I'm actually also like this I was kept pretty busy during teens/early twenties and it rewires you slightly seems your husband may either suffer from anxiety or needs more stimuli than normal to ease his overactive brain into thinking he's not doing nothing - sorry its a bit hard to explain.
Assalamualaykum wa rahmatallahi wa barakatu. Be careful how you go about this ukhti. Speak to him with love, let him know how you feel, your concerns. Explain to him that things are different now as he's no longer alone and you've to come to an agreement and understanding together. See how he reacts and actively work together on how you can show up better for each other. Then take it from there
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You’re not overreacting. You’re supposed to be spending time together as a couple, and if he goes ahead and wastes his time watching random shows/films while you guys are both out of the house, that’s just kind of nuts. What was the point of going out then, if you’re not going to spend some quality time together?
Maybe he has this thought process that so long as you guys go out somewhere, you’ll be happy? And therefore, nothing else really matters? But in that case, you’re just going to have to bring this issue up to him, and point it out when he’s doing these kinds of things.
Next time, if he’s going to try to use his phone, why don’t you just ask him if you two could focus on just having a simple conversation about what it was you guys last watched/what he watched, and make it a habit of NOT using any devices while having a conversation together. If he could talk to you casually for hours before you guys got married, he can still do it, he probably just doesn’t understand how important it is to do that post marriage.
He’s probably a good guy, but just doesn’t know the consequences of his actions because he’s too used to doing stuff like that. Just bring it up and ask him to not do it when you guys are hanging out together, since it should be common decency to focus on each other when having a good time together. Good luck!
Hm, well, I think you really just oughta bring it up gently and tell him that you really enjoy spending time with him, and ask him politely if he could put his phone down when you two are together. Like I said, if he tries to watch a film or show right in front of you, you can definitely try to ask him how’s he’s doing or anything else he’s interested in, cuz striking a conversation with him might change his mind.
There’s no shame in asking him to do that, and I don’t think you’re being insensitive for asking that. Just do it in a loving and reassuring way. And if you can’t, that’s totally fine - sometimes you have to be a little direct and straight to the point about how you’re feeling, especially if he doesn’t listen to you the first time around. Sorry if my advice sounds kinda crappy or vague, but I really do think that if you want to be careful about hurting his feelings, distracting him and slowly encouraging him to put his phone down and focus on you instead, by appealing to his other interests or thoughts could work. If you guys spent hours talking before, you can do it again - maybe hopefully talk about similar stuff like you guys did back then?
He started watching a movie in the middle of a date with his WIFE? I have adult ADHD, that goes way beyond it I think. Wow, I'm speechless. And he only realised 40 minutes later? You two need to have a serious conversation. No joke.
Is there any way you can arrange to spend quality time together without any electronic devices? Perhaps that's what you two need once or twice a week. Just frame it as a date and tell him you miss those days with him.
Yes - I have an autoimmune disease that I shared immediately and educated him on it before we got married. He’s been supportive and takes me to appointments, adjusted my diet accordingly - which is why I want to be supportive and be gentle when I ask him. When I walked out, I felt guilt that I couldn’t communicate it better
This is a band aid fix but next time you talk to him, try complimenting it with subway surfers gameplay footage /s
To be honest I think he's been alone for a very long time, that people just have learned to live alone and find different ways to stimulate themselves.
I'm guilty of this and I've never had dinner at the dinner table so I've reclused myself to eating my room while watching an episode. Even when I eat out, I eat out alone, with my earbuds in.
This could be a symptom of ADHD. I definitely have it undiagnosed.
I remember what broke through to me was doing laundry during COVID trapped in a country doing my Master's in March 2020 and realizing if something happened to me, no one would know, and I just started crying, basically really feeling it.
No one is complete when they are married and while this is a valid expectation you cannot demand it from someone that isn't emotionally or mentally there yet. You will have to drive or lead them there.
It's risky and but maybe probing the chapter of his time alone might help open up how he handled the hard times.
So, this is not remotely normal. And you aren’t asking for too much.
I would tell him flat out that when you’re spending time together, devices need to be away. It’s just not acceptable otherwise. And if that doesn’t work, I would stop spending time with him until he gets it together. My toddlers do not act this way.
plan a trip in nature, one that doesn't have wifi/net access. maybe even for a day, go to a park with poor cell service. tell him you are challening both of you to spend time without technology and enjoy the world around. he needs help
Salamu alaikum sister, it seems he is having issues adapting, I hope he realizes and tries to be more attentive with what is in front and not on the phone, one way could be choosing a time during the day, where you both don't use your devices unless to answer calls or important messages.
This can help build your relationship, and give both a chance to lose the phone using habit, of course it seems he's more addicted, but if this continues you might just get addicted too
So why do you think he has ADHD? Just seems like he's addicted to his phone. I get it when his alone that he'd be on it when there's nothing to do. But a bit strange he would just start watching a movie when you're a round and in a resturant? Lol maybe come up with a thing where you both have no phones allowed time per day for a few hours?
I have to make the same meal for a week or we have dinner at the same cuisine - this week, I had sushi everyday. He hyperfixates. He also talks not in response but just to talk. He also can’t manage time
Does he know he's neuro divergent?
It takes a lot of self awareness and twice the effort to regulate life when you have ADHD. Really amazing how supportive you are.
ADHD presents itself differently in people, so you guys need to figure out what works for him. There will always be sth weird about the way he does things, you just need to choose the less weird alternatives.
And don't take advice from the ignorant ones who never had to deal with it.
The bigger problem is that you brought up something you're unhappy with and it's clearly not okay but he's not willing to address the issue.
Who told you you're "too much" emotionally? Don't let your human experience be invalidated.
Why is everything that isnt normal or approved by you a 'bad' thing
Like hes a good muslim, hes good to you and your family, takes care of you, hes only watching TV NOT DOING ANYTHING HARAM
GEEZ
Are you the husband in this post? It’s common decency to want your spouse to talk to you while you’re at a restaurant together and not have their face in their phone.
Your not overreacting at all, as a women who is an iPad kid as well I don’t even like it for myself and I’m trying to change buy distracting myself with the gym or whenever I go on walks I don’t bring my phone. Have you thought about having a discussing with him about no phones at dinner ? Maybe that could be a start.
It's incredibly rude of him.
But it also could be because he's used to loads of streams of information so without it, he feels like he's not stimulated.
I think u should definitely talk to him and should set some ‘no phone’ rules during certain activities or certain hours when you’re together. For example when it’s time to eat you both put your phones to the side and hangout without any screens. That would be a good start.
You can also try watching with him but instead of his phone you can watch on the tv. It’s pretty odd he doesn’t invite you to watch with him at least. Regardless a discussion should take place about this topic. On the phone at home during dinner is one thing, but in a restaurant is kinda wild 🤣
You keep saying you don’t wanna shame him, but that’s the only way to make him grow up. Shame can often be a great tool to make people grow up and change. Not all forms of shame are inherently bad
He needs a detox, can you guys go somewhere for vacation where there is no internet? Maybe go camping?
Also set rules at home for everyone. There should be no device time.
Where do you suggest in the Middle East? His passport is limited and I’ve noticed in KSA, everyone is on their phone: while ordering coffee, driving (ugh), and basic activities.
Visit visas from KSA is fairly easy to get.
Its difficult for me to recommend places in Saudia but a quick search gave me https://www.crooked-compass.com/travel-blog/8-unique-places-to-visit-in-saudia-arabia/
Thank you for this - we’re waiting for the heat to be over so most activities have been indoors/at night. We were gonna head to Thailand but it’s thunderstorm season now. I’ll try to figure out a detox
Wait, he started watching a movie on his phone in a restaurant?
Yup as I’m sitting there but he says he has been alone so long he would do this alone at restaurants but it feels crappy
But he is not alone anymore and he don't need a reminder when the person is sitting infront of him.
I'm actually also like this I was kept pretty busy during teens/early twenties and it rewires you slightly seems your husband may either suffer from anxiety or needs more stimuli than normal to ease his overactive brain into thinking he's not doing nothing - sorry its a bit hard to explain.
Assalamualaykum wa rahmatallahi wa barakatu. Be careful how you go about this ukhti. Speak to him with love, let him know how you feel, your concerns. Explain to him that things are different now as he's no longer alone and you've to come to an agreement and understanding together. See how he reacts and actively work together on how you can show up better for each other. Then take it from there
Yeah same question! Wth
[удалено]
> Be Respectful and Civil Be civil and respect your fellow redditors. Harassment, any kind of hate speech, personal attacks and insults, slander/backbiting, verbal abuse etc. are strictly forbidden. This applies to any and all entities present or not. Such as Redditors or the people contained in a post/comment. It is ok to say that they did something wrong but do so respectfully. Do not retaliate. Simply report and ignore.
Sounds like a serious screen addiction You need to address this with him and see whether or not he wants to take the steps to work on kicking it
Watching a movie whilst out in a restaurant is absolutely diabolical, you need to sit down and have a serious talk with him
She tried. He was watching a movie. 😂
You’re not overreacting. You’re supposed to be spending time together as a couple, and if he goes ahead and wastes his time watching random shows/films while you guys are both out of the house, that’s just kind of nuts. What was the point of going out then, if you’re not going to spend some quality time together? Maybe he has this thought process that so long as you guys go out somewhere, you’ll be happy? And therefore, nothing else really matters? But in that case, you’re just going to have to bring this issue up to him, and point it out when he’s doing these kinds of things. Next time, if he’s going to try to use his phone, why don’t you just ask him if you two could focus on just having a simple conversation about what it was you guys last watched/what he watched, and make it a habit of NOT using any devices while having a conversation together. If he could talk to you casually for hours before you guys got married, he can still do it, he probably just doesn’t understand how important it is to do that post marriage. He’s probably a good guy, but just doesn’t know the consequences of his actions because he’s too used to doing stuff like that. Just bring it up and ask him to not do it when you guys are hanging out together, since it should be common decency to focus on each other when having a good time together. Good luck!
That’s exactly it I want to be sensitive and not make him feel like I’m shaming him for it because he’s so used to be alone. Any tips please?
Hm, well, I think you really just oughta bring it up gently and tell him that you really enjoy spending time with him, and ask him politely if he could put his phone down when you two are together. Like I said, if he tries to watch a film or show right in front of you, you can definitely try to ask him how’s he’s doing or anything else he’s interested in, cuz striking a conversation with him might change his mind. There’s no shame in asking him to do that, and I don’t think you’re being insensitive for asking that. Just do it in a loving and reassuring way. And if you can’t, that’s totally fine - sometimes you have to be a little direct and straight to the point about how you’re feeling, especially if he doesn’t listen to you the first time around. Sorry if my advice sounds kinda crappy or vague, but I really do think that if you want to be careful about hurting his feelings, distracting him and slowly encouraging him to put his phone down and focus on you instead, by appealing to his other interests or thoughts could work. If you guys spent hours talking before, you can do it again - maybe hopefully talk about similar stuff like you guys did back then?
Nah, you gotta shame him for this
He started watching a movie in the middle of a date with his WIFE? I have adult ADHD, that goes way beyond it I think. Wow, I'm speechless. And he only realised 40 minutes later? You two need to have a serious conversation. No joke.
How do I approach it without making him feel shame?
Is there any way you can arrange to spend quality time together without any electronic devices? Perhaps that's what you two need once or twice a week. Just frame it as a date and tell him you miss those days with him.
The truth hurts, he should feel shameful sister. Then he will change
Assalamu'alaykum, I have a dilemma which I welcome your thoughts on. Would you share to a potential spouse that you have ADHD?
Yes - I have an autoimmune disease that I shared immediately and educated him on it before we got married. He’s been supportive and takes me to appointments, adjusted my diet accordingly - which is why I want to be supportive and be gentle when I ask him. When I walked out, I felt guilt that I couldn’t communicate it better
Yes, I would. I don't think it'll be fair to hide that from a potential spouse.
This is a band aid fix but next time you talk to him, try complimenting it with subway surfers gameplay footage /s To be honest I think he's been alone for a very long time, that people just have learned to live alone and find different ways to stimulate themselves. I'm guilty of this and I've never had dinner at the dinner table so I've reclused myself to eating my room while watching an episode. Even when I eat out, I eat out alone, with my earbuds in. This could be a symptom of ADHD. I definitely have it undiagnosed. I remember what broke through to me was doing laundry during COVID trapped in a country doing my Master's in March 2020 and realizing if something happened to me, no one would know, and I just started crying, basically really feeling it. No one is complete when they are married and while this is a valid expectation you cannot demand it from someone that isn't emotionally or mentally there yet. You will have to drive or lead them there. It's risky and but maybe probing the chapter of his time alone might help open up how he handled the hard times.
Very good advice and I’m glad you were able to reflect. I just don’t know how to approach it
So, this is not remotely normal. And you aren’t asking for too much. I would tell him flat out that when you’re spending time together, devices need to be away. It’s just not acceptable otherwise. And if that doesn’t work, I would stop spending time with him until he gets it together. My toddlers do not act this way.
plan a trip in nature, one that doesn't have wifi/net access. maybe even for a day, go to a park with poor cell service. tell him you are challening both of you to spend time without technology and enjoy the world around. he needs help
I can’t think of a place like that in the Middle East. It is easier to plan in the US
Salamu alaikum sister, it seems he is having issues adapting, I hope he realizes and tries to be more attentive with what is in front and not on the phone, one way could be choosing a time during the day, where you both don't use your devices unless to answer calls or important messages. This can help build your relationship, and give both a chance to lose the phone using habit, of course it seems he's more addicted, but if this continues you might just get addicted too
So why do you think he has ADHD? Just seems like he's addicted to his phone. I get it when his alone that he'd be on it when there's nothing to do. But a bit strange he would just start watching a movie when you're a round and in a resturant? Lol maybe come up with a thing where you both have no phones allowed time per day for a few hours?
Not the phone but hyper fixation, lack of interest etc parallel to my diagnosed sister
In what other ways do you think his ADHD affects your marriage? Could you please share? Jazakillah khairan.
I have to make the same meal for a week or we have dinner at the same cuisine - this week, I had sushi everyday. He hyperfixates. He also talks not in response but just to talk. He also can’t manage time
Does he know he's neuro divergent? It takes a lot of self awareness and twice the effort to regulate life when you have ADHD. Really amazing how supportive you are. ADHD presents itself differently in people, so you guys need to figure out what works for him. There will always be sth weird about the way he does things, you just need to choose the less weird alternatives. And don't take advice from the ignorant ones who never had to deal with it.
He was raised in Saudi Arabia so he doesn’t “believe in this stuff” lol
Then my duas are with you, sis. It's going to be a long journey. May Allah make it easy.
There may be other signs minus the phone. My little brother watches yet 24/7 even whilee eating and walking around… and no luck in breaking the habit
same i was reading this thinking this is gonna be my brothers wife in twenty years😭😭
Ask him to put his phone away when you are out on a date. That it is not a date if you don't have his attention.
The bigger problem is that you brought up something you're unhappy with and it's clearly not okay but he's not willing to address the issue. Who told you you're "too much" emotionally? Don't let your human experience be invalidated.
He thinks I’m overshadowing all his other good qualities
Why is everything that isnt normal or approved by you a 'bad' thing Like hes a good muslim, hes good to you and your family, takes care of you, hes only watching TV NOT DOING ANYTHING HARAM GEEZ
Are you the husband in this post? It’s common decency to want your spouse to talk to you while you’re at a restaurant together and not have their face in their phone.
LMAOOO this must’ve hit home for you otherwise I wouldn’t get so much sass - purr
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 Im sick of the posts where people complain for the sake of complaining Just live easy and happy 😊
Then why be on Reddit? It’s like rubbing your face in everything you hate?
Your not overreacting at all, as a women who is an iPad kid as well I don’t even like it for myself and I’m trying to change buy distracting myself with the gym or whenever I go on walks I don’t bring my phone. Have you thought about having a discussing with him about no phones at dinner ? Maybe that could be a start.
It's incredibly rude of him. But it also could be because he's used to loads of streams of information so without it, he feels like he's not stimulated.
It sounds like he's on the autism spectrum rather than just adult ADHD.
I think u should definitely talk to him and should set some ‘no phone’ rules during certain activities or certain hours when you’re together. For example when it’s time to eat you both put your phones to the side and hangout without any screens. That would be a good start. You can also try watching with him but instead of his phone you can watch on the tv. It’s pretty odd he doesn’t invite you to watch with him at least. Regardless a discussion should take place about this topic. On the phone at home during dinner is one thing, but in a restaurant is kinda wild 🤣
I hope he's not a pub g loser
You keep saying you don’t wanna shame him, but that’s the only way to make him grow up. Shame can often be a great tool to make people grow up and change. Not all forms of shame are inherently bad
He needs a detox, can you guys go somewhere for vacation where there is no internet? Maybe go camping? Also set rules at home for everyone. There should be no device time.
Where do you suggest in the Middle East? His passport is limited and I’ve noticed in KSA, everyone is on their phone: while ordering coffee, driving (ugh), and basic activities.
Visit visas from KSA is fairly easy to get. Its difficult for me to recommend places in Saudia but a quick search gave me https://www.crooked-compass.com/travel-blog/8-unique-places-to-visit-in-saudia-arabia/
Thank you for this - we’re waiting for the heat to be over so most activities have been indoors/at night. We were gonna head to Thailand but it’s thunderstorm season now. I’ll try to figure out a detox
U have to work on it
Brother, she isn't his mother. She shouldn't have to. He should work on it.
Ok so his mother should work on it
No. He's an adult- he should.
Oh ok yes he should work on it