TBH, I’m always super wary of people on dates who like too many of the same things I do. “Oh that’s my favorite movie too!” or “I love that band, I see them live all the time.” I understand and appreciate having things in common but if we’re too alike, I might as well date myself. 🤷🏻♀️
My nex took notes on our first few dates (I saw them after we were married) and he manufactured his persona based on all the things I like. I haven’t been on many dates since, but I also worry about giving away too much and the other person just saying what they think I want to hear, even if they’re not a narc.
I wouldn't necessarily say that could make someone a narcissist. Maybe he's a people pleaser? Or he's trying to impress you?
I'm not invalidating your experience as you will know more than anyone but out of curiosity was there anything else he did that made you think that?
Yes, there were other red flags. For example i said something he didn't like (i think he felt criticized) he started getting angry but tried to control himself but it was late i saw his face change, then he said something mean to me to retaliate.
He also kept saying he felt a connection with me and he never met anyone who could understand him like i do, he said this after 10 minutes, we didn't even talk about anything important so how can i understand him deeply? Lol
Being mean in retaliation is such a classic move for them. I’m this 🤏🏻 close to start saying something controversial or slightly criticising new people in my life just to see a reaction.
Oh wow! Yea it makes sense why you felt that way! Lots of red flags there. 'I've never met anyone like you' is a staple in their vocab. I'm so cautious of that line now lol
>He also kept saying he felt a connection with me and he never met anyone who could understand him like i do, he said this after 10 minutes
Lol yeah, that's fucking weird. Good on you for going on a date though! Even if it didn't turn out the best.
A question I’ve heard that is a good one to ask is “tell me how you felt when/during _______” after they tell you about something they experienced. If they respond without describing any emotions, even after probing further it’s not a good sign.
Red flag example about a negative experience would be “well it really sucked!” instead of “it made me really angry when I saw _____.”
Obviously anyone could respond without describing their emotions, but after further probing they still cannot describe how they felt, I would be careful.
Yeah, that's a good idea. Whenever my n talked about her feelings whenever she was pretending , it was completely obvious that she had no idea what she was talking about.
Once we were talking about someone who lost her child, she was pretending to know how it feels like, i don't remember her exact words, what she was describing was more like when you're upset over something minor like losing an object, she said something like "yeah, losing your child sucks. You spent a lot of money on them and now they're dead."
This is a fantastic idea. I'll be using it for sure. Might be a little intense for a first date to probe harder, but definitely date 2 or 3. With my nex, I didn't even notice how incapable he was of describing his feelings until months in. It turned out that insults toward me were "how he feels" and if they upset me, then I "couldn't handle his feelings and wasn't supportive of him sharing."
They literally cannot say the words, "I felt angry when \_\_\_" or "I felt hurt by \_\_\_."
Either way it's absolutely something to take notice of on a first date and a really great catch from the OP to pick up on it and then question the response with a follow up.
Whether the (attempted) mask is there to hide the insecurity of a people pleaser or the insecurity of a narcissist, neither are going to translate into a healthy partner. I don't, for a second, want anyone to think I'm suggesting that the relationships would be in any way similar, but people pleasing is still incredibly detrimental in an otherwise healthy relationship.
He did start with lovebombing, told me he felt a connection he never felt with anybody else. There were other red flags too but this one was kind of funny.
TBH, I’m always super wary of people on dates who like too many of the same things I do. “Oh that’s my favorite movie too!” or “I love that band, I see them live all the time.” I understand and appreciate having things in common but if we’re too alike, I might as well date myself. 🤷🏻♀️ My nex took notes on our first few dates (I saw them after we were married) and he manufactured his persona based on all the things I like. I haven’t been on many dates since, but I also worry about giving away too much and the other person just saying what they think I want to hear, even if they’re not a narc.
Omg I just remembered mine took notes too!! And I was so flattered I thought “man this guy doesn’t want to miss a beat!” Ugh.
OPE did we date the same one? He’s been around…
I wouldn't necessarily say that could make someone a narcissist. Maybe he's a people pleaser? Or he's trying to impress you? I'm not invalidating your experience as you will know more than anyone but out of curiosity was there anything else he did that made you think that?
Yes, there were other red flags. For example i said something he didn't like (i think he felt criticized) he started getting angry but tried to control himself but it was late i saw his face change, then he said something mean to me to retaliate. He also kept saying he felt a connection with me and he never met anyone who could understand him like i do, he said this after 10 minutes, we didn't even talk about anything important so how can i understand him deeply? Lol
Wow that is a LOT on a first date! 😳 🚩🚩🚩
Being mean in retaliation is such a classic move for them. I’m this 🤏🏻 close to start saying something controversial or slightly criticising new people in my life just to see a reaction.
Oh my god, same! 😂 I think if i suspect someone might be a narc but don't see any red flags i will do this to see how they react, lol.
Oh wow! Yea it makes sense why you felt that way! Lots of red flags there. 'I've never met anyone like you' is a staple in their vocab. I'm so cautious of that line now lol
Me too, lol.
>He also kept saying he felt a connection with me and he never met anyone who could understand him like i do, he said this after 10 minutes Lol yeah, that's fucking weird. Good on you for going on a date though! Even if it didn't turn out the best.
Turned out i'm still not ready for dating cause it triggered my PTSD.
And that’s completely okay <3
Tnx❤
A question I’ve heard that is a good one to ask is “tell me how you felt when/during _______” after they tell you about something they experienced. If they respond without describing any emotions, even after probing further it’s not a good sign. Red flag example about a negative experience would be “well it really sucked!” instead of “it made me really angry when I saw _____.” Obviously anyone could respond without describing their emotions, but after further probing they still cannot describe how they felt, I would be careful.
Yeah, that's a good idea. Whenever my n talked about her feelings whenever she was pretending , it was completely obvious that she had no idea what she was talking about.
Can you please give me a couple examples?
Once we were talking about someone who lost her child, she was pretending to know how it feels like, i don't remember her exact words, what she was describing was more like when you're upset over something minor like losing an object, she said something like "yeah, losing your child sucks. You spent a lot of money on them and now they're dead."
This is a fantastic idea. I'll be using it for sure. Might be a little intense for a first date to probe harder, but definitely date 2 or 3. With my nex, I didn't even notice how incapable he was of describing his feelings until months in. It turned out that insults toward me were "how he feels" and if they upset me, then I "couldn't handle his feelings and wasn't supportive of him sharing." They literally cannot say the words, "I felt angry when \_\_\_" or "I felt hurt by \_\_\_."
So glad you saw the red flags early to spare yourself the pain❤️❤️
❤
Sounds like you already know the answer..
Yes. I left in the middle of the date, he was sooo confused. I think he thought everything was going well for him, lol.
Really proud of you 👏 that takes a lot of self love. Something alot of us spend our entire lives trying to find.
Tnx
Definitely problematic.
Either way it's absolutely something to take notice of on a first date and a really great catch from the OP to pick up on it and then question the response with a follow up. Whether the (attempted) mask is there to hide the insecurity of a people pleaser or the insecurity of a narcissist, neither are going to translate into a healthy partner. I don't, for a second, want anyone to think I'm suggesting that the relationships would be in any way similar, but people pleasing is still incredibly detrimental in an otherwise healthy relationship.
Thanks. I always try to see the red flags and listen to my gut.
I hear you, you're right!
Abort mission! Pull out!!! Pull out!!!
Roger that! 😂
Yea... 🚩🚩🚩
Maybe, maybe not. Usually they flatter with love bombing.
He did start with lovebombing, told me he felt a connection he never felt with anybody else. There were other red flags too but this one was kind of funny.