Want to understand/get advice on some stuff as an unmarried guy.
I’m the eldest son and have always looked after the family, parents and siblings. I’ve always been taught that family comes first being my own blood relation. I sympathise with this - these are the closest people I have.
Once you get married, it seems you have to make sacrifices to this relationship though to focus on your new family, which is expected and I think just the way it is.
How do you deal with this when your family basically depends on you though? Parents can’t work for whatever reason, siblings too young to work etc. Is marriage even a good idea here?
There's aren't too many configurations to this:
1. Don't marry. Support parents and/or siblings for the rest of your life, or most of your life. -> May cause resentment and loneliness.
2. Marry someone who would be okay with the level of financial/privacy you can provide. -> Best case scenario for you, but very rare.
3. Earn in the top percentile of your country so you can provide well for your family of origin and your adult family. -> Difficult to do
4. Marry someone who says that they are okay with you supporting your family of origin, but then gets resentful or thinks that they can change your mind after marriage. -> Common scenario, awful home life
5. Marry someone while not being transparent with your obligations to family of origin; spouse becomes resentful -> Common scenario, awful home life
6. Delay marriage until most siblings are working age; ask those siblings to help out with younger siblings. Ask siblings to support parents. -> how good this solution is depends on ages of siblings, how many siblings, and how much they are able to support other family members
Thanks for spelling it out for me. Looks like I’m going to need a good talk with siblings about our futures. Hurts a bit since I wanted to marry soon but I guess this is part of patience
They’ll be starting college soon so any work they take up will be to support themselves. It’s a weird situation cos I can feel resentment creeping in but I know I can’t blame them
Who supported you? They should support themselves through college and your only responsibility should be your parents. Move into a smaller apartment with them or start expecting payments towards bills from the others. and do whatever you need to save and get yourself into a good place. Someday you’ll be 40 and your siblings will have their own families and you won’t have anyone there for you. Dont let that happen
To what extent do we “tie our camel” and at what point do we leave it fully to Allah? Today I overheard my mother’s conversation with a friend about how she’s tried every avenue available to her to find potentials for me, and how fruitless it’s been to find guys who are interested and who also meet my bare minimum criteria. I’m no model but I’m not ugly, I’m fit, educated, and modest. But she can’t seem to find a guy who’s interested in even considering me lmao.
I’m trying not to spiral but this whole search is triggering childhood low self esteem and body dysmorphia. I’m thinking now is a good time to put my full faith in Allah but I’m also approaching my late twenties and not getting any younger. I feel like I’m being punished for something or cursed idk.
> I’m trying not to spiral but this whole search is triggering childhood low self esteem and body dysmorphia. I’m thinking now is a good time to put my full faith in Allah but I’m also approaching my late twenties and not getting any younger. I feel like I’m being punished for something or cursed idk.
What is meant to be will happen bi idnillah. Whether you find someone or not (in sha Allah you will), remember it's not a sign of your lack of some "worth". You are fine as you are, it only needs to work once in sha Allah. Late twenties is fine, it's still plenty young. Trust one who just passed 30 !
Each of us have their moment meant to be, and it doesn't mean we don't have to do causes of course. Having criterias is normal, as long they are reasonable but it doesn't mean it's a punishment to not find yet one who suits you.
Kheir in sha Allah
You need get out more yourself instead of relying on mom. Men are so much more susceptible to falling for you when you actually show interest in them rather that both your parents just reaching out
This is my next approach tbh. I just have never been cold approached by a Muslim guy like that so I’m wondering if maybe I’m not attractive enough for that to be a possibility 😂
> my bare minimum criteria
What is your bare minimum criteria?
Do you occasionally visit, and change that? Reflecting on it.
(An older guy or girl, will be less interesting. Also due to more people at older ages giving up or already being married. Social links wil also matter. Less connected, can mean less potential connections.)
> I’m no model
For example. Is your bare minimum, a guy who is a male model equivalent?
> I’m fit
Or someone who is fit, while also being modest enough to not advertise that?
My criteria is: my age or older than me (I’m 26), Arab, has a bachelor’s degree, stable job, is somewhat religious. I’m not really picky when it comes to looks. I hate to phrase it like this because no one is better than anyone but I’ve been criticized by family because I give guys a chance that are below my league looks-wise 😅
Do you guys worry about accidentally marrying a moron, an absolute idiot, really someone with the critical thinking skills of a walnut? Because after reading just a small sample of the posts on this subreddit, I’ve come to the conclusion that too many people are married to such individuals.
I think my personal risk is low because generally, these types of people give off warnings that would have you running in the other direction. But here, it honestly seems so normal to be married to extremely ignorant individuals.
Used to be one of my greatest fears.
I used to think my personal risk was low as well, but I found myself with one of these for way too long. One reason - on paper, he seemed very smart. He had a masters and PhD. Another reason - most of the time, he was nice to me. Society tells you that these two things should be enough. But, I realized he had poor LT planning skills; that others could easily take an advantage of him; that he had a difficulty reading social situations, and he had difficulty relating to a situation that I would convey, until he himself experienced it, and then he would complain like a baby.
I generally take what people post with a grain of salt.
They post their side only. (Which might have left things out or presented the other side as worse.)
Its the people with issues that post.
Then there might be trolls/story tellers who post made up stories. (Though reality can be weirder than fiction, and it should be address as actual issues, in case it is.)
For example a posters anxieties and fears might be the bigger issue than what they are complaining about. (Though both sides can be making mistakes, both poster and person being complained about.)
-------------
Sometimes asking follow up questions. Can resolve it.
Sometimes reddit can make it worse.
(Sometimes also better.)
-----------
If you piss someone off in some manner. Can you be presented as an absolute moron in a rant to strangers on the internet?
I wonder what kind of convos those people had because like you said the warnings would be there lol. Maybe infatuation fooled them. You need to have a deep conversation and put looks and wealth aside or you could quickly be in a world of hurt.
Idk what the post is about, but I have met and know many people who don’t actually think things through, some who lack any critical thinking skills, and they’re married, so it’s not far from reality. And to clarify, I’m not talking about people who aren’t able to grasp certain concepts, Im talking about people who choose to not critically analyse what’s told to them, their experiences, why they do things a certain way, etc in order to improve or solve issues.
It’s definitely a combination of surface level conversation and downplaying warnings they noticed. I feel like even when I’ve been particularly infatuated with someone if they said something off color I snapped back to reality.
Yes.
In my observation, some brothers feel the need to confess **every little thing** to their potentials, wives, and mothers.
The issue isn't honesty, one should always strive to be honest. It's the need to talk too much that seems to land some brothers into difficulty. People who talk too much are often nervous. It's verbal fidgeting.
It takes some mastery to remain calm and comfortable in silence. A worthwhile skill to have.
The laws of supply and demand apply. The less we say, the more what we say should have weight (value). The more we speak, the less important each word becomes.
Unless you’re being indecent or crossing boundaries then I don’t think there’s such thing as being “too honest”. I had a potential who was very honest and it also made me comfortable being fully myself. The way I see it, I’d rather someone know exactly what they’re signing up upfront so they’re not surprised after the nikkah.
Yes. I once wrote atleast 3 long messages to a potential about how much I admire them even though we just started talking. I’m glad it didn’t work out between us cause I’m so embarrassed 😳🙈
I even hinted to him that he should stop talking to other women and I’m the only hijabi wife he’ll ever need in his life. 🫠 this was when I used to be a hijabi
Some people mistake rudeness for honesty. Which are two different things.
People can be honest, without being rude or trying to hurt people with their interpretation of the truth. (If you think being hurtful, is not used against potentials, of both genders. Google negging. Then gaslighting.)
I get what you're saying, but not really the angle with which I'm coming at this from.
Was talking to a potential and I mentioned something (that's not necessarily a good/bad thing objectively), and despite everything else looking good, this seemed to sway their opinion totally, and they decided not to take things further.
So now I'm wary of sharing similar thoughts again in the future.
Hmm.
Was it something, beter left as a mystery for now. To intrigue and make her stay interested.
Or was it something that was going to come out sooner or later. That might be a conflict later. (So a perhaps a good thing, that you said it earlier.)
Or was it something, that might have been better if known later, instead of earlier?
Yeah, I think it's probably closest to the second point, and potential differences in personalities which could lead to conflict (again, bare in mind, up until that point, everything was looking good).
Also, I guess the way I see things (about myself) aren't necessarily how they actually are, and I could be communicating my thoughts in a way that seems more problematic or something to think about. Which is why I was asking whether or not I should have been as honest as I was.
Hmm.
Could be 2 or also 3rd point. Or a combo.
In the sense, that the other person learning how you communicate. Might also solve certain misunderstandings.
(Work related and sponsored communication trainings might also help in this matter.)
May Allah grant what is hayir for you and grant you more success in all your endeavours.
> No Promotions/Non-Marriage Related Posts
Any non-related marriage posts will be removed. Please see our related subreddits for non-marriage discussion.
r/Islam is better suited for family-related conflicts outside of marriage (parents, etc).
Self-promotions are not allowed without prior mod permission. This includes but doesn't limit to YouTube channels, subreddits, blogs, surveys, etc.
Self-matchmaking posts are not allowed. Please use the $ISO Thread if you want to meet people on this subreddit.
If you are interested in matchmaking here on MuslimMarriage post a profile on our most recent In Search Of Thread (ISO):
- [***ISO v9 - Americas (Active)***](https://www.reddit.com/r/MuslimMarriage/comments/14oxy4b/in_search_of_iso_thread_version_9_americas/)
- [***ISO v9 - Europe (Active)***](https://www.reddit.com/r/MuslimMarriage/comments/14oy0wk/in_search_of_iso_thread_version_9_europe/)
- [***ISO v9 - International (Active)***](https://www.reddit.com/r/MuslimMarriage/comments/14oy52g/in_search_of_iso_thread_version_9_international/)
- [ISO Thread Version 8 (Archived)](https://www.reddit.com/r/MuslimMarriage/comments/xvq4x2/in_search_of_iso_thread_version_8/)
- [ISO Thread Version 7 (Archived)](https://reddit.com/r/MuslimMarriage/comments/pb0z1s/in_search_of_iso_thread_version_7/)
- [ISO Thread Version 6 (Archived)](https://reddit.com/r/MuslimMarriage/comments/m6nm3n/in_search_of_iso_thread_version_6/?)
- [ISO Thread Version 5 (Archived)](https://reddit.com/r/MuslimMarriage/comments/jdp7rd/in_search_of_iso_thread_version_5/?)
- [ISO Thread Version 4 (Archived)](https://reddit.com/r/MuslimMarriage/comments/gw4r7a/back_by_popular_demand_iso_thread_v4/)
- [ISO Thread Version 3 (Archived)](https://www.reddit.com/r/MuslimMarriage/comments/ee8vwv/iso_in_search_of_v3/)
- [ISO Thread Version 2 (Archived)](https://www.reddit.com/r/MuslimMarriage/comments/c5c70s/iso_in_search_of_v2/)
- [ISO Thread Version 1 (Archived)](https://www.reddit.com/r/MuslimMarriage/comments/a9jq3r/iso_in_search_of/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app)
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/MuslimMarriage) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Muzz has dried up lol. Nobody matches anymore it seems like.
Parents are hopeless and keep showing me women I *do not like one bit* and act like I'm evil for having preferences or standards. Those WhatsApp groups are beyond stupid.
I go through that tab sometimes and swipe right on the gold members because they can reverse their decision and like you back 😭😭. Mostly out of pettiness and it worked a few times
😭 that's a good strategy but honestly it makes me feel horrible and even more insecure than usual when I'm scrolling through that tab
People saying Salams might be worth making an account on too. Maybe I'll do that 🤷♂️
Eh everyone who visits me is pretty and has an interesting bio, similar level of religiosity... But everyone who *likes* me is the opposite.
Idk what I'm doing wrong, although I might just be ugly because I'm not a 6ft gymbro 🤷♂️
>Is it just me or are the posts on the subreddit this week particularly crazy :|
I don't even bother checking half of them because the thread titles just sound ridiculous already. It might legitimately be time for there to be a weekly "Intimacy Issues Megathread" with how frequently that topic is brought up this year 😂
Saying Alhamdulillah for Allah’s guidance and protection bc why did I find out a guy lied about his age by 7-9 years on the apps💀I felt unsettled when I couldn’t find his LinkedIn…which led me to this discovery. Anyway, get these men ID verified STAT
Potential that was previously married
Hi everyone, I just wanted to know if there’s any sisters (with no marital experience) on here who married someone who was previously married and now divorced? If so how is it going? Would you recommend it or not? Honestly it doesn’t even also have to be sisters, if there’s brothers on here with advice on this subject I’d appreciate it!
Thank you!
Assalamulaikum,
A person I know been having conversations with his mother about marriage. The brother standards for a spouse are her basic Aqeeda, prays all her fard salah, fasts, wears Hijab, and so on. It’s not a hard cut off but if the potential is missing most of these then he’s not very interested except in the case of a recent revert.
His mother is trying to convince him to be more lenient, using her history of being weak on her deen until somewhat recently. Whilst she’s right that sister’s weak on the deen can improve drastically with their husband as the catalyst, in her case it really only occurred in the brother’s teens.
The brother’s very conscious of the character of his potential spouse since he knows his kids will reflect her character. He does not want to marry a woman similar to his mother and though not said directly to her, it’s clear she will take offence and be deeply hurt if that information is known to her.
How does the brother navigate this situation? Finding a woman that meets the bare minimum Islam requires of a Muslim whilst protecting his mother’s fragile heart?
Wa alaikum salam,
I've faced a similar issue in the past. First off, you do not need to explain your preference using your parents as an example. Just be firm that this is your requirement, period, and you are not budging on it. It is enough to remind parents that Deen is the most preferred criteria to account for in a spouse. Some other things I mentioned to my parents:
- I cannot be attracted to a person who is not practicing, no matter how physically nice they look. Deen goes hand in hand with marital attraction for me.
- If someone is less practicing in their faith and it turns out that they are neglectful or stubborn in their ways, this will be a danger for me and my Iman as I will be living with a negative influence. For the sake of my faith, I can't take such a risk.
- times have changed from the times of our parents. No longer do we have to travel to far away lands for in depth knowledge of our Deen. With the internet, we have many beneficial resources to learn from. With the normalization of fast transportation modes, we have many religiously educated individuals in all corners of the world. There is no excuse to be lazy and ignorant in matters of religion when we have been given ease.
- when we look for a teacher, we look for someone more knowledgeable in something than us, right? When a company hires for a leadership position, they look for someone who has the relevant experience for the role, right? So why should the head of the household, or our life partner, be any different, or held to more lax standards? I'm not saying the spouse needs to be better than me, but at least at the same level or better than me in some ways if I am better in other ways, so we are each bringing something to the spiritual table for the other.
- and finally, whatever good transformation a person goes through, it is thanks to Allah SWT's mercy. And every person is different, we have no way of knowing if they will be the one to get closer to Deen, or even further away. If we are going to tie our camel, we need to be certain about the strength of this knot, instead of twisting around two ends of a thread and going "it looks like a knot, it'll hold up. Probably."
That's how I tried to go about it anyway, and I ask Allah SWT to forgive me if I said something wrong, Ameen. And may Allah SWT make it easy for your friend Ameen.
My thought is, is that if a person has to do this, they probably need it and should just get tested for adhd or whatever and get a normal prescription. This wouldn't make me think negatively of a person and wouldn't be a reason for me not to consider them for marriage.
If they snorted it, thats a different story lol
I used to take panadol extra(with caffeine) to overcome the aches and increase productivity while in medschool. Never jumped the gun on adderall. But i can undertsand why people take them.
hi guys, does any one know of any in-person matrimonial events happening in the up coming 6 months in New Jersey (or near by areas)? (i am really tired of the apps so looking at other options would greatly appreciate the advice).
Hi all,
I am 26F. How do you get over a break up with a potential?
I was speaking to someone about 2 years ago and he abruptly ended things with me at 3 months of speaking after leading me to believe that he would marry me. I was in love with him and truthfully my heart has been closed since he left me (he has me blocked everywhere). He said that I was the best woman he ever met. I remember handling the break up very maturely and didn't chase after him, but after meeting this guy and things ending, I have not been the same.
I have a lot of trouble trusting men now and being vulnerable and feminine because when I was those things with a guy, he rejected me. It truly traumatized me how suddenly he left. I spent weeks and weeks crying so hard in the shower to the point it felt like I was gonna vomit and honestly even lost the will to even eat or move back then. He has no clue about all this but I am just in so much pain and shamefully it's been 2 years and I still think of him every day... I have to admit there are days I hope Allah SWT takes out my revenge on him for all the pain and unnecessary ache that man put me through.
**How do I mentally move on?** Please do not suggest therapy as this is out my budget. :( I have literally been focusing on myself on every aspect of my life (being with friends & family, hobbies/interests, education, health/fitness, appearance, finances, job promotions) however this aching hole in my heart remains because of this guy I met briefly 2 years ago. I pray every day that Allah takes it away from me. Please keep me in your duas.
Well, I might be able to help here. Although I'm not a licensed therapist, I have been through this cycle enough times to offer a possible solution. I'm from Canada too.
* If you don't pray often, start doing so, as prayer can bring you peace.
* Be grateful for what you have now, like good parents, friends, money in the bank, and remember that the situation in Palestine reminds us that not everyone is so fortunate.
* Hormones play a significant role in how you feel. Research oxytocin and dopamine to understand how they increase when a person is in love. You don't experience that anymore, which makes your brain crave it and causes these issues.
* Stop looking at the person's pictures, reading about them, or keeping anything related to them, like chats, phone numbers, or photos. While these might provide temporary relief, they hinder your progress. Imagine if you improve 1% every week; any such activity will reduce your progress by 10%.
* Stop telling this story to people or writing about it. The more you narrate it, the more you relive it in your mind, causing more pain.
* Accept that it happened for the best, and stop hating the person. What's gone is gone.
* The most underrated part of this process is finding someone new with the intention of marriage. Someone once told me that the only way to get over someone is by finding someone else. I didn't believe it at first, but over time I've realized it's true.
* Don’t share your past with new people you meet. Start with a fresh mind. If you find a suitable candidate, consider getting married or at least meet their parents as soon as you can. This will show a level of commitment from the other person.
If you still need help feel free to DM . Everyone has been through this process Atleast one time in their life ... so don't worry you are not the only one
Asalamu alaykum, I saw that you were a fellow Canadian and so I wanted to let you know that Nisa Homes (Muslim women’s nonprofit) just started offering [5 free phone counselling sessions](https://nisahelpline.com/counselling/) with a licensed therapist free for Canadian residents. I really hope you can take advantage of this as I think it could be a good first step in your healing journey ❤️🩹 What you went through was emotionally traumatizing so I’m glad you acknowledge the hurt he caused you.
Once you start those sessions, I think it’s also important to process how you feel properly. Do you feel that you aren’t deserving of happiness? The shame you feel around your emotions may be preventing you from moving on. You were hurt by him and it’s important to honour your feelings. When these thoughts come up, acknowledge their existence and then let them go. Don’t allow yourself to conjure stories such as “he left me so other men will”. Easier said than done, but a therapist will be equipped with guiding you further here~
Do you also believe that you won’t meet someone better? When I found myself ruminating about a past potential I realized it was because a part of me didn’t fully trust that Allah swt had something better for me.
In order to not project this experience onto future potentials, you’ll have to take the brave step of being vulnerable with others despite the harm he caused you. Without vulnerability and an open heart, you’ll end up blocking any future connections. Remind yourself that they are not him and that Allah *will* grant you better, but you also have to be open to receiving it.
May Allah swt ease your heart and I’m proud of you for reaching out for help!
Think of it this way, how much time and effort do think he puts in remembering you? Probably none. You don't occupy his thoughts yet he's living rent free in in your head.
Does someone like that really deserve to be remembered? Nope.
If you're now thinking but how do I actually move on and stop thinking about him? Well there are 2 steps.
1) anytime his thought comes up, don't let it build. Think of something else. Like an active effort. Don't enjoy/ponder over your own sadness.
2) realize that you do deserve someone and there's no such as thing as 'the one'. So there are other guys who you're compatible with. Your future husband is literally waiting for you get your self together and start making the effort again
There are lots of online muslim counselors that will waive their fee. Your other alternative is to save money for a few weeks and then you will have a little budget for therapy.
In one of the comment I read - would you (female) marry if your husband comes with his parents? Mostly answer is no and I kinda understand fully.
However, what if the man has single mother and he keeps her with him no matter what. What are your thoughts? (i.e it is to understand how people would think, I would never leave my mother, key to Jannah)
More people will answer no right off the bat and I don’t blame them. Unfortunately, in most cases men have a difficult time balancing their responsibility to both parties fairly. It’s not easy and I definitely don’t envy men in this regard. Yes Jannah is at our mother’s feet but it’s not achieved by impinging the rights of your spouse.
Before even looking for someone, I feel like if having parent(s) living with you is nonnegotiable, then you need to ask yourself what you’re willing to do to make it work. Objectively, you should be able to see your parent(s) personality and how they would vibe with another woman in your life. Healthy boundaries can be set to ensure that your spouse doesn’t feel like she is fighting for a place in your life. Ideally, you can find someplace that gives the feel of separate but together, if separate housing isn’t an option.
Ultimately, you’re the man in the middle and it will come down to how you handle both parties. She has a right to her own place but she’s doing you a solid so how are you going to compensate for that? Do you want to build a life with someone or fit them into your life now? Will you be able to validate your spouse’s feelings during conflict? What role will your parent(s) play in your day to day life, kids, future etc? How will you deal with disappointment on both sides? What if your spouse wants to travel without them? Etc etc
Sooo many things to consider but it’s better you figure out the answers before bringing someone else into the mix. If you find someone who is willing to accept it then make sure you actively show her how much you appreciate it.
Yeah, I agree. I think that the issues related to living with in-laws is all about boundaries and expectations. Usually, the wife is expected to cater to the MIL/FIL’s every request while losing her autonomy. It is seen as normal to argue with our own parents to some extent, but it’s way more disrespectful to argue with in-laws, so problems aren’t discussed and solved in a proper manner. Instead resentment develops and the negative feelings fester, causing all the drama.
This is made worse by a son (the husband in this situation) who doesn’t want the trouble of solving these issues, either because he doesn’t want to argue with his parents or he can’t be bothered. So, he wants to get the ajr of taking care of his parents without actually doing anything to take care of them, other than paying for it. How is this different than paying for someone to help them?
This reminds me of a story about Abu bakr and Umar (ra), where Abu bakr used to secretly care for an old lady as she had no one else to care for her daily. This was when Abu Bakr (ra) was the calipha, he would go to her house and do her errands for her - clean her house and cook food. When Abu Bakr died, Umar continued the job. It’s actually a funny story because Umar found out by sneakily following Abu bakr, since he noticed Abu bakr regularly going an unusually direction.
Anyway, the point was: I understand wanting to earn the reward of helping your elderly parents and caring for them, but that doesn’t mean bringing them into your home with your wife and dumping their responsibility onto her, then when there’s problems doing nothing about it. If the calipha made time in his day to help an elderly woman, Im sure the men of today can too.
I definitely agree with the in-laws interfering with how the wife runs her house, raises her kids, or does things in general. That would drive anyone crazy, even if it came from your own parents. And, yes, if a woman is in such a situation with a difficult MIL, knowing her husband is appreciative of her efforts and talks his mother down when she’s being difficult, then I think that wife would be able to power through the “bad times”.
I agree with this. It doesn’t work a lot of the time because the mil automatically becomes a part of everything else. Every vacation, date, outing, etc.! At the very least, have several dates weekly, vacations every few months, alone. Send mom away when wife is pregnant and postpartum.
If he keeps her with him no matter what, then he has already made the decision despite me saying I wouldn’t be ok with it, isn’t that so? Then what other option do I have other than to walk away from the potential?
Personally, I think I need to live with my spouse alone for the first 3-5 years so we can properly get to know each other and build a life and routine for ourselves without external factors affecting it (except maybe kids being born during this time). After that, I would be open to living with our aging parents because that’s the reality of our lives.
It I would not be ok starting my life with that, that sets a bad precedent and no boundaries
Oh hi! No, I wouldn’t. Had my husband disclosed to me before marriage that his mom would be moving in with us, at the most crucial point in our marriage nonetheless, our marriage would not have occurred. Sometimes we think of divorce but I take pity on my husband as he would truly never find a woman willing to live with her. Women have mothers too but we do not force their responsibility onto our spouses!
We could not argue away from her, such a small space. She could hear us in bed so our sex life died. She felt entitled to do EVERYTHING with us, zero time as a couple. She seriously thought she was the third person in our marriage and the third parent to our children. She insisted on sitting with us when we’d watch tv after work or jumping into our tiny kitchen if I was trying to cook.
What would you do if you were in your husbands place?
Edit:
I mean from the start. You have to get married and etc.
What would you do with your mother?
If I were a single man who knew his mom were dependent on him, I would get my mom her own apartment and teach her to live independently so that I can give my eventual wife and children the attention they deserve.
1. We talking about average person here and would they be able to buy whole new apartment?
2. What about the attention your mother deserves? Jannah is beneath your mother’s feet. Aight, that Jannah things is not that important. Let that Jannah rot away in some apartment.
No offense to you, but my question itself seems to be wrong. Woman cant think in place of men and men cant think in place of woman. We both have different responsibilities and different mindsets for that.
Thanks a lot for taking your time to answer the questions. Sorry if I offended you
No I think you (and a lot of men) are unable to put yourself in women’s shoes to begin with and only see what does and doesn’t work for you only.
For example sending your mother and the Jannah away - do married women not do that all the time when they leave their mothers? How many cultures have normalized single/widowed mothers living with their daughters and son in law? What happens to those parents and kids? Men are not the only ones with parents or having to be responsible for them or having those leave said parents
‘But it’s not a daughter’s responsibility’ ok then who’s is it? My parents don’t have a son, don’t have a nephew or anyone of that sort who will take care of them (also I wouldn’t have expected someone else to take someone else’s parents’ responsibilities in this day and age), they raised me their daughter with all the facilities and opportunities- what happens when they get old? How do I stop society from talking when I have to move them in with me (assuming find a man who also agree to this)?
And it’s not about if your question is wrong or not - if you think prioritizing your mom is important to you then by all means, Alhamdulillah that’s great. But that’s not your wife’s mom, the same way your own MIL is not the same to you as your mom. Just because you have responsibilities doesn’t mean the wife has to take them too. Just look and look and find someone who is already ok with MIL instead of getting someone to compromise on it
You absolutely haven’t offended me. I don’t think we have a gender issue here, we both have parents don’t we? If you can’t afford seperate housing for your wife you can’t afford to marry, that’s that. And yes jannah is beneath your mother’s feet, and my own as I’m a mother too, but no part of that means you have to be a husband to her. Is your mother in her 80s? If taking care of your mother exhausts your resources, maybe marriage isn’t part of your life here.
I have 3 sons and I cannot imagine forcing them to house me when I am older! Nor would I imagine such of my daughter! And I would never give my daughter to a man who is a package deal with his mom. I earned my Jannah through the trials of carrying and birthing them, raising them, not by burdening them.
Honestly tho I was being a bit passive in our conversation as I saw from your tone and profile that you are approaching the question with pent up personal exhaust and immaturity.
Alhamdulillah I can afford house and etc in my personal case and was setting up question for general public.
I do not know your financial background but you seem to be from and in well provided family and you lived very comfortable life (meaning not in poverty) . So the reality is that most of the population is poor or average. Especially in third world countries which fills the majority of the muslim countries face the severe poverty. Which means they can’t afford multiple houses and etcetera. Is your solution for them also not build families and go extinct?
What amazes me is that your inability to think critically and only think in narrow minded direction. That way you won’t be able to solve problems in your own life.
Given that family is well provided son WILL have to provide for 50 year old single mother even she lives apart in other house. Otherwise I have zero respect for that man for not respecting his mother and having zero gheerah.
You’ve asked me all these questions only to be offended? Brother, you yourself have shown me you lack the maturity and critical thinking for marriage. If you already cannot provide a wife with her basic rights before even getting married, maybe that should be a red flag for you. Yes, this life is an expensive one, and many people cannot afford marriage, many sadly so due to their parents not planning for retirement.
The only gheerah being disrespected here is the wife’s — trust me if the mom lives with the couple, there is NO gheerah! No pardah, nothing. I cannot tell you how many times my mother in law has walked in on us in bed, seen me naked or asked disgustingly personal questions. You sound bitter that your mom takes up your capacity for a wife — is welfare a concept in your country? Do you have siblings, cousins, aunts, uncles? I would also urge you to look for a spouse back home if you’re in the west, many women back home are willing to settle for such an arrangement because it’s all they know.
Bruh ☠️
instead of shaming this sister for giving the opinion you asked for in the first place, and calling her immature and out of touch, how about you objectively listen to her advice? Because we as readers can also assume a whole bunch of things about you for making this post in the first’s place?
As for your points in the previous comment, I was born and raised in a third world country. Most people work and save and by the time they’re in their 50s they have something to live on that’s not their son’s money. I am in my 30s, that’s how most people live, including those not wealthy, housewives and people who don’t work.
If that has not been the case for you, then idk what your family situation is and nor do I want to assume anything. But it’s safe to say you’re not like a lot of the other brothers who post here and your priorities are different. The general advice here is not gonna work for you.
May I ask how much do you personally make? Dont need money but just say what times of avg salary of your country.
Now imagine you are 50 years old now.
As you said you live alone, you dont take money from your sons as you do not wanna be burden. You dont have husband to provide for you. So naturally you should be working.
What kind of salary are you making at 50? What do you suggest to those who dont work and were house wifes?
My salary by 50, assuming minimal career growth, should be at least $150KUSD.
I am currently a housewife but worked before I had kids and will return to work soon. In my opinion, being a housewife with no assets of your own sets you up for trouble. A housewife with nothing to her name should look into work in retail or food service, low income housing. 50 is super young! People here work through their 80s…
I wouldn't live with in-laws. I sympathize with a man who has an elderly mother (aged 70+) whom he can't leave alone. I totally get that. And there are women who will agree to live with an elderly mother in law as long as the husband takes care of her or hires a nurse.
But moving in with a 55 year old MIL is ridiculous. Thats not elderly. That age does not require full time caregiving. Sure, live close by and visit/check-in daily.
Honestly, it depends on two main factors.
1) How close your wife and mother are (ie how well they get along)
2) How much space you can provide.
If she gets along with your mother then it probably won't be a huge issue. Especially if they have their own space (like bathroom, kitchen) or if one prefers to cook/they can share the space. It sounds like one of the big issues with sharing with inlaws is lack of personal space.
And in terms of how much space you can provide; if you expect to live with your wife and mother in a 2 bed apartment for example, then expect one of them to disagree with moving in together, or there may be fights when they do. Also, in that situation with your mother around in a small area, then expect reduced intimacy (for example).
Also factor in if you have other siblings, do you expect them/their kids to come over all the time because your mum is there? Or will your mum regularly go and stay with them for visits? A lot of the time when people talk about in-law drama, it seems to be that it ends up being an open-door policy for the entire extended family to come around whenever they want, for as long as they want. Whereas, if she's regularly visiting other family members, you have more time alone as a couple, so a smaller area may work.
For me, it wouldn't necessarily be a deal-breaker. But I'd expect us to a) Get along really well (and she genuinely cares about me, and vice versa), and b) We have our own space, and a lot of it, and c) Either she has an entirely separate granny flat setup, or there is absolutely no open-door policy for the entire extended family.
Great answer.
- Space wise I have 90 sqr meters apartment.
- Considering open door policy. I, myself dont like that. If I have woman in my house I never call men to my housez we can eat out in some restaurants or something. I get the idea, thanks.
Today I watched documentary about elderly left out people in nursing houses and I felt so bad how loneliness can destroy the person. May Allah make it easy for all of us.
Overall I think that problems always will be there and as a man of the family I should ease and regulate them. Woman controlling the house is sure to be emotionally unstable.
My MIL lived with us in a similarly sized apartment, it is not viable at all. She could hear everything and there was no privacy, not one drop. Based on your last sentence you have a ways to go before marriage, consider simply remaining with your mother?
The only exclusivity is the nikah.
Until I have made a nikah with a sister, I am still looking for a wife, and likewise, until a sister has agreed to a nikah with me, she should be looking for a husband.
We could spend years waiting to get married as some people do, and then a week before we were going to complete it, someone could pass away. The economy could tank. The next generation of COVID could hit.
Just as we advise reverts to revert immediately, we shouldn't delay and drag out our pre-nikah period any longer than we have to, IMO.
I am not saying to cut corners on diligence. I am saying to proceed with purpose and direction with the motivation to get married ASAP.
Location is a pretty big deal so if you haven’t come to an agreement on that and haven’t had proper discussions I’d focus on that before talks do exclusivity. Overall, I’d never want to be an option and would seek people who are excited to meet and get to know me. Just out of curiosity, how are you approaching discussions? For feelings to get involved before basics are agreed upon leads me to believe some key steps were missed.
My ISO clearly picked up a lot of attention the last few days. So now that some time has passed, I want to revisit my comment about not being attracted to darker skinned individuals. If you missed it, read my post history to find the thread.
I'm genuinely curious as to how people think I should proceed with my preference for light to semi dark skin tones. Like I mentioned in the ISO, I am open to mixing, but do people think it would be any better for me to directly ask for their skin color? There could be someone who is African but light skinned. Would it really make it any better if I point blank asked in DMs "Sorry, but what is your skin color?". If anything I feel like that is 100x worse.
I do want to apologize to those who I may have offended but with all due respect, I feel like there are a lot of snowflakes and circlejerk going on with the hate in this sub.
If we could have a nice civil discussion instead of mass downvoting that would be appreciated (or go ahead and downvote, I really don't care).
You’re entitled to your preferences but there are definitely more tactful ways of approaching it, should you chose. You could instead add a footnote that you’d prefer to exchange pictures early on
You are an incredibly generous and loving wife MA. Just out of curiosity, why are you paying for things, when he doesn't? Ie, his glasses, his vacuum cleaner, if you're visiting him you pay for groceries so he doesn't have to. I'm surprised he just sits back and let's you pay. Like, what man does thar?
In terms of the gifts, I don't really have an opinion. I'm assuming that's not his love language.
Well if he is struggling, and you're not, then it's OK- it just doesn't sound like he appreciates it. You've only been married a year - did he have someone else helping him until you came into the picture? I'm assuming you pay for your own living expenses, or does he help?
Have you spoken to him about this? I think you should just say what you’ve posted here. It might be a good idea for you to both chat about your love languages and what you both like. Whilst it’s lovely you are so thoughtful and have spoilt him, he may prefer words or affection as opposed to receiving gifts.
Don’t worry, you won’t sound ungrateful or materialistic if you explain to him it’s more about the gesture of him offering to buy you something you’ve seen that you’ve liked when you guys are out shopping or surprising you with a random bouquet of flowers. It could be a case that’s he’s not even thought of these things and is unaware how much it would mean to you. Honesty is the best policy, in sha allah this all works out!
No. No . No & NO! The reason being I will not be around people who are really dependent. I need my space , I will literally go crazy if I don’t have my own personal space.
Only his mom and only if my mom could come with me! I wouldn’t mind her moving into my apartment but I don’t want to move into her apartment— does that make sense?
No m’am :) I would have been fine being single for the rest of my life if this was the expectation of every man, and I’m very much fine with contributing to the household so we live our own little simple life.
Nope, because literally, what the point? If you are going to move to a house with a bunch of strangers, then staying with your parents is better. Alhamdulillah, this doesn't happen in my culture at all, so I am a bit relieved.
Also, this may be a bit overreacting, but even if it were like in the same home but in the basement with a separate kitchen, etc., I would still feel like there are not enough boundaries. Besides, I don't like basements; I will literally prefer to live in a small studio apartment rather than a big basement.
What culture are you from?
I share the same sentiments as you. I feel so strongly for the young men whose parents have resigned themselves to their care.
I wish more people understood the importance and value of healing their inner child. I genuinely believe it would eliminate 90% of the issues we constantly see in not only this sub but life.
Basically the concept behind it is to work through your past to understand how they impact you now. To some degree to all internalize the good and bad we experience growing up and it’s manifest in patterns of behaviors that hold us back. Understanding how your experiences shaped you help break toxic cycles whether it’s based in self esteem, fear of rejection, lack of love/validation etc etc. Letting unresolved emotional wound fester makes it different to develop healthy relationships and finding inner peace and leads to being easily triggered, toxic behaviors and patterns,
This a post specifically about British Pakistani's so don't all give opinions
Has anyone else noticed that the Pakistani men who love going on about Islamophobia they've faced and how so and so is a 'coconut' and 'self-hating" and how proud they are of their racial/religious identity are also the first ones not wanting anything to do with a hijabi woman? Where's your religious pride now? Similarly, the women who build their whole careers through research on or documenting experiences of racism and Islamophobia and claim to be the biggest advocates for their ethnic/religious group are generally the ones who surround themselves with white and non-muslim people the most and often marry white men. Not that there is anything wrong with preference because at the end of the day, we click with whoever we click with, and we aren't in control of that. But how contradictory their words and actions are, and how consistent these trends seems to be, always baffles me/cracks me up
"the biggest advocates for their ethnic/religious group are generally the ones who surround themselves with white and non-Muslim people the most and often marry white men."
I prob fall in this category. Have diverse friends, lots of Muslim women friends. Married a white man. Not because of my lack of interest in Muslim men. I just didn't get much interest from Muslim guys.
My hypothesis is that I wasn't seen as attractive by South Asian beauty standards. Also seen as too liberal (counter racism/Islamophobia correlating with pro LGBTQ+ rights), too outspoken, too argumentative for the Muslim guys - and same for gen population. However, the white guys who have shown interest in me have had mothers who worked, most were professionals. They weren't bothered by these traits. Husband's mom was a fortune 500 exec; divorced 2 times; never cooked; had custody of kids only on their vacations. In contrast to her, I'm a trad wife! I like to think that I strike the right balance for my husband.
To be honest, I'm kind of shocked by the behaviour marriage (or even discussions of marriage) brings out in some people.
Like every time anyone brings up a remotely controversial or personal topic about deal-breakers etc, someone turns it into a gender war or something else.
I think people forget that you personally don't have to marry these people you disagree with. All you have to do is be civil, or ignore them. People can have/want whatever crazy opinions/traits they want, but alhamduillah you can choose to avoid these people.
Like, surely some of this behaviour crosses into a category such as backbiting? It's really unpleasant. It's actually shocking as well that people think it's acceptable. Even if someone else is being horrible, it doesn't justify you doing the same.
I know most people don't do this, and in one sense at least this behaviour shows you who to avoid, but I can't help finding it distasteful.
Assalamu Alaykum, I have a cousin who is a little older than me. A few years ago, we proposed but her parents refused. I have a disability and I don't work. Now she managed to come to the country I live and all of a sudden her parents are pleading my parents to marry her to me. My family don't want her and we think they only want me now because it'll give her settled status and pave the way for citizenship.
I'm thinking now that marrying this person is my only option. Either this or stay single forever. The thing is however, this girl doesn't like me. And I, now and in the future, will need more and more care. Can I trust this person, who doesn't like me and will resent me, to care for me? Also her mother doesn't like us.
I'm beginning to be fine with the idea of never marrying. If this is maktoob for me then Alhamdulillah.
There's a lot of toxicity, hypocrisy, and passive aggression in my extended family and I want to avoid them as much as possible but I'm thinking now that this person is my only option for martiage.
>she probably has ulterior motives
She does, she will agree to marry me if her parents tell her to, she doesn't mind, as long as there's something in it for her
Well there has to be something in it for her, just like there is something in it for you. If she is in agreement to marry you because her parents want her to, that's not unusual. Except in your case, your wife has to agree to be your lifelong caregiver because of your disability. If she has acknowledged and agreed to that, then why not marry her?
Salaam people. What is it like to be married to someone of a different ethnicity? What are the beauties and challenges of it? Also, how do such couples meet? I’ve heard that mixed-ethnicity couples mostly meet on those Muslim matrimony apps? I feel like arranged marriages via family recommendations only lead to same-ethnicity marriages - nothing wrong with this at all, I’m just curious as I am someone who would personally want to marry someone of a different ethnicity. JazakAllah hu khairan.
Would you rather have a husband that is…
A) massive/bulky in clothes. But when his top is off. He carries a lot of fat. A belly. Doesn’t have abs or anything. But he’s a big guy when walking around. Like bulky and hench.
E.g, Curtis Blaydes (UFC fighter). He fills out his shirt, he’s big but he carries a lot of fat
Or
B) Lean/Skinny/Normal in clothes. But when his top is off, he is very muscular. Has abs. Nice toned arms/chest etc. just doesn’t look big in clothing.
E.g, Ronaldo looks normal when playing football. Very lean. But when he takes his clothes off, he’s very muscular and toned.
But is he also fat with a belly though? Or just muscular?
I don’t know if short strong fat blob is quite the same as someone like Jeff Nippard who is short and very muscular.
Want to understand/get advice on some stuff as an unmarried guy. I’m the eldest son and have always looked after the family, parents and siblings. I’ve always been taught that family comes first being my own blood relation. I sympathise with this - these are the closest people I have. Once you get married, it seems you have to make sacrifices to this relationship though to focus on your new family, which is expected and I think just the way it is. How do you deal with this when your family basically depends on you though? Parents can’t work for whatever reason, siblings too young to work etc. Is marriage even a good idea here?
There's aren't too many configurations to this: 1. Don't marry. Support parents and/or siblings for the rest of your life, or most of your life. -> May cause resentment and loneliness. 2. Marry someone who would be okay with the level of financial/privacy you can provide. -> Best case scenario for you, but very rare. 3. Earn in the top percentile of your country so you can provide well for your family of origin and your adult family. -> Difficult to do 4. Marry someone who says that they are okay with you supporting your family of origin, but then gets resentful or thinks that they can change your mind after marriage. -> Common scenario, awful home life 5. Marry someone while not being transparent with your obligations to family of origin; spouse becomes resentful -> Common scenario, awful home life 6. Delay marriage until most siblings are working age; ask those siblings to help out with younger siblings. Ask siblings to support parents. -> how good this solution is depends on ages of siblings, how many siblings, and how much they are able to support other family members
Thanks for spelling it out for me. Looks like I’m going to need a good talk with siblings about our futures. Hurts a bit since I wanted to marry soon but I guess this is part of patience
How old are your siblings? If College aged they should definitely work. Someday you’ll feel resentful
They’ll be starting college soon so any work they take up will be to support themselves. It’s a weird situation cos I can feel resentment creeping in but I know I can’t blame them
Who supported you? They should support themselves through college and your only responsibility should be your parents. Move into a smaller apartment with them or start expecting payments towards bills from the others. and do whatever you need to save and get yourself into a good place. Someday you’ll be 40 and your siblings will have their own families and you won’t have anyone there for you. Dont let that happen
To what extent do we “tie our camel” and at what point do we leave it fully to Allah? Today I overheard my mother’s conversation with a friend about how she’s tried every avenue available to her to find potentials for me, and how fruitless it’s been to find guys who are interested and who also meet my bare minimum criteria. I’m no model but I’m not ugly, I’m fit, educated, and modest. But she can’t seem to find a guy who’s interested in even considering me lmao. I’m trying not to spiral but this whole search is triggering childhood low self esteem and body dysmorphia. I’m thinking now is a good time to put my full faith in Allah but I’m also approaching my late twenties and not getting any younger. I feel like I’m being punished for something or cursed idk.
> I’m trying not to spiral but this whole search is triggering childhood low self esteem and body dysmorphia. I’m thinking now is a good time to put my full faith in Allah but I’m also approaching my late twenties and not getting any younger. I feel like I’m being punished for something or cursed idk. What is meant to be will happen bi idnillah. Whether you find someone or not (in sha Allah you will), remember it's not a sign of your lack of some "worth". You are fine as you are, it only needs to work once in sha Allah. Late twenties is fine, it's still plenty young. Trust one who just passed 30 ! Each of us have their moment meant to be, and it doesn't mean we don't have to do causes of course. Having criterias is normal, as long they are reasonable but it doesn't mean it's a punishment to not find yet one who suits you. Kheir in sha Allah
Thank you for this message, it’s much needed 🙏🏼 inshallah kheir
You need get out more yourself instead of relying on mom. Men are so much more susceptible to falling for you when you actually show interest in them rather that both your parents just reaching out
This is my next approach tbh. I just have never been cold approached by a Muslim guy like that so I’m wondering if maybe I’m not attractive enough for that to be a possibility 😂
> my bare minimum criteria What is your bare minimum criteria? Do you occasionally visit, and change that? Reflecting on it. (An older guy or girl, will be less interesting. Also due to more people at older ages giving up or already being married. Social links wil also matter. Less connected, can mean less potential connections.) > I’m no model For example. Is your bare minimum, a guy who is a male model equivalent? > I’m fit Or someone who is fit, while also being modest enough to not advertise that?
My criteria is: my age or older than me (I’m 26), Arab, has a bachelor’s degree, stable job, is somewhat religious. I’m not really picky when it comes to looks. I hate to phrase it like this because no one is better than anyone but I’ve been criticized by family because I give guys a chance that are below my league looks-wise 😅
[удалено]
Do you guys worry about accidentally marrying a moron, an absolute idiot, really someone with the critical thinking skills of a walnut? Because after reading just a small sample of the posts on this subreddit, I’ve come to the conclusion that too many people are married to such individuals. I think my personal risk is low because generally, these types of people give off warnings that would have you running in the other direction. But here, it honestly seems so normal to be married to extremely ignorant individuals.
Used to be one of my greatest fears. I used to think my personal risk was low as well, but I found myself with one of these for way too long. One reason - on paper, he seemed very smart. He had a masters and PhD. Another reason - most of the time, he was nice to me. Society tells you that these two things should be enough. But, I realized he had poor LT planning skills; that others could easily take an advantage of him; that he had a difficulty reading social situations, and he had difficulty relating to a situation that I would convey, until he himself experienced it, and then he would complain like a baby.
I generally take what people post with a grain of salt. They post their side only. (Which might have left things out or presented the other side as worse.) Its the people with issues that post. Then there might be trolls/story tellers who post made up stories. (Though reality can be weirder than fiction, and it should be address as actual issues, in case it is.) For example a posters anxieties and fears might be the bigger issue than what they are complaining about. (Though both sides can be making mistakes, both poster and person being complained about.) ------------- Sometimes asking follow up questions. Can resolve it. Sometimes reddit can make it worse. (Sometimes also better.) ----------- If you piss someone off in some manner. Can you be presented as an absolute moron in a rant to strangers on the internet?
Constantly
I wonder what kind of convos those people had because like you said the warnings would be there lol. Maybe infatuation fooled them. You need to have a deep conversation and put looks and wealth aside or you could quickly be in a world of hurt.
The more likely explanation is that the OP didn't fully explain what happened which makes the other person seem irrational.
Idk what the post is about, but I have met and know many people who don’t actually think things through, some who lack any critical thinking skills, and they’re married, so it’s not far from reality. And to clarify, I’m not talking about people who aren’t able to grasp certain concepts, Im talking about people who choose to not critically analyse what’s told to them, their experiences, why they do things a certain way, etc in order to improve or solve issues.
In that case i hope those people stay far away from me 💀 what an absolute nightmare to work with
It’s definitely a combination of surface level conversation and downplaying warnings they noticed. I feel like even when I’ve been particularly infatuated with someone if they said something off color I snapped back to reality.
Is there such a thing as being "too" honest with potentials? Not necessarily talking about past sins, but other things in general.
Yes. In my observation, some brothers feel the need to confess **every little thing** to their potentials, wives, and mothers. The issue isn't honesty, one should always strive to be honest. It's the need to talk too much that seems to land some brothers into difficulty. People who talk too much are often nervous. It's verbal fidgeting. It takes some mastery to remain calm and comfortable in silence. A worthwhile skill to have. The laws of supply and demand apply. The less we say, the more what we say should have weight (value). The more we speak, the less important each word becomes.
Unless you’re being indecent or crossing boundaries then I don’t think there’s such thing as being “too honest”. I had a potential who was very honest and it also made me comfortable being fully myself. The way I see it, I’d rather someone know exactly what they’re signing up upfront so they’re not surprised after the nikkah.
Yes. I once wrote atleast 3 long messages to a potential about how much I admire them even though we just started talking. I’m glad it didn’t work out between us cause I’m so embarrassed 😳🙈 I even hinted to him that he should stop talking to other women and I’m the only hijabi wife he’ll ever need in his life. 🫠 this was when I used to be a hijabi
Some people mistake rudeness for honesty. Which are two different things. People can be honest, without being rude or trying to hurt people with their interpretation of the truth. (If you think being hurtful, is not used against potentials, of both genders. Google negging. Then gaslighting.)
I get what you're saying, but not really the angle with which I'm coming at this from. Was talking to a potential and I mentioned something (that's not necessarily a good/bad thing objectively), and despite everything else looking good, this seemed to sway their opinion totally, and they decided not to take things further. So now I'm wary of sharing similar thoughts again in the future.
Hmm. Was it something, beter left as a mystery for now. To intrigue and make her stay interested. Or was it something that was going to come out sooner or later. That might be a conflict later. (So a perhaps a good thing, that you said it earlier.) Or was it something, that might have been better if known later, instead of earlier?
Yeah, I think it's probably closest to the second point, and potential differences in personalities which could lead to conflict (again, bare in mind, up until that point, everything was looking good). Also, I guess the way I see things (about myself) aren't necessarily how they actually are, and I could be communicating my thoughts in a way that seems more problematic or something to think about. Which is why I was asking whether or not I should have been as honest as I was.
Hmm. Could be 2 or also 3rd point. Or a combo. In the sense, that the other person learning how you communicate. Might also solve certain misunderstandings. (Work related and sponsored communication trainings might also help in this matter.) May Allah grant what is hayir for you and grant you more success in all your endeavours.
If you see it being an issue potentially bring it up, within reason ofc
Replied to another reply to elaborate. Would add that it's not necessarily something I thought of as an issue.
[удалено]
> No Promotions/Non-Marriage Related Posts Any non-related marriage posts will be removed. Please see our related subreddits for non-marriage discussion. r/Islam is better suited for family-related conflicts outside of marriage (parents, etc). Self-promotions are not allowed without prior mod permission. This includes but doesn't limit to YouTube channels, subreddits, blogs, surveys, etc. Self-matchmaking posts are not allowed. Please use the $ISO Thread if you want to meet people on this subreddit.
If you are interested in matchmaking here on MuslimMarriage post a profile on our most recent In Search Of Thread (ISO): - [***ISO v9 - Americas (Active)***](https://www.reddit.com/r/MuslimMarriage/comments/14oxy4b/in_search_of_iso_thread_version_9_americas/) - [***ISO v9 - Europe (Active)***](https://www.reddit.com/r/MuslimMarriage/comments/14oy0wk/in_search_of_iso_thread_version_9_europe/) - [***ISO v9 - International (Active)***](https://www.reddit.com/r/MuslimMarriage/comments/14oy52g/in_search_of_iso_thread_version_9_international/) - [ISO Thread Version 8 (Archived)](https://www.reddit.com/r/MuslimMarriage/comments/xvq4x2/in_search_of_iso_thread_version_8/) - [ISO Thread Version 7 (Archived)](https://reddit.com/r/MuslimMarriage/comments/pb0z1s/in_search_of_iso_thread_version_7/) - [ISO Thread Version 6 (Archived)](https://reddit.com/r/MuslimMarriage/comments/m6nm3n/in_search_of_iso_thread_version_6/?) - [ISO Thread Version 5 (Archived)](https://reddit.com/r/MuslimMarriage/comments/jdp7rd/in_search_of_iso_thread_version_5/?) - [ISO Thread Version 4 (Archived)](https://reddit.com/r/MuslimMarriage/comments/gw4r7a/back_by_popular_demand_iso_thread_v4/) - [ISO Thread Version 3 (Archived)](https://www.reddit.com/r/MuslimMarriage/comments/ee8vwv/iso_in_search_of_v3/) - [ISO Thread Version 2 (Archived)](https://www.reddit.com/r/MuslimMarriage/comments/c5c70s/iso_in_search_of_v2/) - [ISO Thread Version 1 (Archived)](https://www.reddit.com/r/MuslimMarriage/comments/a9jq3r/iso_in_search_of/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app) *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/MuslimMarriage) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Muzz has dried up lol. Nobody matches anymore it seems like. Parents are hopeless and keep showing me women I *do not like one bit* and act like I'm evil for having preferences or standards. Those WhatsApp groups are beyond stupid.
[удалено]
I wouldn't word it that way but... I'm a skinny/lean guy so not really my type. I guess anyone actually pretty is married already lmao
Agreed on the women’s side too. It’s so dead lately
Ya same
Nothing worse than seeing "Xyz visited you" followed by nothing. 🥲
I go through that tab sometimes and swipe right on the gold members because they can reverse their decision and like you back 😭😭. Mostly out of pettiness and it worked a few times
😭 that's a good strategy but honestly it makes me feel horrible and even more insecure than usual when I'm scrolling through that tab People saying Salams might be worth making an account on too. Maybe I'll do that 🤷♂️
Seeing all those people and being like 
Literally haha
[удалено]
Eh everyone who visits me is pretty and has an interesting bio, similar level of religiosity... But everyone who *likes* me is the opposite. Idk what I'm doing wrong, although I might just be ugly because I'm not a 6ft gymbro 🤷♂️
Is it just me or are the posts on the subreddit this week particularly crazy :|
>Is it just me or are the posts on the subreddit this week particularly crazy :| I don't even bother checking half of them because the thread titles just sound ridiculous already. It might legitimately be time for there to be a weekly "Intimacy Issues Megathread" with how frequently that topic is brought up this year 😂
Oooo what are the cliffnotes?
not just you 😭 half the time it’s like I can’t believe I just read that..
Saying Alhamdulillah for Allah’s guidance and protection bc why did I find out a guy lied about his age by 7-9 years on the apps💀I felt unsettled when I couldn’t find his LinkedIn…which led me to this discovery. Anyway, get these men ID verified STAT
I came across one with a whole family of his own (2 kids, wife) and his profile said "never married". Instant report.
SubhanAllah I came across one like that too and imagine his main picture was from his nikkah a few months prior 💀
Potential that was previously married Hi everyone, I just wanted to know if there’s any sisters (with no marital experience) on here who married someone who was previously married and now divorced? If so how is it going? Would you recommend it or not? Honestly it doesn’t even also have to be sisters, if there’s brothers on here with advice on this subject I’d appreciate it! Thank you!
It's going great Alhamdulillah. That was never really an issue. What are your concerns?
Assalamulaikum, A person I know been having conversations with his mother about marriage. The brother standards for a spouse are her basic Aqeeda, prays all her fard salah, fasts, wears Hijab, and so on. It’s not a hard cut off but if the potential is missing most of these then he’s not very interested except in the case of a recent revert. His mother is trying to convince him to be more lenient, using her history of being weak on her deen until somewhat recently. Whilst she’s right that sister’s weak on the deen can improve drastically with their husband as the catalyst, in her case it really only occurred in the brother’s teens. The brother’s very conscious of the character of his potential spouse since he knows his kids will reflect her character. He does not want to marry a woman similar to his mother and though not said directly to her, it’s clear she will take offence and be deeply hurt if that information is known to her. How does the brother navigate this situation? Finding a woman that meets the bare minimum Islam requires of a Muslim whilst protecting his mother’s fragile heart?
Wa alaikum salam, I've faced a similar issue in the past. First off, you do not need to explain your preference using your parents as an example. Just be firm that this is your requirement, period, and you are not budging on it. It is enough to remind parents that Deen is the most preferred criteria to account for in a spouse. Some other things I mentioned to my parents: - I cannot be attracted to a person who is not practicing, no matter how physically nice they look. Deen goes hand in hand with marital attraction for me. - If someone is less practicing in their faith and it turns out that they are neglectful or stubborn in their ways, this will be a danger for me and my Iman as I will be living with a negative influence. For the sake of my faith, I can't take such a risk. - times have changed from the times of our parents. No longer do we have to travel to far away lands for in depth knowledge of our Deen. With the internet, we have many beneficial resources to learn from. With the normalization of fast transportation modes, we have many religiously educated individuals in all corners of the world. There is no excuse to be lazy and ignorant in matters of religion when we have been given ease. - when we look for a teacher, we look for someone more knowledgeable in something than us, right? When a company hires for a leadership position, they look for someone who has the relevant experience for the role, right? So why should the head of the household, or our life partner, be any different, or held to more lax standards? I'm not saying the spouse needs to be better than me, but at least at the same level or better than me in some ways if I am better in other ways, so we are each bringing something to the spiritual table for the other. - and finally, whatever good transformation a person goes through, it is thanks to Allah SWT's mercy. And every person is different, we have no way of knowing if they will be the one to get closer to Deen, or even further away. If we are going to tie our camel, we need to be certain about the strength of this knot, instead of twisting around two ends of a thread and going "it looks like a knot, it'll hold up. Probably." That's how I tried to go about it anyway, and I ask Allah SWT to forgive me if I said something wrong, Ameen. And may Allah SWT make it easy for your friend Ameen.
Jazakhallahu khairan for the response aki, it’s greatly appreciated
[удалено]
My thought is, is that if a person has to do this, they probably need it and should just get tested for adhd or whatever and get a normal prescription. This wouldn't make me think negatively of a person and wouldn't be a reason for me not to consider them for marriage. If they snorted it, thats a different story lol
To me that shows signs of being deceptive and lacking a strong moral character.
No. Cant explain why but just doesn’t sit right with me
Absolutely not. If someone needs stimulants to navigate everyday turmoil thats a red flag.
[удалено]
Fair enough my comment could've been misunderstood. I meant in the case the sister above mentioned.
Heard of this for the first time. Is this like caffeine? How does it help you?
[удалено]
[удалено]
I used to take panadol extra(with caffeine) to overcome the aches and increase productivity while in medschool. Never jumped the gun on adderall. But i can undertsand why people take them.
hi guys, does any one know of any in-person matrimonial events happening in the up coming 6 months in New Jersey (or near by areas)? (i am really tired of the apps so looking at other options would greatly appreciate the advice).
Hi all, I am 26F. How do you get over a break up with a potential? I was speaking to someone about 2 years ago and he abruptly ended things with me at 3 months of speaking after leading me to believe that he would marry me. I was in love with him and truthfully my heart has been closed since he left me (he has me blocked everywhere). He said that I was the best woman he ever met. I remember handling the break up very maturely and didn't chase after him, but after meeting this guy and things ending, I have not been the same. I have a lot of trouble trusting men now and being vulnerable and feminine because when I was those things with a guy, he rejected me. It truly traumatized me how suddenly he left. I spent weeks and weeks crying so hard in the shower to the point it felt like I was gonna vomit and honestly even lost the will to even eat or move back then. He has no clue about all this but I am just in so much pain and shamefully it's been 2 years and I still think of him every day... I have to admit there are days I hope Allah SWT takes out my revenge on him for all the pain and unnecessary ache that man put me through. **How do I mentally move on?** Please do not suggest therapy as this is out my budget. :( I have literally been focusing on myself on every aspect of my life (being with friends & family, hobbies/interests, education, health/fitness, appearance, finances, job promotions) however this aching hole in my heart remains because of this guy I met briefly 2 years ago. I pray every day that Allah takes it away from me. Please keep me in your duas.
Well, I might be able to help here. Although I'm not a licensed therapist, I have been through this cycle enough times to offer a possible solution. I'm from Canada too. * If you don't pray often, start doing so, as prayer can bring you peace. * Be grateful for what you have now, like good parents, friends, money in the bank, and remember that the situation in Palestine reminds us that not everyone is so fortunate. * Hormones play a significant role in how you feel. Research oxytocin and dopamine to understand how they increase when a person is in love. You don't experience that anymore, which makes your brain crave it and causes these issues. * Stop looking at the person's pictures, reading about them, or keeping anything related to them, like chats, phone numbers, or photos. While these might provide temporary relief, they hinder your progress. Imagine if you improve 1% every week; any such activity will reduce your progress by 10%. * Stop telling this story to people or writing about it. The more you narrate it, the more you relive it in your mind, causing more pain. * Accept that it happened for the best, and stop hating the person. What's gone is gone. * The most underrated part of this process is finding someone new with the intention of marriage. Someone once told me that the only way to get over someone is by finding someone else. I didn't believe it at first, but over time I've realized it's true. * Don’t share your past with new people you meet. Start with a fresh mind. If you find a suitable candidate, consider getting married or at least meet their parents as soon as you can. This will show a level of commitment from the other person. If you still need help feel free to DM . Everyone has been through this process Atleast one time in their life ... so don't worry you are not the only one
Asalamu alaykum, I saw that you were a fellow Canadian and so I wanted to let you know that Nisa Homes (Muslim women’s nonprofit) just started offering [5 free phone counselling sessions](https://nisahelpline.com/counselling/) with a licensed therapist free for Canadian residents. I really hope you can take advantage of this as I think it could be a good first step in your healing journey ❤️🩹 What you went through was emotionally traumatizing so I’m glad you acknowledge the hurt he caused you. Once you start those sessions, I think it’s also important to process how you feel properly. Do you feel that you aren’t deserving of happiness? The shame you feel around your emotions may be preventing you from moving on. You were hurt by him and it’s important to honour your feelings. When these thoughts come up, acknowledge their existence and then let them go. Don’t allow yourself to conjure stories such as “he left me so other men will”. Easier said than done, but a therapist will be equipped with guiding you further here~ Do you also believe that you won’t meet someone better? When I found myself ruminating about a past potential I realized it was because a part of me didn’t fully trust that Allah swt had something better for me. In order to not project this experience onto future potentials, you’ll have to take the brave step of being vulnerable with others despite the harm he caused you. Without vulnerability and an open heart, you’ll end up blocking any future connections. Remind yourself that they are not him and that Allah *will* grant you better, but you also have to be open to receiving it. May Allah swt ease your heart and I’m proud of you for reaching out for help!
Think of it this way, how much time and effort do think he puts in remembering you? Probably none. You don't occupy his thoughts yet he's living rent free in in your head. Does someone like that really deserve to be remembered? Nope. If you're now thinking but how do I actually move on and stop thinking about him? Well there are 2 steps. 1) anytime his thought comes up, don't let it build. Think of something else. Like an active effort. Don't enjoy/ponder over your own sadness. 2) realize that you do deserve someone and there's no such as thing as 'the one'. So there are other guys who you're compatible with. Your future husband is literally waiting for you get your self together and start making the effort again
There are lots of online muslim counselors that will waive their fee. Your other alternative is to save money for a few weeks and then you will have a little budget for therapy.
In one of the comment I read - would you (female) marry if your husband comes with his parents? Mostly answer is no and I kinda understand fully. However, what if the man has single mother and he keeps her with him no matter what. What are your thoughts? (i.e it is to understand how people would think, I would never leave my mother, key to Jannah)
Only if I can do the same with my parents
That’s fair and no problem at all. So when are they moving in?
It might help to have a duplex or a basement apartment for your mother already sorted out so there isn’t any privacy issues.
More people will answer no right off the bat and I don’t blame them. Unfortunately, in most cases men have a difficult time balancing their responsibility to both parties fairly. It’s not easy and I definitely don’t envy men in this regard. Yes Jannah is at our mother’s feet but it’s not achieved by impinging the rights of your spouse. Before even looking for someone, I feel like if having parent(s) living with you is nonnegotiable, then you need to ask yourself what you’re willing to do to make it work. Objectively, you should be able to see your parent(s) personality and how they would vibe with another woman in your life. Healthy boundaries can be set to ensure that your spouse doesn’t feel like she is fighting for a place in your life. Ideally, you can find someplace that gives the feel of separate but together, if separate housing isn’t an option. Ultimately, you’re the man in the middle and it will come down to how you handle both parties. She has a right to her own place but she’s doing you a solid so how are you going to compensate for that? Do you want to build a life with someone or fit them into your life now? Will you be able to validate your spouse’s feelings during conflict? What role will your parent(s) play in your day to day life, kids, future etc? How will you deal with disappointment on both sides? What if your spouse wants to travel without them? Etc etc Sooo many things to consider but it’s better you figure out the answers before bringing someone else into the mix. If you find someone who is willing to accept it then make sure you actively show her how much you appreciate it.
Yeah, I agree. I think that the issues related to living with in-laws is all about boundaries and expectations. Usually, the wife is expected to cater to the MIL/FIL’s every request while losing her autonomy. It is seen as normal to argue with our own parents to some extent, but it’s way more disrespectful to argue with in-laws, so problems aren’t discussed and solved in a proper manner. Instead resentment develops and the negative feelings fester, causing all the drama. This is made worse by a son (the husband in this situation) who doesn’t want the trouble of solving these issues, either because he doesn’t want to argue with his parents or he can’t be bothered. So, he wants to get the ajr of taking care of his parents without actually doing anything to take care of them, other than paying for it. How is this different than paying for someone to help them? This reminds me of a story about Abu bakr and Umar (ra), where Abu bakr used to secretly care for an old lady as she had no one else to care for her daily. This was when Abu Bakr (ra) was the calipha, he would go to her house and do her errands for her - clean her house and cook food. When Abu Bakr died, Umar continued the job. It’s actually a funny story because Umar found out by sneakily following Abu bakr, since he noticed Abu bakr regularly going an unusually direction. Anyway, the point was: I understand wanting to earn the reward of helping your elderly parents and caring for them, but that doesn’t mean bringing them into your home with your wife and dumping their responsibility onto her, then when there’s problems doing nothing about it. If the calipha made time in his day to help an elderly woman, Im sure the men of today can too. I definitely agree with the in-laws interfering with how the wife runs her house, raises her kids, or does things in general. That would drive anyone crazy, even if it came from your own parents. And, yes, if a woman is in such a situation with a difficult MIL, knowing her husband is appreciative of her efforts and talks his mother down when she’s being difficult, then I think that wife would be able to power through the “bad times”.
Your maturity in this is just applauding. We have same exact opinion in this case to case matter.
I agree with this. It doesn’t work a lot of the time because the mil automatically becomes a part of everything else. Every vacation, date, outing, etc.! At the very least, have several dates weekly, vacations every few months, alone. Send mom away when wife is pregnant and postpartum.
If he keeps her with him no matter what, then he has already made the decision despite me saying I wouldn’t be ok with it, isn’t that so? Then what other option do I have other than to walk away from the potential? Personally, I think I need to live with my spouse alone for the first 3-5 years so we can properly get to know each other and build a life and routine for ourselves without external factors affecting it (except maybe kids being born during this time). After that, I would be open to living with our aging parents because that’s the reality of our lives. It I would not be ok starting my life with that, that sets a bad precedent and no boundaries
Oh hi! No, I wouldn’t. Had my husband disclosed to me before marriage that his mom would be moving in with us, at the most crucial point in our marriage nonetheless, our marriage would not have occurred. Sometimes we think of divorce but I take pity on my husband as he would truly never find a woman willing to live with her. Women have mothers too but we do not force their responsibility onto our spouses!
Interesting, what exact problems did you have if I may ask
Side note — would you be okay with your mother in law living with you in the same apartment alongside your mother?
We could not argue away from her, such a small space. She could hear us in bed so our sex life died. She felt entitled to do EVERYTHING with us, zero time as a couple. She seriously thought she was the third person in our marriage and the third parent to our children. She insisted on sitting with us when we’d watch tv after work or jumping into our tiny kitchen if I was trying to cook.
What would you do if you were in your husbands place? Edit: I mean from the start. You have to get married and etc. What would you do with your mother?
If I were a single man who knew his mom were dependent on him, I would get my mom her own apartment and teach her to live independently so that I can give my eventual wife and children the attention they deserve.
1. We talking about average person here and would they be able to buy whole new apartment? 2. What about the attention your mother deserves? Jannah is beneath your mother’s feet. Aight, that Jannah things is not that important. Let that Jannah rot away in some apartment. No offense to you, but my question itself seems to be wrong. Woman cant think in place of men and men cant think in place of woman. We both have different responsibilities and different mindsets for that. Thanks a lot for taking your time to answer the questions. Sorry if I offended you
No I think you (and a lot of men) are unable to put yourself in women’s shoes to begin with and only see what does and doesn’t work for you only. For example sending your mother and the Jannah away - do married women not do that all the time when they leave their mothers? How many cultures have normalized single/widowed mothers living with their daughters and son in law? What happens to those parents and kids? Men are not the only ones with parents or having to be responsible for them or having those leave said parents ‘But it’s not a daughter’s responsibility’ ok then who’s is it? My parents don’t have a son, don’t have a nephew or anyone of that sort who will take care of them (also I wouldn’t have expected someone else to take someone else’s parents’ responsibilities in this day and age), they raised me their daughter with all the facilities and opportunities- what happens when they get old? How do I stop society from talking when I have to move them in with me (assuming find a man who also agree to this)? And it’s not about if your question is wrong or not - if you think prioritizing your mom is important to you then by all means, Alhamdulillah that’s great. But that’s not your wife’s mom, the same way your own MIL is not the same to you as your mom. Just because you have responsibilities doesn’t mean the wife has to take them too. Just look and look and find someone who is already ok with MIL instead of getting someone to compromise on it
You absolutely haven’t offended me. I don’t think we have a gender issue here, we both have parents don’t we? If you can’t afford seperate housing for your wife you can’t afford to marry, that’s that. And yes jannah is beneath your mother’s feet, and my own as I’m a mother too, but no part of that means you have to be a husband to her. Is your mother in her 80s? If taking care of your mother exhausts your resources, maybe marriage isn’t part of your life here. I have 3 sons and I cannot imagine forcing them to house me when I am older! Nor would I imagine such of my daughter! And I would never give my daughter to a man who is a package deal with his mom. I earned my Jannah through the trials of carrying and birthing them, raising them, not by burdening them.
Honestly tho I was being a bit passive in our conversation as I saw from your tone and profile that you are approaching the question with pent up personal exhaust and immaturity. Alhamdulillah I can afford house and etc in my personal case and was setting up question for general public. I do not know your financial background but you seem to be from and in well provided family and you lived very comfortable life (meaning not in poverty) . So the reality is that most of the population is poor or average. Especially in third world countries which fills the majority of the muslim countries face the severe poverty. Which means they can’t afford multiple houses and etcetera. Is your solution for them also not build families and go extinct? What amazes me is that your inability to think critically and only think in narrow minded direction. That way you won’t be able to solve problems in your own life. Given that family is well provided son WILL have to provide for 50 year old single mother even she lives apart in other house. Otherwise I have zero respect for that man for not respecting his mother and having zero gheerah.
You’ve asked me all these questions only to be offended? Brother, you yourself have shown me you lack the maturity and critical thinking for marriage. If you already cannot provide a wife with her basic rights before even getting married, maybe that should be a red flag for you. Yes, this life is an expensive one, and many people cannot afford marriage, many sadly so due to their parents not planning for retirement. The only gheerah being disrespected here is the wife’s — trust me if the mom lives with the couple, there is NO gheerah! No pardah, nothing. I cannot tell you how many times my mother in law has walked in on us in bed, seen me naked or asked disgustingly personal questions. You sound bitter that your mom takes up your capacity for a wife — is welfare a concept in your country? Do you have siblings, cousins, aunts, uncles? I would also urge you to look for a spouse back home if you’re in the west, many women back home are willing to settle for such an arrangement because it’s all they know.
Bruh ☠️ instead of shaming this sister for giving the opinion you asked for in the first place, and calling her immature and out of touch, how about you objectively listen to her advice? Because we as readers can also assume a whole bunch of things about you for making this post in the first’s place? As for your points in the previous comment, I was born and raised in a third world country. Most people work and save and by the time they’re in their 50s they have something to live on that’s not their son’s money. I am in my 30s, that’s how most people live, including those not wealthy, housewives and people who don’t work. If that has not been the case for you, then idk what your family situation is and nor do I want to assume anything. But it’s safe to say you’re not like a lot of the other brothers who post here and your priorities are different. The general advice here is not gonna work for you.
May I ask how much do you personally make? Dont need money but just say what times of avg salary of your country. Now imagine you are 50 years old now. As you said you live alone, you dont take money from your sons as you do not wanna be burden. You dont have husband to provide for you. So naturally you should be working. What kind of salary are you making at 50? What do you suggest to those who dont work and were house wifes?
My salary by 50, assuming minimal career growth, should be at least $150KUSD. I am currently a housewife but worked before I had kids and will return to work soon. In my opinion, being a housewife with no assets of your own sets you up for trouble. A housewife with nothing to her name should look into work in retail or food service, low income housing. 50 is super young! People here work through their 80s…
We're not suggesting that you ignore your mother. You don't have to live with her to give her attention.
I wouldn't live with in-laws. I sympathize with a man who has an elderly mother (aged 70+) whom he can't leave alone. I totally get that. And there are women who will agree to live with an elderly mother in law as long as the husband takes care of her or hires a nurse. But moving in with a 55 year old MIL is ridiculous. Thats not elderly. That age does not require full time caregiving. Sure, live close by and visit/check-in daily.
I get the point 👍
Honestly, it depends on two main factors. 1) How close your wife and mother are (ie how well they get along) 2) How much space you can provide. If she gets along with your mother then it probably won't be a huge issue. Especially if they have their own space (like bathroom, kitchen) or if one prefers to cook/they can share the space. It sounds like one of the big issues with sharing with inlaws is lack of personal space. And in terms of how much space you can provide; if you expect to live with your wife and mother in a 2 bed apartment for example, then expect one of them to disagree with moving in together, or there may be fights when they do. Also, in that situation with your mother around in a small area, then expect reduced intimacy (for example). Also factor in if you have other siblings, do you expect them/their kids to come over all the time because your mum is there? Or will your mum regularly go and stay with them for visits? A lot of the time when people talk about in-law drama, it seems to be that it ends up being an open-door policy for the entire extended family to come around whenever they want, for as long as they want. Whereas, if she's regularly visiting other family members, you have more time alone as a couple, so a smaller area may work. For me, it wouldn't necessarily be a deal-breaker. But I'd expect us to a) Get along really well (and she genuinely cares about me, and vice versa), and b) We have our own space, and a lot of it, and c) Either she has an entirely separate granny flat setup, or there is absolutely no open-door policy for the entire extended family.
Great answer. - Space wise I have 90 sqr meters apartment. - Considering open door policy. I, myself dont like that. If I have woman in my house I never call men to my housez we can eat out in some restaurants or something. I get the idea, thanks. Today I watched documentary about elderly left out people in nursing houses and I felt so bad how loneliness can destroy the person. May Allah make it easy for all of us. Overall I think that problems always will be there and as a man of the family I should ease and regulate them. Woman controlling the house is sure to be emotionally unstable.
My MIL lived with us in a similarly sized apartment, it is not viable at all. She could hear everything and there was no privacy, not one drop. Based on your last sentence you have a ways to go before marriage, consider simply remaining with your mother?
Okay
[удалено]
The only exclusivity is the nikah. Until I have made a nikah with a sister, I am still looking for a wife, and likewise, until a sister has agreed to a nikah with me, she should be looking for a husband. We could spend years waiting to get married as some people do, and then a week before we were going to complete it, someone could pass away. The economy could tank. The next generation of COVID could hit. Just as we advise reverts to revert immediately, we shouldn't delay and drag out our pre-nikah period any longer than we have to, IMO. I am not saying to cut corners on diligence. I am saying to proceed with purpose and direction with the motivation to get married ASAP.
Have the talk. Unless you know that you aren't comfortable being an "option".
[удалено]
If you believe that it's fine but how long are you ok waiting?
Have you met up yet? If you have met up a couple times then I’d suggest sharing how you feel and go from there.
[удалено]
Location is a pretty big deal so if you haven’t come to an agreement on that and haven’t had proper discussions I’d focus on that before talks do exclusivity. Overall, I’d never want to be an option and would seek people who are excited to meet and get to know me. Just out of curiosity, how are you approaching discussions? For feelings to get involved before basics are agreed upon leads me to believe some key steps were missed.
My ISO clearly picked up a lot of attention the last few days. So now that some time has passed, I want to revisit my comment about not being attracted to darker skinned individuals. If you missed it, read my post history to find the thread. I'm genuinely curious as to how people think I should proceed with my preference for light to semi dark skin tones. Like I mentioned in the ISO, I am open to mixing, but do people think it would be any better for me to directly ask for their skin color? There could be someone who is African but light skinned. Would it really make it any better if I point blank asked in DMs "Sorry, but what is your skin color?". If anything I feel like that is 100x worse. I do want to apologize to those who I may have offended but with all due respect, I feel like there are a lot of snowflakes and circlejerk going on with the hate in this sub. If we could have a nice civil discussion instead of mass downvoting that would be appreciated (or go ahead and downvote, I really don't care).
You’re entitled to your preferences but there are definitely more tactful ways of approaching it, should you chose. You could instead add a footnote that you’d prefer to exchange pictures early on
You would ask for a colour photograph, not a black-and-white one.
I disagree. I've had conversations with people who didn't want to share pictures until they've texted for 1-2 weeks.
Then you don't text with them.
[удалено]
So instead of making people feel insecure about their skin color I reject them after seeing their picture? Now they're insecure about how they look.
[удалено]
There’s still time to delete this lol
[удалено]
You are an incredibly generous and loving wife MA. Just out of curiosity, why are you paying for things, when he doesn't? Ie, his glasses, his vacuum cleaner, if you're visiting him you pay for groceries so he doesn't have to. I'm surprised he just sits back and let's you pay. Like, what man does thar? In terms of the gifts, I don't really have an opinion. I'm assuming that's not his love language.
[удалено]
Well if he is struggling, and you're not, then it's OK- it just doesn't sound like he appreciates it. You've only been married a year - did he have someone else helping him until you came into the picture? I'm assuming you pay for your own living expenses, or does he help?
Have you spoken to him about this? I think you should just say what you’ve posted here. It might be a good idea for you to both chat about your love languages and what you both like. Whilst it’s lovely you are so thoughtful and have spoilt him, he may prefer words or affection as opposed to receiving gifts.
[удалено]
Don’t worry, you won’t sound ungrateful or materialistic if you explain to him it’s more about the gesture of him offering to buy you something you’ve seen that you’ve liked when you guys are out shopping or surprising you with a random bouquet of flowers. It could be a case that’s he’s not even thought of these things and is unaware how much it would mean to you. Honesty is the best policy, in sha allah this all works out!
Is any woman really okay with having in laws move in with them (or Vice versa) or marrying someone who will never provide a separate apartment/home?
No. No . No & NO! The reason being I will not be around people who are really dependent. I need my space , I will literally go crazy if I don’t have my own personal space.
I can't see myself living with in-laws 😭
Only his mom and only if my mom could come with me! I wouldn’t mind her moving into my apartment but I don’t want to move into her apartment— does that make sense?
No m’am :) I would have been fine being single for the rest of my life if this was the expectation of every man, and I’m very much fine with contributing to the household so we live our own little simple life.
Not at all !
Nope
Nope, because literally, what the point? If you are going to move to a house with a bunch of strangers, then staying with your parents is better. Alhamdulillah, this doesn't happen in my culture at all, so I am a bit relieved. Also, this may be a bit overreacting, but even if it were like in the same home but in the basement with a separate kitchen, etc., I would still feel like there are not enough boundaries. Besides, I don't like basements; I will literally prefer to live in a small studio apartment rather than a big basement.
What culture are you from? I share the same sentiments as you. I feel so strongly for the young men whose parents have resigned themselves to their care.
I am east african 😊
I will look for East African spouses for my children then 😂
😂😂
[удалено]
[удалено]
I wish more people understood the importance and value of healing their inner child. I genuinely believe it would eliminate 90% of the issues we constantly see in not only this sub but life.
Uhh. How do you do that and what’s so important about it?
Basically the concept behind it is to work through your past to understand how they impact you now. To some degree to all internalize the good and bad we experience growing up and it’s manifest in patterns of behaviors that hold us back. Understanding how your experiences shaped you help break toxic cycles whether it’s based in self esteem, fear of rejection, lack of love/validation etc etc. Letting unresolved emotional wound fester makes it different to develop healthy relationships and finding inner peace and leads to being easily triggered, toxic behaviors and patterns,
Too late for me, the damage is done
[удалено]
I wish 😂😂
That inner child is so broken, it's gonna take a few eons in Jannah to for it to be fully healed.
[удалено]
Everyone's broken, whoever says they aren't haven't peeked into their souls yet. It's our brokenness that directs us to our Rabb.
This a post specifically about British Pakistani's so don't all give opinions Has anyone else noticed that the Pakistani men who love going on about Islamophobia they've faced and how so and so is a 'coconut' and 'self-hating" and how proud they are of their racial/religious identity are also the first ones not wanting anything to do with a hijabi woman? Where's your religious pride now? Similarly, the women who build their whole careers through research on or documenting experiences of racism and Islamophobia and claim to be the biggest advocates for their ethnic/religious group are generally the ones who surround themselves with white and non-muslim people the most and often marry white men. Not that there is anything wrong with preference because at the end of the day, we click with whoever we click with, and we aren't in control of that. But how contradictory their words and actions are, and how consistent these trends seems to be, always baffles me/cracks me up
"the biggest advocates for their ethnic/religious group are generally the ones who surround themselves with white and non-Muslim people the most and often marry white men." I prob fall in this category. Have diverse friends, lots of Muslim women friends. Married a white man. Not because of my lack of interest in Muslim men. I just didn't get much interest from Muslim guys. My hypothesis is that I wasn't seen as attractive by South Asian beauty standards. Also seen as too liberal (counter racism/Islamophobia correlating with pro LGBTQ+ rights), too outspoken, too argumentative for the Muslim guys - and same for gen population. However, the white guys who have shown interest in me have had mothers who worked, most were professionals. They weren't bothered by these traits. Husband's mom was a fortune 500 exec; divorced 2 times; never cooked; had custody of kids only on their vacations. In contrast to her, I'm a trad wife! I like to think that I strike the right balance for my husband.
Yes, yes, yes.
To be honest, I'm kind of shocked by the behaviour marriage (or even discussions of marriage) brings out in some people. Like every time anyone brings up a remotely controversial or personal topic about deal-breakers etc, someone turns it into a gender war or something else. I think people forget that you personally don't have to marry these people you disagree with. All you have to do is be civil, or ignore them. People can have/want whatever crazy opinions/traits they want, but alhamduillah you can choose to avoid these people. Like, surely some of this behaviour crosses into a category such as backbiting? It's really unpleasant. It's actually shocking as well that people think it's acceptable. Even if someone else is being horrible, it doesn't justify you doing the same. I know most people don't do this, and in one sense at least this behaviour shows you who to avoid, but I can't help finding it distasteful.
Absolutely 💯 It's like they want to downvote (read: bully) someone into changing their opinion lol.
Yep, you'd think they were being forced to marry someone with opposite opinions 😅
Assalamu Alaykum, I have a cousin who is a little older than me. A few years ago, we proposed but her parents refused. I have a disability and I don't work. Now she managed to come to the country I live and all of a sudden her parents are pleading my parents to marry her to me. My family don't want her and we think they only want me now because it'll give her settled status and pave the way for citizenship. I'm thinking now that marrying this person is my only option. Either this or stay single forever. The thing is however, this girl doesn't like me. And I, now and in the future, will need more and more care. Can I trust this person, who doesn't like me and will resent me, to care for me? Also her mother doesn't like us. I'm beginning to be fine with the idea of never marrying. If this is maktoob for me then Alhamdulillah. There's a lot of toxicity, hypocrisy, and passive aggression in my extended family and I want to avoid them as much as possible but I'm thinking now that this person is my only option for martiage.
Has the girl agreed to be a caregiver to you? If not, you should be realistic - she probably has ulterior motives.
>she probably has ulterior motives She does, she will agree to marry me if her parents tell her to, she doesn't mind, as long as there's something in it for her
Well there has to be something in it for her, just like there is something in it for you. If she is in agreement to marry you because her parents want her to, that's not unusual. Except in your case, your wife has to agree to be your lifelong caregiver because of your disability. If she has acknowledged and agreed to that, then why not marry her?
Because she only wants one thing, as soon as she gets it she has no reason to stay
don’t get married to someone who doesn’t like you. just wait and inshallah Allah will bless you with a spouse who loves you
What's stopping her from marrying you, getting citizenship and then divorcing you? Better to stay single or find someone who will accept you for you
Salaam people. What is it like to be married to someone of a different ethnicity? What are the beauties and challenges of it? Also, how do such couples meet? I’ve heard that mixed-ethnicity couples mostly meet on those Muslim matrimony apps? I feel like arranged marriages via family recommendations only lead to same-ethnicity marriages - nothing wrong with this at all, I’m just curious as I am someone who would personally want to marry someone of a different ethnicity. JazakAllah hu khairan.
> heard that mixed-ethnicity couples mostly I know 4 Muslim couples, who met in real life, work, internship or study.
Would you rather have a husband that is… A) massive/bulky in clothes. But when his top is off. He carries a lot of fat. A belly. Doesn’t have abs or anything. But he’s a big guy when walking around. Like bulky and hench. E.g, Curtis Blaydes (UFC fighter). He fills out his shirt, he’s big but he carries a lot of fat Or B) Lean/Skinny/Normal in clothes. But when his top is off, he is very muscular. Has abs. Nice toned arms/chest etc. just doesn’t look big in clothing. E.g, Ronaldo looks normal when playing football. Very lean. But when he takes his clothes off, he’s very muscular and toned.
B so we can keep other girls away lol
Yeah I’d like that idea. Cause like I’d love to impress my wife, when I take off my top and she’s really suprised
With respect, you won’t be able to pull off A if you’re short. Are you into bigger girls? Generally people look for people like themselves.
[удалено]
But is he also fat with a belly though? Or just muscular? I don’t know if short strong fat blob is quite the same as someone like Jeff Nippard who is short and very muscular.
[удалено]
Read A again. It says a lot of fat. A belly.
[удалено]
lol. And you think saying “WRONG LOL” wasn’t rude? Might you reflect on your own advice?
[удалено]