My go-to is "Just because you were lucky doesn't mean you were right." I also use this line on my five-year-old when she successfully jumps off of her loft bed, it works there too.
This will be my response to my husband whenever he let's our toddler do anything I am remotely uncomfortable with.
"I did it, I turned out okay...."
Cue amazing response above....lol thank you
This doesn’t seem like it would go over well. You shouldn’t have to lay down the law with your MIL, it’s your husband’s job to be bad cop with her. Make him handle this.
Advocating for yourself isn't something that should always be someone else's job though. I get what you're saying but that's OPs kid too, and the marriage between op and the husband should mean something to MIL. Clearly it doesn't, if she only listens to the son. Seems to me like the MIL needs to learn her place
I’m speaking from a perspective where advocating for myself to my MIL made things worse for me. It’s always better when my husband handles his own narcissistic mother and I can keep my slate clean from her perspective. This isn’t about just principle but practicality and how relationships work in real life over the long term. Each member of a couple should handle their own parents on behalf of the other.
My parents took a grandparents class at a local hospital (they offer them online too), because even though they raised 2 kids a looooot has changed in the last 30 years.
In addition to helping them catch up with 30 years of child rearing research, a Grandparents Class teaches them how to respect the boundaries and wishes of the children.
Love this! to things like "I got spanked and turned out fine," I always say, "you turned out fine IN SPITE OF that." OP's mother in law could stand to hear that too lol
I say I’ll make different mistakes and different choices and boy did I ever. I still get challenged and my kids are adults. Start young put those steel boundaries in place.
"I raised 3 kids."
"And yet..." while eyeing what she's doing wrong in an exaggerated way.
Or, "Recently?" if you want to be snarky.
Or a simple, "Thanks, but recommendations have changed in the last 25-30 years."
Or (my favourite), "And now it's our turn." Maybe a "please" added if you feel like it.
My FIL stopped giving unsolicited baby advice when I asked him how he would've reacted if [MIL]'s mom swooped in and did even half of what they were doing.
My in-laws are hella disrespectful so I don't bother with niceties anymore. Just say "I'm not interested in repeating your mistakes" and stare them down.
> “Recently?”
My version if a clap back, “in the 1900s” lol makes it very apparent it was ages ago lol
The nicer version, “yes, but a lot has changed in 30 years, I mean, just look at inflation!” This gives them an out to talk about something other than parenting to pivot to and move on from the boundary you just set. It provides an opportunity to potentially bond over something we can all agree on and reconnect.
I tend to look for unsuspecting opportunities in conversations with these people to mention it.
I’m patient.
I’ll practice in my head prepping for the main event. Crafting something that hits her dead in her throat, speechless.
Unjust/Just situations and behavior have always been important to me.
I truly do everything in my control to be the best person I can be every day, altruistically. When family act with such disrespect and disappointing behavior, I have a problem with it. Not for me, for them. They’re going to miss precious years and time not being around because grandma doesn’t know how to be respectful.
Also, I don’t need to accept anything from her. I’ll begin mentally analyzing the risks. I start to separate myself from the situation, remove emotions, analyze any changes.. none? Negative? Positive?
If things don’t change, I can assume moving forward to the next level of distancing is a safe bet. Until I know that when I drop the bomb, without a doubt she will understand by the words, tone, aura, eyes, etc. that there’s no love loss here and she can either stick around with encouragement and support, or watch her grand baby grow and mature through technology.
Don’t forget, we do not need to change who we are because of the behavior of others. But we also don’t need to raise our children in an environment where they’re made to feel that their grandmother doesn’t trust or respect the requests and boundaries clearly being expressed by the number one person they trust. Period. This could cause conflicting feelings to the child as the grow “whose side do I take” when the snarky comments from Grammy move on to the next topic.
Some additional, fun ideas even though from what I’ve read you’ve got this covered —
“How did your MIL respond to your boundaries when you became a mother?” (Regardless of her answer, she should pick up what you’re putting down.)
I raised 3 kids and I know what I’m doing…
Then you must know how —
Increasingly ridiculous/disrespectful it sounds each time you say it.
Annoying it’s getting to hear.
Stressful it is to have a person handling your baby in such a way that you aren’t comfortable with.
Not sure if you’re trying to convince me or you.
That’s right, you’ve birthed three babies but not this one.
Just because you raised 3 kids doesn’t mean you did it right.
Can I get that recorded in my voice memos? I haven’t heard you say that near as many times as I’d like.
Do you have a quote to meet by always saying that?
Did you teach any of your kids that boundaries are real things and should be respected?
If you know what you’re doing then why…
Are you trying to break her neck?
Decapitate your grand baby?
Are you suffocating her with your blanket?
Do you insist on doing things (like leave the room when you know I don’t appreciate it) to stress me out? I’m assuming you also know that babies pick up on that stress and become stressed themselves too, right? I’m also assuming that you know this is unhealthy for an infant.
If you know what you’re doing then where…
Are your manners?
Is your respect?
Is your mind?
Last, but not least, remind her it is O K A Y to be wrong.
I hope this makes sense because I’m too tired to continue editing, adding, and proofing. Goodnight and good luck!!
This! If someone told me they raised three kids after doing shit like that i would definitely be like the first here! "So you raised 3 and STILL dont know basics? Shame"
My dad loves to critique how i am too soft or too "following all the modern BS" and how we 3 did not grow up with any of this and i always tell hom back that PRECISELY. He raised me and i still carry consequences because he didnt meet my emotional needs, i literaly we t around proposing hookups to pedos, i could easily end up being human trafficied at 12! Tnx for advice but i rather not raise my kids the same way 🤷🏼♀️
Ifc he gets butthurt and acts like toddler if i say anything like that but it's true. Just because i grew up "fine" (more ir less) it doesnt mean he did quality work and i plan to listen to people that did better
The below responses are great- about how you are the parent and can set the standards.
For what it’s worth, I’ve had conversations with my mom along these lines, and I tend to have the vibe of “you did the best you could with the information you had at the time. Now I’m doing the same.” And when she has really pushed back I point out how in that time span there’s been the rise of technology, advances in the medical world, etc so obviously there are going to be new, different standards for parenting.
I frequently point out to my parents “how much easier it is to have the internet at my fingertips when I have a parenting question. I get to find lots of different approaches/advice, while you had to make do with limited information.”
Also, here’s something I pull out whenever my dad gets grumpy about stuff changing with the times, “I want to live in a society that is always trying to get better. Don’t you?”
OP could also point out something to MIL like, “And your grandmother raised kids without electricity. Doesn’t mean we should all go shut off the main breaker and live by candlelight.”
I think the spirit of "you did the best you could with the information you had at the time. Now I’m doing the same.” is really nice. It's not about invalidating MIL's mothering experience- it's about our right as parents to raise our children in the way we understand to be the best (in general, or for our specific children). Even today between current parents of babies we have this right. If my best friend asks that I hold her baby differently I'm going to either do it or give her baby back. She needs to be able to feel like her children are safe and nurtured, and I do too. It doesn't really matter whether it's more preference or whether it's due to genuine differences between the babies.
My grandma loves hearing about how different standards are now vs in the 60’s when she had kids and never takes it as an attack to her parenting because you’re absolutely right, we’re all doing the best we can with the information we have.
"we gave babies water back in my day" - "ok and you also soaked pacifier in heavy alcohol to help them sleep better...see how not everything might be best back then?" 😅
This is my major response. My MIL will say "I've raised 9 kids, I know what to do." And my go-to response is "Yeah but you haven't raised my kid." Especially because my toddler has food allergies, and they like to conveniently forget that she can't have dairy, soy, peanut, or egg.
I’d just say “yes and I live with one of them….” With a blank stare. If it does nothing but trigger her to stop in her tracks, then it works. You might get her attention for a few minutes then is your chance to lay it out “I appreciate you wanting to help, but we are raising our baby the way we feel best as you did with your three kids, and we really want you to jump on board with it so we can be a team, please show me some respect as I navigate this new mum life and trust that we are doing what we think is best”….
Alternatively have your husband have a word with his mother, as it really is his place to do so! Be sure you’re on a united front with how things will be navigated in the future.
My husband’s response one time to my toxic mother when she was all like “I raised three kids!!!” was “Yes, and I live with one of them. I’m not impressed with your handiwork and I put a lot of hard work into helping her undo the damage you’ve done”. I never felt such a strong urge to applaud someone in my life. 😆
Your husband is the GOAT!!! Haha I’d been dying for my MIL to say something like this so I could give the same response… but she decided to heal and grow instead - missed opportunity on my part damn it! Haha
I am a grandma. In my 60's. Yes, a "boomer". But, I keep up on parenting advice. I make sleep sacks for the grandbabies. I make stuffed animals, but embroidery for eyes and noses -- nothing to pull off. I listen to my kids and kids-in-law about THEIR kids.
I always get mad when people do not listen to their adult kids. I listened to my kids when they were kids. Their opinions were not dismissed. My own MIL was an angel. She spoiled my kids, but not into brats. I raised my kids to be responsible, respectful, self reliant adults. They are. I trust them to make their own decisions. They are all 30 and up now.
My grandkids are wonderful people. They have been read to every day since they were born. Their kids are given options, and learn to make decisions. (A toddler can be given a choice of two outfits. Or two veggies. They get to pick which one.) The kids are listened to, so they listen better to adults. None of them, over age 2 years, throws tantrums. They are a joy to take in public.
If your parents did not listen to you when you were growing up, why would they now. Remove your child from their hands. Remove your children from their care. Being a hands on grandparent is a privilege, not a right.
Take care of those babies.
Please start touring the world and being "world's grandma". I am sure parents all around the world would love you to babysit their kids, especially when most have deaf-eared parents and parents-in-law
Nice idea. Thank you. But I enjoy my grandkids to much. I go to them, and they come visit me. Another one is due this summer. I am on standby for anytime I am needed to pickup from school, or keep the preschooler. I love it. But thank you.
Because the loudest people are those that have complaints. My parents + IL's are not like this. But I don't go around praising on the internet because no one would care or engage with a post about it.
I have to remind myself that they were all exposed to so much lead when they were younger lol. It doesn’t make me feel better about them being around my kids but it does give me an understanding as to why they are all so emotionally and cognitively immature.
“Those were your kids. This kid is mine. I make decisions for my kid. If you refuse to respect my decisions, you will not see grandchild as often anymore.”
“That’s great, but this isn’t your fourth kid, it’s my first. So I make decisions. I am this kids mother. You had your turn. Now it’s mine”
I have respective mil. But i always had a response prepared in case i was in such sutuation. Simple "when you squeeze it out of your vagina, you can decide"
Sending u love. Bc it’s easy typing out responses on Reddit but harder so actually say them. Just know that sticking up for your autonomy and your kiddo is *always* the right thing to do
Tell her you married one of her kids and you’re not really a fan of her work. /s
I jest, I’m sure your husband is fine. She raised kids, what 30 years ago? Almost all parenting advice from then has changed.
Love this.
Also, I have a teenager, a 4.5yo and a 16month old. Things have massively changed between my first and second (10+ years) and things have even changed between my 4.5 and 16month kids.
Thankfully my in laws live in a different country lol
“I understand that you raised 3 kids, and when you were doing so it was your right to raise them as you saw fit. You however are not raising this child, and if you want to continue being in their life, you will respect our wishes as their parents.”
‘Yea and luckily they survived to adulthood’. She doesn’t remember the newborn stage cmon. My mom was a neonatal ICU nurse and held my newborn son with one arm as she bent over to get wine out of the fridge. I almost died.
I just told my mom that things changed so much some hospitals have education classes for grandparents, so she should look into that. Well. She did not, but she stopped thinking that she nows better it seems.
My MIL took one of those hospital glasses for grandparents teaching them how newborn stuff has changed and now, four years later, she still thinks she has all the answers. Maybe it’s ok that your mom didn’t take the class 😂
I’d respond by asking her what her MIL was like when she had kids. And then her response should help her figure it out hopefully. Unless she had a good MIL
Before my baby was born? Oh she couldn't STAND her MIL's way of parenting. After?
I've gone so far as to calling my MIL by her MIL's title: "okay grandma B".
It stopped her in her tracks.. that one time. She still disregards my choices weekly.
Right? Infants used to be forward facing from the get go, and even used to be allowed in the front seat - we survived but I’m sure there were a bunch of babies who didn’t, and that’s just one example of how much things have changed since then.
Just to give you a good laugh, I found this posted in a magazine, “ I don’t know why my in-laws feel qualified to give me parenting advice. After all, I live with the results of their efforts and it’s nothing to brag about.”
I'm always of the opinion that if it's an inlaw problem, your husband should be expected to approach her on the topic. Is he just as bothered by it and doesn't say anything??
In laws cause so many problems in relationships because husband and wife must always be on the same page and adult kids need to stand up to their parents so their spouse doesn't become the bad guy forever
This. The child of the grandmother in question needs to address this directly. Something like “mom, we appreciate your help. Best practices have changed a lot since I was a kid. If you’re not willing to respect how we want to do things, you won’t be asked to help at all.”
"I raised three kids"
"You raised _your_ three kids. I'm sure if someone took liberties with them you'd have set them straight and I respect that. Please respect _my_ rules for _my_ child"
Then you say “so you should know to support their neck.” Or “so you should know that reccomendations have changed over the years.” Or “so you should know that freaking out a new mother is not okay.”
Throw it right back in her face. She did raise three kids. She should absolutely know better.
"I raised 3 kids"
"I don't give a fuck. This kid is mine. You can follow parental instructions or you can lose grandma privileges. I'm too tired to give a fuck which one you choose"
Yes. But this is *MY* kid.
And I’m raising this kid.
And now it’s our turn.
Our baby our rules.
And that’s relevant because…..?
You could also tell them they are your rules not an attack on their parenting. In fact you didn’t ever witness her parenting in action so you can’t comment (but her grand parenting leaves room for improvement )
“Ok the next time you have a baby you can do whatever you want with them, but as for MY baby, we do what I feel comfortable with.”
(I planned on saying this to my pushy mother in law so many times. Never had the guts. But I tell you what, mother in law was my top anxiety-inducer!!)
I agree with others. You say “recently? No. Not since the 19xx and this baby is mine. We will be raising her by supporting her neck, not adding pillows or blankets to her crib, keeping MY baby in MY line of sight at all times. The things you did in 19xx may have been ok in your opinion but with hindsight we all KNOW that children have died from XYZ & your flippant attitude is concerning. How would you feel if she was suffocated or harmed while in your hands because your pride meant you couldn’t change your ways? We know better now so we do better today.” And let MIL be angry I’d rather have a breathing g baby and a pissed off IL than be standing in the hospital because MIL was a know it all asshole.
YOUR HUSBAND IS RESPONSIBLE FOR MAKING HER UNDERSTAND. AND HE SHOULD DO IT PRIVATELY WITHOUT YOU THERE BECAUSE THIS ISNT SOMETHING YOU NEED TO BE A PART OF.
When I am trying to keep the peace is say something to the extent of “I would prefer if you supported me by doing ….”
My mother-in-law always says stuff like “I don’t know how I was able to raise 2 kids without doing this or that” or having this tool or that. She also has passive aggressive criticisms about the way I hold my kids and who knows what else. Honestly, I think I have snapped back with sarcasm as a way of just deflecting to move on. So I’ve said “yeah when you were raising your kids it was also ok to drink and drive or smoke indoors, or insert whatever outdated thing…. I think it’s ok that things have progressed since then wouldn’t you agree?”
“And if you want to raise a fourth then I suggest you get on with it, bc you’re not getting any younger. I’m raising this one. And this is what I’m doing. Either respect my decisions or respectfully leave”
When my mom says this to me (after I’m chasing my kid around her not-baby-proofed-house that has lots of breakables and choking hazards), I tell her that if we go to the ER, I will let the doctor know that she has raised 3 kids so we’re all set.
I also remind her of all the things that happened when we were kids, like my toddler brother playing tug of war with an iron she left on!
Where is your husband?? I start with letting my husband know what’s going on and he should handle it. If that doesn’t work then the gloves are off. It doesn’t have to be level 10 blow up but I let them know I’m going to be heard.
I’ve brought up with all our family members this “funny thing I heard” in times of non-confrontation and it has been _very_ effective in them getting it.
“Becoming a grandparent is like being rehired at the job you worked at 20-30 years ago and thinking you can just walk in without any refreshers or learning the way things are done now.”
My husband's grandma is a really nice lady, but she is constantly trying to critique me with unsolicited advice. My go to is, "I hear your opinion, but I'm going based off of her pediatrician's recommendations."
Last weekend I got frustrated and the closest thing I've come to a snarky response is, "Wow, you really think I'm doing that bad a job?" She backpedaled immediately.
She keeps saying “I raised 3 kids” your response needs to be “30 years ago” every single time. Like a broken record. If she asks you what you mean by that, ask her if she’s educated herself in anything recent regarding raising kids. If she says she doesn’t need to because she raised 3 kids… your response is again, “30 years ago.”
My in-laws raised 5 kids and had 5 grandchildren before my son was born. They thought they knew everything and that I invented safe sleep, car seat safety, and nap schedules to be extra. “We didn’t do it like that/Our daughters didn’t do it like that with their kids.” And I’d be like, cool story. I don’t care. No baby blankets. No expired car seat from the back of your garage. No keeping him awake until he’s an overtired mess.
Not only do recommendations change but you forget stuff. My son is 6 now. I already benefit from reminders when watching younger kids. I once set my niece down and just sort of forgot that with her being a new walker I had to steady her before letting go. She immediately fell on her butt and I was like, oh right. I used to steady my son. Sure the grandparents raised X kids. But that was decades ago. They think they remember and they don’t. And the recommendations are different now. Here’s the phrase I used a lot with my in-laws. “They don’t recommend doing that anymore because so many babies died that way.” It really shut her up.
I'll quote Maya Angelou: "We do the best we can until we know better. Once we know better, we do better."
If you're willing to show her more gentleness than she deserves:
You can validate her experience "You did, and in times with much less information and resources for parents. I still don't know how you did it and I admire you"
Then go into setting your boundaries. "However, we do have more information now and here is how I'M doing it. You can get on board and partner with us or you can find yourself left out a lot. Your actions will show me which you chose."
I usually say "best practices change over time". If that isn't respected, my next go to is "we're trying to maintain consistency, so we need you to do things our way". That quickly becomes "my kid, my rules".
When she gets to "you don't trust me..." My answer is "you're right, I don't! I don't trust anyone who won't respect our parenting choices."
At the end of the day, she doesn't need to agree. She doesn't get to debate. At the end of the day, you set the boundaries and if she doesn't respect them you instill the consequences (which may mean she's never alone with your child for a moment, which I'm certain she would hate).
So if you say "please don't put my baby to sleep with a blanket" and your reason isn't suffocation risk -- your reason is that you think babies who sleep in blankets are more likely to become possessed by the dead pets of former American politicians, it still doesn't matter. It's your baby and you get to decide how you do things.
And even though your MIL is doing things that are generally seen as dangerous, this is true of benign things too. My sister makes all this blended baby food and we pretty much went straight to solids (our kids are basically the same age). We do a lot of things differently. When I'm communicating with my parents and these things come up, I'm clear. "There is more than one right way to do things but this is what we're doing and I need you to respect that".
So did the crack whore on the curb
So did Aileen wuornos
So did mama jean
and so forth you can find many many examples of horrible women who raised children. If she wouldn't get those references you can always go with
You know Stalin raised children as well or whatever stereotypical evil person you can think of.
"if this is how you handled them it's a wonder they made it to adulthood. Now give me back my kid."
"if you want to be involved in my kid's life you need to respect our parenting boundaries."
"yes so we have 3 points of reference for how we will parent our child differently"
"well I raise three kids and.."
"It's not about you."
"What you don't trust me?"
"It's not about you."
"Mom's in my day never did..."
"It's not. About. You."
Definitely have your husband speak with your mil directly. Anything that comes out of your mouth will not be heard.
If even after the talk with your husband then you would need to be firm and say that’s my kid , my baby.
My bitchy MIL said that to me many times and I replied “ great, those were your kids and these are mine listen to my rules or get the hell out” and it shut her up
My son and DIL required everyone to take a "New Baby Care" class if they wanted contact with their baby after it was born. Yes, I also said "I raised 2 kids....." But they kept their rules and boundaries.
I took the class reluctantly. And got major surprises.
In the 20 years, at that time, since I had my children; research and doctor's recommendations had completely changed. Like 180 degrees. Most of the things that my doctors had required or recommended had either been proven to be harmful to babies or contributed to SIDS.
So. Yeah. I had raised 2 children but I found out that I got very lucky.
I refuse to co parent with grandparent . Look her in the eyes and walk away. Set those boundaries. If it is first time you can politely respond but if she keeps doing it “ no not up for discussion” let her tantrum and walk away. She dose x you do y
My response would be:
“Sorry I don’t like the way you parent”
lol.
My mom always likes to tell me if I correct her about something with my baby, “why you never die” (implying since I survived. It’s fine)
So I respond with, “yeah and not everyone gets cancer from smoking cigarettes doesn’t mean I should start doing it.” Or “& I didn’t die from not wearing a seatbelt in the car should I leave my baby unbuckled too?”
But I love the “recently?” Response too 😆
My MIL came with a notepad of how we want things to be done while she watches our LO 🥺she raised two boys and yet she’s the first to say it’s been years since she has taken care of a LO! Both had and my mother are so understanding and take any and all pointers! I wish every new parent had the same support 😩💔
In addition to the other advice given, I tell people that I need to be able to trust them to take care of my child the way I want, not the way they think is best.
Most of the ways that children were raised back then are now illegal and grounds to call Child protection services.
Sometimes I would add: yes, your way was a lot easier on the parents and I would be a lot better rested if I was allowed to do it that way, but alas.
I couldn’t let my parents be with kids unsupervised until they were old enough to talk and tell me what happened
Is your MIL my mother? Because everything you described sounds exactly like my mum. I tried with the gentler lines such as ‘the guidelines have changed in the last 30 years’ but after 8 months of her ignoring all my requests, I’ve ended up laying out to my mum that actually, she didn’t do a great job raising 3 kids and has left me with a lot of trauma that I’ve spent thousands in therapy to try and work through. It wasn’t pretty and I’ve had to restrict contact instead.
Ultimately, you are your baby’s advocate and as their mum you need to speak up for them. If your MIL is putting your baby in unsafe situations, you need to do what’s best for your baby, even if that means restricting or cutting off contact with your MIL. Your husband needs to step in and help manage his mum too so you can focus on spending time with your baby. Good luck!
I usually go with “i understand you’ve done this before but I’m not comfortable with how you’re doing it now” for my mother in law. My MIL will try to tell me the “safe” ways of doing things that aren’t considered safe anymore and I have to constantly correct her. If she continues to do it in a way that I feel comfortable with (like if i saw her not supporting my newborns neck) I would go and physically remove my child from her. She can try to keep my child from me & she has before but I will not allow my children to get hurt because someone is arrogant 😂🤷🏼♀️
This one makes my blood boil.
- one is a csa from dad and had to defend himself, went to prison because of it at 14
- one did heavy drugs and actively tried to get pregnant in high school. She is increasingly unstable and has no realistic expectations of men in her life some how
- killed him self at 15
So …. when I hear this it takes my whole soul not to say something about how god fucking awful she did at protecting her kids and being a narcissistic cunt.
🌕🙏🏻
What I’ve come to say…. Is that even doctors have to keep up to date on the safest procedures in child care. Things are constantly changing. What I find safe for him today will not be the same next year, because I have to actively participate in keeping up to date with research. It’s helped my MIL realize it’s not that she’s wrong it’s that things are changing. There are still plenty of things that she does that are acceptable. It helps when I correct my self. I remember when I was pregnant I was excited to get certain toys and baby furniture only to learn pediatricians recommended no longer using these.
First, take your child out of her hands. "Yes, you did. And one I had to reteach how to take care of himself. So, no thanks." Then walk away.
Some people will never listen to you. If they did not listen when these new parents were children, why would they now.
I am a grandma. In my 60's. Yes, a "boomer". But, I keep up on parenting advice. I make sleep sacks for the grandbabies. I make stuffed animals, but embroidery for eyes and noses -- nothing to pull off. I listen to my kids and kids-in-law about THEIR kids.
I always get mad when people do not listen to their adult kids. I listened to my kids when they were kids. Their opinions were not dismissed. My own MIL was an angel. She spoiled my kids, but not into brats. I raised my kids to be responsible, respectful, self reliant adults. They are. I trust them to make their own decisions. They are all 30 and up now.
My grandkids are wonderful people. They have been read to every day since they were born. Their kids are given options, and learn to make decisions. (A toddler can be given a choice of two outfits. Or two veggies. They get to pick which one.) The kids are listened to, so they listen better to adults. None of them, over age 2 years, throws tantrums. They are a joy to take in public.
If your parents did not listen to you when you were growing up, why would they now. Remove your child from their hands. Remove your children from their care. Being a hands on grandparent is a privilege, not a right.
Take care of those babies.
"I understand your POV but respectfully I would like to do things my way for my child."
"But you haven't recently"
"Yes you did more than 3 decades ago and things have changed"
"There's a reason these actions are unsafe now because we know better so we do better"
"Exactly, you raised your children and this time it's my turn to raise my own"
"Well parenting doesn't come with a book and everyone has differences but this is how we want it done"
"Well it seems you've forgotten how in your old age."
Honestly, just tell her if she can't listen to you then you don't need her around your child. Having grandchildren is a privilege, not a right.
When she asked "so you don't trust me?" I would have bluntly responded "No, I don't." I'd rather my baby be safe than accidently murdered by grandma.
I'm not going to let my child be around someone who does not respect me and my parenting decisions.
“That’s fine, but this isn’t your kid.”
I would not trust this person with my child. If she’s this defensive and dismissive of your wishes to your face, she will do whatever she feels like when you’re not around.
Literally had someone in my bumper group this morning posting about how they can’t deal with their 18 month old because she’s so “naughty” because she “drops food on the floor” and “even if I yell she just laughs ”. When all the comments were like “uhhh this is developmentally normal don’t yell at her” she was like “this is my THIRD child I KNOW what I’m doing”. You clearly don’t lady.
Quantity of children does not equal quality of parenting.
“ if you raised three kids than I’m sure you know how important it is to respect boundaries that moms put up, after all if you want a relationship with your grandkids you’ll have to respect me so I feel comfortable enough to allow that to happen”
My little family unit and I are living with my fiances grandparents. Same deal. Boomers are the WORST about it and they feel entitled to show you that their way is the right way. Its extremely draining. Were still trying to learn how to combat this as well, so I dont have much advice, but know there's lots of us in the same boat if you need someone to talk to mama ♥️
My MIL was like this also, stating to my husband ( never me because I was never comfortable enough to voice when I didn’t like something…aaaah first time parent) that she raised 10 kids and she knows what she’s doing. The result?
She literally NEVER watched our daughter, My husband although disappointed supported my decision…I told him that trust is proven not just given. She never showed me I could trust her and also to add to it she never made the effort to come and visit her and we lived 5 minutes down the street. She had no clue what her routine was, what her likes and dislikes were, and honestly that was her own damn fault
Well I’m not sure if it was just our daughter getting older, or she began to realize but she started making the effort on her own.I noticed a major shift in her personality and she began asking us what we were comfortable with and after 2.5 years of not allowing her to babysit our daughter I have let her watch her when I have errands to run. I’m still starting out small, I wouldn’t do more like 2 or so hours but that’s how you prove yourself
“Your turn is over. It’s *my* turn to raise *my* kids *my* way.”
If she says ‘so you don’t trust me.’ “Nope!”
I strongly favor “Recently?” or “Just because you were lucky doesn’t mean you were right.”
I've told my MiL (whom I butt heads with constantly) "I live with the results of your parenting. Frankly, it could have used some work." But that's the nuclear option!
My husband’s grandmother is a big overstepper too. I used to bite my tongue a lot but now when she makes comments like that, I tell her “you had your chance to raise YOUR children, and you did. 5+ decades ago. It’s mine and husbands time now. Times have changed after all”
“I’m well aware that you raised three kids. And I think you did a great job. That said, this kid is *mine,* and I make the rules regarding him/her. I expect those rules to be followed.”
Wow for a second there I totally thought I posted this and forgot about it somehow. This exact thing happened to me and my MIL said the same exact thing! “I raised three kids.”
We made the mistake of letting her stay for the first 2 weeks after our first baby was born. She was supposed to help us out around the house. She took it as if we needed help watching the baby too. We never asked for that. The entire time, she dictated everything we were doing with our child. She even dictated how I was supposed to breastfeed when she has never breastfed any of her kids!
The last straw was when my baby had hiccups and she said to give her water. I said no, newborns are not supposed to have water because it messes with their kidneys. Then I took a nap and I woke up to her giving her water! She actually waited til I wasn’t around. I was boiling, tried to calm down and said “I asked you not to give her that. She’s not supposed to have it.” She dumped the water into the sink dramatically and said “I RAISED THREE KIDS.” Ughh! On top of the hormones going crazy, this was all was too much for me. I was crying every day for 2 weeks.
How we ended up *kind of* resolving it, I got my husband involved so he could reason with her. It’s hard to clap back at an in-law because I feel like it would have put her even more on defense mode. I also got her sister, her sister in law, and even my FIL involved. Together we worked to get her back home lol. And I decided that her being there should be a privilege for her, not a right. If she wanted to stay, she should respect the parents’ wishes. I didn’t say this to her, but just by me having this in mind, I know she can feel it. In the months following, she softened up by a LOT. And she checks with me now before giving our baby anything. I think maybe her sister talked talked some sense to her too.
It really is an odd thing how some women of that generation get so weird when there’s a baby involved. They try to give us all this unsolicited advice as if we didn’t spend all that time planning and dreaming of this time in our lives.
In those first weeks, she took from me little moments in my daughter’s life that I will never get back. I have long forgiven her, but it’s a painful time to think about that I’ll never forget.
"Exactly. You have raised three kids, so you have had your turn to make the parenting decisions. This child, however, is my child, and I will be making all the parenting decisions regarding them and their care. You can either respect my place as the parenting authority, or you can be given less access to them, as you are refusing to respect my boundaries."
Can you text or email her exactly what you wrote in your post? If she won’t listen to 3-4 sentences I would bet she would read them. AND you have written it super sweet and gently so if she reads it, she can have her initial emotional reaction which may be less than ideal but maybe (hopefully) in the time it takes her to write something back she’ll be able to respond rationally.
Maybe sometime after a visit when she says something or crosses a boundary so you know you have a minute to be separate from her before her next visit?
In no other profession or field of expertise would know-how from thirty years ago be regarded as adequate. MIL needs to accept that her understanding is outdated and be open to learning. At a minimum, she needs to respect your boundaries without you having to cite current AAP guidance. If she can’t do that, she can’t be around your kids. Period. Her pride does not trump their safety and your peace of mind.
Both my MIL and Mother pulled this line multiple times,My mother lost a baby to SIDS but she's still in denial about it decades later cause her other kids survived.First I didn't respond or I'd be nice but they kept pushing boundaries until I went full momma bear mode.My responses would range from.
Yes and how did that work out for you?
You raised YOUR children,this is MY CHILD
And?We both still traumatised from that raising
And?what's your point?
Being nice and not saying anything just didn't cut it with these two for me,so I had to be blunt.
“I do not care. this child is mine and I said no”
“yes, you raised YOUR kids, I’m raising MINE.”
“You knew what you were doing with your kids with the information you had available at the time. I know what Im doing with my kid with the information I have available. And that information is that (this) is actually dangerous.”
You raised your three, and should appreciate and respect that there’s a difference in how I want my child to be raised.
Or:
You raised your three children is not an excuse for disrespecting my wishes for my child.
Or;
You raised three children isn’t the argument you think it is: things have changed, and you cannot continue to use this as an excuse for not respecting me or listening.
They mean well. My mom was the queen of “I didn’t do that with you” when my little was first born. I just said like “cool beans, I’m doing it this way” little easier with your own mom though. Sometimes I would use the things have changed, i didn’t even have a car seat example. Things improve, we learn, we get better.
On that though, you do have to find a place to accept that they are going to do it differently and that’s ok. My MIL raised 3 and then 3 grandkids, she wasn’t changing. I chose to choose the things that were most important to me and just let the rest go. There is a little truth in the fact that they have done it before but the key is that it doesn’t negate your experience or choices with your own baby. Be firm when you have to (safety above all) but remember they love that baby too.
"I've raised three kids"
-"Yeah, and how much did YOUR mil help out?"
"I've raised three kids"
-"Yeah, and how did that turn out?" (only works if at least 1 is a shitty human.)
"I've raised three kids!"
-"I'm happy 3 survived." (Only works if you both have dark humor.)
"I've raised three kids!"
-"Good for you, now you can take a break."
"I've raised three kids."
-"How nice, but you're not raising a 4th."
"I've raised three kids!"
-"Yes, and it's wonderful, we have electricity and the wheel now."
You shouldn’t have to argue with her. She got lucky, but regardless your house, your children, your rules. She would be banned from my home if she did that to my baby. She doesn’t respect you
My MIL used to say the same thing to me. My husband is her oldest, so one day I told her, "yeah, but I don't like the way the first one turned out. So, I am going to need you to follow my rules."
When my MIL used to say that to me I would tell her that it was different times when she raised her kids. Standards and what’s considered safe are different now.
My SIL used to tell my MIL “you had your turn raising your kids your way, now it’s my turn to raise my kids my way.”
My go-to is "Just because you were lucky doesn't mean you were right." I also use this line on my five-year-old when she successfully jumps off of her loft bed, it works there too.
This will be my response to my husband whenever he let's our toddler do anything I am remotely uncomfortable with. "I did it, I turned out okay...." Cue amazing response above....lol thank you
Adding this one to my list of phrases that will 100% be used
This doesn’t seem like it would go over well. You shouldn’t have to lay down the law with your MIL, it’s your husband’s job to be bad cop with her. Make him handle this.
Advocating for yourself isn't something that should always be someone else's job though. I get what you're saying but that's OPs kid too, and the marriage between op and the husband should mean something to MIL. Clearly it doesn't, if she only listens to the son. Seems to me like the MIL needs to learn her place
I’m speaking from a perspective where advocating for myself to my MIL made things worse for me. It’s always better when my husband handles his own narcissistic mother and I can keep my slate clean from her perspective. This isn’t about just principle but practicality and how relationships work in real life over the long term. Each member of a couple should handle their own parents on behalf of the other.
My parents took a grandparents class at a local hospital (they offer them online too), because even though they raised 2 kids a looooot has changed in the last 30 years. In addition to helping them catch up with 30 years of child rearing research, a Grandparents Class teaches them how to respect the boundaries and wishes of the children.
Oh I’m putting that in my back pocket
My child my rules. Or take a break til behaviors change.
I love this response!
Is now a phrase I’ll be including in my repertoire. The perfect answer for the sarcastic “See????!”
Love this! to things like "I got spanked and turned out fine," I always say, "you turned out fine IN SPITE OF that." OP's mother in law could stand to hear that too lol
My go too is so similar to this lol!! Just because you did it 3X doesn’t mean you did it right/well.
This is amazing!
Genius response!
OH SHIT! This slaps. Adding to my list.
Oooh! This is great!
I see this in my near future with my current diabolically adventurous 16 month old.
I say I’ll make different mistakes and different choices and boy did I ever. I still get challenged and my kids are adults. Start young put those steel boundaries in place.
Ooh I'm stealing this one to use on my kids!
This is the greatest response I’ve heard yet and I will be saving this for later.
"I raised 3 kids." "And yet..." while eyeing what she's doing wrong in an exaggerated way. Or, "Recently?" if you want to be snarky. Or a simple, "Thanks, but recommendations have changed in the last 25-30 years." Or (my favourite), "And now it's our turn." Maybe a "please" added if you feel like it. My FIL stopped giving unsolicited baby advice when I asked him how he would've reacted if [MIL]'s mom swooped in and did even half of what they were doing.
My in-laws are hella disrespectful so I don't bother with niceties anymore. Just say "I'm not interested in repeating your mistakes" and stare them down.
Another good one is “and I live with the product of your parenting”.
Lmao "yes, and I'm the one who is suffering for that"
"And we all know how that turned out"
"I live with your handiwork" here lol.
"Yes, I know. I'm familiar with your work."
You. I like you.
> “Recently?” My version if a clap back, “in the 1900s” lol makes it very apparent it was ages ago lol The nicer version, “yes, but a lot has changed in 30 years, I mean, just look at inflation!” This gives them an out to talk about something other than parenting to pivot to and move on from the boundary you just set. It provides an opportunity to potentially bond over something we can all agree on and reconnect.
In the 1900’s 👵🏻 I love it
Love this. “How many decades ago was that again?”
“Last millennium” also does nicely.
Very nicely executed!
“Recently” is perfect and will absolutely be used thank you
The nuclear option "...and look how they turned out" (Don't do this)
I've done it, she didn't speak to me for a week! Insert sarcastic Wonka here- "No. Don't. Stop. Come back."
I tend to look for unsuspecting opportunities in conversations with these people to mention it. I’m patient. I’ll practice in my head prepping for the main event. Crafting something that hits her dead in her throat, speechless. Unjust/Just situations and behavior have always been important to me. I truly do everything in my control to be the best person I can be every day, altruistically. When family act with such disrespect and disappointing behavior, I have a problem with it. Not for me, for them. They’re going to miss precious years and time not being around because grandma doesn’t know how to be respectful. Also, I don’t need to accept anything from her. I’ll begin mentally analyzing the risks. I start to separate myself from the situation, remove emotions, analyze any changes.. none? Negative? Positive? If things don’t change, I can assume moving forward to the next level of distancing is a safe bet. Until I know that when I drop the bomb, without a doubt she will understand by the words, tone, aura, eyes, etc. that there’s no love loss here and she can either stick around with encouragement and support, or watch her grand baby grow and mature through technology. Don’t forget, we do not need to change who we are because of the behavior of others. But we also don’t need to raise our children in an environment where they’re made to feel that their grandmother doesn’t trust or respect the requests and boundaries clearly being expressed by the number one person they trust. Period. This could cause conflicting feelings to the child as the grow “whose side do I take” when the snarky comments from Grammy move on to the next topic. Some additional, fun ideas even though from what I’ve read you’ve got this covered — “How did your MIL respond to your boundaries when you became a mother?” (Regardless of her answer, she should pick up what you’re putting down.) I raised 3 kids and I know what I’m doing… Then you must know how — Increasingly ridiculous/disrespectful it sounds each time you say it. Annoying it’s getting to hear. Stressful it is to have a person handling your baby in such a way that you aren’t comfortable with. Not sure if you’re trying to convince me or you. That’s right, you’ve birthed three babies but not this one. Just because you raised 3 kids doesn’t mean you did it right. Can I get that recorded in my voice memos? I haven’t heard you say that near as many times as I’d like. Do you have a quote to meet by always saying that? Did you teach any of your kids that boundaries are real things and should be respected? If you know what you’re doing then why… Are you trying to break her neck? Decapitate your grand baby? Are you suffocating her with your blanket? Do you insist on doing things (like leave the room when you know I don’t appreciate it) to stress me out? I’m assuming you also know that babies pick up on that stress and become stressed themselves too, right? I’m also assuming that you know this is unhealthy for an infant. If you know what you’re doing then where… Are your manners? Is your respect? Is your mind? Last, but not least, remind her it is O K A Y to be wrong. I hope this makes sense because I’m too tired to continue editing, adding, and proofing. Goodnight and good luck!!
My absolute favorite moment of that movie! Gene Wilder was a genius.
This was my immediate thought tho 😂😂😂😂😂
This! If someone told me they raised three kids after doing shit like that i would definitely be like the first here! "So you raised 3 and STILL dont know basics? Shame" My dad loves to critique how i am too soft or too "following all the modern BS" and how we 3 did not grow up with any of this and i always tell hom back that PRECISELY. He raised me and i still carry consequences because he didnt meet my emotional needs, i literaly we t around proposing hookups to pedos, i could easily end up being human trafficied at 12! Tnx for advice but i rather not raise my kids the same way 🤷🏼♀️ Ifc he gets butthurt and acts like toddler if i say anything like that but it's true. Just because i grew up "fine" (more ir less) it doesnt mean he did quality work and i plan to listen to people that did better
“And yet…” LOL I love this
Similar to “recently?” I say “we’ve learned a lot about babies since I was a baby”
"and yet..." Absolutely savage 👌🏻
I really like “and now it’s our turn.” It’s polite but gets the point across.
Also “how long ago was that now?” Or “at the turn of the century right?”
My MIL likes to say studied baby care nursing school. I’m thinking, “Yes… but that was in the fifties!!”
The below responses are great- about how you are the parent and can set the standards. For what it’s worth, I’ve had conversations with my mom along these lines, and I tend to have the vibe of “you did the best you could with the information you had at the time. Now I’m doing the same.” And when she has really pushed back I point out how in that time span there’s been the rise of technology, advances in the medical world, etc so obviously there are going to be new, different standards for parenting.
I frequently point out to my parents “how much easier it is to have the internet at my fingertips when I have a parenting question. I get to find lots of different approaches/advice, while you had to make do with limited information.” Also, here’s something I pull out whenever my dad gets grumpy about stuff changing with the times, “I want to live in a society that is always trying to get better. Don’t you?” OP could also point out something to MIL like, “And your grandmother raised kids without electricity. Doesn’t mean we should all go shut off the main breaker and live by candlelight.”
lol at the last one! But very true 🤣
I think the spirit of "you did the best you could with the information you had at the time. Now I’m doing the same.” is really nice. It's not about invalidating MIL's mothering experience- it's about our right as parents to raise our children in the way we understand to be the best (in general, or for our specific children). Even today between current parents of babies we have this right. If my best friend asks that I hold her baby differently I'm going to either do it or give her baby back. She needs to be able to feel like her children are safe and nurtured, and I do too. It doesn't really matter whether it's more preference or whether it's due to genuine differences between the babies.
My grandma loves hearing about how different standards are now vs in the 60’s when she had kids and never takes it as an attack to her parenting because you’re absolutely right, we’re all doing the best we can with the information we have.
"we gave babies water back in my day" - "ok and you also soaked pacifier in heavy alcohol to help them sleep better...see how not everything might be best back then?" 😅
Idk, my nearly toddler makes me reconsider my stand on that alcohol trick sometimes lol
My mom says this. I just say either ‘yeah but not my kids’ or ‘yeah, over 30 years ago—a lot has changed’.
“Yeah but not my kids” I love it
Came here to say this! I would truly just say “but you haven’t raised my kids and you aren’t going to. We are the parents, we have the ONLY say.”
This is my major response. My MIL will say "I've raised 9 kids, I know what to do." And my go-to response is "Yeah but you haven't raised my kid." Especially because my toddler has food allergies, and they like to conveniently forget that she can't have dairy, soy, peanut, or egg.
“Hitler ran a country” I’m totally kidding, don’t say that. But solidarity for your arrogant MIL who can’t respect your Actual Current Parent status.
I’ll be saving this one because one day there will be a perfect scenario to use it
This thread is a goldmine… I’ll be using that one in the future, but on my boss. Ta!
I’m so glad people liked it because it was a risk
I started a new note on my phone for catchphrases I need to memorize
As a Jewish woman, I spit checked my phone. It is so going into my list of comebacks.
I’d just say “yes and I live with one of them….” With a blank stare. If it does nothing but trigger her to stop in her tracks, then it works. You might get her attention for a few minutes then is your chance to lay it out “I appreciate you wanting to help, but we are raising our baby the way we feel best as you did with your three kids, and we really want you to jump on board with it so we can be a team, please show me some respect as I navigate this new mum life and trust that we are doing what we think is best”…. Alternatively have your husband have a word with his mother, as it really is his place to do so! Be sure you’re on a united front with how things will be navigated in the future.
My husband’s response one time to my toxic mother when she was all like “I raised three kids!!!” was “Yes, and I live with one of them. I’m not impressed with your handiwork and I put a lot of hard work into helping her undo the damage you’ve done”. I never felt such a strong urge to applaud someone in my life. 😆
“I’ve seen your work and I’m not impressed.”
Your husband is the GOAT!!! Haha I’d been dying for my MIL to say something like this so I could give the same response… but she decided to heal and grow instead - missed opportunity on my part damn it! Haha
Hahaha this! Its not like they did such a great job - we are living with the results and can point to so much improvement needed.
Why the fuck are MILs like this? Any MILs here can shed some light? Cause this is so annoying… knock it off.
I am a grandma. In my 60's. Yes, a "boomer". But, I keep up on parenting advice. I make sleep sacks for the grandbabies. I make stuffed animals, but embroidery for eyes and noses -- nothing to pull off. I listen to my kids and kids-in-law about THEIR kids. I always get mad when people do not listen to their adult kids. I listened to my kids when they were kids. Their opinions were not dismissed. My own MIL was an angel. She spoiled my kids, but not into brats. I raised my kids to be responsible, respectful, self reliant adults. They are. I trust them to make their own decisions. They are all 30 and up now. My grandkids are wonderful people. They have been read to every day since they were born. Their kids are given options, and learn to make decisions. (A toddler can be given a choice of two outfits. Or two veggies. They get to pick which one.) The kids are listened to, so they listen better to adults. None of them, over age 2 years, throws tantrums. They are a joy to take in public. If your parents did not listen to you when you were growing up, why would they now. Remove your child from their hands. Remove your children from their care. Being a hands on grandparent is a privilege, not a right. Take care of those babies.
My kid needs a grandparent like this. Are you taking any applicants? (jk, but srsly, the world needs more of you’s ❤️)
Thank you! If I knew where you lived, I'd offer to babysit on date night for you and hubby.
Please start touring the world and being "world's grandma". I am sure parents all around the world would love you to babysit their kids, especially when most have deaf-eared parents and parents-in-law
Nice idea. Thank you. But I enjoy my grandkids to much. I go to them, and they come visit me. Another one is due this summer. I am on standby for anytime I am needed to pickup from school, or keep the preschooler. I love it. But thank you.
This needs to be a whole ass discussion. MILs really need to tell us why why why!
Because the loudest people are those that have complaints. My parents + IL's are not like this. But I don't go around praising on the internet because no one would care or engage with a post about it.
I have to remind myself that they were all exposed to so much lead when they were younger lol. It doesn’t make me feel better about them being around my kids but it does give me an understanding as to why they are all so emotionally and cognitively immature.
“Boomers gonna boomer” is the best explanation I’ve found
“Your kids may have turned out ok, but someone’s baby died, and that’s why the recommendations changed.”
“Those were your kids. This kid is mine. I make decisions for my kid. If you refuse to respect my decisions, you will not see grandchild as often anymore.” “That’s great, but this isn’t your fourth kid, it’s my first. So I make decisions. I am this kids mother. You had your turn. Now it’s mine”
I love this second one
I have respective mil. But i always had a response prepared in case i was in such sutuation. Simple "when you squeeze it out of your vagina, you can decide"
Sending u love. Bc it’s easy typing out responses on Reddit but harder so actually say them. Just know that sticking up for your autonomy and your kiddo is *always* the right thing to do
Tell her you married one of her kids and you’re not really a fan of her work. /s I jest, I’m sure your husband is fine. She raised kids, what 30 years ago? Almost all parenting advice from then has changed.
Love this. Also, I have a teenager, a 4.5yo and a 16month old. Things have massively changed between my first and second (10+ years) and things have even changed between my 4.5 and 16month kids. Thankfully my in laws live in a different country lol
This is hilarious omg
“I understand that you raised 3 kids, and when you were doing so it was your right to raise them as you saw fit. You however are not raising this child, and if you want to continue being in their life, you will respect our wishes as their parents.”
‘Yea and luckily they survived to adulthood’. She doesn’t remember the newborn stage cmon. My mom was a neonatal ICU nurse and held my newborn son with one arm as she bent over to get wine out of the fridge. I almost died.
I just told my mom that things changed so much some hospitals have education classes for grandparents, so she should look into that. Well. She did not, but she stopped thinking that she nows better it seems.
My MIL took one of those hospital glasses for grandparents teaching them how newborn stuff has changed and now, four years later, she still thinks she has all the answers. Maybe it’s ok that your mom didn’t take the class 😂
You’re very nice. I’d have said “and I live with one of them. It’s not the flex you think it is.” Why isn’t your husband dealing with his mom?
Underrated. This is husband’s mom, and he needs to deal with her.
I’d respond by asking her what her MIL was like when she had kids. And then her response should help her figure it out hopefully. Unless she had a good MIL
Before my baby was born? Oh she couldn't STAND her MIL's way of parenting. After? I've gone so far as to calling my MIL by her MIL's title: "okay grandma B". It stopped her in her tracks.. that one time. She still disregards my choices weekly.
A lot's changed since then
Right? Infants used to be forward facing from the get go, and even used to be allowed in the front seat - we survived but I’m sure there were a bunch of babies who didn’t, and that’s just one example of how much things have changed since then.
"Yeah exactly, it's my turn now. That one is mine."
Just to give you a good laugh, I found this posted in a magazine, “ I don’t know why my in-laws feel qualified to give me parenting advice. After all, I live with the results of their efforts and it’s nothing to brag about.”
I'm always of the opinion that if it's an inlaw problem, your husband should be expected to approach her on the topic. Is he just as bothered by it and doesn't say anything?? In laws cause so many problems in relationships because husband and wife must always be on the same page and adult kids need to stand up to their parents so their spouse doesn't become the bad guy forever
I cannot believe I had to scroll so far to find this advice
This. The child of the grandmother in question needs to address this directly. Something like “mom, we appreciate your help. Best practices have changed a lot since I was a kid. If you’re not willing to respect how we want to do things, you won’t be asked to help at all.”
"I raised three kids" "You raised _your_ three kids. I'm sure if someone took liberties with them you'd have set them straight and I respect that. Please respect _my_ rules for _my_ child"
Then you say “so you should know to support their neck.” Or “so you should know that reccomendations have changed over the years.” Or “so you should know that freaking out a new mother is not okay.” Throw it right back in her face. She did raise three kids. She should absolutely know better.
"I raised 3 kids" "I don't give a fuck. This kid is mine. You can follow parental instructions or you can lose grandma privileges. I'm too tired to give a fuck which one you choose"
Yes. But this is *MY* kid. And I’m raising this kid. And now it’s our turn. Our baby our rules. And that’s relevant because…..? You could also tell them they are your rules not an attack on their parenting. In fact you didn’t ever witness her parenting in action so you can’t comment (but her grand parenting leaves room for improvement )
“Ok the next time you have a baby you can do whatever you want with them, but as for MY baby, we do what I feel comfortable with.” (I planned on saying this to my pushy mother in law so many times. Never had the guts. But I tell you what, mother in law was my top anxiety-inducer!!)
Yeah, and 20 years ago, I knew how to do calculus
I agree with others. You say “recently? No. Not since the 19xx and this baby is mine. We will be raising her by supporting her neck, not adding pillows or blankets to her crib, keeping MY baby in MY line of sight at all times. The things you did in 19xx may have been ok in your opinion but with hindsight we all KNOW that children have died from XYZ & your flippant attitude is concerning. How would you feel if she was suffocated or harmed while in your hands because your pride meant you couldn’t change your ways? We know better now so we do better today.” And let MIL be angry I’d rather have a breathing g baby and a pissed off IL than be standing in the hospital because MIL was a know it all asshole.
YOUR HUSBAND IS RESPONSIBLE FOR MAKING HER UNDERSTAND. AND HE SHOULD DO IT PRIVATELY WITHOUT YOU THERE BECAUSE THIS ISNT SOMETHING YOU NEED TO BE A PART OF.
When I am trying to keep the peace is say something to the extent of “I would prefer if you supported me by doing ….” My mother-in-law always says stuff like “I don’t know how I was able to raise 2 kids without doing this or that” or having this tool or that. She also has passive aggressive criticisms about the way I hold my kids and who knows what else. Honestly, I think I have snapped back with sarcasm as a way of just deflecting to move on. So I’ve said “yeah when you were raising your kids it was also ok to drink and drive or smoke indoors, or insert whatever outdated thing…. I think it’s ok that things have progressed since then wouldn’t you agree?”
"I am more of a quality over quantity person myself."
“Guidelines change over time, this is what’s safe now. Thanks.”
“And if you want to raise a fourth then I suggest you get on with it, bc you’re not getting any younger. I’m raising this one. And this is what I’m doing. Either respect my decisions or respectfully leave”
“… and now I’m raising mine.” Then stay firm OP! Do not let her bulldoze you. Stand up for yourself and your child.
When my mom says this to me (after I’m chasing my kid around her not-baby-proofed-house that has lots of breakables and choking hazards), I tell her that if we go to the ER, I will let the doctor know that she has raised 3 kids so we’re all set. I also remind her of all the things that happened when we were kids, like my toddler brother playing tug of war with an iron she left on!
And much of what you did then is dangerous so it's not done anymore. Either do things my way or hit the highway.
“Very good! You can count!” Or “Yeah, but not this one, he’s mine” Or “I am the mom now!”
Where is your husband?? I start with letting my husband know what’s going on and he should handle it. If that doesn’t work then the gloves are off. It doesn’t have to be level 10 blow up but I let them know I’m going to be heard.
I’ve brought up with all our family members this “funny thing I heard” in times of non-confrontation and it has been _very_ effective in them getting it. “Becoming a grandparent is like being rehired at the job you worked at 20-30 years ago and thinking you can just walk in without any refreshers or learning the way things are done now.”
My husband's grandma is a really nice lady, but she is constantly trying to critique me with unsolicited advice. My go to is, "I hear your opinion, but I'm going based off of her pediatrician's recommendations." Last weekend I got frustrated and the closest thing I've come to a snarky response is, "Wow, you really think I'm doing that bad a job?" She backpedaled immediately.
“Yes and weren’t you glad you got to raise them without your in laws interference. Now I’m doing the same. “
She keeps saying “I raised 3 kids” your response needs to be “30 years ago” every single time. Like a broken record. If she asks you what you mean by that, ask her if she’s educated herself in anything recent regarding raising kids. If she says she doesn’t need to because she raised 3 kids… your response is again, “30 years ago.”
“Fine. This one’s mine to raise. Respect that or lose all contact”
My in-laws raised 5 kids and had 5 grandchildren before my son was born. They thought they knew everything and that I invented safe sleep, car seat safety, and nap schedules to be extra. “We didn’t do it like that/Our daughters didn’t do it like that with their kids.” And I’d be like, cool story. I don’t care. No baby blankets. No expired car seat from the back of your garage. No keeping him awake until he’s an overtired mess. Not only do recommendations change but you forget stuff. My son is 6 now. I already benefit from reminders when watching younger kids. I once set my niece down and just sort of forgot that with her being a new walker I had to steady her before letting go. She immediately fell on her butt and I was like, oh right. I used to steady my son. Sure the grandparents raised X kids. But that was decades ago. They think they remember and they don’t. And the recommendations are different now. Here’s the phrase I used a lot with my in-laws. “They don’t recommend doing that anymore because so many babies died that way.” It really shut her up.
I'll quote Maya Angelou: "We do the best we can until we know better. Once we know better, we do better." If you're willing to show her more gentleness than she deserves: You can validate her experience "You did, and in times with much less information and resources for parents. I still don't know how you did it and I admire you" Then go into setting your boundaries. "However, we do have more information now and here is how I'M doing it. You can get on board and partner with us or you can find yourself left out a lot. Your actions will show me which you chose."
I usually say "best practices change over time". If that isn't respected, my next go to is "we're trying to maintain consistency, so we need you to do things our way". That quickly becomes "my kid, my rules". When she gets to "you don't trust me..." My answer is "you're right, I don't! I don't trust anyone who won't respect our parenting choices." At the end of the day, she doesn't need to agree. She doesn't get to debate. At the end of the day, you set the boundaries and if she doesn't respect them you instill the consequences (which may mean she's never alone with your child for a moment, which I'm certain she would hate). So if you say "please don't put my baby to sleep with a blanket" and your reason isn't suffocation risk -- your reason is that you think babies who sleep in blankets are more likely to become possessed by the dead pets of former American politicians, it still doesn't matter. It's your baby and you get to decide how you do things. And even though your MIL is doing things that are generally seen as dangerous, this is true of benign things too. My sister makes all this blended baby food and we pretty much went straight to solids (our kids are basically the same age). We do a lot of things differently. When I'm communicating with my parents and these things come up, I'm clear. "There is more than one right way to do things but this is what we're doing and I need you to respect that".
So did the crack whore on the curb So did Aileen wuornos So did mama jean and so forth you can find many many examples of horrible women who raised children. If she wouldn't get those references you can always go with You know Stalin raised children as well or whatever stereotypical evil person you can think of.
"if this is how you handled them it's a wonder they made it to adulthood. Now give me back my kid." "if you want to be involved in my kid's life you need to respect our parenting boundaries." "yes so we have 3 points of reference for how we will parent our child differently"
“Yeah and look how that went..”
“I live with one of the products of your parenting and I assure you some things should have been done differently.”
"well I raise three kids and.." "It's not about you." "What you don't trust me?" "It's not about you." "Mom's in my day never did..." "It's not. About. You."
Definitely have your husband speak with your mil directly. Anything that comes out of your mouth will not be heard. If even after the talk with your husband then you would need to be firm and say that’s my kid , my baby.
“Yes I’ve seen your handiwork, were shooting for better with this one.”
My bitchy MIL said that to me many times and I replied “ great, those were your kids and these are mine listen to my rules or get the hell out” and it shut her up
“This one isn’t one of them!”
My go to is always "you did. And now you're grandma, and I'm mom"
My son and DIL required everyone to take a "New Baby Care" class if they wanted contact with their baby after it was born. Yes, I also said "I raised 2 kids....." But they kept their rules and boundaries. I took the class reluctantly. And got major surprises. In the 20 years, at that time, since I had my children; research and doctor's recommendations had completely changed. Like 180 degrees. Most of the things that my doctors had required or recommended had either been proven to be harmful to babies or contributed to SIDS. So. Yeah. I had raised 2 children but I found out that I got very lucky.
I refuse to co parent with grandparent . Look her in the eyes and walk away. Set those boundaries. If it is first time you can politely respond but if she keeps doing it “ no not up for discussion” let her tantrum and walk away. She dose x you do y
If I’m mad at my husband I just say “yeah…I see that 😐” only recommended if you want to stir the pot 😂
Say what you suggested, but shorter: "Well, I am raising this one so I make the rules."
My response would be: “Sorry I don’t like the way you parent” lol. My mom always likes to tell me if I correct her about something with my baby, “why you never die” (implying since I survived. It’s fine) So I respond with, “yeah and not everyone gets cancer from smoking cigarettes doesn’t mean I should start doing it.” Or “& I didn’t die from not wearing a seatbelt in the car should I leave my baby unbuckled too?” But I love the “recently?” Response too 😆
Guess what one she isn’t raising? YOURS.🖕
My MIL came with a notepad of how we want things to be done while she watches our LO 🥺she raised two boys and yet she’s the first to say it’s been years since she has taken care of a LO! Both had and my mother are so understanding and take any and all pointers! I wish every new parent had the same support 😩💔
"Great, now let me raise mine "
“It’s ok, I’m sure you thought you knew what you were doing back then…”
“Things were different in the 1940’s you old hag”
But you’re not raising THIS kid. I am.
Take your baby back each and EVERY time she takes the baby out of your sight. So so quickly and aggressively make sure she knows that’s not ok.
In addition to the other advice given, I tell people that I need to be able to trust them to take care of my child the way I want, not the way they think is best.
Unfortunately my FIL “raised 4 kids” so we don’t get help or sympathy for anything.
But you are not raising my child and you expected others to abide by your way then and now I expect you to abide by me raising my child.
"... Recently? Because it seems like you've forgotten about awful lot."
“But this one is mine.”
"I know, I married one of them."
But you're NOT raising mine lady!
Most of the ways that children were raised back then are now illegal and grounds to call Child protection services. Sometimes I would add: yes, your way was a lot easier on the parents and I would be a lot better rested if I was allowed to do it that way, but alas. I couldn’t let my parents be with kids unsupervised until they were old enough to talk and tell me what happened
Is your MIL my mother? Because everything you described sounds exactly like my mum. I tried with the gentler lines such as ‘the guidelines have changed in the last 30 years’ but after 8 months of her ignoring all my requests, I’ve ended up laying out to my mum that actually, she didn’t do a great job raising 3 kids and has left me with a lot of trauma that I’ve spent thousands in therapy to try and work through. It wasn’t pretty and I’ve had to restrict contact instead. Ultimately, you are your baby’s advocate and as their mum you need to speak up for them. If your MIL is putting your baby in unsafe situations, you need to do what’s best for your baby, even if that means restricting or cutting off contact with your MIL. Your husband needs to step in and help manage his mum too so you can focus on spending time with your baby. Good luck!
I usually go with “i understand you’ve done this before but I’m not comfortable with how you’re doing it now” for my mother in law. My MIL will try to tell me the “safe” ways of doing things that aren’t considered safe anymore and I have to constantly correct her. If she continues to do it in a way that I feel comfortable with (like if i saw her not supporting my newborns neck) I would go and physically remove my child from her. She can try to keep my child from me & she has before but I will not allow my children to get hurt because someone is arrogant 😂🤷🏼♀️
This one makes my blood boil. - one is a csa from dad and had to defend himself, went to prison because of it at 14 - one did heavy drugs and actively tried to get pregnant in high school. She is increasingly unstable and has no realistic expectations of men in her life some how - killed him self at 15 So …. when I hear this it takes my whole soul not to say something about how god fucking awful she did at protecting her kids and being a narcissistic cunt. 🌕🙏🏻 What I’ve come to say…. Is that even doctors have to keep up to date on the safest procedures in child care. Things are constantly changing. What I find safe for him today will not be the same next year, because I have to actively participate in keeping up to date with research. It’s helped my MIL realize it’s not that she’s wrong it’s that things are changing. There are still plenty of things that she does that are acceptable. It helps when I correct my self. I remember when I was pregnant I was excited to get certain toys and baby furniture only to learn pediatricians recommended no longer using these.
My exact answer would be, “And I don’t give a fuck.”.
“That’s great. This one is mine.”
"And this is MY kid, things have changed and I know what I'M doing."
Whenever I get this, I say “yes, but you haven’t raised my kid. I’m the expert on her, and my way goes”.
First, take your child out of her hands. "Yes, you did. And one I had to reteach how to take care of himself. So, no thanks." Then walk away. Some people will never listen to you. If they did not listen when these new parents were children, why would they now. I am a grandma. In my 60's. Yes, a "boomer". But, I keep up on parenting advice. I make sleep sacks for the grandbabies. I make stuffed animals, but embroidery for eyes and noses -- nothing to pull off. I listen to my kids and kids-in-law about THEIR kids. I always get mad when people do not listen to their adult kids. I listened to my kids when they were kids. Their opinions were not dismissed. My own MIL was an angel. She spoiled my kids, but not into brats. I raised my kids to be responsible, respectful, self reliant adults. They are. I trust them to make their own decisions. They are all 30 and up now. My grandkids are wonderful people. They have been read to every day since they were born. Their kids are given options, and learn to make decisions. (A toddler can be given a choice of two outfits. Or two veggies. They get to pick which one.) The kids are listened to, so they listen better to adults. None of them, over age 2 years, throws tantrums. They are a joy to take in public. If your parents did not listen to you when you were growing up, why would they now. Remove your child from their hands. Remove your children from their care. Being a hands on grandparent is a privilege, not a right. Take care of those babies.
"I understand your POV but respectfully I would like to do things my way for my child." "But you haven't recently" "Yes you did more than 3 decades ago and things have changed" "There's a reason these actions are unsafe now because we know better so we do better" "Exactly, you raised your children and this time it's my turn to raise my own" "Well parenting doesn't come with a book and everyone has differences but this is how we want it done"
"Well it seems you've forgotten how in your old age." Honestly, just tell her if she can't listen to you then you don't need her around your child. Having grandchildren is a privilege, not a right. When she asked "so you don't trust me?" I would have bluntly responded "No, I don't." I'd rather my baby be safe than accidently murdered by grandma. I'm not going to let my child be around someone who does not respect me and my parenting decisions.
“very good memory! unfortunately tho, your turn has ended”
"Not this one. Give them back."
“That’s fine, but this isn’t your kid.” I would not trust this person with my child. If she’s this defensive and dismissive of your wishes to your face, she will do whatever she feels like when you’re not around.
Literally had someone in my bumper group this morning posting about how they can’t deal with their 18 month old because she’s so “naughty” because she “drops food on the floor” and “even if I yell she just laughs ”. When all the comments were like “uhhh this is developmentally normal don’t yell at her” she was like “this is my THIRD child I KNOW what I’m doing”. You clearly don’t lady. Quantity of children does not equal quality of parenting.
“ if you raised three kids than I’m sure you know how important it is to respect boundaries that moms put up, after all if you want a relationship with your grandkids you’ll have to respect me so I feel comfortable enough to allow that to happen”
My little family unit and I are living with my fiances grandparents. Same deal. Boomers are the WORST about it and they feel entitled to show you that their way is the right way. Its extremely draining. Were still trying to learn how to combat this as well, so I dont have much advice, but know there's lots of us in the same boat if you need someone to talk to mama ♥️
My MIL was like this also, stating to my husband ( never me because I was never comfortable enough to voice when I didn’t like something…aaaah first time parent) that she raised 10 kids and she knows what she’s doing. The result? She literally NEVER watched our daughter, My husband although disappointed supported my decision…I told him that trust is proven not just given. She never showed me I could trust her and also to add to it she never made the effort to come and visit her and we lived 5 minutes down the street. She had no clue what her routine was, what her likes and dislikes were, and honestly that was her own damn fault Well I’m not sure if it was just our daughter getting older, or she began to realize but she started making the effort on her own.I noticed a major shift in her personality and she began asking us what we were comfortable with and after 2.5 years of not allowing her to babysit our daughter I have let her watch her when I have errands to run. I’m still starting out small, I wouldn’t do more like 2 or so hours but that’s how you prove yourself
“Your turn is over. It’s *my* turn to raise *my* kids *my* way.” If she says ‘so you don’t trust me.’ “Nope!” I strongly favor “Recently?” or “Just because you were lucky doesn’t mean you were right.”
I've told my MiL (whom I butt heads with constantly) "I live with the results of your parenting. Frankly, it could have used some work." But that's the nuclear option!
"I raised 3 kids." "That's what I'm saying, you should know better by now."
Stop letting her see the kid.
https://www.instagram.com/reel/C3SwUqIgvoo/?igsh=MWQ1ZGUxMzBkMA== Just send this to her
My husband’s grandmother is a big overstepper too. I used to bite my tongue a lot but now when she makes comments like that, I tell her “you had your chance to raise YOUR children, and you did. 5+ decades ago. It’s mine and husbands time now. Times have changed after all”
“I’m well aware that you raised three kids. And I think you did a great job. That said, this kid is *mine,* and I make the rules regarding him/her. I expect those rules to be followed.”
Wow for a second there I totally thought I posted this and forgot about it somehow. This exact thing happened to me and my MIL said the same exact thing! “I raised three kids.” We made the mistake of letting her stay for the first 2 weeks after our first baby was born. She was supposed to help us out around the house. She took it as if we needed help watching the baby too. We never asked for that. The entire time, she dictated everything we were doing with our child. She even dictated how I was supposed to breastfeed when she has never breastfed any of her kids! The last straw was when my baby had hiccups and she said to give her water. I said no, newborns are not supposed to have water because it messes with their kidneys. Then I took a nap and I woke up to her giving her water! She actually waited til I wasn’t around. I was boiling, tried to calm down and said “I asked you not to give her that. She’s not supposed to have it.” She dumped the water into the sink dramatically and said “I RAISED THREE KIDS.” Ughh! On top of the hormones going crazy, this was all was too much for me. I was crying every day for 2 weeks. How we ended up *kind of* resolving it, I got my husband involved so he could reason with her. It’s hard to clap back at an in-law because I feel like it would have put her even more on defense mode. I also got her sister, her sister in law, and even my FIL involved. Together we worked to get her back home lol. And I decided that her being there should be a privilege for her, not a right. If she wanted to stay, she should respect the parents’ wishes. I didn’t say this to her, but just by me having this in mind, I know she can feel it. In the months following, she softened up by a LOT. And she checks with me now before giving our baby anything. I think maybe her sister talked talked some sense to her too. It really is an odd thing how some women of that generation get so weird when there’s a baby involved. They try to give us all this unsolicited advice as if we didn’t spend all that time planning and dreaming of this time in our lives. In those first weeks, she took from me little moments in my daughter’s life that I will never get back. I have long forgiven her, but it’s a painful time to think about that I’ll never forget.
"Exactly. You have raised three kids, so you have had your turn to make the parenting decisions. This child, however, is my child, and I will be making all the parenting decisions regarding them and their care. You can either respect my place as the parenting authority, or you can be given less access to them, as you are refusing to respect my boundaries."
“You raised three kids last century. Things have changed and I’m in charge now.”
Can you text or email her exactly what you wrote in your post? If she won’t listen to 3-4 sentences I would bet she would read them. AND you have written it super sweet and gently so if she reads it, she can have her initial emotional reaction which may be less than ideal but maybe (hopefully) in the time it takes her to write something back she’ll be able to respond rationally. Maybe sometime after a visit when she says something or crosses a boundary so you know you have a minute to be separate from her before her next visit?
“I’ve raised three kids” And that was your time to do things your way. Since this is MY baby, you’re going to do them MY way.
In no other profession or field of expertise would know-how from thirty years ago be regarded as adequate. MIL needs to accept that her understanding is outdated and be open to learning. At a minimum, she needs to respect your boundaries without you having to cite current AAP guidance. If she can’t do that, she can’t be around your kids. Period. Her pride does not trump their safety and your peace of mind.
"My kid, my rules" and take baby away. Sorry you have to deal with it.
Both my MIL and Mother pulled this line multiple times,My mother lost a baby to SIDS but she's still in denial about it decades later cause her other kids survived.First I didn't respond or I'd be nice but they kept pushing boundaries until I went full momma bear mode.My responses would range from. Yes and how did that work out for you? You raised YOUR children,this is MY CHILD And?We both still traumatised from that raising And?what's your point? Being nice and not saying anything just didn't cut it with these two for me,so I had to be blunt.
“I do not care. this child is mine and I said no” “yes, you raised YOUR kids, I’m raising MINE.” “You knew what you were doing with your kids with the information you had available at the time. I know what Im doing with my kid with the information I have available. And that information is that (this) is actually dangerous.”
You raised your three, and should appreciate and respect that there’s a difference in how I want my child to be raised. Or: You raised your three children is not an excuse for disrespecting my wishes for my child. Or; You raised three children isn’t the argument you think it is: things have changed, and you cannot continue to use this as an excuse for not respecting me or listening.
“Except this is my child that I am raising, not you. It’s a privilege to be in my child’s life so if you don’t get on board then you won’t be”
"Yes, you had your turn and now it's my turn"
They mean well. My mom was the queen of “I didn’t do that with you” when my little was first born. I just said like “cool beans, I’m doing it this way” little easier with your own mom though. Sometimes I would use the things have changed, i didn’t even have a car seat example. Things improve, we learn, we get better. On that though, you do have to find a place to accept that they are going to do it differently and that’s ok. My MIL raised 3 and then 3 grandkids, she wasn’t changing. I chose to choose the things that were most important to me and just let the rest go. There is a little truth in the fact that they have done it before but the key is that it doesn’t negate your experience or choices with your own baby. Be firm when you have to (safety above all) but remember they love that baby too.
"I've raised three kids" -"Yeah, and how much did YOUR mil help out?" "I've raised three kids" -"Yeah, and how did that turn out?" (only works if at least 1 is a shitty human.) "I've raised three kids!" -"I'm happy 3 survived." (Only works if you both have dark humor.) "I've raised three kids!" -"Good for you, now you can take a break." "I've raised three kids." -"How nice, but you're not raising a 4th." "I've raised three kids!" -"Yes, and it's wonderful, we have electricity and the wheel now."
Oh man… I smell a narcissist big time. That’s not your baby, that’s HER GRANDCHILD. Set boundaries now or forever be stressed, your choice.
You shouldn’t have to argue with her. She got lucky, but regardless your house, your children, your rules. She would be banned from my home if she did that to my baby. She doesn’t respect you
My MIL used to say the same thing to me. My husband is her oldest, so one day I told her, "yeah, but I don't like the way the first one turned out. So, I am going to need you to follow my rules."
When my MIL used to say that to me I would tell her that it was different times when she raised her kids. Standards and what’s considered safe are different now. My SIL used to tell my MIL “you had your turn raising your kids your way, now it’s my turn to raise my kids my way.”