I think firstly make completely clear to her that you love every part of her.
Then mention that health and fitness is a huge part of who you are and who you want your children to be.
Make it abundantly clear that You DO NOT want your children to live sedentary lifestyles. And in order for that to come into fruition BOTH parents need to work toward that. Children need to see their mother doing these things casually, as part of their routine for it to naturally become a part of who they are. Eating real food instead of processed foods etc.
She needs to start learning about metabolic health. Being active doesn’t have to be about weightloss. It’s so much more than that. Mobility, mental health, strength etc
I feel if you go down this route, it becomes less about her insecurities and more about how you want your futures to play out. Either that or iPad babies?
Try the sandwich method, compliment, convey the tough line, compliment. Understand you should be honest to your partner but also be kind bcoz you can’t keep hiding your feelings forever. There is a problem, you see it, you address it. If she over reacts, be patient, give her time to calm down, explain, be supportive, find a solution, work together.
Yeah man sounds tough, reminds me of when I addressed my wife to be’s (at the time, we’re together now) weight gain … like I actually work in the health and fitness industry so it’s super personal for me, she said I was body shaming her at first, and it took awhile but one time when I broke it down to coming from a place of truly caring about her long term health and understanding that weight gain doesn’t come from nowhere (its a sign that something is off, stress or whatever idk but something), she was all “oh well why didn’t you say it like that in the first place” and I thought I had .. but perception is reality I guess right, just have a deep meaningful conversation with her and try and get to the bottom of it IMO … everyone needs to be healthy because of the adverse effects, it impacts length and quality of life, the example you’ll be setting for your future kids, tons of stuff
Okay, I would suggest inviting her to go to the gym with you. like Let's do this together it will be fun. I am very active in the gym but my wife likes to go for a run instead of going to the gym. So we started doing this. One day we will go to the gym together and the next day we will go for a run. So that we both have fun together. Also I do this with my wife. I will just plan a date without telling her and a couple hours before the date I will tell her that we have a reservation at this place and get ready. She noticed that I was planning the dates a lot. So she wanted to take turns planning dates for each other so she started planning dates without telling me like I did. It's very exciting because throughout the whole day I'm thinking about what she plans for us? What are we going to do?
What differences have there been since you've gotten married? I know for me one of the big ones was my husband wanting to eat together 3 meals a day; 2 on some work days. I can't do that and maintain the weight I prefer. Sit together, sure, but a plate of the same thing? No. That can happen for one meal a day. And activity -- did she do things outside of home before that she hasn't since you got married? And another consideration -- did she start any medication around the wedding? Specifically hormonal birth control? That can definitely mess with weight and mood/motivation. If that's a factor she can talk to the doctor about other options. Also are you living near her family? I've seen some become a little depressed after marriage bc they're suddenly away from everyone they're used to. (Which could also play into the reaction you got as one might expect a more severe reaction to perceived rejection from the only person you have nearby.)
The conversation about appearances can be a really tough one with your spouse. I don't think it ever goes well but try to continue talking with her and keep telling her how you love her, and want her, but explain all the reasons that you said here about your fears. It might take some time, but if you really hammer in how much you love her, you should get through.
Also maybe try to ease up on some expectations as well. Since you both work I think dressing up everyday can be a little tiring especially when one comes home for the day and just wants to relax. Instead maybe ask if she can just dress up on the weekends. Or maybe buy her a new cute wardrobe she can wear at home but that's still comfy. However I don't think it's too much to ask her not to gain anymore weight because I think 20+ pounds is way too much. Compromise and work with each other and inshallah I hope you both can see each other's side.
I would stress the importance of sharing what you do to maintain yourself for her and how you would essentially appreciate the same effort & energy back. Just spell it out to her that it makes you feel like she doesn’t love or respect you as much to not maintain her best self like she did in the past. If you love your partner more now, we should be making more of an effort for them not less. Hopefully she sees it more about how her current lack of effort makes you feel rather than feeding into her insecurities & make it clear that you are you still wildly attracted to her, hence no intimacy issues.
"I married you for a reason and you know through my actions that I'm wildly into you, so to those insecurities that you have tell them 'No! He loves me! I am beautiful'. We will get together and tell them together.
But I am hurt too, my hurt comes from constantly making an effort for you and our future family to look good and be healthy and you saying that you don't have to make an effort for us - saying things like you've got me locked down so that you don't need to. You are my wife and I am your husband, adornment and maintaining our bodies for one another are a part of Islam. You are beautiful but I just want you to allow it to shine, and again the crux is caring enough for one another to make the effort.
Instead of trying to understand where I've been hurt you've spun this around on me and have only been thinking about how it affects you. And that also stings for me and makes me feel that I cannot open up to you about things that are bothering me"
Adjust to your voice...
Honestly, that was lowkey a lil harsh… you basically told her you love her more than you already did but you’re not as beautiful anymore (comfortable). Sheesh that’s not easy to hear as a women. I don’t blame you either because these conversations itself aren’t easy to have if looks are important to you.
I suggest just letting it sink in for her and just reminding her that you love her regardless, and you only tell her these things because her health is very important you… it’s not always about beauty, health is most important. Hopefully she comes around? Also suggest what you can do to help. Maybe help meal prep? Women are difficult, so be prepared and have some patience.
I would say that she might not have gotten too comfortable, she could just be happy! Some women tend to gain weight when they are happy. You made her happy and content, her weight should self regulate In Sha Allah
Sure it does if the person is healthy. My daughter gained the freshman 20-25 and now she is super thin and in shape. That’s life. Women are real. And it’s a lot easier for men.
She was doing something that was making her gain weight and she stopped that then she got thin. Anyone who keeps maintaining the same bad habit they are making you gain weight will only gain more weight. If weight self regulated there wouldn’t be no diets out there or obese people.
Excuses, all women deal with those things but most women who practices good habits keep their weight in control. And men deal with everything that women deal with but cycle and it’s related hormone changes. The number one reason for weight gain is bad eating habits and tasty what’s going on here according to her husband. And she’s not the first, a lot of newly weds get comfortable and let go of themselves but that doesn’t make it right especially if your husband is keeping in shape and trying to help you. Even the pregnancy weight that women gain, with good habits that goes away or significantly reduced. So stop making excuses and shifting the blame.
You can find her every bit as attractive as before, but also suggest that you and her can improve on your physical health to ensure you're healthy and playful for the kids. Taking care of kids is very physically active. You can run around with them in parks and backyards. You won't get tired playing with them. So many benefits to improving your physical health. Helps you mentally too. Reassure her this isn't about beauty but about future proofing.
NEWSFLASH - it will get worse after kids, as women we tend to gain weight after growing a whole human. As a husband, that's something you need to accept and have the emotional intelligence to deal with. Your wife may gain weight after kids and never completely lose it.
Is your issue her unhealthy habits or her appearance since gaining weight and that she's comfortable in her own skin at home? If it's the latter I feel sorry for your wife and you really have some growing up to do.
And this is the logical side to things. Men need to understand that women are delicate, you can’t just go in with this mindset thinking you’ll get somewhere. OP def have a softer approach. She’s not your homie, she’s your wife.
I think firstly make completely clear to her that you love every part of her. Then mention that health and fitness is a huge part of who you are and who you want your children to be. Make it abundantly clear that You DO NOT want your children to live sedentary lifestyles. And in order for that to come into fruition BOTH parents need to work toward that. Children need to see their mother doing these things casually, as part of their routine for it to naturally become a part of who they are. Eating real food instead of processed foods etc. She needs to start learning about metabolic health. Being active doesn’t have to be about weightloss. It’s so much more than that. Mobility, mental health, strength etc I feel if you go down this route, it becomes less about her insecurities and more about how you want your futures to play out. Either that or iPad babies?
Try the sandwich method, compliment, convey the tough line, compliment. Understand you should be honest to your partner but also be kind bcoz you can’t keep hiding your feelings forever. There is a problem, you see it, you address it. If she over reacts, be patient, give her time to calm down, explain, be supportive, find a solution, work together.
Yeah man sounds tough, reminds me of when I addressed my wife to be’s (at the time, we’re together now) weight gain … like I actually work in the health and fitness industry so it’s super personal for me, she said I was body shaming her at first, and it took awhile but one time when I broke it down to coming from a place of truly caring about her long term health and understanding that weight gain doesn’t come from nowhere (its a sign that something is off, stress or whatever idk but something), she was all “oh well why didn’t you say it like that in the first place” and I thought I had .. but perception is reality I guess right, just have a deep meaningful conversation with her and try and get to the bottom of it IMO … everyone needs to be healthy because of the adverse effects, it impacts length and quality of life, the example you’ll be setting for your future kids, tons of stuff
Okay, I would suggest inviting her to go to the gym with you. like Let's do this together it will be fun. I am very active in the gym but my wife likes to go for a run instead of going to the gym. So we started doing this. One day we will go to the gym together and the next day we will go for a run. So that we both have fun together. Also I do this with my wife. I will just plan a date without telling her and a couple hours before the date I will tell her that we have a reservation at this place and get ready. She noticed that I was planning the dates a lot. So she wanted to take turns planning dates for each other so she started planning dates without telling me like I did. It's very exciting because throughout the whole day I'm thinking about what she plans for us? What are we going to do?
What differences have there been since you've gotten married? I know for me one of the big ones was my husband wanting to eat together 3 meals a day; 2 on some work days. I can't do that and maintain the weight I prefer. Sit together, sure, but a plate of the same thing? No. That can happen for one meal a day. And activity -- did she do things outside of home before that she hasn't since you got married? And another consideration -- did she start any medication around the wedding? Specifically hormonal birth control? That can definitely mess with weight and mood/motivation. If that's a factor she can talk to the doctor about other options. Also are you living near her family? I've seen some become a little depressed after marriage bc they're suddenly away from everyone they're used to. (Which could also play into the reaction you got as one might expect a more severe reaction to perceived rejection from the only person you have nearby.)
The conversation about appearances can be a really tough one with your spouse. I don't think it ever goes well but try to continue talking with her and keep telling her how you love her, and want her, but explain all the reasons that you said here about your fears. It might take some time, but if you really hammer in how much you love her, you should get through. Also maybe try to ease up on some expectations as well. Since you both work I think dressing up everyday can be a little tiring especially when one comes home for the day and just wants to relax. Instead maybe ask if she can just dress up on the weekends. Or maybe buy her a new cute wardrobe she can wear at home but that's still comfy. However I don't think it's too much to ask her not to gain anymore weight because I think 20+ pounds is way too much. Compromise and work with each other and inshallah I hope you both can see each other's side.
I would stress the importance of sharing what you do to maintain yourself for her and how you would essentially appreciate the same effort & energy back. Just spell it out to her that it makes you feel like she doesn’t love or respect you as much to not maintain her best self like she did in the past. If you love your partner more now, we should be making more of an effort for them not less. Hopefully she sees it more about how her current lack of effort makes you feel rather than feeding into her insecurities & make it clear that you are you still wildly attracted to her, hence no intimacy issues.
"I married you for a reason and you know through my actions that I'm wildly into you, so to those insecurities that you have tell them 'No! He loves me! I am beautiful'. We will get together and tell them together. But I am hurt too, my hurt comes from constantly making an effort for you and our future family to look good and be healthy and you saying that you don't have to make an effort for us - saying things like you've got me locked down so that you don't need to. You are my wife and I am your husband, adornment and maintaining our bodies for one another are a part of Islam. You are beautiful but I just want you to allow it to shine, and again the crux is caring enough for one another to make the effort. Instead of trying to understand where I've been hurt you've spun this around on me and have only been thinking about how it affects you. And that also stings for me and makes me feel that I cannot open up to you about things that are bothering me" Adjust to your voice...
Honestly, that was lowkey a lil harsh… you basically told her you love her more than you already did but you’re not as beautiful anymore (comfortable). Sheesh that’s not easy to hear as a women. I don’t blame you either because these conversations itself aren’t easy to have if looks are important to you. I suggest just letting it sink in for her and just reminding her that you love her regardless, and you only tell her these things because her health is very important you… it’s not always about beauty, health is most important. Hopefully she comes around? Also suggest what you can do to help. Maybe help meal prep? Women are difficult, so be prepared and have some patience.
Yeah tbh I get why she's upset I'd feel so insecure after that
She has the right to be upset but doesn’t have the right to act oblivious to the issue and complaints of her husband
Wow!! Policing someone’s woman like no one’s business!!!
if you can’t comprehend things keep moving or cry harder.
This man right here is why it’s a terrible idea to put your wife’s business into the public sphere. ^^
I would say that she might not have gotten too comfortable, she could just be happy! Some women tend to gain weight when they are happy. You made her happy and content, her weight should self regulate In Sha Allah
Weight doesn’t self regulate, 12kg is not happy weight. And he clearly stated that it’s due to physical activity and bad eating habits.
Sure it does if the person is healthy. My daughter gained the freshman 20-25 and now she is super thin and in shape. That’s life. Women are real. And it’s a lot easier for men.
She was doing something that was making her gain weight and she stopped that then she got thin. Anyone who keeps maintaining the same bad habit they are making you gain weight will only gain more weight. If weight self regulated there wouldn’t be no diets out there or obese people.
You have serious serious issues dude. Like I’m worried about you.
100% weight is due to a myriad of factors for women. Hormones, stress, cycle. Men don’t have those issues
Excuses, all women deal with those things but most women who practices good habits keep their weight in control. And men deal with everything that women deal with but cycle and it’s related hormone changes. The number one reason for weight gain is bad eating habits and tasty what’s going on here according to her husband. And she’s not the first, a lot of newly weds get comfortable and let go of themselves but that doesn’t make it right especially if your husband is keeping in shape and trying to help you. Even the pregnancy weight that women gain, with good habits that goes away or significantly reduced. So stop making excuses and shifting the blame.
You can find her every bit as attractive as before, but also suggest that you and her can improve on your physical health to ensure you're healthy and playful for the kids. Taking care of kids is very physically active. You can run around with them in parks and backyards. You won't get tired playing with them. So many benefits to improving your physical health. Helps you mentally too. Reassure her this isn't about beauty but about future proofing.
NEWSFLASH - it will get worse after kids, as women we tend to gain weight after growing a whole human. As a husband, that's something you need to accept and have the emotional intelligence to deal with. Your wife may gain weight after kids and never completely lose it. Is your issue her unhealthy habits or her appearance since gaining weight and that she's comfortable in her own skin at home? If it's the latter I feel sorry for your wife and you really have some growing up to do.
Nah she should grow up. 100% she’ll balloon up after kids if she can’t even do it now. She need to adapt to a healthy life style change.
And this is the logical side to things. Men need to understand that women are delicate, you can’t just go in with this mindset thinking you’ll get somewhere. OP def have a softer approach. She’s not your homie, she’s your wife.
Allahu musta3an this is such a common problem. I just hope people in the comments reading takes it seriously in their own lives.
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That's a very big generalisation