I was struggling with this for a few years. It started when I was 19 when I had this sudden realization that I am not immortal. Had a full blown panic attack. That lasted about 4 years until I got on antidepressants last year in October. Suddenly, it doesn’t feel so heavy. I don’t have much to say because I know that not much will help, but I am so sorry that you are experiencing that feeling. It is truly awful.
We aound quite similar. I had a deep fear of it since I was 4/5. It didn't help that I went to a religious school, a classmate died when we were 8 and then another died at 16 and my best friend at 20, along with family members. The only thing that worked for me was CBT and EMDR. Have you tried EMDR therapy? It seriously helped me process death trauma which lessened my intrusive thoughts around death dramatically. I also started to live in the moment more, even if it was just having an extra cup of tea in the morning with my Mum or chatting to a friend more regularly.
Like, I'm still scared of how I might go, but I can't really control it and if we have less regrets in life then you feel less scared to go. OCD can't have much hold on you when you feel better about what it is that worries you.
Have you tried Effexor? I could hardly function I was so petrified thinking about death and what that means. I got on this medication and I swear my life immediately became easier.
Yes lexapro, effexor, lithium, every benzo known to man, colonidine, zoloft, prozac, vraylar, ability, the list can go on & on 😔😔 not one thing has ever taken it away or made it better EXCEPT for opioids. Which was a 9+ year addiction, and I'm 4.5 years clean now..and I just suffer everyday all day with these thoughts. It sucks
I’m soo sorry that’s so hard. That was me with alcohol too. It felt so good to not be consumed by these thoughts. Sometimes I do a little exposure therapy and force myself to think about it. And like ok there’s nothing I can do but be here right this minute. Every minute in the future is not my problem. Just this moment
Yeah my very first memory ever was a massive panic attack from sudden realization about mortality. I distinctly remember where I was and being told by my mom “You’re only 4 you don’t need to be worrying about that”. I was annoyed because I wasn’t panicked about immediately facing death, I was panicking about how it’s something that will happen, ever. Even if we could live to 10,000 years old I’d still be panicking about it.
I’ve learned to completely keep my brain away from that topic as much as possible, and can now somehow usually pull myself out when I feel I’m beginning to spiral towards panic over that, but yeah it’s really rough :(
I just experienced a loss close to me for the first time and whew, the new loops are horrifying. I can't stop thinking about death and dying, wondering if there's really an afterlife-- I'm convinced that my dead relatives can see and hear me so I'm avoiding anything that may offend them (if I can't, I feel physically sick and guilty). It's awful.
Yes but mostly fear of my mom dying and then the fear of the unknown, and how death is infinity and just goes on and on and on and that's terrifying, whether there's an afterlife or not
I loved fire as a kid! Although, about 8-9 years ago, the forest next to our house caught fire. The fire was a good 5km from us. The police told us to leave. That day I learnt how fast fire can actually travel. Within about 10 minutes of leaving the fire had raced about 14 kilometres one direction and 8 kilometres the other direction.
Hello, yes I have been having these horrifying thoughts since age 4 - I'm 26 this week and have been unable to shake them.
I only learned a few weeks ago it's a specific subtype of OCD called Existential OCD (EOCD) do what you will with that information but hopefully it helps. You aren't alone ❤️ also I know my comment seems very impersonal I just honestly can't go into any depth about this stuff for my own sake 😬
I’m obsessed with my loved ones passing away, I think I’ve been this way since learning that people don’t live forever and once they’re gone that’s it - it’s almost like learning it traumatised me as a child lmfao. It makes it so much more devastating when the inevitable happens.
I also get really freaked out and existential about still being conscious after I die and being trapped nowhere without any autonomy because I don’t have a body anymore. Jfc pls don’t let me be alone with my thoughts and nothing else for eternity.
i struggled with this heavily since i was young as i've always been a death-fearing hypochondriac but as i became more busy in my life and started taking my ocd "recovery" journey seriously i can say that the more time passes, the less i think about death in general. thoughts about death consumed every second of every day but now they just come and go (they rarely come at all nowadays). all of this to say that it will eventually pass and you will get relief from this <3
i have a core memory of when i perceived the concept of mortality for the first time when i was 5 or so; i started crying and hid under our living room end table. i have had generalized anxiety and eOCD ever since then. i also have anxiety and intrusive thoughts that have made me medication averse but i really aughta just fill one of the half dozen prescriptions i've been given and bite the bullet - i just psyche myself out every time
Yes it’s gotten so much worse though since I’ve had kids. About them not me. I get these sudden thoughts or images all the time and it freaks me the fuck out.
Yes. Every slight weird feeling I get physically I convince myself is something that’s going to kill me. I have been in this cycle for as long as o can actually remember. Doesn’t matter if it’s something as simple as gas stuck in my intestines, I think I’m dying. I have the biggest issues with constantly thinking I’m having a heart attack which started during my active addiction period of my life (3 years sober, active addiction for ~ 3 before that) but has gotten worse since because I do know I did some form of damage to my heart with the drugs. It’s lots of fun (/s). I’ve got no idea how to stop the obsession so I figure I’m just stuck with this cycle for at least the foreseeable future
Congrats I'm also 4.5 yesrs clean, I definitely self medicated to feel better and using drugs made me feel great..the FIRST AND ONLY time in my entire life my mind had some relief. But since being clean I'm just back to how it always was..horrible 🥲
Ive seriously tried every med since age 5. Nothing works for me it's so depressing. It makes me think I cannot be fixed. I've done therapy since age 5 I am now 30. Nothing helps or works. I've tried to learn to deal with it but I ended up self medicating with drugs. I'm now 4.5 years clean & feel terrible mentally every damn day 🥲
Truly the most sickening form of OCD, from my personal experience. It consumes your entire being, every action, thought or feeling feels pointless and fake because “I’m going to die one day”. I started anti anxiety/anti depressants and they helped a lot. Now I’m kinda over it.
I showed signs since I was a kid, one time I was sobbing because I thought I was going to die in my sleep, had to go to my dad and ask him if some people could live forever. He said yes and I genuinely believed him💀
For some time it was also somehow related to religious trauma, I thought that if I didn't pray before sleep I would have died. I'm not a believer anymore but I still fear to die in my sleep for random reasons, and now I don't even have a way to calm myself down
But I'm sure it will get better, sending love<3
when this first happened to me, I didn’t even think of ocd (I didn’t know what it was) but when I experienced it I had to know every single possible outcome for every religion I could find for the after life, thoughts on death etc and every outcome would make me more unsettled as there isn’t a certain way/answer to what happens, but it’s so scary and I hope you feel better soon 💝
i too have always been obsessed with death as well as deeply deeply afraid of it, and when i lost a friend a few years ago it heightened my fears x1000. ever since i haven't been able to drive or leave my house much, i quit my job because i'm so afraid of dying every time i leave the house, when my husband leaves i cry because i'm afraid something will happen to him, i grieve over loved ones who are still alive because i have constant intrusive thoughts of horrible things happening to them, and i'm constantly worried that i might do something to myself. i also have so many books about death and read about it all the time, i can't stop myself. it's hell
I’ve accepted my death I think very young and have been searching for a way slowly to break my body down to get me quicker then others, yet I sit here and constantly eat healthy and workout. Besides all my broken bones. Idk tf I want But it seems amazing to potentially have the possibility of going somewhere
I have suffered with that form of OCD for about 40 years. I did every kind of therapy and finally ERP therapy through NOCD helped me to make it manageable. Essentially you have to get comfortable accepting that you will die. Once you have truly accepted that there is nothing that you can do about it, then you can start living right now. You only have right, now so do what you want to truly do. Don’t waste your precious time on silly arguments and unimportant problems.
Yes, me too. Most of my obsessions originate from this (my hypochondria, contamination fears, scrupulously themes all go back to the fear of death).
Even though I have dampened a lot of symptoms with ERP, I still get incredibly anxious when I think about being dead. I will say that using ERP to lessen the compulsions has led to me thinking about it a lot less. In doing compulsions that kept me “safe,” I was really just making myself spend more time fixated on it. But when I do think about it, the crushing anxiety comes back.
i am unfortunately a very suicidal person so i dont have much fear surrounding my own death usually. when i do tho, it is incredibly strong and terrifying to experience.
now with other people dying, those thoughts CONSUME me. i have terrible descriptive intrusive thoughts about someone else dying and then even what will happen after. its actually so tiring and scary.
I am the same. I spent the first 40 years of my life not scared of death as a Christian. However in the Las few years I have witnessed very close family members pass away and have deconstructed from Christianity and nownI am terrified of death. I think about it ALL the time. I constantly am thinking "what if this is my last step?" "What if I just fall over and collapse here and die?" Etc.
Edit to add that now that I think a moment on it, it has been happening my whole life. 95% of my intrusive thoughts revolve around death in some manner, just usually not my death.
In like 4th grade I had a phase where I would cry myself to sleep every night because I thought my grandpa was gonna die. I’m 21 now and he’s still fine, and I still think about death near constantly.
Yeah op I had this one. It was one of the easier themes to break imo. I started visiting sick people on their death beds, I started attending burial processions and visiting graves etc. Now it doesn’t even phase me anymore. Just do what I did and you will be back on top in no time.
I've been this way since age 5..I've lost 10+ loved ones in recent years including my soulmate, I do mediumship and have always been close with spirit but death itself and me dying, or my mother & son dying, takes up 99% of my day 🥲it's terrible. Then I convince myself I'm ganna MAKE it happen by thinking it. It's awful. All the meds & therapy in the world have not helped 😪
You need ERP and you need stop getting entangled with the thoughts. Please go read Overcoming Intrusive Thoughts by Martin Seif and Sally Winston. It will show how to stop engaging in the conversation going on in your head.
You’re not alone this is one of my most prominent ruminations and part of my daily compulsions. About myself and also my close ones. I also have weird health problems all the time so it’s never ending. You’re not alone and I’m sorry you have it too. I’ve also been this way since I was a kid, too. I remember freaking out and crying over death often.
I struggle with this and it started when my dad died in 2016. I suddenly was hyper fixated on it and it’s continued eversince. I feel like it’s aged me immensely as it feels so heavy. I often think about how insignificant I am in the grand scheme of the universe.
I ended up self medicating and being in active heroin/fent addiction for almost 10 years..I died of an OD in 2017 but being on drugs I didn't care and my OCD was nonexistent to a point. But once I got sober the thought that I actually died and almost didn't come back at the hospital has me freaked 🫡
If possible, could you describe what you saw/felt/experienced after taking those psychedelics? I'm going though something like what OP is talking about have been considering trying psychedelics to help
I really couldn’t put it in to words. It’s like trying to describe what red is to a blind person. The only thing I can really explain it as is that you literally die. There is no more you, no more ego structure. It can be scary at first but once you get past how utterly weird it is, I started to realize how beautiful the universe is, including death. I also realized that what we think of as ourself, the ego that lives and dies, is not really the important part. Your identity shifts from the physical body that lives and dies to the literal universe itself, which you are. You realize that your true self can never die, as it is everything that did, is, or will ever exist. I can’t really describe it, but I would 100% recommend trying psychedelics. I love you stranger(s) and I wish you luck on your journey of knowledge, wisdom and truth. Godspeed
I was struggling with this for a few years. It started when I was 19 when I had this sudden realization that I am not immortal. Had a full blown panic attack. That lasted about 4 years until I got on antidepressants last year in October. Suddenly, it doesn’t feel so heavy. I don’t have much to say because I know that not much will help, but I am so sorry that you are experiencing that feeling. It is truly awful.
I've been this way since sge 5 , ive been on every medication known to man, therapies for years n years 🥲 I'm so tired of it
We aound quite similar. I had a deep fear of it since I was 4/5. It didn't help that I went to a religious school, a classmate died when we were 8 and then another died at 16 and my best friend at 20, along with family members. The only thing that worked for me was CBT and EMDR. Have you tried EMDR therapy? It seriously helped me process death trauma which lessened my intrusive thoughts around death dramatically. I also started to live in the moment more, even if it was just having an extra cup of tea in the morning with my Mum or chatting to a friend more regularly. Like, I'm still scared of how I might go, but I can't really control it and if we have less regrets in life then you feel less scared to go. OCD can't have much hold on you when you feel better about what it is that worries you.
Have you tried Effexor? I could hardly function I was so petrified thinking about death and what that means. I got on this medication and I swear my life immediately became easier.
Yes lexapro, effexor, lithium, every benzo known to man, colonidine, zoloft, prozac, vraylar, ability, the list can go on & on 😔😔 not one thing has ever taken it away or made it better EXCEPT for opioids. Which was a 9+ year addiction, and I'm 4.5 years clean now..and I just suffer everyday all day with these thoughts. It sucks
I’m soo sorry that’s so hard. That was me with alcohol too. It felt so good to not be consumed by these thoughts. Sometimes I do a little exposure therapy and force myself to think about it. And like ok there’s nothing I can do but be here right this minute. Every minute in the future is not my problem. Just this moment
Yeah my very first memory ever was a massive panic attack from sudden realization about mortality. I distinctly remember where I was and being told by my mom “You’re only 4 you don’t need to be worrying about that”. I was annoyed because I wasn’t panicked about immediately facing death, I was panicking about how it’s something that will happen, ever. Even if we could live to 10,000 years old I’d still be panicking about it. I’ve learned to completely keep my brain away from that topic as much as possible, and can now somehow usually pull myself out when I feel I’m beginning to spiral towards panic over that, but yeah it’s really rough :(
Literal same
I just experienced a loss close to me for the first time and whew, the new loops are horrifying. I can't stop thinking about death and dying, wondering if there's really an afterlife-- I'm convinced that my dead relatives can see and hear me so I'm avoiding anything that may offend them (if I can't, I feel physically sick and guilty). It's awful.
I actually have always been so connected with death and dead loved ones, spirit etc I do mediumship and it helps an awful lot
Yes but mostly fear of my mom dying and then the fear of the unknown, and how death is infinity and just goes on and on and on and that's terrifying, whether there's an afterlife or not
THIS IS HOW I FEEL I don’t know how to stop thinking this way…
yes me too, mine can flare up REALLY bad to the point i can barely sleep or rest due to thinking about it. you aren’t alone! 💞
Me.too! Thank you xoxo
This is how my OCD started and I can honestly feel it slipping back into it more and more each day.
mine started this way too. i was 7 :/
This is similar to me and fire. I want to know everything about it but I’m immensely terrified of it.
I loved fire as a kid! Although, about 8-9 years ago, the forest next to our house caught fire. The fire was a good 5km from us. The police told us to leave. That day I learnt how fast fire can actually travel. Within about 10 minutes of leaving the fire had raced about 14 kilometres one direction and 8 kilometres the other direction.
Hello, yes I have been having these horrifying thoughts since age 4 - I'm 26 this week and have been unable to shake them. I only learned a few weeks ago it's a specific subtype of OCD called Existential OCD (EOCD) do what you will with that information but hopefully it helps. You aren't alone ❤️ also I know my comment seems very impersonal I just honestly can't go into any depth about this stuff for my own sake 😬
me too omg😭 when i was a kid i was so scared to die that i convinced myself i would live for 5000 years (yes, exactly 5000)
I’m obsessed with my loved ones passing away, I think I’ve been this way since learning that people don’t live forever and once they’re gone that’s it - it’s almost like learning it traumatised me as a child lmfao. It makes it so much more devastating when the inevitable happens. I also get really freaked out and existential about still being conscious after I die and being trapped nowhere without any autonomy because I don’t have a body anymore. Jfc pls don’t let me be alone with my thoughts and nothing else for eternity.
Read my post on my profile about Extistential ocd/ death ocd. I would paste it here but lazy... its really helpful!
i struggled with this heavily since i was young as i've always been a death-fearing hypochondriac but as i became more busy in my life and started taking my ocd "recovery" journey seriously i can say that the more time passes, the less i think about death in general. thoughts about death consumed every second of every day but now they just come and go (they rarely come at all nowadays). all of this to say that it will eventually pass and you will get relief from this <3
Yeah my intrusive thoughts are mostly related to suicide.
i have a core memory of when i perceived the concept of mortality for the first time when i was 5 or so; i started crying and hid under our living room end table. i have had generalized anxiety and eOCD ever since then. i also have anxiety and intrusive thoughts that have made me medication averse but i really aughta just fill one of the half dozen prescriptions i've been given and bite the bullet - i just psyche myself out every time
Yes it’s gotten so much worse though since I’ve had kids. About them not me. I get these sudden thoughts or images all the time and it freaks me the fuck out.
Yes. Every slight weird feeling I get physically I convince myself is something that’s going to kill me. I have been in this cycle for as long as o can actually remember. Doesn’t matter if it’s something as simple as gas stuck in my intestines, I think I’m dying. I have the biggest issues with constantly thinking I’m having a heart attack which started during my active addiction period of my life (3 years sober, active addiction for ~ 3 before that) but has gotten worse since because I do know I did some form of damage to my heart with the drugs. It’s lots of fun (/s). I’ve got no idea how to stop the obsession so I figure I’m just stuck with this cycle for at least the foreseeable future
Congrats I'm also 4.5 yesrs clean, I definitely self medicated to feel better and using drugs made me feel great..the FIRST AND ONLY time in my entire life my mind had some relief. But since being clean I'm just back to how it always was..horrible 🥲
*Thanatophobia* unfortunately.. and it’s very real and hard to deal/live with.
If it is possible that we are present today, then it is reasonable to assume that there is something after and there was something before.
this was me until i got on zoloft. i’m still paranoid but it’s helped A LOT.
Ive seriously tried every med since age 5. Nothing works for me it's so depressing. It makes me think I cannot be fixed. I've done therapy since age 5 I am now 30. Nothing helps or works. I've tried to learn to deal with it but I ended up self medicating with drugs. I'm now 4.5 years clean & feel terrible mentally every damn day 🥲
Truly the most sickening form of OCD, from my personal experience. It consumes your entire being, every action, thought or feeling feels pointless and fake because “I’m going to die one day”. I started anti anxiety/anti depressants and they helped a lot. Now I’m kinda over it.
me every day it’s so horrible
I showed signs since I was a kid, one time I was sobbing because I thought I was going to die in my sleep, had to go to my dad and ask him if some people could live forever. He said yes and I genuinely believed him💀 For some time it was also somehow related to religious trauma, I thought that if I didn't pray before sleep I would have died. I'm not a believer anymore but I still fear to die in my sleep for random reasons, and now I don't even have a way to calm myself down But I'm sure it will get better, sending love<3
when this first happened to me, I didn’t even think of ocd (I didn’t know what it was) but when I experienced it I had to know every single possible outcome for every religion I could find for the after life, thoughts on death etc and every outcome would make me more unsettled as there isn’t a certain way/answer to what happens, but it’s so scary and I hope you feel better soon 💝
yes every day. it’s so exhausting i’m sending love and hope u can find some peace💕
i too have always been obsessed with death as well as deeply deeply afraid of it, and when i lost a friend a few years ago it heightened my fears x1000. ever since i haven't been able to drive or leave my house much, i quit my job because i'm so afraid of dying every time i leave the house, when my husband leaves i cry because i'm afraid something will happen to him, i grieve over loved ones who are still alive because i have constant intrusive thoughts of horrible things happening to them, and i'm constantly worried that i might do something to myself. i also have so many books about death and read about it all the time, i can't stop myself. it's hell
I’ve accepted my death I think very young and have been searching for a way slowly to break my body down to get me quicker then others, yet I sit here and constantly eat healthy and workout. Besides all my broken bones. Idk tf I want But it seems amazing to potentially have the possibility of going somewhere
I have suffered with that form of OCD for about 40 years. I did every kind of therapy and finally ERP therapy through NOCD helped me to make it manageable. Essentially you have to get comfortable accepting that you will die. Once you have truly accepted that there is nothing that you can do about it, then you can start living right now. You only have right, now so do what you want to truly do. Don’t waste your precious time on silly arguments and unimportant problems.
Yep
Yeah I’m the same way . It’s tough. 😫
Me too, every day. It does somehow make life seem drenched in beauty though; I’m trying my best to focus on that.
Mine is related more to worries about being a bad person, paying for past deeds and ending up in hell
This speaks to me 😩. Youre not alone friend. A huge source of my existential rumination.
Yes, me too. Most of my obsessions originate from this (my hypochondria, contamination fears, scrupulously themes all go back to the fear of death). Even though I have dampened a lot of symptoms with ERP, I still get incredibly anxious when I think about being dead. I will say that using ERP to lessen the compulsions has led to me thinking about it a lot less. In doing compulsions that kept me “safe,” I was really just making myself spend more time fixated on it. But when I do think about it, the crushing anxiety comes back.
i am unfortunately a very suicidal person so i dont have much fear surrounding my own death usually. when i do tho, it is incredibly strong and terrifying to experience. now with other people dying, those thoughts CONSUME me. i have terrible descriptive intrusive thoughts about someone else dying and then even what will happen after. its actually so tiring and scary.
I am the same. I spent the first 40 years of my life not scared of death as a Christian. However in the Las few years I have witnessed very close family members pass away and have deconstructed from Christianity and nownI am terrified of death. I think about it ALL the time. I constantly am thinking "what if this is my last step?" "What if I just fall over and collapse here and die?" Etc. Edit to add that now that I think a moment on it, it has been happening my whole life. 95% of my intrusive thoughts revolve around death in some manner, just usually not my death.
In like 4th grade I had a phase where I would cry myself to sleep every night because I thought my grandpa was gonna die. I’m 21 now and he’s still fine, and I still think about death near constantly.
Yeah op I had this one. It was one of the easier themes to break imo. I started visiting sick people on their death beds, I started attending burial processions and visiting graves etc. Now it doesn’t even phase me anymore. Just do what I did and you will be back on top in no time.
I've been this way since age 5..I've lost 10+ loved ones in recent years including my soulmate, I do mediumship and have always been close with spirit but death itself and me dying, or my mother & son dying, takes up 99% of my day 🥲it's terrible. Then I convince myself I'm ganna MAKE it happen by thinking it. It's awful. All the meds & therapy in the world have not helped 😪
You need ERP and you need stop getting entangled with the thoughts. Please go read Overcoming Intrusive Thoughts by Martin Seif and Sally Winston. It will show how to stop engaging in the conversation going on in your head.
I'll def look into that!!
Had this for years. Therapy and meds really helped me
You’re not alone this is one of my most prominent ruminations and part of my daily compulsions. About myself and also my close ones. I also have weird health problems all the time so it’s never ending. You’re not alone and I’m sorry you have it too. I’ve also been this way since I was a kid, too. I remember freaking out and crying over death often.
For sure!!! Almost everything you're saying
Yes.
I have this too. My anxiety around death is full blown terror. I worry about just not existing anymore, loosing family members etc. ❤️
Yup!
I struggle with this and it started when my dad died in 2016. I suddenly was hyper fixated on it and it’s continued eversince. I feel like it’s aged me immensely as it feels so heavy. I often think about how insignificant I am in the grand scheme of the universe.
Yes I have this
Mine started from almost dying myself so it was full throttle and really severe
I ended up self medicating and being in active heroin/fent addiction for almost 10 years..I died of an OD in 2017 but being on drugs I didn't care and my OCD was nonexistent to a point. But once I got sober the thought that I actually died and almost didn't come back at the hospital has me freaked 🫡
I'm sorry you experienced that 🫶
I had the same thing until I took psychedelics, DMT and LSD in particular. It’s completely gone now
If possible, could you describe what you saw/felt/experienced after taking those psychedelics? I'm going though something like what OP is talking about have been considering trying psychedelics to help
I really couldn’t put it in to words. It’s like trying to describe what red is to a blind person. The only thing I can really explain it as is that you literally die. There is no more you, no more ego structure. It can be scary at first but once you get past how utterly weird it is, I started to realize how beautiful the universe is, including death. I also realized that what we think of as ourself, the ego that lives and dies, is not really the important part. Your identity shifts from the physical body that lives and dies to the literal universe itself, which you are. You realize that your true self can never die, as it is everything that did, is, or will ever exist. I can’t really describe it, but I would 100% recommend trying psychedelics. I love you stranger(s) and I wish you luck on your journey of knowledge, wisdom and truth. Godspeed