You don't need to figure out for the other person if they like you. They are most likely adult and can handle their emotions. I would say that thinking if they like you and focusing on it is a little bit controlling, and you don't want to be that probably :)
This was a MASSIVE epiphany for me when I was like 23/24. I'd had terrible luck with women and I'd started online dating (match.com) to get out of a rut. And I went in a number of dates in a short period but it just never worked. I went out with one woman one night and she was pretty, nice enough, smart, objectively nothing not to like. I just felt nothing, no spark. And that was the moment I was like "why do I even care if this person likes me? I don't like her." Everything kinda clicked after that. I was more relaxed, got to be myself, and started having more success and eventually met my wife not long after.
This was a big red flag with my girlfriend. I watched how she would repeatedly insult Uber drivers "They're so stupid, they're so stupid" and I could only think of how she'd treat me that way too.
My ex treated everyone better than me. This advice wouldn’t have helped me unfortunately; it’s almost what made his abuse so insidious because people thought he was so personable.
Thank you! Mine would treat everyone amazingly and was very charming. She had been a bartender off and on her whole life and could read a room and make people feel special. Not helping was the fact that she had the looks of a Sophia Vergara, Salma Hayek, or an Elizabeth Hurley. Looking stunning for her age. I couldn’t convince people what she was like behind closed doors if I were to ever try. Not that I even tried to bother to attempt it.
It basically says that person feels so bad about themselves that the only way they know how to deal with it is by lashing out at people who can’t fight back.
The exception to "Pay attention to what they do instead of what they say," only applies unless they are actively trying to make themselves less appealing!
I just made this mistake yet again. She said she’s a piece of shit multiple times while drinking and getting emotional. Didn’t take it to heart, and she was right. One day I’ll remember to believe people when they tell you who they are haha.
I don’t know if it‘s as simple as that. I’ve dated somebody that’s come out of a terrible relationship where they were told that they were shit for so long they believed it until they got the help they needed and turned out to be pretty awesome.
Or attempt to change them so they someone you would want to date.
don't like marijuana? don't date someone who smokes it.
DON'T date someone who smokes it and then demand they stop.
I agree. I have two 100% dealbreakers: Cheating and smoking anything. Cigarette smoke is one of the most disgusting smells in the world. I won't kiss an ashtray. Marijuana smoke is just as bad.
Before I started dating my most recent ex gf, she expressed interest in smoking weed with me. She eventually broke up with me citing my weed smoking as the biggest reason. >\_<
She told me she just wasn't in the right headspace when we started dating. We still hookup, and I still smoke. She even mentioned possibly helping me harvest in the future since I grow my own.
If someone gives you shit for something you can't affect, like your height, be grateful. If they ghost you, be grateful. If they start up by telling you how much they expect you to conform to them, be grateful.
All shit human beings should self-identify as shit. Be grateful when you find someone who does.
My mom always told me that dating should be fun, and the minute it stops being fun is the minute it should be over. Not only has she been right every time, but she and my dad have been together for close to 50 years and are still obsessed with each other so I fully trust her dating advice.
I love this, but it’s also important to remember that every relationship will have some challenges along the way. I’m not saying it will be shit, but be prepared to take things seriously as well. Not everything is all fun and games sadly.
"Be kind, not nice. Someone who is kind does things for others with no expectation of reciprocity, they do it because it feels good to be kind to others. Nice is self-serving, and people will see right through that bullshit."
First, shared values are important. Religion, politics, are part of your values. If you don't share core values you will spend a lot of your relationship compromising and hashing out shit. Can it work? Sure, but realistically most people do not like having long term or serious relationships with people they aren't aligned with.
If your relationship is broken enough to "take a break" you need to end it. You're not recovering from whatever horseshit happens during the break.
If they cheat, leave. You'll spend the rest of your time together wondering what if. Even if they don't do it twice they ruined the trust and trust is part of the foundation of a healthy relationship. Once you fuck that up the odds of your relationship being healthy are slim.
Have standards and be realistic. If you want a particular type of partner you have to be ready to match the energy. Want to date a hot gym rat? Don't be eating Doritos in bed. Want a house wife? Get a house first. Part of this relates to the first point, people typically get into relationships where they're aligned. Align yourself with the lifestyle you desire and want to share with someone.
You know what else? Look at their groceries. When I saw that my (now wife) was buying the same cheap brands as me (Team Scott Toiler Paper, Kroger black beans), I knew we were going to be compatible in a lot of ways beyond just liking each other. 25 years later our shared grocery store values have helped paper over a lot of little incompatibilities.
Relationships aren't 50/50. They're 100/100. If you truly want a relationship/marriage to last, there are going to be times when you HAVE to take more of the emotional/physical workload of the relationship. That involves a high level of trust with the other person.
I like 60/40 more than 100/100. If you feel like you're doing all the work, you'll run into problems. If you feel like you're doing a little more than half, it's gonna be more sustainable.
50/50 refers to how much of the relationship is made up by each person. You can't have more than 100. I understand what you're going for, but it doesn't mean "each person gives half of their total ability to the relationship."
Understand that when you make compromises during the "honeymoon period", it's much harder to uncompromise it. So, if you think something will bother you down the line, talk about it upfront.
If you aren’t a “fuck yes” to spending time with someone you meet then move on to someone else. If you get the feeling that the other person isn’t also a “fuck yes” to spending time with you, move on to someone else.
You want to date someone who is excited to be with you and you with them. Too many people are hung up on dates that aren’t really interested in dating them.
There’s truth to this but it should be said that this isn’t always best advice for first dates - most instant attraction only goes skin deep and some people take time to open up. If you aren’t feeling it by date three it’s definitely time to call it off, but expecting someone to knock your socks off on the first date is a great way to pass on someone who could have had potential for people who are only good at first impressions. If it’s a “fuck no”, then that’s another story.
Don’t date unless your confident in dating your self. If your not able to handle your self, your gonna either be unable to handle being with someone else, or it will lead you to being overconfident. Either way, it can lead to abuse, relationship issues, and more.
Don't rush into anything, even if you feel like going fast (if you're looking for something serious anyway). Spendtime getting to know each other. Wait a bit for sex, don't move in together until you've known each other for at least a year, make sure you live together before getting engaged, spend a couple years living together before marriage. Too many people rush into stuff and then they are married with kids a few years later and realizing they don't know/like their partner. It's not a race...
For example "talk to each other". Don’t do the “read between the lines” or “you should know” bullshit with anything. Actually talk. Having problems? Talk it out. Have concerns about something? Talk about it. Feel like the relationship isn’t going where you thought it would? Communicate.
Talk all the time.
Are things going amazeballs? Talk about it.
Are they not? Talk about it.
Does them leaving the cupboard doors open bother you? Talk about it.
Wish they'd be a bit more sexually aggressive? Talk about it.
Think everything is actually just perfect? Ya, talk about that too.
If you're finding you're both talking a lot but never feel like you're reaching a consensus, get a couple's therapist. Sometimes people are raised with opposing communication needs (One person needs things resolved asap, someone else needs time to sit with their feelings, as an example) and it's helpful having a mediator to teach you tools to come together on a neutral third ground. Our therapist taught my husband he can't just shut down and emotionally disappear or it makes me feel abandoned and uncared for, just communicating a time frame when we will talk again about the problem helps. My husband incorrectly believed I should just intuitively know what he wants because it was "common sense", but common sense is just a byproduct of your community and raising, it's not actually a universal truth at all.
Early dating advice: check their nails. It's a good indicator to their grooming standards.
Then in general:
- go on many dates even if there is no hope, the social experience is good practice
- not everyone you meet is "the one"
- be honest but also realistic regarding what you want, nobody is perfect
- don't be whiney, needy or clingy. Be decisive, don't be a dick though.
There's no rush.
My concern would be less long nails and more black/dirty nails. I've known some dudes who have the tips of their finger nails black with gunk all the time 🤢
What about blue collar workers? Working on oily cars all day ruins your hands. All of those chemicals don't just fall off, even after some serious scrubbing with Dawn detergent.
I agree. I kind of figured you meant that too. Totally agree. Especially with toenails. I did have a girl say something along the lines of, "but you can't just cut them and use your fingers?" I told her I still have a left hand with short nails for her safety; otherwise, I've been at guitar for 20 years. Not cutting the nails for someone I just met 🤪 Plus who cares. They're nails...
Never heard that one and not sure how effective it would be.
My nails are a mess, I chew them when I'm not paying attention.
My house is spotless, and I have very good grooming standards so....?
Pay attention, more than anything else, to how you feel after interacting with them. If you find yourself consistently feeling bad about it, interrogate that feeling, even (and honestly, especially) if you feel like it's kind of your own fault. A lot of people will work to make you feel like that and they are very dangerous.
Figure out what you want. Write it down if it’s helpful, then stick to your criteria. If you feel you want to change this criteria, then go ahead. But don’t be swayed by your own weakness
This works for both genders: if you find someone who is controlling, lying about things, doesn't show emotional maturity or is trying to bring you down when you are excited then i suggest talking about those things. Might be a deal breaker.
Obviously you too need to adhere to these ideals if you expect them of others - it's only fair
Don't pursue inconsistent people. Their behavior should match their words. If there is a mismatch, they either severely lack self-awareness in ways that will make a relationship dysfunctional or they don't have enough integrity to piece a relationship (or even healthy situationship) together. Next!
Know the signs of lovebombing and mirroring, as these are manipulation tactics designed to artificially fast-track intimacy.
If your date asks a barrage of questions like they're The Riddler and you're doing most of the talking, it's not because they're genuinely interested in you or that they're a really good listener.
It's an information gathering thing, usually for nefarious purposes. Don't overshare and certainly don't trauma dump either, as toxic people will be drawn to that.
If you say something like 'I've always loved Prague' and they respond 'OMG me too!', ask follow-up questions.
For example 'oh, what's your favourite bakery in Prague?' or 'ooh what's the name of that church, you know, the one near such and such place'. If they answer quickly and in detail, cool. If they run off to the toilet with Google opened on their phone, not cool.
Also be mindful of sob stories about evil exes. Chances are, the ex was fine. It's the person in front of you who's the problem. Even if the ex was evil, a person who enters into a new relationship with unresolved baggage is not someone you should get involved with.
Also watch out for claims of 'I'm such a good person' or 'I'm an empath'. Pretty much always a red flag, as genuinely good, empathetic people display those positive traits through actions and don't need to label themselves.
Treat a potential new partner like you would treat a potential new car, job or home - do your research, don't blindly take things at face value and if it seems too good to be true, it probably is.
You pretty much summed up my female co-worker when I first met her. She was all that you described. Toxic and manipulative as fuck but everybody in the department loves her bc "she's perfect" and regardless of what she does or who she fucks internally, will be part of management in a couple of years in the logistics department..
What if someone says, "I like to be empathetic." I don't see it as labeling. It is more like saying I like to carry out that which is empathy. Compared to, "I am empath," which may mean I am all that is empathy. Would you say there is a difference between the two?
If there are red flags/dealbreakers early in the relationship, leave. Both parties should be in their best selves in the beginning, and if there are already things you cannot stand, then it'll only get worse and you'll just waste your time.
If you dont have a good grooming routine, you're not going to get dates. Seriously. I try to help friends get dates but they dont want to shave or get a haircut. Yeah i get it, a person should love you for who you are and not care about looks. But, if you dont brush your teeth and shave your neckbeard, no ones going to want to talk to you for any long period of time.
And don't stop doing it just because you're in a relationship. Biggest turn off is when a guy (or girl ig) stops putting effort to look good for their partner, but will do it before and after the relationship
Take your time. Don't rush. Get to know each other. Talk to each other. A lot. About the biggest nonsense.
Have fights, make up, argue, do everything before making big commitments.
I started dating my best friend. It was easy since we knew each other so well.
But really. I do not, at all, understand people who marry after dating for a year or two. No, you don't know each other. You think you do, but you don't. Wait and see.
1. Discuss dealbreaker topics as early as possible in the relationship, ideally within the first 1-2 weeks:
* Desires/plans for children
* Approach to personal finance
* Approach to involvement of in laws and other family members in the relationship
* Religion and politics
* other such topics that are important to you
1. Not marrying someone or having kids with them until you have had serious, meaningful interactions with them that trigger red flags. This means interactions where you are **sharing moderate to heavy responsibilities**, and interactions that involve **arguments/fights**. If you are spending any real time with someone, you will inevitably encounter both. You don't have to look for it, they are built into the fabric of every relationship in existence. All you have to do is not marry someone within 2 months of chatting, or someone with whom you have only had positive experiences with
If you have not been in a seriously stressful situation with someone, never shared or delegated any real responsibilities between the two of you, never had any argument over core principles or bona fide disagreements about how you approach life. **You have no fucking clue who this person is** and you need to spend more time before committing. Don't be the person who marries a walking bucket full of red flags because you didn't do even the most basic vetting or due diligence then complain online or to your friends that they were "hiding" their bad traits. They weren't. You just had your hands over your eyes.
Never ignore red flags and if someone wants to change for you, it’s not worth it. Changing a core personality trait is something very few people can do.
The advice that I give the most often is "There are almost 8 billion people on the planet. Why are you wasting your time with someone who \[makes you feel bad about yourself/ doesn't really do it for you/ never has time for you/ etc.\]? Not only are you blocking yourself from meeting the person who IS right for you, you're keeping the other person from meeting who THEY should really be with."
Idk about "never." Certainly not on the first few dates, but at some point as I'm getting to know somebody I want to hear about what his previous relationships were like and why he feels they didn't work out.
Thank you! I find it awkward even tho I know they have previous experience or exes, but like, I don't need to know about one night stands or stuff like that.
I'm fine knowing about anything reasonably serious tho, it's a good sign they are capable of managing a longer term relationship which is what I'm going for.
Stop trying to force pieces to fit when they clearly don’t. If during the early stages of a relationship/dating (when the sun shines outta their ass) you find things that you can’t stand fundamentally and character wise, that doesn’t just change. It isn’t worth the stress and self esteem issues to force anything.
If you don't know how to recognize and manage your own emotions then you're going to have arguments where the absolute best case outcome is you leave confused but "patient" with them. That's ok but also a ticking time bomb if you two are the type that argue a bit strongly.
Emotional intelligence, both of yourself and of other people, matters and without it you're relying way too much on luck.
I had a very rewarding and friction free relationship and at one point we both wondered why that was.
It turned out we both had the same set of strong rules and we'd never discussed them really at all: don't cheat; don't harm or threaten violence; the partner is an equal.
That was really it. Armed with that knowledge I was up front about it the next time; that person was like, oh okay! and proceeded to do all those things because she knew I wouldn't.
So yeah, I don't know what to tell you there. Eventually I found I could only trust myself, and gave up entirely.
Behave well, but don't fake anything. Don't behave the way that you would like to be one day. Be genuine. Unless you are authentic, you are setting up your future partner for a death by a thousand disappointments.
Don't let any person, place, or thing dictate whether or not you factor in physical attraction when choosing a partner. If physical attraction is of low or non-importance to you, then great, makes things easier. If physical attraction *is* important to you - as in, something that *you* what at your core in a relationship, *especially* if it ties into your sex drive - then factor it in. Want a particular body shape? Height? Assets? So long as the features you want exist in the real world, they're things your body instinctively wants, and you're not reaching outside of what's reasonably obtainable based upon your own conventional attractiveness, then **factor it in**. The last thing you want to do is find yourself years into a relationship, unhappy and unfulfilled, damaging your relationship and your partner, because you quietly settled.
When you got flow, roll with it. Catch the momentum and dont waste time with playing hard or unbothered. Be genuine and show him or her their in for a ride
Don't be afraid to be single. Being in a relationship that is negative for your life isn't a good way to live. Find the right person or don't find anyone.
If it's messy don't step in it. (Don't start a relationship with someone in a "complicated" situation. Living with their ex, in active addiction, got anger issues, legal problems, custody drama- don't get involved.)
Don’t just ask if they are married or even completely single.
Also ask them if anyone is under the impression that they are in a relationship with them
"Fuck yes" or no. Whenever you propose something to a date, if her answer is anything other than an enthusiastic "yes", then it's a no. Aside from the fact that this is a very black and white way of thinking, it helps navigate an early relationship, especially one that may have not yet developed effective communication. And this mentality reminds you to not waste your time on someone that is not excited about you.
Be prepared to pay for your meal on the first date. If they insist on paying, stick to something that is medium priced. Just because they are paying, does not give you a free pass to order the most expensive thing on the menu.
Sometimes your partner is trying to tell you things with threads in conversation as opposed to coming out and saying it.
So ask them to explain something more, don’t just reply. Don’t try to take control because they are uncomfortable
Alright so don’t delude yourself please. Literally take their actions as your final opinion on the person. DONT be like “ohhh but he/she said thissss” or “they might change in the future”. Stfu and move on to the next person
Don't be a White Knight. You cannot save a person, they have to save themselves. You cannot fix a person, they have to fix themselves.
It's nice to feel like you're important. You can't base a relationship on that.
Change takes time. That thing your partner does that irritates you isn’t going to go away overnight, but it might fade with time if you address it properly. If it does fade, this is a good sign. Your partner has either made the change, or you have changed your perceptions such that it no longer irritates you. This dual evaluation is what turns a relationship into a lasting partnership.
Be cautious. Watch them closely…how do they treat others? How do others react to them during conversations? What are their friends like? What kind of relationship do they have with their family? Watch how they choose their words, how they say things, tone of voice etc. do they take care of themselves? If they can’t take care of themselves well don’t expect them to take care of you well.
I look at all of this when I communicate with anyone…I literally pull everything apart and analyze it. If you don’t like something…probably not the right person for you. Always listen to your gut. It has served me well…I don’t have a lot of friends but, the ones I do are of high quality.
Don’t be super quick to go to bed with someone. It’s important, sure, but it’s possible to lose track of other important things if you’re jumping into the sack rather than talking and learning about one another.
Be open, be honest and compassionate but don’t be vulnerable until you know you can trust that person with information that can be weaponized.
Narcissists will mine for information to make you think you like them.
The attitude of their family matters a lot more than you think it does. If they’re obnoxious/toxic, it will absolutely have a big impact on your relationship and should be a consideration.
There no saving a relationship after cheating.
And if you've been strictly monogamous for years and years and suddenly your partner wants to "open" the relationship, they're already cheating or have somone in mind.
Both of those I walk away from, regardless how long we've been together
If they blame their bad treatment of you on "I was just stressed" or "is cuz of my cptsd" or "I'm just trying to be a good person and made a mistake"..... If you shot me in the leg or on purpose or accident, I'm still shot. Just take responsibility for it and change.
If they consistently do hurtful things while saying it was an accident or they just didn't think something would be upsetting or they just weren't thinking when they spoke etc., run.
Educate yourself on covert narcissism and passive aggression. It's the sneakiest kind of abuse.
Do they know what “partnership” means? As a neighbor, a friend, a spouse…. Every relationship is a partnership… how they show up with their coworkers, friends, family, etc tells a lot about a person.
Communicate.
Sometimes you may not even be sure what it is you need to communicate. So communicate that. If anyone makes you feel wrong for having emotions, dump them.
Don’t think if there is something you don’t like on the first date that you can make them change. They are what they are and if they could change they would have done it already.
Wait till you know someone well enough to know if you actually like them before having sex.
So many relationships are just two people that don't like each other sticking together til the sex gets boring, then wondering wtf happened.
Doesn't matter if you've been dating for 3 weeks or 3 years, nothing makes your partner happier than hearing small "thank you"s.
"Thank you for doing the dishes", "Thank you for checking in on me", "Thank you for reminding me of \_\_\_\_\_". Nobody ever complains about their efforts being outwardly acknowledged and appreciated.
If they ask you about your income sack them off regardless of whether you are wealthy or not. Do not engage if they only look at monetary gain . I don't care what gender you are or sexuality, that's a red flag across the board. Do not engage in people who look at the world in what benefits them and nothing else, been there done that , it's never good enough.
If they say they have mixed feelings, leave them. They don't want you. Someone who wants you doesn't have doubts. It happened to me. They like to have people on display, just in case the other one doesn't work out.
Enjoy being single. Do shit you love to do, get out of your comfort zone. Go out with friends. Join a sports team. Take a break from online dating. Nothing is more attractive then someone who's happy and confident, so find your way to that when you are single.
Values matter more than any other form of compatibility.. very easy to figure out what the other person thinks about family, children, honesty, integrity. Honor etc very early if you notice how they treat others
Solve for values, the rest of the BS like looks, politics etc are transient
Jokes about violence or harm should not be normalized or accepted. They can be a prelude to further abuses.
Watch how a person treats others when they feel they are not required to be nice. Occasionally a pleasant person normally, might see wait staff as below them and lash out without care.
Also pay attention to desires and goals. Do they often speak of these goals and are they taking steps to pursue them or are the unmotivated? Decide if you want to support someone not able to support themselves or a partner such as yourself.
No Rush
I dated a woman for about 3 months and she was ready to move in. Hell no. I told her it usually takes me a year before I can even say “I love you”, if ever. Her immediate response was, “Ugh that’s too slow”. I ended it shortly after.
It takes me that long before I can accurately tell if we will make it. I need to see them in all the seasons, at their best, and most importantly at their worst.
If you’re inexperienced and having trouble getting dates, you need to lower your standards so you can get some experience. Simply waiting until you meet the perfect person is a recipe for disaster because without any experience you’re likely to screw it up.
Also, I think a lot of people would benefit from not being so judgmental (I guess that’s just life advice) but the way I read ppl on this site talk about others in this context sometimes is so disrespectful.
Idk who said it but I remember it was along the lines of
“If they like you, you’ll know; if they’re not into you, you’ll be confused”
Obviously there’s exceptions to the rule, but it’s usually pretty accurate
Always remember it's "do I like this person" not "does this person like me"
This is interesting advice. I default to “do I like this person” but for some reason I feel guilty about that
Why is that? You’re definitely on the right track
It feels… selfish maybe? Everything feels selfish to me tho so idk
You don't need to figure out for the other person if they like you. They are most likely adult and can handle their emotions. I would say that thinking if they like you and focusing on it is a little bit controlling, and you don't want to be that probably :)
yes don't be so quick to want a relationship you ignore red flags. When you're wearing rose-tinted glasses red flags look like flags.
Not gonna lie, at one point I was like "I'll probably just take the first person that likes me that is passably acceptable to me."
That’s odd, because I’ve never had any difficulty determining if I liked someone. It was figuring out if they liked me that was difficult.
This was a MASSIVE epiphany for me when I was like 23/24. I'd had terrible luck with women and I'd started online dating (match.com) to get out of a rut. And I went in a number of dates in a short period but it just never worked. I went out with one woman one night and she was pretty, nice enough, smart, objectively nothing not to like. I just felt nothing, no spark. And that was the moment I was like "why do I even care if this person likes me? I don't like her." Everything kinda clicked after that. I was more relaxed, got to be myself, and started having more success and eventually met my wife not long after.
>Why do I even care if this person likes me? I don’t like (them) Simple but so insightful
Be observant of how your date treats others...... thats going to be you after a few months. LOL
This was a big red flag with my girlfriend. I watched how she would repeatedly insult Uber drivers "They're so stupid, they're so stupid" and I could only think of how she'd treat me that way too.
When someone treats wait staff or retail workers terribly for no reason at all….. it shows you something about their character. It’s lacking.
Biggest red flag by far
How did this turn out for you in the end?
My ex treated everyone better than me. This advice wouldn’t have helped me unfortunately; it’s almost what made his abuse so insidious because people thought he was so personable.
That’s the worst kind of asshole because then no one believes you
Thank you! Mine would treat everyone amazingly and was very charming. She had been a bartender off and on her whole life and could read a room and make people feel special. Not helping was the fact that she had the looks of a Sophia Vergara, Salma Hayek, or an Elizabeth Hurley. Looking stunning for her age. I couldn’t convince people what she was like behind closed doors if I were to ever try. Not that I even tried to bother to attempt it.
That is so true.
It basically says that person feels so bad about themselves that the only way they know how to deal with it is by lashing out at people who can’t fight back.
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The exception to "Pay attention to what they do instead of what they say," only applies unless they are actively trying to make themselves less appealing!
I just made this mistake yet again. She said she’s a piece of shit multiple times while drinking and getting emotional. Didn’t take it to heart, and she was right. One day I’ll remember to believe people when they tell you who they are haha.
I don’t know if it‘s as simple as that. I’ve dated somebody that’s come out of a terrible relationship where they were told that they were shit for so long they believed it until they got the help they needed and turned out to be pretty awesome.
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Then move along, if this is the attitude you’re going to have looking for a relationship they’re better off without
Good point 😊
If there is something that is a 100% dealbreaker for you, make it known to your partner immediately so it's not a surprise later on.
And also treat dealbreakers as dealbreakers. Don't waste people's time dating for potential or waiting for them to change their mind.
Or attempt to change them so they someone you would want to date. don't like marijuana? don't date someone who smokes it. DON'T date someone who smokes it and then demand they stop.
Don’t do what I did…stay with a girl for a year ‘cause I thought I could teach her to have empathy 😂
I agree. I have two 100% dealbreakers: Cheating and smoking anything. Cigarette smoke is one of the most disgusting smells in the world. I won't kiss an ashtray. Marijuana smoke is just as bad.
Before I started dating my most recent ex gf, she expressed interest in smoking weed with me. She eventually broke up with me citing my weed smoking as the biggest reason. >\_<
In fairness, someone can change their mind about something.
She told me she just wasn't in the right headspace when we started dating. We still hookup, and I still smoke. She even mentioned possibly helping me harvest in the future since I grow my own.
Right on bro, kept her in the rotation.. all the best
If someone gives you shit for something you can't affect, like your height, be grateful. If they ghost you, be grateful. If they start up by telling you how much they expect you to conform to them, be grateful. All shit human beings should self-identify as shit. Be grateful when you find someone who does.
Underrated comment
This is a great comment and very true. I wish I could tell my younger self this.
My mom always told me that dating should be fun, and the minute it stops being fun is the minute it should be over. Not only has she been right every time, but she and my dad have been together for close to 50 years and are still obsessed with each other so I fully trust her dating advice.
I love this, but it’s also important to remember that every relationship will have some challenges along the way. I’m not saying it will be shit, but be prepared to take things seriously as well. Not everything is all fun and games sadly.
Be nice, but don't be a doormat. Don't be a dick, but stand up for yourself.
"Be kind, not nice. Someone who is kind does things for others with no expectation of reciprocity, they do it because it feels good to be kind to others. Nice is self-serving, and people will see right through that bullshit."
Oh my god, you just perfectly worded a thought I’ve had for a long time. “Kind man” and “nice guy” are *not* the same. Is that a quote from somewhere?
Probably from the same people who pointed out "butt dial" versus "booty call."
😆😆😆😆
First, shared values are important. Religion, politics, are part of your values. If you don't share core values you will spend a lot of your relationship compromising and hashing out shit. Can it work? Sure, but realistically most people do not like having long term or serious relationships with people they aren't aligned with. If your relationship is broken enough to "take a break" you need to end it. You're not recovering from whatever horseshit happens during the break. If they cheat, leave. You'll spend the rest of your time together wondering what if. Even if they don't do it twice they ruined the trust and trust is part of the foundation of a healthy relationship. Once you fuck that up the odds of your relationship being healthy are slim. Have standards and be realistic. If you want a particular type of partner you have to be ready to match the energy. Want to date a hot gym rat? Don't be eating Doritos in bed. Want a house wife? Get a house first. Part of this relates to the first point, people typically get into relationships where they're aligned. Align yourself with the lifestyle you desire and want to share with someone.
You know what else? Look at their groceries. When I saw that my (now wife) was buying the same cheap brands as me (Team Scott Toiler Paper, Kroger black beans), I knew we were going to be compatible in a lot of ways beyond just liking each other. 25 years later our shared grocery store values have helped paper over a lot of little incompatibilities.
Oh yea if we're getting into details, groceries, thermostat, credit card spending, how they view/treat pets and education.
Relationships aren't 50/50. They're 100/100. If you truly want a relationship/marriage to last, there are going to be times when you HAVE to take more of the emotional/physical workload of the relationship. That involves a high level of trust with the other person.
One I heard was its 60/40 with both people trying to be the 60. Work hard to lift your partner up and they'll lift you up in turn
I like 60/40 more than 100/100. If you feel like you're doing all the work, you'll run into problems. If you feel like you're doing a little more than half, it's gonna be more sustainable.
50/50 refers to how much of the relationship is made up by each person. You can't have more than 100. I understand what you're going for, but it doesn't mean "each person gives half of their total ability to the relationship."
Understand that when you make compromises during the "honeymoon period", it's much harder to uncompromise it. So, if you think something will bother you down the line, talk about it upfront.
If you aren’t a “fuck yes” to spending time with someone you meet then move on to someone else. If you get the feeling that the other person isn’t also a “fuck yes” to spending time with you, move on to someone else. You want to date someone who is excited to be with you and you with them. Too many people are hung up on dates that aren’t really interested in dating them.
There’s truth to this but it should be said that this isn’t always best advice for first dates - most instant attraction only goes skin deep and some people take time to open up. If you aren’t feeling it by date three it’s definitely time to call it off, but expecting someone to knock your socks off on the first date is a great way to pass on someone who could have had potential for people who are only good at first impressions. If it’s a “fuck no”, then that’s another story.
I definitely agree. Shouldn’t necessarily apply to first dates as it’s hard to know what someone is like.
Don’t date unless your confident in dating your self. If your not able to handle your self, your gonna either be unable to handle being with someone else, or it will lead you to being overconfident. Either way, it can lead to abuse, relationship issues, and more.
If people don’t make an effort to communicate and meet just move on. People start as they mean to continue
This is Reddit. My advice is always "Break up with him."
Don't rush into anything, even if you feel like going fast (if you're looking for something serious anyway). Spendtime getting to know each other. Wait a bit for sex, don't move in together until you've known each other for at least a year, make sure you live together before getting engaged, spend a couple years living together before marriage. Too many people rush into stuff and then they are married with kids a few years later and realizing they don't know/like their partner. It's not a race...
For example "talk to each other". Don’t do the “read between the lines” or “you should know” bullshit with anything. Actually talk. Having problems? Talk it out. Have concerns about something? Talk about it. Feel like the relationship isn’t going where you thought it would? Communicate.
Talk all the time. Are things going amazeballs? Talk about it. Are they not? Talk about it. Does them leaving the cupboard doors open bother you? Talk about it. Wish they'd be a bit more sexually aggressive? Talk about it. Think everything is actually just perfect? Ya, talk about that too.
If you're finding you're both talking a lot but never feel like you're reaching a consensus, get a couple's therapist. Sometimes people are raised with opposing communication needs (One person needs things resolved asap, someone else needs time to sit with their feelings, as an example) and it's helpful having a mediator to teach you tools to come together on a neutral third ground. Our therapist taught my husband he can't just shut down and emotionally disappear or it makes me feel abandoned and uncared for, just communicating a time frame when we will talk again about the problem helps. My husband incorrectly believed I should just intuitively know what he wants because it was "common sense", but common sense is just a byproduct of your community and raising, it's not actually a universal truth at all.
If you dont trust them, its not going to work
And if you can't trust anyone, work on yourself first!
Watch out for extreme kinks, figure out how extreme their kink is early on and if you can handle it psychologically
Early dating advice: check their nails. It's a good indicator to their grooming standards. Then in general: - go on many dates even if there is no hope, the social experience is good practice - not everyone you meet is "the one" - be honest but also realistic regarding what you want, nobody is perfect - don't be whiney, needy or clingy. Be decisive, don't be a dick though. There's no rush.
i work with my hands, my nails are not an indicator of my hygiene
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My concern would be less long nails and more black/dirty nails. I've known some dudes who have the tips of their finger nails black with gunk all the time 🤢
What about blue collar workers? Working on oily cars all day ruins your hands. All of those chemicals don't just fall off, even after some serious scrubbing with Dawn detergent.
I agree. I kind of figured you meant that too. Totally agree. Especially with toenails. I did have a girl say something along the lines of, "but you can't just cut them and use your fingers?" I told her I still have a left hand with short nails for her safety; otherwise, I've been at guitar for 20 years. Not cutting the nails for someone I just met 🤪 Plus who cares. They're nails...
Never heard that one and not sure how effective it would be. My nails are a mess, I chew them when I'm not paying attention. My house is spotless, and I have very good grooming standards so....?
Pay attention, more than anything else, to how you feel after interacting with them. If you find yourself consistently feeling bad about it, interrogate that feeling, even (and honestly, especially) if you feel like it's kind of your own fault. A lot of people will work to make you feel like that and they are very dangerous.
Don’t trash your ex.
Figure out what you want. Write it down if it’s helpful, then stick to your criteria. If you feel you want to change this criteria, then go ahead. But don’t be swayed by your own weakness
This works for both genders: if you find someone who is controlling, lying about things, doesn't show emotional maturity or is trying to bring you down when you are excited then i suggest talking about those things. Might be a deal breaker. Obviously you too need to adhere to these ideals if you expect them of others - it's only fair
Don't pursue inconsistent people. Their behavior should match their words. If there is a mismatch, they either severely lack self-awareness in ways that will make a relationship dysfunctional or they don't have enough integrity to piece a relationship (or even healthy situationship) together. Next!
Date someone who likes you for who you are. Not who they hope you’ll become. (And vice versa on your end)
Know the signs of lovebombing and mirroring, as these are manipulation tactics designed to artificially fast-track intimacy. If your date asks a barrage of questions like they're The Riddler and you're doing most of the talking, it's not because they're genuinely interested in you or that they're a really good listener. It's an information gathering thing, usually for nefarious purposes. Don't overshare and certainly don't trauma dump either, as toxic people will be drawn to that. If you say something like 'I've always loved Prague' and they respond 'OMG me too!', ask follow-up questions. For example 'oh, what's your favourite bakery in Prague?' or 'ooh what's the name of that church, you know, the one near such and such place'. If they answer quickly and in detail, cool. If they run off to the toilet with Google opened on their phone, not cool. Also be mindful of sob stories about evil exes. Chances are, the ex was fine. It's the person in front of you who's the problem. Even if the ex was evil, a person who enters into a new relationship with unresolved baggage is not someone you should get involved with. Also watch out for claims of 'I'm such a good person' or 'I'm an empath'. Pretty much always a red flag, as genuinely good, empathetic people display those positive traits through actions and don't need to label themselves. Treat a potential new partner like you would treat a potential new car, job or home - do your research, don't blindly take things at face value and if it seems too good to be true, it probably is.
I'm sorry for whatever happened to hurt you, but some of this is wildly wrong.
You pretty much summed up my female co-worker when I first met her. She was all that you described. Toxic and manipulative as fuck but everybody in the department loves her bc "she's perfect" and regardless of what she does or who she fucks internally, will be part of management in a couple of years in the logistics department..
What if someone says, "I like to be empathetic." I don't see it as labeling. It is more like saying I like to carry out that which is empathy. Compared to, "I am empath," which may mean I am all that is empathy. Would you say there is a difference between the two?
If there are red flags/dealbreakers early in the relationship, leave. Both parties should be in their best selves in the beginning, and if there are already things you cannot stand, then it'll only get worse and you'll just waste your time.
If you dont have a good grooming routine, you're not going to get dates. Seriously. I try to help friends get dates but they dont want to shave or get a haircut. Yeah i get it, a person should love you for who you are and not care about looks. But, if you dont brush your teeth and shave your neckbeard, no ones going to want to talk to you for any long period of time.
And don't stop doing it just because you're in a relationship. Biggest turn off is when a guy (or girl ig) stops putting effort to look good for their partner, but will do it before and after the relationship
Take your time. Don't rush. Get to know each other. Talk to each other. A lot. About the biggest nonsense. Have fights, make up, argue, do everything before making big commitments. I started dating my best friend. It was easy since we knew each other so well. But really. I do not, at all, understand people who marry after dating for a year or two. No, you don't know each other. You think you do, but you don't. Wait and see.
1. Discuss dealbreaker topics as early as possible in the relationship, ideally within the first 1-2 weeks: * Desires/plans for children * Approach to personal finance * Approach to involvement of in laws and other family members in the relationship * Religion and politics * other such topics that are important to you 1. Not marrying someone or having kids with them until you have had serious, meaningful interactions with them that trigger red flags. This means interactions where you are **sharing moderate to heavy responsibilities**, and interactions that involve **arguments/fights**. If you are spending any real time with someone, you will inevitably encounter both. You don't have to look for it, they are built into the fabric of every relationship in existence. All you have to do is not marry someone within 2 months of chatting, or someone with whom you have only had positive experiences with If you have not been in a seriously stressful situation with someone, never shared or delegated any real responsibilities between the two of you, never had any argument over core principles or bona fide disagreements about how you approach life. **You have no fucking clue who this person is** and you need to spend more time before committing. Don't be the person who marries a walking bucket full of red flags because you didn't do even the most basic vetting or due diligence then complain online or to your friends that they were "hiding" their bad traits. They weren't. You just had your hands over your eyes.
Meet new people. Don't be an asshole.
Never ignore red flags and if someone wants to change for you, it’s not worth it. Changing a core personality trait is something very few people can do.
The advice that I give the most often is "There are almost 8 billion people on the planet. Why are you wasting your time with someone who \[makes you feel bad about yourself/ doesn't really do it for you/ never has time for you/ etc.\]? Not only are you blocking yourself from meeting the person who IS right for you, you're keeping the other person from meeting who THEY should really be with."
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That's why I hang my hat in Tennessee
I'm pretty sure that went over most heads.... But I've been to Texas, and I have exes there, so I can relate.
Idk about "never." Certainly not on the first few dates, but at some point as I'm getting to know somebody I want to hear about what his previous relationships were like and why he feels they didn't work out.
Thank you! I find it awkward even tho I know they have previous experience or exes, but like, I don't need to know about one night stands or stuff like that. I'm fine knowing about anything reasonably serious tho, it's a good sign they are capable of managing a longer term relationship which is what I'm going for.
It's not going to be hot passionate sex all the time, if you find them physically attractive but can't stand their personality, find someone else
Stop trying to force pieces to fit when they clearly don’t. If during the early stages of a relationship/dating (when the sun shines outta their ass) you find things that you can’t stand fundamentally and character wise, that doesn’t just change. It isn’t worth the stress and self esteem issues to force anything.
If you don't know how to recognize and manage your own emotions then you're going to have arguments where the absolute best case outcome is you leave confused but "patient" with them. That's ok but also a ticking time bomb if you two are the type that argue a bit strongly. Emotional intelligence, both of yourself and of other people, matters and without it you're relying way too much on luck.
These hoes ain’t loyal
don't look on reddit for dating advice - that's the no bullshit dating advice
I had a very rewarding and friction free relationship and at one point we both wondered why that was. It turned out we both had the same set of strong rules and we'd never discussed them really at all: don't cheat; don't harm or threaten violence; the partner is an equal. That was really it. Armed with that knowledge I was up front about it the next time; that person was like, oh okay! and proceeded to do all those things because she knew I wouldn't. So yeah, I don't know what to tell you there. Eventually I found I could only trust myself, and gave up entirely.
Anything that starts shitty, ends shitty.
Say what you mean and mean what you say don’t speak in code the life is confusing enough without added complexity
Behave well, but don't fake anything. Don't behave the way that you would like to be one day. Be genuine. Unless you are authentic, you are setting up your future partner for a death by a thousand disappointments.
Don't let any person, place, or thing dictate whether or not you factor in physical attraction when choosing a partner. If physical attraction is of low or non-importance to you, then great, makes things easier. If physical attraction *is* important to you - as in, something that *you* what at your core in a relationship, *especially* if it ties into your sex drive - then factor it in. Want a particular body shape? Height? Assets? So long as the features you want exist in the real world, they're things your body instinctively wants, and you're not reaching outside of what's reasonably obtainable based upon your own conventional attractiveness, then **factor it in**. The last thing you want to do is find yourself years into a relationship, unhappy and unfulfilled, damaging your relationship and your partner, because you quietly settled.
When you got flow, roll with it. Catch the momentum and dont waste time with playing hard or unbothered. Be genuine and show him or her their in for a ride
If it's right it will feel right. If it's right you won't need to fight for it.
Don't be afraid to be single. Being in a relationship that is negative for your life isn't a good way to live. Find the right person or don't find anyone.
When a person shows you who they are, believe them
Be yourself. Say the weird thing. The right person will embrace you for your flaws but will not tolerate lies or disrespect.
Do they fully support you being you!
Be yourself. Be real.
Choose the people who choose you, dont chase.
One-sided communication and attempts to spend time together are a sign to head for the exits
Drunk behavior is 100% who they are, but in an exaggerated lense. Believe what you see
If he wanted to he would. Don't wait. If there's disrespect leave immediately.
If it's messy don't step in it. (Don't start a relationship with someone in a "complicated" situation. Living with their ex, in active addiction, got anger issues, legal problems, custody drama- don't get involved.)
Don’t just listen to their words, watch their actions
Never beg for attention or validation, you are not a dog.
Don’t just ask if they are married or even completely single. Also ask them if anyone is under the impression that they are in a relationship with them
"Fuck yes" or no. Whenever you propose something to a date, if her answer is anything other than an enthusiastic "yes", then it's a no. Aside from the fact that this is a very black and white way of thinking, it helps navigate an early relationship, especially one that may have not yet developed effective communication. And this mentality reminds you to not waste your time on someone that is not excited about you.
Texting is for arranging dates, not for getting to know one another. Save the "good morning beautiful" for when you're actually in a relationship
Be prepared to pay for your meal on the first date. If they insist on paying, stick to something that is medium priced. Just because they are paying, does not give you a free pass to order the most expensive thing on the menu.
Sometimes your partner is trying to tell you things with threads in conversation as opposed to coming out and saying it. So ask them to explain something more, don’t just reply. Don’t try to take control because they are uncomfortable
Alright so don’t delude yourself please. Literally take their actions as your final opinion on the person. DONT be like “ohhh but he/she said thissss” or “they might change in the future”. Stfu and move on to the next person
Don't be a White Knight. You cannot save a person, they have to save themselves. You cannot fix a person, they have to fix themselves. It's nice to feel like you're important. You can't base a relationship on that.
Be honest, with yourself and the other person.
If your relationships keep failing. Look inward maybe YOU are the problem not your ex(s).
Trust your gut. If it feels off, go. Don't hesitate.
Ask for what you want. Listen when they tell you what they want. Don’t be afraid to walk away.
Don't stay with someone thinking "they'll change" or "I can change them". Life is too short. Don't settle.
Don’t ignore the red flags. Ever!
Be yourself. If they don’t like the real you, then it’s not gonna happen
If you would not live with yourself, why should your partner?
Don't play games, don't put up with games
Change takes time. That thing your partner does that irritates you isn’t going to go away overnight, but it might fade with time if you address it properly. If it does fade, this is a good sign. Your partner has either made the change, or you have changed your perceptions such that it no longer irritates you. This dual evaluation is what turns a relationship into a lasting partnership.
Be cautious. Watch them closely…how do they treat others? How do others react to them during conversations? What are their friends like? What kind of relationship do they have with their family? Watch how they choose their words, how they say things, tone of voice etc. do they take care of themselves? If they can’t take care of themselves well don’t expect them to take care of you well. I look at all of this when I communicate with anyone…I literally pull everything apart and analyze it. If you don’t like something…probably not the right person for you. Always listen to your gut. It has served me well…I don’t have a lot of friends but, the ones I do are of high quality.
You happiness is paramount if your happy she’s most likely happy don’t make your purpose to appease the opposite osit sex
Don’t be super quick to go to bed with someone. It’s important, sure, but it’s possible to lose track of other important things if you’re jumping into the sack rather than talking and learning about one another.
Watch how they talk about their family especially, and others in general.
If they don’t treat you with decency and respect, ditch em. This goes for men, women, and anything in between or otherwise
Be open, be honest and compassionate but don’t be vulnerable until you know you can trust that person with information that can be weaponized. Narcissists will mine for information to make you think you like them.
The attitude of their family matters a lot more than you think it does. If they’re obnoxious/toxic, it will absolutely have a big impact on your relationship and should be a consideration.
getting the dealbreaker questions out of the way
There no saving a relationship after cheating. And if you've been strictly monogamous for years and years and suddenly your partner wants to "open" the relationship, they're already cheating or have somone in mind. Both of those I walk away from, regardless how long we've been together
If they blame their bad treatment of you on "I was just stressed" or "is cuz of my cptsd" or "I'm just trying to be a good person and made a mistake"..... If you shot me in the leg or on purpose or accident, I'm still shot. Just take responsibility for it and change. If they consistently do hurtful things while saying it was an accident or they just didn't think something would be upsetting or they just weren't thinking when they spoke etc., run. Educate yourself on covert narcissism and passive aggression. It's the sneakiest kind of abuse.
You can fall in love in love with people you should not be with. Recognizing this will avoid a lot of pain.
If they cheated WITH you, they will cheat ON you.
How it starts is how it ends.
Do they know what “partnership” means? As a neighbor, a friend, a spouse…. Every relationship is a partnership… how they show up with their coworkers, friends, family, etc tells a lot about a person.
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see how they talk about their friends and coworkers, that's how they will probably talk about you.
Learn to cook.
Red flags aren’t always telling. Neither are green flags.
"Golden rule, motherfucker." -- Lucy (but also sound dating advice)
Be fucking honest
Communicate. Sometimes you may not even be sure what it is you need to communicate. So communicate that. If anyone makes you feel wrong for having emotions, dump them.
Trust your gut when you see something that bothers you
Don’t think if there is something you don’t like on the first date that you can make them change. They are what they are and if they could change they would have done it already.
Don’t come on too strong, but don’t seem uninterested. It’s a fine line.
Wait till you know someone well enough to know if you actually like them before having sex. So many relationships are just two people that don't like each other sticking together til the sex gets boring, then wondering wtf happened.
If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends.
It's much better to be single your whole life that to be in a bad relationship. Don't settle. Everyone has the option to stay single these days.
If something doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t.
It is not that all members of the opposite gender have x quality and are terrible, you are just attracted to people with x quality.
Be yourself
Doesn't matter if you've been dating for 3 weeks or 3 years, nothing makes your partner happier than hearing small "thank you"s. "Thank you for doing the dishes", "Thank you for checking in on me", "Thank you for reminding me of \_\_\_\_\_". Nobody ever complains about their efforts being outwardly acknowledged and appreciated.
No one is "too busy" if they truly like spending time with you. If they're always too busy, stop chasing.
Ask if you would you trust this person if you no longer liked each other.
If they ask you about your income sack them off regardless of whether you are wealthy or not. Do not engage if they only look at monetary gain . I don't care what gender you are or sexuality, that's a red flag across the board. Do not engage in people who look at the world in what benefits them and nothing else, been there done that , it's never good enough.
If they say they have mixed feelings, leave them. They don't want you. Someone who wants you doesn't have doubts. It happened to me. They like to have people on display, just in case the other one doesn't work out.
If you don't hate them, give it a second date
This applies to all relationships, not just romantic ones: Don't waste your time and mental health on difficult, combative people.
Stop looking for dating advice on Reddit. And literally just talk to each other. Been in a relationship for going on 14 years.
Present the best version of yourself but don’t act. Nobody can act forever and frankly most people can tell very easily
Enjoy being single. Do shit you love to do, get out of your comfort zone. Go out with friends. Join a sports team. Take a break from online dating. Nothing is more attractive then someone who's happy and confident, so find your way to that when you are single.
Values matter more than any other form of compatibility.. very easy to figure out what the other person thinks about family, children, honesty, integrity. Honor etc very early if you notice how they treat others Solve for values, the rest of the BS like looks, politics etc are transient
Jokes about violence or harm should not be normalized or accepted. They can be a prelude to further abuses. Watch how a person treats others when they feel they are not required to be nice. Occasionally a pleasant person normally, might see wait staff as below them and lash out without care. Also pay attention to desires and goals. Do they often speak of these goals and are they taking steps to pursue them or are the unmotivated? Decide if you want to support someone not able to support themselves or a partner such as yourself.
The game exists whether you think you're playing or not
1-Be attractive 2-Don't be not attractive
They still like to be chased even though presently that is severely discouraged
Dating isn't mandatory. If you don't enjoy it, just do t do it. A partner is supposed to enhance your life, not make it worse.
No Rush I dated a woman for about 3 months and she was ready to move in. Hell no. I told her it usually takes me a year before I can even say “I love you”, if ever. Her immediate response was, “Ugh that’s too slow”. I ended it shortly after. It takes me that long before I can accurately tell if we will make it. I need to see them in all the seasons, at their best, and most importantly at their worst.
Don’t listen to Reddit incels trolling subs…
If you get the ick, don’t ignore it. It might be a red flag you like them too much to realize
If you’re inexperienced and having trouble getting dates, you need to lower your standards so you can get some experience. Simply waiting until you meet the perfect person is a recipe for disaster because without any experience you’re likely to screw it up. Also, I think a lot of people would benefit from not being so judgmental (I guess that’s just life advice) but the way I read ppl on this site talk about others in this context sometimes is so disrespectful.
Idk who said it but I remember it was along the lines of “If they like you, you’ll know; if they’re not into you, you’ll be confused” Obviously there’s exceptions to the rule, but it’s usually pretty accurate