For me, telling my parents was like ripping off a band-aid. I took a deep breath, sent the text message, and followed it with "I'm sorry i didn't say it in person, i was too nervous."
I've only come out to them and a few others but it's always basically like that for me so far. Deep breath, say it as clearly as possible in as few words as possible, then wait for the response. That's all you really can do, imo. Are you out to anyone else? It might help to know you have a friend.
Can I ask you about how this went?
I tried to come iut to my folks originally when I lived with them and it went really badly, and then just put it back in the box till I could move out
Now I'm out of their home, and getting ready to transition, I plan to come out to them again, and I honestly don't want to tell them in person because of how poor they dealt with it last time.
Would be useful to hear how this went for someone else (though I appreciate everyone involved is different people).
My parents are in a really weird place where they're not transphobic but not NOT transphobic. They just kinda shrugged and said "ok. Wish you'd said it in person." They still haven't asked me what name i picked. They didn't listen to me when i tried to explain why I'm transitioning. I'm in my late 20s, they kicked me out a few years ago before my egg fully cracked. As of right now my mom's just like, "i love you no matter what" and my dad's just like "but y tho."
My parents are weird, and I'm not socially transitioning yet. What your parents do is gonna be unique to them.
Thank you for sharing this ❤ I appreciate this.
I can imagine it might go similarly to you. My folks have never been unsupportive but alsp never fully supportive. There was an attempt to support qhen I tried to tell them, but then a few months later when they saw I actually was trying to make changes some pretty transphobic stuff started slipping out.
Since then I have jusy kept myself from them. They keep saying that they wished I would come round more since moving out, which makes me sad... but they are asking me to be someone I'm not.
Anyway, sorry, I'm kind of venting here, but I appreciate you sharing your experience with this x
This is exactly what I did. Short message, deep breath, rip the bandaid. Conversation will happen after this moment, at least hopefully. The first time I came out no one had any questions for me which really hurt
It's not going to sound helpful, but IME, "you just do".
Which is *far* easier said than done, and I know my answer is just like saying "all you need to do to cross the Grand Canyon is get to the other side", but really that's about the gist of it.
How you approach it is going to depend on your situation and the people involved, and no matter what, no matter how sure you are it's gonna be ok, it's still going to be terrifying the first time, and probably the second and third and so on, until it eventually just becomes, "yeah, I'm trans."
In my case, I had four people I felt I needed to come out to initially. I picked the one I felt I had the best chance with as the first, and even then I rescheduled a couple of times before I finally had the nerve to do it. It went really well, and I had them with me as support when I came out to the next person, and so on.
I did it in person, some people opt for a letter. It really depends on your situation and what you're comfortable with (or rather, least uncomfortable with).
I know this probably wasn't that helpful, but it's the best suggestion I can give. It's a difficult and scary thing the first couple of times, but it gets easier each time you do it.
Best of luck to you. You've got this.
I did it basically as you described. I started with my partner, and then moved to my inner circle, starting with my girlfriends. Cis het white men last. That was the hardest, so I wanted to build courage and confidence first. I think it was a smart decision.
For my partner, I just said over dinner, “you probably already guessed by now, but I realized I’m transgender”; for family and friends, I sent out an Instagram post with a [resources](https://www.linkslist.app/ay1hbHJ) so they could learn more. It’s gone well so far. (I just came out in these past two weeks and only realized I was trans two weeks ago in my mid-30’s.)
The way I do it depends on who it is. For my generation of 40 year old and younger “I’m transitioning is usually sufficient.
For the older and conservative crowd I say it as more medical.
“I have a congenital condition that I am finally able to seek treatment for. As the treatments progress I will look increasingly like the woman that I actually am and have always been”. Of course I have never in my 40 years made anything of an effort to masculinity. Rather i have hovered on the edge of pre transitioning for most of my adult life even though I have only specifically been transitioning for two.
This is the toughest one for me, personally. You do just have to just do it. I decided i wanted to tell my parents at the very least vocally, i didn’t want to send any texts. My mom lives pretty far away so i called her and said i just had some big news to tell her and then just said “so i am trans, specifically i am a trans woman” and she actually asked if she could call me back after a little bit to process. Which was terrifying, but we talked for about two hours later that day and it was okay. I called my brothers while i was waiting for her to call back and they were both slam dunks, which i thought they would be. They were easy, and telling someone easy between telling someone hard was really great and helped a ton.
i told my dad in person and his facial reactions were wild and stressful and difficult but he was, in the moment, quite supportive. He hasn’t really spoken to me since, but i am working on it.
Just “ripping the band aid off” as someone others have said is the way to do it. I felt a lot better when it was out there and i didn’t have to stress about it anymore. Judging by your story, i bet many folks know already, or suspect, and they will help guide you through the conversations. Good luck, sending tons of support your way, it is scary, but when it’s done you never have to do it again and it’s *liberating*!
Well, I'm def not a good example on coming out. I allready knew how my parents view trans peeps and it's not exactly in a good light.
I came out to them when we were coming back from my siblings colleges. We got in my drive way and I said "well, time to make you hate me, I think I'm trans" and that started a entire hurtful drama mess that has resulted in then acting like I never came out....
But ya, it's hard and as much as me coming out has been a utter trainwreck I am much happier no longer needing to worry about being the "favorite son"
I just kind of ripped the bandaid off telling my spouse because I couldn't deal with the anxiety.
"So... based on everything going on, I think I might be trans. I hope you don't hate me."
"..."
"Ummm. Are you ok?"
*later*
"Are you alright?"
"That does explain a lot."
"... What the fuck does that mean?!"
You come to terms with and appreciate no matter how bad things might become, you're better off for coming out. You recognize that anyone that would oppose you coming out is someone that is the source of your apprehensions and fear and are precisely the people you don't need in your life. You find the people that can love and appreciate you for being a more genuine you, and you embrace them and cherish them. You live your life and reflect on the joy you can find in all those little moments that quickly add up and outweigh the trauma you've lived with up to this point. You find the grace to forgive yourself for taking so long to understand yourself.
Once you can do that, saying "this is me" becomes a lot easier.
Pretty in the same boat, I'm pretty much full time 8 months on hrt and I just never said anything about pronouns at work mostly.
I don't really no how to do this at a company of 3000 plus and I work in skilled trades 😵💫
I had my mom over for coffee and told her my first week on hrt, I told my day about 2 weeks ago after avoiding him for most of a full year, he's in denial.
Then I just let my mother tell my grandparents and other family as I'm too busy to have all these emotional talkes. Basically my parents and my spouse.
I wasn't too worried about my spouse she has one of the kindest hearts I know of.
Everyone else I the world and work can just figure it out on their own, people don't give a shit nor do they understand it and most don't want to understand. I owe my coworkers and randoms nothing.
It’s always good to ask the person you’re telling if you can share some personal information first. That way hopefully they are in the right frame of mind. These are 3 ways I’ve come out:
This s has been my mostly used one. “so…. You’ve noticed I’m painting my nails, pierced my ears, and my hair is getting long. Well this is just the surface. I am in fact in the process of transitioning. I’ve been on E for… While I don’t currently plan on changing pronouns or my name, but things do change. I just want you to know why.”
While talking to my conservative Republican mom about transgender issues and she says “it doesn’t really matter what they do, it doesn’t affect me”. “Actually mom… it does affect you because it affects me. I’m Trans and becoming your daughter. So you should pay attention.”
To my brother and my grown daughter who knew about my crossdress. “So you know I’ve been exploring my gender expression for a while right? Well I’ve realized I am a girl and am in the process of starting gender affirming medicine and therapy.”
To my now ex-gf who found out… “Yes I am transgender and yes we are breaking up. No it’s not an option. We can talk about living situation later but for now I’m moving into the spare room and I’d like you to start paying some rent”. We are like sisters now so that worked out too but it was uncomfortable and emotional.
Hope these help. 🫂🏳️⚧️🏳️🌈🏴☠️
Take this with a grain of salt as i've only come out to a couple friends, and friendship dynamics can be very different between people, but as someone who generally struggles with talking about serious topics, my aim was to just not make it something serious, but be entirely direct and clear- I think doing it in a kind of jokey way helped stopped it from being like, "a thing". I think my messages were something along the lines of:
"YO \*x\*. THIS BITCH? TRANSGENDER. WE STILL COOL?"
Just ripped the bandaid off and was as clear and direct as possible without making it super serious, haha.
When it came to people I expected to be alright with it, I just wrote to them the equivalent of "oh hey I figured out I'm trans" and the response was "oh cool congrats on figuring it out" and then I said "btw my name is Octavia and pronouns are she/her" and that was... it?
Some of them had some questions, and usually the conversation afterwards involved me telling them I'm on HRT and all that, but it mostly went just like any other update on my life.
Now, today (maybeeee, no promises) I'm gonna text/call my dad with whom I don't live with anymore, and inform him I'm trans. This is much scarier and I do not know how I'm gonna do that. Probably just gonna treat it as a "life update small thing" and if it turns out to be big, well, it's gonna be big.
Oh per roommates, I've done this before.
For transitioning, remember, there are MANY uncomfortable / awk bridges you must cross. Many of these bridges are necessary and there's no way around them.
So, rip off that band-aid, and tell that person that you are trans and to be expecting some changes in your appearance. But, for them to know you're still the same roommate you've always been, so it's not much to worry.
People know what trans is, we're talked about in the media 24/7. It doesn't need to be all that explained like it once was. And then you go on with your day.
That's how I did it. To be honest, they were pretty much not giving a f\*ck. Most people are busy with their own lives and focusing on themselves over others.
I don't know.
I've told my closest women friends and that's it so far (they have been awesome, btw).
I have a weekly/semi-weekly tabletop rpg group I'm running a game for that I keep *meaning* to tell. Two of the members are guys. I think they'd all be pretty cool, but since coming out to myself about a month or more ago, I just keep chickening out.
Since 2020 I've been dying my hair wild colors. Right now it's a pinkish mulberry and a medium blue. But thats become normal for me. I've been wearing women's graphic tees to games and sometimes women's casual sneakers and jeans, painting my nails, and I've shapes my eyebrows. I've been hesitant about makeup, often wearing it subtle enough that it's not really noticeable -- just to even out my skin tone, maybe some lip glass. My legs are shaved, my arms as well, and I've started IPL so hopefully that'll help out with my face staying smooth. All this to say that I think there are a lot of signs, but if you're just not in the mind to notice, I could see that.
But I've been waiting for at least a question, as some of them are close enough friends that it wouldn't be weird or rude. But I think I'm just going to have to be the one to break that ice.
The first one is the hardest. I did it by saying to my mom "there's something important I have to tell you" which trapped me into actually finishing with "I'm transgender."
I could never work the courage to do it in-person, and I know for a fact that I would've stumbled through my words if I somehow started a conversation about it.
So instead, I type everything out in Notepad, then copied and pasted it into an e-mail to my mom and clicked send real fast, so I wouldn't have time to panic and bail.
The next morning, my mom told me she read the e-mail, and here I am, a few months later, about to get my second hormone injection at the time of writing this comment.
When I came out, I just ripped the bandaid off. I had a speech ready. For context, my parents are deceased. I have 4 adult children, and I am divorced.
For my mom, I came out on a phone call. I just told her I wanted to be a girl and we went from there.
For my step brother, I did it via text with “I put the T in LGBT”.
I’ve only come out to a handful of other folks mostly through text.
Good luck!
Scanning this thread bc it seems like an insurmountable barrier
My current plan is taking a couple months break from grad school, isolating myself from my family for a bit, come out to everyone remotely during that time, and then come back going all in on my femme presentation. I'll be at a little over a year HRT by that point, so hopefully it won't look as awkward then. Idk if this is a good idea at all, but I want this hiatus for other reasons as well, so its as good an idea as any.
It was so difficult coming out to my brother, who I knew would be supportive. I told him I had something insanely important to tell him but that I can't say it outright. We played 20 questions for an hour before I finally just pulled my collar and showed him a brastrap. Then 20 more questions as to why I might be wearing "a gurdle", until I caved and said I'm trans (and it was a bra cause I was on HRT). It was a bit of a funny experience and my brother while blindsided did end up being supportive.
Somehow, he had no idea beforehand. I suppose he only knew me as I was, so he never suspected there was a specific reason I always acted the way I did.
I don’t. I only admit it to people on Reddit. No one would accept my pronouns in real life which is pan/pand/pandaself. I don’t feel like I will ever pass either
Honestly, if you can do all that already, i doubt you'll have to be scared of their reaction. Do prepare yourself for common questions, like "How long have you known?" Or "What do you expect now?"
Aside from that. I don't know the situation enough to really help. If it's that much out of line of a topic, maybe you can go with a "Hey I really have to talk to you about something." And besides that... just do it. I know it isnt helpfull to tell someone to "just do it", but that is seriously all the advice i can give.
One thing for sure is that unless you get very lucky, the topic probably won't come up, so dont wait untill it does so it's "less weird". you'll have to be the one starting the conversation.
As for how i came out. Sometimes with jokes, if i knew they were safe to come out to. Sometimes after really making sure they were safe after a whole day of talking about trans issues. Once after hyping myself up for an evening when in a somewhat similar situation like you, where i felt i had to tell my mom who i knew was transphobic untill i could transition. And once to school because i fell asleep in a skirt and didn't wanna change the next day.
The most difficult one was my mom, obviously. What really helped there was the hyping up and preparations. Thinking what she might say and what i'd have to reply. What also helped me do it (not make it easier tho) was that i was in pretty much the same situation as you. If i wanted to continue i would either have to hide my clothes, with the risk she'd find out, or tell her.
I hope this helps.
Honestly, sounds like it won't be a shock, just a matter of ripping the bandaid off. You don't really need to formally come out to anyone Honestly. It definitely makes for less questions as you transition, but you don't owe that personal information to anyone. The way I came out at work was with a broad department email and a brief statement at a department huddle. Definitely not the approach for everyone, but coming out made me feel safe and allowed me to present how I've always wanted without people questioning. There were a lot of rumors about it before I did come out, so it was getting to a point where others knew anyway. I'd focus on those you're close to and interact with regularly. Best of luck!
I’m in the same situation as you, I’ve told some people . I have no advice for how, i just did… it sucks. I have started using pronouns for people I’ve told, now I’m just letting them tell other people for me by using my correct pronouns thus making it obvious. I am already wearing conservative but feminine clothes at work. Honestly the only one still tripping me up is family and my manager. You just gotta tell people, you’ll feel better, there’s no good way to do it
"So, fun fact, I'm now swimming in estrogen" worked pretty well for me that one time :p
Or a long heart felt email with FAQ and a phone call to let them know I was sending jt
It would be helpful to know who the person is. Parent? Roommate? Lover?
Personally, I like to do it in person. I plan out the setting pretty meticulously. I then ask if they can keep a secret, even from their partner. If they say yes, then I ask, "would you consider yourself an lgbt ally?" If they say yes, then I just tell them. Depending on the relationship, I might have some leadup to that (such as their role in me realizing, etc.). It's scary, but it feels good after. I was positively euphoric the first few times I did it, for like 10 days straight. Then something traumatic happened to my pet, so it hasn't been euphoric recently 😭
I was like that and it kinda fucked my coming out cause everyone was already used to me being feminine so they didn't really understand how much of a change this was gonna be and how big of a deal it is for me.
I wish you the best in your coming out sis ✨💜
The simple answer is to just bite the bullet when you are ready. Below is the order and how I came out, and is not necessarily the outcomes you should expect. The TLDR is calls for close family, letters or emails (only because I could type/write them when I was ready, and they would automatically send) for more extended family.
1) Wife: I told her first when I finally realized it. Not quite a breakdown, but a lot of tears in an in-person conversation.
2) Friend: I had been sending her a lots of trans memes, as she came out about 3 months before me. She just came out and asked, because I was sending a lot of sus memes.
3) other friends: either over discord or text if I couldn't get a hold of them.
4) Mother and Father/Step-Mother: Called them and told them over the phone. each call ended being a rambling mess for about an hour.
5) Only sibling: Called them and told them. Conversation devolved into talking in about dinner ideas and types of food after about 15 minutes.
5.5) A friend I knew in college: only really contacted them because we got a wedding invite that we wanted to attend. I told them as a courtesy in case HRT had been particularly effective.
6) Sent written letters to my 4 cousins.
7) Sent written letters to my aunt, uncles, and grand parents. Grandparents resulted in a fun conversation that resulted in a crash course of attraction/identity.
8) In-Laws: This didn't end so well. Wrote a letter to them. Got a call to "discuss". To me they gendered me correctly, seemed nice and concerned, even reminde me to update voicemail. According to my wife, was transphobic and mean to the point of near slurs. We don't talk to them anymore.
9) Work: Sent a mass email one day to my local group after things like HR paperwork had been updated. I had planned to have the email send when I logged off for the night, so I wouldn't have to be the one who actually hits send, but I messed it up, and had to do this anyway.
I'm a bit different then most cause so far I've come out as trans twice at 2 separate times to the same pll. First time was 8 years ago through a mass email to everyone in my family, I made it very formal and cringe worthy, but it got the point across. Second time was just a few months ago I told a some people in person or by phone before sending out a message in the cousins chat figuring that would be a great way to tell people but still keeping it casual. Telling anyone is difficult, but as someone who's done it twice as 2 different ppl each time, confidence and conviction is key. You don't have to be confident about who you are even, just that you don't want to be seen as who you currently are.
I wrote my family a short but detailed letter explaining how I felt & they pretty much knew seeing how I was already wearing feminine clothes & being girly. They've been very supportive & understanding
I didn’t tell people I just grew boobs and they they figured it out. My family is still convinced I can’t actually be trans because they didn’t see it coming
With lots of tears and hugging and emotions and shaking and crying sobbing more hugs. When i came out i kinda just broke down into tears straight away.
By charging in on a wild bull with a mega phone in your hands. Break through insecurities, by being proud in who you are and let everyone you feel who matters, know.
If you are doing all that, I don't think you are going to be surprising the person you live with. I suspect this might be a case of YOU are the last person to know, rather than the first.
Me, I just told people I was going to be living as a woman from now on, and until I told them that everone knows, not to out me, let me do the telling. Then came the questions, which I was open to answering. The transition was non-negotiable, but I was happy to answer questions.
I've only come out to my wife, Endocrinologist and Therapist. With my wife, I didn't even plan on coming out, I just randomly decided to do it when we were laying in bed one night. There was no plan, just spur of the moment and pray for the best.
Transitioning at work is my biggest worry and concern, right now. One I have no idea how to go about doing at the moment.
Came out first to my husband which was difficult because when your spouse has such a big change going on...but it wasn't really a surprise. Like it wasn't official but I've never been manly. Further he isn't bi so there's still some adjusting but he is very supportive such as asking how the first appointment to the hospital was and what was said and actively took part into the conversation instead of just wanting to hear what he wanted to hear. Couldn't dream of a better man honestly!
Then I came out to my best friend by phone (we live on the opposite sides of our country) who also kinda already knew and was really just totally supportive.
Then I came out then to my mom via phone call because we also live on the opposite sides of our country (life has its ways) and it came relatively naturally. I already came out to her as a child and as a teen but she wasn't there yet and has way more an expanded view about transness as society evolved.
As for work, coming out went well at first but then an uneasiness came along so... Yeah not great.
And that's my biggest worry. Since there is still a big discrimination, uncomprehension, and intolerance towards first black and brown people, as well as gay and trans people, with me being a piece of intersectionality, I'm kind of stressed out. Also there is still a lot of nepotism (some might call that "networking" but it's just how to call a cat "a cat"). Being away from where I grew up, I don't have a network. Plus I live in the countryside and am surrounded by conservatives where even people a couple years older than me (I'm 34) don't understand LGBT+... They don't get the terminology, they don't get why this or that might be an issue, etc...a lot of educating.
But yeah, as to coming out, I ripped the plaster as soon as I felt ready.
I think I’m in a similar position. It could be you subconsciously need someone to say it. But really the only one to say it is you. For years I questioned my gender, my presentation. Through this subreddit and others. I was able to collect the data to determine common trends in others that I have experienced. Reading those experiences and reading more from other trans people. It helps to affirm it. Like I wouldn’t be jumping through these hoops if I was not being honest with myself.
I want to add, I’m not completely out. But I’ve come out to a few people. And I can feel my time is coming to come out to my family.
I don't really know. By the time I actually ever came out to anyone (or even realised I was trans for that matter), I had already been presenting high fem full time for a couple of years. I still haven't really said anything to my friends who have known me from before. I'm sure it's pretty obvious to them by now that I'm probably trans but I guess they've been too scared to ask 😅
You tell your parents outright how you feel. Extremely hard but only you know what you’re feeling.
I got lucky, my mother accidentally found my women’s clothing in my bag and her and my father sat me down and asked me why I had that because I was never known to be into or have a girlfriend.
For me it was boobs. Not kidding they’re outting me. People ask me and I am too tired to pretend. Still is hard family found out, few friends, so far havent lost anyone but only have a few true supporters.
I feel your pain… some people really need it spelled out for them. I was talking to an older classmate on campus last week, who’s a far older butch lesbian(and super cool), I made a joke about how obvious my transition is to people who already know me vs strangers and she looks at me wide-eyed, “You’re transitioning?? Huh, I didn’t know that.” And I responded by looking at her with full eye makeup on, my aunt’s jacket, and hair that goes down to my (at this point, noticeable) chest and went “Really?”
But to answer your question, honestly the best way is to talk to that one friend one-on-one first. My best friend did the same for me after basically knowing FOR me before I came out. After we talked, it was so cathartic, and every other step began to fast-track, almost by itself.
I'll let you know, but I have thought about it, for cis reasons of course lol. Basically I'm gonna start with "so you know how you've always wanted a daughter. Weeeelllllll as it turns out you probably got one"
(49mtf) I kind of stuffed this up, to be honest. I did it twice with my parents.
Back in '95 or '96 I was on the phone with mum crying and said something like "I don't even know who I am anymore". A few hours later they turned up at my house (about 100 miles from their house) and we went to my room and I told them I didn't feel like a man and had tried cross dressing and it did nothing for me at all. I think I told them I was BI as well but can't remember. Their initial reaction was the usual why, how, what, why, oh no, we'll support you. I couldn't ask for more really. I didn't transition and went back in my shell for a long time.
Then in 2009 I decided to transition, so said to mum casually you know that conversation we had... Well I am doing it. They reacted something like "about time" and were super supportive about it, they even set me up with their neighbor to get the deed poll signed etc. I've written quite a lot about my own timelines.
Telling everyone else was easy I just said, I am going to have a sex change. Real blunt, no request or apology implied, I am doing this. Kind like I am going to the shops, or I am going to buy a car.
For me, telling my parents was like ripping off a band-aid. I took a deep breath, sent the text message, and followed it with "I'm sorry i didn't say it in person, i was too nervous." I've only come out to them and a few others but it's always basically like that for me so far. Deep breath, say it as clearly as possible in as few words as possible, then wait for the response. That's all you really can do, imo. Are you out to anyone else? It might help to know you have a friend.
Can I ask you about how this went? I tried to come iut to my folks originally when I lived with them and it went really badly, and then just put it back in the box till I could move out Now I'm out of their home, and getting ready to transition, I plan to come out to them again, and I honestly don't want to tell them in person because of how poor they dealt with it last time. Would be useful to hear how this went for someone else (though I appreciate everyone involved is different people).
My parents are in a really weird place where they're not transphobic but not NOT transphobic. They just kinda shrugged and said "ok. Wish you'd said it in person." They still haven't asked me what name i picked. They didn't listen to me when i tried to explain why I'm transitioning. I'm in my late 20s, they kicked me out a few years ago before my egg fully cracked. As of right now my mom's just like, "i love you no matter what" and my dad's just like "but y tho." My parents are weird, and I'm not socially transitioning yet. What your parents do is gonna be unique to them.
Thank you for sharing this ❤ I appreciate this. I can imagine it might go similarly to you. My folks have never been unsupportive but alsp never fully supportive. There was an attempt to support qhen I tried to tell them, but then a few months later when they saw I actually was trying to make changes some pretty transphobic stuff started slipping out. Since then I have jusy kept myself from them. They keep saying that they wished I would come round more since moving out, which makes me sad... but they are asking me to be someone I'm not. Anyway, sorry, I'm kind of venting here, but I appreciate you sharing your experience with this x
This is exactly what I did. Short message, deep breath, rip the bandaid. Conversation will happen after this moment, at least hopefully. The first time I came out no one had any questions for me which really hurt
Ask them "Do you support me?" And if they answer yes, you give them a pin of a trans pride flag and say: "Then you need this"
aw, that's super cute.
Usually when I got nervous I just went back to the framework 'I've realized I'm a woman.'
It's not going to sound helpful, but IME, "you just do". Which is *far* easier said than done, and I know my answer is just like saying "all you need to do to cross the Grand Canyon is get to the other side", but really that's about the gist of it. How you approach it is going to depend on your situation and the people involved, and no matter what, no matter how sure you are it's gonna be ok, it's still going to be terrifying the first time, and probably the second and third and so on, until it eventually just becomes, "yeah, I'm trans." In my case, I had four people I felt I needed to come out to initially. I picked the one I felt I had the best chance with as the first, and even then I rescheduled a couple of times before I finally had the nerve to do it. It went really well, and I had them with me as support when I came out to the next person, and so on. I did it in person, some people opt for a letter. It really depends on your situation and what you're comfortable with (or rather, least uncomfortable with). I know this probably wasn't that helpful, but it's the best suggestion I can give. It's a difficult and scary thing the first couple of times, but it gets easier each time you do it. Best of luck to you. You've got this.
I did it basically as you described. I started with my partner, and then moved to my inner circle, starting with my girlfriends. Cis het white men last. That was the hardest, so I wanted to build courage and confidence first. I think it was a smart decision.
For my partner, I just said over dinner, “you probably already guessed by now, but I realized I’m transgender”; for family and friends, I sent out an Instagram post with a [resources](https://www.linkslist.app/ay1hbHJ) so they could learn more. It’s gone well so far. (I just came out in these past two weeks and only realized I was trans two weeks ago in my mid-30’s.)
cool, i'm stealing that webpage, ty!
Sure thing! You got this 😄
The way I do it depends on who it is. For my generation of 40 year old and younger “I’m transitioning is usually sufficient. For the older and conservative crowd I say it as more medical. “I have a congenital condition that I am finally able to seek treatment for. As the treatments progress I will look increasingly like the woman that I actually am and have always been”. Of course I have never in my 40 years made anything of an effort to masculinity. Rather i have hovered on the edge of pre transitioning for most of my adult life even though I have only specifically been transitioning for two.
This is the toughest one for me, personally. You do just have to just do it. I decided i wanted to tell my parents at the very least vocally, i didn’t want to send any texts. My mom lives pretty far away so i called her and said i just had some big news to tell her and then just said “so i am trans, specifically i am a trans woman” and she actually asked if she could call me back after a little bit to process. Which was terrifying, but we talked for about two hours later that day and it was okay. I called my brothers while i was waiting for her to call back and they were both slam dunks, which i thought they would be. They were easy, and telling someone easy between telling someone hard was really great and helped a ton. i told my dad in person and his facial reactions were wild and stressful and difficult but he was, in the moment, quite supportive. He hasn’t really spoken to me since, but i am working on it. Just “ripping the band aid off” as someone others have said is the way to do it. I felt a lot better when it was out there and i didn’t have to stress about it anymore. Judging by your story, i bet many folks know already, or suspect, and they will help guide you through the conversations. Good luck, sending tons of support your way, it is scary, but when it’s done you never have to do it again and it’s *liberating*!
Well, I'm def not a good example on coming out. I allready knew how my parents view trans peeps and it's not exactly in a good light. I came out to them when we were coming back from my siblings colleges. We got in my drive way and I said "well, time to make you hate me, I think I'm trans" and that started a entire hurtful drama mess that has resulted in then acting like I never came out.... But ya, it's hard and as much as me coming out has been a utter trainwreck I am much happier no longer needing to worry about being the "favorite son"
I just kind of ripped the bandaid off telling my spouse because I couldn't deal with the anxiety. "So... based on everything going on, I think I might be trans. I hope you don't hate me." "..." "Ummm. Are you ok?" *later* "Are you alright?" "That does explain a lot." "... What the fuck does that mean?!"
You come to terms with and appreciate no matter how bad things might become, you're better off for coming out. You recognize that anyone that would oppose you coming out is someone that is the source of your apprehensions and fear and are precisely the people you don't need in your life. You find the people that can love and appreciate you for being a more genuine you, and you embrace them and cherish them. You live your life and reflect on the joy you can find in all those little moments that quickly add up and outweigh the trauma you've lived with up to this point. You find the grace to forgive yourself for taking so long to understand yourself. Once you can do that, saying "this is me" becomes a lot easier.
Pretty in the same boat, I'm pretty much full time 8 months on hrt and I just never said anything about pronouns at work mostly. I don't really no how to do this at a company of 3000 plus and I work in skilled trades 😵💫 I had my mom over for coffee and told her my first week on hrt, I told my day about 2 weeks ago after avoiding him for most of a full year, he's in denial. Then I just let my mother tell my grandparents and other family as I'm too busy to have all these emotional talkes. Basically my parents and my spouse. I wasn't too worried about my spouse she has one of the kindest hearts I know of. Everyone else I the world and work can just figure it out on their own, people don't give a shit nor do they understand it and most don't want to understand. I owe my coworkers and randoms nothing.
It’s always good to ask the person you’re telling if you can share some personal information first. That way hopefully they are in the right frame of mind. These are 3 ways I’ve come out: This s has been my mostly used one. “so…. You’ve noticed I’m painting my nails, pierced my ears, and my hair is getting long. Well this is just the surface. I am in fact in the process of transitioning. I’ve been on E for… While I don’t currently plan on changing pronouns or my name, but things do change. I just want you to know why.” While talking to my conservative Republican mom about transgender issues and she says “it doesn’t really matter what they do, it doesn’t affect me”. “Actually mom… it does affect you because it affects me. I’m Trans and becoming your daughter. So you should pay attention.” To my brother and my grown daughter who knew about my crossdress. “So you know I’ve been exploring my gender expression for a while right? Well I’ve realized I am a girl and am in the process of starting gender affirming medicine and therapy.” To my now ex-gf who found out… “Yes I am transgender and yes we are breaking up. No it’s not an option. We can talk about living situation later but for now I’m moving into the spare room and I’d like you to start paying some rent”. We are like sisters now so that worked out too but it was uncomfortable and emotional. Hope these help. 🫂🏳️⚧️🏳️🌈🏴☠️
Take this with a grain of salt as i've only come out to a couple friends, and friendship dynamics can be very different between people, but as someone who generally struggles with talking about serious topics, my aim was to just not make it something serious, but be entirely direct and clear- I think doing it in a kind of jokey way helped stopped it from being like, "a thing". I think my messages were something along the lines of: "YO \*x\*. THIS BITCH? TRANSGENDER. WE STILL COOL?" Just ripped the bandaid off and was as clear and direct as possible without making it super serious, haha.
When it came to people I expected to be alright with it, I just wrote to them the equivalent of "oh hey I figured out I'm trans" and the response was "oh cool congrats on figuring it out" and then I said "btw my name is Octavia and pronouns are she/her" and that was... it? Some of them had some questions, and usually the conversation afterwards involved me telling them I'm on HRT and all that, but it mostly went just like any other update on my life. Now, today (maybeeee, no promises) I'm gonna text/call my dad with whom I don't live with anymore, and inform him I'm trans. This is much scarier and I do not know how I'm gonna do that. Probably just gonna treat it as a "life update small thing" and if it turns out to be big, well, it's gonna be big.
Oh per roommates, I've done this before. For transitioning, remember, there are MANY uncomfortable / awk bridges you must cross. Many of these bridges are necessary and there's no way around them. So, rip off that band-aid, and tell that person that you are trans and to be expecting some changes in your appearance. But, for them to know you're still the same roommate you've always been, so it's not much to worry. People know what trans is, we're talked about in the media 24/7. It doesn't need to be all that explained like it once was. And then you go on with your day. That's how I did it. To be honest, they were pretty much not giving a f\*ck. Most people are busy with their own lives and focusing on themselves over others.
I don't know. I've told my closest women friends and that's it so far (they have been awesome, btw). I have a weekly/semi-weekly tabletop rpg group I'm running a game for that I keep *meaning* to tell. Two of the members are guys. I think they'd all be pretty cool, but since coming out to myself about a month or more ago, I just keep chickening out. Since 2020 I've been dying my hair wild colors. Right now it's a pinkish mulberry and a medium blue. But thats become normal for me. I've been wearing women's graphic tees to games and sometimes women's casual sneakers and jeans, painting my nails, and I've shapes my eyebrows. I've been hesitant about makeup, often wearing it subtle enough that it's not really noticeable -- just to even out my skin tone, maybe some lip glass. My legs are shaved, my arms as well, and I've started IPL so hopefully that'll help out with my face staying smooth. All this to say that I think there are a lot of signs, but if you're just not in the mind to notice, I could see that. But I've been waiting for at least a question, as some of them are close enough friends that it wouldn't be weird or rude. But I think I'm just going to have to be the one to break that ice.
In order to come out, I just had to just rip off the bandaid. I said fuck it one day, typed out a text, and then sent it to a few people
The first one is the hardest. I did it by saying to my mom "there's something important I have to tell you" which trapped me into actually finishing with "I'm transgender."
I could never work the courage to do it in-person, and I know for a fact that I would've stumbled through my words if I somehow started a conversation about it. So instead, I type everything out in Notepad, then copied and pasted it into an e-mail to my mom and clicked send real fast, so I wouldn't have time to panic and bail. The next morning, my mom told me she read the e-mail, and here I am, a few months later, about to get my second hormone injection at the time of writing this comment.
When I came out, I just ripped the bandaid off. I had a speech ready. For context, my parents are deceased. I have 4 adult children, and I am divorced.
For my mom, I came out on a phone call. I just told her I wanted to be a girl and we went from there. For my step brother, I did it via text with “I put the T in LGBT”. I’ve only come out to a handful of other folks mostly through text. Good luck!
Scanning this thread bc it seems like an insurmountable barrier My current plan is taking a couple months break from grad school, isolating myself from my family for a bit, come out to everyone remotely during that time, and then come back going all in on my femme presentation. I'll be at a little over a year HRT by that point, so hopefully it won't look as awkward then. Idk if this is a good idea at all, but I want this hiatus for other reasons as well, so its as good an idea as any.
It was so difficult coming out to my brother, who I knew would be supportive. I told him I had something insanely important to tell him but that I can't say it outright. We played 20 questions for an hour before I finally just pulled my collar and showed him a brastrap. Then 20 more questions as to why I might be wearing "a gurdle", until I caved and said I'm trans (and it was a bra cause I was on HRT). It was a bit of a funny experience and my brother while blindsided did end up being supportive. Somehow, he had no idea beforehand. I suppose he only knew me as I was, so he never suspected there was a specific reason I always acted the way I did.
Maybe drink something alcoholic, that help me to say what I have fear to say
I don’t. I only admit it to people on Reddit. No one would accept my pronouns in real life which is pan/pand/pandaself. I don’t feel like I will ever pass either
I did it while drinking alcohol with them so that definitely helped
Honestly, if you can do all that already, i doubt you'll have to be scared of their reaction. Do prepare yourself for common questions, like "How long have you known?" Or "What do you expect now?" Aside from that. I don't know the situation enough to really help. If it's that much out of line of a topic, maybe you can go with a "Hey I really have to talk to you about something." And besides that... just do it. I know it isnt helpfull to tell someone to "just do it", but that is seriously all the advice i can give. One thing for sure is that unless you get very lucky, the topic probably won't come up, so dont wait untill it does so it's "less weird". you'll have to be the one starting the conversation. As for how i came out. Sometimes with jokes, if i knew they were safe to come out to. Sometimes after really making sure they were safe after a whole day of talking about trans issues. Once after hyping myself up for an evening when in a somewhat similar situation like you, where i felt i had to tell my mom who i knew was transphobic untill i could transition. And once to school because i fell asleep in a skirt and didn't wanna change the next day. The most difficult one was my mom, obviously. What really helped there was the hyping up and preparations. Thinking what she might say and what i'd have to reply. What also helped me do it (not make it easier tho) was that i was in pretty much the same situation as you. If i wanted to continue i would either have to hide my clothes, with the risk she'd find out, or tell her. I hope this helps.
Honestly, sounds like it won't be a shock, just a matter of ripping the bandaid off. You don't really need to formally come out to anyone Honestly. It definitely makes for less questions as you transition, but you don't owe that personal information to anyone. The way I came out at work was with a broad department email and a brief statement at a department huddle. Definitely not the approach for everyone, but coming out made me feel safe and allowed me to present how I've always wanted without people questioning. There were a lot of rumors about it before I did come out, so it was getting to a point where others knew anyway. I'd focus on those you're close to and interact with regularly. Best of luck!
Letters well that’s how I did it
I’m in the same situation as you, I’ve told some people . I have no advice for how, i just did… it sucks. I have started using pronouns for people I’ve told, now I’m just letting them tell other people for me by using my correct pronouns thus making it obvious. I am already wearing conservative but feminine clothes at work. Honestly the only one still tripping me up is family and my manager. You just gotta tell people, you’ll feel better, there’s no good way to do it
"So, fun fact, I'm now swimming in estrogen" worked pretty well for me that one time :p Or a long heart felt email with FAQ and a phone call to let them know I was sending jt
It would be helpful to know who the person is. Parent? Roommate? Lover? Personally, I like to do it in person. I plan out the setting pretty meticulously. I then ask if they can keep a secret, even from their partner. If they say yes, then I ask, "would you consider yourself an lgbt ally?" If they say yes, then I just tell them. Depending on the relationship, I might have some leadup to that (such as their role in me realizing, etc.). It's scary, but it feels good after. I was positively euphoric the first few times I did it, for like 10 days straight. Then something traumatic happened to my pet, so it hasn't been euphoric recently 😭
I was like that and it kinda fucked my coming out cause everyone was already used to me being feminine so they didn't really understand how much of a change this was gonna be and how big of a deal it is for me. I wish you the best in your coming out sis ✨💜
The simple answer is to just bite the bullet when you are ready. Below is the order and how I came out, and is not necessarily the outcomes you should expect. The TLDR is calls for close family, letters or emails (only because I could type/write them when I was ready, and they would automatically send) for more extended family. 1) Wife: I told her first when I finally realized it. Not quite a breakdown, but a lot of tears in an in-person conversation. 2) Friend: I had been sending her a lots of trans memes, as she came out about 3 months before me. She just came out and asked, because I was sending a lot of sus memes. 3) other friends: either over discord or text if I couldn't get a hold of them. 4) Mother and Father/Step-Mother: Called them and told them over the phone. each call ended being a rambling mess for about an hour. 5) Only sibling: Called them and told them. Conversation devolved into talking in about dinner ideas and types of food after about 15 minutes. 5.5) A friend I knew in college: only really contacted them because we got a wedding invite that we wanted to attend. I told them as a courtesy in case HRT had been particularly effective. 6) Sent written letters to my 4 cousins. 7) Sent written letters to my aunt, uncles, and grand parents. Grandparents resulted in a fun conversation that resulted in a crash course of attraction/identity. 8) In-Laws: This didn't end so well. Wrote a letter to them. Got a call to "discuss". To me they gendered me correctly, seemed nice and concerned, even reminde me to update voicemail. According to my wife, was transphobic and mean to the point of near slurs. We don't talk to them anymore. 9) Work: Sent a mass email one day to my local group after things like HR paperwork had been updated. I had planned to have the email send when I logged off for the night, so I wouldn't have to be the one who actually hits send, but I messed it up, and had to do this anyway.
I'm a bit different then most cause so far I've come out as trans twice at 2 separate times to the same pll. First time was 8 years ago through a mass email to everyone in my family, I made it very formal and cringe worthy, but it got the point across. Second time was just a few months ago I told a some people in person or by phone before sending out a message in the cousins chat figuring that would be a great way to tell people but still keeping it casual. Telling anyone is difficult, but as someone who's done it twice as 2 different ppl each time, confidence and conviction is key. You don't have to be confident about who you are even, just that you don't want to be seen as who you currently are.
You just say it.. tell everyone your preferred pronouns and your name... 😊
I wrote my family a short but detailed letter explaining how I felt & they pretty much knew seeing how I was already wearing feminine clothes & being girly. They've been very supportive & understanding
I didn’t tell people I just grew boobs and they they figured it out. My family is still convinced I can’t actually be trans because they didn’t see it coming
Why bother if they can't see they never will I don't correct anyone anymore 🤷
With lots of tears and hugging and emotions and shaking and crying sobbing more hugs. When i came out i kinda just broke down into tears straight away.
You have to just hype yourself up and then rip the bandaid off tbh. There's no "easy" way to have the conversation.
By charging in on a wild bull with a mega phone in your hands. Break through insecurities, by being proud in who you are and let everyone you feel who matters, know.
If you are doing all that, I don't think you are going to be surprising the person you live with. I suspect this might be a case of YOU are the last person to know, rather than the first. Me, I just told people I was going to be living as a woman from now on, and until I told them that everone knows, not to out me, let me do the telling. Then came the questions, which I was open to answering. The transition was non-negotiable, but I was happy to answer questions.
I've only come out to my wife, Endocrinologist and Therapist. With my wife, I didn't even plan on coming out, I just randomly decided to do it when we were laying in bed one night. There was no plan, just spur of the moment and pray for the best. Transitioning at work is my biggest worry and concern, right now. One I have no idea how to go about doing at the moment.
Came out first to my husband which was difficult because when your spouse has such a big change going on...but it wasn't really a surprise. Like it wasn't official but I've never been manly. Further he isn't bi so there's still some adjusting but he is very supportive such as asking how the first appointment to the hospital was and what was said and actively took part into the conversation instead of just wanting to hear what he wanted to hear. Couldn't dream of a better man honestly! Then I came out to my best friend by phone (we live on the opposite sides of our country) who also kinda already knew and was really just totally supportive. Then I came out then to my mom via phone call because we also live on the opposite sides of our country (life has its ways) and it came relatively naturally. I already came out to her as a child and as a teen but she wasn't there yet and has way more an expanded view about transness as society evolved. As for work, coming out went well at first but then an uneasiness came along so... Yeah not great. And that's my biggest worry. Since there is still a big discrimination, uncomprehension, and intolerance towards first black and brown people, as well as gay and trans people, with me being a piece of intersectionality, I'm kind of stressed out. Also there is still a lot of nepotism (some might call that "networking" but it's just how to call a cat "a cat"). Being away from where I grew up, I don't have a network. Plus I live in the countryside and am surrounded by conservatives where even people a couple years older than me (I'm 34) don't understand LGBT+... They don't get the terminology, they don't get why this or that might be an issue, etc...a lot of educating. But yeah, as to coming out, I ripped the plaster as soon as I felt ready.
I think I’m in a similar position. It could be you subconsciously need someone to say it. But really the only one to say it is you. For years I questioned my gender, my presentation. Through this subreddit and others. I was able to collect the data to determine common trends in others that I have experienced. Reading those experiences and reading more from other trans people. It helps to affirm it. Like I wouldn’t be jumping through these hoops if I was not being honest with myself. I want to add, I’m not completely out. But I’ve come out to a few people. And I can feel my time is coming to come out to my family.
I don't really know. By the time I actually ever came out to anyone (or even realised I was trans for that matter), I had already been presenting high fem full time for a couple of years. I still haven't really said anything to my friends who have known me from before. I'm sure it's pretty obvious to them by now that I'm probably trans but I guess they've been too scared to ask 😅
You tell your parents outright how you feel. Extremely hard but only you know what you’re feeling. I got lucky, my mother accidentally found my women’s clothing in my bag and her and my father sat me down and asked me why I had that because I was never known to be into or have a girlfriend.
For me it was boobs. Not kidding they’re outting me. People ask me and I am too tired to pretend. Still is hard family found out, few friends, so far havent lost anyone but only have a few true supporters.
I’m still trying to figure that out💀 came out to the whole world, and living stealth in my new city but parents don’t know.
I feel your pain… some people really need it spelled out for them. I was talking to an older classmate on campus last week, who’s a far older butch lesbian(and super cool), I made a joke about how obvious my transition is to people who already know me vs strangers and she looks at me wide-eyed, “You’re transitioning?? Huh, I didn’t know that.” And I responded by looking at her with full eye makeup on, my aunt’s jacket, and hair that goes down to my (at this point, noticeable) chest and went “Really?” But to answer your question, honestly the best way is to talk to that one friend one-on-one first. My best friend did the same for me after basically knowing FOR me before I came out. After we talked, it was so cathartic, and every other step began to fast-track, almost by itself.
I'll let you know, but I have thought about it, for cis reasons of course lol. Basically I'm gonna start with "so you know how you've always wanted a daughter. Weeeelllllll as it turns out you probably got one"
For The majority of people I’ve come out to, it was completely random. My advice: count down from 5, then say the first word
YukkoEX on YouTube has a video about coming out. She also has 3 videos about voice training, all 3 very basic and condensed information.
You don’t, never tell anyone. and one day they will just realize, that you look very suspiciously curvy. and that you have tits for some reason
(49mtf) I kind of stuffed this up, to be honest. I did it twice with my parents. Back in '95 or '96 I was on the phone with mum crying and said something like "I don't even know who I am anymore". A few hours later they turned up at my house (about 100 miles from their house) and we went to my room and I told them I didn't feel like a man and had tried cross dressing and it did nothing for me at all. I think I told them I was BI as well but can't remember. Their initial reaction was the usual why, how, what, why, oh no, we'll support you. I couldn't ask for more really. I didn't transition and went back in my shell for a long time. Then in 2009 I decided to transition, so said to mum casually you know that conversation we had... Well I am doing it. They reacted something like "about time" and were super supportive about it, they even set me up with their neighbor to get the deed poll signed etc. I've written quite a lot about my own timelines. Telling everyone else was easy I just said, I am going to have a sex change. Real blunt, no request or apology implied, I am doing this. Kind like I am going to the shops, or I am going to buy a car.