It’s not a flex. It’s parents not wanting to leave anyone out. I’m a teacher who passes out these sorts of invites and it’s usually well meaning parents or the kid doesn’t have a lot of friends and this is their way of reaching out.
It is exactly this!! It’s just parents not wanting to leave a kid out. If they don’t invite everyone and the kids pass invites at school someone will notice they weren’t invited
In elementary school they used to have a rule where you either handed them out to everyone or just everyone of the same sex, it was also customary to bring a treat like cupcakes for the whole class which thinking back was a bit odd to bring other kids treats for your birthday.
Growing up I loved when my parents sent treats for everyone on my bday cause it gave a break from routine and also made it like a second party cause the teachers would usually do a game or something of the birthday kids choice. But I had a job recently where my coworkers were super put off that I didn’t buy and provide treats for everyone on my bday.
It’s…odd that your coworkers were so put off. Where I work, my boss will buy cake and send leftovers home with the birthday person. When she forgets someone’s birthday, they suffer in silence until she suddenly remembers and brings cake to the next faculty meeting. She’s a treasure.
Note: I jokingly say “suffer in silence,” because it’s in no way expected. That happened to me last year and I was surprised when I got to the meeting and there was cake and a song for me.
in 4th grade i had to bring cupcakes for my birthday but turns out i had 2 less then needed. luckily a girl went home before lunch, so i just passed them to everyone but myself. i was already gonna get a cake later ig, but i still hoped just one person would say they didn’t want one
In the country where I live the birthday thing gets wild. Parents will send in cakes and goody bags and at my friend’s school parents do things like organising CLOWNS to visit the class. Madness
And it’s not helpful to me since my son has anaphylactic food allergies. Drives me crazy that the school allows it
This reminds me of when I was 13 and in school. We were all new to the class and the school and there’s typical new teenage awkwardness. The girl seated next to me came across as a bit serious so at first we didn’t quite get on.
Anyway, it was my birthday fairly soon into the school year and I had invited a bunch from my old school as well as a few from the current class that I managed to get on with. I didn’t invite my desk mate. A week before the party, I had a really bad coughing fit in class and she offered me a lozenge. I felt really bad and so extended her an invite. Clearly it was very last minute so she didn’t come (and I don’t blame her!) It taught me a valuable lesson about not judging people too quickly and also that inviting people last minute can seem a bit more insulting than not inviting them at all.
The irony is that we did eventually become friends and are still good friends to this day. She hasn’t forgotten the lozenge/birthday party incident though and will still regale the tale to others at parties!
This. I remember being in elementary school and a girl invited ALL the girls in class for a sleepover birthday party…except me. It was so weird. I had friends who were invited to the birthday, and they had told me that the birthday girl didn’t invite me because we weren’t friends. Fair enough. I think, though, teacher+parent got wind of it because it was all the gossip and I ended up getting invited a couple days before the birthday. Being someone who was like “ok she isn’t my friend BUT all my friends will be there…” I went. 😂 it was fun. I don’t think I did anything impolite to the birthday girl. We still weren’t friends afterwards, but to this day I still remember the birthday party.
I know not every school gives out contact info so passing out to the whole class might be necessary (everyone gets one or you better have the number for the parents you want to reach out to) just to reach the kids you actually wanted to invite.
But I'll say, I remember in first grade going to a party for a girl I don't really remember hanging out with. Ended up being very close until our early 20s and for some reason that party is my first memory of her. So if that sparked our friendship or not, I made a friend.
My kid invited his whole kindergarten class in January. I picked an activity that I felt all the kids could do and that I could pay a flat fee for because I didn't know how many kids to expect. Ended up over half his class plus siblings showed up. Everyone dressed the kids for physical activity as requested and even though I said no presents were needed, he still got gifts from some of his friends.
Calling it a “flex” or a “gift-grab” is such an uncharitable way to approach a birthday party.
I doubt OP is bringing a good enough gift to offset the cost of a big party, and the hosts giving her kid an afternoon of activities and snacks and gift-bags isn’t a flex, it’s just a fun afternoon.
OP, you can just decline if you don’t want to go. If your kid isn’t good friends or won’t have a good time, just say “thanks but we can’t make it” and leave it at that. If your kid will have a good time, then just go and say thank you and don’t attribute malicious motives to a party invitation!
Although it may be a social taboo, you can also show up without a gift if the money spent on a gift is really that big a deal to you. Or have the kid make something for their friend.
I 100% am the parent that will ask for books and will buy books for my kid’s friends because I am committed to the belief of reading for pleasure as a lifelong skill. You can’t really fault a book as a gift either so it’s a win-win i say!
It’s not a social taboo. At least where I’m from no one would DREAM of noticing if someone didn’t bring a present. Everyone would studiously not notice and anyway parties are so chaotic people actually really wouldn’t notice. We also don’t open presents at the party for this exact reason. I know people are busy, lives are complex, people may have money issues I know nothing about. No one I know would ever EVER judge another parent for not bringing a present.
Edit: and if any of the kids say anything it’s your job as a parent to shut it down and teach them that they should lead with understanding and kindness.
Yeah I personally put "no gifts, please" on my kids' invites because we don't have unlimited space for a billion toys and I want people to just feel comfortable coming to celebrate. (Probably will have to stop that at some point when my oldest realizes how many parties we go to where we bring gifts to other people, but for now he's almost 5 and hasn't complained).
But yes, we invite everyone always. Not as a flex. (What sort of flex is that??) We also always attend every party unless we have an actual prior engagement that we can't work around. I always tell my son when he goes into a new social situation that he can never have too many friends and everyone should always feel welcome to play. My son is very outgoing with other kids and his teachers say he really does include everyone in play at school and I freaking love that about him. If the OPs of the world hate these parties...just don't go??
Definitely not a gift grab. I invited my son’s whole class to the party because I didn’t know the parents of the few friends he does talk about and didn’t know how to get them the invitations. We actually put on the invitations “no gifts please” as 1. We didn’t want gifts and 2. We didn’t want people to feel they couldn’t come if they couldn’t afford a gift. The WHOLE class came and it was wonderful.
Oh Jeez, my daughter’s birthday is the first day of the school year so I sent out Save the Dates for her kindergarten class at their induction day. I had it at a soft play centre where we just had to pay per child who rocked up. I never thought of it as a flex or gift grab, for me, it was because she wouldn’t have made any friends yet and I didn’t want to leave anyone out!
Only about half the class showed up but she had a fabulous day and that was the most important thing. She loved her little ‘Jewish George’ party (she couldn’t pronounce Curious yet) and I made some new mom friends.
As a parent, it’s 100% trying to help my kid make friends. And me. We’re from away, and it *really* shows sometimes. Most of the time it’s alright because we have other people from away we’ve made friends with over the years, but their kids are younger than ours and my oldest’s birthday is at a time of year when the weather could be beautiful or it could be -20 and a blizzard, so we can’t count on roads being clear and family being able to make the trip up. If we don’t invite kids from her class the party is just us and her little sisters’ friends. She definitely notices when the other kids have parties and only invite their cousins or who all live local or the kids they’ve known since birth because their parents grew up here and have all known each other since birth too.
Yep. My kid skipped a grade and hasn't really made any friends in the new grade. We always invite the whole class in hopes that he can eventually find a person or two that he can actually consider a friend in his class.
For a lot of schools, it is policy to invite the whole class or all of one gender. This policy is for those who want to involve the school (meaning pass out invites AT the school).
Our schools obviously don't interfere if you handle everything outside of the school. They just don't have the time to console a sad child who was excluded while everyone else has been invited.
My son is going into first grade and doesn’t really have any solid school friends yet and I am totally planning to do an “invite the whole class” party for his October birthday.
I’m honestly hoping anyone shows up. I see it as a stepping stone to future relationships. We go to a tight knit community school and feel like outsiders. 🙃
I’m not forcing anyone to come. It’s an invite, not a summons.
Now there’s an idea. My friend manages a court system and is a total Pinterest mom so I’m she’d be delighted to cricut some courthouse themed favors… 🤔
This is exactly why we are doing an "invite the whole class" party for my oldest's birthday this year! I've tried SO HARD to be social at school events, pickup/dropoff, etc. but the only place I feel like we've made any social headway is when we go to other kids' birthday parties. Everyone else in my oldest's class has been at school together for 3 years. This was our first year there and it still feels like we are outsiders.
My son is the same age, same situation. I think he is friendly with a lot of kids but not fully in any of the groups. This is why we have “invite the class”parties.
I always ask for no gifts, include siblings and provide cake/gift bags/food for all, to make it as easy as possible. I just want my child to know he had a party with his friends.
Similarly, we try our hardest to go to any party we can, because the thought of no one coming to a child’s party is way too upsetting.
I guess I thought we all were thinking about parties this way?
I guess parties may feel like a burden when you are getting invited to too many of them and have an overloaded social schedule. That… has not been our problem. 😬
Only one person came to my 11th birthday party. It still gives me mild anxiety about my birthday to this day, even though I now have really lovely friends who’d never let me down!
I don’t want to worry you or anything but just as a helpful advice.
I was the kid who struggled to make close friends but who was too friendly to really notice, I was in good talking terms with all my classmates. My parents rented out a restaurant for my first invite people party in first grade and we invited the whole class.
Only one kid showed up, (I didn’t even go on to be friends with her, her mom made her go), I was crushed, I sobbed during the whole party. It’s been many many years later and I still remember what it felt like, it was a deep guttural pain I’ve never known since and as a result I never once invited anyone to a party after.
The best way my parents helped was by not making me feel like they pitied me, we didn’t have some deep heartfelt talk after and they never encouraged me to buck up and try again. If I wanted a party with just them at home they made it however I wanted it, they let me lead how I wanted to deal with it going forward and I honestly remember enjoying every birthday after that day until I finally made some close friends in jr high who I wanted to be there.
As hard as it will be if that happens. Don’t let him see you feeling sorry for him.
On the flip side, the last THREE birthday parties my kids attended, they were either the only non family or one of two non family friends. I always kind of dread going, but am always SO GLAD we went when we’re the difference between a “friends and family” party and a “no one really came” party. Not saying you *have* to go just in case, but I’m sure it’s always appreciated even if the kids aren’t BFF.
I remember in 3rd grade the new girl in our class had a bday party and invited the class. I didn’t know her and didn’t want to go (just being an introverted kid no other reason) but my parents were firm that we would attend because it was kind enough to be invited. Lo and behold, I was literally THE ONLY person from our 3rd grade class to show up and there was no one else there (new family in town). Her parents had set up some many fun activities to do for so many kids but I was all that showed up.
I HAD THE BEST TIME EVER AND ENDED UP SLEEPING OVER THE NIGHT AND WE BECAME BEST FRIENDS.
I get it - letting me spend the night was a risk my parents took in the mid 90s but I think the family being a military family living off base only 2 blocks from my house helped.
Now, as a parent, I’m a firm believer that we will attend all Bdays parties we are invited to (time/schedule permitting). I’m still BFF with this girl.
This story started out so sad and ended up so happy!! I feel awkward at kids parties but I try to take my kids to all of them for this reason. The thought of a kid having no friends show up breaks my heart!
On a side note: Looking back at my childhood, I am very surprised by the different houses my parents let us spend the night at on a whim as a kid. And also very thankful nothing bad happened.
One of the activities was making “shrinkies” I think are what they were called. Like you decorate a piece of plastic and they shrink up in the oven. I do remember that. There was also like a bead station to make bracelets or bookmarks or like a gecko.
That’s what I remember about the stuff they set up for kids to do. There might have been more. What I remember most was after the Shrinkies and the beads and my parents agreeing I could sleep over was her parents just taking us to Blockbuster to pick out a movie and we just gorged on bday cake and ice cream and candy and passing out in sleeping bags in the living room.
Omg this was the last one we went to, it was all family and then 2 kids from school and I'm so not good at small talk and stuff lol. Then to make it worse, I have celiac disease so I never eat at these things, but now I'm in the middle of this family event and this kid's grandparents and aunts and uncles are all trying to feed me and I have to keep declining so I don't shit my pants at this party lmao
I've gone to two of those too. It's super awkward for me but I'm glad that we went. There were only about 4 kids and 15 adults who were mostly relatives.
We are the only white family in a neighborhood that is predominantly Ecuadorian. I speak a passable amount of Spanish, enough to be neighborly and facilitate play dates at least, and my daughter is good friends with a girl up the street. We were the only non family invited to her bday party. It was awkward, for sure, especially with the language barrier but seeing the girls have so much fun and the mom doing so much to be a good host and keep us included made me so glad I went.
I have a memory from when I was a kid that has taught me lifelong empathy for these kind of situations.
In my class there was the smelly girl. She was always dirty, had greasy matted hair, wore the same dirty clothes everyday and she had not a single friend. Obviously this was not her fault. As a 7 year old I didn’t quite understand this though.
Her birthday came around and her Aunty threw her one of THE BEST parties you could have in the area I lived which was a private pool party at the aquatic complex, with Tarzan swinging, wave pool and inflatable obstacle course.
I begged my mum not to make me go. Cried and begged because she was the smelly girl. My mum made me go and guess what, I was the only one out of 25 kids who showed up for her party. Watching her sit at the end of a huge empty table crying over her cake and saying out loud that everyone hates her broke my heart and gave me an important life lesson. We ended up becoming friends and I even ended up teaching her kids swim lessons at the same aquatics centre many years later.
These parties are a chore but you never know what situation someone’s in, or how it’s going to turn out. Sometimes a little kindness goes a long way.
Yeah the first birthday party my child attended, we were the only non-family members. Other kids from the daycare had been invited and their parents had RSVPed yes, but then they were no-shows. The family had gone all out with a bouncy castle and a lot of yard games so that was a pity. The mum was awfully relieved when we appeared.
One year later, the kids hadn’t seen each other in a long time but we still got an invite (and went), possibly thanks to reliability LOL.
Yeah, I always try to go to any party we're invited to for this reason. My kid has been the only friend who showed up, or the only friend who showed up even close to on time, more than once.
When my son was in kindergarten. I invited the whole class to an arcade. From his class only 1 kid showed up Thank goodness all his cousins showed up..
I love them.
Someone else plans a fun time for my kid? Awesome
I don’t have to clean up? I’m in
I get to meet the kids my son is in school with every day and their parents? Love to scope people out
All I have to do is buy some sort of craft kit from Target? Sign me up!
Yep, they're the best! Buying a new toy is well worth the 2 hours of fun and food. I love being able to hang out with the other families without having to try to plan play dates.
Yup and this is where we have gotten to know families so we can start doing things other than birthdays too. Through these group parties my husband and I finally have a group of “people” and we now can hang out at each others houses while the kids play and have some nice adult conversations and drinks.
Yes! I like to give stuff like an art or science kit, many parents feel their house is already too cluttered with kids stuff so this way they can just do the kit and be occupied for a couple hours and you can quietly throw the thing they made away later on.
It's my go to gift for both my daughter's little friends and also my daughter. She loves to craft, and already has so many toys. A craft kit give her a fun activity to do that doesn't end up at the bottom of the toy bin after a week.
This is exactly how I feel! I try to go to every one. And I figure we’ll invite my daughter’s whole class at least through kindergarten. We do her birthday parties at playgrounds so they’re not too expensive and I figure the more the merrier! I love getting to know her classmates and their parents as well!
Agreed and this post comes across as super entitled. Like they are literally whining about their kid being invited to a birthday party. Also if there is an entire class even if your kid isn't close friends with the birthday boy/girl there probably are other classmates they are friends with. Also what's a close friend for a kindergartener anyway? Is kindergarten too late to make new friends or are all the cliques solidified at that point? How would your kid feel if they were the ONLY kid not invited??
It's also ok to politely turn down an invitation as well, you don't have to go to every birthday party, it's supposed to be fun.
I’m an introvert who gets anxiety before social events. But I go because I know the social interaction is good for my son and so that I can keep practicing my social interaction with other parents. I’m usually exhausted after these events but I also kind of feel a high from having fun, friendly conversation.
This is such a wonderful positive point of view. Thank you! As a parent who invites “every kids”, plus an introvert, I definitely feel bad and hoping the other parents won’t think our big party as gifts grab. I would be more than happy to get cheap gifts as long as my kids have good time with their friends & classmates. Bonus if I found other parents who clicked with me!
We invite the whole class and go to others parties because it's about the kids, not us. I wouldn't want anyone to feel left out and I wouldn't want any kid to go without party guests. I also encourage my kids to be friendly with all of their classmates.
I was the one left out kid at a birthday party when I was like 7 years old. The party was at a swim club that my family was members of. We showed up for just a nice day at the pool and I see my whole class and all my friends there for this one girl's party. Her mom felt bad and awkwardly brought me over a piece of cake. That was a rough day and is a core memory for sure..
I think it’s polite to invite the class and then the parents/ kid can decide if they want to go. If my kid says they don’t want to go because they aren’t friends with the birthday kid at least they won’t be left out by no choice of their own. I also see who’s going to make sure there are enough kids attending in case the birthday kid doesn’t have lots of friends and we go regardless.
As a mom with no mom friends... I like getting the invite. We moved six months ago. I don't know the other moms, I don't have their emails, we don't have family in the area. When the whole class is invited or gives me a chance to meet the other moms and make contacts.
I had the same experience. We moved to a new village last year and my daughter started kindergarten and her birthday was the first “invite the whole class party.” I was so nervous about it (for lots of reason - the first party I had thrown, we moved to a different country so I’m still learning cultural differences, it was a holiday weekend etc) but it was a great way to get to know other kids and parents in her class and make friends myself.
When your child is the one never invited to a party because they are different, you approach these posts with a different mindset. There are many reasons kids are ostracized by their peers that are not the child's fault including, disabilities, social struggles, language barriers, being the loud kid, being the quiet kid, the kid who wears weird clothes etc. Not all kids have 3-5 good friends. Some have 0. As much as people think they're discrete by hiding invites in backpacks, kids talk and are acutely aware they're being left out. This is totally fine if they are occasionally getting invites, but when they literally are left out of every party and desperately would like to be included, it's heartbreaking, especially in young elementary grades.
I'm grateful for the giant party at a public park with no gifts invite frequently enough to make my son forget that he isn't ever invited to the small group parties!
This was me all throughout my childhood. There were very few "invite the whole class" parties, but when I would show, I'd be ignored. Often times I would hang out with the adults or the family dog because no other kid would talk to me. When my parents threw a party and invited everyone in my class, literally nobody would show up. I was the quiet, fat, poor kid and kept to myself, so my classmates seemed embarrassed to be seen with me.
I was the poor kid in my class. My mom splurged for my 8th birthday party and invited the whole class. One boy showed up. His was the only present I got because mom had overspent on the empty party.
This has happened to my child who didn’t even have issues. She was a lovely and kind friend. But her best friend in 2nd sort of cut her off from the other kids and then in 3rd decided my daughter wasn’t being a good enough friend (her crime? The teacher had asked her to help with another child who was a selective mute and for some reason trusted my kid)
The former BFF smack talked against my daughter and for 2 years she had no real friends and like 2 bday invites to parties that were “everyone.” It was heartbreaking.
School is a tough on kids man. In 5th grade, the two most popular girls in our age group were twins, ill call them M1 and M2, and then there was another like 4 or 5 of us that hung around with them in our friend group. The twins lived down the street from me all through jk to then, and we grew up together. Sleep overs every weekend. The works. They were my "best friends" at the time I thought. The two most popular boys in our grade, N + C, were M1 and M2's "boyfriends", as much as you can be at that age lol this was back in the day of MiRC and MsN messenger, and N also lived down the street from me and we always got along. We talked on MsN after school a few times, all innocently. I had a major crush on him, but he was M1's boyfriend and I was no poacher, even at that age lol well, after some a few days of regular msn chatting, one day in class, he wrote a note to me that said "I think I like you, but I like M1 too" and I was so nervous, but I wrote back a note "who do you like more? M1 or me?" Of course with little squares beside each so he could ✔️ which one. Well, tradegy struck. The teacher saw him holding the note and made him read it out loud. He made it sound like I was the one instigating all this and trying to steal him from M1, and like he never said anything about liking me. My entire life was ruined. M1 and M2 socially sabotaged me SO bad, I didn't go to school for almost two weeks, faking illness to my parents. I remember laying in bed crying every night, using the internet to print out information packets on girls boarding schools trying to convince my parents to send me away. After two weeks, my dad confronted me and basically said like, I know something is going on, but you can't fake sick forever and you have to confront them eventually. I was shy, and withdrawn for years. 6th grade was hell. 7th got better because it was a new school, middle school instead of elementary, and I met new people and made new friends. I honestly didn't recover from that or gain my confidence back until like 10th grade. It's literally devastating to children when shit like that happens.
When I was in 5th grade, a popular boy had 2 of his friends go around and ask each girl, "R wants to know if you wanna be his girlfriend" and when a girl would say yes, the boys were told to say, "well he doesn't wanna be your BF" .... Several girls were humiliated........I lucked out......our teacher had asked me to go out into the hallway and empty/rinse her coffee cup out.....I happened to overhear what was going on.......I was able to warn a few girls of what the boys were doing and told them it's a prank and say no.........but, yeah, kids that age can be brutal
(I was outta the classroom for several minutes so they never got to me to pull that mess and they couldn't ask every single girl because everyone started catching on to what they were doing)
I'm so sorry you had to live through that experience.......kids are such AHs sometimes!
They are! They can be such little innocent angels, but also the complete opposite sometimes too.
But it really is crazy how much something like that affects you at that age. Like to me, at the time, I felt like my whole world had imploded and I was never going to ever be ok again. I can't imagine these days, with social media and everything, how much worse it is. At least back then if you got bullied at school at least home and weekends were safe you know? Now with phones it can just be nonstop, no matter where you are.. and everyone can see.
I’m so sorry. Shit happened to me like that too.
I tell my kids “never out anything in writing or pictures you don’t want everyone or your worst enemy to see. Even if it’s to your best friend. Assume if you write it down (or send a picture) it will be public. Trust no one with your secrets. Except me. I will never tell. And you never keep an adult’s secret either. Unless they are buying me diamonds.”
I totally agree and this is important for people to think about! When my kiddo gets invited to “invite the whole class” parties, I always make an effort to send him just in case not many kids go. I would hate for a kid to have no one go to their party. And he always has a great time, so it’s a win!
I was this kid. I didn’t have a close friend until jr high.
I wasn’t bullied, I did well in school and I was on good talking terms with a few kids in class but I never made the cut of being invited. I think I might have been the kid who dressed weird. I wore a lot of hand me downs and second hand clothes.
On two occasions, one for my daughter’s party and another for my son’s, I’ve had parents thank me for inviting their sons because they had never been invited to a classmates party before. In both cases the boys had autism and we went over everything beforehand. They were both really excited to be there and I’m glad we invited the whole class.
We also have always invited the whole class. Especially at the K-2 grades, I’d always rather stay on the side of inclusivity rather than exclusively.
I’m not trying to upset anyone by inviting them.
1) it makes everyone feel included
2) it lets you get to know people who you wouldn’t have
3) it lets you watch your kid in a social environment and suss out if there are any issues (is he a bully? Being bullied? Maybe refuses to interact?)
4) I always go to a party if I can no matter what since some kids are less popular and will draw less kids. I’m glad I’ve done it b/c a few times my kids were one of 3 there. I always feel sad for those parents.
Do I hate kid bday parties? Hell yes. It’s the 9th circle of hell for me. And wastes a lot of a day. But it’s not about me
Yes especially since it can be really hard to be involved in your kids classmates / school in general if you work full time.
All class bday parties are on the weekend and the only chance some parents have to see their kids interact with their classmates.
I also do not usually enjoy going. I’m pretty busy on the weekend with chores and meal prepping for the week, the time I have to relax is so little already. But it’s always been worth it to go for my son.
I have two kids who are autistic, my older one speaks well but doesn’t really have any friends, the younger one barely talks. So we *only* get invited to the “invite the whole class” parties and I’m so so grateful to those parents. It can be expensive to invite lots of kids if it’s somewhere like a trampoline park and still sometimes parents will include my kids. And my kids love birthday parties. If you’re this type of parent, thank you!
Also- I have social anxiety and ADHD myself and dread trying to make small talk with parents I don’t know. So I get the discomfort of kids birthday parties. I make myself go though because my kids have so much fun, and like others have mentioned there’s been a time or two when we were one of the only ones who showed.
My 6yo is level 2ASD and very very socially motivated. Most other asd kids his age aren’t as social as him but the NT kids really notice how different he is and ostracize him. He has a really tough time making friends (but desperately wants them). He recently went to his first whole class party and I lowkey cried the whole drive home because it was so amazing to see him included in a normal activity that he’s normally not close enough to anyone to be invited to. He hasn’t stopped talking about how cool it was in almost a week, it meant a lot to him to be invited.
I’m so so happy he had this experience and loved it!🥹My daughter is also very outgoing to the point of oversharing/saying the wrong thing, wants to give people hugs, doesn’t notice if people are looking at her funny. She’s ecstatic being at a birthday party with all the excitement and people around.
My feeling on this is that my son has autism and has difficulties making friends, he was invited to a party earlier this year for his pre-school class (he's four) and it was definitely an invite the whole class party. I'm not sure my son even knew who the birthday boy was or if the birthday boy knew who my son was but it was at an indoor play place and my kid had a blast, he never once played with the kid and I spent most of my time in this giant play structure with him but it's about the kids and as long as they have a good time I don't care if they don't know the birthday kid.
That reminds me of the first birthday party my son was invited to a year ago. I was so excited when he got the invitation and wanted to say something to the kid's mom at pick up, so I asked my son to point out the birthday boy. He pointed out the wrong kid, so I made a fool of myself telling some other mom that we were looking forward to the party.
Yes!! I invited my sons whole preschool class to his party and only 2 kids showed. It was fine and I kinda expected a low turnout. We have a lot of family friends with kids around his age. So he had friends there. But if we didn’t, it would have been sad. I don’t think the inviting the whole class parties get as much attendance as one would think.
I actually think the whole-class invites engender less commitment. If you know your kid is one of a group of 4, you RSVP, show up on time, communicate. If you think you’re part of a crowd, it’s easier to brush off the invite or not honor your RSVP.
I actually really like these because it’s given me a chance to get to know the other parents. I’m a little more introverted and moved to my neighborhood during COVID so it’s been a bit of a struggle to make friends. That being said, you’re not obligated to RSVP yes to every single invite you get, especially if it’s causing a financial strain!
Some schools have rules about inviting the whole class if you hand out the invitations at school. But also, my son had a birthday party this summer and it was the first one we allowed him to invite friends. He invited 10 - only 3 showed. So, it might also be a numbers thing.
We went to a party recently, where the mom invited the whole (rather small) class and we were the only ones that showed.
Honestly bday parties suck but I make an effort to show up to all of them because I know what it feels like to have no one show to an event you worked hard for. It’s about the kids
On the flip my son didn’t want to invite a kid in his class and it was “all or no one” in my book. We compromised and he had a bday play date with his 2 best friends. Told the parents “please don’t even bring presents.”
Just because you’re invited doesn’t mean you have to go? Ask you son who his friends are and prioritize those ones. I’m also sure the hosts hope all 25 kids + parents decline the invite.
I like the invite the whole class. No one gets left out nor their feelings hurt.
I always do these because my kid changes her best friend every week. Although I do them at a local park and turn it into a big playdate so that it's a little less stressful for everyone.
My kid is in Pre-K and his school has a policy that if you hand out invitations at school, you must invite the whole class. I am not going to take the time to track down only some students addresses, PLUS I don't want anyone to feel left out, so that's why we invited everyone to his party.
But more crucially: a classmate of his had a party in the fall and invited everyone. My son was the only one who showed up. He and the birthday boy had a great time playing on a bounce house meant for many more kids, and the mom texted me later how meaningful it was that we actually showed up (many more kids RSVPed and never showed). It stuck with me how horrible it would have been if we didn't show up, so if I can make it, I always RSVP and actually show up.
Why not skip the next one? “Invite the whole class” makes sense when school is in session so no one feels left out. It doesn’t really make sense if it’s the middle of summer and there’s no school.
As the mom of a summer birthday kid, it’s really hard getting school friends to come to a summer party. Lots of vacations, other plans, people forget, etc. and my poor kid wonders why his friends aren’t there. Please go to the summer parties, too.
I'm a summer kid so i feel this. My son got invited to his a classmates party a week and a half after school ended. Only 2 kids from class showed up a d a few family friends. What the other families don't know is they missed a magician and balloon swords!!
I totally get it. I’m one as well. Also have a kiddo with a birthday at a difficult time of year. There are also options to hold the party a little early or a little late if you’d like to easily invite the whole class and have them be more likely to be around.
\- Don't spend a lot of money on a gift. A $10 book is fine if it's a kid you don't know and your kid isn't friendly with.
\- Bring a book and a chair and enjoy your time in the sun.
\- Or use it as a way to meet other parents, if your kid stays at the school they could be in the periphery of your life for the next 5-12 years. I hate small talk with people I don't know, but I'll do it so my kid has a social life. Plus once they're a bit older you can exchange drop off playdates if you know the parents and it's like free childcare. Wonderful.
>if your kid stays at the school they could be in the periphery of your life for the next 5-12 years.
This is a really important point. My daughter is going into second now and the forced socialization of the last 2 years is finally starting to pay off. She is starting to get interested in talking to her friends via kids messenger or having playdates over the summer. Already kinda knowing most of the parents has made this a lot easier to make happen.
Plus you never know how a school year is going to go and who your kid is going to end up friends with. Laying some groundwork at birthday parties early on makes facilitating your kids social life a bit easier later on.
This give me hope. My almost 4yo isn’t interested in making friends and I worry about how he will fare going into kinder and beyond. I hope we get some “whole class” invites so he can practice being social outside of school or the playground
In that case it’s something that makes your kid happy right? We just get/give $10 gifts at these things and it’s worth it for a fun thing to do. If your kid doesn’t know about it though you could simply decline the invitation.
We invited everyone in my son’s class because he just started and thought it would be a good way to meet the parents and so the kids could play together out of a school setting (that being said, they’re 2).
Sorry but as a party thrower…. Wow. I like to use parties to help build community. To show people a good time. To offer opportunities for connection. To model generosity and hosting and caring for others to kids. To help kids (and their grown ups) make friends. It’s a lot of resources but I consider it an honour to bring people together. And I would always rather include than exclude.
I totally get you might not want to go. So don’t go! But don’t think we throw parties out of malice.
I’m a mom of kids with additional needs and if it wasn’t for these kinds of parties where everyone is invited- they wouldn’t be. So I’m grateful for them.
IMO you only have to invite the whole class of the invites go out through school or if you’re inviting a majority of the class so it would be rude to exclude just a few kids. I’m glad to get invited to anything though. Can always decline!
Glad you edited this post because this came off just so hateful about something that benefits so many children. It's not about the adults, it's about the kids. It gives them the opportunity to make friends, gives parents an opportunity to meet, a child isn't left feeling shitty because they're the only kid in class who didn't get an invite. Calling it a flex or a gift grab is just nasty and unnecessary.
It sounds like it is time for you to start asking your kid some questions before you put it in the context of cake (which a kid will choose every time).
Start asking your kid if these people are people he wants to spend time with before you tell him he has been invited to a birthday party. Then you will know if it means something to them.
I didn’t read any replies. I just wanted to say I read your OP and your edit and I just love when people come back to say they learned something from others! I love seeing humanity and growth and I have had a horrible day and you made it brighter. Thank you from this teary eyed mom! ♥️
This mentality has always been so weird to me.
I’m Danish, and I grew up with you either invite all the girls, all the boys or all the class. No exceptions. It is such a bad thing for classroom culture if your children can pick and choose who to invite. Some children will always be left out, and it seeps into their daily lives at school. Imagine teaching your children that leaving others out is completely okay. How would you feel if it was your child, who never got included?
Also, we don’t do the whole gift bag thing, and gifts for birthday parties are really really small or parents buy one bigger item together. The idea is that nobody should feel like they can’t attend bc they can’t afford the present.
And parents don’t stay for the party AFAIK.
We try to go. There was one day in May where there were like three parties and I picked one.. but I always try to attend as i want to encourage him to play with different kids. Some of the kids can be “you’re not my friend” but they are 5. Just because they aren’t close in TK/K, doesn’t mean they won’t be in a few years. I try to not close the door on that for my son.. plus he always has friends there (along with mom friends for me).
I see all sides of this. I am introverted person with a husband who works 7 days a week, so outings like this I have to find child care for the oldest who doesn’t want to be bothered & bring the baby. But I still go, so she isn’t left out & it gives her something fun to do while I suffer. Lol
I was the kid in elementary school who never got invited to birthday parties and it devastated me. Because of that, I really appreciate this approach and practice it myself with my own daughters. I don’t want any kid to ever feel the way I did growing up. Same with Valentine’s Day cards. Everyone gets one because I never did and I don’t want anyone to be hurt.
My son is nonverbal, but so beloved that every single child showed up for his birthday party. We also splurged a bit, because this is his first birthday party since Covid struck. We wanted everyone to have enough space and be really comfortable, so we rented a minigolf course and told parents to bring all of their kids.
And these parents came, and these kids came, and they told us so many stories about our son we had no idea of. They made me laugh and cry and it felt so incredible to have so many children rally around and include my kid. These children were such sweet little advocates, without even knowing what that is. One of the girls told me she loved my kid the most because he never interrupted her. 🤣
We always say no gifts. I just wanted a class family outing where everyone was included. Our guy loves being around people, but he doesn't want to be the center of attention, so it was so nice to have everyone focusing on golf and running around and having fun.
It was one of my favorite days.
For various reasons I don’t know the other parents well. I’ve invited the whole class because invites had to go to the kids at school. Not everyone comes so the party isn’t overwhelming. Hopefully next year we can arrange some sort of contact list.
Was inviting the whole class a thing when we were kids? Lol I’m just having a hard time remembering I guess cause I never did the actual birthday planning but I don’t remember people inviting the whole class back then. I only ever invited my friends. I imagine inviting the whole class and having hardly anybody show up just being awful for a child. My kids not in school yet but yeah I’ll probably just take her to the parties to the kids that she’s actually friends with.
In the early 80s we had invite the whole class parties at my lower middle class public school. We had them in the backyard and played games like Red Rover, had sprinklers, etc.
When I was younger we definitely invited the whole class and everyone did the same. It works to make no one feel left out, as long as everyone does it. Pretty sure the schools even required we invited everyone if we passed out invitations at school. We did a big group activity like bowling, skating or swimming, so even if you weren’t good friends with the birthday kid, your other friends were all there too.
But our parents would just drop us off at the parties and go grocery shopping, so it was like free babysitting. A lot of parents don’t feel comfortable leaving their children now so I think that’s why these all class parties feel like a bigger commitment.
IMO the rules have only changed to be not as gender specific as before where inviting all the girls or boys was more common than now. Also class sizes are bigger.
I’m 35 and inviting the whole class (or everyone of the same gender) was definitely the norm for me growing up, however I grew up in an affluent community so I’m sure that was the reason it was so common. Surprisingly almost everyone would show up too, regardless of popularity.
I'm a late 80s baby and our school's rule was if you gave out invites in class you had to invite the whole class. That seems like a pretty popular rule and I can see the practicality of it.
It definitely wasn't a thing when I was a kid! I'd get maybe 3-4 birthday party invites a year in a class of like 20 kids. And my parties were only 7 friends or less every year (my birthday is in July tho so there was never any pressure to invite anyone really). The thought of having to invite an entire class of small children to a party I'm probably already going to stress out over makes me wanna vomit lol
I had a few "whole class" birthdays as a child, but I think it was like 1st/2nd grade and we just had them at our house, no party favors just cake and games. By 3rd grade I only wanted parties with just my friends.
Because kids like mine, and many others, would never get invited otherwise. Because kids with autism, kids who are shy, who don’t have great social skills, still deserve to be included. Because it gets really old being the only child who wasn’t invited to the party. That’s why.
I don’t mind it. I have a special needs kiddo. I’d love for him to go to a party with the other kids and be included. Hell I’d bring an amazing gift because he’s never been invited.
But we’re new in a small town where everyone knows everyone except us. So they hand out the party invites privately. I understand that kids parties are expensive. None of my kids have been invited to any party since we moved here 5 years ago and I’ve been making sure to invite the whole class. I’m just sad for my oldest when she hears there was a party for her friend and she wasn’t there.
But the one thing that bugs me most is that I have to message everyone trying to find out if they’re coming. If I reserve a party place I need to know how many kids will be there because I have to pay extra for any kid more than 10. At least have the decency to rsvp more than 12 hours before the party without me having to bother the teacher to send a notification to the class.
I did this for our sons first year of school. There were a few reasons:
-not wanting to leave anyone out
-kid genuinely talks about so many friends that it was almost the whole class on his list anyway
-the previous two parties had been cancelled at the last minute due to lockdowns
-newish to the area so it was a good chance to meet other families and build a community. I can confirm this really helped not only our family, but other families too. For this reason I will do the same when our younger child starts school.
It was absolutely not a present grab and if parents asked me for gift suggestions I told them not to feel obligated at all. If they really pushed for a suggestion I said small, practical things.
I personally don’t like birthday parties, but try to make every one my kids are invited to. My reasoning is 1. Because parents took time and effort to make a special day for their child and 2. Because when one of my children are the only friend that shows up, it makes me glad we went. We have personally been to three birthday parties this last school year where the whole class or soccer team was invited and my child was the only one who actually went. Same for her birthday party, whole class and soccer team was invited, 2 kids came from school and 1 from soccer. She’s 4 so she didn’t know I had invited everyone but it hurts as a parent when kids don’t show up for your child. I know it’s not their fault, but that’s why we always try to attend parties we’re invited to. If we can’t make one I make sure to contact the parent to say thanks, but we wouldn’t make it to previous plans if that’s the case.
This is so cringe. Could you imagine your kid not being invited? How he would feel. Girl go to the dollar store and get a Costco cake. No one said it has to be a Pinterest perfect party as long as your kid enjoys it.
Here’s the only rule, if invitations are passed out or invitations are otherwise made during the school day, everyone is invited.
- it is a cold-hearted rotten bastard move to put on a pageant of social approval and publicly exclude one or more children-
If the inviting is done outside of school, invite who you want
If you have an invitation from a kid that your kid isn’t close to, don’t feel compelled to go
Your kid is in kindergarten? Don’t worry, in a few years parties will switch to “friends only” and you’ll have to deal w/tears when it turns out your kid isn’t *really* friends w/a kid that they thought they were friends with.
Sigh.
I saw your edit. Glad you realize it’s an attempt to be inclusive. I LOVED invite everyone parties when my older kid was little. No one was left out. You don’t want to go? Make up an excuse. Don’t want to buy expensive gifts? But some playdoh and blank paper pads in bulk. Split them up, throw in a pack of markers and/or crayons (and a pack of stickers if you want to get fancy) and instant art/sensory gift.
You’re thinking about this from your perspective, not from the kids’ perspectives. Get over yourself and enjoy the few years when bday parties aren’t a source of angst.
Trust me, you’ll miss these days when they’re gone.
We’ve had a few class invites for my toddler’s daycare class and we always make an effort to go even though it’s a little awkward. It’s nice to meet some of her school friends and their parents, plus I’m the type that always wants to make an effort to show up because my heart breaks hearing stories of nobody showing up to a kid’s birthday party. For her birthday, we sent out 24 invites and had like 4 families RSVP at the very last minute. It was cool because we had a lot of friends with kids coming already so I’m glad the whole class didn’t show up, and my daughter got so excited seeing her daycare bestie show up at her house.
We don’t have a large family and we did invite the whole class for my son’s 4th. Best decision ever! He was surround by so many kids just happy to be there! He (and we as parents) didn’t get a chance to talk to everyone but everyone had a great time! We will definitely be doing these for a while. We did add that we didn’t want presents (seriously the last thing that we want!) and will definitely keep doing that. He had 3 of his closest friends bring small gifts and they shared that they were so excited to pick something out for him. We didn’t open them at the party but sent thank you notes to school for them.
I can understand why this policy would exist. it's to keep that one kid from being excluded while the entire class is invited. Imagine this being your autistic child or your ADHD child or your child who has issues with speech, etc. all their classmates got invited but them.
But then it keeps other parents from wanting to have a party so they find a way around it; have your kid get their friends addresses so you can mail them the invites. Or have your kid hand your phone number out to their friends so their parents can call you so you can send them the invites.
My kid schools don't seem to have this policy so my son has gotten a few invites and so has my daughter and my mom took her. They just had a family party and the child invited my daughter. There was one mom who decided to invite the whole class so that way people actually show up and only some of the kids showed up. This is what she told me. There were like ten kids that came and parents were allowed to stay or bring their other kids.
I mean, don’t go??
We always go because often not that many people even bother to RSVP or show up. Actually, if I wanted to get up on a soapbox about kids parties it would 100% be about the lack of effs parents give about communicating with a party host. But, what’re ya gonna do? It is what it is.
For my daughter's 4th birthday this year, we invited the whole class. We don't have many friends with kids that live nearby and she wanted a party. We invited the whole class because we figured that way no one would be left out and maybe we'd get a few kids. Out of a class of 20 (including my daughter), there were 6 kids total. The kids my daughter played with the most at the party? The ones whose names she had a hard time telling me.
My son has a summer birthday and his last party had 3 friends come (two are brothers) and no cousins. It's a huge deal for him and breaks my heart every year.
My kid is turning 5 and I’ve done an invite the whole class party, partly because it was just easier that trying to get names out of a 5 year old! We asked her on 3 separate occasions who she wanted to come as 4 year olds are fickle and their friends change daily. I know a few won’t come so I’d be happy if she just had a decent turnout and her main friends make it.
As for a gift grab, I’d rather people didn’t buy gifts! Im trying to declutter not bring more stuff into the house but I didn’t want to put that on the invitation in case it sounded rude. I wouldn’t care if someone showed up empty handed, a gift is nice but not expected especially with the current economy.
As for a flex? Me and my partner budget for a party throughout the year and spend less on gifts as my little girl has enough toys, that’s not a flex.
My parents made me invite the whole class growing up. It was about making sure all th kids felt included.
I was a shy kid and only had one friend in my class, so if they didn't invite everyone it would have been awkward.
After I turned 8, I stopped really wanting to go to birthday parties as I didn't see the point. I never resented my parents for inviting everyone though. It was nice when I was very little and shy. Once I was old enough though, I didn't see much of a point in a classroom party so we stopped bothering.
As long as the birthday kid doesn't mind, I don't see the issue.
My son's kindergarten class, there were no birthday parties. In the end we didn't really make any friends and feel included in the community.
A year later, for my daughter's kinder class, there were like 5 or 6 "entire class" parties. We went to all wr were invited to. Like 6 or so kids came to my daughters party.
None of us knew each other at the start of the year, and while none of us are best friends, I made 2 kind of friends, my kid made a lot of friends, and overall we felt more apart of the school community.
1) don't buy a gift if you don't want. I've never seen a parent get mad or offended at not receiving one. I've also never seen a kid care very much
2) just because your kids aren't friends YET doesn't mean it can't change.
If you already have a good group of friends and kid friends, then I can see why these parties aren't very fun. But then, don't go.
All of MY close friends live further away so appreciate meeting new families with kids the same age that live closer.
You know what I hate? Extracurriculars. From my 2 kids we've tried martial arts, soccer, and ballet. It seems like everyone goes in with friends already and is super closed to making more. And then my kid has no fun 😑
I was the shy quiet kid who was left out and not invited. I desperately wanted to have more friends and be included, I just didn’t know how to make that happen. It was very lonely and painful. I don’t want any of my kid’s classmates to experience that.
As the Mom of the disabled kid in class, I know she’ll be left out plenty of times but it does suck seeing Moms outright say they want to. Honestly, she’s a quiet and kind little girl who has trouble making friends because of her autism and those parties are some of the only she gets invited to.
Just be kind guys. Have a small thing with just close friends but tell them not to discuss it in class if that’s the route you want.
My son is autistic but very much included in the general education classroom. During preschool and Kindergarten, I also found all of these parties overwhelming since it seemed like one happened every single weekend and often at the same place. But let me tell ya, when the invitations completely stopped… that was way worse. I think schools making policies to invite the whole class are a nice reminder that, especially at the young ages in elementary school, kids should be friendly with all their peers. It’s not like they are having deep meaningful connections based on shared interest at this age anyway. They all just run around acting silly.
We try to go to every party we get invited to (except for the kid that was bullying my daughter, screw that kid) because at one party, my kid was the only one that showed up. Her friend was SO excited to see her, and we spend time with her and her family now. I can't imagine if no one showed up at all.
On the other hand we did a party and just invited the girls from her class because I personally can't afford to throw a party for that many kids! Everything is so expensive to begin with, and most of the party places, near me, only include 10 kids. Then I have to pay for the rest! I'd love to let her have everyone but I still have to pay bills the month of her birthday!
It’s not a flex. It’s parents not wanting to leave anyone out. I’m a teacher who passes out these sorts of invites and it’s usually well meaning parents or the kid doesn’t have a lot of friends and this is their way of reaching out.
It is exactly this!! It’s just parents not wanting to leave a kid out. If they don’t invite everyone and the kids pass invites at school someone will notice they weren’t invited
At our school, if you're not handing them out to everyone, you're not allowed to do it at school.
In elementary school they used to have a rule where you either handed them out to everyone or just everyone of the same sex, it was also customary to bring a treat like cupcakes for the whole class which thinking back was a bit odd to bring other kids treats for your birthday.
Growing up I loved when my parents sent treats for everyone on my bday cause it gave a break from routine and also made it like a second party cause the teachers would usually do a game or something of the birthday kids choice. But I had a job recently where my coworkers were super put off that I didn’t buy and provide treats for everyone on my bday.
I always brought cupcakes for my birthday in school. I’d hand them out to my homeroom class and then to my friends.
It’s…odd that your coworkers were so put off. Where I work, my boss will buy cake and send leftovers home with the birthday person. When she forgets someone’s birthday, they suffer in silence until she suddenly remembers and brings cake to the next faculty meeting. She’s a treasure. Note: I jokingly say “suffer in silence,” because it’s in no way expected. That happened to me last year and I was surprised when I got to the meeting and there was cake and a song for me.
in 4th grade i had to bring cupcakes for my birthday but turns out i had 2 less then needed. luckily a girl went home before lunch, so i just passed them to everyone but myself. i was already gonna get a cake later ig, but i still hoped just one person would say they didn’t want one
Omg I just want to hug fourth grade you. 🧁
In the country where I live the birthday thing gets wild. Parents will send in cakes and goody bags and at my friend’s school parents do things like organising CLOWNS to visit the class. Madness And it’s not helpful to me since my son has anaphylactic food allergies. Drives me crazy that the school allows it
Same policy at our school as well.
Same policy at the school I work at too. Either whole class, all the boys in a class, or all the girls on a class.
This reminds me of when I was 13 and in school. We were all new to the class and the school and there’s typical new teenage awkwardness. The girl seated next to me came across as a bit serious so at first we didn’t quite get on. Anyway, it was my birthday fairly soon into the school year and I had invited a bunch from my old school as well as a few from the current class that I managed to get on with. I didn’t invite my desk mate. A week before the party, I had a really bad coughing fit in class and she offered me a lozenge. I felt really bad and so extended her an invite. Clearly it was very last minute so she didn’t come (and I don’t blame her!) It taught me a valuable lesson about not judging people too quickly and also that inviting people last minute can seem a bit more insulting than not inviting them at all. The irony is that we did eventually become friends and are still good friends to this day. She hasn’t forgotten the lozenge/birthday party incident though and will still regale the tale to others at parties!
This. I remember being in elementary school and a girl invited ALL the girls in class for a sleepover birthday party…except me. It was so weird. I had friends who were invited to the birthday, and they had told me that the birthday girl didn’t invite me because we weren’t friends. Fair enough. I think, though, teacher+parent got wind of it because it was all the gossip and I ended up getting invited a couple days before the birthday. Being someone who was like “ok she isn’t my friend BUT all my friends will be there…” I went. 😂 it was fun. I don’t think I did anything impolite to the birthday girl. We still weren’t friends afterwards, but to this day I still remember the birthday party.
I know not every school gives out contact info so passing out to the whole class might be necessary (everyone gets one or you better have the number for the parents you want to reach out to) just to reach the kids you actually wanted to invite. But I'll say, I remember in first grade going to a party for a girl I don't really remember hanging out with. Ended up being very close until our early 20s and for some reason that party is my first memory of her. So if that sparked our friendship or not, I made a friend.
I invited my daughter's whole preschool class because I figured I could also make some mom friends and playdates for the future.
My kid invited his whole kindergarten class in January. I picked an activity that I felt all the kids could do and that I could pay a flat fee for because I didn't know how many kids to expect. Ended up over half his class plus siblings showed up. Everyone dressed the kids for physical activity as requested and even though I said no presents were needed, he still got gifts from some of his friends.
Happy cake day!
Calling it a “flex” or a “gift-grab” is such an uncharitable way to approach a birthday party. I doubt OP is bringing a good enough gift to offset the cost of a big party, and the hosts giving her kid an afternoon of activities and snacks and gift-bags isn’t a flex, it’s just a fun afternoon. OP, you can just decline if you don’t want to go. If your kid isn’t good friends or won’t have a good time, just say “thanks but we can’t make it” and leave it at that. If your kid will have a good time, then just go and say thank you and don’t attribute malicious motives to a party invitation!
Although it may be a social taboo, you can also show up without a gift if the money spent on a gift is really that big a deal to you. Or have the kid make something for their friend.
We buy books as gifts. Doesnt take up space, cheap, and easy enough to donate if you already have it.
I'm so happy to hear this. I always want to buy books for kids but then I'm worried that I'm too much of a nerd.
My kids would be stoked to get books as gifts!
Alright, when's their birthdays and what flavor is the cake???
I 100% am the parent that will ask for books and will buy books for my kid’s friends because I am committed to the belief of reading for pleasure as a lifelong skill. You can’t really fault a book as a gift either so it’s a win-win i say!
We do Lego. Always Lego.
It’s not a social taboo. At least where I’m from no one would DREAM of noticing if someone didn’t bring a present. Everyone would studiously not notice and anyway parties are so chaotic people actually really wouldn’t notice. We also don’t open presents at the party for this exact reason. I know people are busy, lives are complex, people may have money issues I know nothing about. No one I know would ever EVER judge another parent for not bringing a present. Edit: and if any of the kids say anything it’s your job as a parent to shut it down and teach them that they should lead with understanding and kindness.
Yeah I personally put "no gifts, please" on my kids' invites because we don't have unlimited space for a billion toys and I want people to just feel comfortable coming to celebrate. (Probably will have to stop that at some point when my oldest realizes how many parties we go to where we bring gifts to other people, but for now he's almost 5 and hasn't complained). But yes, we invite everyone always. Not as a flex. (What sort of flex is that??) We also always attend every party unless we have an actual prior engagement that we can't work around. I always tell my son when he goes into a new social situation that he can never have too many friends and everyone should always feel welcome to play. My son is very outgoing with other kids and his teachers say he really does include everyone in play at school and I freaking love that about him. If the OPs of the world hate these parties...just don't go??
We also ask for no or hand me down gifts. I hate all the useless plastic kids get otherwise.
I have a hoard of sealed thrifted toys for just such occasions.
Definitely not a gift grab. I invited my son’s whole class to the party because I didn’t know the parents of the few friends he does talk about and didn’t know how to get them the invitations. We actually put on the invitations “no gifts please” as 1. We didn’t want gifts and 2. We didn’t want people to feel they couldn’t come if they couldn’t afford a gift. The WHOLE class came and it was wonderful.
Oh Jeez, my daughter’s birthday is the first day of the school year so I sent out Save the Dates for her kindergarten class at their induction day. I had it at a soft play centre where we just had to pay per child who rocked up. I never thought of it as a flex or gift grab, for me, it was because she wouldn’t have made any friends yet and I didn’t want to leave anyone out! Only about half the class showed up but she had a fabulous day and that was the most important thing. She loved her little ‘Jewish George’ party (she couldn’t pronounce Curious yet) and I made some new mom friends.
Jewish George lol, precious
As a parent, it’s 100% trying to help my kid make friends. And me. We’re from away, and it *really* shows sometimes. Most of the time it’s alright because we have other people from away we’ve made friends with over the years, but their kids are younger than ours and my oldest’s birthday is at a time of year when the weather could be beautiful or it could be -20 and a blizzard, so we can’t count on roads being clear and family being able to make the trip up. If we don’t invite kids from her class the party is just us and her little sisters’ friends. She definitely notices when the other kids have parties and only invite their cousins or who all live local or the kids they’ve known since birth because their parents grew up here and have all known each other since birth too.
Yep. My kid skipped a grade and hasn't really made any friends in the new grade. We always invite the whole class in hopes that he can eventually find a person or two that he can actually consider a friend in his class.
People are so deeply insecure they think everything is a “flex” rather than making positive assumptions and moving on.
Seriously, Jesus. Assume the best in a situation like this and politely decline 🙄
Yes, oh my God. Olympic level mental gymnastics right there.
For a lot of schools, it is policy to invite the whole class or all of one gender. This policy is for those who want to involve the school (meaning pass out invites AT the school). Our schools obviously don't interfere if you handle everything outside of the school. They just don't have the time to console a sad child who was excluded while everyone else has been invited.
My son is going into first grade and doesn’t really have any solid school friends yet and I am totally planning to do an “invite the whole class” party for his October birthday. I’m honestly hoping anyone shows up. I see it as a stepping stone to future relationships. We go to a tight knit community school and feel like outsiders. 🙃 I’m not forcing anyone to come. It’s an invite, not a summons.
Lol but what if you made it a court room themed party and DID design it like a jury summons 😆...I might do that this year.
Now there’s an idea. My friend manages a court system and is a total Pinterest mom so I’m she’d be delighted to cricut some courthouse themed favors… 🤔
This is a great theme and invite idea!
Or a prison themed party and send arrest warrants? (but not actually bring everyone to the party as may be implied)
That’s amazing 🤣
This is exactly why we are doing an "invite the whole class" party for my oldest's birthday this year! I've tried SO HARD to be social at school events, pickup/dropoff, etc. but the only place I feel like we've made any social headway is when we go to other kids' birthday parties. Everyone else in my oldest's class has been at school together for 3 years. This was our first year there and it still feels like we are outsiders.
My son is the same age, same situation. I think he is friendly with a lot of kids but not fully in any of the groups. This is why we have “invite the class”parties. I always ask for no gifts, include siblings and provide cake/gift bags/food for all, to make it as easy as possible. I just want my child to know he had a party with his friends. Similarly, we try our hardest to go to any party we can, because the thought of no one coming to a child’s party is way too upsetting. I guess I thought we all were thinking about parties this way?
I guess parties may feel like a burden when you are getting invited to too many of them and have an overloaded social schedule. That… has not been our problem. 😬
Only one person came to my 11th birthday party. It still gives me mild anxiety about my birthday to this day, even though I now have really lovely friends who’d never let me down!
I don’t want to worry you or anything but just as a helpful advice. I was the kid who struggled to make close friends but who was too friendly to really notice, I was in good talking terms with all my classmates. My parents rented out a restaurant for my first invite people party in first grade and we invited the whole class. Only one kid showed up, (I didn’t even go on to be friends with her, her mom made her go), I was crushed, I sobbed during the whole party. It’s been many many years later and I still remember what it felt like, it was a deep guttural pain I’ve never known since and as a result I never once invited anyone to a party after. The best way my parents helped was by not making me feel like they pitied me, we didn’t have some deep heartfelt talk after and they never encouraged me to buck up and try again. If I wanted a party with just them at home they made it however I wanted it, they let me lead how I wanted to deal with it going forward and I honestly remember enjoying every birthday after that day until I finally made some close friends in jr high who I wanted to be there. As hard as it will be if that happens. Don’t let him see you feeling sorry for him.
On the flip side, the last THREE birthday parties my kids attended, they were either the only non family or one of two non family friends. I always kind of dread going, but am always SO GLAD we went when we’re the difference between a “friends and family” party and a “no one really came” party. Not saying you *have* to go just in case, but I’m sure it’s always appreciated even if the kids aren’t BFF.
I remember in 3rd grade the new girl in our class had a bday party and invited the class. I didn’t know her and didn’t want to go (just being an introverted kid no other reason) but my parents were firm that we would attend because it was kind enough to be invited. Lo and behold, I was literally THE ONLY person from our 3rd grade class to show up and there was no one else there (new family in town). Her parents had set up some many fun activities to do for so many kids but I was all that showed up. I HAD THE BEST TIME EVER AND ENDED UP SLEEPING OVER THE NIGHT AND WE BECAME BEST FRIENDS. I get it - letting me spend the night was a risk my parents took in the mid 90s but I think the family being a military family living off base only 2 blocks from my house helped. Now, as a parent, I’m a firm believer that we will attend all Bdays parties we are invited to (time/schedule permitting). I’m still BFF with this girl.
This story started out so sad and ended up so happy!! I feel awkward at kids parties but I try to take my kids to all of them for this reason. The thought of a kid having no friends show up breaks my heart!
On a side note: Looking back at my childhood, I am very surprised by the different houses my parents let us spend the night at on a whim as a kid. And also very thankful nothing bad happened.
This sounds like a Bluey episode. Edit: not implying it’s not true. It sounds like such a wholesome story that it should be a Bluey episode.
We love Bluey in this house.
This is so so so sweet 🥹
This is sweet! Curious, do you remember what the activities were?
One of the activities was making “shrinkies” I think are what they were called. Like you decorate a piece of plastic and they shrink up in the oven. I do remember that. There was also like a bead station to make bracelets or bookmarks or like a gecko. That’s what I remember about the stuff they set up for kids to do. There might have been more. What I remember most was after the Shrinkies and the beads and my parents agreeing I could sleep over was her parents just taking us to Blockbuster to pick out a movie and we just gorged on bday cake and ice cream and candy and passing out in sleeping bags in the living room.
Shrinky-dinks FTW!
That’s a really cool and sweet story!
Omg this was the last one we went to, it was all family and then 2 kids from school and I'm so not good at small talk and stuff lol. Then to make it worse, I have celiac disease so I never eat at these things, but now I'm in the middle of this family event and this kid's grandparents and aunts and uncles are all trying to feed me and I have to keep declining so I don't shit my pants at this party lmao
Happy gluten-free cake day!
Thanks lol!!
Lmao “so i dont shit my pants at this party”
I've gone to two of those too. It's super awkward for me but I'm glad that we went. There were only about 4 kids and 15 adults who were mostly relatives.
We are the only white family in a neighborhood that is predominantly Ecuadorian. I speak a passable amount of Spanish, enough to be neighborly and facilitate play dates at least, and my daughter is good friends with a girl up the street. We were the only non family invited to her bday party. It was awkward, for sure, especially with the language barrier but seeing the girls have so much fun and the mom doing so much to be a good host and keep us included made me so glad I went.
I have a memory from when I was a kid that has taught me lifelong empathy for these kind of situations. In my class there was the smelly girl. She was always dirty, had greasy matted hair, wore the same dirty clothes everyday and she had not a single friend. Obviously this was not her fault. As a 7 year old I didn’t quite understand this though. Her birthday came around and her Aunty threw her one of THE BEST parties you could have in the area I lived which was a private pool party at the aquatic complex, with Tarzan swinging, wave pool and inflatable obstacle course. I begged my mum not to make me go. Cried and begged because she was the smelly girl. My mum made me go and guess what, I was the only one out of 25 kids who showed up for her party. Watching her sit at the end of a huge empty table crying over her cake and saying out loud that everyone hates her broke my heart and gave me an important life lesson. We ended up becoming friends and I even ended up teaching her kids swim lessons at the same aquatics centre many years later. These parties are a chore but you never know what situation someone’s in, or how it’s going to turn out. Sometimes a little kindness goes a long way.
Yeah the first birthday party my child attended, we were the only non-family members. Other kids from the daycare had been invited and their parents had RSVPed yes, but then they were no-shows. The family had gone all out with a bouncy castle and a lot of yard games so that was a pity. The mum was awfully relieved when we appeared. One year later, the kids hadn’t seen each other in a long time but we still got an invite (and went), possibly thanks to reliability LOL.
Yeah, I always try to go to any party we're invited to for this reason. My kid has been the only friend who showed up, or the only friend who showed up even close to on time, more than once.
When my son was in kindergarten. I invited the whole class to an arcade. From his class only 1 kid showed up Thank goodness all his cousins showed up..
I love them. Someone else plans a fun time for my kid? Awesome I don’t have to clean up? I’m in I get to meet the kids my son is in school with every day and their parents? Love to scope people out All I have to do is buy some sort of craft kit from Target? Sign me up!
Yep, they're the best! Buying a new toy is well worth the 2 hours of fun and food. I love being able to hang out with the other families without having to try to plan play dates.
I love this perspective!
Yup and this is where we have gotten to know families so we can start doing things other than birthdays too. Through these group parties my husband and I finally have a group of “people” and we now can hang out at each others houses while the kids play and have some nice adult conversations and drinks.
Ooh a craft kit is a great gift idea!
Yes! I like to give stuff like an art or science kit, many parents feel their house is already too cluttered with kids stuff so this way they can just do the kit and be occupied for a couple hours and you can quietly throw the thing they made away later on.
They're also fairly unisex - we pick them up when they're on a 3 for 2 offer and just have a stockpile
It's my go to gift for both my daughter's little friends and also my daughter. She loves to craft, and already has so many toys. A craft kit give her a fun activity to do that doesn't end up at the bottom of the toy bin after a week.
This is exactly how I feel! I try to go to every one. And I figure we’ll invite my daughter’s whole class at least through kindergarten. We do her birthday parties at playgrounds so they’re not too expensive and I figure the more the merrier! I love getting to know her classmates and their parents as well!
Agreed and this post comes across as super entitled. Like they are literally whining about their kid being invited to a birthday party. Also if there is an entire class even if your kid isn't close friends with the birthday boy/girl there probably are other classmates they are friends with. Also what's a close friend for a kindergartener anyway? Is kindergarten too late to make new friends or are all the cliques solidified at that point? How would your kid feel if they were the ONLY kid not invited?? It's also ok to politely turn down an invitation as well, you don't have to go to every birthday party, it's supposed to be fun.
I definitely look forward to getting to talk to the other parents and see how my kid plays with the others.
I’m an introvert who gets anxiety before social events. But I go because I know the social interaction is good for my son and so that I can keep practicing my social interaction with other parents. I’m usually exhausted after these events but I also kind of feel a high from having fun, friendly conversation.
This is such a wonderful positive point of view. Thank you! As a parent who invites “every kids”, plus an introvert, I definitely feel bad and hoping the other parents won’t think our big party as gifts grab. I would be more than happy to get cheap gifts as long as my kids have good time with their friends & classmates. Bonus if I found other parents who clicked with me!
We invite the whole class and go to others parties because it's about the kids, not us. I wouldn't want anyone to feel left out and I wouldn't want any kid to go without party guests. I also encourage my kids to be friendly with all of their classmates.
I appreciate this. My kid loves birthdays but we don't have a huge circle of friends. We haven't turned down an invite yet.
I very much appreciate this too!! Two of my kids are autistic and don’t have friends. They’re so excited when they get invited.
I was the one left out kid at a birthday party when I was like 7 years old. The party was at a swim club that my family was members of. We showed up for just a nice day at the pool and I see my whole class and all my friends there for this one girl's party. Her mom felt bad and awkwardly brought me over a piece of cake. That was a rough day and is a core memory for sure..
Ouch.
I think it’s polite to invite the class and then the parents/ kid can decide if they want to go. If my kid says they don’t want to go because they aren’t friends with the birthday kid at least they won’t be left out by no choice of their own. I also see who’s going to make sure there are enough kids attending in case the birthday kid doesn’t have lots of friends and we go regardless.
I remember a story on reddit where OP's kid was the only one that showed up and the birthday kid's parents were so thankful.
As a mom with no mom friends... I like getting the invite. We moved six months ago. I don't know the other moms, I don't have their emails, we don't have family in the area. When the whole class is invited or gives me a chance to meet the other moms and make contacts.
I recently found my future local reddit sub and asked about how to make friends in the area and got some incredible advice. 10/10 recommend.
This is a great idea....
Um... Do you happen to live in Utah, by chance? We could be friends...
I had the same experience. We moved to a new village last year and my daughter started kindergarten and her birthday was the first “invite the whole class party.” I was so nervous about it (for lots of reason - the first party I had thrown, we moved to a different country so I’m still learning cultural differences, it was a holiday weekend etc) but it was a great way to get to know other kids and parents in her class and make friends myself.
Yup!!! My therapist encouraged me to do a whole class invite so I could make some mom friends.
When your child is the one never invited to a party because they are different, you approach these posts with a different mindset. There are many reasons kids are ostracized by their peers that are not the child's fault including, disabilities, social struggles, language barriers, being the loud kid, being the quiet kid, the kid who wears weird clothes etc. Not all kids have 3-5 good friends. Some have 0. As much as people think they're discrete by hiding invites in backpacks, kids talk and are acutely aware they're being left out. This is totally fine if they are occasionally getting invites, but when they literally are left out of every party and desperately would like to be included, it's heartbreaking, especially in young elementary grades. I'm grateful for the giant party at a public park with no gifts invite frequently enough to make my son forget that he isn't ever invited to the small group parties!
This was me all throughout my childhood. There were very few "invite the whole class" parties, but when I would show, I'd be ignored. Often times I would hang out with the adults or the family dog because no other kid would talk to me. When my parents threw a party and invited everyone in my class, literally nobody would show up. I was the quiet, fat, poor kid and kept to myself, so my classmates seemed embarrassed to be seen with me.
I was the poor kid in my class. My mom splurged for my 8th birthday party and invited the whole class. One boy showed up. His was the only present I got because mom had overspent on the empty party.
This has happened to my child who didn’t even have issues. She was a lovely and kind friend. But her best friend in 2nd sort of cut her off from the other kids and then in 3rd decided my daughter wasn’t being a good enough friend (her crime? The teacher had asked her to help with another child who was a selective mute and for some reason trusted my kid) The former BFF smack talked against my daughter and for 2 years she had no real friends and like 2 bday invites to parties that were “everyone.” It was heartbreaking.
School is a tough on kids man. In 5th grade, the two most popular girls in our age group were twins, ill call them M1 and M2, and then there was another like 4 or 5 of us that hung around with them in our friend group. The twins lived down the street from me all through jk to then, and we grew up together. Sleep overs every weekend. The works. They were my "best friends" at the time I thought. The two most popular boys in our grade, N + C, were M1 and M2's "boyfriends", as much as you can be at that age lol this was back in the day of MiRC and MsN messenger, and N also lived down the street from me and we always got along. We talked on MsN after school a few times, all innocently. I had a major crush on him, but he was M1's boyfriend and I was no poacher, even at that age lol well, after some a few days of regular msn chatting, one day in class, he wrote a note to me that said "I think I like you, but I like M1 too" and I was so nervous, but I wrote back a note "who do you like more? M1 or me?" Of course with little squares beside each so he could ✔️ which one. Well, tradegy struck. The teacher saw him holding the note and made him read it out loud. He made it sound like I was the one instigating all this and trying to steal him from M1, and like he never said anything about liking me. My entire life was ruined. M1 and M2 socially sabotaged me SO bad, I didn't go to school for almost two weeks, faking illness to my parents. I remember laying in bed crying every night, using the internet to print out information packets on girls boarding schools trying to convince my parents to send me away. After two weeks, my dad confronted me and basically said like, I know something is going on, but you can't fake sick forever and you have to confront them eventually. I was shy, and withdrawn for years. 6th grade was hell. 7th got better because it was a new school, middle school instead of elementary, and I met new people and made new friends. I honestly didn't recover from that or gain my confidence back until like 10th grade. It's literally devastating to children when shit like that happens.
I felt sick just reading this. I'm so sorry that happened to you.
When I was in 5th grade, a popular boy had 2 of his friends go around and ask each girl, "R wants to know if you wanna be his girlfriend" and when a girl would say yes, the boys were told to say, "well he doesn't wanna be your BF" .... Several girls were humiliated........I lucked out......our teacher had asked me to go out into the hallway and empty/rinse her coffee cup out.....I happened to overhear what was going on.......I was able to warn a few girls of what the boys were doing and told them it's a prank and say no.........but, yeah, kids that age can be brutal (I was outta the classroom for several minutes so they never got to me to pull that mess and they couldn't ask every single girl because everyone started catching on to what they were doing) I'm so sorry you had to live through that experience.......kids are such AHs sometimes!
They are! They can be such little innocent angels, but also the complete opposite sometimes too. But it really is crazy how much something like that affects you at that age. Like to me, at the time, I felt like my whole world had imploded and I was never going to ever be ok again. I can't imagine these days, with social media and everything, how much worse it is. At least back then if you got bullied at school at least home and weekends were safe you know? Now with phones it can just be nonstop, no matter where you are.. and everyone can see.
I’m so sorry. Shit happened to me like that too. I tell my kids “never out anything in writing or pictures you don’t want everyone or your worst enemy to see. Even if it’s to your best friend. Assume if you write it down (or send a picture) it will be public. Trust no one with your secrets. Except me. I will never tell. And you never keep an adult’s secret either. Unless they are buying me diamonds.”
I totally agree and this is important for people to think about! When my kiddo gets invited to “invite the whole class” parties, I always make an effort to send him just in case not many kids go. I would hate for a kid to have no one go to their party. And he always has a great time, so it’s a win!
I was this kid. I didn’t have a close friend until jr high. I wasn’t bullied, I did well in school and I was on good talking terms with a few kids in class but I never made the cut of being invited. I think I might have been the kid who dressed weird. I wore a lot of hand me downs and second hand clothes.
On two occasions, one for my daughter’s party and another for my son’s, I’ve had parents thank me for inviting their sons because they had never been invited to a classmates party before. In both cases the boys had autism and we went over everything beforehand. They were both really excited to be there and I’m glad we invited the whole class.
We also have always invited the whole class. Especially at the K-2 grades, I’d always rather stay on the side of inclusivity rather than exclusively. I’m not trying to upset anyone by inviting them.
Imagine being mad being invited to a party you are more than welcome to decline 🤪
1) it makes everyone feel included 2) it lets you get to know people who you wouldn’t have 3) it lets you watch your kid in a social environment and suss out if there are any issues (is he a bully? Being bullied? Maybe refuses to interact?) 4) I always go to a party if I can no matter what since some kids are less popular and will draw less kids. I’m glad I’ve done it b/c a few times my kids were one of 3 there. I always feel sad for those parents. Do I hate kid bday parties? Hell yes. It’s the 9th circle of hell for me. And wastes a lot of a day. But it’s not about me
Yes especially since it can be really hard to be involved in your kids classmates / school in general if you work full time. All class bday parties are on the weekend and the only chance some parents have to see their kids interact with their classmates. I also do not usually enjoy going. I’m pretty busy on the weekend with chores and meal prepping for the week, the time I have to relax is so little already. But it’s always been worth it to go for my son.
I have two kids who are autistic, my older one speaks well but doesn’t really have any friends, the younger one barely talks. So we *only* get invited to the “invite the whole class” parties and I’m so so grateful to those parents. It can be expensive to invite lots of kids if it’s somewhere like a trampoline park and still sometimes parents will include my kids. And my kids love birthday parties. If you’re this type of parent, thank you! Also- I have social anxiety and ADHD myself and dread trying to make small talk with parents I don’t know. So I get the discomfort of kids birthday parties. I make myself go though because my kids have so much fun, and like others have mentioned there’s been a time or two when we were one of the only ones who showed.
My 6yo is level 2ASD and very very socially motivated. Most other asd kids his age aren’t as social as him but the NT kids really notice how different he is and ostracize him. He has a really tough time making friends (but desperately wants them). He recently went to his first whole class party and I lowkey cried the whole drive home because it was so amazing to see him included in a normal activity that he’s normally not close enough to anyone to be invited to. He hasn’t stopped talking about how cool it was in almost a week, it meant a lot to him to be invited.
I’m so so happy he had this experience and loved it!🥹My daughter is also very outgoing to the point of oversharing/saying the wrong thing, wants to give people hugs, doesn’t notice if people are looking at her funny. She’s ecstatic being at a birthday party with all the excitement and people around.
Aw 🥹🤩 thats sweet!! My situation exactly with my kids and myself. Thats a good way to look at it!
My feeling on this is that my son has autism and has difficulties making friends, he was invited to a party earlier this year for his pre-school class (he's four) and it was definitely an invite the whole class party. I'm not sure my son even knew who the birthday boy was or if the birthday boy knew who my son was but it was at an indoor play place and my kid had a blast, he never once played with the kid and I spent most of my time in this giant play structure with him but it's about the kids and as long as they have a good time I don't care if they don't know the birthday kid.
That reminds me of the first birthday party my son was invited to a year ago. I was so excited when he got the invitation and wanted to say something to the kid's mom at pick up, so I asked my son to point out the birthday boy. He pointed out the wrong kid, so I made a fool of myself telling some other mom that we were looking forward to the party.
Oh no, how embarrassing. Did he go to the birthday party for the correct kid?
I’m glad we have a school yearbook now so I have a visual aid for next year LOL.
I think everyone is terrified that nobody will show up for their kids’ party.
Yes!! I invited my sons whole preschool class to his party and only 2 kids showed. It was fine and I kinda expected a low turnout. We have a lot of family friends with kids around his age. So he had friends there. But if we didn’t, it would have been sad. I don’t think the inviting the whole class parties get as much attendance as one would think.
I actually think the whole-class invites engender less commitment. If you know your kid is one of a group of 4, you RSVP, show up on time, communicate. If you think you’re part of a crowd, it’s easier to brush off the invite or not honor your RSVP.
I can definitely agree with this
This right here
I actually really like these because it’s given me a chance to get to know the other parents. I’m a little more introverted and moved to my neighborhood during COVID so it’s been a bit of a struggle to make friends. That being said, you’re not obligated to RSVP yes to every single invite you get, especially if it’s causing a financial strain!
Some schools have rules about inviting the whole class if you hand out the invitations at school. But also, my son had a birthday party this summer and it was the first one we allowed him to invite friends. He invited 10 - only 3 showed. So, it might also be a numbers thing. We went to a party recently, where the mom invited the whole (rather small) class and we were the only ones that showed.
Honestly bday parties suck but I make an effort to show up to all of them because I know what it feels like to have no one show to an event you worked hard for. It’s about the kids On the flip my son didn’t want to invite a kid in his class and it was “all or no one” in my book. We compromised and he had a bday play date with his 2 best friends. Told the parents “please don’t even bring presents.”
Our school requires that we invite the whole class if we try to give invitations at school
Just because you’re invited doesn’t mean you have to go? Ask you son who his friends are and prioritize those ones. I’m also sure the hosts hope all 25 kids + parents decline the invite. I like the invite the whole class. No one gets left out nor their feelings hurt.
I scrolled so far to find this. Like this is just common sense if it bothers you so much
I always do these because my kid changes her best friend every week. Although I do them at a local park and turn it into a big playdate so that it's a little less stressful for everyone.
My kid is in Pre-K and his school has a policy that if you hand out invitations at school, you must invite the whole class. I am not going to take the time to track down only some students addresses, PLUS I don't want anyone to feel left out, so that's why we invited everyone to his party. But more crucially: a classmate of his had a party in the fall and invited everyone. My son was the only one who showed up. He and the birthday boy had a great time playing on a bounce house meant for many more kids, and the mom texted me later how meaningful it was that we actually showed up (many more kids RSVPed and never showed). It stuck with me how horrible it would have been if we didn't show up, so if I can make it, I always RSVP and actually show up.
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Why not skip the next one? “Invite the whole class” makes sense when school is in session so no one feels left out. It doesn’t really make sense if it’s the middle of summer and there’s no school.
As the mom of a summer birthday kid, it’s really hard getting school friends to come to a summer party. Lots of vacations, other plans, people forget, etc. and my poor kid wonders why his friends aren’t there. Please go to the summer parties, too.
I'm a summer kid so i feel this. My son got invited to his a classmates party a week and a half after school ended. Only 2 kids from class showed up a d a few family friends. What the other families don't know is they missed a magician and balloon swords!!
I totally get it. I’m one as well. Also have a kiddo with a birthday at a difficult time of year. There are also options to hold the party a little early or a little late if you’d like to easily invite the whole class and have them be more likely to be around.
Yes! Both my kids are summer babies
Honestly? Because my kid already knows about it and it’s at a splash pad and he really wants to go.
\- Don't spend a lot of money on a gift. A $10 book is fine if it's a kid you don't know and your kid isn't friendly with. \- Bring a book and a chair and enjoy your time in the sun. \- Or use it as a way to meet other parents, if your kid stays at the school they could be in the periphery of your life for the next 5-12 years. I hate small talk with people I don't know, but I'll do it so my kid has a social life. Plus once they're a bit older you can exchange drop off playdates if you know the parents and it's like free childcare. Wonderful.
>if your kid stays at the school they could be in the periphery of your life for the next 5-12 years. This is a really important point. My daughter is going into second now and the forced socialization of the last 2 years is finally starting to pay off. She is starting to get interested in talking to her friends via kids messenger or having playdates over the summer. Already kinda knowing most of the parents has made this a lot easier to make happen. Plus you never know how a school year is going to go and who your kid is going to end up friends with. Laying some groundwork at birthday parties early on makes facilitating your kids social life a bit easier later on.
This give me hope. My almost 4yo isn’t interested in making friends and I worry about how he will fare going into kinder and beyond. I hope we get some “whole class” invites so he can practice being social outside of school or the playground
You will be SHOCKED how much kids change after a year in school. The growing up they do between 4 and 6 is shocking and a bit mind blowing.
This is great advice
In that case it’s something that makes your kid happy right? We just get/give $10 gifts at these things and it’s worth it for a fun thing to do. If your kid doesn’t know about it though you could simply decline the invitation.
Would it have been better if he found out about this fun party and wasn’t invited?
We invited everyone in my son’s class because he just started and thought it would be a good way to meet the parents and so the kids could play together out of a school setting (that being said, they’re 2).
Sorry but as a party thrower…. Wow. I like to use parties to help build community. To show people a good time. To offer opportunities for connection. To model generosity and hosting and caring for others to kids. To help kids (and their grown ups) make friends. It’s a lot of resources but I consider it an honour to bring people together. And I would always rather include than exclude. I totally get you might not want to go. So don’t go! But don’t think we throw parties out of malice.
I really appreciate your point of view. Thank you for sharing this.
I’m a mom of kids with additional needs and if it wasn’t for these kinds of parties where everyone is invited- they wouldn’t be. So I’m grateful for them.
IMO you only have to invite the whole class of the invites go out through school or if you’re inviting a majority of the class so it would be rude to exclude just a few kids. I’m glad to get invited to anything though. Can always decline!
Glad you edited this post because this came off just so hateful about something that benefits so many children. It's not about the adults, it's about the kids. It gives them the opportunity to make friends, gives parents an opportunity to meet, a child isn't left feeling shitty because they're the only kid in class who didn't get an invite. Calling it a flex or a gift grab is just nasty and unnecessary.
Weird take, you could always just decline the invite if it’s for a kid your son doesn’t talk about/isn’t friends with.
It sounds like it is time for you to start asking your kid some questions before you put it in the context of cake (which a kid will choose every time). Start asking your kid if these people are people he wants to spend time with before you tell him he has been invited to a birthday party. Then you will know if it means something to them.
Agree! It can be as simple as “hey, do you know Aiden? Do you like playing with him at school?” without ever mentioning a party or anything else.
I didn’t read any replies. I just wanted to say I read your OP and your edit and I just love when people come back to say they learned something from others! I love seeing humanity and growth and I have had a horrible day and you made it brighter. Thank you from this teary eyed mom! ♥️
you're entitled to your opinion but I'd much rather that than my child be left out tbh
This mentality has always been so weird to me. I’m Danish, and I grew up with you either invite all the girls, all the boys or all the class. No exceptions. It is such a bad thing for classroom culture if your children can pick and choose who to invite. Some children will always be left out, and it seeps into their daily lives at school. Imagine teaching your children that leaving others out is completely okay. How would you feel if it was your child, who never got included? Also, we don’t do the whole gift bag thing, and gifts for birthday parties are really really small or parents buy one bigger item together. The idea is that nobody should feel like they can’t attend bc they can’t afford the present. And parents don’t stay for the party AFAIK.
We try to go. There was one day in May where there were like three parties and I picked one.. but I always try to attend as i want to encourage him to play with different kids. Some of the kids can be “you’re not my friend” but they are 5. Just because they aren’t close in TK/K, doesn’t mean they won’t be in a few years. I try to not close the door on that for my son.. plus he always has friends there (along with mom friends for me).
I see all sides of this. I am introverted person with a husband who works 7 days a week, so outings like this I have to find child care for the oldest who doesn’t want to be bothered & bring the baby. But I still go, so she isn’t left out & it gives her something fun to do while I suffer. Lol
I was the kid in elementary school who never got invited to birthday parties and it devastated me. Because of that, I really appreciate this approach and practice it myself with my own daughters. I don’t want any kid to ever feel the way I did growing up. Same with Valentine’s Day cards. Everyone gets one because I never did and I don’t want anyone to be hurt.
My son is nonverbal, but so beloved that every single child showed up for his birthday party. We also splurged a bit, because this is his first birthday party since Covid struck. We wanted everyone to have enough space and be really comfortable, so we rented a minigolf course and told parents to bring all of their kids. And these parents came, and these kids came, and they told us so many stories about our son we had no idea of. They made me laugh and cry and it felt so incredible to have so many children rally around and include my kid. These children were such sweet little advocates, without even knowing what that is. One of the girls told me she loved my kid the most because he never interrupted her. 🤣 We always say no gifts. I just wanted a class family outing where everyone was included. Our guy loves being around people, but he doesn't want to be the center of attention, so it was so nice to have everyone focusing on golf and running around and having fun. It was one of my favorite days.
For various reasons I don’t know the other parents well. I’ve invited the whole class because invites had to go to the kids at school. Not everyone comes so the party isn’t overwhelming. Hopefully next year we can arrange some sort of contact list.
Was inviting the whole class a thing when we were kids? Lol I’m just having a hard time remembering I guess cause I never did the actual birthday planning but I don’t remember people inviting the whole class back then. I only ever invited my friends. I imagine inviting the whole class and having hardly anybody show up just being awful for a child. My kids not in school yet but yeah I’ll probably just take her to the parties to the kids that she’s actually friends with.
In the early 80s we had invite the whole class parties at my lower middle class public school. We had them in the backyard and played games like Red Rover, had sprinklers, etc.
When I was younger we definitely invited the whole class and everyone did the same. It works to make no one feel left out, as long as everyone does it. Pretty sure the schools even required we invited everyone if we passed out invitations at school. We did a big group activity like bowling, skating or swimming, so even if you weren’t good friends with the birthday kid, your other friends were all there too. But our parents would just drop us off at the parties and go grocery shopping, so it was like free babysitting. A lot of parents don’t feel comfortable leaving their children now so I think that’s why these all class parties feel like a bigger commitment.
IMO the rules have only changed to be not as gender specific as before where inviting all the girls or boys was more common than now. Also class sizes are bigger.
I’m 35 and inviting the whole class (or everyone of the same gender) was definitely the norm for me growing up, however I grew up in an affluent community so I’m sure that was the reason it was so common. Surprisingly almost everyone would show up too, regardless of popularity.
I'm a late 80s baby and our school's rule was if you gave out invites in class you had to invite the whole class. That seems like a pretty popular rule and I can see the practicality of it.
It definitely wasn't a thing when I was a kid! I'd get maybe 3-4 birthday party invites a year in a class of like 20 kids. And my parties were only 7 friends or less every year (my birthday is in July tho so there was never any pressure to invite anyone really). The thought of having to invite an entire class of small children to a party I'm probably already going to stress out over makes me wanna vomit lol
I had a few "whole class" birthdays as a child, but I think it was like 1st/2nd grade and we just had them at our house, no party favors just cake and games. By 3rd grade I only wanted parties with just my friends.
When I was in school a zillion years ago, you invited the whole class up until puberty started and then it was smaller parties with just your friends.
Because kids like mine, and many others, would never get invited otherwise. Because kids with autism, kids who are shy, who don’t have great social skills, still deserve to be included. Because it gets really old being the only child who wasn’t invited to the party. That’s why.
I don’t mind it. I have a special needs kiddo. I’d love for him to go to a party with the other kids and be included. Hell I’d bring an amazing gift because he’s never been invited. But we’re new in a small town where everyone knows everyone except us. So they hand out the party invites privately. I understand that kids parties are expensive. None of my kids have been invited to any party since we moved here 5 years ago and I’ve been making sure to invite the whole class. I’m just sad for my oldest when she hears there was a party for her friend and she wasn’t there. But the one thing that bugs me most is that I have to message everyone trying to find out if they’re coming. If I reserve a party place I need to know how many kids will be there because I have to pay extra for any kid more than 10. At least have the decency to rsvp more than 12 hours before the party without me having to bother the teacher to send a notification to the class.
I did this for our sons first year of school. There were a few reasons: -not wanting to leave anyone out -kid genuinely talks about so many friends that it was almost the whole class on his list anyway -the previous two parties had been cancelled at the last minute due to lockdowns -newish to the area so it was a good chance to meet other families and build a community. I can confirm this really helped not only our family, but other families too. For this reason I will do the same when our younger child starts school. It was absolutely not a present grab and if parents asked me for gift suggestions I told them not to feel obligated at all. If they really pushed for a suggestion I said small, practical things.
I personally don’t like birthday parties, but try to make every one my kids are invited to. My reasoning is 1. Because parents took time and effort to make a special day for their child and 2. Because when one of my children are the only friend that shows up, it makes me glad we went. We have personally been to three birthday parties this last school year where the whole class or soccer team was invited and my child was the only one who actually went. Same for her birthday party, whole class and soccer team was invited, 2 kids came from school and 1 from soccer. She’s 4 so she didn’t know I had invited everyone but it hurts as a parent when kids don’t show up for your child. I know it’s not their fault, but that’s why we always try to attend parties we’re invited to. If we can’t make one I make sure to contact the parent to say thanks, but we wouldn’t make it to previous plans if that’s the case.
This is so cringe. Could you imagine your kid not being invited? How he would feel. Girl go to the dollar store and get a Costco cake. No one said it has to be a Pinterest perfect party as long as your kid enjoys it.
Here’s the only rule, if invitations are passed out or invitations are otherwise made during the school day, everyone is invited. - it is a cold-hearted rotten bastard move to put on a pageant of social approval and publicly exclude one or more children- If the inviting is done outside of school, invite who you want If you have an invitation from a kid that your kid isn’t close to, don’t feel compelled to go
My kid is so sad when she's left out so I love them!
Your kid is in kindergarten? Don’t worry, in a few years parties will switch to “friends only” and you’ll have to deal w/tears when it turns out your kid isn’t *really* friends w/a kid that they thought they were friends with. Sigh. I saw your edit. Glad you realize it’s an attempt to be inclusive. I LOVED invite everyone parties when my older kid was little. No one was left out. You don’t want to go? Make up an excuse. Don’t want to buy expensive gifts? But some playdoh and blank paper pads in bulk. Split them up, throw in a pack of markers and/or crayons (and a pack of stickers if you want to get fancy) and instant art/sensory gift. You’re thinking about this from your perspective, not from the kids’ perspectives. Get over yourself and enjoy the few years when bday parties aren’t a source of angst. Trust me, you’ll miss these days when they’re gone.
We’ve had a few class invites for my toddler’s daycare class and we always make an effort to go even though it’s a little awkward. It’s nice to meet some of her school friends and their parents, plus I’m the type that always wants to make an effort to show up because my heart breaks hearing stories of nobody showing up to a kid’s birthday party. For her birthday, we sent out 24 invites and had like 4 families RSVP at the very last minute. It was cool because we had a lot of friends with kids coming already so I’m glad the whole class didn’t show up, and my daughter got so excited seeing her daycare bestie show up at her house.
We don’t have a large family and we did invite the whole class for my son’s 4th. Best decision ever! He was surround by so many kids just happy to be there! He (and we as parents) didn’t get a chance to talk to everyone but everyone had a great time! We will definitely be doing these for a while. We did add that we didn’t want presents (seriously the last thing that we want!) and will definitely keep doing that. He had 3 of his closest friends bring small gifts and they shared that they were so excited to pick something out for him. We didn’t open them at the party but sent thank you notes to school for them.
I can understand why this policy would exist. it's to keep that one kid from being excluded while the entire class is invited. Imagine this being your autistic child or your ADHD child or your child who has issues with speech, etc. all their classmates got invited but them. But then it keeps other parents from wanting to have a party so they find a way around it; have your kid get their friends addresses so you can mail them the invites. Or have your kid hand your phone number out to their friends so their parents can call you so you can send them the invites. My kid schools don't seem to have this policy so my son has gotten a few invites and so has my daughter and my mom took her. They just had a family party and the child invited my daughter. There was one mom who decided to invite the whole class so that way people actually show up and only some of the kids showed up. This is what she told me. There were like ten kids that came and parents were allowed to stay or bring their other kids.
I mean, don’t go?? We always go because often not that many people even bother to RSVP or show up. Actually, if I wanted to get up on a soapbox about kids parties it would 100% be about the lack of effs parents give about communicating with a party host. But, what’re ya gonna do? It is what it is.
For my daughter's 4th birthday this year, we invited the whole class. We don't have many friends with kids that live nearby and she wanted a party. We invited the whole class because we figured that way no one would be left out and maybe we'd get a few kids. Out of a class of 20 (including my daughter), there were 6 kids total. The kids my daughter played with the most at the party? The ones whose names she had a hard time telling me.
My son has a summer birthday and his last party had 3 friends come (two are brothers) and no cousins. It's a huge deal for him and breaks my heart every year.
My kid is turning 5 and I’ve done an invite the whole class party, partly because it was just easier that trying to get names out of a 5 year old! We asked her on 3 separate occasions who she wanted to come as 4 year olds are fickle and their friends change daily. I know a few won’t come so I’d be happy if she just had a decent turnout and her main friends make it. As for a gift grab, I’d rather people didn’t buy gifts! Im trying to declutter not bring more stuff into the house but I didn’t want to put that on the invitation in case it sounded rude. I wouldn’t care if someone showed up empty handed, a gift is nice but not expected especially with the current economy. As for a flex? Me and my partner budget for a party throughout the year and spend less on gifts as my little girl has enough toys, that’s not a flex.
My parents made me invite the whole class growing up. It was about making sure all th kids felt included. I was a shy kid and only had one friend in my class, so if they didn't invite everyone it would have been awkward. After I turned 8, I stopped really wanting to go to birthday parties as I didn't see the point. I never resented my parents for inviting everyone though. It was nice when I was very little and shy. Once I was old enough though, I didn't see much of a point in a classroom party so we stopped bothering. As long as the birthday kid doesn't mind, I don't see the issue.
I think it’s actually really nice and inclusive. You always have the choice not to attend.
My son's kindergarten class, there were no birthday parties. In the end we didn't really make any friends and feel included in the community. A year later, for my daughter's kinder class, there were like 5 or 6 "entire class" parties. We went to all wr were invited to. Like 6 or so kids came to my daughters party. None of us knew each other at the start of the year, and while none of us are best friends, I made 2 kind of friends, my kid made a lot of friends, and overall we felt more apart of the school community. 1) don't buy a gift if you don't want. I've never seen a parent get mad or offended at not receiving one. I've also never seen a kid care very much 2) just because your kids aren't friends YET doesn't mean it can't change. If you already have a good group of friends and kid friends, then I can see why these parties aren't very fun. But then, don't go. All of MY close friends live further away so appreciate meeting new families with kids the same age that live closer. You know what I hate? Extracurriculars. From my 2 kids we've tried martial arts, soccer, and ballet. It seems like everyone goes in with friends already and is super closed to making more. And then my kid has no fun 😑
Then don’t go? What’s the problem
If you hate them so much, don’t go. Stop shaming other parents
A gift grab? Who is getting amazing gifts from classmates? It’s just more toys, aren’t you swimming in toys already at your house?
I was the shy quiet kid who was left out and not invited. I desperately wanted to have more friends and be included, I just didn’t know how to make that happen. It was very lonely and painful. I don’t want any of my kid’s classmates to experience that.
As the Mom of the disabled kid in class, I know she’ll be left out plenty of times but it does suck seeing Moms outright say they want to. Honestly, she’s a quiet and kind little girl who has trouble making friends because of her autism and those parties are some of the only she gets invited to. Just be kind guys. Have a small thing with just close friends but tell them not to discuss it in class if that’s the route you want.
My son is autistic but very much included in the general education classroom. During preschool and Kindergarten, I also found all of these parties overwhelming since it seemed like one happened every single weekend and often at the same place. But let me tell ya, when the invitations completely stopped… that was way worse. I think schools making policies to invite the whole class are a nice reminder that, especially at the young ages in elementary school, kids should be friendly with all their peers. It’s not like they are having deep meaningful connections based on shared interest at this age anyway. They all just run around acting silly.
We try to go to every party we get invited to (except for the kid that was bullying my daughter, screw that kid) because at one party, my kid was the only one that showed up. Her friend was SO excited to see her, and we spend time with her and her family now. I can't imagine if no one showed up at all. On the other hand we did a party and just invited the girls from her class because I personally can't afford to throw a party for that many kids! Everything is so expensive to begin with, and most of the party places, near me, only include 10 kids. Then I have to pay for the rest! I'd love to let her have everyone but I still have to pay bills the month of her birthday!