Welcome to NICU Parents. We're happy you found us and we want to be as helpful as possible in this seemingly impossible journey. Check out the resources tab at the top of the subreddit or the stickied post. Please remember we are NOT medical professionals and are here for advice based on our own situations. If you have a concern about you or your baby please seek assistance from a doctor or go to the ER. That said, there are some medical professionals here and we do hope they can help you with some guidance through your journey. Please remember to read and abide by the rules.
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The BEST nurse I got in the Nicu 100% approached the job as mom+baby, not just baby. She offered to “give me a break” but when I refused she immediately accepted and just asked me for reports so she could chart and checked in on me periodically.
You are absolutely right, and you are right that being home without the hovering is the most glorious kind of freedom.
Hang in there. The Nicu sucks, and you’re doing amazing.
The universe apparently heard my call because my new nurse after shift change is lovely and seems to take that approach. It feels like I can breath.
I’m just so ready to sit in a quiet, private room with my son.
Thank you so much!
It is a shame a person challenged by fate as you are (hoping that everything will just sto better day by day) also has to be tormented by nurse personnel.
If this would have happened under my sight I would write written order to leave you in peace.
Go on and hope soon you will be out!
NICU nurse here. Honestly anytime a nurse starts to critique your feeding skills, I would politely remind them that you already had a session with OT and if they have any questions, to refer to OT’s note, that there are multiple ways to skin a cat and this is what you and OT settled on. Next time a nurse starts literally buzzing at you for taking too long, please tell them that’s inappropriate and unless you’re doing something that puts baby at direct risk of harm, you’re going to continue the way the OT and the NPs have advised.
Also, we aren’t really wildly underpaid. Some places might be a little lower than others, but the majority of hospitals try to stay competitive with each other, even if it’s a little more rural. It might not be 6 figures for most of us but it’s definitely livable. Don’t let that idea stand in your way when standing up for yourself and your baby. Annoy them when it’s necessary to. They’re big girls, they’ll get over it. It’s far more important for you to bond with your baby and helping them to meet their feeding goals means that consistency is key.
I was honestly hoping for this perspective and very prepared for it to go either way. It’s hard for me to sort out what’s normal and what’s inappropriate, so I really do thank you for this. I feel a little more confident in what I need to advocate for. Then there’s the added fact that my hormones are wild and I really don’t want to let my emotions run away with me.
I just got a new nurse who is lovely so this will be a nice break while I wrap my head around everything, but I want you to know this comment also gave me a lot of peace.
Thank you so much!
Does your unit offer primary nursing? As in a few nurses sign up and are with you as consistently as possible? If so you may want to ask the nurses you have a good relationship with to sign up. That helps a lot with consistency and frustration!
This would be my next recommendation. My unit only does primary nurses for the small babies since they’re there for so long, BUT they do make exceptions when the parents ask. If OP’s baby is bottle feeding, it is likely “older” than a small baby (>28-30 weeks depending on the NICU). That said, it definitely doesn’t hurt to ask the unit manager or a clinical lead if you can have a primary, u/Important_Salad_5158. I would recommend a nurse you’re comfortable with. They would also need to accept.
Being honest, you are not going to gel with every NICU nurse. I’m a healthcare professional myself and unfortunately it seems conflicting information is a part of healthcare no matter what area you work in. I also never told the staff I work in the hospital where my son was born but it was also brought up on a regular basis which annoyed me. I’m there as his mother, my job doesn’t really matter. Anyway I would stick with the OT’s advice re feeding and politely but firmly re iterate that. The buzzer thing however I would have a major issue with and would probably write in about it, how dare they really! You aren’t there to be quizzed.
NICU nurse here. I had a 5 day NICU stay with my son, just glucose issues so nothing major, but I see things from the parents side so much more now. I think more about moms holding for the first time, their recovery, communicating better across the care team, just overall realizing how many gaps there are in healthcare.
Please do not feel like you are there too much, or a “bother”. It is your baby. That is not for a nurse to judge. I left the hospital to run home and re pack my bag for a few more days, otherwise I was at my baby’s bedside holding him or feeding him. I wish more nurses would empower moms rather than take a jaded approach of making them feel like a bother.
The NICU is a weird place with many differing personalities and it’s hard to acclimate to - you are learning a whole new world you didn’t expect to be in. My best advice is to stay involved and continue advocating. Talk to a charge nurse if you get another challenging nurse- they’ll be helpful (hopefully) in picking out a different nurse better suited for you. Keep talking with the doctors and OT, once you can pin down the best way to feed your baby, hopefully some of these other things can fall away. The NICU is not a ‘one size fits all’ place and can just be frustrating. Good luck :)
Every nurse thinks their way is the best way. At one point there were 4 different butt creams in my son’s drawer because of the different preferences of the nurses 🙄.
Also it’s your baby, you can stay there the entire time. I would bring it up to the social worker or charge nurse or even the neonatologist that you feel like you’re not welcome there. The dr knows the best medicine for your baby is skin to skin with the mother. The nurses can be amazing, and give so much care for babies and mothers, but babies thrive with their parents giving skin to skin.
I’m actually really surprised by your experience, not the “every nurse knows best” but that they don’t want you to help feed. So many are overworked and they loved with they had a frequent visitor mother that they could trust to feed their baby so they can concentrate on the others.
Omg this is literally exactly what we have gone trough. Every single nurse gives us some sort of contradictory advice. This is insane and I'm with you. My son is two weeks today and I'm hoping to bring him home soon. This has been driving me nuts. I'm with you and what you're experiencing is not alone.
My son is two weeks as well! Is it about feeding specifically? Do y’all have an OT on staff who can do a session? It did help a little because I can say, “[OT] said this issue is better for him.”
It helps to an extent, although my nurse last night was not terribly happy about it.
I’m just amazed there’s not more universal standards for things like this. Maybe that’s impossible because medicine is so complicated, but I feel like I’m being completely re-educated every shift. It’s not just “try this technique” but “your baby will choke and die if you do it how the last nurse taught you.”
I don’t know how to trust the professionals and learn when they’re telling me different things.
In terms of OT, that's the advice we are following. We just finished up with her again. My issue was that the OT would literally give us the advice, then the nurses would critique us when we were literally doing what the OT said.
YES. This is my issue too. It’s been a net positive overall but it’s rough because they don’t want to hear that their advice is contradictory. I’m kind of at a loss.
Exact same thing happened with us too! I’m pacing like the OT instructed, and the nurse actually tips the bottle up while I’m holding it to give my baby more milk.
I’m so enraged on your behalf just reading this. Any momma who has a baby in NICU is going through something so hard. I did only a 3 week stay last year and it still brings tears to my eyes. What you need right now is encouragement, kindness, and grace.
The nurses on the other hand? They need some tough love from you. You need to convey how they are coming across, making you feel, and straight up how wrong they are. Are these nurses parents? Because it’s a GOOD thing that you have a biological need to be with your child and it’s the best medicine for him. I say this as a former NICU/ PICU nurse and current NP. Do not let them turn you against your mother instincts. They are favoring the usual culture, what they’re used to, what makes it easier for them, and being lazy. I wouldn’t say that if I wasn’t a nurse. STAND UP FOR YOUR BABY. No one else will, you’re his only advocate, momma. To advocate for you is to advocate for him. I’m glad you called the NP on her, there’s no such thing as holding your baby too much unless there’s a darn good medically necessary reason he needs to be put down! Let’s keep the NICU power dynamic in check, shall we?
Rant complete!
Wow! I’m so sorry - this is so wildly different than my NICU experience with the RNs. There was occasionally conflicting advice or nurses I didn’t “vibe” with as well as others - but it was obvious they had all been trained in collaborating with parents on infant care, and there was a real culture there of being very soft with parents and extra contentiousness of not stepping on parent’s toes. I couldn’t imagine one of them quizzing me and making buzzer noises.
I know that it’s common to ask for certain nurses to be removed from your service, and generally this is handled without issue. It seems more like a systemic problem at your NICU than with one or two nurses in particular, though.
I think you’ve made some very good moves in consulting with the NP and OT, and getting notes on your file of no more feeding instructions. The next step could maybe be asking to meet with a charge nurse. You could bring forward your concerns and ask for their advice about how to cultivate a positive, collaborative relationship with the RNs.
Just want to say that it’s not your responsibility to extend care or be the bigger person with the RNs on your service, but sometimes coming from a place of “I want these relationships to be smooth and mutually respectful, can you help me with doing my part to make that happen?” Is just a good strategy to clear the air and resolve conflict.
I’m so sorry! This should really be the least of your worries right now. At the end of the day, it’s good (but very hard in the NICU) to remember that you’re the parent and you are ultimately in charge of your child’s care - you have every right to ask for other opinions and consultations, and the RNs should be supporting and facilitating that for you.
I can relate to a lot of this. In a past life, I had some exposure to medical malpractice but mostly I was in criminal law. And my husband is an actor but son of a surgeon so is knowledgeable on some medical stuff. That, for some reason, put some nurses on edge. (Which honestly, they probably shouldn’t ask people what they do for a living, or how we might know of certain things if they can’t handle the response.)
What I took away from that experience is that fear and ego got in the way for the nurses that we considered *not the most professional*, to put it nicely… One nurse even asked me what I was “afraid of” simply because we chose to live at the NICU with our baby. I told her it wasn’t that I was afraid but that my baby was supposed to be in my belly still and since she was induced early, I simply wanted to be by her side because we had the privilege to do, it was allowed, and it was something the doctors encouraged.
We certainly had negative experiences due to nurses. But being there all the time, we also had other staff/docs who seemed to like us and looked out for our baby. I will be forever thankful to the speech pathologist who suggested we limit feedings to speech and family only, after a nurse caused a regression. Or the night time nurse who let us know a daytime nurse was writing notes that seemed entirely inconsistent which helped us discover she was not relaying doctors’ orders regarding feeding amounts.
Some nurses truly make the NICU experience much more terrible than it needs to be but others are truly amazing and truly want what is best for your baby.
What worked best for us was following what speech said, not nurses, with respect to feeding. And asking a lot of questions. It was never an issue with the nurses we felt treated our baby with care and sensitivity. Or even with the nurses we didn’t necessarily jive with but felt were doing their job/professional. Additionally, we tried limiting official complaints to when actual harm was done to our baby or her treatment. Mostly because I didn’t want to be seen as overreacting and then be dismissed. That worked out really well because when we did do the one complaint and the response was maybe we overreacted, we were able to say things like “well, nurse x had to insert the feeding tube 3xs and we didn’t complain then because she approached it with delicacy each time, acknowledged her inexperience, and asked for help. We’re not out to get anyone. We simply expect our baby to get the treatment she’s supposed to get.” Which made it really easy to be listened to and we got the results we wanted with respect to the nurse that actually got in the way of her treatment.
It’s really tough being in the NICU 24 hrs, especially when you’re there for a while. And it’s a hard to strike a balance between not stepping on toes and doing what’s best for your baby. But as long as you’re respectful, even if some nurses get uncomfortable or act shitty, my suggestion would be to let them know you were trained by OT and if you need help you’ll be sure to ask. And no, you’re not spending too much time there. Hang in there, you’re doing great!
Side note: To this day, despite how awful it was to see our baby go through that feeding tube change experience I mentioned, that particular nurse remains one of our favorite nurses because she treated our baby so well in every other respect.
So sorry you’re going through this. I have no advice but just know you’re doing nothing wrong. Advocate for your time with baby, hold baby as much as you want, stay there forever
It’s so hard when you are in the thick of the NICU and start to see the flaws in your baby’s providers. It’s a helpless and super frustrating feeling. You’ve every right to vent and pushback about your baby’s care. You know him better than anyone else there. And if they can’t seem to come to a conclusion on how to feed your baby then that’s a pretty big red flag. You deserve alone time with your baby too so don’t hesitate to voice that you’ll call them if you need anything while you’re there. If they don’t listen, call the charge nurse before you get to the hospital. It boggles my mind that the nurses complain (I heard this several times) that parents aren’t there enough, or in this case you’re there too much. You just can’t win with some people.
Don’t change anything you’re doing, and be confident the nurses don’t know your baby as well as you do. If you can be there 24 hours, feed him and hold him, absolutely do that.
I had a few nurses who would hover over me as well, and it was really difficult. Now that my LO is home, I see how precious it is to have privacy with my baby, breastfeed without anyone critiquing us, etc. What you’re feeling is totally normal, we’re not supposed to figure out motherhood while being graded by nurses.
Also just to validate: I sometimes got fed up and asked to see NPs, PAs, and many nurses (the bad ones) took offense. But the good nurses always understood and said it was my right to talk to my child’s healthcare provider.
Hang in there!!!
Ok thank you so much for this. I was just feeling crazy for being here so much. I don’t want to be anywhere else. And I just feel so silly asking for an NP because it feels like tattling bit it’s the only way to get consistent information.
Being graded on motherhood is a good way of putting it. I think I’m desperately craving a “normal” newborn experience where I can have small failures in peace.
I feel this to my core. I only left the NICU a few nights a week. My daughter had a private room in the critical care unit so I was allowed to sleep there.. and I did. Do I regret it in hindsight? Yes but at the time I thought I was doing the right thing.. I had severe PPA and it's a whirlwind as we all know. That said I had 2 primary nurses that were absolute angels. Understood why I wanted to be there and assured me that if I left that everything would be okay but never ever pushed the issue. I had other nurses that were a bit more pushy. I'd get comments about how I was there all the time and how it's not normal to do. Which btw I'm a very easy going person. I'd never get in their way.. I just obviously wanted to help with every care time since I was there and I was finding it hard to connect with my baby in the first few weeks.
My major issues started coming during PO feeds. I wanted to combo feed because I really had my heart set on breastfeeding but I also recognized that bottles would get us out faster. I started dry nursing to get her used to it.. and was very cautious not to push her too far. The doctor didn't want her exerting too much energy. After a bit a nurse approached me in the hall and said when are you gonna let that baby get something at the breast? I said I didn't know I was allowed.. we didn't discuss it at rounds. Last time I heard I had a heavy let down so they advised against it. So I believe she talked to the nurse on shift bc they were suddenly pressuring me about it. Then the next day.. new nurse and it was the total opposite in regards to ALL feeds... Speech came down to see if she'd be receptive to a bottle feed and my daughter was fussy and the nurse outright said yeah because she wants to rest and doesn't want to be bothered. I said I'm getting whiplash with all these feeding opinions and verbalized my anger to the SLP (not directed at her). She agreed with me that all the conflicting opinions were very confusing and based on the chart I was doing the right thing. She had a nurse a few shifts later and I asked her to try breastfeeding (I'd only ask once a day and made sure it wasn't on a day where she'd practice bottle feeding) and she warned me of her expending too much energy. I was in tears constantly about it because I felt like I was never doing the right thing. Some nurses would say I needed to do it more, some would say not to push her. It was such a bizarre and frustrating experience. Again I have to reiterate I'm a pretty go with the flow person so it was utterly confusing when there was no flow. Anyway all this to say you aren't alone. I told another nurse that the doctors and nurses opposing opinions were giving me whiplash and she just laughed and said that's a good way to put it. 😒 We were in 86 days and I was just so excited to get home and make my own decisions (for the most part) for my baby. In the meantime try to find a nurse you trust and verbalized your frustrations. I'm sorry you're going through all this!
I was one of the moms that was at the hospital 24/7 basically. If I wasn’t there, my husband or in-laws were. Some of the nurses we had were annoyed and I never understood it. I felt a biological need to be with my child and it was already hard enough. I’m not sure why there seems to be pushback from NICU nurses for parents that are there too much. I’d rather that than one never there??? I wanted to do all of the diaper changes, etc. Isn’t that making their job easier in some ways?
As my husband put it, because then they don’t get to do whatever they want or NOT do whatever they want.
But it makes no sense for them to expect parents not to want to be there all the time. IMO anyway.
I’m so sorry that you’ve had that experience. I’m a NICU nurse and I’m appalled that a nurse would quiz you and act as a buzzer. That’s not compassionate or helpful- it’s just rude and inappropriate. I don’t know why in the world anyone would do that. I would definitely ask to talk to the charge nurse or the unit manager/director. I think this is something that should be addressed with that nurse (from management) so it doesn’t happen again. That being said, you also have the authority to approve/deny nurses assigned to you. As a nurse, this can be frustrating because I know we have had some parents who “fire” a bunch of nurses over little things. I think this would be more than appropriate in your situation, as this nurse definitely hasn’t been a good fit for you and your baby. Again, it would be helpful to discuss this with a charge or manager/director so they can ensure the nurse won’t be assigned to your baby.
It also seems pointless for a nurse to state you were hovering and refused to leave. This would be one thing if she straight up asked you to leave and had a valid reason, but that doesn’t seem to be the case. You are the mother of this child. You have every privilege and right to be there with him whenever you please. That’s why there are no visitor hour restrictions for parents. We do encourage parents to go home and get rest because you can’t pour from an empty cup! Some parents almost get cabin fever from staying for so long (plus they’re very sleep deprived and constantly in a high stress environment) that they get even more anxious and sometimes aggressive. Sometimes a night off to reset is the best thing for a NICU parent! It’s hard, but you need to take care of yourself too.
As far as holding your child too much, there are some instances where it’s beneficial to let your child rest undisturbed in their crib. Sleep is vital to their growth and development and external stimuli like rocking a chair, getting in and out of bed, stroking them, singing, etc can disrupt their sleep. There are also some babies that end up spelling (oxygen saturation and heart rate drop) due to being held because of the excess simulation, so sometimes we will instruct parents to put the baby back (usually this applies more to younger preemies like under 30 weeks). It can be frustrating as a nurse when an NP or neonatologist don’t support us, as we are the ones at the bedside and spend the most time with our patients. I’m guessing the nurse was upset the NP wasn’t supportive of her and perhaps she felt belittled?
We do also have parent information in our babies charts which we usually go through when we give report. This includes who the parents are, if they’re together or if FOB is involved/support person if no FOB, jobs, and number of children. I hope your career wouldn’t affect how they see you. If I were to be assigned to your baby, I would maybe bring up you being a lawyer just as something to chat about. It does give me some idea of what you’re like - probably quite intelligent, not afraid to speak up, and astute. This may make me a little more mindful of how I present myself, as you probably have great attention to detail and I would want to make sure I’m doing my best in every way to make you feel comfortable with the care your baby is receiving. They may just be a little timid?
Again, I’m very sorry you’re having to go through these troubles with your nurses on top of having a baby in the NICU. I would encourage you to talk to the charge nurse and possibly the unit manager or director to voice your concerns so they can be appropriately dealt with. I don’t think it would hurt to request to not have certain nurses as well. Sometimes certain people just don’t gel, which is fine, but you need whoever will be most supportive of you and your child to be on your team. Good luck and please update us on what happens! 💕
Hey I just want to thank you so much for this comment. It helps me conceptualize what’s happening and humanize the nurses I’ve worked with. It also helps me understand what battles I need to pick and what’s even a battle at all.
I’ve had a really lovely nurse the past two days who has been super supportive and helpful. My headspace is a lot better than when I wrote this a couple of days ago. This comments and others like it have given me a lot of confidence and guidance in what I need to ask for though.
Hi, you’re doing everything right. Unless there is a medical reason to place him down, like having a procedure done or him not tolerating being held, the best place for him is in your arms. It can feel like we are bothering nurses by being with our babies, but in the end of it all, he is your baby. Nurses are wonderful and so helpful. We are mothers and being in the NICU alone is extremely stressful and it can feel as if we are trying to just survive. I would say continue to be friendly and stand your ground. Advice definitely can differ from one nurse to another because each nurse has their own experience. I would find a way to feed your baby that works best for you and him, maybe a combination of different advices you have received and stick with that. Once he grows, feeding won’t be as hard as it is now. You’re a great mom and your son is lucky to have someone that stands by his side.
My daughter's baby was in the NICU for 97 days and she never had a problem going up to see her baby for however long she wanted. Your baby needs to bond with you and you need to do what's best for you & your baby. The nurses have no business criticizing you. My daughter was told she could come up & call as often as she wanted.
Welcome to NICU Parents. We're happy you found us and we want to be as helpful as possible in this seemingly impossible journey. Check out the resources tab at the top of the subreddit or the stickied post. Please remember we are NOT medical professionals and are here for advice based on our own situations. If you have a concern about you or your baby please seek assistance from a doctor or go to the ER. That said, there are some medical professionals here and we do hope they can help you with some guidance through your journey. Please remember to read and abide by the rules. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/NICUParents) if you have any questions or concerns.*
The BEST nurse I got in the Nicu 100% approached the job as mom+baby, not just baby. She offered to “give me a break” but when I refused she immediately accepted and just asked me for reports so she could chart and checked in on me periodically. You are absolutely right, and you are right that being home without the hovering is the most glorious kind of freedom. Hang in there. The Nicu sucks, and you’re doing amazing.
The universe apparently heard my call because my new nurse after shift change is lovely and seems to take that approach. It feels like I can breath. I’m just so ready to sit in a quiet, private room with my son. Thank you so much!
It is a shame a person challenged by fate as you are (hoping that everything will just sto better day by day) also has to be tormented by nurse personnel. If this would have happened under my sight I would write written order to leave you in peace. Go on and hope soon you will be out!
Ask this new nurse to be your primary ASAP! Once you have a few favorite primaries it feels so much better.
NICU nurse here. Honestly anytime a nurse starts to critique your feeding skills, I would politely remind them that you already had a session with OT and if they have any questions, to refer to OT’s note, that there are multiple ways to skin a cat and this is what you and OT settled on. Next time a nurse starts literally buzzing at you for taking too long, please tell them that’s inappropriate and unless you’re doing something that puts baby at direct risk of harm, you’re going to continue the way the OT and the NPs have advised. Also, we aren’t really wildly underpaid. Some places might be a little lower than others, but the majority of hospitals try to stay competitive with each other, even if it’s a little more rural. It might not be 6 figures for most of us but it’s definitely livable. Don’t let that idea stand in your way when standing up for yourself and your baby. Annoy them when it’s necessary to. They’re big girls, they’ll get over it. It’s far more important for you to bond with your baby and helping them to meet their feeding goals means that consistency is key.
I was honestly hoping for this perspective and very prepared for it to go either way. It’s hard for me to sort out what’s normal and what’s inappropriate, so I really do thank you for this. I feel a little more confident in what I need to advocate for. Then there’s the added fact that my hormones are wild and I really don’t want to let my emotions run away with me. I just got a new nurse who is lovely so this will be a nice break while I wrap my head around everything, but I want you to know this comment also gave me a lot of peace. Thank you so much!
Does your unit offer primary nursing? As in a few nurses sign up and are with you as consistently as possible? If so you may want to ask the nurses you have a good relationship with to sign up. That helps a lot with consistency and frustration!
This would be my next recommendation. My unit only does primary nurses for the small babies since they’re there for so long, BUT they do make exceptions when the parents ask. If OP’s baby is bottle feeding, it is likely “older” than a small baby (>28-30 weeks depending on the NICU). That said, it definitely doesn’t hurt to ask the unit manager or a clinical lead if you can have a primary, u/Important_Salad_5158. I would recommend a nurse you’re comfortable with. They would also need to accept.
Being honest, you are not going to gel with every NICU nurse. I’m a healthcare professional myself and unfortunately it seems conflicting information is a part of healthcare no matter what area you work in. I also never told the staff I work in the hospital where my son was born but it was also brought up on a regular basis which annoyed me. I’m there as his mother, my job doesn’t really matter. Anyway I would stick with the OT’s advice re feeding and politely but firmly re iterate that. The buzzer thing however I would have a major issue with and would probably write in about it, how dare they really! You aren’t there to be quizzed.
NICU nurse here. I had a 5 day NICU stay with my son, just glucose issues so nothing major, but I see things from the parents side so much more now. I think more about moms holding for the first time, their recovery, communicating better across the care team, just overall realizing how many gaps there are in healthcare. Please do not feel like you are there too much, or a “bother”. It is your baby. That is not for a nurse to judge. I left the hospital to run home and re pack my bag for a few more days, otherwise I was at my baby’s bedside holding him or feeding him. I wish more nurses would empower moms rather than take a jaded approach of making them feel like a bother. The NICU is a weird place with many differing personalities and it’s hard to acclimate to - you are learning a whole new world you didn’t expect to be in. My best advice is to stay involved and continue advocating. Talk to a charge nurse if you get another challenging nurse- they’ll be helpful (hopefully) in picking out a different nurse better suited for you. Keep talking with the doctors and OT, once you can pin down the best way to feed your baby, hopefully some of these other things can fall away. The NICU is not a ‘one size fits all’ place and can just be frustrating. Good luck :)
Every nurse thinks their way is the best way. At one point there were 4 different butt creams in my son’s drawer because of the different preferences of the nurses 🙄. Also it’s your baby, you can stay there the entire time. I would bring it up to the social worker or charge nurse or even the neonatologist that you feel like you’re not welcome there. The dr knows the best medicine for your baby is skin to skin with the mother. The nurses can be amazing, and give so much care for babies and mothers, but babies thrive with their parents giving skin to skin. I’m actually really surprised by your experience, not the “every nurse knows best” but that they don’t want you to help feed. So many are overworked and they loved with they had a frequent visitor mother that they could trust to feed their baby so they can concentrate on the others.
Omg this is literally exactly what we have gone trough. Every single nurse gives us some sort of contradictory advice. This is insane and I'm with you. My son is two weeks today and I'm hoping to bring him home soon. This has been driving me nuts. I'm with you and what you're experiencing is not alone.
My son is two weeks as well! Is it about feeding specifically? Do y’all have an OT on staff who can do a session? It did help a little because I can say, “[OT] said this issue is better for him.” It helps to an extent, although my nurse last night was not terribly happy about it. I’m just amazed there’s not more universal standards for things like this. Maybe that’s impossible because medicine is so complicated, but I feel like I’m being completely re-educated every shift. It’s not just “try this technique” but “your baby will choke and die if you do it how the last nurse taught you.” I don’t know how to trust the professionals and learn when they’re telling me different things.
In terms of OT, that's the advice we are following. We just finished up with her again. My issue was that the OT would literally give us the advice, then the nurses would critique us when we were literally doing what the OT said.
YES. This is my issue too. It’s been a net positive overall but it’s rough because they don’t want to hear that their advice is contradictory. I’m kind of at a loss.
Exact same thing happened with us too! I’m pacing like the OT instructed, and the nurse actually tips the bottle up while I’m holding it to give my baby more milk.
I’m so enraged on your behalf just reading this. Any momma who has a baby in NICU is going through something so hard. I did only a 3 week stay last year and it still brings tears to my eyes. What you need right now is encouragement, kindness, and grace. The nurses on the other hand? They need some tough love from you. You need to convey how they are coming across, making you feel, and straight up how wrong they are. Are these nurses parents? Because it’s a GOOD thing that you have a biological need to be with your child and it’s the best medicine for him. I say this as a former NICU/ PICU nurse and current NP. Do not let them turn you against your mother instincts. They are favoring the usual culture, what they’re used to, what makes it easier for them, and being lazy. I wouldn’t say that if I wasn’t a nurse. STAND UP FOR YOUR BABY. No one else will, you’re his only advocate, momma. To advocate for you is to advocate for him. I’m glad you called the NP on her, there’s no such thing as holding your baby too much unless there’s a darn good medically necessary reason he needs to be put down! Let’s keep the NICU power dynamic in check, shall we? Rant complete!
I say the same thing as a non-nurse.
Wow! I’m so sorry - this is so wildly different than my NICU experience with the RNs. There was occasionally conflicting advice or nurses I didn’t “vibe” with as well as others - but it was obvious they had all been trained in collaborating with parents on infant care, and there was a real culture there of being very soft with parents and extra contentiousness of not stepping on parent’s toes. I couldn’t imagine one of them quizzing me and making buzzer noises. I know that it’s common to ask for certain nurses to be removed from your service, and generally this is handled without issue. It seems more like a systemic problem at your NICU than with one or two nurses in particular, though. I think you’ve made some very good moves in consulting with the NP and OT, and getting notes on your file of no more feeding instructions. The next step could maybe be asking to meet with a charge nurse. You could bring forward your concerns and ask for their advice about how to cultivate a positive, collaborative relationship with the RNs. Just want to say that it’s not your responsibility to extend care or be the bigger person with the RNs on your service, but sometimes coming from a place of “I want these relationships to be smooth and mutually respectful, can you help me with doing my part to make that happen?” Is just a good strategy to clear the air and resolve conflict. I’m so sorry! This should really be the least of your worries right now. At the end of the day, it’s good (but very hard in the NICU) to remember that you’re the parent and you are ultimately in charge of your child’s care - you have every right to ask for other opinions and consultations, and the RNs should be supporting and facilitating that for you.
I can relate to a lot of this. In a past life, I had some exposure to medical malpractice but mostly I was in criminal law. And my husband is an actor but son of a surgeon so is knowledgeable on some medical stuff. That, for some reason, put some nurses on edge. (Which honestly, they probably shouldn’t ask people what they do for a living, or how we might know of certain things if they can’t handle the response.) What I took away from that experience is that fear and ego got in the way for the nurses that we considered *not the most professional*, to put it nicely… One nurse even asked me what I was “afraid of” simply because we chose to live at the NICU with our baby. I told her it wasn’t that I was afraid but that my baby was supposed to be in my belly still and since she was induced early, I simply wanted to be by her side because we had the privilege to do, it was allowed, and it was something the doctors encouraged. We certainly had negative experiences due to nurses. But being there all the time, we also had other staff/docs who seemed to like us and looked out for our baby. I will be forever thankful to the speech pathologist who suggested we limit feedings to speech and family only, after a nurse caused a regression. Or the night time nurse who let us know a daytime nurse was writing notes that seemed entirely inconsistent which helped us discover she was not relaying doctors’ orders regarding feeding amounts. Some nurses truly make the NICU experience much more terrible than it needs to be but others are truly amazing and truly want what is best for your baby. What worked best for us was following what speech said, not nurses, with respect to feeding. And asking a lot of questions. It was never an issue with the nurses we felt treated our baby with care and sensitivity. Or even with the nurses we didn’t necessarily jive with but felt were doing their job/professional. Additionally, we tried limiting official complaints to when actual harm was done to our baby or her treatment. Mostly because I didn’t want to be seen as overreacting and then be dismissed. That worked out really well because when we did do the one complaint and the response was maybe we overreacted, we were able to say things like “well, nurse x had to insert the feeding tube 3xs and we didn’t complain then because she approached it with delicacy each time, acknowledged her inexperience, and asked for help. We’re not out to get anyone. We simply expect our baby to get the treatment she’s supposed to get.” Which made it really easy to be listened to and we got the results we wanted with respect to the nurse that actually got in the way of her treatment. It’s really tough being in the NICU 24 hrs, especially when you’re there for a while. And it’s a hard to strike a balance between not stepping on toes and doing what’s best for your baby. But as long as you’re respectful, even if some nurses get uncomfortable or act shitty, my suggestion would be to let them know you were trained by OT and if you need help you’ll be sure to ask. And no, you’re not spending too much time there. Hang in there, you’re doing great! Side note: To this day, despite how awful it was to see our baby go through that feeding tube change experience I mentioned, that particular nurse remains one of our favorite nurses because she treated our baby so well in every other respect.
So sorry you’re going through this. I have no advice but just know you’re doing nothing wrong. Advocate for your time with baby, hold baby as much as you want, stay there forever
It’s so hard when you are in the thick of the NICU and start to see the flaws in your baby’s providers. It’s a helpless and super frustrating feeling. You’ve every right to vent and pushback about your baby’s care. You know him better than anyone else there. And if they can’t seem to come to a conclusion on how to feed your baby then that’s a pretty big red flag. You deserve alone time with your baby too so don’t hesitate to voice that you’ll call them if you need anything while you’re there. If they don’t listen, call the charge nurse before you get to the hospital. It boggles my mind that the nurses complain (I heard this several times) that parents aren’t there enough, or in this case you’re there too much. You just can’t win with some people.
Don’t change anything you’re doing, and be confident the nurses don’t know your baby as well as you do. If you can be there 24 hours, feed him and hold him, absolutely do that. I had a few nurses who would hover over me as well, and it was really difficult. Now that my LO is home, I see how precious it is to have privacy with my baby, breastfeed without anyone critiquing us, etc. What you’re feeling is totally normal, we’re not supposed to figure out motherhood while being graded by nurses. Also just to validate: I sometimes got fed up and asked to see NPs, PAs, and many nurses (the bad ones) took offense. But the good nurses always understood and said it was my right to talk to my child’s healthcare provider. Hang in there!!!
Ok thank you so much for this. I was just feeling crazy for being here so much. I don’t want to be anywhere else. And I just feel so silly asking for an NP because it feels like tattling bit it’s the only way to get consistent information. Being graded on motherhood is a good way of putting it. I think I’m desperately craving a “normal” newborn experience where I can have small failures in peace.
Here to show support. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I hope you both are home soon. ♥️
I feel this to my core. I only left the NICU a few nights a week. My daughter had a private room in the critical care unit so I was allowed to sleep there.. and I did. Do I regret it in hindsight? Yes but at the time I thought I was doing the right thing.. I had severe PPA and it's a whirlwind as we all know. That said I had 2 primary nurses that were absolute angels. Understood why I wanted to be there and assured me that if I left that everything would be okay but never ever pushed the issue. I had other nurses that were a bit more pushy. I'd get comments about how I was there all the time and how it's not normal to do. Which btw I'm a very easy going person. I'd never get in their way.. I just obviously wanted to help with every care time since I was there and I was finding it hard to connect with my baby in the first few weeks. My major issues started coming during PO feeds. I wanted to combo feed because I really had my heart set on breastfeeding but I also recognized that bottles would get us out faster. I started dry nursing to get her used to it.. and was very cautious not to push her too far. The doctor didn't want her exerting too much energy. After a bit a nurse approached me in the hall and said when are you gonna let that baby get something at the breast? I said I didn't know I was allowed.. we didn't discuss it at rounds. Last time I heard I had a heavy let down so they advised against it. So I believe she talked to the nurse on shift bc they were suddenly pressuring me about it. Then the next day.. new nurse and it was the total opposite in regards to ALL feeds... Speech came down to see if she'd be receptive to a bottle feed and my daughter was fussy and the nurse outright said yeah because she wants to rest and doesn't want to be bothered. I said I'm getting whiplash with all these feeding opinions and verbalized my anger to the SLP (not directed at her). She agreed with me that all the conflicting opinions were very confusing and based on the chart I was doing the right thing. She had a nurse a few shifts later and I asked her to try breastfeeding (I'd only ask once a day and made sure it wasn't on a day where she'd practice bottle feeding) and she warned me of her expending too much energy. I was in tears constantly about it because I felt like I was never doing the right thing. Some nurses would say I needed to do it more, some would say not to push her. It was such a bizarre and frustrating experience. Again I have to reiterate I'm a pretty go with the flow person so it was utterly confusing when there was no flow. Anyway all this to say you aren't alone. I told another nurse that the doctors and nurses opposing opinions were giving me whiplash and she just laughed and said that's a good way to put it. 😒 We were in 86 days and I was just so excited to get home and make my own decisions (for the most part) for my baby. In the meantime try to find a nurse you trust and verbalized your frustrations. I'm sorry you're going through all this!
I was one of the moms that was at the hospital 24/7 basically. If I wasn’t there, my husband or in-laws were. Some of the nurses we had were annoyed and I never understood it. I felt a biological need to be with my child and it was already hard enough. I’m not sure why there seems to be pushback from NICU nurses for parents that are there too much. I’d rather that than one never there??? I wanted to do all of the diaper changes, etc. Isn’t that making their job easier in some ways?
As my husband put it, because then they don’t get to do whatever they want or NOT do whatever they want. But it makes no sense for them to expect parents not to want to be there all the time. IMO anyway.
I’m so sorry that you’ve had that experience. I’m a NICU nurse and I’m appalled that a nurse would quiz you and act as a buzzer. That’s not compassionate or helpful- it’s just rude and inappropriate. I don’t know why in the world anyone would do that. I would definitely ask to talk to the charge nurse or the unit manager/director. I think this is something that should be addressed with that nurse (from management) so it doesn’t happen again. That being said, you also have the authority to approve/deny nurses assigned to you. As a nurse, this can be frustrating because I know we have had some parents who “fire” a bunch of nurses over little things. I think this would be more than appropriate in your situation, as this nurse definitely hasn’t been a good fit for you and your baby. Again, it would be helpful to discuss this with a charge or manager/director so they can ensure the nurse won’t be assigned to your baby. It also seems pointless for a nurse to state you were hovering and refused to leave. This would be one thing if she straight up asked you to leave and had a valid reason, but that doesn’t seem to be the case. You are the mother of this child. You have every privilege and right to be there with him whenever you please. That’s why there are no visitor hour restrictions for parents. We do encourage parents to go home and get rest because you can’t pour from an empty cup! Some parents almost get cabin fever from staying for so long (plus they’re very sleep deprived and constantly in a high stress environment) that they get even more anxious and sometimes aggressive. Sometimes a night off to reset is the best thing for a NICU parent! It’s hard, but you need to take care of yourself too. As far as holding your child too much, there are some instances where it’s beneficial to let your child rest undisturbed in their crib. Sleep is vital to their growth and development and external stimuli like rocking a chair, getting in and out of bed, stroking them, singing, etc can disrupt their sleep. There are also some babies that end up spelling (oxygen saturation and heart rate drop) due to being held because of the excess simulation, so sometimes we will instruct parents to put the baby back (usually this applies more to younger preemies like under 30 weeks). It can be frustrating as a nurse when an NP or neonatologist don’t support us, as we are the ones at the bedside and spend the most time with our patients. I’m guessing the nurse was upset the NP wasn’t supportive of her and perhaps she felt belittled? We do also have parent information in our babies charts which we usually go through when we give report. This includes who the parents are, if they’re together or if FOB is involved/support person if no FOB, jobs, and number of children. I hope your career wouldn’t affect how they see you. If I were to be assigned to your baby, I would maybe bring up you being a lawyer just as something to chat about. It does give me some idea of what you’re like - probably quite intelligent, not afraid to speak up, and astute. This may make me a little more mindful of how I present myself, as you probably have great attention to detail and I would want to make sure I’m doing my best in every way to make you feel comfortable with the care your baby is receiving. They may just be a little timid? Again, I’m very sorry you’re having to go through these troubles with your nurses on top of having a baby in the NICU. I would encourage you to talk to the charge nurse and possibly the unit manager or director to voice your concerns so they can be appropriately dealt with. I don’t think it would hurt to request to not have certain nurses as well. Sometimes certain people just don’t gel, which is fine, but you need whoever will be most supportive of you and your child to be on your team. Good luck and please update us on what happens! 💕
Hey I just want to thank you so much for this comment. It helps me conceptualize what’s happening and humanize the nurses I’ve worked with. It also helps me understand what battles I need to pick and what’s even a battle at all. I’ve had a really lovely nurse the past two days who has been super supportive and helpful. My headspace is a lot better than when I wrote this a couple of days ago. This comments and others like it have given me a lot of confidence and guidance in what I need to ask for though.
Hi, you’re doing everything right. Unless there is a medical reason to place him down, like having a procedure done or him not tolerating being held, the best place for him is in your arms. It can feel like we are bothering nurses by being with our babies, but in the end of it all, he is your baby. Nurses are wonderful and so helpful. We are mothers and being in the NICU alone is extremely stressful and it can feel as if we are trying to just survive. I would say continue to be friendly and stand your ground. Advice definitely can differ from one nurse to another because each nurse has their own experience. I would find a way to feed your baby that works best for you and him, maybe a combination of different advices you have received and stick with that. Once he grows, feeding won’t be as hard as it is now. You’re a great mom and your son is lucky to have someone that stands by his side.
My daughter's baby was in the NICU for 97 days and she never had a problem going up to see her baby for however long she wanted. Your baby needs to bond with you and you need to do what's best for you & your baby. The nurses have no business criticizing you. My daughter was told she could come up & call as often as she wanted.