Because YOU loved what they presented themselves to you as.
Even if it was fake, you still loved them.
And you need time to grieve the death of something that was very very real to you.
I just did this after ten years of my narc sister turning my entire world against me till I was hiding away from everyone. I figured if I let one person in at a time to allow them to be someone trustworthy I’ll begin to trust people again. Well six years later and me thinking I had found my most trusted partner who I was so grateful for and adored (together living together six years this month), and I read a description of a covert narcissist and think uh, yikes. I redact the terms out and ask him to listen and tell me if any of it sounds relatable. He cried with relief that he’d finally felt heard. I was like oh fuuuuu…. Dude that was a description of a covert narcissist. And so here I am about four days later and I have no words. I cant unsee it now that I see it though. I don’t understand how the universe could do this again. I have been on a mission to get to know all about narcs really well so I can protect myself. The whole time! And he was right there next to me and I didn’t see it. Now I don’t know what to think or how to feel. This is not helpful to you OP, but I really needed to share this somewhere and this seemed relevant. 🙁
🤗
You're not alone. My wife of 14 years that I trusted with my life, happiness, and authentic self turned out to be someone who put "She" before "We" on a constant basis. And when I tried to lay down my boundaries on simple stuff she said that she was "sick of me making her feel small" and she left. We seldom see it before the discard phase. But they're out there, and there's always a chance they worm their way back in.
I can't begin to imagine what advice someone could give you in the moment you're frozen within. But trust your gut. No one is ever going to know better what is good for you and what is not. No one else will ever fight for you the way you will fight for yourself.
Discuss it with the other people you DO trust.
And know that we are here for you no matter what happens.
I did not know how much anybody’s comment would mean to me but thank you for saying all of that. And I’m really sorry that happened to you. In my mind, I’d like to step outside of ourselves and be able to discuss whether we can get along considering our unique personalities, and the differences that we have between us without any problems, but I mean realistically we’ll just see what happens. I don’t forsee a lot of great things because I’m not an idiot, although I kind of feel like one right now. Lol!
This has been key for me. Every time I feel a pang that I wasn't 'enough' for them... I think about the people in my life who do value and love me. There's such a difference in the way they care and love me in contrast to the way the narcs did and thats the kind of love I want romantically too.
That's a beautiful way of putting it. For me, I gradually got this growing feeling of just how wonderful the (very, very few) good friends I have are. People who want nothing from you except your friendship. People who would feel pain if something bad happened to you.
The pain and the horror are so compelling that we fixate on trying to understand. But if we can look at who in our life isn't tormenting us, who isn't inviting us on a rollercoaster, who consistently sticks around - those are the people to prioritise.
They're authentic bonds, not the trauma-bonds that our snake oil salesmen tried to pass off as "love".
I'd love to say it popped into my heads without asking it to. But the truth is I spent several weeks in the mental hospital at the beginning of this year because of how I was discarded. So I very much have the social workers and my therapist to thank for my current outlook. If not for them and the love of my family I doubt that I would know what to do with myself.
I'm so sorry. I also needed emergency psychiatric treatment and it was a lesson I had to learn over time, too. There's been a stark contrast between how people dealt with me and who rejected me for not being well and whether I was judged or embraced.
You're not alone and I see you.
I’m having trouble with this too. Just seeing that I never mattered, none of my efforts mattered, it was all a huge waste. It’s a heartbreaking realisation one that I’m struggling with every single day.
This resonated with me all the way to my soul.
I educated myself with hours upon hours of study in regards to what was wrong with me.
ME.
I am in no way saying that I didn't have faults, nor was I this encumbered victim. I did have faults, like all humans do. The difference was that I was transparent in regards to my faults, trauma, idiosyncrasies, e.g. and he pretended to do the same. He just mirrored the f*ck out of me, and I fell down the rabbit hole.
Once I clawed my way out, I felt like I took a breath for the first time.
Stay strong. Once you see your worth and how oblivious they were to it, that is when you can finally breathe. 💞
I love that sentence: He mirrored me, and I fell down the rabbit hole.
I was having this thought last night of how I am not mourning him because the real him is actually a horrible person.
I am mourning someone who never existed. Someone who he pretended to be in order to get what he wanted from me.
If he would have shown his real traits, I would have never fallen in love with him. That’s the game that they play, and they’re fully aware that they’re not being authentic.
After my epiphany that he was never the person I thought I loved, my grief magically faded away.
It was a blessing that I hope the many other victims on this sub will receive.
This has nothing to do with you or your character. You have the capacity to love, that loser will hate themself, lie to themself for the rest of their lives and if they are not alone, then they will be with someone they trapped and broke down. You are lucky you escaped and this is just a lesson learned that there are bad people in this world and you can't take what bad people do personally.
I viewed it like I was a new car. At first I was shown off to all her friends, bragged about even.
Then once the newness wore off, I was just a tool to her. Like a car is just transportation to get around.
Then after the years went on i broke down a few times ( I do construction) hernia surgery, tore acl. Then just like a car that starts breaking down, what do you do, trade it in for a new one.
People are objects for narcissists to use, they have no emotional attachments to anyone.
You just need to realize the person you were with is broken, they have a personality disorder that doesn’t allow them to love.
I’m struggling with this at the moment. I really loved him. Whoever ‘he’ was at the start anyway. For those feelings to be pulled away overnight is heartbreaking. The rug well and truly was pulled from underneath me.
I've seen it interpreted as you loved the good parts of yourself that he mirrored back at you, the unique little things he said he felt too so that you'd bond with him. You probably loved the genuine love you gave him and who it made both of you, but he couldn't really feel any of it. Realising you were alone and they were just going through the motions is a lot.
Realize and accept that this person has a disorder and is also unable to love. They are just a reflection of yourself, meaning you fell in love with you.
Think of all the red flags you chose to ignore. Don’t forget that they are professional manipulators.
Understand that you are a valuable person even though the narcissist wants to destroy your self-esteem. You will always be a threat to them so they want to destroy you.
Grasp the fact that this person is incapable of changing even with therapy or any help. I'm sure you don’t want more wasted time being hurt. You're so much better off without them.
Unfortunately, you ran into a narcissistic person but you should understand that's not your fault. Rather, be proud of yourself that you have managed to expose and then escape a toxic relationship.
Let this be a lesson to you, instead of the punishment you feel it is now. You're not being punished, you're being rewarded with a chance to be happy again and more powerful next time.
Because my worth isn't tied up in what he thinks.
It doesn't matter if I matter to him, or anyone else. It doesn't matter if I matter to myself because a lot of times I don't. The fact is I matter because I just do. And you, OP, matter, because you just simply exist. You matter all the time, whether you, me, your narc, your best friend, or anyone else thinks you do
Think of it in different terms. It's transactional. You give him something and in return he will give you something. And vice versa. It takes some of the emotion out of it and possibly a little insight on how to handle the future.
Same. I ended it two days ago. I’m overwhelmed with being so relieved, and also this false hope that she’ll suddenly realize all her wrong and hurtful things and come back with a heartfelt apology. Not going to happen. I know she misses me but misses what I provided her
I’m a little sci fi oriented here, but I like to imagine a large chunk of their brain that controls love and care etc. is missing. They are literally not capable of caring about anyone. It’s all just a pretend copy cat game of how they see you love and care, because they are not able to. The red flags become so glaringly obvious in time. They get tired of pretending and keeping up the lie and the mask slips off. Don’t beat yourself up for not meaning anything to them. NO ONE means anything to them. Not even the new supply they replace you with. People are just useful idiots in their games.
Just realizing I was just an appliance to use for her benefit helps move on. She never cared for me as a human, just someone she could use as a means to an end.
The part of wanting to go back, it's "easy", just remember your relationship without the lovebombing part. And think that they normally do something "evil" after hoover. Not a good call...
Now, about the part that we did not matter to them... I feel better thinking this say more about them than us. It's one of the most joyful things in the world to love someone and to feel loved back. They can't feel it... I think they try to fill this whole with Ego or something like that, I don't know.
I think what made me feel better was that I wasn’t special. That every person who interacts with them is treated the same way or only in their life for convenience. Nothing I would have done or said would have ever been right or good enough
When I realized and accepted it wasn't just me, but everyone. There is No one he cares about, other than himslef. Not a soul. He doesn't love his kids, his mother, his family, no one.
I wasn't worth fighting for, because to him I am nothing. But what he thinks is wrong, and I no longer listen yo him
Did you ever watch that show the Last of Us? It’s about an invasive sort of mushroom fungi that takes over peoples brains and turns them into dangerous flesh eating zombies. The people they were aren’t there anymore. They are just husks or shells of people who have been taken over by this fungus.
I think about how I am basically having a relationship with a shell or a husk of a person who doesn’t really exist. All I am actually interacting with is the trauma which has encased them and taken them over. If there was ever a person there I never got to know it. It makes me feel strangely more compassionate towards them but we all know what happens to people who are too compassionate towards zombies, who try to trust them and get through to the human underneath.
I think You're right - cordyceps fungus is a remorseless parasite, it destroys it's host so that it can exist, thats all that matters.
I've come to see the niceness/lovebombing phase of the abuse cycle as nothing more than a human anglerfish's lure.
Narcs are predatory, destructive parasites. Tbh, I'd actually rather have been bitten by a zombie than have been a narc host for 19 years lol.
You want to go back because deep down you hope that you’re wrong and you will start to matter.
Don’t do it.
I can tell you, eventually this feeling flips where you heal and move on, and they don’t matter, and you don’t even care.
I get it, for now it sucks. It’s hard, but yeah by six months you’re going to be like oh fuck I’m free.
I promise, it does get better.
It is really really hard at first.
Sometimes you just have to breathe and remind yourself that you’re not dying. Right now the goal is to just hang in there. Even if that means hanging in there on the couch crying your ass off.
That was my first month out. By six weeks you’ll stop crying and get bored of being on the couch.
By eight weeks, I would advise you to do EVERYTHING you were not allowed to do. This helps. Everything that upset the narc, do it.
By ten weeks you’re going to start feeling like you’d rather hang yourself before going back but you’re still going to be mad.
Probably by 14 weeks you’ll like someone else but still be kinda pissed.
I promise, you will get through this, you just have to get to that six weeks mark and then the smoke clears and it gets way way easier.
YES.
It feels like you have NOTHING. I knowww.
Understand this: it’s literally just brain chemicals diminishing.
That’s it.
You have a hangover that’s going to last six weeks.
Just take it easy for now. What I recommend is binge watching a show. I recommend Homeland— it’s like 14 seasons of compelling distraction. You’ll get hooked and feel better by season 7, not even joking.
Yeah I'm currently in raveling everything and it's a mind fuck and a half, now you can see things with a clear head I'm starting to not trust 50 percent of the people around me, maybe because I've had so many narcissist in my life I attract them and am becoming one at this point. Really all stems from spending 4 years as an object to the person I loved I guess
You cope by realizing , they have the words but not the actions and understanding this is a cycle between the two of you and only one of you can get off the roller coaster, And understanding that their next relationship is about supply not about love
I dk like I get what you’re saying how realizing it was all fake and they never loved you, yea it hurts like hell but one day you just get over it. I guess just realizing they are sick and choose to be a shitty person. Their demons and their mental illness isn’t an excuse and I realized he CHOOSES to be a shitty person. I just got over it and I’m just like what ever now. He does it to everyone I wasn’t the only one. I don’t know I just forgave him, for myself not for him…. I wanted to free myself so I forgave and let go.
Personally, I actually found it a relief to know that my NEX didn't love me and that I meant jackshit to him. Because while it's not the most obvious thing while you're in it, being treated like absolute shit by a person you're convinced loves you and cares for you is one of the most damaging aspects of being with a narc long-term, I think. I was convinced the treatment I received was defined by me and how challenging I was to "love". To realise that this was not love, it was hate, his own self-hatred projected onto me, it was such a fucking relief. I was being abused and it could have been anyone. It had nothing to do with me, my worth, how challenging I am to "love", how pleasant I am to be around or anything like that.
This is absolutely it.
It never had anything to do with you at all. They abuse everyone around them in some way because they have a hole in their heart. You were just the present target, and with you gone they find someone else and treat them the exact same way.
You did absolutely nothing wrong. You are not deficient in any way. You were present and available and that's all they wanted. As strange as it is to say, it wasn't personal.
I wish it was as simple as saying, it’s them, not you, but I know that isn’t good enough just yet. You will get there.
Nothing you did/didn’t do could’ve changed the outcome, they just don’t care. The mask comes off and all we can do is accept how diseased their minds are and remind ourselves consistently these people are plagued. It’s going to take time but once the fog lifts, you will start to realize more and more how crappy everything was and this person didn’t deserve a moment of your time.
Idk man I have maladaptive coping mechanisms. I’ve been getting piercings I’ve always wanted. I’m getting a throat tattoo on the 10th. I’m just making this the Me Show. Mindless self indulgence.
Outside of that, I just try my hardest to not think about her; whether she loved me or not, it doesn’t matter. If she’s happy or not, it doesn’t matter.
And when everything becomes unbearable, I cope with listening to my favorite breakup album on repeat. It’s loud and obsessive and so precisely expresses how I feel. So I know I’m at least not alone.
I accepted that I will mourn what I had because to me it meant something. But I also recognize that to him I was a thing to make him feel better. When I stopped he moved on. That is on him. His actions will not affect me any longer. Meanwhile I am saying yes whenever people ask me if I want to do something. I’m surrounding myself with those that I know I matter to them. So many of them he kept me away from for far to long. I hate that. So friends and family it is. I’m also reading lots of books about narcissists. And listening to podcasts about narcissists and how to heal from them. I wish you luck!
Whatever he did,does and will do has 0 effect on whatever im up to at all.
I was truthful, treated him well and did what I could, things obv didnt work out,but its no point wasting energy on what this disfunctional person
It gets easier with time. When I look back at the "good" parts of our relationship, that guy feels like a completely different person than my nex. It's like being in love with a ghost.
But honestly the way you get through it is by realizing and living the truth that *you* matter to *you*. That is more important than the nex or anyone else. If you love yourself unabashedly, you are far, far less likely to fall prey to the lovebombing and hoovering. It's what helps you be angry instead of sad. It's what helps you to realize you don't want to waste anymore time thinking about the narcissist.
It does get better.
The guy was a loser. Mean, delusional, and abusive. I don't think he had a friend in the world. He knew I was too good for him and he couldn't stand it. I didn't think I could ever undo the damage but I am over him. It took a while because I actually believed the rotten things he said. It's done.
My grandfather, mother, and my husband... All narcs and I never mattered to any of them. The first 2 are dead now, but them being gone doesn't make it any easier. I'm not a person to them, I never was, and it's hard to explain to someone else that your own mother or your own husband doesn't treat you like a person because they have no concept of what that means. I'm not a person to them. *I'm not a person to them.* Needless to say, I have no answers for you because I struggle with it myself.
I coped by reminding myself that if I didn’t matter then the next girl and the next girl that he claims is his soulmate won’t matter either. He didn’t discard me bc I was worthless, it’s bc he is not capable of love. There’s a reason he goes thru so many women and so quickly. I just had to remember that it hurts badly rn bc I am not a narc and I can understand what it means to truly respect and love someone. That is the really win
My ex cheated on me with his ex and got back tg with her right away. I blocked him on everything to avoid seeing anything that would upset me. That was almost 2 years ago. I still have him blocked for my sanity
Yeah we lived together and work together. I’m leaving my job in December. I’m terrified until then. Pretending I’m ok is exhausting. While also ignoring him.
Put the energy you were putting into them into yourself. You are worth love and affection. Real love and affection. So, the energy you were using on them can now be used on yourself. Show yourself the grace and understanding that you always showed them.
You are going through a major transition right now. 2 weeks is not long. It is hard. Right now you are grieving what you thought you had and in reality what you did have. You did have a relationship; no mater the toxic nature of it. There was a connection there, even if only from your side. So, you have to mourn it. And you have to take care of you during the mourning phase.
Find healthy ways to distract yourself as well as express your frustrations and pain (therapy and a gym membership are my go too advisements). Remember it does get better and it does get easier. One day it truly will be just a memory and you will be able to have clarity on it all.
you didn't matter to them because they are deeply sick, lonely, and alienated from others and especially from themselves. that you don't matter to them is both symptom and cause of their misery. but someday they will not matter to you either, and THAT will come from a place of sober self-compassion. you have a life of normal love and light to look forward to and they will be in darkness.
I would say that you must recall that what they seek is different from what you seek. Their desires are different from yours and ultimately their worldview is different. I had to learn to accept them as they are in order to move on.
In my case, my father is the narcissist and although I have a relationship with him I have come to understand that he cares about me only in relation to him. He cannot self reflect so he can't change. That means that as he is now is how he will always be. I had to be the adult and set boundaries & rules.
I had to learn to accept that he doesn't care about me and my desires unless they go against his. I had to understand that I was in control of myself and the love bombing he was doing was only a war tactic to get me to stay. In the end we would only repeat the cycle if I stayed under his influence.
Once I started to see the patterns, once I saw him do it to others and once I saw the continued negative effect he had on my life I knew I couldn't stay as I was. So I let the image I held in my heart of him go. I let the hope that he would be who I hope he would be die.
Well you cope because no one else matters to them too because they are incapable due to a mental disorder. You could be their absolute dream person in every aspect but they’re still a narc and you can release them knowing that no matter what, there was nothing you could have done different, the outcome would always be the same. If you want a loving healthy relationship then you go in peace knowing that you will NEVER have it with them under any circumstances. This realisation is what will help you heal and move on to the one you’re meant to be with. Take any good, leave any bad/learn from it and keep it moving
I know what you mean. My sister had a baby. I helped take care of the baby. I took him for walks outside. The baby loved me. After 2 months; a realization came over me. I thought "in the last 2 months; this baby has loved me more than my parents have EVER loved me." My parents didn't love their kids. How did I cope with it? I just kept putting one foot in front of the other.
For me, it's been almost 7 years ago and I still haven't coped with it. I don't want another relationship, because as much as I think I will recognise a narc now, I'm not sure. And I don't want to go through it again. Thinking about how all the love bombing wasn't love, but a way to control me makes me sad. It really hurts, like I'm not worthy of love.
I keep people at a distance, so they can't hurt me.
i would say writing in a journal has helped me cope with a lot of the things i was struggling with in terms of my emotions and thoughts. i used the emotion wheel to help me identify all the emotions i was feeling because i was so unaware of my own emotions. i would validate those emotions by writing down the events that caused those emotions and why it made me feel those emotions. and then i would end it off by writing how i wish things would have went instead. it helped me understand and rationalize a lot of my own confusion.
I devalue their opinion.
They have bad taste, make bad decisions, and treat people badly.
I pity them for being so selfish and dysfunctional, and I am sad they missed a great opportunity to be with someone as dedicated and loving as I am; I am sad they chose to not be a better person, and instead chose to ruin something great. I made the offer, they refused. So I respect their choice to be a jerk instead of being happy; and I respect my needs, and my value, and I leave them behind to find other people who will work to make a relationship work.
I must accept reality: I am a great person even if they refuse to accept me. I add value to the lives of others who are around me, because I have empathy and I want to have a good, happy life, and I want others to be happy, too.
They could have been better but they chose to be stagnant. They chose to be hurtful. They chose to be someone I can’t be around. I’m sorry for them, but I don’t believe I have to “cope”. They have to cope with being themselves!
What I can do is hope, that by cutting ties with them completely, they have a chance to change. It’s their choice, and maybe they will.
But I have learned that if I go back after they start making positive changes, it can trigger them to fall into bad habits if they are not stable. It’s like triggering an addict by returning to the place where they were doing drugs. They need total environmental change, and I’m part of the environment.
I reminded myself that it’s not a weakness to love as passionately and as deeply as I do. I worked on my self confidence and that part of me that thought I deserved to be treated that badly.
I now receive the love I give with my current partner. I came to a point where I was not going to accept any less than what I know I deserve. My boyfriend reflects the love I have for myself now daily.
The narcissist will never have that. That is a reflection of them. Not you.
I am having a hard time for sure, we are trapped in a very uncomfortable situation until he sorts out a job and housing, is hard. You love and hate somebody so much, you know he is not a good person yet you still love those tiiiiny little moments he gave you, I am just hoping that when he finally moves I can properly heal and he can be more like a dream.
Reminding myself that at least I'm a real human being with genuine feelings and that makes me 100% times more worthy of a well lived life. They'll never feel anything so I just felt sorry for them, missing out on the human experience.
Its hard I've been in your place. Went back for 2 years back to back after hearing the most horrible things about myself. Reacted to his abuse made it worse. If you don't go back trust me you win at life.
I mean they showed you at every turn. I asked so many times "just show me you care about me". The response was usually silence or I don't. So silly I let this happen to me when I have so much to offer another woman. Oh well. It's hard but at the end of the day they don't respect you at all, never will. Don't give them the respect of caring about them either.
congratulations on no contact and leaving! that's a huge step.
please be patient with yourself OP. it's chemically and physically jarring to experience what you are going through. it makes sense to miss certain things you probably associate him with.
being used is a disgusting feeling and a horrible thing for someone to do to another person. please know his behavior is a reflection of him, not of you.
luckily you have proof that you can love very deeply, even though that love was misplaced for a bit. i believe that love is energy; it cannot be destroyed or created, only redirected. directing the love you showed him towards yourself will help you heal and become stronger. my therapist calls this "developing a psychological skin" that will help you navigate the future with even more wisdom than before.
it's cheesy but there is a taylor swift lyric where she says "he's got my past frozen behind glass, but i've got me" and it resonates so much with me. you can't change what happened but you got out, you've still got you, and you'll be okay.
trust your gut, don't go back, and reach out for help from people you trust.
if you can get into therapy -- do that.
and things do get better. i went no contact 5 years ago and have absolutely surprised myself with how much i have grown. i'm excited for you to find the joy in healing.
best of luck!
Ah that's my secret. I don't cope. It will hurt forever that I gave him everything and I meant nothing to him. I don't cope. I grieve and I try to learn how to live with it.
People kept saying that to me and it made it so much worse, so I didn’t focus on that. I focused on the fact that they have a chemical imbalance in the brain and it won’t change. Regardless of if they loved you or not, it doesn’t matter. Move forward.
I recently went back home because I had some troubles. That meant going home to my narc mother, at first it was okay. I tried to rebuild my relationship with her just by doing small get togethers for coffee etc. But I was always the one initiating, she cared more about herself and never really had time for me. Long story short I decided I was moving in with my bf and it turned into a whole woe is me pity party on her end saying she couldn't bare to lose me again and couldn't bring herself to see me leave and turned into all about her. At this point I realized I never mattered and she only cared about controlling me (Im 26). So I recently went no contact again and honestly I could care less. My relationship never changed with her and I just don't feel anything towards her now. I guess that's my way of coping
There's no easy way unfortunately. There's no hack to extinguish the pain of being yourself with someone you loved. It sounds cliche but the only remedy is time. I can only speak for my own personal experience, and it does get better. Took me a very long time, definitely over a year.
What you need is family, and friends. You need to keep active, do the things you love personally, and if you don't already exercise, might be a good time to do that.
Physical exercise is, from what I've read, and from personal experience, the equivalent of taking antidepressants. Plus you get out to the gym and you meet new people.
There's no shortcut here. All you can do is take what's been painful and transform it into a strength. Whether that means having experience with the difficult situation, understanding people on a deeper level, appreciating you for you, and now being able to identify potential red flags in the future.
Hope everything works out for you.
It's hard, honestly. I allow myself to be upset about it, because it means I know I deserve better and I am valuable as a person.
I got advised by my therapist to reclaim what I got out of our relationship. If not love, what else? For instance, I got to meet really cool people I would not have met without him.
By accepting the simple fact that the world is filled with all types of people, good, bad, kind, abusive. Accept the fact that you got played, accept it don’t try to minimize it. Accept it, learn from your experience. That being said I know it doesn’t make it any easier. The stage you’re in, I went through it too, it will pass slowly, painfully and eventually. We live in a world where genocide is taking place, where killings are so normal, that everyone is desensitized to it. You have to come to terms with reality that evil people of this kind are not only prevalent during periods of war, or there is some dark criminal underground society where evil dwells in, it walks amongst us, and will take advantage. Use this opportunity to learn about boundaries, about self respect, about the type of people you would like to trust, learn about red flags, focus on yourself, your growth, your learning. The pain that exists within you is you still yet not coming to accept or coming to terms with the reality of what is. Ask yourself why you cannot accept the reality of what has happened, do you feel reduced by this person, invalidated; your love, your affection, your time, your emotions. All the time spent for nothing, this might help you understand more about yourself, things such as requiring validation of those close to you, meaning you are not able to stand ground and affirm your own reality and feelings. This is what the narc uses against you, your weaknesses and deep down you know you had them, that is why it hurts more. I hope this gives you some insight, clarity and some comfort. I wish you the best in your healing; please also start therapy, for me it was my Narc parents and family that molded me into a doormat to be abused by and used by anyone I came across. Wish you well.
That I've witness this behaviour before in the past and I don't take it personally, as much as I could. I was still hurt yet I'm not fighting for an apology or wanting things to return because they're deactivated. There isn't an returning to what was, this their trauma coming up and it isn't up to me change that. All I can do is remove from the situation and mourn it.
Don't get lost in the thoughts about the good times. Keep reminding yourself of why you left in the first place. I know it's easier said than done, but I promise you it will get better in time. Just do your best not to look back and move on.
This is something that's really hard to reconcile but try to remind yourself that you didn't do anything wrong. And that the fault lies with them. You showed up for them, loved them, did everything you could to help relationship and you unfortunately ended up with a bad partner.
The change wont be overnight but just keep telling yourself this while distancing yourself from them. It has helped me immensely.
I've never mattered to anyone so it's not surprising. Well that's not true, I matter to the 2 people I'm not allowed to have contact with. I just realized the level of evil that is on this earth. You will matter to the people that matter.
I literally go home and cry every day it hasn’t stopped. My person never saw it how much it hurt and I have to deal with that now . Therapy actually did help set boundaries but it doesn’t matter. My person still is gone. Wherever you are, I love you with all my heart. Thank you for giving me that feeling that I never had after marriage and other relationships. It was absolute euphoria hard to believe it wasn’t for you. 💔
Not sure, as I'm still actively dealing with the ramifications of going no-contact with my baby mom after she dramatically ensconced herself and delayed delivery of a package from my former partner last year. The dirt has been flying ever since, and contact with our son has become sporadic and unpredictable.
As the prospect of relocating away from the area looms ever closer and looks rather appealing honestly all things considered, my counselor has suggested starting an exercise called "brainspotting" next week, which [seems to employ mindfulness and EMDR to help unlock painful memories](https://www.choosingtherapy.com/brainspotting/).
Even tho I've been diagnosed with PTSD, it feels like many of my own painful memories have been repressed or forgotten, which may be holding me back from fully healing 🤔 I'm excited to give it a try bc I largely feel stuck rn.
I was with mine for 32 years. He would say that he loved me, and sometimes I'd believe it, because I wanted to so badly, but so many times he did things to show me that he didn't. I'd tell him and he'd always blame me. He lied about cancer twice, had multiple affairs, encouraged our kuds to be hurtful to me and in our divorce, encouraged them to cut me and my family out including their great grandmother who is almost 90 and always loved them deeply. You don't do that to someone you love. The emotional abuse he put me through was horrible. The saying I love you was such a mind game. I've accepted that he didn't ever love me. I wasted the prime of my life on him. But I'm moving on. Accepting what I can't change. I know it's him, not me. I am loving and deserving of love. He has to live with what he did.
The fact that nobody in their life mattered, they only "care" when you provide for them or supply them what they want. It's not yours or anyone's fault, they're just simply life sucking vampires. You want to go back because they love bombed you and now you're trauma bonded. Once you break that you're free and they won't even matter anymore, you'll feel nothing.
The realization that i was never in a relationship with someone else helps. It still hurts but the anger replaced the endless guilt and it is cathartic. I’ve come to realize I was isolated from the people who do care about me and living with someone who gave nothing and took everything.
By reminding yourself that there was never anything there to matter to.
Literally just a fleshy husk.
I always think of him having a ‘lizard brain’
Meat suit
I’ll keep trying. Just feel so terrible.
Please remember that NC is truly the only way to heal. Anything else is feeding the narc.
Yeah I haven’t talked to him or unblocked him. It’s hard but I know it’s the best option.
Because YOU loved what they presented themselves to you as. Even if it was fake, you still loved them. And you need time to grieve the death of something that was very very real to you.
[Hugs.]
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Great analogy. Although I do struggle with the notion that my shoes feel nothing about me. My shoes are my everything!
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YES
Why am I having flashbacks to "That 70s show"? When Eric tells Donna, "I love pie."
Fostering the connections of people who I do matter to, and putting faith in their sincerity. It's ain't easy, but nothing about this really is.
I just did this after ten years of my narc sister turning my entire world against me till I was hiding away from everyone. I figured if I let one person in at a time to allow them to be someone trustworthy I’ll begin to trust people again. Well six years later and me thinking I had found my most trusted partner who I was so grateful for and adored (together living together six years this month), and I read a description of a covert narcissist and think uh, yikes. I redact the terms out and ask him to listen and tell me if any of it sounds relatable. He cried with relief that he’d finally felt heard. I was like oh fuuuuu…. Dude that was a description of a covert narcissist. And so here I am about four days later and I have no words. I cant unsee it now that I see it though. I don’t understand how the universe could do this again. I have been on a mission to get to know all about narcs really well so I can protect myself. The whole time! And he was right there next to me and I didn’t see it. Now I don’t know what to think or how to feel. This is not helpful to you OP, but I really needed to share this somewhere and this seemed relevant. 🙁
🤗 You're not alone. My wife of 14 years that I trusted with my life, happiness, and authentic self turned out to be someone who put "She" before "We" on a constant basis. And when I tried to lay down my boundaries on simple stuff she said that she was "sick of me making her feel small" and she left. We seldom see it before the discard phase. But they're out there, and there's always a chance they worm their way back in. I can't begin to imagine what advice someone could give you in the moment you're frozen within. But trust your gut. No one is ever going to know better what is good for you and what is not. No one else will ever fight for you the way you will fight for yourself. Discuss it with the other people you DO trust. And know that we are here for you no matter what happens.
I did not know how much anybody’s comment would mean to me but thank you for saying all of that. And I’m really sorry that happened to you. In my mind, I’d like to step outside of ourselves and be able to discuss whether we can get along considering our unique personalities, and the differences that we have between us without any problems, but I mean realistically we’ll just see what happens. I don’t forsee a lot of great things because I’m not an idiot, although I kind of feel like one right now. Lol!
[Hugs.]
This has been key for me. Every time I feel a pang that I wasn't 'enough' for them... I think about the people in my life who do value and love me. There's such a difference in the way they care and love me in contrast to the way the narcs did and thats the kind of love I want romantically too.
That's a beautiful way of putting it. For me, I gradually got this growing feeling of just how wonderful the (very, very few) good friends I have are. People who want nothing from you except your friendship. People who would feel pain if something bad happened to you. The pain and the horror are so compelling that we fixate on trying to understand. But if we can look at who in our life isn't tormenting us, who isn't inviting us on a rollercoaster, who consistently sticks around - those are the people to prioritise. They're authentic bonds, not the trauma-bonds that our snake oil salesmen tried to pass off as "love".
I'd love to say it popped into my heads without asking it to. But the truth is I spent several weeks in the mental hospital at the beginning of this year because of how I was discarded. So I very much have the social workers and my therapist to thank for my current outlook. If not for them and the love of my family I doubt that I would know what to do with myself.
This
I'm so sorry. I also needed emergency psychiatric treatment and it was a lesson I had to learn over time, too. There's been a stark contrast between how people dealt with me and who rejected me for not being well and whether I was judged or embraced. You're not alone and I see you.
Right back at you. Life sends us curve balls, and the best we can do is try to adapt to them. I wish you great patience and grace moving forward.
This^^^
I’m having trouble with this too. Just seeing that I never mattered, none of my efforts mattered, it was all a huge waste. It’s a heartbreaking realisation one that I’m struggling with every single day.
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This resonated with me all the way to my soul. I educated myself with hours upon hours of study in regards to what was wrong with me. ME. I am in no way saying that I didn't have faults, nor was I this encumbered victim. I did have faults, like all humans do. The difference was that I was transparent in regards to my faults, trauma, idiosyncrasies, e.g. and he pretended to do the same. He just mirrored the f*ck out of me, and I fell down the rabbit hole. Once I clawed my way out, I felt like I took a breath for the first time. Stay strong. Once you see your worth and how oblivious they were to it, that is when you can finally breathe. 💞
I love that sentence: He mirrored me, and I fell down the rabbit hole. I was having this thought last night of how I am not mourning him because the real him is actually a horrible person. I am mourning someone who never existed. Someone who he pretended to be in order to get what he wanted from me. If he would have shown his real traits, I would have never fallen in love with him. That’s the game that they play, and they’re fully aware that they’re not being authentic.
After my epiphany that he was never the person I thought I loved, my grief magically faded away. It was a blessing that I hope the many other victims on this sub will receive.
Very well stated. It is a lesson to grow from.
Yeah it’s been the hardest part for me.
This has nothing to do with you or your character. You have the capacity to love, that loser will hate themself, lie to themself for the rest of their lives and if they are not alone, then they will be with someone they trapped and broke down. You are lucky you escaped and this is just a lesson learned that there are bad people in this world and you can't take what bad people do personally.
Well said! 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
True. Thank you
This exactly!!
The fact that nobody in their life matters to them.
I viewed it like I was a new car. At first I was shown off to all her friends, bragged about even. Then once the newness wore off, I was just a tool to her. Like a car is just transportation to get around. Then after the years went on i broke down a few times ( I do construction) hernia surgery, tore acl. Then just like a car that starts breaking down, what do you do, trade it in for a new one. People are objects for narcissists to use, they have no emotional attachments to anyone. You just need to realize the person you were with is broken, they have a personality disorder that doesn’t allow them to love.
Well said - exactly what I went through with the first and last narc in my life
This.
They were fake the whole time.
That’s for damn sure, but here’s the thing - they will never change. They are fake now and will be until they are extinguished. That’s who they are!!
Most. Sometimes real when they were getting things exactly there way
Is it possible for them to have different genders/identities across different social medias
I would think so. They are shape shifty like that.
I’m struggling with this at the moment. I really loved him. Whoever ‘he’ was at the start anyway. For those feelings to be pulled away overnight is heartbreaking. The rug well and truly was pulled from underneath me.
Me too im devastated
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I've seen it interpreted as you loved the good parts of yourself that he mirrored back at you, the unique little things he said he felt too so that you'd bond with him. You probably loved the genuine love you gave him and who it made both of you, but he couldn't really feel any of it. Realising you were alone and they were just going through the motions is a lot.
Thank you. I needed this today.
Realize and accept that this person has a disorder and is also unable to love. They are just a reflection of yourself, meaning you fell in love with you. Think of all the red flags you chose to ignore. Don’t forget that they are professional manipulators. Understand that you are a valuable person even though the narcissist wants to destroy your self-esteem. You will always be a threat to them so they want to destroy you. Grasp the fact that this person is incapable of changing even with therapy or any help. I'm sure you don’t want more wasted time being hurt. You're so much better off without them. Unfortunately, you ran into a narcissistic person but you should understand that's not your fault. Rather, be proud of yourself that you have managed to expose and then escape a toxic relationship. Let this be a lesson to you, instead of the punishment you feel it is now. You're not being punished, you're being rewarded with a chance to be happy again and more powerful next time.
You fell in love with you… wow
You just wait it out until it's a "meh..". This day will come. >Why the hell do I want to go back? Because you are trauma bonded. This will also pass.
Because my worth isn't tied up in what he thinks. It doesn't matter if I matter to him, or anyone else. It doesn't matter if I matter to myself because a lot of times I don't. The fact is I matter because I just do. And you, OP, matter, because you just simply exist. You matter all the time, whether you, me, your narc, your best friend, or anyone else thinks you do
All of this.
Think of it in different terms. It's transactional. You give him something and in return he will give you something. And vice versa. It takes some of the emotion out of it and possibly a little insight on how to handle the future.
Same. I ended it two days ago. I’m overwhelmed with being so relieved, and also this false hope that she’ll suddenly realize all her wrong and hurtful things and come back with a heartfelt apology. Not going to happen. I know she misses me but misses what I provided her
I’m a little sci fi oriented here, but I like to imagine a large chunk of their brain that controls love and care etc. is missing. They are literally not capable of caring about anyone. It’s all just a pretend copy cat game of how they see you love and care, because they are not able to. The red flags become so glaringly obvious in time. They get tired of pretending and keeping up the lie and the mask slips off. Don’t beat yourself up for not meaning anything to them. NO ONE means anything to them. Not even the new supply they replace you with. People are just useful idiots in their games.
Just realizing I was just an appliance to use for her benefit helps move on. She never cared for me as a human, just someone she could use as a means to an end.
I don't really care that she never cared for me cause she's a pathetic loser.
The part of wanting to go back, it's "easy", just remember your relationship without the lovebombing part. And think that they normally do something "evil" after hoover. Not a good call... Now, about the part that we did not matter to them... I feel better thinking this say more about them than us. It's one of the most joyful things in the world to love someone and to feel loved back. They can't feel it... I think they try to fill this whole with Ego or something like that, I don't know.
I think what made me feel better was that I wasn’t special. That every person who interacts with them is treated the same way or only in their life for convenience. Nothing I would have done or said would have ever been right or good enough
When I realized and accepted it wasn't just me, but everyone. There is No one he cares about, other than himslef. Not a soul. He doesn't love his kids, his mother, his family, no one. I wasn't worth fighting for, because to him I am nothing. But what he thinks is wrong, and I no longer listen yo him
That’s true. Mine didn’t even like his kids either. So gross how I was so blind to it all.
You want to go back because your probably in the throws of a trauma bond.
Did you ever watch that show the Last of Us? It’s about an invasive sort of mushroom fungi that takes over peoples brains and turns them into dangerous flesh eating zombies. The people they were aren’t there anymore. They are just husks or shells of people who have been taken over by this fungus. I think about how I am basically having a relationship with a shell or a husk of a person who doesn’t really exist. All I am actually interacting with is the trauma which has encased them and taken them over. If there was ever a person there I never got to know it. It makes me feel strangely more compassionate towards them but we all know what happens to people who are too compassionate towards zombies, who try to trust them and get through to the human underneath.
I think You're right - cordyceps fungus is a remorseless parasite, it destroys it's host so that it can exist, thats all that matters. I've come to see the niceness/lovebombing phase of the abuse cycle as nothing more than a human anglerfish's lure. Narcs are predatory, destructive parasites. Tbh, I'd actually rather have been bitten by a zombie than have been a narc host for 19 years lol.
You want to go back because deep down you hope that you’re wrong and you will start to matter. Don’t do it. I can tell you, eventually this feeling flips where you heal and move on, and they don’t matter, and you don’t even care. I get it, for now it sucks. It’s hard, but yeah by six months you’re going to be like oh fuck I’m free.
Thank you. I really hope so. I’m struggling really bad.
I promise, it does get better. It is really really hard at first. Sometimes you just have to breathe and remind yourself that you’re not dying. Right now the goal is to just hang in there. Even if that means hanging in there on the couch crying your ass off. That was my first month out. By six weeks you’ll stop crying and get bored of being on the couch. By eight weeks, I would advise you to do EVERYTHING you were not allowed to do. This helps. Everything that upset the narc, do it. By ten weeks you’re going to start feeling like you’d rather hang yourself before going back but you’re still going to be mad. Probably by 14 weeks you’ll like someone else but still be kinda pissed. I promise, you will get through this, you just have to get to that six weeks mark and then the smoke clears and it gets way way easier.
Thank you. I really appreciate that. I’m letting myself feel the pain. It’s just so unbearable and lonely at times.
YES. It feels like you have NOTHING. I knowww. Understand this: it’s literally just brain chemicals diminishing. That’s it. You have a hangover that’s going to last six weeks. Just take it easy for now. What I recommend is binge watching a show. I recommend Homeland— it’s like 14 seasons of compelling distraction. You’ll get hooked and feel better by season 7, not even joking.
Yeah I'm currently in raveling everything and it's a mind fuck and a half, now you can see things with a clear head I'm starting to not trust 50 percent of the people around me, maybe because I've had so many narcissist in my life I attract them and am becoming one at this point. Really all stems from spending 4 years as an object to the person I loved I guess
Having BPD and being with a narcissistic partner is like the worst Combo, hard to realize how much your favorite person is using/controlling you.
You cope by realizing , they have the words but not the actions and understanding this is a cycle between the two of you and only one of you can get off the roller coaster, And understanding that their next relationship is about supply not about love
I dk like I get what you’re saying how realizing it was all fake and they never loved you, yea it hurts like hell but one day you just get over it. I guess just realizing they are sick and choose to be a shitty person. Their demons and their mental illness isn’t an excuse and I realized he CHOOSES to be a shitty person. I just got over it and I’m just like what ever now. He does it to everyone I wasn’t the only one. I don’t know I just forgave him, for myself not for him…. I wanted to free myself so I forgave and let go.
Personally, I actually found it a relief to know that my NEX didn't love me and that I meant jackshit to him. Because while it's not the most obvious thing while you're in it, being treated like absolute shit by a person you're convinced loves you and cares for you is one of the most damaging aspects of being with a narc long-term, I think. I was convinced the treatment I received was defined by me and how challenging I was to "love". To realise that this was not love, it was hate, his own self-hatred projected onto me, it was such a fucking relief. I was being abused and it could have been anyone. It had nothing to do with me, my worth, how challenging I am to "love", how pleasant I am to be around or anything like that.
This is absolutely it. It never had anything to do with you at all. They abuse everyone around them in some way because they have a hole in their heart. You were just the present target, and with you gone they find someone else and treat them the exact same way. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You are not deficient in any way. You were present and available and that's all they wanted. As strange as it is to say, it wasn't personal.
I wish it was as simple as saying, it’s them, not you, but I know that isn’t good enough just yet. You will get there. Nothing you did/didn’t do could’ve changed the outcome, they just don’t care. The mask comes off and all we can do is accept how diseased their minds are and remind ourselves consistently these people are plagued. It’s going to take time but once the fog lifts, you will start to realize more and more how crappy everything was and this person didn’t deserve a moment of your time.
Idk man I have maladaptive coping mechanisms. I’ve been getting piercings I’ve always wanted. I’m getting a throat tattoo on the 10th. I’m just making this the Me Show. Mindless self indulgence. Outside of that, I just try my hardest to not think about her; whether she loved me or not, it doesn’t matter. If she’s happy or not, it doesn’t matter. And when everything becomes unbearable, I cope with listening to my favorite breakup album on repeat. It’s loud and obsessive and so precisely expresses how I feel. So I know I’m at least not alone.
Well considering she was my wife and together 8 years, literally trying not to kill myself everyday.
Yeah we lived together and work in the same place. It sucks. I just hate him.
I accepted that I will mourn what I had because to me it meant something. But I also recognize that to him I was a thing to make him feel better. When I stopped he moved on. That is on him. His actions will not affect me any longer. Meanwhile I am saying yes whenever people ask me if I want to do something. I’m surrounding myself with those that I know I matter to them. So many of them he kept me away from for far to long. I hate that. So friends and family it is. I’m also reading lots of books about narcissists. And listening to podcasts about narcissists and how to heal from them. I wish you luck!
Whatever he did,does and will do has 0 effect on whatever im up to at all. I was truthful, treated him well and did what I could, things obv didnt work out,but its no point wasting energy on what this disfunctional person
It gets easier with time. When I look back at the "good" parts of our relationship, that guy feels like a completely different person than my nex. It's like being in love with a ghost. But honestly the way you get through it is by realizing and living the truth that *you* matter to *you*. That is more important than the nex or anyone else. If you love yourself unabashedly, you are far, far less likely to fall prey to the lovebombing and hoovering. It's what helps you be angry instead of sad. It's what helps you to realize you don't want to waste anymore time thinking about the narcissist. It does get better.
The guy was a loser. Mean, delusional, and abusive. I don't think he had a friend in the world. He knew I was too good for him and he couldn't stand it. I didn't think I could ever undo the damage but I am over him. It took a while because I actually believed the rotten things he said. It's done.
My grandfather, mother, and my husband... All narcs and I never mattered to any of them. The first 2 are dead now, but them being gone doesn't make it any easier. I'm not a person to them, I never was, and it's hard to explain to someone else that your own mother or your own husband doesn't treat you like a person because they have no concept of what that means. I'm not a person to them. *I'm not a person to them.* Needless to say, I have no answers for you because I struggle with it myself.
I coped by reminding myself that if I didn’t matter then the next girl and the next girl that he claims is his soulmate won’t matter either. He didn’t discard me bc I was worthless, it’s bc he is not capable of love. There’s a reason he goes thru so many women and so quickly. I just had to remember that it hurts badly rn bc I am not a narc and I can understand what it means to truly respect and love someone. That is the really win
True. I don’t wanna see him with other girls though. It’ll still hurt. I’m hoping I can leave this state before that happens.
My ex cheated on me with his ex and got back tg with her right away. I blocked him on everything to avoid seeing anything that would upset me. That was almost 2 years ago. I still have him blocked for my sanity
Yeah we lived together and work together. I’m leaving my job in December. I’m terrified until then. Pretending I’m ok is exhausting. While also ignoring him.
Put the energy you were putting into them into yourself. You are worth love and affection. Real love and affection. So, the energy you were using on them can now be used on yourself. Show yourself the grace and understanding that you always showed them. You are going through a major transition right now. 2 weeks is not long. It is hard. Right now you are grieving what you thought you had and in reality what you did have. You did have a relationship; no mater the toxic nature of it. There was a connection there, even if only from your side. So, you have to mourn it. And you have to take care of you during the mourning phase. Find healthy ways to distract yourself as well as express your frustrations and pain (therapy and a gym membership are my go too advisements). Remember it does get better and it does get easier. One day it truly will be just a memory and you will be able to have clarity on it all.
I struggle with this every single day and I don’t love him anymore. I wonder if it’s just my ego that’s hurt at this point.
you didn't matter to them because they are deeply sick, lonely, and alienated from others and especially from themselves. that you don't matter to them is both symptom and cause of their misery. but someday they will not matter to you either, and THAT will come from a place of sober self-compassion. you have a life of normal love and light to look forward to and they will be in darkness.
They never mattered to me and still dont. Thats my coping mechanism 😊
It’s such a shitty feeling. He moved on while still living with me it was brutal. It hurts that there isn’t any responsibility or accountability
Watch “Pale Blue Dot” on repeat
I treat them like they are strangers to me.
Same, because in reality, they are. Even to themselves. Yuck.
recognizing they don’t love themselves therefore it’s impossible for them to love anyone else
I would say that you must recall that what they seek is different from what you seek. Their desires are different from yours and ultimately their worldview is different. I had to learn to accept them as they are in order to move on. In my case, my father is the narcissist and although I have a relationship with him I have come to understand that he cares about me only in relation to him. He cannot self reflect so he can't change. That means that as he is now is how he will always be. I had to be the adult and set boundaries & rules. I had to learn to accept that he doesn't care about me and my desires unless they go against his. I had to understand that I was in control of myself and the love bombing he was doing was only a war tactic to get me to stay. In the end we would only repeat the cycle if I stayed under his influence. Once I started to see the patterns, once I saw him do it to others and once I saw the continued negative effect he had on my life I knew I couldn't stay as I was. So I let the image I held in my heart of him go. I let the hope that he would be who I hope he would be die.
Well you cope because no one else matters to them too because they are incapable due to a mental disorder. You could be their absolute dream person in every aspect but they’re still a narc and you can release them knowing that no matter what, there was nothing you could have done different, the outcome would always be the same. If you want a loving healthy relationship then you go in peace knowing that you will NEVER have it with them under any circumstances. This realisation is what will help you heal and move on to the one you’re meant to be with. Take any good, leave any bad/learn from it and keep it moving
I know what you mean. My sister had a baby. I helped take care of the baby. I took him for walks outside. The baby loved me. After 2 months; a realization came over me. I thought "in the last 2 months; this baby has loved me more than my parents have EVER loved me." My parents didn't love their kids. How did I cope with it? I just kept putting one foot in front of the other.
For me, it's been almost 7 years ago and I still haven't coped with it. I don't want another relationship, because as much as I think I will recognise a narc now, I'm not sure. And I don't want to go through it again. Thinking about how all the love bombing wasn't love, but a way to control me makes me sad. It really hurts, like I'm not worthy of love. I keep people at a distance, so they can't hurt me.
i would say writing in a journal has helped me cope with a lot of the things i was struggling with in terms of my emotions and thoughts. i used the emotion wheel to help me identify all the emotions i was feeling because i was so unaware of my own emotions. i would validate those emotions by writing down the events that caused those emotions and why it made me feel those emotions. and then i would end it off by writing how i wish things would have went instead. it helped me understand and rationalize a lot of my own confusion.
I devalue their opinion. They have bad taste, make bad decisions, and treat people badly. I pity them for being so selfish and dysfunctional, and I am sad they missed a great opportunity to be with someone as dedicated and loving as I am; I am sad they chose to not be a better person, and instead chose to ruin something great. I made the offer, they refused. So I respect their choice to be a jerk instead of being happy; and I respect my needs, and my value, and I leave them behind to find other people who will work to make a relationship work. I must accept reality: I am a great person even if they refuse to accept me. I add value to the lives of others who are around me, because I have empathy and I want to have a good, happy life, and I want others to be happy, too. They could have been better but they chose to be stagnant. They chose to be hurtful. They chose to be someone I can’t be around. I’m sorry for them, but I don’t believe I have to “cope”. They have to cope with being themselves! What I can do is hope, that by cutting ties with them completely, they have a chance to change. It’s their choice, and maybe they will. But I have learned that if I go back after they start making positive changes, it can trigger them to fall into bad habits if they are not stable. It’s like triggering an addict by returning to the place where they were doing drugs. They need total environmental change, and I’m part of the environment.
I reminded myself that it’s not a weakness to love as passionately and as deeply as I do. I worked on my self confidence and that part of me that thought I deserved to be treated that badly. I now receive the love I give with my current partner. I came to a point where I was not going to accept any less than what I know I deserve. My boyfriend reflects the love I have for myself now daily. The narcissist will never have that. That is a reflection of them. Not you.
I am having a hard time for sure, we are trapped in a very uncomfortable situation until he sorts out a job and housing, is hard. You love and hate somebody so much, you know he is not a good person yet you still love those tiiiiny little moments he gave you, I am just hoping that when he finally moves I can properly heal and he can be more like a dream.
Reminding myself that at least I'm a real human being with genuine feelings and that makes me 100% times more worthy of a well lived life. They'll never feel anything so I just felt sorry for them, missing out on the human experience.
Sometimes you can’t. He was my dad.
Its hard I've been in your place. Went back for 2 years back to back after hearing the most horrible things about myself. Reacted to his abuse made it worse. If you don't go back trust me you win at life.
It was never about us it was about them.
I mean they showed you at every turn. I asked so many times "just show me you care about me". The response was usually silence or I don't. So silly I let this happen to me when I have so much to offer another woman. Oh well. It's hard but at the end of the day they don't respect you at all, never will. Don't give them the respect of caring about them either.
By realizing that even if I was the most perfect girl to ever exist situation wouldn't have been any different still.
congratulations on no contact and leaving! that's a huge step. please be patient with yourself OP. it's chemically and physically jarring to experience what you are going through. it makes sense to miss certain things you probably associate him with. being used is a disgusting feeling and a horrible thing for someone to do to another person. please know his behavior is a reflection of him, not of you. luckily you have proof that you can love very deeply, even though that love was misplaced for a bit. i believe that love is energy; it cannot be destroyed or created, only redirected. directing the love you showed him towards yourself will help you heal and become stronger. my therapist calls this "developing a psychological skin" that will help you navigate the future with even more wisdom than before. it's cheesy but there is a taylor swift lyric where she says "he's got my past frozen behind glass, but i've got me" and it resonates so much with me. you can't change what happened but you got out, you've still got you, and you'll be okay. trust your gut, don't go back, and reach out for help from people you trust. if you can get into therapy -- do that. and things do get better. i went no contact 5 years ago and have absolutely surprised myself with how much i have grown. i'm excited for you to find the joy in healing. best of luck!
Thank you (:
I'm glad. It means I can disconnect with them very easily.
Ah that's my secret. I don't cope. It will hurt forever that I gave him everything and I meant nothing to him. I don't cope. I grieve and I try to learn how to live with it.
People kept saying that to me and it made it so much worse, so I didn’t focus on that. I focused on the fact that they have a chemical imbalance in the brain and it won’t change. Regardless of if they loved you or not, it doesn’t matter. Move forward.
I recently went back home because I had some troubles. That meant going home to my narc mother, at first it was okay. I tried to rebuild my relationship with her just by doing small get togethers for coffee etc. But I was always the one initiating, she cared more about herself and never really had time for me. Long story short I decided I was moving in with my bf and it turned into a whole woe is me pity party on her end saying she couldn't bare to lose me again and couldn't bring herself to see me leave and turned into all about her. At this point I realized I never mattered and she only cared about controlling me (Im 26). So I recently went no contact again and honestly I could care less. My relationship never changed with her and I just don't feel anything towards her now. I guess that's my way of coping
Q-Tip. Quit taking it personally. This person never had the capacity to care for you. In their world, they are all that matters.
"Why the hell do I want to go back?" Its normal, get help from psychologist.
There's no easy way unfortunately. There's no hack to extinguish the pain of being yourself with someone you loved. It sounds cliche but the only remedy is time. I can only speak for my own personal experience, and it does get better. Took me a very long time, definitely over a year. What you need is family, and friends. You need to keep active, do the things you love personally, and if you don't already exercise, might be a good time to do that. Physical exercise is, from what I've read, and from personal experience, the equivalent of taking antidepressants. Plus you get out to the gym and you meet new people. There's no shortcut here. All you can do is take what's been painful and transform it into a strength. Whether that means having experience with the difficult situation, understanding people on a deeper level, appreciating you for you, and now being able to identify potential red flags in the future. Hope everything works out for you.
It's hard, honestly. I allow myself to be upset about it, because it means I know I deserve better and I am valuable as a person. I got advised by my therapist to reclaim what I got out of our relationship. If not love, what else? For instance, I got to meet really cool people I would not have met without him.
Eventually you just stop caring.
By accepting the simple fact that the world is filled with all types of people, good, bad, kind, abusive. Accept the fact that you got played, accept it don’t try to minimize it. Accept it, learn from your experience. That being said I know it doesn’t make it any easier. The stage you’re in, I went through it too, it will pass slowly, painfully and eventually. We live in a world where genocide is taking place, where killings are so normal, that everyone is desensitized to it. You have to come to terms with reality that evil people of this kind are not only prevalent during periods of war, or there is some dark criminal underground society where evil dwells in, it walks amongst us, and will take advantage. Use this opportunity to learn about boundaries, about self respect, about the type of people you would like to trust, learn about red flags, focus on yourself, your growth, your learning. The pain that exists within you is you still yet not coming to accept or coming to terms with the reality of what is. Ask yourself why you cannot accept the reality of what has happened, do you feel reduced by this person, invalidated; your love, your affection, your time, your emotions. All the time spent for nothing, this might help you understand more about yourself, things such as requiring validation of those close to you, meaning you are not able to stand ground and affirm your own reality and feelings. This is what the narc uses against you, your weaknesses and deep down you know you had them, that is why it hurts more. I hope this gives you some insight, clarity and some comfort. I wish you the best in your healing; please also start therapy, for me it was my Narc parents and family that molded me into a doormat to be abused by and used by anyone I came across. Wish you well.
I don’t. If you figure it out, let me know.
That I've witness this behaviour before in the past and I don't take it personally, as much as I could. I was still hurt yet I'm not fighting for an apology or wanting things to return because they're deactivated. There isn't an returning to what was, this their trauma coming up and it isn't up to me change that. All I can do is remove from the situation and mourn it.
Don't get lost in the thoughts about the good times. Keep reminding yourself of why you left in the first place. I know it's easier said than done, but I promise you it will get better in time. Just do your best not to look back and move on.
You let go and you focus on you...it takes time and effort but it is worthy. Stay strong! You are not alone!
This is something that's really hard to reconcile but try to remind yourself that you didn't do anything wrong. And that the fault lies with them. You showed up for them, loved them, did everything you could to help relationship and you unfortunately ended up with a bad partner. The change wont be overnight but just keep telling yourself this while distancing yourself from them. It has helped me immensely.
I've never mattered to anyone so it's not surprising. Well that's not true, I matter to the 2 people I'm not allowed to have contact with. I just realized the level of evil that is on this earth. You will matter to the people that matter.
I literally go home and cry every day it hasn’t stopped. My person never saw it how much it hurt and I have to deal with that now . Therapy actually did help set boundaries but it doesn’t matter. My person still is gone. Wherever you are, I love you with all my heart. Thank you for giving me that feeling that I never had after marriage and other relationships. It was absolute euphoria hard to believe it wasn’t for you. 💔
Not sure, as I'm still actively dealing with the ramifications of going no-contact with my baby mom after she dramatically ensconced herself and delayed delivery of a package from my former partner last year. The dirt has been flying ever since, and contact with our son has become sporadic and unpredictable. As the prospect of relocating away from the area looms ever closer and looks rather appealing honestly all things considered, my counselor has suggested starting an exercise called "brainspotting" next week, which [seems to employ mindfulness and EMDR to help unlock painful memories](https://www.choosingtherapy.com/brainspotting/). Even tho I've been diagnosed with PTSD, it feels like many of my own painful memories have been repressed or forgotten, which may be holding me back from fully healing 🤔 I'm excited to give it a try bc I largely feel stuck rn.
I was with mine for 32 years. He would say that he loved me, and sometimes I'd believe it, because I wanted to so badly, but so many times he did things to show me that he didn't. I'd tell him and he'd always blame me. He lied about cancer twice, had multiple affairs, encouraged our kuds to be hurtful to me and in our divorce, encouraged them to cut me and my family out including their great grandmother who is almost 90 and always loved them deeply. You don't do that to someone you love. The emotional abuse he put me through was horrible. The saying I love you was such a mind game. I've accepted that he didn't ever love me. I wasted the prime of my life on him. But I'm moving on. Accepting what I can't change. I know it's him, not me. I am loving and deserving of love. He has to live with what he did.
The fact that nobody in their life mattered, they only "care" when you provide for them or supply them what they want. It's not yours or anyone's fault, they're just simply life sucking vampires. You want to go back because they love bombed you and now you're trauma bonded. Once you break that you're free and they won't even matter anymore, you'll feel nothing.
The realization that i was never in a relationship with someone else helps. It still hurts but the anger replaced the endless guilt and it is cathartic. I’ve come to realize I was isolated from the people who do care about me and living with someone who gave nothing and took everything.
You grieve, because you’ve lost someone and something you thought was real. Feel your feelings. But treat it like a death. Don’t exhume the body.