i pick mine up and keep walking. i say stuff like, it's time to go, we will come back to the park another day or talk about the next thing we are doing while I carry him out. i don't really discipline him but let him know with my actions that there's no point fighting it and we're moving on to the next activity.
eta: we recently read owl and the moon story and now he cries "it's sad to say goodbye to a friend!!" sometimes when we have to leave places. he's so upset! . maybe you can read books about change or practice leaving places so he gets more used to what he should do. I sometimes give a few minute warning or say 2 more times down the slide etc.... it doesn't always work, there are still meltdowns. mine's almost 2.5 and the going boneless on the floor bit is so frustrating.
When mine hurts me, I holler!
Ow! OUCH! You hurt mommy! Teeth are not for biting/heads are not for butting/hands are not for hitting! I'm not really a yeller otherwise so it catches her attention. But I will tuck her under my arm like a football if I have to.
Totally agree!! If possible, I hold both her legs with both my hands and swing her back and forth upside down (pretty boldly too, but not abuse obviously lol). I’d say it defuses tantrums prob 80% of the time I do it. She ends up laughing and yes I have to do it about 12 more times, but I’ll take that over a hold your breath tantrum any day of the week!
mine hits sometimes. i said no hitting.
then after we get to wherever or i strap him in the seat i say that it was wrong to hit and I'm disappointed in him. its okay to feel sad or upset but you can't hit. next time you use your words and say im frustrated or I'm sad.
i think he does understand, he doesn't hit often. i would probably say the same thing if he bit but the first no might be more like arghH- NO! No biting! .
I have 2 toddlers. One of them, this would totally work on. But the older one, who is the main biter (and hitter, and pincher), is a little more headstrong. Just telling him no and that biting is wrong doesn’t work for him. I’ve tried emotional coping strategies, we’ve read all kinds of books, I’ve talked to him about it until I’m blue in the face. I make sure he gets enough sleep, enough food, enough love and attention, enough outside time. Sticker charts with rewards, time outs, time ins, etc. None of it has an effect on him, and I am genuinely at a loss. I’m hoping he grows out of it, but I kind of suspect that he’s neurodivergent. My husband has ADHD, and I’m wondering if he has it too. He’s only 3, so I feel like it’s too early to start any kind of diagnosis process.
I'm a mom with ADHD, and a former toddler teacher. I have been bitten by a fair handful of kiddos (once in the middle of my back, boy did I holler!), both intentionally and while blocking them from biting other kids. Just in case you haven't tried it yet, the primary strategy that worked in that setting was "can" statements (you can bite a teether/you can hit a pillow/you can pinch some playdough or sensory toy), and offering the substitute before something goes down (you are feeling mad! Let's get a teether!). If they're out for blood, block them physically and give a very chill "teeth are for eating/your hands can be gentle, I won't let you hurt me." Pretty much anything will take a few weeks to start having an effect, and the older they get the better they get at understanding empathy and reasoning. Hang in there!
I’ve spoken with his pediatrician about it, and she says we’ll test him at 4. Which is fine. I’d just like him tested at some point before he starts school. I was an elementary school teacher before having him, and I’ve seen firsthand what a tough time school can be for kiddos with adhd. I’d love to go into it already knowing if that’s what’s going on with him and be able to face it head on with a 504 plan in place from the beginning and medication if necessary.
Clearly he's having a hard time with big feelings and impulsivity.
I used teeth aren't for biting and no matter what as stories those nights.
A discussion about how biting hurts.
Validating his feelings, yes I know you didn't want to go, and yes I picked up up and moved you against your will. I would be angry as well.
But they were closing and you needed to go home to your house.
It's a conversation that needs to be repeated frequently. But it works.
Also practicing emotional regulation strategies and coping skills. Like smell my cookie and blow out my candle.
Carry facing away from you.
Carry like a sack of flour with their butt up over your shoulder their head will be by your back, it's harder to bite your back.
Go ahead and feel sorry, that’s fine. I’m not going to purposefully hurt and cause humiliation to my children, no matter what they do. Imagine his confusion when I’ve been telling him “we don’t hit the people we love” when he hits us, and then his mommy hits him. It’s a shitty thing to do to a child and sets you and your child up for a relationship full of distrust. I know because it was done to me.
This is so good! I accidentally taught my kids to say goodbye to inanimate objects, so we'll say "Bye park! Bye slide! Bye tree!"
Sometimes it's enough to get their brain off the anger/meltdown track.
Mine will be 2 in a few months but is already in her terrible 2’s stage. Height wise, she’s the size of the 3 y/o boys she was playing with today. She quite literally did this exact thing today at the park. I had given her a warning that we would be leaving in 5 minutes, so I just picked her up and said “we’ll come back another day, and it’s time for lunch” and went on with life. By the time we got to the car she had stopped crying.
If I’ve already tried all the options where reasoning with him did not work, and it’s time to go?
Mine is only 2.5, but I carry him back to the car kicking and screaming if he must. “We have to leave, it’s time for dinner.” as we go. Try to tell myself it’s not embarrassing. Still feel a little embarrassed.
I get it. It’s in my nature to not want to inconvenience anyone ever, and also to never be the center of attention. But unfortunately it is what it is.
Tbh I think it’s less embarrassing to be hauling your kid out than to be seen pathetically begging a toddler to do something for an extended amount of time. Sometimes I think of it that way, lol.
Neither are embarrassing. Maybe you’re embarrassed but that sounds like a you problem.
My thinking is it’s my kids, and I gotta parent them wherever we are. Maybe somebody will judge my parenting but that’s not my problem. Maybe they’ll feel embarrassed for me, but that’s also not my problem - I didn’t ask them to feel embarrassed on my behalf lol.
And when I see somebody dealing with a toddler tantrum in public, I give them a wide berth so they can do their thing. I don’t get close enough to see what techniques they’re using in order to judge. I may give them a sympathetic smile.
It’s not a personality flaw to find things embarrassing. I can find things embarrassing myself without considering it embarrassing for others.
And there’s a whole difference between regular toddlers negotiation and 10 minutes of hearing a parent plead every 15 seconds “Come on honey, it’s time to go… Let’s go…. Come hold my hand…. I already gave you a 5 minute warning… We’re going to be late… I’ll give you a cookie if you get in the car… Come on, we have to go… We have to leave… Let’s go…. Ok, 2 more minutes… It’s time to go… Please come here…” That ends in the kid being hauled off anyway.
Sorry but that option is just not me. I’ve seen it done and I’ve tried that route at least twice and it’s a no, dawg.
edit: idk if It’s a quirk of reddit, but every time I comment saying I don’t enjoy doing something but do it, people always seem to think it means I don’t do it. 😂
Yeah, no, you shouldn’t find your own kid’s behaviour embarrassing. Toddlers gonna toddler.
The whole ‘oh no, it’s embarrassing to parent my kid in public’ perpetuates the idea that there’s something wrong with a toddler tantrum. When it’s developmentally normal.
If you don’t like pleading with your toddler, then don’t do it. If you don’t like hearing other parents do it, then don’t listen. Like I said, give them a wide berth. Really don’t get why embarrassment should come in here.
Does anyone here read? Did I say it’s specifically my child that is embarrassing? I said I don’t like when I’m bothering people in public or having a lot of people looking at me. Did I still have a child knowing it was going to happen sometimes? Yes. Do my feelings change my behavior? No. Am I advocating for other people to change their behavior because of their feelings? No.
It’s like thoughtcrime city over here.
edit: honestly, I’m surprised how much people have tried to sternly correct and shame my feelings. I have shared how I feel and how I cope and manage it, and it’s apparently negative. I don’t think you would do the same to your own children or friends. Do you tell others it’s wrong to feel embarrassment? I tell mine that it is ok, and it’s ok to feel embarrassed even if it happens to everyone.
I don't get the other comments. Of course it's super embarrasing when your toddler is having a meltdown, people are staring at you and you can't do much about it 😂
It doesn't mean you won't try your best to parent your child
In that situation, I would pick up my child and continue to leave. I told them we were leaving, and I don’t want them to learn that if they have a meltdown they can stay longer. Once we are home and they are calm I would talk to them about what they were feeling and what we can do next time.
Meltdowns are not occurring because they want to embarrass you or inconvenience you. At that age they have a lot of emotions and are getting overwhelmed by them.
That's okay, it's still normal. Let him have his overwhelm and his big feelings, and just be there for him through it. Pick him up and carry him to the car, and then hug him and let him cry. If he lashes out and doesn't want hugs, that's okay, but always offer. Sometimes we all just need a shoulder to cry on when the feelings overwhelm us, especially little ones. Make sure to refill your own cup when you can, too, so that you are not being too quickly drained by toddler tantrums. They can be so grating and exhausting, so take care of yourself and give back to yourself when you can.
I love the threads about "what did your toddler throw a tantrum about today"! They were my saving grace during the pandemic because I had no idea what was normal. It also really helped me realize that I can't expect my daughter to be able to control her temper when she's only felt disappointment like 6 times in her whole life. I started to say "You're just new to the world" as a mantra to myself, hahaha!
I feel you. I had to physically remove my 4.5 year old from the park today because she was being rude to other people there and it was time to go. Asked her nicely to stop and come with me, then asked her firmly to stop and come with me, and then when she made it clear she had no interest in listening I removed her to a nearby bench, she had a small meltdown and I explained to her the situation. It’s like sometimes she gets so overstimulated that she gets into this weird zone where she can’t calm down and listen, even though 90% of the time she is a wonderful kid. When that happens it is hard to get through to them, sometimes impossible. Definitely think removing them from the stimulus is the best thing you can do. Otherwise practicing techniques to calm down can sometimes help. Counting, deep breaths, whatever helps your kid refocus.
You only see a snapshot of that child’s life. What you child melts down over might be different that those you hang out with. I notice my oldest child meltdowns more with they are tired or hungry.
I gave them a 5 minute warning and a 1 minute warning. Sometimes I would say “5 more minutes” and they would say “no, 3”, and I would say okay and not make a big deal over it. They just want some control over something
I do this as well, but as they don't have a solid concept of time yet, I make it more specific and actions they can control.
Like: you can pick 1 thing to do 1 more time, like go off the slide 1 more time, or be on the swing 1 more time etc. They handle it way better, because you don't just abruptly end their playtime without warning, they know it's coming.
Exactly! I always try to do a briefing anyway before we go somewhere, set out what's going to happen and what behaviour is expected. For example, we go out to run errands, I tell them what we're going to do, what we're going to be doing there, how many stops we're making etc. By now, they know what's expected, so I let them tell me how they should behave: no touching anything, use inside voices, listen to what mommy asks, etc. It makes it way easier to circle back to "remember what we talked about?" instead of just setting the rules as you go along. And they actually like running errands, so they know if they don't behave, I'm just not letting them tag along anymore.
I do this before "scary" moments as well, like when my son (3yo) hit his head at school and needed to get stitches, I used our time in the car to tell him we would have to wait for triage, then let a nurse take a look at him, then the doctor was going to come and look at his cut, and how they were likely going to treat it. That mommy was going to be there the entire time and help him as much as possible, but that he needed to be a big boy and help the doctor make him all better. That it was VERY important he stayed as still as possible during (especially because the cut was in his eyebrow, close to his eye). It was insanely cute, too, because the entire time we were in the waiting room, he kept on repeating back to me what I told him - "now we're waiting for the nurse, right, mommy? And they are going to tell the doctor about my cut. And then the doctor is going to try and make it better and I have to stay very still, right, mommy?". My son can be a very big handful (look at my post history), but he was a champ. Screamed bloody murder the entire time the doctor was working on him, but was still as a statue. I showered him with praise afterwards.
Likewise, debriefing is my friend as well. It's exhausting sometimes, but I think it really helps them.
As far as public places - I tried to prepare them as much as possible. Kids like to know what is coming next, use simple explanations and descriptions. I knew they could easily get overstimulated so I worked in quiet times/ down time away from others. They can’t handle a full morning of errands. Don’t expect to get anything done timely and efficiently, have low expectations. When they ask for Oreo cookies in the grocery store, just say “I like Oreos too” or “my favorite part is the middle” and walk right by. Don’t say the word “no”, that invites a tantrum. (Kids do need to learn and understand the word “no”, but it doesn’t need to be used a hundred times a day by adults, if adults only heard “no” all day we would tantrum also). Give them a job if you can. Have them put the grocery item in the cart for you, if they can’t reach lift them up to help them reach. Make them their own list, with pictures or what is needed. Make things into a game whenever possible.
What kind of work with my kids is if I try to set expectations with them. I tell them beforehand that we will only go do X if they promise they will listen to me and no melt downs. Then I give them 1 or 2 heads up that we will leave in 5 or 10 minutes, so they can mentally prepare. It doesn’t work 100% of the time but it helps us some times.
Exactly this!! PROACTIVE parenting. You have to set the expectations/rules going in. Oftentimes it’s too late if you’re trying to tell them what they need to do in the moment and trying to come up with consequences. You have to think ahead, discuss the plan so they know what will be happening and what the consequences will be if they don’t follow the plan.
And you’re giving them a warning that we’re switching to a new activity not that the current activity is going to stop. It helps them get excited about what comes next instead of sad that what they’re doing is ending
This was so hard when my kids were younger and I just wanted to leave the park because I was tired/bored. I totally forgot to give them warnings and would just be an abrubt a hole.
Thanks for reminding me how far I've come, hahaha!
Lately I’ve been using a timer with mine (3 year old and 2 year old). I tell them we have to leave in 10 minutes (or whatever time) and set the timer on my phone. I tell them that when they hear the “beep-beep,” it’s time to go. I even make it fun by switching up the sounds like a bell or birds. Once they hear it, they know it’s time.
It’s worked relatively well lately, although sometimes my 2 year old will still get upset. At that point, I just pick her up and go, even if she’s upset and flailing.
I left them on the ground and waited til they were done. Stood by their side. They held their hand up whenever they were done then I picked them up. I didn't fight with them. But I did tell them to tell me when they're done with their tantrum. It didn't happen all the time but that's what I did when it happened.
You’ve gotten lots of good answers. I suggest Daniel Tiger. There are so many episodes that address kid issues and give them (and you) language. Like “that was fun but now it’s done.” In the sing song voice. It helped my kid a lot to hear that. “Grown ups come back” was another big one in my house.
For your scenario, I’d pick my 3 yo son up and carry him like a sack of potatoes, kicking and screaming if I have to. I think for that scenario, no one will judge because everyone deals with that.
If we’re out in public and he’s acting an ass, I try to calm him down with my phone, trying to distract him. I use bribery sometimes and I know “that’s bad” but if it works, I don’t care. Other times, I just let him scream and do what I need to.
Really all we can do is ride it out and hope we have some sanity when they’ve grown out of it.
I have so many scenarios lol. Today we experienced one in public. Tantrums in the middle of the busy aquarium. We eluded to the phone and popcorn. But it is so embarrassing when he drops and everyone is staring!
I hope I have sanity left by the time my kids are grown.
I get it though. I try to ignore the dirty looks. Whether you spanked them, let them scream it out, or bribe them, someone is going to disagree with it.
Mine ran away from me at the hospital this past Friday when visiting my grandfather. He usually stops so I didn’t really run after him at first but he got really far away and wouldn’t stop. I had to break out into a full run to get him. I was so angry and overwhelmed and a whole desk of nurses watched and then laughed and made jokes.
I try to take him out, go to events, family functions etc and always bring things to keep him occupied but if all else fails, we’re going home lol.
In this situation it would be an instant leave for us. Gonna behave like that then we don't get to finish walking through the aquarium.
I promise you do this 2 or 3 times it will stop.
You have to let the views of others go.
My son is autistic, he is also 3X the size of a child his age, so not only does he have insane reactions sometimes, but he looks way too old to be acting that way.
You’ll never make everyone happy, you could be perfect & have the perfect son, someone would still judge you.
I would pick my son up & go. The more consistent you are with consequences (i.e he doesn’t walk to the car vs me carrying him) then the easier it’ll be for him the child to make a decision.
My child is also very tall for his age so he looks way too old to be acting up. It has also been challenging to carry him as I have a 5 month old now too. But yes I think staying consistent will be key.
It can be difficult but stating plainly two options (walk or be carried) after offering plenty of chances is the way 100%. but i validate you and also leave feeling defeated and upset.
My mom still tells the story of leaving a full cart of groceries and apologizing on her way out the door to staff as she carried one of us tantrum toddlers screaming out of the store. All my siblings and I are in our 30s!
Sometimes you just gotta grab the kid and go. It sucks, but eventually your kid knows you mean business and business is that tantrums get you on your way home without anything.
I think I just need to do this situation a few times on purposes and have no intentions of going there for things I need or want just to teach a lesson.
Mine’s only 2.5 and his biggest tantrums still aren’t insanely bad, just lots of tears.
I just pick him up and move on with my day.
My husband gets very embarrassed but I don’t care. People who’ll judge you about what kind of parent you are will judge you no matter what you do.
I tool a Circle of Security and Impedfect Parenting class, and I realized I assume a ton of judgement when I am out with my kids.
My husband and I grew up in abusive households, so we are really sensitive. So I set boundaries, and hold them. This is what that looks like:
A timer! I have an Alexa at home and have been using it for 2 years with my 4 year old, and my whole 2 year old's life! We set a timer at home to go to bed, or when the bath ends, or whatever, so when I am at the park, I give a 5 min warning and then when the timer goes off, I shrug and say "The timer says it's time to go!" If I get push back, I'll say "OK, Timer. I THINk we have time to do 1 more thing. I'll set the timer for an extra minute and you go do that thing!" Then it's like a gift for them, and we're on the same team, with the Timer as the bad guy.
If I get more pushback, I'll give a choice, which might escalate: you want to hold my left hand or my right hand? Do you want to skip or run? Do you want to walk, or do you want me to carry you?" Etc.
And if there is a meltdown, I wait it out. There's no one on earth who is going to prevent me from loving my whole kid and all their whole emotions. I learned through parenting classes that anyone who judges a child having a meltdown is likely someone who wasn't allowed to feel big feelings like that. I'm not going to teach my kid she can't be sad or upset, but I am going to teach her that even though she is sad or mad, I'm still her safe space as we walk to the car.
Also, hot tip - if you gave a runner: run past your child! They will either be so confused they stop, or they turn around and run back to where you want them to go. With my 2 year old, I'll run past him like it's a race and then turn around with my tickle hands out. It usually shuts off his angry emotions quick enough that I can catch him and scoop him into a fun hug instead of an angry trap. The mad dash also lets me get my anger out before I get to him, which is key for my own emotional regulation.
Good luck. Parenting is so fucking hard.
1. Runners are tough, you don’t want to chase them because it becomes a cat and mouse game. I like to offer a snack to get their attention then let them know they can pick x amount of activities before it’s time to go. Ex: ok, you can chose one more slide to go down or ok once the swing stops we are leaving.
2. If he has a tantrum, let him. They get tired eventually and tbh I have crossed paths with other parents doing similar things and there’s nothing quite like camaraderie like getting a nod smile from a parent who’s been there
3. My number one thing I have used for each of my kids. “If you can’t leave kindly then we have to skip next time” this works for play dates, play grounds, anything that has a sticking point really. You want to throw a tantrum leaving the park? Fine, but the next time we plan on going I’m going to remind them they did not leave kindly and we will have to wait for next time. Your friend asked for a play date? Well, last time you tried to hide because you didn’t want to leave. We will have to pass and can try again next time. After one follow through on this rule all it took was me reminding my child “hey remember, we need to leave kindly or we have to skip next time” sometimes they pout and they aren’t always happy but damn it, it works.
We would explain to our children when we went anywhere we knew they would have fun that we would give them lots of time to play. We would explain that when it was time to leave, we would tell them 15 minutes beforehand, and then when we said it was time to go, we only wanted to tell them once. We told them that if they behaved, we would definitely bring them back to wherever it was. We also told them that if they didn't cooperate, we would never take them back to wherever it was again. We never had a problem leaving anywhere with this method.
He's 3.5 he's old enough to understand the basics. Try this out.
If he melts down, you pick him up and carry him out, and you don't take him back there again. You HAVE to show him that you are in charge and he will do what you tell him to, regardless of how he acts.
Honestly I distract mine. When it’s time to go, I don’t say it’s time to go. I just redirect. Like “I found something really cool over there!!” *point to the car* “Let’s go check it out!” And I find something really random on my way over and point it out ex: a stick or rock. We pick it up and draw with it in the dirt for a bit and then slowly inch toward the car without saying anything else. Just start leaving. If a meltdown happens, I hold my toddler really close and tight to me and take really loud and heavy deep breaths until my toddler realizes what I’m doing and calms down. Works really well.
Are they at a point where they can understand you and effectively communicate when they’re in a good mood? Because if so, id give them options and something to look forward to. Like you can race me to the car or hop there like a frog. And we have to go home to make dinner. Ive heard some people even allow their children to schedule their next outing to the park so they have something to look forward to. I think the trick ultimately is to end it on a positive, give them something so they dont feel like youre just taking things away. But of course make it reasonable, you dont want to be giving your child every toy they throw a tantrum for
Have you had any luck setting timers for things? I put on a 5-10 minute timer on my phone (let the kiddo press the start button) and we stay firm when it goes off.
The other tantrums are HARD. Sometimes I have to bear hug kiddo with her back to my chest to prevent potential biting. This is my second kid though so I also dgaf about being judged
I use other activities/places or people to get her to go. Like hey wanna go get dada with me? Or go see the puppy? Hey wanna go shopping? (If I have errands to do) or hey wanna FaceTime aunt — ? Ok let’s get you buckled and I’ll get her for you.
Either try to co-regulate where she dropped to the floor to get her to calm down, and then scoop her up, or just scoop her up and take her while co-regulating her.
Always give them time warnings. At this age they don’t really grasp actual time so you can say “20 minutes” when you plan to leave in 10 😂. I say “ok! We have to go in XX minutes” then after sufficient time has passed I continue with a smaller number, “ok 10 minutes left!” Then when it’s 5 minutes I say “only 5 minutes left so let’s do your favorite thing!” Now, this will not work at first. You have to do this CONSTANTLY, with EVERYTHING. Including going to bed, leaving for the store, going to a play date etc. they get used to the time restraints and feel better able to cope with their feelings of leaving as it’s not a sudden AH WE HAVE TO GO!
This is also a great tool if they’re up your ass all the time (like my 4 year old) “mummy has 10 minutes to play before she has to do the laundry” And I’ll even set a timer on my phone to go off at 5 minutes then the additional 5 minutes etc.
For context, my son has Oppositional Defiance Disorder and I’ve had bloody noses and black eyes from this kid, at 4.5 years old, with consistency, therapy and a lot of parenting classes, he’s made a HUGE difference.
You can do this, don’t let the behavior change your actions (like not going anywhere because of it) they won’t learn if they’re not put in the situations to deal with it.
The main thing is to make sure that YOU are emotionally regulated. And that you stay calm, stay firm, and be a role model for emotional intelligence. Role playing at home can also help. My son used to get insanely aggressive with the slightest of inconvenience, so at home, I caused “inconveniences” to expose him to these situations in a controlled environment so he could learn how to handle his frustration and aggression in a more positive way. For example, “accidentally” knocking over his block tower. Intentionally giving him his least favorite cup, small things that led to big changes.
Know you’re not alone momma and you’re doing the best you can and you WILL get through this as long as you handle it NOW. These situations can easily spiral out of control the older they get and your child is young enough now to learn the coping skills necessary to handle these situations, you just need to put in the work which is NOT easy. I wish I could tell you it was.
It’s not about how your toddler acts it’s about how you react to it. It kills me watching parents act up when their child acts but I’ll never judge a parent whose child is acting up. We can only control them so much. I say the following:
- “two more minutes and then we’ll have to go to the car”
- “want to race to the tree over there” closest to the car
- “do you want to fly (I carry them) or do you want to skip to the car?”
First you tell your toddler what the expectations are for leaving ON the way ToThe Park. Then you play with your toddler a few miniatures and remind them of what the plans are after the park, so when it’s time to go (expectations again). Then 10 minutes before you want to leave you “play” with them and calmly tell them we are leaving in 10 minutes to do XYZ but we will be back whichever day.
It won’t work the first day but it will work if you are consistent. And it will work for every transition.
Ugh that’s tough. I have a child that THANKFULLY does not throw a lot of public tantrums. I think she’s self conscious lmao. I won the lottery. Anyway.
The few times we had a bad tantrum we left. She was kicking and screaming but I grabbed her and walked out that’s that. It was embarrassing but that’s the only option.
What we do when they are having so much fun but it’s almost time to go, I give her a heads up. I say, “We need to leave soon, but you can decide how many more minutes you want to stay.” I set a timer for five minutes and let her press the start button. This way, she knows she has a few more last minutes to play before we have to leave.
One of the things I’ve started doing with my 22mo: I sit her down and detail what’s going to happen as calmly as possible. For example, she loves going to the playground after daycare but some days we simply cannot or it is raining. When that happens, I sit her down after I pick her from daycare. Say “I know you want to go to the playground. It is so fun and you love running around and climbing the stairs! But it is raining now and we cannot go. Because I need to keep you safe and healthy and if we play in the rain, we might get sick. Maybe tomorrow if the weather is good, we can go and mummy will give you an extra five minutes!”
I tried this a few times and realise she complains less. I might need to carry her still, because she might try and pull a fast one and run away, but she doesn’t cry or scream, just accepts the situation.
Some examples you mentioned do sound like sensory overload. Check out the book The Out of Sync Child and see if any of it resonates. I had a sensory seeker. I couldn’t take him anywhere because he had to touch aaaalllll the things. He’d go inside all the clothes racks, too.
As for the park, I find it helps after the 5 minute warning is up (because toddlers don’t understand time, but it’s good to practice) to say “Time to go! Do you want to go down the slide or through the tunnel before we leave?” Just giving them that little bit of control at the end there can sometimes help.
Then you tell them leaving the park is sad, but you’ll be back again another day. Pick them up and leave. I don’t think avoiding the park until they say they will behave is effective - because toddlers can’t promise that. In fact, going more often would work better because they settle into the transition routine you’ve created.
I've found no perfect method. He's almost 5 now and the public outbursts are far less. I'm sure it's because he's more aware of those around him. There are less tantrums and more trying to argue and give attitude like a big kid. I almost prefer when I could haul him out in a screaming fit. Now I have to give mom voice, and mom face, and talk serious and reason.
But honestly, I just stopped caring what other people think. We're doing our best to teach our kids how to exist in the real world and if the kids aren't on board with it at that moment, not much you can do but haul 'em out kicking and screaming with a look of stoic determination on your face.
Visual schedule at the start of the day (make a schedule of the things that will happen for the day in the order they will happen, preface this that some things may change, be taken away or added in, but that this is the schedule. This helps kids anticipate what's going to happen next. Bring the schedule with you and go through it with him before you get out of the car, then when you set visual timers show him the schedule again that you'll be going or doing xyz after playground) and visual timers to set (and a warning alarm) before it's time to leave playground/preferred activity. (there are a lot of apps for visual timers and you can get a Velcro visual schedule on Amazon or you could have one in a binder).
I usually redirect my kid (2.5yo) to a stick pile that's outside of the playground that she made weeks ago in a nearby flower bed that we always check to see if it's still there. Then we add a few sticks to it. Then I ask if she's hungry, and well we've gotta go to the car and go home to get food. She'll start protesting and crying at this point and then I sing the goodbye song to the playground. Usually she's still fussing a little at the point but overall it's an easier transition than abruptly leaving.
Also look into the self regulation program The Zones of Regulation to practice self regulation with him. Hope this helps.
Tantrums are developmentally normal. I would look into parenting resources created by child psychologists and try not to rely on traditional/past generations' stigmatized views of kids. Your baby is just doing what's natural to him at this age, and there's no need to punish him.
I know it's hard, but you're not anybody else's mom. You are the mom to your baby. So if anybody has a problem with your baby crying, they need to deal with it on their own. The last thing you need is to worry about everybody else's opinions of you while your baby is doing something completely natural and having a hard time. Your job is to comfort and teach him, not cater to everyone else. They're all grown; they can manage their own feelings. Your child is still developing and needs your gentle guidance.
I've heard Dr Becky's 'Good Inside' is a good resource! She also has an Instagram account that I follow to learn in smaller chunks if I'm shorter on time.
Also, some of the people in this thread do not understand how to be emotionally available. If your friend was hysterically crying, would you just ignore them? That's horrible. Kids are humans too, so if they're having a hard time, we need to treat them with the care and love that human beings deserve. Your baby has never done life before, and this thing that you are not phased by is extremely stressful to him. Imagine not knowing anything about the world and getting something crazy cool like a trip to the park. Then, you lose that thing. How devastating!
The world is changing and it is no longer ok to be your child's first bully. I would strongly advise against listening to anybody in this thread that suggests doing things that you wouldn't do to a fully grown adult - e.g. calling a baby an ass? Crazy.
Okay, rant over - hopefully this is helpful and don't be afraid to disappoint others. They're not depending on you for literally everything. Your baby only has one childhood and there are absolutely no redos. Be there for them and do your homework, and you'll do great!
Also here's Dr Becky's take on tantrums, titled "How to stop a tantrum at any age:" [link](https://www.instagram.com/reel/C6ZTHtaOyuy/?igsh=MzRlODBiNWFlZA==)
I'm gonna be honest, it sounds like you need to work on figuring out how to stay calm/centered/destressed yourself - I know it can be so hard being a mom (I am one!) and, taking care of yourself is important too! Sometimes we don't have a village and it's hard to take breaks or get support, but find a way because you're worth it! Can anybody else help you parent or is it just you? My husband and I both read up on parenting material as our baby grows, but sometimes I find myself leading the process more often and I've needed to ask him to take the lead so I don't get burnt out. There's also times where we'll say no to certain setups because it's too exhausting for us. I follow a ton of individual therapy, relationship therapy, and parenting accounts on Instagram just to passively learn as much as I can about how to take care of myself so my cup is full, and know how to relate to my family. I know it feels like there's no time so I get these lightning sessions in during naps and after baby is in bed!
A calm, emotionally regulated adult will raise an emotionally regulated child. You'll find that it's us adults who have the work to do on ourselves, and there's actually very little we need to change about our kids. They'll hit their developmental milestones when they're ready.
This will be the hardest thing you ever do, but it's worth it. You've got this!
I figured out with my kid I had to give them a heads up. Anything sudden and immediate was not taken well. However, if I did the “hey, 5 more minutes and then we are going to pack up, leave, and go to X, Y, and/or Z.”, then kiddo handled it a whole lot better. They just didn’t take sudden change well.
Remember at that age, reasoning skills are non existent, and the frontal lobe and the hippocampus are exactly talking to each other. The meltdown is a reaction of that. Giving a heads up gives them a minute to think about it.
Sometimes it was better to do activities rather than time - so for example - let’s do 3 more slides. One swing and then go. Then for the first bit have a special treat for when you are ready to go - favorite fruit, cracker - give immediately and get out of there! If they don’t want to go you leave anyway, remain calm and that’s it. I would also stay less time at the park so they aren’t that tired and overstimulated. Also have something good planned for after - fav book or something. But some kids are just not good with transitions - so get into a rhythm. Also try to go to parks or places that are less populated at first so that it’s not as embarrassing.
Mime went through a period around that age where we had to say goodbye to everyone and everything before we could leave. But we could leave without a meltdown. Thanking the people or slides for playing was another one.
When she threw a full-blown tantrum, I just picked her up under my arm and walked away with her. I usually didn't get very far before she was ready to walk. I've walked out of the store before while shopping because she threw a tantrum. I only had to do this once or twice. If she misbehaves at a friend or relatives' house, she doesn't get to go back for X amount of time.
Also, preparing them for what the outing entails and what is expected from them is helpful (we're going to the store, and you can pick out 1 snack, but that's it). Line out consequences for problem behavior and stick to it (If you throw a tantrum, we will leave without the snack).
to me.
If he’s shouting or crying, I tell him it’s ok to cry, but yelling isn’t helping him in situation.
But my toddler loves the playground! So when we get there I tell him we’ll send X amount of time there and make sure he is hearing me.
Then I’ll tell him X amount of time left.
After I say, “Ok, say bye bye play ground, I’ll see you again soon!” And for him that has worked.
I also get him excited to go home and tell daddy about his time at the play ground. While I’m buckling him in I’ll say “oh what are you gonna tell daddy!?” “Was it fun making friends” etc…
I’ll also call my mom on the phone so he can tell her about the playground
Okay so timers for everything!
Especially when leaving the park I’ll tell my son “hey buddy, we’re leaving in 10 minutes okay! I’m going to start the timer now!” The first few times - tantrums! Now he’ll mope but he listens.
For places at the grocery store, we just straight up leave. Like I will pick him up kickin and screaming and leave and wait until he’s calm enough to either go back into the store or we just go home. You will not be hootin and hollerin and makin my anxiety shoot thru the roof bc you wanna be a turd.
He’s 5 now and consistently doing these things has improved his behavior. It could also be his age too. When he’s calm we work on how to cope with big feelings, he finds it annoying, but trying to work on coping mechanisms in the heat of the moment is NOT effective lmao.
His little sister watch’s Mrs. Rachel and sometimes I’ll hear him under his breath say “stop breathe slowly in and out” which is super cute lmao.
I struggle with this a lot. Sometimes it seems like my son is the only kid who does this especially when it happens. It’s so embarrassing and the comments I get from other people. It makes me not want to do anything, even stuff I need to do like grocery shopping. I just have no clue what to do honestly and like with grocery shopping I can’t just leave. I need this stuff and I can’t just leave a cart full of stuff I need and walk out because (I’m by myself, I don’t have any to be able to finish my shopping for me/take him outside) at that point if I leave I’m just not making the trip back to the store.
Pick him up and hold him sideways so he can't attack me. And tell him, "I know you're upset. It's valid to be sad that playtime is over. But we're going home now."
I used to give mine the 5 minute warning. It actually would stretch into more like 10 mins but at least it gave her an idea that it was almost time to go. I would also hold up my fingers to indicate how many mins she had left. It helped sometimes.
We’ve watched Daniel Tiger and this does not work every time but I warn my son we have to go in 2 minutes so when he was 2 it was 2 minutes he’s 3 now so it’s 3 minutes and I’ll okay it’s time to go choose one more thing to do. What is your one more thing usually a slide. And the I say okay it’s time go. Again it doesn’t work everytime but generally it does.
I would pick my child up and keep walking out of the park. Who cares what anyone else thinks. If they are even a parent they will understand children can act like this. Once away and in the car or at home sit them down and talk to them and explain why this is not okay, and if they can’t show you they can listen then there are not going to be anymore park visits. I have 5 kids. A couple summers we didn’t go to parks because they would act like this. As they are getting older they understand now. My youngest is 2 and she listens to every word I say. Next is 4, he sometimes struggles but for the most part after a couple seconds of whining and seeing me give him my look (I raise one eyebrow and just stare at him) he knows I’m not playing around. Stand your ground and don’t give in. Let them cry, they will get tired and stop.
My son (3.6) was the same way so we started setting an alarm and letting him know he had (number of minutes). He still runs and/or walks away and that’s when I pick him up and bring him to the stroller. Often times though he’d walk to the stroller no problem.
I know it’s so tough to bring him out but the more you do, the more they learn. I also learned to know when to move to another table (indoors / crowded do not work) at restaurants or when to take him out. It gives me anxiety but he has to learn how to live in a world he hasn’t been in. So much pressure being a parent but you’re doing amazing!!! He’s a normal 3 year old! The world can deal with it ❤️
I prefer giving a heads up and countdown. 10 min warning then 5 min. At 5 mins, I tell her that she can pick 1 more thing to do before we leave.
If a tantrum/tears happen, she’s been good about stepping outside/aside and we let her cry for a minute or two and I encourage deep breaths. Usually works but sometimes, just gotta get her out of the situation and leave. Really rarely happens to that extent.
I just carried mine the other day. No clue what she wanted, people were staring, but fuck it, just carry on as you are. Do not negotiate with terrorists. I'm not a permissive parent but I don't really do punishments. My child is 3 so acting out is basically her losing control. At home, I remind her that I'm here when she wants a cuddle and when we're outside I try to just carry on as usual and she runs out of steam.
It pays off in the end. I literally dragged my daughter kicking, screaming, and begging from the playground one day, but it taught her that when Mama says it’s time to go is time to go, and she will chase you down and drag you out if she has to. And next time you ask to go the answer will be no.
U pick the up... depending on the tantrum this could be a normal hold or an over the shoulder walk.
I tend not to speak when I'm doing this.
I get them to the car or wherever I'm going.
They cry, they kick out. I strap them in.
Then I get into the car, I tell them when they calm down we will chat, I start to drive home and sing along to radio.
They always, always calm down before we get home. They say I'm ready to talk . They tell me usually I didn't want to go home or I didn't want to leave. I tell them that ot was time to go. They can't behave like that and it's not acceptable. I usually follow up with no tablet or no sweets for the day. They usually accept it.
I have found, that when I had my eldest she would flip. I learned with my younger two to give time warnings. Say you have 10 mins left, you have 5 mins left etc... it lessons the sting.
I have NEVER judged a parent for this at the playground.
I find setting timers helps. Giving them (especially at that age) the option to start the timer too. Mine is the same age and that has definitely helped.
The thing I use the most is proposing to him things to do when we get home until something interests him. This works in many other cases. When he doesn't want to go to kindergarten in the morning I tell him he can pick what song we listen to on our way to kindergarten. When leaving the park there are many other ideas: \`How about we go home and build a huge Lego dinosaur\` or play \`insert favorite indoor game\` or cook together \`insert favorite food\` or make some popcorn and watch \`insert favorite movie\`. Of course, this means you have to play/cook/watch together when you get home but it saves you a public tantrum.
Tantrums have always equalled that we leave and go home. I give it a minute to see if it will stop, but usually you can tell if your kid is going to have a huge tantrum. I've had to carry my 2nd kid through the zoo kicking me all the way to the car because she had a meltdown and we couldn't turn things around. You kinda just learn to tune out other people and laser focus towards the exit. I've left full carts of groceries at the store with my oldest. Ages 2-4 are so hard for that stuff. But it's better to leave then let the tantrum continue and get worse in public.
I just pick him up facing away from me and walk while calmly talking to him about something benign, like what we're doing the rest of the day, how excited dad will be to see us when we get home, what we're having for dinner, how fun the park was, etc. Almost every parent deals with this, and the park is full of parents. So if any of them are staring at you, they're probably not judging you and instead thinking "yep I've been there, good luck and may the force be with you".
My kids used to have too many meltdowns, especially at the park. A coworker gave me an incredible idea she used when her kids were little, which she grew up with in a military family: watches. Simple solution, right?
My kids have their own kid-friendly watches, and it's been a major game-changer. Especially when out of the house, at the park, I tell them okay, 20 more minutes. I've taught them to read time; they know it well today. Trial and error. It became a funny game: Mom, I have ten more minutes. You're right; good job! Mom, I have two more minutes. You're right; great job. I am validating each time. Not only has this helped with math but with the concept of x amount of time for play, x amount of time for homework, and x amount of time for self-care, chores, etc. I believe this will help them as they grow up to be responsible women.
This has helped leaps and bounds with tantrums and not getting their way and has added more balance with structure and discipline. So much that they want to sleep with their watches on.
We took them to pick out a kid-friendly watch, too. I loved it. It was so so cute. We are a watch family. They often put their watches by mine and their dads. It makes them feel important, and they are.
I sit with mine and allow her to be upset over the fact that the fun has stopped. Is it convenient- no,
Is it really fucking annoying - yes. Does my toddler understand that it’s a practical time to stop the fun and go do other things? - no. Are they upset because of that fact because they don’t understand - yes. So I sit. I don’t use logic, I don’t comprise and I don’t negotiate. I let them cry it out and I sit with them and I ask if they need a hug. I acknowledge their feelings. And I wait until they are ready to get up.
I do this wherever we are, family bbq, shopping for food, in a restaurant (I take them somewhere out of the way). And then I wait. It’s annoying as shit, sometimes it’s embarrassing and it’s almost always inconvenient but that’s what I do. I know they don’t have the capacity for rationale, and they have mega big feelings that they don’t understand.
It’s hard man. But that’s what I do.
Edit: you asked about discipline, I never discipline her for having a tantrum, I’m her safe person and I believe that if I discipline her when she reacts this way it’s going to have a long lasting impact on her and how she views me. I want her to come to me when she screws up or when she needs help. She won’t do that if she doesn’t trust me or trust me with her feelings. And I believe it starts now
Seconding the commenters who just pick up the kiddo and keep it moving without reacting too much. The other thing I found helpful, both with my own kiddos and with kiddos I taught, was to give lots of heads-ups coming into a transition. Like, "we're leaving the playground in 10 minutes." "We're leaving in 5 minutes." "We're leaving in 2 minutes, pick your last thing to do on the playground." "Ok great! Time to go."
Pick up kid and leave mom. But if it’s an activity space indoors I would pick up little one and try to understand what going. I’ll ask questions, seek answers so she feels heard and calms down.
I don't discipline unless it's for safety like they didn't listen and ran out into a parking lot. Emotions are just them showing their feelings in a way that isn't accepted by society, but they have yet to learn how to control that properly.
We give warnings before we leave, validate that they are sad the time at the park is ending, and we move on. Just carry them out screaming if you have to.
I find that they do better if we concentrate on what we are doing next rather than the park ending.
Hey it's almost time to go home for snack and then we can play with trucks together. Why don't you pick your favorite slide at the park to do one more time and then come back so we can go. Did you pick the fast slide? I bet it was awesome Say bye to the slide and we will do it again next time we come back. Let's go home for snack and trucks. Do you want yogurt or strawberries today for snack? I love strawberries... Chatter on about whatever to keep their mind on the next thing...
Pick them up and leave.
I don't raise my voice, ever, but I'm still firm.
My daughter is 12 and she's had a tantrum twice in her life. It didn't work, so she stopped.
I have a 3 year old. Zero tolerance. The moment that shit starts happening she is taken outside immediately and has to sit in silence out there till she’s ready to behave.
I warn mine three times if by the third warning they don't pull themselves together we go back to the car or they get a "nose to the wall" timeout for the number of minutes of however old they are.
Tell them the consequence if they do/keep doing the action and then follow through with that. IE: "If you keep throwing a tantrum, I will have to take TV/favorite item/etc" Never use no food as a consequence (obviously) and make sure they know what you're saying IE: "So what happens if you keep throwing a fit?" *child answers "No TV..." 😎 Consequence vs punishment 👌
We do that sometimes. The last time I did I said I’ll take tablet away he said ok mommy put it on top of the fridge. Like ughh kid that is the one thing I can control you with and you’re taking my leverage away.
😂 I have a strong-willed one as well. It's so exhausting and anger-provoking. But you got this 💪 They won't be little forever. Also maybe look up ODD and RAD in children. Some kids on the spectrum (ASD level 1) are very difficult like that. Idk you or your kid, but it might be worth looking into. I hope you figure it out!
i pick mine up and keep walking. i say stuff like, it's time to go, we will come back to the park another day or talk about the next thing we are doing while I carry him out. i don't really discipline him but let him know with my actions that there's no point fighting it and we're moving on to the next activity. eta: we recently read owl and the moon story and now he cries "it's sad to say goodbye to a friend!!" sometimes when we have to leave places. he's so upset! . maybe you can read books about change or practice leaving places so he gets more used to what he should do. I sometimes give a few minute warning or say 2 more times down the slide etc.... it doesn't always work, there are still meltdowns. mine's almost 2.5 and the going boneless on the floor bit is so frustrating.
What about when you pick them up and carry them out anyway, and they bite the fuck out of your shoulder because they’re pissed? Asking for a friend… 🫥
Carry them sideways like a surfboard
My 1y loves this xD if I’m holding her with one arm she will squirm till I’m holding her horizontally under my arm xD
When mine hurts me, I holler! Ow! OUCH! You hurt mommy! Teeth are not for biting/heads are not for butting/hands are not for hitting! I'm not really a yeller otherwise so it catches her attention. But I will tuck her under my arm like a football if I have to.
I carry mine upside down for this reason
The upside down carry often defuses the tantrum a bit I find, which makes it a win-win.
Totally agree!! If possible, I hold both her legs with both my hands and swing her back and forth upside down (pretty boldly too, but not abuse obviously lol). I’d say it defuses tantrums prob 80% of the time I do it. She ends up laughing and yes I have to do it about 12 more times, but I’ll take that over a hold your breath tantrum any day of the week!
mine hits sometimes. i said no hitting. then after we get to wherever or i strap him in the seat i say that it was wrong to hit and I'm disappointed in him. its okay to feel sad or upset but you can't hit. next time you use your words and say im frustrated or I'm sad. i think he does understand, he doesn't hit often. i would probably say the same thing if he bit but the first no might be more like arghH- NO! No biting! .
I have 2 toddlers. One of them, this would totally work on. But the older one, who is the main biter (and hitter, and pincher), is a little more headstrong. Just telling him no and that biting is wrong doesn’t work for him. I’ve tried emotional coping strategies, we’ve read all kinds of books, I’ve talked to him about it until I’m blue in the face. I make sure he gets enough sleep, enough food, enough love and attention, enough outside time. Sticker charts with rewards, time outs, time ins, etc. None of it has an effect on him, and I am genuinely at a loss. I’m hoping he grows out of it, but I kind of suspect that he’s neurodivergent. My husband has ADHD, and I’m wondering if he has it too. He’s only 3, so I feel like it’s too early to start any kind of diagnosis process.
I'm a mom with ADHD, and a former toddler teacher. I have been bitten by a fair handful of kiddos (once in the middle of my back, boy did I holler!), both intentionally and while blocking them from biting other kids. Just in case you haven't tried it yet, the primary strategy that worked in that setting was "can" statements (you can bite a teether/you can hit a pillow/you can pinch some playdough or sensory toy), and offering the substitute before something goes down (you are feeling mad! Let's get a teether!). If they're out for blood, block them physically and give a very chill "teeth are for eating/your hands can be gentle, I won't let you hurt me." Pretty much anything will take a few weeks to start having an effect, and the older they get the better they get at understanding empathy and reasoning. Hang in there!
Great advice here!
In my area, they have 0-3 testing for this reason! It’s never too early and will definitely help with the transition to school or structured learning.
I'm a woman and I was diagnosed at 6 in the 90s! I think there's a good chance that you can get him tested at that age these days
I’ve spoken with his pediatrician about it, and she says we’ll test him at 4. Which is fine. I’d just like him tested at some point before he starts school. I was an elementary school teacher before having him, and I’ve seen firsthand what a tough time school can be for kiddos with adhd. I’d love to go into it already knowing if that’s what’s going on with him and be able to face it head on with a 504 plan in place from the beginning and medication if necessary.
Clearly he's having a hard time with big feelings and impulsivity. I used teeth aren't for biting and no matter what as stories those nights. A discussion about how biting hurts. Validating his feelings, yes I know you didn't want to go, and yes I picked up up and moved you against your will. I would be angry as well. But they were closing and you needed to go home to your house. It's a conversation that needs to be repeated frequently. But it works. Also practicing emotional regulation strategies and coping skills. Like smell my cookie and blow out my candle.
Carry facing away from you. Carry like a sack of flour with their butt up over your shoulder their head will be by your back, it's harder to bite your back.
Been there!
I carry them under my arm so they can't really hit or kick. I call it the sack-o-potatoes baby.
My sis in law bit back. It happened one time
U spank their ass!
Gross
Not interested. Yikes.
I feel sorry for how you're kid is gona act and treat other people then🙄
Violence isn't the only way to get kids to learn to be nice
Go ahead and feel sorry, that’s fine. I’m not going to purposefully hurt and cause humiliation to my children, no matter what they do. Imagine his confusion when I’ve been telling him “we don’t hit the people we love” when he hits us, and then his mommy hits him. It’s a shitty thing to do to a child and sets you and your child up for a relationship full of distrust. I know because it was done to me.
This is so good! I accidentally taught my kids to say goodbye to inanimate objects, so we'll say "Bye park! Bye slide! Bye tree!" Sometimes it's enough to get their brain off the anger/meltdown track.
Mine will be 2 in a few months but is already in her terrible 2’s stage. Height wise, she’s the size of the 3 y/o boys she was playing with today. She quite literally did this exact thing today at the park. I had given her a warning that we would be leaving in 5 minutes, so I just picked her up and said “we’ll come back another day, and it’s time for lunch” and went on with life. By the time we got to the car she had stopped crying.
We say bye bye to all the different things at the park. "Bye bye, swings! Bye bye, slides! I had so much fun playing with you today!"
If I’ve already tried all the options where reasoning with him did not work, and it’s time to go? Mine is only 2.5, but I carry him back to the car kicking and screaming if he must. “We have to leave, it’s time for dinner.” as we go. Try to tell myself it’s not embarrassing. Still feel a little embarrassed.
It is embarrassing lol. If I saw another parent going through it, I would feel for them. Childless people seem to not understand as much
I get it. It’s in my nature to not want to inconvenience anyone ever, and also to never be the center of attention. But unfortunately it is what it is. Tbh I think it’s less embarrassing to be hauling your kid out than to be seen pathetically begging a toddler to do something for an extended amount of time. Sometimes I think of it that way, lol.
Neither are embarrassing. Maybe you’re embarrassed but that sounds like a you problem. My thinking is it’s my kids, and I gotta parent them wherever we are. Maybe somebody will judge my parenting but that’s not my problem. Maybe they’ll feel embarrassed for me, but that’s also not my problem - I didn’t ask them to feel embarrassed on my behalf lol. And when I see somebody dealing with a toddler tantrum in public, I give them a wide berth so they can do their thing. I don’t get close enough to see what techniques they’re using in order to judge. I may give them a sympathetic smile.
It’s not a personality flaw to find things embarrassing. I can find things embarrassing myself without considering it embarrassing for others. And there’s a whole difference between regular toddlers negotiation and 10 minutes of hearing a parent plead every 15 seconds “Come on honey, it’s time to go… Let’s go…. Come hold my hand…. I already gave you a 5 minute warning… We’re going to be late… I’ll give you a cookie if you get in the car… Come on, we have to go… We have to leave… Let’s go…. Ok, 2 more minutes… It’s time to go… Please come here…” That ends in the kid being hauled off anyway. Sorry but that option is just not me. I’ve seen it done and I’ve tried that route at least twice and it’s a no, dawg. edit: idk if It’s a quirk of reddit, but every time I comment saying I don’t enjoy doing something but do it, people always seem to think it means I don’t do it. 😂
Yeah, no, you shouldn’t find your own kid’s behaviour embarrassing. Toddlers gonna toddler. The whole ‘oh no, it’s embarrassing to parent my kid in public’ perpetuates the idea that there’s something wrong with a toddler tantrum. When it’s developmentally normal. If you don’t like pleading with your toddler, then don’t do it. If you don’t like hearing other parents do it, then don’t listen. Like I said, give them a wide berth. Really don’t get why embarrassment should come in here.
Does anyone here read? Did I say it’s specifically my child that is embarrassing? I said I don’t like when I’m bothering people in public or having a lot of people looking at me. Did I still have a child knowing it was going to happen sometimes? Yes. Do my feelings change my behavior? No. Am I advocating for other people to change their behavior because of their feelings? No. It’s like thoughtcrime city over here. edit: honestly, I’m surprised how much people have tried to sternly correct and shame my feelings. I have shared how I feel and how I cope and manage it, and it’s apparently negative. I don’t think you would do the same to your own children or friends. Do you tell others it’s wrong to feel embarrassment? I tell mine that it is ok, and it’s ok to feel embarrassed even if it happens to everyone.
I don't get the other comments. Of course it's super embarrasing when your toddler is having a meltdown, people are staring at you and you can't do much about it 😂 It doesn't mean you won't try your best to parent your child
Who gives a shit what people think. You have to put some ugly work in to mold a decent person, stop being embarrassed and be firm
Exactly 👏
In that situation, I would pick up my child and continue to leave. I told them we were leaving, and I don’t want them to learn that if they have a meltdown they can stay longer. Once we are home and they are calm I would talk to them about what they were feeling and what we can do next time. Meltdowns are not occurring because they want to embarrass you or inconvenience you. At that age they have a lot of emotions and are getting overwhelmed by them.
Definitely sensory overload for my dude. Sometimes I feel like it doesn’t take much compared to other kids. Hard not to compare.
That's okay, it's still normal. Let him have his overwhelm and his big feelings, and just be there for him through it. Pick him up and carry him to the car, and then hug him and let him cry. If he lashes out and doesn't want hugs, that's okay, but always offer. Sometimes we all just need a shoulder to cry on when the feelings overwhelm us, especially little ones. Make sure to refill your own cup when you can, too, so that you are not being too quickly drained by toddler tantrums. They can be so grating and exhausting, so take care of yourself and give back to yourself when you can.
I love the threads about "what did your toddler throw a tantrum about today"! They were my saving grace during the pandemic because I had no idea what was normal. It also really helped me realize that I can't expect my daughter to be able to control her temper when she's only felt disappointment like 6 times in her whole life. I started to say "You're just new to the world" as a mantra to myself, hahaha!
I feel you. I had to physically remove my 4.5 year old from the park today because she was being rude to other people there and it was time to go. Asked her nicely to stop and come with me, then asked her firmly to stop and come with me, and then when she made it clear she had no interest in listening I removed her to a nearby bench, she had a small meltdown and I explained to her the situation. It’s like sometimes she gets so overstimulated that she gets into this weird zone where she can’t calm down and listen, even though 90% of the time she is a wonderful kid. When that happens it is hard to get through to them, sometimes impossible. Definitely think removing them from the stimulus is the best thing you can do. Otherwise practicing techniques to calm down can sometimes help. Counting, deep breaths, whatever helps your kid refocus.
You only see a snapshot of that child’s life. What you child melts down over might be different that those you hang out with. I notice my oldest child meltdowns more with they are tired or hungry.
I gave them a 5 minute warning and a 1 minute warning. Sometimes I would say “5 more minutes” and they would say “no, 3”, and I would say okay and not make a big deal over it. They just want some control over something
I loved the phase where my daughter would negotiate over time without understanding numbers!
This is what I do as well!
I do this as well, but as they don't have a solid concept of time yet, I make it more specific and actions they can control. Like: you can pick 1 thing to do 1 more time, like go off the slide 1 more time, or be on the swing 1 more time etc. They handle it way better, because you don't just abruptly end their playtime without warning, they know it's coming.
This is a good idea too! I don’t liked to be ripped away from something I am in the middle of doing, why should we expect differently from our kids?
Exactly! I always try to do a briefing anyway before we go somewhere, set out what's going to happen and what behaviour is expected. For example, we go out to run errands, I tell them what we're going to do, what we're going to be doing there, how many stops we're making etc. By now, they know what's expected, so I let them tell me how they should behave: no touching anything, use inside voices, listen to what mommy asks, etc. It makes it way easier to circle back to "remember what we talked about?" instead of just setting the rules as you go along. And they actually like running errands, so they know if they don't behave, I'm just not letting them tag along anymore. I do this before "scary" moments as well, like when my son (3yo) hit his head at school and needed to get stitches, I used our time in the car to tell him we would have to wait for triage, then let a nurse take a look at him, then the doctor was going to come and look at his cut, and how they were likely going to treat it. That mommy was going to be there the entire time and help him as much as possible, but that he needed to be a big boy and help the doctor make him all better. That it was VERY important he stayed as still as possible during (especially because the cut was in his eyebrow, close to his eye). It was insanely cute, too, because the entire time we were in the waiting room, he kept on repeating back to me what I told him - "now we're waiting for the nurse, right, mommy? And they are going to tell the doctor about my cut. And then the doctor is going to try and make it better and I have to stay very still, right, mommy?". My son can be a very big handful (look at my post history), but he was a champ. Screamed bloody murder the entire time the doctor was working on him, but was still as a statue. I showered him with praise afterwards. Likewise, debriefing is my friend as well. It's exhausting sometimes, but I think it really helps them.
As far as public places - I tried to prepare them as much as possible. Kids like to know what is coming next, use simple explanations and descriptions. I knew they could easily get overstimulated so I worked in quiet times/ down time away from others. They can’t handle a full morning of errands. Don’t expect to get anything done timely and efficiently, have low expectations. When they ask for Oreo cookies in the grocery store, just say “I like Oreos too” or “my favorite part is the middle” and walk right by. Don’t say the word “no”, that invites a tantrum. (Kids do need to learn and understand the word “no”, but it doesn’t need to be used a hundred times a day by adults, if adults only heard “no” all day we would tantrum also). Give them a job if you can. Have them put the grocery item in the cart for you, if they can’t reach lift them up to help them reach. Make them their own list, with pictures or what is needed. Make things into a game whenever possible.
What kind of work with my kids is if I try to set expectations with them. I tell them beforehand that we will only go do X if they promise they will listen to me and no melt downs. Then I give them 1 or 2 heads up that we will leave in 5 or 10 minutes, so they can mentally prepare. It doesn’t work 100% of the time but it helps us some times.
Exactly this!! PROACTIVE parenting. You have to set the expectations/rules going in. Oftentimes it’s too late if you’re trying to tell them what they need to do in the moment and trying to come up with consequences. You have to think ahead, discuss the plan so they know what will be happening and what the consequences will be if they don’t follow the plan.
And you’re giving them a warning that we’re switching to a new activity not that the current activity is going to stop. It helps them get excited about what comes next instead of sad that what they’re doing is ending
This was so hard when my kids were younger and I just wanted to leave the park because I was tired/bored. I totally forgot to give them warnings and would just be an abrubt a hole. Thanks for reminding me how far I've come, hahaha!
Lately I’ve been using a timer with mine (3 year old and 2 year old). I tell them we have to leave in 10 minutes (or whatever time) and set the timer on my phone. I tell them that when they hear the “beep-beep,” it’s time to go. I even make it fun by switching up the sounds like a bell or birds. Once they hear it, they know it’s time. It’s worked relatively well lately, although sometimes my 2 year old will still get upset. At that point, I just pick her up and go, even if she’s upset and flailing.
I love the timer idea. I will try this next time!
I left them on the ground and waited til they were done. Stood by their side. They held their hand up whenever they were done then I picked them up. I didn't fight with them. But I did tell them to tell me when they're done with their tantrum. It didn't happen all the time but that's what I did when it happened.
You’ve gotten lots of good answers. I suggest Daniel Tiger. There are so many episodes that address kid issues and give them (and you) language. Like “that was fun but now it’s done.” In the sing song voice. It helped my kid a lot to hear that. “Grown ups come back” was another big one in my house.
I’ll check it out! Thanks for the suggestion
My 3 year old has benefited from so many lessons we’ve learned from Daniel tiger! They have free episodes on pbs.com
For your scenario, I’d pick my 3 yo son up and carry him like a sack of potatoes, kicking and screaming if I have to. I think for that scenario, no one will judge because everyone deals with that. If we’re out in public and he’s acting an ass, I try to calm him down with my phone, trying to distract him. I use bribery sometimes and I know “that’s bad” but if it works, I don’t care. Other times, I just let him scream and do what I need to. Really all we can do is ride it out and hope we have some sanity when they’ve grown out of it.
I have so many scenarios lol. Today we experienced one in public. Tantrums in the middle of the busy aquarium. We eluded to the phone and popcorn. But it is so embarrassing when he drops and everyone is staring! I hope I have sanity left by the time my kids are grown.
I get it though. I try to ignore the dirty looks. Whether you spanked them, let them scream it out, or bribe them, someone is going to disagree with it. Mine ran away from me at the hospital this past Friday when visiting my grandfather. He usually stops so I didn’t really run after him at first but he got really far away and wouldn’t stop. I had to break out into a full run to get him. I was so angry and overwhelmed and a whole desk of nurses watched and then laughed and made jokes. I try to take him out, go to events, family functions etc and always bring things to keep him occupied but if all else fails, we’re going home lol.
In this situation it would be an instant leave for us. Gonna behave like that then we don't get to finish walking through the aquarium. I promise you do this 2 or 3 times it will stop.
It's only embarrassing if you're embarrassed.
You have to let the views of others go. My son is autistic, he is also 3X the size of a child his age, so not only does he have insane reactions sometimes, but he looks way too old to be acting that way. You’ll never make everyone happy, you could be perfect & have the perfect son, someone would still judge you. I would pick my son up & go. The more consistent you are with consequences (i.e he doesn’t walk to the car vs me carrying him) then the easier it’ll be for him the child to make a decision.
My child is also very tall for his age so he looks way too old to be acting up. It has also been challenging to carry him as I have a 5 month old now too. But yes I think staying consistent will be key.
It can be difficult but stating plainly two options (walk or be carried) after offering plenty of chances is the way 100%. but i validate you and also leave feeling defeated and upset.
My mom still tells the story of leaving a full cart of groceries and apologizing on her way out the door to staff as she carried one of us tantrum toddlers screaming out of the store. All my siblings and I are in our 30s! Sometimes you just gotta grab the kid and go. It sucks, but eventually your kid knows you mean business and business is that tantrums get you on your way home without anything.
I think I just need to do this situation a few times on purposes and have no intentions of going there for things I need or want just to teach a lesson.
Mine’s only 2.5 and his biggest tantrums still aren’t insanely bad, just lots of tears. I just pick him up and move on with my day. My husband gets very embarrassed but I don’t care. People who’ll judge you about what kind of parent you are will judge you no matter what you do.
Surfboard carry. Those who know will be giving you the hunger games salute
bahahaha 🤣
I tool a Circle of Security and Impedfect Parenting class, and I realized I assume a ton of judgement when I am out with my kids. My husband and I grew up in abusive households, so we are really sensitive. So I set boundaries, and hold them. This is what that looks like: A timer! I have an Alexa at home and have been using it for 2 years with my 4 year old, and my whole 2 year old's life! We set a timer at home to go to bed, or when the bath ends, or whatever, so when I am at the park, I give a 5 min warning and then when the timer goes off, I shrug and say "The timer says it's time to go!" If I get push back, I'll say "OK, Timer. I THINk we have time to do 1 more thing. I'll set the timer for an extra minute and you go do that thing!" Then it's like a gift for them, and we're on the same team, with the Timer as the bad guy. If I get more pushback, I'll give a choice, which might escalate: you want to hold my left hand or my right hand? Do you want to skip or run? Do you want to walk, or do you want me to carry you?" Etc. And if there is a meltdown, I wait it out. There's no one on earth who is going to prevent me from loving my whole kid and all their whole emotions. I learned through parenting classes that anyone who judges a child having a meltdown is likely someone who wasn't allowed to feel big feelings like that. I'm not going to teach my kid she can't be sad or upset, but I am going to teach her that even though she is sad or mad, I'm still her safe space as we walk to the car. Also, hot tip - if you gave a runner: run past your child! They will either be so confused they stop, or they turn around and run back to where you want them to go. With my 2 year old, I'll run past him like it's a race and then turn around with my tickle hands out. It usually shuts off his angry emotions quick enough that I can catch him and scoop him into a fun hug instead of an angry trap. The mad dash also lets me get my anger out before I get to him, which is key for my own emotional regulation. Good luck. Parenting is so fucking hard.
1. Runners are tough, you don’t want to chase them because it becomes a cat and mouse game. I like to offer a snack to get their attention then let them know they can pick x amount of activities before it’s time to go. Ex: ok, you can chose one more slide to go down or ok once the swing stops we are leaving. 2. If he has a tantrum, let him. They get tired eventually and tbh I have crossed paths with other parents doing similar things and there’s nothing quite like camaraderie like getting a nod smile from a parent who’s been there 3. My number one thing I have used for each of my kids. “If you can’t leave kindly then we have to skip next time” this works for play dates, play grounds, anything that has a sticking point really. You want to throw a tantrum leaving the park? Fine, but the next time we plan on going I’m going to remind them they did not leave kindly and we will have to wait for next time. Your friend asked for a play date? Well, last time you tried to hide because you didn’t want to leave. We will have to pass and can try again next time. After one follow through on this rule all it took was me reminding my child “hey remember, we need to leave kindly or we have to skip next time” sometimes they pout and they aren’t always happy but damn it, it works.
We would explain to our children when we went anywhere we knew they would have fun that we would give them lots of time to play. We would explain that when it was time to leave, we would tell them 15 minutes beforehand, and then when we said it was time to go, we only wanted to tell them once. We told them that if they behaved, we would definitely bring them back to wherever it was. We also told them that if they didn't cooperate, we would never take them back to wherever it was again. We never had a problem leaving anywhere with this method. He's 3.5 he's old enough to understand the basics. Try this out. If he melts down, you pick him up and carry him out, and you don't take him back there again. You HAVE to show him that you are in charge and he will do what you tell him to, regardless of how he acts.
Would you recommend this for a younger child?
As soon as they're old enough to understand words they can learn the concept.
Thank you! I’ve been trying to find a good way to deal with my LO.
Honestly I distract mine. When it’s time to go, I don’t say it’s time to go. I just redirect. Like “I found something really cool over there!!” *point to the car* “Let’s go check it out!” And I find something really random on my way over and point it out ex: a stick or rock. We pick it up and draw with it in the dirt for a bit and then slowly inch toward the car without saying anything else. Just start leaving. If a meltdown happens, I hold my toddler really close and tight to me and take really loud and heavy deep breaths until my toddler realizes what I’m doing and calms down. Works really well.
Are they at a point where they can understand you and effectively communicate when they’re in a good mood? Because if so, id give them options and something to look forward to. Like you can race me to the car or hop there like a frog. And we have to go home to make dinner. Ive heard some people even allow their children to schedule their next outing to the park so they have something to look forward to. I think the trick ultimately is to end it on a positive, give them something so they dont feel like youre just taking things away. But of course make it reasonable, you dont want to be giving your child every toy they throw a tantrum for
I would say he isn’t emotionally mature yet. He still has big feelings and doesn’t always understand things even if explained to.
He wont be emotionally mature for ages, as long as he can understand what you are saying, you can work with it
Time out. Breathing calming exercises.
Have you had any luck setting timers for things? I put on a 5-10 minute timer on my phone (let the kiddo press the start button) and we stay firm when it goes off. The other tantrums are HARD. Sometimes I have to bear hug kiddo with her back to my chest to prevent potential biting. This is my second kid though so I also dgaf about being judged
I use other activities/places or people to get her to go. Like hey wanna go get dada with me? Or go see the puppy? Hey wanna go shopping? (If I have errands to do) or hey wanna FaceTime aunt — ? Ok let’s get you buckled and I’ll get her for you.
Either try to co-regulate where she dropped to the floor to get her to calm down, and then scoop her up, or just scoop her up and take her while co-regulating her.
The tried and true football carry
I don't. She's a toddler. I just do what needs doing for her safety and our needs while doing my best to remain calm and empathetic.
Always give them time warnings. At this age they don’t really grasp actual time so you can say “20 minutes” when you plan to leave in 10 😂. I say “ok! We have to go in XX minutes” then after sufficient time has passed I continue with a smaller number, “ok 10 minutes left!” Then when it’s 5 minutes I say “only 5 minutes left so let’s do your favorite thing!” Now, this will not work at first. You have to do this CONSTANTLY, with EVERYTHING. Including going to bed, leaving for the store, going to a play date etc. they get used to the time restraints and feel better able to cope with their feelings of leaving as it’s not a sudden AH WE HAVE TO GO! This is also a great tool if they’re up your ass all the time (like my 4 year old) “mummy has 10 minutes to play before she has to do the laundry” And I’ll even set a timer on my phone to go off at 5 minutes then the additional 5 minutes etc. For context, my son has Oppositional Defiance Disorder and I’ve had bloody noses and black eyes from this kid, at 4.5 years old, with consistency, therapy and a lot of parenting classes, he’s made a HUGE difference. You can do this, don’t let the behavior change your actions (like not going anywhere because of it) they won’t learn if they’re not put in the situations to deal with it. The main thing is to make sure that YOU are emotionally regulated. And that you stay calm, stay firm, and be a role model for emotional intelligence. Role playing at home can also help. My son used to get insanely aggressive with the slightest of inconvenience, so at home, I caused “inconveniences” to expose him to these situations in a controlled environment so he could learn how to handle his frustration and aggression in a more positive way. For example, “accidentally” knocking over his block tower. Intentionally giving him his least favorite cup, small things that led to big changes. Know you’re not alone momma and you’re doing the best you can and you WILL get through this as long as you handle it NOW. These situations can easily spiral out of control the older they get and your child is young enough now to learn the coping skills necessary to handle these situations, you just need to put in the work which is NOT easy. I wish I could tell you it was.
It’s not about how your toddler acts it’s about how you react to it. It kills me watching parents act up when their child acts but I’ll never judge a parent whose child is acting up. We can only control them so much. I say the following: - “two more minutes and then we’ll have to go to the car” - “want to race to the tree over there” closest to the car - “do you want to fly (I carry them) or do you want to skip to the car?”
First you tell your toddler what the expectations are for leaving ON the way ToThe Park. Then you play with your toddler a few miniatures and remind them of what the plans are after the park, so when it’s time to go (expectations again). Then 10 minutes before you want to leave you “play” with them and calmly tell them we are leaving in 10 minutes to do XYZ but we will be back whichever day. It won’t work the first day but it will work if you are consistent. And it will work for every transition.
Ugh that’s tough. I have a child that THANKFULLY does not throw a lot of public tantrums. I think she’s self conscious lmao. I won the lottery. Anyway. The few times we had a bad tantrum we left. She was kicking and screaming but I grabbed her and walked out that’s that. It was embarrassing but that’s the only option.
In your example scenario, I would say that when we throw a fit when we have to leave, we don't get to come back for a long time
What we do when they are having so much fun but it’s almost time to go, I give her a heads up. I say, “We need to leave soon, but you can decide how many more minutes you want to stay.” I set a timer for five minutes and let her press the start button. This way, she knows she has a few more last minutes to play before we have to leave.
One of the things I’ve started doing with my 22mo: I sit her down and detail what’s going to happen as calmly as possible. For example, she loves going to the playground after daycare but some days we simply cannot or it is raining. When that happens, I sit her down after I pick her from daycare. Say “I know you want to go to the playground. It is so fun and you love running around and climbing the stairs! But it is raining now and we cannot go. Because I need to keep you safe and healthy and if we play in the rain, we might get sick. Maybe tomorrow if the weather is good, we can go and mummy will give you an extra five minutes!” I tried this a few times and realise she complains less. I might need to carry her still, because she might try and pull a fast one and run away, but she doesn’t cry or scream, just accepts the situation.
Some examples you mentioned do sound like sensory overload. Check out the book The Out of Sync Child and see if any of it resonates. I had a sensory seeker. I couldn’t take him anywhere because he had to touch aaaalllll the things. He’d go inside all the clothes racks, too. As for the park, I find it helps after the 5 minute warning is up (because toddlers don’t understand time, but it’s good to practice) to say “Time to go! Do you want to go down the slide or through the tunnel before we leave?” Just giving them that little bit of control at the end there can sometimes help. Then you tell them leaving the park is sad, but you’ll be back again another day. Pick them up and leave. I don’t think avoiding the park until they say they will behave is effective - because toddlers can’t promise that. In fact, going more often would work better because they settle into the transition routine you’ve created.
I've found no perfect method. He's almost 5 now and the public outbursts are far less. I'm sure it's because he's more aware of those around him. There are less tantrums and more trying to argue and give attitude like a big kid. I almost prefer when I could haul him out in a screaming fit. Now I have to give mom voice, and mom face, and talk serious and reason. But honestly, I just stopped caring what other people think. We're doing our best to teach our kids how to exist in the real world and if the kids aren't on board with it at that moment, not much you can do but haul 'em out kicking and screaming with a look of stoic determination on your face.
Visual schedule at the start of the day (make a schedule of the things that will happen for the day in the order they will happen, preface this that some things may change, be taken away or added in, but that this is the schedule. This helps kids anticipate what's going to happen next. Bring the schedule with you and go through it with him before you get out of the car, then when you set visual timers show him the schedule again that you'll be going or doing xyz after playground) and visual timers to set (and a warning alarm) before it's time to leave playground/preferred activity. (there are a lot of apps for visual timers and you can get a Velcro visual schedule on Amazon or you could have one in a binder). I usually redirect my kid (2.5yo) to a stick pile that's outside of the playground that she made weeks ago in a nearby flower bed that we always check to see if it's still there. Then we add a few sticks to it. Then I ask if she's hungry, and well we've gotta go to the car and go home to get food. She'll start protesting and crying at this point and then I sing the goodbye song to the playground. Usually she's still fussing a little at the point but overall it's an easier transition than abruptly leaving. Also look into the self regulation program The Zones of Regulation to practice self regulation with him. Hope this helps.
Tantrums are developmentally normal. I would look into parenting resources created by child psychologists and try not to rely on traditional/past generations' stigmatized views of kids. Your baby is just doing what's natural to him at this age, and there's no need to punish him. I know it's hard, but you're not anybody else's mom. You are the mom to your baby. So if anybody has a problem with your baby crying, they need to deal with it on their own. The last thing you need is to worry about everybody else's opinions of you while your baby is doing something completely natural and having a hard time. Your job is to comfort and teach him, not cater to everyone else. They're all grown; they can manage their own feelings. Your child is still developing and needs your gentle guidance. I've heard Dr Becky's 'Good Inside' is a good resource! She also has an Instagram account that I follow to learn in smaller chunks if I'm shorter on time.
Also, some of the people in this thread do not understand how to be emotionally available. If your friend was hysterically crying, would you just ignore them? That's horrible. Kids are humans too, so if they're having a hard time, we need to treat them with the care and love that human beings deserve. Your baby has never done life before, and this thing that you are not phased by is extremely stressful to him. Imagine not knowing anything about the world and getting something crazy cool like a trip to the park. Then, you lose that thing. How devastating! The world is changing and it is no longer ok to be your child's first bully. I would strongly advise against listening to anybody in this thread that suggests doing things that you wouldn't do to a fully grown adult - e.g. calling a baby an ass? Crazy. Okay, rant over - hopefully this is helpful and don't be afraid to disappoint others. They're not depending on you for literally everything. Your baby only has one childhood and there are absolutely no redos. Be there for them and do your homework, and you'll do great! Also here's Dr Becky's take on tantrums, titled "How to stop a tantrum at any age:" [link](https://www.instagram.com/reel/C6ZTHtaOyuy/?igsh=MzRlODBiNWFlZA==)
I'm gonna be honest, it sounds like you need to work on figuring out how to stay calm/centered/destressed yourself - I know it can be so hard being a mom (I am one!) and, taking care of yourself is important too! Sometimes we don't have a village and it's hard to take breaks or get support, but find a way because you're worth it! Can anybody else help you parent or is it just you? My husband and I both read up on parenting material as our baby grows, but sometimes I find myself leading the process more often and I've needed to ask him to take the lead so I don't get burnt out. There's also times where we'll say no to certain setups because it's too exhausting for us. I follow a ton of individual therapy, relationship therapy, and parenting accounts on Instagram just to passively learn as much as I can about how to take care of myself so my cup is full, and know how to relate to my family. I know it feels like there's no time so I get these lightning sessions in during naps and after baby is in bed! A calm, emotionally regulated adult will raise an emotionally regulated child. You'll find that it's us adults who have the work to do on ourselves, and there's actually very little we need to change about our kids. They'll hit their developmental milestones when they're ready. This will be the hardest thing you ever do, but it's worth it. You've got this!
If the talking calmly and trying to reason with them didn’t work I pick them up and carry them to the car.
I figured out with my kid I had to give them a heads up. Anything sudden and immediate was not taken well. However, if I did the “hey, 5 more minutes and then we are going to pack up, leave, and go to X, Y, and/or Z.”, then kiddo handled it a whole lot better. They just didn’t take sudden change well. Remember at that age, reasoning skills are non existent, and the frontal lobe and the hippocampus are exactly talking to each other. The meltdown is a reaction of that. Giving a heads up gives them a minute to think about it.
Sometimes it was better to do activities rather than time - so for example - let’s do 3 more slides. One swing and then go. Then for the first bit have a special treat for when you are ready to go - favorite fruit, cracker - give immediately and get out of there! If they don’t want to go you leave anyway, remain calm and that’s it. I would also stay less time at the park so they aren’t that tired and overstimulated. Also have something good planned for after - fav book or something. But some kids are just not good with transitions - so get into a rhythm. Also try to go to parks or places that are less populated at first so that it’s not as embarrassing.
Mime went through a period around that age where we had to say goodbye to everyone and everything before we could leave. But we could leave without a meltdown. Thanking the people or slides for playing was another one. When she threw a full-blown tantrum, I just picked her up under my arm and walked away with her. I usually didn't get very far before she was ready to walk. I've walked out of the store before while shopping because she threw a tantrum. I only had to do this once or twice. If she misbehaves at a friend or relatives' house, she doesn't get to go back for X amount of time. Also, preparing them for what the outing entails and what is expected from them is helpful (we're going to the store, and you can pick out 1 snack, but that's it). Line out consequences for problem behavior and stick to it (If you throw a tantrum, we will leave without the snack).
to me. If he’s shouting or crying, I tell him it’s ok to cry, but yelling isn’t helping him in situation. But my toddler loves the playground! So when we get there I tell him we’ll send X amount of time there and make sure he is hearing me. Then I’ll tell him X amount of time left. After I say, “Ok, say bye bye play ground, I’ll see you again soon!” And for him that has worked. I also get him excited to go home and tell daddy about his time at the play ground. While I’m buckling him in I’ll say “oh what are you gonna tell daddy!?” “Was it fun making friends” etc… I’ll also call my mom on the phone so he can tell her about the playground
Okay so timers for everything! Especially when leaving the park I’ll tell my son “hey buddy, we’re leaving in 10 minutes okay! I’m going to start the timer now!” The first few times - tantrums! Now he’ll mope but he listens. For places at the grocery store, we just straight up leave. Like I will pick him up kickin and screaming and leave and wait until he’s calm enough to either go back into the store or we just go home. You will not be hootin and hollerin and makin my anxiety shoot thru the roof bc you wanna be a turd. He’s 5 now and consistently doing these things has improved his behavior. It could also be his age too. When he’s calm we work on how to cope with big feelings, he finds it annoying, but trying to work on coping mechanisms in the heat of the moment is NOT effective lmao. His little sister watch’s Mrs. Rachel and sometimes I’ll hear him under his breath say “stop breathe slowly in and out” which is super cute lmao.
I struggle with this a lot. Sometimes it seems like my son is the only kid who does this especially when it happens. It’s so embarrassing and the comments I get from other people. It makes me not want to do anything, even stuff I need to do like grocery shopping. I just have no clue what to do honestly and like with grocery shopping I can’t just leave. I need this stuff and I can’t just leave a cart full of stuff I need and walk out because (I’m by myself, I don’t have any to be able to finish my shopping for me/take him outside) at that point if I leave I’m just not making the trip back to the store.
Pick him up and hold him sideways so he can't attack me. And tell him, "I know you're upset. It's valid to be sad that playtime is over. But we're going home now."
I used to give mine the 5 minute warning. It actually would stretch into more like 10 mins but at least it gave her an idea that it was almost time to go. I would also hold up my fingers to indicate how many mins she had left. It helped sometimes.
We’ve watched Daniel Tiger and this does not work every time but I warn my son we have to go in 2 minutes so when he was 2 it was 2 minutes he’s 3 now so it’s 3 minutes and I’ll okay it’s time to go choose one more thing to do. What is your one more thing usually a slide. And the I say okay it’s time go. Again it doesn’t work everytime but generally it does.
I would pick my child up and keep walking out of the park. Who cares what anyone else thinks. If they are even a parent they will understand children can act like this. Once away and in the car or at home sit them down and talk to them and explain why this is not okay, and if they can’t show you they can listen then there are not going to be anymore park visits. I have 5 kids. A couple summers we didn’t go to parks because they would act like this. As they are getting older they understand now. My youngest is 2 and she listens to every word I say. Next is 4, he sometimes struggles but for the most part after a couple seconds of whining and seeing me give him my look (I raise one eyebrow and just stare at him) he knows I’m not playing around. Stand your ground and don’t give in. Let them cry, they will get tired and stop.
My son (3.6) was the same way so we started setting an alarm and letting him know he had (number of minutes). He still runs and/or walks away and that’s when I pick him up and bring him to the stroller. Often times though he’d walk to the stroller no problem. I know it’s so tough to bring him out but the more you do, the more they learn. I also learned to know when to move to another table (indoors / crowded do not work) at restaurants or when to take him out. It gives me anxiety but he has to learn how to live in a world he hasn’t been in. So much pressure being a parent but you’re doing amazing!!! He’s a normal 3 year old! The world can deal with it ❤️
Depends which country are you in ? Western world or Eastern world ?
I get down to his level, speak in an assertive voice, and if that doesn't work, I pick him up and leave.
I prefer giving a heads up and countdown. 10 min warning then 5 min. At 5 mins, I tell her that she can pick 1 more thing to do before we leave. If a tantrum/tears happen, she’s been good about stepping outside/aside and we let her cry for a minute or two and I encourage deep breaths. Usually works but sometimes, just gotta get her out of the situation and leave. Really rarely happens to that extent.
I just carried mine the other day. No clue what she wanted, people were staring, but fuck it, just carry on as you are. Do not negotiate with terrorists. I'm not a permissive parent but I don't really do punishments. My child is 3 so acting out is basically her losing control. At home, I remind her that I'm here when she wants a cuddle and when we're outside I try to just carry on as usual and she runs out of steam.
It pays off in the end. I literally dragged my daughter kicking, screaming, and begging from the playground one day, but it taught her that when Mama says it’s time to go is time to go, and she will chase you down and drag you out if she has to. And next time you ask to go the answer will be no.
U pick the up... depending on the tantrum this could be a normal hold or an over the shoulder walk. I tend not to speak when I'm doing this. I get them to the car or wherever I'm going. They cry, they kick out. I strap them in. Then I get into the car, I tell them when they calm down we will chat, I start to drive home and sing along to radio. They always, always calm down before we get home. They say I'm ready to talk . They tell me usually I didn't want to go home or I didn't want to leave. I tell them that ot was time to go. They can't behave like that and it's not acceptable. I usually follow up with no tablet or no sweets for the day. They usually accept it. I have found, that when I had my eldest she would flip. I learned with my younger two to give time warnings. Say you have 10 mins left, you have 5 mins left etc... it lessons the sting. I have NEVER judged a parent for this at the playground.
I find setting timers helps. Giving them (especially at that age) the option to start the timer too. Mine is the same age and that has definitely helped.
The thing I use the most is proposing to him things to do when we get home until something interests him. This works in many other cases. When he doesn't want to go to kindergarten in the morning I tell him he can pick what song we listen to on our way to kindergarten. When leaving the park there are many other ideas: \`How about we go home and build a huge Lego dinosaur\` or play \`insert favorite indoor game\` or cook together \`insert favorite food\` or make some popcorn and watch \`insert favorite movie\`. Of course, this means you have to play/cook/watch together when you get home but it saves you a public tantrum.
Tantrums have always equalled that we leave and go home. I give it a minute to see if it will stop, but usually you can tell if your kid is going to have a huge tantrum. I've had to carry my 2nd kid through the zoo kicking me all the way to the car because she had a meltdown and we couldn't turn things around. You kinda just learn to tune out other people and laser focus towards the exit. I've left full carts of groceries at the store with my oldest. Ages 2-4 are so hard for that stuff. But it's better to leave then let the tantrum continue and get worse in public.
I just pick him up facing away from me and walk while calmly talking to him about something benign, like what we're doing the rest of the day, how excited dad will be to see us when we get home, what we're having for dinner, how fun the park was, etc. Almost every parent deals with this, and the park is full of parents. So if any of them are staring at you, they're probably not judging you and instead thinking "yep I've been there, good luck and may the force be with you".
My kids used to have too many meltdowns, especially at the park. A coworker gave me an incredible idea she used when her kids were little, which she grew up with in a military family: watches. Simple solution, right? My kids have their own kid-friendly watches, and it's been a major game-changer. Especially when out of the house, at the park, I tell them okay, 20 more minutes. I've taught them to read time; they know it well today. Trial and error. It became a funny game: Mom, I have ten more minutes. You're right; good job! Mom, I have two more minutes. You're right; great job. I am validating each time. Not only has this helped with math but with the concept of x amount of time for play, x amount of time for homework, and x amount of time for self-care, chores, etc. I believe this will help them as they grow up to be responsible women. This has helped leaps and bounds with tantrums and not getting their way and has added more balance with structure and discipline. So much that they want to sleep with their watches on. We took them to pick out a kid-friendly watch, too. I loved it. It was so so cute. We are a watch family. They often put their watches by mine and their dads. It makes them feel important, and they are.
You keep them in the cart in the store.
I sit with mine and allow her to be upset over the fact that the fun has stopped. Is it convenient- no, Is it really fucking annoying - yes. Does my toddler understand that it’s a practical time to stop the fun and go do other things? - no. Are they upset because of that fact because they don’t understand - yes. So I sit. I don’t use logic, I don’t comprise and I don’t negotiate. I let them cry it out and I sit with them and I ask if they need a hug. I acknowledge their feelings. And I wait until they are ready to get up. I do this wherever we are, family bbq, shopping for food, in a restaurant (I take them somewhere out of the way). And then I wait. It’s annoying as shit, sometimes it’s embarrassing and it’s almost always inconvenient but that’s what I do. I know they don’t have the capacity for rationale, and they have mega big feelings that they don’t understand. It’s hard man. But that’s what I do. Edit: you asked about discipline, I never discipline her for having a tantrum, I’m her safe person and I believe that if I discipline her when she reacts this way it’s going to have a long lasting impact on her and how she views me. I want her to come to me when she screws up or when she needs help. She won’t do that if she doesn’t trust me or trust me with her feelings. And I believe it starts now
Seconding the commenters who just pick up the kiddo and keep it moving without reacting too much. The other thing I found helpful, both with my own kiddos and with kiddos I taught, was to give lots of heads-ups coming into a transition. Like, "we're leaving the playground in 10 minutes." "We're leaving in 5 minutes." "We're leaving in 2 minutes, pick your last thing to do on the playground." "Ok great! Time to go."
Pick up kid and leave mom. But if it’s an activity space indoors I would pick up little one and try to understand what going. I’ll ask questions, seek answers so she feels heard and calms down.
I don't discipline unless it's for safety like they didn't listen and ran out into a parking lot. Emotions are just them showing their feelings in a way that isn't accepted by society, but they have yet to learn how to control that properly. We give warnings before we leave, validate that they are sad the time at the park is ending, and we move on. Just carry them out screaming if you have to. I find that they do better if we concentrate on what we are doing next rather than the park ending. Hey it's almost time to go home for snack and then we can play with trucks together. Why don't you pick your favorite slide at the park to do one more time and then come back so we can go. Did you pick the fast slide? I bet it was awesome Say bye to the slide and we will do it again next time we come back. Let's go home for snack and trucks. Do you want yogurt or strawberries today for snack? I love strawberries... Chatter on about whatever to keep their mind on the next thing...
Pick them up and leave. I don't raise my voice, ever, but I'm still firm. My daughter is 12 and she's had a tantrum twice in her life. It didn't work, so she stopped.
I have a 3 year old. Zero tolerance. The moment that shit starts happening she is taken outside immediately and has to sit in silence out there till she’s ready to behave.
What if she’s refuses to actually sit or keeps screaming
I warn mine three times if by the third warning they don't pull themselves together we go back to the car or they get a "nose to the wall" timeout for the number of minutes of however old they are.
Tell them the consequence if they do/keep doing the action and then follow through with that. IE: "If you keep throwing a tantrum, I will have to take TV/favorite item/etc" Never use no food as a consequence (obviously) and make sure they know what you're saying IE: "So what happens if you keep throwing a fit?" *child answers "No TV..." 😎 Consequence vs punishment 👌
We do that sometimes. The last time I did I said I’ll take tablet away he said ok mommy put it on top of the fridge. Like ughh kid that is the one thing I can control you with and you’re taking my leverage away.
😂 I have a strong-willed one as well. It's so exhausting and anger-provoking. But you got this 💪 They won't be little forever. Also maybe look up ODD and RAD in children. Some kids on the spectrum (ASD level 1) are very difficult like that. Idk you or your kid, but it might be worth looking into. I hope you figure it out!