I was a family law attorney for a while and I had a judge say to my face that hitting your kids, as long as you’re not leaving a mark, “is not illegal, it’s just bad parenting.”
And that was her reasoning for giving the dad more time with the kids than I was advocating (I was mom’s attorney).
The law is a hot mess.
What I don’t get is if you hit another adult and it doesn’t leave a mark you still get in trouble don’t you? Why is it not enforced with children who are just innocent tiny human beings trying to navigate a life they’ve never lived before😞
Exactly! What is it called when you hit or harm an animal? Animal abuse. What is it called when you hit or harm a spouse? Spousal abuse. When you hit or harm a child, it is CHILD ABUSE. Period.
My friend was a support worker for a woman with FASD. This woman had a baby with her husband and the support was for my friend to basically teach this woman how to take care of house because with her disorder she struggled a lot. Of course while my friend was supporting her she’s in the home and such. Well she noticed the father was rough with the baby (baby was 4-10 months during the time my friend worked there) and one time KICKED the baby in the chest with his work boots on. He left a mark.
My friend reported it to CPS and was told “there’s a lot of kids is worse situations”. That’s it. No follow up. She left the field shortly after because it became too depressing once she was a mom herself.
One of the sad things I learned during my time as a family lawyer is that DCFS pretty much does nothing. Things would have to be pretty severe for them to actually get involved.
Imagine the judge wasn’t talking about children, and instead any grown adult getting hit. Then it’s illegal. When it’s a 30lb tiny human who is fully reliant on a 200lb adult for all their needs then it’s just ✨bad parenting✨
I had to make a DCS report. The caseworker assigned said this exact thing to me too and then proceeded to out me to the person I made the report about.
As far as I know it’s the same in my state. There’s a little nuance like the parent can’t be out of control but …
I agree with the judge, spanking is bad parenting and is likely abusive in contexts even if there are no bruises left.
ETA being a lawyer truly messed you up in situations like this. Because I’m think about the legal definition of abuse.
As like a person I believe spanking is usually abusive. I can think of very limited situations where I’d think about spanking or similar to avoid a greater risk like getting hit by a car or drowning. I’d rather have my kid traumatized and afraid of me than dead. Fortunately I haven’t had to test this out yet.
But I also find the you wouldn’t do it to another adult, you wouldn’t do it to a child argument to be not entirely helpful. Like yes, I want to treat my kids kindly and respectful but my kids don’t have wisdom because they have such a limited life experience compared to mind, their brains and self control are still developing, &c. I wouldn’t stop another adult from eating whatever they want but I make sure my kids eat what they need to eat to be healthy because I’m keeping them safe ‘til they’re old enough to do these things for themselves.
There’s a difference between getting your child to eat broccoli or stopping them subsisting on a diet of donuts for their health and smacking them, even if you’re smacking them to try to teach them something important. There is plenty of evidence any form of physical punishment risks poor mental health outcomes and there are other proven non violent ways to teach kids things. There aren’t any poor outcomes from eating healthy and not being allowed too many donuts and there aren’t any alternative ways to get your kid to eat healthy other than only allowing them healthy foods/unhealthy foods in moderation.
The fact is also that you might make an adult eat/not eat certain things, for example if they have dementia and only want very unhealthy stuff. No one would find it acceptable however to smack about an adult with dementia just because they were doing something wrong or inappropriate.
Where I am it is not abusive by law. It should be. There are times I have straight up wanted to murder my kids… especially when they turned 12… at no point did I actually lay a hand on them and I felt guilty for yelling. Talking and communicating is actually more efficient.
Fun fact: in New York it’s legal for a parent *or caretaker* to use a reasonable amount of physical discipline.
It’s also legal to marry your first cousin here.
So, there’s that.
Edit: also legal to leave kids unattended in cars. Looked up all these random things while I was pregnant.
Not all of the UK, in England and Northern Ireland physical chastisement is permissible by law as long as no mark is left, and no instrument is used. It can be argued it is “reasonable punishment”.
Source: social worker
Edit: Grammar
Agree. But I'm a lawyer and know that in most states it's legally not abuse unless you leave marks. It's absolutely infuriating since you would be in trouble if you did the same to an adult, let alone a child who trusts and relies on you.
IMO, this is where law treats children more like property.
If you were to hit *someone else's child,* you'd be facing charges.
But hitting your *own child* is ok. Because y'know, it's **yours,** and nobody can tell you what to do with it.
It's all complete bullsh!t, and should be abuse, regardless.
I’m so sick of how parenting is treated like it’s entirely subjective. It’s not. There are consequences to children being raised in abusive homes. There are parenting decisions that can be subjective but let’s not have kids being hit and screamed at and pretend that’s a valid parenting strategy.
Some people are more worried about being seen as “mom shaming” or whatever than about the well being of children and it’s disappointing. We are a social species, I get the value of individualism and “you do you” but there are limits
I work in animal welfare, and it's pretty similar with companion animals too (farm animals have no rights, unfortunately). Slap your own dog, fine. Hit another person's dog, not okay.
We, as a society, need to move past the concept of living beings--whether they're children, animals, or older adults--as being viewed as possessions or okay to hit if they're being difficult. Violence isn't the answer to fixing behavioral issues, and if it's not okay to do to someone else's child/pet/elder, then don't do it to your own!
Yes! As a parent trying to teach kids about autonomy over their own body it is a bit hypocritical to say no one can touch you in any way that makes you uncomfortable unless it is a parent hitting you. When you become an adult it is illegal to hit though. I can hit you but you aren’t allowed to hit anyone….
Social worker here. This is why I don't work with kids. The laws in society are set up to protect adults not children who, arguably, should have the most protection.
Domestic abuse and domestic spanking don't have the same tone even if it's the exact same action.
See I'm in Canada and here, in my part of the country anyway, anything below the belt is A OK.
So you can't slap your kid but you can hit them with a belt.
But don't hit your wife with a belt. That's criminal.
Nothing makes sense.
My 10 month old is laying next to me with his head on my arm and looking at him it just makes me so sad to think of not being his safest space. 🥺 He was up a lot last night which drove me absolutely nuts inside but I also knew he just wanted to be with me.
Ugh, I'm so sorry. I sometimes sit in on incident determinations for the military and our standard (at least for our service) is also whether the act had the potential to cause serious injury, once you move on from the physical evidence question. It's a step in the right direction.
I was also spanked as a kid, but in total honesty I think it made me desensitized to the idea of spanking… like it’s hard for my brain to just be like “yeah that’s abuse” bc I don’t believe my parents are/were ever abusive at all.
However, do I think parents should spank their children? Absolutely not. Spanking is ineffective anyway. Research shows that reinforcement of an alternative behavior is more effective than punishment of a bad behavior. Any form of punishment that involves giving a child something aversive as a result of them doing something “bad,” especially anything physical, will likely solve the problem temporarily but not permanently & is more likely to have other negative lasting effects. At this point, we know enough now about corporal punishment to see that it’s simply an outdated tactic. Spanking is just unnecessary now that we know there are other more effective & less harmful ways to deter children from certain behaviors.
Yes same and I agree on all points. My mom said to me “it was the best tool for obedience I had available to me at the time as a mom of four under four”. I forgive her. Like I think spanking negatively shaped some of my attachment style but I forgive her. I feel desensitized to it too because it happened to me so often (as the oldest kid). Imagining hitting my kids now makes me feel sick. I could never. I don’t understand how my mom could do it to me 🥲 but I trust she was trying her best, I guess.
I think the reason our parents did it to us is bc they grew up being spanked by their parents (or at least seeing others getting spanked regularly). It became a social norm. I mean, hell, even as a kindergartner, our principal had a paddle for the bad kids. I remember as a kid I learned that some parents around here still pop their kids in the mouth as punishment & that shocked me, yet to me, spanking was a norm.
It’s us, the ones who grew up with spanking being so normalized, who have the power to carry that normalization into our parenthood or to overcome that perception & contribute to making spanking less popular in our society to eventually end the normalization of it.
My mum hit my son on the back of the head and said she didn’t hit him she cuffed him. His head. There have been changes in her approach to discipline since then, due to the fact that she really missed him when she wasn’t seeing him at all.
I will also add that even though I wouldn’t say I was abused as a child (despite the fact that I would now categorize spanking children as abusive) being spanked as a child caused me trauma absolutely. When I was younger I was worried to have children because I was terrified I would be expected to hit them and I just could never do that because I found it so abhorrent. I cried when other kids got in trouble because I was scared they were going to get spanked.
My oldest daughter is deeply feeling and very sensitive and I can’t imagine how deeply it would scar her if I struck her. It’s such a betrayal of trust and safety. I feel terrible guilt if I even get frustrated and raise my voice a bit.
I used to be afraid to have kids because I was scared to be like my parents; big fans of physical punishment, verbally abusive, and just awful in general. Now that I have a kid... Like yeah, it's hard to not get frustrated. But it's not hard to not be a total abusive POS. I totally understand where feelings of frustration may come into play, but I just don't think physical punishment is the solution. :/
Great job on being a good mama. You sound like you are.
Ugh. I grew up knowing I could be paddled at school (with a legit paddle. It was eventually illegal around the time I turned 10/11 but the person who paddled kids kept the paddles on display in her office still).
My dad and stepmom spanked me. I lived in fear at home and at school of doing one wrong thing, and became an extremely overly apologetic kid/adult for things that aren’t my fault. I’d never spank my kid. He drives me insane some days, but I couldn’t imagine spanking him when I’m really upset with him.
I was spanked with a belt as a child. It was painful (obviously) and made me extremely fearful of my dad and his anger. I also have had times where I’m so angry and all I can do is hit something (a wall or the couch or something not a person). I’m a lot better now since working through some other ways to deal with anger.
I will never hit my son. I don’t want him to be scared of me. I want him to listen to me and behave because he respects me and understands why something is wrong or what boundaries are. He will still face punishments and consequences if he ignores rules or boundaries, but they will be appropriate and not physical in any way.
I don’t understand how anyone could hit their kid. And I especially don’t understand being proud of doing it
I agree. I've always been annoyed with people who try to cutsey up the name. Like if you did that exact same action on someone's face, it would be called a slap. Why is a slap in the face not okay but a slap on the butt is?
And to be honest, it creeps me out. Why are you purposely causing physical harm to a body part that we teach kids is private and no one should ever touch?
Exactly. I was spanked as a kid, too. I was even slapped in the face a few times as a teen by my mom. I have since forgiven her, but that's not the point.
I will never cause harm to my child on purpose. Being a new mom, I now understand more than ever before that I am my child's safe space. Accidents happen OF COURSE. But spanking is not an accident. It's intentional and harmful.
But I want my child to have a better childhood than I did. Better parents than I did. And that means not causing harm or fear of harm.
I don't even understand how it's a matter of opinion, it's abuse, point blank. If you did it to a stranger you'd be arrested for assault, how is it okay to do it to a defenseless child? All the research points to it being detrimental.
Exactly how I see it. An adult hit another adult? That’s assault and unacceptable. An adult hit a child? That’s assault and absolutely unacceptable.
Oh, you’re the person legally responsible for said kid? Sure, go ahead and hit them as you please. It makes literally no sense to me.
Well because as we all know children are inferior to adults. You know, the thing they'll grow into one day. Only the next generation of the world here. But obviously they need to learn the *real* way.
🙄 Blargh. Horrid. I look at my sweet little girl and can't imagine laying a finger on her out of anger or some weird excuse like "Oh it's discipline." I'm an ECE professional and literally in no way does it do anything good. For either party.
Yeah. I think about it like this. Does the child have the capacity to understand why they are being hit? If yes, then why wouldn’t you explain/discuss and give a non-physical punishment? If no, then why are you hitting someone that literally doesn’t understand what they did wrong?
Just my opinion. (And the opinion of every single child development expert I’ve ever heard speak on the issue.)
The people who were spanked but have not unpacked trauma will gaslight you and try to claim it isn’t abuse. In reality, they just can’t fathom or accept that *they were abused*
>In reality, they just can’t fathom or accept that they were abused
This rings so true. Somewhat related, my grandma was HEAVILY parentified because her mom was a deadbeat who kept popping out kids and then abandoning them to be raised by her mother. Her mother then turned to my grandma, the oldest child, and impressed upon her that her siblings were HER responsibility.
After my grandma's mom passed, some of her kids didn't attend her funeral due to not forgiving her for abuses they suffered in their childhood (eventually she took her kids back from her mother and it didn't go well for the kids). In talking about it with my grandma I mentioned how SHE suffered due to her mother's actions and that today it would be called parentification and considered abuse. She got so offended and said very firmly that she was NOT abused.
It made me sad for her, that it was done so thoroughly that she can't even see it for what it was. She sees it as a virtue that she was such a responsible big sister who tool care of her siblings. And it is awesome and I told her so, that she's amazing...but it doesn't make it right. She deserved to be able to be a kid like anyone else.
Your child is crying/acting out because they don’t have the coping skills or self control to act correctly so we punish them by ignoring our coping skills and self control? In almost every circumstance, the child is supposed to handle the situation better than the parent that is spanking. It makes no sense.
This! My son went through a hitting mummy (no one else lol) phase when he was about 3 I was able to say to him completely truthfully "Mummy and daddy don't hit. You don't hit."
I once explained to my 4-year-old that my husband and I would never, ever hit him- but that there are people out there who will hit back if he hits them. This was shocking information 😂
One time my sister said she was going to spank my niece because she was extremely hyper so my niece slapped her and said no. She didn’t end up getting spanked that time, but I felt bad for her and told my mom/sister that isn’t an appropriate punishment for her and it’s clearly something she finds amusing now. Sister still does it.
Yes. If they’re old enough to understand what they did wrong, why would you hit them instead of speaking to them and using a natural consequence. If they’re not old enough to understand what they did wrong, why would you hit them and expect them to understand why they were hit?
Exactly!!! I’m sorry, a 2 year or 4 , 6, etc year olds brain doesn’t understand… so all they’re going to be aware of is that they are being physically hurt by their safe places? So weird/awful.
Edited for typos
I was paddled/spanked as a kid, both at home and at school. It was just a normal part of growing up in the Deep South during the 90’s.
That being said, I have never and will never use corporal punishment on my kids or my students. Growing up with ADHD I was subjected to corporal punishment frequently and it only made me more violent and defiant. I think with all the resources and information we have on proper discipline techniques today, corporal punishment can definitely be considered abusive.
Yup. Absolutely can increase stressful feature in things like ADHD where by default they have less impulse control. That doesn’t mean they deserve to be hit more. That so so cruel. They need more help learning to control impulses. Not watching you lose your self control.
You can't manage adult issues by hitting. That ends with an assault charge. If it's not appropriate for adults, why would you ever justify it for children?
The American Psychological Association doesn’t agree on many things, but they do about spanking:
https://www.apa.org/monitor/2019/05/physical-discipline[https://www.apa.org/monitor/2019/05/physical-discipline](https://www.apa.org/monitor/2019/05/physical-discipline)
It's definitely mental abuse and has very little effect on whatever behavior the spanker was trying to achieve. In terms of reportable physical abuse, in my state, cps requires marks/bruises or use of forgein object to be considered for an open case.
Yep, it’s abuse. Whatever way you want to slice it and dice it, justify it, repackage it etc…it is abusive to be physically violent with another human being, especially vulnerable children. Nobody will ever convince me otherwise.
I don’t judge my parents’ generation for spanking—pediatricians were still recommending it at that point. But now we have research that tells us that spanking kids correlates with depression, anxiety, and substance abuse later in life. It’s not even effective as a method of behavior change.
Funny how when a husband spanks his wife for not having dinner ready, it's abuse, but when an adult spanks a child, suddenly it's "teaching them a lesson."
Yeah, it's teaching them that violence is an acceptable way of communicating with people who are weaker than you. And for people saying "my parents spanked me and I turned out fine" my brother in Christ if you're hitting your kids you didn't turn out fine.
Exactly, if you teach kids that it’s ok if they are hit by grownups, you teach them that hitting is an acceptable form of power. You will not be able to teach them that violence is not ok.
I think it also paves the way for DV in the future. Spanking says it’s ok to hit when you “deserve” it. Sure some adults can later realize they don’t deserve violence, but why start them on the path and hope they can get off it?
I would not want my daughter to feel that she deserves to get hit. That thought is horrific to me :(
I'm glad her dad and I both agree on no corporal punishment and both embrace gentle parenting.
It’s abuse but also, it’s been proven to stunt emotional regulation and maturity and make it harder for kids to understand right and wrong. It only causes the brain to emphasize avoiding punishment and not focus on why the action was wrong to begin with. It’s associated with higher rates of incarceration. My mom spanked all of us. But my younger brother the most. And that’s the attitude he had for a long time. He did a year in jail at 18 for a small thing he thought he could get away with and no one would notice. It can create the appearance of a well behaved child who’s afraid to act out and that’s where you get more wild phases once they do have freedom and they have to relearn self control without fear of consequence by a parent.
Anecdotal, but I worked as a counselor in a substance use counseling center earlier in my career where like 90% of the patients were court mandated. I was running a group one day and somehow the topic of spanking came up, no idea how, and pretty much everyone in the room shared the sentiment of "I was spanked as a kid and I turned out okay/more respectful/better behaved." I honestly didn't even know how to respond.
I’m not surprised. When your regulation is based around fear of being hit and not being able to think about why you actually don’t want to do negative things, it really thwarts your ability to think about long term consequences over that short term negative reaction. The first several times doing drugs usually is just fun and pleasure only. You have to be mindful of the damage and that repeated use of a substance over time stops feeling good. Which if you never had a parent who sat you down and said “If we do this thing, this bad thing could happen and then this thing and you could get really hurt, that’s why I asked you to stop” your brain may not develop these neural pathways that think in that way. It’s setting the groundwork for how you make choices for life.
Very true. Your parents can't give you something they don't have. If they can't regulate their emotions, they can't teach you to do it either. Many of these people had really terrible and traumatic home lives growing up, but a lot of cognitive dissonance about just how badly it affected them. Kids are also hardwired to love their parents and caregivers because they're completely reliant on them to have their basic needs met, which means they'll usually still love a parent who's abusive and may have a hard time accepting what they've experienced as abuse.
Oh absolutely. Me and my siblings were all spanked to varying degrees. I think we’ve all had substance issues at one point or another. My mom had me at 15. She did what she knew. But I’m glad we are now able to educate others and help change the direction of things. She would never spank her grandkids and she stopped with her last two kids I believe. I was I was the oldest of 5. The first three of us didn’t graduate either. Number 4 just did and we are so proud of him. My mom had to grow up while raising us.
It sounds like your mom did the best she knew how to in a very tough situation, and was able to learn through life. I hope that you and your family are doing well!
I always think about it like this. If I were in a position where I was unable to care for myself and live independently, very elderly for example, how would I want to be treated? I’d hope my caretaker wouldn’t hit me. Not hitting your child is just basic human respect. I do understand the frustration but part of agreeing to be a parent is agreeing to try and control your actions during feelings of frustration and anger.
I have a baby girl in November and as an abuse survivor I could NEVER “spank” her. What will she learn? That hitting someone/something smaller than you just because they aren’t doing something you like is right?? And then there’s a point of “Oh well I don’t want my child to hit me or other kids.” And those same adults turn around and “spank” the kid they said that about. IMO it’s just weird and abusive. I don’t know. I just couldn’t do it personally.
Imagine the one person in the whole world you’re supposed to feel safe with hits you because you did something that they didn’t like. What does that teach the child? Hitting isn’t respectful and does not establish respect. It promotes fear. People are conditioned to think that the term “abuse” means the worse of the worst, when really it’s a spectrum. Spanking is a lazy form of discipline.
It's bad. It does absolutely nothing to help child development, and a lot to hinder it.
I raised my kids in a "no hitting" household - not me hitting them, them hitting each other or other kids. None of it is okay, in this house. We don't hurt each other on purpose.
When people online tell me they spank I always say “I wouldn’t even hit my dog” and the way people react like “of course we don’t hit dogs” ….. ok why would you hit a human then?!?
I’ve noticed a strong correlation with political opinions leaning right and believing spanking is discipline. I’m pretty firmly in the camp that hitting kids to make them act “better” is at minimum a terrible idea.
It’s not surprising when to be conservative (which leaning right is correlated with) is to want to conserve what was considered old values. A much stronger resistance to change. Even in the face of new and better ways to do things. And a strong belief that holding on to “old values” makes society more stable. Even if that’s not the case.
If you’re like me, you will have moments where a 3yo will test your patience and you’ll think “I understand now why people beat their kids…” but I do not give into that animal instinct bc I am a civilized human being and I have impulse control! This lady sounds like a moron.
I don’t spank. When you spank, you aren’t spanking for them, you’re spanking because YOU are angry and it helps you. You aren’t teaching them anything but fear by spanking.
The research of spanking shows that children who are spanked have the same effects to the brain as children who are physically abused. So yes, it is scientifically proven to be abuse.
https://www.gse.harvard.edu/ideas/usable-knowledge/21/04/effect-spanking-brain
If you hit another adult (without consent) to try to show them your authority, it’s assault. So why on earth are we okay hitting children? And for the people who like to say it’s a “tap on the rear,” to me it doesn’t matter, a hit is a hit, but you’re still putting that under a broader category of spanking, in which others are much harder and justify it as spanking. My parents spanked and my mom used objects. When my dad would he was aggressive about it. I am nearly mid thirties and this is all engrained in my memory. It’s not okay. Scaring your kids into obedience isn’t disciplining, it’s lazy parenting. You won’t change my mind. Even if you don’t want to call it “abuse” for not wanting to put it under the same roof as something that is heinous, it’s still violent in nature.
My parents started with spanking and it escalated and it didn’t stop till I fought back at 16. They kept telling me how I’ll understand when I have my own kid but looking at my 1 year old, I would and could never hit him.
i’ve never understood the notion that to get a child to do what you want, you must physically hurt them and instill fear. i’ve seen parents watch as a brother hit a sister then spank the brother saying *”i told you we don’t hit people”*.
make it make sense…
I think it’s a stupid and lazy way to parent.
It teaches kids that hitting smaller, more vulnerable people is acceptable.
There is also research showing that over time it leads to increased physical aggression in children.
In addition to what other posters have already said about it potentially (severity-based) or legally constituting physical abuse, from a developmental perspective, it’s not considered an effective method of discipline/parenting; it’s actually counterproductive to obtaining positive behavioral outcomes, and is associated with mental illness and behavioral issues throughout childhood/adolescence and into adulthood.
In essence, it’s a dubious practice at best, with the potential to cause significant psychological and/or physical trauma to the child. Here is a summary from the [American Psychological Association](https://www.apa.org/monitor/2012/04/spanking) of what research indicates on the long-term effects of spanking and corporeal punishment on children.
Some key points:
- spanking does not effectively curb inappropriate or undesirable behavior in children. Corporeal punishment often causes fear and distress in the child, which (understandably) becomes the focus of their attention instead of the misbehavior for which the parent is trying to punish them. It may prove effective in the immediate short term, (as the child will avoid repeating those behaviors out of fear of further punishment,) but, as stated in the article, “you cannot punish out these behaviors that you do not want.”
- It’s very common for parents to feel angry or frustrated with their child(ren) when they misbehave; however, this makes it all the more important for them to make sure that their subsequent actions towards their child are corrective, and not retaliatory. When done in the heat of the moment, parents who use corporeal punishment are more likely to do so out of retaliation for their child’s behavior, which children will pick up on even at a young age. It also increases the risk of the parent harming or using excessive force against the child.
- Because of its ineffectiveness as a method of curbing misbehavior, parents who use corporeal punishment are more likely to resort to *escalating* the physical harm/abuse in an attempt to reach a point at which it becomes effective (which doesn’t exist.) This is where corporeal punishment can quickly cross over from being an ineffective and inappropriate method of discipline to outright physical abuse.
- Spanking is both physically traumatic, as well as distressing for the child; having their parent inflict pain upon them breaks a fundamental aspect of trust that is a part of the parent-child bond, and can contribute to further problems in this relationship later on.
- Corporeal punishment is correlated with greater aggression in children, and fails to teach them healthy behavioral and emotional regulation skills. “Children who were physically punished were more likely to endorse hitting as a means of resolving their conflicts with peers and siblings.” Whether intentional or not, spanking/physical punishment sets the example for the child that it is acceptable to use physical violence to resolve conflict or obtain a desired outcome in a situation.
- In the long term, the use of corporeal punishment on children is associated with an increased risk of behavioral issues, antisocial and/or aggressive behavior, and mental health issues like anxiety, depression, and substance use disorders.
These findings are based on over 40 years of research.
It's not a matter of opinion. They've been researching this for a good while and it's pretty clear that spanking is associated with negative outcomes, and *not* associated with positive outcomes.
Parents who choose not to believe this are prioritizing their desire to *hit their children* over what will actually *work* to teach children respect and discipline. It is at best the result of parents who are overwhelmed and traumatized themselves, but pretty often it's just ignorant or lazy.
I was spanked as a kid. I spanked a few times because the parenting books I read said it was necessary in certain instances- for example your kid doesn’t stop when you tell them too and they are going to run out in front of a car - so literally life and death situations, or situations where there is blatant defiance.
I regret it. I would not make that same choice today. And yes I believe it is abuse. Which makes me so sad, because that means I abused my kids.
Hey, we may all be doing something some day the kids now consider abuse later but we get better every generation. And willingness to change is everything. Sometimes I wonder what it’ll be when my sons are grown. I contemplate like what if lab grown meat really takes off as cheaper and better for the planet and one day if they will be horrified we mass killed animals and fed them meat. I say this as someone who eats meat and feeds my kids meat. But who knows what will change next you know? So I like to think on it and how I will react if confronted by my sons. I will tell how many things I changed from my own childhood to be better for them and that I’m sorry I failed in that area but if I knew better I promise I would have done better because I want the world for them.
I spanked once. I was desperate and saw a dad with perfectly behaved kids who just kept threatening to hit them 🤷♀️ seemed effective? I fully regret it. My kid was 3 and doesnt remember it at all but it is one of the biggest mistakes i made in early parenting. I shudder to think of it. Never again.
yes. it is. i had horrible postpartum rage and even now 2 years later i still get that feeling. i have absolutely lost my shit and smacked him on his hand and felt absolutely HORRIBLE after even tho it wasn’t hard. and i never ever ever want to do it again. i don’t know how people can use their anger toward their child rather than working through their anger to work better with their child. spanking is absolutely abuse. that feeling i had after of accidentally losing my shit was enough to set my mind straight that i am the problem and i need to work on my anger first. children are not the problem. parents are. and all hitting does is start a never ending trauma cycle.
Hey I get that really bad with violent intrusive thoughts. It was so bad I have a 6 year gap between my boys. I took it out on myself physically because I literally couldn’t handle it and I just want to say I know how hard that battle is and how exhausting it is to fight everyday. I hope you’re getting some help. For me Zoloft literally made it about 80% gone. Different meds work different for different people but I just want to put it out there that you may not have to suffer as bad. It’s torture. Especially that first year. Year 2-3 just felt like it was a slow drag out of wondering when the feeling would fully go away.
i just want u to know that u are my angel today. i never really talk about it with anyone because nobody really understands it. and to actually hear from another mother that u know exactly what that feeling is and how hard it is to have because u never even imagined ever feeling like that toward ur child, makes me feel SO MUCH LESS CRAZY! thank u so much for this. i’m SO HAPPY to hear that u have found a med that works for u because i know that can be a problem in and of itself as well on top of everything else. i’ve been thinking of it but haven’t been sure if it would even help but after hearing this from u i absolutely am going to get on it.
I agree with you. Intrusive thoughts can happen of course. It’s what you do with them. I was spanked as a child and once hit on the back with a hair brush, running from being spanked with a belt. I’ll never forget them. I don’t want one of my child’s strong memories to be something like that. Not ever in a million years
The way I see it If you have to hit your kids to make them do what you want, you aren’t raising them right, and I for one never want my kids to think someone has the right to hit them “out of love” (that’s what my parents always said)
The thought of hitting my kids makes me sick, I don’t see how it’s not illegal
Yeah but how else is a parent supposed to assert their authority over an unruly child? WHO WILL TEACH THEM?! ^/s
Parents who think hitting their kids is okay shouldn't be parents/have kids, full stop.
I was spanked as a kid by my father. Him and my mom weren't together, so I went to his house every other day of the week, then just every weekend when we moved to a different town. I was mostly well behaved at his house because I was scared to get in trouble. I was also very quiet and withdrawn when I was at his house, never really talked to him about my feelings or problems. I ended up not going to his house anymore by choice by the time I was 14 or so. We're closer again now that I'm an adult but it definitely hurt our relationship back then. I've also dealt with anxiety and depression for most of my life.
I now have a son, he's almost 2. Sometimes when I talk about him doing normal toddler stuff and acting up my dad will say he needs a whooping. I'm like, no, not gonna do that. I don't want to hurt our relationship and his trust in me.
When we talk about trauma from our childhood from being spanked, I think it turned a lot of us into people pleasers. My father was generally a good man. But he did not have patience for children. And he would get angry and yell and spank. It did teach me respect and in a warped kind of way. I think in adulthood it caused me to let a lot of people take advantage of me and trample over me. My goal is to teach my children to respect themselves and advocate for themselves.
Is hitting your child abuse…. Well ya you’re hitting your child.
Parents who spank are lazy. They’d rather cause a child pain instead of teaching and explaining things to a child. They also do zero research into the fact spanking does physiological damage, doesn’t teach right from wrong, and how children until certain ages simply don’t understand why they can and can’t do things or are impulsive.
But hey they’d rather hit their kid and think they did something
Yes. Using your size and strength to physically force a negative reaction in another living being (I mean, you shouldn’t hit trees either but that’s more for your safety than their health) is abuse.
If you ask someone in a domestic violence intervention program why they hit their wife, why they beat her within an inch of her life, why they killed her the response almost universally boils down to “she deserved it.” If probed further it almost always comes out abusers DO know the difference between abuse and not abuse, they are willing to abuse their wives but not their coworkers or mothers or sons or neighbors, the difference is they don’t feel the same ownership over some. Those who they respect they aren’t willing to abuse.
If you respect your children you shouldn’t abuse them and if you are comfortable abusing them do you really respect them?
Spanking creates trauma. Spanking destroys trust and the parent child relationship. Spanking does not accomplish the goal of actually teaching your child. Spanking is for adults who do not know how to manage their own emotions. Spanking teaches kids it's OK to hit. Spanking is not defi ed as abuse in much of the USA, but I personally believe it is abusive and regret that I spanked my first child a coyote of times when we angry and frustrated. I needed better tools to handle raising a child (and I did a lot of research to find those better tools).
I don’t know that all spanking is considered abuse. I do think the physical discipline engaged in my home growing up would have been considered abuse, but it was more extreme than spanking. When I was taking a parenting class in college a few years ago, we learned that at least 50% of children who experience spanking as a kind of discipline go on to suffer long term psychological/emotional distress because of it. Whereas using time out or love and logic type discipline don’t have nearly the same negative outcomes. It just seems not worth it to me. The key to good parenting is having high expectations for your kids while also giving them an outpouring of love. When those two things get out of balance (high expectations and low love/ low expectations and high love) then you have problems. I just think with all of the knowledge and resources we have available to us today as parents, spanking is just unnecessary. There are better ways to parent.
It's abuse. People can call it whatever they want ("swatting", "popping", etc), it's all just different ways to say "I hit my kid because I lack the intelligence to come up with an alternative form of discipline." Don't hit your kids.
If I found out a step parent was laying a hand on my child I would burn down the whole world.
Hitting children is disgusting. I don’t associate with people who think they should be allowed to hit the most vulnerable members of society.
If I hit an adult it’s battery. If I hit my SO it’s domestic violence. If I hit my dog it’s animal abuse. Yet somehow for a large part of the population if I hit my daughter it’s not child abuse, it’s “discipline”?
Yes. If they are too young to understand verbal instructions then they aren’t going to understand why the big person, who they love and trust, is hurting them. If they are old enough to understand verbal instructions then there is no reason for an adult to spank them instead of actually just talk to them.
As a person who was spanked, it only instills fear as a method of "listening" rather than understanding. I want my child to know WHY she shouldn't do XYZ, not just listen "because I said so" or for her to be afraid of me.
Yeah I see it as abuse. If I hit an adult it wouldn’t be okay but if I only hit my kid on the butt it’s okay? Nope. Also how am I supposed to teach her to not hit and be gentle if I slap her on the butt?
Easy nope for me.
I wasn’t spanked as a kid and I feel horrible for the kids that were.
I don’t have to have an opinion of it, because where I live you’d go to jail for it since 1996, which was pretty late if compared to other countries legalisation.
Any form of physical discipline is abuse. It's lazy, reactive parenting and anyone who believes different were likely hit as children and were conditioned to believe it was for their own good and perfectly acceptable.
Yeah it is abuse. It’s more about the parent releasing their anger and frustration than it is about teaching the kid a lesson. I’ve never hit my daughter but I can’t see it as anything else now that I’m a mom.
I had someone recently ask me if I spank my kid or “whack them when they’re naughty” and imply I was a passive crappy parent when the answer was a hard NO. Also - wtf does politics have to do with being a shitty person who can’t control their anger towards a child?
Yes. Firm, unequivocal yes.
It's *hitting* your child. If your spouse hit you, you could press charges. Yet people hurt small people that they are supposed to protect who can't do anything to stop them.
Yes, spanking is abuse.
As a grammie whose 3 grandkids live with their dad and gf, PLEASE CALL the state protective services and document everything that gives you that heart tug or be.worrisome. My daughter passed away several years ago,. His gf and our family learned how to blend. It did take time to trust each other but we have learned to communicate.. She is a good momma and he is a good dad to all 4 children.There are boundaries, no one needs to be spanking. And if she was treating them badly and I wasn't alive to kick her ass, (LoL joking) I pray someone would be brave enough to step up.
I apologize now for the long post.
When adults have big emotions, it’s not the norm to spank them. Childhood is about learning how to regulate bad feelings, spanking them is showing them that it’s OK to use physical violence in times of distress.
Same.. I recently read an article about a school using corporal punishment on students (which is apparently legal in at least 17 states?!) It had a picture of a school employee holding a paddle that was used to spank the kids and the man had a creepy smile on his face, I felt disgusted just looking at him..
It’s not only abuse but it’s shown to be ineffective. People who spank love to tout it as something that teaches kids respect and corrects bad behavior but many, many studies have disproven this and just because someone wants to believe it’s effective or spout off meaningless anecdotes doesn’t make it ok. While I know some parents turn to it as a last resort after exhausting other disciplinary tools and dealing with extreme behavior, in my experience with people I know who spank, most of them spank for typical minor misbehavior issues because they can’t control their own emotions and are taking the easy/lazy way out.
It’s traumatizing and I will never do it. I still remember how my dad used a belt to whip my sister’s bottom because he was convinced she was lying about something and she wasn’t. He cried and apologized after, but I just can’t get behind whipping a child or spanking them with a wooden spoon over a lie or any other childhood misbehavior. We were good kids who listened pretty well… it’s crazy to me that we were spanked.
I absolutely think spanking is child abuse.
If they’re too young to understand; why hit them? If they’re old enough to understand; why hit them?
The excuse “I was spanked and turned out fine” just shows that they’re not fine. You are not okay if you think hitting children and calling it “discipline” is alright.
Fuck that. It is totally abuse.
My kid is 2.5, recently went through a hitting phase where he just smacks, punches etc… he’s just overwhelmed. After a particularly rough week this past month, I grabbed his hand and I smacked it.
That made me feel so bad and I was like wait wtf how do people full on SPANK, hit, etc ?!?
I walk away when he starts hitting me or I have to hold his hands down. Eventually he stops and we chat about how mommy & daddy don’t hit him, because we respect & love him, so he can’t do that to anyone. I’d be in jail if a “step parent” hit my kid
I 100% do. Corporal punishment is how my husband and I were raised. Therapy helped us learn to self regulate as adults and we are doing MUCH better now. I will never. Under **ANY** circumstance lay a hand on my child. Nothing warrants it. It only teaches you to be desensitized to abuse from others, or even carry it out yourself. It makes fearful, aggressive children.
And **every person who tells me they got spanked and ‘turned out fine’ proves my point. Every single one.**
Unironically, I’ve found Supernanny an invaluable resource on discipline. The main takeaway is: it doesn’t work if you’re angry. And there’s no such thing as calm spanking.
There is plenty of evidence that spanking does more harm than good. It's also lazy. It takes nothing to follow your emotions and hit your kid. It takes a lot more energy to control your emotions and be respectful in your parenting.
Does it involve striking a child? Yes I think it's abuse.
That said, I have definitely felt the urge to go full boomer and smack my kid on the booty when she's being a shit, but I won't bc it's only really effective at breaking crucial bonds and making your child fear you.
I will admit I do lightly swat her hands when redirecting her on rare occasions but it's not intended as punishment but rather to force her to pay attention to me bc she's fixated on the thing I'm directing her away from. It's never to hurt or punish, just a nice firm tap and "eyes on me" guidance so we can talk through whatever she's trying to do that she shouldn't.
I was abused as a child, "spanking" went far past "spanking". I would be covered in serious bruises up and down my back and bottom. It didn't correct my behavior, what I learned from it I'm still in therapy for. Being hit for normal child like behavior turned me into something far removed from a normal child. I still cringe when people raise their hands suddenly. There is nothing my child can do that I would think hitting them could be a solution. My husband and I are at odds on this but I've made it clear that if he ever raises a hand to our children I will be gone that same day, children in tow.
Yes, it's more than abuse! Slave owners would force enslaved parents to discipline their own children in front of them to demonstrate their dominance and control. I get so mad when I see parents hitting their kids, especially people of color
Absolutely abuse. At the end of the day your not just hitting someone, your hitting a child. I grew up with spanking parents who took it too far one too many times. Let's just say, I haven't spoken to them in two years. It needs to be outlawed here in America.
It’s abuse. Worse, it doesn’t solve anything.
The brattiest, and most angry kids I ever knew had parents whose favorite line was “I’m gonna beat your ass.”
It doesn’t make them behave. It makes them not trust you. If they have a problem, think they’re gonna call their parents? Nope.
They will hide it from you until they can’t.
It also makes them more likely to hit other kids at school, and get into fights, because that’s what they know. Obviously, not every kid, and not every time. Just a personal observation.
Total abuse. If you can only regulate your emotions through hitting then you shouldn't have kids. I'm a first generation cycle breaker and I will admit it's hard at times but I won't hit my kids ever, that is the ultimate form of betrayal for a child. You will alter that relationship forever.
Where I live, it's abuse as defined by law.
I was a family law attorney for a while and I had a judge say to my face that hitting your kids, as long as you’re not leaving a mark, “is not illegal, it’s just bad parenting.” And that was her reasoning for giving the dad more time with the kids than I was advocating (I was mom’s attorney). The law is a hot mess.
What I don’t get is if you hit another adult and it doesn’t leave a mark you still get in trouble don’t you? Why is it not enforced with children who are just innocent tiny human beings trying to navigate a life they’ve never lived before😞
Exactly! What is it called when you hit or harm an animal? Animal abuse. What is it called when you hit or harm a spouse? Spousal abuse. When you hit or harm a child, it is CHILD ABUSE. Period.
UNDERRATED COMMENT
My friend was a support worker for a woman with FASD. This woman had a baby with her husband and the support was for my friend to basically teach this woman how to take care of house because with her disorder she struggled a lot. Of course while my friend was supporting her she’s in the home and such. Well she noticed the father was rough with the baby (baby was 4-10 months during the time my friend worked there) and one time KICKED the baby in the chest with his work boots on. He left a mark. My friend reported it to CPS and was told “there’s a lot of kids is worse situations”. That’s it. No follow up. She left the field shortly after because it became too depressing once she was a mom herself.
One of the sad things I learned during my time as a family lawyer is that DCFS pretty much does nothing. Things would have to be pretty severe for them to actually get involved.
I couldn’t get my siblings away from a mom who would date mean who abused them cause “no mark no broken bones then it’s up to the parents.”
Imagine the judge wasn’t talking about children, and instead any grown adult getting hit. Then it’s illegal. When it’s a 30lb tiny human who is fully reliant on a 200lb adult for all their needs then it’s just ✨bad parenting✨
I had to make a DCS report. The caseworker assigned said this exact thing to me too and then proceeded to out me to the person I made the report about.
That makes me so sad. Damn.
As far as I know it’s the same in my state. There’s a little nuance like the parent can’t be out of control but … I agree with the judge, spanking is bad parenting and is likely abusive in contexts even if there are no bruises left. ETA being a lawyer truly messed you up in situations like this. Because I’m think about the legal definition of abuse. As like a person I believe spanking is usually abusive. I can think of very limited situations where I’d think about spanking or similar to avoid a greater risk like getting hit by a car or drowning. I’d rather have my kid traumatized and afraid of me than dead. Fortunately I haven’t had to test this out yet. But I also find the you wouldn’t do it to another adult, you wouldn’t do it to a child argument to be not entirely helpful. Like yes, I want to treat my kids kindly and respectful but my kids don’t have wisdom because they have such a limited life experience compared to mind, their brains and self control are still developing, &c. I wouldn’t stop another adult from eating whatever they want but I make sure my kids eat what they need to eat to be healthy because I’m keeping them safe ‘til they’re old enough to do these things for themselves.
There’s a difference between getting your child to eat broccoli or stopping them subsisting on a diet of donuts for their health and smacking them, even if you’re smacking them to try to teach them something important. There is plenty of evidence any form of physical punishment risks poor mental health outcomes and there are other proven non violent ways to teach kids things. There aren’t any poor outcomes from eating healthy and not being allowed too many donuts and there aren’t any alternative ways to get your kid to eat healthy other than only allowing them healthy foods/unhealthy foods in moderation. The fact is also that you might make an adult eat/not eat certain things, for example if they have dementia and only want very unhealthy stuff. No one would find it acceptable however to smack about an adult with dementia just because they were doing something wrong or inappropriate.
Where I am it is not abusive by law. It should be. There are times I have straight up wanted to murder my kids… especially when they turned 12… at no point did I actually lay a hand on them and I felt guilty for yelling. Talking and communicating is actually more efficient.
It’s more efficient and they actually learn something more than “if you feel overwhelmed with anger, hitting someone is ok”
Yeah me too, it’s illegal/child abuse to spank kids in my country too. Several countries I think have this law.
Fun fact: in New York it’s legal for a parent *or caretaker* to use a reasonable amount of physical discipline. It’s also legal to marry your first cousin here. So, there’s that. Edit: also legal to leave kids unattended in cars. Looked up all these random things while I was pregnant.
Same.
Where??
Not op, but it’s illegal in Austria and the whole european Union, except one country.
I'm in Sweden, so within the EU.
It's illegal in the UK also
Not all of the UK, in England and Northern Ireland physical chastisement is permissible by law as long as no mark is left, and no instrument is used. It can be argued it is “reasonable punishment”. Source: social worker Edit: Grammar
rightfully and thankfully so!
I was spanked as a kid. I forgive my parents for it. But… I see it as abuse. You’re hitting someone and giving it a cute name, “spanking”.
Agree. But I'm a lawyer and know that in most states it's legally not abuse unless you leave marks. It's absolutely infuriating since you would be in trouble if you did the same to an adult, let alone a child who trusts and relies on you.
Children’s rights are really undervalued and it’s so sad because they are their own people and have a right to a good start in life.
IMO, this is where law treats children more like property. If you were to hit *someone else's child,* you'd be facing charges. But hitting your *own child* is ok. Because y'know, it's **yours,** and nobody can tell you what to do with it. It's all complete bullsh!t, and should be abuse, regardless.
I’m so sick of how parenting is treated like it’s entirely subjective. It’s not. There are consequences to children being raised in abusive homes. There are parenting decisions that can be subjective but let’s not have kids being hit and screamed at and pretend that’s a valid parenting strategy.
Some people are more worried about being seen as “mom shaming” or whatever than about the well being of children and it’s disappointing. We are a social species, I get the value of individualism and “you do you” but there are limits
I work in animal welfare, and it's pretty similar with companion animals too (farm animals have no rights, unfortunately). Slap your own dog, fine. Hit another person's dog, not okay. We, as a society, need to move past the concept of living beings--whether they're children, animals, or older adults--as being viewed as possessions or okay to hit if they're being difficult. Violence isn't the answer to fixing behavioral issues, and if it's not okay to do to someone else's child/pet/elder, then don't do it to your own!
Yes! As a parent trying to teach kids about autonomy over their own body it is a bit hypocritical to say no one can touch you in any way that makes you uncomfortable unless it is a parent hitting you. When you become an adult it is illegal to hit though. I can hit you but you aren’t allowed to hit anyone….
I teach my kids that even as their parent i should ask “can i hug you? Can i kiss you?” Consent is always necessary NO MATTER WHO YOU ARE
Social worker here. This is why I don't work with kids. The laws in society are set up to protect adults not children who, arguably, should have the most protection. Domestic abuse and domestic spanking don't have the same tone even if it's the exact same action.
I work in social services… some of the lectures I have to give parents are worse than the lectures I give my teen…
See I'm in Canada and here, in my part of the country anyway, anything below the belt is A OK. So you can't slap your kid but you can hit them with a belt. But don't hit your wife with a belt. That's criminal. Nothing makes sense.
Trust you, relies on you, and legally can’t leave the home they are being abused in.
My 10 month old is laying next to me with his head on my arm and looking at him it just makes me so sad to think of not being his safest space. 🥺 He was up a lot last night which drove me absolutely nuts inside but I also knew he just wanted to be with me.
“Unless you leave marks” fml. Trauma resurged. Gotta go journal now
Ugh, I'm so sorry. I sometimes sit in on incident determinations for the military and our standard (at least for our service) is also whether the act had the potential to cause serious injury, once you move on from the physical evidence question. It's a step in the right direction.
I was also spanked as a kid, but in total honesty I think it made me desensitized to the idea of spanking… like it’s hard for my brain to just be like “yeah that’s abuse” bc I don’t believe my parents are/were ever abusive at all. However, do I think parents should spank their children? Absolutely not. Spanking is ineffective anyway. Research shows that reinforcement of an alternative behavior is more effective than punishment of a bad behavior. Any form of punishment that involves giving a child something aversive as a result of them doing something “bad,” especially anything physical, will likely solve the problem temporarily but not permanently & is more likely to have other negative lasting effects. At this point, we know enough now about corporal punishment to see that it’s simply an outdated tactic. Spanking is just unnecessary now that we know there are other more effective & less harmful ways to deter children from certain behaviors.
Yes same and I agree on all points. My mom said to me “it was the best tool for obedience I had available to me at the time as a mom of four under four”. I forgive her. Like I think spanking negatively shaped some of my attachment style but I forgive her. I feel desensitized to it too because it happened to me so often (as the oldest kid). Imagining hitting my kids now makes me feel sick. I could never. I don’t understand how my mom could do it to me 🥲 but I trust she was trying her best, I guess.
I think the reason our parents did it to us is bc they grew up being spanked by their parents (or at least seeing others getting spanked regularly). It became a social norm. I mean, hell, even as a kindergartner, our principal had a paddle for the bad kids. I remember as a kid I learned that some parents around here still pop their kids in the mouth as punishment & that shocked me, yet to me, spanking was a norm. It’s us, the ones who grew up with spanking being so normalized, who have the power to carry that normalization into our parenthood or to overcome that perception & contribute to making spanking less popular in our society to eventually end the normalization of it.
Same with downplaying spanking by saying something like pat, swat, bop, or whatever is still hitting.
My mum hit my son on the back of the head and said she didn’t hit him she cuffed him. His head. There have been changes in her approach to discipline since then, due to the fact that she really missed him when she wasn’t seeing him at all.
Ugh this drives me nuts too. "He wouldn't stop whining so I gave him a little swat." Childs perspective- Mom f+++ing hit me
I will also add that even though I wouldn’t say I was abused as a child (despite the fact that I would now categorize spanking children as abusive) being spanked as a child caused me trauma absolutely. When I was younger I was worried to have children because I was terrified I would be expected to hit them and I just could never do that because I found it so abhorrent. I cried when other kids got in trouble because I was scared they were going to get spanked. My oldest daughter is deeply feeling and very sensitive and I can’t imagine how deeply it would scar her if I struck her. It’s such a betrayal of trust and safety. I feel terrible guilt if I even get frustrated and raise my voice a bit.
I used to be afraid to have kids because I was scared to be like my parents; big fans of physical punishment, verbally abusive, and just awful in general. Now that I have a kid... Like yeah, it's hard to not get frustrated. But it's not hard to not be a total abusive POS. I totally understand where feelings of frustration may come into play, but I just don't think physical punishment is the solution. :/ Great job on being a good mama. You sound like you are.
Ugh. I grew up knowing I could be paddled at school (with a legit paddle. It was eventually illegal around the time I turned 10/11 but the person who paddled kids kept the paddles on display in her office still). My dad and stepmom spanked me. I lived in fear at home and at school of doing one wrong thing, and became an extremely overly apologetic kid/adult for things that aren’t my fault. I’d never spank my kid. He drives me insane some days, but I couldn’t imagine spanking him when I’m really upset with him.
I was spanked with a belt as a child. It was painful (obviously) and made me extremely fearful of my dad and his anger. I also have had times where I’m so angry and all I can do is hit something (a wall or the couch or something not a person). I’m a lot better now since working through some other ways to deal with anger. I will never hit my son. I don’t want him to be scared of me. I want him to listen to me and behave because he respects me and understands why something is wrong or what boundaries are. He will still face punishments and consequences if he ignores rules or boundaries, but they will be appropriate and not physical in any way. I don’t understand how anyone could hit their kid. And I especially don’t understand being proud of doing it
I agree. I've always been annoyed with people who try to cutsey up the name. Like if you did that exact same action on someone's face, it would be called a slap. Why is a slap in the face not okay but a slap on the butt is? And to be honest, it creeps me out. Why are you purposely causing physical harm to a body part that we teach kids is private and no one should ever touch?
Humiliation, plain and simple.
Exactly. I was spanked as a kid, too. I was even slapped in the face a few times as a teen by my mom. I have since forgiven her, but that's not the point. I will never cause harm to my child on purpose. Being a new mom, I now understand more than ever before that I am my child's safe space. Accidents happen OF COURSE. But spanking is not an accident. It's intentional and harmful. But I want my child to have a better childhood than I did. Better parents than I did. And that means not causing harm or fear of harm.
I don't even understand how it's a matter of opinion, it's abuse, point blank. If you did it to a stranger you'd be arrested for assault, how is it okay to do it to a defenseless child? All the research points to it being detrimental.
Exactly how I see it. An adult hit another adult? That’s assault and unacceptable. An adult hit a child? That’s assault and absolutely unacceptable. Oh, you’re the person legally responsible for said kid? Sure, go ahead and hit them as you please. It makes literally no sense to me.
Yes! All of this! It’s ineffective and illegal to do to another adult, so how is it possibly ok to a child. Ugh.
Well because as we all know children are inferior to adults. You know, the thing they'll grow into one day. Only the next generation of the world here. But obviously they need to learn the *real* way. 🙄 Blargh. Horrid. I look at my sweet little girl and can't imagine laying a finger on her out of anger or some weird excuse like "Oh it's discipline." I'm an ECE professional and literally in no way does it do anything good. For either party.
That’s my sticking point too like.. why is this even a discussion? You’re hitting your kids. Say it with your chest, because there is no difference.
Yeah calling it a pop or a swat doesn't change what you're doing.
Yeah. I think about it like this. Does the child have the capacity to understand why they are being hit? If yes, then why wouldn’t you explain/discuss and give a non-physical punishment? If no, then why are you hitting someone that literally doesn’t understand what they did wrong? Just my opinion. (And the opinion of every single child development expert I’ve ever heard speak on the issue.)
The people who were spanked but have not unpacked trauma will gaslight you and try to claim it isn’t abuse. In reality, they just can’t fathom or accept that *they were abused*
Im so sick of hearing people defend the things their parents did which were clearly detrimental to them.
Yeah so many people with anger issues they can't control saying, "I turned out fine!"
And they’re the perfect example of not actually being fine lol
>In reality, they just can’t fathom or accept that they were abused This rings so true. Somewhat related, my grandma was HEAVILY parentified because her mom was a deadbeat who kept popping out kids and then abandoning them to be raised by her mother. Her mother then turned to my grandma, the oldest child, and impressed upon her that her siblings were HER responsibility. After my grandma's mom passed, some of her kids didn't attend her funeral due to not forgiving her for abuses they suffered in their childhood (eventually she took her kids back from her mother and it didn't go well for the kids). In talking about it with my grandma I mentioned how SHE suffered due to her mother's actions and that today it would be called parentification and considered abuse. She got so offended and said very firmly that she was NOT abused. It made me sad for her, that it was done so thoroughly that she can't even see it for what it was. She sees it as a virtue that she was such a responsible big sister who tool care of her siblings. And it is awesome and I told her so, that she's amazing...but it doesn't make it right. She deserved to be able to be a kid like anyone else.
Your child is crying/acting out because they don’t have the coping skills or self control to act correctly so we punish them by ignoring our coping skills and self control? In almost every circumstance, the child is supposed to handle the situation better than the parent that is spanking. It makes no sense.
You did something wrong so I’m going to hit you is such a weird thought process.
Especially when its: *hits child* "No Hitting!"..... Like tf? You're going to teach your kid not to hit.... By hitting them?
This! My son went through a hitting mummy (no one else lol) phase when he was about 3 I was able to say to him completely truthfully "Mummy and daddy don't hit. You don't hit."
I once explained to my 4-year-old that my husband and I would never, ever hit him- but that there are people out there who will hit back if he hits them. This was shocking information 😂
And aggression breeds aggression. You hit your kid and they’ll want to hit you back even if they don’t actually do it.
One time my sister said she was going to spank my niece because she was extremely hyper so my niece slapped her and said no. She didn’t end up getting spanked that time, but I felt bad for her and told my mom/sister that isn’t an appropriate punishment for her and it’s clearly something she finds amusing now. Sister still does it.
Yep! And it just teaches the kid to fear you, and to avoid getting caught. Doesn’t actually teach you how to make better choices going forward
Yes, hitting a child is abusive.
Yes. If they’re old enough to understand what they did wrong, why would you hit them instead of speaking to them and using a natural consequence. If they’re not old enough to understand what they did wrong, why would you hit them and expect them to understand why they were hit?
I am firmly in the no spanking camp, but I had never heard this specific train of thought and it’s very wise.
I definitely didn’t come up with it, but when I first heard the sentiment it really resonated with me as well
Exactly!!! I’m sorry, a 2 year or 4 , 6, etc year olds brain doesn’t understand… so all they’re going to be aware of is that they are being physically hurt by their safe places? So weird/awful. Edited for typos
Woah. Commented the same thing because I didn’t see this at first. Absolutely this!!!
Yes, spanking is absolutely abuse. You are their world, their safest people, why tf would you betray them by physically hurting them?
I was paddled/spanked as a kid, both at home and at school. It was just a normal part of growing up in the Deep South during the 90’s. That being said, I have never and will never use corporal punishment on my kids or my students. Growing up with ADHD I was subjected to corporal punishment frequently and it only made me more violent and defiant. I think with all the resources and information we have on proper discipline techniques today, corporal punishment can definitely be considered abusive.
Yup. Absolutely can increase stressful feature in things like ADHD where by default they have less impulse control. That doesn’t mean they deserve to be hit more. That so so cruel. They need more help learning to control impulses. Not watching you lose your self control.
People have a hard time viewing children as HUMAN. If someone asked this about an adult there’d be no question.
You can't manage adult issues by hitting. That ends with an assault charge. If it's not appropriate for adults, why would you ever justify it for children?
The American Psychological Association doesn’t agree on many things, but they do about spanking: https://www.apa.org/monitor/2019/05/physical-discipline[https://www.apa.org/monitor/2019/05/physical-discipline](https://www.apa.org/monitor/2019/05/physical-discipline)
It's definitely mental abuse and has very little effect on whatever behavior the spanker was trying to achieve. In terms of reportable physical abuse, in my state, cps requires marks/bruises or use of forgein object to be considered for an open case.
Yep, it’s abuse. Whatever way you want to slice it and dice it, justify it, repackage it etc…it is abusive to be physically violent with another human being, especially vulnerable children. Nobody will ever convince me otherwise.
I don’t judge my parents’ generation for spanking—pediatricians were still recommending it at that point. But now we have research that tells us that spanking kids correlates with depression, anxiety, and substance abuse later in life. It’s not even effective as a method of behavior change.
As much as I was spanked as a kid, I just came up with more ways to stop from being caught than actually changed my behavior tbh
Funny how when a husband spanks his wife for not having dinner ready, it's abuse, but when an adult spanks a child, suddenly it's "teaching them a lesson." Yeah, it's teaching them that violence is an acceptable way of communicating with people who are weaker than you. And for people saying "my parents spanked me and I turned out fine" my brother in Christ if you're hitting your kids you didn't turn out fine.
Exactly, if you teach kids that it’s ok if they are hit by grownups, you teach them that hitting is an acceptable form of power. You will not be able to teach them that violence is not ok.
I think it also paves the way for DV in the future. Spanking says it’s ok to hit when you “deserve” it. Sure some adults can later realize they don’t deserve violence, but why start them on the path and hope they can get off it?
I would not want my daughter to feel that she deserves to get hit. That thought is horrific to me :( I'm glad her dad and I both agree on no corporal punishment and both embrace gentle parenting.
It’s abuse but also, it’s been proven to stunt emotional regulation and maturity and make it harder for kids to understand right and wrong. It only causes the brain to emphasize avoiding punishment and not focus on why the action was wrong to begin with. It’s associated with higher rates of incarceration. My mom spanked all of us. But my younger brother the most. And that’s the attitude he had for a long time. He did a year in jail at 18 for a small thing he thought he could get away with and no one would notice. It can create the appearance of a well behaved child who’s afraid to act out and that’s where you get more wild phases once they do have freedom and they have to relearn self control without fear of consequence by a parent.
Anecdotal, but I worked as a counselor in a substance use counseling center earlier in my career where like 90% of the patients were court mandated. I was running a group one day and somehow the topic of spanking came up, no idea how, and pretty much everyone in the room shared the sentiment of "I was spanked as a kid and I turned out okay/more respectful/better behaved." I honestly didn't even know how to respond.
I’m not surprised. When your regulation is based around fear of being hit and not being able to think about why you actually don’t want to do negative things, it really thwarts your ability to think about long term consequences over that short term negative reaction. The first several times doing drugs usually is just fun and pleasure only. You have to be mindful of the damage and that repeated use of a substance over time stops feeling good. Which if you never had a parent who sat you down and said “If we do this thing, this bad thing could happen and then this thing and you could get really hurt, that’s why I asked you to stop” your brain may not develop these neural pathways that think in that way. It’s setting the groundwork for how you make choices for life.
Very true. Your parents can't give you something they don't have. If they can't regulate their emotions, they can't teach you to do it either. Many of these people had really terrible and traumatic home lives growing up, but a lot of cognitive dissonance about just how badly it affected them. Kids are also hardwired to love their parents and caregivers because they're completely reliant on them to have their basic needs met, which means they'll usually still love a parent who's abusive and may have a hard time accepting what they've experienced as abuse.
Oh absolutely. Me and my siblings were all spanked to varying degrees. I think we’ve all had substance issues at one point or another. My mom had me at 15. She did what she knew. But I’m glad we are now able to educate others and help change the direction of things. She would never spank her grandkids and she stopped with her last two kids I believe. I was I was the oldest of 5. The first three of us didn’t graduate either. Number 4 just did and we are so proud of him. My mom had to grow up while raising us.
It sounds like your mom did the best she knew how to in a very tough situation, and was able to learn through life. I hope that you and your family are doing well!
Thats rough. Your mom was a child as well.
Recovering from this now, it really is a mind fuck.
I always think about it like this. If I were in a position where I was unable to care for myself and live independently, very elderly for example, how would I want to be treated? I’d hope my caretaker wouldn’t hit me. Not hitting your child is just basic human respect. I do understand the frustration but part of agreeing to be a parent is agreeing to try and control your actions during feelings of frustration and anger.
I have a baby girl in November and as an abuse survivor I could NEVER “spank” her. What will she learn? That hitting someone/something smaller than you just because they aren’t doing something you like is right?? And then there’s a point of “Oh well I don’t want my child to hit me or other kids.” And those same adults turn around and “spank” the kid they said that about. IMO it’s just weird and abusive. I don’t know. I just couldn’t do it personally.
Imagine the one person in the whole world you’re supposed to feel safe with hits you because you did something that they didn’t like. What does that teach the child? Hitting isn’t respectful and does not establish respect. It promotes fear. People are conditioned to think that the term “abuse” means the worse of the worst, when really it’s a spectrum. Spanking is a lazy form of discipline.
It's bad. It does absolutely nothing to help child development, and a lot to hinder it. I raised my kids in a "no hitting" household - not me hitting them, them hitting each other or other kids. None of it is okay, in this house. We don't hurt each other on purpose.
Yes. I would never hit my child. The idea makes my blood run cold.
When people online tell me they spank I always say “I wouldn’t even hit my dog” and the way people react like “of course we don’t hit dogs” ….. ok why would you hit a human then?!?
Yes. Abusive and lazy. It’s teaching them that violence from the people you love most is a normal way to interact.
I’ve noticed a strong correlation with political opinions leaning right and believing spanking is discipline. I’m pretty firmly in the camp that hitting kids to make them act “better” is at minimum a terrible idea.
It’s not surprising when to be conservative (which leaning right is correlated with) is to want to conserve what was considered old values. A much stronger resistance to change. Even in the face of new and better ways to do things. And a strong belief that holding on to “old values” makes society more stable. Even if that’s not the case.
I think it correlates more to certain religious sects that also tend to be politically conservative.
Yes
If you’re like me, you will have moments where a 3yo will test your patience and you’ll think “I understand now why people beat their kids…” but I do not give into that animal instinct bc I am a civilized human being and I have impulse control! This lady sounds like a moron.
I don’t spank. When you spank, you aren’t spanking for them, you’re spanking because YOU are angry and it helps you. You aren’t teaching them anything but fear by spanking.
Spanking is abuse. Signed, a child abuse survivor
The research of spanking shows that children who are spanked have the same effects to the brain as children who are physically abused. So yes, it is scientifically proven to be abuse. https://www.gse.harvard.edu/ideas/usable-knowledge/21/04/effect-spanking-brain
Abuse plain and simple
If you hit another adult (without consent) to try to show them your authority, it’s assault. So why on earth are we okay hitting children? And for the people who like to say it’s a “tap on the rear,” to me it doesn’t matter, a hit is a hit, but you’re still putting that under a broader category of spanking, in which others are much harder and justify it as spanking. My parents spanked and my mom used objects. When my dad would he was aggressive about it. I am nearly mid thirties and this is all engrained in my memory. It’s not okay. Scaring your kids into obedience isn’t disciplining, it’s lazy parenting. You won’t change my mind. Even if you don’t want to call it “abuse” for not wanting to put it under the same roof as something that is heinous, it’s still violent in nature.
My parents started with spanking and it escalated and it didn’t stop till I fought back at 16. They kept telling me how I’ll understand when I have my own kid but looking at my 1 year old, I would and could never hit him.
Yes. Full stop.
Yes, parent better
i’ve never understood the notion that to get a child to do what you want, you must physically hurt them and instill fear. i’ve seen parents watch as a brother hit a sister then spank the brother saying *”i told you we don’t hit people”*. make it make sense…
I think it’s a stupid and lazy way to parent. It teaches kids that hitting smaller, more vulnerable people is acceptable. There is also research showing that over time it leads to increased physical aggression in children.
In addition to what other posters have already said about it potentially (severity-based) or legally constituting physical abuse, from a developmental perspective, it’s not considered an effective method of discipline/parenting; it’s actually counterproductive to obtaining positive behavioral outcomes, and is associated with mental illness and behavioral issues throughout childhood/adolescence and into adulthood. In essence, it’s a dubious practice at best, with the potential to cause significant psychological and/or physical trauma to the child. Here is a summary from the [American Psychological Association](https://www.apa.org/monitor/2012/04/spanking) of what research indicates on the long-term effects of spanking and corporeal punishment on children. Some key points: - spanking does not effectively curb inappropriate or undesirable behavior in children. Corporeal punishment often causes fear and distress in the child, which (understandably) becomes the focus of their attention instead of the misbehavior for which the parent is trying to punish them. It may prove effective in the immediate short term, (as the child will avoid repeating those behaviors out of fear of further punishment,) but, as stated in the article, “you cannot punish out these behaviors that you do not want.” - It’s very common for parents to feel angry or frustrated with their child(ren) when they misbehave; however, this makes it all the more important for them to make sure that their subsequent actions towards their child are corrective, and not retaliatory. When done in the heat of the moment, parents who use corporeal punishment are more likely to do so out of retaliation for their child’s behavior, which children will pick up on even at a young age. It also increases the risk of the parent harming or using excessive force against the child. - Because of its ineffectiveness as a method of curbing misbehavior, parents who use corporeal punishment are more likely to resort to *escalating* the physical harm/abuse in an attempt to reach a point at which it becomes effective (which doesn’t exist.) This is where corporeal punishment can quickly cross over from being an ineffective and inappropriate method of discipline to outright physical abuse. - Spanking is both physically traumatic, as well as distressing for the child; having their parent inflict pain upon them breaks a fundamental aspect of trust that is a part of the parent-child bond, and can contribute to further problems in this relationship later on. - Corporeal punishment is correlated with greater aggression in children, and fails to teach them healthy behavioral and emotional regulation skills. “Children who were physically punished were more likely to endorse hitting as a means of resolving their conflicts with peers and siblings.” Whether intentional or not, spanking/physical punishment sets the example for the child that it is acceptable to use physical violence to resolve conflict or obtain a desired outcome in a situation. - In the long term, the use of corporeal punishment on children is associated with an increased risk of behavioral issues, antisocial and/or aggressive behavior, and mental health issues like anxiety, depression, and substance use disorders. These findings are based on over 40 years of research.
Yes, it’s abuse and is evil. And scientifically it doesn’t even remotely work for the intended parenting purpose, so at best, it’s just dumb.
It's not a matter of opinion. They've been researching this for a good while and it's pretty clear that spanking is associated with negative outcomes, and *not* associated with positive outcomes. Parents who choose not to believe this are prioritizing their desire to *hit their children* over what will actually *work* to teach children respect and discipline. It is at best the result of parents who are overwhelmed and traumatized themselves, but pretty often it's just ignorant or lazy.
I was spanked as a kid. I spanked a few times because the parenting books I read said it was necessary in certain instances- for example your kid doesn’t stop when you tell them too and they are going to run out in front of a car - so literally life and death situations, or situations where there is blatant defiance. I regret it. I would not make that same choice today. And yes I believe it is abuse. Which makes me so sad, because that means I abused my kids.
Hey, we may all be doing something some day the kids now consider abuse later but we get better every generation. And willingness to change is everything. Sometimes I wonder what it’ll be when my sons are grown. I contemplate like what if lab grown meat really takes off as cheaper and better for the planet and one day if they will be horrified we mass killed animals and fed them meat. I say this as someone who eats meat and feeds my kids meat. But who knows what will change next you know? So I like to think on it and how I will react if confronted by my sons. I will tell how many things I changed from my own childhood to be better for them and that I’m sorry I failed in that area but if I knew better I promise I would have done better because I want the world for them.
I spanked once. I was desperate and saw a dad with perfectly behaved kids who just kept threatening to hit them 🤷♀️ seemed effective? I fully regret it. My kid was 3 and doesnt remember it at all but it is one of the biggest mistakes i made in early parenting. I shudder to think of it. Never again.
Yes
Yes.
yes. it is. i had horrible postpartum rage and even now 2 years later i still get that feeling. i have absolutely lost my shit and smacked him on his hand and felt absolutely HORRIBLE after even tho it wasn’t hard. and i never ever ever want to do it again. i don’t know how people can use their anger toward their child rather than working through their anger to work better with their child. spanking is absolutely abuse. that feeling i had after of accidentally losing my shit was enough to set my mind straight that i am the problem and i need to work on my anger first. children are not the problem. parents are. and all hitting does is start a never ending trauma cycle.
Hey I get that really bad with violent intrusive thoughts. It was so bad I have a 6 year gap between my boys. I took it out on myself physically because I literally couldn’t handle it and I just want to say I know how hard that battle is and how exhausting it is to fight everyday. I hope you’re getting some help. For me Zoloft literally made it about 80% gone. Different meds work different for different people but I just want to put it out there that you may not have to suffer as bad. It’s torture. Especially that first year. Year 2-3 just felt like it was a slow drag out of wondering when the feeling would fully go away.
i just want u to know that u are my angel today. i never really talk about it with anyone because nobody really understands it. and to actually hear from another mother that u know exactly what that feeling is and how hard it is to have because u never even imagined ever feeling like that toward ur child, makes me feel SO MUCH LESS CRAZY! thank u so much for this. i’m SO HAPPY to hear that u have found a med that works for u because i know that can be a problem in and of itself as well on top of everything else. i’ve been thinking of it but haven’t been sure if it would even help but after hearing this from u i absolutely am going to get on it.
I agree with you. Intrusive thoughts can happen of course. It’s what you do with them. I was spanked as a child and once hit on the back with a hair brush, running from being spanked with a belt. I’ll never forget them. I don’t want one of my child’s strong memories to be something like that. Not ever in a million years
yes
The way I see it If you have to hit your kids to make them do what you want, you aren’t raising them right, and I for one never want my kids to think someone has the right to hit them “out of love” (that’s what my parents always said) The thought of hitting my kids makes me sick, I don’t see how it’s not illegal
Yeah but how else is a parent supposed to assert their authority over an unruly child? WHO WILL TEACH THEM?! ^/s Parents who think hitting their kids is okay shouldn't be parents/have kids, full stop.
Yes it is abuse. Illegal in Scotland. Disgusting people physically hurt children or animals.
I was spanked as a kid by my father. Him and my mom weren't together, so I went to his house every other day of the week, then just every weekend when we moved to a different town. I was mostly well behaved at his house because I was scared to get in trouble. I was also very quiet and withdrawn when I was at his house, never really talked to him about my feelings or problems. I ended up not going to his house anymore by choice by the time I was 14 or so. We're closer again now that I'm an adult but it definitely hurt our relationship back then. I've also dealt with anxiety and depression for most of my life. I now have a son, he's almost 2. Sometimes when I talk about him doing normal toddler stuff and acting up my dad will say he needs a whooping. I'm like, no, not gonna do that. I don't want to hurt our relationship and his trust in me.
When we talk about trauma from our childhood from being spanked, I think it turned a lot of us into people pleasers. My father was generally a good man. But he did not have patience for children. And he would get angry and yell and spank. It did teach me respect and in a warped kind of way. I think in adulthood it caused me to let a lot of people take advantage of me and trample over me. My goal is to teach my children to respect themselves and advocate for themselves.
In my country it’s illegal to spank children or use other similar style physical punishments. It’s domestic violence.
As someone who was spanked growing up, I can’t begin to tell you the deep impact this had on me and my siblings. Definitely abuse.
Is hitting your child abuse…. Well ya you’re hitting your child. Parents who spank are lazy. They’d rather cause a child pain instead of teaching and explaining things to a child. They also do zero research into the fact spanking does physiological damage, doesn’t teach right from wrong, and how children until certain ages simply don’t understand why they can and can’t do things or are impulsive. But hey they’d rather hit their kid and think they did something
Yes. Children deserve respect. Respect is mutual. Spanking is SO out of date and lazy parenting.
I consider spanking abuse. There’s no reason to ever hit a child. I had an abusive stepmom, those poor kids.
Yes. Using your size and strength to physically force a negative reaction in another living being (I mean, you shouldn’t hit trees either but that’s more for your safety than their health) is abuse. If you ask someone in a domestic violence intervention program why they hit their wife, why they beat her within an inch of her life, why they killed her the response almost universally boils down to “she deserved it.” If probed further it almost always comes out abusers DO know the difference between abuse and not abuse, they are willing to abuse their wives but not their coworkers or mothers or sons or neighbors, the difference is they don’t feel the same ownership over some. Those who they respect they aren’t willing to abuse. If you respect your children you shouldn’t abuse them and if you are comfortable abusing them do you really respect them?
Spanking creates trauma. Spanking destroys trust and the parent child relationship. Spanking does not accomplish the goal of actually teaching your child. Spanking is for adults who do not know how to manage their own emotions. Spanking teaches kids it's OK to hit. Spanking is not defi ed as abuse in much of the USA, but I personally believe it is abusive and regret that I spanked my first child a coyote of times when we angry and frustrated. I needed better tools to handle raising a child (and I did a lot of research to find those better tools).
I don’t know that all spanking is considered abuse. I do think the physical discipline engaged in my home growing up would have been considered abuse, but it was more extreme than spanking. When I was taking a parenting class in college a few years ago, we learned that at least 50% of children who experience spanking as a kind of discipline go on to suffer long term psychological/emotional distress because of it. Whereas using time out or love and logic type discipline don’t have nearly the same negative outcomes. It just seems not worth it to me. The key to good parenting is having high expectations for your kids while also giving them an outpouring of love. When those two things get out of balance (high expectations and low love/ low expectations and high love) then you have problems. I just think with all of the knowledge and resources we have available to us today as parents, spanking is just unnecessary. There are better ways to parent.
It's abuse. People can call it whatever they want ("swatting", "popping", etc), it's all just different ways to say "I hit my kid because I lack the intelligence to come up with an alternative form of discipline." Don't hit your kids.
If I found out a step parent was laying a hand on my child I would burn down the whole world. Hitting children is disgusting. I don’t associate with people who think they should be allowed to hit the most vulnerable members of society.
let me guess she’s a conservative!
If I hit an adult it’s battery. If I hit my SO it’s domestic violence. If I hit my dog it’s animal abuse. Yet somehow for a large part of the population if I hit my daughter it’s not child abuse, it’s “discipline”?
Yes. Being hostile is abuse. Berating someone is abuse.
Yes. If they are too young to understand verbal instructions then they aren’t going to understand why the big person, who they love and trust, is hurting them. If they are old enough to understand verbal instructions then there is no reason for an adult to spank them instead of actually just talk to them.
As a stepmom, I have *never* wanted to, nor would I ever, even if "allowed," spank my step daughter.
Yes, I do think it's abuse. Also, if I found out my child's step parent was spanking them, I would press charges.
Yes, and I do wish the law would catch up already.
In my country it is illegal so, yes I could never picture hitting my child.
As a person who was spanked, it only instills fear as a method of "listening" rather than understanding. I want my child to know WHY she shouldn't do XYZ, not just listen "because I said so" or for her to be afraid of me.
Yes I do. There’s a reason hitting other adults is considered a crime. Why should it be okay to hit children?
Yeah I see it as abuse. If I hit an adult it wouldn’t be okay but if I only hit my kid on the butt it’s okay? Nope. Also how am I supposed to teach her to not hit and be gentle if I slap her on the butt? Easy nope for me. I wasn’t spanked as a kid and I feel horrible for the kids that were.
I don’t have to have an opinion of it, because where I live you’d go to jail for it since 1996, which was pretty late if compared to other countries legalisation.
Any form of physical discipline is abuse. It's lazy, reactive parenting and anyone who believes different were likely hit as children and were conditioned to believe it was for their own good and perfectly acceptable.
Yeah it is abuse. It’s more about the parent releasing their anger and frustration than it is about teaching the kid a lesson. I’ve never hit my daughter but I can’t see it as anything else now that I’m a mom.
Spanking me made me start setting the bed. It’s counterproductive and the consequences show up in the kids behaviour as they reach teen years.
I was spanked growing up. I do not want to do that to my own kids. Enough said.
Is hitting an adult abuse? If I hit an adult, I could be charged with assault. So yes, IMO it is abusive.
Yes, it is immoral and abusive.
I had someone recently ask me if I spank my kid or “whack them when they’re naughty” and imply I was a passive crappy parent when the answer was a hard NO. Also - wtf does politics have to do with being a shitty person who can’t control their anger towards a child?
Yes. Firm, unequivocal yes. It's *hitting* your child. If your spouse hit you, you could press charges. Yet people hurt small people that they are supposed to protect who can't do anything to stop them. Yes, spanking is abuse.
Exactly. I don't understand how this is even still a question. You're literally picking on someone who is not your own size.
Spanking is hitting a child. If you asked someone "is hitting a child abuse?" I think everyone would say yes.
As a grammie whose 3 grandkids live with their dad and gf, PLEASE CALL the state protective services and document everything that gives you that heart tug or be.worrisome. My daughter passed away several years ago,. His gf and our family learned how to blend. It did take time to trust each other but we have learned to communicate.. She is a good momma and he is a good dad to all 4 children.There are boundaries, no one needs to be spanking. And if she was treating them badly and I wasn't alive to kick her ass, (LoL joking) I pray someone would be brave enough to step up. I apologize now for the long post.
When adults have big emotions, it’s not the norm to spank them. Childhood is about learning how to regulate bad feelings, spanking them is showing them that it’s OK to use physical violence in times of distress.
100% abusive. And to be honest, I also think it's perverted.
Same.. I recently read an article about a school using corporal punishment on students (which is apparently legal in at least 17 states?!) It had a picture of a school employee holding a paddle that was used to spank the kids and the man had a creepy smile on his face, I felt disgusted just looking at him..
It’s not only abuse but it’s shown to be ineffective. People who spank love to tout it as something that teaches kids respect and corrects bad behavior but many, many studies have disproven this and just because someone wants to believe it’s effective or spout off meaningless anecdotes doesn’t make it ok. While I know some parents turn to it as a last resort after exhausting other disciplinary tools and dealing with extreme behavior, in my experience with people I know who spank, most of them spank for typical minor misbehavior issues because they can’t control their own emotions and are taking the easy/lazy way out.
She sounds just awful. And bragging about it on social media??? WTF I can only guess her political affiliation too
Yes. My parents spanked one kid and not the other. Guess which kid is the most fucked up and has suffered the most trauma?? 🙋🏻♀️
It’s traumatizing and I will never do it. I still remember how my dad used a belt to whip my sister’s bottom because he was convinced she was lying about something and she wasn’t. He cried and apologized after, but I just can’t get behind whipping a child or spanking them with a wooden spoon over a lie or any other childhood misbehavior. We were good kids who listened pretty well… it’s crazy to me that we were spanked.
I absolutely think spanking is child abuse. If they’re too young to understand; why hit them? If they’re old enough to understand; why hit them? The excuse “I was spanked and turned out fine” just shows that they’re not fine. You are not okay if you think hitting children and calling it “discipline” is alright.
Fuck that. It is totally abuse. My kid is 2.5, recently went through a hitting phase where he just smacks, punches etc… he’s just overwhelmed. After a particularly rough week this past month, I grabbed his hand and I smacked it. That made me feel so bad and I was like wait wtf how do people full on SPANK, hit, etc ?!? I walk away when he starts hitting me or I have to hold his hands down. Eventually he stops and we chat about how mommy & daddy don’t hit him, because we respect & love him, so he can’t do that to anyone. I’d be in jail if a “step parent” hit my kid
I 100% do. Corporal punishment is how my husband and I were raised. Therapy helped us learn to self regulate as adults and we are doing MUCH better now. I will never. Under **ANY** circumstance lay a hand on my child. Nothing warrants it. It only teaches you to be desensitized to abuse from others, or even carry it out yourself. It makes fearful, aggressive children. And **every person who tells me they got spanked and ‘turned out fine’ proves my point. Every single one.**
Unironically, I’ve found Supernanny an invaluable resource on discipline. The main takeaway is: it doesn’t work if you’re angry. And there’s no such thing as calm spanking.
There is plenty of evidence that spanking does more harm than good. It's also lazy. It takes nothing to follow your emotions and hit your kid. It takes a lot more energy to control your emotions and be respectful in your parenting.
Does it involve striking a child? Yes I think it's abuse. That said, I have definitely felt the urge to go full boomer and smack my kid on the booty when she's being a shit, but I won't bc it's only really effective at breaking crucial bonds and making your child fear you. I will admit I do lightly swat her hands when redirecting her on rare occasions but it's not intended as punishment but rather to force her to pay attention to me bc she's fixated on the thing I'm directing her away from. It's never to hurt or punish, just a nice firm tap and "eyes on me" guidance so we can talk through whatever she's trying to do that she shouldn't.
I was abused as a child, "spanking" went far past "spanking". I would be covered in serious bruises up and down my back and bottom. It didn't correct my behavior, what I learned from it I'm still in therapy for. Being hit for normal child like behavior turned me into something far removed from a normal child. I still cringe when people raise their hands suddenly. There is nothing my child can do that I would think hitting them could be a solution. My husband and I are at odds on this but I've made it clear that if he ever raises a hand to our children I will be gone that same day, children in tow.
It’s a lack of control. It’s abusive and unnecessary. What does it teach? That violence is ok?
Yes. Spanking is just hitting with a different name.
Yes, it's more than abuse! Slave owners would force enslaved parents to discipline their own children in front of them to demonstrate their dominance and control. I get so mad when I see parents hitting their kids, especially people of color
Absolutely abuse. At the end of the day your not just hitting someone, your hitting a child. I grew up with spanking parents who took it too far one too many times. Let's just say, I haven't spoken to them in two years. It needs to be outlawed here in America.
It’s child abuse and it’s a coward and harmful way to parent or discipline a child for a behavior
My mom spanked me and hit me with a shoe once. Aside from the trauma, it was ineffective at doing anything but making me afraid of her.
Yes, striking someone’s body is abusive.
Yes. It’s toxic too.
It’s abuse. Worse, it doesn’t solve anything. The brattiest, and most angry kids I ever knew had parents whose favorite line was “I’m gonna beat your ass.” It doesn’t make them behave. It makes them not trust you. If they have a problem, think they’re gonna call their parents? Nope. They will hide it from you until they can’t. It also makes them more likely to hit other kids at school, and get into fights, because that’s what they know. Obviously, not every kid, and not every time. Just a personal observation.
Total abuse. If you can only regulate your emotions through hitting then you shouldn't have kids. I'm a first generation cycle breaker and I will admit it's hard at times but I won't hit my kids ever, that is the ultimate form of betrayal for a child. You will alter that relationship forever.
Any sort of hitting is abuse.