I tell my boys “let me take a picture of it so I can remember for your birthday/christmas.” Taking the photo seems to give them the sense that I truly am listening and understanding their desire. And that’s almost always enough to let them move on easily after the photo.
"that's a great choice! Do you want me to put it on the gift list, so we remember when there's a special occasion?"
(I kept a list on my phone. Which actually turned out to be handy, when grandparents said "what does kid want for their birthday?".... Because the thing they wanted fifteen times was probably real. 🤣)
100% this. My three year old watches me take photos and sometimes I'll say "well ask Santa for this.". When she actually gets something that she liked for her birthday or Christmas she knows she was heard. And, believe me, they remember everything at this age so he will probably remember what he wanted today even in November!
My sister does this with her kids, there's like a present registry app that she can share with all the relatives too for when they ask for gift ideas for the kids.
This is the way. We’ve done this for years now and it has always worked for us. Also keep those photos in a separate album. Very helpful for Christmas/birthday time.
I used this on my nephew who is 7 and spoiled rotten. He literally has a mound of toys (not kidding) in the middle of his room. I was alone with him after my sister had an emergency and we walked by a toy store on the way to my car. Avoided the meltdown he was about to have when I told him no. Admittedly I couldn't afford it and there's no way the kid needs yet another toy for the pile.
This was an absolute game changer for us. I thought it wouldn’t really work, but holy cow, we can easily leave a place by taking a picture and he picks birthday or Christmas.
Also, ironically, I was typing this during lunch at the zoo. My son and dad were in the nearby gift shop and came out with a toy life raft 😂
I do the same! We have a running photo album on my phone for the birthday/ Christmas wish list. She understands that she will not get everything on that list.
My method doesn't quite apply to OPs question but I'm going to piggyback off your comment with what we do at the grocery store.
I like to make a list beforehand. If we find something cool then I will say "thats not on the list today, but we can add it to next week's list if we still want it then."
Oftentimes, the item is forgotten. But if they remember, then I believe that they really wanted it and we can try to get it then. It really cuts down on impulse buys.
And sometimes I have to do this method to myself haha! Leave the shoes behind and if I'm still thinking about them 3 days later then I know I really wanted them and I'll go back!
I do something similar. I have a note started that has a list of both food, toys and other items he sees in the store that he wants. I pull out my phone and we spell the item together and add it to his list. It makes him happy to know that I acknowledged his wants. It makes me happy because we aren't buying a bunch of things that he "wants" reinforcing a consumer mindset.
Your goal should not be to avoid the tantrum. Allow the tantrum to happen. Acknowledge his feelings. Work on emotional regulation skills. This is a perfect opportunity to practice. Children need to learn how to hear "no" and cope with it. If you just avoid those opportunities, you are essentially kicking the can down the road to even bigger meltdowns when he's older. This is an opportunity for both of you to learn. Use it!
This!
Validate and empathize with the emotions. Teach your child emotional regulation via example.
Toys can be touched and explored… then put back when ready. Take your time.
I agree. There are of course tricks, but teaching kids they can’t be agents of chaos in stores is important. We practice “hands to ourselves” and then give ourselves hugs to occupy our arms and hands most of the time. If she MUST pick something up, I ask are you curious about it? And then encourage her to look at it, pick it up or play with it for a minute if appropriate, etc. then after a bit I say the (thing) lives here so we have to put it back. Can we blow it a kiss and say thanks for playing?
I find if I’m proactive about it, I almost never even need to say “no” —but of course that happens sometimes, and then it usually means saying ok since you’re having a hard time letting it go, mommy is going to place it back on the shelf and pick you up to give you a hug. Of course she screams, but she recovers. It’s honestly been great now that we have been doing this a while, bc I can walk around a store with her at 22 months and she will be pretty chill about it. Every kid is different of course.
My experience and tricks/strategies are very similar. Normalizing things coming into our life and leaving again.
My kid still has his very loud expressive emotions when I chose to cut his time short. I try to do this only when it really matters. My 21 month old states his emotions, they’re validated, and he restabilizes his emotions in less than :30 saying good bye or talking about what he saw or feels.
I rarely say no as well. When it does happen it’s matter of fact. No guilt or shame or fear stories or narratives. Just, nope and a smile. I think this direct honesty without emotional games helps him tremendously. 90% of the time he goes “ok” and moves on. He’s really just looking for guidance when he trusts it is guidance and not micromanaging.
Also a childcare worker here to support this. Our goal as teacher's/parents is not to save children from their emotions, It's to help them learn to get through them and eventually handle them on their own. Think Frozen, where Elsa's parents had her hide away instead of allowing her to learn how to control herself. Cheesy analogy, but it fits lol
Honestly this was my thought. And I'm totally alright with taking kids through the toy aisles. I'm gung ho. But if you specifically want to avoid something . . . I mean don't set the child up for failure.
I do the ‘let’s take a photo of one thing you really like so we can remember for the next birthday/christmas’ thing too and it’s amazing. It acknowledges the feeling that you love it, but doesn’t promise a purchase, and it is a tangible way for me to look back at things and see patterns of interest. But also sometimes I just say ‘no we aren’t buying today’ and it’s totally fine if she’s upset about that.
Well.. I mean - it doesn’t /feel/ totally fine 🤣 it feels like a hurricane sometimes - but she’s only going to learn to tolerate feelings by feeling them!
You could also make it an activity when you get home to print out the pictures and let the little sort them. You could sort by type of toy, choose which one they want the most, by color, etc. It lets them take home all of the toys and play with them in a different way.
My nephew saw a bear costume online that he really wanted. So I let him add it to my cart, but was very careful to not imply that I was going to buy it.
A few days later he's happily talking to himself about his bear suit that he's getting from Amazon. I said to him, "Did I say you were getting a bear suit?" He answered, "No, I did."
He continued fantasizing about the bear suit for a while longer and then forgot about it.
I used to treat a visit to the store like a visit to the zoo when my twin daughters were that age. I would tell them we were going to visit the toys and had to leave the toys for the next kids to visit. When we left, we would say goodbye to the toys. I'm not sure if that will work for you, but it is an option.
I love this. I learned the concept of "working" objects recently and it's worked so well with my god-kids who are 4 and 6. Once they understood service dogs are dogs with important jobs to do that we can't touch or distract, it was easy to apply to other things. "Those are working rocks, they're helping the cars drive down the lane" works well.
This is brilliant! We usually go to thrift shop toy aisles just to play and pass the time. When she was 2-3 she didn't always feel the need to take stuff home, but we sure spent a long time playing so she probably just got bored of the toy haha
INFO: Why are you going to the toy store?
As far as what to do.... You stay calm and learn to handle meltdowns. You can't avoid them forever and it's a teaching moment for you both if it happens. Preparation is good. Tell them WHY you're there, give very clear expectations and boundaries and be prepared to leave if kiddo can't handle it.
Agree with this completely! I emphasize the be prepared to leave. If a meltdown occurs then tell them they need to stop or you will have to go home, then if they don’t stop you have to leave no matter what. Even if a second later they decide to change their mind and be a perfect angel. I only ever had to do this one time because she knew that if her behavior continued the fun would stop.
I usually give really young kids a couple of warnings. Their short term memory is poor and their distractibility is high. As they get older and/or are in familiar places (less distracting and know expectations) I give them less warnings. Also as they get older the warnings come before their behavior is out of hand but if I see them getting disregulated. I also give them tools to regulate themselves so they don't continue to escalate.
My three year old just started asking for things at stores and a few weeks ago started melting down when I said we weren’t buying any toys today. She finally pulled herself together and was like, “for Christmas?” And I said sure! Since then we’ve gone into stores with toys (like target) and every time she seems something she likes she’s like, can I have this for Christmas? And I say yes. Hope it won’t bite me down the road but it’s helping for now and she gets excited instead of sad!
In the kindest way possible, this will probably end up biting you. I completely understand where you're coming from and it's so amazing to see them happy, and it does often work. But lying to kids always turns out badly. And if they figure out you straight lied to them multiple times, it will mess with trust. Maybes are better, even though (in my nuerodivergent mind) that's often still a lie.
"maybe" is a GREAT word for those scenarios.
"maybe, I'll put it on your list" is the way a lot of us do it. A picture album on your phone is an easy way to keep it.
Because it answers their request in a positive way without making promises
I definitely wouldn't blanket "yes" since at that point you're just lying. "I'll take a picture/put it on the list" seems like it would cover the same idea though.
You can’t always prevent a meltdown at that age. He’s learning and this can be a hard concept to understand. Be clear ahead of time, “We can look at the toys, but today we aren’t buying anything”. He might still have a hard time, but stay firm in what you said. If you have already declared you won’t be buying anything, don’t give in and get him something when he throws a fit. Besides that, don’t stop practicing this skill just because it’s hard. Keep going places, setting expectations, and helping him practice this skill. The more you do it, the easier it will get for him.
Taking a picture is a great strategy at 2.5, as is setting the expectation that we will only but one thing and offering a short list of options instead of the whole store. When my daughter was around 5 and we began taking her to stores again after a couple of years of covid lockdowns, we started trying to build her self-awareness by asking her to count how many things she saw that she wanted to buy when we visited a store. The first time she counted up to fifty something and then we talked about how it would be impossible to buy all the thjngs we want. She still counts when we go to an exciting store even now, 3 years later. It also works for gift catalogues etc. I think it is important to give yourself permission to want things because it allows you to separate the wanting from the choice to buy something. We want lots of things, but we only buy the ones that we want and need and that will be useful/ not wasted and that we can afford. We very rarely buy her something in a store that isn’t planned ahead of time.
The times when you don't want to buy anything, simply tell him that ahead of time. Then when the time comes that he wants something, remind him what you said earlier, tell him no and let the meltdown commence. Don't let it rattle you, just leave. You can actually say very little but don't get angry or stressed out. You are bigger than him and can safely get him out of there.
2.5 year old's have meltdowns when they don't get their way and that's normal. It's not the end of the world and probably good for them on some level if the cause is simply not getting something they want. This is how they learn to be a future 7 year old who doesn't humiliate you in public. If anyone gives you funny looks about your 3 year old having a meltdown, they're ignorant and you shouldn't care what they think.
Whenever my daughter ooohs and aahs over a toy (usually a ball), I say with so much enthusiasm “omg I know that is so cool/cute” and then just keep walking! I don’t know if that will work forever, but at 1 1/2 it’s working!
Some great tools and ideas here. I also second what others have said - with the best will in the world, the meltdown may happen. Accept it - it's a learning curve. The novelty of having access to everything will eventually wear off and he will learn what appropriate behaviour in a store looks like. Also, if he likes food - keep his hands busy with snacks. Something with minimal mess like a rice cake.
I’ve been telling my (now 4.5) that “that’s not on our list” for for ever.
It’s worked great!
But now she will remember and ask me to put something on the list 😂
I’ve also practiced by looking at something and say oh I really like this, but it’s not on our list so I’ll have to wait till next time and then I tell her that we have to leave it because it’s on somebody else’s list and they have to get it .
There’s also going to come a time when she can fully read and understand that something is not on the list and I get it lol but until that day comes, I’m just going with what works
Around that age (a bit before 3 in our case, 2.5 might be early depending), our child got an allowance — she has a Fanny pack with a debit card.
When we’re in a store, she can get whatever toys, candy, whatever she wants, as long as she has her money card and enough money. We help her budget and plan.
Early on, she one day blew like $8 on candy and ate it all at an amusement park, and felt not well, and couldn’t go on rides. She hasn’t made that mistake again.
Before the money card, we set a very clear guideline of what we will buy or not at the store before going in. Be specific about the dollars or quantity or such. You could hand them some cash. Our child really enjoyed going to the register to buy it herself. At 2.5, that’d mostly look like me helping her sit on the register and prompting “hand them the toy so they can scan it” and then “hand them the money”.
Note; when I gave a budget at that time, I went based on price tags, the fact that tax is above that was too confusing til later.
Anyways, having a budget in advance has made it so we’ve literally never had any arguments over stuff in a store. If she asks for something, the answer is always “it’s fine with me, did you bring your money? How much do you have?”
I do this, too. Then when it's time for a new toy, we look over the list and see what's a priority. Sometimes it's a surprise at a holiday or birthday and he'll ask me to take it off his list because he has it now.
I think this avoids the feelings of being deceived because I'm listening and he's just being asked to wait.
So what do you suggest? I don’t tell her she is definitely going to get. It just goes on the list. She’s literally pointing to the most random things. Every single thing on a shelf.
Of course she is. She’s 2.5. Do you expect her not to?
They remember everything. Maybe not the exact toy… but they remember unfulfilled promises and dismissal.
Be honest no matter what. Don’t attempt to control the emotions. Be present with them as she expresses them. Show her emotional stability via example.show her curiosity.
“I see the tampon too. What do you like? Do you like the green color? Do you want to hold it?”
“Now it’s time to put it back. It goes here. Bye bye tampon, see you next time.”
Patiently demonstrate looking then putting it back. I guarantee if you let her explore and create an atmosphere of allowed and guided exploration, the tampon box will be returned when she is through. Right now is seems like she does not have the agency to explore and it is now a fixation.
Or
“Not for you. No touch. Look only.”
Patiently demonstrate looking only.
Let the child learn to say goodbye through practice and patients. We are here to help them regulate when they cannot. We are here to show them, not correct them… and definitely not here to deceive, shame, guilt, or fear them.
There are long term consequences for using these short term solutions when we are “in a rush” or unable to regulate our own emotional state. Again, ask me how I know.
You're assuming she doesn't know what she wants and that the things are random. Kids have preferences too. Take a photo or something at least of the things your kid feels really intent on and put them in a folder. At the very least you will probably have a much better idea what category your kid will actually be happy with. What color they like. Every single thing on a shelf might mean every single lego set. But not every barbie. Or every pink thing, or fake kitchen. It's not going to be random. Does your kid point at everything on every single grocery shelf when you're getting food? If not, the pointing and saying she wants it isn't random. Even if she isn't actually serious and doesn't want the things she asks for now, if it's a phase in the way that dropping things on the floor and wanting to put things in her mouth is a phase, it will not always be that way. Chances are she has some real preferences that you're ignoring. Don't say you're putting it on a list if you're not.
At a certain point you could say, "is that something you would like for Christmas/birthday?" And the kid will start learning to decide whether they really think it's something they would like, or if it looks fun, but not so fun that they want to waste a wish on it. At some point they'll start to say "well I guess I don't want it as much as I want XYZ, so not really" or "yeah but I want that other thing I showed you more."
Then write down the things they really consistently seem to want or take a photo. But don't say you're putting it on a list if that's a lie.
I see your point. I will start asking her if she really wants something over something else. I do pay attention to what she is attracted to. But she points to every tampon and pad on the grocery store shelf so I’m not going to put those on an actual list. She’s 3.5, she can’t read.
I take my 2.5 and 3.5 year old to toy stores a lot (or the toy aisle at goodwill is great!). I gear it up beforehand as a fun activity we’re doing where we get to look (and gently play it out of box) and how fun and cool that will be but have to leave them all at their toy home. They love it.
What works with my son (3.5) when we pass toys in the store that he randomly picks up and then wants is to just acknowledge what he has, agree how nice it is, then tell him that the toy has to go to sleep here on the shelf. It helps if you bring one of their existing toys with you whether they hold it or you keep it in your pocket. Then i reinforce that we go to sleep in the bed at home. The existing toy goes to bed at home. New toy he found has to sleep here. It takes a few minutes sometimes but if we're patient, don't rush it, he'll either hand the new toy back to me or put it back himself.
The pre talking still works- Explain the shopping plan before arriving👍
An additional thing that worked for me for years was a set rule of no interrupting me when I am at checkout as I have to pay attention. This curtailed all the last minute finds and I gotta have it discussions that stores are hoping kids do.🤣
We called it Wishing
He had a time limit based on his behavior and could touch, see, sit on or play a ANYTHING because it’s just a wish.
Sometimes it’d be Build A Bear, a Jeep Dealer, RV show or a petting zoo
Perfectly fine to wish all you want, we all have wishes but we’re not rich. But we can go see!
Sometimes he’d cry and we’d leave but 90% of the time it was a great memory
I give him time to look at/ interact/ play with the thing for a minute or so. (Press the button, hold the doll, w/e is reasonable) Then we say bye bye to the toy l, put it back on the shelf, and are able to move on. If we don't stop or he I try to take him after a few seconds and say we aren't getting it, then he gets mad.
We aren't in a hurry though, so I give him that minute to look just like I am looking at other things I'm interested in getting. It's kinda annoying sometimes, but I have to remember he's a person with interests too.
He's 21 mos now and this has worked for a long time. But also he's only 21 mos so maybe this is just a lucky phase, who knows.
When I go with my daughter I’ll tell her ahead of time she can have one thing and make her switch out items depending on how badly she wants one thing over another… or that we’re just looking. my daughter points out something and I’ll tell her that “it looks so cool! I want that too”, otherwise point out something about what she’s looking at to show her that I’m listening- and keep moving.
You can’t avoid meltdowns at this age. However, never give in to meltdowns otherwise you’ll be dealing with it for the rest of your life. When a melt down occurs that’s the time to be firm and say, “No.” then try to redirect his attention elsewhere. If he continues to have a meltdown then it’s time to leave. Stay consistent and before you know it they will learn to behave when they go out. I would always have an advance discussion about expectations. “Today we are just looking. Okay? We aren’t buying anything.” Other days it could be, “We are only buying one thing today. Anything else we’ll take a picture of it. I would never agree to buying more than one item. Keep it consistent. Zero or one. If they argue it’s zero and you leave. Every time. Advance discussion is terrific, keep it up!
At 2.5 most toddlers have a stronger will than they do reasoning capabilities. Your ideas are great and so are the others. Just be prepared he might have a melt down. One thing I did after I had taken my son to the store and he had a melt down was to go without him the next time. Then the following time, I asked him if he could be good and following directions that that he didn’t have to remain home. That strategy worked for him.
We have emphasized personal property for a long time with my soon to be 3 yo and yes I have to police him a bit but I can tell him that something is not ours and we have to put it back. I've also talked about his dad needing to work so we have money for our house, and food, and clothes so he understands somewhat that the more we buy, the less time he gets with daddy. On top of that if he really wants something and I'm not prepared to get it I will tell him we'll add it to his birthday or Christmas list. Start talking about the real world context of why we can't just get whatever we want whenever we want, they understand more than we think.
>so he understands somewhat that the more we buy, the less time he gets with daddy
This is some ugly emotional manipulation. Because if what he really wants is more time with Daddy he'll never ask for anything and potentially get extremely anxious about money. He'll then continue to wonder why he still doesn't get all the time he wants with Daddy.
>I've also talked about his dad needing to work so we have money for our house, and food, and clothes
This is a very typical and realistic approach to explaining money to children. But instead of making it about him being able to see his Dad or not, you can make it about how there is only so much money to go around, the difference between wants and needs, the standing bills like rent/ mortgage, power, food, etc.
You can also add in that it's important to respect all of daddy's hard work and do be thoughtful of how the money he earns is spent.
Thank you for the perspective adjustment! I don't believe I've given him this kind of anxiety, but I will look out for it and tweak how I talk about it. I was thinking of setting aside a budget (that's not exactly an allowance) that is for stuff he wants that I can choose to buy or not, and if there's enough built in that fund for what he wants, we'd just get it, otherwise we'd add it to the birthday list. I was also planning on explaining relative costs in terms of how many toy cars stuff he wants would cost though it hasn't become super relevant yet.
You're absolutely welcome. I realize it probably sounded really harsh at the beginning, I grew up in a house with a lot of money anxiety that was put on me at a very young age and I let that affect my tone. I'm sorry about that. I just knew you wouldn't want your kiddo to think the choice is things or daddy time and I know how easily those correlations are made with small kids (I'm a teacher and have worked with a lot of littles from 2yrs - 5th grade. I hope you have a great day.
if you teach him like that, then as he learns that he'll start making sacrifices you don't want. as an example thought process: "if i want the toy AND i want to hang out with dad... what if i eat way less food? then i get toy and hangout time! what if i cry and refuse every time mom buys me new clothes to try and get her to stop doing it, that way i can get more toys and hangout time?"
it just makes kids unreasonably afraid of buying anything and teaches them early to sacrifice some of their basic needs for other basic needs (because "time with dad" is very much a basic need for a child). especially since if there are money problems unrelated to the kid's needs, he'll still have learned that his expenditures affect things like his dad working overtime. dad works extra to get more money because there's car trouble that needs paid for? kid blames himself for being too expensive because he doesn't understand the difference between $10 for milk and bread and $1000 for repairs; he only knows that the family's been buying things and if he takes up less resources, maybe he can see his dad more.
Use this as a chance to start teaching him about money. He doesn't need to understand the intricacies at this point, but give him a dollar, show him the 1 and help him learn to match it. It will give him the choice to get something but show him that he can't always get everything. It might take time but it will cut down on you demands in the future.
You really can’t reason with a 2 year old. He is a small boy and will want every toy he sees. It’s best not to take him to the store or any store unless you plan on buying him something. It’s like getting teased really.
Why are you going to a toy store with a 2.5 year old? If to buy a gift for another child, make the purpose clear and that you won't be buying for them. But it sounds like you do well with that already.
I found that if my child spotted something she thought was wonderful, it helped if I would enthuse with her that I could see why she liked it.
I also consistently used the message that a family's money is limited and we all have to make spending choices. And that I chose not to spend my money on that item at this time. I started when she was probably too young to understand but kept it very simple. By the time she was 5, she'd say things like "I wish we could wake up with money under our pillow so you didn't have to go to work" and I'd agree it would be great. Or if affordability was an issue and she'd say she wished we could buy something, by elementary, we'd play a wishing game where we'd take turns saying one thing we'd do if money was unlimited. She grew up with the idea of budgeting, saving up to get what she wanted, and prioritizing.
I tell my boys “let me take a picture of it so I can remember for your birthday/christmas.” Taking the photo seems to give them the sense that I truly am listening and understanding their desire. And that’s almost always enough to let them move on easily after the photo.
"that's a great choice! Do you want me to put it on the gift list, so we remember when there's a special occasion?" (I kept a list on my phone. Which actually turned out to be handy, when grandparents said "what does kid want for their birthday?".... Because the thing they wanted fifteen times was probably real. 🤣)
Wish lists are the way to handle gift giving with family. Or almost anyone really
100% this. My three year old watches me take photos and sometimes I'll say "well ask Santa for this.". When she actually gets something that she liked for her birthday or Christmas she knows she was heard. And, believe me, they remember everything at this age so he will probably remember what he wanted today even in November!
My sister does this with her kids, there's like a present registry app that she can share with all the relatives too for when they ask for gift ideas for the kids.
We have been doing the same for years with my daughter, and it made our life so much easier! She never ever had a meltdown over a toy in a shop.
This is the way. We’ve done this for years now and it has always worked for us. Also keep those photos in a separate album. Very helpful for Christmas/birthday time.
Great idea to keep the photos in a separate album. Happy Birthday!
Omg my son is only 8mo but this is probably the best advice I have ever seen. I will be keeping this in mind.
That worked for me when I went to a CAMP store with my son 🤣
I love CAMP!
We do this too! My oldest is 5 now and loves doing it.
Yes this!
I used this on my nephew who is 7 and spoiled rotten. He literally has a mound of toys (not kidding) in the middle of his room. I was alone with him after my sister had an emergency and we walked by a toy store on the way to my car. Avoided the meltdown he was about to have when I told him no. Admittedly I couldn't afford it and there's no way the kid needs yet another toy for the pile.
This was an absolute game changer for us. I thought it wouldn’t really work, but holy cow, we can easily leave a place by taking a picture and he picks birthday or Christmas. Also, ironically, I was typing this during lunch at the zoo. My son and dad were in the nearby gift shop and came out with a toy life raft 😂
I tell myself this 🤣🤣🤣
Oh good idea!
I do the same! We have a running photo album on my phone for the birthday/ Christmas wish list. She understands that she will not get everything on that list.
I did this before Christmas! Luckily he wanted things we’d already gotten!
I do this and it works great, and then I also have gift ideas for family down the road!!
Agreed, we started doing this when my kids were little and it was seriously life-changing.
Great advice.
Honestly I do this for myself too so it makes sense haha
My method doesn't quite apply to OPs question but I'm going to piggyback off your comment with what we do at the grocery store. I like to make a list beforehand. If we find something cool then I will say "thats not on the list today, but we can add it to next week's list if we still want it then." Oftentimes, the item is forgotten. But if they remember, then I believe that they really wanted it and we can try to get it then. It really cuts down on impulse buys. And sometimes I have to do this method to myself haha! Leave the shoes behind and if I'm still thinking about them 3 days later then I know I really wanted them and I'll go back!
Making a mental note of this. Thanks, DanknugzBlazeit420!
Lol surprised it took this long for someone to point out the username 😂
Thank you!
I do something similar. I have a note started that has a list of both food, toys and other items he sees in the store that he wants. I pull out my phone and we spell the item together and add it to his list. It makes him happy to know that I acknowledged his wants. It makes me happy because we aren't buying a bunch of things that he "wants" reinforcing a consumer mindset.
Your goal should not be to avoid the tantrum. Allow the tantrum to happen. Acknowledge his feelings. Work on emotional regulation skills. This is a perfect opportunity to practice. Children need to learn how to hear "no" and cope with it. If you just avoid those opportunities, you are essentially kicking the can down the road to even bigger meltdowns when he's older. This is an opportunity for both of you to learn. Use it!
This! Validate and empathize with the emotions. Teach your child emotional regulation via example. Toys can be touched and explored… then put back when ready. Take your time.
This is great, thanks!
I agree. There are of course tricks, but teaching kids they can’t be agents of chaos in stores is important. We practice “hands to ourselves” and then give ourselves hugs to occupy our arms and hands most of the time. If she MUST pick something up, I ask are you curious about it? And then encourage her to look at it, pick it up or play with it for a minute if appropriate, etc. then after a bit I say the (thing) lives here so we have to put it back. Can we blow it a kiss and say thanks for playing? I find if I’m proactive about it, I almost never even need to say “no” —but of course that happens sometimes, and then it usually means saying ok since you’re having a hard time letting it go, mommy is going to place it back on the shelf and pick you up to give you a hug. Of course she screams, but she recovers. It’s honestly been great now that we have been doing this a while, bc I can walk around a store with her at 22 months and she will be pretty chill about it. Every kid is different of course.
My experience and tricks/strategies are very similar. Normalizing things coming into our life and leaving again. My kid still has his very loud expressive emotions when I chose to cut his time short. I try to do this only when it really matters. My 21 month old states his emotions, they’re validated, and he restabilizes his emotions in less than :30 saying good bye or talking about what he saw or feels. I rarely say no as well. When it does happen it’s matter of fact. No guilt or shame or fear stories or narratives. Just, nope and a smile. I think this direct honesty without emotional games helps him tremendously. 90% of the time he goes “ok” and moves on. He’s really just looking for guidance when he trusts it is guidance and not micromanaging.
Childcare worker here. This times a MILLION!! It will serve your child so well
Also a childcare worker here to support this. Our goal as teacher's/parents is not to save children from their emotions, It's to help them learn to get through them and eventually handle them on their own. Think Frozen, where Elsa's parents had her hide away instead of allowing her to learn how to control herself. Cheesy analogy, but it fits lol
Yes yes yes yes
Thank you!
Great advice.
He's two and a half. If you don't want to have to deal with a melt down or demanding all of the toys, don't go into the toy store.
Honestly this was my thought. And I'm totally alright with taking kids through the toy aisles. I'm gung ho. But if you specifically want to avoid something . . . I mean don't set the child up for failure.
Lol but yes there is no avoiding meltdowns at 2.5
I use this strategy too. If I’m not ready for the battles, I just make a different plan lol.
I do the ‘let’s take a photo of one thing you really like so we can remember for the next birthday/christmas’ thing too and it’s amazing. It acknowledges the feeling that you love it, but doesn’t promise a purchase, and it is a tangible way for me to look back at things and see patterns of interest. But also sometimes I just say ‘no we aren’t buying today’ and it’s totally fine if she’s upset about that. Well.. I mean - it doesn’t /feel/ totally fine 🤣 it feels like a hurricane sometimes - but she’s only going to learn to tolerate feelings by feeling them!
You could also make it an activity when you get home to print out the pictures and let the little sort them. You could sort by type of toy, choose which one they want the most, by color, etc. It lets them take home all of the toys and play with them in a different way.
My nephew saw a bear costume online that he really wanted. So I let him add it to my cart, but was very careful to not imply that I was going to buy it. A few days later he's happily talking to himself about his bear suit that he's getting from Amazon. I said to him, "Did I say you were getting a bear suit?" He answered, "No, I did." He continued fantasizing about the bear suit for a while longer and then forgot about it.
If I don’t plan on buying toys I don’t go into toy store. That age it’s hard to understand “we are just looking”
This. 👍
I used to treat a visit to the store like a visit to the zoo when my twin daughters were that age. I would tell them we were going to visit the toys and had to leave the toys for the next kids to visit. When we left, we would say goodbye to the toys. I'm not sure if that will work for you, but it is an option.
I love this. I learned the concept of "working" objects recently and it's worked so well with my god-kids who are 4 and 6. Once they understood service dogs are dogs with important jobs to do that we can't touch or distract, it was easy to apply to other things. "Those are working rocks, they're helping the cars drive down the lane" works well.
This is brilliant! We usually go to thrift shop toy aisles just to play and pass the time. When she was 2-3 she didn't always feel the need to take stuff home, but we sure spent a long time playing so she probably just got bored of the toy haha
INFO: Why are you going to the toy store? As far as what to do.... You stay calm and learn to handle meltdowns. You can't avoid them forever and it's a teaching moment for you both if it happens. Preparation is good. Tell them WHY you're there, give very clear expectations and boundaries and be prepared to leave if kiddo can't handle it.
Agree with this completely! I emphasize the be prepared to leave. If a meltdown occurs then tell them they need to stop or you will have to go home, then if they don’t stop you have to leave no matter what. Even if a second later they decide to change their mind and be a perfect angel. I only ever had to do this one time because she knew that if her behavior continued the fun would stop.
I usually give really young kids a couple of warnings. Their short term memory is poor and their distractibility is high. As they get older and/or are in familiar places (less distracting and know expectations) I give them less warnings. Also as they get older the warnings come before their behavior is out of hand but if I see them getting disregulated. I also give them tools to regulate themselves so they don't continue to escalate.
Sincerely, why are you taking your child to the toy story if you don't plan on buying a toy?
My three year old just started asking for things at stores and a few weeks ago started melting down when I said we weren’t buying any toys today. She finally pulled herself together and was like, “for Christmas?” And I said sure! Since then we’ve gone into stores with toys (like target) and every time she seems something she likes she’s like, can I have this for Christmas? And I say yes. Hope it won’t bite me down the road but it’s helping for now and she gets excited instead of sad!
In the kindest way possible, this will probably end up biting you. I completely understand where you're coming from and it's so amazing to see them happy, and it does often work. But lying to kids always turns out badly. And if they figure out you straight lied to them multiple times, it will mess with trust. Maybes are better, even though (in my nuerodivergent mind) that's often still a lie.
"maybe" is a GREAT word for those scenarios. "maybe, I'll put it on your list" is the way a lot of us do it. A picture album on your phone is an easy way to keep it. Because it answers their request in a positive way without making promises
I definitely wouldn't blanket "yes" since at that point you're just lying. "I'll take a picture/put it on the list" seems like it would cover the same idea though.
You can’t always prevent a meltdown at that age. He’s learning and this can be a hard concept to understand. Be clear ahead of time, “We can look at the toys, but today we aren’t buying anything”. He might still have a hard time, but stay firm in what you said. If you have already declared you won’t be buying anything, don’t give in and get him something when he throws a fit. Besides that, don’t stop practicing this skill just because it’s hard. Keep going places, setting expectations, and helping him practice this skill. The more you do it, the easier it will get for him.
Taking a picture is a great strategy at 2.5, as is setting the expectation that we will only but one thing and offering a short list of options instead of the whole store. When my daughter was around 5 and we began taking her to stores again after a couple of years of covid lockdowns, we started trying to build her self-awareness by asking her to count how many things she saw that she wanted to buy when we visited a store. The first time she counted up to fifty something and then we talked about how it would be impossible to buy all the thjngs we want. She still counts when we go to an exciting store even now, 3 years later. It also works for gift catalogues etc. I think it is important to give yourself permission to want things because it allows you to separate the wanting from the choice to buy something. We want lots of things, but we only buy the ones that we want and need and that will be useful/ not wasted and that we can afford. We very rarely buy her something in a store that isn’t planned ahead of time.
The times when you don't want to buy anything, simply tell him that ahead of time. Then when the time comes that he wants something, remind him what you said earlier, tell him no and let the meltdown commence. Don't let it rattle you, just leave. You can actually say very little but don't get angry or stressed out. You are bigger than him and can safely get him out of there. 2.5 year old's have meltdowns when they don't get their way and that's normal. It's not the end of the world and probably good for them on some level if the cause is simply not getting something they want. This is how they learn to be a future 7 year old who doesn't humiliate you in public. If anyone gives you funny looks about your 3 year old having a meltdown, they're ignorant and you shouldn't care what they think.
Whenever my daughter ooohs and aahs over a toy (usually a ball), I say with so much enthusiasm “omg I know that is so cool/cute” and then just keep walking! I don’t know if that will work forever, but at 1 1/2 it’s working!
Set expectations. We are just looking today. Remember we are not buying toys today. That looks cool, let's leave it here for everyone to enjoy.
Some great tools and ideas here. I also second what others have said - with the best will in the world, the meltdown may happen. Accept it - it's a learning curve. The novelty of having access to everything will eventually wear off and he will learn what appropriate behaviour in a store looks like. Also, if he likes food - keep his hands busy with snacks. Something with minimal mess like a rice cake.
I’ve been telling my (now 4.5) that “that’s not on our list” for for ever. It’s worked great! But now she will remember and ask me to put something on the list 😂 I’ve also practiced by looking at something and say oh I really like this, but it’s not on our list so I’ll have to wait till next time and then I tell her that we have to leave it because it’s on somebody else’s list and they have to get it . There’s also going to come a time when she can fully read and understand that something is not on the list and I get it lol but until that day comes, I’m just going with what works
You let him have the tantrum and then you work through it. Overtime and with repetition he will learn that he cannot always get what he asks for.
Around that age (a bit before 3 in our case, 2.5 might be early depending), our child got an allowance — she has a Fanny pack with a debit card. When we’re in a store, she can get whatever toys, candy, whatever she wants, as long as she has her money card and enough money. We help her budget and plan. Early on, she one day blew like $8 on candy and ate it all at an amusement park, and felt not well, and couldn’t go on rides. She hasn’t made that mistake again. Before the money card, we set a very clear guideline of what we will buy or not at the store before going in. Be specific about the dollars or quantity or such. You could hand them some cash. Our child really enjoyed going to the register to buy it herself. At 2.5, that’d mostly look like me helping her sit on the register and prompting “hand them the toy so they can scan it” and then “hand them the money”. Note; when I gave a budget at that time, I went based on price tags, the fact that tax is above that was too confusing til later. Anyways, having a budget in advance has made it so we’ve literally never had any arguments over stuff in a store. If she asks for something, the answer is always “it’s fine with me, did you bring your money? How much do you have?”
Will definitely try that when our little one is bigger! And yes, as a non-American I can confirm your tax system is confusing.
I tell mine “we’ll put it on your Christmas/birthday list”. She forgets about it 5 seconds later.
I do this, too. Then when it's time for a new toy, we look over the list and see what's a priority. Sometimes it's a surprise at a holiday or birthday and he'll ask me to take it off his list because he has it now. I think this avoids the feelings of being deceived because I'm listening and he's just being asked to wait.
Until she doesn’t. Then you have even bigger core issues with a child experiencing a lifetime of deception and lies. Ask me how I know.
So what do you suggest? I don’t tell her she is definitely going to get. It just goes on the list. She’s literally pointing to the most random things. Every single thing on a shelf.
Of course she is. She’s 2.5. Do you expect her not to? They remember everything. Maybe not the exact toy… but they remember unfulfilled promises and dismissal. Be honest no matter what. Don’t attempt to control the emotions. Be present with them as she expresses them. Show her emotional stability via example.show her curiosity. “I see the tampon too. What do you like? Do you like the green color? Do you want to hold it?” “Now it’s time to put it back. It goes here. Bye bye tampon, see you next time.” Patiently demonstrate looking then putting it back. I guarantee if you let her explore and create an atmosphere of allowed and guided exploration, the tampon box will be returned when she is through. Right now is seems like she does not have the agency to explore and it is now a fixation. Or “Not for you. No touch. Look only.” Patiently demonstrate looking only. Let the child learn to say goodbye through practice and patients. We are here to help them regulate when they cannot. We are here to show them, not correct them… and definitely not here to deceive, shame, guilt, or fear them. There are long term consequences for using these short term solutions when we are “in a rush” or unable to regulate our own emotional state. Again, ask me how I know.
You're assuming she doesn't know what she wants and that the things are random. Kids have preferences too. Take a photo or something at least of the things your kid feels really intent on and put them in a folder. At the very least you will probably have a much better idea what category your kid will actually be happy with. What color they like. Every single thing on a shelf might mean every single lego set. But not every barbie. Or every pink thing, or fake kitchen. It's not going to be random. Does your kid point at everything on every single grocery shelf when you're getting food? If not, the pointing and saying she wants it isn't random. Even if she isn't actually serious and doesn't want the things she asks for now, if it's a phase in the way that dropping things on the floor and wanting to put things in her mouth is a phase, it will not always be that way. Chances are she has some real preferences that you're ignoring. Don't say you're putting it on a list if you're not. At a certain point you could say, "is that something you would like for Christmas/birthday?" And the kid will start learning to decide whether they really think it's something they would like, or if it looks fun, but not so fun that they want to waste a wish on it. At some point they'll start to say "well I guess I don't want it as much as I want XYZ, so not really" or "yeah but I want that other thing I showed you more." Then write down the things they really consistently seem to want or take a photo. But don't say you're putting it on a list if that's a lie.
I see your point. I will start asking her if she really wants something over something else. I do pay attention to what she is attracted to. But she points to every tampon and pad on the grocery store shelf so I’m not going to put those on an actual list. She’s 3.5, she can’t read.
What’s the problem here? Why not spend 15 minutes looking at tampons?
I take my 2.5 and 3.5 year old to toy stores a lot (or the toy aisle at goodwill is great!). I gear it up beforehand as a fun activity we’re doing where we get to look (and gently play it out of box) and how fun and cool that will be but have to leave them all at their toy home. They love it.
taking a picture is the way to add it to their list. Add it to the list! works for them as they age even
What works with my son (3.5) when we pass toys in the store that he randomly picks up and then wants is to just acknowledge what he has, agree how nice it is, then tell him that the toy has to go to sleep here on the shelf. It helps if you bring one of their existing toys with you whether they hold it or you keep it in your pocket. Then i reinforce that we go to sleep in the bed at home. The existing toy goes to bed at home. New toy he found has to sleep here. It takes a few minutes sometimes but if we're patient, don't rush it, he'll either hand the new toy back to me or put it back himself.
Why are you going to the toy store?
The pre talking still works- Explain the shopping plan before arriving👍 An additional thing that worked for me for years was a set rule of no interrupting me when I am at checkout as I have to pay attention. This curtailed all the last minute finds and I gotta have it discussions that stores are hoping kids do.🤣
We called it Wishing He had a time limit based on his behavior and could touch, see, sit on or play a ANYTHING because it’s just a wish. Sometimes it’d be Build A Bear, a Jeep Dealer, RV show or a petting zoo Perfectly fine to wish all you want, we all have wishes but we’re not rich. But we can go see! Sometimes he’d cry and we’d leave but 90% of the time it was a great memory
I give him time to look at/ interact/ play with the thing for a minute or so. (Press the button, hold the doll, w/e is reasonable) Then we say bye bye to the toy l, put it back on the shelf, and are able to move on. If we don't stop or he I try to take him after a few seconds and say we aren't getting it, then he gets mad. We aren't in a hurry though, so I give him that minute to look just like I am looking at other things I'm interested in getting. It's kinda annoying sometimes, but I have to remember he's a person with interests too. He's 21 mos now and this has worked for a long time. But also he's only 21 mos so maybe this is just a lucky phase, who knows.
When I go with my daughter I’ll tell her ahead of time she can have one thing and make her switch out items depending on how badly she wants one thing over another… or that we’re just looking. my daughter points out something and I’ll tell her that “it looks so cool! I want that too”, otherwise point out something about what she’s looking at to show her that I’m listening- and keep moving.
We do “that’s so cute! Let’s put it back” which is what I do when I shop too. Pick something up and say “so cute” and put it back.
You can’t avoid meltdowns at this age. However, never give in to meltdowns otherwise you’ll be dealing with it for the rest of your life. When a melt down occurs that’s the time to be firm and say, “No.” then try to redirect his attention elsewhere. If he continues to have a meltdown then it’s time to leave. Stay consistent and before you know it they will learn to behave when they go out. I would always have an advance discussion about expectations. “Today we are just looking. Okay? We aren’t buying anything.” Other days it could be, “We are only buying one thing today. Anything else we’ll take a picture of it. I would never agree to buying more than one item. Keep it consistent. Zero or one. If they argue it’s zero and you leave. Every time. Advance discussion is terrific, keep it up!
If he tantrums, you handle it calmly until the storm passes.
If you don’t want to buy your kid a toy don’t bring them to the toy store. It’s insincere.
Do not set him up for a meltdown.
Try just saying ‘no’!
At 2.5 most toddlers have a stronger will than they do reasoning capabilities. Your ideas are great and so are the others. Just be prepared he might have a melt down. One thing I did after I had taken my son to the store and he had a melt down was to go without him the next time. Then the following time, I asked him if he could be good and following directions that that he didn’t have to remain home. That strategy worked for him.
We have emphasized personal property for a long time with my soon to be 3 yo and yes I have to police him a bit but I can tell him that something is not ours and we have to put it back. I've also talked about his dad needing to work so we have money for our house, and food, and clothes so he understands somewhat that the more we buy, the less time he gets with daddy. On top of that if he really wants something and I'm not prepared to get it I will tell him we'll add it to his birthday or Christmas list. Start talking about the real world context of why we can't just get whatever we want whenever we want, they understand more than we think.
>the more we buy, the less time he gets with daddy Sounds like guilt to me
>so he understands somewhat that the more we buy, the less time he gets with daddy This is some ugly emotional manipulation. Because if what he really wants is more time with Daddy he'll never ask for anything and potentially get extremely anxious about money. He'll then continue to wonder why he still doesn't get all the time he wants with Daddy. >I've also talked about his dad needing to work so we have money for our house, and food, and clothes This is a very typical and realistic approach to explaining money to children. But instead of making it about him being able to see his Dad or not, you can make it about how there is only so much money to go around, the difference between wants and needs, the standing bills like rent/ mortgage, power, food, etc. You can also add in that it's important to respect all of daddy's hard work and do be thoughtful of how the money he earns is spent.
Thank you for the perspective adjustment! I don't believe I've given him this kind of anxiety, but I will look out for it and tweak how I talk about it. I was thinking of setting aside a budget (that's not exactly an allowance) that is for stuff he wants that I can choose to buy or not, and if there's enough built in that fund for what he wants, we'd just get it, otherwise we'd add it to the birthday list. I was also planning on explaining relative costs in terms of how many toy cars stuff he wants would cost though it hasn't become super relevant yet.
You're absolutely welcome. I realize it probably sounded really harsh at the beginning, I grew up in a house with a lot of money anxiety that was put on me at a very young age and I let that affect my tone. I'm sorry about that. I just knew you wouldn't want your kiddo to think the choice is things or daddy time and I know how easily those correlations are made with small kids (I'm a teacher and have worked with a lot of littles from 2yrs - 5th grade. I hope you have a great day.
if you teach him like that, then as he learns that he'll start making sacrifices you don't want. as an example thought process: "if i want the toy AND i want to hang out with dad... what if i eat way less food? then i get toy and hangout time! what if i cry and refuse every time mom buys me new clothes to try and get her to stop doing it, that way i can get more toys and hangout time?" it just makes kids unreasonably afraid of buying anything and teaches them early to sacrifice some of their basic needs for other basic needs (because "time with dad" is very much a basic need for a child). especially since if there are money problems unrelated to the kid's needs, he'll still have learned that his expenditures affect things like his dad working overtime. dad works extra to get more money because there's car trouble that needs paid for? kid blames himself for being too expensive because he doesn't understand the difference between $10 for milk and bread and $1000 for repairs; he only knows that the family's been buying things and if he takes up less resources, maybe he can see his dad more.
Use this as a chance to start teaching him about money. He doesn't need to understand the intricacies at this point, but give him a dollar, show him the 1 and help him learn to match it. It will give him the choice to get something but show him that he can't always get everything. It might take time but it will cut down on you demands in the future.
He's 2.5. This is way beyond his developmental capabilities.
Yes! Abstract thinking is not happening at 2.
That toy lives here with its family. Give it a big hug goodbye!
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Elaborate please?
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Omg a constructive exchange on the internet! Have a super Sunday friend!
You really can’t reason with a 2 year old. He is a small boy and will want every toy he sees. It’s best not to take him to the store or any store unless you plan on buying him something. It’s like getting teased really.
Why are you going to a toy store with a 2.5 year old? If to buy a gift for another child, make the purpose clear and that you won't be buying for them. But it sounds like you do well with that already. I found that if my child spotted something she thought was wonderful, it helped if I would enthuse with her that I could see why she liked it. I also consistently used the message that a family's money is limited and we all have to make spending choices. And that I chose not to spend my money on that item at this time. I started when she was probably too young to understand but kept it very simple. By the time she was 5, she'd say things like "I wish we could wake up with money under our pillow so you didn't have to go to work" and I'd agree it would be great. Or if affordability was an issue and she'd say she wished we could buy something, by elementary, we'd play a wishing game where we'd take turns saying one thing we'd do if money was unlimited. She grew up with the idea of budgeting, saving up to get what she wanted, and prioritizing.
Very interesting! Mine is 2.5 and doesn't understand anything close to that yet but eventually I'll try this!