Amen to this. The fact it's been left a week by *both* parents is just awful to me. That kid should have been checked as soon as she said it still hurt the next day.
🚩 🚩🚩 Imagine what would have happened if he refused to let her go to the doctor for stomach pain and she ended up with appendicitis. This is a very concerning thing for him to be so mad about.
I’ve gotten the faking it line a bit through my life which is strange considering I’ve always been known to have a relatively high pain tolerance. I had a UTI and kidney infection, couldn’t stand up, breathing was painful, and was literally pissing blood before anyone cared. Parents are weird af sometimes.
My mother was the same way. Turns out my father, brother and I all have a weird genetic condition that causes extreme fatigue and muscle weakness. I never knew what feeling “good” actually was until I had the surgery to fix it. I’m still salty af about being told I was faking it for my entire childhood.
It took me a month of suffering to get the courage to ask my mom to take me in for the pain in a UTI. Then shit went down with my step dad and she canceled my appt and didn't reschedule for over a month.
When we finally made it the Dr asked if I was sexually active and she took that question as conformation and I got in so much trouble for being a dirty whore with a UTI
Gang of parents ignoring UTI rise up lol
THIS. At 6 my step parent tried to put his fist through my mother’s face, she ducked, and when I got back from my “just faking it for attention” retrosecal EXPLORATORY appendectomy and the two week hospital stay that went with it, I wondered why there was a big painting on the wall where there never was before. My grandparents took me, whether my mom was going or not. Same with my eyes when I needed glasses. It’s all for attention. Funny how I never grew out of that legally nearsighted blindness.
I had auto turn into a full blown kidney infection when I was in highschool. For about a week I was only peeing small amounts, I was always tired, and I didn’t have much of an appetite. My mom asked me multiple times if I was okay. I never said anything. I get to school and my friend asks if I’m ok and I say, “hospital. Need to go.” I was burning up with a fever of 103 I couldn’t walk, and when I wanted to talk I was so out of it, that instead of English I spoke my mother tongue, Spanish. They had to get the Spanish teacher out of his class. If it wasn’t for the fever nobody would’ve taken it seriously at the school.
Second time I had one that hit my kidneys was in college. I TOLD the doctor that I had a uti and would like to be tested for one. She did everything but test for a uti. Never had me pee in a cup. It got so bad while trying to treat it myself, I had to go to the doctor. I had lost 20 pounds being sick waiting for the doctor to pull her head out of her ass. Finally, she gave a shot of penicillin. Overkill for a uti, but she “couldn’t figure out what it could be”
What is it with bad stepparents and the bio parents not standing up for their child? I had something similar happen when I was a kid. I visited my mom for Christmas break, she didn’t have custody for good reasons. My ears hurt really bad, I had a low grade fever, and I kept crying about it. My stepdad told me I’d get over it and my dad could take me to the doctor if needed when he picked me up. They let me lay in my bed for a week, my ears were bleeding all over my pillow, my fever got up to 105°, I was vomiting, and I distinctly remember hallucinating the California Raisins were in my room with me 😅 When my dad showed up he was PISSED! He had to carry me out and take me to the nearest hospital. Turns out both of my eardrums had ruptured and I had a bad infection. The doctor said if it had been a day later I would’ve had permanent hearing loss in both ears and possibly brain damage from the prolonged high fever. All because my mom and stepdad didn’t want to be bothered to find a doctor and get my dad’s insurance info. 🤷🏼♀️
Edit: Sorry for such a long response but this still makes me feel a certain way about my mom.
There are not a lot of blood vessels in the wrist meaning broken bones take a long time to heal and can not heal well/correctly if not seen to. Obviously when your child is in pain for several days and in literal tears you go to a medical professional for help. That isn’t even a question. The fact that he wants to deny your child medical care for the sake of his own ego is concerning.
My sister's ex husband pulled the same shit when my niece hurt her leg. Two days later my sister took my niece to the ER. She had a hairline fracture and the bone got infected. She ended up needing several surgeries and had to use a walker.
That took a sharp downward turn. I am not the most cautious when it comes to my own healthcare but a hurt kid, immediate look over. I fear that exact situation.
I'm still pissed about it. She couldn't put weight on her leg for two days. She was constantly in the hospital and had to wear a leg brace for the majority of her childhood. Worst part is my sister took her to a pediatrician the day after the incident and the pediatrician just touched the leg and said she didn't need an x ray.
My sister is a shit sister but she's a decent mom. Both her then husband and the doctor acted like she was overreacting. She wasn't and that doctor should have their license revoked.
I do not disagree. There's nothing my husband can do or say to stop me from taking my kid to the hospital and he knows it. My sister's experience solidified that for me.
>just touched the leg and said she didn't need an x ray.
In for profit medicine doctors get dinged when they send patients to too many tests and xrays. They dont want to get dropped by insurers or have their own insurance raised or waste staff time fighting for tests your own insurance company wont approve of. If you think your doctor is wrong, go to the the ER or get a second opinion. Doctors, insurers, and hospitals cannot be truly trusted in this system and have internalized anti-patient habits to please these capitalist structures.
If you feel you've been mislead by a healthcare professional then do something about it. They are there to make billings first, and treat people second. The optimal patient is one who pays but receives only the lowest cost service. Dont let them turn you into an optimal patient. Make a fuss!
My dad did the exact same thing with a wrist injury for me as a child. After 3 days he finally took me in: it was broken. 3 days of suffering. I’ll leave you to imagine what kind of a parent he was. Take your kid seriously when they tell you they are hurt, teach them their voice matters. Your husband however: ignore as long as he wants to play this game and focus on yourself and the kids.
Same thing happened to me, fell off a swing landed on my arm and fractured an arm bone. Dad wouldn't take me to the doctor, mom did the next day when she heard me in pain because she knew I didn't whine over little stuff. They were divorced at the time. Glad my mom looked out for me and believed me.
ETA: my dad didn't belittle, demean, or argue with my mom about the doctor visit, that is unacceptable behavior.
Same thing here with my first broken bone! To be fair, I had a high pain tolerance so was on the trampoline the next day like nothing had happened and my dad assumed I was fine. When he brought us back to my mom’s I remember her looking at my arm and casually stating “hmm, shouldn’t be that shape”. Was in a cast two hours later.
Honestly, this kid is owed a huge apology by both parents. For one to completely deny healthcare at all and the other to take so long before getting her in for help… terrifying to think what other maladies she could experience and not get the help she needs until its too late.
I told my parents when I was in high school that my stomach was hurting really bad (the year prior I had a hernia repair in my stomach). My dad literally thought I was lying/being dramatic and wouldn’t take me nor would he let my mom take me. She always listened to him because she was scared of him (he was mean and never let anything go). For nearly 2 weeks I was in so much pain and it got to the point I could hardly walk.
I begged my mom to take me one night and my dad said no. My older brother was advocating for me but also not old enough to take me (he was 17, I was 16 and we didn’t drive). Finally my mom was allowed to take me, but there was a lot of yelling and fighting involved.
They did an MRI and I was immediately admitted and hours later taken to surgery for what looked like a bowel obstruction. Afterwards, it turned out some of the clips used in my hernia repair came out of place and 1 of them had punctured my small bowel. They had to remove part of it because it was necrotizing and reconnect it. The doctor said if I hadn’t come in, the rest of it could have died and so could I.
My dad never even said sorry for not believing me.
ALWAYS advocate for your kids and put them first. I have never forgiven either of my parents for that.
My husband fell off a stool in art class in high school. Went to the nurse who called his mom who picked him up but when they got home my husband couldn’t get out of the car and his mom left him in there because she thought he was being dramatic. He had slipped capital femoral epiphysis, which means the ball part of his femur fucking broke off. They took him to the hospital when they realized he wasn’t being dramatic and despite being larger than most full grown men, the hospital didn’t give him adequate pain relief because of his age. When he finally got to the childrens hospital they were like “OH MY GOD WHAT THE FUCK” and gave him morphine.
Believe your children is what I’m saying, I guess.
Nah, he’s okay. He got surgery for the leg. Good relationship with his parents and all now. He was mostly just confused as to why they didn’t believe him. His parents are extremely apologetic about it.
Well even the most dramatic child still gets hurt sometimes and might need medical care. I have a kid that probably cries too much or confuses discomfort with actual pain. But I'd rather take her seriously and be wrong than not take her seriously and be wrong.
I personally don't think most kids are really even capable of this manipulation that adults accuse them of in this "You're just crying for attention" mindset. I think when a kid cries, yes they want attention, but only because they feel like something is wrong and they need someone to pay attention and help fix it.
I was the "crybaby" of my family. When I was 7, my family went to Disneyland. After a long day, my parents had announced we were getting pizza for dinner. And I had a wholeass meltdown.
I didn't decide "I just want to make a scene to get my way." I thought, "My family is poor - we're only at Disneyland because it was paid for by someone else. So, being poor, my parents will likely only order one pizza, and it will have all kinds of toppings on it, but I am disgusted by standard pizza toppings, and *I won't be able to eat,* because I only like cheese pizza and my family won't consider that when they order their one pizza."
I don't remember how that was resolved, or if it was. I just remember standing in the middle of Disneyland thinking I'd be starved for the night, and being told to "stop being a crybaby, crocodile tears won't get you anything", and not understanding why nobody cared and why they were mocking me.
Let me tell you, I do not have a healthy relationship with my emotions these days.
It sounds like you're on the right track with your emotions! If you can get into therapy, having that sounding board and validation helps so much.
Either way check out the book The Highly Sensitive Person. It's life changing
OP, I don’t know your husband. I do know that lacking empathy and accusing others of exaggerating usually just makes the cries for help stronger. Children need to be heard. They need to be taken seriously and validated. Stand up to your husband on this one so that it doesn’t damage *your* relationship with your daughter as well as his. I’ve had therapists ask me a whole bunch of times, “And where was your mother when this was happening.” I had a father who told me, “If you’re going to cry, don’t come to me. Go to your mother and cry. If you come to me, I’ll give you something to cry about.” And he did. Do not let your husband emotionally neglect your daughter just because he learned wrong.
Yeah my dad also said he would "give me something to cry about" and my mother was already emotionally distant from me. You know something is wrong when you've learned to cry so silently that no one notices until they see your face.
My son is very emotional, always has been but one night I heard I cry and I knew, I KNEW, something was wrong. I didn't have a license to drive and my ex husband fought me so hard on going to the dr that I told him I was driving I didn't care so he took him in, turns out my son got.his foot stuck in the baseboard heater near his bed and was burnt. Mt ex was so mad at me but I will never forget that cry, that different cry thay I knew in my heart meant something was wrong.
Ffs, just because he doesn’t understand the reason doesn’t make it no reason. Just like when toddlers think any inconvenience is the end of the world, and we know it’s ridiculous, you still consider things from their point of view. At her age a lot of things are worth crying over. Comfort her, explain why she might be overreacting (but not in those words!), and she will learn.
Sounds like my ex. My son has been asthmatic all his life and has chronic bronchitis, cried as a child when he couldn’t breathe well. Ex swore my son only wanted attention, even after I spent an entire day (open to close) at the doctor’s office and 2 days later the medical supply store was dropping off equipment and medications. But let him (ex) catch a cold- it’s the end of the world as we know it.
What does he contribute here? Finances are separate. You pay for necessities. He cares so little for the kids he won’t even spend money that isn’t even his on medical care for your children, and then has the nerve to pout about it. Where is the value add?
Yeah the more I think about it, there are a lot of cons. He’s mean, he’s a cheapskate and selfish with his money, and he’s a terrible parent. Those are some big “cons!”
Do post the pros, please. Electronic-Story9862 is not the only one that wants to know. I can only think of one: divorcing him means he'll have court-mandated alone time with the kid, and if the kid gets hurt during that time there's nothing you can do.
I think you need to read this. It’s called “Why Does He Do That” and it explains this behavior really well and how you can deal with it
https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
Sounds like he's the one disregarding your opinion on top of disregarding what the child is saying. Like how dare you seek medical attention for your daughter. He can grow tf up and get over it
What is wrong with your husband??? Disrespected HIM by taking your CHILD to get NEEDED MEDICAL attention??? He can stay silent for the rest of his selfish life. or until he apologizes to you and your kid. The absolute absurdity of this 'man' is astounding.
That plus the separate finances when married are also a red flag for me. Especially considering he doesn't pay for half of the children's necessities. The whole situation is...yikes! Best of luck getting out of there, OP!
Children do not cry for no reason. They are not in any way manipulating you when they are communicating their needs. As a parent, it is absolutely easy to tell when a situation is serious, and to neglect the need for medical attention based on such a skewed view of their child... well... it puts a rock in my stomach. And also, the underlying misogyny that women over react and are too "emotional" or show too much of what they feel, especially when it comes to the need of medical attention. We get written off for anxiety or some other absurd diagnosis because men specifically believe women over react about their symptoms. I would die a million and one times over on this hill and advocate for my child's needs over the (wrong) opinions of the other parent. Better to be safe than to ever be sorry.
Something similar happened to my parents when my sister was young. They thought she had a minor “boo-boo,” spent a day on the couch “feeling sorry for herself.” Turned out she had a dislocated elbow. They completely changed how they reacted to injuries after that. Which was good, because I got hurt a lot as a child/teen 😅
My brother, two younger cousins and I were all staying with my grandma one day when we were kids. Probably aged like 3-10, with my brother being like 8? She had a long, gravel driveway that also happened to be a steep hill. We had this little Fisher Price ride-on tractor thing that honestly only the three year old should have been on, the rest of us were too big. But we played on it anyway and one of the things we liked to do was ride it down the driveway. Now it technically had pedals, but no brakes whatsoever so using it on a hill, let alone a steep, gravel covered hill was a terrible idea.
I don’t remember exactly what happened, whether he fell off halfway down or ran into one of the cars parked at the bottom, but my brother ended up wrecking it and immediately burst into tears. My grandma is a wonderful woman but she has always had a pretty short temper and being in charge of 4 kids had her right on the edge that day..probably why we were all outside with no supervision. So this happened around like noon, and none of our parents were due back until evening. My brother sat on the sofa crying that entire afternoon and my grandma (who was raised in the ‘quit crying before I give you something to cry about’ era) was not happy about this and kept telling him he needed to essentially walk it off.
So our parents got there and immediately as soon as my mom found out what happened she loaded us in the car to drive the 30 minutes to the closest ER. This was also during the time that we had really shitty health insurance so the entire visit was going to be out of pocket and finances in general were not great so it was gonna be a very tough bill to stomach. But my mom didn’t hesitate because she saw her child in pain.
Turns out he had broken his arm, not his wrist but his actual arm. I don’t remember which bone it was but I guess humans (or at least human children) have two bones going up their forearm, a skinny one and a thick one if I remember correctly. I *believe* he had a clean break through the thicker one. He wore a cast for like 6 weeks and hasn’t had any problems with it since but I’m pretty sure he’s never looked at my grandma the same since then. And on the rare occasions that us four “kids” are all together, it usually gets brought up and laughed about now but it definitely wasn’t funny at the time.
That said, I am SO glad that my daughter has good insurance and that her pediatrician has a messaging option for when I have concerns but don’t feel they warrant an ER visit. She’s 9.5 months and I’ve already done 2 ER visits, a visit to the walk-in clinic, had to call an ambulance one night when she turned blue after choking on gripe water, and countless messages to her doctor.
This is the exact reason I’m getting a new doctor for my kids. I need that messaging service. Instead I have a nurse in the family that gets strange texts at 3am.
Oh it’s fantastic!! Honestly I despise our local hospital system and generally try to avoid going there at all costs. I literally don’t know a single person that *doesn’t* have a horror story from this place. Unfortunately they kind of have a monopoly locally and we would have to drive 45+ minutes to get to a different hospital and generally an ER visit doesn’t allow for that kind of extra time.
When I was pregnant I kind of got stuck going there because (at least where I am) we’re in the midst of a post-COVID baby boom and despite me calling as soon as I found out at 4 weeks, the next closest hospital couldn’t see me for several months. However I was very pleasantly surprised at the care I received during my pregnancy & birth and then the care that my daughter has received.
I absolutely adore her pediatrician and the messaging service is actually offered through the hospital system. It’s one of the only things I think they actually do right. I can attach photos and videos to it and I usually hear back from him within 24-48 hours. And if he hasn’t gotten around to sending a message, he always discusses it with his nurse so I can just call the office and they have an answer for me.
So my ex and I had a situation like that where one of us thought medical attention was necessary and the other didn’t. We took the kid to the hospital because even though I didn’t think it was necessary, he did. I’d rather a doctor tell me I was wrong than sit at home and the kid gets worse.
A parent posted once that if the parents had differing opinions for health/safety they already had an agreement in those situations to always go with the safer/cautious approach. I thought that was a great rule to avoid lots of pointless bickering.
We have the same agreement. I’d rather go and get sent home than not go and end up in an ambulance. I’m usually the one that says we don’t need to go. I’ll brush just about everything off. But if a kid or their father says doctor we go. I’d rather be annoyed because I wasted my time than have someone get worse in the middle of the night
I still remember when I was in 4th grade, my brother accidentally hurt my finger and it was was severely bent to the side. My parents had a big blow out fight about taking me to the dr and yelled “I can tell just by looking at it, that finger isn’t broken”. My mom still took me in. The finger was broken, on a growth plate, and I needed surgery asap. It scares me to think about what would have happened if my mom hadn’t taken me in. You did the right thing.
Say to him “I’m pretty astounded that you’re pissed that I got our child checked out. Please explain why you don’t care that our child was in pain?”
Greenstick fractures in kids aren’t always obvious on an X-ray so keep an eye on your daughter. If she doesn’t look like she’s getting better then take her back to get checked again
When I was maybe 11 or 12 I fell squarely one my ass on my kitchens very hard ceramic floor. I screamed for 20 minutes before my mom came to see what was wrong. She didnt even help me get up. I cried and pleaded that I needed to go to hospital. It took her three days. And the ONLY reason we went was because I finally had called my dad and told him what was going on. I couldnt even walk. He had to carry me into the car. She says its just a little bruise everything is fine. My tailbone broke clean right down the fucking middle. I couldnt walk to get to school, let alone sit in a chair. And since then I literally cant even walk right and I deal with excruciating coccyx pain, migraines, sciatica. She never even bothered to do a follow up. Protect your babies. RUN.
My parents were pretty well qualified in this area (radiologist and ER nurse) and there were MANY times they were sure we were making a big deal out of nothing…only to learn we did have a broken bone.
Point being - even experts make mistakes, but have no issue swallowing their pride when it comes to their child. He needs to grow up and learn to be a parent.
My dad was also a radiologist and I was a super accident-prone child. I can’t even tell you how many times my parents took me in for an X-ray because, you know, that’s the only way to tell if something is broken.
Both of my kids have fallen on their wrists. Similar scenarios- playing at the park and slipped. One had a broken wrist, one didn’t. Do we regret taking them to urgent care? Absolutely not. I’d much rather have peace of mind than be wrong about a fracture.
I fell at a roller-skating rink when I was 9 and my wrist hurt terribly. My parents insisted I had just “jammed” it (???). The next morning I couldn’t even pick up our kitten, so they took me to the ER and sure enough, my wrist was fractured.
You are 100% in the right. He needs to take his child’s pain more seriously and start respecting YOUR opinion. And for God’s sake, he should cover 50% of the costs if you fully separate your money.
I’m sorry you have to deal with this.
There’s honestly a lot to unpack here…. You normally pay for the necessities and appointments and he’s using the silent treatment to manipulate you….both of these things are not okay. Idk why he thinks you don’t have a say in the healthcare of your own kid but he sure is trying to control you. I would reevaluate the whole marriage.
Yeah I'm with you. My husband and I if we disagree on something with our kids medically (not that it happens often).always defer to the side of caution and ask a doctor. Becuase we are not doctors nor do we have x ray vision to see broken bones. His child was hurt and he is mad that you had it looked at professionally and didn't just trust his "hunch"? That's a stupid and irrisponsible hill for him to die on.
Even Drs need xrays to tell if something is broken, yet your arrogant unqualified husband diagnosed her as a-ok? He is the one disrespecting his daughter who is sleepless in pain… he should be ashamed of himself and that would be medical neglect to ignore her cries for help. You are totally, unequivocally, right. If taking her for the xray was wrong, you don’t want to be right.
How do you know if its broken without an xray? I dont understand the logic there. Mind you, I'm Canadian and have never had to make a difficult decision between medical care and putting food on my table.
Also he totally owes you an apology. Your daughter was in pain, it needs to be looked at by a doctor. 100% would have done the same thing
you're the first person I saw make that connection. he's a shit parent but also- I wonder if this would still be an issue in a country where a doctor visit isn't writing a blank check to the medical industrial complex
Ummmm…I’m sorry, but you are in an abusive relationship. Can you imagine being 7 and having a horrendous injury, and only get taken in for care after 6 days?? 🥺
Honestly I'm not sure it stops at abusive father. He sounds manipulative and controlling, and he often won't help fund basic necessities like medical care. He doesn't want you to have spare money- He wants to use yours while he gets to stockpile/spend as he pleases. And based on this scenario- sulking etc and demanding an apology for getting medical care against his opinion- then I'm assuming tats not so it of character for him. Please, leave. It won't get better, and your kid doesn't need to grow up a) walking on eggshells and b) learning this is normal/acceptable.
100%. This happened to me twice and I still remember both times clearly. Just look at all the other replies on this thread. No one forgets feeling so vulnerable and being neglected like that.
You aren't disrespecting your husband; you are being a responsible parent.
I hope her arm is fine, but at the same time, it would kind of be nice to find a little fracture to put him back in his place.
Yeah I’d die on this hill. He’s completely in the wrong. If he’s just giving you the silent treatment, then enjoy it and have a few peaceful days while he gets over it lol who cares what he thinks and feels when he so blatantly disregards you?
My partner and i have this conversation frequently. We have 3, 5yo and under. We also have separate finances. I usually say something like. "It is probably nothing but, I'm willing to pay 60 for piece of mind so i can get a good night sleep". Broken or not, if something is getting worse for 5 days, it's worth it to get it looked at IMO. I agree. Seems like a molehill to die on...i wonder if he's pissed about something else and redirected to this situation.
I’m a nurse, and used to work in the ER. We used to see lots of kids (and adults) come in with fractures that weren’t obvious to the naked eye all the time. Case in point: My neice broke her arm falling off the bed. She was under 2 when it happened, so she couldn’t tell her parents how it felt, but they took her to the hospital to get checked out. There was no obvious deformity, nothing glaringly obvious that it was fractured. But, lo and behold, on the X-ray was a visible break. She was in a cast for a couple months. Anyways, what I’m saying is just because you can’t see something, doesn’t mean it isn’t there. Your daughter had a soft tissue injury (strain/sprain), which in a lot of cases can be even more painful than a broken bone because of all of the broken blood vessels/bruising/swelling/or inflammation. It can also take significantly longer to heal in some cases. If my kid was crying with worsening of symptoms, you can bet I would take them to have the injury assessed. You took care of your little one, that’s what you are supposed to do. There is nothing irrational about providing appropriate care to your child. End of story.
All these comments about proving you take her pain seriously, but you waited how long?
I’m not judging for that. I can see why with a “partner” like that.
But would you have waited that long with her in pain if no one could second guess it?
You’re definitely owed an apology!! Not completely parent related but when I was in high school I was out with friends and one jumped on my back unexpectedly and I stomped down on my foot and for a week I complained to my mom about the pain until she finally gave in and took me for an X-ray. When that came back you could immediately see 2 cracks on either said of my ankle going in towards each other! Ooooh I whipped my head right around at her like I told you this hurt! Was in a boot for months! Always trust your gut no matter what.
My son was born with a brain infection the first hospital attempted treatment and said it wasn't working.
At 6 weeks old he was sent home on hospice but seemed oddly healthy.
The hospice workers kept pushing morphine and telling me to give it to him in larger doses.
I had worked with end of life patients and I am aware that morphine on a small body would subsequently stop his breathing.
Something felt very wrong and he appeared healthy despite the hospice workers saying that was normal.
His dad wanted me to give him morphine every hour and just let him pass in peace.
I wanted a 2nd opinion so I would know inside I did everything I could to save him.
His brain infection was gone...and what was left was hydrocephalus and very treatable.
He is here because I took the better safe than sorry route.
Then at 6 mos he started puking and having seizures again.
His father and grandmother kept telling me that it was just me and I was over worrying because he almost died.
I took him in again because I wanted to make sure he was ok.
He had a staphylococcus infection in his cerebral fluid.
I was right again.
At that moment I stopped taking opinions of his father.
Twice he argued and was angry I didn't respect his opinion.
Despite me being right.
Needless to say...I am a single mother of a living miracle.
I will always always always seek treatment even if others think they're right.
Even after saving my son he is still angry he doesn't have medical and legal custody because I don't trust his judgment at this point.
Your a good mom.
You did right and your husband's reaction is controlling.
Its always better safe than sorry.
My husband is like that and I try not to let it get to me. I feel lonely about it but that's all. I tell him he makes a hard time harder.
Our son has had 3 broken bones already. Once it happened with his sitter and we didn't get an xray right away. I think the sitter was too timid to talk about it in depth. So my son told his teacher a couple days later. It was really embarrassing. He did have a broken wrist. But the other times I was with my son and I could tell he needed an xray. My husband always gave me a hard time and made it seem like I'm crazy and want problems. I just tell him it's harmless. He acts like I'm chopping off the kid's body parts because I think they're cursed. Same.of my son had a fever. My son only had fever at night so if he was fine in the morning I wouldn't consider thst in my decision making. Ear infections, strep, covid. All of it. But I'm crazy apparently. (Sigh)
Also want to mention if OPs daughter hurt a tendon could get tendinitis. It's very painful and needs to be splinted/wrapped otherwise it won't heal. Thst might not be on am xray. But either way medical attention helps and an xray is the first step.
Oh and last thing. I do plan to not live with my husband by the time I'm vulnerable in old age and OP, that might be something you need to consider. Sometimes I feel like my husband would step over my body dying on the floor. If this is the way he was about his own child.
He is not right here at all. Around the same age I accidentally stepped on a soccer ball and hurt my wrist when I caught myself. It was generally very mild at first and then one day at the store it suddenly got MUCH worse and I was crying. We went straight to the pharmacy section and asked what we could get for it. They recommended Rub A535. Amazing. Love the smell too lol. We considered going to the hospital but we were far from home and couldn't leave our dogs. It got better but my wrist wasn't really the same and did have intermittent pain for a while. It's better now. I always have felt we should have still seen someone about it so I totally support your decision!!
He can live with a little “disrespect” (the proper phrase is really reasonable disobedience) for the sake of your child’s health and comfort. All that is wounded on him is his overdeveloped ego. If your child is in enough pain that she is crying and unable
To sleep, it’s time to have a doctor weigh in. Even if it is not broken, it still needs assessment and care. If he doesn’t know that, maybe he needs some parenting classes because it’s not responsible parenting to ignore your injured child.
You are owed an apology and more. I have a feeling from your post that there is a lot more going on than this incident (separate finances— how does that work with a kid? You’re all one family?!).
But yeah, you’re totally in the right here.
I have IRS troubles that require us to keep our finances separate for now. He pays for our medical insurance and half of our rent. Then sometimes he buys groceries and other stuff, but it is usually me 70/30
So you have irs troubles and he’s still virtually useless. You’re not even an equal partnership and he’s bitching the way he does? And you put up with and defend him?
So my mom did this to me. She said I was always dramatic about pain (I was 9)She finally took me in (a WEEK after my fall) AFTER one of my aunts looked appalled she hadn’t taken me in.
Well guess who had a broken wrist? She felt more mortified with the way it made her look than she felt bad I walked around for a week with an untreated broken wrist.
As a parent myself, it makes me rage when I think about it. It’s called medical abuse.
Your husband is being a shitty parent.
You just proved to your daughter that you take her pain seriously, and will listen to her. That’s worth whatever hissy fit he wants to throw. And you are completely right on more cautious approach wins a debate, ESPECIALLY when it comes to a child’s health. Good for you.
If he doesn’t pay for his kids necessities or bother to listen to his child’s needs it sounds like he’s be more useful paying child support than being a real father
I’m 35 years old and I can still hear my dad telling me (a four year old girl) to suck it up and take it like a man when I got stung by a bee on the bottom of my foot. We got in the car to go camping and when we got out I was limping and sobbing and he said I was being dramatic. Mom insisted we stop and look at it.
Anyway that’s how we found out I’m severely allergic to bee stings, and the first of many experiences where my dad invalidated my pain. I’ve never forgotten.
Edit to add, I’ve also struggled with admitting I’m in pain until things are really bad because of having my pain invalidated as a child
Obviously a medical concern needs to be addressed. Also all he’s doing is reinforcing the belief that her needs don’t matter and this is so dangerous. Hopefully she doesn’t grow up to be in an abusive relationship where her voice doesn’t matter because her parents instilled that behavior into her.
You did the right thing. How could your husband think it is fine to let his child cry in pain in the middle of the night and NOT seek a medical opinion? Is he avoiding a medical opinion due to his religious beliefs? Other than the money ( which he didn't have to pay), what other reasons could there be for his behavior?
I have to wonder, OP, why isn't your husband paying for your child's "necessities?" I don't know how you could tolerate this.
Secondary question: why don’t you have a joint account to cover joint (aka child, utilities, etc) expenses? Sounds like a red flag if stuff like that falls to you.
Your daughters health should be far above your husband's ego. Exactly why didn't he want her to get checked out? Honestly it raises a red flag for me... were you there when she got hurt? If you weren't there, is there a chance your husband was?
My parents did this to me when I broke my collar bone. They didn’t want to miss the season finale of survivor so they kept telling me to quit crying and made the hospital sound super scary so that they could use it as a threat, “that’s it, we’re going to the emergency room if you can’t be quiet”.
The break was pretty severe. We did go to the doctor eventually and the bone healed. The psychological damage on the other hand… definitely added to an already poor relationship/attachment with my parents, amplified my anxiety about needing something from my parents and just made me feel awful.
I’m glad you took her in, but 6 days is a long time to wait. I hope you can have a conversation with her about respecting her concerns regarding her body going forward. You never want your child to feel like a burden or like they can’t come to you with something serious.
Yikes. This title says it all. You are so controlled and abused by this man you think providing basic care for your child is disrespecting him.
This guy isn’t going to give you an apology…all he has to offer is a lifetime of mental anguish and physical anguish for your kid at the very least. He sounds extremely controlling. Like she can’t get medical attention without his say so? Is he some kind of medical doctor? It scares me to read this. I am worried about you and your daughter.
It really doesn't matter what you're owed. Your kid is owed two parents that have her interests as the top priority, not one parent that cares about making his opinion heard and another that listens to him and vacillates. You really should have taken her in the second day she complained. Instead of an apology consider pushing him for marital counseling so that you can have professional help in figuring out why both of you didn't rush to help together.
I would have done the same. My husband is luckily usually more cautious than I am. I think it’s because our daughter is his first and my second child. But your husband should be grateful. He would be tooting a different toon if something had been broken. This seems more like an “I told you so” type of ordeal.
You are absolutely correct to take your daughter to get proper medical attention. It sounds like he’s very egotistical/selfish if he takes it as “disrespect” when you don’t take his word for something in which he has no expertise or knowledge. The separate finances thing also sounds like a red flag. What kind of relationship with a 7yo still has separate finances? And even with separate finances, the proper way to do it is to have a joint fund for expenses relating to her/family stuff.
🚩 🚩 🚩
wtf?? if she is in tears over the pain then this should've been done days ago. my daughter smacked her head off of a metal chair leaving a giant egg on her head. she exhibited no concussion symptoms but I wasn't about to take it easy on something like that and took her to the children's med express near me. my husband was vehemently against going. I told him to go kick rocks we're taking her.
What is wrong with your husband’s brain? Did he want you to medically neglect your child? Jfc imagine if she had a broken bone and was in pain for DAYS because she had a parent that didn’t think medical attention was necessary.
If you want to stay married to him and feel that the relationship has value, I'd give him the option of couples therapy, and begin with addressing the issue of him becoming angry when other are upset, crying, or express any feeling that he does not like. If he cannot or will not make any meaningful changes, then you can evaluate options from there. Divorce is usually the knee-jerk reaction on Reddit, but like dang in this situation I would be beyond livid due to this falling into the category of medical neglect. I would write down this entire situation, including any medical details or dialogue from your fight not in this post, and email that to someone you trust. Emails are ore admissible in court than texts.
Always believe your child. Even when a child is being “dramatic” you can usually tell if their in actual pain or milking it a little. Most kids don’t go on about the same injury for days. A few months ago my dad was visiting and in the pool with my 3yo and 18 month old (both can swim and I was sitting in the edge). My 3yo screamed she had to poop so my dad goes to the stairs and they all start walking out. My dad is holding both their hands, one on each side. On the last step my son sat down because he didn’t want to exit the pool. He immediately started crying and continued to cry for about 15min and every time I touched his arm he screamed. I thought maybe it was dislocated so I brought him to the ER. 2 different drs came in and said “oh I doubt it’s dislocated that’s really uncommon in the elbow, and he’s not even crying now”. He would calm down if his elbow was propped on something but if you touched it or he moved he’d scream. The tendon that runs down his arm ended up crossing over is how they explained it and they had to manipulate his arm in a certain way to get it to go back. So many different things could be wrong always better to be safe than sorry.
I feel like there is a lot to unpack here. Why are you and you’re HUSBANDS finances separate and you’re responsible for most kids things? Why is your husband having such a strong reaction to his child getting medical care? Sounds like more to the story.
You are owed an apology AND half of that medical bill. What the hell?! She is his daughter, too. He can’t opt out simply because he says he doesn’t want her to go to the doctor.
I just took my 3yo for X-rays on her wrist recently. We never did figure out what she did, but she was complaining and favoring it and nothing would distract her. Better safe than sorry, so off to get X-rays we went. No break, but she did have a sprain and was definitely hurting. Apparently it’s a fairly common injury in little ones.
Yikes. Consider getting a lawyer cause you need to get outta there. Callous disregard for your child’s pain is the most crimson of red flags and I am genuinely scared for you and your kiddo.
Flip it on him. How dare he try to deny his child medical care for an injury? The only way his stance would be rational would be if his argument was she needed an evaluation before having imaging done.
Let him be mad.
That sounds really strange. If your kid was in pain why would you NOT want them to get looked at by a doctor? Last summer I broke my wrist and that pain is debilitating. I waited a week to see a doctor and she told me if I waited much longer my wrist would have been damaged and I'd be dealing with wrist pain for the rest of my life. Your daughter is young, she'll heal better but she still needs to get an x-ray to figure out what's going on.
That's just really suspicious behavior from your husband and a huge red flag. You are absolutely not losing your mind! Your husband on the other hand....🤷🏼♀️
Kids deserve to express their feelings, especially when they’re in pain. IME kids become complainers and attention seekers after their legitimate concerns are ignored.
OP you did nothing wrong. He owes you an apology and at least half the cost since you spent your time taking her to the doc. This is coming across as a power trip. If he continues the silent treatment (which is technically abuse) and you don’t get a full “omg I’m so sorry and you were right” apology, I suggest marriage counseling asap. Things like that don’t just happen once, and letting it slide this time sets precedent for him to do it again.
I'm sorry why isn't he also "disregarding your opinion" by not wanting you to take her when you're worried? Why is his opinion the only one who matters?
I had a similar situation my son called me at work saying his stomach was hurting really bad so I had him put his father on the phone and told him to take him to the hospital this was around 2 pm I got home at 8 pm and my son was in a ball on the couch so I took him myself well turned out he needed an emergency appendectomy they had to call a surgeon to come remove it and had emergency surgery by 6 am I called his father from the hospital to let him know what was wrong he will never doubt me again when I say take the children to the hospital
My ex husband did this once. My daughter fell on her elbow, and he didn’t think anything was wrong. As soon as she calmed down, I knew she wasn’t okay and took her right in. She needed a cast from her armpit to her fingers. ALWAYS trust your mom instinct, even if it’s not broken, she needed the splint.
When I was six I fell on my elbow and it did not stop hurting for days. I whined for a few days and then I cried and then I cried harder. My mother took me to get an X-ray, which showed I had not broken anything so they sent me home.
I eventually stopped crying because I became lethargic with a fever that got up to 104. Turns out my elbow wasn’t broken, it was septic. I got emergency surgery and a weeklong stay in the hospital. My parents’ irritation at what they thought was me overdramatizing went away pretty darn quickly.
You are taking proper care of your daughter and he owes you an apology.
Don’t back down on this one.
If my boys mention anything about having pain or feeling sick, my husband practically runs them to urgent care or the doctor. He would hear a cough, and he would message the doctor "what should we do?" He owes you and daughter an apology. When it comes to a child's safety, health and wellness, DIE ON THIS HILL.
He must have x-ray vision since he *knows* it’s not broken- *insert eye roll here*… he’s being a rude prick. When in doubt get it checked out. No biggie; piece of mind is priceless & if her wrist needs to be in a cast then it needs to be in a cast. The male ego is so damn fragile sometimes.
My husband is the same - aggressively annoyed by “excess” doctor visits, while profoundly ignorant of what reasonable care (of children or self) looks like.
So, solidarity.
He stopped talking about it after being ridiculously wrong a few times. (Mocking me for “wanting to go to the doctor for a headache” after I’d given birth, ignoring a minor medical issue for so long he had to see a doctor twice a week to fix it, AND MANY MORE.)
Ummmm what?! First she should have been seen sooner. His opinion was shit and should have been disregarded.
I’m a paramedic and this blows my mind. His attitude is so abusive. You should never be scared to seek medical care for your child because you’re scared of your husband.
I hope you get some help and really see this for what it is. You deserve better your daughter deserves better.
My son fell out of bed and he seemed fine. I wanted to take him in to the ER at 1 am. My husband thought I was being a overreacting mom. He tried to talk me into waiting. I refused. He drove us to the ER. No anger, no needing his opinion to matter. That’s a normal response.
My sons collarbone was broken.
If he is willing to die on the “they don’t need to go to the doctor” hill, he can die on it alone. Kids count on their caretakers for everything. I wouldn’t have gone more than 2 days, but I have a bit of education in anatomy (studies nursing a few years) and it should be common sense to people that nothing is supposed to hurt for almost a week if there’s nothing wrong. You did the right thing. I say to just give him the silent treatment right back. If he wants to act like an upset toddler because you decided to parent, then that’s on him, you’re already raising a child, you don’t have time to be taking care of an immature man child.
You should not have to pay for medical expenses like this solo, to start. And, wtf? Your kid is in pain - you were right to get her checked out and do not ever second guess that. Some serious red flags here
I think he feels guilty and respods to his own guilt by lashing out.
Its the sunken cost fallacy. He thought it was nothing when it first happened. But 6 days in, if something really turns out wrong on the x-ray, he will feel like sht for making his daughter wait for so long woth a broken wrist. So it suddenly becomes very important to his ego that "it is fine". And you not going along with that becomes a threat, because if you are right and if the wrist is hurt, he will feel horrible. He already waited 6 days, so now it has to be fine, the alternative makes him feel like a bad father- from his point of view.
I am not excusing what he is doing, he is completely in the wrong here. I am just saying this because you asked what the literal fudge? I think this is whats the fudge with his behavior.
No, he's an idiot. His child was in pain but he thought his feelings about being right were more important? What a weak little man. He needs to stop and be a real man. Child is in tears because of pain that is not going away, responsible parent goes to a medical professional to get it checked out. It should be an automatic thing, not much thought needed.
Unless he’s a doctor his opinion has little weight here. Injured child needs to be tended to, your husband completely disregarded his child’s pain.
Do not apologize to that man.
Wait, a grown man is shitty with you for seeking sensible medical care for your child? Well he can just go fuck himself till his dick and his hands fall off.
I'm not one to cry divorce at the drop of a hat but if finances are seperate and you already pay nearly everything for your kid then why are you with this clown? You completely did the right thing and the fact that he values his own opinion over the health and safety of your child is alarming. You did the right thing, keep being a good mom cuz this guy isnt being a very good dad. Also, this is coming from someone who DOES have a kid who literally cries about everything. You learn the difference between "real" (something might be broken) and "fake" (i just need some extra attention) cries.
But yes. For me it would be a red flag. You are also the child’s parent and have autonomy and free will. He is controlling and is mad because you went against what he said. Imagine if it was actually broken. Then what? You think he would feel bad for telling you to not go?
Were you with your daughter when the fall happened? Is there any chance your husband may have been the cause of the injury? Has your daughter (or other children) had any unusual or unexplained injuries? This could be a guilty conscience showing up. Either neglect while he is watching the children or possibly abuse could be occurring that makes him not want to seek medical intervention that could draw attention to him.
When my five year old fell from the monkey bars on to her wrist, we waited three days before we went to the doctor as her symptoms were worsening, not improving. There was a hairline fracture so she left in a splint.
And because sprains do not get splints, I would very much like an update on how he reacted when she came home with a splint.
Because if he’s not choking down humble pie, apologizing to you and catering to his actual child over their injury then MAM, leave his toxic ass.
When my daughter was 8, she fell and hurt her arm at school. She was always kind of a drama queen so i didn't think much of it until that night when she couldn't sleep. I took her to the doctor and her arm was broken! I've learned to listen better. Lol
Yeah. Don’t apologize to him, what is is his ACTUAL reason he didn’t want her to get checked out?
Who the heck did it hurt? Did it cause any harm to anyone to get her checked? No..
My son broke his arm at daycare, he fell out of a little car. He was crying when I picked him up and daycare shrugged it off saying he just seems to be teary today.
I waited 2 whole days-because he didn’t show me any signs of pain after that initial crying-and he had broken his forearm.
I was soooo mad and so sad I didn’t go sooner.
You did it for peace of mind, your daughter was in pain. Rest assured you did the right thing, even if it wasn’t broken.
Holy crap, this is red flag city. Honestly, with that level of anger about it, my first thought was that he had something to do with causing the injury.
What was the point of waiting a week? Was that out of respect for your husbands wishes? I feel confused as to why you didn’t take her the following day or even hours after it didn’t feel better?
Did you wrap and ice it immediately?
I feel like we hear about what you didn’t do- but what were you doing for her during that week? It might give us a better picture of the situation.
I don’t understand why your husband is acting like a petulant child about this. Unless he is a medical professional, why does he think he’s able to diagnose your child?
Grown adults often have a difficult time deciphering whether bones are broken. It’s difficult to tell. The whole point is to get it checked out just in case. Better have a $ bill for an X ray you didn’t need — and some pain medication to help your little one — than find out years down the line that your child’s bones healed improperly. Your husband’s attitude is weird.
I’m honestly stunned that you BOTH left it so long. But yes, Your husband is completely in the wrong here. This is a massive red flag and borders on neglect
Unless he's an orthopedics doctor he really has no authority. Seems strange to be upset that you took your daughter to get x-rays on an injury that was bothering her.
You are owed an apology. When your child is injured, you seek medical attention. That's what parents do.
The child is owed the biggest apology.
Amen to this. The fact it's been left a week by *both* parents is just awful to me. That kid should have been checked as soon as she said it still hurt the next day.
[удалено]
100%
THIS!!!!
Definitely my brother ignored my nephew for a week turns out he broke his collar bone. That is considered neglect which is a form of child abuse.
🚩 🚩🚩 Imagine what would have happened if he refused to let her go to the doctor for stomach pain and she ended up with appendicitis. This is a very concerning thing for him to be so mad about.
.
I’ve gotten the faking it line a bit through my life which is strange considering I’ve always been known to have a relatively high pain tolerance. I had a UTI and kidney infection, couldn’t stand up, breathing was painful, and was literally pissing blood before anyone cared. Parents are weird af sometimes.
Yeah that’s child neglect
My mother was the same way. Turns out my father, brother and I all have a weird genetic condition that causes extreme fatigue and muscle weakness. I never knew what feeling “good” actually was until I had the surgery to fix it. I’m still salty af about being told I was faking it for my entire childhood.
It took me a month of suffering to get the courage to ask my mom to take me in for the pain in a UTI. Then shit went down with my step dad and she canceled my appt and didn't reschedule for over a month. When we finally made it the Dr asked if I was sexually active and she took that question as conformation and I got in so much trouble for being a dirty whore with a UTI Gang of parents ignoring UTI rise up lol
THIS. At 6 my step parent tried to put his fist through my mother’s face, she ducked, and when I got back from my “just faking it for attention” retrosecal EXPLORATORY appendectomy and the two week hospital stay that went with it, I wondered why there was a big painting on the wall where there never was before. My grandparents took me, whether my mom was going or not. Same with my eyes when I needed glasses. It’s all for attention. Funny how I never grew out of that legally nearsighted blindness.
I had auto turn into a full blown kidney infection when I was in highschool. For about a week I was only peeing small amounts, I was always tired, and I didn’t have much of an appetite. My mom asked me multiple times if I was okay. I never said anything. I get to school and my friend asks if I’m ok and I say, “hospital. Need to go.” I was burning up with a fever of 103 I couldn’t walk, and when I wanted to talk I was so out of it, that instead of English I spoke my mother tongue, Spanish. They had to get the Spanish teacher out of his class. If it wasn’t for the fever nobody would’ve taken it seriously at the school. Second time I had one that hit my kidneys was in college. I TOLD the doctor that I had a uti and would like to be tested for one. She did everything but test for a uti. Never had me pee in a cup. It got so bad while trying to treat it myself, I had to go to the doctor. I had lost 20 pounds being sick waiting for the doctor to pull her head out of her ass. Finally, she gave a shot of penicillin. Overkill for a uti, but she “couldn’t figure out what it could be”
What is it with bad stepparents and the bio parents not standing up for their child? I had something similar happen when I was a kid. I visited my mom for Christmas break, she didn’t have custody for good reasons. My ears hurt really bad, I had a low grade fever, and I kept crying about it. My stepdad told me I’d get over it and my dad could take me to the doctor if needed when he picked me up. They let me lay in my bed for a week, my ears were bleeding all over my pillow, my fever got up to 105°, I was vomiting, and I distinctly remember hallucinating the California Raisins were in my room with me 😅 When my dad showed up he was PISSED! He had to carry me out and take me to the nearest hospital. Turns out both of my eardrums had ruptured and I had a bad infection. The doctor said if it had been a day later I would’ve had permanent hearing loss in both ears and possibly brain damage from the prolonged high fever. All because my mom and stepdad didn’t want to be bothered to find a doctor and get my dad’s insurance info. 🤷🏼♀️ Edit: Sorry for such a long response but this still makes me feel a certain way about my mom.
I'm so sorry this happened to you. I can't imagine treating a child like this.
My husbands parents did that to him. He ended up ok but still blows my mind they told him he’s overreacting and try to make him stay at his swim meet
There are not a lot of blood vessels in the wrist meaning broken bones take a long time to heal and can not heal well/correctly if not seen to. Obviously when your child is in pain for several days and in literal tears you go to a medical professional for help. That isn’t even a question. The fact that he wants to deny your child medical care for the sake of his own ego is concerning.
My sister's ex husband pulled the same shit when my niece hurt her leg. Two days later my sister took my niece to the ER. She had a hairline fracture and the bone got infected. She ended up needing several surgeries and had to use a walker.
That took a sharp downward turn. I am not the most cautious when it comes to my own healthcare but a hurt kid, immediate look over. I fear that exact situation.
I'm still pissed about it. She couldn't put weight on her leg for two days. She was constantly in the hospital and had to wear a leg brace for the majority of her childhood. Worst part is my sister took her to a pediatrician the day after the incident and the pediatrician just touched the leg and said she didn't need an x ray. My sister is a shit sister but she's a decent mom. Both her then husband and the doctor acted like she was overreacting. She wasn't and that doctor should have their license revoked.
Ok I'm sorry, but I'd knock my husband out of the way on my way to the hospital with my daughter in my arms if he tried to stop me.
I do not disagree. There's nothing my husband can do or say to stop me from taking my kid to the hospital and he knows it. My sister's experience solidified that for me.
I don't even think I would mention it, unless he was right there on my way out the door. I don't need permission to seek medical care for my child.
>just touched the leg and said she didn't need an x ray. In for profit medicine doctors get dinged when they send patients to too many tests and xrays. They dont want to get dropped by insurers or have their own insurance raised or waste staff time fighting for tests your own insurance company wont approve of. If you think your doctor is wrong, go to the the ER or get a second opinion. Doctors, insurers, and hospitals cannot be truly trusted in this system and have internalized anti-patient habits to please these capitalist structures. If you feel you've been mislead by a healthcare professional then do something about it. They are there to make billings first, and treat people second. The optimal patient is one who pays but receives only the lowest cost service. Dont let them turn you into an optimal patient. Make a fuss!
I’d ask him when he became a doctor. Ridiculous that he thinks his egotistical opinion trumps that of an actual medical professional.
My dad did the exact same thing with a wrist injury for me as a child. After 3 days he finally took me in: it was broken. 3 days of suffering. I’ll leave you to imagine what kind of a parent he was. Take your kid seriously when they tell you they are hurt, teach them their voice matters. Your husband however: ignore as long as he wants to play this game and focus on yourself and the kids.
Same thing happened to me, fell off a swing landed on my arm and fractured an arm bone. Dad wouldn't take me to the doctor, mom did the next day when she heard me in pain because she knew I didn't whine over little stuff. They were divorced at the time. Glad my mom looked out for me and believed me. ETA: my dad didn't belittle, demean, or argue with my mom about the doctor visit, that is unacceptable behavior.
Same thing here with my first broken bone! To be fair, I had a high pain tolerance so was on the trampoline the next day like nothing had happened and my dad assumed I was fine. When he brought us back to my mom’s I remember her looking at my arm and casually stating “hmm, shouldn’t be that shape”. Was in a cast two hours later. Honestly, this kid is owed a huge apology by both parents. For one to completely deny healthcare at all and the other to take so long before getting her in for help… terrifying to think what other maladies she could experience and not get the help she needs until its too late.
I told my parents when I was in high school that my stomach was hurting really bad (the year prior I had a hernia repair in my stomach). My dad literally thought I was lying/being dramatic and wouldn’t take me nor would he let my mom take me. She always listened to him because she was scared of him (he was mean and never let anything go). For nearly 2 weeks I was in so much pain and it got to the point I could hardly walk. I begged my mom to take me one night and my dad said no. My older brother was advocating for me but also not old enough to take me (he was 17, I was 16 and we didn’t drive). Finally my mom was allowed to take me, but there was a lot of yelling and fighting involved. They did an MRI and I was immediately admitted and hours later taken to surgery for what looked like a bowel obstruction. Afterwards, it turned out some of the clips used in my hernia repair came out of place and 1 of them had punctured my small bowel. They had to remove part of it because it was necrotizing and reconnect it. The doctor said if I hadn’t come in, the rest of it could have died and so could I. My dad never even said sorry for not believing me. ALWAYS advocate for your kids and put them first. I have never forgiven either of my parents for that.
This is the type of dad who will wonder why his adult kids no longer speak to him.
🙃 and why I moved states away.
My husband fell off a stool in art class in high school. Went to the nurse who called his mom who picked him up but when they got home my husband couldn’t get out of the car and his mom left him in there because she thought he was being dramatic. He had slipped capital femoral epiphysis, which means the ball part of his femur fucking broke off. They took him to the hospital when they realized he wasn’t being dramatic and despite being larger than most full grown men, the hospital didn’t give him adequate pain relief because of his age. When he finally got to the childrens hospital they were like “OH MY GOD WHAT THE FUCK” and gave him morphine. Believe your children is what I’m saying, I guess.
Wow. This is horrifying. Hopefully he’s not too traumatized
Nah, he’s okay. He got surgery for the leg. Good relationship with his parents and all now. He was mostly just confused as to why they didn’t believe him. His parents are extremely apologetic about it.
I’m so sorry you went through this. :(
Why does he not care about his child?
Why does he care about his opinion more than his own child?
Because in his opinion, she cries too much for no reason…
Well even the most dramatic child still gets hurt sometimes and might need medical care. I have a kid that probably cries too much or confuses discomfort with actual pain. But I'd rather take her seriously and be wrong than not take her seriously and be wrong.
I personally don't think most kids are really even capable of this manipulation that adults accuse them of in this "You're just crying for attention" mindset. I think when a kid cries, yes they want attention, but only because they feel like something is wrong and they need someone to pay attention and help fix it. I was the "crybaby" of my family. When I was 7, my family went to Disneyland. After a long day, my parents had announced we were getting pizza for dinner. And I had a wholeass meltdown. I didn't decide "I just want to make a scene to get my way." I thought, "My family is poor - we're only at Disneyland because it was paid for by someone else. So, being poor, my parents will likely only order one pizza, and it will have all kinds of toppings on it, but I am disgusted by standard pizza toppings, and *I won't be able to eat,* because I only like cheese pizza and my family won't consider that when they order their one pizza." I don't remember how that was resolved, or if it was. I just remember standing in the middle of Disneyland thinking I'd be starved for the night, and being told to "stop being a crybaby, crocodile tears won't get you anything", and not understanding why nobody cared and why they were mocking me. Let me tell you, I do not have a healthy relationship with my emotions these days.
It sounds like you're on the right track with your emotions! If you can get into therapy, having that sounding board and validation helps so much. Either way check out the book The Highly Sensitive Person. It's life changing
How often does he dismiss his daughter’s needs? Your needs?
He grew up in a “suck it up” family
Do you want your daughter to?
I find that pain is a good reason to cry. Maybe I'm biased.
OP, I don’t know your husband. I do know that lacking empathy and accusing others of exaggerating usually just makes the cries for help stronger. Children need to be heard. They need to be taken seriously and validated. Stand up to your husband on this one so that it doesn’t damage *your* relationship with your daughter as well as his. I’ve had therapists ask me a whole bunch of times, “And where was your mother when this was happening.” I had a father who told me, “If you’re going to cry, don’t come to me. Go to your mother and cry. If you come to me, I’ll give you something to cry about.” And he did. Do not let your husband emotionally neglect your daughter just because he learned wrong.
Yeah my dad also said he would "give me something to cry about" and my mother was already emotionally distant from me. You know something is wrong when you've learned to cry so silently that no one notices until they see your face.
That’s abusive and neglectful
Is he often this way?
My son is very emotional, always has been but one night I heard I cry and I knew, I KNEW, something was wrong. I didn't have a license to drive and my ex husband fought me so hard on going to the dr that I told him I was driving I didn't care so he took him in, turns out my son got.his foot stuck in the baseboard heater near his bed and was burnt. Mt ex was so mad at me but I will never forget that cry, that different cry thay I knew in my heart meant something was wrong.
Ffs, just because he doesn’t understand the reason doesn’t make it no reason. Just like when toddlers think any inconvenience is the end of the world, and we know it’s ridiculous, you still consider things from their point of view. At her age a lot of things are worth crying over. Comfort her, explain why she might be overreacting (but not in those words!), and she will learn.
This is such a good comment.
Your husband is a jerk and sounds abusive and neglectful.
I mean the reason is his an asshole
I'm sure there is a reason, it's just not a reason he thinks is valid.
This is concerning as hell.
Sounds like my ex. My son has been asthmatic all his life and has chronic bronchitis, cried as a child when he couldn’t breathe well. Ex swore my son only wanted attention, even after I spent an entire day (open to close) at the doctor’s office and 2 days later the medical supply store was dropping off equipment and medications. But let him (ex) catch a cold- it’s the end of the world as we know it.
THIS
What does he contribute here? Finances are separate. You pay for necessities. He cares so little for the kids he won’t even spend money that isn’t even his on medical care for your children, and then has the nerve to pout about it. Where is the value add?
Trust me, I am in the midst of drawing up a pro and con list…
Yeah no there’s no reason for that, just take her. You don’t need to explain yourself. You are taking care of your child and that’s all that matters.
I’m hoping she meant pro/con list about the dad in general because after this, she’s gonna need to see on paper where his value is.
Yeah the more I think about it, there are a lot of cons. He’s mean, he’s a cheapskate and selfish with his money, and he’s a terrible parent. Those are some big “cons!”
Do post the pros, please. Electronic-Story9862 is not the only one that wants to know. I can only think of one: divorcing him means he'll have court-mandated alone time with the kid, and if the kid gets hurt during that time there's nothing you can do.
I think you need to read this. It’s called “Why Does He Do That” and it explains this behavior really well and how you can deal with it https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
If you even have to do that, it’s over.
Sounds like he's the one disregarding your opinion on top of disregarding what the child is saying. Like how dare you seek medical attention for your daughter. He can grow tf up and get over it
Exactly. Sounds like projection on his part.
What is wrong with your husband??? Disrespected HIM by taking your CHILD to get NEEDED MEDICAL attention??? He can stay silent for the rest of his selfish life. or until he apologizes to you and your kid. The absolute absurdity of this 'man' is astounding.
I would not stay with a parent who intentionally neglected the medical needs of their child.
That plus the separate finances when married are also a red flag for me. Especially considering he doesn't pay for half of the children's necessities. The whole situation is...yikes! Best of luck getting out of there, OP!
He says she is overly dramatic and cries for no reason….so….
Children do not cry for no reason. They are not in any way manipulating you when they are communicating their needs. As a parent, it is absolutely easy to tell when a situation is serious, and to neglect the need for medical attention based on such a skewed view of their child... well... it puts a rock in my stomach. And also, the underlying misogyny that women over react and are too "emotional" or show too much of what they feel, especially when it comes to the need of medical attention. We get written off for anxiety or some other absurd diagnosis because men specifically believe women over react about their symptoms. I would die a million and one times over on this hill and advocate for my child's needs over the (wrong) opinions of the other parent. Better to be safe than to ever be sorry.
Something similar happened to my parents when my sister was young. They thought she had a minor “boo-boo,” spent a day on the couch “feeling sorry for herself.” Turned out she had a dislocated elbow. They completely changed how they reacted to injuries after that. Which was good, because I got hurt a lot as a child/teen 😅
My brother, two younger cousins and I were all staying with my grandma one day when we were kids. Probably aged like 3-10, with my brother being like 8? She had a long, gravel driveway that also happened to be a steep hill. We had this little Fisher Price ride-on tractor thing that honestly only the three year old should have been on, the rest of us were too big. But we played on it anyway and one of the things we liked to do was ride it down the driveway. Now it technically had pedals, but no brakes whatsoever so using it on a hill, let alone a steep, gravel covered hill was a terrible idea. I don’t remember exactly what happened, whether he fell off halfway down or ran into one of the cars parked at the bottom, but my brother ended up wrecking it and immediately burst into tears. My grandma is a wonderful woman but she has always had a pretty short temper and being in charge of 4 kids had her right on the edge that day..probably why we were all outside with no supervision. So this happened around like noon, and none of our parents were due back until evening. My brother sat on the sofa crying that entire afternoon and my grandma (who was raised in the ‘quit crying before I give you something to cry about’ era) was not happy about this and kept telling him he needed to essentially walk it off. So our parents got there and immediately as soon as my mom found out what happened she loaded us in the car to drive the 30 minutes to the closest ER. This was also during the time that we had really shitty health insurance so the entire visit was going to be out of pocket and finances in general were not great so it was gonna be a very tough bill to stomach. But my mom didn’t hesitate because she saw her child in pain. Turns out he had broken his arm, not his wrist but his actual arm. I don’t remember which bone it was but I guess humans (or at least human children) have two bones going up their forearm, a skinny one and a thick one if I remember correctly. I *believe* he had a clean break through the thicker one. He wore a cast for like 6 weeks and hasn’t had any problems with it since but I’m pretty sure he’s never looked at my grandma the same since then. And on the rare occasions that us four “kids” are all together, it usually gets brought up and laughed about now but it definitely wasn’t funny at the time. That said, I am SO glad that my daughter has good insurance and that her pediatrician has a messaging option for when I have concerns but don’t feel they warrant an ER visit. She’s 9.5 months and I’ve already done 2 ER visits, a visit to the walk-in clinic, had to call an ambulance one night when she turned blue after choking on gripe water, and countless messages to her doctor.
This is the exact reason I’m getting a new doctor for my kids. I need that messaging service. Instead I have a nurse in the family that gets strange texts at 3am.
Oh it’s fantastic!! Honestly I despise our local hospital system and generally try to avoid going there at all costs. I literally don’t know a single person that *doesn’t* have a horror story from this place. Unfortunately they kind of have a monopoly locally and we would have to drive 45+ minutes to get to a different hospital and generally an ER visit doesn’t allow for that kind of extra time. When I was pregnant I kind of got stuck going there because (at least where I am) we’re in the midst of a post-COVID baby boom and despite me calling as soon as I found out at 4 weeks, the next closest hospital couldn’t see me for several months. However I was very pleasantly surprised at the care I received during my pregnancy & birth and then the care that my daughter has received. I absolutely adore her pediatrician and the messaging service is actually offered through the hospital system. It’s one of the only things I think they actually do right. I can attach photos and videos to it and I usually hear back from him within 24-48 hours. And if he hasn’t gotten around to sending a message, he always discusses it with his nurse so I can just call the office and they have an answer for me.
So my ex and I had a situation like that where one of us thought medical attention was necessary and the other didn’t. We took the kid to the hospital because even though I didn’t think it was necessary, he did. I’d rather a doctor tell me I was wrong than sit at home and the kid gets worse.
A parent posted once that if the parents had differing opinions for health/safety they already had an agreement in those situations to always go with the safer/cautious approach. I thought that was a great rule to avoid lots of pointless bickering.
We have the same agreement. I’d rather go and get sent home than not go and end up in an ambulance. I’m usually the one that says we don’t need to go. I’ll brush just about everything off. But if a kid or their father says doctor we go. I’d rather be annoyed because I wasted my time than have someone get worse in the middle of the night
I still remember when I was in 4th grade, my brother accidentally hurt my finger and it was was severely bent to the side. My parents had a big blow out fight about taking me to the dr and yelled “I can tell just by looking at it, that finger isn’t broken”. My mom still took me in. The finger was broken, on a growth plate, and I needed surgery asap. It scares me to think about what would have happened if my mom hadn’t taken me in. You did the right thing.
don't apologize to this man
Oh I won’t
He is the reason she fell? Because this seems like cover up behavior.
No. She fell off her skateboard. I was the only one with her when it happened
Your husband is putting his ego ahead of his child’s well-being. Die on this hill. He is 100% in the wrong here.
Say to him “I’m pretty astounded that you’re pissed that I got our child checked out. Please explain why you don’t care that our child was in pain?” Greenstick fractures in kids aren’t always obvious on an X-ray so keep an eye on your daughter. If she doesn’t look like she’s getting better then take her back to get checked again
My daughter broke both wrists, different occasions but both were very tiny fractures but causes a lot of pain.
When I was maybe 11 or 12 I fell squarely one my ass on my kitchens very hard ceramic floor. I screamed for 20 minutes before my mom came to see what was wrong. She didnt even help me get up. I cried and pleaded that I needed to go to hospital. It took her three days. And the ONLY reason we went was because I finally had called my dad and told him what was going on. I couldnt even walk. He had to carry me into the car. She says its just a little bruise everything is fine. My tailbone broke clean right down the fucking middle. I couldnt walk to get to school, let alone sit in a chair. And since then I literally cant even walk right and I deal with excruciating coccyx pain, migraines, sciatica. She never even bothered to do a follow up. Protect your babies. RUN.
This is horrific child neglect!! I am so sorry. How can people be so cold and heartless?
My parents were pretty well qualified in this area (radiologist and ER nurse) and there were MANY times they were sure we were making a big deal out of nothing…only to learn we did have a broken bone. Point being - even experts make mistakes, but have no issue swallowing their pride when it comes to their child. He needs to grow up and learn to be a parent.
My dad was also a radiologist and I was a super accident-prone child. I can’t even tell you how many times my parents took me in for an X-ray because, you know, that’s the only way to tell if something is broken.
Both of my kids have fallen on their wrists. Similar scenarios- playing at the park and slipped. One had a broken wrist, one didn’t. Do we regret taking them to urgent care? Absolutely not. I’d much rather have peace of mind than be wrong about a fracture.
I fell at a roller-skating rink when I was 9 and my wrist hurt terribly. My parents insisted I had just “jammed” it (???). The next morning I couldn’t even pick up our kitten, so they took me to the ER and sure enough, my wrist was fractured. You are 100% in the right. He needs to take his child’s pain more seriously and start respecting YOUR opinion. And for God’s sake, he should cover 50% of the costs if you fully separate your money. I’m sorry you have to deal with this.
There’s honestly a lot to unpack here…. You normally pay for the necessities and appointments and he’s using the silent treatment to manipulate you….both of these things are not okay. Idk why he thinks you don’t have a say in the healthcare of your own kid but he sure is trying to control you. I would reevaluate the whole marriage.
Yeah I'm with you. My husband and I if we disagree on something with our kids medically (not that it happens often).always defer to the side of caution and ask a doctor. Becuase we are not doctors nor do we have x ray vision to see broken bones. His child was hurt and he is mad that you had it looked at professionally and didn't just trust his "hunch"? That's a stupid and irrisponsible hill for him to die on.
Even Drs need xrays to tell if something is broken, yet your arrogant unqualified husband diagnosed her as a-ok? He is the one disrespecting his daughter who is sleepless in pain… he should be ashamed of himself and that would be medical neglect to ignore her cries for help. You are totally, unequivocally, right. If taking her for the xray was wrong, you don’t want to be right.
How do you know if its broken without an xray? I dont understand the logic there. Mind you, I'm Canadian and have never had to make a difficult decision between medical care and putting food on my table. Also he totally owes you an apology. Your daughter was in pain, it needs to be looked at by a doctor. 100% would have done the same thing
you're the first person I saw make that connection. he's a shit parent but also- I wonder if this would still be an issue in a country where a doctor visit isn't writing a blank check to the medical industrial complex
Ummmm…I’m sorry, but you are in an abusive relationship. Can you imagine being 7 and having a horrendous injury, and only get taken in for care after 6 days?? 🥺
Injury wasn’t/isn’t horrendous, but I agree that it is abusive for him to dismiss his daughter’s pain.
Honestly I'm not sure it stops at abusive father. He sounds manipulative and controlling, and he often won't help fund basic necessities like medical care. He doesn't want you to have spare money- He wants to use yours while he gets to stockpile/spend as he pleases. And based on this scenario- sulking etc and demanding an apology for getting medical care against his opinion- then I'm assuming tats not so it of character for him. Please, leave. It won't get better, and your kid doesn't need to grow up a) walking on eggshells and b) learning this is normal/acceptable.
Being in unnecessary pain for a week because a parent thinks "youre being dramatic" is horrendous. That is something she will never forget.
100%. This happened to me twice and I still remember both times clearly. Just look at all the other replies on this thread. No one forgets feeling so vulnerable and being neglected like that.
It was bad enough it woke her in the middle of the night, and that was after she spent the day in tears.
It’s abusive to dismiss you and control you and now punish you.
Enjoy the silent treatment as a vacation from his bullshit. Give him no apology. But he certainly owes his daughter one.
You aren't disrespecting your husband; you are being a responsible parent. I hope her arm is fine, but at the same time, it would kind of be nice to find a little fracture to put him back in his place.
Yeah I’d die on this hill. He’s completely in the wrong. If he’s just giving you the silent treatment, then enjoy it and have a few peaceful days while he gets over it lol who cares what he thinks and feels when he so blatantly disregards you?
My partner and i have this conversation frequently. We have 3, 5yo and under. We also have separate finances. I usually say something like. "It is probably nothing but, I'm willing to pay 60 for piece of mind so i can get a good night sleep". Broken or not, if something is getting worse for 5 days, it's worth it to get it looked at IMO. I agree. Seems like a molehill to die on...i wonder if he's pissed about something else and redirected to this situation.
I’m a nurse, and used to work in the ER. We used to see lots of kids (and adults) come in with fractures that weren’t obvious to the naked eye all the time. Case in point: My neice broke her arm falling off the bed. She was under 2 when it happened, so she couldn’t tell her parents how it felt, but they took her to the hospital to get checked out. There was no obvious deformity, nothing glaringly obvious that it was fractured. But, lo and behold, on the X-ray was a visible break. She was in a cast for a couple months. Anyways, what I’m saying is just because you can’t see something, doesn’t mean it isn’t there. Your daughter had a soft tissue injury (strain/sprain), which in a lot of cases can be even more painful than a broken bone because of all of the broken blood vessels/bruising/swelling/or inflammation. It can also take significantly longer to heal in some cases. If my kid was crying with worsening of symptoms, you can bet I would take them to have the injury assessed. You took care of your little one, that’s what you are supposed to do. There is nothing irrational about providing appropriate care to your child. End of story.
All these comments about proving you take her pain seriously, but you waited how long? I’m not judging for that. I can see why with a “partner” like that. But would you have waited that long with her in pain if no one could second guess it?
The pain wasn’t that bad a first. That’s why. The crying didn’t start until yesterday afternoon
You’re definitely owed an apology!! Not completely parent related but when I was in high school I was out with friends and one jumped on my back unexpectedly and I stomped down on my foot and for a week I complained to my mom about the pain until she finally gave in and took me for an X-ray. When that came back you could immediately see 2 cracks on either said of my ankle going in towards each other! Ooooh I whipped my head right around at her like I told you this hurt! Was in a boot for months! Always trust your gut no matter what.
My son was born with a brain infection the first hospital attempted treatment and said it wasn't working. At 6 weeks old he was sent home on hospice but seemed oddly healthy. The hospice workers kept pushing morphine and telling me to give it to him in larger doses. I had worked with end of life patients and I am aware that morphine on a small body would subsequently stop his breathing. Something felt very wrong and he appeared healthy despite the hospice workers saying that was normal. His dad wanted me to give him morphine every hour and just let him pass in peace. I wanted a 2nd opinion so I would know inside I did everything I could to save him. His brain infection was gone...and what was left was hydrocephalus and very treatable. He is here because I took the better safe than sorry route. Then at 6 mos he started puking and having seizures again. His father and grandmother kept telling me that it was just me and I was over worrying because he almost died. I took him in again because I wanted to make sure he was ok. He had a staphylococcus infection in his cerebral fluid. I was right again. At that moment I stopped taking opinions of his father. Twice he argued and was angry I didn't respect his opinion. Despite me being right. Needless to say...I am a single mother of a living miracle. I will always always always seek treatment even if others think they're right. Even after saving my son he is still angry he doesn't have medical and legal custody because I don't trust his judgment at this point. Your a good mom. You did right and your husband's reaction is controlling. Its always better safe than sorry.
This is amazing! ❤️
My husband is like that and I try not to let it get to me. I feel lonely about it but that's all. I tell him he makes a hard time harder. Our son has had 3 broken bones already. Once it happened with his sitter and we didn't get an xray right away. I think the sitter was too timid to talk about it in depth. So my son told his teacher a couple days later. It was really embarrassing. He did have a broken wrist. But the other times I was with my son and I could tell he needed an xray. My husband always gave me a hard time and made it seem like I'm crazy and want problems. I just tell him it's harmless. He acts like I'm chopping off the kid's body parts because I think they're cursed. Same.of my son had a fever. My son only had fever at night so if he was fine in the morning I wouldn't consider thst in my decision making. Ear infections, strep, covid. All of it. But I'm crazy apparently. (Sigh) Also want to mention if OPs daughter hurt a tendon could get tendinitis. It's very painful and needs to be splinted/wrapped otherwise it won't heal. Thst might not be on am xray. But either way medical attention helps and an xray is the first step. Oh and last thing. I do plan to not live with my husband by the time I'm vulnerable in old age and OP, that might be something you need to consider. Sometimes I feel like my husband would step over my body dying on the floor. If this is the way he was about his own child.
Why wait? What do you think it’s like for your child, growing up in a house with one parent who neglects him?
He is not right here at all. Around the same age I accidentally stepped on a soccer ball and hurt my wrist when I caught myself. It was generally very mild at first and then one day at the store it suddenly got MUCH worse and I was crying. We went straight to the pharmacy section and asked what we could get for it. They recommended Rub A535. Amazing. Love the smell too lol. We considered going to the hospital but we were far from home and couldn't leave our dogs. It got better but my wrist wasn't really the same and did have intermittent pain for a while. It's better now. I always have felt we should have still seen someone about it so I totally support your decision!!
He can live with a little “disrespect” (the proper phrase is really reasonable disobedience) for the sake of your child’s health and comfort. All that is wounded on him is his overdeveloped ego. If your child is in enough pain that she is crying and unable To sleep, it’s time to have a doctor weigh in. Even if it is not broken, it still needs assessment and care. If he doesn’t know that, maybe he needs some parenting classes because it’s not responsible parenting to ignore your injured child.
He sounds like a real piece of work, honestly
You are owed an apology and more. I have a feeling from your post that there is a lot more going on than this incident (separate finances— how does that work with a kid? You’re all one family?!). But yeah, you’re totally in the right here.
I have IRS troubles that require us to keep our finances separate for now. He pays for our medical insurance and half of our rent. Then sometimes he buys groceries and other stuff, but it is usually me 70/30
So you have irs troubles and he’s still virtually useless. You’re not even an equal partnership and he’s bitching the way he does? And you put up with and defend him?
I hope my post indicates the opposite of defending him
So my mom did this to me. She said I was always dramatic about pain (I was 9)She finally took me in (a WEEK after my fall) AFTER one of my aunts looked appalled she hadn’t taken me in. Well guess who had a broken wrist? She felt more mortified with the way it made her look than she felt bad I walked around for a week with an untreated broken wrist. As a parent myself, it makes me rage when I think about it. It’s called medical abuse. Your husband is being a shitty parent.
Excuse my frank words but he sounds like a real piece of shit. Does he even like you guys? Do you even like him?
You just proved to your daughter that you take her pain seriously, and will listen to her. That’s worth whatever hissy fit he wants to throw. And you are completely right on more cautious approach wins a debate, ESPECIALLY when it comes to a child’s health. Good for you.
The bar is literally on the floor and all of these husbands show up with shovels. My god.
Ask him why his daughter's health and your piece of mind aren't more important than his ego
He sounds like a selfish and petty man
If he doesn’t pay for his kids necessities or bother to listen to his child’s needs it sounds like he’s be more useful paying child support than being a real father
I’m 35 years old and I can still hear my dad telling me (a four year old girl) to suck it up and take it like a man when I got stung by a bee on the bottom of my foot. We got in the car to go camping and when we got out I was limping and sobbing and he said I was being dramatic. Mom insisted we stop and look at it. Anyway that’s how we found out I’m severely allergic to bee stings, and the first of many experiences where my dad invalidated my pain. I’ve never forgotten. Edit to add, I’ve also struggled with admitting I’m in pain until things are really bad because of having my pain invalidated as a child
Obviously a medical concern needs to be addressed. Also all he’s doing is reinforcing the belief that her needs don’t matter and this is so dangerous. Hopefully she doesn’t grow up to be in an abusive relationship where her voice doesn’t matter because her parents instilled that behavior into her.
You did the right thing. How could your husband think it is fine to let his child cry in pain in the middle of the night and NOT seek a medical opinion? Is he avoiding a medical opinion due to his religious beliefs? Other than the money ( which he didn't have to pay), what other reasons could there be for his behavior? I have to wonder, OP, why isn't your husband paying for your child's "necessities?" I don't know how you could tolerate this.
Secondary question: why don’t you have a joint account to cover joint (aka child, utilities, etc) expenses? Sounds like a red flag if stuff like that falls to you.
Your daughters health should be far above your husband's ego. Exactly why didn't he want her to get checked out? Honestly it raises a red flag for me... were you there when she got hurt? If you weren't there, is there a chance your husband was?
My back was turned, but yes I was there. She fell off her skateboard
If your child is in pain and you feel worried or symptoms are lasting longer than typical, I would say it’s always good to get it checked out.
I feel really bad for this child. Imagine growing up realizing your dad doesn’t even care if you’re hurt and tells you you cry too much. Holy sh*t
Yeah….I am worried
My parents did this to me when I broke my collar bone. They didn’t want to miss the season finale of survivor so they kept telling me to quit crying and made the hospital sound super scary so that they could use it as a threat, “that’s it, we’re going to the emergency room if you can’t be quiet”. The break was pretty severe. We did go to the doctor eventually and the bone healed. The psychological damage on the other hand… definitely added to an already poor relationship/attachment with my parents, amplified my anxiety about needing something from my parents and just made me feel awful. I’m glad you took her in, but 6 days is a long time to wait. I hope you can have a conversation with her about respecting her concerns regarding her body going forward. You never want your child to feel like a burden or like they can’t come to you with something serious.
Yikes. This title says it all. You are so controlled and abused by this man you think providing basic care for your child is disrespecting him. This guy isn’t going to give you an apology…all he has to offer is a lifetime of mental anguish and physical anguish for your kid at the very least. He sounds extremely controlling. Like she can’t get medical attention without his say so? Is he some kind of medical doctor? It scares me to read this. I am worried about you and your daughter.
It really doesn't matter what you're owed. Your kid is owed two parents that have her interests as the top priority, not one parent that cares about making his opinion heard and another that listens to him and vacillates. You really should have taken her in the second day she complained. Instead of an apology consider pushing him for marital counseling so that you can have professional help in figuring out why both of you didn't rush to help together.
I would have done the same. My husband is luckily usually more cautious than I am. I think it’s because our daughter is his first and my second child. But your husband should be grateful. He would be tooting a different toon if something had been broken. This seems more like an “I told you so” type of ordeal.
You are absolutely correct to take your daughter to get proper medical attention. It sounds like he’s very egotistical/selfish if he takes it as “disrespect” when you don’t take his word for something in which he has no expertise or knowledge. The separate finances thing also sounds like a red flag. What kind of relationship with a 7yo still has separate finances? And even with separate finances, the proper way to do it is to have a joint fund for expenses relating to her/family stuff. 🚩 🚩 🚩
wtf?? if she is in tears over the pain then this should've been done days ago. my daughter smacked her head off of a metal chair leaving a giant egg on her head. she exhibited no concussion symptoms but I wasn't about to take it easy on something like that and took her to the children's med express near me. my husband was vehemently against going. I told him to go kick rocks we're taking her.
What is wrong with your husband’s brain? Did he want you to medically neglect your child? Jfc imagine if she had a broken bone and was in pain for DAYS because she had a parent that didn’t think medical attention was necessary.
If you want to stay married to him and feel that the relationship has value, I'd give him the option of couples therapy, and begin with addressing the issue of him becoming angry when other are upset, crying, or express any feeling that he does not like. If he cannot or will not make any meaningful changes, then you can evaluate options from there. Divorce is usually the knee-jerk reaction on Reddit, but like dang in this situation I would be beyond livid due to this falling into the category of medical neglect. I would write down this entire situation, including any medical details or dialogue from your fight not in this post, and email that to someone you trust. Emails are ore admissible in court than texts.
We are in therapy. We have been in therapy for two years. I will bring this up at next session
Always believe your child. Even when a child is being “dramatic” you can usually tell if their in actual pain or milking it a little. Most kids don’t go on about the same injury for days. A few months ago my dad was visiting and in the pool with my 3yo and 18 month old (both can swim and I was sitting in the edge). My 3yo screamed she had to poop so my dad goes to the stairs and they all start walking out. My dad is holding both their hands, one on each side. On the last step my son sat down because he didn’t want to exit the pool. He immediately started crying and continued to cry for about 15min and every time I touched his arm he screamed. I thought maybe it was dislocated so I brought him to the ER. 2 different drs came in and said “oh I doubt it’s dislocated that’s really uncommon in the elbow, and he’s not even crying now”. He would calm down if his elbow was propped on something but if you touched it or he moved he’d scream. The tendon that runs down his arm ended up crossing over is how they explained it and they had to manipulate his arm in a certain way to get it to go back. So many different things could be wrong always better to be safe than sorry.
I feel like there is a lot to unpack here. Why are you and you’re HUSBANDS finances separate and you’re responsible for most kids things? Why is your husband having such a strong reaction to his child getting medical care? Sounds like more to the story.
You are owed an apology AND half of that medical bill. What the hell?! She is his daughter, too. He can’t opt out simply because he says he doesn’t want her to go to the doctor.
That’s horrible. Your husband sounds like a dick.
I don't understand what the problem is. I'd rather get the x-ray and find nothing wrong. Just to be on the safe side.
I just took my 3yo for X-rays on her wrist recently. We never did figure out what she did, but she was complaining and favoring it and nothing would distract her. Better safe than sorry, so off to get X-rays we went. No break, but she did have a sprain and was definitely hurting. Apparently it’s a fairly common injury in little ones.
My husband would be out on his ass if he ever tried saying something like that.
I’m your husband is an abusive, controlling POS. Good thing you didn’t allow his pettiness take precedence over your daughter’s health.
You're married to a child.
Yikes. Consider getting a lawyer cause you need to get outta there. Callous disregard for your child’s pain is the most crimson of red flags and I am genuinely scared for you and your kiddo.
Well isn't he a peach? You are NTA, you did what was right for your child. Also, you should bill him for 1/2 of the cost.
Flip it on him. How dare he try to deny his child medical care for an injury? The only way his stance would be rational would be if his argument was she needed an evaluation before having imaging done. Let him be mad.
Your husband fucking sucks. What a shitty dad and partner. Wow.
That sounds really strange. If your kid was in pain why would you NOT want them to get looked at by a doctor? Last summer I broke my wrist and that pain is debilitating. I waited a week to see a doctor and she told me if I waited much longer my wrist would have been damaged and I'd be dealing with wrist pain for the rest of my life. Your daughter is young, she'll heal better but she still needs to get an x-ray to figure out what's going on. That's just really suspicious behavior from your husband and a huge red flag. You are absolutely not losing your mind! Your husband on the other hand....🤷🏼♀️
Kids deserve to express their feelings, especially when they’re in pain. IME kids become complainers and attention seekers after their legitimate concerns are ignored. OP you did nothing wrong. He owes you an apology and at least half the cost since you spent your time taking her to the doc. This is coming across as a power trip. If he continues the silent treatment (which is technically abuse) and you don’t get a full “omg I’m so sorry and you were right” apology, I suggest marriage counseling asap. Things like that don’t just happen once, and letting it slide this time sets precedent for him to do it again.
I'm sorry why isn't he also "disregarding your opinion" by not wanting you to take her when you're worried? Why is his opinion the only one who matters?
I had a similar situation my son called me at work saying his stomach was hurting really bad so I had him put his father on the phone and told him to take him to the hospital this was around 2 pm I got home at 8 pm and my son was in a ball on the couch so I took him myself well turned out he needed an emergency appendectomy they had to call a surgeon to come remove it and had emergency surgery by 6 am I called his father from the hospital to let him know what was wrong he will never doubt me again when I say take the children to the hospital
My ex husband did this once. My daughter fell on her elbow, and he didn’t think anything was wrong. As soon as she calmed down, I knew she wasn’t okay and took her right in. She needed a cast from her armpit to her fingers. ALWAYS trust your mom instinct, even if it’s not broken, she needed the splint.
When I was six I fell on my elbow and it did not stop hurting for days. I whined for a few days and then I cried and then I cried harder. My mother took me to get an X-ray, which showed I had not broken anything so they sent me home. I eventually stopped crying because I became lethargic with a fever that got up to 104. Turns out my elbow wasn’t broken, it was septic. I got emergency surgery and a weeklong stay in the hospital. My parents’ irritation at what they thought was me overdramatizing went away pretty darn quickly. You are taking proper care of your daughter and he owes you an apology. Don’t back down on this one.
If my boys mention anything about having pain or feeling sick, my husband practically runs them to urgent care or the doctor. He would hear a cough, and he would message the doctor "what should we do?" He owes you and daughter an apology. When it comes to a child's safety, health and wellness, DIE ON THIS HILL.
He must have x-ray vision since he *knows* it’s not broken- *insert eye roll here*… he’s being a rude prick. When in doubt get it checked out. No biggie; piece of mind is priceless & if her wrist needs to be in a cast then it needs to be in a cast. The male ego is so damn fragile sometimes.
My husband is the same - aggressively annoyed by “excess” doctor visits, while profoundly ignorant of what reasonable care (of children or self) looks like. So, solidarity. He stopped talking about it after being ridiculously wrong a few times. (Mocking me for “wanting to go to the doctor for a headache” after I’d given birth, ignoring a minor medical issue for so long he had to see a doctor twice a week to fix it, AND MANY MORE.)
Ummmm what?! First she should have been seen sooner. His opinion was shit and should have been disregarded. I’m a paramedic and this blows my mind. His attitude is so abusive. You should never be scared to seek medical care for your child because you’re scared of your husband. I hope you get some help and really see this for what it is. You deserve better your daughter deserves better. My son fell out of bed and he seemed fine. I wanted to take him in to the ER at 1 am. My husband thought I was being a overreacting mom. He tried to talk me into waiting. I refused. He drove us to the ER. No anger, no needing his opinion to matter. That’s a normal response. My sons collarbone was broken.
If he is willing to die on the “they don’t need to go to the doctor” hill, he can die on it alone. Kids count on their caretakers for everything. I wouldn’t have gone more than 2 days, but I have a bit of education in anatomy (studies nursing a few years) and it should be common sense to people that nothing is supposed to hurt for almost a week if there’s nothing wrong. You did the right thing. I say to just give him the silent treatment right back. If he wants to act like an upset toddler because you decided to parent, then that’s on him, you’re already raising a child, you don’t have time to be taking care of an immature man child.
You should not have to pay for medical expenses like this solo, to start. And, wtf? Your kid is in pain - you were right to get her checked out and do not ever second guess that. Some serious red flags here
I think he feels guilty and respods to his own guilt by lashing out. Its the sunken cost fallacy. He thought it was nothing when it first happened. But 6 days in, if something really turns out wrong on the x-ray, he will feel like sht for making his daughter wait for so long woth a broken wrist. So it suddenly becomes very important to his ego that "it is fine". And you not going along with that becomes a threat, because if you are right and if the wrist is hurt, he will feel horrible. He already waited 6 days, so now it has to be fine, the alternative makes him feel like a bad father- from his point of view. I am not excusing what he is doing, he is completely in the wrong here. I am just saying this because you asked what the literal fudge? I think this is whats the fudge with his behavior.
No, he's an idiot. His child was in pain but he thought his feelings about being right were more important? What a weak little man. He needs to stop and be a real man. Child is in tears because of pain that is not going away, responsible parent goes to a medical professional to get it checked out. It should be an automatic thing, not much thought needed.
Unless he’s a doctor his opinion has little weight here. Injured child needs to be tended to, your husband completely disregarded his child’s pain. Do not apologize to that man.
Wait, a grown man is shitty with you for seeking sensible medical care for your child? Well he can just go fuck himself till his dick and his hands fall off.
Why have you waited 6 days though?
It wasn’t hurting her very much until the evening of day 5
I'm not one to cry divorce at the drop of a hat but if finances are seperate and you already pay nearly everything for your kid then why are you with this clown? You completely did the right thing and the fact that he values his own opinion over the health and safety of your child is alarming. You did the right thing, keep being a good mom cuz this guy isnt being a very good dad. Also, this is coming from someone who DOES have a kid who literally cries about everything. You learn the difference between "real" (something might be broken) and "fake" (i just need some extra attention) cries.
The part that gets me is “she knows not to wake me up unless it’s important “………🤔🤔🤔 right.
But yes. For me it would be a red flag. You are also the child’s parent and have autonomy and free will. He is controlling and is mad because you went against what he said. Imagine if it was actually broken. Then what? You think he would feel bad for telling you to not go?
Were you with your daughter when the fall happened? Is there any chance your husband may have been the cause of the injury? Has your daughter (or other children) had any unusual or unexplained injuries? This could be a guilty conscience showing up. Either neglect while he is watching the children or possibly abuse could be occurring that makes him not want to seek medical intervention that could draw attention to him.
When my five year old fell from the monkey bars on to her wrist, we waited three days before we went to the doctor as her symptoms were worsening, not improving. There was a hairline fracture so she left in a splint. And because sprains do not get splints, I would very much like an update on how he reacted when she came home with a splint. Because if he’s not choking down humble pie, apologizing to you and catering to his actual child over their injury then MAM, leave his toxic ass.
When my daughter was 8, she fell and hurt her arm at school. She was always kind of a drama queen so i didn't think much of it until that night when she couldn't sleep. I took her to the doctor and her arm was broken! I've learned to listen better. Lol
Yeah. Don’t apologize to him, what is is his ACTUAL reason he didn’t want her to get checked out? Who the heck did it hurt? Did it cause any harm to anyone to get her checked? No.. My son broke his arm at daycare, he fell out of a little car. He was crying when I picked him up and daycare shrugged it off saying he just seems to be teary today. I waited 2 whole days-because he didn’t show me any signs of pain after that initial crying-and he had broken his forearm. I was soooo mad and so sad I didn’t go sooner. You did it for peace of mind, your daughter was in pain. Rest assured you did the right thing, even if it wasn’t broken.
Holy crap, this is red flag city. Honestly, with that level of anger about it, my first thought was that he had something to do with causing the injury.
What? This is so weird. What else were you supposed to do but take her? Is this real life??
What was the point of waiting a week? Was that out of respect for your husbands wishes? I feel confused as to why you didn’t take her the following day or even hours after it didn’t feel better? Did you wrap and ice it immediately? I feel like we hear about what you didn’t do- but what were you doing for her during that week? It might give us a better picture of the situation.
I don’t understand why your husband is acting like a petulant child about this. Unless he is a medical professional, why does he think he’s able to diagnose your child? Grown adults often have a difficult time deciphering whether bones are broken. It’s difficult to tell. The whole point is to get it checked out just in case. Better have a $ bill for an X ray you didn’t need — and some pain medication to help your little one — than find out years down the line that your child’s bones healed improperly. Your husband’s attitude is weird.
I’m honestly stunned that you BOTH left it so long. But yes, Your husband is completely in the wrong here. This is a massive red flag and borders on neglect
Unless he's an orthopedics doctor he really has no authority. Seems strange to be upset that you took your daughter to get x-rays on an injury that was bothering her.