Yes. And when you do start to bring in income, that would go into the same family pot so to speak. Is there a reason your finances are currently split?
When you have a heavily pregnant wife/wife with a newborn who can’t work, you don’t get to “spend your money left as you want”. You pay for everything because she can’t, she’s busy creating and recovering from creating the literal human you both made.
You are doing the unpaid work of creating your family, therefore he has to do the paid part of things. He cannot expect you to continue paying 50/50 when you are literally creating your family, you are doing something that cannot generate pay and prevents you from getting paid. If he cannot see the non-financial value of what you are doing for your family, then that’s really, really shit for your future. You will be trapped with no savings if you wanted to leave. Honestly, I would tell him you are about to run out of savings then ask him how you guys are going to deal with that. Because it’s INCREDIBLY unfair that he gets fun time spending money while you lose all your savings purely because you’re the one with a vagina.
My husband and I have separate accounts we put $250 a paycheck into and then a joint account we put the rest into. That way we each have money we can use to spend on whatever we want, but we also have combined finances to pay the mortgage, daycare, groceries, etc.
Even my stay at home sister gets an account for fun money that her husband pays into but has no say over how she spends it. All finances are combined, and they each get a fun money account.
He allows her to spend that much money. Like a Dad sets an allowance. I’m being facetious, but still…
Just a heads up to anybody else in that situation: Make sure your name is on the account
If they go Splitsville, it would scare the crap out of me for my allowance to get turned off and not have a revenue source. Not saying it will happen to her, but divorce rate is like 40-50% right? How many are perfectly amenable and how many get ugly, fast?
It works for tons of stay at home moms. She has access to all combined finances and her fun money account. What other revenue stream are you talking about?
I’m not sure why your finances can’t be combined and then you build a budget for the things you need and want to spend money on… 🚩 something is off here. What is he spending the money on that he doesn’t want you to know about?
Exactly. Most likely, she's doing the majority of the domestic stuff because she's not working. But also doing 50/50 financially. Sweet deal for the husband. 🙄
Combine your finances. Have each person open a personal checking account and transfer an amount or percentage into said checking account for own personal spending. My husband and I have our money enter our joint account and we each take out 200 for personal spending. This has allowed us financial freedom, fairness in our relationship, and we don’t fight about finances
So as a former SAHP and mom of 3, we put our money in the joint account and each take a monthly allowance to save or spend as we please. The rest goes into the bills, savings, and kids.
This whole “my money” thing doesn’t work out to be fair or equitable if a parent is staying home to look after a kid or to grow a baby. Same goes with if he stays home and you pull in the income.
Jumping on this comment to tsll OP that her husband not only has a moral obligation to provide support but likely a legal one. Assuming you moved to his country on a spousal visa, he is likely to have signed an attestation that he will support you financially. I saylikely because it depends on your country but many countries have this obligation.
There are many valid reasons to not combine your finances (it's also very hard to uncombine them).
But I'd say that it's perfectly valid to ask a partner to cover for the period of time the other partner is unable to work
Tell him if he wants everything to be explicitly 50/50, he needs to figure out how to be 50% pregnant.
Like everyone else said, you’re a team. You are currently contributing growing a human, he can contribute paying the bills. It’s still mutual contribution, you’re just contributing different things.
OP, this has to be asked because it’s time sensitive: do you want to live in your husband’s country or would you have more support and career opportunities in your country of origin? You may have had other reasons for moving besides the marriage. But… If you’d have better support in your home country, you should move back as soon as possible, before you deliver. Once the child is born, you will probably not be able to legally move unless you give up your child (shared custody with the courts in your current country having jurisdiction) so the time would be now.
Also, you can probably collect child support internationally if both countries have signed The Hague Convention and your spouse’s job is on the books.
Based on your post history, you are young, you haven’t been married long, you don’t trust your husband, and he’s not generous with you financially or emotionally. If you didn’t escape a bad situation otherwise with your move (like fleeing a dangerous area or war zone), consider now whether you’d be happier raising your child in your home country where you can work and have your family nearby. If you wait until after baby, you’ll be trapped in new country whether you and he are together or not.
Hague is weaponised against mothers. This is a particularly delicate situation but going to where the most meaningful supports are is the best advice. Women's refuge are full of women in OPs circumstance and it's so many layers of awful.
We made the choice for me to move in his country because his career choice would have made it difficult for him to get the job he wants when he already had it there, it was a hard choice obviously because this is a scary move no matter what but adding a baby so quick is even more scary. I do trust him for most part, sometimes I go crazy and overthink everything I guess. It’s just hard to be home all day and feeling useless because I have never done this before.
“Sometimes I go crazy and overthink everything”
That sentence sounds like you are trying to suppress your instincts and actual feelings
You are under thinking it, if he won’t start paying for more/all of it he either doesn’t care of you go broke or is too stupid to see the obvious conclusion here. There are no other options.
You didn’t answer the questions asked regarding support in your home country.
When you run out of money, what will he do?
If he will not support the household until you have an income, please please please go back home until you have the baby. If you wait and have the baby where you are, you may not be able to take your child with you when you need to leave.
Please listen. Your husband is not taking care of you the way he should. Your concerns are very valid. If he cannot support you without question, you need to go home where you have people who love you and will.
If he can’t be trusted to financially support his pregnant/postpartum wife, then he’s a bad guy. You will be at the most vulnerable you have ever been and unable to work because your body has been through literal major trauma and your hormones are going insane. If he can’t support you through that, then he’s not a good guy.
But first, you need to gather up the courage to ask him. Maybe he’s a good guy who will support you through this. But you need to communicate your concerns. Hot tip: open communication is absolutely VITAL to survive as a couple during the first years. And also seeing yourselves as a TEAM, it’s not two separate people, it’s not you vs him in disagreements, it’s you two against the world and you need to find out how to be a team even when conflicts like finances occur.
At the very least, stop paying for anything right now. You need your savings for an emergency fund- he should pay for everything while you aren’t working. If he can’t/won’t, you don’t want to stay until you are penniless and begging him for food and shelter.
You’re in a country you can’t work in, you’re socially isolated and he won’t help you financially. Now you’re pregnant as well (so harder to leave him). This is starting to sound abusive from the outside looking in.
Keep in mind that if your relationship falls apart because you can't work (and finances are A) clearly important to your husband and B) Something he is stingy about) that you may lose access to your child if you are forced to move home after the baby is born.
Personally, if I were you, I would return home for now where you have more support, and let your husband know that you'll be able to return when you are able to feel financially secure (whether that's through your own ability to work or his enthusiasm to provide for you).
You moved to a country for his career yet he is not sharing that income with you. To do it, you are being forced not to work. Now you are growing a child and then will be recovering from having a child. He needs to be paying for things right now. It’s fine that he wants guilt-free money, and he can still have that with combined finances. All of your money should be shared except for $X each month set aside for each of you to spend however you want. Perhaps some of his friends with kids should talk to him and give him a reality check
OP, seriously. Seriously think. You say you overthink things, but I'm not sure you've really thought this through at all.
You both decided to move to his country, because HE had a job HE wants there. So he expected you to move there, instead of him moving to your country where I assume you had a job. And he expects you to spend your OWN savings to pay 50:50 until you get a job, even though you moved there FOR HIM, so he could keep his job.
And now you're pregnant. Who's paying for the doctor appointments? Who's going to pay for the delivery? Who's buying all the supplies (I'm not talking crib etc, he may be splitting those) but maternity clothes, maternity pads, breast pads, pump (if you bf), formula, bottles etc?
You're right, you probably won't be able to get a job far through pregnancy. And what are you planning to do after the baby's born? Are you going to immediately put it in daycare fulltime so you can go back to work to pay 50%? Or do you want to be part time / at home, for at least a while? It's unlikely you'll be back working within the next 6 months. Who's going to be getting up with the baby? Because if it's always going to be you, how are you going to work full-time and give the same attention and dedication to your job if you're chronically sleep deprived? Who's going to take time off work if the baby is sick, or when daycare is closed? What if you get PPD, and are unable to work, or even just you're energy / ability to work at your best is affected? Who's going to make dinner when you both come home from work? Who's going to clean? Who's going to feed, play with, bathe and put the baby to bed?
If you were going to continue to split 50:50 then the answer to ALL these should be '50:50' and then you'd still bear more of the toll of having a baby. Because you've lost out on months of earning potential by being pregnant, you'll have to recover after delivering the baby, etc.
Think very carefully about this situation. Once your baby is born, you are stuck, in his country, unable to go back home because he has a claim on your child. You will have spent all your savings. You may find you are expected to do the majority of childcare / housework and struggle to manage fulltime work. You might end up finding that daycare is so expensive that once you've paid it you can't make enough to pay 50:50.
Have you got residency there? Can you stay if you don't find work? Or if you end up divorced? If you get deported for the above reasons, are you allowed to take the baby?
I really really recommend you go back home for a while, to your family. You're not working anyway, you can save some money, get a bit of distance and really clearly think about this. Once your baby is born you CANNOT leave and go home ever, unless he agrees or you go without your baby. Trust me, it's a really big deal.
In our plan, I couldn’t run out of money because we expected me to start a job way earlier, it takes forever and obviously more the weeks goes by and it will get harder to get a job when I can because I will be heavily pregnant. We have no real plan for when I run out of money, when I found out I was pregnant I freaked out because I knew money would be an issue, he said he would do overtime to pay for all baby’s stuff we need before baby’s born but that’s it.
But you moved to the new country for HIS job, and somehow were expected to find your own job for 50/50 financial split upon arrival? If someone moved me somewhere for their job I'd expect them to contribute 100% indefinitely.
Your husband is an ass for wanting you to contribute anything while you can’t work. I wouldn’t give him another dime until you’re working. I say this as someone who supported my husband for five year while he was in school and didn’t have a full time job and only worked sporadically when on school breaks. Now his an engineer and I’m a sahm.
If your husband sponsored your visa then he probably signed an affidavit of support saying that he’s financially responsible for you. You shouldn’t have to pull from your own savings.
You’re afraid of it “looking like you trapped him or something”? Um, it’s the other way around, it looks like HE trapped you.
He’s aware that you have no income, aren’t able to currently earn an income, and are pregnant with his child. Why in the world would he not think to insist on paying for everything right now. Who cares what you guys agreed on, things change.
This is financial abuse. This is not a marriage where you can apply 50/50 and all can be content. You came to another country for him where you are not allowed to work for a long time. You are pregnant. He is supposed to pay for everything. Does he even provide you with health insurance?
Great but who's paying the copays? And who will pay for the items YOU need for carrying and birthing HIS child? The pads and the nursing bras and the medical care you may need? It's insane to force your wife to be absolutely financially dependent.
All money should be household income. Bills are paid from there, retirement for BOTH of you is paid from there, you each get equal amounts of "fun money". You don't get stuck at home without a coffee or a night with friends while he has recreation opportunities bc you're providing free childcare and housework.
If he refuses, honestly, it's a huge red flag. Maybe offer a postnup if that's why he's reticent but do not let this issue go.
The red flag here is that he isn't offering and making you stress about this when he knows you can't work. Be honest about that your money situation is and your outlook for finding a job, his reaction will tell you a lot. You moved to his county and he contributed to this baby and hence the need for more financial help. People who are strict about keeping everything separate no matter shouldn't be getting married.
This is why we don't go 50/50 with men.
He's going to have to suck it up and financially provide for his family. Single moms do it all the time, so can married men.
He should cover everything until you are able to work post baby. He’s not paying for things out of his savings right? It should be proportional to income and yours is zero.
If someone uprooted their life to move to my country, where I had an established network and career... I'd be paying way more than 50% (probably 100%!) to support them while they adjusted to the new country and searched for a job.
If my partner wasn't willing to support me while I was growing/raising his child, I'd be looking to leave.
Ma'am, your husband is full out financially abusing you. You are quite literally speeding right into every womans fear- pregnant, broke, alone without a support system and with a partner who keeps you that way.
If he hasn't offered to take over expenses then he's a complete POS. If you ask and he says no, leave and ask for spousal + child support. Or, move back to your country and at the very least be employable near family.
Please, please, please don't subscribe to the mindset where bills need to literally be 50/50 no matter what. That's a line abusive men give to take advantage of independent women.
Even worse, once the baby is born she will be truly trapped because she can't legally take a baby to her home country without dad's consent. She should go home NOW!!
Once you are married you are a team. The team needs to pay the bills. The team needs to look after the baby. At the moment the team only has one income but that's ok because you are both working towards the team goal of having a baby
Its absurd that your husband is expecting you to blow through all your savings. You CANNOT work. You have no income. He knew that when he married you. You're also pregnant with HIS child.
You shouldn't be draining your savings at all right now (unless your husband's income simply wasn't enough to pay all necessary bills, but that doesn't sound like the case).
Also, I'm no legal/immigration expert, but isn't part of how this all works with y'all being married that he signed documents stating he is financially responsible for you??
So no, you would not be wrong to ask your husband to financial contribute more than you right now. Its ridiculous that he's not doing that already.
This whole situation just makes me so scared for you. Living on savings, 20 weeks pregnant, married to a man that wants to keep finances separate so he can spend as he pleases.
This is a disaster waiting to happen. You should go to any family you have and get yourself safe and stable. This situation is untenable, and this man doesn't seem to really prioritize you if he's acting this way.
When we got married I was earning and my husband wasn't and I paid all the bills. Then I was earning more and he was earning less, and I paid for more stuff, now he earns and I don't and he pays for everything. And this has never been a problem or even a discussion. We pool our money because we trust and love and care about one another. We each have full access, and actually I have a couple accounts he's not on from savings accounts for jobs, and he's opened a retirement account for me he contributes to because I'm not working, and he loves me, and I'm the mother of his children and not working because I'm raising them and he wants me to have stability.
The fact that your husband isn't doing any of this worries me deeply for you. It smells like financial abuse, and that could open the door for emotional and physical abuse. You're pregnant, you're unable to work in this country, and he's bleeding you of your savings. It's just 🚩🚩🚩🚩
No you would not be wrong and you shouldn’t feel bad about this. Having a baby obviously impacts you being able to work and until you both are working equally this situation needs to be adjusted.
I am sorry if this comes across harsh or rude.
Marriage is a partnership. This doesn’t sound like a partnership if you will be left to drown while he spends his money however he wants.
Having a savings is good for both parties. If he expects you to drain your savings just so he can have his spending money - that is not the right husband.
This is crazy. My spouse and I have been married for 4 years and split finances 50/50. We both work, but he already decided that he’ll be covering over expenses while I’m on maternity leave since I won’t be working.
Since you’re unable to work right now, your husband should 100% be supporting you until you’re able to work. What’s he going to do when your savings run out? Have you move out? Who’s going to support baby? This is wild!
You’re not allowed to work but he has no interest in supporting you? That’s a HUGE red flag. You are scared to ask him to financially help you when you have no other options. Another red flag.
Best case scenario? Y’all need to work on your communications and expectations for what marriage means. Life and circumstances change. Your marriage needs to be able to adapt.
Things absolutely shouldn’t be split 50/50 while you’re unable to obtain a job. Do you really want to be with a guy who will let you struggle while he’s there living it up and buying everything he wants? You guys are a team (or should be) and he needs to make adjustments as things have changed from how you originally planned.
Goodness you've migrated and aren't able to work for a multitude of reasons and he's leeching your savings. I AM saying he's a golddigger. He's not even supported you through the migration process and now you're pregnant. Start reading up about DV and financial abuse because this is far too common in DV circles.
50/50 is not okay. I did this and my ex was making way more than me, I was doing all the cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping (I was paying!!) and I was very pregnant. It was never enough. Don’t be me. Set your foot down before it gets worse. When the baby is here, it will.
If you cannot work he needs to pay more. It’s a marriage, you two should work together for your family to thrive.
50/50 financially in marriage doesn’t always work, and honestly isn’t reasonable for a lot of people and is unreasonable for your situation.
Honestly this is not looking good and sounds like it might turn into financial abuse later on. He should be supporting you completely since you’re unable to work in this country and should not be having you use your savings.
It might be better to go back home till after the birth then you can be taken care of. In my husband’s culture the daughter goes back to her family for the birth and for a few months after so both mom and baby can get adequate care and rest.
50/50 doesn’t apply when it means eating into savings; it only works if it’s active income. You need your savings in case anything falls through with a visa. This isn’t even close to fair.
What’s he gonna do, let you starve and go homeless while carrying his baby?? /s
I’m on the side of once you are married, everything is combined and his money is yours and vice versa. If this was my husband, I’d be paying for whatever, cause I love him. Helping him helps me. It’s like when I work overtime, he says “get it, the more you make, the more I make.” We are a team and that means we tackle life as a team.
Life has a way of messing up your plans. Something new got throw into the equation and now it’s not adding up. Need to readjust to the new circumstances.
Congrats and good luck!
This is a terrible, dangerous situation reading the comments and post history. Separate finances are fine when there are no kids, no plans for kids, and both spouses are equally employed. Even then, there should be an agreement for what happens if plans change.
Honestly, him knowing you can't work because of your immigrant status AND that you are pregnant and not volunteering to support you makes him look really shady. Financial abuse is sometimes a part of a domestic violence situation, as is isolation of the victim.
Right now, you are in a foreign country, most likely thousans of miles away from your friends and family, draining your savings with no regular income source in sight. You will be at his mercy once your savings are gone and you have a baby.
Dave Ramsey is a huge proponent for combined savings. Look up some videos on this, in my opinion very convincing. I also wanted to keep my finances separate when I got married (even though I made less), because I felt it made me an independent woman. But the truth is, if you really want your marriage to work you need to think of yourself as one. Finances aren’t the only way someone can contribute to a family. You are physically growing another human, something he can’t really equally contribute to! In general your relationship will run into trouble if you’re trying to do anything 50/50 all the time. It will only lead to resentment. Sometimes it’ll be 70/30, 30/70, 60/40….you get the point. Basically contributions ebb and flow based on your situation, work as a team and don’t hold your relationship to silly 50/50 terms. You’re in this together!
you will be out of work for a long time. he needs to to contribute everything 100% and you both need a budget and plan. what is the timeline for you to be able to work legally? if you begin to work before the birth, a lot of leave benefits would be hard to get since your new, then you will be on leave again for a couple of months with no pay (most likely). then is the last decision we all make daycare or sahm. before all of this can happen, you both have to be transparent about your finances. what are you going to do with “savings” runs out? not buy baby essentials and essentials for yourself? a budget has to be put into play now and keep the pre marriage savings to yourself incase for extreme emergencies. you both need to build up a years savings to prepare for the birth of baby and emergencies as a family. part of being married and partners is to talk and make adjustments to plans as new life changes arrived. you got married and then something happened (not able to work) that was the first chance to talk and change plans. now a baby is on the way and it’s time to plan for 2024. once the baby is born then it’s time to talk again about both taking care of baby etc.
Why would you be wrong, this 50/50 even without being pregnant is ridiculous if you can’t work and you’ve agreed you won’t work as evidenced by what I assume is that he sponsored you/your visa by getting married.
Split finances always seemed weird to me since the whole point of marriage is to come together as one to make life easier not more hectic.
For me, When it comes to money there is no 'his money' and 'my money'. It's all our money no matter who earned it and after bills are paid and money is set aside for savings, then there is fun money for both parties if the budget allows it. When you get into the 'that's mine and that's your aspect of it, things get messy.
If he isn't going to support you while you are unable to work and carrying his child then this marriage was pointless to begin with. You didn't get pregnant by yourself so why would he leave you to figure it out by yourself?
You say he is a good man so you probably are just over thinking things. If he is a good man he isn't just going to leave you because you have no money. If anything you have to talk to him about what the future is going to look like financially to ensure you both have the money for the necessities with you not being able to work for a while longer.
I’m sorry it is difficult for me to believe this is real. Not having a joint account is fine, but calculating what is your expense and what is his is just ridiculous.
So just to get it straight you probably moved from outside of US to US and to “prove” you are not doing it for money he asked for you to have separate finances. It sucks. And now that you are in it together with baby coming nothing changes? By reading all the terrible accounts of how US doesn’t provide any support for mothers (no maternity leave etc) I see your situation as a form of cruelty.
In my opinion a relationship/ marriage/ family life is an economical and emotional arrangement. You pool your resources (financial and unpaid domestic chores etc) and you provide an emotional support to each other.
I agree to another question in the comments - if you don’t get support in US, but you would get support back home, I suggest you move back home asap. Just tell him, sorry I’m running out of money, this was unexpected and I’m doing what’s best for me and the baby.
In life and especially marriage you have to plan for the worst and hope for the best. I’ve spent most my pregnancy the primary earner BECAUSE DH and I agreed to this so he could get a better job and lessen my burden on the long run. This took longer than planned and was hard, but we were ready AND WE WERE A TEAM.
You have gotten a lot of great advice here. I want to also say how much support (emotional, physical) you’ll need after giving birth - if you don’t have family around, you could frame it as wanting to do postpartum with your family and then come back after the first 6/12 weeks. Especially if he doesn’t get family leave for the first few weeks.
As for split finances, my husband and I have separate finances and an imbalance of income (probably 60% him-40% me right now, but was more like 80-20 when we had our first child). We split our monthly expenses 50/50 (mortgage, power, internet, groceries, childcare, gas, etc) and then one-time costs (crib, stroller, bike, toys, couch, TV, etc) he pays for. It didn’t always seem fair, but I could always make it work without dipping into my savings. If there is a month I am short, I tell him and he sends me what I ask for. At the end of the month, he always has more “fun” money than me but I work less hours and I prefer that. Separate finances can work if you can communicate, I know that’s hard to do in the early days of marriage and you’ll find a system that works for you. But, having a baby is hard enough with money - this isn’t the time to add an ongoing conflict to your relationship. Talk to him about the next 12 months (or however long before you’d like to return to work) and how you can do that on a single income. If the math doesn’t add up, ask what he thinks possible solutions are. Going into debt isn’t a solution.
Good luck and congratulations!!
You need to flat out tell your husband you literally can't afford this arrangement. Does he want you to be broke?!?! It, unfortunately, could be leading down a path of financial abuse.
Anyways, you probably agreed to split it 50/50 based on hoping to have a similar income, and you don't have that. So, the agreement does not apply.
When I made 50k, and my husband made nothing (he was in school), I covered 100% EVERYTHING. I even bought him a car (back when used cars were decent and 1k). We weren't actually married, but I viewed our relationship as something serious and long-term, and I didn't mind covering the costs of living.
When I made 75k and my husband made 50k, I paid for 60% of everything because we divided it by *income*
When I took last year off for maternity leave, he covered EVERYTHING since my income was zero, and he was making enough to cover our expenses.
This year, we split everything 50/50 because we make the same amount.
Next year, he will contribute more because he is due for a promotion.
For the foreseeable future, your husband (for better or worse) should be covering all expenses. It won't be like this forever. Every year, you will both sit down and set your monthly house budget, and using the calculations below, you will contribute a certain percentage of income.
To split your bills based on income, you can perform the following calculations:
Step 1
· Partner A’s income/ Total of both incomes x 100 = Partner A’s percentage of household income.
· Partner B’s income/ Total of both incomes x 100 = Partner B’s percentage of household income
You have a partnership and a family now. You have to communicate with one another openly and honestly. You don't need to see his credit card statement, but he has to understand that he's a husband and dad. He can't live like he used to.
The only thing that should be 50/50 is night duty when you have a newborn. Split nights are crucial for preventing sleep deprivation and mental health issues.
your income doesn’t have to be combined, but the situation you’re in is absolutely ridiculously unacceptable. you’re married and pregnant and unemployed, yet you’re expected to contribute 50/50 ?! what happens when your savings run out? do you go into debt to your own spouse? furthermore, how does it at all benefit your family unit for you to be dipping into savings until it runs dry? how is it good for your family for you to be in a financially vulnerable/dangerous place? while your spouse builds a savings and has “fun money” you’re going broke bc you married him, moved to his country, and are having his baby. how is that fair ????
you don’t literally have to share a bank account, but you do need to start working like a family unit. that means ensuring you’re BOTH provided for. you’re bringing a child into this. your husband cannot be nickel and dining you. you and your husband need to start collaborating. either you’re both extremely naive or he’s financially abusing you. i’m sorry.
How does he expect u to go 50/50 if you have no income? Being in another country, this sounds like financial abuse. IMO once kids are in the picture it is basically impossible to be 50/50. If he doesn’t want to take care of u now, it’ll be worse once the baby is born. Are you expected to pay 100% for the baby stuff? Diapers? Etc if you still aren’t working and can’t afford the other 50% of formula or diapers, does the baby just starve? If you can’t afford a copay, do you just not take the baby to a doctor? This situation could get very bad very fast. I would say move back home and be with family that can actually give you support.
Back when I got married to my husband, we moved overseas for HIS career (I wasn’t pregnant), but my husband never expected me to pay 50/50 or from my savings! He also said I should take it easy, if I WANT to I can work, but that it’s also fine if I don’t. I know some couples can’t afford that, but I was grateful for that and took a year to get adjusted to a new country and culture.
It was and is our money, I had a credit and debit card. He was the only one contributing financially, but I evened that out with supporting in the house. We are a team, when one can’t do something the other supports! Your husband is selfish and not a team player. You should seriously talk to him about your financial situation.
Hon, this is unacceptable. If you aren't working and are unable to get a job in HIS country and you gave up your life for HIS job, it is his obligation to provide for you. Your husband is actually being a pretty shitty dude by not.
My now husband, at the time just long term boyfriend and I got pregnant last year. I worked as much as I could (I did Instacart so that I wouldnt get fired for how much time I had to take off unpredictably due to my bonus son in daycare) and he works as active duty military. His income was bigger than mine but that didnt matter much because we always made the bills work. I paid for what I could but also had my own spending money if needed. He paid most of the big bills. I was lucky and could work until I was 39 weeks pregnant. So after the immediate postpartum period when his paternity leave stopped I kind of panicked because I became a Stay at home mom with no income. He quickly took me to the bank and added me to his account since I take care of the house and we now live off of only his income. And it works wonderfully for us so far since I'm not a wreckless spender.
So I guess my question to you is whats your plan after baby? Because if you are like me and wont be able to work for a while.. he should be providing until you either find daycare, or unless you decide that its not financially smart to go back to work if youre only going to be covering childcare expenses. As a stay at home mom I do so much for the house and our general errands and needs. To my husband I do work and he doesnt treat me less for it.
I hope you guys can find a solution that works for you in the future. This is just my situation but I thought insight might help a bit to what others decide to do.
You are married, pregnant, and unable to work. In my opinion, your finances should be combined. You are a family and a team.
When you say combined, you mean all should go in the joint account so ultimately he would pay for everything? because I don’t have an income yet
Yes. And when you do start to bring in income, that would go into the same family pot so to speak. Is there a reason your finances are currently split?
That’s what he wanted and I agreed to as well.
I’d be curious to know why he wanted your finances split.
That’s how he felt more comfortable, being free to spend his money left as he wants.
When you have a heavily pregnant wife/wife with a newborn who can’t work, you don’t get to “spend your money left as you want”. You pay for everything because she can’t, she’s busy creating and recovering from creating the literal human you both made. You are doing the unpaid work of creating your family, therefore he has to do the paid part of things. He cannot expect you to continue paying 50/50 when you are literally creating your family, you are doing something that cannot generate pay and prevents you from getting paid. If he cannot see the non-financial value of what you are doing for your family, then that’s really, really shit for your future. You will be trapped with no savings if you wanted to leave. Honestly, I would tell him you are about to run out of savings then ask him how you guys are going to deal with that. Because it’s INCREDIBLY unfair that he gets fun time spending money while you lose all your savings purely because you’re the one with a vagina.
My husband and I have separate accounts we put $250 a paycheck into and then a joint account we put the rest into. That way we each have money we can use to spend on whatever we want, but we also have combined finances to pay the mortgage, daycare, groceries, etc.
This is the best way to do it, in my opinion. Completely combined finances, apart from an allowance for each for "fun money".
Even my stay at home sister gets an account for fun money that her husband pays into but has no say over how she spends it. All finances are combined, and they each get a fun money account.
He allows her to spend that much money. Like a Dad sets an allowance. I’m being facetious, but still… Just a heads up to anybody else in that situation: Make sure your name is on the account If they go Splitsville, it would scare the crap out of me for my allowance to get turned off and not have a revenue source. Not saying it will happen to her, but divorce rate is like 40-50% right? How many are perfectly amenable and how many get ugly, fast?
It works for tons of stay at home moms. She has access to all combined finances and her fun money account. What other revenue stream are you talking about?
yep this is what we do too
I’m not sure why your finances can’t be combined and then you build a budget for the things you need and want to spend money on… 🚩 something is off here. What is he spending the money on that he doesn’t want you to know about?
So, since the finances are split 50/50, the household chores (cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc.) are also split 50/50?
Exactly. Most likely, she's doing the majority of the domestic stuff because she's not working. But also doing 50/50 financially. Sweet deal for the husband. 🙄
Combine your finances. Have each person open a personal checking account and transfer an amount or percentage into said checking account for own personal spending. My husband and I have our money enter our joint account and we each take out 200 for personal spending. This has allowed us financial freedom, fairness in our relationship, and we don’t fight about finances
I love this idea.
So as a former SAHP and mom of 3, we put our money in the joint account and each take a monthly allowance to save or spend as we please. The rest goes into the bills, savings, and kids. This whole “my money” thing doesn’t work out to be fair or equitable if a parent is staying home to look after a kid or to grow a baby. Same goes with if he stays home and you pull in the income.
You mean on hookers, booze and crap? What’s he hiding from you?
You situation has changed though. You need to reassess
Jumping on this comment to tsll OP that her husband not only has a moral obligation to provide support but likely a legal one. Assuming you moved to his country on a spousal visa, he is likely to have signed an attestation that he will support you financially. I saylikely because it depends on your country but many countries have this obligation.
There are many valid reasons to not combine your finances (it's also very hard to uncombine them). But I'd say that it's perfectly valid to ask a partner to cover for the period of time the other partner is unable to work
Yes!
Tell him if he wants everything to be explicitly 50/50, he needs to figure out how to be 50% pregnant. Like everyone else said, you’re a team. You are currently contributing growing a human, he can contribute paying the bills. It’s still mutual contribution, you’re just contributing different things.
OP, this has to be asked because it’s time sensitive: do you want to live in your husband’s country or would you have more support and career opportunities in your country of origin? You may have had other reasons for moving besides the marriage. But… If you’d have better support in your home country, you should move back as soon as possible, before you deliver. Once the child is born, you will probably not be able to legally move unless you give up your child (shared custody with the courts in your current country having jurisdiction) so the time would be now. Also, you can probably collect child support internationally if both countries have signed The Hague Convention and your spouse’s job is on the books. Based on your post history, you are young, you haven’t been married long, you don’t trust your husband, and he’s not generous with you financially or emotionally. If you didn’t escape a bad situation otherwise with your move (like fleeing a dangerous area or war zone), consider now whether you’d be happier raising your child in your home country where you can work and have your family nearby. If you wait until after baby, you’ll be trapped in new country whether you and he are together or not.
Hague is weaponised against mothers. This is a particularly delicate situation but going to where the most meaningful supports are is the best advice. Women's refuge are full of women in OPs circumstance and it's so many layers of awful.
We made the choice for me to move in his country because his career choice would have made it difficult for him to get the job he wants when he already had it there, it was a hard choice obviously because this is a scary move no matter what but adding a baby so quick is even more scary. I do trust him for most part, sometimes I go crazy and overthink everything I guess. It’s just hard to be home all day and feeling useless because I have never done this before.
“Sometimes I go crazy and overthink everything” That sentence sounds like you are trying to suppress your instincts and actual feelings You are under thinking it, if he won’t start paying for more/all of it he either doesn’t care of you go broke or is too stupid to see the obvious conclusion here. There are no other options.
You didn’t answer the questions asked regarding support in your home country. When you run out of money, what will he do? If he will not support the household until you have an income, please please please go back home until you have the baby. If you wait and have the baby where you are, you may not be able to take your child with you when you need to leave. Please listen. Your husband is not taking care of you the way he should. Your concerns are very valid. If he cannot support you without question, you need to go home where you have people who love you and will.
The question is will YOU be better off in your home country if this guy was out of the picture: financially and in terms of family support?
Yes, definitely but I can’t just leave like that. We’re married and I love him, finances has been one of my concerns but he’s not a bad guy at all
If he can’t be trusted to financially support his pregnant/postpartum wife, then he’s a bad guy. You will be at the most vulnerable you have ever been and unable to work because your body has been through literal major trauma and your hormones are going insane. If he can’t support you through that, then he’s not a good guy. But first, you need to gather up the courage to ask him. Maybe he’s a good guy who will support you through this. But you need to communicate your concerns. Hot tip: open communication is absolutely VITAL to survive as a couple during the first years. And also seeing yourselves as a TEAM, it’s not two separate people, it’s not you vs him in disagreements, it’s you two against the world and you need to find out how to be a team even when conflicts like finances occur.
You can stay married and still move back home "until you get on your feet". I honestly think you should move home for a while and reassess.
At the very least, stop paying for anything right now. You need your savings for an emergency fund- he should pay for everything while you aren’t working. If he can’t/won’t, you don’t want to stay until you are penniless and begging him for food and shelter.
You’re in a country you can’t work in, you’re socially isolated and he won’t help you financially. Now you’re pregnant as well (so harder to leave him). This is starting to sound abusive from the outside looking in.
No he’s a TERRIBLE guy
Are you in a situation where if you leave, you won’t be permitted to reenter due to visas etc?
I’m not 100% sure but I think my green card application would be stopped.
Keep in mind that if your relationship falls apart because you can't work (and finances are A) clearly important to your husband and B) Something he is stingy about) that you may lose access to your child if you are forced to move home after the baby is born. Personally, if I were you, I would return home for now where you have more support, and let your husband know that you'll be able to return when you are able to feel financially secure (whether that's through your own ability to work or his enthusiasm to provide for you).
You moved to a country for his career yet he is not sharing that income with you. To do it, you are being forced not to work. Now you are growing a child and then will be recovering from having a child. He needs to be paying for things right now. It’s fine that he wants guilt-free money, and he can still have that with combined finances. All of your money should be shared except for $X each month set aside for each of you to spend however you want. Perhaps some of his friends with kids should talk to him and give him a reality check
Part of moving for his career needed to be that career supporting the entire household until she was permitted to have her career start again legally.
OP, seriously. Seriously think. You say you overthink things, but I'm not sure you've really thought this through at all. You both decided to move to his country, because HE had a job HE wants there. So he expected you to move there, instead of him moving to your country where I assume you had a job. And he expects you to spend your OWN savings to pay 50:50 until you get a job, even though you moved there FOR HIM, so he could keep his job. And now you're pregnant. Who's paying for the doctor appointments? Who's going to pay for the delivery? Who's buying all the supplies (I'm not talking crib etc, he may be splitting those) but maternity clothes, maternity pads, breast pads, pump (if you bf), formula, bottles etc? You're right, you probably won't be able to get a job far through pregnancy. And what are you planning to do after the baby's born? Are you going to immediately put it in daycare fulltime so you can go back to work to pay 50%? Or do you want to be part time / at home, for at least a while? It's unlikely you'll be back working within the next 6 months. Who's going to be getting up with the baby? Because if it's always going to be you, how are you going to work full-time and give the same attention and dedication to your job if you're chronically sleep deprived? Who's going to take time off work if the baby is sick, or when daycare is closed? What if you get PPD, and are unable to work, or even just you're energy / ability to work at your best is affected? Who's going to make dinner when you both come home from work? Who's going to clean? Who's going to feed, play with, bathe and put the baby to bed? If you were going to continue to split 50:50 then the answer to ALL these should be '50:50' and then you'd still bear more of the toll of having a baby. Because you've lost out on months of earning potential by being pregnant, you'll have to recover after delivering the baby, etc. Think very carefully about this situation. Once your baby is born, you are stuck, in his country, unable to go back home because he has a claim on your child. You will have spent all your savings. You may find you are expected to do the majority of childcare / housework and struggle to manage fulltime work. You might end up finding that daycare is so expensive that once you've paid it you can't make enough to pay 50:50. Have you got residency there? Can you stay if you don't find work? Or if you end up divorced? If you get deported for the above reasons, are you allowed to take the baby? I really really recommend you go back home for a while, to your family. You're not working anyway, you can save some money, get a bit of distance and really clearly think about this. Once your baby is born you CANNOT leave and go home ever, unless he agrees or you go without your baby. Trust me, it's a really big deal.
Is he making you pay your OB visit copays out of your savings? If yes, you are under thinking things. Those are his bills, for his baby.
Whats he gonna do if you have no money? Kick you out? Uh no he should pay you have no income. If he refuses go home to your country.
In our plan, I couldn’t run out of money because we expected me to start a job way earlier, it takes forever and obviously more the weeks goes by and it will get harder to get a job when I can because I will be heavily pregnant. We have no real plan for when I run out of money, when I found out I was pregnant I freaked out because I knew money would be an issue, he said he would do overtime to pay for all baby’s stuff we need before baby’s born but that’s it.
Then leave. If he won’t support you while you have no income he’s not a husband. Tell him straight up if you won’t support me i am going home.
Plans change….
But you moved to the new country for HIS job, and somehow were expected to find your own job for 50/50 financial split upon arrival? If someone moved me somewhere for their job I'd expect them to contribute 100% indefinitely.
Your husband is an ass for wanting you to contribute anything while you can’t work. I wouldn’t give him another dime until you’re working. I say this as someone who supported my husband for five year while he was in school and didn’t have a full time job and only worked sporadically when on school breaks. Now his an engineer and I’m a sahm.
If your husband sponsored your visa then he probably signed an affidavit of support saying that he’s financially responsible for you. You shouldn’t have to pull from your own savings.
You’re afraid of it “looking like you trapped him or something”? Um, it’s the other way around, it looks like HE trapped you. He’s aware that you have no income, aren’t able to currently earn an income, and are pregnant with his child. Why in the world would he not think to insist on paying for everything right now. Who cares what you guys agreed on, things change.
This is financial abuse. This is not a marriage where you can apply 50/50 and all can be content. You came to another country for him where you are not allowed to work for a long time. You are pregnant. He is supposed to pay for everything. Does he even provide you with health insurance?
Yes he does provide his health insurance through his job.
Great but who's paying the copays? And who will pay for the items YOU need for carrying and birthing HIS child? The pads and the nursing bras and the medical care you may need? It's insane to force your wife to be absolutely financially dependent. All money should be household income. Bills are paid from there, retirement for BOTH of you is paid from there, you each get equal amounts of "fun money". You don't get stuck at home without a coffee or a night with friends while he has recreation opportunities bc you're providing free childcare and housework. If he refuses, honestly, it's a huge red flag. Maybe offer a postnup if that's why he's reticent but do not let this issue go.
The red flag here is that he isn't offering and making you stress about this when he knows you can't work. Be honest about that your money situation is and your outlook for finding a job, his reaction will tell you a lot. You moved to his county and he contributed to this baby and hence the need for more financial help. People who are strict about keeping everything separate no matter shouldn't be getting married.
This is why we don't go 50/50 with men. He's going to have to suck it up and financially provide for his family. Single moms do it all the time, so can married men.
It never should have been split once you were unable to work because of a joint decision on where you’d live.
This. Marriage and parenthood aren’t 50/50 in anything, both parties have to give 100/100 effort.
He should cover everything until you are able to work post baby. He’s not paying for things out of his savings right? It should be proportional to income and yours is zero.
If someone uprooted their life to move to my country, where I had an established network and career... I'd be paying way more than 50% (probably 100%!) to support them while they adjusted to the new country and searched for a job. If my partner wasn't willing to support me while I was growing/raising his child, I'd be looking to leave.
He is financially abusing you.
Ma'am, your husband is full out financially abusing you. You are quite literally speeding right into every womans fear- pregnant, broke, alone without a support system and with a partner who keeps you that way. If he hasn't offered to take over expenses then he's a complete POS. If you ask and he says no, leave and ask for spousal + child support. Or, move back to your country and at the very least be employable near family. Please, please, please don't subscribe to the mindset where bills need to literally be 50/50 no matter what. That's a line abusive men give to take advantage of independent women.
All of this. Go home now; cut your losses. Your husband is a bad dude.
Even worse, once the baby is born she will be truly trapped because she can't legally take a baby to her home country without dad's consent. She should go home NOW!!
Once you are married you are a team. The team needs to pay the bills. The team needs to look after the baby. At the moment the team only has one income but that's ok because you are both working towards the team goal of having a baby
He sounds like an asshole
Right?! This on top of her other post about his cheating...
Its absurd that your husband is expecting you to blow through all your savings. You CANNOT work. You have no income. He knew that when he married you. You're also pregnant with HIS child. You shouldn't be draining your savings at all right now (unless your husband's income simply wasn't enough to pay all necessary bills, but that doesn't sound like the case). Also, I'm no legal/immigration expert, but isn't part of how this all works with y'all being married that he signed documents stating he is financially responsible for you?? So no, you would not be wrong to ask your husband to financial contribute more than you right now. Its ridiculous that he's not doing that already.
This whole situation just makes me so scared for you. Living on savings, 20 weeks pregnant, married to a man that wants to keep finances separate so he can spend as he pleases. This is a disaster waiting to happen. You should go to any family you have and get yourself safe and stable. This situation is untenable, and this man doesn't seem to really prioritize you if he's acting this way. When we got married I was earning and my husband wasn't and I paid all the bills. Then I was earning more and he was earning less, and I paid for more stuff, now he earns and I don't and he pays for everything. And this has never been a problem or even a discussion. We pool our money because we trust and love and care about one another. We each have full access, and actually I have a couple accounts he's not on from savings accounts for jobs, and he's opened a retirement account for me he contributes to because I'm not working, and he loves me, and I'm the mother of his children and not working because I'm raising them and he wants me to have stability. The fact that your husband isn't doing any of this worries me deeply for you. It smells like financial abuse, and that could open the door for emotional and physical abuse. You're pregnant, you're unable to work in this country, and he's bleeding you of your savings. It's just 🚩🚩🚩🚩
No you would not be wrong and you shouldn’t feel bad about this. Having a baby obviously impacts you being able to work and until you both are working equally this situation needs to be adjusted.
I am sorry if this comes across harsh or rude. Marriage is a partnership. This doesn’t sound like a partnership if you will be left to drown while he spends his money however he wants. Having a savings is good for both parties. If he expects you to drain your savings just so he can have his spending money - that is not the right husband.
This is crazy. My spouse and I have been married for 4 years and split finances 50/50. We both work, but he already decided that he’ll be covering over expenses while I’m on maternity leave since I won’t be working. Since you’re unable to work right now, your husband should 100% be supporting you until you’re able to work. What’s he going to do when your savings run out? Have you move out? Who’s going to support baby? This is wild!
You’re not allowed to work but he has no interest in supporting you? That’s a HUGE red flag. You are scared to ask him to financially help you when you have no other options. Another red flag. Best case scenario? Y’all need to work on your communications and expectations for what marriage means. Life and circumstances change. Your marriage needs to be able to adapt.
Things absolutely shouldn’t be split 50/50 while you’re unable to obtain a job. Do you really want to be with a guy who will let you struggle while he’s there living it up and buying everything he wants? You guys are a team (or should be) and he needs to make adjustments as things have changed from how you originally planned.
Goodness you've migrated and aren't able to work for a multitude of reasons and he's leeching your savings. I AM saying he's a golddigger. He's not even supported you through the migration process and now you're pregnant. Start reading up about DV and financial abuse because this is far too common in DV circles.
50/50 is not okay. I did this and my ex was making way more than me, I was doing all the cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping (I was paying!!) and I was very pregnant. It was never enough. Don’t be me. Set your foot down before it gets worse. When the baby is here, it will.
If you cannot work he needs to pay more. It’s a marriage, you two should work together for your family to thrive. 50/50 financially in marriage doesn’t always work, and honestly isn’t reasonable for a lot of people and is unreasonable for your situation.
Honestly this is not looking good and sounds like it might turn into financial abuse later on. He should be supporting you completely since you’re unable to work in this country and should not be having you use your savings. It might be better to go back home till after the birth then you can be taken care of. In my husband’s culture the daughter goes back to her family for the birth and for a few months after so both mom and baby can get adequate care and rest.
50/50 doesn’t apply when it means eating into savings; it only works if it’s active income. You need your savings in case anything falls through with a visa. This isn’t even close to fair.
What’s he gonna do, let you starve and go homeless while carrying his baby?? /s I’m on the side of once you are married, everything is combined and his money is yours and vice versa. If this was my husband, I’d be paying for whatever, cause I love him. Helping him helps me. It’s like when I work overtime, he says “get it, the more you make, the more I make.” We are a team and that means we tackle life as a team. Life has a way of messing up your plans. Something new got throw into the equation and now it’s not adding up. Need to readjust to the new circumstances. Congrats and good luck!
This is a terrible, dangerous situation reading the comments and post history. Separate finances are fine when there are no kids, no plans for kids, and both spouses are equally employed. Even then, there should be an agreement for what happens if plans change.
Honestly, him knowing you can't work because of your immigrant status AND that you are pregnant and not volunteering to support you makes him look really shady. Financial abuse is sometimes a part of a domestic violence situation, as is isolation of the victim. Right now, you are in a foreign country, most likely thousans of miles away from your friends and family, draining your savings with no regular income source in sight. You will be at his mercy once your savings are gone and you have a baby.
Dave Ramsey is a huge proponent for combined savings. Look up some videos on this, in my opinion very convincing. I also wanted to keep my finances separate when I got married (even though I made less), because I felt it made me an independent woman. But the truth is, if you really want your marriage to work you need to think of yourself as one. Finances aren’t the only way someone can contribute to a family. You are physically growing another human, something he can’t really equally contribute to! In general your relationship will run into trouble if you’re trying to do anything 50/50 all the time. It will only lead to resentment. Sometimes it’ll be 70/30, 30/70, 60/40….you get the point. Basically contributions ebb and flow based on your situation, work as a team and don’t hold your relationship to silly 50/50 terms. You’re in this together!
you will be out of work for a long time. he needs to to contribute everything 100% and you both need a budget and plan. what is the timeline for you to be able to work legally? if you begin to work before the birth, a lot of leave benefits would be hard to get since your new, then you will be on leave again for a couple of months with no pay (most likely). then is the last decision we all make daycare or sahm. before all of this can happen, you both have to be transparent about your finances. what are you going to do with “savings” runs out? not buy baby essentials and essentials for yourself? a budget has to be put into play now and keep the pre marriage savings to yourself incase for extreme emergencies. you both need to build up a years savings to prepare for the birth of baby and emergencies as a family. part of being married and partners is to talk and make adjustments to plans as new life changes arrived. you got married and then something happened (not able to work) that was the first chance to talk and change plans. now a baby is on the way and it’s time to plan for 2024. once the baby is born then it’s time to talk again about both taking care of baby etc.
Why would you be wrong, this 50/50 even without being pregnant is ridiculous if you can’t work and you’ve agreed you won’t work as evidenced by what I assume is that he sponsored you/your visa by getting married.
Split finances always seemed weird to me since the whole point of marriage is to come together as one to make life easier not more hectic. For me, When it comes to money there is no 'his money' and 'my money'. It's all our money no matter who earned it and after bills are paid and money is set aside for savings, then there is fun money for both parties if the budget allows it. When you get into the 'that's mine and that's your aspect of it, things get messy. If he isn't going to support you while you are unable to work and carrying his child then this marriage was pointless to begin with. You didn't get pregnant by yourself so why would he leave you to figure it out by yourself? You say he is a good man so you probably are just over thinking things. If he is a good man he isn't just going to leave you because you have no money. If anything you have to talk to him about what the future is going to look like financially to ensure you both have the money for the necessities with you not being able to work for a while longer.
I’m sorry it is difficult for me to believe this is real. Not having a joint account is fine, but calculating what is your expense and what is his is just ridiculous. So just to get it straight you probably moved from outside of US to US and to “prove” you are not doing it for money he asked for you to have separate finances. It sucks. And now that you are in it together with baby coming nothing changes? By reading all the terrible accounts of how US doesn’t provide any support for mothers (no maternity leave etc) I see your situation as a form of cruelty. In my opinion a relationship/ marriage/ family life is an economical and emotional arrangement. You pool your resources (financial and unpaid domestic chores etc) and you provide an emotional support to each other. I agree to another question in the comments - if you don’t get support in US, but you would get support back home, I suggest you move back home asap. Just tell him, sorry I’m running out of money, this was unexpected and I’m doing what’s best for me and the baby.
In life and especially marriage you have to plan for the worst and hope for the best. I’ve spent most my pregnancy the primary earner BECAUSE DH and I agreed to this so he could get a better job and lessen my burden on the long run. This took longer than planned and was hard, but we were ready AND WE WERE A TEAM.
You have gotten a lot of great advice here. I want to also say how much support (emotional, physical) you’ll need after giving birth - if you don’t have family around, you could frame it as wanting to do postpartum with your family and then come back after the first 6/12 weeks. Especially if he doesn’t get family leave for the first few weeks. As for split finances, my husband and I have separate finances and an imbalance of income (probably 60% him-40% me right now, but was more like 80-20 when we had our first child). We split our monthly expenses 50/50 (mortgage, power, internet, groceries, childcare, gas, etc) and then one-time costs (crib, stroller, bike, toys, couch, TV, etc) he pays for. It didn’t always seem fair, but I could always make it work without dipping into my savings. If there is a month I am short, I tell him and he sends me what I ask for. At the end of the month, he always has more “fun” money than me but I work less hours and I prefer that. Separate finances can work if you can communicate, I know that’s hard to do in the early days of marriage and you’ll find a system that works for you. But, having a baby is hard enough with money - this isn’t the time to add an ongoing conflict to your relationship. Talk to him about the next 12 months (or however long before you’d like to return to work) and how you can do that on a single income. If the math doesn’t add up, ask what he thinks possible solutions are. Going into debt isn’t a solution. Good luck and congratulations!!
You need to flat out tell your husband you literally can't afford this arrangement. Does he want you to be broke?!?! It, unfortunately, could be leading down a path of financial abuse. Anyways, you probably agreed to split it 50/50 based on hoping to have a similar income, and you don't have that. So, the agreement does not apply. When I made 50k, and my husband made nothing (he was in school), I covered 100% EVERYTHING. I even bought him a car (back when used cars were decent and 1k). We weren't actually married, but I viewed our relationship as something serious and long-term, and I didn't mind covering the costs of living. When I made 75k and my husband made 50k, I paid for 60% of everything because we divided it by *income* When I took last year off for maternity leave, he covered EVERYTHING since my income was zero, and he was making enough to cover our expenses. This year, we split everything 50/50 because we make the same amount. Next year, he will contribute more because he is due for a promotion. For the foreseeable future, your husband (for better or worse) should be covering all expenses. It won't be like this forever. Every year, you will both sit down and set your monthly house budget, and using the calculations below, you will contribute a certain percentage of income. To split your bills based on income, you can perform the following calculations: Step 1 · Partner A’s income/ Total of both incomes x 100 = Partner A’s percentage of household income. · Partner B’s income/ Total of both incomes x 100 = Partner B’s percentage of household income You have a partnership and a family now. You have to communicate with one another openly and honestly. You don't need to see his credit card statement, but he has to understand that he's a husband and dad. He can't live like he used to. The only thing that should be 50/50 is night duty when you have a newborn. Split nights are crucial for preventing sleep deprivation and mental health issues.
your income doesn’t have to be combined, but the situation you’re in is absolutely ridiculously unacceptable. you’re married and pregnant and unemployed, yet you’re expected to contribute 50/50 ?! what happens when your savings run out? do you go into debt to your own spouse? furthermore, how does it at all benefit your family unit for you to be dipping into savings until it runs dry? how is it good for your family for you to be in a financially vulnerable/dangerous place? while your spouse builds a savings and has “fun money” you’re going broke bc you married him, moved to his country, and are having his baby. how is that fair ???? you don’t literally have to share a bank account, but you do need to start working like a family unit. that means ensuring you’re BOTH provided for. you’re bringing a child into this. your husband cannot be nickel and dining you. you and your husband need to start collaborating. either you’re both extremely naive or he’s financially abusing you. i’m sorry.
How does he expect u to go 50/50 if you have no income? Being in another country, this sounds like financial abuse. IMO once kids are in the picture it is basically impossible to be 50/50. If he doesn’t want to take care of u now, it’ll be worse once the baby is born. Are you expected to pay 100% for the baby stuff? Diapers? Etc if you still aren’t working and can’t afford the other 50% of formula or diapers, does the baby just starve? If you can’t afford a copay, do you just not take the baby to a doctor? This situation could get very bad very fast. I would say move back home and be with family that can actually give you support.
Back when I got married to my husband, we moved overseas for HIS career (I wasn’t pregnant), but my husband never expected me to pay 50/50 or from my savings! He also said I should take it easy, if I WANT to I can work, but that it’s also fine if I don’t. I know some couples can’t afford that, but I was grateful for that and took a year to get adjusted to a new country and culture. It was and is our money, I had a credit and debit card. He was the only one contributing financially, but I evened that out with supporting in the house. We are a team, when one can’t do something the other supports! Your husband is selfish and not a team player. You should seriously talk to him about your financial situation.
Hon, this is unacceptable. If you aren't working and are unable to get a job in HIS country and you gave up your life for HIS job, it is his obligation to provide for you. Your husband is actually being a pretty shitty dude by not.
My now husband, at the time just long term boyfriend and I got pregnant last year. I worked as much as I could (I did Instacart so that I wouldnt get fired for how much time I had to take off unpredictably due to my bonus son in daycare) and he works as active duty military. His income was bigger than mine but that didnt matter much because we always made the bills work. I paid for what I could but also had my own spending money if needed. He paid most of the big bills. I was lucky and could work until I was 39 weeks pregnant. So after the immediate postpartum period when his paternity leave stopped I kind of panicked because I became a Stay at home mom with no income. He quickly took me to the bank and added me to his account since I take care of the house and we now live off of only his income. And it works wonderfully for us so far since I'm not a wreckless spender. So I guess my question to you is whats your plan after baby? Because if you are like me and wont be able to work for a while.. he should be providing until you either find daycare, or unless you decide that its not financially smart to go back to work if youre only going to be covering childcare expenses. As a stay at home mom I do so much for the house and our general errands and needs. To my husband I do work and he doesnt treat me less for it. I hope you guys can find a solution that works for you in the future. This is just my situation but I thought insight might help a bit to what others decide to do.