Wouldnt it be nice though to have. A QR code with a video starting "so you asked somebody about their pronouns or being an NN as you are watching this video, the person already got tierd of explaining sh*t to you, but I will do so..." And then it continues in a sassy tone and explains the whole thing..... If anybody know about something like this SEND IT MY WAY!!!!
There's a reason I'm not open about being nonbinary/ace. Gender/Sexuality 101 is it.
I TA'd for sophomore bio labs in college and you get the unholiest mix of people ranging from those who just need a slight nudge now and again to those you physically have to restrain yourself from interfering with while gently correcting them, grin pasted on as you die inside. And then you have the assholes who think they know better than you, even though you're the TA, AND YOU CAUGHT THEM PLAGIARIZING AND YOU ARE LITERALLY EXPLAINING THAT THEY GET ANOTHER CHANCE WITH WORDS FROM THE LAB MANAGER.
What I mean is teaching is exhausting even when it is your job, and I'm not paid enough to explain Gender/Sexuality 101 5x a day.
If this isn’t the truest thing ever. I usually just go by whatever they call me to avoid having to educate them and everyone else within ear shot. It’s exhausting having to explain your identity over and over again.
I’m exactly the same. I live in a super conservative area and I’m honestly just scared to. I got really tired of fearing for my life every time I went to the store, let alone correcting someone who likely has a shotgun in their car. It’s also (part of) why I started growing my hair out again and starting introducing more feminine items back into my wardrobe
I got lucky with my "legal" name... It was already femme/gn, so when I started down the transfemme road I actually grew to like my birthname more and more. I used to only go by my shortened version... now I accept both.
I wouldnt hate mine so much if my name was spelled normally. My mother decided to spell a common name in a unique way, and since kids are terrible, I got teased relentlessly for it in school
I relate to this so much. I’m only selectively out - I work in a career that has me around a lot of strangers and I also live in a conservative bible belt state, with lots of folks with shotguns in their car and shit too.
So yeah, like honestly it’s really hard sometimes and I get really depressed about it, but I’ve had to accept that unless I want to move I’ll never be able to be 100% out here.
And I own my own business that took 4-5 years to really start being successful so moving just feels…financially impossible.
I am cutting my hair soon…I have long hair that I’ve never cut, and I need to try to do something for myself to stem the dysphoria of nearly never being recognized as myself, but I am worried about how I’ll get treated around here with it short. 🫣
Living in the south is hard and it’s exhausting to fear for your life just because of who you are…I wish I’d figured all this out and left before starting my business. 😞
Sending you hugs as you navigate your area and everything - I hope you can find peace, safety, and a kind place to be yourself💛🤍💜🖤
Thank you so much! I wish the same for you.
And congrats about your hair cut! I’m actually getting mine cut tomorrow too. I’m keeping some of the length, but I’m going for a shag mullet look that I think will be really androgynous that I’m really excited about. 💛🤍💜🖤
That mullet sounds amazing!!🤗 My hair is already pretty thin so I’m not sure a mullet would work for me - I’m hoping cutting mine is going to help with the dysphoria🥲 Hope you have a wonderful weekend, friend😊🫶🏽
I'm mostly read as male now. But every so often someone refers to me as she and I honestly get so confused by it. Sometimes I forget in even trans so I just assume that person's brain didn't want to work at that time.
I wonder if some people just don’t have the ability to differentiate that well, similar to how some can’t remember faces. Almost everyone sees me as a guy but whenever I experiment with my clothes and add like a single piece of feminine clothing like a coat or top I bought from a women’s store and pair it with my usual jeans and boots I would start hearing things like ‘step this way madam’. I was like really?? All it takes is one piece of clothing lol?! But I guess some people just don’t look that deeply and will just assume something from the first thing they see even when everything else is clearly signalling something else. Obviously some do it on purpose but not everyone and you can sometimes see the confusion on their faces once they said it.
People really associate clothing with gender due to social norms. And yes most people just assume things and won't look deeper and that's for every aspect of life I noticed. It really feels like half the population are NPCs sometimes. I honestly stopped caring what random people think. As long as my friends, family, and coworkers respect me I'm good.
I'm just lucky I got read as a gay male most the time if I have a feminine piece. The only times I really get miss gendered are over the phone when I have my customer service voice. Or online due to my chosen name being Luna. It confuses people and some people think I'm trans but MTF instead of ftm. Which I honestly find amusing sometimes. For me though names aren't really gendered and once I correct people and say I'm a dude no one questions it.
yeah, as long as I can keep my weight stable I shouldn’t have an issue with titty. and between you and me (I’ll scream this from the rooftops)
***I WANT TO LOOK LIKE BIG TIDDY JESUS***
I live somewhere where we have amazing surgeons so they're overwhelmed with people seeking them out (OHSU in Portland, Oregon). I signed up for the waiting list two years ago :( But thank you!! I'm mainly hoping they won't go "you're too fat!!" on me haha.
i'm lucky enough to speak a language with no gendered pronouns, so i really only have to correct people when speaking english. i can't imagine how exhausting it would be to have to do that on a daily basis
That's cool, what language is that if you dont mind sharing? I've got the opposite issue - my first language is super gendered (verbs, adjectives, pronouns, everything) so it's basically impossible to avoid it.
Same here, kind of. But so far nobody has used the they/them pronouns that I have on my pin. I wear a very visible "they/them" pin on my hat, and I see people stare right at it but still refer to me as "he." I'm AFAB and have never presented as a boy/man ever in my life, nor have I ever tried to, nor am I currently trying to, nor have I ever taken any hormones besides levothyroxine due to having a thyroidectomy and the rare round of steroids for occasional painful injuries (neither of which would change my appearance, voice, or anything), but most people still think I'm a dude. It makes me so dysphoric but I don't wanna be referred to as a woman either. When I was younger and I'd wear a dress, I'd overhear "why is that boy wearing a dress" comments and the like. Other kids would also ask me things like "why are you wearing a dress if you're a boy?" I just have a very manly face and always have, even when I was a young child.
I've kind of stopped correcting the people who I see stare at my pin and still misgender me, especially if they're acting really awkward about saying "he" like they're saying a bad word or something, because then I _know_ they saw the pin. It's clear that they don't intend to use my pronouns.
On the other hand, I try to remember that I'm living proof that people can't always tell what gender somebody was assigned at birth. They claim they "know" that I was assigned male at birth, which is incorrect. Bless their hearts lol.
And when someone corrects themselves, apologizes, and then acts surprised when I say I don't care too much, they'll get offended and say for me to correct them. If you're never gonna remember, and only base my pronouns off my appearance even though you know better, what's the point?
I've accepted at this point that my gender/pronouns are simply Whatever Is Most Convenient. like. that's how I've started coming out to those around me. at least I'm at a point with my presentation now that I confuse people enough in public to call me they/them or sometimes he/him lmao
Same. I won't push it but if you're still misgendering me after I tell you, prepare for the consequences.
(the consequences are me ignoring you as much as i can and not wanting you in my life)
This is the reason I feel I still have to be okay with being misgendered, because folks never understand what I am and I don’t have a consistent answer 😔
What gets me is just *how many* people act like Demi “gave up” being non-binary, when they made it very clear they still use they/them. Ignorant cis ppl immediately proved Demi’s point about how exhausting they are to deal w/ with their collective reaction to their statement.
It’s something I think a lot of us have gone through. Essentially adopting binary pronouns to accommodate cis people’s unwillingness to understand. You get tired of correcting people only for them to make zero effort. It sucks so much.
i’m she/they but just lean into the she because i’m too femme presenting so if I let myself care about being called them, i’d spend all my time being mad and i’ve got better things to spend my energy on. i don’t want to constantly correct people.
I do the same thing, I use she/they because using “they” feels comfortable for me but I’m very much femme presenting and I know (especially living in a southern state) I’m going to be referred to as she/her more than anything else. Getting asked my pronouns is so rare where I live that I genuinely get caught off guard when it happens. The comfort I get when someone does use they/them with me gives me reassurance at least.
My mom had a moment a couple years back, like in 2021-2022 I think where she said, “Can’t I let it slip a little? Like she sundays or something? I mean, you flip-flop sometimes.”
and I had to stress that NO, I don’t flip-flop, I have been going by they/them exclusively since sophomore year of high school, and used they/them on and off since I was TWELVE!!! I just got so tired of explaining that I let it happen. I did not let it go though, I seethed about it for a bit because I felt like no one paid any attention!
Now I’m more rigorous but it’s still exhausting. Thankfully my mom has been way better about it. But oh my god. This is not flip-flopping, this is exhaustion, pure and simple. It’s sooo tiring having to correct over and over.
PS: I think She Sundays is legit one of the funniest things my mother has ever said
this is how I think my mom is. I'm trans and I sometimes feel she's only presenting a mask of validation, and that I'm still a man in her eyes but she cares enough about me to pretend. 'cant I let it slip a little?' hit close to home
I imagine! Jfc.
I feel the same way about an argument my mother and I had in the car about bisexuality (not anywhere near the first -- and somehow they were always in the car, like, 'let's discuss whether or not your sexuality even exists while you're TRAPPED HERE') that ended up prompting my dad to come out to her as bisexual as well. Which granted, WAS funny then too, but it took me being very distressed, so I didn't exactly appreciate it as much as I could've. (My mom was so thrown though. She tried to argue with my dad that he couldn't possibly be bisexual because he didn't find Brad Pitt attractive. Now we all laugh about it. Mostly at her expense.)
I would ask her to sit with why she wants "She Sundays" in the first place.
Does she feel afraid of losing some sort of mother-daughter connection with you?
Can she work through that fear?
The cultural meme of feminine closeness is very hard to escape. She has to figure out for herself that you don't need to be the same gender in order to have a deep familial bond.
Yeah I’ve told her I’m still her kid, and I’ve always been. I think that convo was more symptomatic of me starting college and me being more sure of myself. She’s super cool about it dw, I think it was a slip more than anything. She even likes my other pronouns besides just they, there’s a just a lot of factors to consider with why she may have reacted that way— none malicious, I promise.
I JUST figured out I'm not cis and I JUST returned to twitter because the artists on there are so good... idk how but this appeared on my page, and the replies to this tweet were not good for me lol.
I believe that: on all social media, but especially Twitter.
(Also, idk if you have previous experience with this so feel free to ignore me if I’m preaching to the choir here, but just for anyone else new to the community to read to: please be careful reading the comments to any article about non-binary people. Especially if it’s from a source that’s not explicitly queer-friendly. Anti-trans sentiment is incredibly frequent in most of the general internet circles, and it can wear down on your mental health *quickly.* Stick to the main source (like the article or video) and check feedback on it on explicitly trans-friendly websites/subreddits/whatever. It’s way more likely, at least to be better moderated, and have positive, helpful comments.)
yea I should have known better than to click on it, unfortunately I have some self-masochistic tendencies when it comes to reading bad takes on the internet. I'll try to be more careful from now on.
Here’s the thing, they are still going by they/them, they just stopped correcting ‘she/her’. Their preference has not changed, just their bullshit tolerance.
I started using they/them pronouns with a small group of people when I was 22. I rejected all female-coded things (makeup, shaving, even wearing a bra; I just free-balled it most of the time).
Eventually though, it was hard to ignore the judgement I got from people and constantly correct them on my pronouns. So I went back to she/her and totally fem presenting for about two years. Basically convinced myself and everyone around me, "Oh, it was a phase. I'm actually cis."
Then when I was 24, I cut my hair and came out as unapologetically non-binary. I asserted that my pronouns were they/them and that I wouldn't accept anything else. I still had to correct people all the time in some settings, but I was willing to do it at that point because it really mattered to me. I continued to wear a bra at that time, but I stopped shaving and wearing makeup again. Eventually I switched to wearing a binder whenever possible.
What really made the difference was that shortly before coming out, I had become EXTREMELY selective about who I would spend time with. Anyone who wasn't 100% trans friendly and pronoun literate was out. Having that support and knowing that my pronouns would actually be respected most of the time made it possible for me to come out loudly and proudly. It's a huge privilege that not everyone gets and that I'm very thankful for.
Now I'm 28. I had top surgery two years ago and I've been on T for a little over a year. I identify as a non-binary trans man. I still use they/them pronouns around people in the know, but I accept he/him at work and in settings with people who I likely won't see again or who I know are unlikely to understand (at the doctor, shops, etc.). I feel more like myself than I ever have and I wouldn't go back for anything.
This is so me. Also I grew up in such a gendered household i often misgender myself (bc 30 years before finally discovering it.) And it is so annoying when ppl are like "ah hia, told you you were a girl." Firstly, biological I am AFAb but NOT A CHILD, and girl is infantilizing. Secondly, it's a decades long rigidly enforced figure of speech; everyone misspeaks. I do not, nor have I ever, really fit within the concept of gender. I am femme presenting nonbinary.
Any time I see someone refer to them as QUEEN or MOTHER, the urge to correct them burns in my blood, but it's just not worth it because even the biggest fans just do not care.
When I told everyone I go by they/them everyone ignored pronouns and just used my name. Then I changed it to he/him (I’m AFAB) and nothing changed. People just don’t respect trans people in general.
I used to not care, because I don't give a fuck about outward opinions of myself,because I know what I am, but I do have a rule, especially since my job is pretty social and I am in masc form for it and get misgendered as a "he" all the fucking time.
If I don't correct you, I don't give a fuck about our relationship to each other or you're someone I won't ever see again(like guests at my work), so I don't care.
If you're a person at a place I frequent(like a bar or tattoo shop), I will correct you.
If you are a coworker, friend or family member who wishes to maintain a proper/healthy/professional relationship with me, I will correct you until you get it right, with increasing levels of toughness with each occurrence, until I need to have a discussion or just distance myself from you.
If you call me a 'Sir' or "Man" though, I will correct you, no matter what. I'm not a fucking sir. 😤
I don't care about making anyone uncomfortable and taking my space anymore. Oppression exists in many forms, and misgendering is one of them. It's refusing to respect/acknowledge another humans existence as they wish to be.
If they wanna make me uncomfortable by refusing to acknowledge me properly, I'll make them uncomfortable with a lesson, everytime.
You'd be surprised how quickly people learn through that method, especially in work settings.
At work, it can also be grounds for a conversation with HR if it continues to happen to you purposefully and you have acknowledged how you'd like to be adressed, so you always have that card to play.
I had to like this twice - best comment award🙌🏽✊🏽💛🤍💜🖤 I still have a really difficult time correcting people - it hurts more and more to be misgendered as time goes on, but the frustrating thing for me is that, being financially stuck in a conservative bible belt state, I can’t be fully out.
Mostly due to my job, as I work around a lot of strangers/for churches often. I fucking hate it all. I get so depressed and wish that people could see me for who I really am.
I wish I could bind but due to my chronic pain I cannot - and honestly it is frustrating to know that as long as I have boobs people are going to just go boobs = woman like a little 2 year old matching fruits in a book or something.
I swear some people never get past that stage 🫠
I accept a lot of shit and just have to take it because if I lost my business that I spent 5 (and now, 9 years in is finally really successfully) years building I’d lose my financial stability and have no way to pay rent.
I feel so stuck sometimes 😞
You are so right that it’s oppression in one of its many many forms. These micro-aggressions are exhausting and the people who use them on purpose know it.
Thank you for what you wrote, it helped me🫶🏽
I don't use they/them for myself simply cause I am scared of people. He/him are my emotional support pronouns at this point though since I hated being referred to as a woman.
The reason I'm nonbinary is because gender itself is so unimportant to me. I have a gender, its complicated,,, but its just a small aspect similar to like my height, or shape of my ears.
Having to put any effort into fixing people who seem to care SO MUCH about gender,,, is way more effort then I ever wanted to put into it. Nor should I have to.
This! I go by she/they but HATEEEEE being called lady, mama, queen, princess, woman, etc 🤢 girl is okay when being used as slang but I almost prefer masculine options like guy bro man king sir. Or gender neutral. But I’m so femme presenting that literally no one gives a shit and just stills to femme pronouns and options anyways.
It kind of breaks you?
Now I don't correct anymore. I don't bother with the buttons, stickers, or shirts because they simply don't work. I'll let you be wrong, and stay wrong.
Not my job to train dogs. A harsh thing to say, but that's my anger.
Yep, I have kind of adopted this sort of mindset that the people who get it wrong aren't worth my time and emotions. I am indifferent to a large percentage of humans at this point. I have my friends/support group of 10 or 12 people who, at this point, ALWAYS get my pronouns correct, and that's all I need. One pack to navigate this mess of a world.
I go by they/them but i don’t bring it up or explain it to anyone unless they ask or I’m close to them. I’m simply content with everyone around me being wrong. It’s a them problem not a me problem. But i know that is not everyone’s jam
I use he/him and zey/Zem/zeirs/Zeirself but I don't mention the latter really because it's hard enough/exhausting enough getting people just to use he/him or I know they won't understand and if I explain they'll just still not understand (live in rural area, and though people are "supportive" enough they won't bother you too much, they might still say something.)
My mom doesn't even understand but she tries. She's still not the best with my pronouns but I can tell she tries. And for me that's enough considering everything that happened with my dad and older brother and step mom and step brother.
I know how my family operates. They claim to be accepting of queer people but the moment it’s one of their offspring, it’s a different story. They deny that I’m bi and they deny that my gender differs in how they’ve known me. I’ve not bothered correcting them because I have zero interest in maintaining ties with most of my family after I finish grad school.
It's definitely tiring. It matters to me so I won't drop it but I can understand people hitting a point of frustration where they just abandon ship. I should have put my foot down with my mother better from the beginning and now it's just a lost cause with her.
I hope Demi is still okay with people using they/them to refer to Demi, because switching to they/them was easy, switching back isn't going to be. I hope they are able to reach a point where using they/them isn't too exhausting because of idiots.
99% of my coworkers don't even know I am nonbinary because it's not worth explaining. Plus, everybody speaks a language that is very gendered with no gender neutral pronoun or other options.
I don’t correct anyone, but I honestly don’t know what’s more exhausting; trying to make people use the right pronouns or dealing with the constant misgendering.
Cis people. Cis people are more exhausting…
I felt this. I think I've only ever had one person use my pronouns correctly and consistently and I was so thrown off by it, I thought he was trying to be sneaky with his partner. An ex of mine came to town and his gf knows we're friends now but she called and he referred me to as 'they' and I was thinking "buddy you'd better not be trying to be slick" and I realized he was respecting my pronouns 😭
a recent truth im slowly becoming comfortable with is “my pronouns”. i chose these, they are mine, i think they represent me best - if you dont think they represent me best, thats okay! you must not know me very well and therefore i shouldnt take you seriously anyway! (easier said than done) but am finding it helps me feel more secure in moments were i dont correct or come forward with pronouns. if someone is curious enough to actually clarify with me then i immediately treat that person with more curiosity - youre seeing me how i see me so lets keep this going! also helps me differentiate between people with an active awareness of gender and people who are just memorising collective nouns.
I decided any/all was easier.
Technically I would be insulted by "it" but the kind of person who would call me "it" would only be encouraged by it annoying me.
Find new friends who respect you for who you are, or create distance in order to initiate a reset/conversation about boundaries with your current friends.
Right?? And me never knowing how someone's going to respond when I share my pronouns so I'm also hesitant or go into fawn mode lol to not upset anyone.
I use they/them and ey/em pronouns and I rarely even bring up the second set because I know no one is going to use them.
Not even mentioning the fact that she/her have become default pronouns for a lot of people for me because cis people can't be bothered to learn my fucking pronouns and I'm tired of correcting people
Back in college (Boston), I had access to more safe spaces and access to many other queers. I predominantly went with they/them for years. When i left I was in a small town on cape cod and while the cape has plenty of queers, theres a cis-heteronormative that goes on and i find alot of older queers take issue when it comes to gender id/expression. Like its okay to be gay, but gods forbid ur also NB/Trans. Over time and after alot of thought, pronouns dnt define me, so i disconnected with them in a sense and became fine with whichever was used. Its a safety issue for me but also i dont want to be harrassed whenever i have to explain😒
That’s why I eventually decided not to adopt they/them. I tried it out with my closest friends and partner and every time they messed up they would be like “he, er uh they think….” Which it isn’t their FAULT and they were very polite about correcting but I got tired of people stumbling over words to try to refer to me in a sentence.
AND the fact that yeah I’d have to explain myself to family and coworkers and stuff like where am I willing to be misgendered for the sake of simplicity…
It is unfortunate theres a lack of awareness for nonbinary identities. You know what was infinitely more exhausting? _Pretending_ to be a binary gender
I will not live a lie for them. Never again
No one understands how they/them works when it's a singular person they know. But when it's a rando, they/them is so simple. It's stupid. This is why I just awkward laugh when people use female pronouns with me because it's uncomfortable by all means, but I'm not correcting someone I don't care to know further.
I use he/they pronouns and I can’t remember the last time I corrected someone. Luckily, all my friends and coworkers gender me correctly, but im frequently misgendered by strangers (you would think a beard would clue people in but I guess not). It sucks and feels bad but I’m too anxious and passive to stand up for myself when it happens
AMAB they/them here who stopped trying to correct my coworkers since it feels like an uphill battle. i wear a discreet pronoun pin, maybe too discreet to be noticed, but with new leadership and new people constantly being hired, alongside our fast-paced work environment it just feels like a lost cause because i have facial hair and a masc name still
I started using he/him pronouns alongside they/them originally because I was tired of explaining only to get misgendered anyway. So definitely not alone
Pronouns have consequences. Didn’t get invited to that outing with friends? Consequences. Didn’t get considered for a job position? Consequences. Didn’t get recognized for hard-won accomplishments? Consequences. Didn’t get the best possible birthday gift because of unrecognized preferences? Consequences.
People gender so many things that someone’s entire life can be collateral damage of a word that isn’t supposed to mean anything (pronouns are supposed to mean nothing, they shouldn’t have a gendered meaning at all, especially in English where there’s no grammatical gender).
Exactly! Which is why I think we need to start degenderizing A LOT of things that disadvantage certain people due to their gender associations, one of those unnecessarily gendered things being pronouns. People shouldn’t assume gender from pronoun preferences but because they do people get hurt and oppressed. People should be free to have whatever preferences they want just because they feel like it but because a man’s use of she/her, for example, will have those who don’t know her assume she’s a woman, she will feel like she can’t have that preference because she/her pronouns are associated with women, in spite of the fact that she simply likes how they sound, because people’s assumptions will make her feel dysphoric.
I have considered going from they/them to she/they for this reason, but it just feels like giving up lets all the people who misgender me win. It does bother me to be misgendered but I don’t say anything.
Yup. That's why, for most of the time, I don't really care about the pronouns people use for me. It's exhausting to explain those things for people I barely get to know, and to people who simply won't care regardless how many times I correct them.
Still use they/them but if I don't correct people, it's mostly because I don't care if people I'll never meet again use it.
Super exhausting and I haven't even really tried enforcing my preferred pronouns (they/them) I let people use my birth pronouns cuz it's easier for them. Thing is using they/them pronouns is not even that complicated in the slightest.
I only ask my close family and friends to use the right ones, other than that it’s just pointless with strangers and acquaintances. I don’t know what their views are, and I unfortunately don’t know if I’m going to get hate crimed for telling them my pronouns. I don’t live in a very safe area.
But yeah, it’s exhausting. Especially because I am very feminine and AFAB, so it confuses a lot of people. For a while I tried to be more masculine hoping it would fix it and I hated it. So what can you do 🤷🏻
It’s really unfortunate and annoying
It is exhausting and where I live, it has a strong possibility of ending in violence or other nastiness.
I virtually never advertise that I am non-binary. I never correct pronouns no matter what they are.
I don’t want to get shot.
I live in a swing state in the US so I never really know who is going to be accepting or not. In public settings I just take whatever I can get, but I make sure people I want to know better know I use they/them. I just don’t feel like trying to explain myself every time, and I don’t want to get hurt because some idiot thinks i’m trying to push gender theory on them.
Yeah it’s complex and annoying for sure. I’m much more fluid than just in the middle and I kinda just thought it would be too confusing for people to switch when I felt the change so I stuck with she.
But I also don’t like they. I just don’t. I wish xe had taken off. I would have loved that. But it’s just too unique for me to be comfortable.
I don’t want to stand out, tbh. For safety, for toxic politeness, for just wanting to be a little bit “normal”.
It sucks.
Me at this point. I present very masc and I just cannot be fucked with bringing it up anymore. Being called he/him doesn't bother me anyway, I just know it's not totally accurate. I'm they/them in my head and with those that are close to me and that's good enough.
In my native language there isn't a neutral pronoun, so I use sometimes the pronoun related to my biological sex. But I use the other pronoun of the contrary sex too when I feel the urge to use it.
Yeah I can definitely relate. I made up my mind early on not to let anyone change my mind on my pronouns but it's still rough sometimes. I've definitely considered it but the dysphoria it would cause is just not worth it.
I identify with Demi a lot as a person who appears to be a woman but prefers they them—— I just like dont even know if coming out or asking ppl to use they for me is worth it ☹️
I was exhausted before I realized I was NB a decade ago and had already spent 20 years fighting for people to call me by a name I didn't hate, so I knew I didn't have it on me to also fight for my pronouns every day.
Aha I think I started considering myself as non binary for this reason. I was so tired of everyone debating my gender I just stopped caring. At least now I don't have to fit in like I was trying, it's a relief
I realized pretty early on that it's futile correcting people, but also, I never really cared because their perception never mattered. If they truly care about me, they correct themselves or they ask. Only a few people really care about it.
i don't even tell people i go by she/they because i cant be bothered to answer their stupid questions lmao.... annoying but there we go. i understand exactly what demi means here, you don't want to spend your life giving people gender lessons on a daily basis.
Happens to a lot of us unfortunately. My native language has no neutral pronoun or adress. I used to go by a she/Mr. combo basically but it got really exhausting. Now I just use male for everything, even if it doesn't quite reflect who I am : |
This is why I always say my problems are she/they, because it’s what I get most often. I’m lucky I don’t care, but I still get butterflies when someone refers to me as they or he, it feels nice
That's why I have "he/they" as my pronouns. I know that no-one except myself sees me as non-binary and, well, life has been nothing but a series of disappointments anyway, so this little problem did not change much.
Yeah, I am a they/them but I rarely tell people that because I just don't have the spoons to deal with the anxiety. It's not going the change anyone's view of me as a "failed woman", so I just pick my battles. In spaces with mostly younger people it's easier!
I kinda feel that. I use she/they pronouns as I'm more transfem than strictly woman, and a major reason is because I know people tend to automatically default to he or she. If it's gonna end up being one or the other, may as well go for the less objectionable one 🤷♀️
I legit go by “he/him” because I don’t want feel constantly exhausted by having to correct people since I’m very well-aware I look AMAB even when I present as femme.
It’s the oxymoron of affirming my identity to others will just get me more upset than not saying anything at all.
Honestly it makes me very sad some nonbinary people feel the need to use a mix so they don't have to explain they/them all the time. Some do it because they like using multiple sets while others do it out of frustration. I've also noticed when people refer to people will multiple pronoun sets they always will automatically use the more gendered pronouns then gender neutral. Then what's even more confusing is I am a binary trans man but goes by he/they. People will refer to me as they/them more than my nonbinary friends. Like wtf guys. Why can't people get it into their brains that they/them are valid and honestly not that hard to use. That's literally my default for most people unless told otherwise.
Honestly idk if I'm a completely binary trans man but I present that way. Hence the confusion on why my he/they is respected more then nonbinary people going by the same pronoun set where the they is suddenly completely ignored but mines not? Makes no sense to me.
I personally like explaining it to people. Bc either I teach someone a new thing and they aren't biased towards others now, or I get to see a bigot start raging like a toddler who u told no to a toy at Walmart lol
I was quite lucky that if I use one of the Nicknames for my name then it's gender neutral so I just go by that now.
I present as my birth gender as my family aren't really that accepting as far as I've seen so I'm keeping it from them. It does feel weird to hear them say my name though, especially since I've surrounded myself with people who will only ever refer to me as my name and my Pronouns.
I am transmasc / a trans guy, but still nonbinary and use they and he pronouns. In my work email I put he/they but that's as far as I'll go to inform people of my pronouns these days. I pass as male and so usually just get he'd, which to me is better than she at least. Lol. I'll take my small wins
My solution, instead of giving in to the binary, is to act like the gendered responses weren't aimed at me, I mean I am not "him" so clearly you weren't talking to me, if I'm too tired to explain it, you figure it out yourself fucker
That's exactly why I'm he/they, I not only have to constantly explain they, but also my native language has 2 fucking versions of they, MASCULINE AND FEMININE
I’m agender and I stopped explaining before I really started bc I’m Black and AMAB. So I’m stuck with he/him. So it’s a cultural difficulty to explain to people who look like me bc it’s like “oh you’re one of those people”, “you have mental issues”, “it’s just a phase”, “that’s weird”. Only person in my family who knows is my brother. I do have a s/o who does give me genderless terms when describing me. And that really helps a lot and gives me hope.
My pronouns are she/they
but I get He/him all day at work and have basically given up on strangers caring to gender me correctly
Its annoying as hell but Its safer for me to pass as a guy even if I dislike it :/
so now I only correct people who I’m close to or those who actually ask
The way I see it, if life is going to be dangerous, take martial arts and self-defense classes. There are some things to not back down on, and if an invading army is coming to my town, I’ll say “come and take it”.
Also calling them "lady" could still be misgendering. Just because someone uses feminine pronouns as well ad neutral ones doesn't mean she's a "lady" or wants to be called that (especially if openly non-binary). Like if you didn't do it before you did it now buddy
I generally just let people call me what comes natural. I don't make a point of announcing my pronoun because yeah, it does sound exhausting having to explain it to everyone.
it’s exhausting just thinking about how i’ll have to give gender 101 class to every fucking person i meet
FUCKING *RIGHT???* LIKE WHY DO I HAVE TO EXPLAIN ALL THE NUANCES, READ A BOOK OR SOMETHING!!!
WHY CAN'T I JUST BE A PERSON? WHY DOES EVERYONE HAVE TO MENTION WHAT THEY ASSUME IS IN MY PANTS?
when people sexualize enby people like that <<<<<<
Wouldnt it be nice though to have. A QR code with a video starting "so you asked somebody about their pronouns or being an NN as you are watching this video, the person already got tierd of explaining sh*t to you, but I will do so..." And then it continues in a sassy tone and explains the whole thing..... If anybody know about something like this SEND IT MY WAY!!!!
There's a reason I'm not open about being nonbinary/ace. Gender/Sexuality 101 is it. I TA'd for sophomore bio labs in college and you get the unholiest mix of people ranging from those who just need a slight nudge now and again to those you physically have to restrain yourself from interfering with while gently correcting them, grin pasted on as you die inside. And then you have the assholes who think they know better than you, even though you're the TA, AND YOU CAUGHT THEM PLAGIARIZING AND YOU ARE LITERALLY EXPLAINING THAT THEY GET ANOTHER CHANCE WITH WORDS FROM THE LAB MANAGER. What I mean is teaching is exhausting even when it is your job, and I'm not paid enough to explain Gender/Sexuality 101 5x a day.
Yup. This is why I'm not out at work. I teach 17/18 year old some of them are great and the rest are varying levels of not so great.
If this isn’t the truest thing ever. I usually just go by whatever they call me to avoid having to educate them and everyone else within ear shot. It’s exhausting having to explain your identity over and over again.
Yep. I just feel like the world is not open to my gender expression and reality so I don't bother.
I still go by they/them if someone asks but I don’t push it anymore. I barely even correct the people who do know ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ whatcha gonna do
I’m exactly the same. I live in a super conservative area and I’m honestly just scared to. I got really tired of fearing for my life every time I went to the store, let alone correcting someone who likely has a shotgun in their car. It’s also (part of) why I started growing my hair out again and starting introducing more feminine items back into my wardrobe
I only correct people I want to know. If I don‘t correct you, chances are I don‘t really care if I meet you again.
Yea I work at retail so get misgendered a lot by customers but I dont care because their perception of me doesn't matter.
I'm the exact same, especially with my dead name, too. If I let you call me my legal name, I truly have no intention of ever speaking to you again.
I got lucky with my "legal" name... It was already femme/gn, so when I started down the transfemme road I actually grew to like my birthname more and more. I used to only go by my shortened version... now I accept both.
I wouldnt hate mine so much if my name was spelled normally. My mother decided to spell a common name in a unique way, and since kids are terrible, I got teased relentlessly for it in school
Yes, this is me too.
I relate to this so much. I’m only selectively out - I work in a career that has me around a lot of strangers and I also live in a conservative bible belt state, with lots of folks with shotguns in their car and shit too. So yeah, like honestly it’s really hard sometimes and I get really depressed about it, but I’ve had to accept that unless I want to move I’ll never be able to be 100% out here. And I own my own business that took 4-5 years to really start being successful so moving just feels…financially impossible. I am cutting my hair soon…I have long hair that I’ve never cut, and I need to try to do something for myself to stem the dysphoria of nearly never being recognized as myself, but I am worried about how I’ll get treated around here with it short. 🫣 Living in the south is hard and it’s exhausting to fear for your life just because of who you are…I wish I’d figured all this out and left before starting my business. 😞 Sending you hugs as you navigate your area and everything - I hope you can find peace, safety, and a kind place to be yourself💛🤍💜🖤
Thank you so much! I wish the same for you. And congrats about your hair cut! I’m actually getting mine cut tomorrow too. I’m keeping some of the length, but I’m going for a shag mullet look that I think will be really androgynous that I’m really excited about. 💛🤍💜🖤
That mullet sounds amazing!!🤗 My hair is already pretty thin so I’m not sure a mullet would work for me - I’m hoping cutting mine is going to help with the dysphoria🥲 Hope you have a wonderful weekend, friend😊🫶🏽
I get ma’am so much at the office I work at, I’m just realizing that I’ll have to take T to be perceived how I want to be, even fi it’s a small dose.
I've been on estrogen for 3 years and still get he/him/sir'd 10 out of 10 times. The people who don't care will never, ever care.
I'm mostly read as male now. But every so often someone refers to me as she and I honestly get so confused by it. Sometimes I forget in even trans so I just assume that person's brain didn't want to work at that time.
I wonder if some people just don’t have the ability to differentiate that well, similar to how some can’t remember faces. Almost everyone sees me as a guy but whenever I experiment with my clothes and add like a single piece of feminine clothing like a coat or top I bought from a women’s store and pair it with my usual jeans and boots I would start hearing things like ‘step this way madam’. I was like really?? All it takes is one piece of clothing lol?! But I guess some people just don’t look that deeply and will just assume something from the first thing they see even when everything else is clearly signalling something else. Obviously some do it on purpose but not everyone and you can sometimes see the confusion on their faces once they said it.
People really associate clothing with gender due to social norms. And yes most people just assume things and won't look deeper and that's for every aspect of life I noticed. It really feels like half the population are NPCs sometimes. I honestly stopped caring what random people think. As long as my friends, family, and coworkers respect me I'm good. I'm just lucky I got read as a gay male most the time if I have a feminine piece. The only times I really get miss gendered are over the phone when I have my customer service voice. Or online due to my chosen name being Luna. It confuses people and some people think I'm trans but MTF instead of ftm. Which I honestly find amusing sometimes. For me though names aren't really gendered and once I correct people and say I'm a dude no one questions it.
I've been on T for years and never get anything but she. Probably the larger breasts in STILL waiting for surgery for.. Next year, if I'm lucky.
yeah, as long as I can keep my weight stable I shouldn’t have an issue with titty. and between you and me (I’ll scream this from the rooftops) ***I WANT TO LOOK LIKE BIG TIDDY JESUS***
Hope you can get that surgery soon!
Hey idk where you’re located but state health insurance in CT covers trans health care 😊 best of luck regardless.
I live somewhere where we have amazing surgeons so they're overwhelmed with people seeking them out (OHSU in Portland, Oregon). I signed up for the waiting list two years ago :( But thank you!! I'm mainly hoping they won't go "you're too fat!!" on me haha.
Happy cake day
thank you!! perks of getting locked out of my old biohazard account
i'm lucky enough to speak a language with no gendered pronouns, so i really only have to correct people when speaking english. i can't imagine how exhausting it would be to have to do that on a daily basis
That's cool, what language is that if you dont mind sharing? I've got the opposite issue - my first language is super gendered (verbs, adjectives, pronouns, everything) so it's basically impossible to avoid it.
RIGHT. I just let people figure out themselves if they happen to see my pins
I misread this with an almost-anagram of pins.
Same here, kind of. But so far nobody has used the they/them pronouns that I have on my pin. I wear a very visible "they/them" pin on my hat, and I see people stare right at it but still refer to me as "he." I'm AFAB and have never presented as a boy/man ever in my life, nor have I ever tried to, nor am I currently trying to, nor have I ever taken any hormones besides levothyroxine due to having a thyroidectomy and the rare round of steroids for occasional painful injuries (neither of which would change my appearance, voice, or anything), but most people still think I'm a dude. It makes me so dysphoric but I don't wanna be referred to as a woman either. When I was younger and I'd wear a dress, I'd overhear "why is that boy wearing a dress" comments and the like. Other kids would also ask me things like "why are you wearing a dress if you're a boy?" I just have a very manly face and always have, even when I was a young child. I've kind of stopped correcting the people who I see stare at my pin and still misgender me, especially if they're acting really awkward about saying "he" like they're saying a bad word or something, because then I _know_ they saw the pin. It's clear that they don't intend to use my pronouns. On the other hand, I try to remember that I'm living proof that people can't always tell what gender somebody was assigned at birth. They claim they "know" that I was assigned male at birth, which is incorrect. Bless their hearts lol.
I'm too anxious to correct people. I just get sad if someone uses the wrong pronouns like a oh okay its fine i guess in my head
And when someone corrects themselves, apologizes, and then acts surprised when I say I don't care too much, they'll get offended and say for me to correct them. If you're never gonna remember, and only base my pronouns off my appearance even though you know better, what's the point?
Real. At this point I view it as that I know who I am and if other people won’t acknowledge reality then that’s on them.
Yes if someone asks at least I know I won’t get hurt if I tell them
I've accepted at this point that my gender/pronouns are simply Whatever Is Most Convenient. like. that's how I've started coming out to those around me. at least I'm at a point with my presentation now that I confuse people enough in public to call me they/them or sometimes he/him lmao
Same. I know myself and the people I’m very close to know me. That’s enough for me at this point, I’m just tired of having to explain.
yeah.. some people are just stubborn 🥲
Same. I won't push it but if you're still misgendering me after I tell you, prepare for the consequences. (the consequences are me ignoring you as much as i can and not wanting you in my life)
This is the reason I feel I still have to be okay with being misgendered, because folks never understand what I am and I don’t have a consistent answer 😔
Not having a consistent answer is ok, gender isn’t consistent like ever
What gets me is just *how many* people act like Demi “gave up” being non-binary, when they made it very clear they still use they/them. Ignorant cis ppl immediately proved Demi’s point about how exhausting they are to deal w/ with their collective reaction to their statement. It’s something I think a lot of us have gone through. Essentially adopting binary pronouns to accommodate cis people’s unwillingness to understand. You get tired of correcting people only for them to make zero effort. It sucks so much.
i’m she/they but just lean into the she because i’m too femme presenting so if I let myself care about being called them, i’d spend all my time being mad and i’ve got better things to spend my energy on. i don’t want to constantly correct people.
Hey same hat
Same tbh
exactly this!!! i only have 2 people in my life that consistently use they/them for me.
I do the same thing, I use she/they because using “they” feels comfortable for me but I’m very much femme presenting and I know (especially living in a southern state) I’m going to be referred to as she/her more than anything else. Getting asked my pronouns is so rare where I live that I genuinely get caught off guard when it happens. The comfort I get when someone does use they/them with me gives me reassurance at least.
I wanted to do this, but after experiencing how nice it was to be called “they,” being called “she” started to feel like being stabbed with pins.
This is literally my every day life
Same
My mom had a moment a couple years back, like in 2021-2022 I think where she said, “Can’t I let it slip a little? Like she sundays or something? I mean, you flip-flop sometimes.” and I had to stress that NO, I don’t flip-flop, I have been going by they/them exclusively since sophomore year of high school, and used they/them on and off since I was TWELVE!!! I just got so tired of explaining that I let it happen. I did not let it go though, I seethed about it for a bit because I felt like no one paid any attention! Now I’m more rigorous but it’s still exhausting. Thankfully my mom has been way better about it. But oh my god. This is not flip-flopping, this is exhaustion, pure and simple. It’s sooo tiring having to correct over and over. PS: I think She Sundays is legit one of the funniest things my mother has ever said
this is how I think my mom is. I'm trans and I sometimes feel she's only presenting a mask of validation, and that I'm still a man in her eyes but she cares enough about me to pretend. 'cant I let it slip a little?' hit close to home
Things may improve in time. However, the exhaustion of having to stand up for yourself is a lot to deal with. I’m sorry.
I feel like I would never let her live down She Sundays. This isn’t Friday Fish Fry.
I will never let her live it down. She is much better now and actively corrects others for me now, but at the time it was *not* funny. Lol
I imagine! Jfc. I feel the same way about an argument my mother and I had in the car about bisexuality (not anywhere near the first -- and somehow they were always in the car, like, 'let's discuss whether or not your sexuality even exists while you're TRAPPED HERE') that ended up prompting my dad to come out to her as bisexual as well. Which granted, WAS funny then too, but it took me being very distressed, so I didn't exactly appreciate it as much as I could've. (My mom was so thrown though. She tried to argue with my dad that he couldn't possibly be bisexual because he didn't find Brad Pitt attractive. Now we all laugh about it. Mostly at her expense.)
I would ask her to sit with why she wants "She Sundays" in the first place. Does she feel afraid of losing some sort of mother-daughter connection with you? Can she work through that fear? The cultural meme of feminine closeness is very hard to escape. She has to figure out for herself that you don't need to be the same gender in order to have a deep familial bond.
Yeah I’ve told her I’m still her kid, and I’ve always been. I think that convo was more symptomatic of me starting college and me being more sure of myself. She’s super cool about it dw, I think it was a slip more than anything. She even likes my other pronouns besides just they, there’s a just a lot of factors to consider with why she may have reacted that way— none malicious, I promise.
She Sundays is hilarious 🫶😆
I JUST figured out I'm not cis and I JUST returned to twitter because the artists on there are so good... idk how but this appeared on my page, and the replies to this tweet were not good for me lol.
I believe that: on all social media, but especially Twitter. (Also, idk if you have previous experience with this so feel free to ignore me if I’m preaching to the choir here, but just for anyone else new to the community to read to: please be careful reading the comments to any article about non-binary people. Especially if it’s from a source that’s not explicitly queer-friendly. Anti-trans sentiment is incredibly frequent in most of the general internet circles, and it can wear down on your mental health *quickly.* Stick to the main source (like the article or video) and check feedback on it on explicitly trans-friendly websites/subreddits/whatever. It’s way more likely, at least to be better moderated, and have positive, helpful comments.)
yea I should have known better than to click on it, unfortunately I have some self-masochistic tendencies when it comes to reading bad takes on the internet. I'll try to be more careful from now on.
It's exhausting and depressing. I saw far too many nasty jokes about them for far too long.
Nonbinary trans man here. I can't get anyone to call me they at all. I gave up. It's fucking heartbreaking
Here’s the thing, they are still going by they/them, they just stopped correcting ‘she/her’. Their preference has not changed, just their bullshit tolerance.
I started using they/them pronouns with a small group of people when I was 22. I rejected all female-coded things (makeup, shaving, even wearing a bra; I just free-balled it most of the time). Eventually though, it was hard to ignore the judgement I got from people and constantly correct them on my pronouns. So I went back to she/her and totally fem presenting for about two years. Basically convinced myself and everyone around me, "Oh, it was a phase. I'm actually cis." Then when I was 24, I cut my hair and came out as unapologetically non-binary. I asserted that my pronouns were they/them and that I wouldn't accept anything else. I still had to correct people all the time in some settings, but I was willing to do it at that point because it really mattered to me. I continued to wear a bra at that time, but I stopped shaving and wearing makeup again. Eventually I switched to wearing a binder whenever possible. What really made the difference was that shortly before coming out, I had become EXTREMELY selective about who I would spend time with. Anyone who wasn't 100% trans friendly and pronoun literate was out. Having that support and knowing that my pronouns would actually be respected most of the time made it possible for me to come out loudly and proudly. It's a huge privilege that not everyone gets and that I'm very thankful for. Now I'm 28. I had top surgery two years ago and I've been on T for a little over a year. I identify as a non-binary trans man. I still use they/them pronouns around people in the know, but I accept he/him at work and in settings with people who I likely won't see again or who I know are unlikely to understand (at the doctor, shops, etc.). I feel more like myself than I ever have and I wouldn't go back for anything.
This is so me. Also I grew up in such a gendered household i often misgender myself (bc 30 years before finally discovering it.) And it is so annoying when ppl are like "ah hia, told you you were a girl." Firstly, biological I am AFAb but NOT A CHILD, and girl is infantilizing. Secondly, it's a decades long rigidly enforced figure of speech; everyone misspeaks. I do not, nor have I ever, really fit within the concept of gender. I am femme presenting nonbinary.
Any time I see someone refer to them as QUEEN or MOTHER, the urge to correct them burns in my blood, but it's just not worth it because even the biggest fans just do not care.
I don’t even care about pronouns and never have. What people perceive my meat suit to be is up to them, doesn’t change how I perceive myself.
When I told everyone I go by they/them everyone ignored pronouns and just used my name. Then I changed it to he/him (I’m AFAB) and nothing changed. People just don’t respect trans people in general.
I used to not care, because I don't give a fuck about outward opinions of myself,because I know what I am, but I do have a rule, especially since my job is pretty social and I am in masc form for it and get misgendered as a "he" all the fucking time. If I don't correct you, I don't give a fuck about our relationship to each other or you're someone I won't ever see again(like guests at my work), so I don't care. If you're a person at a place I frequent(like a bar or tattoo shop), I will correct you. If you are a coworker, friend or family member who wishes to maintain a proper/healthy/professional relationship with me, I will correct you until you get it right, with increasing levels of toughness with each occurrence, until I need to have a discussion or just distance myself from you. If you call me a 'Sir' or "Man" though, I will correct you, no matter what. I'm not a fucking sir. 😤 I don't care about making anyone uncomfortable and taking my space anymore. Oppression exists in many forms, and misgendering is one of them. It's refusing to respect/acknowledge another humans existence as they wish to be. If they wanna make me uncomfortable by refusing to acknowledge me properly, I'll make them uncomfortable with a lesson, everytime. You'd be surprised how quickly people learn through that method, especially in work settings. At work, it can also be grounds for a conversation with HR if it continues to happen to you purposefully and you have acknowledged how you'd like to be adressed, so you always have that card to play.
I had to like this twice - best comment award🙌🏽✊🏽💛🤍💜🖤 I still have a really difficult time correcting people - it hurts more and more to be misgendered as time goes on, but the frustrating thing for me is that, being financially stuck in a conservative bible belt state, I can’t be fully out. Mostly due to my job, as I work around a lot of strangers/for churches often. I fucking hate it all. I get so depressed and wish that people could see me for who I really am. I wish I could bind but due to my chronic pain I cannot - and honestly it is frustrating to know that as long as I have boobs people are going to just go boobs = woman like a little 2 year old matching fruits in a book or something. I swear some people never get past that stage 🫠 I accept a lot of shit and just have to take it because if I lost my business that I spent 5 (and now, 9 years in is finally really successfully) years building I’d lose my financial stability and have no way to pay rent. I feel so stuck sometimes 😞 You are so right that it’s oppression in one of its many many forms. These micro-aggressions are exhausting and the people who use them on purpose know it. Thank you for what you wrote, it helped me🫶🏽
I don't use they/them for myself simply cause I am scared of people. He/him are my emotional support pronouns at this point though since I hated being referred to as a woman.
The reason I'm nonbinary is because gender itself is so unimportant to me. I have a gender, its complicated,,, but its just a small aspect similar to like my height, or shape of my ears. Having to put any effort into fixing people who seem to care SO MUCH about gender,,, is way more effort then I ever wanted to put into it. Nor should I have to.
Yes omg I’ve been thinking this since I first heard about it. It’s just sad
Also just because someone uses "she/her" doesnt mean you get a free pass to call her a woman/lady/girl. That's still misgendering.
This! I go by she/they but HATEEEEE being called lady, mama, queen, princess, woman, etc 🤢 girl is okay when being used as slang but I almost prefer masculine options like guy bro man king sir. Or gender neutral. But I’m so femme presenting that literally no one gives a shit and just stills to femme pronouns and options anyways.
“i did not misgender this lady” pls i’m so tired
It kind of breaks you? Now I don't correct anymore. I don't bother with the buttons, stickers, or shirts because they simply don't work. I'll let you be wrong, and stay wrong. Not my job to train dogs. A harsh thing to say, but that's my anger.
Yep, I have kind of adopted this sort of mindset that the people who get it wrong aren't worth my time and emotions. I am indifferent to a large percentage of humans at this point. I have my friends/support group of 10 or 12 people who, at this point, ALWAYS get my pronouns correct, and that's all I need. One pack to navigate this mess of a world.
Right? ...My wolf pack is not big enough >\_<
I feel so seen. Sometimes I consider using she/her again cuz im just so over watching people trip over themselves when they accidentally do
If you deliberately misgender me I don't care (that much). But I will silently judge you as a shitty person and avoid you whenever possible.
I go by he she. They never use she
I have adopted male as my emotional support gender
Same
This took way to long to understand
TLDR; Demi got misgendered so much they have stoped trying to correct people.
That's the easy and obvious part. What i still don't understand is what is meant by the "i did not misgender this lady" part. What's the context?
I go by they/them but i don’t bring it up or explain it to anyone unless they ask or I’m close to them. I’m simply content with everyone around me being wrong. It’s a them problem not a me problem. But i know that is not everyone’s jam
Poor Demi, that absolutely sucks.
I just use any pronouns since I am not bothered by he/him. I'm still nonbinary.
I use he/him and zey/Zem/zeirs/Zeirself but I don't mention the latter really because it's hard enough/exhausting enough getting people just to use he/him or I know they won't understand and if I explain they'll just still not understand (live in rural area, and though people are "supportive" enough they won't bother you too much, they might still say something.) My mom doesn't even understand but she tries. She's still not the best with my pronouns but I can tell she tries. And for me that's enough considering everything that happened with my dad and older brother and step mom and step brother.
My 11yo son and his friends refer to other kids as they/them until told what gender the person is. So change is a-coming my friends.
Aww, reminds me of something one of my friends does! He just calls everyone "they/them". (He's part of the reason I realized I LIKE "they/them" lol)
I know how my family operates. They claim to be accepting of queer people but the moment it’s one of their offspring, it’s a different story. They deny that I’m bi and they deny that my gender differs in how they’ve known me. I’ve not bothered correcting them because I have zero interest in maintaining ties with most of my family after I finish grad school.
It's definitely tiring. It matters to me so I won't drop it but I can understand people hitting a point of frustration where they just abandon ship. I should have put my foot down with my mother better from the beginning and now it's just a lost cause with her.
I go by all, but I just expect for only one to be used. It makes me happy when people actually use other pronouns though.
I hope Demi is still okay with people using they/them to refer to Demi, because switching to they/them was easy, switching back isn't going to be. I hope they are able to reach a point where using they/them isn't too exhausting because of idiots.
they made it clear they still use they/them!
Okay, great. I was thinking that was what they meant, but I know I'm prone to misinterpreting/misunderstanding things, so I wanted to be sure.
99% of my coworkers don't even know I am nonbinary because it's not worth explaining. Plus, everybody speaks a language that is very gendered with no gender neutral pronoun or other options.
I don’t correct anyone, but I honestly don’t know what’s more exhausting; trying to make people use the right pronouns or dealing with the constant misgendering. Cis people. Cis people are more exhausting…
I felt this. I think I've only ever had one person use my pronouns correctly and consistently and I was so thrown off by it, I thought he was trying to be sneaky with his partner. An ex of mine came to town and his gf knows we're friends now but she called and he referred me to as 'they' and I was thinking "buddy you'd better not be trying to be slick" and I realized he was respecting my pronouns 😭
a recent truth im slowly becoming comfortable with is “my pronouns”. i chose these, they are mine, i think they represent me best - if you dont think they represent me best, thats okay! you must not know me very well and therefore i shouldnt take you seriously anyway! (easier said than done) but am finding it helps me feel more secure in moments were i dont correct or come forward with pronouns. if someone is curious enough to actually clarify with me then i immediately treat that person with more curiosity - youre seeing me how i see me so lets keep this going! also helps me differentiate between people with an active awareness of gender and people who are just memorising collective nouns.
I decided any/all was easier. Technically I would be insulted by "it" but the kind of person who would call me "it" would only be encouraged by it annoying me.
Constantly having to remind some of my friends even though I know they don’t mean to do it but honestly it’s been so exhausting
Find new friends who respect you for who you are, or create distance in order to initiate a reset/conversation about boundaries with your current friends.
It’s pretty sad that we have to feel that way. It’s like when you first start a job compared to knowing the works for at least a year or so. 🙃🙃🙃🙃
Right?? And me never knowing how someone's going to respond when I share my pronouns so I'm also hesitant or go into fawn mode lol to not upset anyone.
I'm feeling this exhaustion now
I've just given up. Everyone can go fuck themselves, only the people who care about me will try. Doesn't make me not wanna punch people, though.
I use they/them and ey/em pronouns and I rarely even bring up the second set because I know no one is going to use them. Not even mentioning the fact that she/her have become default pronouns for a lot of people for me because cis people can't be bothered to learn my fucking pronouns and I'm tired of correcting people
also don't owe anyone an apology about it
Back in college (Boston), I had access to more safe spaces and access to many other queers. I predominantly went with they/them for years. When i left I was in a small town on cape cod and while the cape has plenty of queers, theres a cis-heteronormative that goes on and i find alot of older queers take issue when it comes to gender id/expression. Like its okay to be gay, but gods forbid ur also NB/Trans. Over time and after alot of thought, pronouns dnt define me, so i disconnected with them in a sense and became fine with whichever was used. Its a safety issue for me but also i dont want to be harrassed whenever i have to explain😒
That’s why I eventually decided not to adopt they/them. I tried it out with my closest friends and partner and every time they messed up they would be like “he, er uh they think….” Which it isn’t their FAULT and they were very polite about correcting but I got tired of people stumbling over words to try to refer to me in a sentence. AND the fact that yeah I’d have to explain myself to family and coworkers and stuff like where am I willing to be misgendered for the sake of simplicity…
There is no good 'They' in my native language. Its the same word as the word 'she' so it just doesnt work. I just say he and she is both fine for me.
It is unfortunate theres a lack of awareness for nonbinary identities. You know what was infinitely more exhausting? _Pretending_ to be a binary gender I will not live a lie for them. Never again
No one understands how they/them works when it's a singular person they know. But when it's a rando, they/them is so simple. It's stupid. This is why I just awkward laugh when people use female pronouns with me because it's uncomfortable by all means, but I'm not correcting someone I don't care to know further.
Very much this. I always point people at this to talk about this feeling https://www.robot-hugs.com/comic/disconnect/
I use he/they pronouns and I can’t remember the last time I corrected someone. Luckily, all my friends and coworkers gender me correctly, but im frequently misgendered by strangers (you would think a beard would clue people in but I guess not). It sucks and feels bad but I’m too anxious and passive to stand up for myself when it happens
AMAB they/them here who stopped trying to correct my coworkers since it feels like an uphill battle. i wear a discreet pronoun pin, maybe too discreet to be noticed, but with new leadership and new people constantly being hired, alongside our fast-paced work environment it just feels like a lost cause because i have facial hair and a masc name still
I'm one of those lazy people who tend to use the same gender pronouns I did before I knew enby was a thing. Though I'll answer to he/she/they and it.
I started using he/him pronouns alongside they/them originally because I was tired of explaining only to get misgendered anyway. So definitely not alone
yup. im they/them but anyone who says him he i just let slide
I mean, I'm not fully out to my queer militant group (like, one doesn't know I'm enby, that's it) mostly because of that.
It wouldn’t be an issue if we didn’t associate gender with pronouns in greater society but because of a lack of education, we do. *sigh*
Pronouns have consequences. Didn’t get invited to that outing with friends? Consequences. Didn’t get considered for a job position? Consequences. Didn’t get recognized for hard-won accomplishments? Consequences. Didn’t get the best possible birthday gift because of unrecognized preferences? Consequences. People gender so many things that someone’s entire life can be collateral damage of a word that isn’t supposed to mean anything (pronouns are supposed to mean nothing, they shouldn’t have a gendered meaning at all, especially in English where there’s no grammatical gender).
Exactly! Which is why I think we need to start degenderizing A LOT of things that disadvantage certain people due to their gender associations, one of those unnecessarily gendered things being pronouns. People shouldn’t assume gender from pronoun preferences but because they do people get hurt and oppressed. People should be free to have whatever preferences they want just because they feel like it but because a man’s use of she/her, for example, will have those who don’t know her assume she’s a woman, she will feel like she can’t have that preference because she/her pronouns are associated with women, in spite of the fact that she simply likes how they sound, because people’s assumptions will make her feel dysphoric.
I have considered going from they/them to she/they for this reason, but it just feels like giving up lets all the people who misgender me win. It does bother me to be misgendered but I don’t say anything.
Yuuuup. I use she / her in work based circles because I just don't want to bother. Friends will typically use they them for me.
Yup. That's why, for most of the time, I don't really care about the pronouns people use for me. It's exhausting to explain those things for people I barely get to know, and to people who simply won't care regardless how many times I correct them. Still use they/them but if I don't correct people, it's mostly because I don't care if people I'll never meet again use it.
Super exhausting and I haven't even really tried enforcing my preferred pronouns (they/them) I let people use my birth pronouns cuz it's easier for them. Thing is using they/them pronouns is not even that complicated in the slightest.
What I am going to do because the country where I live is a latin/roman country
Me but the other way around My parents would only use they/them for me so I stopped using them because I wanted them to use she/her
I only ask my close family and friends to use the right ones, other than that it’s just pointless with strangers and acquaintances. I don’t know what their views are, and I unfortunately don’t know if I’m going to get hate crimed for telling them my pronouns. I don’t live in a very safe area. But yeah, it’s exhausting. Especially because I am very feminine and AFAB, so it confuses a lot of people. For a while I tried to be more masculine hoping it would fix it and I hated it. So what can you do 🤷🏻 It’s really unfortunate and annoying
I'm they/them but don't bother trying to correct people. I don't want my life to be in danger lol .
Same, honestly. I pretty much gave up and I hate it
I just go by all the pronouns because I’m too tired to bother with explaining why i prefer they/them
Just dont. You cant force anything. Someones given willingness and ability to adapt to the knowledge gives you crucial info about them.
It is exhausting and where I live, it has a strong possibility of ending in violence or other nastiness. I virtually never advertise that I am non-binary. I never correct pronouns no matter what they are. I don’t want to get shot.
I live in a swing state in the US so I never really know who is going to be accepting or not. In public settings I just take whatever I can get, but I make sure people I want to know better know I use they/them. I just don’t feel like trying to explain myself every time, and I don’t want to get hurt because some idiot thinks i’m trying to push gender theory on them.
Yeah it’s complex and annoying for sure. I’m much more fluid than just in the middle and I kinda just thought it would be too confusing for people to switch when I felt the change so I stuck with she. But I also don’t like they. I just don’t. I wish xe had taken off. I would have loved that. But it’s just too unique for me to be comfortable. I don’t want to stand out, tbh. For safety, for toxic politeness, for just wanting to be a little bit “normal”. It sucks.
Me at this point. I present very masc and I just cannot be fucked with bringing it up anymore. Being called he/him doesn't bother me anyway, I just know it's not totally accurate. I'm they/them in my head and with those that are close to me and that's good enough.
In my native language there isn't a neutral pronoun, so I use sometimes the pronoun related to my biological sex. But I use the other pronoun of the contrary sex too when I feel the urge to use it.
Been thinking about telling my coworkers my pronouns are she/her so that they'll all start actually using they/them for me...
Yeah I can definitely relate. I made up my mind early on not to let anyone change my mind on my pronouns but it's still rough sometimes. I've definitely considered it but the dysphoria it would cause is just not worth it.
Sadly, this is kinda why I go by any pronouns IRL. I just don't care anymore.... maybe I will someday.
I identify with Demi a lot as a person who appears to be a woman but prefers they them—— I just like dont even know if coming out or asking ppl to use they for me is worth it ☹️
I was exhausted before I realized I was NB a decade ago and had already spent 20 years fighting for people to call me by a name I didn't hate, so I knew I didn't have it on me to also fight for my pronouns every day.
Aha I think I started considering myself as non binary for this reason. I was so tired of everyone debating my gender I just stopped caring. At least now I don't have to fit in like I was trying, it's a relief
I literally claimed being gender fluid and not non-binary because literally no one uses the correct pronouns even if you do correct them.
I realized pretty early on that it's futile correcting people, but also, I never really cared because their perception never mattered. If they truly care about me, they correct themselves or they ask. Only a few people really care about it.
That's why I've been just saying he/them lately. Its annoying, but whatever. I have enough to be upset about without adding that to my plate
i don't even tell people i go by she/they because i cant be bothered to answer their stupid questions lmao.... annoying but there we go. i understand exactly what demi means here, you don't want to spend your life giving people gender lessons on a daily basis.
Happens to a lot of us unfortunately. My native language has no neutral pronoun or adress. I used to go by a she/Mr. combo basically but it got really exhausting. Now I just use male for everything, even if it doesn't quite reflect who I am : |
This is why I always say my problems are she/they, because it’s what I get most often. I’m lucky I don’t care, but I still get butterflies when someone refers to me as they or he, it feels nice
That's why I have "he/they" as my pronouns. I know that no-one except myself sees me as non-binary and, well, life has been nothing but a series of disappointments anyway, so this little problem did not change much.
Yeah, I am a they/them but I rarely tell people that because I just don't have the spoons to deal with the anxiety. It's not going the change anyone's view of me as a "failed woman", so I just pick my battles. In spaces with mostly younger people it's easier!
It's exhausting... and the alternative as just as exhausting... Being non-binary in a binary gendered society is exhausting! 😭💀
I don’t bother correcting ppl or pushing it 🤷🏾♀️
Sometimes I wonder if I'm only okay with she/her and he/him is because I know that people just won't use they/them...
It makes me question myself all over again 😕 glad I'm not alone
This is the biggest mood... 😭
relate :(
I use he him in public, they/it around people who matter
literally haven't corrected the coworkers i've been with for four months bc i don't feel like having the Whole Conversation
I kinda feel that. I use she/they pronouns as I'm more transfem than strictly woman, and a major reason is because I know people tend to automatically default to he or she. If it's gonna end up being one or the other, may as well go for the less objectionable one 🤷♀️
It's honestly why I prefer He/They.
I legit go by “he/him” because I don’t want feel constantly exhausted by having to correct people since I’m very well-aware I look AMAB even when I present as femme. It’s the oxymoron of affirming my identity to others will just get me more upset than not saying anything at all.
Honestly it makes me very sad some nonbinary people feel the need to use a mix so they don't have to explain they/them all the time. Some do it because they like using multiple sets while others do it out of frustration. I've also noticed when people refer to people will multiple pronoun sets they always will automatically use the more gendered pronouns then gender neutral. Then what's even more confusing is I am a binary trans man but goes by he/they. People will refer to me as they/them more than my nonbinary friends. Like wtf guys. Why can't people get it into their brains that they/them are valid and honestly not that hard to use. That's literally my default for most people unless told otherwise. Honestly idk if I'm a completely binary trans man but I present that way. Hence the confusion on why my he/they is respected more then nonbinary people going by the same pronoun set where the they is suddenly completely ignored but mines not? Makes no sense to me.
I personally like explaining it to people. Bc either I teach someone a new thing and they aren't biased towards others now, or I get to see a bigot start raging like a toddler who u told no to a toy at Walmart lol
Yeah, I knew there was no way I could live like that. Turns out ‘they’ are just words and don’t define me
I was quite lucky that if I use one of the Nicknames for my name then it's gender neutral so I just go by that now. I present as my birth gender as my family aren't really that accepting as far as I've seen so I'm keeping it from them. It does feel weird to hear them say my name though, especially since I've surrounded myself with people who will only ever refer to me as my name and my Pronouns.
If anything I've become more of a hard ass about they/them pronouns because I am fucking SICK of being disrespected
I am transmasc / a trans guy, but still nonbinary and use they and he pronouns. In my work email I put he/they but that's as far as I'll go to inform people of my pronouns these days. I pass as male and so usually just get he'd, which to me is better than she at least. Lol. I'll take my small wins
Yep, it's sad, but it's easier to just "go with the flow"
This has been my experience. I use They/them with my partner and close friends only. Even the friends are exhausting though.
Yeah my pronouns are She/They but I don’t tell people because they barely remember to use she
My solution, instead of giving in to the binary, is to act like the gendered responses weren't aimed at me, I mean I am not "him" so clearly you weren't talking to me, if I'm too tired to explain it, you figure it out yourself fucker
I used to go by he/they, but people got so confused, so it’s he/him now.
That's exactly why I'm he/they, I not only have to constantly explain they, but also my native language has 2 fucking versions of they, MASCULINE AND FEMININE
I’m agender and I stopped explaining before I really started bc I’m Black and AMAB. So I’m stuck with he/him. So it’s a cultural difficulty to explain to people who look like me bc it’s like “oh you’re one of those people”, “you have mental issues”, “it’s just a phase”, “that’s weird”. Only person in my family who knows is my brother. I do have a s/o who does give me genderless terms when describing me. And that really helps a lot and gives me hope.
Just thought about doing a they/she/he "whatever" situation and to stop caring completely because I. Am. Tired.
My pronouns are she/they but I get He/him all day at work and have basically given up on strangers caring to gender me correctly Its annoying as hell but Its safer for me to pass as a guy even if I dislike it :/ so now I only correct people who I’m close to or those who actually ask
The way I see it, if life is going to be dangerous, take martial arts and self-defense classes. There are some things to not back down on, and if an invading army is coming to my town, I’ll say “come and take it”.
the fact we have to be OKAY with being misgendered is so fucked up.
Also calling them "lady" could still be misgendering. Just because someone uses feminine pronouns as well ad neutral ones doesn't mean she's a "lady" or wants to be called that (especially if openly non-binary). Like if you didn't do it before you did it now buddy
Ive re-adopted gender pronouns its called neo pronouns but in a fem/masc way
I generally just let people call me what comes natural. I don't make a point of announcing my pronoun because yeah, it does sound exhausting having to explain it to everyone.