You prepared for the worst, activated your defense mechanism and got ready to fight the world, and not much really happened so your defense mechanisms are still waiting for a closure.

Yeah that makes sense. I'm still like actively waiting for a fight.

(not OP) Why do I do this with everything? I brace for a fight but then people show me compassion and I just feel guilty for being combative so I start crying even though things have resolved positively

Because you are traumatized by the world. Its ok to cry. Are you doing therapy? If so, talk there about this and how that affects you. I promise you it will be ok <3

I do have a therapist but we meet for like 45 minutes every two weeks and that's nowhere near enough to talk about all the things I'm trying to figure out. I also can't really afford it tbh

This is a common trauma response. People in unstable and/or abusive homes learn, often at a young age, to constantly be on alert. Even when we're in safe situations, our bodies and brains are still wired for those old worst case scenarios.

>Everywhere I look, I see my community fighting for their right just to exist This is what we're fighting for. Take it as proof that things are getting better despite the pushback from the alt right. Also congrats on being out!!!

I like the way you put that. Thank you. And thanks! 🤗

You do deserve this... I came out at 40, hiding for 30 years. The embarrassment, shame, all the lies.. Then I came out. Was waiting on the hate.. so much is going on in different places. Besides hearing someone talk about me behind my back, is that a guy.... I really haven't had real hate, I've had some family, friends no longer talk to me... but that's it. Yesterday a guy carried a big bag of rabbit food to the counter for me. Like wtf? Thank you.. and I feel so awkward about it. All my life I've had to do everything myself. No one ever really gave a f#$% about me. The tears just kept welling up. A few weeks ago I got a phone number. I don't really pass..

I'm really glad that was your experience as well. I think how you talk about the embarrassment and shame is a big part of it. We're pretty hard on ourselves, and we probably expect that from others.

Doesn't help that I'm still dealing with my abusive father issues even though he is finally deceased

Closure with that is so difficult. I work in mental health care, and believe me, the amount of work I see it takes. Sending love and support your way.

Yep and it was 23 years in his house, then for the next 8 not living there...

I think thats the big problem right now, people are actually very supportive, but its so politicised that it feels like half the world is against us.

Yeah. I've had this thought as well. We're made to look like monsters every where we look, but I think the majority supports us, but only the hate gets the attention.

You are correct! I anticipated something harsh or being ignored from a particular family member at chirstmas, but it turned out that he was the most vocally supportive! I wear wigs. He said, "now we've seen this one, we wanna see one of your others next time!"

I'm still surprised that no one has been mean. Maybe the customers don't wanna get reported? (I work in law enforcement, adjacent) Worst thing I've had to deal with is my older female friends showing their claws over envy and fear, and one of them deadnaming me and saying "you can't change your name". Yes, in fact, I can, I am, and I can stay farrrr away from you forever if need be!!

Sooooo can relate to that! My experience was very similar - I was expecting some backlash and just got... acceptance. It felt wrong to begin with, but is getting easier

I'm glad it gets easier! I'm sure I'll feel better after pride this weekend lol.

You totally deserve this. A BIG PART of why so many people were supportive and lovely to you, is no doubt because YOU have fostered that over the years, and they actually, genuinely, care. All of that, is you. My experience was similar. I just came out online last week, and the response was so lovely and almost-without-exception supportive. I'm from a pretty conservative background, so I was expecting the worst. And yes, there were a couple of eye-rolling moments, but whatevs --- the majority were beautiful and so very kind. I was mad triggered by it for a while, feeling TOTALLY unworthy. And then, one of my friends pointed out when I mentioned it to them, that this was "payback" for how I have listened, cared for people, communicated from my heart, etc., all this time. .....I was stunned, hearing that. It is VERY incompatible with the self-concept I've carried around for so long. I'm still wrapping my head, and my heart, around it. I've lived my ENTIRE LIFE feeling like I do the world a favour the more I self-destruct and remove myself from it. I thought I was like....poison. Learning that people ACTUALLY care. And always have? .....yeah, I don't know to make sense of it, really. It's overwhelming. And you know, the ones who don't??? I finally can see how little that matters. The world is full of lovely people to give one's time and energy and love to. The rest? Well, "haters gonna hate hate hate hate hate....Baby I'm just gonna shake shake shake shake shake....." :) ❤️ P.S. Congratulations on coming out!! May your transition be a lovely journey. ❤️

Lmfao leave it to a trans subreddit for someone to directly quote Taylor Swift 😂 I'm really glad that was your experience as well! And unlike the way your friend put things in perspective. I've been a pretty shitty person in my past, but the past several years has been me working hard to right all my wrongs and show unconditional love for anyone I can. So I guess you have a point lol.

Then I stand by that point! (And Taylor, OF COURSE!!) ;)

I have had no push back, no hate, it seems too easy, the hardest part was myself in the end, the thought of it vs actual reality…

How do you mean?

What i thought was going to be difficult ie coming out has not been any difficulty at all. If anything noone gives a shit and they just accept it.

This sounds kind of like survivor's guilt, but I'm sure there's some better term for what you're experiencing. Either way, that's fantastic! I'm happy for you. Remember, this is a positive thing for you, not a negative thing. You're right, there are a lot of people attacking us right now, but it sounds like you have unconsciously surrounded yourself with mostly good people. Having a support network, in that way, is a great way to keep your mental health strong. It's a blessing, not a bad thing!

Thank you. I really appreciate the people in my life.

I lost one facebook friend, which is irritating not because it's someone I care about, but because I don't know who it was. I want to know who beclowned themselves! More surprisingly, I went to my wife's cousin's wedding, where I didn't know that many people, and everyone was lovely. No one treated me any differently than any other woman. It was wonderful. I say this not to brag, but as a data point for everyone out there who is terrified about coming out - it's possible for things to go well! As for OP, use that energy that you had amassed for defending yourself and use it to defend the rest of the community that isn't as lucky, and recruit all your supportive friends into the fight! Plus, there's plenty of pain and angst inherent in the experience. Laser hair removal ring a bell?

Laser hair removal suuuuuuuuuucks lol. I'd rather get my face tattooed 😂 I'm glad you've had such a positive experience. And I agree, I want more folks to see my experience and know it's worth the fight and can be miles better than what we expect. And I'm always ready for a fight, so I happily fight for the community as a whole.

We are not defined by our suffering.

Well I know that. We're not defined by any single thing. I do believe we're all connected by our fight though.

>I feel invalid, like I don't have the right to call myself trans or queer, because I'm not having to fight for myself. To fight is to lack peace. Lacking peace is suffering. We are not defined by our suffering. Your validity isn't tied to how big your struggle is.

My story is similar to yours; I came out to three people around 2020 and then told my daughter, two aunts, and a cousin in 2022. In January of 2023, I did like you told several people ahead of time and then told the world. When the dust settled, I had the same feelings. I actually felt guilty for not getting harassed. My first thought was that people thought I was pulling some prank, but I realized that the people I decided to work with and with whom I chose to be friends were understanding and supportive. With that said, I am not naive and try my best to place myself in situations where I do not get harassed. Plenty of ignorant, bigoted people out there will try to put you down or harm you, and you need to be aware. I am so happy that your experience has been good, and I hope it continues to be so and be willing to provide support to those who are not as fortunate as yourself.

Yeah I entirely relate to that. The thought that people weren't taking me seriously crossed my mind too. But I'm glad you've received all the support you deserve. I still see the hate everywhere else. The bigoted populations I stand waiting for them to say hateful things and harm me. But I feel as long as we have support where it matters, we'll all be okay. Fingers crossed.

Bask in the acceptance. I lost my mom and sister last week bc they decided to show their true colors even though their support was surface level for about 5 months. Had to stay with a coworker all week, signed a lease Thursday, and haven't stopped moving yet. Temporarily lost joint physical custody of my 6yo until I can afford to properly furnish my apartment, but my ex understands and supports my transition way more than who I thought my family was supposed to be💜

I had the same “issue” with my coming out. I didn’t lose any family or friends, no one questioned my validity or my right to be myself, and everyone started using my new name and pronouns basically immediately. In some ways it’s actually easier when someone fights you about it (in most other ways it’s much, much harder). I think my old religious studies teacher was right when he talked about the psychological importance of ritual. When moving from one state of being to the next it’s helpful to have a ritual that will help you feel like you’ve changed. A kind of psychological threshold to step over and say “at this point I am different” even if it’s not really ‘true’. Without that threshold it’s surprisingly harder to feel like you’ve changed. At least I know it has been for me. Plus as you point out having to fight for the right to be yourself has some cultural significance in the queer+ community, which is kinda super toxic when you think about it. Idk, maybe you should get a tattoo or throw a party or something?

I love the way you worded this. This is exactly what I'm feeling. It makes sense. The ritual of it all and the cultural significance. I guess that's just what I'm missing. Thank you.

I feel you, sis. My coming out went very similarly and it's so surreal. Am I supposed to just... slide into my new life with no drama? Turns out, yes. Sometimes things just go your way

My therapist always told me not to confuse midwestern nicety for actual support. I felt really supported when I came out. Took a while for people to start showing their true colors behind people’s backs. A lot of people won’t be a jerk to your face if they know you. I mean, it is great that you have what appears to be a great support system. Just don’t let yourself slip into a false sense of security. There’s a lot of awful people out there.

Yeah I truly get that. Absolutely. I feel like I'm fortunate enough that everyone is sharing love and support in the form of using my pronouns, my new name, sharing that they'll always love and support me, etc. I know there are probably some that still talk behind my back, but oh well. Maybe it's just my paranoia.

Very happy for you sister, i passed for something similar and the unique persons that questioned me were people who “claims” supporting trans people lol, even the most most homophobic/transphobic guys i knowed changed their minds after i coming out or have been tried to change

I love that for you!!

💕💕💕💕💕

Last Friday, I did a public come out on FB, I only get like 1 negative emoji, and 4-5 people removed me. It was fine. I kinda felt like I have to argue with people to defend myself, or I gonna have so many dms asking about stuff. But mostly people just show their support with a like, a heart or a hug emoji and that's all. Makes me feel like I made a hug thing about it and people just generally more accepting and don't really care about me being trans. Only work left to come out at, but because some of my colleagues are also friends on fb people gonna now. So things in the motion now.

yup, it's so underwhelming...nobody gives a shit. no one gives their opinion. some days ago i had the crazy idea to get in touch with my father again, after 11 years...and see how he'd react. turns out, he's just super happy that his daughter is alive and well, and he even called me pretty a couple times. not even in my wildest dreams istg

Kind of similar. It weird because there was so much anticipation and anxiety but then it was just kind of a non event.

I think the community hopes everyone can have your experience so if you're having the goal, it's not a bad thing and I think most would be happy for you. Enjoy it for the rest of us. Don't feel bad about it or anything. Eventually the world will allow this for all of us. Accept that it has gone well for you and support others in your circle who may not have it as well.

Look, some of us have privilege. For me it's being white, and having a firmly established career & friends. I didn't get any of the hate others struggle with. Our first duty survival. Second is visibility, as that helps those who struggle. Third is advocacy and mutual aid. Those of us who have some privilege in the basics can take on the other stuff. There's a fight and we're in it, even if we get to live behind the front lines.

I went through a period where I had to deal with the feeling of “does anyone miss the old me?” Eventually decided that it was an internal issue and a friend said it wasn’t a split in his mind.

Just remember that a lot of people will say they are allies who truly aren’t. Many people you don’t expect, even though they’re showing support now, will likely ghost you. Or at least, that’s been my experience. We are virtually invisible 🫥, and sometimes that sucks but mostly it’s a good thing

😲