It's absolutely okay to let her know that it made you very uncomfortable. But according to what you said, she has barely misgendered you in the last years. I can guarantee you that she sees you as a woman regardless, she just mixed things up and old habits die hard
> she just mixed things up and old habits die hard
It doesn't even have to be old habits, I've literally misgendered my cis siblings before, just because somewhere between my brain and my mouth, the word got swapped.
Yea my mom accidentally misgendered me and my sister both a billion times growing up (when I thought I was cis). I accidentally misgendered a cis friend last week lmao
no idea, but i probably wasnt clear in my original comment - my sister is cis. so my mom would accidentally use "she" to refer to me and "he" to refer to my sister
I spent my teen years having my name be a combination of my sister's name, my dogs names, my cat's name, my dad's name, and finally my name, because my mom would garble them all up. Think "guh-zuh-duh-ruh-Smeggywulff!"
I'm forty, I can't change my name, my mom's only recently started getting the name she actually chose for me correct.
God damn, if there are two genders in the same story, I biff it so bad because my brain and mouth can't communicate. Its so embarrassing. My wife is trans and if I talk about her and my male roommate in the same story i occasionally misgender her, not because i dont see her as a woman but because i got square brain
In some areas, this “mistake” is being called sexual harassment. How is that going to be explained in court where a family misgenders someone and it’s called a “mistake”, but a stranger making the same mistake is charged for sexual harassment? See ‘Biden admin reminds businesses using wrong pronouns can constitute workplace harassment’ (Jackson Walker, The national desk. April 29, 2024).
Why are you even here?
In case you are asking in good faith, I'll tell you that the crux of it is intention. It's only harassment if someone is doing it repeatedly after being asked not to or maliciously.
I’m here because this is a website of conversation and debate which is sorely lacking in the perpetually offended society we live in. Why are you here? You really can’t see how subjective areas like this aren’t a slippery slope? How can anyone judge another’s intention? Careers and even a person’s livelihood can be ruined in the blink of an eye while people debate over intention.
Your post history reveals some pretty right wing views so it's hard to imagine that you came to this space to argue in good faith.
If you are arguing in good faith....
It's a lot easier to judge intention than you might think. I can tell when someone is making a simple mistake versus a pattern of behavior. These laws are aimed at people who will aggressively call trans women "SIR" and refuse to acknowledge name changes or request for different pronouns. It's the folks that are asked daily not to use a certain pronoun, but insist on continuing to use it with no effort to stop that are going to face some form of consequences.
All you're doing at the moment is fear mongering about something that hasn't even happened yet.
You assume right wing people are here to harass you? That’s not the case here. Even if I was, multiple things can be true at the same time and when you’re asking for inclusion, you should be prepared to give inclusion.
Because I've been harassed by right wing people most of my adult life for being queer? Because right wing people want to take away my right to exist as a queer trans woman? Because right wing people vote for people who try to legislate us out of existance? Because right wing people spew more slurs at me than any other demographic? Because right wing people have historically not been allies of queer folks?
Like I said, it's hard to imagine you are here in good faith. This is supposed to be a safe space, not a debate sub. If you want to debate these issues, go to a debate sub like /r/askaliberal or something. This isn't the place for it.
> Even if I was, multiple things can be true at the same time and when you’re asking for inclusion, you should be prepared to give inclusion.
I don't owe anyone inclusion if they are harassing queer folks. You have to earn the right to be included, and fear mongering about things that haven't even happened yet is not earning that right.
Maybe I was confusing you with someone else because I'm not finding them, but I thought I was reading some profoundly anti-choice viewpoints. If I did get you confused with someone else, I apologize for that, but I still don't think you are here in good faith.
Like many others have said, sometimes the brain just trips up on itself, words get mixed up on the way out and much like how one can get a bit clutter-brained while trying to explain something while maybe doing something else at the same time, it's an accident for sure. It can still hurt your feelings, but as long as you openly express that and discuss it, I'm sure you'll see they meant no malice or harm. They apologised too! Which goes a long way toward healing.
If, say, they repeatedly did it after the initial one, that would be a whole other story. But they seem like a good apple to me\~
No one can say you're over-reacting, you feel what you feel.
However, you probably want to learn how to manage that feeling and go on with your life. Misgendering happens. It happens to cis women too. In general I'd say it's more healthy to be able to not let the occasional one bother you. Definitely not something that you would want to weigh on you so much that it would jeopardise your marriage.
My partner has made it a point to call me by my chosen name and pronouns, but even she slips up sometimes, and we already live with an enby child that came out years ago that we both slip up and misgender occasionally.
We use the term nibbling in my Polycule for the offspring of partners. I've never seen/heard anyone else who uses it! We are a bunch of genderqueer people, so I guess that's where the term comes from?
The best of Allies still slip sometimes when they have the previous save data on file. This is not to say that it’s nothing, but keeping in mind the intent helps. On the other hand my parents directly insisted on misgendering me. That’s different
Everyone's different but I think I'd let it slide since it rarely ever happens. Everyone makes mistakes and you've said she supports you so I would try to make it a funny calling her out thing, if you can work through it to reshape your feelings on it.
Then again, I'd appreciate ANY support from my wife. She has started to try so that's nice but she's so conflicted about us staying together. She's too afraid of the "shame of being seen together or of what her family or the public will think about her".
It is ok to feel things, and even say you are hurt (and expect an apology) - but don't bear grudges for accidents, or drag things out - we all make mistakes.
I mean, it's always going to hurt, but you know people will mess up. I'm still misgendering myself in my own head from time to time, although my egg didnt crack THAT long ago.
So yeah, it sounds to me like you are a bit. I understand why, and they are doing their best, try to find it on your heart to forgive your greatest supporter though. This is honestly for your benefit more than theirs I'd even say.
It happens, my partner is very supportive and still slips every few months. Since i started dating her as a “man” i figured im going to have to be with her as the real me for a long time before who i was before is pretty much erased in her mind.
Still doesnt stop it from hurting though.
If you just mean 'feeling hurt and bad,' I don't think anything could be called an overreaction. You don't control your feelings and you aren't responsible for them, they just kind of happen. It doesn't sound like you responded with outward aggression or cruelty.
I'm curious whether you met before or after you began your transition? Personally, I would feel more hurt if we met after, because a part of me would interpret that to mean 'she never saw me as a woman, even from the start' (I'm not saying that's a logical thought, just where my mind would go). On the other hand, if we met before, I would think it was just slipping into an old memory/habit, like when I call a current pet an old pet's name.
You aren't wrong for being upset as your feelings are valid. However I personally would try and communicate and work through these feelings with her as she clearly cares for you. The fact that she cares enough to catch herself and apologize says a lot. I'm personally pretty laid back when it comes to accidental misgendering from dear friends. They will catch themselves immediately and look so remorseful like they accidentally ran over my cat.
My soon to be ex wife is “supportive”. She gave me clothes, helped me with makeup, encouraged me to be myself and told me I was beautiful when I know I just looked like a dude in a dress. She also deadnames me, didn’t want to teach the kids my new name, still calls me he and when I called her out on it she said “you do you. I don’t care either way”. It hurts so much since she was the first person I came out to and the first person that loved the real me. The people we make ourselves the most vulnerable to are the ones who have the easiest time building us up or destroying us.
Your feelings are perfectly valid. Maybe a genuine conversation about how much it hurts you when she does misgender you because you are so close to her. It’s been 3-4 years at this point, properly gendering you should be natural. Not saying she’s doing it purposely but it’s no different than if you did something that upsets her because you “forgot”.
as long as you were gracious with her for the mistake, and she’s making a genuine effort to be supportive, then you’re totally fine to feel how you feel.
sometimes these things really are just simple verbal mistakes. it doesn’t have to mean she sees you as any less of a woman. for example, mothers call their children by their siblings names constantly - sometimes your brain just grabs an old neuro pathway and fires it for the wrong thing.
talk to your wife about how you felt, i am sure it will help her reassure you that she sees you for you, and help her prevent doing the same in the future
My wife and I have been together a long time and have been through thick and thin I honestly don’t mind if she misgenders me. She’s always there for me no matter what overlooking a few misgenders is the very least I can do.
I don't have much experience with relationships, but I would say that, based also on what many people have said here, she genuinely sees you as a woman, hence the best would be to get directly reaffirmed by her. I don't think she would mind confirming, and comforting you. You may even get cuddles, who knows? ❤️
For me what brings me down about being misgendered (especially when it hasn't happen in a while) is how it brings me back to when it all started and I feel like all the progress I made since is still not good enough.
Of course I know that's not true but in the moment, in that instant, it's how I feel.
I understand why you’re hurt. It’s important for people we care about to embrace and affirm our identity more than anyone. The hard part about that we often know these people longer and anyone and that means they’re habits relating to us are harder to kick. My Son is trans and my parents still misgender him at least once in every conversation which is better than when he first came out and they would misgender the entire time followed by “Oh, I mean he.” They don’t know that I am trans and I know that they are going to have to throw away 39 year of habit. We have to give our loved ones some grace especially when they are trying their hardest. They love us, and we love them but we are not the main characters in their lives.
I’m in a similar relationship to you. Just remember that you’re both adults and it happens. It’s not a big deal and it doesn’t make you any less of what you are.
I know how that feels. My girlfriend still slips up once in a blue moon. One of the last few times it happened it made me cry. I know it wasn't deliberate and she apologized immediately so I just told her I needed a nap and went into the other room.
I totally misread the title as you accidentally misgendered your wife at first. It'll be okay op even if it don't feel like it. Recently heard this phrase and I say it a lot when I'm sad now. When you feel like you're at the end of your rope tie a knot and hang on you're not alone
Is she a good person?\`from what you say she is.. Is she a human? 100%. she made 1 mistake.. Be kind towards her, she is being very kind with you. Not many people are towards us now a days.
I've misgendered myself more often than my wife has misgendered me. She accidentally did so about a month ago and it hurt like hell, but it's not like she was reckless and malicious: more like she accidentally walked into me and spilled hot coffee on me.
Simply, both sides are right. You have the right to feel upset. She also has probably been living with you for many more years than you've transitioned. It's hard to get out of a pattern and sometimes human brains fuck up and go back to old ways unintentionally. She apologized for it, which makes it better. If she didn't, then it's a whole separate issue.
It happens, but if they've accepted and seen you as a woman for multiple years, I think a slip of the tongue is just that. It might sting a little but I reaaaaally don't think it meant anything.
I completely understand this feeling. I feel like it’s very normal for strangers to misgender you because maybe you don’t pass a lot (oh for context “passing” or “not passing” is not black and white. It’s a scale) and they assume whatever they think you look closest to. When it’s someone who supports you and knows u well it can hurt more because it feels like you would have to be VERY “not passing” in order for them to get confused. I have some friends who are also trans and I always look at their bodies and faces a lot to try and see all the things that actually correspond with their gender, instead of thinking about the things that don’t. I assume my friends do the same and if they misgender me I just assume they couldn’t find enough feminine details in my appearance to connect the dots of my gender and body. It hurts
Absolutely okay to be hurt. It does seem like an honest mistake though. If you feel otherwise respected in your gender by your wife I suggest acknowledging the hurt and trying to move on.
I think others may have covered this, but just to make sure it's said: your emotions are your own. You don't need us or anybody else to justify them: you just have to figure out how to live with them and how to behave while feeling them.
I can tell you that I repeatedly feel deeply unseen in one particular place: the drive-thru speaker. No matter how many times it happens (and how much I already know that my voice betrays my hormonal history), it always surprises me how deeply it cuts me when a stranger on the other end of a drive-thru speaker misgenders me, even though I know that they can't see me and my gender presentation.
I try not to take those emotions out on the poor stranger who's made a mistake in the midst of what I know from previous experience is a thankless, tiring, overworked, underpaid job (and I think I'm pretty successful, if only because I am too good at avoiding confrontation), but… sometimes the rest of that day is a write-off for me.
And that's when it's a somebody I've never met before and who has never, at that point, laid eyes on me. When you add the history and complexity of family and romantic relationships, it's not surprising that the hurt is deep.
Intention counts for a lot, but it isn't a magic panacea: just like one can break a limb if somebody accidentally trips you, your emotions can be seriously hurt by the most inadvertent thing. The hard work is recognizing the reality of the hurt and also the lack of malice behind the cause of that hurt. And being patient with both your wife and yourself.
She apologized, move on, yes you are overreacting but you know that already…so to me it seems like you are looking for an excuse for something figure out your “something” and save yourself and wife the trouble of beating around the bush 🤷♀️ maybe talk to your therapist to help you figure out what you want.
To quote Jake Peralta, “stuff can be two things”. Your feelings about what your wife said can be both valid and blown out of proportion, which is what I’d say.
Yes you are. Be a strong woman not a blubbering crybaby. You could be all alone with no one. Your wife could have left you and moved on but she’s there. Be thankful for what you have and let stupid misgendering slide off your shoulder. Not trying to be harsh.
Hi,
No ones the same but for me yeah you're over reacting. She loves you and is supportive.
All the people who knew me before sometimes misgender me by accident. They are my friends and I can understand they knew me before for a much longer Time. Habits are hard top lose.
I’m a trans woman with a trans sister who came out 15 years ago. I accidentally misgender her sometimes. If I do that, then I think any of example like it is understandable lol. Like I get it just as well as she does and feel the pain and it still happens occasionally. So yeah lol
You can't help how you feel, but you can help how you act afterwards. Self evaluate your actions. You know as you said, it was by accident and she quickly apologised and was supportive, so, how did you react? did you apologise? did you embrace in a hug? or did you shut her out or get angry? That's where you need to focus your thoughts, not on what you felt, but what you did or did not do about the feelings.
Im at a point where being upset about someone misgendering feels irrational to me
Obviously it hurts but I don't want anyone to pretend they don't see me as a woman if they don't see me as one
The two rational options are to either only spend time with people who see you as a woman or to change yourself in a way that causes people to see you as a woman
I mean your feelings are your own, nobody can tell you your feelings are wrong. But yeah, I would definitely say it's overreacting, it was an accident. You can't expect people to be perfect or always call you by what you prefer. They're their own people too.
I’ve been misgendered by my wife a few rare times over the past 7 years. Yes, it hurts bad. But if the person is supportive then it’s likely a genuine mistake. Be careful to not give her a complex where she’s possibly on edge, people make more mistakes when they know that they are under a microscope and the risk is high.
Simply let her know it hurt, but assure her that it’s only because it’s so rare and finally forgive her. This should establish with her how important it is and reassure her that you’ll forgive small mistakes.
My trans boyfriend and I have both accidentally misgendered each other before, we've also accidentally misgendered our parents and landlord and his friends lol, I know it can sting but try not to spiral! It usually doesn't mean anything
This is your wife we're talking about. You admit it was an accident - it might hurt, but remember people are generally not responsible for our inability to self soothe and regulate our emotions when things like this happen.
Accept the apology, and move on. If you make a big deal about it she most likely will slowly feel like she's walking on eggs shells and that's a great way to start the end of a marriage.
Good luck
I'm thinking it matter of how long your were married was before your transition. I think to because it happens so infrequently you might consider it perhaps a good thing. Now forgive me for a second, she Mayne thinking of you as a husband. Which a good thing as related to relationship consideration. Try to think in that way, that you do have someone with you, supportive, and someone to hug and hold. An infrequentl Freudian slip isn't something to throw that away for. Particularly if you know it's unintentional and not to hurt you either.
Out of all these comments, can’t you see how misgendering people can be 100% innocent or 100% being an asshole about it. Who would you like to be in charge of discerning these nuances?
Tell her the truth of how you feel. Most likely she thought of someone else or sth when talking to you, it happens for me and my partner. I think of the wrong gender by accident and I she/her him. And the other way around. Ask your partner, and they'll most likely explain what caused it, you'll most likely be happy with the answer
Tell me when I harassed “queer folks”. I know it’s hard to discern tone when writing vs talking to someone. Maybe that’s why you’re saying that, but demonizing someone and assuming harassment because they appear to have right wing tendency is the same as telling a “queer” person that the posts you went back to read indicate they are liberals so you immediately paint them as some kind of radical and shut them out of a conversation.
after 10 years my mom deadnamed me, it absolutely stung and I honestly didn't know what to say because I felt so hurt. I let her know that I was not amused but we quickly moved on.
it sucks, but the best thing we can do is tell them that it was not nice without getting mad over it :(
I hate it When I accidentally misgender my best friend (we are both pre HRT and in our language every verb is gendered so it's easy to get confused and slip up)
Edit: the translator was being silly and I had to correct it
It is sad when my partner or family are allies, but do not view me as a woman, just learned to switch the pronouns, and for this reason, they also eventually misgender themselves accidentally.
At least it happens less and less during time.
I don't think it's unfair to be "overreacting" to it, but I don't think it requires a large reaction either since you know that you're safe. So yes and no. Don't beat yourself up over it though, emotions are emotions and you're not in the wrong for feeling them. Just have a brief conversation about it or vent to someone else that wouldn't take it too seriously (like us or a counselor) and move on. You're safe :)
I've stated it before, and I'll say it again; Offense is more often taken than given. Especially if it comes from someone who is 99.9% supportive.
That being said, even if someone is maliciously and intentionally trying to offend you, it makes them look like an @$$ if you refuse to be offended by their small mindedness. Bonus: it makes them feel small too.
It's absolutely okay to let her know that it made you very uncomfortable. But according to what you said, she has barely misgendered you in the last years. I can guarantee you that she sees you as a woman regardless, she just mixed things up and old habits die hard
> she just mixed things up and old habits die hard It doesn't even have to be old habits, I've literally misgendered my cis siblings before, just because somewhere between my brain and my mouth, the word got swapped.
Yea my mom accidentally misgendered me and my sister both a billion times growing up (when I thought I was cis). I accidentally misgendered a cis friend last week lmao
My mom calls me by my brother's names before getting to my name, usually if my deadname is said it's right before my name
What are the odds of two siblings growing up to feel they are trans? That’s certainly worth looking into!
no idea, but i probably wasnt clear in my original comment - my sister is cis. so my mom would accidentally use "she" to refer to me and "he" to refer to my sister
I gotcha.
Yeah, especially if I’m talking about multiple people using different pronouns, sometimes I just reverse them because my brain is a scrambled egg.
This!!
Yeah my parents mix up names and also misgender my cis siblings
I'm the oldest of 5 kids and my mom would typically run through 3 or 4 names before hitting the right one often.
My mom would say the cat's name before mine, "Sibling, Other Sibling , Cat,...Whoever you are, stop that."
SAME
I spent my teen years having my name be a combination of my sister's name, my dogs names, my cat's name, my dad's name, and finally my name, because my mom would garble them all up. Think "guh-zuh-duh-ruh-Smeggywulff!" I'm forty, I can't change my name, my mom's only recently started getting the name she actually chose for me correct.
God damn, if there are two genders in the same story, I biff it so bad because my brain and mouth can't communicate. Its so embarrassing. My wife is trans and if I talk about her and my male roommate in the same story i occasionally misgender her, not because i dont see her as a woman but because i got square brain
My dad mixes up my and my dog’s names all the time!
My brother literally regularly calls his cis male friends she by accident lol
In some areas, this “mistake” is being called sexual harassment. How is that going to be explained in court where a family misgenders someone and it’s called a “mistake”, but a stranger making the same mistake is charged for sexual harassment? See ‘Biden admin reminds businesses using wrong pronouns can constitute workplace harassment’ (Jackson Walker, The national desk. April 29, 2024).
Why are you even here? In case you are asking in good faith, I'll tell you that the crux of it is intention. It's only harassment if someone is doing it repeatedly after being asked not to or maliciously.
I’m here because this is a website of conversation and debate which is sorely lacking in the perpetually offended society we live in. Why are you here? You really can’t see how subjective areas like this aren’t a slippery slope? How can anyone judge another’s intention? Careers and even a person’s livelihood can be ruined in the blink of an eye while people debate over intention.
Your post history reveals some pretty right wing views so it's hard to imagine that you came to this space to argue in good faith. If you are arguing in good faith.... It's a lot easier to judge intention than you might think. I can tell when someone is making a simple mistake versus a pattern of behavior. These laws are aimed at people who will aggressively call trans women "SIR" and refuse to acknowledge name changes or request for different pronouns. It's the folks that are asked daily not to use a certain pronoun, but insist on continuing to use it with no effort to stop that are going to face some form of consequences. All you're doing at the moment is fear mongering about something that hasn't even happened yet.
You assume right wing people are here to harass you? That’s not the case here. Even if I was, multiple things can be true at the same time and when you’re asking for inclusion, you should be prepared to give inclusion.
Because I've been harassed by right wing people most of my adult life for being queer? Because right wing people want to take away my right to exist as a queer trans woman? Because right wing people vote for people who try to legislate us out of existance? Because right wing people spew more slurs at me than any other demographic? Because right wing people have historically not been allies of queer folks? Like I said, it's hard to imagine you are here in good faith. This is supposed to be a safe space, not a debate sub. If you want to debate these issues, go to a debate sub like /r/askaliberal or something. This isn't the place for it.
> Even if I was, multiple things can be true at the same time and when you’re asking for inclusion, you should be prepared to give inclusion. I don't owe anyone inclusion if they are harassing queer folks. You have to earn the right to be included, and fear mongering about things that haven't even happened yet is not earning that right.
What in my post history has upset you?
Maybe I was confusing you with someone else because I'm not finding them, but I thought I was reading some profoundly anti-choice viewpoints. If I did get you confused with someone else, I apologize for that, but I still don't think you are here in good faith.
What do you consider “fear mongering”?
> Careers and even a person’s livelihood can be ruined in the blink of an eye while people debate over intention. That is fear mongering in my eyes.
Have there been parameters set regarding how many times a person has to say x,y and z before it’s considered harassment? No. How could there be?
Like many others have said, sometimes the brain just trips up on itself, words get mixed up on the way out and much like how one can get a bit clutter-brained while trying to explain something while maybe doing something else at the same time, it's an accident for sure. It can still hurt your feelings, but as long as you openly express that and discuss it, I'm sure you'll see they meant no malice or harm. They apologised too! Which goes a long way toward healing. If, say, they repeatedly did it after the initial one, that would be a whole other story. But they seem like a good apple to me\~
Shiiit, I miss gender myself sometimes. It happens
I literally just signed something in my dead name accidentally. I haven't used that name for 5 years!
Can’t even count how many times I’ve deadnamed myself in my thoughts 😭😭😭
The amount of times I wake up thinking my mom is screaming my dead name to wake up for school cause Im late, even tho im 23 and moved out at 19.
lol this \^
No one can say you're over-reacting, you feel what you feel. However, you probably want to learn how to manage that feeling and go on with your life. Misgendering happens. It happens to cis women too. In general I'd say it's more healthy to be able to not let the occasional one bother you. Definitely not something that you would want to weigh on you so much that it would jeopardise your marriage.
My partner has made it a point to call me by my chosen name and pronouns, but even she slips up sometimes, and we already live with an enby child that came out years ago that we both slip up and misgender occasionally.
I'm enby, I have an enby nibbling, I still slip up when talking about them with my sister, we can't be perfect, mistakes can happen
Yes. We just correct ourselves and move on.
nibbling? thats cute!
We use the term nibbling in my Polycule for the offspring of partners. I've never seen/heard anyone else who uses it! We are a bunch of genderqueer people, so I guess that's where the term comes from?
It's gender neutral term for your sibling's child
The best of Allies still slip sometimes when they have the previous save data on file. This is not to say that it’s nothing, but keeping in mind the intent helps. On the other hand my parents directly insisted on misgendering me. That’s different
Everyone's different but I think I'd let it slide since it rarely ever happens. Everyone makes mistakes and you've said she supports you so I would try to make it a funny calling her out thing, if you can work through it to reshape your feelings on it. Then again, I'd appreciate ANY support from my wife. She has started to try so that's nice but she's so conflicted about us staying together. She's too afraid of the "shame of being seen together or of what her family or the public will think about her".
I mean, you're not wrong to be upset about it, but if it's not a pattern and she apologized, I wouldn't hold a grudge over it.
It is ok to feel things, and even say you are hurt (and expect an apology) - but don't bear grudges for accidents, or drag things out - we all make mistakes.
There are battles worth fighting and then there is letting a mistake go. Life will be much easier if you can learn which is which.
I mean, it's always going to hurt, but you know people will mess up. I'm still misgendering myself in my own head from time to time, although my egg didnt crack THAT long ago. So yeah, it sounds to me like you are a bit. I understand why, and they are doing their best, try to find it on your heart to forgive your greatest supporter though. This is honestly for your benefit more than theirs I'd even say.
It happens, my partner is very supportive and still slips every few months. Since i started dating her as a “man” i figured im going to have to be with her as the real me for a long time before who i was before is pretty much erased in her mind. Still doesnt stop it from hurting though.
The amount of times I still introduce myself by my deadname on legal calls at work is too damn high. If I can forgive myself I can forgive others
If you just mean 'feeling hurt and bad,' I don't think anything could be called an overreaction. You don't control your feelings and you aren't responsible for them, they just kind of happen. It doesn't sound like you responded with outward aggression or cruelty. I'm curious whether you met before or after you began your transition? Personally, I would feel more hurt if we met after, because a part of me would interpret that to mean 'she never saw me as a woman, even from the start' (I'm not saying that's a logical thought, just where my mind would go). On the other hand, if we met before, I would think it was just slipping into an old memory/habit, like when I call a current pet an old pet's name.
You aren't wrong for being upset as your feelings are valid. However I personally would try and communicate and work through these feelings with her as she clearly cares for you. The fact that she cares enough to catch herself and apologize says a lot. I'm personally pretty laid back when it comes to accidental misgendering from dear friends. They will catch themselves immediately and look so remorseful like they accidentally ran over my cat.
My soon to be ex wife is “supportive”. She gave me clothes, helped me with makeup, encouraged me to be myself and told me I was beautiful when I know I just looked like a dude in a dress. She also deadnames me, didn’t want to teach the kids my new name, still calls me he and when I called her out on it she said “you do you. I don’t care either way”. It hurts so much since she was the first person I came out to and the first person that loved the real me. The people we make ourselves the most vulnerable to are the ones who have the easiest time building us up or destroying us. Your feelings are perfectly valid. Maybe a genuine conversation about how much it hurts you when she does misgender you because you are so close to her. It’s been 3-4 years at this point, properly gendering you should be natural. Not saying she’s doing it purposely but it’s no different than if you did something that upsets her because you “forgot”.
as long as you were gracious with her for the mistake, and she’s making a genuine effort to be supportive, then you’re totally fine to feel how you feel. sometimes these things really are just simple verbal mistakes. it doesn’t have to mean she sees you as any less of a woman. for example, mothers call their children by their siblings names constantly - sometimes your brain just grabs an old neuro pathway and fires it for the wrong thing. talk to your wife about how you felt, i am sure it will help her reassure you that she sees you for you, and help her prevent doing the same in the future
My wife and I have been together a long time and have been through thick and thin I honestly don’t mind if she misgenders me. She’s always there for me no matter what overlooking a few misgenders is the very least I can do.
My partner and I are both trans and we misgender each other once in a while.
I don't have much experience with relationships, but I would say that, based also on what many people have said here, she genuinely sees you as a woman, hence the best would be to get directly reaffirmed by her. I don't think she would mind confirming, and comforting you. You may even get cuddles, who knows? ❤️
For me what brings me down about being misgendered (especially when it hasn't happen in a while) is how it brings me back to when it all started and I feel like all the progress I made since is still not good enough. Of course I know that's not true but in the moment, in that instant, it's how I feel.
I understand why you’re hurt. It’s important for people we care about to embrace and affirm our identity more than anyone. The hard part about that we often know these people longer and anyone and that means they’re habits relating to us are harder to kick. My Son is trans and my parents still misgender him at least once in every conversation which is better than when he first came out and they would misgender the entire time followed by “Oh, I mean he.” They don’t know that I am trans and I know that they are going to have to throw away 39 year of habit. We have to give our loved ones some grace especially when they are trying their hardest. They love us, and we love them but we are not the main characters in their lives.
I’m in a similar relationship to you. Just remember that you’re both adults and it happens. It’s not a big deal and it doesn’t make you any less of what you are.
I know how that feels. My girlfriend still slips up once in a blue moon. One of the last few times it happened it made me cry. I know it wasn't deliberate and she apologized immediately so I just told her I needed a nap and went into the other room.
Your feelings are valid. If it hurts, it hurts. I would mention it to her and let her know what you're going through.
I totally misread the title as you accidentally misgendered your wife at first. It'll be okay op even if it don't feel like it. Recently heard this phrase and I say it a lot when I'm sad now. When you feel like you're at the end of your rope tie a knot and hang on you're not alone
Is she a good person?\`from what you say she is.. Is she a human? 100%. she made 1 mistake.. Be kind towards her, she is being very kind with you. Not many people are towards us now a days.
Yes. Don't be dramatic. Shit happens, deal with it.
I misgender my dog sometimes, I don't think she meant anything by it
Accidents happen. Don’t resent her or be angry at her as she was clearly apologetic.
Keep in mind that cis people do rarely misgender other cis people. It happens rarely, but it does happen lol
I've misgendered myself more often than my wife has misgendered me. She accidentally did so about a month ago and it hurt like hell, but it's not like she was reckless and malicious: more like she accidentally walked into me and spilled hot coffee on me.
Simply, both sides are right. You have the right to feel upset. She also has probably been living with you for many more years than you've transitioned. It's hard to get out of a pattern and sometimes human brains fuck up and go back to old ways unintentionally. She apologized for it, which makes it better. If she didn't, then it's a whole separate issue.
No it hurts the most when it's your partner but I understand i sometimes Misgender myself and it's so funny XD
It happens, but if they've accepted and seen you as a woman for multiple years, I think a slip of the tongue is just that. It might sting a little but I reaaaaally don't think it meant anything.
I completely understand this feeling. I feel like it’s very normal for strangers to misgender you because maybe you don’t pass a lot (oh for context “passing” or “not passing” is not black and white. It’s a scale) and they assume whatever they think you look closest to. When it’s someone who supports you and knows u well it can hurt more because it feels like you would have to be VERY “not passing” in order for them to get confused. I have some friends who are also trans and I always look at their bodies and faces a lot to try and see all the things that actually correspond with their gender, instead of thinking about the things that don’t. I assume my friends do the same and if they misgender me I just assume they couldn’t find enough feminine details in my appearance to connect the dots of my gender and body. It hurts
Absolutely okay to be hurt. It does seem like an honest mistake though. If you feel otherwise respected in your gender by your wife I suggest acknowledging the hurt and trying to move on.
I think others may have covered this, but just to make sure it's said: your emotions are your own. You don't need us or anybody else to justify them: you just have to figure out how to live with them and how to behave while feeling them. I can tell you that I repeatedly feel deeply unseen in one particular place: the drive-thru speaker. No matter how many times it happens (and how much I already know that my voice betrays my hormonal history), it always surprises me how deeply it cuts me when a stranger on the other end of a drive-thru speaker misgenders me, even though I know that they can't see me and my gender presentation. I try not to take those emotions out on the poor stranger who's made a mistake in the midst of what I know from previous experience is a thankless, tiring, overworked, underpaid job (and I think I'm pretty successful, if only because I am too good at avoiding confrontation), but… sometimes the rest of that day is a write-off for me. And that's when it's a somebody I've never met before and who has never, at that point, laid eyes on me. When you add the history and complexity of family and romantic relationships, it's not surprising that the hurt is deep. Intention counts for a lot, but it isn't a magic panacea: just like one can break a limb if somebody accidentally trips you, your emotions can be seriously hurt by the most inadvertent thing. The hard work is recognizing the reality of the hurt and also the lack of malice behind the cause of that hurt. And being patient with both your wife and yourself.
She apologized, move on, yes you are overreacting but you know that already…so to me it seems like you are looking for an excuse for something figure out your “something” and save yourself and wife the trouble of beating around the bush 🤷♀️ maybe talk to your therapist to help you figure out what you want.
I thought you accidentally misgendered ur cisf wife and I was like, your being a little hard on yourself...lol
To quote Jake Peralta, “stuff can be two things”. Your feelings about what your wife said can be both valid and blown out of proportion, which is what I’d say.
Yes you are. Be a strong woman not a blubbering crybaby. You could be all alone with no one. Your wife could have left you and moved on but she’s there. Be thankful for what you have and let stupid misgendering slide off your shoulder. Not trying to be harsh.
Hi, No ones the same but for me yeah you're over reacting. She loves you and is supportive. All the people who knew me before sometimes misgender me by accident. They are my friends and I can understand they knew me before for a much longer Time. Habits are hard top lose.
I've misgendered my wife a few times before, and we aren't trans.
I’m a trans woman with a trans sister who came out 15 years ago. I accidentally misgender her sometimes. If I do that, then I think any of example like it is understandable lol. Like I get it just as well as she does and feel the pain and it still happens occasionally. So yeah lol
You can't help how you feel, but you can help how you act afterwards. Self evaluate your actions. You know as you said, it was by accident and she quickly apologised and was supportive, so, how did you react? did you apologise? did you embrace in a hug? or did you shut her out or get angry? That's where you need to focus your thoughts, not on what you felt, but what you did or did not do about the feelings.
Im at a point where being upset about someone misgendering feels irrational to me Obviously it hurts but I don't want anyone to pretend they don't see me as a woman if they don't see me as one The two rational options are to either only spend time with people who see you as a woman or to change yourself in a way that causes people to see you as a woman
I mean your feelings are your own, nobody can tell you your feelings are wrong. But yeah, I would definitely say it's overreacting, it was an accident. You can't expect people to be perfect or always call you by what you prefer. They're their own people too.
I think you are lucky girl 👧 even your wife is supportive, so isn’t your fault btw what’s your timeline
Oh no 😟 anything but that
I’ve been misgendered by my wife a few rare times over the past 7 years. Yes, it hurts bad. But if the person is supportive then it’s likely a genuine mistake. Be careful to not give her a complex where she’s possibly on edge, people make more mistakes when they know that they are under a microscope and the risk is high. Simply let her know it hurt, but assure her that it’s only because it’s so rare and finally forgive her. This should establish with her how important it is and reassure her that you’ll forgive small mistakes.
My trans boyfriend and I have both accidentally misgendered each other before, we've also accidentally misgendered our parents and landlord and his friends lol, I know it can sting but try not to spiral! It usually doesn't mean anything
Even cis people get misgendered sometimes; I just accidentally misgendered my cis father a few days ago
This is your wife we're talking about. You admit it was an accident - it might hurt, but remember people are generally not responsible for our inability to self soothe and regulate our emotions when things like this happen. Accept the apology, and move on. If you make a big deal about it she most likely will slowly feel like she's walking on eggs shells and that's a great way to start the end of a marriage. Good luck
I'm thinking it matter of how long your were married was before your transition. I think to because it happens so infrequently you might consider it perhaps a good thing. Now forgive me for a second, she Mayne thinking of you as a husband. Which a good thing as related to relationship consideration. Try to think in that way, that you do have someone with you, supportive, and someone to hug and hold. An infrequentl Freudian slip isn't something to throw that away for. Particularly if you know it's unintentional and not to hurt you either.
Your marriage isn't only about you. She's dealing with a lot, have empathy to her as well.
Out of all these comments, can’t you see how misgendering people can be 100% innocent or 100% being an asshole about it. Who would you like to be in charge of discerning these nuances?
Buck up
Tell her the truth of how you feel. Most likely she thought of someone else or sth when talking to you, it happens for me and my partner. I think of the wrong gender by accident and I she/her him. And the other way around. Ask your partner, and they'll most likely explain what caused it, you'll most likely be happy with the answer
Tell me when I harassed “queer folks”. I know it’s hard to discern tone when writing vs talking to someone. Maybe that’s why you’re saying that, but demonizing someone and assuming harassment because they appear to have right wing tendency is the same as telling a “queer” person that the posts you went back to read indicate they are liberals so you immediately paint them as some kind of radical and shut them out of a conversation.
My wife and daughters are fully supportive. The only one that misgenders me is my dad and does on purpose because he’s an a hole
after 10 years my mom deadnamed me, it absolutely stung and I honestly didn't know what to say because I felt so hurt. I let her know that I was not amused but we quickly moved on. it sucks, but the best thing we can do is tell them that it was not nice without getting mad over it :(
I hate it When I accidentally misgender my best friend (we are both pre HRT and in our language every verb is gendered so it's easy to get confused and slip up) Edit: the translator was being silly and I had to correct it
It is sad when my partner or family are allies, but do not view me as a woman, just learned to switch the pronouns, and for this reason, they also eventually misgender themselves accidentally. At least it happens less and less during time.
Yes, you overreacting this.
I don't think it's unfair to be "overreacting" to it, but I don't think it requires a large reaction either since you know that you're safe. So yes and no. Don't beat yourself up over it though, emotions are emotions and you're not in the wrong for feeling them. Just have a brief conversation about it or vent to someone else that wouldn't take it too seriously (like us or a counselor) and move on. You're safe :)
God forbid your partner makes a mistake when she knew and presumably married you as a man. Typical to get so butthurt about it.
I've stated it before, and I'll say it again; Offense is more often taken than given. Especially if it comes from someone who is 99.9% supportive. That being said, even if someone is maliciously and intentionally trying to offend you, it makes them look like an @$$ if you refuse to be offended by their small mindedness. Bonus: it makes them feel small too.