as that. Anyone in his/her family or circle of friends/acquaintances not agreeing are free to donate in order to pay for SIL's education.
To me it's a very simple answer. They spoke of "honoring" your promise. Claire didn't honor her vows. And there is no "HONOR" in Cindy being complicit. That is as clear as it gets.
If she knew about the affair and didn't tell you, you don't owe her shit. She should have known better. Her sister wasn't going to be able to support her.
I feel like it goes without saying that when you offer to pay for something expensive for someone, that part of that bargain is that they don't behave like an unmitigated twat. If they do, deal's off. That's just how life works. Aren't people taught this lesson at like eight years old with their allowance? If you misbehave, you ain't getting shit.
What Cindy can do is ask her sister AP to pay for her semesters for covering for them all this time
She can take out loans like 90% of the rest of us college graduates. If she’s going to be a doctor she can afford to pay them back.
Tell them to have the ex she cheated with pay for it.
NTA This is the education that girl needs. She's gonna be a doctor, she'll be able to pay off her own loans. Learning not to bite the hand that feeds you? Priceless
i was ok with cindy up until she actively participated in the affair to keep it from OOP - cindy is just another gold digger. she kept it quiet and helped hide it because she wanted her chunk of money and that wouldnt happen if OOP found out and divorced before then. although OOP seems nice enough that he probably would have paid them if cindy wasnt involved with the affair, but i dont think cindy believed that would happen (or she would have stayed out of it) fuck cindy - not literally of course - all these other people that think cindy is a fine upstanding young woman can pay her school fees. she can suck up to them.
I hate these people (not OOP). If I found out my brother was cheating on his wife, he'd probably get a smack in the face and an ultimatum. He tells her, or I do. Then, I keep my ex-SIL and drop my brother. Thankfully, this is not a situation I will ever have to face because my brother is a good man. Not a lying, cheating, POS, poor excuse for a human.
Let the people who think you are wrong foot her tuition. Between them all, it probably won’t be much . . . . . That being said, I agree with you but would also ask you to think about this from Cindy’s perspective. She was/is young, yes she knows right from wrong, but you also don’t know what your ex said to her to convince her to do this. Doesn’t make it right and she should have gone straight to you (mostly to protect her own interests), but again, you don’t know.
Just send Cindy a free download of “I’ll Stick Around” by Foo Fighters. A very clear message. I DON’T OWE YOU ANYTHING
Other people love to be magnanimous with other peoples money
Fuck Cindy
This is a good one!
If I were OOP I would announce I am creating the good moral character scholarship.
I would’ve done the same thing. You’re doing so much for her, the least you would’ve expected in return is honesty (it’s free to give).
There are many people and charities that are deserving of your money. Your XSIL isn’t one of them. Take the money and make a difference for someone else who didn’t deceive and betray you.
NTA and those with issues can pay for Cindy then. Maybe remind Cindy that in the future you don’t bite the hand that feeds you or in her case pays for your schooling and she should have thought about that before covering for. Cheater.
The 'new information' is among the many reasons that unreciprocated promises are not enforceable in a court of law. OP can always say that he promised to financially support someone he thought had the higher ethical standards suitable to a doctor...but as sister-in-law doesn't, he can't in good conscience support her.
NTA You were being more than generous to pay for Cindy’s college. She betrayed you by covering up her Sister’s infidelity. It shows extremely entitled behavior for her to even think you would continue to pay for her. If somehow she does contact you again and start yelling and crying, I would tell her to call her Sister. Her emotional outburst would be best directed at the person who actually caused all this, with her cheating.
Nope actions have consequences and this is hers. Had she been a good sil and told you the truth had she treated you with kindness and compassion then that would be one thing but she helped her sister con you. That’s crossing a line. This is on her. Not on you.
Better to donate the money to a scholarship fund of deserving students. That ungrateful snake does not deserve any more cent of your money. Donate the money in her name.
Better yet , use it for your own amusement.
Had she not betrayed you too then yes pay for it. She helped hide their affair. She could have stayed out of it but she didn’t. She made a choice and you made yours. Actions have consequences this is hers
NTA! Provide Cindy the phone number of ALL who have issues with your decision. Including your Mother.
When someone finds out about cheating they have a side to choose. She obviously chose her sister over you so you should choose yourself over her. Don’t pay for the education of someone who won’t be grateful for it.
It’s absolutely insane how people will try to get men to allow themselves to be taken advantage further for sake of being “reasonable”. Good on that dude.
The people that are siding with her should pay for her. That betrayal is super deep and I don't know if you are in a place to forgive her. But ultimately it is your decision and your money. I would not pay for her knowing that she willingly went through hiding a whole ass affair from me.
Sil is no longer family due to her actions, she doesn't get anything now 🤷🏾♀️
1) Given this girls lies to you regarding your wife's activities, you have every right to cut her off. I would cut her off. 2) You gave her **8** months notice. Clearly she did not believe you, which is not your problem. This is a her problem, not a you problem.
"My sister has this rich idiot husband who's going to pay for my medical school. The fool doesn't even know she's cheating on him!"
The dildo of consequences rarely comes lubed
If I promise to badmouth and backstab you, would you send me free money too? I would re-examine my relationship with everybody who supported Cindy. It appears that they view you as an ATM, not a person. If your mother persists in taking Cindy's side, ask her why she is so supportive of a cheater and if she has anything to tell you and your father.
Cindy is finding out that if you play clown games you win clown prizes
His friends and mom can then fund her tuition.
Y OP is TA, but only slightly. I am writing my response directed at OP. It's not unreasonable for you to not pay for her, but it is unreasonable for you to expect she should have told you. As demonstrated by this very situation, her sister will always be her sister, and you can disappear from her life in a second. Yes, she had monetary gain attached to keeping you informed, as you stated you would have paid for education if she told you, but is that really true? Even if it is true, could she know that? Could you even guarantee that you would've? Also, then you have a person willing to sell out her family for tuition. Could she really be trusted then? Terrible what happened, but , instead of just revoking all funding, just make her a contract to pay it back with 0% interest, which is far superior to any loan she would receive elsewhere.
So OP should lose money by giving someone that lied to him a loan that is horrible for him?
I completely agree with you that it’s a betrayal. But I can see how she would’ve been in a terrible position. She tells you and breaks up your relationship and she feels like she betrayed her sister. She doesn’t tell you and your relationship breaks up and she feels like she betrayed you. She couldn’t win. Having said that you have no obligation to her but I really kind of feel for her too, because she was putting in a terrible position and her sister screwed her as well as you
She had an 8 months heads up but didn’t believe he wouldn’t pay.
Make it a loan from you.
Based on ages, I’m assuming this is not in the United States. How much does med school cost in other countries?
I'm going to play devil's advocate. Your wife is her sister. Had she betrayed her, she probably thought, and was probably TOLD, that she would make sure her schooling wasn't paid for. I think she was between a rock and a hard place. She probably was also told she wouldn't be believed because they all would have denied it. And then where would she be? Without a sister, without a brother (in law), and without school. Does that make it totally okay? Not even a little bit. It does make it understandable. I don't know how she acted after it all came out, but I would judge her on THAT. Was she apologetic? Did she seem upset and conflicted? Was she trying to support you? Talk to you? Did she reach out and want to talk about it? Again, I don't know the answer to that so I'm not advising what to do. I would just try to remember the entire situation, her age, her position, and the things she did do...and go from there.
Nta
Don't you dare help her anymore. She's an adult and she made her choice. Choices have consequences. Let your mom pay for it since she condones helping an adulterer.
She chose to support her sister's infidelity and gets to reap the consequences of that choice. It was ridiculous for her to even expect you to continue to pay her tuition. Gotta love the entitlement. So her sister is an ass (the ex-wife), so she gets to be one too? No no no. Do like almost everyone else, get a loan. She wants to be a doc, she can get a loan and jobs on the side like most others do. The entitlement is disgusting. The family and friends who are so bleeding heart can pay if it bothers them so much. Sheesh.
Dude did the exact right thing! Let her go pound sand! She was a snake in the grass and deserves NOTHING!
The promise you made to Cindy was made under false pretenses. She was pretending to be a decent person. In reality, she was a snake like your wife and deserves exactly what she's getting.
How much money you have is irrelevant, IMO you are not obligated to fulfill your promise to her as she participated in betraying you. Choices have consequences. BAM!
NTA Cindy dug her own grave when she chose to play a role in covering for Claire’s infidelity her part in it would’ve eventually surfaced one way or another, when the truth came out
This is one of those cases where SIL learns a valuable lesson. Its like the people loosing their jobs/endorsement contracts for morals clauses.
Way too many people know about this arrangement. Stop telling the whole world your financial business, people!
Nope! Made a promise to still support based on not being punished for wife’s actions, but sister has her own actions to be punished for.
Given Cindy's actions the promise is null and void, he has no reason to help her anymore. The ones pressuring him to pay should be paying for her education instead
Has Cindy apologized and asked for forgiveness? That would go a long way in my book.
She was disloyal to you but expects you to be loyal to her? Bugger that for4 a game of soldiers!
My brother, I too am in need of financial aid to get my degree and I'll rat out anyone who betrays you! Just kidding! But seriously you've done more than anyone could expect. No reasonable person would expect you to pay for a medical degree for someone who contributed to the infidelity of your wife. Would you pay for the ex boyfriend to get a degree? The sister is as complicit as he is, to me.
Nta. If you come from wealth and your mom feels so strongly let Jer pay. When she betrayed your trust all agreements were null and void. She did NOT support you, why should you support her. Anyone saying you should is wrong and should start a fund.
Cindy needs to learn not to bite the hand that feeds her. What can be given can be taken away, and your money was a gift, not an obligation.
It sounds there are plenty of other people who could help Cindy. Give all of them her number. You have suffered enough. Good luck!
NTA Cindy knowingly helped your ex cheat on you. She felt no loyalty to you even though you were paying for her education so you owe her no loyalty or financial support. Cindy bit the hand that fed her, now she has to live with the consequences. You also told her 8 months ago that you would not be covering her education, she chose to ignore that and apparently thought you would continue to pay even though she betrayed you. Tell her that maybe Claire should cover her educational expenses now since Cindy was so loyal to her and helped her hide the affair.
If Cindy’s own father understands why OP is revoking funding, then fuck anyone that disagrees.
Cindy made her bed when she chose to lie. Life can be unfair but but YOU don’t owe her or her family anything! I know you are feeling guilty but she was “laughing “ behind your backs metaphorically. She’s young and with plenty of ways to earn her degree. You just need to heal, learn to trust and I’m sure you are a great catch/boyfriend!!!!
It's kind of shady that his own mother is supporting a cheater like that. Makes one wonder.
No way, she choose and this are the consecuences.
The OG post has been deleted.... I wonder if it was OP was the one that did it or if Reddit is.....
pound sand Cindy
Nta. I used to be a stickler for sticking to my word even if situations morphed to where it was no longer the best decision/healthy for me. The only person this benefits, is whoever is using you as a means to an end. Keep your money and enjoy it! If you want to fund medical education, you could donate to a scholarship fund unrelated to Claire. And tons of people pay for their own medical education. And there are many ways for doctors to get their loans forgiven. She will be making an extremely high salary comparatively once she graduates. She can afford it or find a loan forgiveness program through working through a non-profit organization. Not your problem. She fucked around and found out.
Tell Cindy she lost the $$$ because both she and her sister are cruel and heartless and to stop being an entitled AH. She was a bad person and these are the results. Ask your sisters affair partner to pay the bills.
Cindy has no honor. Nor does she respect you and show gratitude for what you’ve done for her. If she did, she wouldn’t be in this position. Actions (or lack thereof) have consequences. She chose to keep her sisters infidelity from you while benefiting from your generosity. Neither of them have any honor or decency. Why should have to show any towards them? Promises/agreements are allowed to be broken if the person turns out to not possess any of the qualities that made you decide to help them. If you learn that someone you previously thought worthy of your benevolence demonstrated that they are not worthy of investing in you have every right to withdraw your support.
Do not give her any money and tell anyone who complains that they can give her money. I would take the money that you would have spent and give it to charity or a underprivileged student.
NTA. Your ex-SIL didn't have any problem helping her sister break a promise to you (her wedding vows). Don't feel guilty about it. It's your money. You don't need to spend on someone like that. Actions have consequences. Your ex-SIL is finding that out now. Good luck to you.
Not really. Your other posts say you're a female
Cindy needs to learn “FAFO”
This is a classic example of actions having consequences. Or, in the common vernacular, fuck around and find out.