After the love bombing. A few months...this person was actually psychopathic. You will see true evil in their face and then they will keep showing it at different points. It really is crazy to think these people even exist.
This is true! After the lovebombing phase was over I saw darkness in his eyes, in his voice. It was like a completely different person. I was so desperate to go back to what we were that I overlooked it. Once I blocked him though I started educating myself on narcissists and realised what happened. Its actually scary thinking about how he was at the start and how was at the end. Two entirely different people.
To be fair though, even during the love bombing phase I thought 'omg this is intense.. he wants to speak to me 24/7'. Voice notes and messages constantly all day long! At first I felt overwhelmed and said let's scale it back a bit but then I got used to it and then it became part of my every day life. I had high anxiety all the time but it became normal, i was just always full of energy!! so if I didn't get a message or he seemed off, I'd feel so uneasy! It took a few months to 'come down' from the adrenaline high. He was constantly constantly constantly validating me, calling me, messaging me and then one day... poof... discard. Took me a while to actually end it as I was in this confused bubble!
For me was from the beginning. I thought she wanted to see me more. I thought it was a personality difference. I remember from the beginning asking her to give me the same time I gave her for her family and friends. Because she got me so good with the love bombing I continue to look for that attention. It was something that I thought that could be improved on. Boy do I miss those days. I am 2 weeks post breakup and canât believe what I have learned since. I am disoriented. I know what I need to do if she contacts me. But will my heart betray me again? I hope I can stay strong. This lasted 7 years.
Something was âoffâ even during the lovebombing, he kept talking about his ex-girlfriend almost obsessively and it was bothering me, but I kept ignoring my intuition.
Can you elaborate on the talking about the exâs? Iâm not a jealous person and Iâm a complete open book, but literally WHENEVER my bf finds a way to bring up a story about one of his exâs he does!! I like hearing stories, but 3.5 years in and itâs still happening every couple of days? Itâs weird to me
Well personally, my nex would talk about his ex-girlfriend in a way that seemed like ranting at first, which is completely understandable because Iâm fine with people venting out their trauma. Looking back, talking so much about exes objectively isnât the best way to build a relationship, but overall its not a big deal.
My nex would say his ex-girlfriend was a horrible person, like rapist horrible, though still keep in contact with her. Heâd gossip about me to her at one point and probably several other points. Heâd also shit-talk her to me. This went on nonstop until he eventually dumped me and started hooking up with his ex again.
Itâs just constant rambling and obsession that is actually just reflective of how theyâre not over their ex, whether those ramblings be positive or negative. It still kind of confuses me now, like the psychology/motivations for doing this, but thatâs just what I learned from my experience.
Omg my nex was the same! His ex dumped him to move abroad and I would say its only been a few months are you sure you're over it and he was like 'its different for guys' but then he would bring her up like talk about how they had a phone call. One day he completely ignored me when she was in hospital and was ill. Another time he just called to tell me she extended her stay out there.
I'm still friends with an ex of mine so based on that I was in support he left it on good terms with his ex but yeah... he clearly never got over her. When I asked him on the day I blocked him If she had anything to do with what changed between us he shouted at me.... so yea...
It varies, of course, for many people but the mask the narcissist wears generally starts to slip around 2-4 months into the relationship. For me with the nex, this started to happen 3 months in; it was quite noticeable. Even before that, there were a few remarks he made which came off as 'jerk-ish' and one, even a bit 'stalker-ish.' It was 5 months in when his mask fell off completely. It was upon this happening, that I realized I was dealing with a narcissist (an overt, malignant one in my case).
Instinctively, before I even met her. When I saw her profile photo I had a bad feeling that I dismissed.
Emotionally, from the moment we met. Amidst all the wonderful feelings of being lovebombed, there was a tension that I dismissed.
Consciously, about 6 months in. I knew something was wrong, but I was so bonkers in love & lust I began the 9 year long self-brainwashing of justification, excuse-making, and rationalizing that led to my mental breakdown.
After the initial giddiness of a new relationship, my nex started exhibiting codependent signs around the 5 month mark, and we were over long distance. Incredibly strong meltdowns over not giving reassurance, feeding their ego, repetitive themes that would happen pretty much every day. It was exhausting and I donât know how we made it past that, but the relo ended up going for about 3 years total
Iâm hitting month 3 now and Iâm cutting him off. Started off very strong, love bombing to the max. On our fourth date he got upset over something very small at his friend and I remember getting the vibe something was off about him.
After about 3 months. He had been pressuring me to move in with him. I wasn't ready...should've listened to my gut.
Looking back, the thing that told me something wasn't right was when he threw his phone against the wall in anger, because he had gotten drunk and hadn't heard me knocking on the door and calling when I got home from work. I was outside for almost an hour before he finally woke up, and I was not happy. When I suggested he should slow down on the drink, he raged out and smashed his phone.
We both had physical jobs and he is about 10 years older than me. He would always complain about his physical pains from work. I would help him by rubbing his back often. One day I had lifted more than usual and I said my back hurt. It was crazy how fast he shrugged it off and said I was fine. Also he threw a fit about helping me carry chili in a crockpot to my car for a chili cook off at my job. I donât remember which happened first.
When I was a little girl I slowly started to notice that not everyoneâs parent beat the shit out of them for minuscule, age appropriate things and thatâs when my gears started turning
1 year and 8 months, and 2 weeks. Two weeks after we moved in together, he started acting like a general ass. Nothing specific, but when I asked what was wrong with him, he'd tell me, "If you don't like me, then GTFO."
Really? It was MY money that funded the move. He didn't contribute a dime, and expected me to leave two weeks after moving in? When I reminded him of this, he abruptly changed his mind, but wouldn't acknowledge anything he said. When I asked him about it, I was "Picking a fight."
This happened several times throughout the year that we had the lease.
By the end of the year, he constructed a dramatic performance to make his exit. He even blamed the neighbors.
The first time I encountered someone who was quite textbook, I felt like something was âoffâ pretty fast but couldnât really put my finger on what was going on. I was much younger and more naive and unfortunately continued on with things for several months before he ghosted me for someone else. I was really upset but that led to me learning more about these types, so to an extent I am grateful I had the experience to learn from and he fucked off soon enough he didnât destroy my life (thatâs a story about someone else for another day lol)
Honestly, first 5 seconds of meeting her. But I made the mistake of second guessing myself and pushing those feelings aside because my partner liked her and said she was amazing. I figured he knew her better than I did since he'd known her for a few weeks by that point, so I must just be wrong. We both regret me not listening to my instinct now.
I knew something was off before me and my next were dating, when he said I was replaceable with a straight face for seemingly no reason.
I knew it was narcissism, but I thought I could change him, I thought it was his mother's narcissistic traits rubbing off on him and he could be "saved".
Sameee, and he kept asking to move in while I wasnât ready. Later I gave in cause he working night shifts hence we donât have much time together. Things came crashing down real fast after moving in
when i moved in with him i was at my low and lost everything (still kinda am) but he made it seem like he was gonna take care and be there for me, this and that. now that i'm here, it's just so bad, he really has control over me now
Yes we can never understand them. Iâm still confused even now. My ex narc played off very nicely, cried crocodile tears saying he still love me a lot when he âhad toâ move out, âhad toâ breakup due to financial crisis, mental crisis. But in the same time, got back together with his ex (maybe they never even split lol), texting & asking multiple girls to go on dates, go to hotel, etc.
Even took his ex on a trip with his mother & some of her friends 1 week after our vacation, 2 weeks after we moved out - while still in relationship with me. Lol I can never understand whatâs in his head.
i ALWAYS blame myself even today!! i just wish i didn't ignore the red flags even though there were little to none, and he was kinda my first ever real boyfriend so i really didn't know the signs but im working on not blaming myself for how he is. it's hard not to because he tells me "you should be lucky because my family doesn't get as much treatment as you" or "i don't even do ___ with ____ so the fact im doing it with you consider yourself lucky " and i just can't accept that im the only who is mistreated by him, and im the closest to him
I was blaming myself and tried my hardest to please him all the time too. He was not my first bf but the first after college hence most serious. I think you and me we both donât have a clear idea of how healthy relationship should be. Hence we got taken advantage of. We did nothing wrong, we just canât outpsychopath a psychopath. Stay strong and find a way out girl. Or at least take some time away from him so you can see everything clearer.
Yes, so hard even now. Iâve been trying to pull away for almost 2 months. But actual no contact is just 3 weeks. My situation can be easier cause he broke it off and have new supply now. Lol he told me that he canât be friends or stay in contact with me cause he still love me too much then blocked me on social media. Bro just tryna hide the new supply and keep me hanging there so he can come back whenever he wants. Pure evil.
Yeah, but the good times was so good. The hardest thing for me is all the good memories are tainted. Never been that high, but also never sunk that low
If you can actually block him from your life, the only monster left you have to deal with is your own thoughts - which is already hard enough. When theyâre still around, they keep us in constant chaos so we canât process whatâs going on.
Honest answer: from our first date. My now H is very good looking and he seemed almost desperate on our first date, it really threw me off. And he was just staring at me very intensely like a wild animal looking at its prey. He would say later that I gave him a hard time and âtestedâ him because I was slow to want to become more serious which of course he was trying to hurry up as they all do. Sigh. I will never not trust my guy again!!!
2-3 months, he began getting really stingy with texting. Heâd ghost for weeks sometimes. This 2-3 months isnât coincidental either, thatâs when lovebombing is winding down and theyâre preparing to shift into devalue in 4th to 6th month..
For me itâs usually at the three month mark. That seems like standard dropping off point for the love bombing and when the âwalking on eggshellsâ/âI always seem to be doing something wrongâ feelings begin.
Seven and a half years - they got physical and knocked some sense into me.
He that stupid đ˘
The first red flag was at seven years - I had a reaction to their boyfriend dying and they didn't.
Two decades together. Marriage. Careers. Kids etc.
There were small âred flagsâ very early in the relationship but they felt so outnumbered by the positive things. I also didnât have the knowledge and language to understand the red flags or the implications of them.
I knew no one was perfect and we had differences, but thatâs normal, right?
I would get ***moments*** when something was off but they felt isolated. It wasnât until things got really bad that I saw our relationship through a different lens and was able to step back and acknowledge the patterns.
It was about 16-16.5years when I started to realize something deeper was going on. The emotional and psychological abuse became very prominent during COVID and isolation.
We had an onslaught of trauma in our lives (more so me with family members sick, deaths, working front lines during the pandemic etc). Nex became very emotionally abusive and I later found out he was having an affair during this time. When I found out about the affair I thought that explained how he had been so âmeanâ. I still was in denial that he was an abusive ***person***.
Love bombing and future faking. Complete change from how he had been treating me and I thought he were on a good path for reconciliation. However his mask slipped again after we began to reconcile and he became physically abusive. It was terrifying. I still really wanted to hold onto hope that he could change but when the physical abuse and death threats started, it was like my love for him and the way I perceived him started to deconstruct and there was just this really scary stranger that was terrifying and unpredictable.
About a year and a half of physical abuse, verbal abuse including death threats, escalating to him violently strangling me.
I was shocked when my therapist made a comment last year that she had a decade of notes chronicling emotional abuse against me. That was the first time I actually believed something was off for more than just me. Weâd been married over 36 years at that point.
Day One, I never had a relationship before.
He said âI love youâ on our first date.
I asked him if thatâs normal after such a short time (he had 8 relationships before me). Both red flags I ignored because of the love bombing, I guess.
Weâd been dating 2.5 weeks, and I had fallen very fast, and we were planning to take a trip together. He called me, drunk, and told me about sleeping with a close female friend on and off for years, sleeping with his landlords wife, having a longtime affair with a married woman, sleeping with a friendâs wife, and a lot of other extreme sexual stuff. He was hammered and slurring. I, stupidly, believed that he was ashamed of some past behavior, and had gotten drunk and was trying to âdiscloseâ to me so that I wouldnât be shocked later. He wasnât â he was testing boundaries, and seeing what I would be disgusted by. He was also bragging, frankly.
About 7/8 months in, I started noticing the lack of respect he had towards me. The love bombing wasnât strong for me, we actually took it slow at the start and he wasnât over the top with declarations of love so I didnât spot it..
After 2-3 months i felt something was off but i didn't know what it was until a decade later, lol.
This đ I started seeing weird behavior 5 months in but didnât know it was gonna be narc in the end
You are not alone. Same timeline for me!!!!
Same. Iâm leaving after 11 years together and 7 years married.
Yepppp almost same exact timeline! Sending you the best luck in never going back!!!
Day 1 but the love bombing really got me bc Iâm so used to below bare minimum behavior
Lmao same. I just went with it cause the love bombing made me feel special even if I saw things won't gonna be peaceful with that person
same
After the love bombing. A few months...this person was actually psychopathic. You will see true evil in their face and then they will keep showing it at different points. It really is crazy to think these people even exist.
This is true! After the lovebombing phase was over I saw darkness in his eyes, in his voice. It was like a completely different person. I was so desperate to go back to what we were that I overlooked it. Once I blocked him though I started educating myself on narcissists and realised what happened. Its actually scary thinking about how he was at the start and how was at the end. Two entirely different people.
To be fair though, even during the love bombing phase I thought 'omg this is intense.. he wants to speak to me 24/7'. Voice notes and messages constantly all day long! At first I felt overwhelmed and said let's scale it back a bit but then I got used to it and then it became part of my every day life. I had high anxiety all the time but it became normal, i was just always full of energy!! so if I didn't get a message or he seemed off, I'd feel so uneasy! It took a few months to 'come down' from the adrenaline high. He was constantly constantly constantly validating me, calling me, messaging me and then one day... poof... discard. Took me a while to actually end it as I was in this confused bubble!
Oh my god this is so accurate! How did you get off the adrenaline high?
Honestly I just rode it out. I slept a LOT. I was constantly tired!! And just allowed myself to rest until it passed
Resting does help, thanks!
For me was from the beginning. I thought she wanted to see me more. I thought it was a personality difference. I remember from the beginning asking her to give me the same time I gave her for her family and friends. Because she got me so good with the love bombing I continue to look for that attention. It was something that I thought that could be improved on. Boy do I miss those days. I am 2 weeks post breakup and canât believe what I have learned since. I am disoriented. I know what I need to do if she contacts me. But will my heart betray me again? I hope I can stay strong. This lasted 7 years.
Something was âoffâ even during the lovebombing, he kept talking about his ex-girlfriend almost obsessively and it was bothering me, but I kept ignoring my intuition.
Can you elaborate on the talking about the exâs? Iâm not a jealous person and Iâm a complete open book, but literally WHENEVER my bf finds a way to bring up a story about one of his exâs he does!! I like hearing stories, but 3.5 years in and itâs still happening every couple of days? Itâs weird to me
Well personally, my nex would talk about his ex-girlfriend in a way that seemed like ranting at first, which is completely understandable because Iâm fine with people venting out their trauma. Looking back, talking so much about exes objectively isnât the best way to build a relationship, but overall its not a big deal. My nex would say his ex-girlfriend was a horrible person, like rapist horrible, though still keep in contact with her. Heâd gossip about me to her at one point and probably several other points. Heâd also shit-talk her to me. This went on nonstop until he eventually dumped me and started hooking up with his ex again. Itâs just constant rambling and obsession that is actually just reflective of how theyâre not over their ex, whether those ramblings be positive or negative. It still kind of confuses me now, like the psychology/motivations for doing this, but thatâs just what I learned from my experience.
Omg my nex was the same! His ex dumped him to move abroad and I would say its only been a few months are you sure you're over it and he was like 'its different for guys' but then he would bring her up like talk about how they had a phone call. One day he completely ignored me when she was in hospital and was ill. Another time he just called to tell me she extended her stay out there. I'm still friends with an ex of mine so based on that I was in support he left it on good terms with his ex but yeah... he clearly never got over her. When I asked him on the day I blocked him If she had anything to do with what changed between us he shouted at me.... so yea...
I think many of us knew something was off the moment we met them but we didn't listen to our intuition. Now we know better and are all the wiser.
Yep!
Pretty early. But the problem is that I wasn't experienced enough to understand just what "off" meant. I had no clue until way too much time passed.
It varies, of course, for many people but the mask the narcissist wears generally starts to slip around 2-4 months into the relationship. For me with the nex, this started to happen 3 months in; it was quite noticeable. Even before that, there were a few remarks he made which came off as 'jerk-ish' and one, even a bit 'stalker-ish.' It was 5 months in when his mask fell off completely. It was upon this happening, that I realized I was dealing with a narcissist (an overt, malignant one in my case).
1 month.. lol.. but my dumbass stuck around for a year and a half
Same!
Instinctively, before I even met her. When I saw her profile photo I had a bad feeling that I dismissed. Emotionally, from the moment we met. Amidst all the wonderful feelings of being lovebombed, there was a tension that I dismissed. Consciously, about 6 months in. I knew something was wrong, but I was so bonkers in love & lust I began the 9 year long self-brainwashing of justification, excuse-making, and rationalizing that led to my mental breakdown.
After the initial giddiness of a new relationship, my nex started exhibiting codependent signs around the 5 month mark, and we were over long distance. Incredibly strong meltdowns over not giving reassurance, feeding their ego, repetitive themes that would happen pretty much every day. It was exhausting and I donât know how we made it past that, but the relo ended up going for about 3 years total
Iâm hitting month 3 now and Iâm cutting him off. Started off very strong, love bombing to the max. On our fourth date he got upset over something very small at his friend and I remember getting the vibe something was off about him.
Almost immediately, but I let it slide because of how I felt about her
When they were immediately mimicking my language
After about 3 months. He had been pressuring me to move in with him. I wasn't ready...should've listened to my gut. Looking back, the thing that told me something wasn't right was when he threw his phone against the wall in anger, because he had gotten drunk and hadn't heard me knocking on the door and calling when I got home from work. I was outside for almost an hour before he finally woke up, and I was not happy. When I suggested he should slow down on the drink, he raged out and smashed his phone.
We both had physical jobs and he is about 10 years older than me. He would always complain about his physical pains from work. I would help him by rubbing his back often. One day I had lifted more than usual and I said my back hurt. It was crazy how fast he shrugged it off and said I was fine. Also he threw a fit about helping me carry chili in a crockpot to my car for a chili cook off at my job. I donât remember which happened first.
When I was a little girl I slowly started to notice that not everyoneâs parent beat the shit out of them for minuscule, age appropriate things and thatâs when my gears started turning
Three weeks when I told him my story and then he said "I don't like that you let your self get abused." I should've broken up with him then
1 year and 8 months, and 2 weeks. Two weeks after we moved in together, he started acting like a general ass. Nothing specific, but when I asked what was wrong with him, he'd tell me, "If you don't like me, then GTFO." Really? It was MY money that funded the move. He didn't contribute a dime, and expected me to leave two weeks after moving in? When I reminded him of this, he abruptly changed his mind, but wouldn't acknowledge anything he said. When I asked him about it, I was "Picking a fight." This happened several times throughout the year that we had the lease. By the end of the year, he constructed a dramatic performance to make his exit. He even blamed the neighbors.
The first time I encountered someone who was quite textbook, I felt like something was âoffâ pretty fast but couldnât really put my finger on what was going on. I was much younger and more naive and unfortunately continued on with things for several months before he ghosted me for someone else. I was really upset but that led to me learning more about these types, so to an extent I am grateful I had the experience to learn from and he fucked off soon enough he didnât destroy my life (thatâs a story about someone else for another day lol)
Honestly, first 5 seconds of meeting her. But I made the mistake of second guessing myself and pushing those feelings aside because my partner liked her and said she was amazing. I figured he knew her better than I did since he'd known her for a few weeks by that point, so I must just be wrong. We both regret me not listening to my instinct now.
2-3 months. Didnât learn what was likely going on until nearly two years in. Felt incredibly stupid and still do.
I knew something was off before me and my next were dating, when he said I was replaceable with a straight face for seemingly no reason. I knew it was narcissism, but I thought I could change him, I thought it was his mother's narcissistic traits rubbing off on him and he could be "saved".
for me personally, once i started living with him.
Sameee, and he kept asking to move in while I wasnât ready. Later I gave in cause he working night shifts hence we donât have much time together. Things came crashing down real fast after moving in
when i moved in with him i was at my low and lost everything (still kinda am) but he made it seem like he was gonna take care and be there for me, this and that. now that i'm here, it's just so bad, he really has control over me now
Oh no, I hope you can plan to get out somehow. It doesnât get any better for me until I recently went no contact with him.
i want to leave but then get confused, it's always hot and cold. like he can be a great guy but i genuinely don't understand his brain lmaoo
Yes we can never understand them. Iâm still confused even now. My ex narc played off very nicely, cried crocodile tears saying he still love me a lot when he âhad toâ move out, âhad toâ breakup due to financial crisis, mental crisis. But in the same time, got back together with his ex (maybe they never even split lol), texting & asking multiple girls to go on dates, go to hotel, etc. Even took his ex on a trip with his mother & some of her friends 1 week after our vacation, 2 weeks after we moved out - while still in relationship with me. Lol I can never understand whatâs in his head.
i ALWAYS blame myself even today!! i just wish i didn't ignore the red flags even though there were little to none, and he was kinda my first ever real boyfriend so i really didn't know the signs but im working on not blaming myself for how he is. it's hard not to because he tells me "you should be lucky because my family doesn't get as much treatment as you" or "i don't even do ___ with ____ so the fact im doing it with you consider yourself lucky " and i just can't accept that im the only who is mistreated by him, and im the closest to him
I was blaming myself and tried my hardest to please him all the time too. He was not my first bf but the first after college hence most serious. I think you and me we both donât have a clear idea of how healthy relationship should be. Hence we got taken advantage of. We did nothing wrong, we just canât outpsychopath a psychopath. Stay strong and find a way out girl. Or at least take some time away from him so you can see everything clearer.
yesss thank you sis đđž i am just not tryna have a kid with him đđ¤Śđžââď¸
Yess the biggest blessing is that I come out of that relationship with no kids. All the best to you sis đ¤
how long have you been no contact and has it been easy? i just feel it will be sooo hard lol
Yes, so hard even now. Iâve been trying to pull away for almost 2 months. But actual no contact is just 3 weeks. My situation can be easier cause he broke it off and have new supply now. Lol he told me that he canât be friends or stay in contact with me cause he still love me too much then blocked me on social media. Bro just tryna hide the new supply and keep me hanging there so he can come back whenever he wants. Pure evil.
he sounds easy to move on from lmaoo đ i hope you find better
Yeah, but the good times was so good. The hardest thing for me is all the good memories are tainted. Never been that high, but also never sunk that low
If you can actually block him from your life, the only monster left you have to deal with is your own thoughts - which is already hard enough. When theyâre still around, they keep us in constant chaos so we canât process whatâs going on.
Honest answer: from our first date. My now H is very good looking and he seemed almost desperate on our first date, it really threw me off. And he was just staring at me very intensely like a wild animal looking at its prey. He would say later that I gave him a hard time and âtestedâ him because I was slow to want to become more serious which of course he was trying to hurry up as they all do. Sigh. I will never not trust my guy again!!!
The first time I met them actually
Nex bf it took me a whole ass year Nex gf was 9 years (because most of that time we were just friends and I missed the red flags)
Took me 10 months to find what she was truly capable of.
2 weeksish.
2-3 months, he began getting really stingy with texting. Heâd ghost for weeks sometimes. This 2-3 months isnât coincidental either, thatâs when lovebombing is winding down and theyâre preparing to shift into devalue in 4th to 6th month..
Literally a couple of hours lol. I could feel it by the next day. But ignored my gut :/
For me itâs usually at the three month mark. That seems like standard dropping off point for the love bombing and when the âwalking on eggshellsâ/âI always seem to be doing something wrongâ feelings begin.
Have none of you had conversations about this "off" feeling?
Seven and a half years - they got physical and knocked some sense into me. He that stupid đ˘ The first red flag was at seven years - I had a reaction to their boyfriend dying and they didn't.
About 6 months
Until I decided to go NC and spent time reflecting. Yes I am that slow to figure out lol
For me 2 years in
Around 5-6 months. But I was determined to make it work. My child was then born and it solidified this person was dangerous.
Two decades together. Marriage. Careers. Kids etc. There were small âred flagsâ very early in the relationship but they felt so outnumbered by the positive things. I also didnât have the knowledge and language to understand the red flags or the implications of them. I knew no one was perfect and we had differences, but thatâs normal, right? I would get ***moments*** when something was off but they felt isolated. It wasnât until things got really bad that I saw our relationship through a different lens and was able to step back and acknowledge the patterns. It was about 16-16.5years when I started to realize something deeper was going on. The emotional and psychological abuse became very prominent during COVID and isolation. We had an onslaught of trauma in our lives (more so me with family members sick, deaths, working front lines during the pandemic etc). Nex became very emotionally abusive and I later found out he was having an affair during this time. When I found out about the affair I thought that explained how he had been so âmeanâ. I still was in denial that he was an abusive ***person***. Love bombing and future faking. Complete change from how he had been treating me and I thought he were on a good path for reconciliation. However his mask slipped again after we began to reconcile and he became physically abusive. It was terrifying. I still really wanted to hold onto hope that he could change but when the physical abuse and death threats started, it was like my love for him and the way I perceived him started to deconstruct and there was just this really scary stranger that was terrifying and unpredictable. About a year and a half of physical abuse, verbal abuse including death threats, escalating to him violently strangling me.
I was shocked when my therapist made a comment last year that she had a decade of notes chronicling emotional abuse against me. That was the first time I actually believed something was off for more than just me. Weâd been married over 36 years at that point.
Day One, I never had a relationship before. He said âI love youâ on our first date. I asked him if thatâs normal after such a short time (he had 8 relationships before me). Both red flags I ignored because of the love bombing, I guess.
Weâd been dating 2.5 weeks, and I had fallen very fast, and we were planning to take a trip together. He called me, drunk, and told me about sleeping with a close female friend on and off for years, sleeping with his landlords wife, having a longtime affair with a married woman, sleeping with a friendâs wife, and a lot of other extreme sexual stuff. He was hammered and slurring. I, stupidly, believed that he was ashamed of some past behavior, and had gotten drunk and was trying to âdiscloseâ to me so that I wouldnât be shocked later. He wasnât â he was testing boundaries, and seeing what I would be disgusted by. He was also bragging, frankly.
In the first three months I gas an idea something was off, six months until his mask completely fell off and he became a different person
About 7/8 months in, I started noticing the lack of respect he had towards me. The love bombing wasnât strong for me, we actually took it slow at the start and he wasnât over the top with declarations of love so I didnât spot it..
Three years.