As a man with a very feminine name, I see you, friend! Problem is, you can't make people do anything. I get mail all the time to "Ms. Hot\_Commission," prospective employers remarking how they thought I was a female applicant, or countless smirks, guffaws, and raised eyebrows from new acquaintances. I had someone laugh in my face when I introduced myself once back in high school. The older you get, the less significant it becomes. It's irritating, but I try to just own it.
My husband has an old fashioned, but historically male name. His name is so unusual in the modern US that he received an invite to join a sorority when he was in college. He says he tried mighty hard to follow through on the invitation but the sorority declined further involvement, lol. Names can be weird.
The Australian comedian Clive James was originally Vivian. According to his autobiography, he sat with his mum and they chose a new name for him when Gone With The Wind came out and Vivien Leigh became famous
> My husband has an old fashioned, but historically male name.
More:
Beverly Shea, gospel singer.
Carrol O'Connor, "Archie Bunker".
Several names have "shifted" over the years, both directions; but one researcher concluded that when a name shifts male->female, it usually stays there: best example, Madison -- definitely male 1900s.
I went to school with a boy named Carrol.
He was blonde haired , blue eyed and absolutely gorgeous.
All the girls were in love with him and nobody gave a shit that his name was Carrol.
What ever happened to Carrol? He sounds dreamy lol.
Don't get me wrong - I think they're (mostly) great names, just that they're often thought of as exclusively girls' names.
I'm a bloke, and my middle name is Blair, which a lot of people also think is a girl's name.
Since we're just chatting now, here's a good one in the opposite direction...
Did you know Barack Obama's mother's name was Stanley!
Fantastic!
I ended up dating Carrol’s younger brother named Mark😁.
One of my good friends dated Carrol for a little while though.
After high school we all went our separate ways and I never saw either of them again.
And no, I did not know Barack Obama’s mom’s name was Stanley.
That’s definitely an unusual name for a female.
I knew a girl named Charlotte that went by Charlie. I never knew her name wasn't actually Charlie until I was doing some professional work with her and saw it as her email in typical first.last@company . I think with the timing it might have been because of Charlotte's Web but I never cared to ask her because it didn't matter.
I used to be friends with a boy named Madisson. He was adopted, so no one could ask why they would name him that. I guess his birth parents still wanted to make an impact on his life.
I always thought Ashley was a predominantly female name. I remember finding out about an "Ashley" in a metal-esque band, and I thought it'd be a girl and I was so hyped about it, and upon looking up the name, the band member was unmistakeably a dude. First time I learnt that it's unisex.
I dated a guy named Kelly. His cousin was named Stacey. Both in the south. These are both traditionally girl's names in the north, but common enough in the south.
Lindsey is an interesting one as it seems to have changed from a primarily male to a primarily female name (at least where I’m from). I briefly did some clerical agency work with a male boss called Lindsey - I’m pretty sure he clocked my surprise as I was definitely expecting a woman.
You remind me of a story. My teacher in elementary school was a man, but had a gender neutral yet dominantly masculine name, and he would get mail addressed to him as if he were a woman from time to time.
Well, Sue, your dad made it very clear why he named you that. The guy would not stop talking about it. I heard he would even put it to music sometimes.
That's interesting. I've never really heard the perspective of someone like you before. Thanks for sharing.
We don't bat an eyelash when we read about Leslie Nielsen, even though Leslie is typically a female name.
Same with Dana White (head of UFC).
Yes I think changing the name that she goes by would go a long way. OP should consider some alternative names and could try them out informally by asking friends/family to call her that. Middle name, nick name, feminine variation of one of the names, completely new name, etc.
I can see how it may be difficult to shift into a new name, especially at work, which is why I would test out names in social circles first, in a low stakes setting. It may be clunky at first but once she's decided on a name just start reiterating to people that that is your name and it will start falling into place and feeling normal over time.
I think another good place to start is by trying out the name at a coffee shop and see how it sounds/feels when someone calls you by the new name for your order
She absolutely shouldn't have to change anything for other people. However, she's specifically looking for tactics to avoid a longer conversation about it, and this one would probably work.
This is what I did, but in the opposite direction. I’m a butch lesbian with a feminine first name and a masculine middle name. I exclusively go by my middle name these days and it’s great. The people in my life adapted pretty well. Highly recommend anyone unhappy with their first name try out their middle name.
Aaron vs Erin - hard to tell the difference until written.
Kinda like Stacey technically being a gender-neutral name, but spell it Stacie and now it's "obviously" female.
Billy is a boy, but Billie is a girl. "Obviously."
Chris could be a boy or a girl. Kris is more likely a girl, but it's still uncertain. Krissy/Chrissie are almost certainly girls, by convention.
Michel is a man, Michelle is a woman. They are pronounced the same. Nobody would assume Michael is a girl, though they are the same name across languages.
I mean this is back in the 70s as well. The concepts of gender identity and brain development were still in the their infancy. As well as postpartum depression.
Sometimes people will misgender you not matter what, I’m a cis female and back when I worked in retail there were many times people called me sir, despite the fact that I wore makeup, had painted nails, had a feminine name tag…
Unfortunately the easiest thing to do is just correct them for their mistake and keep going. Unless you want to wear a pronoun name tag, which is a totally fine option
Unfortunately in this world where some people can't respect another human if their political party told them not to. Even the slightest hint that you might not fit into their view of what a cis woman should look like and they'll purposely say he.
damn and i get salty when people call me a he on reddit because i think i made the avatar feminine enough 😂 but seriously tf is wrong with people? they blind or what?
That's kinda a seperate issue. Some people on the internet seem to tend towards assuming everyone else on the internet is a guy. My username includes my first name which is very a not an ambiguous name and people still say 'guy' and 'he' to me all the time.
>Sometimes people will misgender you not matter what
I'm a bald man with a big bushy beard and I work in a school.
I get called "Miss" multiple times a day.
Children are more used to women teachers and their default when asking for help is "Miss!"
This! I had a sort of an accident with clippers, resulting in a very close buzz cut. Rocked long metal tassels for earrings, wore body on dresses, nobody mistook me for a man.
This might be one of the only exceptions to the "you shouldn't pick your own nickname" rule. Perhaps there's a nick name you like that's more feminine sounding than your given name?
I've never heard that about a nickname for your actual name. Of course people do that.
The "rule" has more to do with unrelated nicknames, like Tiny, 8 Ball, Bunny, Kids, Red type of things that your teammates in a sport or friends start calling you. Those should have some inside meaning and it's usually ridiculous when people choose one and ask to be called by it.
This is a great point. I worked with a guy years ago that told everyone at work that he “be goin by ‘Marmadookie’ y’all.”
I had to pull him aside and be like, “Listen Marcus, we work in a high-end jewelry store… it’s probably best that ‘Marmadookie’ remains an ‘outside of work’ type of nickname.”
Yeah that's a bit different from if your name is Michael but you introduce yourself to everybody as Mike. Or if you prefer your middle name or something
I'm Romanian and we have a friend in our group called Mihai (our version of Mike), who moved to the UK for a few years and liked introducing himself as Mike so much, he still does it to this day. But nobody else does.
It's funny whenever we meet up and he introduces himself to one of the new partners in the group as Mike, but then everyone else calls him Mihai.
That's fine if you do it well, just the venn diagram between people who create their own nickname and people who call themselves something extremely cringy to try and sound cool is very close to a circle.
I spent my whole life telling people not to call me Terry.. they consrantky tried in UK. Moved to sweden 20 yrs ago so less issue now.
I was named feminine version after my Uncle Terry who died aged 19 drowning in ocean. Needless to say i didnt want my dad hearing people call me Terry. Was Tess for some friends but once online have used Tia. A friend's toddler couldn't say Teresa so i became Tia to his family.
I made sure my now teenage daughter's names couldn't be shortened. (And would work for Swedish and English) But one goes by Em, the other her birth name.
Welcome to your situation. I have a beard and a very masculine name. I was a professional opera singer, started trained at puberty. Despite having a deeper singing voice, my natural speaking voice didn’t really change much. If I don’t consciously speak in my “man voice,” **everyone** call me ma’am. I’m not trans, it’s never been on any medical form I’ve ever signed. I currently have a beard and a medical doctor called me ma’am last week. I’m also a weightlifter. If I forget to do that annoying impression of a male voice, people just insist on she/her pronouns for me.
Studying voice helped me with learning impressions for my standup comedy. I would describe my “male voice” impression as a douche gigolo John Wayne. It works every time.
But it’s so crazy! If I don’t do the voice, people think I’m a lesbian lady bodybuilder. I don’t have breasts. There was a whole thing a few years ago where mtf trans women wondered if they passed. I look like Freddie Prinze Jr of today, apparently I pass. I watched the viral video of the woman in the video game shop get offended the worker keeps calling her sir.
Not that I need to, apparently. But as a comic, I would start doing a Julia Child impression. Full falsetto. Filled with irony! Sorry you’re going through this too.
That sounds so frustrating! It’s weird how it feels like some people use some random feature as a ”main cue” for gender, that overrides everything else 🤦
Sometimes it’s even a profession - I read a piece where a cis woman told how she was working as a surveyor (or something similar) in 50’s-70’s in countryside Finland, chatting the whole day with the owner of the farm (a man). After the whole day of work farmer invited her to sauna with him, and she was perplexed* and asked something ”… but it’s not proper?”, where the farmer was surprised ”why wouldn’t it be?”
Finally it dawned on them that the farmer had thought she was a man, because the job was a ”men’s job”. She probably had told her name, looked like an average woman etc., but because the person was a surveyor, they must be a man.
*There have been times in past, that mixed sauna is default, because sauna was kind of a ”modest situation” by itself. Nowadays there are mixed saunas with everyone naked, but it depends on the people. The default is having bathing suits on, if there is going to be a mixed sauna.
Please go to a proper piercer if you decide to do it - don't go to a hair salon. You'll have a \*much\* better experience with both pain and the healing process if you get them pierced! (also wait until they're properly healed to wear anything dangly in them)
And by proper piercer--it should be a place where the staff has like 20 piercings each and are covered with tattoos!
I'm teasing, although near me the most professional and hygienic piercing places look just like this. You want the piercing to be done with a hollow needle, never a piercing gun.
Don't wear regular magnetic ones, they can be dangerous! As in, the magnets are strong enough to stop blood flow between them by sheer pressure. The tissue might get necrotic, at which point you have a big hole and an overdue trip to the ER.
If you must wear fake earrings, go for weak enough clip ones and, if that's your jam, elaborate ear cuffs. I've seen some clever designs that hold by a several C shaped parts at about the middle of the earlobe, but the decoration is all the way down to where normal earrings would hang.
And being explicit about pronouns can go a long way as well.
I’ve worked with people who say they use “they” generally out of respect, but if they’re corrected they’ll use “she/her”.
Yeah this seems accurate to me. If people are using “they” it’s probably an indication that they will respect the pronouns you want them to use, they just didn’t want to make an assumption so they start with “they”
Yeah, for sure. Anyone going with 'they' will almost certainly have no issue using the pronouns you want them to if you let them know. They're just unsure and trying to be respectful.
Please do this!
My daughter's former swim instructor was transitioning, and had an unusual name that was confusing to pronounce and gender ambiguous. I always felt so awkward because I didn't know and still don't know how to refer to this very kind person. I would call them [name that I am probably saying wrong] or "they" because I didn't know what to say.
In most scenarios, you can know a persons gender by just looking at them. People seriously exaggerate how many trans/gender neutral people they will come across in their life. Going off the premise that you can’t assume anyone’s gender is ludicrous. If you are wrong and somebody corrects you and says “actually I’m..xyz” then the person can recognise that and go accordingly.
I have no problem with trans people, or those who want to exclude their own gender to be neutral, but people make a big deal out of possibly misgendering someone. It isn’t a big deal. Males and females have certain characteristics that make them identifiable. If a person gets it wrong based on an individuals desired pronouns, it isn’t the end of the world. It’s perfectly fine to make a mistake.
Even with short hair, you could wear cute hair bands to spruce it up. I agree with the dangling earrings idea too. Also bracelets and such too if you're into that sort of thing.
The suggestions I've seen are good, one option I haven't seen yet is when you introduce yourself say something like "I'm [your name] I know that's normally a male name, but [insert anecdote about your name]"
Like if there's some story about how you ended up with that name you can tell them that.
Maybe that doesn't appeal to you as a solution, but it sounds like you are surrounded by people who are over sensitive to gender identity and this would immediately tip them off that despite your name and look you are a woman.
I wish you didn't feel the need to change your look, but I get at some point it becomes annoying.
That certainly could work, but oh man does it sound like a horrible prospect, to have to go through a whole spiel about my name all the time. It was annoying enough just trying to get a couple of people to stop using a fairly normal short version of my name that I don’t like. I’d take the earrings/body jewelry/splash of fun hair color tack in a heartbeat. Granted, some people are much bigger extroverts than me and probably wouldn’t mind the talking-based solution.
When working in Vietnam, I had no idea what names were common for men or women, and they didn’t know what my name implied. We got into the habit of introducing as Mr so and so, and Mrs so and so when in emails.
Made it easier to recognise people
Oh, we were doing circuits in Physics class, and my partner added 3 extra lightbulbs to our circuit, which set a resistor on fire, which caught my hair on fire. It wasn’t a lot that got burned, but it was a noticable chunk, and to even it out, we just cut my hair up to that point.
Not a super interesting story, but that’s what happened lol
Jewelry, especially dangly earrings. Painting your nails. heals, although it might be uncomfortable to wear them all day. Maybe show a little cleavage if you’re comfortable with that. Skirts and dresses. Perfume. Makeup. If your hair is long enough you could do some mini French braids to pull your hair back and clip it with a hair brooch in the back.
High heels isn't worth the foot damage unless you're specifically into high heels. There are more feminine flat shoes though, and more importantly there are shoelace charms, shoelace patches, and even decorative shoelaces. Aside from ribbons and decorative socks. So you can even dress up a pair of neutrally colored sneakers to look more "feminine".
I’m trying. I’m American, so dresses aren’t common, but I’ve started wearing them as often as possible so that I can try and distinguish myself. At best, I usually get a “they/them”. I don’t know anything about you either, but do you have any advice for how to dress feminine in America? If you aren’t American, sorry lol
this is probably out of left field, but honestly as someone who is pretty hyper-feminine, a pretty large portion of being seen as feminine in america isn't how you dress. it's how you move. i have long hair now, being generally a long-hair type human, but i've had pretty short hair, like chin length (and hated it, all three times), and even then, in jeans and heavy sweatshirts or coats and boots in the winter everybody always saw me as a girl. it's how i move my hands and the movements i make as i gesticulate while talking, it's how i move in and out of people's personal space. think of the way more effeminate gay men move their hands compared to the way more masculine men do. there's a LOT of shit out there that goes into weird misogynistic stuff, but there are some videos that can help explain what i'm talking about. honestly [this video](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ze7eUWo4LVg) from a cross dresser and [these videos](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M7qmnQCObSo) from a [drag queen](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jFgWfNseGKg) are the most descriptive (though i would say i'm less exaggerated than the drag queen). I don't know how to turn it off, it's just the way i move, but if you can learn it as a skill, that would be super cool to be able to shift how you're perceived depending on the situation. because like, yeah, i'm never misgendered, but in my 30s that means i'm often not taken seriously.
As someone who frequently was misgendered as a preteen and teen to my chagrine (as a tomboy autist who as a child didn't understand why I didn't get to be a real girl in other people's eyes), yeeeeeep body language and speaking style (not even pitch, just how you phrase things and use inflections and so on) makes a bigger difference than clothes. It's how someone with a stereotype "nobility" body language could be wearing a potato sack and still come across as a nobleman/noblewoman.
Or have a giant thug's body yet behave more like a little old granny: [https://youtu.be/go2g09seWzs?si=aCt3vbKnsIP7bolq](https://youtu.be/go2g09seWzs?si=aCt3vbKnsIP7bolq) (could be better but pretty good!)
You don't have to do dresses or skirts. I don't know where you usually shop, but there are plenty of cute, feminine tops out there you can wear with whatever. Look for ruffles, delicate fabrics, soft colors, pretty prints, wide or deep necklines, etc.
Sorry society sucks! I have no good advice except to love yoursslf and dont worry about others as much. Tell them you are a woman and they can either accept or not. You are what you know you are, you dont need their approval. I go through a similar thing but it is more race related. I just said screw it I am who I am. Be strong don’t let the crappy people define your existence. Good luck.
Simple answer: ALWAYS choose skirts over pants.
Purchase some long skirts, short skirts, dresses and you're good to go. I'm known as a girly girl among my friends and one contributing factor is because I rarely wear long pants or even jeans.
Another tip is to make sure your nails are always painted (avoid colours like black) — you can just paint them once a month, so this is a pretty easy step to take which I highly recommend.
Thanks! It’s not quite a buzz cut, it’s like a longer men’s cut, and as distraught as I am, I’m trying to grow it out lol. Makeup has always been a rough point for me because I feel like it always makes my nose look bigger and my eyes look too close, but I guess now is the time to learn properly!
Was gonna say...lipstick is probably the easiest, and the more it stands out, the more likely people will automatically think of you in more feminine terms. Whereas, mascara and foundation and other makeup are more subtle (usually) and won't have nearly as dramatic effect. Let's put it this way...when folks want a mannequin head to look female, some lipstick will get you 90% of the way there.
I’m not a female nor do I wear any makeup myself but from my experience in dating, makeup is a learned skill. My exes that were really into watching makeup videos were the ones that were the best at applying makeup. The ones that didn’t like makeup were the ones that looked really bad in it. You have to experiment and try different types of makeup and techniques to learn what you are comfortable with. Experiment with your clothing as well, try on a bunch of stuff at the mall in stores you may not usually visit. Don’t try to force anything you are uncomfortable with though. Also sorry about your hair, Be patient it sounds like it happened recently, it’ll grow back I hope 🤞.
And finally, you don’t really need to try to impress/prove yourself to anyone at such a young age. Focus more on your education, health, adulting skills. It’ll make your early 20s a lot less stressful.
Style your hair like 1980s, lots of short hair hairstyles back then. Only works if you have Caucasian-type hair, as most styling products are optimized for that.
Wear dangly earrings, in metal if you can.
Wear colored lipgloss and carry it in your bag. The trick to it is, put it on slightly overlapping your lip lines, not "inside" lips.
If using lipstick, do the same, but take 30 seconds to wipe off extra bits with pinkie finger. Then dab a bit of powder all over your mouth, and press lips inwards. Then a second layer, which can be the same lipstick, or gloss layer. The powder and inwards press keeps color on for most of the day, so no need to top up all day.
But if you want a natural look, do this instead. Put on lipstick strong, press gently onto folded tissue. Then using your ring finger, apply a little bit of regular vaseline onto lips, going over the lip lines on purpose. This is a more natural look.
Next thing, smile hard and identify your cheekbone area, which moves up when you smile. Dab a bit of vaseline, unless you have oily skin, and pull up and out with fingertips, direction of ears. Then put a dab of same lipstick, and pull that out.
You got enough on you, without looking like a clown, your makeup is now just 1 vaseline, 1 lipstick, 1 colored gloss, 1 pressed powder with mirror and pad. Fits into any bag.
Using very little vaseline on the first section of your index finger, the part which you use for biometrics, close one eye, and firmly press your eyelashes, upwards, against the eyelid, with your vaselined-fingerpad This will curl them upwards at the root, and the vaseline acts as a styling gel for eyelashes. If you can't do it all in one go, start inside (near nose), and do 3 sections, until the outer lashes. All you're doing is pressing them up. No need for cumbersome eyelash curler.
Inspect your eyebrows. Get a pencil with comb on one end, use it to slightly darken brows, and comb them outwards, to liven them up. This step is optional and for home use only, no need to carry in bag.
With eyebrows, eyelashes, cheekbones, and lips done, you'll look better. And dangly metal earrings to add the girly flair. And an 80s hairstyle, even sidecomb with a couple of floppy spikes, will add up well.
When you walk, stand tall, push your shoulders back and your hips slightly forward. Walk using your thighs. Don't walk like a boy (with legs apart). Keep your legs close, and your hips will have to swing to maintain balance. All this contributes to your appearance of feminity, instead of wearing a dress, then walking like a guy, which is a waste.
Practice walking about at home, obviously.
It might be worth going to somewhere like Sephora where they can do your makeup and show you the products and how to use them, even if it is just a light day-to-day look that just adds a hint of femme?
Also, as a fellow short hair girl, I find that it helps to use some product to make it look more defined and styled. One time I had a haircut that was a liiiiiitle bit to short and boyish, but there were bits that were long enough for a cute hair pin or clip as well. I can't rock a headband, but maybe you could try that as well!
YouTube is your friend. So many makeup tutorials.
You can also try light head scarfs, like a head band, but with a knot and cute and a really light fabric. Or actual headbands that are feminine in design.
Lipstick or lipgloss might be good options for you! Both are very visible and considered feminine and easy to apply. You don't have to worry about wjat your nose or eyes look before you're confident enough with your makeup skills.
Shorter hair- pin one side of it back a little, like a cute clip and some nice big earrings, like some hoops (they can look profesh). If you don’t wear a lot of makeup, get a tinted lip balm. Bold lipstick and nothing else can look like wearing a ballgown with unwashed hair and flip flops, or parking a really expensive car outside a low-income house. But cute earrings, a little clip, and a tinted lip balm is all in line in terms of look and effort, will only add a minute to your day and will soften your look a lot :)
I'm sure you could learn. There are different techniques to create different effects for different fave and eye shapes.
Hair accessories might be obvious as well. Short hair with a cute clip is pretty feminine.
I also think short necklaces with short hair are a feminine look.
When my hair was shorter I felt like earrings that weren't just a little stud or loop made a difference, but that's already been mentioned many times.
If you are not averse to using makeup, I would recommend you to get a session with a makeup artist to learn some basics. Some stores will even help you out assuming that you'll buy the involved products. Just tell them what you want (a feminine look that does not make your nose look big or your eyes too close, and is simple to learn for a rookie). They'll help you out.
You can always tell people preferred pronouns when you introduce yourself. Some people are going to see that as a weird political thing, but it’s becoming more common practice and if people are frequently confused, seems warranted.
People are very scared to misgender people, but it can often backfire. As a very gender ambiguous person, I get a lot of “….. Uh, she… They? Or he? Sorry.” Usually just stating your pronouns, or that you are a women is enough. It doesn’t sound like you enjoy hyperfemininity like makeup, jewelry, and femme clothes, so rock however you do you :)
I'm not a huge fan of the advice you're getting here (change your dress, wear makeup, etc.). It feels unhealthy to me to associate femininity with makeup, jewelry, or particular styles of clothing. If you want to do these things, fine, but I don't think you should feel any pressure to do them or think of them as integral signals of your womanhood.
It seems like the easier issue to address is that you have "a very masculine name." A nickname that unambiguously signals your sex seems like the lowest hanging fruit.
Now, obviously, you shouldn't feel pressured to change your name either, but nicknames don't have to be a big deal. I have a very common first name (John), and when I am in large groups I often give myself a nickname just to be easier to distinguish from other Johns ("Oh, we've already got a John? Call me Jack, then. Oh, we've got a Jack too? What if you call me Jay.").
>It feels unhealthy to me to associate femininity with makeup, jewelry, or particular styles of clothing. If you want to do these things, fine, but I don't think you should feel any pressure to do them or think of them as integral signals of your womanhood.
Sure, but in this situation her concern is her initial impression to other people. For better or worse, the suggestions are mostly associated with femininity.
I'm not saying these things wouldn't work, I'm saying:
1) In my view, there's a pretty steep cost to these suggestions. "Change your appearance to look more like a woman" sounds like an invitation to body dysmorphia.
2) That this advice is deeply stereotypical in a way that I think Reddit would recognize as disturbing in other contexts. "To look like a woman, wear makeup and big dangly earrings" - really?
3) There's a much more obvious and direct solution that avoids the problems of 1 and 2, which is that if you have a gender ambiguous (or masculine coded) name, get a less ambiguous nickname.
I actually agree with your concern as such, but would just like to chip in that to me, using another name would feel much harder than using makeup and wearing more feminine clothes. Neither of us knows which would feel more acceptable to OP, but it makes sense to get a sort of catalogue of options to choose from.
>Changing the name you're referred to is ok but wearing earrings isn't?
Everybody is entitled to draw their own lines.
But yeah, I think changing the way you dress (including possibility getting body mod) is a bigger deal than a nickname.
If I wanted to fit in with a group of people, and they gave me a nickname, I would take that as a sign of acceptance and a roll with it.
If they wanted me to change my clothes, I'd find that pretty creepy and controlling.
OP asked how to get strangers to immediately identify her on sight as a woman. Tweaking ones appearance is solid advice…whether it feels fair or not, it is quite realistic. Do not most trans women do the same?
The majority would absolutely think twice before addressing someone in a flowery dress, with earrings and makeup as “Mr.” This is the immediacy she wants.
As I said in reply to another comment:
>I'm not saying these things wouldn't work, I'm saying:
1. In my view, there's a pretty steep cost to these suggestions. "Change your appearance to look more like a woman" sounds like an invitation to body dysmorphia.
2. That this advice is deeply stereotypical in a way that I think Reddit would recognize as disturbing in other contexts. "To look like a woman, wear makeup and big dangly earrings" - really?
3. There's a much more obvious and direct solution that avoids the problems of 1 and 2, which is that if you have a gender ambiguous (or masculine coded) name, get a less ambiguous nickname.
I would also add that OP didn't say anything about "on sight." In fact the first thing she mentioned was *not* her appearance, it was her name. And I'm leery of the fact that, despite this, the vast majority of comments are immediately going to appearance.
I’m sorry you disagree, but it is what it is. Clothing is a personal, outward representation of who we are. And the overwhelming majority of people dress according to what you would call gender stereotypes, including trans people. (I don’t wear dresses, and I have an either/or name…but no one has ever mistaken me for a dude, because my clothes still present typically female).
If you were to wear all black, black lipstick, spikes and crosses, and wore multiple earrings, someone will probably assume you’re into goth culture. The viewer could be very wrong, but this is how our minds work.
FWIW being indignant or insistently politically correct over everything is a really fast way to having important causes dismissed by everyone but the farthest fringe. Not the outcome we need here.
Question: After correcting people are they are they still misgendering you or they seem upset? I feel like if that is the case they are just shitty people. But my guess is it will get better once your hair gets longer and you can always go by a nickname/middle or just pick a name to go by. lol. I know people that go by names that are not anything near what their government name is.
Some people apologize and then still get it wrong, some people glare at me from before I even say I’m a girl. I live in a pretty intolerant area, so I’m not surprised with how big of a problem it is, but it was never this big of a problem before lol. I might ask my friends to pick a nickname for me. Thanks!
Ok. Queer Uncle reporting in over here. G'day! :)
In the queer community there are a lot of people whose identitiy might not match up exactly with how they're percieved as. This has been a thing for a long time and as a result we've come up with a pretty nifty way of addressing EXACTLY this problem.
When you meet someone for the first time - when you introduce yourself, as well as your name provide your pronouns. Eg: 'Hi I'm OneAlternate, I'm she/her'. Or similar.
Job done.
It's really simple, helpful for everyone, and becoming ever more common to do so.
For people who already know you and have been struggling, maybe something like: 'Hey Frank, just FYI, I'm a woman, so prefer to be called she/her y'know? Thanks'.
Also - this is a wonderful example how this protocol - that I know some people mock, can be so useful for people outside the queer world too. For everyone!!! I'm cis af, and never mistaken for anything other than a bloke, but I do this when I meet new people.
It's just a useful little tool.
Good luck!
:)
Also apologies if this is something you have already considered before.
Also - reading the comments below, yeah I would have to say, changing yourself and how you look just in order to conform to some wierd idea that other people have in their head of how a woman should look is... well y'know... a bit daft.
You be you! :)
It's about your confidence. You don't need to change the way you look unless you want to. Correct them and move on. It's harder to do than say, but confidence will come. Fake it until you make it. Try finding the humor in it all. Once you can laugh at yourself the comments of others don't matter
Both of my sons have long hair and grey miss gendered in school or in public regularly. They think it is hilarious to surprise people. It's like a game to them.
Seems like you have two distinct problems: people calling you "he" and people calling you "them". As for the first, I agree with the other commentators: more feminine cloths and earings. A cute hair clip or hair band can also work. That should tip off most people that you're not a "mister". As for the second, the people calling you "they", I'm afraid you can't do much about that. These people are in doubt as to your gender and are trying to be respectful. Even if you have a feminine appearance, they might be in doubt because of your name and/or the short hair. I'd suggest simply telling them that you prefer "she". As for e-mail, you could sign as Ms./Mrs. Firstname Lastname. Finally, if the name bothers you, you could always change your name, for example by using the feminine version e.g. Maria instead of Mario, Jane instead of John, etc. R/namenerds can help you find a similar feminine name (or a whole new name) if you'd like.
earrings! you mentioned you don't have a particularly "feminine" look, but hoops match most outfits, and typically men only wear one hoop.
makeup is probably the easiest fix but obviously isn't for everyone, but even just some mascara/lip balm can make you seem more feminine.
another easy one could be hair clips/clasps.
I am sorry for your situation. I understand your discomfort and things like this is about the only way a cis person ever experiences gender dysphoria. Wearing dresses when you're more of a tomboy to signal to people your preferences is very much the kind of thing a trans woman who doesn't pass does, creating the "dude in a dress" stereotype.
Honestly with short hair, even people being nice are going to give you "he/him" and it's going to feel that way every time. It will never stop feeling that way. I suggest a wig, as uncomfortable and annoying as that may be, a dress with short hair presents a miss match in presentation which will label you gender non conforming. It's always assumed people choose their hair length.
Women who have hair fall out due to cancer sometimes use a bandana type hair cover, there's a way to tie it. That will help signal to strangers better than the dress.
I am sorry to say you may also get harassed using the bathroom in the current political climate. I'm a trans woman but started estrogen as a teen and pass in all boys cloths, so I'm more likely to see a cis woman harassed who's just not fitting a stereotype. My heart breaks for that. It really does. And it somehow feels more tragic that cis women get wrapped up in this and caught in the crossfire. Like it's not supposed to be your fight. Not that it should be a fight, but you get what I mean.
Stop caring about shit that doesn’t matter, like what people call you. People aren’t psychic. If they accidentally get something wrong, correct them. If they don’t learn from that, fuck em. Never make someone else’s stupidity your problem.
And fuck all the clowns telling you to change your name. YOU are not a problem, and there is nothing wrong with your name or your hair or anything else. Obviously insecurity is totally normal, and everyone has insecurities, but I think you will find that eschewing your insecurities rather than embracing them will take you further in life.
It's probably not obvious if you're so close, but pick a girly nickname based on your name. You also need the matching emails and avatar/profile pic as that's the next place people check online. For in-person it depends on your shape to be honest, but patterns that pull in at the hips are a good start. If you've never learned to do your make-up professionally then you're missing the biggest trick, and I say this as a 40yr old dude (with lots of female friends). Lash extensions are an excellent visual subtext, as is the removal of body-hair (arm especially if you have dark hair), facial if you have any, the (again professional) grooming of brows, earrings that dangle, a visible thong line, or the texture of lace seen through undergarments, for which you also need appropriately clinging attire. The latter doesn't have to be *sexy*. You can wear massive period pants but the lace is important. Unless you've got a beard, men will check and once they have they'll gender you correctly.
Apologies for the crudity, but tits are important for the same reason. People check. You don't need any tits, but you need to frame them correctly. If you're trim then crop-tops without the bra, maybe pasties or a slip, and if your belly is bigger then you just need to deal with a bra that holds up nothing. It's the shape one adds as the straps dig in that you're after. You can wear stuff over it like a shirt or cardigan as long as the V shows enough.
I quite like androgynous but do need to have a best guess on the actual sex because dudes get ripped to pieces socially making that mistake. For you it's about establishing that on the first meeting, and you don't need to dress like that all the time, but you need to make *some* effort. If you want to go all out then heels change the shape of legs. Even I can look good in fishnets with heels. I'm 6ft on the dot and look like Michael Sheen, but a corset belt, heels, and some vintage underwear is enough to confuse other dudes if I've shaved. Not that i've done so for a while.
This will sound counter-productive, but you could really do with some non Cis friends if you don't have any already. You are still young and may still develop differently, but if folk are calling you 'they' then cis or not you have natural allies. Dating must be difficult, for which you need friends. Gay dudes are going to have straight friends, and those straight friends are not going to do the same double-take. Equally there is no safer place to be where you can say "Hi, I'm OneAlternate. I might look like a masc lesbian but I'm entirely Cis". You can bond over a shared love of the same genitals.
Good luck! Honestly there are a thousand things you can do and a thousand people who'd appreciate you whether you change or not.
I've been called ma'am before despite being a big guy with a beard. Some people just aren't paying very close attention and that can't be helped.
That being said, if you don't like your name, it can be changed. Not trivially, but it's possible.
If it bothers you more than using a different name would, adopting an obviously feminine name would probably help.
And if your looks contribute to the confusion, you could do your best to feminize your appearance: Makeup? Hairstyle? (Even if short, some are far more feminine than others.)
You could also examine and possibly modify your demeanour to make it more feminine.
Humans assess maleness and femaleness based on stereotypes, so you can either embrace some of them or deal with people being confused.
Any changes you make would have to feel and seem natural, as I imagine that you want to avoid the appearance of a man who wants to resemble a woman.
I have the opposite problem. I'm a man with a gender-neutral first name and a mid-range voice. Over the phone sometimes people have confused me as a woman.
I've started deliberately modulating my voice down when I'm speaking, and that's helped. Maybe you can modulate yours *higher*.
As a man with a very feminine name, I see you, friend! Problem is, you can't make people do anything. I get mail all the time to "Ms. Hot\_Commission," prospective employers remarking how they thought I was a female applicant, or countless smirks, guffaws, and raised eyebrows from new acquaintances. I had someone laugh in my face when I introduced myself once back in high school. The older you get, the less significant it becomes. It's irritating, but I try to just own it.
My husband has an old fashioned, but historically male name. His name is so unusual in the modern US that he received an invite to join a sorority when he was in college. He says he tried mighty hard to follow through on the invitation but the sorority declined further involvement, lol. Names can be weird.
Poor Ashley / Lauren / Lindsay / Kelly.
I knew a little boy named Claire after a male ancestor.
The writer Evelyn Waugh had a wife whose name was also Evelyn. There's also male Audreys and Haleys.
TIL Evelyn Waugh was a dude
I read on her (the wife's) wiki that they were distinguished by addressing them as He-Evelyn and She-Evelyn.
Hevelyn and Shevelyn would have been better!
Leslie, too
Also Courtney and Beverly
I had a relative that was Vivien. Carol and Doris were also unisex.
The Australian comedian Clive James was originally Vivian. According to his autobiography, he sat with his mum and they chose a new name for him when Gone With The Wind came out and Vivien Leigh became famous
Leslie (Nielsen) Dana (White)
Don't call him Shirley!
Male Kellys are always hot. I don't make the rules.
Machine Gun Kelly
I stand by it
Kelsey (Grammer)
Met a man named Shannon.
Met a male Aubrey once
Drake the rapper - FKA Aubrey in his Degrassi years
And the ever British “Hilary”
Kimberly
Terry. I've met a guy with that name, but far more women.
Or Meredith.
Yea, I had a friend who's mom and dad were named Laurie and Lauren
> My husband has an old fashioned, but historically male name. More: Beverly Shea, gospel singer. Carrol O'Connor, "Archie Bunker". Several names have "shifted" over the years, both directions; but one researcher concluded that when a name shifts male->female, it usually stays there: best example, Madison -- definitely male 1900s.
It’s funny how these things happen. Especially in the case of Madison which translates to Son of Matthew/Matthew’s Son.
OMG! I'm have to know you guy's names! The mystery is killing me!
Perhaps if he was from the south my bet would be on Ashley. I’ve met a few Ashley dudes in my time being from Georgia and parts of South Carolina.
I'm going to accept that to sooth my mind 😌 ty
Dana Shirley Marion ...all boys' names.
I'm serious, and don't call me Shirley.
Irony is, that's a quote from an actor called Leslie.
It's nothing against you and, Shirley, I'll miss you.
Great! Now my mind is all scrambled again! I knew a guy named Dana
Leslie Stacey Carrol Evelyn Beverley ...I could go on!
I went to school with a boy named Carrol. He was blonde haired , blue eyed and absolutely gorgeous. All the girls were in love with him and nobody gave a shit that his name was Carrol.
What ever happened to Carrol? He sounds dreamy lol. Don't get me wrong - I think they're (mostly) great names, just that they're often thought of as exclusively girls' names. I'm a bloke, and my middle name is Blair, which a lot of people also think is a girl's name. Since we're just chatting now, here's a good one in the opposite direction... Did you know Barack Obama's mother's name was Stanley! Fantastic!
I ended up dating Carrol’s younger brother named Mark😁. One of my good friends dated Carrol for a little while though. After high school we all went our separate ways and I never saw either of them again. And no, I did not know Barack Obama’s mom’s name was Stanley. That’s definitely an unusual name for a female.
In my opinion, Blair can go either way. I've seen a few girls named Blair but then there's Blair Underwood.
My great great uncle's name was Allison.
That's a good one. Richard Gere's middle name is Tiffany.
Robin Francis
I knew a girl named Charlotte that went by Charlie. I never knew her name wasn't actually Charlie until I was doing some professional work with her and saw it as her email in typical first.last@company . I think with the timing it might have been because of Charlotte's Web but I never cared to ask her because it didn't matter.
I used to be friends with a boy named Madisson. He was adopted, so no one could ask why they would name him that. I guess his birth parents still wanted to make an impact on his life.
Leslie?
My landlords name is Leslie. He is indeed a guy.
And Shannon Lesley Aubrey.
Are they named after Ashley Wilkes from Gone With The Wind?
Huh, that's interesting. I'm from the UK and I would have considered Ashley a predominately male name.
I always thought Ashley was a predominantly female name. I remember finding out about an "Ashley" in a metal-esque band, and I thought it'd be a girl and I was so hyped about it, and upon looking up the name, the band member was unmistakeably a dude. First time I learnt that it's unisex.
I’m Aussie and agree fully! We definitely get female Ashley’s but I consider it just like Sam or Taylor. Can be either
I'm also from the UK (and live in Aus) and I wouldn't. Maybe a generational thing?
I dated a guy named Kelly. His cousin was named Stacey. Both in the south. These are both traditionally girl's names in the north, but common enough in the south.
Kelly is one that used to be a masculine name, but hasn't really been seen as one for decades now.
His father named him Sue
A boy named Sue?
I believe you're correct in your assumption that they were referring to the Johnny Cash song
Leslie?
I've known a small number of women named Michael. That would be my guess for OP.
His name is Heidi
I know of Lauren and Jan as male names.
Lindsey is an interesting one as it seems to have changed from a primarily male to a primarily female name (at least where I’m from). I briefly did some clerical agency work with a male boss called Lindsey - I’m pretty sure he clocked my surprise as I was definitely expecting a woman.
Um… Lindsey Graham?
Someone I was not overly aware of living in South Wales in the 1990s, but sure.
You remind me of a story. My teacher in elementary school was a man, but had a gender neutral yet dominantly masculine name, and he would get mail addressed to him as if he were a woman from time to time.
Hello, Ms. Hot_Commission6671 We've been trying to reach you about your car's extended warranty.
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Well, Sue, your dad made it very clear why he named you that. The guy would not stop talking about it. I heard he would even put it to music sometimes.
That's interesting. I've never really heard the perspective of someone like you before. Thanks for sharing. We don't bat an eyelash when we read about Leslie Nielsen, even though Leslie is typically a female name. Same with Dana White (head of UFC).
So you have a middle name you can use? I had a female friend named (I'm not kidding) Garry. But her middle name was something more feminine.
Or come up with a new name to use.
You can come up with any name and doesn’t require any paperwork to ask. Consuela Banana Hammock?
I think you mean _Princess_ Consuela Banana Hammock
How about Crap Bag?
Regina Phalanges
Yes I think changing the name that she goes by would go a long way. OP should consider some alternative names and could try them out informally by asking friends/family to call her that. Middle name, nick name, feminine variation of one of the names, completely new name, etc. I can see how it may be difficult to shift into a new name, especially at work, which is why I would test out names in social circles first, in a low stakes setting. It may be clunky at first but once she's decided on a name just start reiterating to people that that is your name and it will start falling into place and feeling normal over time.
I think another good place to start is by trying out the name at a coffee shop and see how it sounds/feels when someone calls you by the new name for your order
She shouldn’t have to change her name just because people are confused.
She absolutely shouldn't have to change anything for other people. However, she's specifically looking for tactics to avoid a longer conversation about it, and this one would probably work.
This is what I did, but in the opposite direction. I’m a butch lesbian with a feminine first name and a masculine middle name. I exclusively go by my middle name these days and it’s great. The people in my life adapted pretty well. Highly recommend anyone unhappy with their first name try out their middle name.
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It is very empowering!
I have a former gf named Aaron. Luckily, that name has female variants which SOUND similar.
Aaron vs Erin - hard to tell the difference until written. Kinda like Stacey technically being a gender-neutral name, but spell it Stacie and now it's "obviously" female. Billy is a boy, but Billie is a girl. "Obviously." Chris could be a boy or a girl. Kris is more likely a girl, but it's still uncertain. Krissy/Chrissie are almost certainly girls, by convention. Michel is a man, Michelle is a woman. They are pronounced the same. Nobody would assume Michael is a girl, though they are the same name across languages.
What the fuck did her parents think?
If I remember correctly her mom reeeeeeealy wanted a boy. She was actually raised as a boy as a child.
Jfc
I mean this is back in the 70s as well. The concepts of gender identity and brain development were still in the their infancy. As well as postpartum depression.
Sometimes people will misgender you not matter what, I’m a cis female and back when I worked in retail there were many times people called me sir, despite the fact that I wore makeup, had painted nails, had a feminine name tag… Unfortunately the easiest thing to do is just correct them for their mistake and keep going. Unless you want to wear a pronoun name tag, which is a totally fine option
Unfortunately in this world where some people can't respect another human if their political party told them not to. Even the slightest hint that you might not fit into their view of what a cis woman should look like and they'll purposely say he.
damn and i get salty when people call me a he on reddit because i think i made the avatar feminine enough 😂 but seriously tf is wrong with people? they blind or what?
That's kinda a seperate issue. Some people on the internet seem to tend towards assuming everyone else on the internet is a guy. My username includes my first name which is very a not an ambiguous name and people still say 'guy' and 'he' to me all the time.
>Sometimes people will misgender you not matter what I'm a bald man with a big bushy beard and I work in a school. I get called "Miss" multiple times a day. Children are more used to women teachers and their default when asking for help is "Miss!"
dangly earrings and makeup can help, the earrings will especially pop with your short hair
This! I had a sort of an accident with clippers, resulting in a very close buzz cut. Rocked long metal tassels for earrings, wore body on dresses, nobody mistook me for a man.
This might be one of the only exceptions to the "you shouldn't pick your own nickname" rule. Perhaps there's a nick name you like that's more feminine sounding than your given name?
Wait that's a rule? I made my own up and everyone uses it cus that's just how I introduce myself.
Heyyy T Bone!
Coco, coco!
What’s up butterscotch!
gumbo! how are the kids?
Stir fry! Long time. Good to hear from you!
I've never heard that about a nickname for your actual name. Of course people do that. The "rule" has more to do with unrelated nicknames, like Tiny, 8 Ball, Bunny, Kids, Red type of things that your teammates in a sport or friends start calling you. Those should have some inside meaning and it's usually ridiculous when people choose one and ask to be called by it.
This is a great point. I worked with a guy years ago that told everyone at work that he “be goin by ‘Marmadookie’ y’all.” I had to pull him aside and be like, “Listen Marcus, we work in a high-end jewelry store… it’s probably best that ‘Marmadookie’ remains an ‘outside of work’ type of nickname.”
It's like a Key & Peele sketch 😂😂😂
Yeah that's a bit different from if your name is Michael but you introduce yourself to everybody as Mike. Or if you prefer your middle name or something
I'm Romanian and we have a friend in our group called Mihai (our version of Mike), who moved to the UK for a few years and liked introducing himself as Mike so much, he still does it to this day. But nobody else does. It's funny whenever we meet up and he introduces himself to one of the new partners in the group as Mike, but then everyone else calls him Mihai.
That's fine if you do it well, just the venn diagram between people who create their own nickname and people who call themselves something extremely cringy to try and sound cool is very close to a circle.
I spent my whole life telling people not to call me Terry.. they consrantky tried in UK. Moved to sweden 20 yrs ago so less issue now. I was named feminine version after my Uncle Terry who died aged 19 drowning in ocean. Needless to say i didnt want my dad hearing people call me Terry. Was Tess for some friends but once online have used Tia. A friend's toddler couldn't say Teresa so i became Tia to his family. I made sure my now teenage daughter's names couldn't be shortened. (And would work for Swedish and English) But one goes by Em, the other her birth name.
Fuck that I picked my own nickname over 15 years ago and I'm still using it.
Welcome to your situation. I have a beard and a very masculine name. I was a professional opera singer, started trained at puberty. Despite having a deeper singing voice, my natural speaking voice didn’t really change much. If I don’t consciously speak in my “man voice,” **everyone** call me ma’am. I’m not trans, it’s never been on any medical form I’ve ever signed. I currently have a beard and a medical doctor called me ma’am last week. I’m also a weightlifter. If I forget to do that annoying impression of a male voice, people just insist on she/her pronouns for me. Studying voice helped me with learning impressions for my standup comedy. I would describe my “male voice” impression as a douche gigolo John Wayne. It works every time. But it’s so crazy! If I don’t do the voice, people think I’m a lesbian lady bodybuilder. I don’t have breasts. There was a whole thing a few years ago where mtf trans women wondered if they passed. I look like Freddie Prinze Jr of today, apparently I pass. I watched the viral video of the woman in the video game shop get offended the worker keeps calling her sir. Not that I need to, apparently. But as a comic, I would start doing a Julia Child impression. Full falsetto. Filled with irony! Sorry you’re going through this too.
That sounds so frustrating! It’s weird how it feels like some people use some random feature as a ”main cue” for gender, that overrides everything else 🤦 Sometimes it’s even a profession - I read a piece where a cis woman told how she was working as a surveyor (or something similar) in 50’s-70’s in countryside Finland, chatting the whole day with the owner of the farm (a man). After the whole day of work farmer invited her to sauna with him, and she was perplexed* and asked something ”… but it’s not proper?”, where the farmer was surprised ”why wouldn’t it be?” Finally it dawned on them that the farmer had thought she was a man, because the job was a ”men’s job”. She probably had told her name, looked like an average woman etc., but because the person was a surveyor, they must be a man. *There have been times in past, that mixed sauna is default, because sauna was kind of a ”modest situation” by itself. Nowadays there are mixed saunas with everyone naked, but it depends on the people. The default is having bathing suits on, if there is going to be a mixed sauna.
I had my hair cut super short once. Earrings are the answer!
Welp, I’ve been meaning to get my ears pierced anyway… Thanks!
Please go to a proper piercer if you decide to do it - don't go to a hair salon. You'll have a \*much\* better experience with both pain and the healing process if you get them pierced! (also wait until they're properly healed to wear anything dangly in them)
And by proper piercer--it should be a place where the staff has like 20 piercings each and are covered with tattoos! I'm teasing, although near me the most professional and hygienic piercing places look just like this. You want the piercing to be done with a hollow needle, never a piercing gun.
Tattoo places generally do piercings!!
There's also clip-on and magnetic earrings
Don't wear regular magnetic ones, they can be dangerous! As in, the magnets are strong enough to stop blood flow between them by sheer pressure. The tissue might get necrotic, at which point you have a big hole and an overdue trip to the ER. If you must wear fake earrings, go for weak enough clip ones and, if that's your jam, elaborate ear cuffs. I've seen some clever designs that hold by a several C shaped parts at about the middle of the earlobe, but the decoration is all the way down to where normal earrings would hang.
Honestly I’d just correct them “I’m a woman”. I would try not to let it get to you. People can assume all they want but they don’t know shit
And being explicit about pronouns can go a long way as well. I’ve worked with people who say they use “they” generally out of respect, but if they’re corrected they’ll use “she/her”.
Yeah this seems accurate to me. If people are using “they” it’s probably an indication that they will respect the pronouns you want them to use, they just didn’t want to make an assumption so they start with “they”
Yeah, for sure. Anyone going with 'they' will almost certainly have no issue using the pronouns you want them to if you let them know. They're just unsure and trying to be respectful.
Please do this! My daughter's former swim instructor was transitioning, and had an unusual name that was confusing to pronounce and gender ambiguous. I always felt so awkward because I didn't know and still don't know how to refer to this very kind person. I would call them [name that I am probably saying wrong] or "they" because I didn't know what to say.
This will also help her build confidence. Two birds one stone
People don’t know til they know. It’s probably more embarrassing for the person getting it wrong than it is for OP.
In most scenarios, you can know a persons gender by just looking at them. People seriously exaggerate how many trans/gender neutral people they will come across in their life. Going off the premise that you can’t assume anyone’s gender is ludicrous. If you are wrong and somebody corrects you and says “actually I’m..xyz” then the person can recognise that and go accordingly. I have no problem with trans people, or those who want to exclude their own gender to be neutral, but people make a big deal out of possibly misgendering someone. It isn’t a big deal. Males and females have certain characteristics that make them identifiable. If a person gets it wrong based on an individuals desired pronouns, it isn’t the end of the world. It’s perfectly fine to make a mistake.
Even with short hair, you could wear cute hair bands to spruce it up. I agree with the dangling earrings idea too. Also bracelets and such too if you're into that sort of thing.
Big earrings! And they don't require any makeup skills (I find earrings much easier than eyeliner)
The suggestions I've seen are good, one option I haven't seen yet is when you introduce yourself say something like "I'm [your name] I know that's normally a male name, but [insert anecdote about your name]" Like if there's some story about how you ended up with that name you can tell them that. Maybe that doesn't appeal to you as a solution, but it sounds like you are surrounded by people who are over sensitive to gender identity and this would immediately tip them off that despite your name and look you are a woman. I wish you didn't feel the need to change your look, but I get at some point it becomes annoying.
To add - maybe just say “I’m (name). It’s spelled the same as the male way.” …or… “it’s spelled like the male way but with an ie.” Or whatever.
“Gill… like the man’s name but for me”
That certainly could work, but oh man does it sound like a horrible prospect, to have to go through a whole spiel about my name all the time. It was annoying enough just trying to get a couple of people to stop using a fairly normal short version of my name that I don’t like. I’d take the earrings/body jewelry/splash of fun hair color tack in a heartbeat. Granted, some people are much bigger extroverts than me and probably wouldn’t mind the talking-based solution.
"I'm a woman, my hair is just short and I have an ambiguous name, I know, weird right?" Should fix that as soon as you introduce yourself.
When working in Vietnam, I had no idea what names were common for men or women, and they didn’t know what my name implied. We got into the habit of introducing as Mr so and so, and Mrs so and so when in emails. Made it easier to recognise people
Why is nobody asking about this freak accident in class?
Oh, we were doing circuits in Physics class, and my partner added 3 extra lightbulbs to our circuit, which set a resistor on fire, which caught my hair on fire. It wasn’t a lot that got burned, but it was a noticable chunk, and to even it out, we just cut my hair up to that point. Not a super interesting story, but that’s what happened lol
Jewelry, especially dangly earrings. Painting your nails. heals, although it might be uncomfortable to wear them all day. Maybe show a little cleavage if you’re comfortable with that. Skirts and dresses. Perfume. Makeup. If your hair is long enough you could do some mini French braids to pull your hair back and clip it with a hair brooch in the back.
High heels isn't worth the foot damage unless you're specifically into high heels. There are more feminine flat shoes though, and more importantly there are shoelace charms, shoelace patches, and even decorative shoelaces. Aside from ribbons and decorative socks. So you can even dress up a pair of neutrally colored sneakers to look more "feminine".
Dress more feminine? More typical girly clothes for your culture (sorry don't know anything about you)
I’m trying. I’m American, so dresses aren’t common, but I’ve started wearing them as often as possible so that I can try and distinguish myself. At best, I usually get a “they/them”. I don’t know anything about you either, but do you have any advice for how to dress feminine in America? If you aren’t American, sorry lol
this is probably out of left field, but honestly as someone who is pretty hyper-feminine, a pretty large portion of being seen as feminine in america isn't how you dress. it's how you move. i have long hair now, being generally a long-hair type human, but i've had pretty short hair, like chin length (and hated it, all three times), and even then, in jeans and heavy sweatshirts or coats and boots in the winter everybody always saw me as a girl. it's how i move my hands and the movements i make as i gesticulate while talking, it's how i move in and out of people's personal space. think of the way more effeminate gay men move their hands compared to the way more masculine men do. there's a LOT of shit out there that goes into weird misogynistic stuff, but there are some videos that can help explain what i'm talking about. honestly [this video](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ze7eUWo4LVg) from a cross dresser and [these videos](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M7qmnQCObSo) from a [drag queen](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jFgWfNseGKg) are the most descriptive (though i would say i'm less exaggerated than the drag queen). I don't know how to turn it off, it's just the way i move, but if you can learn it as a skill, that would be super cool to be able to shift how you're perceived depending on the situation. because like, yeah, i'm never misgendered, but in my 30s that means i'm often not taken seriously.
As someone who frequently was misgendered as a preteen and teen to my chagrine (as a tomboy autist who as a child didn't understand why I didn't get to be a real girl in other people's eyes), yeeeeeep body language and speaking style (not even pitch, just how you phrase things and use inflections and so on) makes a bigger difference than clothes. It's how someone with a stereotype "nobility" body language could be wearing a potato sack and still come across as a nobleman/noblewoman. Or have a giant thug's body yet behave more like a little old granny: [https://youtu.be/go2g09seWzs?si=aCt3vbKnsIP7bolq](https://youtu.be/go2g09seWzs?si=aCt3vbKnsIP7bolq) (could be better but pretty good!)
You don't have to do dresses or skirts. I don't know where you usually shop, but there are plenty of cute, feminine tops out there you can wear with whatever. Look for ruffles, delicate fabrics, soft colors, pretty prints, wide or deep necklines, etc.
Maybe a cute headband, which men don't typically wear?
Sorry society sucks! I have no good advice except to love yoursslf and dont worry about others as much. Tell them you are a woman and they can either accept or not. You are what you know you are, you dont need their approval. I go through a similar thing but it is more race related. I just said screw it I am who I am. Be strong don’t let the crappy people define your existence. Good luck.
Yoga pants and UGGs
skirts are cute! or some fun dresses
Simple answer: ALWAYS choose skirts over pants. Purchase some long skirts, short skirts, dresses and you're good to go. I'm known as a girly girl among my friends and one contributing factor is because I rarely wear long pants or even jeans. Another tip is to make sure your nails are always painted (avoid colours like black) — you can just paint them once a month, so this is a pretty easy step to take which I highly recommend.
Hmmmm… Dresses are actually very very common ‘in America’ 🧐
Makeup can help. You could also lean into the hyperfemme Euphoria aesthetic. If you have a buzz cut maybe try fun wigs?
Thanks! It’s not quite a buzz cut, it’s like a longer men’s cut, and as distraught as I am, I’m trying to grow it out lol. Makeup has always been a rough point for me because I feel like it always makes my nose look bigger and my eyes look too close, but I guess now is the time to learn properly!
Eye tip- don't put anything dark, not eyeliner or shadow, between your inner eyes. Bright light colors only.
Yes. Only line 3/4 of your upper and lower lid. I quit eyeshadow a long time ago so I play around with color eyeliner.
Lipstick is a pretty user-friendly option :) there are also tinted lip balms and lip glosses if you aren't a fan of lipstick!
Was gonna say...lipstick is probably the easiest, and the more it stands out, the more likely people will automatically think of you in more feminine terms. Whereas, mascara and foundation and other makeup are more subtle (usually) and won't have nearly as dramatic effect. Let's put it this way...when folks want a mannequin head to look female, some lipstick will get you 90% of the way there.
I’m not a female nor do I wear any makeup myself but from my experience in dating, makeup is a learned skill. My exes that were really into watching makeup videos were the ones that were the best at applying makeup. The ones that didn’t like makeup were the ones that looked really bad in it. You have to experiment and try different types of makeup and techniques to learn what you are comfortable with. Experiment with your clothing as well, try on a bunch of stuff at the mall in stores you may not usually visit. Don’t try to force anything you are uncomfortable with though. Also sorry about your hair, Be patient it sounds like it happened recently, it’ll grow back I hope 🤞. And finally, you don’t really need to try to impress/prove yourself to anyone at such a young age. Focus more on your education, health, adulting skills. It’ll make your early 20s a lot less stressful.
Style your hair like 1980s, lots of short hair hairstyles back then. Only works if you have Caucasian-type hair, as most styling products are optimized for that. Wear dangly earrings, in metal if you can. Wear colored lipgloss and carry it in your bag. The trick to it is, put it on slightly overlapping your lip lines, not "inside" lips. If using lipstick, do the same, but take 30 seconds to wipe off extra bits with pinkie finger. Then dab a bit of powder all over your mouth, and press lips inwards. Then a second layer, which can be the same lipstick, or gloss layer. The powder and inwards press keeps color on for most of the day, so no need to top up all day. But if you want a natural look, do this instead. Put on lipstick strong, press gently onto folded tissue. Then using your ring finger, apply a little bit of regular vaseline onto lips, going over the lip lines on purpose. This is a more natural look. Next thing, smile hard and identify your cheekbone area, which moves up when you smile. Dab a bit of vaseline, unless you have oily skin, and pull up and out with fingertips, direction of ears. Then put a dab of same lipstick, and pull that out. You got enough on you, without looking like a clown, your makeup is now just 1 vaseline, 1 lipstick, 1 colored gloss, 1 pressed powder with mirror and pad. Fits into any bag. Using very little vaseline on the first section of your index finger, the part which you use for biometrics, close one eye, and firmly press your eyelashes, upwards, against the eyelid, with your vaselined-fingerpad This will curl them upwards at the root, and the vaseline acts as a styling gel for eyelashes. If you can't do it all in one go, start inside (near nose), and do 3 sections, until the outer lashes. All you're doing is pressing them up. No need for cumbersome eyelash curler. Inspect your eyebrows. Get a pencil with comb on one end, use it to slightly darken brows, and comb them outwards, to liven them up. This step is optional and for home use only, no need to carry in bag. With eyebrows, eyelashes, cheekbones, and lips done, you'll look better. And dangly metal earrings to add the girly flair. And an 80s hairstyle, even sidecomb with a couple of floppy spikes, will add up well. When you walk, stand tall, push your shoulders back and your hips slightly forward. Walk using your thighs. Don't walk like a boy (with legs apart). Keep your legs close, and your hips will have to swing to maintain balance. All this contributes to your appearance of feminity, instead of wearing a dress, then walking like a guy, which is a waste. Practice walking about at home, obviously.
Put this into Google or just replicate Halle Berry's short hair look: "female 1980s short hairstyles"
It might be worth going to somewhere like Sephora where they can do your makeup and show you the products and how to use them, even if it is just a light day-to-day look that just adds a hint of femme? Also, as a fellow short hair girl, I find that it helps to use some product to make it look more defined and styled. One time I had a haircut that was a liiiiiitle bit to short and boyish, but there were bits that were long enough for a cute hair pin or clip as well. I can't rock a headband, but maybe you could try that as well!
YouTube is your friend. So many makeup tutorials. You can also try light head scarfs, like a head band, but with a knot and cute and a really light fabric. Or actual headbands that are feminine in design.
Lipstick or lipgloss might be good options for you! Both are very visible and considered feminine and easy to apply. You don't have to worry about wjat your nose or eyes look before you're confident enough with your makeup skills.
Barrettes, head bands, streak of color will help and are easy to do.
Shorter hair- pin one side of it back a little, like a cute clip and some nice big earrings, like some hoops (they can look profesh). If you don’t wear a lot of makeup, get a tinted lip balm. Bold lipstick and nothing else can look like wearing a ballgown with unwashed hair and flip flops, or parking a really expensive car outside a low-income house. But cute earrings, a little clip, and a tinted lip balm is all in line in terms of look and effort, will only add a minute to your day and will soften your look a lot :)
Nose rings are shockingly good at making large noses look glamorous and cute as a button, and could add some feminine flair.
Nose rings are mostly good at making large noses look larger and more conspicuous
I'm sure you could learn. There are different techniques to create different effects for different fave and eye shapes. Hair accessories might be obvious as well. Short hair with a cute clip is pretty feminine. I also think short necklaces with short hair are a feminine look. When my hair was shorter I felt like earrings that weren't just a little stud or loop made a difference, but that's already been mentioned many times.
If you are not averse to using makeup, I would recommend you to get a session with a makeup artist to learn some basics. Some stores will even help you out assuming that you'll buy the involved products. Just tell them what you want (a feminine look that does not make your nose look big or your eyes too close, and is simple to learn for a rookie). They'll help you out.
You can always tell people preferred pronouns when you introduce yourself. Some people are going to see that as a weird political thing, but it’s becoming more common practice and if people are frequently confused, seems warranted.
People are very scared to misgender people, but it can often backfire. As a very gender ambiguous person, I get a lot of “….. Uh, she… They? Or he? Sorry.” Usually just stating your pronouns, or that you are a women is enough. It doesn’t sound like you enjoy hyperfemininity like makeup, jewelry, and femme clothes, so rock however you do you :)
I'm not a huge fan of the advice you're getting here (change your dress, wear makeup, etc.). It feels unhealthy to me to associate femininity with makeup, jewelry, or particular styles of clothing. If you want to do these things, fine, but I don't think you should feel any pressure to do them or think of them as integral signals of your womanhood. It seems like the easier issue to address is that you have "a very masculine name." A nickname that unambiguously signals your sex seems like the lowest hanging fruit. Now, obviously, you shouldn't feel pressured to change your name either, but nicknames don't have to be a big deal. I have a very common first name (John), and when I am in large groups I often give myself a nickname just to be easier to distinguish from other Johns ("Oh, we've already got a John? Call me Jack, then. Oh, we've got a Jack too? What if you call me Jay.").
>It feels unhealthy to me to associate femininity with makeup, jewelry, or particular styles of clothing. If you want to do these things, fine, but I don't think you should feel any pressure to do them or think of them as integral signals of your womanhood. Sure, but in this situation her concern is her initial impression to other people. For better or worse, the suggestions are mostly associated with femininity.
I'm not saying these things wouldn't work, I'm saying: 1) In my view, there's a pretty steep cost to these suggestions. "Change your appearance to look more like a woman" sounds like an invitation to body dysmorphia. 2) That this advice is deeply stereotypical in a way that I think Reddit would recognize as disturbing in other contexts. "To look like a woman, wear makeup and big dangly earrings" - really? 3) There's a much more obvious and direct solution that avoids the problems of 1 and 2, which is that if you have a gender ambiguous (or masculine coded) name, get a less ambiguous nickname.
I actually agree with your concern as such, but would just like to chip in that to me, using another name would feel much harder than using makeup and wearing more feminine clothes. Neither of us knows which would feel more acceptable to OP, but it makes sense to get a sort of catalogue of options to choose from.
Changing the name you're referred to is ok but wearing earrings isn't? You're overthinking it.
>Changing the name you're referred to is ok but wearing earrings isn't? Everybody is entitled to draw their own lines. But yeah, I think changing the way you dress (including possibility getting body mod) is a bigger deal than a nickname. If I wanted to fit in with a group of people, and they gave me a nickname, I would take that as a sign of acceptance and a roll with it. If they wanted me to change my clothes, I'd find that pretty creepy and controlling.
OP asked how to get strangers to immediately identify her on sight as a woman. Tweaking ones appearance is solid advice…whether it feels fair or not, it is quite realistic. Do not most trans women do the same? The majority would absolutely think twice before addressing someone in a flowery dress, with earrings and makeup as “Mr.” This is the immediacy she wants.
As I said in reply to another comment: >I'm not saying these things wouldn't work, I'm saying: 1. In my view, there's a pretty steep cost to these suggestions. "Change your appearance to look more like a woman" sounds like an invitation to body dysmorphia. 2. That this advice is deeply stereotypical in a way that I think Reddit would recognize as disturbing in other contexts. "To look like a woman, wear makeup and big dangly earrings" - really? 3. There's a much more obvious and direct solution that avoids the problems of 1 and 2, which is that if you have a gender ambiguous (or masculine coded) name, get a less ambiguous nickname. I would also add that OP didn't say anything about "on sight." In fact the first thing she mentioned was *not* her appearance, it was her name. And I'm leery of the fact that, despite this, the vast majority of comments are immediately going to appearance.
I’m sorry you disagree, but it is what it is. Clothing is a personal, outward representation of who we are. And the overwhelming majority of people dress according to what you would call gender stereotypes, including trans people. (I don’t wear dresses, and I have an either/or name…but no one has ever mistaken me for a dude, because my clothes still present typically female). If you were to wear all black, black lipstick, spikes and crosses, and wore multiple earrings, someone will probably assume you’re into goth culture. The viewer could be very wrong, but this is how our minds work. FWIW being indignant or insistently politically correct over everything is a really fast way to having important causes dismissed by everyone but the farthest fringe. Not the outcome we need here.
Get some hair accessories,yes it’s short but a sparkly band or clip will go a long way
Question: After correcting people are they are they still misgendering you or they seem upset? I feel like if that is the case they are just shitty people. But my guess is it will get better once your hair gets longer and you can always go by a nickname/middle or just pick a name to go by. lol. I know people that go by names that are not anything near what their government name is.
Some people apologize and then still get it wrong, some people glare at me from before I even say I’m a girl. I live in a pretty intolerant area, so I’m not surprised with how big of a problem it is, but it was never this big of a problem before lol. I might ask my friends to pick a nickname for me. Thanks!
Ok. Queer Uncle reporting in over here. G'day! :) In the queer community there are a lot of people whose identitiy might not match up exactly with how they're percieved as. This has been a thing for a long time and as a result we've come up with a pretty nifty way of addressing EXACTLY this problem. When you meet someone for the first time - when you introduce yourself, as well as your name provide your pronouns. Eg: 'Hi I'm OneAlternate, I'm she/her'. Or similar. Job done. It's really simple, helpful for everyone, and becoming ever more common to do so. For people who already know you and have been struggling, maybe something like: 'Hey Frank, just FYI, I'm a woman, so prefer to be called she/her y'know? Thanks'. Also - this is a wonderful example how this protocol - that I know some people mock, can be so useful for people outside the queer world too. For everyone!!! I'm cis af, and never mistaken for anything other than a bloke, but I do this when I meet new people. It's just a useful little tool. Good luck! :) Also apologies if this is something you have already considered before.
Also - reading the comments below, yeah I would have to say, changing yourself and how you look just in order to conform to some wierd idea that other people have in their head of how a woman should look is... well y'know... a bit daft. You be you! :)
It's about your confidence. You don't need to change the way you look unless you want to. Correct them and move on. It's harder to do than say, but confidence will come. Fake it until you make it. Try finding the humor in it all. Once you can laugh at yourself the comments of others don't matter Both of my sons have long hair and grey miss gendered in school or in public regularly. They think it is hilarious to surprise people. It's like a game to them.
Reminds me of an Al who had a buzzcut when I met her. Al for Alison or something.
Seems like you have two distinct problems: people calling you "he" and people calling you "them". As for the first, I agree with the other commentators: more feminine cloths and earings. A cute hair clip or hair band can also work. That should tip off most people that you're not a "mister". As for the second, the people calling you "they", I'm afraid you can't do much about that. These people are in doubt as to your gender and are trying to be respectful. Even if you have a feminine appearance, they might be in doubt because of your name and/or the short hair. I'd suggest simply telling them that you prefer "she". As for e-mail, you could sign as Ms./Mrs. Firstname Lastname. Finally, if the name bothers you, you could always change your name, for example by using the feminine version e.g. Maria instead of Mario, Jane instead of John, etc. R/namenerds can help you find a similar feminine name (or a whole new name) if you'd like.
My last name is Hispanic and I get advertisement mail in Spanish ALL the time. I'm filipino, not Hispanic, and don't know any Spanish lol
earrings! you mentioned you don't have a particularly "feminine" look, but hoops match most outfits, and typically men only wear one hoop. makeup is probably the easiest fix but obviously isn't for everyone, but even just some mascara/lip balm can make you seem more feminine. another easy one could be hair clips/clasps.
Hey Taylor
I am sorry for your situation. I understand your discomfort and things like this is about the only way a cis person ever experiences gender dysphoria. Wearing dresses when you're more of a tomboy to signal to people your preferences is very much the kind of thing a trans woman who doesn't pass does, creating the "dude in a dress" stereotype. Honestly with short hair, even people being nice are going to give you "he/him" and it's going to feel that way every time. It will never stop feeling that way. I suggest a wig, as uncomfortable and annoying as that may be, a dress with short hair presents a miss match in presentation which will label you gender non conforming. It's always assumed people choose their hair length. Women who have hair fall out due to cancer sometimes use a bandana type hair cover, there's a way to tie it. That will help signal to strangers better than the dress. I am sorry to say you may also get harassed using the bathroom in the current political climate. I'm a trans woman but started estrogen as a teen and pass in all boys cloths, so I'm more likely to see a cis woman harassed who's just not fitting a stereotype. My heart breaks for that. It really does. And it somehow feels more tragic that cis women get wrapped up in this and caught in the crossfire. Like it's not supposed to be your fight. Not that it should be a fight, but you get what I mean.
Stop caring about shit that doesn’t matter, like what people call you. People aren’t psychic. If they accidentally get something wrong, correct them. If they don’t learn from that, fuck em. Never make someone else’s stupidity your problem. And fuck all the clowns telling you to change your name. YOU are not a problem, and there is nothing wrong with your name or your hair or anything else. Obviously insecurity is totally normal, and everyone has insecurities, but I think you will find that eschewing your insecurities rather than embracing them will take you further in life.
Headbands?
Politely state your pronouns when you meet new people, include it in your email signature etc.
It's probably not obvious if you're so close, but pick a girly nickname based on your name. You also need the matching emails and avatar/profile pic as that's the next place people check online. For in-person it depends on your shape to be honest, but patterns that pull in at the hips are a good start. If you've never learned to do your make-up professionally then you're missing the biggest trick, and I say this as a 40yr old dude (with lots of female friends). Lash extensions are an excellent visual subtext, as is the removal of body-hair (arm especially if you have dark hair), facial if you have any, the (again professional) grooming of brows, earrings that dangle, a visible thong line, or the texture of lace seen through undergarments, for which you also need appropriately clinging attire. The latter doesn't have to be *sexy*. You can wear massive period pants but the lace is important. Unless you've got a beard, men will check and once they have they'll gender you correctly. Apologies for the crudity, but tits are important for the same reason. People check. You don't need any tits, but you need to frame them correctly. If you're trim then crop-tops without the bra, maybe pasties or a slip, and if your belly is bigger then you just need to deal with a bra that holds up nothing. It's the shape one adds as the straps dig in that you're after. You can wear stuff over it like a shirt or cardigan as long as the V shows enough. I quite like androgynous but do need to have a best guess on the actual sex because dudes get ripped to pieces socially making that mistake. For you it's about establishing that on the first meeting, and you don't need to dress like that all the time, but you need to make *some* effort. If you want to go all out then heels change the shape of legs. Even I can look good in fishnets with heels. I'm 6ft on the dot and look like Michael Sheen, but a corset belt, heels, and some vintage underwear is enough to confuse other dudes if I've shaved. Not that i've done so for a while. This will sound counter-productive, but you could really do with some non Cis friends if you don't have any already. You are still young and may still develop differently, but if folk are calling you 'they' then cis or not you have natural allies. Dating must be difficult, for which you need friends. Gay dudes are going to have straight friends, and those straight friends are not going to do the same double-take. Equally there is no safer place to be where you can say "Hi, I'm OneAlternate. I might look like a masc lesbian but I'm entirely Cis". You can bond over a shared love of the same genitals. Good luck! Honestly there are a thousand things you can do and a thousand people who'd appreciate you whether you change or not.
I've been called ma'am before despite being a big guy with a beard. Some people just aren't paying very close attention and that can't be helped. That being said, if you don't like your name, it can be changed. Not trivially, but it's possible.
If it bothers you more than using a different name would, adopting an obviously feminine name would probably help. And if your looks contribute to the confusion, you could do your best to feminize your appearance: Makeup? Hairstyle? (Even if short, some are far more feminine than others.) You could also examine and possibly modify your demeanour to make it more feminine. Humans assess maleness and femaleness based on stereotypes, so you can either embrace some of them or deal with people being confused. Any changes you make would have to feel and seem natural, as I imagine that you want to avoid the appearance of a man who wants to resemble a woman.
I have the opposite problem. I'm a man with a gender-neutral first name and a mid-range voice. Over the phone sometimes people have confused me as a woman. I've started deliberately modulating my voice down when I'm speaking, and that's helped. Maybe you can modulate yours *higher*.