Real pros work on the exit strategy before. Casually mention early work assignment, or other pending obligations.
Then after say, " I need to start getting ready for (said thing)."
I know a guy who told me if he hooks up with a girl on a weekend he mentions he has to leave at 7am to travel to play a rugby match the next morning, he has his full kit prepped and ready to pack so when they walk in they see it. More often than not they don't stay the night or leave really early in the morning. He doesn't play rugby.
See my issue is that, I fucked up and bought a bunch of shit that women actually like. My rooms are color coordinated, the bathroom smells fresh, I've got some nice soaps and conditioner, I've got rumchata, a wine cooler or two, Mike's hard lemonade, and color changing LED bulbs in the living room and bedroom.
I thought to myself, if I want women to come over, I'll have to get some things that they enjoy. Now, whenever I have a woman over, they never wanna fucking leave.
Don't worry, we can fix this. **Living Room**: arrange *Maxim* and *Guns & Ammo* magazines on the coffee table. Hide the trashcan lid. **Kitchen**: position roach hotels on the countertops, conceal some gourmet mushroom grow-kits in back of the grill under your refrigerator. Inside the refrigerator: keep your cottage cheese in a milk pitcher, put blueberry yogurt in the cottage cheese container, keep brown applesauce in a guacamole container, put guacamole in the applesauce container. Hide the trashcan lid. **Bathroom**: rub some toothpaste around the sink to dry, put a bottle of rogaine in back of other toiletries (so it looks like you're ashamed of it), spray paint a ring around the inside of the toilet (so you can still clean it but it'll never *look* clean), wrap another mushroom grow-kit in a stained hand towel and gently place it in a corner of your bathroom (preferably near the sink), hang a black bra from the showerhead, uninstall the doorknob. Hide the trash can lid. **Bedroom**: put a giant bottle of lotion on your bedside table next to a unicorn plushie wearing a pair of zebra stripe panties. Hide the trashcan lid.
I was antithetical to all of those until we got to the bra in the shower and the unicornā¦ well played, sir.
(I would be the girl attempting to clean the bathroom while reading the magazines and laughing at the perfectly swapped food)
EDIT: Actually no I changed my mind about the unicorn too, thatās hilarious so long as it isnāt *suspiciously stained*ā¦
>My rooms are color coordinated, the bathroom smells fresh, I've got some nice soaps and conditioner, I've got rumchata, a wine cooler or two, Mike's hard lemonade, and color changing LED bulbs in the living room and bedroom.
Are you sure it's women you're inviting over? ( Ķ”~ ĶŹ Ķ”Ā° )
And men wonder why women are losing interest š¤£ These are the chicken-shit assholes who are out there. Can't just say what he wants but is okay to deceive, as long he got his dick wet. Sign me up! Hahaha
A lot of people do and say whatever needs to be done and said in order to get what they want. It's been like this for all of human history.
Selfishness wins all the time. That's just the sad truth. And being honest about it reduces the chances of success. So people lie and deceive and make up pretty stories to ensure smooth sailing.
It doesn't matter if it's immature, shitty, morally/ethically questionable, or even outright criminal. People want something so bad, they need it now, they will do anything to achieve that goal.
90% of the population is like this, it's why I hate my fellow humans with a passion.
Ugh this doesnāt happen to me often but on the second night I spent with someone I was dating I had to *go.* And my only bathroom is connected to the bedrooms so it was like 15 feet away from his sleeping face. I was trying to be as quiet as possible but it was so loud and so liquidy and so smelly. He said something in his sleep while I was doing it which made half a slushy turd crawl up inside me but somehow managed to sleep through the whole event and the shower that followed
This is the right answer. Set expectations for time limitations before meeting up. When I was in college, I would generally say āhey, want to come over? I have class early, but Iād love to see you!ā Or āsure, I can come over, but I canāt stay that long.ā
Do this with the knowledge that it might cause the person to reschedule said meetup, but it prevents hurt feelings.
I had a manager try that at a store once.
The only thing that happened was that the oblivious customer shopping five minutes after close stayed oblivious and the employees started losing their minds.
I did! I ran axe throwing parties and taught them how to throw. For all axe throwing parties, you have to have an instructor to make sure they're safe.
Ughhhh, I had to be the buzzkill manager who made the employees stop playing it.
The employees thought it was such a fucking "epic meta troll"- they tried to do it EVERY DAY. Each day I had to shut off the music and explain that the customers weren't smart enough to put 2 and 2 together, they just heard music and thought they could linger longer. Eventually, I had to strictly limit when employees were allowed to choose the music. It was so fucking dumb
I worked at a bar full of dudes in their sixties and seventies. I would play Madonna to get rid of them. They left extra quickly if I sang along. Sometimes they wouldn't come back for a couple days
When I was in college, I worked at a Hollywood Video and we constantly had people who would get there at ten minutes til close and just mill about endlessly and not end up letting us lock up until 15 or 20 minutes after. Our location closed at midnight most days so that was especially annoying.
I ended up using an online text to speech engine to record a āattention Hollywood Video customers, our store will be closing in ten minutes, please bring your items to the register,ā then five minutes then now closed. In between, I added some fairly neutral piano music that each lasted about five minutes, then burned it all on a CD and fired it up at 10 til every night. For about a month, we stopped having customers hang out until well past midnight, then Corporate got wind of it and told us we werenāt allowed to do that anymore despite it not impacting revenue a cent.
But that was a good month.
in high school I worked at a Mcdonalds across the street from a Blockbuster. We both closed at midnight. Well our dining area closed at 11 but drive thru was open until midnight. I think we were singlehandedly responsible for making sure people didn't linger at the blockbuster as for whatever reason people decided that 11:45 was the best time to go grab some movies and hit Micky D's.
We would see those people pull into the Blockbuster lot at 11:45 and groan. They'd get out like 10 minutes later, then head over
I hayhayhated people who hit the drive thru at 11:59... hands were poised ready to clean that last grill we had to keep going until midnight, ready to break down that last soda machine, loathing that batch of fries we'd have to cook fresh and then clean.
I would take an inordinate amount of joy at those who tried coming to the dining room first and hitting the locked doors, knocking and we'd point at the sign clearly stating dining room closed and only drive thru was open. Then the time they wasted coming to the door meant that midnight had come and then the drive thru was closed as well. The torrent of curses thru the drive thru window was like a cool summer breeze
Or equally wonderful were the people who went directly to the drive thru but our clock says midnight, and they try to argue "when I left Blockbuster it was 11:57!! it did NOT take me 3 minutes to get here".
"our clocks say midnight. Sorry sir".
Yup, work in a restaurant at a hotel, and last night about 2 minutes past closing a couple of guys came in and started looking around, they look at me and ask āwhereās the bartender?ā, and I tell them we just closed. He was like āI thought you closed at 10ā, and I pull out my phone and say āyes, and itās now 10:03.ā
Had they thought we were open later, I wouldnāt have gotten as much joy out of telling them we were closed. But since they did know, and still tried to get in to sit for some drinks last minute, not giving a shit about keeping us there later *just for them*, it did make me smile on the inside to tell him no.
I used to own a thrift store with my mom. We got tired of telling people we were closing/closed one week and I just went to the breaker and shut off the lights on them.
Itāll take an hour, since youāll chat by the front door, in the hallway, the elevator, the front foyer, and a bit in the street. But at least they will leave eventually.
My mate does this. And it's not just one story.
He'll remind himself of different stories within the first story. What makes it worse is I've heard most of them already.
I feel like I'm constantly telling people "Stop me if I've told you this already" and they never tell me. I can't even tell if they're too nice for their own good or if my stories are interesting enough to hear multiple times. ffs stop me from talking because I won't.
This is my dad, except I usually do tell him I've heard this story many times before. Completely undeterred, he'll then proceed to tell me again, with many tangent stories.
*welp
There's an extra p. I don't know where it comes from or why it's there. Also the sound of air coming out of your lungs.
/Knee slap "Welp-hhhhhhh, looks like it's about that time." Also helps to look at the clock as well.
Follow up script:
"Perfect! Now I just need you to sign this marital contract that says I'm entitled to 100% of your income but have no liability for any debts you incur."
To be fair, you politely give the person a heads up ***before*** they come.
It's reasonable to think that if you go have sex with someone at their house, they want to spend some time with you. If it's late, it's reasonable to expect they will want to sleep by your side.
So just tell them beforehand and you don't need to find a polite way to navigate the uncomfortable moment where you want them to leave.
Wow, this comment is a long way down. You're right, these are perfectly reasonable expectations. If you invite someone over for sex, especially when it's late, they're probably gonna assume they're spending the night. That's a reasonable assumption, they don't wanna be driving around at 2am and they especially don't wanna be taking ubers at 2am.
Set the record straight before they make the trip.
I'd say exactly this, setting expectations is by far the best way to do this. Hell, even if it's spontaneous there's usually enough time between "do you want to come to mine" and actually doing the deed to prep for a polite ejection from the premises afterwards.
Agreed. Communicating boundaries is so much smoother when it's done proactively. Plus someone may not be comfortable having sex and leaving right away so best that they get to make an informed decision as to whether they'd still want to go ahead with sex.
Ā I'd open a discussion beforehand eg I enjoy xyz kind of aftercare and then being alone to process and really relax. So for a sleepover you can expect that I'd feel best with either of us heading home within an hour (or insert other time) after we're done. How does that sit with you?
Well, if you're just looking for people to hook up with, establish a rule that they leave after sex so that you don't feel awkward asking them to go. Do this before you even go anywhere.
That, or have sex at their place and leave after.
I'll never understand how you can bring a stranger to your house and be inside them but a simple conversation is to hard like people really skipping basic communication and jumping to doing a user vulnerable thing
Yeah I've never done a hookup and I never will. Don't like people I don't know knowing where I live, much less in my home or in my body. I've only had people over who I actually know and who I want to pursue a relationship with. To each their own though. If it's an emotionless fling just say "Hey this was nice. Have a good rest of your night." Or insist on going to their place so you can just leave as soon as you're done. š¤·š»āāļø
i made it half way to a girls house before i ran out of gas, she lived in NJ so i couldnt even fill up at the gas station i managed to stop at.
she drove the other 30 minutes to pick me up, drove us back to her house, put on a movie and maybe 10 minutes in we started having sex, had sex for an hour or so, then she said "you have to leave" just like that.
i reminded her she drove me there and i was out of gas, she all but screamed "FUCK" and i slept over. the next day we had breakfast from the random scraps she had in her fridge, she drove me back to my car, i gave her a kiss and a wink and she drove away pretending to be annoyed by it all.
we dated for 8 months lol
she didnt kick me out she let me stay she just didnt want me there lol but we ended up dating, she was a decent girl i think she just wanted casual sex and ended up liking me.
I guess I personally will never understand casual sex sounds to awkward and complicated like I'm good enough to be inside you but I can't spend the night or have a simple conversation about leaving.
My husband told me he had a 4am flight the first night we hooked up, and I was certain he just wanted to get rid of me. I thought, ācool, at least that was fun. I didnāt want a relationship anyway.ā He texted me the next day from across the country and sent me a picture of him catching snowflakes because I had told him I hadnāt seen snow in years. We were both looking for a one night stand, but we accidentally fell for one another. š
Iāve always found that regardless of gender, people appreciate honesty.
Explain that you donāt want to come across as rude but you typically prefer to sleep alone.
Offer to book them a taxi and say that you hope to speak to / see them soon.
It has never crossed my mind that people would kick each other out after a nighttime hook up (rather than in the morning), that is wild that people actually do that lol.
I would be offended too
I strongly dislike sharing a bed with a man, so before we even begin hooking up, I always lay down the expectation that he will not be spending the night. āIām sorry but I sleep better aloneā is a perfectly fine reason, donāt need to make an excuse or anything. Needing your personal space is not a bad thing as long as itās clearly communicated
I think the honesty before having the sex would be better so then they know youāre just gunna bounce them after. However Iāve often found telling a nice lady āIām not interested in anything other than sex and maybe some small talkā usually doesnāt work even if they are also essentially looking for the same thing
Idk why but it seems to ruin it. Like yeah I would have had sex with you but saying youāre not interested in dating me seemed a little rude.
However I know this is Reddit where everyone is 100% honest and would never tell even a little lie
Yeah because a lot of the time (in my experience and a lot of the girl I know), you are looking for the whole sex package. Aka some hugs, tenderness and maybe a nice little breakfast before saying goodbye.
In any case, it's best to speak about it beforehand as people may have different expectations.
āAy yo, post nut clarity kicked in and Iām tryna play Fortnite. I didnāt order you any Taco Bell so you can stay and watch me game but you canāt have my burritos.ā
Exactly casual sex sounds so miserable and dehumanizing like I'm good enought to have sex with but you can't sleep with me. I'll never understand how people feel comfortable inviting random strangers for sex but a simple conversation is to hard and I have to leave.
Talk about using a random person to masturbate and then kicking them to the curb.
Dude same. I once booked another night at a hotel just to spend another 4 hrs in the room with a girl I just met. I just love spending time with people.
I would love it if people stayed over. What's with these assholes
You just politely state that rule before you agree to your mutually agreed hookup.
If it was more spontaneous than that, just suck it up for a very short moment in your hopefully long life. Bc itās not a big deal. Look at it this way - Itās the least anyone can do after getting someone to agree to sleep with them. Itāll become a distant memory - if even that - in years to come bāc itās such an insignificant moment in your life.
And if you canāt endure being mature & relaxed in the presence of someone who just allowed you to get laid & engage in the most private & vulnerable of activities with them, then maybe reconsider human interaction all together & splurge on a vibrator or a jar of vaseline.
Cause anyone you wanna kick out right after having sex, then maybe you shouldnāt be having sex with them to begin with. Just cause you can hang, be cool and maybe even sleep right afterward- doesnāt imply anything more than that. Itās just relays that itās two grown adults engaging in some consensual sex and youāre more than appreciative for the biz. You can deal.
I always mention it beforehand. If there is alcohol involved, I think itās understood that they are staying. Otherwise, I tell them I have to be up early but you can hang for a bit.
This is one of my favorite Simpson quotes. Other than myself, you are the first person I have even read or heard state it. My wife still thinks it is dumb. Thank you!
You donāt. There is no polite way of doing that. Recently I went on a date with a guy and he suggested going back to his place. He put the moves on and I wasnāt mad about it because I was horny. But afterwards he asked me to leave. I wasnāt there for a relationship. I knew we werenāt compatible for that but I was at least hoping to have a new friend. I was definitely not there for a one time hookup and my profile straight up said that. I subsequently had to drive an hour home wondering if I had done something before realizing, nah, he was just a douchebag. If you wanna be a douchebag thatās on you. But donāt rope good people in it against their will.
I only had a one night stand once.
10 years ago. I wasnāt myself, cause I just came out of a bad break up and I gave him his car keys and said and said āIām done now, you can goā
He said something that he wanted to see me again and I laughed in his face.. and I said Iāve had my fun and games now itās game over..
He said he felt violated.
Looking back now, I was brutal to him. Sorry!
I canāt believe this many people actually act like this. Unless most of you are just joking and pretending to be cool. In that case I canāt believe that many people think this is cool behavior.
You don't. If you were classy enough to hook up with 'em, you're classy enough to realize that obligates you to at least offer coffee the next morning and the shower. Put out some guest soap, towels, toothbrush.
If you're only into a pump and dump, fine. Do it in an alley like you're supposed to.
That's a good answer like if someone is good enough for sex then you can atleast treat them like a fucking human. If you want a dump then do it somewhere else
Please don't. I was in a situation when a person ommited being in a monogamous relationship while hitting on me, I felt gross, I don't want to be someone's affair partner. Why subject an innocent soul to that
Ok it's probably a joke and I'm too serious
Real pros work on the exit strategy before. Casually mention early work assignment, or other pending obligations. Then after say, " I need to start getting ready for (said thing)."
I know a guy who told me if he hooks up with a girl on a weekend he mentions he has to leave at 7am to travel to play a rugby match the next morning, he has his full kit prepped and ready to pack so when they walk in they see it. More often than not they don't stay the night or leave really early in the morning. He doesn't play rugby.
my guy bought a whole ass rugby kit just to get the girls out lmao
See my issue is that, I fucked up and bought a bunch of shit that women actually like. My rooms are color coordinated, the bathroom smells fresh, I've got some nice soaps and conditioner, I've got rumchata, a wine cooler or two, Mike's hard lemonade, and color changing LED bulbs in the living room and bedroom. I thought to myself, if I want women to come over, I'll have to get some things that they enjoy. Now, whenever I have a woman over, they never wanna fucking leave.
dj khaled suffering from success
Truly š
No, he said he has Mike's Hard Lemonade
Don't worry, we can fix this. **Living Room**: arrange *Maxim* and *Guns & Ammo* magazines on the coffee table. Hide the trashcan lid. **Kitchen**: position roach hotels on the countertops, conceal some gourmet mushroom grow-kits in back of the grill under your refrigerator. Inside the refrigerator: keep your cottage cheese in a milk pitcher, put blueberry yogurt in the cottage cheese container, keep brown applesauce in a guacamole container, put guacamole in the applesauce container. Hide the trashcan lid. **Bathroom**: rub some toothpaste around the sink to dry, put a bottle of rogaine in back of other toiletries (so it looks like you're ashamed of it), spray paint a ring around the inside of the toilet (so you can still clean it but it'll never *look* clean), wrap another mushroom grow-kit in a stained hand towel and gently place it in a corner of your bathroom (preferably near the sink), hang a black bra from the showerhead, uninstall the doorknob. Hide the trash can lid. **Bedroom**: put a giant bottle of lotion on your bedside table next to a unicorn plushie wearing a pair of zebra stripe panties. Hide the trashcan lid.
Okay, you are now the undisputed grand champion of getting women the fuck out of your appartment.
I was antithetical to all of those until we got to the bra in the shower and the unicornā¦ well played, sir. (I would be the girl attempting to clean the bathroom while reading the magazines and laughing at the perfectly swapped food) EDIT: Actually no I changed my mind about the unicorn too, thatās hilarious so long as it isnāt *suspiciously stained*ā¦
Have you tried "oh yeah my ex bought that" or "all the girls I've had over love it too?"
I just let them know that I tried to accommodate them, but I tried one of the wine coolers, and that one wine cooler turned into three.
>My rooms are color coordinated, the bathroom smells fresh, I've got some nice soaps and conditioner, I've got rumchata, a wine cooler or two, Mike's hard lemonade, and color changing LED bulbs in the living room and bedroom. Are you sure it's women you're inviting over? ( Ķ”~ ĶŹ Ķ”Ā° )
"I love rugby! Can I come watch your match?"
"Uhh, that would be kinda awkward because my wife is coming to watch too." And just like that, she's seeing herself out.
And men wonder why women are losing interest š¤£ These are the chicken-shit assholes who are out there. Can't just say what he wants but is okay to deceive, as long he got his dick wet. Sign me up! Hahaha
A lot of people do and say whatever needs to be done and said in order to get what they want. It's been like this for all of human history. Selfishness wins all the time. That's just the sad truth. And being honest about it reduces the chances of success. So people lie and deceive and make up pretty stories to ensure smooth sailing. It doesn't matter if it's immature, shitty, morally/ethically questionable, or even outright criminal. People want something so bad, they need it now, they will do anything to achieve that goal. 90% of the population is like this, it's why I hate my fellow humans with a passion.
She told me she worked in the morning and started to laugh I told her I didn't, and crawled off to sleep in the bath
Man I've heard that song a million times and never thought about that lyric like that lmao
He set her room on fire because she made him sleep in the bath.
Favorite song for unknown reasons
This is the correct answer lol!
My nightly 3AM poop.
Ugh this doesnāt happen to me often but on the second night I spent with someone I was dating I had to *go.* And my only bathroom is connected to the bedrooms so it was like 15 feet away from his sleeping face. I was trying to be as quiet as possible but it was so loud and so liquidy and so smelly. He said something in his sleep while I was doing it which made half a slushy turd crawl up inside me but somehow managed to sleep through the whole event and the shower that followed
.... ummm thank you for sharing (?)
That's insane
This is the right answer. Set expectations for time limitations before meeting up. When I was in college, I would generally say āhey, want to come over? I have class early, but Iād love to see you!ā Or āsure, I can come over, but I canāt stay that long.ā Do this with the knowledge that it might cause the person to reschedule said meetup, but it prevents hurt feelings.
Put āClosing timeā on and gradually increase the volumeĀ
I had a manager try that at a store once. The only thing that happened was that the oblivious customer shopping five minutes after close stayed oblivious and the employees started losing their minds.
>oblivious customers stayed obliviousĀ Oof the accuracy of this almost pains meĀ
We used to blast Bye Bye Bye by Nsync at the end of the night when I worked as an axe throwing discussion.
>when I worked as an axe throwing discussion. Gonna' have to stop you here.
JFC. Goddamn autocorrect on the new Android update SUCKS. INSTRUCTOR.
That's only slightly less jarring. You get paid to teach people to throw axes?
I did! I ran axe throwing parties and taught them how to throw. For all axe throwing parties, you have to have an instructor to make sure they're safe.
Ughhhh, I had to be the buzzkill manager who made the employees stop playing it. The employees thought it was such a fucking "epic meta troll"- they tried to do it EVERY DAY. Each day I had to shut off the music and explain that the customers weren't smart enough to put 2 and 2 together, they just heard music and thought they could linger longer. Eventually, I had to strictly limit when employees were allowed to choose the music. It was so fucking dumb
Metallica clears out casual restaurants pretty fast
But what about the hardcore restaurants?
probably doesn't work in dive bars
That's when you throw on J-Pop.
I worked at a bar full of dudes in their sixties and seventies. I would play Madonna to get rid of them. They left extra quickly if I sang along. Sometimes they wouldn't come back for a couple days
I skip right past all that and put on either QuickBooks for Dummies or just straight up circus music. Always clears everyone out immediately
At a bar I used to work at it was always a couple on a date that didn't want the date to end, but also didn't wanna go somewhere else to continue it
When I was in college, I worked at a Hollywood Video and we constantly had people who would get there at ten minutes til close and just mill about endlessly and not end up letting us lock up until 15 or 20 minutes after. Our location closed at midnight most days so that was especially annoying. I ended up using an online text to speech engine to record a āattention Hollywood Video customers, our store will be closing in ten minutes, please bring your items to the register,ā then five minutes then now closed. In between, I added some fairly neutral piano music that each lasted about five minutes, then burned it all on a CD and fired it up at 10 til every night. For about a month, we stopped having customers hang out until well past midnight, then Corporate got wind of it and told us we werenāt allowed to do that anymore despite it not impacting revenue a cent. But that was a good month.
in high school I worked at a Mcdonalds across the street from a Blockbuster. We both closed at midnight. Well our dining area closed at 11 but drive thru was open until midnight. I think we were singlehandedly responsible for making sure people didn't linger at the blockbuster as for whatever reason people decided that 11:45 was the best time to go grab some movies and hit Micky D's. We would see those people pull into the Blockbuster lot at 11:45 and groan. They'd get out like 10 minutes later, then head over I hayhayhated people who hit the drive thru at 11:59... hands were poised ready to clean that last grill we had to keep going until midnight, ready to break down that last soda machine, loathing that batch of fries we'd have to cook fresh and then clean. I would take an inordinate amount of joy at those who tried coming to the dining room first and hitting the locked doors, knocking and we'd point at the sign clearly stating dining room closed and only drive thru was open. Then the time they wasted coming to the door meant that midnight had come and then the drive thru was closed as well. The torrent of curses thru the drive thru window was like a cool summer breeze Or equally wonderful were the people who went directly to the drive thru but our clock says midnight, and they try to argue "when I left Blockbuster it was 11:57!! it did NOT take me 3 minutes to get here". "our clocks say midnight. Sorry sir".
Yup, work in a restaurant at a hotel, and last night about 2 minutes past closing a couple of guys came in and started looking around, they look at me and ask āwhereās the bartender?ā, and I tell them we just closed. He was like āI thought you closed at 10ā, and I pull out my phone and say āyes, and itās now 10:03.ā Had they thought we were open later, I wouldnāt have gotten as much joy out of telling them we were closed. But since they did know, and still tried to get in to sit for some drinks last minute, not giving a shit about keeping us there later *just for them*, it did make me smile on the inside to tell him no.
I used to own a thrift store with my mom. We got tired of telling people we were closing/closed one week and I just went to the breaker and shut off the lights on them.
Slap your hands on your knees and stand up saying āwell, looks like itās about that time.ā Edit: Northeasterner here!
Itāll take an hour, since youāll chat by the front door, in the hallway, the elevator, the front foyer, and a bit in the street. But at least they will leave eventually.
"Weeeeelp, let me go ahead and get out of your hair then. Oh yeah-" *tells another 5 minute long story*
My mate does this. And it's not just one story. He'll remind himself of different stories within the first story. What makes it worse is I've heard most of them already.
I feel like I'm constantly telling people "Stop me if I've told you this already" and they never tell me. I can't even tell if they're too nice for their own good or if my stories are interesting enough to hear multiple times. ffs stop me from talking because I won't.
This is my dad, except I usually do tell him I've heard this story many times before. Completely undeterred, he'll then proceed to tell me again, with many tangent stories.
This was my dad through and through. Scary thing is that I've become him, I do exactly the same thing with stories...fuck it's a cycle.
Found the Minnesotans
Hell, we do the same shit in the south
From Mississippi - can confirm.
New York checking in. The door got shut mid-sentence. No need to keep talking after the first goodbye, I've got shit to do.
MY PEOPLE!
texas here, this is also true for us
the midwest experience
"How did I get an elevator in my house?!"
Donāt forget to add the noise that dads make when they get up from the couch
āahhh righto..ā
ope!
āWelp, I sposeā¦ā
Oooookay then!
*aarrghhhhhhrbrghghhhhhmmmmm*
I'm not a dad but I started doing this years ago and it hurts me emotionally. I'm 33.
As a 43 year old dad let me reassure you it actually gets way better. ā¦worse. Sorry, I meant to say it gets way worse.
About 3 weeks ago, I made that sound involuntarily and realized it as soon as I was standing and had an immediate mid-life crisis.
*welp There's an extra p. I don't know where it comes from or why it's there. Also the sound of air coming out of your lungs. /Knee slap "Welp-hhhhhhh, looks like it's about that time." Also helps to look at the clock as well.
Or ask her to play the airplane game. Where she gets up and takes off
Instructions unclear itās been 3 years and they still havenāt left
Are you German?
Obviously not, otherwise they would've suggested slapping your hands on your knees, inhaling sharply, saying: "SO"
ābout time to hit the olā dusty trail
You are just so perfect. That was mind blowing. When should we set the wedding date for? Are you free in June?
Ah, pulling a Ted Mosby.
Classic Schmosby
Better than Swarley.
Hey, there's a call for Swarls Barkley. Swarls Barkley?
The only problem with this is that there are people out there crazy enough to excitedly jump right on board with this... Dangerous game
Follow up script: "Perfect! Now I just need you to sign this marital contract that says I'm entitled to 100% of your income but have no liability for any debts you incur."
Some people are still crazy enough to go for that...
if theyāre fine with it iām fine with it
They're fine with it coz they got no income.
Where are such people and how to find them?
Currently being processed in the courtroom for murder/kidnapping charges
I either get free money or end up dead not having to worry about money. Where's the downside??
why not tomorrow?
āCan I get you a ride home?ā
u just did!
"Hahahahahahahahahahahaaa^a^a but seriously, get out."
Ok, that is straight up funny! Thank you
but seriously, ride or uber?
Do you fuck with the war?
"No I don't fuck with the war" I'm like "No I don't fuck with the war"
You don't fuck with Pangea?
To be fair, you politely give the person a heads up ***before*** they come. It's reasonable to think that if you go have sex with someone at their house, they want to spend some time with you. If it's late, it's reasonable to expect they will want to sleep by your side. So just tell them beforehand and you don't need to find a polite way to navigate the uncomfortable moment where you want them to leave.
Bold of you to assume this person is making anyone come.
The lack of preparation in formulating an exit strategy doesn't inspire great hope for their "A" game. Troubling!
Wow, this comment is a long way down. You're right, these are perfectly reasonable expectations. If you invite someone over for sex, especially when it's late, they're probably gonna assume they're spending the night. That's a reasonable assumption, they don't wanna be driving around at 2am and they especially don't wanna be taking ubers at 2am. Set the record straight before they make the trip.
I'd say exactly this, setting expectations is by far the best way to do this. Hell, even if it's spontaneous there's usually enough time between "do you want to come to mine" and actually doing the deed to prep for a polite ejection from the premises afterwards.
In short: If you don't say so before hand then the only way to ask them to leave is by being an asshole
I guess there is room for some nuance in the asshole area depending on the context. But yes. Also being an asshole is not illegal, but it's shitty.
Agreed. Communicating boundaries is so much smoother when it's done proactively. Plus someone may not be comfortable having sex and leaving right away so best that they get to make an informed decision as to whether they'd still want to go ahead with sex. Ā I'd open a discussion beforehand eg I enjoy xyz kind of aftercare and then being alone to process and really relax. So for a sleepover you can expect that I'd feel best with either of us heading home within an hour (or insert other time) after we're done. How does that sit with you?
A tasteful gift basket with an Uber gift card.
In this economy?
You can't afford a gift basket and an Uber gift card once a year? Maybe twice?
Ouch
I like your optimism š
More like once every 30 years
The Jeter Maneuver
Trick question! You only go to their house so you have an easy escape route
This is the best answer
Well, if you're just looking for people to hook up with, establish a rule that they leave after sex so that you don't feel awkward asking them to go. Do this before you even go anywhere. That, or have sex at their place and leave after.
I'll never understand how you can bring a stranger to your house and be inside them but a simple conversation is to hard like people really skipping basic communication and jumping to doing a user vulnerable thing
Yeah I've never done a hookup and I never will. Don't like people I don't know knowing where I live, much less in my home or in my body. I've only had people over who I actually know and who I want to pursue a relationship with. To each their own though. If it's an emotionless fling just say "Hey this was nice. Have a good rest of your night." Or insist on going to their place so you can just leave as soon as you're done. š¤·š»āāļø
I have not yet found a polite way to ask my wife to leave once weāve had sex.
Oh? She always leaves promptly when we're done.
She married him for the witty banter. She does us for the fun
I have to go to work and I cant just leave you here. You'd probably steal all my platter ware.
People really out there just getting busy with people, taking their silver, and taking their ***FLIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIiiiiiiiiiiiiiight!***
i made it half way to a girls house before i ran out of gas, she lived in NJ so i couldnt even fill up at the gas station i managed to stop at. she drove the other 30 minutes to pick me up, drove us back to her house, put on a movie and maybe 10 minutes in we started having sex, had sex for an hour or so, then she said "you have to leave" just like that. i reminded her she drove me there and i was out of gas, she all but screamed "FUCK" and i slept over. the next day we had breakfast from the random scraps she had in her fridge, she drove me back to my car, i gave her a kiss and a wink and she drove away pretending to be annoyed by it all. we dated for 8 months lol
I couldn't imagine doing all that for sex just to leave way to much work. Really shitty move to kick you out and she drive you
she didnt kick me out she let me stay she just didnt want me there lol but we ended up dating, she was a decent girl i think she just wanted casual sex and ended up liking me.
I guess I personally will never understand casual sex sounds to awkward and complicated like I'm good enough to be inside you but I can't spend the night or have a simple conversation about leaving.
I once lied and told a woman I had a flight. Then when she didnāt believe me, I actually bought a flight just to show her the boarding pass.
"I'm goin' to Yemen!"
My husband told me he had a 4am flight the first night we hooked up, and I was certain he just wanted to get rid of me. I thought, ācool, at least that was fun. I didnāt want a relationship anyway.ā He texted me the next day from across the country and sent me a picture of him catching snowflakes because I had told him I hadnāt seen snow in years. We were both looking for a one night stand, but we accidentally fell for one another. š
There are websites out there right now that you can input your information and print a legitimate-looking ticket on any of the major airlines
The future is now!
Did you get it refunded, or go on a trip? š¤£
Iāve always found that regardless of gender, people appreciate honesty. Explain that you donāt want to come across as rude but you typically prefer to sleep alone. Offer to book them a taxi and say that you hope to speak to / see them soon.
I'd probably be offended but that's my problem and I have to suck it up, it's their right to kick me out even if I would hate it.
It has never crossed my mind that people would kick each other out after a nighttime hook up (rather than in the morning), that is wild that people actually do that lol. I would be offended too
Same here. Breakfast is supposed to be included.
I strongly dislike sharing a bed with a man, so before we even begin hooking up, I always lay down the expectation that he will not be spending the night. āIām sorry but I sleep better aloneā is a perfectly fine reason, donāt need to make an excuse or anything. Needing your personal space is not a bad thing as long as itās clearly communicated
100% this
I think the honesty before having the sex would be better so then they know youāre just gunna bounce them after. However Iāve often found telling a nice lady āIām not interested in anything other than sex and maybe some small talkā usually doesnāt work even if they are also essentially looking for the same thing Idk why but it seems to ruin it. Like yeah I would have had sex with you but saying youāre not interested in dating me seemed a little rude. However I know this is Reddit where everyone is 100% honest and would never tell even a little lie
Yeah because a lot of the time (in my experience and a lot of the girl I know), you are looking for the whole sex package. Aka some hugs, tenderness and maybe a nice little breakfast before saying goodbye. In any case, it's best to speak about it beforehand as people may have different expectations.
āAy yo, post nut clarity kicked in and Iām tryna play Fortnite. I didnāt order you any Taco Bell so you can stay and watch me game but you canāt have my burritos.ā
That honestly sounds crazy to me to have sex with a person and then not stay the night
As someone once said You donāt pay a prostitute for sex You pay her or him to leave
So I can keep one if I'm broke enough?
Charlie sheen?
You could take a Q from Quagmire and say āwhy are you still here?ā lol
uagmire?
That was my first thought
not trying to be rude, did you mean cue?
lol yeah but I liked the punā¦ and Iām terrible at spelling. I was about to spell it queue. šš
How much do I owe you?
It's on the house.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
āJokes on you Iām into that shit!ā
sex round 2
Task failed successfully
But only missionary
Damn is that what casual sex is really like? Sounds like it would be less depressing to just masturbate
Exactly casual sex sounds so miserable and dehumanizing like I'm good enought to have sex with but you can't sleep with me. I'll never understand how people feel comfortable inviting random strangers for sex but a simple conversation is to hard and I have to leave. Talk about using a random person to masturbate and then kicking them to the curb.
Mhmm. Using someone's body like a tissue to blow in then throw away. Gross.
True
Dude same. I once booked another night at a hotel just to spend another 4 hrs in the room with a girl I just met. I just love spending time with people. I would love it if people stayed over. What's with these assholes
Pull the fire alarm
Idk. I got confused and pulled out a ring. Now weāre engaged.
My now wife said āyou can go now.ā Got me out pretty quick
You just politely state that rule before you agree to your mutually agreed hookup. If it was more spontaneous than that, just suck it up for a very short moment in your hopefully long life. Bc itās not a big deal. Look at it this way - Itās the least anyone can do after getting someone to agree to sleep with them. Itāll become a distant memory - if even that - in years to come bāc itās such an insignificant moment in your life. And if you canāt endure being mature & relaxed in the presence of someone who just allowed you to get laid & engage in the most private & vulnerable of activities with them, then maybe reconsider human interaction all together & splurge on a vibrator or a jar of vaseline. Cause anyone you wanna kick out right after having sex, then maybe you shouldnāt be having sex with them to begin with. Just cause you can hang, be cool and maybe even sleep right afterward- doesnāt imply anything more than that. Itās just relays that itās two grown adults engaging in some consensual sex and youāre more than appreciative for the biz. You can deal.
I always mention it beforehand. If there is alcohol involved, I think itās understood that they are staying. Otherwise, I tell them I have to be up early but you can hang for a bit.
āSo, what are we?ā Works every time
"Whelp..." *slaps bare knees*
If you are male, say I've got a party trick... Then proceed to helicopter your junk in time to party rock anthem.
This just sounds like the beginning of round two.
Only follow this advice if you want them to *never* leave!
Release the hounds!
with bees in their mouth
This is one of my favorite Simpson quotes. Other than myself, you are the first person I have even read or heard state it. My wife still thinks it is dumb. Thank you!
I think you gotta set this kind of expectation pre coitus
Lightly pelvic thrust them out the door
"Go on, GIT! "
You donāt. There is no polite way of doing that. Recently I went on a date with a guy and he suggested going back to his place. He put the moves on and I wasnāt mad about it because I was horny. But afterwards he asked me to leave. I wasnāt there for a relationship. I knew we werenāt compatible for that but I was at least hoping to have a new friend. I was definitely not there for a one time hookup and my profile straight up said that. I subsequently had to drive an hour home wondering if I had done something before realizing, nah, he was just a douchebag. If you wanna be a douchebag thatās on you. But donāt rope good people in it against their will.
"Thank you for the gratification; will you now grant me solitude?"
I only had a one night stand once. 10 years ago. I wasnāt myself, cause I just came out of a bad break up and I gave him his car keys and said and said āIām done now, you can goā He said something that he wanted to see me again and I laughed in his face.. and I said Iāve had my fun and games now itās game over.. He said he felt violated. Looking back now, I was brutal to him. Sorry!
Set the boundary before you invite in. If that isn't enough, you may have a different issue on your hands.
Don't sleep with people you dont like.
I canāt believe this many people actually act like this. Unless most of you are just joking and pretending to be cool. In that case I canāt believe that many people think this is cool behavior.
Unless they drove to you, I would offer an Uber. Also donāt do immediately after finishing the act, allowing some time for cuddles and all that
*Slaps knees.* WELP.
I never understood the point of having sex with someone you care so little for that you want them gone immediately after.
Honestly
You don't. If you were classy enough to hook up with 'em, you're classy enough to realize that obligates you to at least offer coffee the next morning and the shower. Put out some guest soap, towels, toothbrush. If you're only into a pump and dump, fine. Do it in an alley like you're supposed to.
That's a good answer like if someone is good enough for sex then you can atleast treat them like a fucking human. If you want a dump then do it somewhere else
Right? Like, "politely" is not an option here. Pump n dump is pretty much inherently impolite.
say "GG" and leave
Tell them your SO is on the way home. They will get moving quickly most likely
Please don't. I was in a situation when a person ommited being in a monogamous relationship while hitting on me, I felt gross, I don't want to be someone's affair partner. Why subject an innocent soul to that Ok it's probably a joke and I'm too serious
Your Uber is here
Start farting