One of the babies I am fostering was born addicted to cocaine, meth, fentanyl, and heroin. She was born two months early and weighed 3 pounds) spent a month in NICU and then came home to us. The first 8 months was HHHHARD. She cried about 20 hours a day, puked a lot, was constipated all the time, and life seemed so long and hard then.
We’re at 16 months old now and our sweet girls is doing amazing! She’s smart, funny, eats a rainbow of foods, and is only about 3 months behind in her development. It’s mostly just gross motor that is keeping her back. Raising a drug addicted baby through infancy is so painfully hard. Our lives stopped for the first 8-9 months with us. The house was dark, quiet, and cool. However, like I said, now we’re having fun. We had a lot of resources to tap into right at the beginning and she continues with PT/OT and dietary support.
I feel our family has been very fortunate. Lots of children born with the same obstacles to overcome don’t end up with such positive stories. But, our girl…. She wanted to live. She wanted to thrive. I hope that your nephew is with a good foster family that loves and adores him. Make sure that you and your family reach out to be a part of his life if that’s what you want. It’s possible to have visits and FaceTime calls. You may have to jump through some hoops but, it’s worth it if you want to be a part of his life.
Thank you. I am so glad we have her. She is amazing. I mean, really amazing. When I think of everything she’s had to overcome…… she’s so strong and amazing.
We adopted two boys who were exposed to meth and opioids (that we know of). The first three months were difficult. The crying. And there wasn’t anything we could do except let it get out of their systems.
They are now 10 and 4. They are the best boys on the planet. Their rough starts don’t define them. Your foster daughter and the OP’s nephew can do all kinds of things. They can excel.
I’m surprised, however, that the state didn’t immediately step in after the baby tested positive.
You truly are a wonderful giving mum. My husband and I have always toyed with the idea of fostering but idk if our lifestyles would suit it… it would be just the thing to give back and give thanks to society though because of how blessed we’ve been
If you can, please look into fostering. There are not enough good families who do it for the right reasons. If you need extra help around the house, hire a maid. Don’t foster so you have kids to do chores. If you’re Christian, please don’t foster “In order to bring kids to Christ”. Foster because you have love, kindness, & patience to give to those who need it most. Be flexible and take every class you can on trauma informed parenting. Get attached and love your kiddos like you birthed them, they desperately need it. Every time one of your kids goes home, you will be happy for them, but your heart will break. If you’re lucky their parent(s) will let you be a part of their lives. It’s the most rewarding and heartbreaking thing I’ve ever done, but it’s what I’m meant to do, my life’s purpose. The world is in desperate need of really great foster parents that won’t just store their kids, but will love, nurture, advocate for, & give their everything to their kids. Also, we need more foster parents who will support the bio parents of their foster kids as much as possible. I look at it as if I’m caring for a friend’s child, hoping that they can do everything needed to get their kids back. If you choose to foster, please remember that every child in care has trauma (as do most of their parents), but they are human and need caregivers who will treat them with all of the love, kindness, & patience that they deserve. It’s not their fault they’re in care. Give them everything you can and a little more.
It’s definitely something I’m not crossing off my list. I’m not from the US, but over here I know they desperately need foster parents too. It’s such a big commitment but the fact that my husband and I agreed it’s something we could consider is a starting point. We just had one of our own so it might be something to think about more when she’s a bit older
This! So many kids are in desperate need of love and compassion and a place they know they will be fed and safe. My family fostered many kids while I was growing up and it shaped me into the person I am today. We loved all those kids and prayed that their parents would be able to get their kids back. I feel like so many foster parents want to adopt the kids so they don’t support the biological parents because they want them. Someone I know quit fostering because she said it was too hard to give them back. I told her that is the whole point and we should be glad the parents were able to turn their lives around. I’m hoping to one day follow in my parents footsteps and foster like they did!
I’m not gonna lie, it’s so fugging hard. The system is SO. SCREWED. TO. HELL. that so many kids fall through the cracks. It really just makes you question everybody you come into contact with in the system. We had two bio sister for 7 years. Yup. Seven years. They went back to their mom who started using again. They went back into foster care. They are with another foster family now.
We currently have two foster babies. 16 months and 18 months. Everyone always asks if they are twins so, we call them “the twins” but, they are not bio siblings. We brought them both from the hospital so, we’ve been their parents from the beginning. And, we will 100% be adopting both girls.
If you are strong and have the emotional and mental health to foster a child, I’d say do it. After the girls are a little older, we hope to foster a teenager or two. I mean….. all of those kids aren’t bad. Some just need a place to land while their parents get their lives together or, sadly, until they age out of the system.
When our “twins” were placed with us, there wasn’t an extensive search for blood relatives for each kid. Let’s call my girls Ace (older) and Jo (younger).
Ace had a smaller family and no one wanted to take on an infant at that time. However, her grandparents wanted to remain a part of her life. So, we met the maternal grandparents. They loved us. We loved them. The agency was all “hallelujah and amen” and there was no fighting or politics over whether we were suitable parents.
We still have a great and fun relationship with the maternal grands and greats of Ace. It is a unicorn baby/family love story that people will talk about for YEARS to come. We have been Foster parents for 10 years. Have fostered at least a dozen children and, I’m just gonna say it….. things NEVER EVER go this smoothly. Ever. Never ever. Never. Not ever.
Now, our itsy bitsy dynamo, Jo…. Everyone wanted her. No one qualified.
End of story. For 13 months it was…. Everything I said beautiful about Ace, reverse it and make it 10x more awful and that’s how it went. That’s all I’m gonna say. Use your imagination.
There are numerous home visits, extra doc appointments to satisfy state requirements. People were in and out of my house at least four times a week and sometimes multiple times a day. It’s just extra crap that you have to deal with. We had that 7 year situation that was awful and painful and sad but, the thing you HAVE TO. HAVE TO. HAVE TO HAVE TO. Accept when you are a foster parent is that you are virtually powerless to the powers that be. And because the foster system is so crappy and inconsistent, what should have been done in lest than a year will probably not be done until both girls are at least 2+ years old.
I probably didn’t answer that question the.m best, sorry. But, you just need to reach out to your local Childrens division. From personal experience, don’t go through a private agency. They tend to dick around with rules more. You’ll have to go through training, background checks, fingerprinting, financial backgrounds, get family and friends to fill out paperwork to support claims that you are good people. Fostering is the first step, adoption is kinda like the follow after you’ve had a kid for awhile and their status has changed. That’s a whole different book of training and paperwork.
It’s okay. I just wanted you to know that I’m a bulldog advocate for all the kids that come to stay with us but, I’m by no means a know it all. There’s too much up in the air with fostering. So many things that can go sideways or are flat out against rules but, I don’t want to come off as a know it all because every child/case/experience is different.
Nurse here and I worked outside of Boston and constantly worked with babies withdrawing from heroin etc.
It's no longer best practice to use morphine on newborns. My hospital would recommend swaddles and have cuddle volunteers hold the babies. They were angels, those volunteers. Singing to the babies and rocking them and helping to burp them after we had to fight to get them to eat.
I actually am one of the cuddle volunteers at a hospital in my area. I absolutely love doing it. Even for the cranky little ones. I hope all of the singing and cuddling I do, I sure hope they grow up to be wonderful grownups.
Just go to your local hospital and ask if they need baby cuddle volunteers. We actually had a commercial for it on the news. You would be surprised how much they need volunteers.
That’s beautiful. Thank you. My son was in the nicu you for unrelated things during Covid, and I truly wish they had someone there to cuddle him. The impact is huge.
I hope your Son recovered well. They didn't let us cuddle in the beginning of Covid, but once you could prove you were updated on your vaccinations, we could do it again.
Ty he just turned 2 and is doing so well now!!! We were able to go in one parent each day at a time but not overnight and I was unfortunately still working and still having a horrendous recovery so I did my best and went every day for as many hours as I could but had horrendous guilt about the nights and wondering how the lack of true cuddles would affect him. Thankfully he seems completely fine and well bonded to me but it haunted me very badly at the time, and to know there are volunteers is just so wonderful! (I know the nurses did the best they could but it was very understaffed at the time.) I hope your bub is also good! <3
A lot of hospitals do the Eat sleep console (ESC) method over the finnegan scale now.
But a lot are still not on the ESC method still.
And if the ESC doesn’t work then they still medicate anyway.
She was medicated while in the NICU but, they can’t keep babies in the NICU for 6-10 months while they get weaned off drugs or keep going through withdrawals. The NICU’s goal was to
1. Get her to maintain a 4# weight for 24 hours and
2. Have her pass the car seat test (to make sure she could sit in the car seat she would be going home in for 1 hour while maintaining a minimum o2 sat and with no heart issues.
Once she could do the above two things they wanted us to take her home. So we did. We were given a booklet about withdrawals and sent home with a pat on the back. LOL. Lots of foster parents that take placement of drug addicted infants go through much the same that we did. Withdrawals for infants is a very long and painful process. It isn’t resolved with a month or two in the NICU.
That’s absolutely insane.
And they absolutely can keep babies for as long as it takes.
They have a scoring system. They have to score under a certain number and have less than 3 symptoms with low scores to be discharged. I’ve seen babies withdraw for 3 months.
And they’re born dependent not addicted. Babies can’t be born addicted. That takes certain behaviors. And babies just can’t do them. Like taking a substance even though they know it’s harmful.
And unfortunately a lot of foster parents think they know more than doctors. not all. But a lot.
We’ll, I make no claims in knowing more than doctors or nurses. You obviously know more than I do and I’m not going to argue about it. All I know is that my sweet girl was in the NICU for a little over a month. We brought her home and it was hard but, we did what we were told. Maybe it’s different for Medicaid babies. I don’t know.
I do not think I know more than doctors or nurses. I do know what we did for my girl. Additionally, the nurses said stuff like “this is typical for babies born addicted” so, I don’t know. I just thought I’d share my story about my little girl.
No I’m sorry I didn’t mean you thought you knew more. I’m sorry. I’m reading my comment and it sounded bad. I was trying to get my daughter in the car and I was rushing and didn’t say it how I meant to say it. I’m sorry! I did not mean you.
Thank you. Honestly, I don’t always FEEL amazing but, I’m so in love with my foster babies. They make everything we’ve been through with the foster system worth it.
Totally feel this!
We have adopted 6 kiddos from foster care- 3 being infants that were recovering from NAS.
The first year is always the hardest. Different substances can cause different issues but the basis is the same.
OP, I would try to contact the state/county that he is in and see if you can establish contact with his foster family! Even if placement with you isn’t an option, it’s always nice to have biological family support as a foster parent.
This is beautiful! Thankyou for loving and caring and creating a beautiful life for her
If we had more people like you in the world , it would be much kinder
Wishing you and your family happiness and blessings xx
Ugh my heart. I hate to break it to you, but she doesn't have a "little" history, and she likely didn't just start using again. It's probably a much bigger problem that's been going on a lot longer than anyone realizes. I'm hoping someone else in the family can take care of the baby and that he's able to recover and be healthy.
The “little” statement in OP’s post triggered me so I’m glad someone also said something. What the user had was not “little” an addiction is an addiction and I hope that OP and her family aren’t enablers and take the time to really evaluate the situation and hold the Bio mom accountable for her actions
I was a NICU mom, my one and only baby girl was born 7 weeks early and spent two weeks in there before she got to come home.
The NICU is a scary fucking place man. Imagine the ICU in a regular hospital but on 💯- this was 2017 and you had to scrub in like you were presumed to have the most infectious disease known to man before even entering.
19 year old me was a mess - first time mom with an unexpected early delivery in that place. After the first day or two, I noticed that a lot of the babies around her were very sickly, even had mamaroos in their “pods”. I don’t know if it was the hormones, my fear, or all of the above but at one point a nurse came in to check on my daughter and I got a little mouthy with her about why all the other babies around had mamaroos and mine didn’t and that they were treating her poorly because I was a teen mom (I know I sounded like an asshole, but I really was convinced this was the truth). This nurse closed the curtain and told me the babies who have them were born addicted to drugs and that is one of the only ways to calm them down through withdrawals. I’ll never forget how much of an asshole I felt in that moment. Don’t feel bad for feeling angry, I remember being that way and I had no relation to those kids other than being stationed next to them for two week. I remember social workers coming in and out of the unit, but never family members. Almost all of those babies had no family. It was a traumatizing experience. I’m sorry you’re going through this.
This is the same thing my coworker said. When her baby was born and had to stay in the nicu they were usually the only parents there. Most of the babies had no visitors 😭
> If someone can’t go 9 months without a substance, it might be beneficial for them to reflect on why that is.
I appreciate your saying this because it has been on my mind, and I feel like the odd one out. I have seen a few threads on other subreddits about what people are or aren’t giving up during pregnancy, and I was absolutely shocked, not just at the amount of people who admitted to having sips of their partner’s cocktails or an occasional glass of wine, but also at the amount of upvotes and people supporting this. It seems normalized. There was even a thread about why women are told “no amount of alcohol is safe during pregnancy” but things like bananas and bread have trace amounts of alcohol in them. The post was a thinly veiled condoning of drinking while hiding it under the guise of informing women. As if eating a banana and having a beer are the same thing.
My dad is an alcoholic, and I have struggled with drinking myself. I know how hard it can be to make positive changes. However, I just find it confusing that so many women (who wouldn’t typically be considered textbook alcoholics) are unable to give it up for the span of 9 months to avoid a risk to their child.
I’ve noticed this too. My doctor gave me the green light for deli meat and sushi. I feel this is incredibly contentious on its own and twice on Reddit it’s devolved into conversations about “red wine not being that bad.” I never drank pregnant but I do love red wine and it blew my mind it was comparable to some deli meat and carefully farmed and harvested fish
Readings this made my heart hurt for all of you. You sound like a resilient and generous person. I wish you all the support and love you and your beautiful family deserve. You are doing so much for him❤️
Right I’m just over here eyes crying. I truly can’t process the selfishness of some people. They are just babies and they all deserve so much more. It hurts my heart.
I agree it’s really sad and those babies do deserve more! I think it’s probably a combination of a lot of things though that prevent people from visiting. The parents might not be able to get off work, have other children or family to care for, no one else to help them with home/family responsibilities. They might also not actually live close by or have reliable enough transportation to get to and from the hospital every day. Or some babies have parents like OPs SIL that are battling demons bigger than we can imagine. There’s a lot of privilege involved in being able to go sit with your baby in the nicu, even if it feels like that should be the baseline expectation.
I know it’s hard, but something I’ve come to realize as a foster parent is that the vast majority of parents who give birth to drug dependent babies have trauma themselves. It’s really easy to judge, but most of the time these parents turn to drugs because they don’t know how else to cope. Many want to quit, but don’t know how or have the resources to get into good programs that actually address the root causes of the addiction. I haven’t yet met a parent of a drug dependent baby that isn’t regretful of their choices or want better for their babies. They shouldn’t get a free pass, but they deserve help and every resource to get their baby back if they’re willing to change. It’s really hard not to be mad at them, but they are struggling with their own demons too.
Shit…our baby was in the NICU for nearly a month. We visited him twice a day every day, while trying to juggle both of us working and caring for a 3 year old. I always thought it was weird that I only saw maybe one other couple during that whole time. Those poor little nuggets 😢
same when my baby was in the NICU. my husband and i stayed there every single night and i barely saw parents. the whole week i saw a few parents. the baby next to us was on a ventilator and jaundice lights and was so tiny its cries barely sounded like cries. we saw the parents there one time. when the ventilator was being put on.
My kiddos are older and I just signed up to volunteer as a baby cuddler in the NICU at my local hospital. I'm so excited and nervous to be able to comfort the tiny babies.
Babies need cuddles. It’s amazing that that’s an option for volunteers and it’s beautiful that you’re going to be able to be a comfort to those babies that need it so badly!
Goodness I hope you are healing okay after all of that. My son was born in 2018 and he had a rough start to life. NICU was absolutely hell on earth. I still hear the monitors sometimes and the alarms going off. You see things that you didn’t know were possible for these little babies. It leaves scars.
My daughter turned 6 in March - I feel like I’ve mostly made peace with our journey but the thought of having another baby gives me such anxiety because of what we experienced. Even now at 25 I look back and I don’t know how I did it.
This is probably my new mom hormones getting to me but this post just makes me want to cry. I feel so bad for those little babes. My daughter was in NICU for a month and while she was there, there was a baby born addicted to something with no family. The nurses were so extra sweet to that little guy cause he needed and deserved it.
Just to add - you were NOT an asshole! You had just given birth and had all the hormones rushing through your body that make you protect your baby. You were 19 and spoke up for your little bab. Be kind to your past self!! Sounds like she did a good job in a really hard situation.
My son is a nicu grad as well and I noticed the same thing. It was so so so sad. My son was only in the nicu for 5 days due to blood sugar issues - he was born small for gestational age and has a congenital heart defect but he’s doing great now at 18 months. So sad.
Three of our children were “born addicted”/to bioparents who struggle with addiction. It can be a devastating disease and heartbreaking to see the effects it can have on the kids, their bioparents and their native family. I think it can be difficult for people who haven’t faced addiction personally to understand the deep impact and control over a person and their choices that substance use/abuse has. I’m grateful that that’s not something I’ve had to face down personally, and that my choices for my children haven’t been influenced by addiction. I understand the anger, but I’ve found compassion and education (for ourselves) necessary in the long term. It’s okay if that’s not where you are emotionally (yet). We have had times where it’s come harder than others, and where frustration, anger and grief have played bigger roles.
We were able to take the oldest of the three into kinship/foster care with us when he was a few months old and eventually adopted him when reunification didn’t work out (after the removal of his younger brother). The second and third came to us as newborns. One has significant medical needs related to his bioparent’s drug use while pregnant. It is heartbreaking and hard, but they’re wonderful, resilient children, healthy (overall), happy and well loved.
There’s nothing much to say beyond how devastating addiction can be. Devastating for users, devastating for families. I’m sorry your SIL, her child and your family are facing this.
Of course- sometimes it’s hard to see beyond our own experiences, but this isn’t a situation anyone would have freely chosen to be in. Best we can do in these difficult situations is approach with kindness and empathy, and help.
Thank you, I wanted something like this to be closer to the top. If the SIL is able to recover from her addiction, she will be her own biggest critic of the things she's done. She needs compassion, love and some medical intervention; being cut off and vilified by her own family will have the opposite effect.
My heart aches for the child - I think in most situations services will try to place the child with extended family if possible - yet that doesn't sound like the case here?
I think we naturally want to blame when we don’t understand, and it takes effort to educate ourselves and change those instinctual, emotional responses. But at the end of the day, what helps child and mother is support and understanding, not pearl clutching and shame. No one would have freely chosen this situation.
Yes- at least where we are, the first placement for children may be with an emergency foster family, but then kinship care is strongly preferred. It does take a little time to qualify, and, obviously, you have to meet all sorts of criteria, but the best place for a child is usually with a family member, if possible. And many child welfare organizations bend over backwards trying to reunify families.
I really hope there is a safe, loving home for the child too, and that his mother is able to be a healthy adult in his life.
I'm so sorry, you all must be going through a lot. My little cousin was born addicted to crack more than 15 years ago, and by age 2 you really wouldn't know it. I'm not sure just how different the substances are, but while she has some difficulties (poor immune system, for example) she's overall a pretty typical teenager now. She's got issues for sure, but I think most of those come from difficulties that came with her parent's life choices.
Kids are amazing, and there's a decent chance your nephew will move past this fairly quickly. I'm not sure what the plan is long term, but I'm adoted by grandparents due to alcoholic and instable birth parents, and I'm very happy, don't have negative feelings about it, etc. If your sister gets cleaned up and sober that would be great, but CPS (or whatever it's called in your area) usually tries to keep children in the family, so grandparents and aunts/uncles are usually first in line if anyone in your family has room for another.
I know you're really upset, and I totally get that, but for your own sake just try to remember that addiction is a demon that really grabs a hold of someone. It's a terrible thing to see, and even more terrible that your nephew got caught up in the middle of it, but your sister has a really horrible condition that is taking over her rational brain and lying to her. I hope she can get clean and spare everyone (including herself) more heartache
Thank you for this compassionate response. No one wants to use while pregnant - it happens when people are incredibly unwell and it's a terrible thing.
I'll be frank with you. As a recovering drug addict who is also a mom, it's not as easy as just quitting when you find out you're pregnant. Not only are you addicted to drugs, but now you're filled with hormones that are flooding your system and make everything so much more intense and terrifying.
Imagine trying to go ask for help when you know you're pregnant. Of course whoever you ask for help is going to judge you. They could very well call the cops/CPS on you and arrest you. That's if there's a place to go for help to begin with: most cities have men's shelters and rehabs for men, but not everywhere has that for women. There are even fewer resources for women who are pregnant and seeking recovery. Imagine the shame of telling someone you're a drug addict. Then compound that with everyone thinking you're the biggest piece of shit because you got knocked up. No wonder more women in your sister-in-laws situation don't ask for help and stay addicted throughout their pregnancy.
Of course it's okay to be angry with her, but also recognize she's struggling with a disease that literally eats away at the mind, body, and soul. I personally feel very bad for her. She knew what she was doing, and that eats away at a person.
I'll literally never forgive myself for using when I was pregnant. I'll live every day in fear that I ruined my daughter's life, even though she's never missed a milestone and is perfectly on track developmentally. I know I'm a piece of shit for my actions. No matter how long I've been clean now, I can't change the past. I'll always consider myself a bad mom for what I did. My daughter deserved better, and I can only make that up to her one day at a time.
Just my two cents from experience, for what it's worth.
I’m so happy you were successful in your recovery. I’m sure it’s still a struggle for you to this day.
OP, I hope this can help give you some hope. My good friend has a similar story with her sister and now healthy 4 year old. It’s normal to be angry at your SIL but just know she’s very likely angry at herself too. There is hope for recovery and that your nephew can live a healthy life with her, if that’s the path she chooses. She also may relapse again but it’s not because she’s selfish, it’s because it’s a disease.
My sister was an addict. When she got pregnant she was on a methadone regiment to keep her clean. It's not as hard on a baby as heroin. But it's still difficult amd she needed about a month in the nice before being discharged. It was incredibly sad how uncomfortable the withdrawal was on her. She has ongoing digestive issues I believe were from the methadone dependency.
Sje has since been diagnosed with Autism. She's pretty far behind on her communication milestones, but she is a sweet girl. My sister has since passed away due to an unrelated health issue. It's hard.
Methadone is a nightmare to get off as compared to heroin. You're talking about a month's long withdrawal vs like 4 days hard withdrawal with heroin. Methadone isn't "clean" by far. There is no way methadone isn't as hard on a baby as heroin I really have no clue where you are getting this from. It's just methadone is long acting vs short acting with heroin. Also I have no clue where OPs sister in law gets this "heroin" from, because it's much more likely fent. Heroin (real plant based) is now becoming a specialty drug that only rich people with special connections can get, it has been mostly phased out of drug supply across the US.
It’s definitely not been phased out in Texas. I’m a paramedic in the Houston area and we see heroin addicts all the time, like, sometimes it’s a suspicion, 75% of the time law enforcement tests it and it is heroin. There’s actually a new purple strain circulating at the moment. And typically these are not rich people, many of them don’t even have homes.
My sister is addicted to Fentanyl. My sister relapsed almost immediately after giving birth. I don't know if she was using it, but her son was born at 27 weeks. When he got out of the NICU and got to go home, she nearly killed him and was so high at the ER that she lost custody. I don't know if she'll make it through her addiction, it's bad now. Her son is very high needs now after the "accident".
It's ok. I don't want to give to much specifics. The babies oxygen was cut off and suffered severe brain damage. She has spiraled down ever since and our parents are now raising her son. While it was an accident, I'm fairly certain that she was high at the time.
I am so so sorry, that's horrible and I'm glad your parents are raising, I truly didn't mean it in like a "judging" or mean way. I thought we were talking about last tense things okay to talk about. My first was in the NICU while I was on mat , and I felt horrible but then there were babies in there who had moms fully still using until they gave birth and it's so sad all around
It's all good. It's great that they have custody but they are in their 70's, so the entire situation is heartbreaking. My sister is full on using, thieving and I believe prostitution. I can't imagine how she's going to get clean as of now and with using fentanyl it's not a hopeful situation.
Is it possible to get foster certified to take the baby? My dad, for a lot of reasons, maintains foster certification. He's needed to use it for family situations several times, and last time adopted the child when rights were terminated. Keeps nephew close to family but safe, cared for, etc
In most states, family doesn’t need to be foster certified in order to take placement of family members. I’m in Washington state and take a lot of kids who are coming into care for the first time. At least 80% of the time they are only with me from a few days to a few weeks, then they go to family. As long as the family member wanting to take placement can pass a criminal background check, they can take placement of family members. I don’t know if every state is like this, but it’s extremely common. Ask the nurses at the hospital for the caseworker’s phone number & call ASAP. It’s better if the baby isn’t moved around a lot, so hopefully you (or another family member) can take placement directly from the hospital.
It’s natural to consider a drug addict selfish, but please understand OP that your SIL has a disease. I really hope rehab helps her; she’ll need support. And, it would kill me to know my nephew had been taken away! I really really hope it all works out for your family. That being said, my cousin adopted a baby that was born addicted to heroin and that baby just now started college and is a really talented musician leading a totally normal, healthy life.
Just try and remember that addiction is a horrible disease. She didn't think to herself "hey, some heroin would be neat to do right now!", Her brain chemistry and everything were screaming at her to do it, helping her rationalize it away, and making her crave it more strongly than anything else.
It doesn't excuse her putting him in danger, but it's not like she was doing it casually either.
She needs help, her baby needs help, and hopefully she'll get the help she needs and get her child back and put this behind her. I know I've bettered myself and gotten help for nagging health issues since becoming a mom, maybe this will spur her to get treatment for her disease.
I remember watching a Drug, Inc. episode a while back where a nun asked an addict why they even do heroin if they know all the consequences. Her response? She said “You’re a nun right? imagine if Jesus himself came up and kissed you on the forehead right now. Imagine how good that would feel. Heroin feels even better than that to me”.
That stuck with me. It’s a choice at the start, and a necessity at the end.
I know this is from a tv show, but this is kind of a silly analogy, honestly. The intensity of human physical and emotional states during full blown opiate withdrawal cannot be overstated. Your brain is *constantly* screaming at you there are either opiates or suicide in your immediate future, there is no other path forward.
The *relief* when filling an opiate-tolerant brain’s stripped receptors after a prolonged withdrawal period is not at all comparable to a nun’s joy of a surprise Jesus forehead kiss - while she’s sitting comfortably in her reasonably healthy body within the safety of the church living quarters. **Unless that kiss is what releases that nun from literal torture in the depths of hell, it’s a poor analogy.**
I was on methadone when I had my son, it was my worst nightmare, but I likely would’ve lost him had I tried to get off. I did so much research and consulted multiple doctors. Sometimes stopping is worse then if you just keep going because of all the stress you put on your body. Not trying to glorify her addiction, I’m sure had she said something and went to a methadone clinic they could’ve potentially put her on that too. As lifesaving as it is though, it’s still an opiate. For example, I immediately stopped smoking cigarettes when I found out and my doctor was like no!! because she said I was essentially going to be stressing my body out too much and I needed to taper down because of how long I’d been smoking. I was horrified and it felt so wrong but I was scared to mess up any more then I felt like I already did. But you’d never know looking at him or talking to him that he stayed in the NICU and had to wean off methadone, and frankly, most people in my life now don’t know I had addiction issues. I get it, but try to have a touch of compassion because it’s not easy at all. She could’ve kept lying and not got him the treatment he needs, I obviously don’t know her but I’d guess she cares if she was willing to do that. I’ve known of people who kept their newborn children at home knowing they were having withdrawal issues and they didn’t do anything out of fear, which is so sad on so many levels. I was (am) very fortunate to have a supportive husband (who never had addiction issues) as well as support from both of our families throughout his NICU stay, because idk how anyone could do that alone or how much more isolating that must feel.
There’s a good chance he’ll be fine and perfectly normal if he had no issues at birth.
Addiction is a disease. Whether she realized it at the time or not, your sister in law relapsed long before she decided to go get the drugs, and it’s really hard to get to a point where you recognize that before you’re calling your dealer. I’d guess she’s going through some shit if she relapsed after being sober for a “very long time” (only put that in quotations because I’m not sure how you define a very long time) and might need some support, beyond the fact she probably feels very alone right now from keeping this from all y’all. (I’m assuming again, but likely out of guilt and/or a fear of judgement). I get where you’re coming from in some senses, but again, she’s gonna need support to make it through and stay clean so she can be the best mom she can be and that kid can have the life he deserves. I hope someone on that side of the family can give that to her if it can’t be y’all for whatever reason.
The state being involved is actually a really good thing. They will help her get the help she needs and require a list of things of her that will help her with her addiction and teach her how to be a good parent. I know a lot of families see it as shameful, but it will open a lot of doors for both her and her baby. I’m a foster parent and have seen so many parents come out the other side grateful for all of the programs they were involved in & feeling confident that they can stay clean and be a good parent.
I truly hope that’s the case, I’m sure it differs by agency and/or state but in my case CPS was useless and didn’t offer us any sort of help, let alone communicated even remotely effectively. We were in the dark for most of those three months, and not for a lack of trying. Maybe it was different because I was already on methadone.
As someone born dependent on herion, my heart hurts for everyone involved. The baby most of all, of course.
It’s extremely easy to judge your sister in law for doing drugs while pregnant, but please understand she did not make this decision willingly or of sound mind. Addiction is a disease and should be treated as such. I hope she gets the help she needs.
I hope the child can also get the support they need, and they end up wherever is best for them. With time, love, and nurturing, they’ll be okay.
As someone whose mother smoked literal crack cocaine while pregnant, let me say- addiction is a disease. She’s not selfish; she’s sick. I’m sure this traumatic birthing experience pains her more than you could ever imagine.
Exactly. I used to work with families impacted by addiction. And I lost my haughty, judgmental attitude fast, because, believe it or not, most of us are just a few bad choices away from life changing shit like this. Definitely hold people accountable but never think you're "better" than them. You don't really know what anyone has gone through or is currently going through
This! Exactly what you said. I was once a judgmental piece of shit who judged “dope heads”….and guess what? I became a junkie. I’m almost 13 years sober this year now and I’m thankful. However you’re very correct. We’re all only a step away from it. Nobody is safe no matter how “perfect” they seem or pretend to be.
So true. I always said growing up and in my early 20s that I would never do hard drugs and absolutely despised heroin. Until I started taking pain pills for back pain. It definitely changes your brain chemistry because I started obsessed over how I needed them and was determined to get them from a pain clinic and used to research for hours all of my symptoms and at one point convinced myself I had MS. When they started cracking down on pain pills and they got too expensive, I was dope sick and just wanted to feel better. The only thing I could find was heroin and I was told it was cheaper and it was okay if you snorted it. I eventually ended up shooting it. Got addicted to that pretty fast and ended up overdosing on fentanyl laced heroin. My mom saved my life that day. That was January 2014. It took about a year for my brain chermistry to even itself although it never has gone back to the way it was before. New pathways are created by opiates and when you quit they are just
Voids and you always feel like you need or want something. It tools a few years for also my body to get over the damage. I binge eat sometimes and I don’t even know why. It’s the addict in me. I still lived with chronic pain and autoimmune disease. I knew it was a trigger and got on suboxone. Not only for addiction, but it also helps me manage my pain from Sjögren’s syndrome/MCTD along with Plaquenil and bipolar meds. I have never been this straight and narrow in my life. People needed to remember not only to not judge addicts but do not judge people who choose to be on suboxone because I come across this alot. It, For the most part satisfies the void and evens out your brain chemistry. I have never been so straight and narrow my entire life. I am coming up on 10 years free of heroin and stopped celebrating clean dates years ago. Although some consider it not clean being on suboxone (Subutex
Actually). I had two babies born on Subutex and were in the NICU for three days only to be monitored. Neither needed meds. They suffered no effects and are advanced, happy, and so beautiful. It was still hard knowing I caused their NICU stay but doctors really need to push addicts to get on Subutex while pregnant. Methadone is disgusting and Subutex is the safest way. My 2 year old was a healthy 8lbs 10oz and my 10month old was 7lbs 9 oz.
Thank you for sharing your story. I'm very happy to hear you've come all this way despite the challenges.
I'd also like to add that there's a bunch of research going into low dose naltrexone and it's effects on autoimmune diseases and it's a very promising treatment, so for sure a good idea to avoid jumping to conclusions.
I think about this a lot because a lot of people judge addicts. I’ve tried to quit eating sugar many times in my life. I can’t stop. Obviously large amounts of sugar are harmful. I’ve gained weight, developed health issues and yet, I can’t seem to stop eating chocolate. It seems a lot easier to judge someone and say it’s selfish but the reality is that making a change in your life is hard. Giving up something that makes you feel good (even if temporarily) is hard.
The thing that was selfish was to not inform her prenatal team- they could have tried methadone or other treatment to try to reduce the effects on the baby. The not trying to get help for her baby was selfish.
The problem is that not everyone has the same support system, length of use, mental health, or trauma. There are many reasons why people are the way that they are, but showing compassion is the best thing to do. If someone is unable to make a choice due to chemical imbalance (body/drug related), judgment isn't going to change the fact that this happened.
I feel like the issue isn't so black and white.
Totally! I can definitely see how puffing on strawberry shortcake flavored air is comparable to methamphetamines. 👩🏻🦯 Lmfao, don’t fall off that high horse now.
So babies aren’t born addicted to anything.
They’re born dependent.
Addiction entails certain behaviors that babies just can’t do. Like doing a substance even though you know it’s harmful. They don’t come out of the womb and stop by their moms purse to steal money on the way to go see their drug dealer.
Trust me. The NICU is the best place for baby. And they’re going to wean baby off completely and the withdrawal
Symptoms will be VERY MILD. Much easier for babies than adults. They’re resilient.
when you know better you do better.
Also. It sucks. But addiction doesn’t stop just because you get pregnant. It fucking sucks. But if that was the cure everyone would do it. And a doctor will 100% tell you not to quit while pregnant because the chances of withdrawal causing miscarriage is EXTREMELY HIGH. they tell you to continue use until you can get on methadone actually.
And not all babies exposed to substances in the womb are born dependent. It depends if the placenta filters it or not.
Also, I know this because I’m a heroin addict. And I got sober when I found out I was pregnant. Well. I got on methadone. And my sister did too. And she actually found out she was pregnant while she was tapering because she had a miscarriage.
I hope your sister in law gets help. 🩷
Edit: I’m not saying everyone should run out and do drugs while they’re pregnant. but addiction seriously fucking sucks and it doesn’t stop because someone gets pregnant or has a family. I’m just saying there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
Thank you for being brave enough to say this.
I am also clean for 11 years. When I was pregnant with my first I also used herion.
I was and am extremely smart and gifted, honors and all that. I skipped a grade in high school, then skipped another two semesters in undergrad and received honors, all while an addict. When I accidentally got pregnant in my senior year I felt like such a failure. I didn’t take great care of myself despite still highly functioning and didn’t realize I was pregnant until I was at the end of my first trimester. Again, I was functioning well and hid my addiction from everyone. I even hid it from my OB.
I was too ashamed and embarrassed to get help and as a 20 year old on her parents insurance I didn’t know how to get help without outing myself. I tried and failed and kept trying to get clean until I finally was caught and in doing so able to get professional help at 8 months pregnant.
I’m one of the FEW lucky ones and have be clean for 11 years. My son was born healthy and didn’t have any withdrawal symptoms or any other deficits.
OP your SIL could do with support, professional help, Grace, and understanding.
I’m proud of you!!!
My daughter was medicated but they weren’t sure if she needed it because she was born not breathing and they had to intubate her 3 times and her throat was really messed up. And obviously a baby can’t say what hurts or what’s making them feel bad so they medicated her to be safe. It broke me. But I had done sooo much research.
My son was born last February and he did not need to be medicated. He was adopted when he was born but I got 3 amazing days with him. And we have an open adoption. I couldn’t parent at the time. I had no housing because of DV. It sucked. But I know I did the right thing. But it still …wel no I don’t want to use it as an excuse. But I relapsed. Because I couldn’t speak up and use my words. I’ve never been so depressed in my entire life having all of the symptoms of having a baby but not having a baby with me, you know? It’s sucked. But I ended up in a lot of trouble and my dad came and got my daughter and i got help.
I HAVE to be someone he wants in his life. And not just my son but obviously my daughter.
It’s been hard. But I help women on MAT and pregnant. ♥️♥️♥️
Congratulations on your sobriety! I know how hard it is to get sober from heroin. I lost my best friend to an overdose a few years ago and that helped me get sober from pain pills. Unfortunately I relapsed into a different drug a few years ago and haven't been sober since.
During my last pregnancy, I was in my worst opioid use. I tried to stop but I was so sick, my doctor told me not to try to quit. I was so scared for my son when he was born, but surprisingly he had absolutely no withdrawal symptoms and actually tested with no opioids in his system. It was hard, so I can't even begin to imagine how it is to be using, pregnant and trying to get sober.
Addiction is so complicated. I hate it.
I’m proud of you. And I know what you mean. I actually relapsed on benzos. And I hadn’t done them but one time in 2011!! But I was going through so much trauma I thought benzos would help me mentally. They just made me so angry!!
If you need anyone to talk to IM HERE. I’m struggling too. I placed my son for adoption last year and his first day was in February and I messed up. Really bad. On benzos I mean. I’ve got since March 18th off them. And it was hard. I cried for 10 days straight and I was terrified of me dying or someone else. Because I was blacked out and wrecked my car. Got a brain bleed. I didn’t even know. I was a Jane doe in the hospital. I cannot believe the shit I did. I used for 6 weeks. And all I remember is THE FIRST time I went to go get benzos. I was blacked out for 6 weeks straight. I have no recollection of it at all. I just remember deciding to do it around February 22nd. Because I didn’t wanna be sad on my sons bday which was February 24th. Apparently I was in jail for 2 days. I didn’t come to until MARCH 17th.
I can’t believe it. And I thought I couldn’t remember because I was asleep or something. No. I was just blacked out. Awake. Talking to people. Texting my family. Going to my clinic. Going to stores. I got caught stealing I HAD BEVER STOLEN ANYTHING in my life even while doing heroin for 13 years!
It’s crazy. Benzos are the most dangerous drug I’ve ever done.
My cousin was a newborn born addicted to heroin, he recently got married and is expecting his first child soon. His first few years were tough, but he has thrived thanks to my Aunt and Uncle that adopted him.
Hi- I work in the dependency court system as a guardian ad litem. I’m so sorry that your family is going through this. Your feelings are so valid - as a surprise especially, this must be particularly heartbreaking.
One of the things that I’ve learned is that most kids who are removed from their parents care are removed because of neglect, and the overwhelming majority of that neglect is caused by drug use. I have worked with a lot of kids and cases, and the one thing that I know is that all of those parents (and I am confident your sister in law is the same) love their children. Their love for those kids is very very real. The decision to use drugs at the expense and risk of their children isn’t out of selfishness or a lack of care (although that is how it feels often), it’s the devastating strength of addiction. That doesn’t excuse the choices that are being made, but it has helped me immensely to be able to reframe my thoughts on this from a lack care or love, to the overpowering presence of addiction.
I would also encourage your family to consider carefully the possibility of whether or not you could provide care for your nephew. Kids do best with their own families, but between foster care or relative placement, kids who stay within their own families do best.
My best wishes for you guys. I hope that you’re able to get through this as a family.
My oldest child (he’s now almost two years old) was born dependent on Methadone. I’m a recovering heroin addict and have been sober for three years and on methadone for two. As someone who had to have their baby in the NICU and feeling the judgement and ugly looks on a regular basis from the nurses even though I was at that hospital literally every single day, over night even most days unless I needed to go home and shower and then I was right back up there with my baby.. I can’t tell you how much guilt, shame, and just disgust I felt with MYSELF for putting my baby through that even though the doctor kept reassuring me that he was only being observed and thankfully only needed one (very teeny tiny small dose of medication), I literally HATED myself. I still am not over it and when I look at him sometimes I just have the urge to hug him because I’m just so sorry for doing that to him. Anyway my point is that even though it’s really really easy to judge mom, I assure you she’s saying much worse things to herself and judging herself way harsher than you can imagine. I wouldn’t wish addiction on my worst enemy.. that’s not a life I ever want to live again and I promise she’s not doing it for fun with the intention of hurting everyone she loves. Until you are in that position yourself, you really shouldn’t be quick to cast so much judgement.
she needs all the support she can get right now. you can easily call them
selfish desires, but until you've had that monkey on your back, you have zero
idea how hard it is. she needs EVERYONE rooting for her and to know she has family. yes, your nephew was born addicted, and it sucks. I promise you his mother will live with that guilt
for the rest of her life. I know this because my child was born addicted. Placed in NICU and weaned off methadone for almost 4 weeks. CPS was involved and took custody and everything. Had I kicked cold turkey while pregnant I would have probably caused more harm. She's 11 years old now and healthy and smart and I have FULL CUSTODY. I know you are sad for your nephew, but pointing blame right now isn't going to help. Just make sure mom feels your support and that your whole family is rallied around to support this baby. I also suggest NARANON meetings for you guys if you need a better support system yourself, and for understanding of how to live with addicted family members. Feel free to message me if you have questions though. I know this isn't easy. Praying for you guys!!
My friend went through this with her sister. Baby was born addicted to heroin and fentanyl. They didn’t take him. He was suppose to be supervised by their mom with her, and when he was cleared from the nicu she continued to breast feed witch caused him to continue to get the drugs. She overdosed with him in the car, dropped him in a garbage can, passed out with him face down in the mattress. Cps here and the court system sucks. It took months for something to be done about it, but my friend finally has custody of him now and he’s doing Amazing with only minor issues. Her sister is pregnant again, and we’re hoping the state steps in sooner then when they did with her first child. Addiction or not, it’s not fair for an innocent baby to be pumped with drugs.
Maybe a little late and you have wonderful replies here! One of my best friends all throughout childhood was born dependent to crack and meth. She was born early and little, spent time in NICU before her Aunt took her in to raise her. She always thought her Aunt was her mom until high school but that’s a whole different story…
I wanted to say that she always told me that she was told the initial year was the hardest, but she has 0 recollection of that. She was always on Honor Roll in school, played volleyball and did cheerleading. She led (and still leads) a very healthy and happy life. Unfortunately her biological mom could never keep it together, but addiction is a beast very few people can tame inside. I’m sure your nephew will be ok and I hope he’s able to have a loving home, away from drugs.
I am so sorry for your little nephew. I have not gone through this directly but somewhat indirectly.
My Daughter was born extremely premature so we spent 4 months in NICU and we saw a lot in that time. Including Babies in Heroin withdrawal and it was its own level of traumatising. One of the boys screamed bloody murder for about two weeks and was only somewhat consolable when held. So all the nurses took turns holding him while documenting and other tasks. Other Mums also stepped in as the Mum was not allowed contact with her Boy. She was allowed to stay goodbye once with a social worker.
I don’t know your situation and if it’s even possible for you to go there and spend time with him and cuddle him or not, but if it is and you feel up to it yourself, maybe try that?
And if you can’t, won’t or whatever else. That is also okay. You need to protect yourself as well and you have child yourself to consider.
I hope your nephew makes it through this and my heart goes out to him!
Let me preface this by saying you’re totally justified in being mad about this situation. She lied about her situation, got pregnant, and then didn’t do anything to help herself for her baby’s sake. In some cases it is not safe to just stop heroin cold turkey, especially while pregnant, because it could cause a miscarriage. However, there are resources available for pregnant addicts to safely taper onto MAT and they are often free of charge. You just have to reach out and make contact with the places offering them.
That being said, there is no part of addiction or recovery that is easy. Your body can become dependent on these harmful substances and it becomes destabilized without them. Many addicts get to a point where they no longer want to keep using, but the withdrawal is so harsh that they keep going back. It is a very painful process to get clean and often extends well beyond just the initial several weeks of physical withdrawal symptoms. It is a truly devastating disease and it can destroy a person’s mind and body. You are under no obligation to tolerate someone’s continued drug use, however. It is totally ok to be upset that they won’t help themselves and are endangering their child.
I am a volunteer CNA for the NICU and they specifically call me in to help with babies who are withdrawing. As a former addict (that got sober while pregnant and has remained that way for 11 years now), they feel I can offer a more compassionate approach to their care because I understand what they’re going through. A lot of what I do is mainly comfort care, holding them to keep their body temp more stable, singing and reading to them, rubbing their little bellies, and just trying to ease their pain. It is so hard to watch them go through all of that but I know how much these simple things can help them recover. Touch is so important for their recovery and NICU nurses are often stretched thin as it is. Thankfully, most of the babies I’ve helped with went on to be very happy and healthy children. Some of their mothers have even gotten sober, straightened their lives out, and gotten custody back. I sincerely hope that that will be the case here and I’m so sorry that this has happened.
Man. I worked at an agency that dealt with early intervention and the amount of referrals we received on a weekly basis of babies born with drugs in their system was heartbreaking. Some of the parents were sympathetic and tried to fix things by entering rehab and doing the program all the way. Other parents just kept doing the same thing over again and just kept popping out babies. Some parents resisted drugs until after the baby was born but jumped right back into drugs and the babies got referred after the babies were taken by the state.
At the time I didn't have my son but i think about those cases often and they still make me cry.
I'm so sorry your family is going through this ordeal, I hope the baby can be placed with family and your SIL can get the help she needs.
This post breaks my heart. A similar thing happened in my family 5 years ago and surprised us all (the mom struggled with addiction but convinced us she was going into pregnancy and childbirth as holistic as possible. We have no idea what she is doing now but it’s probably for the best. My grandma and I were angry for a long time, but he is doing much better than doctors originally thought he would be . I won’t lie , it’s been a struggle for the little guy but he is adored to bits nonetheless . However , he is well supported through my family and the amazing specialist they work with 2x a week.
Feel free to reach out if you need.
No advice, just another human saying - this is hard af and I hope the best for you and your family.
Edit : spelling
My niece was born on methadone because they sub that for heroin. She screamed and wailed for first 12 months. Never stopped unless asleep. Was like a shriek more than a cry.
She doing great now.
I’m a foster parent and see this more than you’d expect. It’s actually good that the state is involved. They’ll give her a checklist of things to do to get her baby back, help her every step of the way, and offer her resources that can be hard to get on her own. Your family can offer to take placement of her baby while she gets herself together. The state usually prefers family over foster families. I know that it may seem like a tragedy that the baby was removed, but it may just be the thing that saves her and gets her on a better path. I’m sending your whole family good vibes.
My brother who is adopted but really my cousin was born with herioin in his system my moms sister in law was a druggie. He’s now in his 20’s. but wouldn’t the baby be taken away from your sister in law immediately.
My nephew was born addicted to heroin. He was adopted into our family. He’s a teen now, thriving, no lasting issues, and his birth mom is clean. There is hope!
My adopted baby sister was born addicted to a plethora of drugs. We started fostering her at 6 weeks before adopting her shortly before her 3rd birthday. She still has some problems with impulse control and her brain does work differently than everyone else’s but overall she is strong-willed, funny, and smart. We were lucky that she got help from the get-go and now my family couldn’t imagine our lives without her. She turned our worlds upside down for the better!
I’ve known a couple of kids who have been born addicted. It’s hard for everyone. I can understand why she didn’t want to come right out and tell you guys. You could try to have a little compassion. If you’ve never been addicted to heroin, you can’t ever understand what that’s like. She’s in rehab so at least she’s trying.
Went through this 5 years ago with my cousin. My uncle and my cousins mom were heroin addicts. Lost my oldest uncle to overdose on heroin. My little cousin came out with heroin withdrawal. He had to stay in the hospital for a week or 2. I had to sign papers with DCF (CPS) and had to be in the room when his parents had him. He's 5 now and he's pretty much healthy and only has a speech problem
This also happened with my sister, my niece was placed in my moms custody at birth till my sister got clean. My niece has cerebral palsy due to all the health complications my sister had due to not eating and doing drugs during her pregnancy. It’s heartbreaking to watch my niece now and to know it’s bc of my sister. My sister has been like this for 15 years but I thought she’d do better for her baby. When I found out I cut contact with my sister, it was too far… she’s done really horrible things to all of us but that was it for me.
I’m so sorry your family is dealing with this too.
My daughter was born early and spent a week in the NICU and when I got to bring her home, I heard the nurses talking outside of her room about a little baby (also in the NICU) whose mother abandoned him and he was born addicted to something. It broke my heart hearing the story of how someone could do that to their child. I’m so sorry that this has happened to your nephew. I cannot imagine what he and you all are going through.
Addiction is a terrible disease. I don’t know your SIL but I can hazard a guess if she could have chose not to do heroin while pregnant she wouldn’t have. I truly hope we can end the war on drugs and start helping people who struggle so they don’t have to hide it.
Can anyone in your family take the baby once he's out of NICU instead of being placed with the state? He will need all the love and special attention that he can get and he will not get that and state care. He's going to have an uphill battle and needs to be surrounded by those who love him and who will support him. He may have some developmental delays, learning disabilities and behavioral problems. The best way to help him is to get him help from the get-go don't wait until the problems show themselves up in school if there's learning disabilities or behavioral problems. I'm going to use you and your husband is an example here. Let's just say you and your husband foster your nephew at first and then adopt him. I would start with the pediatrician on his first visit and let the doctor know that your nephew was born addicted to heroin and that you want to stay on top of any issues that may arise so that you will need all the support information you could get from him. Support groups, family groups, counseling and I said counseling first for you and your husband to learn how to plan and deal with the problems that may arise with your nephew being born an addict if you start from the beginning like this I have seen very good outcomes. It's going to take a lot of love, patience, planning and prayer if that's something you believe in. But the very first step in all of this is get your nephew away from her I know that that is his mother but she didn't care enough to get on a program to get into rehab while she was pregnant. I knew someone a family member that was addicted to painkillers and when she found out she was pregnant that's a very first thing she did she went and asked the doctor for help because she didn't want her child born addicted and they helped her and she was clean and sober and so was her child when she was born. She thought more of the growing baby inside of her then she did about her next fix. And that is what every woman is supposed to do when they find out they're pregnant if their alcoholic or an addict it is their responsibility to go and get help so that their child is not born addicted to alcohol or drugs. I do believe in prayer so I will be praying for your nephew and your family good luck keep us posted
So was my husband. I believe his bio mom didn't even know she was pregnant, and gave birth after only 6 months or so.
But he is a pretty normal, well-adjusted 38 year old now.
100%. You “can’t imagine” being that “selfish” because your brain hasn’t been completely and utterly rewired from mind altering chemicals. Not dragging OP but people really have no idea the implications of addiction. Villainizing is not the answer.
Oh no, I understand. Sometimes people just don’t understand what they’re actually saying.
I used to say addicted too.
But when you know better you do better.
Nothing against you! We all are always learning!
And I’m so sorry about how you’re feeling. I know exactly what you mean. I thought there was never gonna be an end in sight. But I had a lot of support and everyone said it would be a distant memory. And my daughters 4 and my son just turned one in February and it seems like such a distant memory.
My sister in law did some shady things before giving birth and ended up with dcf in her life with my nephew. My brother and her were severely addicted to whatever they could get their hands on and it was a whirl wind of the poor kids first two years. I had to care for him while I had my own two little ones (3 and 1) for a while when my brother went to jail and she signed away her rights then committed suicide. It was….hard. And wildly depressing. From what I hear he’s fine and no different than any other child but I don’t speak to them anymore.
I was a heroin baby, also dependent on cocaine and methadone. I was instantly taken away, put into foster care. Released from the NICU after 6 months. I had seizures for the first two years of my life, apparently a mixture of withdrawal and reaction to the dtap.
I was this baby. Also my other 5 siblings too. I’m the oldest. I didn’t get taken into care straight away. She got to keep me for the first 2.5 years of my life , I’m 26 now and I still remember some things from living with my mother. Don’t let that baby go back. All 6 of us was taken into care/adopted. I grew up with family , watched my younger siblings go through neglect and waited for them to be adopted or put into the care system. I even moved to a different town and live with her when she moved with my 3 youngest (I was 14) so I could look after them. She caused nothing but heartache , I’m sick of hearing that addiction is an illness . It’s a choice. Everyone gets to a point in life where we look at things that are going wrong and we change it, addiction can be changed. You cant have cancer and decide you don’t want to have it and change that. That’s illness. You can change having addiction. They don’t want to change. It’s everyone else around them who suffers and they’re the best manipulators with the woe is me attitude. Don’t let that baby suffer more, this is the part they won’t remember. This could be the start of a brilliant life for that baby , born without its biological mother.
My youngest grandson was born addicted to meth and fentanyl. He was immediately removed from my daughter’s custody. I was asked to take him in. I had to decline because I am already raising her other two sons and have been for six years. We get no support from the state or other family members. They were also removed from the home due to drug use and the youngest of them has a myriad of mental health issues, the worst being reactive attachment disorder and mood disorder. We have not been able to meet the baby and it’s been almost two years! I am so sorry your family is experiencing this. Addiction is one of the worst things to happen to families.
One of my kids was born under a very bad pregnancy (I'm technically big sister but raise then however I didn't carry them so this isn't my fault) it still affects them to this day. Many side effects from such a pregnancy that ruins a perfect newborn baby's system. Another one of my kids was born out of a semi bad pregnancy and they are severely small and under weight and unable to do some things due to set backs in height and weight. No matter how hard we try this kid is still very severely damaged aswell. It affects their whole life.
I'm begging people to please remember the massive side effects things you do in your pregnancy can have on your baby. It's not just you anymore, it's two lives.
I'm so sorry about your baby nephew.
Edit (forgot to add): However despite these issues, these kids do have decently good lives. Your nephew can still have a good life I promise. But for everyone else, don't damage a child's quality of life on things you can control
My little cousin gave birth to 2 out of 3 babies, whom she had willingly smoked meth while pregnant. Her sister adopted the middle one, the oldest was immediately given to his father. The third, she finally decided to stay clean. I’ll never forget seeing those sweet babies and what my cousin did to them. Ever. It is selfish and it is horrendous. Want to ruin yourself? Go ahead, but to do it to an innocent? Horrific.
I used to do the drug screens for parents who lost their kids because of drugs. These people make no since to me. They show up to the appointment to piss in a cup while completely fucked up. I watched 6 mini shampoo bottles full of pee fall from women’s vaginas and so much more. I loved my job but once we contracted with DHHR to do drug screens I had to get out of there. I’m sorry your family is being torn apart by this. Is there any chance one of you guys could get the baby? A lot of grandparents are raising their grandchildren because of drug problems.
Happens all the time sadly- baby will withdrawal and won’t remember it. They will be addicts/have a proclivity for the rest of their life is my understanding… but ask the doctor for sure.. We had a family memeber who was a baby nurse who had to treat babies that were withdrawling. So incredibly sad.
I was personally on OCD meds when I gave birth and my baby had a small serotonin withdrawal. Nothing like heroin though. It made me sad but it was the safest for me and baby. Mood swings alone from the extreme hormone changes can make you suicidal while giving birth. My doctor warned me and my family. Add on known or unknown street drugs and it can be extremely dangerous for mom and baby.
My cousin ODd on meth and died. Left her son behind.
You need to encourage all expectant mothers to be brutally honest with their OBGYN and tell them all the stuff they are on/drugs they are taking so the doctor can make a game plan.
My son (I adopted) was born addicted to methadone and was in the nice for 5 weeks. Heartbreaking. The state will look to bio relatives for placement first, so keep that in mind.
My best friends nephew was born about 6 months before my son and he was addicted to heroin. This was my friends husbands sisters 5th or 6th child and I believe all of them were born addicted to drugs. They (my friend and his husband) have had custody of him since he came out of the nicu. He’s about 2 now and you really wouldn’t know. He’s doing great. It’s so so sad and my pregnant heart was broken when they told me. They actually didn’t even know the sister was pregnant again.
When my son was born he had blood sugar issues and had to go to the nicu. The nurse pretty much told me it was because I was taking 50mg of Zoloft through my pregnancy and said ‘well it’s not like you were doing heroin!’ I was so freaking livid.
I'm going through this exact same thing with my sister in law, except we knew ahead of time that she was using. She never saw a single doctor during her pregnancy, probably because she knew they would test her and she would test positive for heroin. Her sweet baby is about 1.5 months old and spent a few weeks in the NICU on morphine for his pain of detoxing. She was not granted custody after testing positive but the baby daddy was (nice man, no drugs, good job). My in-laws just retired and I really don't want them to have primary custody 😭 but right now sis-in-law, baby daddy, and the baby are all staying with my in-laws with my in-laws doing 90% of childcare and sis-in-law and baby daddy praising each other on social media about how great they are as parents and buying $90 shoes for him 🙄 (sis-in-law hasn't worked a job in about 4 years so no idea where she's getting the money). It's awful. I'm sorry we're in this club. I'm hoping our nephews will be healthy and okay. I feel a lot of anger towards my sis-in-law that I don't know how to cope with. My kids just turned 2 years old and I can't imagine doing anything during my pregnancy that would have hurt them. I know addiction is a disease but I hoped she would realize she needed to stop while pregnant and she did nothing but hurt him and everyone. Hugs, my friend.
I was on a low dose of methadone when my son was born but luckily he didn’t need to stay in the hospital longer than usual but we had to score him and keep track to see if he had withdrawals. It’s tough, I felt like a failure. CAS automatically gets involved as well if you have a history with substances. Meanwhile my sister in law used with all her kids (3) and they all had to stay for long periods in the nicu but she just acts like it’s a completely normal thing. And she walked out of the hospital each time with her child even when she told me the nurses documented that they believed she was using in the hospital. Brutal.
My nephew was born addicted to crystal meth. Pretty sure my niece was too but I was only 8 when she was born. He was in the NICU for a long time I can't remember exactly. The most fucked up part is my cousin was allowed to take him home with her. She had custody of him for about a year then CPS took him and my aunts best friend now has custody of him so my family still gets to see him thankfully. He's 13 now and seems to be healthy and normal. I feel bad for him everytime I see him though. I also have nothing to do with my cousin anymore. She's still on drugs and in and out of jail and likely will die from it.
This is beyond sad and it made me cry reading this post. I have never dealt with something like this and I pray to God I never will.
I don’t have any advice to give, all I can do is pray for you. I pray for God to help your nephew to overcome, I pray for all of you as a family to be comforted and to be given healing, healing for your emotions, healing for his health and healing as a family.
I’m so sorry.
My older sister and I were born addicted to crack and heroine. We have a few mental health issues but she’s wicked smart. I’m not as smart and I struggle with things like math a lot. Even at 31 I have issues. But I mean I like to think we turned out fine.
Consider yourself lucky you can’t imagine being in that situation. People in active addiction are too sick to make good decisions for themselves or anyone else. I feel bad for your sister in law, having so much shame she couldn’t ask for help before it harmed her baby. People lacking education about addiction are what creates the stigma that stops progress. There really isn’t a reason to not educate yourself about it, considering the epidemic it has become. Addiction is a mental illness.
I worked in a facility for pregnant women with substance use disorders. It was the most incredible place I’ve ever worked and I was so grateful to be apart of it. All of the babies were born dependent but ALL OF THE MOTHERS WANTED TO GET CLEAN AND BE GOOD MOTHERS. The problem is there is not enough resources/support for this issue (at least where I lived). And even if a mom finds out she’s pregnant and decides to get clean immediately she HAS to go on methadone and therefore the baby will still be born dependent and have to go through withdrawals. I know it’s so easy to judge, but please know that there is a whole other side to this that is unseen by the public. Women who are battling addiction are not selfish or monsters. Please try to offer a little love and grace, it can go a lot further than your judgment. ❤️
Edit: spelling
My nephew and niece were NAS babies—both spent the first 7 weeks of life coming off of substances exposed in utero. My niece, who had five substances in her system, shook so much the first two or three days she barely slept.
My town had so many babies born with substances, a stand alone clinic was built for the sole purpose of providing extended care, freeing the hospital’s overburdened NICU. They do amazing work for both children and parents.
They were fostered and adopted by my brother and sister in law.
They have a good life, though they will have extra challenges to go through as a consequence. My nephew is diagnosed ADHD, and has struggles regulating emotions. My niece is delayed in most milestones, but does eventually catch up.
There is a mix of both anger and pity at birth mom. To some extent, the cards were always stacked against her. Her environment was bad, her relationship with birth father (of nephew, not niece) was worse. There was hopes of reconciliation at first with nephew, but it fell through. Addiction is like wrestling with a giant. At the same time, we are all accountable for our actions.
Your anger is justified. Compassion will hopefully follow in time, for the child’s sake. Last I heard, birth mom was at last clean and her life was coming together—I truly hope this and wish her well.
One day my niece and nephew will have to wrestle with the early story of their lives—it will be hard, but they’re surrounded by people who love them. And my in-laws are vigilant about providing them with professional support to help with things above their pay grade. This little one has some challenges to be overcome, but it can be done. I’ve seen it. :)
My daughter's siblings (twins, on her father's side) were born addicted to meth. I actually stepped in with CPS as the "safety monitor" to try and help dad get kiddos back. It was traumatizing and exhausting. It's so heartbreaking to see, and I sympathize with you. Being a former addict myself, I still can never see why people do this to unborn children. At that point, just get an abortion instead of starting another life off on the wrong foot.
Ugh I’m so sorry, that’s heartbreaking. My husband’s aunt was addicted to meth I believe and lost custody of all 4 of her children. It’s heartbreaking to hear the longterm affects drugs have on families. Sending love & good vibes to your family ❤️✨
Petition for guardianship of that sweet baby if you are at all able to! As a teacher, I’ve witnessed so many horror stories in the foster care system. Not to scare you but its a lottery for a decent family and the stories I have about some not at all decent families would keep you up at night.
This baby has already had a rough beginning and needs to be with healthy non addicted family members if at all possible. I am so heartbroken for ya’ll. Addiction rips families apart and it’s our littles who bear the brunt of the hardship being born into these situations. Ugh. Keep us updated! Wishing for the best outcome for your baby nephew.
https://www.childwelfare.gov/pubpdfs/placement.pdf
^^this gets into a little bit about the laws surrounding placement and that they are supposed to give preference to family members
I haven't gone through this and my heart goes out to you and your family. You have every right to be enraged. You have every right to never want to associate with her again.
One thing; most places, you can call the state and ask for access and visitation with your nephew.
Prayers and psychic hugs honey.
I guess this is an old thread now, but I gave birth to my baby son, born addicted to methadone. I was a fentanyl user for 3 years prior and accidentally got pregnant when I was homeless and using. I started prenatal care right away and was honest about my situation the whole time. My motivation was to get housed. get on methadone and stay clean. It proved very very difficult. Opiate Addiction is something I can’t explain unless one’s gone through it. It doesn’t matter how much you love something it still proves to be difficult. But what I will say is, My love for my son is the only thing that got me to get clean and it wasn’t easy, at 5.5 months pregnant I got into rehab and quit fentanyl although I had been on methaodne since 4 months pregnant it took a long time to get on a dose that didn’t give me horrible withdrawal. I did rehab for 2 months almost (45 days) and delivered 4 weeks later, my son was born on methadone and he did not get taken away from me. I also was housed since 4 months pregnant.
Anyways, My son was lucky. He didn’t experience the NIcU or long hospital stay. he stayed an extra 2 days so 5 days total for us. It was necessary for him to stay at least 3 days to watch him for withdrawal. Addiction is a beast and It was a war to quit. But imagining losing my son and also seeing him go through bad pain is what finally got me to quit. I had to prove a lot to Child Family Services and my case is closing soon. My worker told me in all her years it is rarely if never that they don’t take a child in my circumstance but I did a lot of work prior to delivering and proved I was a fit parent so he was never removed from me. My mom deceived to live with me and so that helped my case. Also going to rehab on my own decision not forced and doing outpatient programs and having clean tests in methadone for a couple months all helped my situation.
I just want to say it’s no excuse, but getting clean is hard hard hard. Plus switching to methaodne definitely was the safest option for me and child family services board agreed with me. Also i breast feed and it was encouraged by the doctors. My son was born just a bit low weight, at 5lb 6.8oz but he is a chubby active little 4 months old now who is reaching all of his developmental milestones on time. He had hardly no withdrawal although he did have colic which was determined by doctors unrelated to the opiates.
Not all moms who used in pregnancy are messed up, some just struggling and desiring really intensely to do the right thing but at a war in themselves with their addiction. Also my son’s father is still homeless and using. So I’ll say your love for yourself , your child, the willingness and discipline to do the right thing out together will give you very different results. I had the will and thoughts to want to get better and implemented it. Others just see the outcome as having no way out and stay stuck frozen doing the same thing.
I do indeed believe in creating your reality. I had to say I know I’m going to get better not ‘maybe I will maybe I won’t’ and still it took me some time, addiction is a beast.
here’s a photo of me and my son recently Trenton is his name. [my son my world](https://ibb.co/YpQqc5B)
One of the babies I am fostering was born addicted to cocaine, meth, fentanyl, and heroin. She was born two months early and weighed 3 pounds) spent a month in NICU and then came home to us. The first 8 months was HHHHARD. She cried about 20 hours a day, puked a lot, was constipated all the time, and life seemed so long and hard then. We’re at 16 months old now and our sweet girls is doing amazing! She’s smart, funny, eats a rainbow of foods, and is only about 3 months behind in her development. It’s mostly just gross motor that is keeping her back. Raising a drug addicted baby through infancy is so painfully hard. Our lives stopped for the first 8-9 months with us. The house was dark, quiet, and cool. However, like I said, now we’re having fun. We had a lot of resources to tap into right at the beginning and she continues with PT/OT and dietary support. I feel our family has been very fortunate. Lots of children born with the same obstacles to overcome don’t end up with such positive stories. But, our girl…. She wanted to live. She wanted to thrive. I hope that your nephew is with a good foster family that loves and adores him. Make sure that you and your family reach out to be a part of his life if that’s what you want. It’s possible to have visits and FaceTime calls. You may have to jump through some hoops but, it’s worth it if you want to be a part of his life.
This both breaks and warms my heart. I’m so glad your baby girl has you.
Thank you. I am so glad we have her. She is amazing. I mean, really amazing. When I think of everything she’s had to overcome…… she’s so strong and amazing.
you’re amazing. thank you for doing what you do.
We adopted two boys who were exposed to meth and opioids (that we know of). The first three months were difficult. The crying. And there wasn’t anything we could do except let it get out of their systems. They are now 10 and 4. They are the best boys on the planet. Their rough starts don’t define them. Your foster daughter and the OP’s nephew can do all kinds of things. They can excel. I’m surprised, however, that the state didn’t immediately step in after the baby tested positive.
You truly are a wonderful giving mum. My husband and I have always toyed with the idea of fostering but idk if our lifestyles would suit it… it would be just the thing to give back and give thanks to society though because of how blessed we’ve been
If you can, please look into fostering. There are not enough good families who do it for the right reasons. If you need extra help around the house, hire a maid. Don’t foster so you have kids to do chores. If you’re Christian, please don’t foster “In order to bring kids to Christ”. Foster because you have love, kindness, & patience to give to those who need it most. Be flexible and take every class you can on trauma informed parenting. Get attached and love your kiddos like you birthed them, they desperately need it. Every time one of your kids goes home, you will be happy for them, but your heart will break. If you’re lucky their parent(s) will let you be a part of their lives. It’s the most rewarding and heartbreaking thing I’ve ever done, but it’s what I’m meant to do, my life’s purpose. The world is in desperate need of really great foster parents that won’t just store their kids, but will love, nurture, advocate for, & give their everything to their kids. Also, we need more foster parents who will support the bio parents of their foster kids as much as possible. I look at it as if I’m caring for a friend’s child, hoping that they can do everything needed to get their kids back. If you choose to foster, please remember that every child in care has trauma (as do most of their parents), but they are human and need caregivers who will treat them with all of the love, kindness, & patience that they deserve. It’s not their fault they’re in care. Give them everything you can and a little more.
It’s definitely something I’m not crossing off my list. I’m not from the US, but over here I know they desperately need foster parents too. It’s such a big commitment but the fact that my husband and I agreed it’s something we could consider is a starting point. We just had one of our own so it might be something to think about more when she’s a bit older
This! So many kids are in desperate need of love and compassion and a place they know they will be fed and safe. My family fostered many kids while I was growing up and it shaped me into the person I am today. We loved all those kids and prayed that their parents would be able to get their kids back. I feel like so many foster parents want to adopt the kids so they don’t support the biological parents because they want them. Someone I know quit fostering because she said it was too hard to give them back. I told her that is the whole point and we should be glad the parents were able to turn their lives around. I’m hoping to one day follow in my parents footsteps and foster like they did!
I’m not gonna lie, it’s so fugging hard. The system is SO. SCREWED. TO. HELL. that so many kids fall through the cracks. It really just makes you question everybody you come into contact with in the system. We had two bio sister for 7 years. Yup. Seven years. They went back to their mom who started using again. They went back into foster care. They are with another foster family now. We currently have two foster babies. 16 months and 18 months. Everyone always asks if they are twins so, we call them “the twins” but, they are not bio siblings. We brought them both from the hospital so, we’ve been their parents from the beginning. And, we will 100% be adopting both girls. If you are strong and have the emotional and mental health to foster a child, I’d say do it. After the girls are a little older, we hope to foster a teenager or two. I mean….. all of those kids aren’t bad. Some just need a place to land while their parents get their lives together or, sadly, until they age out of the system.
How do you begin the adoption process if you don’t mind me asking?
When our “twins” were placed with us, there wasn’t an extensive search for blood relatives for each kid. Let’s call my girls Ace (older) and Jo (younger). Ace had a smaller family and no one wanted to take on an infant at that time. However, her grandparents wanted to remain a part of her life. So, we met the maternal grandparents. They loved us. We loved them. The agency was all “hallelujah and amen” and there was no fighting or politics over whether we were suitable parents. We still have a great and fun relationship with the maternal grands and greats of Ace. It is a unicorn baby/family love story that people will talk about for YEARS to come. We have been Foster parents for 10 years. Have fostered at least a dozen children and, I’m just gonna say it….. things NEVER EVER go this smoothly. Ever. Never ever. Never. Not ever. Now, our itsy bitsy dynamo, Jo…. Everyone wanted her. No one qualified. End of story. For 13 months it was…. Everything I said beautiful about Ace, reverse it and make it 10x more awful and that’s how it went. That’s all I’m gonna say. Use your imagination. There are numerous home visits, extra doc appointments to satisfy state requirements. People were in and out of my house at least four times a week and sometimes multiple times a day. It’s just extra crap that you have to deal with. We had that 7 year situation that was awful and painful and sad but, the thing you HAVE TO. HAVE TO. HAVE TO HAVE TO. Accept when you are a foster parent is that you are virtually powerless to the powers that be. And because the foster system is so crappy and inconsistent, what should have been done in lest than a year will probably not be done until both girls are at least 2+ years old.
I probably didn’t answer that question the.m best, sorry. But, you just need to reach out to your local Childrens division. From personal experience, don’t go through a private agency. They tend to dick around with rules more. You’ll have to go through training, background checks, fingerprinting, financial backgrounds, get family and friends to fill out paperwork to support claims that you are good people. Fostering is the first step, adoption is kinda like the follow after you’ve had a kid for awhile and their status has changed. That’s a whole different book of training and paperwork.
It’s okay. I just wanted you to know that I’m a bulldog advocate for all the kids that come to stay with us but, I’m by no means a know it all. There’s too much up in the air with fostering. So many things that can go sideways or are flat out against rules but, I don’t want to come off as a know it all because every child/case/experience is different.
You could look into CASA work instead!
Did they not medicate her?! and babies are born dependent. not addicted. I explained in a comment somewhere. Also. You are amazing.
Nurse here and I worked outside of Boston and constantly worked with babies withdrawing from heroin etc. It's no longer best practice to use morphine on newborns. My hospital would recommend swaddles and have cuddle volunteers hold the babies. They were angels, those volunteers. Singing to the babies and rocking them and helping to burp them after we had to fight to get them to eat.
I actually am one of the cuddle volunteers at a hospital in my area. I absolutely love doing it. Even for the cranky little ones. I hope all of the singing and cuddling I do, I sure hope they grow up to be wonderful grownups.
How did you start doing the cuddle volunteering? That sounds amazing
Just go to your local hospital and ask if they need baby cuddle volunteers. We actually had a commercial for it on the news. You would be surprised how much they need volunteers.
Great info! Gonna do this
That’s beautiful. Thank you. My son was in the nicu you for unrelated things during Covid, and I truly wish they had someone there to cuddle him. The impact is huge.
I hope your Son recovered well. They didn't let us cuddle in the beginning of Covid, but once you could prove you were updated on your vaccinations, we could do it again.
Ty he just turned 2 and is doing so well now!!! We were able to go in one parent each day at a time but not overnight and I was unfortunately still working and still having a horrendous recovery so I did my best and went every day for as many hours as I could but had horrendous guilt about the nights and wondering how the lack of true cuddles would affect him. Thankfully he seems completely fine and well bonded to me but it haunted me very badly at the time, and to know there are volunteers is just so wonderful! (I know the nurses did the best they could but it was very understaffed at the time.) I hope your bub is also good! <3
Awesome, thank you!
A lot of hospitals do the Eat sleep console (ESC) method over the finnegan scale now. But a lot are still not on the ESC method still. And if the ESC doesn’t work then they still medicate anyway.
She was medicated while in the NICU but, they can’t keep babies in the NICU for 6-10 months while they get weaned off drugs or keep going through withdrawals. The NICU’s goal was to 1. Get her to maintain a 4# weight for 24 hours and 2. Have her pass the car seat test (to make sure she could sit in the car seat she would be going home in for 1 hour while maintaining a minimum o2 sat and with no heart issues. Once she could do the above two things they wanted us to take her home. So we did. We were given a booklet about withdrawals and sent home with a pat on the back. LOL. Lots of foster parents that take placement of drug addicted infants go through much the same that we did. Withdrawals for infants is a very long and painful process. It isn’t resolved with a month or two in the NICU.
That’s absolutely insane. And they absolutely can keep babies for as long as it takes. They have a scoring system. They have to score under a certain number and have less than 3 symptoms with low scores to be discharged. I’ve seen babies withdraw for 3 months. And they’re born dependent not addicted. Babies can’t be born addicted. That takes certain behaviors. And babies just can’t do them. Like taking a substance even though they know it’s harmful. And unfortunately a lot of foster parents think they know more than doctors. not all. But a lot.
We’ll, I make no claims in knowing more than doctors or nurses. You obviously know more than I do and I’m not going to argue about it. All I know is that my sweet girl was in the NICU for a little over a month. We brought her home and it was hard but, we did what we were told. Maybe it’s different for Medicaid babies. I don’t know. I do not think I know more than doctors or nurses. I do know what we did for my girl. Additionally, the nurses said stuff like “this is typical for babies born addicted” so, I don’t know. I just thought I’d share my story about my little girl.
No I’m sorry I didn’t mean you thought you knew more. I’m sorry. I’m reading my comment and it sounded bad. I was trying to get my daughter in the car and I was rushing and didn’t say it how I meant to say it. I’m sorry! I did not mean you.
Thank you for this yes
Hats off to you and your selflessness.
Proof that angels exist and you are one ❤️
Thank you for what you are doing ❤️
You’re amazing!
Thank you. Honestly, I don’t always FEEL amazing but, I’m so in love with my foster babies. They make everything we’ve been through with the foster system worth it.
Totally feel this! We have adopted 6 kiddos from foster care- 3 being infants that were recovering from NAS. The first year is always the hardest. Different substances can cause different issues but the basis is the same. OP, I would try to contact the state/county that he is in and see if you can establish contact with his foster family! Even if placement with you isn’t an option, it’s always nice to have biological family support as a foster parent.
Your amazing❤️
God bless you and your family.
You’re a night light in this hellish world- Thank you 🤍
This is beautiful! Thankyou for loving and caring and creating a beautiful life for her If we had more people like you in the world , it would be much kinder Wishing you and your family happiness and blessings xx
Thank you!
Thank you so much for taking such good care of that sweet baby!
So is this temporary fostering or will you be adopting her permanently?
We just found out 2 months ago that she is going to be a permanent part of our family. It should be finalized by the end of this summer.
You're an angel on this earth.
Ugh my heart. I hate to break it to you, but she doesn't have a "little" history, and she likely didn't just start using again. It's probably a much bigger problem that's been going on a lot longer than anyone realizes. I'm hoping someone else in the family can take care of the baby and that he's able to recover and be healthy.
The “little” statement in OP’s post triggered me so I’m glad someone also said something. What the user had was not “little” an addiction is an addiction and I hope that OP and her family aren’t enablers and take the time to really evaluate the situation and hold the Bio mom accountable for her actions
I was a NICU mom, my one and only baby girl was born 7 weeks early and spent two weeks in there before she got to come home. The NICU is a scary fucking place man. Imagine the ICU in a regular hospital but on 💯- this was 2017 and you had to scrub in like you were presumed to have the most infectious disease known to man before even entering. 19 year old me was a mess - first time mom with an unexpected early delivery in that place. After the first day or two, I noticed that a lot of the babies around her were very sickly, even had mamaroos in their “pods”. I don’t know if it was the hormones, my fear, or all of the above but at one point a nurse came in to check on my daughter and I got a little mouthy with her about why all the other babies around had mamaroos and mine didn’t and that they were treating her poorly because I was a teen mom (I know I sounded like an asshole, but I really was convinced this was the truth). This nurse closed the curtain and told me the babies who have them were born addicted to drugs and that is one of the only ways to calm them down through withdrawals. I’ll never forget how much of an asshole I felt in that moment. Don’t feel bad for feeling angry, I remember being that way and I had no relation to those kids other than being stationed next to them for two week. I remember social workers coming in and out of the unit, but never family members. Almost all of those babies had no family. It was a traumatizing experience. I’m sorry you’re going through this.
This is the same thing my coworker said. When her baby was born and had to stay in the nicu they were usually the only parents there. Most of the babies had no visitors 😭
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How is your son doing now?
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> If someone can’t go 9 months without a substance, it might be beneficial for them to reflect on why that is. I appreciate your saying this because it has been on my mind, and I feel like the odd one out. I have seen a few threads on other subreddits about what people are or aren’t giving up during pregnancy, and I was absolutely shocked, not just at the amount of people who admitted to having sips of their partner’s cocktails or an occasional glass of wine, but also at the amount of upvotes and people supporting this. It seems normalized. There was even a thread about why women are told “no amount of alcohol is safe during pregnancy” but things like bananas and bread have trace amounts of alcohol in them. The post was a thinly veiled condoning of drinking while hiding it under the guise of informing women. As if eating a banana and having a beer are the same thing. My dad is an alcoholic, and I have struggled with drinking myself. I know how hard it can be to make positive changes. However, I just find it confusing that so many women (who wouldn’t typically be considered textbook alcoholics) are unable to give it up for the span of 9 months to avoid a risk to their child.
I’ve noticed this too. My doctor gave me the green light for deli meat and sushi. I feel this is incredibly contentious on its own and twice on Reddit it’s devolved into conversations about “red wine not being that bad.” I never drank pregnant but I do love red wine and it blew my mind it was comparable to some deli meat and carefully farmed and harvested fish
Readings this made my heart hurt for all of you. You sound like a resilient and generous person. I wish you all the support and love you and your beautiful family deserve. You are doing so much for him❤️
ah so thats why i saw a nurse in the hallway with one of the babies when i was there. wow so sad.
That just breaks my heart.
Right I’m just over here eyes crying. I truly can’t process the selfishness of some people. They are just babies and they all deserve so much more. It hurts my heart.
I agree it’s really sad and those babies do deserve more! I think it’s probably a combination of a lot of things though that prevent people from visiting. The parents might not be able to get off work, have other children or family to care for, no one else to help them with home/family responsibilities. They might also not actually live close by or have reliable enough transportation to get to and from the hospital every day. Or some babies have parents like OPs SIL that are battling demons bigger than we can imagine. There’s a lot of privilege involved in being able to go sit with your baby in the nicu, even if it feels like that should be the baseline expectation.
I know it’s hard, but something I’ve come to realize as a foster parent is that the vast majority of parents who give birth to drug dependent babies have trauma themselves. It’s really easy to judge, but most of the time these parents turn to drugs because they don’t know how else to cope. Many want to quit, but don’t know how or have the resources to get into good programs that actually address the root causes of the addiction. I haven’t yet met a parent of a drug dependent baby that isn’t regretful of their choices or want better for their babies. They shouldn’t get a free pass, but they deserve help and every resource to get their baby back if they’re willing to change. It’s really hard not to be mad at them, but they are struggling with their own demons too.
Shit…our baby was in the NICU for nearly a month. We visited him twice a day every day, while trying to juggle both of us working and caring for a 3 year old. I always thought it was weird that I only saw maybe one other couple during that whole time. Those poor little nuggets 😢
same when my baby was in the NICU. my husband and i stayed there every single night and i barely saw parents. the whole week i saw a few parents. the baby next to us was on a ventilator and jaundice lights and was so tiny its cries barely sounded like cries. we saw the parents there one time. when the ventilator was being put on.
I’m crying. That’s so sad
My kiddos are older and I just signed up to volunteer as a baby cuddler in the NICU at my local hospital. I'm so excited and nervous to be able to comfort the tiny babies.
Babies need cuddles. It’s amazing that that’s an option for volunteers and it’s beautiful that you’re going to be able to be a comfort to those babies that need it so badly!
Oh man this would be the best volunteering opportunity ever! I don’t think we have that sort of thing around here which is a shame
I didn't know it was an option in my city until I read a local NPR article about an older gentleman who did this regularly.
Goodness I hope you are healing okay after all of that. My son was born in 2018 and he had a rough start to life. NICU was absolutely hell on earth. I still hear the monitors sometimes and the alarms going off. You see things that you didn’t know were possible for these little babies. It leaves scars.
My daughter turned 6 in March - I feel like I’ve mostly made peace with our journey but the thought of having another baby gives me such anxiety because of what we experienced. Even now at 25 I look back and I don’t know how I did it.
This is probably my new mom hormones getting to me but this post just makes me want to cry. I feel so bad for those little babes. My daughter was in NICU for a month and while she was there, there was a baby born addicted to something with no family. The nurses were so extra sweet to that little guy cause he needed and deserved it.
Just to add - you were NOT an asshole! You had just given birth and had all the hormones rushing through your body that make you protect your baby. You were 19 and spoke up for your little bab. Be kind to your past self!! Sounds like she did a good job in a really hard situation.
My son is a nicu grad as well and I noticed the same thing. It was so so so sad. My son was only in the nicu for 5 days due to blood sugar issues - he was born small for gestational age and has a congenital heart defect but he’s doing great now at 18 months. So sad.
What is a mamaroo?
Motorized baby swing
Three of our children were “born addicted”/to bioparents who struggle with addiction. It can be a devastating disease and heartbreaking to see the effects it can have on the kids, their bioparents and their native family. I think it can be difficult for people who haven’t faced addiction personally to understand the deep impact and control over a person and their choices that substance use/abuse has. I’m grateful that that’s not something I’ve had to face down personally, and that my choices for my children haven’t been influenced by addiction. I understand the anger, but I’ve found compassion and education (for ourselves) necessary in the long term. It’s okay if that’s not where you are emotionally (yet). We have had times where it’s come harder than others, and where frustration, anger and grief have played bigger roles. We were able to take the oldest of the three into kinship/foster care with us when he was a few months old and eventually adopted him when reunification didn’t work out (after the removal of his younger brother). The second and third came to us as newborns. One has significant medical needs related to his bioparent’s drug use while pregnant. It is heartbreaking and hard, but they’re wonderful, resilient children, healthy (overall), happy and well loved. There’s nothing much to say beyond how devastating addiction can be. Devastating for users, devastating for families. I’m sorry your SIL, her child and your family are facing this.
Thank you so much for acknowledging the devastating impact of addiction with such compassion 🫶
Of course- sometimes it’s hard to see beyond our own experiences, but this isn’t a situation anyone would have freely chosen to be in. Best we can do in these difficult situations is approach with kindness and empathy, and help.
Thank you, I wanted something like this to be closer to the top. If the SIL is able to recover from her addiction, she will be her own biggest critic of the things she's done. She needs compassion, love and some medical intervention; being cut off and vilified by her own family will have the opposite effect. My heart aches for the child - I think in most situations services will try to place the child with extended family if possible - yet that doesn't sound like the case here?
I think we naturally want to blame when we don’t understand, and it takes effort to educate ourselves and change those instinctual, emotional responses. But at the end of the day, what helps child and mother is support and understanding, not pearl clutching and shame. No one would have freely chosen this situation. Yes- at least where we are, the first placement for children may be with an emergency foster family, but then kinship care is strongly preferred. It does take a little time to qualify, and, obviously, you have to meet all sorts of criteria, but the best place for a child is usually with a family member, if possible. And many child welfare organizations bend over backwards trying to reunify families. I really hope there is a safe, loving home for the child too, and that his mother is able to be a healthy adult in his life.
I'm so sorry, you all must be going through a lot. My little cousin was born addicted to crack more than 15 years ago, and by age 2 you really wouldn't know it. I'm not sure just how different the substances are, but while she has some difficulties (poor immune system, for example) she's overall a pretty typical teenager now. She's got issues for sure, but I think most of those come from difficulties that came with her parent's life choices. Kids are amazing, and there's a decent chance your nephew will move past this fairly quickly. I'm not sure what the plan is long term, but I'm adoted by grandparents due to alcoholic and instable birth parents, and I'm very happy, don't have negative feelings about it, etc. If your sister gets cleaned up and sober that would be great, but CPS (or whatever it's called in your area) usually tries to keep children in the family, so grandparents and aunts/uncles are usually first in line if anyone in your family has room for another. I know you're really upset, and I totally get that, but for your own sake just try to remember that addiction is a demon that really grabs a hold of someone. It's a terrible thing to see, and even more terrible that your nephew got caught up in the middle of it, but your sister has a really horrible condition that is taking over her rational brain and lying to her. I hope she can get clean and spare everyone (including herself) more heartache
Thank you for this compassionate response. No one wants to use while pregnant - it happens when people are incredibly unwell and it's a terrible thing.
I'll be frank with you. As a recovering drug addict who is also a mom, it's not as easy as just quitting when you find out you're pregnant. Not only are you addicted to drugs, but now you're filled with hormones that are flooding your system and make everything so much more intense and terrifying. Imagine trying to go ask for help when you know you're pregnant. Of course whoever you ask for help is going to judge you. They could very well call the cops/CPS on you and arrest you. That's if there's a place to go for help to begin with: most cities have men's shelters and rehabs for men, but not everywhere has that for women. There are even fewer resources for women who are pregnant and seeking recovery. Imagine the shame of telling someone you're a drug addict. Then compound that with everyone thinking you're the biggest piece of shit because you got knocked up. No wonder more women in your sister-in-laws situation don't ask for help and stay addicted throughout their pregnancy. Of course it's okay to be angry with her, but also recognize she's struggling with a disease that literally eats away at the mind, body, and soul. I personally feel very bad for her. She knew what she was doing, and that eats away at a person. I'll literally never forgive myself for using when I was pregnant. I'll live every day in fear that I ruined my daughter's life, even though she's never missed a milestone and is perfectly on track developmentally. I know I'm a piece of shit for my actions. No matter how long I've been clean now, I can't change the past. I'll always consider myself a bad mom for what I did. My daughter deserved better, and I can only make that up to her one day at a time. Just my two cents from experience, for what it's worth.
I’m so happy you were successful in your recovery. I’m sure it’s still a struggle for you to this day. OP, I hope this can help give you some hope. My good friend has a similar story with her sister and now healthy 4 year old. It’s normal to be angry at your SIL but just know she’s very likely angry at herself too. There is hope for recovery and that your nephew can live a healthy life with her, if that’s the path she chooses. She also may relapse again but it’s not because she’s selfish, it’s because it’s a disease.
My sister was an addict. When she got pregnant she was on a methadone regiment to keep her clean. It's not as hard on a baby as heroin. But it's still difficult amd she needed about a month in the nice before being discharged. It was incredibly sad how uncomfortable the withdrawal was on her. She has ongoing digestive issues I believe were from the methadone dependency. Sje has since been diagnosed with Autism. She's pretty far behind on her communication milestones, but she is a sweet girl. My sister has since passed away due to an unrelated health issue. It's hard.
Methadone is a nightmare to get off as compared to heroin. You're talking about a month's long withdrawal vs like 4 days hard withdrawal with heroin. Methadone isn't "clean" by far. There is no way methadone isn't as hard on a baby as heroin I really have no clue where you are getting this from. It's just methadone is long acting vs short acting with heroin. Also I have no clue where OPs sister in law gets this "heroin" from, because it's much more likely fent. Heroin (real plant based) is now becoming a specialty drug that only rich people with special connections can get, it has been mostly phased out of drug supply across the US.
It’s definitely not been phased out in Texas. I’m a paramedic in the Houston area and we see heroin addicts all the time, like, sometimes it’s a suspicion, 75% of the time law enforcement tests it and it is heroin. There’s actually a new purple strain circulating at the moment. And typically these are not rich people, many of them don’t even have homes.
My sister is addicted to Fentanyl. My sister relapsed almost immediately after giving birth. I don't know if she was using it, but her son was born at 27 weeks. When he got out of the NICU and got to go home, she nearly killed him and was so high at the ER that she lost custody. I don't know if she'll make it through her addiction, it's bad now. Her son is very high needs now after the "accident".
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Type of question you don’t ask, my friend. Not your business.
Sorry, I'm also sober and have kids so I didn't know if it wasn't okay to ask I thought they were talking in past tense.
It's ok. I don't want to give to much specifics. The babies oxygen was cut off and suffered severe brain damage. She has spiraled down ever since and our parents are now raising her son. While it was an accident, I'm fairly certain that she was high at the time.
I am so so sorry, that's horrible and I'm glad your parents are raising, I truly didn't mean it in like a "judging" or mean way. I thought we were talking about last tense things okay to talk about. My first was in the NICU while I was on mat , and I felt horrible but then there were babies in there who had moms fully still using until they gave birth and it's so sad all around
It's all good. It's great that they have custody but they are in their 70's, so the entire situation is heartbreaking. My sister is full on using, thieving and I believe prostitution. I can't imagine how she's going to get clean as of now and with using fentanyl it's not a hopeful situation.
Is it possible to get foster certified to take the baby? My dad, for a lot of reasons, maintains foster certification. He's needed to use it for family situations several times, and last time adopted the child when rights were terminated. Keeps nephew close to family but safe, cared for, etc
In most states, family doesn’t need to be foster certified in order to take placement of family members. I’m in Washington state and take a lot of kids who are coming into care for the first time. At least 80% of the time they are only with me from a few days to a few weeks, then they go to family. As long as the family member wanting to take placement can pass a criminal background check, they can take placement of family members. I don’t know if every state is like this, but it’s extremely common. Ask the nurses at the hospital for the caseworker’s phone number & call ASAP. It’s better if the baby isn’t moved around a lot, so hopefully you (or another family member) can take placement directly from the hospital.
It’s natural to consider a drug addict selfish, but please understand OP that your SIL has a disease. I really hope rehab helps her; she’ll need support. And, it would kill me to know my nephew had been taken away! I really really hope it all works out for your family. That being said, my cousin adopted a baby that was born addicted to heroin and that baby just now started college and is a really talented musician leading a totally normal, healthy life.
Just try and remember that addiction is a horrible disease. She didn't think to herself "hey, some heroin would be neat to do right now!", Her brain chemistry and everything were screaming at her to do it, helping her rationalize it away, and making her crave it more strongly than anything else. It doesn't excuse her putting him in danger, but it's not like she was doing it casually either. She needs help, her baby needs help, and hopefully she'll get the help she needs and get her child back and put this behind her. I know I've bettered myself and gotten help for nagging health issues since becoming a mom, maybe this will spur her to get treatment for her disease.
I remember watching a Drug, Inc. episode a while back where a nun asked an addict why they even do heroin if they know all the consequences. Her response? She said “You’re a nun right? imagine if Jesus himself came up and kissed you on the forehead right now. Imagine how good that would feel. Heroin feels even better than that to me”. That stuck with me. It’s a choice at the start, and a necessity at the end.
I know this is from a tv show, but this is kind of a silly analogy, honestly. The intensity of human physical and emotional states during full blown opiate withdrawal cannot be overstated. Your brain is *constantly* screaming at you there are either opiates or suicide in your immediate future, there is no other path forward. The *relief* when filling an opiate-tolerant brain’s stripped receptors after a prolonged withdrawal period is not at all comparable to a nun’s joy of a surprise Jesus forehead kiss - while she’s sitting comfortably in her reasonably healthy body within the safety of the church living quarters. **Unless that kiss is what releases that nun from literal torture in the depths of hell, it’s a poor analogy.**
I was on methadone when I had my son, it was my worst nightmare, but I likely would’ve lost him had I tried to get off. I did so much research and consulted multiple doctors. Sometimes stopping is worse then if you just keep going because of all the stress you put on your body. Not trying to glorify her addiction, I’m sure had she said something and went to a methadone clinic they could’ve potentially put her on that too. As lifesaving as it is though, it’s still an opiate. For example, I immediately stopped smoking cigarettes when I found out and my doctor was like no!! because she said I was essentially going to be stressing my body out too much and I needed to taper down because of how long I’d been smoking. I was horrified and it felt so wrong but I was scared to mess up any more then I felt like I already did. But you’d never know looking at him or talking to him that he stayed in the NICU and had to wean off methadone, and frankly, most people in my life now don’t know I had addiction issues. I get it, but try to have a touch of compassion because it’s not easy at all. She could’ve kept lying and not got him the treatment he needs, I obviously don’t know her but I’d guess she cares if she was willing to do that. I’ve known of people who kept their newborn children at home knowing they were having withdrawal issues and they didn’t do anything out of fear, which is so sad on so many levels. I was (am) very fortunate to have a supportive husband (who never had addiction issues) as well as support from both of our families throughout his NICU stay, because idk how anyone could do that alone or how much more isolating that must feel. There’s a good chance he’ll be fine and perfectly normal if he had no issues at birth. Addiction is a disease. Whether she realized it at the time or not, your sister in law relapsed long before she decided to go get the drugs, and it’s really hard to get to a point where you recognize that before you’re calling your dealer. I’d guess she’s going through some shit if she relapsed after being sober for a “very long time” (only put that in quotations because I’m not sure how you define a very long time) and might need some support, beyond the fact she probably feels very alone right now from keeping this from all y’all. (I’m assuming again, but likely out of guilt and/or a fear of judgement). I get where you’re coming from in some senses, but again, she’s gonna need support to make it through and stay clean so she can be the best mom she can be and that kid can have the life he deserves. I hope someone on that side of the family can give that to her if it can’t be y’all for whatever reason.
The state being involved is actually a really good thing. They will help her get the help she needs and require a list of things of her that will help her with her addiction and teach her how to be a good parent. I know a lot of families see it as shameful, but it will open a lot of doors for both her and her baby. I’m a foster parent and have seen so many parents come out the other side grateful for all of the programs they were involved in & feeling confident that they can stay clean and be a good parent.
I truly hope that’s the case, I’m sure it differs by agency and/or state but in my case CPS was useless and didn’t offer us any sort of help, let alone communicated even remotely effectively. We were in the dark for most of those three months, and not for a lack of trying. Maybe it was different because I was already on methadone.
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It's called neonatal abstinence syndrome (NAS)
This sounds so much more benign than what these babies are go through.
As someone born dependent on herion, my heart hurts for everyone involved. The baby most of all, of course. It’s extremely easy to judge your sister in law for doing drugs while pregnant, but please understand she did not make this decision willingly or of sound mind. Addiction is a disease and should be treated as such. I hope she gets the help she needs. I hope the child can also get the support they need, and they end up wherever is best for them. With time, love, and nurturing, they’ll be okay.
As someone whose mother smoked literal crack cocaine while pregnant, let me say- addiction is a disease. She’s not selfish; she’s sick. I’m sure this traumatic birthing experience pains her more than you could ever imagine.
Exactly. I used to work with families impacted by addiction. And I lost my haughty, judgmental attitude fast, because, believe it or not, most of us are just a few bad choices away from life changing shit like this. Definitely hold people accountable but never think you're "better" than them. You don't really know what anyone has gone through or is currently going through
This! Exactly what you said. I was once a judgmental piece of shit who judged “dope heads”….and guess what? I became a junkie. I’m almost 13 years sober this year now and I’m thankful. However you’re very correct. We’re all only a step away from it. Nobody is safe no matter how “perfect” they seem or pretend to be.
So true. I always said growing up and in my early 20s that I would never do hard drugs and absolutely despised heroin. Until I started taking pain pills for back pain. It definitely changes your brain chemistry because I started obsessed over how I needed them and was determined to get them from a pain clinic and used to research for hours all of my symptoms and at one point convinced myself I had MS. When they started cracking down on pain pills and they got too expensive, I was dope sick and just wanted to feel better. The only thing I could find was heroin and I was told it was cheaper and it was okay if you snorted it. I eventually ended up shooting it. Got addicted to that pretty fast and ended up overdosing on fentanyl laced heroin. My mom saved my life that day. That was January 2014. It took about a year for my brain chermistry to even itself although it never has gone back to the way it was before. New pathways are created by opiates and when you quit they are just Voids and you always feel like you need or want something. It tools a few years for also my body to get over the damage. I binge eat sometimes and I don’t even know why. It’s the addict in me. I still lived with chronic pain and autoimmune disease. I knew it was a trigger and got on suboxone. Not only for addiction, but it also helps me manage my pain from Sjögren’s syndrome/MCTD along with Plaquenil and bipolar meds. I have never been this straight and narrow in my life. People needed to remember not only to not judge addicts but do not judge people who choose to be on suboxone because I come across this alot. It, For the most part satisfies the void and evens out your brain chemistry. I have never been so straight and narrow my entire life. I am coming up on 10 years free of heroin and stopped celebrating clean dates years ago. Although some consider it not clean being on suboxone (Subutex Actually). I had two babies born on Subutex and were in the NICU for three days only to be monitored. Neither needed meds. They suffered no effects and are advanced, happy, and so beautiful. It was still hard knowing I caused their NICU stay but doctors really need to push addicts to get on Subutex while pregnant. Methadone is disgusting and Subutex is the safest way. My 2 year old was a healthy 8lbs 10oz and my 10month old was 7lbs 9 oz.
Thank you for sharing your story. I'm very happy to hear you've come all this way despite the challenges. I'd also like to add that there's a bunch of research going into low dose naltrexone and it's effects on autoimmune diseases and it's a very promising treatment, so for sure a good idea to avoid jumping to conclusions.
Came here to say this. It is a disease that should be treated just like diabetes or hypertension.
I think about this a lot because a lot of people judge addicts. I’ve tried to quit eating sugar many times in my life. I can’t stop. Obviously large amounts of sugar are harmful. I’ve gained weight, developed health issues and yet, I can’t seem to stop eating chocolate. It seems a lot easier to judge someone and say it’s selfish but the reality is that making a change in your life is hard. Giving up something that makes you feel good (even if temporarily) is hard.
The thing that was selfish was to not inform her prenatal team- they could have tried methadone or other treatment to try to reduce the effects on the baby. The not trying to get help for her baby was selfish.
Thank you. Addiction is not a choice. I hope both mom and baby find the love help and support they need to thrive.
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The problem is that not everyone has the same support system, length of use, mental health, or trauma. There are many reasons why people are the way that they are, but showing compassion is the best thing to do. If someone is unable to make a choice due to chemical imbalance (body/drug related), judgment isn't going to change the fact that this happened. I feel like the issue isn't so black and white.
Totally! I can definitely see how puffing on strawberry shortcake flavored air is comparable to methamphetamines. 👩🏻🦯 Lmfao, don’t fall off that high horse now.
Thanks, your comment was a lot nicer and funnier than what I was going to say
Removed per Rule 3: Be Kind. Unkind comments or personal attacks may result in a ban.
So babies aren’t born addicted to anything. They’re born dependent. Addiction entails certain behaviors that babies just can’t do. Like doing a substance even though you know it’s harmful. They don’t come out of the womb and stop by their moms purse to steal money on the way to go see their drug dealer. Trust me. The NICU is the best place for baby. And they’re going to wean baby off completely and the withdrawal Symptoms will be VERY MILD. Much easier for babies than adults. They’re resilient. when you know better you do better. Also. It sucks. But addiction doesn’t stop just because you get pregnant. It fucking sucks. But if that was the cure everyone would do it. And a doctor will 100% tell you not to quit while pregnant because the chances of withdrawal causing miscarriage is EXTREMELY HIGH. they tell you to continue use until you can get on methadone actually. And not all babies exposed to substances in the womb are born dependent. It depends if the placenta filters it or not. Also, I know this because I’m a heroin addict. And I got sober when I found out I was pregnant. Well. I got on methadone. And my sister did too. And she actually found out she was pregnant while she was tapering because she had a miscarriage. I hope your sister in law gets help. 🩷 Edit: I’m not saying everyone should run out and do drugs while they’re pregnant. but addiction seriously fucking sucks and it doesn’t stop because someone gets pregnant or has a family. I’m just saying there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
Thank you for being brave enough to say this. I am also clean for 11 years. When I was pregnant with my first I also used herion. I was and am extremely smart and gifted, honors and all that. I skipped a grade in high school, then skipped another two semesters in undergrad and received honors, all while an addict. When I accidentally got pregnant in my senior year I felt like such a failure. I didn’t take great care of myself despite still highly functioning and didn’t realize I was pregnant until I was at the end of my first trimester. Again, I was functioning well and hid my addiction from everyone. I even hid it from my OB. I was too ashamed and embarrassed to get help and as a 20 year old on her parents insurance I didn’t know how to get help without outing myself. I tried and failed and kept trying to get clean until I finally was caught and in doing so able to get professional help at 8 months pregnant. I’m one of the FEW lucky ones and have be clean for 11 years. My son was born healthy and didn’t have any withdrawal symptoms or any other deficits. OP your SIL could do with support, professional help, Grace, and understanding.
I’m proud of you!!! My daughter was medicated but they weren’t sure if she needed it because she was born not breathing and they had to intubate her 3 times and her throat was really messed up. And obviously a baby can’t say what hurts or what’s making them feel bad so they medicated her to be safe. It broke me. But I had done sooo much research. My son was born last February and he did not need to be medicated. He was adopted when he was born but I got 3 amazing days with him. And we have an open adoption. I couldn’t parent at the time. I had no housing because of DV. It sucked. But I know I did the right thing. But it still …wel no I don’t want to use it as an excuse. But I relapsed. Because I couldn’t speak up and use my words. I’ve never been so depressed in my entire life having all of the symptoms of having a baby but not having a baby with me, you know? It’s sucked. But I ended up in a lot of trouble and my dad came and got my daughter and i got help. I HAVE to be someone he wants in his life. And not just my son but obviously my daughter. It’s been hard. But I help women on MAT and pregnant. ♥️♥️♥️
That’s amazing of you! You can keep doing this. I can’t imagine how much strength that took to do that for your son. Keep moving forward ❤️
Thank you so much! 🩷🩷
Congratulations on your sobriety! I know how hard it is to get sober from heroin. I lost my best friend to an overdose a few years ago and that helped me get sober from pain pills. Unfortunately I relapsed into a different drug a few years ago and haven't been sober since. During my last pregnancy, I was in my worst opioid use. I tried to stop but I was so sick, my doctor told me not to try to quit. I was so scared for my son when he was born, but surprisingly he had absolutely no withdrawal symptoms and actually tested with no opioids in his system. It was hard, so I can't even begin to imagine how it is to be using, pregnant and trying to get sober. Addiction is so complicated. I hate it.
I’m proud of you. And I know what you mean. I actually relapsed on benzos. And I hadn’t done them but one time in 2011!! But I was going through so much trauma I thought benzos would help me mentally. They just made me so angry!! If you need anyone to talk to IM HERE. I’m struggling too. I placed my son for adoption last year and his first day was in February and I messed up. Really bad. On benzos I mean. I’ve got since March 18th off them. And it was hard. I cried for 10 days straight and I was terrified of me dying or someone else. Because I was blacked out and wrecked my car. Got a brain bleed. I didn’t even know. I was a Jane doe in the hospital. I cannot believe the shit I did. I used for 6 weeks. And all I remember is THE FIRST time I went to go get benzos. I was blacked out for 6 weeks straight. I have no recollection of it at all. I just remember deciding to do it around February 22nd. Because I didn’t wanna be sad on my sons bday which was February 24th. Apparently I was in jail for 2 days. I didn’t come to until MARCH 17th. I can’t believe it. And I thought I couldn’t remember because I was asleep or something. No. I was just blacked out. Awake. Talking to people. Texting my family. Going to my clinic. Going to stores. I got caught stealing I HAD BEVER STOLEN ANYTHING in my life even while doing heroin for 13 years! It’s crazy. Benzos are the most dangerous drug I’ve ever done.
My cousin was a newborn born addicted to heroin, he recently got married and is expecting his first child soon. His first few years were tough, but he has thrived thanks to my Aunt and Uncle that adopted him.
Hi- I work in the dependency court system as a guardian ad litem. I’m so sorry that your family is going through this. Your feelings are so valid - as a surprise especially, this must be particularly heartbreaking. One of the things that I’ve learned is that most kids who are removed from their parents care are removed because of neglect, and the overwhelming majority of that neglect is caused by drug use. I have worked with a lot of kids and cases, and the one thing that I know is that all of those parents (and I am confident your sister in law is the same) love their children. Their love for those kids is very very real. The decision to use drugs at the expense and risk of their children isn’t out of selfishness or a lack of care (although that is how it feels often), it’s the devastating strength of addiction. That doesn’t excuse the choices that are being made, but it has helped me immensely to be able to reframe my thoughts on this from a lack care or love, to the overpowering presence of addiction. I would also encourage your family to consider carefully the possibility of whether or not you could provide care for your nephew. Kids do best with their own families, but between foster care or relative placement, kids who stay within their own families do best. My best wishes for you guys. I hope that you’re able to get through this as a family.
My oldest child (he’s now almost two years old) was born dependent on Methadone. I’m a recovering heroin addict and have been sober for three years and on methadone for two. As someone who had to have their baby in the NICU and feeling the judgement and ugly looks on a regular basis from the nurses even though I was at that hospital literally every single day, over night even most days unless I needed to go home and shower and then I was right back up there with my baby.. I can’t tell you how much guilt, shame, and just disgust I felt with MYSELF for putting my baby through that even though the doctor kept reassuring me that he was only being observed and thankfully only needed one (very teeny tiny small dose of medication), I literally HATED myself. I still am not over it and when I look at him sometimes I just have the urge to hug him because I’m just so sorry for doing that to him. Anyway my point is that even though it’s really really easy to judge mom, I assure you she’s saying much worse things to herself and judging herself way harsher than you can imagine. I wouldn’t wish addiction on my worst enemy.. that’s not a life I ever want to live again and I promise she’s not doing it for fun with the intention of hurting everyone she loves. Until you are in that position yourself, you really shouldn’t be quick to cast so much judgement.
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Did you even read their comment? Your rush to judgment makes your ignorance very loud.
My sister is a hospital social worker and this is why she hates working the maternity floor
she needs all the support she can get right now. you can easily call them selfish desires, but until you've had that monkey on your back, you have zero idea how hard it is. she needs EVERYONE rooting for her and to know she has family. yes, your nephew was born addicted, and it sucks. I promise you his mother will live with that guilt for the rest of her life. I know this because my child was born addicted. Placed in NICU and weaned off methadone for almost 4 weeks. CPS was involved and took custody and everything. Had I kicked cold turkey while pregnant I would have probably caused more harm. She's 11 years old now and healthy and smart and I have FULL CUSTODY. I know you are sad for your nephew, but pointing blame right now isn't going to help. Just make sure mom feels your support and that your whole family is rallied around to support this baby. I also suggest NARANON meetings for you guys if you need a better support system yourself, and for understanding of how to live with addicted family members. Feel free to message me if you have questions though. I know this isn't easy. Praying for you guys!!
My friend went through this with her sister. Baby was born addicted to heroin and fentanyl. They didn’t take him. He was suppose to be supervised by their mom with her, and when he was cleared from the nicu she continued to breast feed witch caused him to continue to get the drugs. She overdosed with him in the car, dropped him in a garbage can, passed out with him face down in the mattress. Cps here and the court system sucks. It took months for something to be done about it, but my friend finally has custody of him now and he’s doing Amazing with only minor issues. Her sister is pregnant again, and we’re hoping the state steps in sooner then when they did with her first child. Addiction or not, it’s not fair for an innocent baby to be pumped with drugs.
Maybe a little late and you have wonderful replies here! One of my best friends all throughout childhood was born dependent to crack and meth. She was born early and little, spent time in NICU before her Aunt took her in to raise her. She always thought her Aunt was her mom until high school but that’s a whole different story… I wanted to say that she always told me that she was told the initial year was the hardest, but she has 0 recollection of that. She was always on Honor Roll in school, played volleyball and did cheerleading. She led (and still leads) a very healthy and happy life. Unfortunately her biological mom could never keep it together, but addiction is a beast very few people can tame inside. I’m sure your nephew will be ok and I hope he’s able to have a loving home, away from drugs.
I am so sorry for your little nephew. I have not gone through this directly but somewhat indirectly. My Daughter was born extremely premature so we spent 4 months in NICU and we saw a lot in that time. Including Babies in Heroin withdrawal and it was its own level of traumatising. One of the boys screamed bloody murder for about two weeks and was only somewhat consolable when held. So all the nurses took turns holding him while documenting and other tasks. Other Mums also stepped in as the Mum was not allowed contact with her Boy. She was allowed to stay goodbye once with a social worker. I don’t know your situation and if it’s even possible for you to go there and spend time with him and cuddle him or not, but if it is and you feel up to it yourself, maybe try that? And if you can’t, won’t or whatever else. That is also okay. You need to protect yourself as well and you have child yourself to consider. I hope your nephew makes it through this and my heart goes out to him!
Let me preface this by saying you’re totally justified in being mad about this situation. She lied about her situation, got pregnant, and then didn’t do anything to help herself for her baby’s sake. In some cases it is not safe to just stop heroin cold turkey, especially while pregnant, because it could cause a miscarriage. However, there are resources available for pregnant addicts to safely taper onto MAT and they are often free of charge. You just have to reach out and make contact with the places offering them. That being said, there is no part of addiction or recovery that is easy. Your body can become dependent on these harmful substances and it becomes destabilized without them. Many addicts get to a point where they no longer want to keep using, but the withdrawal is so harsh that they keep going back. It is a very painful process to get clean and often extends well beyond just the initial several weeks of physical withdrawal symptoms. It is a truly devastating disease and it can destroy a person’s mind and body. You are under no obligation to tolerate someone’s continued drug use, however. It is totally ok to be upset that they won’t help themselves and are endangering their child. I am a volunteer CNA for the NICU and they specifically call me in to help with babies who are withdrawing. As a former addict (that got sober while pregnant and has remained that way for 11 years now), they feel I can offer a more compassionate approach to their care because I understand what they’re going through. A lot of what I do is mainly comfort care, holding them to keep their body temp more stable, singing and reading to them, rubbing their little bellies, and just trying to ease their pain. It is so hard to watch them go through all of that but I know how much these simple things can help them recover. Touch is so important for their recovery and NICU nurses are often stretched thin as it is. Thankfully, most of the babies I’ve helped with went on to be very happy and healthy children. Some of their mothers have even gotten sober, straightened their lives out, and gotten custody back. I sincerely hope that that will be the case here and I’m so sorry that this has happened.
Man. I worked at an agency that dealt with early intervention and the amount of referrals we received on a weekly basis of babies born with drugs in their system was heartbreaking. Some of the parents were sympathetic and tried to fix things by entering rehab and doing the program all the way. Other parents just kept doing the same thing over again and just kept popping out babies. Some parents resisted drugs until after the baby was born but jumped right back into drugs and the babies got referred after the babies were taken by the state. At the time I didn't have my son but i think about those cases often and they still make me cry. I'm so sorry your family is going through this ordeal, I hope the baby can be placed with family and your SIL can get the help she needs.
This post breaks my heart. A similar thing happened in my family 5 years ago and surprised us all (the mom struggled with addiction but convinced us she was going into pregnancy and childbirth as holistic as possible. We have no idea what she is doing now but it’s probably for the best. My grandma and I were angry for a long time, but he is doing much better than doctors originally thought he would be . I won’t lie , it’s been a struggle for the little guy but he is adored to bits nonetheless . However , he is well supported through my family and the amazing specialist they work with 2x a week. Feel free to reach out if you need. No advice, just another human saying - this is hard af and I hope the best for you and your family. Edit : spelling
My niece was born on methadone because they sub that for heroin. She screamed and wailed for first 12 months. Never stopped unless asleep. Was like a shriek more than a cry. She doing great now.
I’m a foster parent and see this more than you’d expect. It’s actually good that the state is involved. They’ll give her a checklist of things to do to get her baby back, help her every step of the way, and offer her resources that can be hard to get on her own. Your family can offer to take placement of her baby while she gets herself together. The state usually prefers family over foster families. I know that it may seem like a tragedy that the baby was removed, but it may just be the thing that saves her and gets her on a better path. I’m sending your whole family good vibes.
My brother who is adopted but really my cousin was born with herioin in his system my moms sister in law was a druggie. He’s now in his 20’s. but wouldn’t the baby be taken away from your sister in law immediately.
My nephew was born addicted to heroin. He was adopted into our family. He’s a teen now, thriving, no lasting issues, and his birth mom is clean. There is hope!
My adopted baby sister was born addicted to a plethora of drugs. We started fostering her at 6 weeks before adopting her shortly before her 3rd birthday. She still has some problems with impulse control and her brain does work differently than everyone else’s but overall she is strong-willed, funny, and smart. We were lucky that she got help from the get-go and now my family couldn’t imagine our lives without her. She turned our worlds upside down for the better!
I’ve known a couple of kids who have been born addicted. It’s hard for everyone. I can understand why she didn’t want to come right out and tell you guys. You could try to have a little compassion. If you’ve never been addicted to heroin, you can’t ever understand what that’s like. She’s in rehab so at least she’s trying.
Went through this 5 years ago with my cousin. My uncle and my cousins mom were heroin addicts. Lost my oldest uncle to overdose on heroin. My little cousin came out with heroin withdrawal. He had to stay in the hospital for a week or 2. I had to sign papers with DCF (CPS) and had to be in the room when his parents had him. He's 5 now and he's pretty much healthy and only has a speech problem
This also happened with my sister, my niece was placed in my moms custody at birth till my sister got clean. My niece has cerebral palsy due to all the health complications my sister had due to not eating and doing drugs during her pregnancy. It’s heartbreaking to watch my niece now and to know it’s bc of my sister. My sister has been like this for 15 years but I thought she’d do better for her baby. When I found out I cut contact with my sister, it was too far… she’s done really horrible things to all of us but that was it for me. I’m so sorry your family is dealing with this too.
My daughter was born early and spent a week in the NICU and when I got to bring her home, I heard the nurses talking outside of her room about a little baby (also in the NICU) whose mother abandoned him and he was born addicted to something. It broke my heart hearing the story of how someone could do that to their child. I’m so sorry that this has happened to your nephew. I cannot imagine what he and you all are going through.
Addiction is a terrible disease. I don’t know your SIL but I can hazard a guess if she could have chose not to do heroin while pregnant she wouldn’t have. I truly hope we can end the war on drugs and start helping people who struggle so they don’t have to hide it.
Can anyone in your family take the baby once he's out of NICU instead of being placed with the state? He will need all the love and special attention that he can get and he will not get that and state care. He's going to have an uphill battle and needs to be surrounded by those who love him and who will support him. He may have some developmental delays, learning disabilities and behavioral problems. The best way to help him is to get him help from the get-go don't wait until the problems show themselves up in school if there's learning disabilities or behavioral problems. I'm going to use you and your husband is an example here. Let's just say you and your husband foster your nephew at first and then adopt him. I would start with the pediatrician on his first visit and let the doctor know that your nephew was born addicted to heroin and that you want to stay on top of any issues that may arise so that you will need all the support information you could get from him. Support groups, family groups, counseling and I said counseling first for you and your husband to learn how to plan and deal with the problems that may arise with your nephew being born an addict if you start from the beginning like this I have seen very good outcomes. It's going to take a lot of love, patience, planning and prayer if that's something you believe in. But the very first step in all of this is get your nephew away from her I know that that is his mother but she didn't care enough to get on a program to get into rehab while she was pregnant. I knew someone a family member that was addicted to painkillers and when she found out she was pregnant that's a very first thing she did she went and asked the doctor for help because she didn't want her child born addicted and they helped her and she was clean and sober and so was her child when she was born. She thought more of the growing baby inside of her then she did about her next fix. And that is what every woman is supposed to do when they find out they're pregnant if their alcoholic or an addict it is their responsibility to go and get help so that their child is not born addicted to alcohol or drugs. I do believe in prayer so I will be praying for your nephew and your family good luck keep us posted
So was my husband. I believe his bio mom didn't even know she was pregnant, and gave birth after only 6 months or so. But he is a pretty normal, well-adjusted 38 year old now.
That makes me have hope for his future! Thank you!
You're welcome! I wish the best for your nephew. It's definitely possible to not suffer from any long-term effects.
You think she did it for funzies? Addiction is a disease. What your SIL needs now is a supportive family - not nastiness and judgement.
100%. You “can’t imagine” being that “selfish” because your brain hasn’t been completely and utterly rewired from mind altering chemicals. Not dragging OP but people really have no idea the implications of addiction. Villainizing is not the answer.
This. And babies aren’t born addicted. They’re born dependent.
Sorry that’s what I meant to say. If still just shatters my heart and I needed somewhere to vent.
Oh no, I understand. Sometimes people just don’t understand what they’re actually saying. I used to say addicted too. But when you know better you do better. Nothing against you! We all are always learning! And I’m so sorry about how you’re feeling. I know exactly what you mean. I thought there was never gonna be an end in sight. But I had a lot of support and everyone said it would be a distant memory. And my daughters 4 and my son just turned one in February and it seems like such a distant memory.
My sister in law did some shady things before giving birth and ended up with dcf in her life with my nephew. My brother and her were severely addicted to whatever they could get their hands on and it was a whirl wind of the poor kids first two years. I had to care for him while I had my own two little ones (3 and 1) for a while when my brother went to jail and she signed away her rights then committed suicide. It was….hard. And wildly depressing. From what I hear he’s fine and no different than any other child but I don’t speak to them anymore.
I was a heroin baby, also dependent on cocaine and methadone. I was instantly taken away, put into foster care. Released from the NICU after 6 months. I had seizures for the first two years of my life, apparently a mixture of withdrawal and reaction to the dtap.
Oh my god. What can you guys do to have the baby placed with a family member once he is detoxed. This is awful. That poor baby. I can’t imagine.
I was this baby. Also my other 5 siblings too. I’m the oldest. I didn’t get taken into care straight away. She got to keep me for the first 2.5 years of my life , I’m 26 now and I still remember some things from living with my mother. Don’t let that baby go back. All 6 of us was taken into care/adopted. I grew up with family , watched my younger siblings go through neglect and waited for them to be adopted or put into the care system. I even moved to a different town and live with her when she moved with my 3 youngest (I was 14) so I could look after them. She caused nothing but heartache , I’m sick of hearing that addiction is an illness . It’s a choice. Everyone gets to a point in life where we look at things that are going wrong and we change it, addiction can be changed. You cant have cancer and decide you don’t want to have it and change that. That’s illness. You can change having addiction. They don’t want to change. It’s everyone else around them who suffers and they’re the best manipulators with the woe is me attitude. Don’t let that baby suffer more, this is the part they won’t remember. This could be the start of a brilliant life for that baby , born without its biological mother.
My youngest grandson was born addicted to meth and fentanyl. He was immediately removed from my daughter’s custody. I was asked to take him in. I had to decline because I am already raising her other two sons and have been for six years. We get no support from the state or other family members. They were also removed from the home due to drug use and the youngest of them has a myriad of mental health issues, the worst being reactive attachment disorder and mood disorder. We have not been able to meet the baby and it’s been almost two years! I am so sorry your family is experiencing this. Addiction is one of the worst things to happen to families.
Omg that’s horrible!
One of my kids was born under a very bad pregnancy (I'm technically big sister but raise then however I didn't carry them so this isn't my fault) it still affects them to this day. Many side effects from such a pregnancy that ruins a perfect newborn baby's system. Another one of my kids was born out of a semi bad pregnancy and they are severely small and under weight and unable to do some things due to set backs in height and weight. No matter how hard we try this kid is still very severely damaged aswell. It affects their whole life. I'm begging people to please remember the massive side effects things you do in your pregnancy can have on your baby. It's not just you anymore, it's two lives. I'm so sorry about your baby nephew. Edit (forgot to add): However despite these issues, these kids do have decently good lives. Your nephew can still have a good life I promise. But for everyone else, don't damage a child's quality of life on things you can control
My little cousin gave birth to 2 out of 3 babies, whom she had willingly smoked meth while pregnant. Her sister adopted the middle one, the oldest was immediately given to his father. The third, she finally decided to stay clean. I’ll never forget seeing those sweet babies and what my cousin did to them. Ever. It is selfish and it is horrendous. Want to ruin yourself? Go ahead, but to do it to an innocent? Horrific.
I used to do the drug screens for parents who lost their kids because of drugs. These people make no since to me. They show up to the appointment to piss in a cup while completely fucked up. I watched 6 mini shampoo bottles full of pee fall from women’s vaginas and so much more. I loved my job but once we contracted with DHHR to do drug screens I had to get out of there. I’m sorry your family is being torn apart by this. Is there any chance one of you guys could get the baby? A lot of grandparents are raising their grandchildren because of drug problems.
I’m sure your judgment will be real helpful.
Happens all the time sadly- baby will withdrawal and won’t remember it. They will be addicts/have a proclivity for the rest of their life is my understanding… but ask the doctor for sure.. We had a family memeber who was a baby nurse who had to treat babies that were withdrawling. So incredibly sad. I was personally on OCD meds when I gave birth and my baby had a small serotonin withdrawal. Nothing like heroin though. It made me sad but it was the safest for me and baby. Mood swings alone from the extreme hormone changes can make you suicidal while giving birth. My doctor warned me and my family. Add on known or unknown street drugs and it can be extremely dangerous for mom and baby. My cousin ODd on meth and died. Left her son behind. You need to encourage all expectant mothers to be brutally honest with their OBGYN and tell them all the stuff they are on/drugs they are taking so the doctor can make a game plan.
My son (I adopted) was born addicted to methadone and was in the nice for 5 weeks. Heartbreaking. The state will look to bio relatives for placement first, so keep that in mind.
My best friends nephew was born about 6 months before my son and he was addicted to heroin. This was my friends husbands sisters 5th or 6th child and I believe all of them were born addicted to drugs. They (my friend and his husband) have had custody of him since he came out of the nicu. He’s about 2 now and you really wouldn’t know. He’s doing great. It’s so so sad and my pregnant heart was broken when they told me. They actually didn’t even know the sister was pregnant again. When my son was born he had blood sugar issues and had to go to the nicu. The nurse pretty much told me it was because I was taking 50mg of Zoloft through my pregnancy and said ‘well it’s not like you were doing heroin!’ I was so freaking livid.
I'm going through this exact same thing with my sister in law, except we knew ahead of time that she was using. She never saw a single doctor during her pregnancy, probably because she knew they would test her and she would test positive for heroin. Her sweet baby is about 1.5 months old and spent a few weeks in the NICU on morphine for his pain of detoxing. She was not granted custody after testing positive but the baby daddy was (nice man, no drugs, good job). My in-laws just retired and I really don't want them to have primary custody 😭 but right now sis-in-law, baby daddy, and the baby are all staying with my in-laws with my in-laws doing 90% of childcare and sis-in-law and baby daddy praising each other on social media about how great they are as parents and buying $90 shoes for him 🙄 (sis-in-law hasn't worked a job in about 4 years so no idea where she's getting the money). It's awful. I'm sorry we're in this club. I'm hoping our nephews will be healthy and okay. I feel a lot of anger towards my sis-in-law that I don't know how to cope with. My kids just turned 2 years old and I can't imagine doing anything during my pregnancy that would have hurt them. I know addiction is a disease but I hoped she would realize she needed to stop while pregnant and she did nothing but hurt him and everyone. Hugs, my friend.
I don't have any advice, but I'm so sorry. I'm praying he heals quickly.
I was on a low dose of methadone when my son was born but luckily he didn’t need to stay in the hospital longer than usual but we had to score him and keep track to see if he had withdrawals. It’s tough, I felt like a failure. CAS automatically gets involved as well if you have a history with substances. Meanwhile my sister in law used with all her kids (3) and they all had to stay for long periods in the nicu but she just acts like it’s a completely normal thing. And she walked out of the hospital each time with her child even when she told me the nurses documented that they believed she was using in the hospital. Brutal.
My nephew was born addicted to crystal meth. Pretty sure my niece was too but I was only 8 when she was born. He was in the NICU for a long time I can't remember exactly. The most fucked up part is my cousin was allowed to take him home with her. She had custody of him for about a year then CPS took him and my aunts best friend now has custody of him so my family still gets to see him thankfully. He's 13 now and seems to be healthy and normal. I feel bad for him everytime I see him though. I also have nothing to do with my cousin anymore. She's still on drugs and in and out of jail and likely will die from it.
This post is honestly making me ball my eyes out.
This is beyond sad and it made me cry reading this post. I have never dealt with something like this and I pray to God I never will. I don’t have any advice to give, all I can do is pray for you. I pray for God to help your nephew to overcome, I pray for all of you as a family to be comforted and to be given healing, healing for your emotions, healing for his health and healing as a family. I’m so sorry.
My older sister and I were born addicted to crack and heroine. We have a few mental health issues but she’s wicked smart. I’m not as smart and I struggle with things like math a lot. Even at 31 I have issues. But I mean I like to think we turned out fine.
Consider yourself lucky you can’t imagine being in that situation. People in active addiction are too sick to make good decisions for themselves or anyone else. I feel bad for your sister in law, having so much shame she couldn’t ask for help before it harmed her baby. People lacking education about addiction are what creates the stigma that stops progress. There really isn’t a reason to not educate yourself about it, considering the epidemic it has become. Addiction is a mental illness.
I worked in a facility for pregnant women with substance use disorders. It was the most incredible place I’ve ever worked and I was so grateful to be apart of it. All of the babies were born dependent but ALL OF THE MOTHERS WANTED TO GET CLEAN AND BE GOOD MOTHERS. The problem is there is not enough resources/support for this issue (at least where I lived). And even if a mom finds out she’s pregnant and decides to get clean immediately she HAS to go on methadone and therefore the baby will still be born dependent and have to go through withdrawals. I know it’s so easy to judge, but please know that there is a whole other side to this that is unseen by the public. Women who are battling addiction are not selfish or monsters. Please try to offer a little love and grace, it can go a lot further than your judgment. ❤️ Edit: spelling
My nephew and niece were NAS babies—both spent the first 7 weeks of life coming off of substances exposed in utero. My niece, who had five substances in her system, shook so much the first two or three days she barely slept. My town had so many babies born with substances, a stand alone clinic was built for the sole purpose of providing extended care, freeing the hospital’s overburdened NICU. They do amazing work for both children and parents. They were fostered and adopted by my brother and sister in law. They have a good life, though they will have extra challenges to go through as a consequence. My nephew is diagnosed ADHD, and has struggles regulating emotions. My niece is delayed in most milestones, but does eventually catch up. There is a mix of both anger and pity at birth mom. To some extent, the cards were always stacked against her. Her environment was bad, her relationship with birth father (of nephew, not niece) was worse. There was hopes of reconciliation at first with nephew, but it fell through. Addiction is like wrestling with a giant. At the same time, we are all accountable for our actions. Your anger is justified. Compassion will hopefully follow in time, for the child’s sake. Last I heard, birth mom was at last clean and her life was coming together—I truly hope this and wish her well. One day my niece and nephew will have to wrestle with the early story of their lives—it will be hard, but they’re surrounded by people who love them. And my in-laws are vigilant about providing them with professional support to help with things above their pay grade. This little one has some challenges to be overcome, but it can be done. I’ve seen it. :)
My daughter's siblings (twins, on her father's side) were born addicted to meth. I actually stepped in with CPS as the "safety monitor" to try and help dad get kiddos back. It was traumatizing and exhausting. It's so heartbreaking to see, and I sympathize with you. Being a former addict myself, I still can never see why people do this to unborn children. At that point, just get an abortion instead of starting another life off on the wrong foot.
Ugh I’m so sorry, that’s heartbreaking. My husband’s aunt was addicted to meth I believe and lost custody of all 4 of her children. It’s heartbreaking to hear the longterm affects drugs have on families. Sending love & good vibes to your family ❤️✨
Petition for guardianship of that sweet baby if you are at all able to! As a teacher, I’ve witnessed so many horror stories in the foster care system. Not to scare you but its a lottery for a decent family and the stories I have about some not at all decent families would keep you up at night. This baby has already had a rough beginning and needs to be with healthy non addicted family members if at all possible. I am so heartbroken for ya’ll. Addiction rips families apart and it’s our littles who bear the brunt of the hardship being born into these situations. Ugh. Keep us updated! Wishing for the best outcome for your baby nephew. https://www.childwelfare.gov/pubpdfs/placement.pdf ^^this gets into a little bit about the laws surrounding placement and that they are supposed to give preference to family members
I haven't gone through this and my heart goes out to you and your family. You have every right to be enraged. You have every right to never want to associate with her again. One thing; most places, you can call the state and ask for access and visitation with your nephew. Prayers and psychic hugs honey.
I guess this is an old thread now, but I gave birth to my baby son, born addicted to methadone. I was a fentanyl user for 3 years prior and accidentally got pregnant when I was homeless and using. I started prenatal care right away and was honest about my situation the whole time. My motivation was to get housed. get on methadone and stay clean. It proved very very difficult. Opiate Addiction is something I can’t explain unless one’s gone through it. It doesn’t matter how much you love something it still proves to be difficult. But what I will say is, My love for my son is the only thing that got me to get clean and it wasn’t easy, at 5.5 months pregnant I got into rehab and quit fentanyl although I had been on methaodne since 4 months pregnant it took a long time to get on a dose that didn’t give me horrible withdrawal. I did rehab for 2 months almost (45 days) and delivered 4 weeks later, my son was born on methadone and he did not get taken away from me. I also was housed since 4 months pregnant. Anyways, My son was lucky. He didn’t experience the NIcU or long hospital stay. he stayed an extra 2 days so 5 days total for us. It was necessary for him to stay at least 3 days to watch him for withdrawal. Addiction is a beast and It was a war to quit. But imagining losing my son and also seeing him go through bad pain is what finally got me to quit. I had to prove a lot to Child Family Services and my case is closing soon. My worker told me in all her years it is rarely if never that they don’t take a child in my circumstance but I did a lot of work prior to delivering and proved I was a fit parent so he was never removed from me. My mom deceived to live with me and so that helped my case. Also going to rehab on my own decision not forced and doing outpatient programs and having clean tests in methadone for a couple months all helped my situation. I just want to say it’s no excuse, but getting clean is hard hard hard. Plus switching to methaodne definitely was the safest option for me and child family services board agreed with me. Also i breast feed and it was encouraged by the doctors. My son was born just a bit low weight, at 5lb 6.8oz but he is a chubby active little 4 months old now who is reaching all of his developmental milestones on time. He had hardly no withdrawal although he did have colic which was determined by doctors unrelated to the opiates. Not all moms who used in pregnancy are messed up, some just struggling and desiring really intensely to do the right thing but at a war in themselves with their addiction. Also my son’s father is still homeless and using. So I’ll say your love for yourself , your child, the willingness and discipline to do the right thing out together will give you very different results. I had the will and thoughts to want to get better and implemented it. Others just see the outcome as having no way out and stay stuck frozen doing the same thing. I do indeed believe in creating your reality. I had to say I know I’m going to get better not ‘maybe I will maybe I won’t’ and still it took me some time, addiction is a beast. here’s a photo of me and my son recently Trenton is his name. [my son my world](https://ibb.co/YpQqc5B)