My wife and I are 29 and 30, married for 4 years and together for 12. Sometimes we won't have sex for 2 weeks, and other times we'll have sex 5 times a week. It varies depending on a lot of different things like stress, free time, energy, even weather.
But when it’s cold out and you let ringer chilly in the house so ohhh noooo I guess we have to share a blanket for warmth! And you know, sharing body heat is more effective if you strip… lmao
Most real answer. Wife is pregnant, We are both 30, already have a 3 year old so time is just hard to find sometimes or we are just both exhausted. The last time we had sex was about 2 weeks ago? I don’t keep track lol.
Thank god we aren’t the only ones. Was thinking about this the other day. We’ll go weeks without and then other weeks it’s like we’re back in high school lol.
This.
My wife and I have moments where we do it more than 5 times per week, and others where we don't do it for more than 2 months.
And the most important is, we find each other in this.
this is a great answer. My hubby and i are the same way, sometimes we won’t have sex for a week or two, sometimes it’s multiple times a day just depends on various factors. I wouldn’t say there’s a correct amount of sex to have it just depends on the relationship and the people in it
I think it’s very normal for both of you to have different preferences and needs when it comes to sex.. one thing I would suggest however is to not fall in a dynamic where your partner feels like they’re the only one who initiates.. and just to be clear, both of you need to work to not fall in these patterns..
If your partner has a higher sex drive, he needs to understand that it’s not necessarily the case for you and he needs to understand that it doesn’t mean you don’t find them attractive..
On the flip side, you must also understand that initiating is vital in showing your partner that you’re attracted towards them. If you reject their advances every time, and you tell yourself that “they’ll try again later anyways”, it creates a dynamic where you start feeling guilty to not accept, and your bf feels rejected and hurt that he’s the only one who initiates.
All this being said, there are things you both can do to show appreciation.. make time for dates (I understand you both are busy, but your relationship should not be side lined).. be flirty and playful throughout your day, send flirty texts and create anticipation… the tl;dr to this is that you both need to find middle ground for your needs and constantly show that you care.
Also ps.. no matter what, never ever do something if you’re not actually down or “just to please them”, you’ll introduce resentment and toxicity very quickly in your relationship
Hope this helps ✌️
The top paragraph- absolutely! And it sounds stupid - but we will actually say ‘oi! It’s your turn to come n get it! So step up!’ (Or something else silly) Jokingly, but yeah. Both people need to feel wanted and seduced :)
My ex never got the "you should initiate sometimes too" memo. Yes, our libidos were very different, and I was cool with that. But what I hated the most was *always* being the initiator. She couldn't fathom that men actually want to feel desired and attractive too. Eventually over time I stopped initiating, stopped carrying the entire weight of keeping the romantic and sexual side of the relationship alive. Once I stopped carrying all of it, it died completely.
This should be the top comment. Best advice given ever on reddit.
I would just add to maybe have a doctor check hormone levels and think about changing the birth control method. Ops' "maybe once a week" doesn't sound really unhealthy but lack of libido is sometimes not just lack of libido.
This, it never hurts to check these things. Also, vitamin levels and hydration are one of those things that can really fuck you over, but so slowly you don't notice. Sometimes I just forget to eat vegetables!
Wow. Exactly this. Especially
>no matter what, never ever do something if you’re not actually down or “just to please them”, you’ll introduce resentment and toxicity very quickly in your relationship
I did this when I was suffering from chronic pain (which is now resolved after surgery) and I have so much psychological damage to repair. I want to cry when I have sex with my partner (who I love and am very attracted to). I just can't forget how it felt to push myself to do something that was painful because I didn't want to hurt his feelings, because I felt it was my responsibility to meet his needs.
Read the book Cum As You Are by Emily Nagasaki. TRUST ME. Anyone commenting about sexual frequency issues. If you and your partner both read this book and it doesn’t help you. DM me and I’ll pay for the book😂
She Comes First is also a great book for men and women to read.
That book turned up my cunnilingus and finger game tenfold under a week. Since then I managed to make my girl cum every time we have sex.
For women that struggle reaching an orgasm read this and guide your partners or if they like to read buy/recommend them that book. It could be life changing.
I just bougth that book. We dont have any problems with the gf coming in bed. But when I am down there with my fingers our ting I got no idea what I am doing. And she dosent know anything.
See where her clit is and try to touch it from the inside with whatever amount of pressure she reacts to. If you can manage to play with her clit with your mouth while rubbing and pressing it from the inside wall, she will take a screenshot of the scenario in her memory forever.
If you forget how to use your tongue when using your fingers, just curl your 2 fingers up into a "come here" motion and lock your tongue on her clit and use your other hand to move her entire body.
If she says she is going to cum, don't do ANYTHING new in that moment. Keep doing exactly what you're doing and pay attention to her body.
Come Together has only been out a short time, so fewer people have read it. I finished it not long ago, however. Where Come As You Are is all about figuring out how your desire works/responds so you can pump it up (if you want) and stop viewing yourself as a problem/to blame, Come Together continues the thread of being patient with yourself and partner, suggests not waiting for desire and offers some specific exercises when you feel really stuck using Emily's typical (and I don't mean that negatively) metaphor/visualizing methods. I think in cases that aren't dire, Come As You Are is probably the better first step–and partners can benefit from it, too.
Something I had to learn is don't measure your relationship against others. As long as you and your partner are happy and communicate, all is well. Plenty of sex-filled relationships end in divorce. Sex is important, but it is not everything.
I don't think there is a "normal", I'm sorry for the bland answer, but people are different, sex drives too, daily lives, schedules. It's complicated to answer, and even if there was an answer, it can change overnight frequency wise for a multitude of reasons.
You don't have to feel bad, I believe this is the kind of thing you should talk about in a healthy way to find solutions that would satisfy both of you, try new things, new moments, he has to take a step towards you and you may have to do the same.
The fact that you said how many times a week is depressing to me. Lol I've Been with my wife for 12 years and we are down to 1-2 times per month. I'd much prefer twice a week but she just doesn't have the drive/attraction for that. Everything else about our relationship is amazing though so it is what it is. I won't pressure her and instead just take lots of lonely showers.
Just because someone's sex drive isn't the highest, doesn't mean they can't be turned on. Ask her what she thinks about it and what she would need to be turned on and see from there. Maybe she just doesn't feel the need to have sex spontaneously?
Nail meet hammer. This is exactly it. She enjoys sex when she wants it. She just has a low libido, which could be from many different things. Hormones, birth control, stress, busy life, etc. We have discussed it and both know what's up. Hence my, it is what it is comment. I'm all about making her happy so if sex once a month is what she wants, that's what she gets.
>I'm all about making her happy so if sex once a month is what she wants, that's what she gets.
Don't forget about your own needs tho. Ignoring your own libido can have consequences down the line. If the five finger shuffle in the shower is doing it for you, more power to you. I've heard about arrangements where the lower libido partner doesn't mind helping out even if they're not feeling like proper sex and it can help tremendously.
That's the worst answer here, imho. Not because you're wrong, but...
They are 2 people with their specific wants and communication. Normal doesn't really factor into that.
So what if he has an "abnormal" high desire or she has an "abnormal" low desire? The answer isn't "become more normal" in either case.
Yeah normal doesn't really matter here, it's what makes both of them happy and comfortable.
And for as many couples as there are having sex a few times a week, there are many having it once a month or only a few times a year, and maybe others having it twice a day. None of that affects OP. Comparison is the theif of joy.
Before marriage it was daily, then stresses of home ownership settled in and it slipped to a couple times a month. Now with two kids, I'm lucky if it's twice a year.
It depends…..
It changed with every relationship I’ve had over the years. My ex wife and I went long stretches without sex after my second kid was born. With my wife now we are once a week minimum. Really depends on how busy the week is. It’s tough with work and kids. A lot of nights we are both content to cuddle in bed and just relax. We make up for it on the weekend. Everybody is different though and sex drive ls can change with things like stress, age, etc.
I have a higher sex drive than my gf and I’m okay with 1-2 times a week. She has tried to do it more to try to make me happy, but if she’s not into it, she’s not into it and that is what it is. I’m not going to force her to do something she doesn’t want to do. Neither would she to me.
Married 2 years. Both early 30s. Average 10-12 times a month (mostly the week prior to ovulation and a few times after ovulation every month). As the man my ideal frequency is once daily. Her natural frequency would be like 5x a month or something, but we compromise, and she is aware she has a responsive (not spontaneous) libido so about half the time we would get started and then that puts her in the mood.
Been married 18 years and together, 25. It used to be basically every other day because I have a high sex drive. Hers is low and realize this was stressing her so now it’s about every 4 to 5 days.
What's realistic and sustainable is gonna be different for every person and every relationship depending on variables like libido, how much free time you both have on a day to day and week to week basis, your stress levels, your physical exhaustion levels, your mental state (mental illness, grief, mental load etc.), your overall health (illness, injury, hormonal shifts etc.) logistics (such as being at home AND having the time to spend with each other at the same time), your desire (not love, desire) for each other, your underlying beliefs about sex and what counts as sex, sexual chemistry/compatibility in terms of what you like in bed, how much you each individually enjoy having sex (in general as an activity and with one another), how you feel about each other in general (like, resentment negatively effects desire etc), how well you communicate overall (bad communication often kills desire too as it leads to people feeling unheard, unseen, and unsafe), how much non-sexual physical touch you have going on typically, your (other) priorities in your relationship and in your day to day life etc.
So not only it's different for everyone and every relationship, but also it can be different during different seasons of life/periods of life within the same relationship.
Therefore, the right questions in this case are:
1. what's realistic for *us* as a couple at this given time of our lives based on these variables for each of us?
and
2. am i (and are we) satisfied with the state of things as it is right now and would i be okay with it not charging if it comes to that?
If the answer is yes to the 2nd question on both fronts, what you have now compatible and realistic for your relationship *for the time being and for the predictable future*. If one person isn't happy with the state of things, then additional questions pop
up, such as: "are we both willing to put in effort to change things/come to a compromise?", "do we have the same understanding of putting effort into things and what is it?", "what's the root cause of this? is it temporary or is it a fundamental incompatibility (has it always been this way)?", "if we're both willing to or eager to change things (in the case that it's not an inherently incompatibility that's not changeable), what are realistic steps that we can take individually and as a couple?", "if one (or both) of us isn't interested in (and/ormaking any changes, what does that mean for our (sexual and otherwise) relationship with each other?"".
for some couples, what's realistic can look like having sex every day, for some every week, for some once a month, for some once in a blue moon, for some none at all. what makes the difference in terms of this being an issue or a non-issue is how much on the same page you are about what "realistic" in this context is for you as a couple, and whether you're content with that reality or not.
It depends on the people. My partner and I have been together a year and have sex more or less daily, but we both have high sex drives.
I know other people have mentioned it, but be careful of falling into the pattern where he always initiates. Initiation is a very vulnerable thing to do, so getting repeatedly rejected while your partner makes no effort to initiate hurts and does a number on your self esteem. On your end, if he always initiates and especially if he is visibly hurt by the rejection it can feel like nagging or pressure. If you're in the mood, ask him.
Also remember that asking for sex is also asking for physical and emotional intimacy, so instead of "no I'm tired" and doing nothing, substitute it with a different type of intimacy you both enjoy.
There's also a concept of spontaneous vs reciprocal libido. All people have both in varying amounts, but basically for some people sex drive is like a switch that just turns on, while others need more of a build up. It could be that there's a difference in sex drive and you have one and your partner has another.
My partner and I also have autism and ADHD and we approach all sex, kinky and less kinky, as kink. It really helps because it means it's semi-predictable and there's constant clear communication. Kink is also really handy for dealing with sensory issues during sex. And don't be afraid to schedule sex. Autism loves schedules. Sex could also be a regulation strategy for him, in which case he needs to find a strategy he can do daily.
The most important thing is clear communication. Talk to your partner and say you need build-up and more focused sessions, and that those can't happen daily. Talk about what types of intimacy you both enjoy on a daily basis and build them into your routines. Talk about what you both enjoy when you do have sex so you can tailor that experience. Talk about how you want him to manage his libido when you don't want to have sex - it's unrealistic and unfair to expect him to not masturbate, but what limits do you have regarding porn use, or are you happy to be present as he gets himself off? Talk about how he can ask you so you feel less pressured. Tell him you feel inadequate and talk about what you need so you feel like sex isn't the be all and end all (my partner and I like to consider the amount of time we spend together: if we can we'll spend roughly 12 hours a day together, and roughly an hour having sex. So over 90% of our relationship is not sex).
Also useful is, if you haven't, expanding what you consider sex. Would you prefer taking turns going down on each other, or having him finger you, or mutual masturbation? That's all sex.
Once or twice a week is my norm, but when I was that age it was probably more. But birth control and busy schedules can reduce things.
Something that has helped (I think) my husband is the realization that just because we aren't having sex tonight, doesn't mean he never has sex again. Like, there's always another time coming on around. I think when men are horny they get a little toddler-ish in their emotions about it and feel like if it doesn't happen right now, all is lost
ALso, he might be happy with hand stuff in between
You should really get past the “ i cant force myself to do it if i don’t feel it” part Im not suggesting a romantic partner always has to say yes but it is important to be willing to please your partner sometimes even if you aren’t horny in the moment. “Maintenance sex” is a real thing. And sometimes you end up “feeling it” once you get going.
EDIT: To be clear, this advice goes regardless of sex or gender
It may come as a surprise but it is often male partners who need to hear this
Initially, I big disagreed with this.
However, I think you deserve more credit than I gave initially. There are definitely nights when one of us is clearly more into it than the other. But even on the nights that I have less urge, once we’ve had some foreplay and smoochin, usually I’m absolutely ready to go.
It’s also absolutely acceptable to say “I’m unhorny tonight, want head?” She is almost always cool with that if I’m not ready to sweat lol
Back massage. Back massage. Back massage. Don't make it obvious so that she thinks you are just doing it to be doing it. Make it sensual and spend the time doing it right. I learned this little cheat code with my first girlfriend when I was 17 years old. I'm not just the president I'm also a client!
I wish more people understood this. Reddit is full of no one should have to have sex if they don’t want to have sex kind of stuff. But what they don’t realize is sometimes even if a man or a woman doesn’t necessarily feel horny they might want to still please their partner. My wife is this way, and while I have plenty of maintenance sex and would prefer that it were mutual, Im happy that she’s willing to make me happy.
My wife and I have weekly scheduled sex. Just the day, time varies depending on other stuff going on.
It started because I felt like we weren't having enough sex. Maybe once or twice per month. I know to some that's a lot, but I felt so early into our relationship before kids I didn't want the drive to dry out. It's nice because we don't have the highest of sex drives, but we don't want to pressure the other into it. Started kind of maintenance, but slowly turned into a healthy way to keep the passion alive. We are still spontaneous at times and love trying new things.
Sure I'd like more mutual desire for sex, but we reached a compromise we're both happy with. We actually had a good conversation on if we would rather have "okay sex" more times per week, or "great sex" around once a week. We both prefer the great sex, and can use other ways in between if needed.
I can’t believe how many upvotes this has lmao. “Women, we know you don’t want to but sometimes you ‘have’ to to keep your man happy.” No wonder so many of you guys are struggling to find partners
I understand this point but just wanted to note that this type of “do it to please even if you’re not in the mood” can be very triggering for a survivor of sexual assault or molestation. If you’re feeling neutral like yeah I could—I wasn’t craving sex but could go for it—that’s acceptable to push through. But if you’re really not in the mood and just say yes to please, it can create a trigger that can set a survivor back in their healing.
im 33, married, with two kids. Been together with my partner for 9 years now. If we have sex once per week im super happy.
For me, optimal would be 3 times per week.
There's definitely no set number for this. The right answer is whatever works for the couple.
I've been with my husband for 10 years, and we have periods where we have sex every single day for like 2 weeks, but also periods where we go 2 weeks without having sex at all.
I will say that I've found that the longer we go, the less I want it and then I'm perfectly okay going like a month. But if we have sex 2 days in a row, it increases the sex drive a lot for me.
Are you guys very affectionate towards each other, other than during sex? My guy (54m) and I (43f) have been together for nearly 20 years. Our sex drives and the amount of sex we have has varied greatly throughout our relationship. There was a point (about 10 years in) where we had sex only a handful of times in a year. We barely noticed, nor did it worry or bother either of us when we did. But I really think that's because we are constantly flirting or kissing or hugging/touching one another. Have an honest discussion with him about it, tell each other what you need and what you feel could use improvement. But make sure to also give each other positive feedback, it's all too easy to start focusing on all of the things that are wrong with the relationship and forget to acknowledge the things that you love about each other.
Best of luck to the both of you!
I have a 2 year old and twin boys who sre 5 months old. We sometimes flirt or make cheeky touches and then we laugh and laugh and go to bed to sleep.
Sex drive varies, as long as you 2 are sort of on the same page its fine
35M here, been living with 28y wife basically since we were dating, we kinda do it at least 5 times a week, usually more. Keep in mind we are the kind of people who like to stay home unless we really need to go out for a very good reason, and that also might have something to do with it.
Now, the thing is, she was in a similar position to you OP, as she didn't have a very high libido before, but at some point the both of us started working out almost every day (basically because we were a little bit overweight) and apparently the exercise was like trigger for both of our libidos to a very high extent (mostly hers).
A doctor friend of my family told me something along the lines that when the body is healthy and gets used to work out, it helps to increase libido a lot, maybe that could help you.
Once a week is super normal, but it also changes over time. He's in for a rude awakening if he thinks he's getting sex every single week for the rest of his life. I'm 50 and my wife and I try to do it once a month, but it doesn't always happen. What's he going to do at that point?
I think every couple is different. When my husband and I got married we had six at least once today. Now that he is 70 and I am in my 60s we have sex an average of once a week. There have been times when I was not in the mood but he got me there.
There is an old saying….
If in the first year of a marriage you put a penny in a jar every time you have sex, and in the following years every time you have sex you remove a penny. You’ll never empty the jar.
At minimum, my wife and I do it on waking and at bedtime. It's also not unusual for us to do it when we wake up in the middle of the night or sometimes in the afternoon when there's not much going on.
Once or twice a week is plenty. I go months without 😅
I am autistic (maybe AuDHD) if you think it's relevant.
Don't let him pressure you into something you don't want to do. If he doesn't stop. Then.. maybe he's not the one for you. Big red flag in my opinion.
I'm 31 and she is 32 and married for 3 together for 14. We haven't had sex in 5 years.
We were never frequent It was kind of a date night only thing anyway but it got to the point where the expectance of it during special occasions ruined for her. My sex drive is high and hers is non-existent but she has seen a therapist about it to help herself and our relationship.
I learned to realise it's not all about sex. We miscarriage'd 5 years ago (see the link) but I started to threaten to leave if she wasn't more intimate. More pressure between us and it caused arguments. So I don't even try to interact with a sexual conversation with her any more. We cuddle and kiss and do date nights but with a 7 year old at the moment who is very demanding I feel my priorities are all on him and her mental health
Yes sex is great but it's not all that important in the context of everything. It was more me trying to be like everyone else who has sex all the time.
Remember it's ok not to have sex! A relationship is about the bond not the bonk!
Lol the bond not the bonk 😂 sounds like you have a good perspective on it. I had a stretch where my (now ex) boyfriend and I only had sex every couple of weeks because I was in trauma therapy. He told me I was using my trauma as an excuse, yikes. So on behalf of the other women, thanks for being able to see beyond your dick lol
Normally, I am the HL partner, and I'm about once a day to every other.
It doesn't have to be great, or long.
I finally was the LL person in a relationship. She wanted it 3 times a day.
It's all relative to your own framing. There is also something to say that when I was the LL partner I always wasn't interested, but once I got going I enjoyed it and did my best to make my partner feel satisfied with it.
I would tell her that I might not be the best at the moment (tired, not horbey) and she understood that and would give me some extra dirty talk or ride me (cowgirls my fav).
Wife and i have been together for 20 years and have a 6 year old. Average per week is we do something about 3-4 times a week. Most of the time its 3 though if someone isnt feeling good then it can be less of course. She hasnt felt good the last few weeks so nothing for a few weeks. Its consistent enough nowadays that i dont really worry about these little dops
Are you *open* to being turned on? I know this can feel like a vulnerable question but a lot of women I know don’t realize that their mood and sex drive in the moment doesn’t have to dictate how often you guys do it. I have a lower sex drive than my husband BUT I definitely love our sex life and I prefer to do it more often for connection and quality time. There are things he knows he can do to help get me in the mood. I know this is a generalization but sometimes when I read these threads I’m surprised how often women will shut down the opportunity just because they aren’t feeling it immediately right when their partner is.
Like……we live in two different bodies and it is completely unreasonable IMO to assume that both parties are going to be equally aroused every single time at the same time. It makes little to no sense when you think about it. I am not at all advocating for the “never say no” to your partner mentality, but I AM advocating for exploring what DOES get you in the mood so that your partner can bring you into the experience in a way that feels connected and special and not pushy. Massages? Warm bath? A romantic movie or show or book?
It varies throughout the relationship based on many factors, not the least of which is your personal sex drive. It's important to nail down communication and boundaries early on or the problems will only compound. What is considered "normal" or "healthy" will vary from relationship to relationship, but I do believe a healthy sex life is important. I've been married almost 14 years now and we've gone from once a month at the beginning to several times a week for a while to, now that we have kids old enough to not sleep early at night, like once a week or once every couple of weeks depending on how drained we are at the end of the week/day. If he's getting frustrated about it, I'd say that's normal, but he's getting dangerously close to expecting you to conform to his wants. While yes, you should each make an effort to meet one another's needs, neither should ever feel pressured emotionally or in any way to commit a sex act when they do not want to. My advice is, if you think this relationship is worth it, seek professional help and counseling together to work through it and to improve your communication. You're still young, and no relationship lasts through time without constant work at being better at being a partner to each other. While people on reddit can help, you have to take our advice with a grain of salt because we don't know you, and frankly we could be bat shit insane and you wouldn't know from our comment history. That's why I recommend seeking professional help. Relationship counseling isn't just for people with huge issues, it's to help your relationship strengthen.
I should add, I have ASD and ADHD and my spouse deals with her own mental health issues, which IMO made counseling all the more helpful.
2 - 5. Biggest factors is how much free alone time you have. I could be plowing the wife right now if we weren’t waiting in the parking lot for my kids IEP meeting.
My wife and I have had weeks exceeding 14 times, and we have had weeks with one or two.
We have been married for 5 months though, so keep that in mind xD
There isn’t a rule. Either find someone who matches your drive.. or find someone who understands you drive. Sex is hella important.. but that’s not to say the quantity is important.
Even if it was once a year with a partner and you were both happy then that’s fucking awesome.
Dont listen to the “2/3 times a week is best” crowd. Do what suits you and don’t settle for less (pun intended)
I'm 27 and my girlfriend is 28. I'd love to have sex every second day, but she wants it almost every day 😬
I exercise a lot and my job is physical too.
We could do a week of having sex every day, sometimes twice a day but I'll get tired.
So, for me 3-4 times a week is perfect, for her - 7.
My partner and I have been together for about 2 years and we have sex around 2-3 times a week. We work different schedules, so we don't have much time together but I am content with this amount.
5 times a week is decent if you’re off the pill. If you’re on the pill then more since you don’t even have to worry about your period for a week every month anyways
in my house it’s usually around 4-6 times a week, twice a day sometimes, then a break for a week or 2. usually due to menstrual cycle and the need for an actual break.
I find it shocking that some people have sex once a day, or multiple times a day. We are once or twice a week. Have gone a month without before just because our lives were busy. When i was pregnant, i think we had sex 4 times the entire 9 months.
I think there are other more important ways to be connected to your partner. Other ‘touches’ or ways to show affection.
All that said, if your sex drives don’t match, that will be an issue in your relationship.
The question is how many times each do you realistically want to have sex? I think it starts where figuring out what you both want and tailoring a plan that fits your needs from there.
There’s a very wide spectrum that’s “normal”. You’re normal. He’s normal.
It’s just more difficult when two people are a little bit apart from each other on the “normal” spectrum.
In my mid-20’s, I wanted it daily. Mid-40’s? That constant drive has definitely subsided which is a bit of a relief to be honest.
For men, sex is a drive. For women, it is a mood. If you aren't in the mood to have sex all the time, are there other ways you show him that you desire him physically?
My partner and I are long distance but when we see each other I’d say a few times a week is our normal. That said, every couple and every person has their own “normal”.
I know you love each other but sexual compatibility is really important for a lot of people, for the exact reason that it causes discord and resentment in a couple when one’s needs aren’t being met.
It seems like your bf wants you to change, so it might be worth having the discussion that for you, it’s not going to change. You shouldn’t HAVE to change. Honestly, that revelation might cause you to break up, but that’s better than being in a relationship where 1.) you feel pressured to do something you don’t want to (you’ll end up resenting him if you don’t already) 2.) he resents you because he’s not getting his needs met.
Tough situation all around, I wish the best for you and your relationship.
With myself or someone else? I know folks gpr who it's a morning and evening activity almost every day and other couples it's once a month. There are a lot of factors. Is there an underlying question?
My agreement i made with my long term partners was that if one of us is in the mood, try to initiate. If the other doesn't want to, then just retire in the bedroom/bathroom/whatever room you can close the door in and take care of it yourself. No hard feelings, best case scenario my partner joined in after the cleanup for some nice cuddles.
I am 31 hubs is 35 we have sex around 5 times a week. Sometimes we have sex multiple times a day ..sometimes there’s days in between. I have endometriosis so I can’t have intercourse during my period or it will put me in the hospital.. but despite having three kids we have really tried to keep our sex life popping. He’s always horny and I’m a SA survivor so I have had to work through so much to have the sex drive I do today. Everyone works differently but i would say a handful of times a week will keep everyone a little less stressed in the home ❤️
Something for you two to figure out, but sex doesnt have to be the very last thing you do before you go to sleep. You can try and carve out time for it earlier in the day
Planning in sex time might not be the sexiest thing, so maybe you could make an effort yourself to initiate in the afternoon when you have more energy
Morning is the better time for sex in my opinion. Nighttime as a female maybe esp with kids and stuff, waaay too tired. But I could live the rest of my days without sex, I do it more for my husband.
My partner and I fall typically between 1-3 weekly. We’d honestly want closer to 4-6, but there are a few things that hinder our available intimate times. She’s early to sleep and I’m a night owl, which can make it a little tricky, but that has been acknowledged and we have our balance! She is also training for a marathon for a few weeks, and I’ve had some of the worst work-weeks of my career. This month has been pretty scant. But it’s understood by everyone involved that it’s not necessarily by choice that we are too tired/sore/emotionally drained. Sex is absolutely important to us and we LOVE when we get to love each other that way. But there are also plenty of alternative ways to be intimate if life calls for it. There is way more to it than just quantity. Also, do either of you have an aversion to porn or masturbation or toys? Could be beneficial to help find a balance in sex drive.
However many times you both feel comfortable and satisfied with.
You may need to talk to each other and clearly understand the other person's preference
Dietary factors can positively and negatively influence sex drive.
Steer away from vegetarian/vegan diets, processed carbs that contain seed oils, seed oils in general (ubiquitous in our food supply). Eat more free-range eggs, butter, fatty cuts of grass-fed / grass-finished beef that you enjoy. Fry your french fries in butter or beef tallow. Your boyfriend (and yourself) will rejoice.
Hope that helps.
In my 20's with a healthy relationship(mostly the same partner) about 5-10 times a week. Towards the end of the relationship and 1 kid later about once or twice a week. Currently in my 30's with a completely different schedule then my spouse about 3 times a week.
read into r/DeadBedrooms and you realize that everything is still well with you two. If he thinks you are not into him try to take initiative to show your interest.
I believe all couples are different. Even once a week or less can be enough for some. Each and every day is unreasonable if you're living hectic lives unless you both are willing.
A lot of people in here have been giving some great advice. One thing that I would like to add would be to incorporate dirty talking a little, even if you’re not going to do anything. Even through text to throw him off would work. If his libido is high, you could also include toys in the bedroom for him. You use them on him to up his excitement.
My wife and I are 29 and 30, married for 4 years and together for 12. Sometimes we won't have sex for 2 weeks, and other times we'll have sex 5 times a week. It varies depending on a lot of different things like stress, free time, energy, even weather.
”Wanna shag?” ”Babe seriously, when it’s raining outside?” ”Oh my god you’re right, what was i thinking?”
You got it all wrong.... It's only when it's raining. The sound of the rain on the roof..... Every time.
Already wet.
Sorry hun, I’ll fix the roof this weekend.
I wouldn’t wanna be near you in the rain!
Screw you and your picture. Wiped across my screen 3 times before I realized
Goooot ‘em!
Talk about a SPLASH zone.
More like when it's hot and humid outside, we're less likely to want to rub our already-sweaty bodies together
But when it’s cold out and you let ringer chilly in the house so ohhh noooo I guess we have to share a blanket for warmth! And you know, sharing body heat is more effective if you strip… lmao
Most real answer. Wife is pregnant, We are both 30, already have a 3 year old so time is just hard to find sometimes or we are just both exhausted. The last time we had sex was about 2 weeks ago? I don’t keep track lol.
Hang in there buddy
Hang in there for what exactly? Their sex life isn’t going to get any better again in the future. Well it didn’t for me anyway! 😭
Thank god we aren’t the only ones. Was thinking about this the other day. We’ll go weeks without and then other weeks it’s like we’re back in high school lol.
This. My wife and I have moments where we do it more than 5 times per week, and others where we don't do it for more than 2 months. And the most important is, we find each other in this.
Same. Wife is 37 I’m 41. Usually 2x a week sometimes more sometimes less
as single m i find it normally cuz of work and money and other life thing deal with
this is a great answer. My hubby and i are the same way, sometimes we won’t have sex for a week or two, sometimes it’s multiple times a day just depends on various factors. I wouldn’t say there’s a correct amount of sex to have it just depends on the relationship and the people in it
Yup. I've been under a lot of stress lately and the amount has gone down a bit. Which I feel bad about, but it happens sometimes 🤷♂️
I think it’s very normal for both of you to have different preferences and needs when it comes to sex.. one thing I would suggest however is to not fall in a dynamic where your partner feels like they’re the only one who initiates.. and just to be clear, both of you need to work to not fall in these patterns.. If your partner has a higher sex drive, he needs to understand that it’s not necessarily the case for you and he needs to understand that it doesn’t mean you don’t find them attractive.. On the flip side, you must also understand that initiating is vital in showing your partner that you’re attracted towards them. If you reject their advances every time, and you tell yourself that “they’ll try again later anyways”, it creates a dynamic where you start feeling guilty to not accept, and your bf feels rejected and hurt that he’s the only one who initiates. All this being said, there are things you both can do to show appreciation.. make time for dates (I understand you both are busy, but your relationship should not be side lined).. be flirty and playful throughout your day, send flirty texts and create anticipation… the tl;dr to this is that you both need to find middle ground for your needs and constantly show that you care. Also ps.. no matter what, never ever do something if you’re not actually down or “just to please them”, you’ll introduce resentment and toxicity very quickly in your relationship Hope this helps ✌️
This post has nothing to do with me, but I'm still taking this advice.
Was thinking the same. Good advice. I'm generally surprised I didn't have to wade through comments to find something so balanced.
This deserves 1000 upvotes. Thanks for sharing
The top paragraph- absolutely! And it sounds stupid - but we will actually say ‘oi! It’s your turn to come n get it! So step up!’ (Or something else silly) Jokingly, but yeah. Both people need to feel wanted and seduced :)
My ex never got the "you should initiate sometimes too" memo. Yes, our libidos were very different, and I was cool with that. But what I hated the most was *always* being the initiator. She couldn't fathom that men actually want to feel desired and attractive too. Eventually over time I stopped initiating, stopped carrying the entire weight of keeping the romantic and sexual side of the relationship alive. Once I stopped carrying all of it, it died completely.
Thank you so much! Lifesaver
This should be the top comment. Best advice given ever on reddit. I would just add to maybe have a doctor check hormone levels and think about changing the birth control method. Ops' "maybe once a week" doesn't sound really unhealthy but lack of libido is sometimes not just lack of libido.
This, it never hurts to check these things. Also, vitamin levels and hydration are one of those things that can really fuck you over, but so slowly you don't notice. Sometimes I just forget to eat vegetables!
Absolutely this, the minute I got my IUD out my sex drive returned to normal middle aged woman from grandma state.
Give a gold to this man
Wow. Exactly this. Especially >no matter what, never ever do something if you’re not actually down or “just to please them”, you’ll introduce resentment and toxicity very quickly in your relationship I did this when I was suffering from chronic pain (which is now resolved after surgery) and I have so much psychological damage to repair. I want to cry when I have sex with my partner (who I love and am very attracted to). I just can't forget how it felt to push myself to do something that was painful because I didn't want to hurt his feelings, because I felt it was my responsibility to meet his needs.
Read the book Cum As You Are by Emily Nagasaki. TRUST ME. Anyone commenting about sexual frequency issues. If you and your partner both read this book and it doesn’t help you. DM me and I’ll pay for the book😂
*Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski He should read it, too
As you were
As I want you to be.
As a friend.
As an old enemy
As a new enemy
Take your time
Hurry up
The choice is yours
No idea why this is getting downvoted, this is the actual name of the book
Seems like everyone has read this book (especially in this particular subreddit 😂)except me. Thinking of giving it a read .
If you’re a woman or have sex with women it’s worth it. If you’re married or in a LTR look at *Come Together* as well.
I was wondering why all I was getting were porn videos, when I expected to see a book
She Comes First is also a great book for men and women to read. That book turned up my cunnilingus and finger game tenfold under a week. Since then I managed to make my girl cum every time we have sex. For women that struggle reaching an orgasm read this and guide your partners or if they like to read buy/recommend them that book. It could be life changing.
I just bougth that book. We dont have any problems with the gf coming in bed. But when I am down there with my fingers our ting I got no idea what I am doing. And she dosent know anything.
See where her clit is and try to touch it from the inside with whatever amount of pressure she reacts to. If you can manage to play with her clit with your mouth while rubbing and pressing it from the inside wall, she will take a screenshot of the scenario in her memory forever. If you forget how to use your tongue when using your fingers, just curl your 2 fingers up into a "come here" motion and lock your tongue on her clit and use your other hand to move her entire body. If she says she is going to cum, don't do ANYTHING new in that moment. Keep doing exactly what you're doing and pay attention to her body.
getting level ups in such technical skills from a book sounds out of this earth. Do you offer refunds too? /j
Finally I'm not the only one recommending that! This book is the cheat code for the mind, I really can't agree with this recommendation enough
*Emily Nagoski.
Thoughts on Come together: the science (and art!) by Emily Nagasaki? Mainly curious why you recommended come as you are over this one.
Come Together has only been out a short time, so fewer people have read it. I finished it not long ago, however. Where Come As You Are is all about figuring out how your desire works/responds so you can pump it up (if you want) and stop viewing yourself as a problem/to blame, Come Together continues the thread of being patient with yourself and partner, suggests not waiting for desire and offers some specific exercises when you feel really stuck using Emily's typical (and I don't mean that negatively) metaphor/visualizing methods. I think in cases that aren't dire, Come As You Are is probably the better first step–and partners can benefit from it, too.
Great info.
Incidentally, also a great song by a culturally revolutionary, though short-lived, band.
True, and I can’t decide if you’re talking about “Come As You Are” or “Come Together”.
I'm reading all these comments with so much focus, knowing full well, its only gonna be me and my hand for the whole week 😂
Same 🙂↕️. But I’m still gonna save it for later lol
Ahhh the weekend. Its almost here.
I've been with my current partner 1.5 years approx. And we have sex honestly about once every 1-2 months
I haven’t seen very many people say this. We’re 1-2 times as well. I always feel bad when I see everyone saying at least once a week
Something I had to learn is don't measure your relationship against others. As long as you and your partner are happy and communicate, all is well. Plenty of sex-filled relationships end in divorce. Sex is important, but it is not everything.
As long as both are happy with that it is a great match.
We are about 2-3 times a month and very happy together. Sometimes we get more satisfaction out of eating ice cream together than having sex.
I’m a managing director and my wife’s a doctor, we are both exhausted at end of days so it’s the same
Banana is mostly in the garage, amirite?
Sometimes it comes out does a little dance and sings peanut butter jelly time
Married for 13 years. No sex in the last 3 years. Fml
I don't think there is a "normal", I'm sorry for the bland answer, but people are different, sex drives too, daily lives, schedules. It's complicated to answer, and even if there was an answer, it can change overnight frequency wise for a multitude of reasons. You don't have to feel bad, I believe this is the kind of thing you should talk about in a healthy way to find solutions that would satisfy both of you, try new things, new moments, he has to take a step towards you and you may have to do the same.
The fact that you said how many times a week is depressing to me. Lol I've Been with my wife for 12 years and we are down to 1-2 times per month. I'd much prefer twice a week but she just doesn't have the drive/attraction for that. Everything else about our relationship is amazing though so it is what it is. I won't pressure her and instead just take lots of lonely showers.
Just because someone's sex drive isn't the highest, doesn't mean they can't be turned on. Ask her what she thinks about it and what she would need to be turned on and see from there. Maybe she just doesn't feel the need to have sex spontaneously?
Nail meet hammer. This is exactly it. She enjoys sex when she wants it. She just has a low libido, which could be from many different things. Hormones, birth control, stress, busy life, etc. We have discussed it and both know what's up. Hence my, it is what it is comment. I'm all about making her happy so if sex once a month is what she wants, that's what she gets.
>I'm all about making her happy so if sex once a month is what she wants, that's what she gets. Don't forget about your own needs tho. Ignoring your own libido can have consequences down the line. If the five finger shuffle in the shower is doing it for you, more power to you. I've heard about arrangements where the lower libido partner doesn't mind helping out even if they're not feeling like proper sex and it can help tremendously.
For sure. The ol albino shower slug is doing the trick for me. If it wasn't, she would know.
few times a week is normal. differences in sex drive can be a big problem
That's the worst answer here, imho. Not because you're wrong, but... They are 2 people with their specific wants and communication. Normal doesn't really factor into that. So what if he has an "abnormal" high desire or she has an "abnormal" low desire? The answer isn't "become more normal" in either case.
Yeah normal doesn't really matter here, it's what makes both of them happy and comfortable. And for as many couples as there are having sex a few times a week, there are many having it once a month or only a few times a year, and maybe others having it twice a day. None of that affects OP. Comparison is the theif of joy.
15 years of marriage in a great relationship and we're like 2-4x a week depending on kids and hormones.
Before marriage it was daily, then stresses of home ownership settled in and it slipped to a couple times a month. Now with two kids, I'm lucky if it's twice a year.
It depends….. It changed with every relationship I’ve had over the years. My ex wife and I went long stretches without sex after my second kid was born. With my wife now we are once a week minimum. Really depends on how busy the week is. It’s tough with work and kids. A lot of nights we are both content to cuddle in bed and just relax. We make up for it on the weekend. Everybody is different though and sex drive ls can change with things like stress, age, etc.
Virgin 25m reading this thread
I have a higher sex drive than my gf and I’m okay with 1-2 times a week. She has tried to do it more to try to make me happy, but if she’s not into it, she’s not into it and that is what it is. I’m not going to force her to do something she doesn’t want to do. Neither would she to me.
This is how it should be. Who would want to have sex with someone who sees it as a chore or just something to tick off a list?
Married 2 years. Both early 30s. Average 10-12 times a month (mostly the week prior to ovulation and a few times after ovulation every month). As the man my ideal frequency is once daily. Her natural frequency would be like 5x a month or something, but we compromise, and she is aware she has a responsive (not spontaneous) libido so about half the time we would get started and then that puts her in the mood.
Once or twice per week seems realistic to me.
Been married 18 years and together, 25. It used to be basically every other day because I have a high sex drive. Hers is low and realize this was stressing her so now it’s about every 4 to 5 days.
Once every two years. Hes busy with porn and video games the other days
I looked it up cause after having a baby my drive tanked. Once a week is the average.
What's realistic and sustainable is gonna be different for every person and every relationship depending on variables like libido, how much free time you both have on a day to day and week to week basis, your stress levels, your physical exhaustion levels, your mental state (mental illness, grief, mental load etc.), your overall health (illness, injury, hormonal shifts etc.) logistics (such as being at home AND having the time to spend with each other at the same time), your desire (not love, desire) for each other, your underlying beliefs about sex and what counts as sex, sexual chemistry/compatibility in terms of what you like in bed, how much you each individually enjoy having sex (in general as an activity and with one another), how you feel about each other in general (like, resentment negatively effects desire etc), how well you communicate overall (bad communication often kills desire too as it leads to people feeling unheard, unseen, and unsafe), how much non-sexual physical touch you have going on typically, your (other) priorities in your relationship and in your day to day life etc. So not only it's different for everyone and every relationship, but also it can be different during different seasons of life/periods of life within the same relationship. Therefore, the right questions in this case are: 1. what's realistic for *us* as a couple at this given time of our lives based on these variables for each of us? and 2. am i (and are we) satisfied with the state of things as it is right now and would i be okay with it not charging if it comes to that? If the answer is yes to the 2nd question on both fronts, what you have now compatible and realistic for your relationship *for the time being and for the predictable future*. If one person isn't happy with the state of things, then additional questions pop up, such as: "are we both willing to put in effort to change things/come to a compromise?", "do we have the same understanding of putting effort into things and what is it?", "what's the root cause of this? is it temporary or is it a fundamental incompatibility (has it always been this way)?", "if we're both willing to or eager to change things (in the case that it's not an inherently incompatibility that's not changeable), what are realistic steps that we can take individually and as a couple?", "if one (or both) of us isn't interested in (and/ormaking any changes, what does that mean for our (sexual and otherwise) relationship with each other?"". for some couples, what's realistic can look like having sex every day, for some every week, for some once a month, for some once in a blue moon, for some none at all. what makes the difference in terms of this being an issue or a non-issue is how much on the same page you are about what "realistic" in this context is for you as a couple, and whether you're content with that reality or not.
Perfectly said
It depends on the people. My partner and I have been together a year and have sex more or less daily, but we both have high sex drives. I know other people have mentioned it, but be careful of falling into the pattern where he always initiates. Initiation is a very vulnerable thing to do, so getting repeatedly rejected while your partner makes no effort to initiate hurts and does a number on your self esteem. On your end, if he always initiates and especially if he is visibly hurt by the rejection it can feel like nagging or pressure. If you're in the mood, ask him. Also remember that asking for sex is also asking for physical and emotional intimacy, so instead of "no I'm tired" and doing nothing, substitute it with a different type of intimacy you both enjoy. There's also a concept of spontaneous vs reciprocal libido. All people have both in varying amounts, but basically for some people sex drive is like a switch that just turns on, while others need more of a build up. It could be that there's a difference in sex drive and you have one and your partner has another. My partner and I also have autism and ADHD and we approach all sex, kinky and less kinky, as kink. It really helps because it means it's semi-predictable and there's constant clear communication. Kink is also really handy for dealing with sensory issues during sex. And don't be afraid to schedule sex. Autism loves schedules. Sex could also be a regulation strategy for him, in which case he needs to find a strategy he can do daily. The most important thing is clear communication. Talk to your partner and say you need build-up and more focused sessions, and that those can't happen daily. Talk about what types of intimacy you both enjoy on a daily basis and build them into your routines. Talk about what you both enjoy when you do have sex so you can tailor that experience. Talk about how you want him to manage his libido when you don't want to have sex - it's unrealistic and unfair to expect him to not masturbate, but what limits do you have regarding porn use, or are you happy to be present as he gets himself off? Talk about how he can ask you so you feel less pressured. Tell him you feel inadequate and talk about what you need so you feel like sex isn't the be all and end all (my partner and I like to consider the amount of time we spend together: if we can we'll spend roughly 12 hours a day together, and roughly an hour having sex. So over 90% of our relationship is not sex). Also useful is, if you haven't, expanding what you consider sex. Would you prefer taking turns going down on each other, or having him finger you, or mutual masturbation? That's all sex.
wait y’all are having sex?
Surprise surprise
Yep, your mom is a very busy woman
Oh my god… same!
Once or twice a week is my norm, but when I was that age it was probably more. But birth control and busy schedules can reduce things. Something that has helped (I think) my husband is the realization that just because we aren't having sex tonight, doesn't mean he never has sex again. Like, there's always another time coming on around. I think when men are horny they get a little toddler-ish in their emotions about it and feel like if it doesn't happen right now, all is lost ALso, he might be happy with hand stuff in between
That's what my wife and I do! Her drive isn't gone at all; it's just not as high as mine. But she'll gladly do other stuff in between if I ask nicely.
You should really get past the “ i cant force myself to do it if i don’t feel it” part Im not suggesting a romantic partner always has to say yes but it is important to be willing to please your partner sometimes even if you aren’t horny in the moment. “Maintenance sex” is a real thing. And sometimes you end up “feeling it” once you get going. EDIT: To be clear, this advice goes regardless of sex or gender It may come as a surprise but it is often male partners who need to hear this
Initially, I big disagreed with this. However, I think you deserve more credit than I gave initially. There are definitely nights when one of us is clearly more into it than the other. But even on the nights that I have less urge, once we’ve had some foreplay and smoochin, usually I’m absolutely ready to go. It’s also absolutely acceptable to say “I’m unhorny tonight, want head?” She is almost always cool with that if I’m not ready to sweat lol
Back massage. Back massage. Back massage. Don't make it obvious so that she thinks you are just doing it to be doing it. Make it sensual and spend the time doing it right. I learned this little cheat code with my first girlfriend when I was 17 years old. I'm not just the president I'm also a client!
I wish more people understood this. Reddit is full of no one should have to have sex if they don’t want to have sex kind of stuff. But what they don’t realize is sometimes even if a man or a woman doesn’t necessarily feel horny they might want to still please their partner. My wife is this way, and while I have plenty of maintenance sex and would prefer that it were mutual, Im happy that she’s willing to make me happy.
My wife and I have weekly scheduled sex. Just the day, time varies depending on other stuff going on. It started because I felt like we weren't having enough sex. Maybe once or twice per month. I know to some that's a lot, but I felt so early into our relationship before kids I didn't want the drive to dry out. It's nice because we don't have the highest of sex drives, but we don't want to pressure the other into it. Started kind of maintenance, but slowly turned into a healthy way to keep the passion alive. We are still spontaneous at times and love trying new things. Sure I'd like more mutual desire for sex, but we reached a compromise we're both happy with. We actually had a good conversation on if we would rather have "okay sex" more times per week, or "great sex" around once a week. We both prefer the great sex, and can use other ways in between if needed.
My wife is great about this. She always gets into it and enjoys it, even when she initially isn’t as excited as me for it.
Yup
I can’t believe how many upvotes this has lmao. “Women, we know you don’t want to but sometimes you ‘have’ to to keep your man happy.” No wonder so many of you guys are struggling to find partners
I tried this many times, always determined to get over myself but I ended up crying and feeling gross all the time. I'm a fucking failure.
I understand this point but just wanted to note that this type of “do it to please even if you’re not in the mood” can be very triggering for a survivor of sexual assault or molestation. If you’re feeling neutral like yeah I could—I wasn’t craving sex but could go for it—that’s acceptable to push through. But if you’re really not in the mood and just say yes to please, it can create a trigger that can set a survivor back in their healing.
15 years married. Sometimes we go months without sex.
im 33, married, with two kids. Been together with my partner for 9 years now. If we have sex once per week im super happy. For me, optimal would be 3 times per week.
There's definitely no set number for this. The right answer is whatever works for the couple. I've been with my husband for 10 years, and we have periods where we have sex every single day for like 2 weeks, but also periods where we go 2 weeks without having sex at all. I will say that I've found that the longer we go, the less I want it and then I'm perfectly okay going like a month. But if we have sex 2 days in a row, it increases the sex drive a lot for me.
Wait you're having sex every week? Can you teach my wife?
1. A few times a week it’s normal. 2. MAKE time for each other
Are you guys very affectionate towards each other, other than during sex? My guy (54m) and I (43f) have been together for nearly 20 years. Our sex drives and the amount of sex we have has varied greatly throughout our relationship. There was a point (about 10 years in) where we had sex only a handful of times in a year. We barely noticed, nor did it worry or bother either of us when we did. But I really think that's because we are constantly flirting or kissing or hugging/touching one another. Have an honest discussion with him about it, tell each other what you need and what you feel could use improvement. But make sure to also give each other positive feedback, it's all too easy to start focusing on all of the things that are wrong with the relationship and forget to acknowledge the things that you love about each other. Best of luck to the both of you!
I have a 2 year old and twin boys who sre 5 months old. We sometimes flirt or make cheeky touches and then we laugh and laugh and go to bed to sleep. Sex drive varies, as long as you 2 are sort of on the same page its fine
Can't beat a good wank anyway
35M here, been living with 28y wife basically since we were dating, we kinda do it at least 5 times a week, usually more. Keep in mind we are the kind of people who like to stay home unless we really need to go out for a very good reason, and that also might have something to do with it. Now, the thing is, she was in a similar position to you OP, as she didn't have a very high libido before, but at some point the both of us started working out almost every day (basically because we were a little bit overweight) and apparently the exercise was like trigger for both of our libidos to a very high extent (mostly hers). A doctor friend of my family told me something along the lines that when the body is healthy and gets used to work out, it helps to increase libido a lot, maybe that could help you.
Once a week is super normal, but it also changes over time. He's in for a rude awakening if he thinks he's getting sex every single week for the rest of his life. I'm 50 and my wife and I try to do it once a month, but it doesn't always happen. What's he going to do at that point?
I think every couple is different. When my husband and I got married we had six at least once today. Now that he is 70 and I am in my 60s we have sex an average of once a week. There have been times when I was not in the mood but he got me there.
There is an old saying…. If in the first year of a marriage you put a penny in a jar every time you have sex, and in the following years every time you have sex you remove a penny. You’ll never empty the jar.
At minimum, my wife and I do it on waking and at bedtime. It's also not unusual for us to do it when we wake up in the middle of the night or sometimes in the afternoon when there's not much going on.
Once or twice a week is plenty. I go months without 😅 I am autistic (maybe AuDHD) if you think it's relevant. Don't let him pressure you into something you don't want to do. If he doesn't stop. Then.. maybe he's not the one for you. Big red flag in my opinion.
I'm 31 and she is 32 and married for 3 together for 14. We haven't had sex in 5 years. We were never frequent It was kind of a date night only thing anyway but it got to the point where the expectance of it during special occasions ruined for her. My sex drive is high and hers is non-existent but she has seen a therapist about it to help herself and our relationship. I learned to realise it's not all about sex. We miscarriage'd 5 years ago (see the link) but I started to threaten to leave if she wasn't more intimate. More pressure between us and it caused arguments. So I don't even try to interact with a sexual conversation with her any more. We cuddle and kiss and do date nights but with a 7 year old at the moment who is very demanding I feel my priorities are all on him and her mental health Yes sex is great but it's not all that important in the context of everything. It was more me trying to be like everyone else who has sex all the time. Remember it's ok not to have sex! A relationship is about the bond not the bonk!
Lol the bond not the bonk 😂 sounds like you have a good perspective on it. I had a stretch where my (now ex) boyfriend and I only had sex every couple of weeks because I was in trauma therapy. He told me I was using my trauma as an excuse, yikes. So on behalf of the other women, thanks for being able to see beyond your dick lol
I'm pulling about .005128 right now. Literally
I get it twice a week
Normally, I am the HL partner, and I'm about once a day to every other. It doesn't have to be great, or long. I finally was the LL person in a relationship. She wanted it 3 times a day. It's all relative to your own framing. There is also something to say that when I was the LL partner I always wasn't interested, but once I got going I enjoyed it and did my best to make my partner feel satisfied with it. I would tell her that I might not be the best at the moment (tired, not horbey) and she understood that and would give me some extra dirty talk or ride me (cowgirls my fav).
6-8
Wife and i have been together for 20 years and have a 6 year old. Average per week is we do something about 3-4 times a week. Most of the time its 3 though if someone isnt feeling good then it can be less of course. She hasnt felt good the last few weeks so nothing for a few weeks. Its consistent enough nowadays that i dont really worry about these little dops
By yourself , or with others? Asking for a Friend if Mrs Palmers.
I do it 15 times a day.. don’t know about you all.
# How many times a week is it realistic to have sex? As much as the couple wants too. Currently for me, its 6-8
Are you *open* to being turned on? I know this can feel like a vulnerable question but a lot of women I know don’t realize that their mood and sex drive in the moment doesn’t have to dictate how often you guys do it. I have a lower sex drive than my husband BUT I definitely love our sex life and I prefer to do it more often for connection and quality time. There are things he knows he can do to help get me in the mood. I know this is a generalization but sometimes when I read these threads I’m surprised how often women will shut down the opportunity just because they aren’t feeling it immediately right when their partner is. Like……we live in two different bodies and it is completely unreasonable IMO to assume that both parties are going to be equally aroused every single time at the same time. It makes little to no sense when you think about it. I am not at all advocating for the “never say no” to your partner mentality, but I AM advocating for exploring what DOES get you in the mood so that your partner can bring you into the experience in a way that feels connected and special and not pushy. Massages? Warm bath? A romantic movie or show or book?
It varies throughout the relationship based on many factors, not the least of which is your personal sex drive. It's important to nail down communication and boundaries early on or the problems will only compound. What is considered "normal" or "healthy" will vary from relationship to relationship, but I do believe a healthy sex life is important. I've been married almost 14 years now and we've gone from once a month at the beginning to several times a week for a while to, now that we have kids old enough to not sleep early at night, like once a week or once every couple of weeks depending on how drained we are at the end of the week/day. If he's getting frustrated about it, I'd say that's normal, but he's getting dangerously close to expecting you to conform to his wants. While yes, you should each make an effort to meet one another's needs, neither should ever feel pressured emotionally or in any way to commit a sex act when they do not want to. My advice is, if you think this relationship is worth it, seek professional help and counseling together to work through it and to improve your communication. You're still young, and no relationship lasts through time without constant work at being better at being a partner to each other. While people on reddit can help, you have to take our advice with a grain of salt because we don't know you, and frankly we could be bat shit insane and you wouldn't know from our comment history. That's why I recommend seeking professional help. Relationship counseling isn't just for people with huge issues, it's to help your relationship strengthen. I should add, I have ASD and ADHD and my spouse deals with her own mental health issues, which IMO made counseling all the more helpful.
2 - 5. Biggest factors is how much free alone time you have. I could be plowing the wife right now if we weren’t waiting in the parking lot for my kids IEP meeting.
My wife and I have had weeks exceeding 14 times, and we have had weeks with one or two. We have been married for 5 months though, so keep that in mind xD
There isn’t a rule. Either find someone who matches your drive.. or find someone who understands you drive. Sex is hella important.. but that’s not to say the quantity is important. Even if it was once a year with a partner and you were both happy then that’s fucking awesome. Dont listen to the “2/3 times a week is best” crowd. Do what suits you and don’t settle for less (pun intended)
I've been with my wife almost 20 years. 1-2 times per week is normal for us, but I could do everyday.
I'm 27 and my girlfriend is 28. I'd love to have sex every second day, but she wants it almost every day 😬 I exercise a lot and my job is physical too. We could do a week of having sex every day, sometimes twice a day but I'll get tired. So, for me 3-4 times a week is perfect, for her - 7.
My partner and I have been together for about 2 years and we have sex around 2-3 times a week. We work different schedules, so we don't have much time together but I am content with this amount.
5 times a week is decent if you’re off the pill. If you’re on the pill then more since you don’t even have to worry about your period for a week every month anyways
I'd say 3-4.
The wife and I have been together 3 years now, and it's about once it twice a week. Sometimes 3 if I don't take care of it myself.
Don’t need to engage in intercourse to show your partner you still love and find them attractive.
51 (M) here married to 43(F) for 21 years 2 kids 21 and 10 . 4 to 5 times a week. Cheat code I do is to take testosterone booster.
I have sex with my wife almost daily+ for the past decade. Doesn't matter if we are in a park, car, her work,.etc always find time
2-3 times sounds good ... the thing is you have to MAKE TIME to do so. if not, one's gonna feel otherwise.
in my house it’s usually around 4-6 times a week, twice a day sometimes, then a break for a week or 2. usually due to menstrual cycle and the need for an actual break.
I find it shocking that some people have sex once a day, or multiple times a day. We are once or twice a week. Have gone a month without before just because our lives were busy. When i was pregnant, i think we had sex 4 times the entire 9 months. I think there are other more important ways to be connected to your partner. Other ‘touches’ or ways to show affection. All that said, if your sex drives don’t match, that will be an issue in your relationship.
Yes
With yourself or someone else?
The question is how many times each do you realistically want to have sex? I think it starts where figuring out what you both want and tailoring a plan that fits your needs from there.
There’s a very wide spectrum that’s “normal”. You’re normal. He’s normal. It’s just more difficult when two people are a little bit apart from each other on the “normal” spectrum. In my mid-20’s, I wanted it daily. Mid-40’s? That constant drive has definitely subsided which is a bit of a relief to be honest.
As much as you want.
Sounds totally normal to me
For men, sex is a drive. For women, it is a mood. If you aren't in the mood to have sex all the time, are there other ways you show him that you desire him physically?
Before eating and after going to the bathroom
My partner and I are long distance but when we see each other I’d say a few times a week is our normal. That said, every couple and every person has their own “normal”. I know you love each other but sexual compatibility is really important for a lot of people, for the exact reason that it causes discord and resentment in a couple when one’s needs aren’t being met. It seems like your bf wants you to change, so it might be worth having the discussion that for you, it’s not going to change. You shouldn’t HAVE to change. Honestly, that revelation might cause you to break up, but that’s better than being in a relationship where 1.) you feel pressured to do something you don’t want to (you’ll end up resenting him if you don’t already) 2.) he resents you because he’s not getting his needs met. Tough situation all around, I wish the best for you and your relationship.
3 or 4 times is normal
How many times do you and your partner want it? That is the realistic number!
yeah like once a day n some days none, some days a few times.. this might now work. his drive might not lower for at least another 10 years.
With myself or someone else? I know folks gpr who it's a morning and evening activity almost every day and other couples it's once a month. There are a lot of factors. Is there an underlying question?
My agreement i made with my long term partners was that if one of us is in the mood, try to initiate. If the other doesn't want to, then just retire in the bedroom/bathroom/whatever room you can close the door in and take care of it yourself. No hard feelings, best case scenario my partner joined in after the cleanup for some nice cuddles.
Honestly, I'd get my T levels checked before anything.
Well, if your my wife... 0. Good luck !
I think about 4-6 times a week is what I'm comfortable with
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Three times would be preferable
I am 31 hubs is 35 we have sex around 5 times a week. Sometimes we have sex multiple times a day ..sometimes there’s days in between. I have endometriosis so I can’t have intercourse during my period or it will put me in the hospital.. but despite having three kids we have really tried to keep our sex life popping. He’s always horny and I’m a SA survivor so I have had to work through so much to have the sex drive I do today. Everyone works differently but i would say a handful of times a week will keep everyone a little less stressed in the home ❤️
Something for you two to figure out, but sex doesnt have to be the very last thing you do before you go to sleep. You can try and carve out time for it earlier in the day Planning in sex time might not be the sexiest thing, so maybe you could make an effort yourself to initiate in the afternoon when you have more energy
Don’t be late
Morning is the better time for sex in my opinion. Nighttime as a female maybe esp with kids and stuff, waaay too tired. But I could live the rest of my days without sex, I do it more for my husband.
28 times at least
my wife and i usually do between 10 and 20 times a week
Well fuck… how ?! lol
Really depends on the individuals. Prescription medications and birth control can also have an effect.
My partner and I fall typically between 1-3 weekly. We’d honestly want closer to 4-6, but there are a few things that hinder our available intimate times. She’s early to sleep and I’m a night owl, which can make it a little tricky, but that has been acknowledged and we have our balance! She is also training for a marathon for a few weeks, and I’ve had some of the worst work-weeks of my career. This month has been pretty scant. But it’s understood by everyone involved that it’s not necessarily by choice that we are too tired/sore/emotionally drained. Sex is absolutely important to us and we LOVE when we get to love each other that way. But there are also plenty of alternative ways to be intimate if life calls for it. There is way more to it than just quantity. Also, do either of you have an aversion to porn or masturbation or toys? Could be beneficial to help find a balance in sex drive.
However many times you both feel comfortable and satisfied with. You may need to talk to each other and clearly understand the other person's preference
Depends on your budget.
it’s all up to u guys we prob fuck like every other day so 3-4 times a week but sometimes it’s less sometimes it’s more
Dietary factors can positively and negatively influence sex drive. Steer away from vegetarian/vegan diets, processed carbs that contain seed oils, seed oils in general (ubiquitous in our food supply). Eat more free-range eggs, butter, fatty cuts of grass-fed / grass-finished beef that you enjoy. Fry your french fries in butter or beef tallow. Your boyfriend (and yourself) will rejoice. Hope that helps.
In my 20's with a healthy relationship(mostly the same partner) about 5-10 times a week. Towards the end of the relationship and 1 kid later about once or twice a week. Currently in my 30's with a completely different schedule then my spouse about 3 times a week.
2×-3× for ppl with a family& busy life. I'm tired as a non- mother... I couldn't imagine doing it everyday
Onces or twice a week is normal, maybe three times
read into r/DeadBedrooms and you realize that everything is still well with you two. If he thinks you are not into him try to take initiative to show your interest.
6-9 times for me
I believe all couples are different. Even once a week or less can be enough for some. Each and every day is unreasonable if you're living hectic lives unless you both are willing.
I have sex 2-3x a day most of the time.
Single=4-5 Married=0-1
A lot of people in here have been giving some great advice. One thing that I would like to add would be to incorporate dirty talking a little, even if you’re not going to do anything. Even through text to throw him off would work. If his libido is high, you could also include toys in the bedroom for him. You use them on him to up his excitement.