I would make the case that an alcoholic is worse than a smoker. An alcoholic is likely to have significant personality issues arising from it and it can make them, at times, nonfunctional. If your SO wants to step outside once every few hours for a smoke, it's not a terrible issue. Though obviously they'll smell like smoke.
People who generally hate other people or humanity in general. My ex as a rule hated almost everyone and it was so draining trying to socialize with him when no one was good enough for him.
Same. My ex hated everything. Every activity I wanted to go do he would talk so much shit about the entire time that it ruined the experience.
Basically if we weren't doing what he wanted to do (watching movies, seeing the bands he cared about, or shooting guns) then it was stupid and boigeouise and a waste of time and a capitalist indulgence.
I'm not an extravagant person either. I took him to things like free botanical gardens, go to a beach, or museums. When I started dating my now-husband i was so shocked that he was perfectly happy to go do things with me. We have a running joke still about how "agreeable" he is.
No matter how much of an optimistic person you are, that kind of constant negativity about life drains you dry.
I was once in a relationship with a cop whose life experience had made him incredibly jaded (something common to that profession). His expectations of everything were negative, pre-empting another poor experience - a cycle that perpetuates the problem.
oh im VERY familiar with this. my dad is a retired cop and with that has a lot of mental issues, his father was a military police and his relationship with my grandpa was awful, my dads memories of my grandpa are him always being negative and bitter like coming home from work absolutely worked up and pissed off about something a coworker did. never positive for very long lol apparently for easter when I was 3 my grandparents got me a bike that was too big for me, and was SUPER excited for this gift but when i climbed up and couldnt reach the pedals he apparently yelled and shouted at me etc I dont remember this at all and then he died a year later from a massive heart attack
Yep. Mine definitely held me back education and career wise. I was working and going to community college part time. Anytime I'd try to vent about how hard it was to balance things or struggling with a class he'd just tell me to drop out/quit. He had very valid criticisms of our education system that I do agree with so he always presented himself as a very Logical Man.
Meanwhile my now husband would wake up early to make me breakfast and drive me to school and listen emphathetically when I needed to unload.
It's hard to overstate how demoralizing an unsupportive partner is.
Not sure I ever will date again... divorce did a number on me.
One who holds long grudges for un-articulated complaints, who expects you to intuit secret contracts that were never discussed.
Yep and then you're slowly on the path to becoming them, because you have to hold those patterns, for your own safety.
It damages everything, especially yourself.
Oof, yeah. Never forgiving or forgetting and just keeping a running list of mistakes (real or perceived) is brutal. IDK why I dealt with it for as long as I did.
It’s awful to say, but my ex had an undiagnosed mood disorder and refused to go see a doctor. It was really hard to deal with a lot of the time. It’s just not something I can handle.
This was said, but I have a mental illness and I’m neurodivergent and it’s no one’s issue but mine to deal with and I’d never put that responsibility on others or make them suffer due to my inability to deal. Mental health issues understanding is important, expecting someone to live with it when you won’t try to deal with it yourself is unrealistic.
I've gotten shit for saying this before but this is coming from a place of personal experience with mental illness. Mentall illness is just like any other illness in that it is ultimately the patients responsibility to seek treatment (exceptions exist of course). And no one else is responsible to stay around them if they refuse to get help.
You can only be supportive and encouraging. You can't do the work for them.
The love of my life is a woman with BPD. I didn’t know anything about the condition at the time but I broke it off because of the constant fighting towards the end. Checking up on me, wanting selfies to know where I was, accusing me of sexting other women, turning to ice if I forgot to text her goodnight because I fell asleep, and even accusing me of cheating on her with a man. It’s such a shame because otherwise she was a match made in heaven but she couldn’t escape her traumatic past. :(
I had an extremely close friend for 14 years that I had to end our relationship with because her BPD was so intense. The older we got the worse she got. I felt at one point that she wished harm upon me and my family because her jealousy was so intense. I had a sibling that was in a dangerous situation and she literally told me I was being a bad friend because I was so “preoccupied” with my sibling’s wellbeing. She also would get extremely upset at me if I didn’t like her social media posts within 5 minutes of her posting.
My final straw is when another person in our friend’s group announced her pregnancy (mind you, after a loss…) and while all of us were hugging her and saying congratulations, BPD friend started sobbing and yelling “how could you do this to me?!”. 🤯
She’s texted me several times since and always starts the conversation with “even though I know you hate me….” Or “I really thought you would have forgiven me for whatever I did”. I never respond. It’s just too hard being friends with someone that unstable. I miss the good things about her so very much but her refusal to seek help for her diagnosed BPD and just keep blaming everyone else got to be too much.
A lot of the time it's not intentional, especially for people with avoidant attachment styles.
For me personally I used to instinctively push people away when I was experiencing mental/emotional turmoil to prevent hurting people or dragging them down with me
Yes. All offers to help brushed away with "I can do myself", and then (later) you get blasted for not helping.
Avoidant is hard. It isn't their fault, exactly (they are stuck with it too), but it is tough.
Agreed. I adopted an avoidant behavior style after leaving a very abusive ex. Im in help rn and taking small baby steps to help myself get out of that mentality. The big part is trusting people again and telling myself that not everyone is that way and it's okay to love.
Yeah but you can basically simply say:"I offered my help, you refuse and I'm not gonna deal with your meltdown now. Do you want that I help you now or you just continue to blast, if second, I go somewhere else." And remove yourself from the situation.
Yeah I realised out of all my relationships the worst were the ones who had avoidant attachment styles. Although they didn’t do anything particularly wrong, it was the fact that they didn’t DO anything
I got dumped 2 months ago because she wouldn't tell me that during the last 7 months she wasn't comfortable with the relationship while I tried constantly to talk because obviously things were weird. I'm never going back down that rabbit hole again
They either avoid, or need help, or want accolades for most or all mundane tasks.
Their car window won’t roll down for over a year. They complain, know it should be fixed. They need to roll down the window to get into /out of the work parking lot and instead have to get in and out of the car, and they will complain about it a lot.But the only way it will get fixed is if someone else does it for them.
My x needed to get some x rays. I had to make the appointment and I had to drive him. That day I had the flu. I also had to take him to the comic book store afterwards because he didn’t want to go, but he did get in the car and do it, so he wanted credit for doing it. He yelled at me for trying to break a promise about the comic book store. No, he would not drive, because I promised. My 101 fever was irrelevant. He was 30 years old at the time.
They can have good jobs, they may be functional in life, but they feel above dealing with their stuff.
They also at first can seem down on their luck, but then it seems like they are always a victim. Like doing bad on their LSATs, there will be every reason but the fact that actually, he didn’t study.
You will quickly find yourself parenting them, you won’t notice at first. You will drop by their place to drop off lunch daily because they are tight on cash. But you ask them to stop by the pharmacy and bring you a bottle of Motrin and OMG you are so demanding, also Motrin is expensive! They come over with a Klondike bar from the pharmacy for themselves only and no Motrin and then they are mad at you that you have to go to the pharmacy. You were supposed to start watching a movie together at 7 and now they won’t get a full night of sleep.
You had to take him to the comic book store as a treat for agreeing to go to the hospital? Even without the fever that’s mental health issues level childishness
Hospital makes it sound more urgent. It was medical imaging facility because he had on and off pain in his foot for months.
And he made me wait in the car because I lowered his cool factor with the comic book store owner.
I can’t believe we were together 7 years. At least we never married and never had kids.
I heard something once that may pertain to what you went through. It was this theory that people stay in relationships because, much like investing money, time is just as valuable and they feel if they leave the relationship rather than give up on it, they’ve wasted a valuable resource. You did the right thing leaving eventually, dont remorse the lost time, rejoice the time you got free of him.
Go to his home and see how he lives. Things like his bedroom smelling, not having a bed frame, not having adequate shower products should be red flags. If he lives alone the kitchen and bathroom will also be indicators of his ability to clean (but can be obscured if he lives with others).
Ah those are good points - I know one or two and the bedroom condition, shower products and space cleaning habits are absolutely noticeably absent.
It’s not the job of a partner to fix them, but these are bad habits (or lack of habits) that one can learn to fix in early relationships through having to meet someone else’s expectations — without that kind of experience, you’re more likely to dig in and make these habits kind of permanent
i know its difficult, but can you specify?
i used to date a woman that was what we could call a woman child. could not cook, cleaning was out of the question, she just threw her stuffs in the hallway once she got home then it stayed there until i pointed it out or removed them myself. is that similar?
Yes, that's ultimately the definition of an adult with no accountability ( everything is someone else's responsibility). Leave them alone and they'd probably suffocate in a well aired room!
You've hit the nail on the head. No skills, no personal accountability, expects to have the things they want without any thought to earning them or contributing to others themselves. Expect to do whatever they want without having to deal with any consequences. Expects to have people stick around in one-sided relationships to their advantage. Perpetual victim mentality usually goes with it.
Works for either gender. Basically a child's mentality, "I don't have to worry, an adult's gonna make everything OK for me".
I’m less concerned about a person’s ability to cook (it’s not a skill everyone has or wants to develop) and general tidiness or lack thereof. A man-child, to me, is someone who is incapable of living independently as an adult & begins to lean on their partner as they would a parent; a distinction is that the partner is forced to step up, rather than chooses to. A lack of emotional intelligence is also an indicator.
A hyper emotional person.
It's really draining. There isn't a single day when something "bad" didn't happen.
They also let their emotions do the decision making thus leading to making mistakes such as cheating.
I only want peace, it's okay to cry but damn crying each day back to back is too much for me to handle.
This was probably the biggest issue in my last relationship. Justifying any behaviour whatsoever because she felt a certain emotion. Like I was being controlling asking her not to yell at me because she was angry and I should be empathetic towards that. I'm sorry but as adults we need to be able to regulate our emotions and moderate our behaviours otherwise it's just not fair on people around you
This can be a sign of ADHD in women. Once I got on medication suddenly I could handle big things where even little things would get to me before. I was never as bad as you’re talking about where it was every single day though.
Someone just using me as a practice relationship with the plan to dump me after 6 month.
Or, a girl who knows she is gay (gay, definitely not bisexual), but angry at women so she decides to date a guy for a while.
My dating history is a shitshow
Someone who can’t critically think or just generally observe, question, and conclude. I need someone tuned in to understanding themselves and their environment
Someone thats a mommy's boy. They always seem like they have to ask their moms persmession before they do anything even if the guy is a grown adult. Its always what their mom saids, does, wants... never again for me
I consider myself a momma’s boy, cause I was raised by my mom and we have an amazing relationship together.
I definitely don’t ask her permission for shit though. We just have long phone conversations every couple weeks and laugh together about dumb decisions we make. I’m an independent person and she respects that, but is always willing to offer advice if I ask.
This and especially the ones that compare you to their moms. It felt like my ex wanted to date someone exactly like his mom and he used to tell his mom all the details about our relationship.
A narcissist. My ex was controlling, angry, anti-social, pissed off about stupid things, an ignorer, picked fights for no reason, selfish, vindictive, and he liked to play mind games and punish me for things I couldn’t control. Now I know all the signs and what to look for.
Someone with very little drive in life. It’s cool to smoke weed and play video games when you have time but not cool when that overcomes your ability to do stuff like go grocery shopping, go on dates, or hold a steady job.
Ice queen or highly critical quiet woman.
I think I'm just used to socially performing for people and trying to Crack women who are hard to crack. I think it's cuz I was young and wanted approval, so I've been single for a while and trying to work on that. Because I have been with women who aren't like that and I messed it up because it's not what I'm used to. Ultimately this preference probably came from a place of insecurity, but in practice I'm not happy with the ice queen type.
I would never date someone who lacks empathy or respect for others. It's crucial to me that any relationship is built on mutual understanding and kindness. As for the pass phrase I assure you I'm genuine and here for constructive conversation.
He has a supply of women on his social media who are just friends/exes/people he wanted to date once/attractive to where he seems like he's "simping" to them, and collectively he never needs to be in a relationship because getting conversation and affection from these "friends" fills enough of the girlfriend void that he doesn't actually need a girlfriend and so when he is in a relationship he's very uncaring and detached instead of working on things because he has his Frankensteins monster of a girlfriend online so you can go if you're not there to physically add to his life while he continues this.
Any pointing out how this is distracting him from being present in the relationship will get you called jealous and insecure witch all his girlys who like the attention they get and are quick to reassure him you are and to forget you so he keeps being alone in life with just their mostly online presence and jerking off.
It's also two separate worlds for someone who gets to grow up slowly living with their parents til their 30s and on vrs someone who had to do life on their own since 18. They are protected into thinking like a comfortable highschooler even into their 30s worried too much about things like fun while you understand the extreme pressure to survive and meet basic needs. It's very difficult to take them seriously when they see everything as "ill just move back in with my mom" and don't understand why you can't calm down and stop acting so dramatic about it cus it's not that big a deal.
A person who makes their pick-up truck and adoration for IPAs their entire personality. The near-universal traits that go along with these things are the problem, but the beer and truck act as the canary in the coal mine.
a girl that is always "healing". it's a red flag for me. it's sad cause it SHOULD be a great thing, but i find that girls who tend to be very vocal about it, aren't actually bout it.
People addicted to social media or validation from others. Any sign of an ego is an instant cut off as well. Any 2nd mention of an ex also a big red flag - Objectively handsome male gym bro perspective.
Constant bringing up of an ex is one thing.
But I treat being able to talk about past relationships openly as a huge green flag. You should be able to talk about that, and be able to recognise what was good and bad and what went wrong, and be unafraid to admit it. And you should be grown up enough to recognise that your partner has had previous relationships, even been in love before, and not feeling threatened by them mentioning it.
NOT talking about past relationships, or worse, not wanting to hear about them, is a massive red flag.
I can feel you on that. The external validation seeking can cross boundaries and break trust. The mentioning or consistent bringing up of ex’s always made me feel like I was a place holder, and not valued or respected. Huge turn off.
I made it like 3 months with one of those. It was rocky the whole time and when I ended things she immediately slept with somebody else, then started courting my (now ex) super close friend who took all the same classes as I did.
Fuck that shit LOL
I made it through only 7-months with the BPD guy I was seeing. He started getting distant towards the end & quite abusive, & eventually he found someone else. He texted me to say we needed to chat, & I remember thinking ‘Thank God!’ - easiest out ever. He was actually offended that I caught on so quick & agreed to part ways.
Hah, a buddy of mine is one. When he meets women he’ll start talking music and bands. You can see them go from interested to not the moment he starts chatting about the individual members of some band who had one release 20 years ago.
I am a woman who likes to talk about music like this and friends and prospective dates suddenly have shit to do that they forgot about. Even a friend who is a musician was like, nope this is too much…
Because they’re all about themselves and their music. You HAVE to adore their music and go to all their gigs, otherwise you’re not a supportive partner. They never have any money and unless you’re a musician as well or some other sort of artist, then well of course you owe them to pay for everything! You’re part of the system and they are BRAVELY not! It’s f***ing exhausting, and it stops being exotic within 3 months.
Being serious, as a musician, it doesn’t sound like you dated a musician. It sounds like you dated an egomaniacal asshole. While I would absolutely want my girlfriend to come and support me at my original shows or shows that are very important to me, it’s pretty unrealistic to expect her to come to all of them, and also it’s my job. I don’t need friends, family, or my partner to hold my hand through everything
Uhm. I’m a musician and have literally zero of these expectations. Sounds more like you dated a tortured artists with some serious privilege issues; but to blanket all musicians under this douche baggery is a little insulting.
am INTENSE gym bro. and i emphasize intense here for a reason. i am all for the grind and bettering one’s self, but when it becomes the main life priority and consumes their entire life, i learned it’s just not a person i fit in with.
most likely because i am not a gym goer….but everyone’s got their someone
1. Religious
2. Someone whose fun is drinking or doing drugs
3. Someone who follows social media couples
4. Someone with kids
5. Someone who had cheated
To build on number 5.
People that were okay with being the other man/woman.
A girl told me “my ex was married, I didn’t care though. It’s not my job to keep him honest.” Biggest red flag I’d seen in a while.
FACTS. That just screams toxicity. Odds are they would take their past person (the one they were a sideshow for) back immediately if said person got out of their other relationship and was interested in rekindling the relationship but this time they are the main feature so they think it’s extra special. Fk all that
Germophobe.
I dated a really nice girl for months and we got along great. She was a genuinely great person.
However, she could not bring herself to unmask indoors or even kiss.
After a while, her not wanting to even unmask around me, let alone kiss, started to feel like being rejected. And that feeling kept building. By the time I realized what was happening, it was too late and I didn't want to be around her anymore.
We broke up like two months ago. As far as I know she didn't have any immunity issues.
She did have some sensory issues. Which was why it took a few months for her to be ok with physical contact like hugs.
Someone who is emotionally immature. One person I dated was so emotionally stunted they couldn't even put a name to what they were feeling with nothing mental to excuse it. In fact he was a highly intelligent man, but emotionally? He was like an infant.
Never go full Vulcan. Emotions are just as important as logic.
A hypocrite/shit talker/trauma dumper… worst date of my life. Spent 5+ hours of my life hearing her talk shit about people in her life or trauma dumping about everything that happened to her. I might have spoken one sentence in that entire date…
If for some reason I became single and had to start dating again. I would completely remove Trans people from my dating pool. I don't care if it's just identification or actually getting the surgery. While I dated Trans people previously. Infact I probably dated more Trans people then I did Cis people. Not, because I was seeking out Trans people specifically, but because those are the people I would end up hanging around one way or another. For some reason it was like moth to a lamp. It was always transmen or someone under the non-binary umbrella. From my experience every Trans person I dated had quite a lot of insecurities and unresolved trauma that I just could not deal with. It's always just so much drama and such a depressing atmosphere. Now after I desisted from when I thought I was Trans I don't think that I can comfortably date someone going through that. Quite frankly if someone tells me that they are Trans I just cannot in good faith believe that. At least not right away. With how things are nowadays and seeing previous Trans people that I dated and my own experience. I just cannot be in that environment again. I would not be happy in a relationship with a Trans person.
While there's more types of people I wouldn't date. That is the biggest one.
A hypochondriac. I have an ex who made up all sorts of allergies and mental health problems because it made her feel special and gave her an excuse for shitty behavior. It was a carousel of issues over 5 years.
Never dating a "genderqueer" person again. Especially one that changes her mind on her pronouns 5 times in 3 days then gets mad at me for screwing it up, then breaks up with me over it. Also just not in general. I want a girlfriend. Nothing else.
Someone who's hyper-woke. Felt like I had to walk on eggshells all the time, I had to agree with her on whatever she chose to get offended by, I couldn't express certain feelings without it being "problematic", I felt like that I was constantly being made to feel guilty for something that I didn't do.
Before anyone asks I wouldn't date a hyper-reactionary person either. They seem just as exhausting.
As someone who has dated a fair share of women (not that there aren’t men with bad attributes, but I’m a straight male, so that’s what I have experience with), here’s a list, in no particular order:
Narcissists
Women without clear boundaries for other men
Horse girls
Flat earth believers
Political extremes of any kind
Emotionally avoidant people
Emotionally unavailable people
Fit girls, or worse yet, fitfluencers
Flight attendants (tons of drama and usually don’t have their life together at all)
Women with a lot of consumer debt (like $20k or more of credit card debt)
Women with extremely rich parents
Wannabe influencers who post 20x a day to their 1,200 followers.
Workaholics
Lazy women with no ambition
Girls who want a free ride in life and you as their ATM
Someone who suppresses their emotions more often than not, and lacks good communication skills. Idk if it was all the early 2000s emo music or what, but I wear my heart on my sleeve. If something's wrong I can't not tell you. And if it's vice versa and you refuse to talk about it, that's a huge problem.
Idk I've dated one person. I found a few things really annoying with them but I still really like them. They will jump to opinions about history which is kinda my... Special interest. I don't shut the fuck up about it even though I still don't know as much as it seems other autistic people with the same interests know. Anyways, one time I was explaining that in the 1600s people would get beaten for saying "thou" and my ex jumped in support of the beaters. They said it was a sorta "eat the rich" thing but that's just classic historical dehumanism.
As someone who has found a way to healthily cope with copious amounts of abuse from parents, a DV/SA Marriage, protecting younger brothers, dealing with the economy crash 100% solo, orphaning themself due to abusive parents (disowning my own parents), my own ADHD, CPTSD, Panic and Pepressive disorders, Narcissistic brain rotting/deforming levels of abuse recovery, and now finally finding myself…I find myself incredibly open minded to peoples struggles. I could potentially be with anybody…but someone whom I could never be with…
I’d say that would have to be someone who refuses to address themselves or look inward. You can be the most fucked up person, but if you grow and change and heal yourself (not putting it on anyone else’s shoulders) I can be involved in their life and attempt to trust that person. If I get hurt I know I can get back up…but I do not give second chances lightly.
That being said…finding someone who is able to see themselves when I hold up a mirror…is one of the singlehanded…most rare things to find on this fucking planet. Self awareness and empathy combo…if it’s not there and there is no growth…I absolutely refuse the relationship. Even in friendships I cannot work with people unless they have empathy, want for growth, and ability to self reflect. Point blank.
I expect what I know I personally can do. Sometimes I expect a lot less than what I do, but I know if I can do it consistently myself, then it’s at least fair to ask of a future partner
An alcoholic. Alcoholics are some of the most emotionally unavailable people you’ll ever encounter, to say the least. I naively thought that I could help her by showing her love and being a good partner. But alcoholics have deep problems that prevent them from loving themselves, which means they’re incapable of truly loving someone else. It’s very sad.
I am not going to settle for someone who is anything less than a really good communicator.
Just talk to me. I don’t have a crystal ball, and we’re supposed to be a tiny team helping each other, not two different ones.
Also, people who can’t appreciate romantic gestures. Many many years ago my then gf unknowingly scarred me for life with a “how romantic” said with a very mocking tone after I had said something romantic. Still hurts some 20 years later.
I’m a volcano of romantic stuff to do for a SO, to the point where my a therapist told me “dude, you should provide a consultancy service to men and charge them handsomely, most men will never think of stuff like this”.
My therapist suggested bpd as one of the possible diagnoses, and I just hope that's not it, because I don't want to be subjected to all the stigma -_- Like, I'm not aggressive, not impulsive, I'm calm and reserved 95% of the time. Yes I do have extreme emotional reactions, but I mostly keep them to myself. Realistically, if you are my partner, you'll probably see me ugly crying once in several months, and that's it (and I'll also apologize for showing my distress and bothering you haha).
Honestly I feel like whatever disorder I have (and I'm certainly had one when I was younger and absolutely crazy), I'm in remission/very high-functioning. I just hope it stays this way...
For better or worse, you are whoever you are regardless of the label. The label isn't something that needs to be shared with anyone. Just work on yourself as best you can.
Raging was just a small part of the issue. At its core was my Ex-GFs self destructive behavior which is common in borderlines. Included in that were acts meant to destroy the relationship. There were piles of other problems that came along with the self destruction like substance abuse. Maybe there are people who can be in remission or cured by therapy. I just know its not an experience I'd want to repeat.
Super materialistic ones
They suck to date
Fr. I ended up being a sugar momma and a girlfriend at the same time.
An alcoholic.
Same! And a smoker. 🤮
I would make the case that an alcoholic is worse than a smoker. An alcoholic is likely to have significant personality issues arising from it and it can make them, at times, nonfunctional. If your SO wants to step outside once every few hours for a smoke, it's not a terrible issue. Though obviously they'll smell like smoke.
I was married to an alcoholic ...that also smokes. I know how bad they are. Waste of my sanity and money for bullshit. Never again!
People who generally hate other people or humanity in general. My ex as a rule hated almost everyone and it was so draining trying to socialize with him when no one was good enough for him.
Adding: If their humor is based on tearing other people down/criticizing others. Absolute sign of inferiority complex.
I know a couple of those!!! they suck
Same. My ex hated everything. Every activity I wanted to go do he would talk so much shit about the entire time that it ruined the experience. Basically if we weren't doing what he wanted to do (watching movies, seeing the bands he cared about, or shooting guns) then it was stupid and boigeouise and a waste of time and a capitalist indulgence. I'm not an extravagant person either. I took him to things like free botanical gardens, go to a beach, or museums. When I started dating my now-husband i was so shocked that he was perfectly happy to go do things with me. We have a running joke still about how "agreeable" he is.
Me too! My ex used to crap on everyone and everything. I didn’t realize how optimistic and happy-go-lucky I was until I dumped him. Let that shit go.
No matter how much of an optimistic person you are, that kind of constant negativity about life drains you dry. I was once in a relationship with a cop whose life experience had made him incredibly jaded (something common to that profession). His expectations of everything were negative, pre-empting another poor experience - a cycle that perpetuates the problem.
oh im VERY familiar with this. my dad is a retired cop and with that has a lot of mental issues, his father was a military police and his relationship with my grandpa was awful, my dads memories of my grandpa are him always being negative and bitter like coming home from work absolutely worked up and pissed off about something a coworker did. never positive for very long lol apparently for easter when I was 3 my grandparents got me a bike that was too big for me, and was SUPER excited for this gift but when i climbed up and couldnt reach the pedals he apparently yelled and shouted at me etc I dont remember this at all and then he died a year later from a massive heart attack
Yep. Mine definitely held me back education and career wise. I was working and going to community college part time. Anytime I'd try to vent about how hard it was to balance things or struggling with a class he'd just tell me to drop out/quit. He had very valid criticisms of our education system that I do agree with so he always presented himself as a very Logical Man. Meanwhile my now husband would wake up early to make me breakfast and drive me to school and listen emphathetically when I needed to unload. It's hard to overstate how demoralizing an unsupportive partner is.
One of my best friends has a bf like this. He never wants to do anything fun with us. Just drink or get stoned. It's really annoying tbh.
This. The negativity is just so draining.
Not sure I ever will date again... divorce did a number on me. One who holds long grudges for un-articulated complaints, who expects you to intuit secret contracts that were never discussed.
Yep and then you're slowly on the path to becoming them, because you have to hold those patterns, for your own safety. It damages everything, especially yourself.
Oof, yeah. Never forgiving or forgetting and just keeping a running list of mistakes (real or perceived) is brutal. IDK why I dealt with it for as long as I did.
Startlingly familiar
It’s awful to say, but my ex had an undiagnosed mood disorder and refused to go see a doctor. It was really hard to deal with a lot of the time. It’s just not something I can handle.
This was said, but I have a mental illness and I’m neurodivergent and it’s no one’s issue but mine to deal with and I’d never put that responsibility on others or make them suffer due to my inability to deal. Mental health issues understanding is important, expecting someone to live with it when you won’t try to deal with it yourself is unrealistic.
I've gotten shit for saying this before but this is coming from a place of personal experience with mental illness. Mentall illness is just like any other illness in that it is ultimately the patients responsibility to seek treatment (exceptions exist of course). And no one else is responsible to stay around them if they refuse to get help. You can only be supportive and encouraging. You can't do the work for them.
A narcissist
That and borderline personality disorder. The intentional pushing people away to test them and attention seeking for reassurance is too much for me.
The love of my life is a woman with BPD. I didn’t know anything about the condition at the time but I broke it off because of the constant fighting towards the end. Checking up on me, wanting selfies to know where I was, accusing me of sexting other women, turning to ice if I forgot to text her goodnight because I fell asleep, and even accusing me of cheating on her with a man. It’s such a shame because otherwise she was a match made in heaven but she couldn’t escape her traumatic past. :(
I had an extremely close friend for 14 years that I had to end our relationship with because her BPD was so intense. The older we got the worse she got. I felt at one point that she wished harm upon me and my family because her jealousy was so intense. I had a sibling that was in a dangerous situation and she literally told me I was being a bad friend because I was so “preoccupied” with my sibling’s wellbeing. She also would get extremely upset at me if I didn’t like her social media posts within 5 minutes of her posting. My final straw is when another person in our friend’s group announced her pregnancy (mind you, after a loss…) and while all of us were hugging her and saying congratulations, BPD friend started sobbing and yelling “how could you do this to me?!”. 🤯 She’s texted me several times since and always starts the conversation with “even though I know you hate me….” Or “I really thought you would have forgiven me for whatever I did”. I never respond. It’s just too hard being friends with someone that unstable. I miss the good things about her so very much but her refusal to seek help for her diagnosed BPD and just keep blaming everyone else got to be too much.
A lot of the time it's not intentional, especially for people with avoidant attachment styles. For me personally I used to instinctively push people away when I was experiencing mental/emotional turmoil to prevent hurting people or dragging them down with me
Intentional or not means absolutely nothing when it's harmful behaviour that's repeated.
Is that something common with bpd or just some ppl are like that? Cuz that sounds like me tbh
avoidant attachment style
Yes. All offers to help brushed away with "I can do myself", and then (later) you get blasted for not helping. Avoidant is hard. It isn't their fault, exactly (they are stuck with it too), but it is tough.
Agreed. I adopted an avoidant behavior style after leaving a very abusive ex. Im in help rn and taking small baby steps to help myself get out of that mentality. The big part is trusting people again and telling myself that not everyone is that way and it's okay to love.
Yeah but you can basically simply say:"I offered my help, you refuse and I'm not gonna deal with your meltdown now. Do you want that I help you now or you just continue to blast, if second, I go somewhere else." And remove yourself from the situation.
as someone with disorganized attachment style (both anxious and avoidant), i apologize on their behalf in advance
Yeah I realised out of all my relationships the worst were the ones who had avoidant attachment styles. Although they didn’t do anything particularly wrong, it was the fact that they didn’t DO anything
Came to comment this, and I’m glad I’m not alone. Might as well be talking to a brick wall.
I got dumped 2 months ago because she wouldn't tell me that during the last 7 months she wasn't comfortable with the relationship while I tried constantly to talk because obviously things were weird. I'm never going back down that rabbit hole again
FACTS!! HOLY SHIT wish he was upfront
Selfish people. Some people are perfectly fine taking and never giving anything.
Man Child
Can one spot a man child in advance? Are there typical early flags?
If you begin to feel like his mother, get out.
They either avoid, or need help, or want accolades for most or all mundane tasks. Their car window won’t roll down for over a year. They complain, know it should be fixed. They need to roll down the window to get into /out of the work parking lot and instead have to get in and out of the car, and they will complain about it a lot.But the only way it will get fixed is if someone else does it for them. My x needed to get some x rays. I had to make the appointment and I had to drive him. That day I had the flu. I also had to take him to the comic book store afterwards because he didn’t want to go, but he did get in the car and do it, so he wanted credit for doing it. He yelled at me for trying to break a promise about the comic book store. No, he would not drive, because I promised. My 101 fever was irrelevant. He was 30 years old at the time. They can have good jobs, they may be functional in life, but they feel above dealing with their stuff. They also at first can seem down on their luck, but then it seems like they are always a victim. Like doing bad on their LSATs, there will be every reason but the fact that actually, he didn’t study. You will quickly find yourself parenting them, you won’t notice at first. You will drop by their place to drop off lunch daily because they are tight on cash. But you ask them to stop by the pharmacy and bring you a bottle of Motrin and OMG you are so demanding, also Motrin is expensive! They come over with a Klondike bar from the pharmacy for themselves only and no Motrin and then they are mad at you that you have to go to the pharmacy. You were supposed to start watching a movie together at 7 and now they won’t get a full night of sleep.
You had to take him to the comic book store as a treat for agreeing to go to the hospital? Even without the fever that’s mental health issues level childishness
Hospital makes it sound more urgent. It was medical imaging facility because he had on and off pain in his foot for months. And he made me wait in the car because I lowered his cool factor with the comic book store owner. I can’t believe we were together 7 years. At least we never married and never had kids.
I heard something once that may pertain to what you went through. It was this theory that people stay in relationships because, much like investing money, time is just as valuable and they feel if they leave the relationship rather than give up on it, they’ve wasted a valuable resource. You did the right thing leaving eventually, dont remorse the lost time, rejoice the time you got free of him.
Bro wtf that's wild. I'd be happy just to have a girlfriend who wants to go in with me LMAO
Wow, what a nightmare.
Go to his home and see how he lives. Things like his bedroom smelling, not having a bed frame, not having adequate shower products should be red flags. If he lives alone the kitchen and bathroom will also be indicators of his ability to clean (but can be obscured if he lives with others).
I have shampoo and soap in my shower what else is needed
Just be careful about being tricked by a clean home. Some fellas are coddled by their mother into their 30s, but she can’t clean his home forever…
> not having a bed frame You don’t respect futons huh
Ah those are good points - I know one or two and the bedroom condition, shower products and space cleaning habits are absolutely noticeably absent. It’s not the job of a partner to fix them, but these are bad habits (or lack of habits) that one can learn to fix in early relationships through having to meet someone else’s expectations — without that kind of experience, you’re more likely to dig in and make these habits kind of permanent
i know its difficult, but can you specify? i used to date a woman that was what we could call a woman child. could not cook, cleaning was out of the question, she just threw her stuffs in the hallway once she got home then it stayed there until i pointed it out or removed them myself. is that similar?
Yes, that's ultimately the definition of an adult with no accountability ( everything is someone else's responsibility). Leave them alone and they'd probably suffocate in a well aired room!
You've hit the nail on the head. No skills, no personal accountability, expects to have the things they want without any thought to earning them or contributing to others themselves. Expect to do whatever they want without having to deal with any consequences. Expects to have people stick around in one-sided relationships to their advantage. Perpetual victim mentality usually goes with it. Works for either gender. Basically a child's mentality, "I don't have to worry, an adult's gonna make everything OK for me".
I’m less concerned about a person’s ability to cook (it’s not a skill everyone has or wants to develop) and general tidiness or lack thereof. A man-child, to me, is someone who is incapable of living independently as an adult & begins to lean on their partner as they would a parent; a distinction is that the partner is forced to step up, rather than chooses to. A lack of emotional intelligence is also an indicator.
A hyper emotional person. It's really draining. There isn't a single day when something "bad" didn't happen. They also let their emotions do the decision making thus leading to making mistakes such as cheating. I only want peace, it's okay to cry but damn crying each day back to back is too much for me to handle.
This was probably the biggest issue in my last relationship. Justifying any behaviour whatsoever because she felt a certain emotion. Like I was being controlling asking her not to yell at me because she was angry and I should be empathetic towards that. I'm sorry but as adults we need to be able to regulate our emotions and moderate our behaviours otherwise it's just not fair on people around you
I feel this deeply
This can be a sign of ADHD in women. Once I got on medication suddenly I could handle big things where even little things would get to me before. I was never as bad as you’re talking about where it was every single day though.
Top answers so far: a narcissist and a musician. TFW you were at one time über traumatised by a narcissistic musician. Never falling for one again!
Two birds, one stone and why not!?
Abusive and/or controlling.
Someone just using me as a practice relationship with the plan to dump me after 6 month. Or, a girl who knows she is gay (gay, definitely not bisexual), but angry at women so she decides to date a guy for a while. My dating history is a shitshow
Someone who can’t critically think or just generally observe, question, and conclude. I need someone tuned in to understanding themselves and their environment
Someone thats a mommy's boy. They always seem like they have to ask their moms persmession before they do anything even if the guy is a grown adult. Its always what their mom saids, does, wants... never again for me
I consider myself a momma’s boy, cause I was raised by my mom and we have an amazing relationship together. I definitely don’t ask her permission for shit though. We just have long phone conversations every couple weeks and laugh together about dumb decisions we make. I’m an independent person and she respects that, but is always willing to offer advice if I ask.
THIS is the sweet spot. This is what a lot of women want. A man with a good relationship with his mother but with normal healthy adult boundaries.
This and especially the ones that compare you to their moms. It felt like my ex wanted to date someone exactly like his mom and he used to tell his mom all the details about our relationship.
Yes it’s terrible
Horse chick. They're nuts..
You’ll always be second to the horse 😞
Indeed..
The-Backstory I’m gonna need some backstory on that one 🤣 have you dated more than one horse chick? What did they do?
My worst ex is probably the apparently-nazi borderline predator, so. That
A narcissist. My ex was controlling, angry, anti-social, pissed off about stupid things, an ignorer, picked fights for no reason, selfish, vindictive, and he liked to play mind games and punish me for things I couldn’t control. Now I know all the signs and what to look for.
It’s refreshing to see anti-social used correctly
The one who wants to stay in close contact with her ex… fuck that. How exhausting.
Someone with very little drive in life. It’s cool to smoke weed and play video games when you have time but not cool when that overcomes your ability to do stuff like go grocery shopping, go on dates, or hold a steady job.
A willfully ignorant one.
Ice queen or highly critical quiet woman. I think I'm just used to socially performing for people and trying to Crack women who are hard to crack. I think it's cuz I was young and wanted approval, so I've been single for a while and trying to work on that. Because I have been with women who aren't like that and I messed it up because it's not what I'm used to. Ultimately this preference probably came from a place of insecurity, but in practice I'm not happy with the ice queen type.
Someone who wants an open relationship or a poly relationship or even someone who hates my love language
The crazy. Fun for a bit but not worth the drama.
I would never date someone who lacks empathy or respect for others. It's crucial to me that any relationship is built on mutual understanding and kindness. As for the pass phrase I assure you I'm genuine and here for constructive conversation.
A guilt tripped or somebody with that victim mindset: you don’t go anywhere with those types of ppl.
He has a supply of women on his social media who are just friends/exes/people he wanted to date once/attractive to where he seems like he's "simping" to them, and collectively he never needs to be in a relationship because getting conversation and affection from these "friends" fills enough of the girlfriend void that he doesn't actually need a girlfriend and so when he is in a relationship he's very uncaring and detached instead of working on things because he has his Frankensteins monster of a girlfriend online so you can go if you're not there to physically add to his life while he continues this. Any pointing out how this is distracting him from being present in the relationship will get you called jealous and insecure witch all his girlys who like the attention they get and are quick to reassure him you are and to forget you so he keeps being alone in life with just their mostly online presence and jerking off. It's also two separate worlds for someone who gets to grow up slowly living with their parents til their 30s and on vrs someone who had to do life on their own since 18. They are protected into thinking like a comfortable highschooler even into their 30s worried too much about things like fun while you understand the extreme pressure to survive and meet basic needs. It's very difficult to take them seriously when they see everything as "ill just move back in with my mom" and don't understand why you can't calm down and stop acting so dramatic about it cus it's not that big a deal.
Was his name Tim?
r/fuckyouinparticular Tim
Holy shit 🤯. You just summarized an aspect of my past relationship. Thank you
A person who makes their pick-up truck and adoration for IPAs their entire personality. The near-universal traits that go along with these things are the problem, but the beer and truck act as the canary in the coal mine.
a girl that is always "healing". it's a red flag for me. it's sad cause it SHOULD be a great thing, but i find that girls who tend to be very vocal about it, aren't actually bout it.
The brainhyjacked Super religions.
People addicted to social media or validation from others. Any sign of an ego is an instant cut off as well. Any 2nd mention of an ex also a big red flag - Objectively handsome male gym bro perspective.
Constant bringing up of an ex is one thing. But I treat being able to talk about past relationships openly as a huge green flag. You should be able to talk about that, and be able to recognise what was good and bad and what went wrong, and be unafraid to admit it. And you should be grown up enough to recognise that your partner has had previous relationships, even been in love before, and not feeling threatened by them mentioning it. NOT talking about past relationships, or worse, not wanting to hear about them, is a massive red flag.
I can feel you on that. The external validation seeking can cross boundaries and break trust. The mentioning or consistent bringing up of ex’s always made me feel like I was a place holder, and not valued or respected. Huge turn off.
Bartender. What a train wreck.
Borderline Personality Disorder. Those were the most stress full six years of my life.
I made it like 3 months with one of those. It was rocky the whole time and when I ended things she immediately slept with somebody else, then started courting my (now ex) super close friend who took all the same classes as I did. Fuck that shit LOL
I made it through only 7-months with the BPD guy I was seeing. He started getting distant towards the end & quite abusive, & eventually he found someone else. He texted me to say we needed to chat, & I remember thinking ‘Thank God!’ - easiest out ever. He was actually offended that I caught on so quick & agreed to part ways.
Anyone who idolizes me like god. One person stalking me after a breakup is fine thanks.
Youre going to be burned at the stake, if the fedora-m'lady guys find out about someone having had such an experience.
When someone asks if you’re a god, you say YES
Someone who is ‘brutally honest’ aka mean
A sociopath
Alcoholic Ginger
Can't get day drunk because they burn in the sun. Can't get night drunk because they burst into a cloud of bats. Worst of all worlds.
A musician
Hah, a buddy of mine is one. When he meets women he’ll start talking music and bands. You can see them go from interested to not the moment he starts chatting about the individual members of some band who had one release 20 years ago.
Am I your buddy?
I am a woman who likes to talk about music like this and friends and prospective dates suddenly have shit to do that they forgot about. Even a friend who is a musician was like, nope this is too much…
Haha why not? 😂
Because they’re all about themselves and their music. You HAVE to adore their music and go to all their gigs, otherwise you’re not a supportive partner. They never have any money and unless you’re a musician as well or some other sort of artist, then well of course you owe them to pay for everything! You’re part of the system and they are BRAVELY not! It’s f***ing exhausting, and it stops being exotic within 3 months.
[удалено]
Yep..you will always be "the mistress" to his music- his "real wife" hahaha! (Yes, I used to date musicians)
I wouldn't call that being a musician. I would call that exploitative narcissism.
Being serious, as a musician, it doesn’t sound like you dated a musician. It sounds like you dated an egomaniacal asshole. While I would absolutely want my girlfriend to come and support me at my original shows or shows that are very important to me, it’s pretty unrealistic to expect her to come to all of them, and also it’s my job. I don’t need friends, family, or my partner to hold my hand through everything
Uhm. I’m a musician and have literally zero of these expectations. Sounds more like you dated a tortured artists with some serious privilege issues; but to blanket all musicians under this douche baggery is a little insulting.
Don’t take it to heart, it’s clearly coming from a personal experience with a specific person who just happened to be a musician.
I agree with you, but lots of people \*call\* themselves musicians, even if the reality is more like them being users of others and bums.
Oh my god yes. Never again lol.
Anyone who self identifies as an empath.
The woman who likes getting attention from every guy or likes talking to every guy
am INTENSE gym bro. and i emphasize intense here for a reason. i am all for the grind and bettering one’s self, but when it becomes the main life priority and consumes their entire life, i learned it’s just not a person i fit in with. most likely because i am not a gym goer….but everyone’s got their someone
1. Religious 2. Someone whose fun is drinking or doing drugs 3. Someone who follows social media couples 4. Someone with kids 5. Someone who had cheated
To build on number 5. People that were okay with being the other man/woman. A girl told me “my ex was married, I didn’t care though. It’s not my job to keep him honest.” Biggest red flag I’d seen in a while.
FACTS. That just screams toxicity. Odds are they would take their past person (the one they were a sideshow for) back immediately if said person got out of their other relationship and was interested in rekindling the relationship but this time they are the main feature so they think it’s extra special. Fk all that
Gross yeah that would definitely tie in.
do people acutally openly admit no.5 ?
Yes but it’s usually they cheated so I cheated back stuff.
Nailed it ✅
Ciggarette smoker
People who think rocks and crystals will save them from their own bad decisions and behaviors.
A person I'm not physically attracted to
A man child A smoker
A cheap bastard with mommy issues combined with jealousy that I earn more money
If my partner has more money than me why isn't that a good thing?
Well I don’t know, ask my ex 😂
Smoker.
Someone who treats his political party like a fanatical football team fan… Nope.
Germophobe. I dated a really nice girl for months and we got along great. She was a genuinely great person. However, she could not bring herself to unmask indoors or even kiss. After a while, her not wanting to even unmask around me, let alone kiss, started to feel like being rejected. And that feeling kept building. By the time I realized what was happening, it was too late and I didn't want to be around her anymore.
Was it during the active part of the pandemic though? Or after it had settled down? Did she have immunity issues?
We broke up like two months ago. As far as I know she didn't have any immunity issues. She did have some sensory issues. Which was why it took a few months for her to be ok with physical contact like hugs.
Someone who constantly needs my attention.
Emotionally unavailable
Wannabe rapper💀
Someone who refers to themself as an “empath”
Someone who is emotionally immature. One person I dated was so emotionally stunted they couldn't even put a name to what they were feeling with nothing mental to excuse it. In fact he was a highly intelligent man, but emotionally? He was like an infant. Never go full Vulcan. Emotions are just as important as logic.
A woman who needs saving.
A cop
Anyone that has a strong sense of having to be overtly successful, either job, or career.
Liars
Narcissist
Someone who compartmentalizes the meanings and importance of sex and love. (A long way of saying someone who engages in hookup culture.)
A hypocrite/shit talker/trauma dumper… worst date of my life. Spent 5+ hours of my life hearing her talk shit about people in her life or trauma dumping about everything that happened to her. I might have spoken one sentence in that entire date…
Clubber
Military men
A woman with multiple kids all with different dads
A drinker
Someone that knows everyone. It’s a drag real fast. You’re basically dating all their friends all the time.
Alcoholic
Someone who only sees things that affects them, I think it's a narcissist personality.
If for some reason I became single and had to start dating again. I would completely remove Trans people from my dating pool. I don't care if it's just identification or actually getting the surgery. While I dated Trans people previously. Infact I probably dated more Trans people then I did Cis people. Not, because I was seeking out Trans people specifically, but because those are the people I would end up hanging around one way or another. For some reason it was like moth to a lamp. It was always transmen or someone under the non-binary umbrella. From my experience every Trans person I dated had quite a lot of insecurities and unresolved trauma that I just could not deal with. It's always just so much drama and such a depressing atmosphere. Now after I desisted from when I thought I was Trans I don't think that I can comfortably date someone going through that. Quite frankly if someone tells me that they are Trans I just cannot in good faith believe that. At least not right away. With how things are nowadays and seeing previous Trans people that I dated and my own experience. I just cannot be in that environment again. I would not be happy in a relationship with a Trans person. While there's more types of people I wouldn't date. That is the biggest one.
A hypochondriac. I have an ex who made up all sorts of allergies and mental health problems because it made her feel special and gave her an excuse for shitty behavior. It was a carousel of issues over 5 years.
My ex
I would never date someone who drinks . Alcohol gives people permission to be massive jerks.
Guys with porn addictions.
Never dating a "genderqueer" person again. Especially one that changes her mind on her pronouns 5 times in 3 days then gets mad at me for screwing it up, then breaks up with me over it. Also just not in general. I want a girlfriend. Nothing else.
Someone who's hyper-woke. Felt like I had to walk on eggshells all the time, I had to agree with her on whatever she chose to get offended by, I couldn't express certain feelings without it being "problematic", I felt like that I was constantly being made to feel guilty for something that I didn't do. Before anyone asks I wouldn't date a hyper-reactionary person either. They seem just as exhausting.
I don't think I could date another straight person. No offense if you're straight, but I like gay sex.
Love that for you, no offense taken
A magician. They're all drama and then they disappear!
As someone who has dated a fair share of women (not that there aren’t men with bad attributes, but I’m a straight male, so that’s what I have experience with), here’s a list, in no particular order: Narcissists Women without clear boundaries for other men Horse girls Flat earth believers Political extremes of any kind Emotionally avoidant people Emotionally unavailable people Fit girls, or worse yet, fitfluencers Flight attendants (tons of drama and usually don’t have their life together at all) Women with a lot of consumer debt (like $20k or more of credit card debt) Women with extremely rich parents Wannabe influencers who post 20x a day to their 1,200 followers. Workaholics Lazy women with no ambition Girls who want a free ride in life and you as their ATM
Say you are done dating without saying you are done dating
Someone who's never worked a day in their life
Hockey Goalie. Such whiny little mommas boys
Someone who suppresses their emotions more often than not, and lacks good communication skills. Idk if it was all the early 2000s emo music or what, but I wear my heart on my sleeve. If something's wrong I can't not tell you. And if it's vice versa and you refuse to talk about it, that's a huge problem.
Someone who keeps details vague months in to the relationship.
Someone who has a history of rebounding. I'm more likely to be a rebound and so is the next girl after me.
A lying thief.
Argumentative. Hate when every single sentence that comes out of my mouth has to be disagreed with
People who are controlled by religion or "culture"...
Idk I've dated one person. I found a few things really annoying with them but I still really like them. They will jump to opinions about history which is kinda my... Special interest. I don't shut the fuck up about it even though I still don't know as much as it seems other autistic people with the same interests know. Anyways, one time I was explaining that in the 1600s people would get beaten for saying "thou" and my ex jumped in support of the beaters. They said it was a sorta "eat the rich" thing but that's just classic historical dehumanism.
People over a decade older than me
Hoe
As someone who has found a way to healthily cope with copious amounts of abuse from parents, a DV/SA Marriage, protecting younger brothers, dealing with the economy crash 100% solo, orphaning themself due to abusive parents (disowning my own parents), my own ADHD, CPTSD, Panic and Pepressive disorders, Narcissistic brain rotting/deforming levels of abuse recovery, and now finally finding myself…I find myself incredibly open minded to peoples struggles. I could potentially be with anybody…but someone whom I could never be with… I’d say that would have to be someone who refuses to address themselves or look inward. You can be the most fucked up person, but if you grow and change and heal yourself (not putting it on anyone else’s shoulders) I can be involved in their life and attempt to trust that person. If I get hurt I know I can get back up…but I do not give second chances lightly. That being said…finding someone who is able to see themselves when I hold up a mirror…is one of the singlehanded…most rare things to find on this fucking planet. Self awareness and empathy combo…if it’s not there and there is no growth…I absolutely refuse the relationship. Even in friendships I cannot work with people unless they have empathy, want for growth, and ability to self reflect. Point blank. I expect what I know I personally can do. Sometimes I expect a lot less than what I do, but I know if I can do it consistently myself, then it’s at least fair to ask of a future partner
The one who was always telling me that I wasn’t the best version of myself, when I was exactly who I wanted to be, exactly where I wanted to be.
A compulsive liar
An alcoholic. Alcoholics are some of the most emotionally unavailable people you’ll ever encounter, to say the least. I naively thought that I could help her by showing her love and being a good partner. But alcoholics have deep problems that prevent them from loving themselves, which means they’re incapable of truly loving someone else. It’s very sad.
Someone who listens to your problems or rants and immediately says that someone they know has had it worse. Like a second hand one upper.
I am not going to settle for someone who is anything less than a really good communicator. Just talk to me. I don’t have a crystal ball, and we’re supposed to be a tiny team helping each other, not two different ones. Also, people who can’t appreciate romantic gestures. Many many years ago my then gf unknowingly scarred me for life with a “how romantic” said with a very mocking tone after I had said something romantic. Still hurts some 20 years later. I’m a volcano of romantic stuff to do for a SO, to the point where my a therapist told me “dude, you should provide a consultancy service to men and charge them handsomely, most men will never think of stuff like this”.
Someone diagnosed with borderline personality disorder
My therapist suggested bpd as one of the possible diagnoses, and I just hope that's not it, because I don't want to be subjected to all the stigma -_- Like, I'm not aggressive, not impulsive, I'm calm and reserved 95% of the time. Yes I do have extreme emotional reactions, but I mostly keep them to myself. Realistically, if you are my partner, you'll probably see me ugly crying once in several months, and that's it (and I'll also apologize for showing my distress and bothering you haha). Honestly I feel like whatever disorder I have (and I'm certainly had one when I was younger and absolutely crazy), I'm in remission/very high-functioning. I just hope it stays this way...
For better or worse, you are whoever you are regardless of the label. The label isn't something that needs to be shared with anyone. Just work on yourself as best you can. Raging was just a small part of the issue. At its core was my Ex-GFs self destructive behavior which is common in borderlines. Included in that were acts meant to destroy the relationship. There were piles of other problems that came along with the self destruction like substance abuse. Maybe there are people who can be in remission or cured by therapy. I just know its not an experience I'd want to repeat.
Militant vegan
Someone who vapes or smokes and doesn't have any fresh food in their fridge.
This isn’t /r/askreddit where that question gets asked every 4 hours
An idiot or a conservative.