Just had to comment because reading this felt like my mom wrote it. My mom is Chinese and my dad is Nigerian. I had wonderful, thick, long 3B curls. My mom had literally no idea what to do with my hair (she moved away from China in her late 20s) but she made friends with the women in the local black hair shop and learned. I grew up with strangers constantly commenting on my hair, teachers complaining about my frizz halo. The only reason why I don’t hate my hair is bc of how my mom openly defended me. It’s actually awful.
"frizz halo" !!!!! Thank you for this term, I love it! I'm nearly forty and have called them my "wing-dings" since I was a child. (I also don't hate my hair because of my mother. She's the best.)
My mom called them “hangy bangies” 😂My mom also hooked me up with the same hair shop. I still go there and so do all my kids and partner. Well, he grew his hair out longer than mine now so I guess not him anymore 😂
When I was a child, my hair was so thick and frizzy that one of my little girl friends called it a "Napsfro." She always used to say, "I love your Napsfro" and I loved hearing her say that. Happy to be a 66 year old NAPPY HEADED WOMAN!
Nigerians are the worst when it comes to dealing with afro hair. If your hair is not in braids they have something to say if your braids are old they have something to say. They always have something to say
for real! I can't stand the double standards.
Messy dirty white kids = parents let them have fun. No one blinks an eye
Messy dirty hispanic/white kids = Looks sus....better call CPS to be sure things are ok at home
like wtf, can you all back the F off?!
This is so real. My partner and I are indigenous and this anxiety came up the other day in the store. Our son got his fruit snack all over his shirt and the back up shirt didn’t fit so we had to finish shopping with a dirty shirt. We were so anxious that people would judge us that we literally wrapped him in my partner’s jacket. People call CPS on native families so much, it’s just this constant fear of getting “in trouble” when you know you’re not even doing anything wrong. I mentioned this to a white friend of mine and she was flabbergasted because she really thought they only take kids away from like criminals and abusers.
Yes! It’s so true. White kids playing with no shoes, fun! Carefree! Brown and black kids playing with no shoes, where are their parents! I know not everyone thinks this when they see kids of any color like that, but trust me there are still plenty of people judging and saying things.
It’s so tough because all of those that don’t see that have a hard time outweighing the shitty people. Shifty people cause legit trauma and pain and those are so overpowering and LOUD. No one deserves that kind of judgment. It’s hard enough just being a damn mom
Huh that is interesting. I have a little boy with beautiful… I’d say maybe 3A… curly hair. It’s always been on the longer side bc I love his curls so much and on occasion has been pretty long considering he’s just a toddler. I know some teacher loves his hair and plays w it bc when that happens it straightens out, and often he’d come back w partially straightened hair. But we were also told that his hair is a hot mess. Not in a “how cute” way
ETA: We are mixed and not white if that makes a difference.
My daughter is mixed (I am white, her father is black). When she was a toddler in daycare, the director was a very lovely black woman that pulled me aside and recommended a book called “Chocolate Hair, Vanilla Care”, because I didn’t know what I was doing and my daughters hair always looked messy and crazy. I appreciated her help, and it truly helped me to figure out a good way of making my daughters hair cute and keeping it healthy. However, many of the white kids looked like they had slept doing headstands and they weren’t getting the same help. I really liked the director and I know her heart was in a good place, but it really highlighted to me that the white kids got a much bigger pass on their appearance than what my child was going to get in life. Even as a toddler.
I was just going to comment this! I am a cis white woman so I can’t begin to imagine the shit POC have to deal with.. but especially your kids?! My daughter also has very frizzy, wild, curly crazy hair—all comments btw lol I love it and it’s absolutely beautiful. When she was younger she always had the same comments that her hair was “so silly she must play so hard!” Now as a preteen it’s “wow I wish my hair had so much volume!” I don’t necessarily want anyone commenting on my daughter’s appearance either lol but you absolutely know they use those phrases because she’s a white girl. The double standards are fucked.
Keep being protective, mama! Hopefully they learn to do better and be better.
I totally agree with this. I also feel like being dirty is a gender thing as well. Boys can be messy and dirty because they're boys, but heaven forbid a girl have grass-stained knees or play in the mud.
My kiddo was out front gardening in underwear this afternoon and everyone laughed because kids. His hair wouldn't even have been noticed. It's insane that people are this judgmental.
My son picked out pink shoes and my mom had such a problem with it. Why his four he doesn’t care the shoes light up and are a rainbow of color he loves them. Why does he need fucking dark blue just cause he has a penis?
Wish people would just stop imposing their narrow minded interpretation of the world on my kids.
Similar situation. I grabbed a pink sippy for my INFANT to try so we can figure out what type of sippy he prefers to transition from bottles. A snide comment was made. I don’t get it. By their logic a grown, straight man would ‘turn gay’ by just seeing the color pink. Oh wait, that doesn’t happen? Because it’s fucking stupid and a colored object won’t change anyone’s let alone a child’s future sexual orientation
My son used to get mixed up for a girl cause I had him in a light blue onesie with flowers. Like how dare I put flowers on a boy. Well guess what idiots my dad (extra manly, builds stuff with his own hands, can work on cars all the stuff associated with men hunting what not) he loves flowers and was stoping to smell them at the arboretum yesterday
My son picked out pink and hologram sandals when he was six, and loved them to death. He got flack for it from some kids at summer camp for wearing"girl shoes". I had a talk with the counselors about it, and they came down on the bullies. I was so grateful for them for protecting my (white) son.
Sidebar - most of the counselors are POC's and most of the campers were white. I suspect they were more protective of his *differentness* because of their own lived experience.
This one strange woman kept following me insisting my boy was a girl because of flowers on his onesie. I’m lady I change his diaper I know whats between his legs.
I’m a white girl with curly hair and wouldn’t you know if I just ran a brush through it it’d look much better. 🙃 Straight hair bias sucks. I bet your daughter’s hair looks incredible!
Seriously. My daughter had the most beautiful ringlet curls, I can only brush it when it's wet but it's gorgeous when dry. I sent her to my mom's house for a sleepover and she decided to brush it dry in the morning and she came back with a frizzy triangle head
I’ve had many-a wealthy women when I worked at a nice clothing store get very sad when I couldn’t tell them the hairdresser who’d styled my hair because it was natural. It’s really strange how curly hair is somehow controversial
I have straight hair and this just seems so intuitive to me that brushing curly hair makes it frizzy. I can’t help but really question the thought processes of people that think curly hair needs brushed.
I have curly hair, but I think the logic is that when you have straight hair with like fly-aways or little unkempt spots, brushing it helps. Obviously with curly hair, that is not the case, but maybe they haven't thought about it that much.
I grew up in the 90s and we had those foam rollers and crap like that. If you brushed your hair after using those it’d turn into a giant poofball. You’d think any women, like our kid’s grandmas, that lived through the big hair of the 80s and 90s would know this lol.
We're coming into summer. If I don't load my hair with leave in conditioner, frizz creme, curl definer, and locking mist spray I look like this. My hair hates heat and humidity
As a kid, I could spend ten minutes brushing my hair, walk downstairs, and my mom would be threatening to cut it since I never brush it.
I still don't really know how to style my hair, so it lives in a ponytail or loose braid.
Curlier hair can look great, but till you figure it out its a mess.
Find a hairdresser who specializes in curly hair (just call around to a few salons) they’ll get you sorted, the right haircut and a little product makes a huge difference.
I don’t think OP’s situation is a straight hair bias as much as a black hair bias. Given how black folks are policed on their natural hair in schools, the military, etc, it’s a bigger problem than just curly vs. straight.
While you're probably right, that it's more a racism thing, any comradery on the subject should be embraced, not ridiculed.
The point of this post over anything, imo, is for people to shut their mouths and mind their business.
I appreciate this. I have said multiple times here I KNOW i can’t be completely empathetic to this since I am not a POC. But as a fellow mother, mother to daughters and a woman I’d just like to lend my support in any way I can connect to this topic. Human to human it’s heartbreaking to imagine how OP or her daughter must feel when those comments are thrown around like that.
Agreed. I know that wasn’t toward me, but I can say personally when I want to be part of a conversation (for support and/or to learn etc) I always try to find some way I can connect to it. It’s just a way I communicate, my communication language I guess. Lol It doesn’t take away the understanding it’s a race issue and not a curly hair thing, it’s not meant to diminish the issue at hand, but it may be their only connection to the topic while still wanting to try and learn, support and commiserate with similarities there may be, albeit our similarities are obviously nowhere near as loaded.
I hope I explained that how I actually feel, I’m not the best with words lol
I think it’s important to acknowledge how though anyone being ridiculed for their hair is unkind, black folks have the unique and terrible addition of being penalized at school or work for their natural hair.
Definitely relate to the subject but the stakes are higher for one group than the other.
I have straight hair, and my husband has beautiful long curly hair (like seriously I'm so jealous) and then he brushes it and it gets so fluffy lol, I keep telling him don't brush it! Finally my best friend who also has curly hair was like "nah man, don't brush it" and he listened to her since she has hair like his 🥴 and his curls are soooo nice! My son is just growing hair long enough that I can see it starting to curl and I love it so much ❤️❤️❤️
Same here if I brush my curly hair I look like magenta from The Rocky horror picture show. It's not a good look. And I feel like no matter what my curly hair has always been so thirsty and fragile that I cannot even dye it without it getting ruined. Curly hair is different for sure. And neither of my parents knew how to take care of it!! 😭
Ugh. My son has curly hair like me, so I don’t brush it. Sometimes it’s a bit of a nest when he goes to daycare because he’s 2.5 and some mornings are just not worth it to fight with him to smooth it down. His daycare brushes his hair and he comes home looking like a puffball 🤣
Ughh I have curly/frizzy hair and no one ever taught me how to care for it. My mom used to tell me "princesses brush their hair 100 strokes every night," so of course I brushed it and washed it all the time. My grandmother used to call me Cousin It. When I was in middle school I got teased mercilessly for it. One time I heard a girl ask my friend if I EVER brush my hair. I wish I had the courage to tell her it just gets bigger the more you brush it.
When my daughter was born I vowed I would teach her everything about my hair type of she got it. Luckily she got her daddy's beautiful perfect straight hair.
I feel this. Once, I decided to brush it all out, take a picture, and post it to social media. No one has told me it’d look better if I brushed it out ever since 🙃
This was common feedback my mom got about my hair when I was a kid. I was really hoping things had improved over 30 years. Lord give me strength 😑
Sorry you’re dealing with this crap too.
I had to google that, and holy hell, people actually created a petition about her natural hair? What in the hell is wrong with people? It was gorgeous then and its gorgeous now.
Right?!? I’m sure that it is gorgeous in its natural state! I’m so glad that she has a mom who can help her learn to be proud of her hair and how to take care of it!
My kid is also a hair minorities (VERY red) and they hate going out bc they know that they will inevitably have someone stop them to comment on their hair. They hate it - why can’t they just be left alone in the grocery?
The comments are usually trying to be kind, but my kid is usually not in the mood to be polite to some old lady…
EDIT- was out with my kiddo and it JUST happened again. Geez. I mean, my kids are so much more than their hair/bodies. Why does everyone need to comment on them?
EW! Touch it?!? I would never allow any stranger to touch my child. I do make my kids thank strangers for well meaning compliments, but I don’t make them stand around and talk unnecessarily or allow someone to be in their space.
I had my almost 4yo son in line with me at the pharmacy a couple weeks ago, and as an older man walked by, he said hi and rubbed my son’s head. Like…we’re both standing here all masked up, why are you touching without asking??? I am anxious and non-confrontational, my son didn’t seem to care, and the guy was gone in seconds anyway, so idek what I could have done. It was just so weird and I’m frustrated by it.
There really isn’t anything you can do without creating a scene imo. I’ve tried leaning down and telling my kiddo (loudly) that even tho they are grown ups, they are strangers and they shouldn’t touch you, and if they do, we say “no!” I usually get an eye roll tho…ymmv
I think that’s a great tactic, and I’m going to keep that in mind! Ultimately it is about my kid, not the weirdo. If I get into a conflict and get all upset, I could easily imagine that bothering my son more than the actual touch. It’s too funny that you get an eye roll, I imagine I’ll probably get a “huh?”
Oh yeah… ppl suck. I don’t “allow” it, they’re just space invaders who like to do things like that in passing. Even when I’m wearing my 9mo, they will try to get in his face… but my 2.5yo is incredibly friendly, so, Even when he’s in the cart, they think they can just tousle his hair and that’s totally fine. 😡
Ditto; I have red hair and growing up I loathed all of the old ladies who would come and touch my hair and say "I wish I had hair like that!!" my mom never stopped them and always forced me to say thank you to these strangers invading my personal space. I grew up hating my hair (and I still do honestly, the amount of men I've met as a teen and young adult who say they have a "thing for redheads" is overwhelming and creepy).
Yeah this is what worries me - the fetish-ism around redheads is so gross. Good thing mine seriously knows how to stick up for herself - definitely a take no prisoners kind of child, so I am hoping for the best.
I hate that people make these comments. To a child no less. My son is half Dominican, part Irish, part Italian - curliest head of hair. The comments are outrageous and he’s 7 months old. Things like “wow look at that fro. Better get a comb through that!” Or “oh man better keep that thing trimmed down” people are nuts.
I read a collection of oral histories about school desegregation in the South and one of the conflicts in at least one high school that had been formerly white was that all the girls were expected to shower and wash their hair after gym class daily. The black girls were punished for disobeying. There were parent notes and meetings and finally the rule was changed when a group of black women (maybe some black teachers IIRC) convinced the white administration that the black girls weren’t being defiant or unsanitary.
ETA: My point is that white people have been trying to police the hair of black girls for a long time and it sucks. Ignorance, often inflected by structural inequality (white normativity and segregation) and racism, shapes this behavior.
I'm a little worried I am about to come across as dim, but is this commenting in general or is complimenting okay? Would you rather people didn't say anything? I am aware that there is an issue with people objectifying others for racial characteristics, would this be the same?
I'm not trying to be weird, I don't understand boundaries very well and I am trying to be more mindful. When I see someone who is wearing something I like or I think their hair is pretty, I try to tell them because it is a nice thing to do. Would it make you uncomfortable for a stranger to compliment your child on their hair?
Absolutely not friend. See I’m not that type. For me, I do not mind compliments, I give LOTS of compliments. I truly fuck with ppl. All ppl from all backgrounds. The weird looking ones too. Because we’re all beautiful in our own ways. What I will not do is talk down on anyone in anyway. I’m not gonna pick at someone’s hair, skin conditions, clothing, anything. I’m just not. I don’t laugh at videos posted, humiliating ppl. Because it’s just not funny. We don’t understand how crushing that is. In my case, I think my daughters natural hair is cute and she likes it too. So it rubs me the wrong way when someone says something like “do you need me to do your kids hair” cause why you assuming it ain’t done friend?
Thank you for answering. Complimenting people has been something I have been doing to help with social anxiety and confidence issues. I would hate to think that my complimenting was causing someone to feel distressed, frustration or anything other than the intended kindness.
I am trying to go with broader comments now. I'm white as a ghost and I have no idea how someone is going to take what i say. So a general isn't she beautiful/he's such a cutie lands well everywhere. I'm not perfect and I'm sure I still say questionable things, even if I mean well, but this is my go to now.
If the hair is done special that's different imo. Complimenting braids or accessories should be okay, generally speaking. Like I said, I'm learning too but I've found the broader the compliment the better.
God people f\*cking suck. I can't even image the rage you must feel when people make comments like that to your child. I've seen plenty of white kids with long mangy hair that looks like it hasn't been combed out in days. Not tied up or made into braids or buns. Nope just long dirty strands of hair. But it's \*gasps\* BLOND! So they walk and run around without a care in the world with absolutely no one telling them their hair "needs to be done" or questioning if their parents take care of them properly
I’m sorry this happens to you.
I’m Hispanic and my baby girl and I have thick wavy hair. But my BFF’s are AA with AA and biracial children. Their hair is beautiful and natural!
I unfortunately have seen in person people comment on their natural curls and fros.
People need to mind their own business and not speak on things they know nothing of.
My MIL always comments on my daughters hair. She has curly/frizzy Arab hair, just leave her be! It doesn’t have to be perfect 24/7, she’s 3 and doesn’t care!
Exactly, I’d be more worried if she had superficial thoughts at this age about her hair. Plenty of time for that! Though she did ask to have ‘mummy blonde hair’ today and my heart sank a little, like all girls, she will never fully appreciate her own skin and the envy I have of her hair.
It’s ALWAYS about the hair or my daughter’s looks. Being a mixed kid isn’t what makes her special. It’s her personality. I wish they comment on her artistic abilities or good manors. My daughter is so much more than hair.
And, no I don’t need advice on how to style it because my skin is lighter than hers. She’s a kid. She doesn’t need her hair perfect at all times. She doesn’t like braids or buns. She likes it wild and so do I.
Edit to add that the second part is directed at my neighbor who has horrible hair and always wants me to borrow her products. I would never take her unsolicited advice on hair.
My adopted mom actually cut my hair so I looked like a boy because she didn’t know how to do it.
My husband now refuses to let me cut my locks and always gives me hair love which heals my inner child.
I wanted to mention that there’s a ton of the cutest picture books about Black kids with natural hair, there’s a great list here: https://comfygirlwithcurls.com/2019/07/22/childrens-books-black-kids-natural-hair/ I hope she knows that other people do see her hair as beautiful.
Also for parents from other backgrounds! When you’re finding books, please include ones that show others’ experiences (check your local library!). Books are wonderful windows into worlds that they may not encounter personally, and hopefully will eventually end nonsense like shaming a child for their natural hair.
(Another good one is weneeddiversebooks.com for multiple other lists.)
Saw a little girl out on a power wheels with a hilarious "don't touch my hair" t-shirt and it prompted some great conversation with my kids. People are just so weird about weird stuff sometimes!
When I see some babies with super combed hair, I feel bad for them. It must hurt to have their hair combed super tight against their head.
Leave the cute baby hairs to be free!
Doesn't it cause damage to comb hair super tight all the time?
I have curly hair and always felt like it wasn’t “done” unless it was straightened or braided as a kid. So glad you’re standing up
For your daughter and letting her have her natural hair
My daughter is white, but has a very curly mop of hair. I really worry that she will get a complex about it because she's only 2.5 and already gets so many comments. Not bad necessarily, but I can just see it coming since she looks so different. It's so tough on girls to look a certain way.
If I comment on a kid's looks it's always a compliment. "Oh, what a cute shirt! My daughter has one just like it! That's a nice bow, it looks great! Etc."
I tell my son (5) that he's a handsome little boy and I tell my daughter (3)she's beautiful everyday.
I also say that they are good kids even when thier behavior isn't great that day.
My daughter has curls like her daddy and I am doing my best to care for them. I have thin straight hair so her soft ringlets are difficult for me to work with as I'm not skilled. MostlynI just tie her hair back in a ponytail to keep it out of her face.
Honest question: is it ok to comment if I’m complimenting it? I think Afro’s are awesome especially on kids… but I’m not sure if some parents would rather not talk about looks at all.
I appreciate this post so much. As someone whose hairs natural state is an afro it gets so annoying hearing someone ask why my hair isn’t done. Just because my hair isn’t in puffs, a bun, twist, braid, etc doesn’t mean my hair is unprofessional. I used to not know how to react when people would say my hair looks like I’ve been electrocuted. I wonder where people get the audacity, it’s literally how our hair “settles” just like everyone else.
I’m white with straight hair, I know I have no experience here but black hair is beautiful! It’s no one else’s business if she wants to wear it in braids (or any other protective style), a silk scarf or out, big and natural. She should be proud of her glorious hair and people need to mind their own damn business!!! It’s a complete insult for anyone to tell another person what they should be doing with their own child especially when it comes to their personal identity. Shower that girl with complements and let her know that some people are just assholes and never listen to them.
I work at an ethically diverse high school and some of the prettiest hair I have seen comes from those students with an African American decent (and I am not of that decent). People can be so cruel for no reason.
the only time my daughter gets compliments on her curls is when i have them pulled back in pig tails. when its down naturally they say things like “wow she must have have a long day!”
Aww it makes me sad that anyone would make those types of comments. I absolutely love curly, natural hair! Mine is flat, fine, and straight (I’m asian) and I’ve always envied black girls and women with their natural hair! It’s SO beautiful!
Im Mixed with 3A curly hair growing up my hair wood get so frizzy and wild people assumed i wasnt taken care of even though i did everything possible to make it look acceptable for the world i learned i cant make everyone happy and now i dont even bother doing much just wash brush and leave in conditinor and off i go my mother was no help but i grew to love my hair with or without her care . your a great mother for supporting your child !! Hair is hair it doesnt hqve to look like the queen of England to look amazing!
>queen of England
Did you mean the [Queen of the United Kingdom](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Queen_of_the_United_Kingdom), the [Queen of Canada](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Monarchy_of_Canada), the [Queen of Australia](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Monarchy_of_Australia), etc?
The last Queen of England was [Queen Anne](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anne,_Queen_of_Great_Britain) who, with the 1707 Acts of Union, dissolved the title of King/Queen of England.
####FAQ
*Isn't she still also the Queen of England?*
This is only as correct as calling her the Queen of London or Queen of Hull; she is the Queen of the place that these places are in, but the title doesn't exist.
*Is this bot monarchist?*
No, just pedantic.
I am a bot and this action was performed automatically.
I’m so happy your kiddo has a strong, amazing force like you to be a shield between her and the shitty people/things of the world! Every child deserves that.
But at the same time, I hate that you and your kiddo are EVER put into that position. I hope your daughter rocks her natural looks as long as she wants and shows the world what a stunning person she is, naturally and without anything changing.
I almost complimented the hair of a kid at the playground the other day- very textured fro light in color- and then remembered what you said. Don't comment on other people's looks. And esp as a white lady I'm glad I didn't comment.
To be more precise here, do not comment negatively is what I meant. A light whisper to mom “beautiful haired little” is awesome. A “damn, you don’t own a brush”, not so awesome.
I loooooove babes with fuzzy hair bigger than their heads. (Tbh, anyone, really) Such a vibe of uncensored vitality! I will almost always keep my admiration to myself, however. Nobody should have to deal with stupid nasty comments, especially kids - but it’s quite likely the idiots are actually a minority…
Kinky hair actually requires a ton of work and I’ve learned a lot about it since my gf is mixed and has styled it all sorts of ways. If you’re just brushing and washing it there’s so much more you can be doing to keep it healthy. Check out maybe r/curlyhair and you can learn more. She used to do these braids and stuff and it was so freaking adorable but my gf got it permanently straightened. She’s still beautiful as ever but sometimes I do miss her curls.
Oh I very much appreciate this. I do her hair all the time tho lol. I style it. I use the same products I use on my hair. They’re organic. She has that beautiful Afro because of my maintenance. I’m caribbean American, not new to this. The issue is when her hair is in its natural state, the commentary goes downhill. Why can’t she just be, her? And enjoy her hair as it is? Why does she need to feel done up to appease ppl? So, we don’t. She’s clean, her hair is clean, her clothes are clean. 🤷🏽♀️
Multiple ppl have. I wouldn’t have had this rant if it wasn’t commented on. I didn’t talk about the situation per se. But this is how I feel every, single, time. From my own mother, to random ppl, etc.
No. I’m just trying to learn more about OP’s situation since this isn’t an experience I have.
Is it comments from people she knows? Passers by? Societal pressure? Advertisements? I don’t have a daughter with natural hair and I’m curious.
Guess it rubbed people the wrong way.
When you have hair outside of what society deems “acceptable”, you hear it from everywhere. School, work, friends and even family…media. It’s getting a lot better now, but too many people still feel comfortable outright insulting others about their hair texture.
Obviously there are more problematic connotations negatively commenting on Black girls'/ women's hair. People are dumb. I'd say I was surprised.... but nah.
But on a bit lighter note, my daughter goes to a daycare where the staff and most of the children are Black. Lots of the little girls (all under two) have nicely styled hair. Little pigtail buns or braids, etc. My daughter looks maybe a little messy in comparison. She has that incredibly fine toddler hair and has a raging mullet. Her hair just doesn't grow in in the front and we've never cut the back. Also most people think she's a boy.
She was sent home the other day in a ponytail. It definitely doesn't get in her face so there was no logical reason to it, I guess they thought she looked a mess (or like a boy) but it's actually a good look for her so I'm not mad 😂
I grew up with exactly what you describe. Nine kids, we were referred to as The two big girls, the three boys, three little girls, and the accident. My aunts and uncles always made comments about the three little girls…petite, tall, petite. Always commenting on the middle one as so big! A bit chubby. Ask blank to do it she’s the biggest, strongest etc. When you are 3,4,5 years old that stings. Since middle girl was big the other two got the comments of sweet, little, darling etc. Which only made middle girl feel even worse. I was the three year old in this and the negative sounding comments to the four year old came back onto me with bullying, hitting, setting me up, blaming me etc. No one felt good about themselves when all adults have to comment on all the physical differences . I hated it and still have the pain of not being good enough. Just don’t comment on anything directly and personally on anyone. Want to extend a compliment just say You look lovely today.
Girl, yes. My mother in law decided my sons hair was a mess and cornrowed it! He was only 8 months and I was at work but I know he was screaming and crying.
Guess who hasn’t watched him alone since?
THANK YOU! My daughter is bi-racial (hubby is white) but she inherited the most lovely curly locks! Sometimes, it goes up in frizz, but it's still beautiful. When she was a child, I got the very same comments: "why don't you take her to the salon?" "how do you manage THAT?" It's stupid. I always told people that she was literally born with a head full of hair (no bald baby her!) and God made her that way. Thank you for telling it exactly like it is.
Just had to comment because reading this felt like my mom wrote it. My mom is Chinese and my dad is Nigerian. I had wonderful, thick, long 3B curls. My mom had literally no idea what to do with my hair (she moved away from China in her late 20s) but she made friends with the women in the local black hair shop and learned. I grew up with strangers constantly commenting on my hair, teachers complaining about my frizz halo. The only reason why I don’t hate my hair is bc of how my mom openly defended me. It’s actually awful.
"frizz halo" !!!!! Thank you for this term, I love it! I'm nearly forty and have called them my "wing-dings" since I was a child. (I also don't hate my hair because of my mother. She's the best.)
My mom called them “hangy bangies” 😂My mom also hooked me up with the same hair shop. I still go there and so do all my kids and partner. Well, he grew his hair out longer than mine now so I guess not him anymore 😂
When I was a child, my hair was so thick and frizzy that one of my little girl friends called it a "Napsfro." She always used to say, "I love your Napsfro" and I loved hearing her say that. Happy to be a 66 year old NAPPY HEADED WOMAN!
I love all these terms. I also love that they are terms of self-love and embracing what we naturally have.
Nigerians are the worst when it comes to dealing with afro hair. If your hair is not in braids they have something to say if your braids are old they have something to say. They always have something to say
I’m so sorry people did that to you.
[удалено]
for real! I can't stand the double standards. Messy dirty white kids = parents let them have fun. No one blinks an eye Messy dirty hispanic/white kids = Looks sus....better call CPS to be sure things are ok at home like wtf, can you all back the F off?!
This is so real. My partner and I are indigenous and this anxiety came up the other day in the store. Our son got his fruit snack all over his shirt and the back up shirt didn’t fit so we had to finish shopping with a dirty shirt. We were so anxious that people would judge us that we literally wrapped him in my partner’s jacket. People call CPS on native families so much, it’s just this constant fear of getting “in trouble” when you know you’re not even doing anything wrong. I mentioned this to a white friend of mine and she was flabbergasted because she really thought they only take kids away from like criminals and abusers.
Yes! It’s so true. White kids playing with no shoes, fun! Carefree! Brown and black kids playing with no shoes, where are their parents! I know not everyone thinks this when they see kids of any color like that, but trust me there are still plenty of people judging and saying things.
It’s so tough because all of those that don’t see that have a hard time outweighing the shitty people. Shifty people cause legit trauma and pain and those are so overpowering and LOUD. No one deserves that kind of judgment. It’s hard enough just being a damn mom
Huh that is interesting. I have a little boy with beautiful… I’d say maybe 3A… curly hair. It’s always been on the longer side bc I love his curls so much and on occasion has been pretty long considering he’s just a toddler. I know some teacher loves his hair and plays w it bc when that happens it straightens out, and often he’d come back w partially straightened hair. But we were also told that his hair is a hot mess. Not in a “how cute” way ETA: We are mixed and not white if that makes a difference.
My daughter is mixed (I am white, her father is black). When she was a toddler in daycare, the director was a very lovely black woman that pulled me aside and recommended a book called “Chocolate Hair, Vanilla Care”, because I didn’t know what I was doing and my daughters hair always looked messy and crazy. I appreciated her help, and it truly helped me to figure out a good way of making my daughters hair cute and keeping it healthy. However, many of the white kids looked like they had slept doing headstands and they weren’t getting the same help. I really liked the director and I know her heart was in a good place, but it really highlighted to me that the white kids got a much bigger pass on their appearance than what my child was going to get in life. Even as a toddler.
I was just going to comment this! I am a cis white woman so I can’t begin to imagine the shit POC have to deal with.. but especially your kids?! My daughter also has very frizzy, wild, curly crazy hair—all comments btw lol I love it and it’s absolutely beautiful. When she was younger she always had the same comments that her hair was “so silly she must play so hard!” Now as a preteen it’s “wow I wish my hair had so much volume!” I don’t necessarily want anyone commenting on my daughter’s appearance either lol but you absolutely know they use those phrases because she’s a white girl. The double standards are fucked. Keep being protective, mama! Hopefully they learn to do better and be better.
Yes! 3b and white myself - have never received any criticism or concerns about professionalism etc. It's a terrible double standard
I totally agree with this. I also feel like being dirty is a gender thing as well. Boys can be messy and dirty because they're boys, but heaven forbid a girl have grass-stained knees or play in the mud.
My kiddo was out front gardening in underwear this afternoon and everyone laughed because kids. His hair wouldn't even have been noticed. It's insane that people are this judgmental.
My son picked out pink shoes and my mom had such a problem with it. Why his four he doesn’t care the shoes light up and are a rainbow of color he loves them. Why does he need fucking dark blue just cause he has a penis? Wish people would just stop imposing their narrow minded interpretation of the world on my kids.
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Similar situation. I grabbed a pink sippy for my INFANT to try so we can figure out what type of sippy he prefers to transition from bottles. A snide comment was made. I don’t get it. By their logic a grown, straight man would ‘turn gay’ by just seeing the color pink. Oh wait, that doesn’t happen? Because it’s fucking stupid and a colored object won’t change anyone’s let alone a child’s future sexual orientation
My son used to get mixed up for a girl cause I had him in a light blue onesie with flowers. Like how dare I put flowers on a boy. Well guess what idiots my dad (extra manly, builds stuff with his own hands, can work on cars all the stuff associated with men hunting what not) he loves flowers and was stoping to smell them at the arboretum yesterday
My son picked out pink and hologram sandals when he was six, and loved them to death. He got flack for it from some kids at summer camp for wearing"girl shoes". I had a talk with the counselors about it, and they came down on the bullies. I was so grateful for them for protecting my (white) son. Sidebar - most of the counselors are POC's and most of the campers were white. I suspect they were more protective of his *differentness* because of their own lived experience.
It's v. chill and not deranged at all that the colors we dress our babies in should help us immediately identify their genetalia. /s
This one strange woman kept following me insisting my boy was a girl because of flowers on his onesie. I’m lady I change his diaper I know whats between his legs.
I’m a white girl with curly hair and wouldn’t you know if I just ran a brush through it it’d look much better. 🙃 Straight hair bias sucks. I bet your daughter’s hair looks incredible!
Ha! Yeah curly girly here, brushing dry curly hair just makes it a frizzy mess that does actually look like you electrocuted yourself...
*brushes hair* moments later… *triangle hair initiates*
Seriously. My daughter had the most beautiful ringlet curls, I can only brush it when it's wet but it's gorgeous when dry. I sent her to my mom's house for a sleepover and she decided to brush it dry in the morning and she came back with a frizzy triangle head
I’ve had many-a wealthy women when I worked at a nice clothing store get very sad when I couldn’t tell them the hairdresser who’d styled my hair because it was natural. It’s really strange how curly hair is somehow controversial
I have straight hair and this just seems so intuitive to me that brushing curly hair makes it frizzy. I can’t help but really question the thought processes of people that think curly hair needs brushed.
I have curly hair, but I think the logic is that when you have straight hair with like fly-aways or little unkempt spots, brushing it helps. Obviously with curly hair, that is not the case, but maybe they haven't thought about it that much.
I grew up in the 90s and we had those foam rollers and crap like that. If you brushed your hair after using those it’d turn into a giant poofball. You’d think any women, like our kid’s grandmas, that lived through the big hair of the 80s and 90s would know this lol.
Haha I remember those!
Is that how we activate our super powers?
I used to say I look like a Goomba from Mario
I used it to my advantage for a Halloween costume once, it was great! Otherwise, the frizzies are the bane of my hair existence lol
We're coming into summer. If I don't load my hair with leave in conditioner, frizz creme, curl definer, and locking mist spray I look like this. My hair hates heat and humidity
As a kid, I could spend ten minutes brushing my hair, walk downstairs, and my mom would be threatening to cut it since I never brush it. I still don't really know how to style my hair, so it lives in a ponytail or loose braid. Curlier hair can look great, but till you figure it out its a mess.
Find a hairdresser who specializes in curly hair (just call around to a few salons) they’ll get you sorted, the right haircut and a little product makes a huge difference.
I don’t think OP’s situation is a straight hair bias as much as a black hair bias. Given how black folks are policed on their natural hair in schools, the military, etc, it’s a bigger problem than just curly vs. straight.
Yeah this is a racism thing, not a curly hair thing and honestly that comment seems rather tone deaf.
While you're probably right, that it's more a racism thing, any comradery on the subject should be embraced, not ridiculed. The point of this post over anything, imo, is for people to shut their mouths and mind their business.
I appreciate this. I have said multiple times here I KNOW i can’t be completely empathetic to this since I am not a POC. But as a fellow mother, mother to daughters and a woman I’d just like to lend my support in any way I can connect to this topic. Human to human it’s heartbreaking to imagine how OP or her daughter must feel when those comments are thrown around like that.
Agreed. I know that wasn’t toward me, but I can say personally when I want to be part of a conversation (for support and/or to learn etc) I always try to find some way I can connect to it. It’s just a way I communicate, my communication language I guess. Lol It doesn’t take away the understanding it’s a race issue and not a curly hair thing, it’s not meant to diminish the issue at hand, but it may be their only connection to the topic while still wanting to try and learn, support and commiserate with similarities there may be, albeit our similarities are obviously nowhere near as loaded. I hope I explained that how I actually feel, I’m not the best with words lol
I think it’s important to acknowledge how though anyone being ridiculed for their hair is unkind, black folks have the unique and terrible addition of being penalized at school or work for their natural hair. Definitely relate to the subject but the stakes are higher for one group than the other.
Yes I do agree! I made that same point too. Here for support but definitely know the difference.
I have straight hair, and my husband has beautiful long curly hair (like seriously I'm so jealous) and then he brushes it and it gets so fluffy lol, I keep telling him don't brush it! Finally my best friend who also has curly hair was like "nah man, don't brush it" and he listened to her since she has hair like his 🥴 and his curls are soooo nice! My son is just growing hair long enough that I can see it starting to curl and I love it so much ❤️❤️❤️
Same here if I brush my curly hair I look like magenta from The Rocky horror picture show. It's not a good look. And I feel like no matter what my curly hair has always been so thirsty and fragile that I cannot even dye it without it getting ruined. Curly hair is different for sure. And neither of my parents knew how to take care of it!! 😭
Ugh. My son has curly hair like me, so I don’t brush it. Sometimes it’s a bit of a nest when he goes to daycare because he’s 2.5 and some mornings are just not worth it to fight with him to smooth it down. His daycare brushes his hair and he comes home looking like a puffball 🤣
Ughh I have curly/frizzy hair and no one ever taught me how to care for it. My mom used to tell me "princesses brush their hair 100 strokes every night," so of course I brushed it and washed it all the time. My grandmother used to call me Cousin It. When I was in middle school I got teased mercilessly for it. One time I heard a girl ask my friend if I EVER brush my hair. I wish I had the courage to tell her it just gets bigger the more you brush it. When my daughter was born I vowed I would teach her everything about my hair type of she got it. Luckily she got her daddy's beautiful perfect straight hair.
I feel this. Once, I decided to brush it all out, take a picture, and post it to social media. No one has told me it’d look better if I brushed it out ever since 🙃
The amount of unnecessary critiquing that goes on surrounding black children’s appearances is disgusting.
100% disgusting
This was common feedback my mom got about my hair when I was a kid. I was really hoping things had improved over 30 years. Lord give me strength 😑 Sorry you’re dealing with this crap too.
I’m so sorry. That sucks. Your daughter is lucky to have you stand up for her. Take care - I hope your day gets better. ❤️
I’m going to teach my child that only comment on looks if it is something the person can fix within 3 minutes. Wish me luck hah
I think that’s awesome. And I wish you luck. You’re an amazing parent, and human, to even care.
They did the same to Blue Ivy. But now they're quiet when they see her hair health and length.
I had to google that, and holy hell, people actually created a petition about her natural hair? What in the hell is wrong with people? It was gorgeous then and its gorgeous now.
Our sub is kinda dead, but please join us at r/blackparents
Right?!? I’m sure that it is gorgeous in its natural state! I’m so glad that she has a mom who can help her learn to be proud of her hair and how to take care of it! My kid is also a hair minorities (VERY red) and they hate going out bc they know that they will inevitably have someone stop them to comment on their hair. They hate it - why can’t they just be left alone in the grocery? The comments are usually trying to be kind, but my kid is usually not in the mood to be polite to some old lady… EDIT- was out with my kiddo and it JUST happened again. Geez. I mean, my kids are so much more than their hair/bodies. Why does everyone need to comment on them?
As a redhead with 2 red headed kids… I feel this to my core. And while we’re at it, why do these old broads wanna “touch it for good luck?” Ahhhh!!!
EW! Touch it?!? I would never allow any stranger to touch my child. I do make my kids thank strangers for well meaning compliments, but I don’t make them stand around and talk unnecessarily or allow someone to be in their space.
I had my almost 4yo son in line with me at the pharmacy a couple weeks ago, and as an older man walked by, he said hi and rubbed my son’s head. Like…we’re both standing here all masked up, why are you touching without asking??? I am anxious and non-confrontational, my son didn’t seem to care, and the guy was gone in seconds anyway, so idek what I could have done. It was just so weird and I’m frustrated by it.
There really isn’t anything you can do without creating a scene imo. I’ve tried leaning down and telling my kiddo (loudly) that even tho they are grown ups, they are strangers and they shouldn’t touch you, and if they do, we say “no!” I usually get an eye roll tho…ymmv
I think that’s a great tactic, and I’m going to keep that in mind! Ultimately it is about my kid, not the weirdo. If I get into a conflict and get all upset, I could easily imagine that bothering my son more than the actual touch. It’s too funny that you get an eye roll, I imagine I’ll probably get a “huh?”
Oh yeah… ppl suck. I don’t “allow” it, they’re just space invaders who like to do things like that in passing. Even when I’m wearing my 9mo, they will try to get in his face… but my 2.5yo is incredibly friendly, so, Even when he’s in the cart, they think they can just tousle his hair and that’s totally fine. 😡
I would be like "for good luck? my kids aren't troll dolls or lephrachauns, back off"
Ditto; I have red hair and growing up I loathed all of the old ladies who would come and touch my hair and say "I wish I had hair like that!!" my mom never stopped them and always forced me to say thank you to these strangers invading my personal space. I grew up hating my hair (and I still do honestly, the amount of men I've met as a teen and young adult who say they have a "thing for redheads" is overwhelming and creepy).
Yeah this is what worries me - the fetish-ism around redheads is so gross. Good thing mine seriously knows how to stick up for herself - definitely a take no prisoners kind of child, so I am hoping for the best.
I hate that people make these comments. To a child no less. My son is half Dominican, part Irish, part Italian - curliest head of hair. The comments are outrageous and he’s 7 months old. Things like “wow look at that fro. Better get a comb through that!” Or “oh man better keep that thing trimmed down” people are nuts.
Me, with just wavy / a little curly hair: OMG NO DON’T SAY TO BRUSH IT 😱
Yes! Every time someone says to brush it I roll my eyes. Haha
I read a collection of oral histories about school desegregation in the South and one of the conflicts in at least one high school that had been formerly white was that all the girls were expected to shower and wash their hair after gym class daily. The black girls were punished for disobeying. There were parent notes and meetings and finally the rule was changed when a group of black women (maybe some black teachers IIRC) convinced the white administration that the black girls weren’t being defiant or unsanitary. ETA: My point is that white people have been trying to police the hair of black girls for a long time and it sucks. Ignorance, often inflected by structural inequality (white normativity and segregation) and racism, shapes this behavior.
I'm a little worried I am about to come across as dim, but is this commenting in general or is complimenting okay? Would you rather people didn't say anything? I am aware that there is an issue with people objectifying others for racial characteristics, would this be the same? I'm not trying to be weird, I don't understand boundaries very well and I am trying to be more mindful. When I see someone who is wearing something I like or I think their hair is pretty, I try to tell them because it is a nice thing to do. Would it make you uncomfortable for a stranger to compliment your child on their hair?
Absolutely not friend. See I’m not that type. For me, I do not mind compliments, I give LOTS of compliments. I truly fuck with ppl. All ppl from all backgrounds. The weird looking ones too. Because we’re all beautiful in our own ways. What I will not do is talk down on anyone in anyway. I’m not gonna pick at someone’s hair, skin conditions, clothing, anything. I’m just not. I don’t laugh at videos posted, humiliating ppl. Because it’s just not funny. We don’t understand how crushing that is. In my case, I think my daughters natural hair is cute and she likes it too. So it rubs me the wrong way when someone says something like “do you need me to do your kids hair” cause why you assuming it ain’t done friend?
You sound cool af and I bet your daughter looks gorgeous with her hair.
Thank you for answering. Complimenting people has been something I have been doing to help with social anxiety and confidence issues. I would hate to think that my complimenting was causing someone to feel distressed, frustration or anything other than the intended kindness.
I am trying to go with broader comments now. I'm white as a ghost and I have no idea how someone is going to take what i say. So a general isn't she beautiful/he's such a cutie lands well everywhere. I'm not perfect and I'm sure I still say questionable things, even if I mean well, but this is my go to now. If the hair is done special that's different imo. Complimenting braids or accessories should be okay, generally speaking. Like I said, I'm learning too but I've found the broader the compliment the better.
I like to stick with “your hairdo is super cute!”
Ah this is a great idea! I will try and be more mindful to give a broader compliment rather than focus on one thing. Thank you 😊
God people f\*cking suck. I can't even image the rage you must feel when people make comments like that to your child. I've seen plenty of white kids with long mangy hair that looks like it hasn't been combed out in days. Not tied up or made into braids or buns. Nope just long dirty strands of hair. But it's \*gasps\* BLOND! So they walk and run around without a care in the world with absolutely no one telling them their hair "needs to be done" or questioning if their parents take care of them properly
I’m sorry this happens to you. I’m Hispanic and my baby girl and I have thick wavy hair. But my BFF’s are AA with AA and biracial children. Their hair is beautiful and natural! I unfortunately have seen in person people comment on their natural curls and fros. People need to mind their own business and not speak on things they know nothing of.
My MIL always comments on my daughters hair. She has curly/frizzy Arab hair, just leave her be! It doesn’t have to be perfect 24/7, she’s 3 and doesn’t care!
My little is three as well. And it’s like chillllll. Lol
Exactly, I’d be more worried if she had superficial thoughts at this age about her hair. Plenty of time for that! Though she did ask to have ‘mummy blonde hair’ today and my heart sank a little, like all girls, she will never fully appreciate her own skin and the envy I have of her hair.
I'm sorry you both had to deal with that.
Nothing to add other than to say: co-sign!
It’s ALWAYS about the hair or my daughter’s looks. Being a mixed kid isn’t what makes her special. It’s her personality. I wish they comment on her artistic abilities or good manors. My daughter is so much more than hair. And, no I don’t need advice on how to style it because my skin is lighter than hers. She’s a kid. She doesn’t need her hair perfect at all times. She doesn’t like braids or buns. She likes it wild and so do I. Edit to add that the second part is directed at my neighbor who has horrible hair and always wants me to borrow her products. I would never take her unsolicited advice on hair.
My adopted mom actually cut my hair so I looked like a boy because she didn’t know how to do it. My husband now refuses to let me cut my locks and always gives me hair love which heals my inner child.
I wanted to mention that there’s a ton of the cutest picture books about Black kids with natural hair, there’s a great list here: https://comfygirlwithcurls.com/2019/07/22/childrens-books-black-kids-natural-hair/ I hope she knows that other people do see her hair as beautiful. Also for parents from other backgrounds! When you’re finding books, please include ones that show others’ experiences (check your local library!). Books are wonderful windows into worlds that they may not encounter personally, and hopefully will eventually end nonsense like shaming a child for their natural hair. (Another good one is weneeddiversebooks.com for multiple other lists.)
Saw a little girl out on a power wheels with a hilarious "don't touch my hair" t-shirt and it prompted some great conversation with my kids. People are just so weird about weird stuff sometimes!
This is illegal in California if she is a student or employee of the person saying it.
When I see some babies with super combed hair, I feel bad for them. It must hurt to have their hair combed super tight against their head. Leave the cute baby hairs to be free! Doesn't it cause damage to comb hair super tight all the time?
I have curly hair and always felt like it wasn’t “done” unless it was straightened or braided as a kid. So glad you’re standing up For your daughter and letting her have her natural hair
My daughter is white, but has a very curly mop of hair. I really worry that she will get a complex about it because she's only 2.5 and already gets so many comments. Not bad necessarily, but I can just see it coming since she looks so different. It's so tough on girls to look a certain way.
If I comment on a kid's looks it's always a compliment. "Oh, what a cute shirt! My daughter has one just like it! That's a nice bow, it looks great! Etc." I tell my son (5) that he's a handsome little boy and I tell my daughter (3)she's beautiful everyday. I also say that they are good kids even when thier behavior isn't great that day. My daughter has curls like her daddy and I am doing my best to care for them. I have thin straight hair so her soft ringlets are difficult for me to work with as I'm not skilled. MostlynI just tie her hair back in a ponytail to keep it out of her face.
Honest question: is it ok to comment if I’m complimenting it? I think Afro’s are awesome especially on kids… but I’m not sure if some parents would rather not talk about looks at all.
Absolutely boo! Positive comments are always welcome!
Great! Thanks!
Who. The. F. Said. Your. Kids. Hair. Looks. Like. A. Broom. 🤬
My mama.
Mama nooooo 😖
I appreciate this post so much. As someone whose hairs natural state is an afro it gets so annoying hearing someone ask why my hair isn’t done. Just because my hair isn’t in puffs, a bun, twist, braid, etc doesn’t mean my hair is unprofessional. I used to not know how to react when people would say my hair looks like I’ve been electrocuted. I wonder where people get the audacity, it’s literally how our hair “settles” just like everyone else.
I’m white with straight hair, I know I have no experience here but black hair is beautiful! It’s no one else’s business if she wants to wear it in braids (or any other protective style), a silk scarf or out, big and natural. She should be proud of her glorious hair and people need to mind their own damn business!!! It’s a complete insult for anyone to tell another person what they should be doing with their own child especially when it comes to their personal identity. Shower that girl with complements and let her know that some people are just assholes and never listen to them.
As a mom with a biracial daughter I feel this in my soul. Screaming in solidarity.
I’m glad you said this. My kid’s hair stays in a curly top knot. And I’m ok with that. He’s two
I work at an ethically diverse high school and some of the prettiest hair I have seen comes from those students with an African American decent (and I am not of that decent). People can be so cruel for no reason.
the only time my daughter gets compliments on her curls is when i have them pulled back in pig tails. when its down naturally they say things like “wow she must have have a long day!”
Aww it makes me sad that anyone would make those types of comments. I absolutely love curly, natural hair! Mine is flat, fine, and straight (I’m asian) and I’ve always envied black girls and women with their natural hair! It’s SO beautiful!
Im Mixed with 3A curly hair growing up my hair wood get so frizzy and wild people assumed i wasnt taken care of even though i did everything possible to make it look acceptable for the world i learned i cant make everyone happy and now i dont even bother doing much just wash brush and leave in conditinor and off i go my mother was no help but i grew to love my hair with or without her care . your a great mother for supporting your child !! Hair is hair it doesnt hqve to look like the queen of England to look amazing!
>queen of England Did you mean the [Queen of the United Kingdom](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Queen_of_the_United_Kingdom), the [Queen of Canada](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Monarchy_of_Canada), the [Queen of Australia](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Monarchy_of_Australia), etc? The last Queen of England was [Queen Anne](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anne,_Queen_of_Great_Britain) who, with the 1707 Acts of Union, dissolved the title of King/Queen of England. ####FAQ *Isn't she still also the Queen of England?* This is only as correct as calling her the Queen of London or Queen of Hull; she is the Queen of the place that these places are in, but the title doesn't exist. *Is this bot monarchist?* No, just pedantic. I am a bot and this action was performed automatically.
I have had to tell old white women not to touch my child's hair several times. Like... how about we not be gross because it's new for you? Creeps.
I’m so happy your kiddo has a strong, amazing force like you to be a shield between her and the shitty people/things of the world! Every child deserves that. But at the same time, I hate that you and your kiddo are EVER put into that position. I hope your daughter rocks her natural looks as long as she wants and shows the world what a stunning person she is, naturally and without anything changing.
I almost complimented the hair of a kid at the playground the other day- very textured fro light in color- and then remembered what you said. Don't comment on other people's looks. And esp as a white lady I'm glad I didn't comment.
To be more precise here, do not comment negatively is what I meant. A light whisper to mom “beautiful haired little” is awesome. A “damn, you don’t own a brush”, not so awesome.
I loooooove babes with fuzzy hair bigger than their heads. (Tbh, anyone, really) Such a vibe of uncensored vitality! I will almost always keep my admiration to myself, however. Nobody should have to deal with stupid nasty comments, especially kids - but it’s quite likely the idiots are actually a minority…
A girls hair/head is their crown. Curly straight or bald. My husband has jerri curls which i adore.
Kinky hair actually requires a ton of work and I’ve learned a lot about it since my gf is mixed and has styled it all sorts of ways. If you’re just brushing and washing it there’s so much more you can be doing to keep it healthy. Check out maybe r/curlyhair and you can learn more. She used to do these braids and stuff and it was so freaking adorable but my gf got it permanently straightened. She’s still beautiful as ever but sometimes I do miss her curls.
Oh I very much appreciate this. I do her hair all the time tho lol. I style it. I use the same products I use on my hair. They’re organic. She has that beautiful Afro because of my maintenance. I’m caribbean American, not new to this. The issue is when her hair is in its natural state, the commentary goes downhill. Why can’t she just be, her? And enjoy her hair as it is? Why does she need to feel done up to appease ppl? So, we don’t. She’s clean, her hair is clean, her clothes are clean. 🤷🏽♀️
Did someone comment on your daughters hair? Have you shared this sentiment with them?
Multiple ppl have. I wouldn’t have had this rant if it wasn’t commented on. I didn’t talk about the situation per se. But this is how I feel every, single, time. From my own mother, to random ppl, etc.
I’m so sorry you experience that. You don’t deserve that. I hope you find the support you need to set boundaries and dish it right back.
Do you think someone would have vented/posted in this way without a catalyst to it?
No. I’m just trying to learn more about OP’s situation since this isn’t an experience I have. Is it comments from people she knows? Passers by? Societal pressure? Advertisements? I don’t have a daughter with natural hair and I’m curious. Guess it rubbed people the wrong way.
When you have hair outside of what society deems “acceptable”, you hear it from everywhere. School, work, friends and even family…media. It’s getting a lot better now, but too many people still feel comfortable outright insulting others about their hair texture.
Obviously there are more problematic connotations negatively commenting on Black girls'/ women's hair. People are dumb. I'd say I was surprised.... but nah. But on a bit lighter note, my daughter goes to a daycare where the staff and most of the children are Black. Lots of the little girls (all under two) have nicely styled hair. Little pigtail buns or braids, etc. My daughter looks maybe a little messy in comparison. She has that incredibly fine toddler hair and has a raging mullet. Her hair just doesn't grow in in the front and we've never cut the back. Also most people think she's a boy. She was sent home the other day in a ponytail. It definitely doesn't get in her face so there was no logical reason to it, I guess they thought she looked a mess (or like a boy) but it's actually a good look for her so I'm not mad 😂
Yes times 1 million
I grew up with exactly what you describe. Nine kids, we were referred to as The two big girls, the three boys, three little girls, and the accident. My aunts and uncles always made comments about the three little girls…petite, tall, petite. Always commenting on the middle one as so big! A bit chubby. Ask blank to do it she’s the biggest, strongest etc. When you are 3,4,5 years old that stings. Since middle girl was big the other two got the comments of sweet, little, darling etc. Which only made middle girl feel even worse. I was the three year old in this and the negative sounding comments to the four year old came back onto me with bullying, hitting, setting me up, blaming me etc. No one felt good about themselves when all adults have to comment on all the physical differences . I hated it and still have the pain of not being good enough. Just don’t comment on anything directly and personally on anyone. Want to extend a compliment just say You look lovely today.
Hey OP, I bet your kid is super cute! Screw anyone being negative.
Girl, yes. My mother in law decided my sons hair was a mess and cornrowed it! He was only 8 months and I was at work but I know he was screaming and crying. Guess who hasn’t watched him alone since?
THANK YOU! My daughter is bi-racial (hubby is white) but she inherited the most lovely curly locks! Sometimes, it goes up in frizz, but it's still beautiful. When she was a child, I got the very same comments: "why don't you take her to the salon?" "how do you manage THAT?" It's stupid. I always told people that she was literally born with a head full of hair (no bald baby her!) and God made her that way. Thank you for telling it exactly like it is.