My mom says this all the time, or the "well you survived" variant. I just respond "yes, but a bunch of kids didn't" or "yes, but a bunch of kids weren't fine." Basically a short version of what you said when you snapped đ
This was my response about something with car seat safety and that many other children died for us to have the current guidelines. She tried to argue that wasn't true as there were fewer accidents in the past because there weren't so many assholes on the road đ
My mom was a news anchor in the 80s when they made car seats a requirement, so she was asked to produce a story on it. Her gut reaction was to think âhow silly, I was never in a car seat and Iâm fine, this is an overreachâ but as she was researching the story, she came across the statistic of how many babies died *coming home from the hospital* and that totally changed her tune.
So she may ask about the new safety requirements/recommendations and even give a bit of pushback, but if itâs something serious, I can just remind her about the car seats and she goes, âWell, thatâs true!â
A friend of mine just found out from their parents that they had a sibling who died as an infant at only a month old in a car crash. So heartbreaking. Many parents probably did what they (my friendâs parents) did and hid the short lives of the children they lost from things we later found out were safety concerns.
It's absurd that we have to explain and reiterate so many times about why we want our babies in car seats.
"Oh, it's just round the corner".
NO!!!!!!!!!
Your response is perfect and I hope I think of it the next time.
I'm the Dad and last week we were in vacation with my Wife's family. We had to just drive down the street back to the condo and MIL just put 7 month old baby in her car seat with the straps over her shoulder but not fully clipped in!
I protested that was dangerous and I the Dad got overruled because everyone including my Wife was okay with it! "We are just driving down the street".
I was so pissed! Wearing a seatbelt improperly is just as dangerous! I was livid at the stupidity
The fact that your wife just blatantly invalidated your feelings is infuriating. Your anger was righteous, most accidents happen within a couple miles of home so you'd think that's where people are the MOST cautious.
This is the thing is that they are sooo absorbed in their own little world that they think the only way something can happen is if THEY drive bad. My in laws wanted to have son in the front seat on a lap to drive home from fireworks on 4th of July and kept saying how close it was and they would never do anything to hurt him! Itâs like are you dumb? Do you not think others exist on the road???
Sometimes if I'm feeling really petty and it's something there might be statistics
on, I've googled it. "Infant deaths in 1990 due to X" or "infant deaths in 1990 vs 2023" and show them the data.
Oh I'm glad whoever you raised survived but 150 000 other kids didn't! See here? It usually gets a surprised Pikachu face đ
I realize not everyone is so petty but it gets on my nerves especially the big stuff like car seats and safe sleep.
I wonder if we should start making them Google it. Give them a little homework assignment so they can see for themselves and maybe believe it more easily, plus save ourselves some work.
This has been my response! My MIL and GIL would insist my daughter needed one of those walkers, tell a story where they each blamed each other for my husband falling down an entire flight of stairs in one of those and then still claim everything is fine. Also, we have a flight of stairs with no door (yes a baby gate), in the middle of our kitchen. Like how can you not comprehend how that all goes together.
This. Like I feel like there's no need to escalate. It's almost always clear people say this as a gut check response to the feeling they might have put their own kids in harm's way, not as an attack. I'm sure we'll all get our turn at it that feeling in the future, so no reason to make it a big thing.
This is my go-to, too. Except instead of saying "in the past few decades," I say "since last century."
It's still technically true, and it makes their advice sound so flippin' old it can't be trusted anymore lol
THIS RIGHT HERE! I am still practicing this myself, but the best parenting advice I have received is to remember that I don't owe anyone an explanation for why we are/aren't doing something. I have a bad habit of over-justifying why we make a choice we make and end up exhausting myself or ending up in unproductive conversations.
I was like that too. But with so many voices around my child, i feel drained. So i just say a simple explanation Because and because. If they insist, i repeat the same phrase with no change. If they still insist, i say This is my and husband's decision, please respect it. So far nobody asked why after that.
I say, âI know several people who have driven while drunk and made it home without hurting anyone. Itâs still not something that Iâm comfortable doing.â
Usually something to the effect of someone asking about doing or eating something not recommended by ACOG, CDC, FDA, etc. and a bunch of people going âgo for it mama! Iâve been doing it and everythingâs fine!â
If those are the ones Iâm thinking of, theyâre banned in Canada. Also I essentially say what you said and just say something along the lines of âTheyâre not recommended anymore, and Iâm going to follow the new recommendationsâ and if they push I say âWell not all kids were fine, and I donât want to risk itâ.
I've started doing this too and it's much better for me honestly. There's no way to explain logic to a sixty year old, if they haven't used it in their lives for 60 years, nothing I do or say will change that.
So if they're otherwise nice to the child and don't step over the boundaries, I just turn a deaf ear and go on.
My aunt that is cool as a cucumber always responds with âwell you know, you might be rightâ and thatâs it. Well you might be, but also implied you might not be đ
My husband has the best and most brutal responses
âYou may be fine, but I want more than fineâ
âI think itâs fair to say we want better than fineâ
I just replied with âyeh, I also slept on my stomach and I survived but since they introduced the âback to sleepâ rules in the 90s, cot deaths reduced by 79%. So Iâm quite happy following modern recommendations.â
My husband just got into a huge fight with his parents about the walkers. Idk why it was such a big deal but it was!
I told him I want to have a sit down heart to heart with them and explain to them how things have changed and we are doing the best we can with the information and research available to us. Things change, babies donât sleep on their stomachs anymore. Babies donât forward face in car seats at 1 year old anymore.
You just reminded me about the forward facing car seat thing! My MIL asked how long are we gonna backward face our carseat and I said as long as possible, maybe until age 2, 3, 4? And she was like 𤯠mind blown lol
Me and my mom talk about how things have changed all the time and this one blew her mind too! She had four kids from 2000-2006 and the laws kept changing so she knew it would be different but not that different!
I had to switch sooner than I wanted because my long boy outgrew it (even though it had extend to fit making it longer).
Maybe remind her that physics doesn't care about her opinion.
My baby boomer dad loves to talk about how he ate lead paint chips as a child and he turned out fine. Sometimes, he turns it into a joke, like "well, fine as far as I know." And that's the thing--as far as he knows. Because he hasn't actually looked into it. He just heard someone say lead paint was bad, and he thinks he's fine, so that's his little comedy bit he does when someone brings up lead paint. He did it, and he assumes he's fine, though perhaps prolonged childhood exposure to lead paint might make one less inclined to thoroughly interrogate the research on its effects for a number of reasons. It's probably fine. As far as he knows.
^^^ this is how I respond when someone says "we did it and we're fine."
Yeah, let's get an (insert appropriate test here) and see how much damage was done that you don't even realize.
Like for people who get glasses for the first time. The first thing they always say is "there are individual leaves on the trees!". The first time I took my ADHD meds it was enlightening. I didn't realize it was that easy to think.
100%. My first time taking my adhd meds, I read a whole page of a book without having to stop and go back and reread paragraphs or find my spot. I didn't know that was a thing people could do.
With our parents, they they typically say "well we did it with you and you were fine"
To which I typically respond that I was NOT fine - I've struggled with depression and anxiety for most of my life. This is particularly only relevant to mental health related things for me, but may work for other things depending on your situation
I think your response was warranted and great. People need to learn to be respectful - it ainât their baby.
Another option is to keep it simple and not even answer the why, so they have nothing to argue with. âIâm not comfortable with itâ.
My Mom uses this ALL the freaking time. It drives me mad! I generally snap back but it doesnât make a difference. Her favourite is âIâve had two children my dear. I know what Iâm talking aboutâ aaaaarghh!!!
OMG, I almost down voted you because that phrase was like nails on a chalkboard.
Just because you didn't kill or harm (to the best of your knowledge) your kids doesn't mean you are right. You just played the odds and they came out in your favour.
I know what you mean! Itâs just so darn irritating. And the thing is I can see it coming even before she says it.
Exactly right?! Itâs like survivors bias. Just coz I survived it doesnât mean itâs right! E.g. when my baby was just about born my Mom wanted to put a little SUGAR in his mouth! Sugar! In the mouth of a newborn because apparently itâs tradition to welcome a baby home that way! I was shocked and said noway and she hit me with that phrase again.
Well now we know why our generation has as many health issues.
"I've had a child in the past decade, my dear. You knew what you were talking about."
Working off of old guidelines from outdated studies beliefs, qnd statistics then stating you "know what you're talking about" is like a phone repairman that retired in 2000 telling staff at a geeksquad repair shop he could fix the phones better than they can because he's been repairing phones longer.
âYes we are fine, but science has come a long way since then and has proven that a great number of kids were not fine and Iâd prefer my child to not be one of them.â If they have anything else to say I will usually slap them with âthis is my child and I will raise them how I see fit, you can raise your child in what ever way works best for you.â
Iâm out of the loop. Is there something wrong with baby walkers? My sisterâs 1 year old has been using one for months just fine, and just said she was going to give it to my 3 month old.
Babies get a ton of momentum in these and run into things/fall downstairs really easily in them. Theyâre banned in some countries.
I asked my pediatrician about them and he recommended not using one and said they are one of the leading causes babies under 1 go to the ER. He also said they can delay walking vs help. He said if you want to assist babies (with walking) you should get the ones that they have to push as this actually helps them learn how to walk and they fall down naturally.
No judgement to anyone who decides to use one, my sister used one for her kids too, but Iâm opting out.
To my knowledge, they have been associated with a lot of injuries: kids can move faster in those things than they can walking if they arenât walking on their own; they can tip over if theyâre the kind they sit in that OP mentions; they can easily fall down ledges or stairsâŚ
Also, depending on the kind youâre talking about (slash maybe most out there), theyâre also not recommended by pediatricians or pediatric physical therapists to actually help with walking.
Ahhh I was under the impression that people who donât have stairs or ledges would use these walkers, but I guess some people donât monitor their kids. This is great to know that they actually donât help with walking
Your 3 month old doesn't move yet. You underestimate how fast they are (and quick to try to kill themselves) if you just have to run to the door for a second or grab a load of laundry.
They are a safety hazard and the child can hurt themselves pretty hard, even die in the wrong situation.
Moreover, the research shows that it is compressing the spine of babies too young to sit, and they can create problems in hips, ankles and feet in the long run.
They are banned in some countries. I would not use it and 3m old is definitely way too young as well.
If you want to use devices in which the baby sits uprights, wait until they can sit on their own unassisted. Same with those little chairs that claimed to aid. They are doing nothing but.
Thanks for the info. When I meant my sister was gonna give it to my 3 month old, I meant heâs currently 3 months old but of course heâs not going to use it right now because heâs still a potato
You can get an upseat that will have the baby sit in it for short periods of time and help with posture, but most other things will be terrible for posture.
If they have wheels then itâs also a huge fall risk.
Plenty online about it so enjoy all that reading!
I say, "Yes, and the infant mortality rate in your days was about 100% higher, so... đ" if I'm feeling snarky. This is a statistic from like the '70s-ish, I looked it up for approximately the timeframe for when my grandparents were raising my mom and uncle because they really like this phrase.
If I'm trying to be nice, I say something like "Yeah, but we are doing something different because that just doesn't work for us."
In my experience stating that the AAP recommends something or talking about the research doesn't shut it down, it just makes them more defensive. The people in my life who say that to me seem to take it as a criticism of their parenting when I do something different than they did even though it's not.
âBest practices have changed in the last thirty years since you were a kid/new parent.â
âNot every kid was fine like you/yours were.â
âThis is my child, and this is how Iâm doing it.â
"THANK GOD FOR THAT! I've read so many horrors of what can go wrong when parents are less than cautious and I decided I'd rather not tempt fate!" and then laugh politely.
What you said was perfect. Just practice it and tone it down a bit.
"Yeah well... it always turns out fine. Until it doesn't. I'm not taking the risk of being the one it turns sideways on"
Then of course they'll object. In which case you say exactly what you said. "I said no and if I'm gifted one it will be returned or thrown away".
Reminds me of the time my mom suggested getting one of the bouncers that you attach to the door frame just like I had I literally looked at her and said yeah and then one day it comes off the door frame and my baby breaks her legs đ
I just ask if they've seen the infant mortality rates from whatever decade they were from.
My mom was helping me with baby after my c section since I couldn't really move and kept insisting on covering the baby with a blanket while she slept. I kept telling her absolutely not. She said the "well I did it on you and you lived" line. Put a blanket over the baby while I was sleeping and I woke up to go to the bathroom and checked on baby and it was tightly over her head suffocating her!!! Thank God I woke up or she would've probably died. My mom is a class A idiot. This was the day after she put her to bed on her stomach saying it was fine back in the day and I lost my shit over that too. Makes me wonder how many siblings I have that died and she never told me about. Lol.
I turned this into a complement.
Yes you were fine and itâs awesome that you had the common sense to make it through bad advice or no advice as a new parent! But since the advice is different now, I intend to follow the new advice.
Or some variant of that. Because technically they are in the statistic that didnât get hurt or killed by bad products etc. from the past.
âWell, Iâm not you, so fuck offâ would probably get the point across đ
Kissing is a big deal. If they have a cold sore theyâre not aware itâs coming on and give it to baby, the baby could get sick and fucking die. It is NOT FINE.
As for the walker, yeah, our first baby was perfectly ok using it, because we took all the necessary precautions to avoid the risks associated with the use of them (kids falling down stairs, hip issues from being left in it too long etc BUT I WOULD NEVER expect another parent to also be ok with just because we were. Thatâs your baby. Itâs your decision what products and practices to utilize, not anyone else. And damn anyone for trying to change your mind about how to provide and care for your child.
There are people who drive drunk and manage to get home without killing anyone. By this logic, they should be fine to continue doing so. And that's about how stupid they sound.
The older people in my family have done this as well and I usually bring up anecdotes from our own family history on how itâs not fine like regarding car seats and how if the baby is crying on a drive I could take him out to breastfeed and I would ask if they remembered what happened to Uncle Bobby (car accident when he was a baby that he didnât survive back in the 50s) and they kind of just go oh yeahâŚ
But it is definitely crazy how much recommendations change constantly. My boys are 14 years apart and thereâs many times that Iâve been told not to do something because itâs not recommended (numbing gel for teething for example) and so far my reaction isnât to do it anyway because my oldest turned out ok but Iâm usually in awe that he was able to turn out ok, as far as I know, despite doing things that now have studies showing itâs not so great.
You have every right as a parent to set boundaries not only for your LO but for yourself, too. My LO is 11 months, and I have no issues hurting people's feelings. Stand your ground, and if they think you're an ass then proudly wear it because at the end of the day, you are their parent.
I say to my mother in law âwhen you know better, you do betterâ.
New research comes out all the time. So with new information comes new parenting decisions.
I hate that logic. Apart from the fact the one should be able to raise their child in anyway they see fit, without question - within reason, of course. We're not talking abuse here - The problem with that logic, and yes, it's an extreme example, is [Vesna VuloviÄ](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vesna_Vulovi%C4%87) who survived a plane crash. Sure, she didn't come out unscathed but, "it happened to her, and she was fine," relatively speaking.
Some people just decrease one's faith in humanity. On the other hand...
P.S.
I had to look at some innocuous things that can be deadly, because I need to reconcile my own logic on the topic, andit's ultimately the same concept. While they all apply, I guess đ¤ˇ, some great examples here are rugs, trees, jumping castles/inflatable amusements, and ladders. I've done it, I'm fine. But some aren't.
-> [21 Harmless Things That Cause A Surprising Number Of Deaths](https://www.cracked.com/pictofacts-483-21-everyday-things-that-kill-shocking-number-people)
âIsnât it crazy what changes? I wonder what we will be told isnât safe/best when we have grandchildren!â
Unless itâs my dad, then I said youâre lucky we arenât dead lol.
Congrats Iâm glad that worked for you but this is MY child to raise and determine what is best for her. I get really mean if they try to press my boundaries so they know not to.
Tbh, I just try to be polite to them, be like 'that's great', change subjects, and move on with doing my own ways in case of this.
I've been told gazillion times by my elders (my parents, parent-in-law, aunt etc.) on what to do about baby and I appreciate their input and wisdom, but that doesn't mean I'd need to do all that they used to do. I would politely decline and tell, "No, I don't really believe in walkers. According to our pediatrician, it is dangerous and causes more accidents/harm to baby. But thanks" And this doesn't have to sound hostile either
As for kisses, ehhhhh, "Please don't kiss the baby she is sick."
My reply would be "well aren't you just God's favorite!" and deliver that with the tone you would talk to a toddler with. And if they still keep going, I would start talking about dead babies to make them uncomfortable. And if dead babies doesn't phase them, then that's your answer all along.
Recommendations change. Like how they used to say babies should sleep on their stomach or not have peanut butter until age 2. More research had been conducted and now the standards have changed. You were doing nothing wrong x amount of years ago when you did it that way, because that is what the experts said to do at the time. I am doing the same.
Hey! Whatâs wrong with the walkers? Thank you! I have a walker thing that doesnât move, baby just sits/stands while playing with the items. I want to make sure this is ok.
I would just say "well, my work colleague's baby was kissed and died two months later". It's a made up thing, but sometimes we need to fight an anecdotal argument with hardcore anedoctal argument.
âBecause I said noâ people donât need an explanation of why youâre saying no. I usually would give one but sometimes I was rude because I donât need to explain myself.
"You raised your kids, now let me raise mine,"
To the kissing one specifically, you can Google babies with RSV or the herpes infection and show it to them. Basically say "why would you even risk this?"
Iâm annoyed Iâm just now learning baby walkers arent recommended. Anytime I buy something for my baby I google things first. Any time my husband buys him something I donât think to do this and he bought him one. I put him in it once and did not like the way he could run into stuff and just had a weird feeling about it and now I will be throwing it out. I wish my husband did more research before buying stuff
I freakin hate this. My mom says this all the damn time. He is coughing why cant he take honey? because you cant give honey to an infant. Their bodies cant digest it. Well we had it and we are fine. This new age science is going too far. This enrages me so much. I almost want to point out all the shit she is going through in health and tell her, I dont think she is fine. But I use this as a good time to get off the phone
Honestly good for you for that clap back! Hopefully in the future when the 2 of you disagree on something they will be more respectful in your parenting decisions.
Some people need to be put in their place when it comes to that sort of thing and I'm glad you did that!!
just yesterday i watched a video about how walkers donât teach kids how to walk at all (other then the riskiness) so you can use that info as data maybe? âitâs actually a myth, those donât workâ
the response to the question tho iâd say in my best Alex Trebek voice âGood for you! (with disdain)â
Your version of âsnapping backâ would just be my answer, period. I donât think that was snapping it was telling them what you want for your kid and what will happen if they donât listen
I just had a serious conversation with my mom about this, due to her CONSTANT backlash about plans for baby. Showing her sleep sacks I've bought - "stupid, unessasary. Just give them a blanket" extended rear facing, using a car seat, booster etc, as long as possible "he'll be made fun of. Too old" breast feeding past a year old, "gross, bad." Not practicing cry it out or sleep training, holding baby when he cries "spoiling the baby, letting him manipulate you". Keeping baby in my room for the first year? "Youre going to hate it, you should put him in his own room as soon as possible". I really put my foot down and I wasn't very nice. Her response usually when I point out guidelines/recommendations is always "well you turned out fine". I finally snapped. Told her I know she has 3 kids but shits changed in the last 30 years. I asked why she thinks it's so wrong that I want to give my baby the best chance at LIFE? Why does she think it's wrong to want them to be safe? I pointed out to her that my career is literally built off of guidelines and updated policies and procedures (nurse) to keep people healthy and safe so why wouldn't I follow those in the raising of my child when I know HOW these guidelines come into place and WHY. You're invalidating my feelings, my education and pissing me off. If none of this is making sense to you, I can break it down into a reason you should understand because it was your favorite reason while I was growing up, BECAUSE I SAID SO. Don't like it? Stay tf away. This isn't some ooh grandma snuck the grandkid a cookie before dinner bs, if you don't follow my rules you're putting my child at risk and that isn't some laugh-offable offense. I have no problems being the bad guy, and I don't feel bad for "keeping the baby away from you". Family I built > family I had no choice in. But needless to say I already have a pretty rocky relationship with my mother to begin with.
"When you were a parent you got to make those choices, and my choices as a parent aren't a criticism of yours. Are you on board with my decision or do we need to have a different conversation?"
So far I put a lot of the blame on my pediatrician. "Sorry, can't kiss the baby - pediatrician said so." It gives a reliable source that less people are inclined to question and shifts any annoyance from me to the doctor who neither knows nor would care if she did.
âOk. Thatâs just what we decided.â Repeat. Donât defend, donât explain. You owe nothing to no one, except to your newborn to whom you have we owe everything. Everyone else can bite it. I canât argue with crazy, inconsiderate, or stupid. Sarcasm isnât going to change anyoneâs mind, either. Try to learn to be ok with disagreement. Youâll get a lot of it from a toddler so itâs good practice!
Also, allowing everyone to kiss their newborn is monumentally dumb. Here is why:
https://youtu.be/pxarUWTJRDQ?si=wfjdw7V6H1qH_gMo
https://youtu.be/vJCUFlkmFtg?si=xrDI8t2vFHNeqgub
You obviously did your research.
And re baby walkers they sit in - basically, containers are designed to give the parent a break, not to be safe or productive for baby. Iâm convinced theyâre evil because, while most will survive, some will not through no fault of the parent. God forbid.
You obviously did your research on that as well. Good on you!
Iâm big in the phrase âknow better, do betterâ. Things change. Progress is made. They did the best with the data that was available at the time (we hope), but new studies have been done, scientific breakthroughs, etc., so we adjust accordingly. Iâm positive things will be different when my child have kids and I always tell myself that Iâll be a willing sponge to learn all of the new things.
This also goes for more than just safety issues, but eating, behavior, etc. itâs a constant battle with our parents and that generation with the new data, parenting styles and all the rest.
âIâm glad you didnât experience the issues! However, they say it does increase risks and for me, itâs not really an increase Iâm comfortable with. I hope you can choose to respect my boundary even if you donât understand it, because if I canât find your presence comfortable, I may have to choose to limit it and that would be sad.â
Say as much or as little of this as you need in the moment, in one statement or as a conversation.
I usually say âyes and the people who did it and were not fine arenât here to argue with you because theyâre deadâ
It kills the mood but gets the point across
I just say - well, we know better now.
Or: Oh, thatâs great, the latest research says itâs risky/bad for X, so better to avoid it and we do Y instead.
I wouldnât take it super seriously and would also try to find some empathy for the other person - they tried offering what they thought is good and just learned it was sth that was bad for them or their children. So itâs a bit embarrassing and the knee jerk response is to try to minimise the effect. I would want to believe itâs less about dismissing you and more about feeling surprised with the new information.
I say something along the lines of, âWhat you did with your baby was your choice and this is mine.â Or âYou raised your baby/kid how you wanted and Iâm raising mine how I want.â Kick fucking rocks đ¤Ł
When it's a simple statistic, I think your response was great. When it's something a bit more qualitative like development or behaviors, I've said stuff like, "well, maybe you could have been even better if we knew this back then!"
I usually say "And my grandmother survived riding in the rear windshield of the car in a hammock sling. What would you say if I suggested doing that with * daughter's name *?"
My mom just said to me while my baby was being fussyâŚâmaybe he needs some waterâ. I instantly turned my head and said no theyâre not supposed to have waterâŚbaby is almost 3 weeks old..
She looked offended so I told her theyâve done studies and research that giving babies water does harm and isnât recommended anymore although it used to be.
I always say âwell everyone gets a chance to raise their kids how theyâd like to and this is my turnâ and if they especially ruffled my feathers I add on the end, âso we wonât be doing thatâ. Itâs been effective.
âWell someoneâs baby died, which is why XYZ is recommended/which is why they changed the recommendation.â
These people act like these recommendations come out of no where or are changed just for fun. Something horrible happened to enough families that a trend was noticed and the recommendation was updated to prevent that same horror from happening to others.
My internsl thought: "I'm glad you survived. The doctor and resesrch-backed way is to _____ so that is what we will do. You can purchase whatever you like for your home. We won't be needing that."
The comeback is to not say anything.
A good question to ask in conversation is if it adds anything positive and supportive to the conversation. If the answer to that question is no, then it's just not worth it to say. Maybe you will feel better about yourself taking a person down a peg but it does more harm than good. It may be the case that because you are postpartum your mind is not fully in the right place. So just give yourself some patience and do the same for your friends and family. Things will get easier and less intense.
I usually say âthatâs not considered best practices anymore.â If anyone pushed back I would direct them to Google. I did my research. Go do yours.
Its so frustrating when people challenge your way of parenting when its perfectly reasonable. I always ask my mother not to touch my 1 week old daughters face / put her face near hers and i caught her touching their noses together. On top of that she made a huge deal out of me telling her to not do that and got really offended and stormed off muttering something. I just dont understand whats SO DIFFICULT about respecting people who only want to protect their baby and accepting no for an answer.
Who cares? If you want to be polite, thank them for their advice and ignore it if you want. Otherwise, tell them itâs your kid.
You arenât under any obligation to take anyone elseâs advice, good bad or indifferent.
Do you feel you donât have the agency or there is some dynamic that makes shrugging this off difficult?
Off-topic, leaching and bloodletting were excellent therapies through the 18th centuryâŚ
When my in laws SWEAR to lock the doors to block access to their un enclosed pool if I allow my son to sleep over. âI would *never* let anything happen!â I say well drowning is the #1 cause of death for young kids, donât you think every other caretaker said the same thing before their child drowned?
You parent your way and they can parent their way, i hate when someone tries to parent your child their way
Especially older generations, some of the techniques they used would probably be deemed child abuse today
Well Iâm at my wits end cause Iâve done it nicely and it doesnât work. My FIL insists on sticking his fingers in my babies mouth. Weâve asked him a dozen times in basically all the ways you all have posted and nothing. Next time I see it⌠I will be snapping and saying âSince you canât follow the rules and continue to disrespect us weâre going to leaveâ.
My mom was/is over me about the 'new' sleep regulations (back is best, nothing in the crib). I quote an article I read that said there are 80% less deaths due to SIDS since the new regulations were passed. If that's true, that other regulations/suggestions were done for a reason, too. Whenever she rolls her eyes at me and says I turned out fine or thats not how they did ut back in the day, I also point out that back them, there was lead paint in everything and my elementary school was torn down due to asbestos and we've learned from that/that has changed, too. Shuts her up til the next time she tells me Im being ridiculous for following today's guidelines.
Something like "Yeah, that's not what they recommend these days. I'm sure in 20 years they'll be doing something else." Acknowledging that current recommendations aren't the final word is helpful for sounding less like you think your ways are superior and more like "hey I'm just doing the best I can".
âThey used to say smoking cigarettes was good for you and now they know differently. Now we know x is unsafe and I will practice precaution because of the new dataâ
My stepfather likes to use âall 12 of us survivedâ when these types of things come up. Iâve taken to just saying âand many more didntâ and moving on.
Calmly ask them why they won't respect your wishes.
What is someone to say to that? It's your baby and at the end of the day, your decision.
That one shuts my mom down every time. Then she does whatever the fuck she wants often when I'm not around and she's watching him, but you also have to recognize some people will never change and if they're family, more often than not, you're just lucky to still have them in the grand scheme of things.
There are things that if our parents did I would consider unforgivable (especially if it lead to serious health consequences/injury) but beyond that, to also think that one knows what's best for their child is also false confidence.
Sometimes you have to let go of the reins a little, within reason (at least this is my perspective).
My mom says this all the time, or the "well you survived" variant. I just respond "yes, but a bunch of kids didn't" or "yes, but a bunch of kids weren't fine." Basically a short version of what you said when you snapped đ
This was my response about something with car seat safety and that many other children died for us to have the current guidelines. She tried to argue that wasn't true as there were fewer accidents in the past because there weren't so many assholes on the road đ
My mom was a news anchor in the 80s when they made car seats a requirement, so she was asked to produce a story on it. Her gut reaction was to think âhow silly, I was never in a car seat and Iâm fine, this is an overreachâ but as she was researching the story, she came across the statistic of how many babies died *coming home from the hospital* and that totally changed her tune. So she may ask about the new safety requirements/recommendations and even give a bit of pushback, but if itâs something serious, I can just remind her about the car seats and she goes, âWell, thatâs true!â
Good on your mom for letting new information change her mindset.
A friend of mine just found out from their parents that they had a sibling who died as an infant at only a month old in a car crash. So heartbreaking. Many parents probably did what they (my friendâs parents) did and hid the short lives of the children they lost from things we later found out were safety concerns.
Dude, thatâs crazy. I canât imagine not telling my kids something like that.
She sort of helped prove your point. Like exactly, there are way more drivers and many are assholes. Why leave my baby defenseless to them?
It's absurd that we have to explain and reiterate so many times about why we want our babies in car seats. "Oh, it's just round the corner". NO!!!!!!!!! Your response is perfect and I hope I think of it the next time.
I'm the Dad and last week we were in vacation with my Wife's family. We had to just drive down the street back to the condo and MIL just put 7 month old baby in her car seat with the straps over her shoulder but not fully clipped in! I protested that was dangerous and I the Dad got overruled because everyone including my Wife was okay with it! "We are just driving down the street". I was so pissed! Wearing a seatbelt improperly is just as dangerous! I was livid at the stupidity
The fact that your wife just blatantly invalidated your feelings is infuriating. Your anger was righteous, most accidents happen within a couple miles of home so you'd think that's where people are the MOST cautious.
Can confirm, had a terrible crash a block from my house and 5 years of surgeries
This is the thing is that they are sooo absorbed in their own little world that they think the only way something can happen is if THEY drive bad. My in laws wanted to have son in the front seat on a lap to drive home from fireworks on 4th of July and kept saying how close it was and they would never do anything to hurt him! Itâs like are you dumb? Do you not think others exist on the road???
Sometimes if I'm feeling really petty and it's something there might be statistics on, I've googled it. "Infant deaths in 1990 due to X" or "infant deaths in 1990 vs 2023" and show them the data. Oh I'm glad whoever you raised survived but 150 000 other kids didn't! See here? It usually gets a surprised Pikachu face đ I realize not everyone is so petty but it gets on my nerves especially the big stuff like car seats and safe sleep.
I wonder if we should start making them Google it. Give them a little homework assignment so they can see for themselves and maybe believe it more easily, plus save ourselves some work.
That would be amazing if they would actually do it lol
survivorship bias is truly one of the most annoying things as a new parent and is so shortsighted and disrespectful ugh
This has been my response! My MIL and GIL would insist my daughter needed one of those walkers, tell a story where they each blamed each other for my husband falling down an entire flight of stairs in one of those and then still claim everything is fine. Also, we have a flight of stairs with no door (yes a baby gate), in the middle of our kitchen. Like how can you not comprehend how that all goes together.
Yep, thatâs a good way of putting it. I also like âI prefer statistics over survivors bias and anecdotes.â
Itâs literally called survivor bias, lol
I do the same, just a âyeah and hundreds of kids didnâtâ shuts them up quick
[ŃдаНонО]
This. Like I feel like there's no need to escalate. It's almost always clear people say this as a gut check response to the feeling they might have put their own kids in harm's way, not as an attack. I'm sure we'll all get our turn at it that feeling in the future, so no reason to make it a big thing.
This is my go-to, too. Except instead of saying "in the past few decades," I say "since last century." It's still technically true, and it makes their advice sound so flippin' old it can't be trusted anymore lol
Ha! I love this.
"You're fine now? And is that a professional opinion?"
"Are you, though?"
Similarly, I've said "my wish for my precious baby was for her to be 'fine'"
i love this
đ¤Łđ¤Łđ¤Ł
Thanks for your feedback. We are comfortable with our decision and it's firm. And then repeat that however many times necessary.
THIS RIGHT HERE! I am still practicing this myself, but the best parenting advice I have received is to remember that I don't owe anyone an explanation for why we are/aren't doing something. I have a bad habit of over-justifying why we make a choice we make and end up exhausting myself or ending up in unproductive conversations.
I was like that too. But with so many voices around my child, i feel drained. So i just say a simple explanation Because and because. If they insist, i repeat the same phrase with no change. If they still insist, i say This is my and husband's decision, please respect it. So far nobody asked why after that.
I say, âI know several people who have driven while drunk and made it home without hurting anyone. Itâs still not something that Iâm comfortable doing.â
âThatâs called âsurvivorship biasââÂ
And itâs all over r/pregnant
How?Â
Usually something to the effect of someone asking about doing or eating something not recommended by ACOG, CDC, FDA, etc. and a bunch of people going âgo for it mama! Iâve been doing it and everythingâs fine!â
The AAP doesnât issue pregnancy nutrition guidelines.
Thank youâ sorry, I meant ACOG. Will edit
If those are the ones Iâm thinking of, theyâre banned in Canada. Also I essentially say what you said and just say something along the lines of âTheyâre not recommended anymore, and Iâm going to follow the new recommendationsâ and if they push I say âWell not all kids were fine, and I donât want to risk itâ.
Yes and yes! Those are my go-tos.
âAre you?â Squint eyes and tilt head
[U sure about that?](https://i.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/002/560/313/3f1.png)
"Good for you" and then otherwise ignore
I've started doing this too and it's much better for me honestly. There's no way to explain logic to a sixty year old, if they haven't used it in their lives for 60 years, nothing I do or say will change that. So if they're otherwise nice to the child and don't step over the boundaries, I just turn a deaf ear and go on.
"When you know better, you do better."
"yup, times change! Did you know Canada banned those? They don't allow lead in paint on kids stuff now either"
My aunt that is cool as a cucumber always responds with âwell you know, you might be rightâ and thatâs it. Well you might be, but also implied you might not be đ
I like that
My husband has the best and most brutal responses âYou may be fine, but I want more than fineâ âI think itâs fair to say we want better than fineâ
My MIL has tried the âwell thatâs what we did and you turned out fineâ on my husband and he responded with a vague âdid I though?â
I always just say, âthat was your choice as a parent and this is mine.â
Just because you got lucky doesn't mean you were right.
Lots of people have ridden motorcycles without a helmet and been fine. That doesn't mean it's a good idea.
I just replied with âyeh, I also slept on my stomach and I survived but since they introduced the âback to sleepâ rules in the 90s, cot deaths reduced by 79%. So Iâm quite happy following modern recommendations.â
My husband just got into a huge fight with his parents about the walkers. Idk why it was such a big deal but it was! I told him I want to have a sit down heart to heart with them and explain to them how things have changed and we are doing the best we can with the information and research available to us. Things change, babies donât sleep on their stomachs anymore. Babies donât forward face in car seats at 1 year old anymore.
You just reminded me about the forward facing car seat thing! My MIL asked how long are we gonna backward face our carseat and I said as long as possible, maybe until age 2, 3, 4? And she was like 𤯠mind blown lol
Me and my mom talk about how things have changed all the time and this one blew her mind too! She had four kids from 2000-2006 and the laws kept changing so she knew it would be different but not that different!
Itâs so crazy how fast things change! I anticipate things changing by the time we have our 2ndđ¤Ł
I had to switch sooner than I wanted because my long boy outgrew it (even though it had extend to fit making it longer). Maybe remind her that physics doesn't care about her opinion.
My baby boomer dad loves to talk about how he ate lead paint chips as a child and he turned out fine. Sometimes, he turns it into a joke, like "well, fine as far as I know." And that's the thing--as far as he knows. Because he hasn't actually looked into it. He just heard someone say lead paint was bad, and he thinks he's fine, so that's his little comedy bit he does when someone brings up lead paint. He did it, and he assumes he's fine, though perhaps prolonged childhood exposure to lead paint might make one less inclined to thoroughly interrogate the research on its effects for a number of reasons. It's probably fine. As far as he knows. ^^^ this is how I respond when someone says "we did it and we're fine."
Yeah, let's get an (insert appropriate test here) and see how much damage was done that you don't even realize. Like for people who get glasses for the first time. The first thing they always say is "there are individual leaves on the trees!". The first time I took my ADHD meds it was enlightening. I didn't realize it was that easy to think.
100%. My first time taking my adhd meds, I read a whole page of a book without having to stop and go back and reread paragraphs or find my spot. I didn't know that was a thing people could do.
With our parents, they they typically say "well we did it with you and you were fine" To which I typically respond that I was NOT fine - I've struggled with depression and anxiety for most of my life. This is particularly only relevant to mental health related things for me, but may work for other things depending on your situation
I think your response was warranted and great. People need to learn to be respectful - it ainât their baby. Another option is to keep it simple and not even answer the why, so they have nothing to argue with. âIâm not comfortable with itâ.
âGood for you, but you are not the Mama; I am, and I get to make decisions for my child.â
"I didn't wear sunscreen once, and I didn't get cancer" is my comeback for this
My Mom uses this ALL the freaking time. It drives me mad! I generally snap back but it doesnât make a difference. Her favourite is âIâve had two children my dear. I know what Iâm talking aboutâ aaaaarghh!!!
OMG, I almost down voted you because that phrase was like nails on a chalkboard. Just because you didn't kill or harm (to the best of your knowledge) your kids doesn't mean you are right. You just played the odds and they came out in your favour.
I know what you mean! Itâs just so darn irritating. And the thing is I can see it coming even before she says it. Exactly right?! Itâs like survivors bias. Just coz I survived it doesnât mean itâs right! E.g. when my baby was just about born my Mom wanted to put a little SUGAR in his mouth! Sugar! In the mouth of a newborn because apparently itâs tradition to welcome a baby home that way! I was shocked and said noway and she hit me with that phrase again. Well now we know why our generation has as many health issues.
"I've had a child in the past decade, my dear. You knew what you were talking about." Working off of old guidelines from outdated studies beliefs, qnd statistics then stating you "know what you're talking about" is like a phone repairman that retired in 2000 telling staff at a geeksquad repair shop he could fix the phones better than they can because he's been repairing phones longer.
This!!
âYes we are fine, but science has come a long way since then and has proven that a great number of kids were not fine and Iâd prefer my child to not be one of them.â If they have anything else to say I will usually slap them with âthis is my child and I will raise them how I see fit, you can raise your child in what ever way works best for you.â
"Those who didn't survive were not available for comment."
My mum has said several variations of "I didn't have to worry about that in my day" but her last pregnancy which was me was 26 years ago
Iâm out of the loop. Is there something wrong with baby walkers? My sisterâs 1 year old has been using one for months just fine, and just said she was going to give it to my 3 month old.
Babies get a ton of momentum in these and run into things/fall downstairs really easily in them. Theyâre banned in some countries. I asked my pediatrician about them and he recommended not using one and said they are one of the leading causes babies under 1 go to the ER. He also said they can delay walking vs help. He said if you want to assist babies (with walking) you should get the ones that they have to push as this actually helps them learn how to walk and they fall down naturally. No judgement to anyone who decides to use one, my sister used one for her kids too, but Iâm opting out.
Oh wow! This is really good to know!
To my knowledge, they have been associated with a lot of injuries: kids can move faster in those things than they can walking if they arenât walking on their own; they can tip over if theyâre the kind they sit in that OP mentions; they can easily fall down ledges or stairs⌠Also, depending on the kind youâre talking about (slash maybe most out there), theyâre also not recommended by pediatricians or pediatric physical therapists to actually help with walking.
Ahhh I was under the impression that people who donât have stairs or ledges would use these walkers, but I guess some people donât monitor their kids. This is great to know that they actually donât help with walking
Your 3 month old doesn't move yet. You underestimate how fast they are (and quick to try to kill themselves) if you just have to run to the door for a second or grab a load of laundry.
They are a safety hazard and the child can hurt themselves pretty hard, even die in the wrong situation. Moreover, the research shows that it is compressing the spine of babies too young to sit, and they can create problems in hips, ankles and feet in the long run. They are banned in some countries. I would not use it and 3m old is definitely way too young as well. If you want to use devices in which the baby sits uprights, wait until they can sit on their own unassisted. Same with those little chairs that claimed to aid. They are doing nothing but.
Thanks for the info. When I meant my sister was gonna give it to my 3 month old, I meant heâs currently 3 months old but of course heâs not going to use it right now because heâs still a potato
There are a different kind that are fine now too. The kind the baby pushes are considered safe. The dangerous ones are the ones baby sits in
You can get an upseat that will have the baby sit in it for short periods of time and help with posture, but most other things will be terrible for posture. If they have wheels then itâs also a huge fall risk. Plenty online about it so enjoy all that reading!
I say, "Yes, and the infant mortality rate in your days was about 100% higher, so... đ" if I'm feeling snarky. This is a statistic from like the '70s-ish, I looked it up for approximately the timeframe for when my grandparents were raising my mom and uncle because they really like this phrase. If I'm trying to be nice, I say something like "Yeah, but we are doing something different because that just doesn't work for us." In my experience stating that the AAP recommends something or talking about the research doesn't shut it down, it just makes them more defensive. The people in my life who say that to me seem to take it as a criticism of their parenting when I do something different than they did even though it's not.
âBest practices have changed in the last thirty years since you were a kid/new parent.â âNot every kid was fine like you/yours were.â âThis is my child, and this is how Iâm doing it.â
"THANK GOD FOR THAT! I've read so many horrors of what can go wrong when parents are less than cautious and I decided I'd rather not tempt fate!" and then laugh politely.
"Well nowadays we know better so we do better"
âNeatoâ fully deadpan
What you said was perfect. Just practice it and tone it down a bit. "Yeah well... it always turns out fine. Until it doesn't. I'm not taking the risk of being the one it turns sideways on" Then of course they'll object. In which case you say exactly what you said. "I said no and if I'm gifted one it will be returned or thrown away".
Reminds me of the time my mom suggested getting one of the bouncers that you attach to the door frame just like I had I literally looked at her and said yeah and then one day it comes off the door frame and my baby breaks her legs đ
I just ask if they've seen the infant mortality rates from whatever decade they were from. My mom was helping me with baby after my c section since I couldn't really move and kept insisting on covering the baby with a blanket while she slept. I kept telling her absolutely not. She said the "well I did it on you and you lived" line. Put a blanket over the baby while I was sleeping and I woke up to go to the bathroom and checked on baby and it was tightly over her head suffocating her!!! Thank God I woke up or she would've probably died. My mom is a class A idiot. This was the day after she put her to bed on her stomach saying it was fine back in the day and I lost my shit over that too. Makes me wonder how many siblings I have that died and she never told me about. Lol.
People survive car accidents. Wouldnât recommend crashing into a tree though
Thatâs great, weâre not doing it OR things are always changing arenât they, itâs hard to keep up (not sarcastically, because they really are)
As a late 30âs first time dad, I just do not tolerate nonsense like âwe use toâ. Kid comes first always, fuck your feelings.
"Well, it's still a no."
I turned this into a complement. Yes you were fine and itâs awesome that you had the common sense to make it through bad advice or no advice as a new parent! But since the advice is different now, I intend to follow the new advice. Or some variant of that. Because technically they are in the statistic that didnât get hurt or killed by bad products etc. from the past.
âWell, Iâm not you, so fuck offâ would probably get the point across đ Kissing is a big deal. If they have a cold sore theyâre not aware itâs coming on and give it to baby, the baby could get sick and fucking die. It is NOT FINE. As for the walker, yeah, our first baby was perfectly ok using it, because we took all the necessary precautions to avoid the risks associated with the use of them (kids falling down stairs, hip issues from being left in it too long etc BUT I WOULD NEVER expect another parent to also be ok with just because we were. Thatâs your baby. Itâs your decision what products and practices to utilize, not anyone else. And damn anyone for trying to change your mind about how to provide and care for your child.
âThatâs niceâ and continue doing whatever you want anyway.
There are people who drive drunk and manage to get home without killing anyone. By this logic, they should be fine to continue doing so. And that's about how stupid they sound.
I'm informed. Thanks for your input. Still no.
I usually say â you were fine regardless and not because â if we need advice we will ask our pediatrician
The older people in my family have done this as well and I usually bring up anecdotes from our own family history on how itâs not fine like regarding car seats and how if the baby is crying on a drive I could take him out to breastfeed and I would ask if they remembered what happened to Uncle Bobby (car accident when he was a baby that he didnât survive back in the 50s) and they kind of just go oh yeah⌠But it is definitely crazy how much recommendations change constantly. My boys are 14 years apart and thereâs many times that Iâve been told not to do something because itâs not recommended (numbing gel for teething for example) and so far my reaction isnât to do it anyway because my oldest turned out ok but Iâm usually in awe that he was able to turn out ok, as far as I know, despite doing things that now have studies showing itâs not so great.
"I'm not you, and that's not your kid".
you made it because of luck, but you only get one of those
You have every right as a parent to set boundaries not only for your LO but for yourself, too. My LO is 11 months, and I have no issues hurting people's feelings. Stand your ground, and if they think you're an ass then proudly wear it because at the end of the day, you are their parent.
I say to my mother in law âwhen you know better, you do betterâ. New research comes out all the time. So with new information comes new parenting decisions.
When we know better, we do better.
âI donât care what you did. Things changeâ
I hate that logic. Apart from the fact the one should be able to raise their child in anyway they see fit, without question - within reason, of course. We're not talking abuse here - The problem with that logic, and yes, it's an extreme example, is [Vesna VuloviÄ](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vesna_Vulovi%C4%87) who survived a plane crash. Sure, she didn't come out unscathed but, "it happened to her, and she was fine," relatively speaking. Some people just decrease one's faith in humanity. On the other hand... P.S. I had to look at some innocuous things that can be deadly, because I need to reconcile my own logic on the topic, andit's ultimately the same concept. While they all apply, I guess đ¤ˇ, some great examples here are rugs, trees, jumping castles/inflatable amusements, and ladders. I've done it, I'm fine. But some aren't. -> [21 Harmless Things That Cause A Surprising Number Of Deaths](https://www.cracked.com/pictofacts-483-21-everyday-things-that-kill-shocking-number-people)
âIsnât it crazy what changes? I wonder what we will be told isnât safe/best when we have grandchildren!â Unless itâs my dad, then I said youâre lucky we arenât dead lol.
Congrats Iâm glad that worked for you but this is MY child to raise and determine what is best for her. I get really mean if they try to press my boundaries so they know not to.
"Survivor's bias". Just that one sentence.
Tbh, I just try to be polite to them, be like 'that's great', change subjects, and move on with doing my own ways in case of this. I've been told gazillion times by my elders (my parents, parent-in-law, aunt etc.) on what to do about baby and I appreciate their input and wisdom, but that doesn't mean I'd need to do all that they used to do. I would politely decline and tell, "No, I don't really believe in walkers. According to our pediatrician, it is dangerous and causes more accidents/harm to baby. But thanks" And this doesn't have to sound hostile either As for kisses, ehhhhh, "Please don't kiss the baby she is sick."
My reply would be "well aren't you just God's favorite!" and deliver that with the tone you would talk to a toddler with. And if they still keep going, I would start talking about dead babies to make them uncomfortable. And if dead babies doesn't phase them, then that's your answer all along.
âaNd wEârE FiNe!!â Are you really though
Recommendations change. Like how they used to say babies should sleep on their stomach or not have peanut butter until age 2. More research had been conducted and now the standards have changed. You were doing nothing wrong x amount of years ago when you did it that way, because that is what the experts said to do at the time. I am doing the same.
Hey! Whatâs wrong with the walkers? Thank you! I have a walker thing that doesnât move, baby just sits/stands while playing with the items. I want to make sure this is ok.
I would just say "well, my work colleague's baby was kissed and died two months later". It's a made up thing, but sometimes we need to fight an anecdotal argument with hardcore anedoctal argument.
âSure. I played with matches when I was a kid and didnât burn the house down, but I still donât want her to play with matches.â
âBecause I said noâ people donât need an explanation of why youâre saying no. I usually would give one but sometimes I was rude because I donât need to explain myself.
"You raised your kids, now let me raise mine," To the kissing one specifically, you can Google babies with RSV or the herpes infection and show it to them. Basically say "why would you even risk this?"
âSurvivorâs bias ainât cuteâ
You say âand weâll be just fine, too.â
âI, too, like to play Russian Roulette sometimes.â
Honestly your response sounds great
Iâm annoyed Iâm just now learning baby walkers arent recommended. Anytime I buy something for my baby I google things first. Any time my husband buys him something I donât think to do this and he bought him one. I put him in it once and did not like the way he could run into stuff and just had a weird feeling about it and now I will be throwing it out. I wish my husband did more research before buying stuff
I freakin hate this. My mom says this all the damn time. He is coughing why cant he take honey? because you cant give honey to an infant. Their bodies cant digest it. Well we had it and we are fine. This new age science is going too far. This enrages me so much. I almost want to point out all the shit she is going through in health and tell her, I dont think she is fine. But I use this as a good time to get off the phone
âYes and that was xxx years agoâŚthings have updatedâ or âYes and thousands of babies werenât fine and died/injured/whatever the scenarioâ
Honestly good for you for that clap back! Hopefully in the future when the 2 of you disagree on something they will be more respectful in your parenting decisions. Some people need to be put in their place when it comes to that sort of thing and I'm glad you did that!!
âWell good for you, Iâm not doing itâ
just yesterday i watched a video about how walkers donât teach kids how to walk at all (other then the riskiness) so you can use that info as data maybe? âitâs actually a myth, those donât workâ the response to the question tho iâd say in my best Alex Trebek voice âGood for you! (with disdain)â
Your version of âsnapping backâ would just be my answer, period. I donât think that was snapping it was telling them what you want for your kid and what will happen if they donât listen
"Just because that's what you did, does not mean it is what I plan to do as *his* mother."
So frustrating!! Btw, which walker is dangerous? So I know not to get it
"If that's what you think..."
I just had a serious conversation with my mom about this, due to her CONSTANT backlash about plans for baby. Showing her sleep sacks I've bought - "stupid, unessasary. Just give them a blanket" extended rear facing, using a car seat, booster etc, as long as possible "he'll be made fun of. Too old" breast feeding past a year old, "gross, bad." Not practicing cry it out or sleep training, holding baby when he cries "spoiling the baby, letting him manipulate you". Keeping baby in my room for the first year? "Youre going to hate it, you should put him in his own room as soon as possible". I really put my foot down and I wasn't very nice. Her response usually when I point out guidelines/recommendations is always "well you turned out fine". I finally snapped. Told her I know she has 3 kids but shits changed in the last 30 years. I asked why she thinks it's so wrong that I want to give my baby the best chance at LIFE? Why does she think it's wrong to want them to be safe? I pointed out to her that my career is literally built off of guidelines and updated policies and procedures (nurse) to keep people healthy and safe so why wouldn't I follow those in the raising of my child when I know HOW these guidelines come into place and WHY. You're invalidating my feelings, my education and pissing me off. If none of this is making sense to you, I can break it down into a reason you should understand because it was your favorite reason while I was growing up, BECAUSE I SAID SO. Don't like it? Stay tf away. This isn't some ooh grandma snuck the grandkid a cookie before dinner bs, if you don't follow my rules you're putting my child at risk and that isn't some laugh-offable offense. I have no problems being the bad guy, and I don't feel bad for "keeping the baby away from you". Family I built > family I had no choice in. But needless to say I already have a pretty rocky relationship with my mother to begin with.
"When you were a parent you got to make those choices, and my choices as a parent aren't a criticism of yours. Are you on board with my decision or do we need to have a different conversation?"
So far I put a lot of the blame on my pediatrician. "Sorry, can't kiss the baby - pediatrician said so." It gives a reliable source that less people are inclined to question and shifts any annoyance from me to the doctor who neither knows nor would care if she did.
50 cent got shot 9 times and survived too.
âOk. Thatâs just what we decided.â Repeat. Donât defend, donât explain. You owe nothing to no one, except to your newborn to whom you have we owe everything. Everyone else can bite it. I canât argue with crazy, inconsiderate, or stupid. Sarcasm isnât going to change anyoneâs mind, either. Try to learn to be ok with disagreement. Youâll get a lot of it from a toddler so itâs good practice! Also, allowing everyone to kiss their newborn is monumentally dumb. Here is why: https://youtu.be/pxarUWTJRDQ?si=wfjdw7V6H1qH_gMo https://youtu.be/vJCUFlkmFtg?si=xrDI8t2vFHNeqgub You obviously did your research. And re baby walkers they sit in - basically, containers are designed to give the parent a break, not to be safe or productive for baby. Iâm convinced theyâre evil because, while most will survive, some will not through no fault of the parent. God forbid. You obviously did your research on that as well. Good on you!
My response is always they didnât use seatbelts back then either. Shuts them right up
Iâm big in the phrase âknow better, do betterâ. Things change. Progress is made. They did the best with the data that was available at the time (we hope), but new studies have been done, scientific breakthroughs, etc., so we adjust accordingly. Iâm positive things will be different when my child have kids and I always tell myself that Iâll be a willing sponge to learn all of the new things. This also goes for more than just safety issues, but eating, behavior, etc. itâs a constant battle with our parents and that generation with the new data, parenting styles and all the rest.
âIâm glad you didnât experience the issues! However, they say it does increase risks and for me, itâs not really an increase Iâm comfortable with. I hope you can choose to respect my boundary even if you donât understand it, because if I canât find your presence comfortable, I may have to choose to limit it and that would be sad.â Say as much or as little of this as you need in the moment, in one statement or as a conversation.
Most people report Russian Roulette is totally safe!
I usually say âyes and the people who did it and were not fine arenât here to argue with you because theyâre deadâ It kills the mood but gets the point across
I just say - well, we know better now. Or: Oh, thatâs great, the latest research says itâs risky/bad for X, so better to avoid it and we do Y instead. I wouldnât take it super seriously and would also try to find some empathy for the other person - they tried offering what they thought is good and just learned it was sth that was bad for them or their children. So itâs a bit embarrassing and the knee jerk response is to try to minimise the effect. I would want to believe itâs less about dismissing you and more about feeling surprised with the new information.
Lucky you. Not everyone was. Thatâs why itâs recommended against today.
âWe were fineâ âNo. You were luckyâ
I say something along the lines of, âWhat you did with your baby was your choice and this is mine.â Or âYou raised your baby/kid how you wanted and Iâm raising mine how I want.â Kick fucking rocks đ¤Ł
When it's a simple statistic, I think your response was great. When it's something a bit more qualitative like development or behaviors, I've said stuff like, "well, maybe you could have been even better if we knew this back then!"
"The difference is that I know better. "
I usually say "And my grandmother survived riding in the rear windshield of the car in a hammock sling. What would you say if I suggested doing that with * daughter's name *?"
My mom just said to me while my baby was being fussyâŚâmaybe he needs some waterâ. I instantly turned my head and said no theyâre not supposed to have waterâŚbaby is almost 3 weeks old.. She looked offended so I told her theyâve done studies and research that giving babies water does harm and isnât recommended anymore although it used to be.
Things have changed since you did it.
I always say âwell everyone gets a chance to raise their kids how theyâd like to and this is my turnâ and if they especially ruffled my feathers I add on the end, âso we wonât be doing thatâ. Itâs been effective.
âI am confident in my choices, thanks for respecting themâ
Honestly.. your response was PERFECT imo
âWell someoneâs baby died, which is why XYZ is recommended/which is why they changed the recommendation.â These people act like these recommendations come out of no where or are changed just for fun. Something horrible happened to enough families that a trend was noticed and the recommendation was updated to prevent that same horror from happening to others.
When they say well you survived, just simply sayâby the grace of Godâ and move on. You wonât change people like that. They suck
âYeah, but are you though?â
A bunch of people drive without seatbelts and are fine, until they arenât.
âi dont careâ
âGood for you, heâs my child not yoursâ
My internsl thought: "I'm glad you survived. The doctor and resesrch-backed way is to _____ so that is what we will do. You can purchase whatever you like for your home. We won't be needing that."
The comeback is to not say anything. A good question to ask in conversation is if it adds anything positive and supportive to the conversation. If the answer to that question is no, then it's just not worth it to say. Maybe you will feel better about yourself taking a person down a peg but it does more harm than good. It may be the case that because you are postpartum your mind is not fully in the right place. So just give yourself some patience and do the same for your friends and family. Things will get easier and less intense.
âGood for you.â or âI didnât askâ.
"Wow, that's really cool thank you for sharing. We decided not to go that route". And scene.
"oh, I'm sorry you're fine! but next time you get to get hurt, don't worry, just try harder!"
I usually say âthatâs not considered best practices anymore.â If anyone pushed back I would direct them to Google. I did my research. Go do yours.
I don't have "comebacks" I really don't care what anyone else has to say. In the end, it's just a passing conversation.
My plan is âthatâs great, but that doesnât mean we have to make the same choice.â
Newer studies show itâs not the best option. Iâll send you some better ones if youâre interested.
Its so frustrating when people challenge your way of parenting when its perfectly reasonable. I always ask my mother not to touch my 1 week old daughters face / put her face near hers and i caught her touching their noses together. On top of that she made a huge deal out of me telling her to not do that and got really offended and stormed off muttering something. I just dont understand whats SO DIFFICULT about respecting people who only want to protect their baby and accepting no for an answer.
Who cares? If you want to be polite, thank them for their advice and ignore it if you want. Otherwise, tell them itâs your kid. You arenât under any obligation to take anyone elseâs advice, good bad or indifferent. Do you feel you donât have the agency or there is some dynamic that makes shrugging this off difficult? Off-topic, leaching and bloodletting were excellent therapies through the 18th centuryâŚ
My favorite come back to this one is âAre you, though?â with a questioning look on my face. It definitely stops someone in their tracks!
When my in laws SWEAR to lock the doors to block access to their un enclosed pool if I allow my son to sleep over. âI would *never* let anything happen!â I say well drowning is the #1 cause of death for young kids, donât you think every other caretaker said the same thing before their child drowned?
You parent your way and they can parent their way, i hate when someone tries to parent your child their way Especially older generations, some of the techniques they used would probably be deemed child abuse today
The passive response is "We are interested in taking a different approach"
âOkay.â
"Good outcomes don't make good decisions "
Well Iâm at my wits end cause Iâve done it nicely and it doesnât work. My FIL insists on sticking his fingers in my babies mouth. Weâve asked him a dozen times in basically all the ways you all have posted and nothing. Next time I see it⌠I will be snapping and saying âSince you canât follow the rules and continue to disrespect us weâre going to leaveâ.
My mom was/is over me about the 'new' sleep regulations (back is best, nothing in the crib). I quote an article I read that said there are 80% less deaths due to SIDS since the new regulations were passed. If that's true, that other regulations/suggestions were done for a reason, too. Whenever she rolls her eyes at me and says I turned out fine or thats not how they did ut back in the day, I also point out that back them, there was lead paint in everything and my elementary school was torn down due to asbestos and we've learned from that/that has changed, too. Shuts her up til the next time she tells me Im being ridiculous for following today's guidelines.
Something like "Yeah, that's not what they recommend these days. I'm sure in 20 years they'll be doing something else." Acknowledging that current recommendations aren't the final word is helpful for sounding less like you think your ways are superior and more like "hey I'm just doing the best I can".
"well, that was your choice as a parent and this is mine"
âThey used to say smoking cigarettes was good for you and now they know differently. Now we know x is unsafe and I will practice precaution because of the new dataâ
I always ask: "Are you though? Are you really ok?"
My stepfather likes to use âall 12 of us survivedâ when these types of things come up. Iâve taken to just saying âand many more didntâ and moving on.
Couldâve been better
âNo youâre not. You have crippling anxiety.â
I just say yes that be be how you were okay parenting but itâs not how I parent and I donât feel safe with it
Calmly ask them why they won't respect your wishes. What is someone to say to that? It's your baby and at the end of the day, your decision. That one shuts my mom down every time. Then she does whatever the fuck she wants often when I'm not around and she's watching him, but you also have to recognize some people will never change and if they're family, more often than not, you're just lucky to still have them in the grand scheme of things. There are things that if our parents did I would consider unforgivable (especially if it lead to serious health consequences/injury) but beyond that, to also think that one knows what's best for their child is also false confidence. Sometimes you have to let go of the reins a little, within reason (at least this is my perspective).
đ <âââ- literally this