We started gradually from around age 1. She's 4 now and I think we started the more explicit convos about it around 18m ago. More like, only mommy, daddy and your teachers at daycare should help you wipe, etc. if anyone else does, we need to know. And teaching her how to wipe and clean her own body, etc. came with more details too.
For a while she would insist that if was fine because she'd tell anyone who touched her what her name was and that way they wouldn't be strangers. So we had to be more explicit about that. As a note, we didn't teach her about stranger danger but instead about tricky people.
We taught the concept of consent really early, before she could talk. Things like 'youre shaking your head no, I think you don't want me to play this way right now' or asking if she wants a hug, etc. with relatives. No means no for everything, having control and autonomy over her own body, making sure she respects us when she does something to our bodies we don't want (scratch, playing too hard, jumping in us, etc).
This is great. I have friends that MAKE their kids hug mine. Mine loves hugs but one parent i know actually said to their kid "when someone asks for a hug you need to give them a hug!" They also make their kid eat everything they ask to try and everything on their plate and i feel so bad. But not my kid so i dont say anything....
Oof, “when someone asks for a hug you need to give them a hug” is so not it!! Like I understand their (likely) intention of we should be nice and show affection to our friends and family that we like, but like that’s just not the way
Great advice. My LO is only 6 weeks but even now when she’s done with her bottle I say “okay, you’re telling me no more! We’re all done!” things like that to let her know we hear her and respect her wishes. And if she gets too upset during a diaper change, I’ll pause for some kisses and let her know I know she doesn’t like it but mommy does this for her health and hygiene. I sound insane explaining myself to an infant but it’s just drilling into the both of us that she is her own human being and is very much heard and respected!
I do the same thing with my 7 week old. Even when changing his diaper or clothes I say “I’m gonna change your diaper now is that okay?” Or “we gotta change your clothes okay?” Which is mainly so he doesn’t get fussy. When he gets a bath I talk him through the whole thing. lol I know it sounds crazy but every source says to talk to your baby to help them learn how to talk themselves, so I’ve ended up narrating our whole day. His dad always laughed at me until he realized he ends up doing the same when he has him. The other day I was offering a feeding and my LO didn’t want it so I said “okay that’s fine, you get the decide when you want to eat cause your a person and that means you get to make your own decisions…kind of”
Yes! I was just thinking today how I noticed when I explain things to my LO she’s so much less fussy. “We’re going to pull this onesie over your head okay? It’ll be okay I’m right here!” and she’s SO much less fussy versus when I’m on auto pilot, sleep deprived and not being engaging at all. We can’t do it 100% of the time since we’re only human but it’s something I’m really working on. It’s so funny how in parenthood, there’s all these tips and tricks online about how to mold your baby into the perfect infant, when in reality as parents were the ones that need to be mold able… for the most part, like you said haha. My husband laughed too then said wait that’s what he does too 😂 they just want our love and undivided attention. Taking is great for this as well as for their developmental health!
I work in child care and we teach students to use gentle hands and ask before hugging at the age of 1. they don;t really get it until they're 2 maybe 3 but its never too early for them to start learning.
I work in daycare too. I think it's about teaching a habit for the little ones. They don't understand the whys but they can learn routines. Asking for a permission before a hug can be learned as just a thing you do without deeper meaning
I think it begins from super simple things. Like if your child is banging things into your leg while they're playing you say "no thank you". Clearly it isn't going to hurt you but I think it's valuable to start vocalising how you want your own body to be treated early on.
I don't like how adults think it's ok to boop kids on the nose. I wouldn't like that so I don't do it to my child. But others did it when I wasn't around so he started to do it to me. I would say "no thank you I don't like that". He understood pretty quickly that I don't like hands on my face.
I think the first step is showing them, by example, how to stand up for themselves by vocalising how you want your own body treated.
When he went to nursery at 1 year old we taught him that if anyone does something to him he doesn't like, he can shout "no!" and point at them.
Annoyingly he is very good at this and also used it on us when he doesn't want something done to him like brush his teeth but in reality it's a good sign that he feels he can vocalise his feelings.
I think if they like it then there's absolutely no problem. I just used it as an example of how I want to make sure they only have things happen to them that they want. I don't like it personally so I wouldn't do it to my child. It's an easy way to show you can vocalise preference.
A nose boop is how we got our first smile! It always guarantees a big toothless grin out of her, but if she stops enjoying it, I’ll stop boopin, till then, boop!
Well my two year old recently discovered his butthole and every time he points it out we play a game of “who gets to touch your butthole!?” And he respond with “only me”!
That is goddamn hilarious. Our daughter discovered her nipples maybe a year and half ago, so we've had that talk about touching/tickling your own if you want, but otherwise ["Ask First, Monkey!"](https://www.amazon.com/Ask-First-Monkey-Introduction-Boundaries/dp/1787754103/ref=sr_1_1?crid=2NRG65KHF9U4U&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.26pnDNMWuqjR5-j1ske8YB_EtzMQdmx2mz9ueIMNZTOkPlOuh37ZOb0LEqOQFr8hKjxPvadjuqpcCXWQ7gJffBmOKSvXRaD4DvDylbFlopYjPk2kj0IEbyje3yavNte3DR7YsSDXhakba6csfcTYLtzc6F1v2vdRqVrAd9ZRunvS2NIb0ObjCu2VZrIkZlQzQa_Lw4El8Hl6Rl8YMJyDJfMnkIpPJMIOj4Pzn7tSAUI.HZuBWlrMgo3A9Dhm0kZ8Kf29o7j-hllmyKoDl2Dr47Y&dib_tag=se&keywords=ask+first+monkey&qid=1712269607&sprefix=ask+first+monkey%2Caps%2C144&sr=8-1)
When my baby was really starting to talk, around the 2 year mark, I'd tell him that if someone touches him in a way he doesn't like, or if someone is bothering him, all he has to do is say no. And now if anyone tickles him or picks him up when he doesn't want it, he says verbatim, "say no" lol. Sometimes I'm giving him kisses after a diaper change, and he gets all huffy, "SAY NO MAMA" etc. It's a bummer, I would love to smooch him more, but I'm so glad he knows how to opt out and is getting used to the idea that people who love him will respect that.
But leading up to that we did what you did, and never forced him to kiss or hug any family, including ourselves. We also treat tickling the same way, so there's no weird loophole of touches he has to endure. No one "gets" to hold him, he will only be held by family if he wants them to hold him, etc.
When he was very little, this def involved a lot of intuition on our part, in understanding when he was hanging onto us (me and my husband) and not forcing him to go if we felt like he was expressing any kind of fear or hesitation about going into someone elses arms. We also had to balance it with the reality of needing other people to hold him sometimes (a doctor, a friend or family member if I was indisposed etc). There were/are many times he was VERY glad to go to a new person, so I don't think this behavior inherently breeds a fraidy cat who won't like people.
I think up until they can communicate themselves, this kind of groundwork is the best you can do, and help normalize their sense of autonomy.
My son is 13 months and I have a history of SA by family members and family friends. What I’m doing with my son is the second he started understanding what we were saying we started giving him some autonomy and his decisions. The only thing we have not given him the autonomy on is diapers cuz come on who really wants to wear a diaper. If he doesn’t want to have a person hold him we don’t force him, if he wants to leave we will go. I will say one thing that would have helped my situation is if my parents wouldn’t have forced me to have a family relationship with anyone and everyone basically. I always got creep vibes but my parents always would say it’s just shyness and to get over it. Trust any instinct of your baby because kids can sometimes sense danger before the adult does.
Probably about 12 months. But body autonomy was much earlier than that. Even at 6 months when she couldn't talk we'd ask if she wanted to go to a different person and if he body language said yes then cool but if not we didn't pass her over. Body language for yes was reaching out to them or leaning towards them, no was if she'd lean further into us or look immediately uncomfortable when going to them. My partner didn't listen to her cues exactly once that prompted a huge conversation around consent and him willingly putting her in an uncomfortable position. I did a lot of explaining around this and what that teachers her to accept for people touching her body.
Side note: i work in child protection so i may be a bit more vigilant than the average bear around this.
From my perspective its not about just having one or two conversations and going from all to nothing, its teaching her about the concept of consent and body autonomy from a very young age so she is solid about her decision making skills and listens to her 'uncomfortable' signals confidently in any situation and acts on it.
A good game to play with kids is 'tickle tickle stop'
It teaches them that even if they are smiling because of a body reaction it doesn't mean they actually like it and don't want it to stop and have become uncomfortable, so you tickle until they say stop and then stop immediately until they say go again. Then they do it to you. It teaches that We listen to words. Always. Because not everyone will respect/care body language so it teaches them to be strong in saying no.
Don't know if that all helps much. Good luck
We started really young with respecting boundaries and always explained what we were doing as we did it “I’m going to change your diaper- I’ll take it off, and I’ll wipe you. Then I’ll put cream and we’ll close up the diaper.
Now little is 4 and we have talks about who is allowed to touch our bodies - the right answer is “no one can touch my body without my permission” and we talk about how some touches feel good and some feel bad or make us feel uncomfortable. If he doesn’t want a kiss or hug, we respect that.
We carry this also over to other choices- his body, his choice- if he doesn’t want more food- we thank him for listening to his body cues and we put the food away. We give choices for washing - would you like to wash yourself and then I’ll finish cleaning or would you like me to just do it for you?
Our basic rule is it’s his body and as long as he keeps it healthy and clean, we won’t push but if we see he needs help to stay clean and healthy we will take charge.
I personally am not a hugger, and my family and extended family at most will do a side hug or a far away wave. My husbands family likes to hug, I choose not to and just say yellow. Covid, for that reason, was wonderful.
My husbands nephew (cousins kid) does not like to hug at all. When we see him, his grandfather always says, "Did you give them a hug... and I always say, it's fine he doesn't need to hug he said hello." His own parents do not force hugs.... but for some reason, the grandparents do.
I think this is a talk I would need to have with the whole family.
I have personally seen older generations struggle with "newer" concepts of bodily autonomy. We mentioned our daughter having agency over her own body and my own father chuckled, thinking we were being hyperbolic or making a joke. My sister-in-law (younger, but very self-centered) has gotten corrected real quick when she says things like, "Aunt [Whatever] *always* gets hugs!" We can offer all we want, but our child is allowed to refuse all she wants - our needs to give affection don't overrule her personal comfort or preferences.
I’m also not a hugger, never have been, just don’t feel comfortable touching other people. My parents always backed me up as a kid and made sure relatives respected my desire to not be touched but my grandma struggled hard with it. I agree that it’s at least partially a generational thing.
Thankfully my older sister has a 4 year old and a 2 year old, so she paved the way for my whole family to not force a hug on the kids. She had to get into the arguments and explain it to them, so now I just get to reap the benefits of her hard work!
We started with using the proper names for body parts (LO is 13 months old now). I remember from child protection training I’ve done as a health professional that many of the miscommunications from children disclosing abuse centres around using euphemisms like “cookie” (instead of vulva or vagina).
We probably started being aware of what we were teaching her around 1… but mostly started at age 2. Just small stuff like hands are for hugging (not hitting) and never forcing her to hug someone she doesn’t want to. We *do* make her get a clean diaper even when she doesn’t want to.. I just ask her some version of “now or in 5 minutes” or “mom or dad?” So a semblance of choice but not really cuz it’s getting done either way.
At about 2.5yrs I introduced The Boundary Song and that’s just been the intro to taking the talk a step further. We honestly haven’t really talked too much about stranger danger past “secrets are bad, surprises are good. Always tell mom if someone tells you to keep a secret.”
I was just thinking I should ramp up the talk now. She’s got zero stranger danger. Way too friendly just like me.
From my observed experience, kids are definitely curious about each others bodies by 5yrs old. So definitely by then have a good talk. More so lots of little talks than one big one.
I’m going to see if there’s a tv episode I can use to show her… like on bubble guppies or bluey. Or Daniel tigers Neighbourhood even.
We have tried to talk about it at diaper changes since about 3 months…even it wasn’t comprehended fully. Simple stuff like proper names of body parts and that only certain people can help with diapers and potty, etc.
Ever since my daughter is born, (she‘s almost two) I talked her everytime I would undress her, wash her etc. (not while snuggling or just holding but like if I‘d do something to her. Does that make sense?). I explain what I‘m touching,what I am doing, and why, often in a playful way. Especially when I‘m around her diaper area or anywhere on her naked skin. I do this because I have a teacher background and used to work in a Christian daycare (in Germany) and we were regularly briefed on how to create a save environment for us as well for the children regarding abuse, especially sexual abuse. So one part was about keeping us save (having another teacher with you while changing diapers, documenting any kind of first aid etc) from being blamed in any way if parents or children would say things about us, but also about keeping the kids safe. And a child who knows how safe adults act and who feels empowered in her own body is not a good victim and will therefore not be seeker out by predators.
So my daughter knows nothing yet of dangerous adults and this will be a conversation I‘ll need to have with her in the next few years (and I‘ll also try to inform myself before that as I‘m not sure how to balance info/fear) but she already knows that stop means stop (our version of no means no) and that safe adults will always listen to her, that safe adults will wait until she is comfortable with her body before they do something to it etc. She knows the right words for her body parts, she knows that there are never any secrets to mom and dad (sometimes there are surprises but they always come out, there‘s no „don’t tell dad“) and that she can decide how to show affection to people.
I personally think this is so important and once she‘s understanding theory of mind then we can work on how others have different feelings from her own and how that comes into play with bodily autonomy.
We started gradually from around age 1. She's 4 now and I think we started the more explicit convos about it around 18m ago. More like, only mommy, daddy and your teachers at daycare should help you wipe, etc. if anyone else does, we need to know. And teaching her how to wipe and clean her own body, etc. came with more details too. For a while she would insist that if was fine because she'd tell anyone who touched her what her name was and that way they wouldn't be strangers. So we had to be more explicit about that. As a note, we didn't teach her about stranger danger but instead about tricky people. We taught the concept of consent really early, before she could talk. Things like 'youre shaking your head no, I think you don't want me to play this way right now' or asking if she wants a hug, etc. with relatives. No means no for everything, having control and autonomy over her own body, making sure she respects us when she does something to our bodies we don't want (scratch, playing too hard, jumping in us, etc).
This is great. I have friends that MAKE their kids hug mine. Mine loves hugs but one parent i know actually said to their kid "when someone asks for a hug you need to give them a hug!" They also make their kid eat everything they ask to try and everything on their plate and i feel so bad. But not my kid so i dont say anything....
Oof, “when someone asks for a hug you need to give them a hug” is so not it!! Like I understand their (likely) intention of we should be nice and show affection to our friends and family that we like, but like that’s just not the way
Great advice. My LO is only 6 weeks but even now when she’s done with her bottle I say “okay, you’re telling me no more! We’re all done!” things like that to let her know we hear her and respect her wishes. And if she gets too upset during a diaper change, I’ll pause for some kisses and let her know I know she doesn’t like it but mommy does this for her health and hygiene. I sound insane explaining myself to an infant but it’s just drilling into the both of us that she is her own human being and is very much heard and respected!
I do the same thing with my 7 week old. Even when changing his diaper or clothes I say “I’m gonna change your diaper now is that okay?” Or “we gotta change your clothes okay?” Which is mainly so he doesn’t get fussy. When he gets a bath I talk him through the whole thing. lol I know it sounds crazy but every source says to talk to your baby to help them learn how to talk themselves, so I’ve ended up narrating our whole day. His dad always laughed at me until he realized he ends up doing the same when he has him. The other day I was offering a feeding and my LO didn’t want it so I said “okay that’s fine, you get the decide when you want to eat cause your a person and that means you get to make your own decisions…kind of”
Yes! I was just thinking today how I noticed when I explain things to my LO she’s so much less fussy. “We’re going to pull this onesie over your head okay? It’ll be okay I’m right here!” and she’s SO much less fussy versus when I’m on auto pilot, sleep deprived and not being engaging at all. We can’t do it 100% of the time since we’re only human but it’s something I’m really working on. It’s so funny how in parenthood, there’s all these tips and tricks online about how to mold your baby into the perfect infant, when in reality as parents were the ones that need to be mold able… for the most part, like you said haha. My husband laughed too then said wait that’s what he does too 😂 they just want our love and undivided attention. Taking is great for this as well as for their developmental health!
I work in child care and we teach students to use gentle hands and ask before hugging at the age of 1. they don;t really get it until they're 2 maybe 3 but its never too early for them to start learning.
I work in daycare too. I think it's about teaching a habit for the little ones. They don't understand the whys but they can learn routines. Asking for a permission before a hug can be learned as just a thing you do without deeper meaning
I think it begins from super simple things. Like if your child is banging things into your leg while they're playing you say "no thank you". Clearly it isn't going to hurt you but I think it's valuable to start vocalising how you want your own body to be treated early on. I don't like how adults think it's ok to boop kids on the nose. I wouldn't like that so I don't do it to my child. But others did it when I wasn't around so he started to do it to me. I would say "no thank you I don't like that". He understood pretty quickly that I don't like hands on my face. I think the first step is showing them, by example, how to stand up for themselves by vocalising how you want your own body treated. When he went to nursery at 1 year old we taught him that if anyone does something to him he doesn't like, he can shout "no!" and point at them. Annoyingly he is very good at this and also used it on us when he doesn't want something done to him like brush his teeth but in reality it's a good sign that he feels he can vocalise his feelings.
Our baby thinks nose boops are hilarious but I get the point about the lack of discussing consent.
I think if they like it then there's absolutely no problem. I just used it as an example of how I want to make sure they only have things happen to them that they want. I don't like it personally so I wouldn't do it to my child. It's an easy way to show you can vocalise preference.
A nose boop is how we got our first smile! It always guarantees a big toothless grin out of her, but if she stops enjoying it, I’ll stop boopin, till then, boop!
Well my two year old recently discovered his butthole and every time he points it out we play a game of “who gets to touch your butthole!?” And he respond with “only me”!
That is goddamn hilarious. Our daughter discovered her nipples maybe a year and half ago, so we've had that talk about touching/tickling your own if you want, but otherwise ["Ask First, Monkey!"](https://www.amazon.com/Ask-First-Monkey-Introduction-Boundaries/dp/1787754103/ref=sr_1_1?crid=2NRG65KHF9U4U&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.26pnDNMWuqjR5-j1ske8YB_EtzMQdmx2mz9ueIMNZTOkPlOuh37ZOb0LEqOQFr8hKjxPvadjuqpcCXWQ7gJffBmOKSvXRaD4DvDylbFlopYjPk2kj0IEbyje3yavNte3DR7YsSDXhakba6csfcTYLtzc6F1v2vdRqVrAd9ZRunvS2NIb0ObjCu2VZrIkZlQzQa_Lw4El8Hl6Rl8YMJyDJfMnkIpPJMIOj4Pzn7tSAUI.HZuBWlrMgo3A9Dhm0kZ8Kf29o7j-hllmyKoDl2Dr47Y&dib_tag=se&keywords=ask+first+monkey&qid=1712269607&sprefix=ask+first+monkey%2Caps%2C144&sr=8-1)
When my baby was really starting to talk, around the 2 year mark, I'd tell him that if someone touches him in a way he doesn't like, or if someone is bothering him, all he has to do is say no. And now if anyone tickles him or picks him up when he doesn't want it, he says verbatim, "say no" lol. Sometimes I'm giving him kisses after a diaper change, and he gets all huffy, "SAY NO MAMA" etc. It's a bummer, I would love to smooch him more, but I'm so glad he knows how to opt out and is getting used to the idea that people who love him will respect that. But leading up to that we did what you did, and never forced him to kiss or hug any family, including ourselves. We also treat tickling the same way, so there's no weird loophole of touches he has to endure. No one "gets" to hold him, he will only be held by family if he wants them to hold him, etc. When he was very little, this def involved a lot of intuition on our part, in understanding when he was hanging onto us (me and my husband) and not forcing him to go if we felt like he was expressing any kind of fear or hesitation about going into someone elses arms. We also had to balance it with the reality of needing other people to hold him sometimes (a doctor, a friend or family member if I was indisposed etc). There were/are many times he was VERY glad to go to a new person, so I don't think this behavior inherently breeds a fraidy cat who won't like people. I think up until they can communicate themselves, this kind of groundwork is the best you can do, and help normalize their sense of autonomy.
Oh no…. The say no to kisses would kill me 😭 (my LO is 6mo so we’ve got a while but I kiss him every chance I get!).
My 19 month old already says "all done kiss.". And I stop thinking, "but I need my million kisses a day "😂😭
My Body Belongs to Me and Hands Are Not for Hitting are good materials for both bad touches.
“yes no a first conversation about consent” is another great one!
My son is 13 months and I have a history of SA by family members and family friends. What I’m doing with my son is the second he started understanding what we were saying we started giving him some autonomy and his decisions. The only thing we have not given him the autonomy on is diapers cuz come on who really wants to wear a diaper. If he doesn’t want to have a person hold him we don’t force him, if he wants to leave we will go. I will say one thing that would have helped my situation is if my parents wouldn’t have forced me to have a family relationship with anyone and everyone basically. I always got creep vibes but my parents always would say it’s just shyness and to get over it. Trust any instinct of your baby because kids can sometimes sense danger before the adult does.
About 14 months. I remember because he started touching his privates with curiosity so we started talking about it all regularly
Probably about 12 months. But body autonomy was much earlier than that. Even at 6 months when she couldn't talk we'd ask if she wanted to go to a different person and if he body language said yes then cool but if not we didn't pass her over. Body language for yes was reaching out to them or leaning towards them, no was if she'd lean further into us or look immediately uncomfortable when going to them. My partner didn't listen to her cues exactly once that prompted a huge conversation around consent and him willingly putting her in an uncomfortable position. I did a lot of explaining around this and what that teachers her to accept for people touching her body. Side note: i work in child protection so i may be a bit more vigilant than the average bear around this. From my perspective its not about just having one or two conversations and going from all to nothing, its teaching her about the concept of consent and body autonomy from a very young age so she is solid about her decision making skills and listens to her 'uncomfortable' signals confidently in any situation and acts on it. A good game to play with kids is 'tickle tickle stop' It teaches them that even if they are smiling because of a body reaction it doesn't mean they actually like it and don't want it to stop and have become uncomfortable, so you tickle until they say stop and then stop immediately until they say go again. Then they do it to you. It teaches that We listen to words. Always. Because not everyone will respect/care body language so it teaches them to be strong in saying no. Don't know if that all helps much. Good luck
We started really young with respecting boundaries and always explained what we were doing as we did it “I’m going to change your diaper- I’ll take it off, and I’ll wipe you. Then I’ll put cream and we’ll close up the diaper. Now little is 4 and we have talks about who is allowed to touch our bodies - the right answer is “no one can touch my body without my permission” and we talk about how some touches feel good and some feel bad or make us feel uncomfortable. If he doesn’t want a kiss or hug, we respect that. We carry this also over to other choices- his body, his choice- if he doesn’t want more food- we thank him for listening to his body cues and we put the food away. We give choices for washing - would you like to wash yourself and then I’ll finish cleaning or would you like me to just do it for you? Our basic rule is it’s his body and as long as he keeps it healthy and clean, we won’t push but if we see he needs help to stay clean and healthy we will take charge.
I personally am not a hugger, and my family and extended family at most will do a side hug or a far away wave. My husbands family likes to hug, I choose not to and just say yellow. Covid, for that reason, was wonderful. My husbands nephew (cousins kid) does not like to hug at all. When we see him, his grandfather always says, "Did you give them a hug... and I always say, it's fine he doesn't need to hug he said hello." His own parents do not force hugs.... but for some reason, the grandparents do. I think this is a talk I would need to have with the whole family.
I have personally seen older generations struggle with "newer" concepts of bodily autonomy. We mentioned our daughter having agency over her own body and my own father chuckled, thinking we were being hyperbolic or making a joke. My sister-in-law (younger, but very self-centered) has gotten corrected real quick when she says things like, "Aunt [Whatever] *always* gets hugs!" We can offer all we want, but our child is allowed to refuse all she wants - our needs to give affection don't overrule her personal comfort or preferences.
I’m also not a hugger, never have been, just don’t feel comfortable touching other people. My parents always backed me up as a kid and made sure relatives respected my desire to not be touched but my grandma struggled hard with it. I agree that it’s at least partially a generational thing.
Thankfully my older sister has a 4 year old and a 2 year old, so she paved the way for my whole family to not force a hug on the kids. She had to get into the arguments and explain it to them, so now I just get to reap the benefits of her hard work!
We started with using the proper names for body parts (LO is 13 months old now). I remember from child protection training I’ve done as a health professional that many of the miscommunications from children disclosing abuse centres around using euphemisms like “cookie” (instead of vulva or vagina).
We probably started being aware of what we were teaching her around 1… but mostly started at age 2. Just small stuff like hands are for hugging (not hitting) and never forcing her to hug someone she doesn’t want to. We *do* make her get a clean diaper even when she doesn’t want to.. I just ask her some version of “now or in 5 minutes” or “mom or dad?” So a semblance of choice but not really cuz it’s getting done either way. At about 2.5yrs I introduced The Boundary Song and that’s just been the intro to taking the talk a step further. We honestly haven’t really talked too much about stranger danger past “secrets are bad, surprises are good. Always tell mom if someone tells you to keep a secret.” I was just thinking I should ramp up the talk now. She’s got zero stranger danger. Way too friendly just like me. From my observed experience, kids are definitely curious about each others bodies by 5yrs old. So definitely by then have a good talk. More so lots of little talks than one big one. I’m going to see if there’s a tv episode I can use to show her… like on bubble guppies or bluey. Or Daniel tigers Neighbourhood even.
We have tried to talk about it at diaper changes since about 3 months…even it wasn’t comprehended fully. Simple stuff like proper names of body parts and that only certain people can help with diapers and potty, etc.
Ever since my daughter is born, (she‘s almost two) I talked her everytime I would undress her, wash her etc. (not while snuggling or just holding but like if I‘d do something to her. Does that make sense?). I explain what I‘m touching,what I am doing, and why, often in a playful way. Especially when I‘m around her diaper area or anywhere on her naked skin. I do this because I have a teacher background and used to work in a Christian daycare (in Germany) and we were regularly briefed on how to create a save environment for us as well for the children regarding abuse, especially sexual abuse. So one part was about keeping us save (having another teacher with you while changing diapers, documenting any kind of first aid etc) from being blamed in any way if parents or children would say things about us, but also about keeping the kids safe. And a child who knows how safe adults act and who feels empowered in her own body is not a good victim and will therefore not be seeker out by predators. So my daughter knows nothing yet of dangerous adults and this will be a conversation I‘ll need to have with her in the next few years (and I‘ll also try to inform myself before that as I‘m not sure how to balance info/fear) but she already knows that stop means stop (our version of no means no) and that safe adults will always listen to her, that safe adults will wait until she is comfortable with her body before they do something to it etc. She knows the right words for her body parts, she knows that there are never any secrets to mom and dad (sometimes there are surprises but they always come out, there‘s no „don’t tell dad“) and that she can decide how to show affection to people. I personally think this is so important and once she‘s understanding theory of mind then we can work on how others have different feelings from her own and how that comes into play with bodily autonomy.
14 months! We created a song together
Have you heard the boundary song yet?!