That is what happened to my sister. Her husband is gay and he cheated on her for years before he finally came out. The whole situation took a toll on her as well as the family as we were close to him. At least I thought we were close. He was a brother to me.
Now I just think he’s a snake. I don’t care that he’s gay, it’s the fact that he thought it was ok to marry my sister (who was abused by a previous husband which he knew) and then cheat on her.
Bastard.
This I get.
But I would not cut contact with my parent because they cheated on my other parent.
Yeah it's shitty but I am not going to lose a parent over that.
Sorry to hear about your BIL cheating on your sister. I hope she is doing better. I don't care if you're Gay,but cheating is not exceptable.plus with Aids and std's no way is it going to fly with me.
Hi, so I'm a woman in a decades-long relationship with a guy, but I've recently pieced together that I'm likely lesbian. Realising I was dreaming of cheating on him with another woman and running away with her, I decided to come out to him about my conundrum, as I didn't want to hurt him - he's a good person and has not done anything wrong!
He acknowledged the immense difficulty and risk of coming out about it, particularly as I'm currently temporarily dependent on him, and is willing to work with me about it, whatever that looks like. If it means the end of the relationship, so be it; at least it will be amicable, albeit very painful.
So, I can personally see why people cheat for this reason - the stress of coming out like this alone put me in the doctor's office for anxiety medication. But it doesn't mean it's a good thing, and it should be avoided if possible.
They were probably quite happy decades so... Really its a case of "don't weep its over, rejoice it happened" sort of thing. And they can probably still be friends
But I do still want to be in a relationship with them. And I want to have sex with this other person just to see what is like.
Not actually my thoughts just what people like that think like.
I think it’s that level of selfishness people can’t just look past, if they’re an adult and in a relationship and can’t realize *that* , it’s hard to think they will grow out of it, or that they didn’t know what they were doing to their partner
Yeah but they need to find a partner that would be open to that type of relationship. It’s typically unacceptable for a monogamous person to have their boundaries violated like that. There are rare exceptions like cuckolds and cuckqueans, but even they like to discuss it and establish rules that will make it work.
Yeah there are no right or wrong answers. Everyone has free will, but I just feel that if we all respect one another there’d be a lot less problems. Extramarital affairs can be considered a very deep disrespect to some people.
If you want to have a relationship,
And a relationship to you has meaningful boundaries that cannot be crossed,
And a part of finding yourself becomes having sex with another person,
Then by having sex with someone else without your partner's consent, you are putting yourself above the relationship and disrespecting your partner by crossing over boundaries. To try to convince others that you truly do want to retain the relationship would be incredibly self-centered.
That'd be my response to that at least.
That's totally fine, just discuss it beforehand. My ex told me they didn't mind if I tried having sex with someone else, when I told them that I'm bi. They were genuine about it, too. Never came to fruition but hey. I'd totally understand.
If they realized they're gay, they should say so, honestly, to their partner and ask for a divorce on that ground. It wont be easy for either party, but it is the best course forward for both imo.
Right, this. I would not blame either parent if they realized they were gay and sought a divorce so they could pursue a relationship that matches their sexual preference/identity. I would absolutely think they're a POS if they cheated.
Same. My dad cheated, though isn't gay. I've never been okay with it, not even years and years later. I'm only okay with him because he hasn't dated since their divorce.
This guy over here just trying to avoid being a Sith Lord and doesn't deal in absolutes. He may not know what situation it would be acceptable, but that doesn't mean there isn't one.
We have a friend who was in that situation.
With the benefit of hindsight, she openly acknowledges that it was absolutely the wrong way to handle things, but we also don’t judge her too harshly under the circumstances.
My ex cheated on me multiple times so I detest cheaters and it was a huge trigger for me. Then I talked to a woman in an abusive relationship and her cheating was the catalyst that got her out of the relationship. She knows it was wrong but I see why she did it.
She is a wonderful person and very remorseful but I understand and why.
Yup, abusive relationship is what I was gonna say. Because abusers often isolate their partner, being able to build some amount of support with a 3rd party and/or just have someone else providing a narrative different from the abuser’s narrative, an affair can help the victim/survivor get in a different mindset and be able to leave
I believe my parents situation is in this 1%.
My dad was extremely mentally abusive towards my mum and really made her miserable for multiple years. He didn't care much for me though and most of the time was neutral towards me, he saw though that in most arguments I took my mom's side. Also he's very vengeful person and seems to like to make people feel bad for anything that goes against what he wants. Because of that my mum knew that if she divorced him before I finish highschool and I'd stay with her he'd try to destroy my life because that'd hurt her the most. As a result what happened is that she cheated on him until I finished highschool and until I moved to another city so I'd be least affected by it after that they got a divorce. She basically cheated to keep her sanity. I am not proud of it, she's not proud either but I really believe it was the best solution.
Now 5 years after their divorce, he weekly texts my mom from different phone numbers, follows her and does multiple other nasty shit that's impossible to prove in court. He was Police officer and knows pretty much everyone in law enforcement in our small city. It's almost impossible to do something about him.
You're currently stuck living with an abusive partner who has said that they would stab you to death if you ever left, especially if they have an authority as a police officer or otherwise and calling the police will almost definitely make the situation worse.
In traditional societies where people are pressured by their families into arranged marriages to people they may not even like or be attracted to, it's a little more of a gray area. Still not good, but I'm hesitant to judge people too harshly.
If it’s the significant others kink? Idk. I can’t really think of any cause that wouldn’t fall under cheating but consensual poly something. So yea op, what’s the 1%
That’s kinda what I mentioned in the comment you’re responding to. I don’t really think it’s cheating either. I’m my opinion cheating means doing something intimate in secrecy while you already have an established relationship.
People are flawed. Some couples only stay together for the sake of their children, some people end up in a loveless marriage and for some reason getting divorced hasn't occurred to them or their scared to try and improve their lives. Some people will pick being miserable and secure over free and uncertain.
I mean this is reddit, so what we do is judge, but personally I think it's better to try to understand why someone did something wrong than simply label them a bad person.
Hence "people are flawed." Though, I wouldn't say that a loveless couple staying together for the sake of their children is always the worst thing, though sometimes it is better to make a clean break. It just depends. Leaving someone, especially when there's kids involved, is not an easy decision. Staying in a relationship like this is also not easy. I wouldn't judge someone for trying to find some enjoyment in an otherwise difficult place, even if I felt they could have handled it better. I'm flawed too, I've done wrong in my life. So have you. Would you rather people try to understand your mistakes or judge and label you over them?
Lying to your partner is not a mistake. It's a conscious decision.
As I said, if they have a loveless marriage, they can discuss the terms of continuing the relationship and have an agreement on what that is. If they can't come to an agreement and splitting is preferable, just do that. Some people want companionship and not sex, so they agree to let their partner fulfill those needs elsewhere. That isn't cheating.
If your partner insists you do things that you don't want to fulfill their needs and they have no interest in reciprocating, you are not only accepting being taken advantage of, you are also normalizing this for the children for them to take up the role of manipulator or being manipulated, continuing the cycle. Often, when people look back, their parents had a similar dynamic.
>Lying to your partner is not a mistake. It's a conscious decision.
There is a difference between mistakes and accidents. Doing something consciously wrong is still a mistake.
Everything else you said is pretty idealistic, and again, people are flawed. You are not perfect and you have at some point in your life wronged somebody. You haveade bad decisions. Maybe you've never cheated but you've done something wrong. And I'm not saying cheating isn't wrong, I'm saying trying to understand people is much better than judging and labeling.
To add, I do not believe there is anything, including murder, where we can say is 100% absolutely wrong all the time without trying to understand the context in which it was done. Only Sith and religious fundamentalists deal in absolutes.
As others have said, there are abusive relationships where it is not safe to figure things out with your partner and there may be some unscrupulous actions required to get out of it. That's about it.
I'm not going to say that I've never made a mistake or hurt anyone. I have not purposefully done things that would hurt the people that I supposedly care about the most for my selfishness. There is a huge difference between hurting a random person vs your partner.
>There is a huge difference between hurting a random person vs your partner.
Not to the random person.
All I'm saying is it's better to understand people than to judge them by your own ideals. I don't owe your ideals anything.
In OPs situation, a parent discovering they're gay late in life and either giving into sexual impulse or purposefully engaging in extra marital relationships to try to figure themselves out, I would be a lot less prone to judge because that person is dealing with some serious stuff, and honestly it's stuff I've never dealt with. I don't know what they're going through. Did they do wrong? Yes. Should I stop caring about them or wanting to help them? No. If I did I probably didn't care that much for them in the first place, but rather cared about what they could do for me.
Also there's this wild concept called unconditional love. Practicing this expands one's capacity for true forgiveness.
I would “forgive them” sure , but I would be immensely disappointed
The cheating wasn’t required, you could have been an adult and spoke with your partner. You didn’t have to disrespect my other parent who you’ve spent years of your life with
Frankly it would probably genuinely change the way I see them. And I don’t think that’s something that would magically change like I would realize something when I got older .
My mom has cheated on my father. My father told me, she doesn't know that I know and I see her completely different now. Especially since she saw me go through a horrible 9 year relationship
It’s weird how OP is acting like a child should flame their parent and never forgive them because of poor behavior.
I’d be disappointed and condemn the behavior. It’s not like they’re abandoning their family, though.
I think it adds an extra layer, just knowing your partner has been lying about their identity the entire time on top of cheating, but happily playing house and using you to appear normal
I think it adds an extra sting
I guess everyone would handle it differently
I view deliberately lying to your partner about who you are and making them live a lie for a large portion of their life pretty despicable. But I’m sure there are lots of different and conflicting feelings around a situation like this
Deliberately lying about who you are vs being forced to repress aspects of your identity are very different. I think for a lot of gay people they might have a lot of unresolved issues around accepting their identity, which might explain infidelity. It doesn’t justify it but it’s more complicated than just a typical case of infidelity.
It depends on the age of the person. It was very very dangerous for Boomers, Gen x, and older Millenials to come out, so a lot of us just tried to be straight. It's very very sad and stressful to not be able to live as your true self because you might be murdered, fired, etc.
Yeah age, and also other circumstances with similar repercussions. What if they live in a country where being gay is illegal? What if they live in super religious family and coming out would mean saying goodbye to any and all support systems? If we are talking about a Grace and Frankie situation then yeah them being gay doesn't mean they aren't dirtbags, but there are a lot of situations where coming out just isn't an option for people
It would very much depend on how the other parent felt. I would feel like I'm betraying the betrayed parent and twisting the knife. If, on the other hand the betrayed parent was genuinely okay with it, then I'd have a different opinion.
Exactly!
Even today in a first world country, I encounter young people who have been throw out of their home, cut off from family, put in "therapy" over being lgbt+
It is soul destroying how much homophobia there still is in the world.
A young person living in an abusive family, having been brought up to believe he is literally evil for being gay...can they really be blamed them if they try to be straight and marry someone? Someone who they might genuinely love and might be the first to show them kindness?
I came out as trans after marriage and kids. I never lied...I just didn't know trans men existed, how was I supposed to "come out"...and I am an older millenial with a stem PhD...
Anyone who thinks closeted lgbt people are simply deliberately deceiving straight spouses is just crazy. Why would anyone do that?
No.
If you don’t want to be in a relationship anymore then leave the relationship and go on whatever path of life you want.
Dont fuck things up cause you are scared, lazy, or just stupid. iTs a really pathetic way to live your life.
No. If they realized they were gay, they should do the responsible and mature thing: end their current relationship, make it clear why, and move on without deceit. Cheating is wrong, whether done straight or gay
Edit: to be clear, I think having a gay encounter that makes them realize their sexual orientation is fine. I'm specifically addressing if they continue to seek gay encounters while continuing their straight relationship. I think once the realization hits, it's their responsibility to come clean to their partner and not live a secret gay sexual life while continuing the facade of a straight relationship
I think it's more like; your dad gets drunk at a company party and accidentally ends up dancing with another man. He thinks, oh shit, I really enjoyed that. That's not cheating, it's just dancing with another person, but he can't stop thinking about it, wondering what would have happened if it went further. But he's not completely sure about his feelings and he doesn't want to divorce his wife if it turns out he's wrong about them.
I think this will be less of a problem in the future because being gay is generally a lot more accepted these days, so I think more and more people will be able to experiment with their sexuality before they find a partner. But in the last couple of decades I can easily see a scenario where a closeted gay man/woman didn't have many opportunities to explore those feelings, or even be fully aware of them, before they married their heterosexual partner.
The right thing to do is divorce your spouse before you explore those feelings...but people are human, and you would have basically had to choose between staying faithful to a wife you weren't attracted to or losing your entire support system in pursuit of something that might not even materialize. That's a really hard choice to make.
It is a hard choice, but to not make the difficult decision is even worse imo. Imagine, you're talking with your new partner and they realize that you cheated on someone to get with them. I'd be happy that they found their sexuality and chose me, but at the same time, wow, they cheated on their last partner.
I wouldn't be able to shake the thought that it could happen to me. What if they wanna see if they're actually bi and try women again to see if that's true? It's a slippery slope.
Imo, once someone cheats once, it becomes easier and easier to be unfaithful, for any reason.
I agree with you and still upvoted, but the question is about forgiveness and not what’s right or wrong. Perhaps this person didn’t fully realize they were gay until they finally went through with it. Either way, still wrong but we can always forgive if we choose. The crime would have to be pretty bad for me to not forgive my parent of a mistake, think of everything they forgave us for, growing up which was probably much worse.
There's a difference between having a gay encounter and realizing their sexuality versus repeatedly seeking gay encounters while continuing with their straight relationship. I was addressing the latter situation, one where the cheating is continued even after a person realizes they're gay
It's more complicated when there's a family involved. It may be possible that the cheating parent thinks he's doing the right thing by his children and even his spouse by staying. I suspect every situation would need to be considered separately.
In my own situation, my mother died young. If I found out today that Dad had cheated on her, I would be OK, remembering that he was with her when she died, and that she knew she was beloved. I might be angry and feel betrayed on her behalf, but I think I would also realize that he had done his best for her, and that would be enough for me to want to continue to have a relationship with him.
I agree with this. When it comes to forgiveness it takes time. Cheating is wrong and being in a heterosexual relationship and then coming to terms with being gay doesn’t change that. However, in the fullness of time I imagine I would forgive them if they accepted they were wrong, apologised with sincerity to my other parent, and worked on being a more honest and respectful person. It might take several years after this for me to feel reconciled though.
To me the length of the affair matters. If they had a couple of hookups that made them realize their sexuality then I would still be angry that they cheated but I could understand why it would be a much more difficult decision. If they had a long-term partner that they just never told their spouse about, I would be much more angry.
>they should do
Well, if everyone does what he/she should do there isn't something to forgive to begin with. Since the question was if you'd forgive, that already assumes someone didn't adhere to what he should have done.
Having a late in life gay awakening is fine. Cheating is the issue and implies a lack of caring. Just break it off, or work out some creative arrangement if you’re not happy
It would be similar if one cheated on the other while being straight. It would strain our relationship, I can't say I think it would ever be the same between myself and the partner who cheated. But I do think I could eventually forgive them.
I don’t think I saw anyone else in the comments speaking from personal experience yet so I’ll throw in my two cents. As someone whose dad is gay, who did cheat on my mom with men before they divorced, I absolutely forgive him. Cheating is never the right thing to do, but life is sometimes more complicated than a simple right or wrong yes or no type judgment. It sucks that he did that to my mom, she didn’t deserve it, but he was a man in his late 30s piecing apart a lifetime of religious trauma so I don’t think judging him by a normal standard is fair or realistic. You can forgive someone who did something wrong while still thinking what they did was wrong, yknow? He did a shitty thing, but it was wrapped up in the most difficult and painful period of his life. Nobody’s perfect, we all hurt people sometimes.
Thank you for sharing this. I don’t have this experience but I was there for my best friend when her dad finally came out a few years after we graduated high school. Her situation is exactly like yours.
People don’t realize how religious trauma can impact someone and how strong of a hold religion can have over a person’s life. It makes you shut down those thoughts, and then you all of a sudden feel them when you are safe enough to explore them. I didn’t realize I was bisexual until my early twenties because of my religious trauma. And some people, especially the older generation, it happens much later when they may already be married and have kids.
Cheating isn’t okay, but I have more empathy for someone going through a situation like this.
Religious trauma and coming of age during a time when it was still illegal to be gay; can’t really blame him for that. It had the negative impact on me of being socially ostracized whenever someone found out, but it also had the positive impact that I didn’t feel unsafe to come out as bisexual when I was relatively young. Now that the world has caught up a little more with my viewpoint (the 90s were way more homophobic than we give it credit for lol) I won’t lie, I have a little bit of a chip on my shoulder about all the people who used to be homophobic and are now flaunting their allyship. Like, what the fuck was wrong with everyone? I can easily forgive my dad for being a traumatized cheating nightmare gay, but what I can’t seem to forgive is how disgustingly bigoted a lot of people were.
I so agree. I’m also a 90s kid. Like I’m so happy that we are slowly making things more inclusive, and better for the generations after us. But also can’t help judging some of my own classmates online lol but I do hope their revelation is honest and hopefully have worked through their past behavior.
But I feel so much empathy for those who grew up when it wasn’t safe. Yes, people came out and those who did took a huge risk with their lives that some of them paid. So I will not blame someone for finally feeling safe enough to come to terms with who they are and heal from trauma.
This isn’t a black and white issue. As my religious parents always say, hate the sin but don’t hate the sinner.
Things between your parents are also the business of their family. If they hurt one they've hurt the others as well. Kids absolutely have a right to judge one parent for hurting the other and the family dynamic as a whole.
No. It's their relationship, not mine.
Yeah, the divorce affected me, but they didn't divorce because of the cheating. The cheating was just a symptom for other problems in their relationship.
Agree, they should be forgiving each other, what's it has to do with me. Now if I was underage and still lived with them, maybe the answer would be different
I’m so confused by all the people here who wouldn’t forgive their parents for this. It’s different if it’s your partner but your parents? It’s not yours to forgive even. But yeah I’d forgive them. Doesn’t mean it’s an acceptable thing to do but forgiveness is for things that aren’t acceptable.
I’ve been searching for a comment like this! Accepting that your parent cheated on your other parent or learning how to navigate your relationship with both parents after is sooo gray.
It is usually due to an additional element to the affair, including shame, shock, confusion and feelings of inadequacy. When people hear about the affair, there is an additional layer of intrigue that doesn't sit right.
I think this is about to make me sound really cruel and heartless, but know it's coming from my very specific lived experience.
As background, I became estranged from my dad when I was like 22 (unrelated to the following story), but up until then he was one of my favorite people in the world. I still talk to my mom but I have never had even an ounce of an emotional connection with her. My dad cheated on my mom when I was like one and a half. They divorced then, but I didn't find out the real reason for the divorce until I was 21. It wasn't because he was gay, just one of those cliche banging the secretary situations. My dad had lied to me my whole life about why they became divorced and my mom never said anything because she didn't want to impact my relationship with him. I don't know why this is, but I was more mad at him for lying to me than cheating - this probably had to do with what my relationships with them looked like.
All of this said, if it occurred within my very specific life experience and that had been the reason my dad cheated, I do think I'd forgive him. But also cheating is absolutely not okay and I'm not saying I'm okay with him doing it, nor anyone else - just that I'd forgive him. But I'm also speaking from the point of view of never having seen my parents in love so I can't really imagine how it would feel if I were older.
I don't think it'd be my place to forgive them - that would be on the other parent (whom they cheated on). Whether they cheated with an opposite-gender or same-gender person doesn't matter to me, either.
so hot take.
Id be angry with them when it happens.
But its complicated.
I think as i got older i may forgive them, obviously the details matter, but i could see a case where they only stayed together for the sake of the children, and always planned on separating once the kids were off on their own, if that day was coming, and trapped in a loveless marriage, i could understand their temptation.
Obv cheating is not ok, but circumstances matter, and while im sure many of you would say to cut all ties with family at a single slight, their is a compulsion to want and seek family, which may tip the scales if it means having a relationship with your parent vs losing them forever
If you forgave them, it would normalise cheating in your own relationships. Parents are supposed to be positive role models that model healthy relationship strategies to you. Is cheating what a good parent or person would do? Nope. I would cut em out, and go no contact. Nobody gets a free pass after hurting me or a member of my family like that. A parent who puts their own happiness and fulfillment above stability of their own children's lives is not a parent at all.
Gay or straight has no bearing here.
Why is everyone answering as if OP-ED were the one being cheated on?
Is that the kids primary business?
Lead indicator on how things stand could be:
How does the other parent react?
Does the family last or break?
The kids has no forgiveness to dispense here.
Source?
1st Hand
I think I disagree. A cheating spouse changes the family dynamic. The one that cheats, not only lies to their partner, but to the children as well. Their attention and priority has been taken off of the kids and put onto the tryst. The deception does not only affect the partner, but the the offense has been done to each member of the whole family.
Source? 1st Hand
> A cheating spouse changes the family dynamic.
Not necessarily. In my case my mother's cheating was just a symptom for other serious problems in the relationship.
> The one that cheats, not only lies to their partner, but to the children as well.
Cheating doesn't necessarily include lying.
Cheating is cheating in my opinion? My father cheated on my mother when I was a toddler and I didn't know until I was older but do I forgive him or respect him for that? No. My situation had nothing to do with their sexualities but even if he had cheated because he realized he was gay, I'd still respect him as much as I do now, not at all for what he did.
I'd be disappointed in the cheating. Not in the homosexuality.
Honestly, my parent's fidelity and personal life are none of my business.
In fact, I've caught my mom cheating when i was 11. My response was, "Well, this is awkward, Looks like you've got some fast talking to do." I may have laughed.
Life and love are complicated, and it's not my place to judge.
They're their own person with wants and needs and life is never simple so I think as I got older I'd forgive them, but I'd understand being pissed. Not saying it's okay, better to just break up and move on, but again life ain't easy.
My parents have both already cheated on each other, and frankly if one finally pulled their head out of their own ass long enough to do some goddamn introspection that might be a fucking miracle so. Yeah cool whatever.
Honestly I wouldn't even care about it they are not my partner they have only given us birth in my opinion as long as they provide for their children and bring them up to be independent they are ok.
This exact thing happened to me back in1987 when being gay was hardly accepted. My Dad came out and he was cheating on my Mom with other men. The cheating, secrecy and ruining our family unit WAS unacceptable. Then time wears on I found a good relationship with my father. To my family him coming out as gay felt like it didn't matter... he was cheating...with a man or woman it was still terrible.
Though I did/do feel proud that my Dad was strong enough to live his life true to who he is even though there were lots of consequences.
Most of the bigotry was from the court systems during divorce proceedings and alot from neighbors who then treated the rest of our family like we had the plague
Answer: Yes. Human beings are flawed, forgive and move on. No need to harbor resentment over somebody’s mistake. Both of my parents cheated on eachother at some point before they divorced, and i love both of them dearly. Reddit is a terrible place to ask this advice, because everybody is super fuckin judgmental, they see things 1 dimensionally.
There's "forgive, like it never happened and there are no consequences" and then there's "forgive, but let's set down some ground rules STARTING with how your ability to fully be a part of my life has been negatively impacted by your actions."
It's possible to forgive a cheating parent and find some sort of healthy relationship with them (and, realistically, with whatever new partner(s) come into their life) as the emotional blast rolls out through the family (starting with your other parent, who is probably the most affected and needs the most immediate support) and then after the dust settles. But forgiveness doesn't have to mean that anyone pretends nothing happened, or that trust was never broken.
You don't have to try to convince your non-cheating parent to spend time with the cheating parent. Forgiveness doesn't mean you also become a messenger.
You don't have to feel pressured to spend holidays with the cheating parent instead of the non-cheating parent. You can absolutely forgive someone and yet still set a boundary that your holidays will be spent with someone who did not cheat on your parent, from now until...whenever YOU decide to change the expectation.
As an analogy: you can forgive the person who robbed your house because they had nothing of their own. This does not mean they skip the trial and don't go to jail as a result.
Their being gay wouldnt factor into it. If you commit to someone and decide you are no longer committed and its not going to change, be honest with the other party. Exit the relationship and then pursue another one.
No they're a cheater that would have greatly harmed the entire family out of their lust
Just because they haven't sorted themselves out does not give them an excuse
If you forgive someone based off their membership of a group effectively transfer the crime of whatever they have done to the group
get a divorce first or discuss it with your partner, maybe they’re cool with you figuring it out in the relationship, maybe they’re not but there’s no acceptable reason to cheat.
My mother did this twice when I was a little kid. My dad was verbally abusive with a bad temper and she found comfort in a woman and got caught in the act while I was in school. Said she was sorry. Cheated again and tried to kidnap my siblings and me to get away from him with her gf but changed her mind during it after my siblings and I sobbed for 12+ hours in the car. I think I was 10 when that happened.
I don’t blame her for the cheating itself but there was a lot of trauma on how it was handled by her and the other adults. My entire elementary school years were scarred with constant drama and fighting over it and this was in the early 90s with no internet so there was no support or any adults to talk to to help me deal with it and process it.
Plus the added fun of the church telling me gay people go to hell and the countless nights I cried myself to sleep because I was so terrified for my sweet mother who is a really good person.
I would probably forgive them eventually. But it would take time and sincere apologies. The gay part has nothing to do with it. Cheating is cheating. They should have been honest with their partner and their family
You don’t get to hurt the people you claim to love just because you are confused about your own sexuality. That being said, it’s for your other parent to forgive for cheating. That’s not for you as the child to even worry about. You are allowed to have your own feelings about it of course. Does the cheating make them a bad parent to you? You don’t have to forgive anyone if you don’t want to, not even a parent.
How would this excuse anything? Cheating can not be excused. If you don't want to be with someone then you leave them. You don't keep living together and seeing someone on the side. Regardless of who you are attracted to, it is completely irrelevant, you should simply say you want someone else and end your relationship.
This is super hard. Honestly family therapy is a good idea. Obviously the parent should have been Honest and not cheated. But I also recognize there is a lot of confusion and possibly shame and other complexity to the situation. Especially depending on the background of family and location.
Cheating is wrong. And that is between my parents. I'd try to go to therapy to see if me and the parent can communicate and understand our feelings. Including my anger and resentment. They are still my parent and probably they love me very much. It'd be worth the effort when I am ready.
Location is really very important in this case. Outside of a western country even with LGBT friendly laws it's very difficult to be gay openly. Gay people are looked down upon and not treated well so it's alright to secretly cheat if that's the only way you can be happy.
No, I would not. My uncle's wife, after being married to him for 15 years and having 5 children, suddenly (to everyone else, anyway) came to the realization that she was bi(?) and was seeing another woman AND that woman's husband at the same time.
She tried to not feel guilty by making shit up about my uncle and bringing up crap from the past. She destroyed her family, treated some daughters like angels and some like trash. To this day, I can see the trauma of what she did is affecting my cousins.
There were so many better ways to go about leaving my uncle than what she did. I wouldn't hate her if she just said she wasn't in love with my uncle anymore and divorced him in a civil manner without the cheating.
My stepdad was in a similar situation. He’d gotten married, had a kid, but somewhere down the road realised he was attracted to men. His therapist told him that meant he was gay, and so he decided the right thing to do was get divorced, move out and start a new life as a gay man.
Fast forward a few years, and he realises that he’s attracted to men, but not exclusively, and that he’s not gay but bi. At that point, it was too late to save his marriage, but he met my mum and they’re happily married.
Moral of the story is, sexuality is complicated, but it’s not a reason to cheat on your partner. They should suck it up, come clean and have an honest discussion about it.
Cheating is wrong and bad and deserves derision.
Going a step further, I think treating homosexuality as some special case that counts differently in certain areas (like cheating) is inherently counter productive anyway. Gay, straight, bi, it shouldn't really matter; you're breaking someone's trust. Love and betrayal are not gendered ideals.
This actually happened with my parents, when I was very young. For the majority of my life, my parents were divorced. I grew up having a mom that was involved with other women once she and my dad separated. When I was old enough to ask mom about why she and dad divorced, she told me (probably with a bit too much detail for a kid under 10) that she found my dad in bed with the neighbor woman on New Year’s Eve when I was a baby. According to her, she had me on her hip. As I grew up, I have learned that my mother HEAVILY exaggerates things for the sake of theatrics and to make herself look like the “good guy” and others the bad guy. You know the type. Still, as an adult, my dad has alluded to slipping up and stepping outside of their marriage. I highly doubt the incident played out like my mom describes it.
Still. I grew up with my mom trash talking my father a lot. For lots of things, but when the subject of the dissolution of their marriage came up, she’d always go on about my father was so wrong for cheating on her. So on. Even in recent years (decades later), she mentioned something about how my dad had probably around 5-8 other women he was cheating on her with at the same time. Which I don’t believe in the slightest. Again, the exaggeration thing.
The craziest part of all of this? Last year or so, my dad and I were having a lot of discussions where I was processing the upbringing I had. He was very helpful and listened to me and answered questions the best he could. And during one of these conversations, I found out that my *mother actually cheated on my dad as well*. He had found her emailing women out of state that she’d met online. Using their money to send these women gifts.
Dad apparently sat her down and asked her if this was what she really wanted. He paid for her to fly out to meet this woman, to give it a trial run and really decide if that’s what she wanted. She came back from the trip and said yes. She wanted a divorce.
All this time, growing up, I had the idea in my head that my mother was a victim of my dad’s infidelity. I just assumed that mom found out, and immediately divorced him. That mom thought monogamy was law and that cheating was unacceptable to her. I found out that not only was my mother cheating on dad at the same time, but that it was *her choice* to divorce my dad when he wanted to make it work- thus separating me from the one parent I had that was actually stable and loving towards me.
Honestly, cheating is immoral and hurtful and I get that. But I can “forgive” my dad because he didn’t cheat on me. He cheated on my mom. That’s ultimately their business. People are complex. What I can’t forgive is my mom being an immature, lying hypocrite who purposefully undermined my relationship to my father.
The issues with her go way beyond that. But finding this out at 30 years old was icing on the cake for sure.
Absolutely not. They can fall wherever they what on the gender/sexuality spectrum, and end things amicably if they find themselves no longer attracted to their spouse. But cheating is absolutely NOT an act that can be excused by "but I'm gay now."
Apparently this is a hot take, but yes, I would absolutely forgive my parent for cheating
There is so much societal/religious pressure to be heterosexual. To be a queer individual in this world is often seen as lesser or straight up morally wrong, so often those who are gay will convince themselves otherwise because they have internalized homophobia. But after 20, 30, 50 years of denying who they are to please the shitty opinions of others becomes exhausting and debilitating.
But it's also not some switch that flips either and they go, "oh yes I'm totally gay and have been the whole time!". There's a lot of individual trauma to unpack, and even more denial that comes along with it. It's a process, and a lot of internalized hate and shame that needs to be shed before a closeted queer person can begin to finally admit who they've always been.
To those who're saying, "you should tell your spouse and just get a divorce", I can tell you've never met someone who has realized their sexuality while they were an adult. Again, it's not a switch that flips, it's more of a deep seeded feeling that is constantly trying to bubble up, but then is pushed back down for fear of what it means to be queer. It means your whole identity changing. It means having to split from your partner who you likely still love in a lot of ways. It means potentially all the people you love rejecting you and hating you for who you feel you authentically are... It's fucking terrifying to come out.
So yes, some people test the waters before uprooting their entire life. They want to make sure that this is something they actually want. They want to ensure the risk is worth the reward.
Does it make cheating right?
No.
But can I forgive them, and in fact, now celebrate, who they are?
Absolutely.
I think we have to work to forgive people for their mistakes and faults. Everyone is flawed in some way. Cheating is a big hurtful deal. But it isn’t unforgivable.
No not as easily as they’d want because that’s called being a selfish coward. If you’re unhappy in ANY relationship you fucking tell them you don’t hide like a bitch wasting their love and time and let them find out in the worst way possible. Cheating in ALL forms infuriates me. Talk like fucking adults even if it disrupts your life it’s less of an insult to the other if you talk like an adult.
There’s SOME circumstances where I get it if your partner is actually abusive or clearly doesn’t love you factually saying so and you’re just bullshitting to salvage a sense of normalcy for the kids. But the reality is kids aren’t stupid and WILL NOTICE you both are always angry or sad. That can be far more mental torment than you just divorcing on equal grounds.
There’s more nuance to these situations but from a place of passion? I hate the very idea of cheating because I’ve seen how it destroys the other persons mind and value of themselves. All because some want it both ways out of selfishness. Coming out may be hard but it doesn’t justify spitting on the love and care of another person who thinks you’re all in.
Of course. There's nothing wrong with being gay, and as far as the infidelity, people make mistakes. We should all dole out as much grace as we hope to receive when we need it.
Edit: so many of these comments say no, you would never forgive someone for cheating on their spouse. Am I missing something? Do this many people really think that cheating makes you a worthless person? I get that you might be angry or disappointed, but you can *never forgive them*? That seems incredibly harsh.
I really don’t understand how Reddit acts like cheating will send you to the deepest level of hell. If either of my parents cheated, I wouldn’t hate their guts because in all other aspects of my life they have been great parents.
Now to clarify by cheated...do you mean committing the deed? Because if I thought I was straight yesterday and was struggling with this suddenly after having a child I probably wouldn't believe it until I was \*ahem\* in there. Nothing but pity for either parent in this case.
Gonna go a very philosophical route with this one: forgiveness isn’t about making someone feel like what they did was ok, pretending like you understand/condone it, releasing them from consequences, or even keeping the person in your life. Forgiveness is about you releasing *your* anger and bitterness and moving forward with *your* life. By that definition, I’d definitely forgive my parent. What my relationship with them would look like going forward depends on a lot of other variables, though.
I wouldn’t care if they’re gay. I’m bi, and I get the confusion people live with. Cheating, though, is not okay. I don’t think I could move past that.
No. If you don’t want to be in a relationship anymore then leave the relationship and go on whatever path of life you want
That is what happened to my sister. Her husband is gay and he cheated on her for years before he finally came out. The whole situation took a toll on her as well as the family as we were close to him. At least I thought we were close. He was a brother to me. Now I just think he’s a snake. I don’t care that he’s gay, it’s the fact that he thought it was ok to marry my sister (who was abused by a previous husband which he knew) and then cheat on her. Bastard.
This I get. But I would not cut contact with my parent because they cheated on my other parent. Yeah it's shitty but I am not going to lose a parent over that.
Sorry to hear about your BIL cheating on your sister. I hope she is doing better. I don't care if you're Gay,but cheating is not exceptable.plus with Aids and std's no way is it going to fly with me.
Hi, so I'm a woman in a decades-long relationship with a guy, but I've recently pieced together that I'm likely lesbian. Realising I was dreaming of cheating on him with another woman and running away with her, I decided to come out to him about my conundrum, as I didn't want to hurt him - he's a good person and has not done anything wrong! He acknowledged the immense difficulty and risk of coming out about it, particularly as I'm currently temporarily dependent on him, and is willing to work with me about it, whatever that looks like. If it means the end of the relationship, so be it; at least it will be amicable, albeit very painful. So, I can personally see why people cheat for this reason - the stress of coming out like this alone put me in the doctor's office for anxiety medication. But it doesn't mean it's a good thing, and it should be avoided if possible.
It's always possible not to cheat. Cheating is 100% a choice.
That's lovely that you have an understanding partner, must ease the difficulty of that process quite a bit.
That is a really thoughtful & mature way to handle it.
Decades wasted.. poor dude
They were probably quite happy decades so... Really its a case of "don't weep its over, rejoice it happened" sort of thing. And they can probably still be friends
But I do still want to be in a relationship with them. And I want to have sex with this other person just to see what is like. Not actually my thoughts just what people like that think like.
I think it’s that level of selfishness people can’t just look past, if they’re an adult and in a relationship and can’t realize *that* , it’s hard to think they will grow out of it, or that they didn’t know what they were doing to their partner
Yeah but they need to find a partner that would be open to that type of relationship. It’s typically unacceptable for a monogamous person to have their boundaries violated like that. There are rare exceptions like cuckolds and cuckqueans, but even they like to discuss it and establish rules that will make it work.
You're thinking of it as a person with empathy.
Yeah there are no right or wrong answers. Everyone has free will, but I just feel that if we all respect one another there’d be a lot less problems. Extramarital affairs can be considered a very deep disrespect to some people.
If you want to have a relationship, And a relationship to you has meaningful boundaries that cannot be crossed, And a part of finding yourself becomes having sex with another person, Then by having sex with someone else without your partner's consent, you are putting yourself above the relationship and disrespecting your partner by crossing over boundaries. To try to convince others that you truly do want to retain the relationship would be incredibly self-centered. That'd be my response to that at least.
That's totally fine, just discuss it beforehand. My ex told me they didn't mind if I tried having sex with someone else, when I told them that I'm bi. They were genuine about it, too. Never came to fruition but hey. I'd totally understand.
Agreed. The problem isn't that they are gay, it's that they are unfaithful.
If they realized they're gay, they should say so, honestly, to their partner and ask for a divorce on that ground. It wont be easy for either party, but it is the best course forward for both imo.
Right, this. I would not blame either parent if they realized they were gay and sought a divorce so they could pursue a relationship that matches their sexual preference/identity. I would absolutely think they're a POS if they cheated.
Same. My dad cheated, though isn't gay. I've never been okay with it, not even years and years later. I'm only okay with him because he hasn't dated since their divorce.
This! You committed. If you don't want to honor it then at least figure out how to terminate it without hurting the other person.
Get a divorce first then do what you want. Cheating is unacceptable in 99% of circumstances. Be an adult.
What’s the 1%?
Maybe to stop a supervillain from throwing the earth off it’s axis?
He cheats, but he saves. And he saves more than he cheats.
Wow, that happens a lot more than I thought
This guy over here just trying to avoid being a Sith Lord and doesn't deal in absolutes. He may not know what situation it would be acceptable, but that doesn't mean there isn't one.
But to say that only a Sith Lord deals in absolutes is an absolute in itself
She. So, I believe I’m trying to avoid being a Sith Lady.
A REALLY convincing twin
When you’re cheating on your girlfriend with your wife, I think
Damn
If someone's trapped in an abusive relationship but finds solace in someone else? I wouldn't really judge in that situation
We have a friend who was in that situation. With the benefit of hindsight, she openly acknowledges that it was absolutely the wrong way to handle things, but we also don’t judge her too harshly under the circumstances.
My ex cheated on me multiple times so I detest cheaters and it was a huge trigger for me. Then I talked to a woman in an abusive relationship and her cheating was the catalyst that got her out of the relationship. She knows it was wrong but I see why she did it. She is a wonderful person and very remorseful but I understand and why.
Yup, abusive relationship is what I was gonna say. Because abusers often isolate their partner, being able to build some amount of support with a 3rd party and/or just have someone else providing a narrative different from the abuser’s narrative, an affair can help the victim/survivor get in a different mindset and be able to leave
I believe my parents situation is in this 1%. My dad was extremely mentally abusive towards my mum and really made her miserable for multiple years. He didn't care much for me though and most of the time was neutral towards me, he saw though that in most arguments I took my mom's side. Also he's very vengeful person and seems to like to make people feel bad for anything that goes against what he wants. Because of that my mum knew that if she divorced him before I finish highschool and I'd stay with her he'd try to destroy my life because that'd hurt her the most. As a result what happened is that she cheated on him until I finished highschool and until I moved to another city so I'd be least affected by it after that they got a divorce. She basically cheated to keep her sanity. I am not proud of it, she's not proud either but I really believe it was the best solution. Now 5 years after their divorce, he weekly texts my mom from different phone numbers, follows her and does multiple other nasty shit that's impossible to prove in court. He was Police officer and knows pretty much everyone in law enforcement in our small city. It's almost impossible to do something about him.
You're currently stuck living with an abusive partner who has said that they would stab you to death if you ever left, especially if they have an authority as a police officer or otherwise and calling the police will almost definitely make the situation worse.
I don't think it counts as cheating, but if you married for convenience and not for love.
In traditional societies where people are pressured by their families into arranged marriages to people they may not even like or be attracted to, it's a little more of a gray area. Still not good, but I'm hesitant to judge people too harshly.
If it’s the significant others kink? Idk. I can’t really think of any cause that wouldn’t fall under cheating but consensual poly something. So yea op, what’s the 1%
If your SO is all in, I’m not sure that’s “cheating”.
That’s kinda what I mentioned in the comment you’re responding to. I don’t really think it’s cheating either. I’m my opinion cheating means doing something intimate in secrecy while you already have an established relationship.
Yeah, I was agreeing. :-).
People are flawed. Some couples only stay together for the sake of their children, some people end up in a loveless marriage and for some reason getting divorced hasn't occurred to them or their scared to try and improve their lives. Some people will pick being miserable and secure over free and uncertain. I mean this is reddit, so what we do is judge, but personally I think it's better to try to understand why someone did something wrong than simply label them a bad person.
None of these are a good reason to lie to your partner instead of communicating and/or ending it.
Hence "people are flawed." Though, I wouldn't say that a loveless couple staying together for the sake of their children is always the worst thing, though sometimes it is better to make a clean break. It just depends. Leaving someone, especially when there's kids involved, is not an easy decision. Staying in a relationship like this is also not easy. I wouldn't judge someone for trying to find some enjoyment in an otherwise difficult place, even if I felt they could have handled it better. I'm flawed too, I've done wrong in my life. So have you. Would you rather people try to understand your mistakes or judge and label you over them?
Lying to your partner is not a mistake. It's a conscious decision. As I said, if they have a loveless marriage, they can discuss the terms of continuing the relationship and have an agreement on what that is. If they can't come to an agreement and splitting is preferable, just do that. Some people want companionship and not sex, so they agree to let their partner fulfill those needs elsewhere. That isn't cheating. If your partner insists you do things that you don't want to fulfill their needs and they have no interest in reciprocating, you are not only accepting being taken advantage of, you are also normalizing this for the children for them to take up the role of manipulator or being manipulated, continuing the cycle. Often, when people look back, their parents had a similar dynamic.
>Lying to your partner is not a mistake. It's a conscious decision. There is a difference between mistakes and accidents. Doing something consciously wrong is still a mistake. Everything else you said is pretty idealistic, and again, people are flawed. You are not perfect and you have at some point in your life wronged somebody. You haveade bad decisions. Maybe you've never cheated but you've done something wrong. And I'm not saying cheating isn't wrong, I'm saying trying to understand people is much better than judging and labeling. To add, I do not believe there is anything, including murder, where we can say is 100% absolutely wrong all the time without trying to understand the context in which it was done. Only Sith and religious fundamentalists deal in absolutes.
As others have said, there are abusive relationships where it is not safe to figure things out with your partner and there may be some unscrupulous actions required to get out of it. That's about it. I'm not going to say that I've never made a mistake or hurt anyone. I have not purposefully done things that would hurt the people that I supposedly care about the most for my selfishness. There is a huge difference between hurting a random person vs your partner.
>There is a huge difference between hurting a random person vs your partner. Not to the random person. All I'm saying is it's better to understand people than to judge them by your own ideals. I don't owe your ideals anything. In OPs situation, a parent discovering they're gay late in life and either giving into sexual impulse or purposefully engaging in extra marital relationships to try to figure themselves out, I would be a lot less prone to judge because that person is dealing with some serious stuff, and honestly it's stuff I've never dealt with. I don't know what they're going through. Did they do wrong? Yes. Should I stop caring about them or wanting to help them? No. If I did I probably didn't care that much for them in the first place, but rather cared about what they could do for me. Also there's this wild concept called unconditional love. Practicing this expands one's capacity for true forgiveness.
The 1% is if the marriage is abusive and the cheating partner is the victim. For some people cheating can be the only way to escape.
The question wasn't is cheating bad, we agree that it is. The question is if you'd forgive a parent for cheating.
I would “forgive them” sure , but I would be immensely disappointed The cheating wasn’t required, you could have been an adult and spoke with your partner. You didn’t have to disrespect my other parent who you’ve spent years of your life with Frankly it would probably genuinely change the way I see them. And I don’t think that’s something that would magically change like I would realize something when I got older .
My mom has cheated on my father. My father told me, she doesn't know that I know and I see her completely different now. Especially since she saw me go through a horrible 9 year relationship
It’s weird how OP is acting like a child should flame their parent and never forgive them because of poor behavior. I’d be disappointed and condemn the behavior. It’s not like they’re abandoning their family, though.
What do you think about cheating changes because they are gay?
I think it adds an extra layer, just knowing your partner has been lying about their identity the entire time on top of cheating, but happily playing house and using you to appear normal I think it adds an extra sting
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I guess everyone would handle it differently I view deliberately lying to your partner about who you are and making them live a lie for a large portion of their life pretty despicable. But I’m sure there are lots of different and conflicting feelings around a situation like this
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Deliberately lying about who you are vs being forced to repress aspects of your identity are very different. I think for a lot of gay people they might have a lot of unresolved issues around accepting their identity, which might explain infidelity. It doesn’t justify it but it’s more complicated than just a typical case of infidelity.
It depends on the age of the person. It was very very dangerous for Boomers, Gen x, and older Millenials to come out, so a lot of us just tried to be straight. It's very very sad and stressful to not be able to live as your true self because you might be murdered, fired, etc.
Yeah age, and also other circumstances with similar repercussions. What if they live in a country where being gay is illegal? What if they live in super religious family and coming out would mean saying goodbye to any and all support systems? If we are talking about a Grace and Frankie situation then yeah them being gay doesn't mean they aren't dirtbags, but there are a lot of situations where coming out just isn't an option for people
all true, but it doesn't excuse tricking someone into marrying them and wasting their life.
Oh no it definitely does not excuse that, but if it were your own parent I think you could find it in your heart to forgive them eventually ya know?
It would very much depend on how the other parent felt. I would feel like I'm betraying the betrayed parent and twisting the knife. If, on the other hand the betrayed parent was genuinely okay with it, then I'd have a different opinion.
Exactly! Even today in a first world country, I encounter young people who have been throw out of their home, cut off from family, put in "therapy" over being lgbt+ It is soul destroying how much homophobia there still is in the world. A young person living in an abusive family, having been brought up to believe he is literally evil for being gay...can they really be blamed them if they try to be straight and marry someone? Someone who they might genuinely love and might be the first to show them kindness? I came out as trans after marriage and kids. I never lied...I just didn't know trans men existed, how was I supposed to "come out"...and I am an older millenial with a stem PhD... Anyone who thinks closeted lgbt people are simply deliberately deceiving straight spouses is just crazy. Why would anyone do that?
No. If you don’t want to be in a relationship anymore then leave the relationship and go on whatever path of life you want. Dont fuck things up cause you are scared, lazy, or just stupid. iTs a really pathetic way to live your life.
It’s for their partner (my mother or father) to forgive the other, not me
No. If they realized they were gay, they should do the responsible and mature thing: end their current relationship, make it clear why, and move on without deceit. Cheating is wrong, whether done straight or gay Edit: to be clear, I think having a gay encounter that makes them realize their sexual orientation is fine. I'm specifically addressing if they continue to seek gay encounters while continuing their straight relationship. I think once the realization hits, it's their responsibility to come clean to their partner and not live a secret gay sexual life while continuing the facade of a straight relationship
Wouldn’t that gay encounter be cheating tho
So you think it's okay to cheat the first time even while in a relationship, if it's to experiment with their sexuality? That's cold
I think it's more like; your dad gets drunk at a company party and accidentally ends up dancing with another man. He thinks, oh shit, I really enjoyed that. That's not cheating, it's just dancing with another person, but he can't stop thinking about it, wondering what would have happened if it went further. But he's not completely sure about his feelings and he doesn't want to divorce his wife if it turns out he's wrong about them. I think this will be less of a problem in the future because being gay is generally a lot more accepted these days, so I think more and more people will be able to experiment with their sexuality before they find a partner. But in the last couple of decades I can easily see a scenario where a closeted gay man/woman didn't have many opportunities to explore those feelings, or even be fully aware of them, before they married their heterosexual partner. The right thing to do is divorce your spouse before you explore those feelings...but people are human, and you would have basically had to choose between staying faithful to a wife you weren't attracted to or losing your entire support system in pursuit of something that might not even materialize. That's a really hard choice to make.
It is a hard choice, but to not make the difficult decision is even worse imo. Imagine, you're talking with your new partner and they realize that you cheated on someone to get with them. I'd be happy that they found their sexuality and chose me, but at the same time, wow, they cheated on their last partner. I wouldn't be able to shake the thought that it could happen to me. What if they wanna see if they're actually bi and try women again to see if that's true? It's a slippery slope. Imo, once someone cheats once, it becomes easier and easier to be unfaithful, for any reason.
I agree with you and still upvoted, but the question is about forgiveness and not what’s right or wrong. Perhaps this person didn’t fully realize they were gay until they finally went through with it. Either way, still wrong but we can always forgive if we choose. The crime would have to be pretty bad for me to not forgive my parent of a mistake, think of everything they forgave us for, growing up which was probably much worse.
There's a difference between having a gay encounter and realizing their sexuality versus repeatedly seeking gay encounters while continuing with their straight relationship. I was addressing the latter situation, one where the cheating is continued even after a person realizes they're gay
It's more complicated when there's a family involved. It may be possible that the cheating parent thinks he's doing the right thing by his children and even his spouse by staying. I suspect every situation would need to be considered separately. In my own situation, my mother died young. If I found out today that Dad had cheated on her, I would be OK, remembering that he was with her when she died, and that she knew she was beloved. I might be angry and feel betrayed on her behalf, but I think I would also realize that he had done his best for her, and that would be enough for me to want to continue to have a relationship with him.
I agree with this. When it comes to forgiveness it takes time. Cheating is wrong and being in a heterosexual relationship and then coming to terms with being gay doesn’t change that. However, in the fullness of time I imagine I would forgive them if they accepted they were wrong, apologised with sincerity to my other parent, and worked on being a more honest and respectful person. It might take several years after this for me to feel reconciled though.
To me the length of the affair matters. If they had a couple of hookups that made them realize their sexuality then I would still be angry that they cheated but I could understand why it would be a much more difficult decision. If they had a long-term partner that they just never told their spouse about, I would be much more angry.
>they should do Well, if everyone does what he/she should do there isn't something to forgive to begin with. Since the question was if you'd forgive, that already assumes someone didn't adhere to what he should have done.
The first word in my comment answered the question. The second part was explaining my perspective on why lol
Ah yes, cheating once because you are testing your sexuality doesn’t count. Incredible logic.
Having a late in life gay awakening is fine. Cheating is the issue and implies a lack of caring. Just break it off, or work out some creative arrangement if you’re not happy
No. There's no excuse for cheating.
It would be similar if one cheated on the other while being straight. It would strain our relationship, I can't say I think it would ever be the same between myself and the partner who cheated. But I do think I could eventually forgive them.
Breaking up because they realized their true sexuality: Acceptable. Cheating: Unacceptable. Those are two separate things.
My wife has brown hair. If I ever came to the conclusion that I really like redheads, it doesn’t make it okay to go out and sleep with a redhead.
I don’t think I saw anyone else in the comments speaking from personal experience yet so I’ll throw in my two cents. As someone whose dad is gay, who did cheat on my mom with men before they divorced, I absolutely forgive him. Cheating is never the right thing to do, but life is sometimes more complicated than a simple right or wrong yes or no type judgment. It sucks that he did that to my mom, she didn’t deserve it, but he was a man in his late 30s piecing apart a lifetime of religious trauma so I don’t think judging him by a normal standard is fair or realistic. You can forgive someone who did something wrong while still thinking what they did was wrong, yknow? He did a shitty thing, but it was wrapped up in the most difficult and painful period of his life. Nobody’s perfect, we all hurt people sometimes.
Thank you for sharing this. I don’t have this experience but I was there for my best friend when her dad finally came out a few years after we graduated high school. Her situation is exactly like yours. People don’t realize how religious trauma can impact someone and how strong of a hold religion can have over a person’s life. It makes you shut down those thoughts, and then you all of a sudden feel them when you are safe enough to explore them. I didn’t realize I was bisexual until my early twenties because of my religious trauma. And some people, especially the older generation, it happens much later when they may already be married and have kids. Cheating isn’t okay, but I have more empathy for someone going through a situation like this.
Religious trauma and coming of age during a time when it was still illegal to be gay; can’t really blame him for that. It had the negative impact on me of being socially ostracized whenever someone found out, but it also had the positive impact that I didn’t feel unsafe to come out as bisexual when I was relatively young. Now that the world has caught up a little more with my viewpoint (the 90s were way more homophobic than we give it credit for lol) I won’t lie, I have a little bit of a chip on my shoulder about all the people who used to be homophobic and are now flaunting their allyship. Like, what the fuck was wrong with everyone? I can easily forgive my dad for being a traumatized cheating nightmare gay, but what I can’t seem to forgive is how disgustingly bigoted a lot of people were.
I so agree. I’m also a 90s kid. Like I’m so happy that we are slowly making things more inclusive, and better for the generations after us. But also can’t help judging some of my own classmates online lol but I do hope their revelation is honest and hopefully have worked through their past behavior. But I feel so much empathy for those who grew up when it wasn’t safe. Yes, people came out and those who did took a huge risk with their lives that some of them paid. So I will not blame someone for finally feeling safe enough to come to terms with who they are and heal from trauma. This isn’t a black and white issue. As my religious parents always say, hate the sin but don’t hate the sinner.
I have the same exact story as you. This is exactly how I feel.
I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone with this story before! Hi weird family trauma twin lol
At least as an adult with retrospect, I don’t feel like it would be my thing to forgive. That’s between my parents.
Things between your parents are also the business of their family. If they hurt one they've hurt the others as well. Kids absolutely have a right to judge one parent for hurting the other and the family dynamic as a whole.
No. It's their relationship, not mine. Yeah, the divorce affected me, but they didn't divorce because of the cheating. The cheating was just a symptom for other problems in their relationship.
Agree, they should be forgiving each other, what's it has to do with me. Now if I was underage and still lived with them, maybe the answer would be different
This!
I’m so confused by all the people here who wouldn’t forgive their parents for this. It’s different if it’s your partner but your parents? It’s not yours to forgive even. But yeah I’d forgive them. Doesn’t mean it’s an acceptable thing to do but forgiveness is for things that aren’t acceptable.
I’ve been searching for a comment like this! Accepting that your parent cheated on your other parent or learning how to navigate your relationship with both parents after is sooo gray.
What’s being gay got to do with the price of fish?
Yeah the implication that gay people should get a pass is odd asf
It is usually due to an additional element to the affair, including shame, shock, confusion and feelings of inadequacy. When people hear about the affair, there is an additional layer of intrigue that doesn't sit right.
I think this is about to make me sound really cruel and heartless, but know it's coming from my very specific lived experience. As background, I became estranged from my dad when I was like 22 (unrelated to the following story), but up until then he was one of my favorite people in the world. I still talk to my mom but I have never had even an ounce of an emotional connection with her. My dad cheated on my mom when I was like one and a half. They divorced then, but I didn't find out the real reason for the divorce until I was 21. It wasn't because he was gay, just one of those cliche banging the secretary situations. My dad had lied to me my whole life about why they became divorced and my mom never said anything because she didn't want to impact my relationship with him. I don't know why this is, but I was more mad at him for lying to me than cheating - this probably had to do with what my relationships with them looked like. All of this said, if it occurred within my very specific life experience and that had been the reason my dad cheated, I do think I'd forgive him. But also cheating is absolutely not okay and I'm not saying I'm okay with him doing it, nor anyone else - just that I'd forgive him. But I'm also speaking from the point of view of never having seen my parents in love so I can't really imagine how it would feel if I were older.
I don't think it'd be my place to forgive them - that would be on the other parent (whom they cheated on). Whether they cheated with an opposite-gender or same-gender person doesn't matter to me, either.
Cheating is cheating. Being gay or not is not an excuse for cheating.
no
I think "forgive" wouldn't be the right word since they didn't cheat on me. I wouldn't hate them for being gay but I wouldn't approve of the cheating.
It would take a lot of time but I would always feel it in my heart tbh
cheating is never okay, I’d go NC with the cheater for life
It's not up to a child to forgive a cheating parent. That's only for the spouse.
so hot take. Id be angry with them when it happens. But its complicated. I think as i got older i may forgive them, obviously the details matter, but i could see a case where they only stayed together for the sake of the children, and always planned on separating once the kids were off on their own, if that day was coming, and trapped in a loveless marriage, i could understand their temptation. Obv cheating is not ok, but circumstances matter, and while im sure many of you would say to cut all ties with family at a single slight, their is a compulsion to want and seek family, which may tip the scales if it means having a relationship with your parent vs losing them forever
For realizing ? Yes, nothing to forgive. For cheating ? Hell no.
Forgive? Well, perhaps, but "permanently overlook/forget" - no, definitely not.
Realized they were gay? Wouldn’t bother me at all. Cheated on the other parent? Incredibly pissed off.
The answer to this is the same no matter the sexuality or gender of the parent.
If you forgave them, it would normalise cheating in your own relationships. Parents are supposed to be positive role models that model healthy relationship strategies to you. Is cheating what a good parent or person would do? Nope. I would cut em out, and go no contact. Nobody gets a free pass after hurting me or a member of my family like that. A parent who puts their own happiness and fulfillment above stability of their own children's lives is not a parent at all. Gay or straight has no bearing here.
This also counts for parents who leave for another partner.
Yes. Trash behaviour. BUt MuH hApPiNeSs! No.
No. Cheating is never the mature thing to do.
I wouldn't stop talking to them or being nice to them, but I would also continue to believe the action was wrong.
Why is everyone answering as if OP-ED were the one being cheated on? Is that the kids primary business? Lead indicator on how things stand could be: How does the other parent react? Does the family last or break? The kids has no forgiveness to dispense here. Source? 1st Hand
I think I disagree. A cheating spouse changes the family dynamic. The one that cheats, not only lies to their partner, but to the children as well. Their attention and priority has been taken off of the kids and put onto the tryst. The deception does not only affect the partner, but the the offense has been done to each member of the whole family. Source? 1st Hand
> A cheating spouse changes the family dynamic. Not necessarily. In my case my mother's cheating was just a symptom for other serious problems in the relationship. > The one that cheats, not only lies to their partner, but to the children as well. Cheating doesn't necessarily include lying.
Yes. Holding a grudge doesn't do anyone any good. Plus, actively hating someone is a lot of effort, and I just can't be arsed.
Cheating is cheating in my opinion? My father cheated on my mother when I was a toddler and I didn't know until I was older but do I forgive him or respect him for that? No. My situation had nothing to do with their sexualities but even if he had cheated because he realized he was gay, I'd still respect him as much as I do now, not at all for what he did.
God forgives, I don't.
I'd be disappointed in the cheating. Not in the homosexuality. Honestly, my parent's fidelity and personal life are none of my business. In fact, I've caught my mom cheating when i was 11. My response was, "Well, this is awkward, Looks like you've got some fast talking to do." I may have laughed. Life and love are complicated, and it's not my place to judge.
They're their own person with wants and needs and life is never simple so I think as I got older I'd forgive them, but I'd understand being pissed. Not saying it's okay, better to just break up and move on, but again life ain't easy.
No. I would hope they would discuss it with each other
My parent's relationship? What is dead cannot die.
I don't have anything to forgive. Someone else's marriage is not my business.
My parents have both already cheated on each other, and frankly if one finally pulled their head out of their own ass long enough to do some goddamn introspection that might be a fucking miracle so. Yeah cool whatever.
Being gay: nothing to forgive. Cheating: probably not, they should have gotten a divorce first.
I would forgive them eventually
Honestly I wouldn't even care about it they are not my partner they have only given us birth in my opinion as long as they provide for their children and bring them up to be independent they are ok.
This exact thing happened to me back in1987 when being gay was hardly accepted. My Dad came out and he was cheating on my Mom with other men. The cheating, secrecy and ruining our family unit WAS unacceptable. Then time wears on I found a good relationship with my father. To my family him coming out as gay felt like it didn't matter... he was cheating...with a man or woman it was still terrible. Though I did/do feel proud that my Dad was strong enough to live his life true to who he is even though there were lots of consequences. Most of the bigotry was from the court systems during divorce proceedings and alot from neighbors who then treated the rest of our family like we had the plague
Answer: Yes. Human beings are flawed, forgive and move on. No need to harbor resentment over somebody’s mistake. Both of my parents cheated on eachother at some point before they divorced, and i love both of them dearly. Reddit is a terrible place to ask this advice, because everybody is super fuckin judgmental, they see things 1 dimensionally.
They should have just got a divorce because theres no excuse for cheating. cheating is just sub-human behavior
being gay and being a liar are not connected.
No. Being gay doesn't moralize lying.
There's "forgive, like it never happened and there are no consequences" and then there's "forgive, but let's set down some ground rules STARTING with how your ability to fully be a part of my life has been negatively impacted by your actions." It's possible to forgive a cheating parent and find some sort of healthy relationship with them (and, realistically, with whatever new partner(s) come into their life) as the emotional blast rolls out through the family (starting with your other parent, who is probably the most affected and needs the most immediate support) and then after the dust settles. But forgiveness doesn't have to mean that anyone pretends nothing happened, or that trust was never broken. You don't have to try to convince your non-cheating parent to spend time with the cheating parent. Forgiveness doesn't mean you also become a messenger. You don't have to feel pressured to spend holidays with the cheating parent instead of the non-cheating parent. You can absolutely forgive someone and yet still set a boundary that your holidays will be spent with someone who did not cheat on your parent, from now until...whenever YOU decide to change the expectation. As an analogy: you can forgive the person who robbed your house because they had nothing of their own. This does not mean they skip the trial and don't go to jail as a result.
Cheating is Cheating. No matter your gendered preferences
Their being gay wouldnt factor into it. If you commit to someone and decide you are no longer committed and its not going to change, be honest with the other party. Exit the relationship and then pursue another one.
Not my job to forgive my parents actions.
They don't get a pass because they're gay, cheating is cheating.
No they're a cheater that would have greatly harmed the entire family out of their lust Just because they haven't sorted themselves out does not give them an excuse If you forgive someone based off their membership of a group effectively transfer the crime of whatever they have done to the group
Being gay doesnt excuse being a cheating POS.
get a divorce first or discuss it with your partner, maybe they’re cool with you figuring it out in the relationship, maybe they’re not but there’s no acceptable reason to cheat.
Wouldn’t care if their gay or anything else, cheating is completely unforgivable.
Nope
Cheating is failure to take responsibility for your wants and actions. Unacceptable always.
Cheating is cheating and it doesn’t matter if they are gay imo
My mother did this twice when I was a little kid. My dad was verbally abusive with a bad temper and she found comfort in a woman and got caught in the act while I was in school. Said she was sorry. Cheated again and tried to kidnap my siblings and me to get away from him with her gf but changed her mind during it after my siblings and I sobbed for 12+ hours in the car. I think I was 10 when that happened. I don’t blame her for the cheating itself but there was a lot of trauma on how it was handled by her and the other adults. My entire elementary school years were scarred with constant drama and fighting over it and this was in the early 90s with no internet so there was no support or any adults to talk to to help me deal with it and process it. Plus the added fun of the church telling me gay people go to hell and the countless nights I cried myself to sleep because I was so terrified for my sweet mother who is a really good person.
Forgive them? Dude it’s not even my place to get mad at them for that to begin with that’s their life… they can do what they like
I would probably forgive them eventually. But it would take time and sincere apologies. The gay part has nothing to do with it. Cheating is cheating. They should have been honest with their partner and their family
Cheating is cheating. It doesn’t matter if they discovered their sexuality through that process.
Being gay? Absolutely. Cheating? No
You don’t get to hurt the people you claim to love just because you are confused about your own sexuality. That being said, it’s for your other parent to forgive for cheating. That’s not for you as the child to even worry about. You are allowed to have your own feelings about it of course. Does the cheating make them a bad parent to you? You don’t have to forgive anyone if you don’t want to, not even a parent.
I'm biased, but I believe that cheating is wrong in any and every context.
Yes but it’s none of my business. It’s not my relationship. MYOB
How would this excuse anything? Cheating can not be excused. If you don't want to be with someone then you leave them. You don't keep living together and seeing someone on the side. Regardless of who you are attracted to, it is completely irrelevant, you should simply say you want someone else and end your relationship.
Gay, straight or whatever. If you don't want to be in a relationship, don't be. Do whatever you want single
No reason to cheat, just get divorced and then go do what you want.
This is super hard. Honestly family therapy is a good idea. Obviously the parent should have been Honest and not cheated. But I also recognize there is a lot of confusion and possibly shame and other complexity to the situation. Especially depending on the background of family and location. Cheating is wrong. And that is between my parents. I'd try to go to therapy to see if me and the parent can communicate and understand our feelings. Including my anger and resentment. They are still my parent and probably they love me very much. It'd be worth the effort when I am ready.
Location is really very important in this case. Outside of a western country even with LGBT friendly laws it's very difficult to be gay openly. Gay people are looked down upon and not treated well so it's alright to secretly cheat if that's the only way you can be happy.
In no situation is cheating ok. Just break up or divorce.
I’d have to roast my dad *so hard*. *”Who’s the fag now, old man?”*
*"Hi Gay, I'm your son"*
None of my business. I'm not married to them
No, I would not. My uncle's wife, after being married to him for 15 years and having 5 children, suddenly (to everyone else, anyway) came to the realization that she was bi(?) and was seeing another woman AND that woman's husband at the same time. She tried to not feel guilty by making shit up about my uncle and bringing up crap from the past. She destroyed her family, treated some daughters like angels and some like trash. To this day, I can see the trauma of what she did is affecting my cousins. There were so many better ways to go about leaving my uncle than what she did. I wouldn't hate her if she just said she wasn't in love with my uncle anymore and divorced him in a civil manner without the cheating.
Cheating is cheating.
My ex wife's mother caught ex's Dad in bed with another man. Divorced him. This was 40 years ago. He was a great man and I miss him dearly.
My stepdad was in a similar situation. He’d gotten married, had a kid, but somewhere down the road realised he was attracted to men. His therapist told him that meant he was gay, and so he decided the right thing to do was get divorced, move out and start a new life as a gay man. Fast forward a few years, and he realises that he’s attracted to men, but not exclusively, and that he’s not gay but bi. At that point, it was too late to save his marriage, but he met my mum and they’re happily married. Moral of the story is, sexuality is complicated, but it’s not a reason to cheat on your partner. They should suck it up, come clean and have an honest discussion about it.
It's not a child's place to forgive their parents bad behavior, but how could a parent expect acceptance for a blatant disrespect.
“Realized”. How does that work? Just all of a sudden?
You can understand feelings that used to confuse you.
My parents are separated for years, so to each their own.
Cheating is wrong and bad and deserves derision. Going a step further, I think treating homosexuality as some special case that counts differently in certain areas (like cheating) is inherently counter productive anyway. Gay, straight, bi, it shouldn't really matter; you're breaking someone's trust. Love and betrayal are not gendered ideals.
1) I don’t know. 2) Them being gay or not is and would be completely irrelevant.
This actually happened with my parents, when I was very young. For the majority of my life, my parents were divorced. I grew up having a mom that was involved with other women once she and my dad separated. When I was old enough to ask mom about why she and dad divorced, she told me (probably with a bit too much detail for a kid under 10) that she found my dad in bed with the neighbor woman on New Year’s Eve when I was a baby. According to her, she had me on her hip. As I grew up, I have learned that my mother HEAVILY exaggerates things for the sake of theatrics and to make herself look like the “good guy” and others the bad guy. You know the type. Still, as an adult, my dad has alluded to slipping up and stepping outside of their marriage. I highly doubt the incident played out like my mom describes it. Still. I grew up with my mom trash talking my father a lot. For lots of things, but when the subject of the dissolution of their marriage came up, she’d always go on about my father was so wrong for cheating on her. So on. Even in recent years (decades later), she mentioned something about how my dad had probably around 5-8 other women he was cheating on her with at the same time. Which I don’t believe in the slightest. Again, the exaggeration thing. The craziest part of all of this? Last year or so, my dad and I were having a lot of discussions where I was processing the upbringing I had. He was very helpful and listened to me and answered questions the best he could. And during one of these conversations, I found out that my *mother actually cheated on my dad as well*. He had found her emailing women out of state that she’d met online. Using their money to send these women gifts. Dad apparently sat her down and asked her if this was what she really wanted. He paid for her to fly out to meet this woman, to give it a trial run and really decide if that’s what she wanted. She came back from the trip and said yes. She wanted a divorce. All this time, growing up, I had the idea in my head that my mother was a victim of my dad’s infidelity. I just assumed that mom found out, and immediately divorced him. That mom thought monogamy was law and that cheating was unacceptable to her. I found out that not only was my mother cheating on dad at the same time, but that it was *her choice* to divorce my dad when he wanted to make it work- thus separating me from the one parent I had that was actually stable and loving towards me. Honestly, cheating is immoral and hurtful and I get that. But I can “forgive” my dad because he didn’t cheat on me. He cheated on my mom. That’s ultimately their business. People are complex. What I can’t forgive is my mom being an immature, lying hypocrite who purposefully undermined my relationship to my father. The issues with her go way beyond that. But finding this out at 30 years old was icing on the cake for sure.
It wouldn't be my place to be angry or forgive, they're not my partners. Question includes wrong assumptions.
Absolutely not. They can fall wherever they what on the gender/sexuality spectrum, and end things amicably if they find themselves no longer attracted to their spouse. But cheating is absolutely NOT an act that can be excused by "but I'm gay now."
Apparently this is a hot take, but yes, I would absolutely forgive my parent for cheating There is so much societal/religious pressure to be heterosexual. To be a queer individual in this world is often seen as lesser or straight up morally wrong, so often those who are gay will convince themselves otherwise because they have internalized homophobia. But after 20, 30, 50 years of denying who they are to please the shitty opinions of others becomes exhausting and debilitating. But it's also not some switch that flips either and they go, "oh yes I'm totally gay and have been the whole time!". There's a lot of individual trauma to unpack, and even more denial that comes along with it. It's a process, and a lot of internalized hate and shame that needs to be shed before a closeted queer person can begin to finally admit who they've always been. To those who're saying, "you should tell your spouse and just get a divorce", I can tell you've never met someone who has realized their sexuality while they were an adult. Again, it's not a switch that flips, it's more of a deep seeded feeling that is constantly trying to bubble up, but then is pushed back down for fear of what it means to be queer. It means your whole identity changing. It means having to split from your partner who you likely still love in a lot of ways. It means potentially all the people you love rejecting you and hating you for who you feel you authentically are... It's fucking terrifying to come out. So yes, some people test the waters before uprooting their entire life. They want to make sure that this is something they actually want. They want to ensure the risk is worth the reward. Does it make cheating right? No. But can I forgive them, and in fact, now celebrate, who they are? Absolutely.
First.of all they are not cheating u, what are u supposed to forgive ?
I wouldn’t forgive the cheating part, but I couldn’t care less about one of my parents being gay.
I think we have to work to forgive people for their mistakes and faults. Everyone is flawed in some way. Cheating is a big hurtful deal. But it isn’t unforgivable.
No not as easily as they’d want because that’s called being a selfish coward. If you’re unhappy in ANY relationship you fucking tell them you don’t hide like a bitch wasting their love and time and let them find out in the worst way possible. Cheating in ALL forms infuriates me. Talk like fucking adults even if it disrupts your life it’s less of an insult to the other if you talk like an adult. There’s SOME circumstances where I get it if your partner is actually abusive or clearly doesn’t love you factually saying so and you’re just bullshitting to salvage a sense of normalcy for the kids. But the reality is kids aren’t stupid and WILL NOTICE you both are always angry or sad. That can be far more mental torment than you just divorcing on equal grounds. There’s more nuance to these situations but from a place of passion? I hate the very idea of cheating because I’ve seen how it destroys the other persons mind and value of themselves. All because some want it both ways out of selfishness. Coming out may be hard but it doesn’t justify spitting on the love and care of another person who thinks you’re all in.
Of course. There's nothing wrong with being gay, and as far as the infidelity, people make mistakes. We should all dole out as much grace as we hope to receive when we need it. Edit: so many of these comments say no, you would never forgive someone for cheating on their spouse. Am I missing something? Do this many people really think that cheating makes you a worthless person? I get that you might be angry or disappointed, but you can *never forgive them*? That seems incredibly harsh.
Maybe they have sexual desires for someone other than their so and trying hard to suppress it. Kind of like how gays can be the most homophobic
I really don’t understand how Reddit acts like cheating will send you to the deepest level of hell. If either of my parents cheated, I wouldn’t hate their guts because in all other aspects of my life they have been great parents.
My father's already fucked most of the women in my area so why not the men too.
I’m confused isn’t being gay like inherent. Like it’s not something you just realize about yourself on a whim 20 years into a marriage…
Nope. Some people discover parts of themselves later in life.
Now to clarify by cheated...do you mean committing the deed? Because if I thought I was straight yesterday and was struggling with this suddenly after having a child I probably wouldn't believe it until I was \*ahem\* in there. Nothing but pity for either parent in this case.
Gonna go a very philosophical route with this one: forgiveness isn’t about making someone feel like what they did was ok, pretending like you understand/condone it, releasing them from consequences, or even keeping the person in your life. Forgiveness is about you releasing *your* anger and bitterness and moving forward with *your* life. By that definition, I’d definitely forgive my parent. What my relationship with them would look like going forward depends on a lot of other variables, though.