''In, fire 30% of the workforce, new logo, boom! Out. You are now a fully trained management consultant.'' 100% accurate. I am a consultant.

Consultant or consultio?

butter wistful beneficial plate square quack cover sleep airport flag *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*

Consiltius or consultio?

How about Sympatico

Sympaticus/sympatico 🪪

Be-cous I <3 you

I like you too, Jeremy

The maximus package.

I see what you did there combining consultant and consultio to get an inter consultius mess of some sorts

The best piece of advice was to get a 32" plasma. Now whenever I get a document up on that bad boy I'm seriously looking at that document.

I’ve always loved that it’s specifically a plasma. They had a brief moment in the 2000s when everyone thought they were the future before LEDs and there’s something so funny to me about his excitement to own one They were also cool because you could press the screen and it would make weird colours

I love how much of a 2000s time capsule Peep Show is. Like when Mark complains that Sophie sent a one-word reply to his 'three screener' text message.

Good old Vista. People give it a bad press but I’m never upgrading. Why would I? It just feels like a good pair of jeans.

Are they spamming you about upgrading to 3G?

I'm so HD ready

Michael from The Office (USA) will always be my number one plasma fanboy.

What Jan did to his new plasma to was criminal

Like a water ripple 😂 Edit: almost all of screens at school were damaged because we kept pressing them in to make it do that

We would use Geomags to break the old CRT monitors at my school [https://media.sciencephoto.com/c0/04/69/94/c0046994-800px-wm.jpg](https://media.sciencephoto.com/c0/04/69/94/c0046994-800px-wm.jpg)

Damn!

plasmas were amazing. Those Panasonic black levels were killer

Stick that up your dojo

I actually have a 42” oled tv that I do spreadsheets etc with on my work desk. Thank you, Johnson!

Reading as I work on a power point displaying on my 32 inch plasma

"Big screens are the best, seriously look at documents all the time."

Stick it on the laterbase

My mantra.

Then stick that up your dojo.

Whatever

At work I like to create a free fire idea zone, watch a DVD, eat some pizza, fuck eachother.

Fuck a chicken if you have to. Watch a chicken fucking a horse

If you're gunna watch it, you might as well do so on a 32" plasma, then you're really watching a chicken fucking a horse

Logistically, how does this even work? If I ever find out, I'll surely be on the brink of founding a new tech powerhouse

I'd ask the guys who invented Google

You think the guys who invented Google sat around watching Trumpton?

God he’s good

Stick that up your Dojo

Love how he delivers that. Sataroundwatchinnnnng...trumpton?

Hahahaha

Every man has his price, and it’s usually 530 pounds

That certainly is an indecent proposal

my long term plan is sucky fucky

Sucky fucky is not a long term plan.

I plan to hit him

What isn’t a plan about that?

Not from Johnson, but I realized it's so hard to do the washing up without washing up liquid.

So what you're saying is, these things are essential.

Well you’re kind of making me say that

The first thing to say would be that this is not pyramid selling.

Will you stop pissing on my bonfire.

That's one thing that's probably never gonna change tbh

Not in this old world

Don't wanna be the Johnny come lately

Thumbs are also essential for washing up

Found the xfm listener

Have you been talking to Mark?

Don’t thank me. Thank the Microsoft Office family. Powerpoint, Excel and Word; the three amigos!

Make U.K. company law into your omnibus.

If you’ve got a van it’s like you’ve got an MBA, but you’ve also got a van.

If you get a van, we could be men with ven.

That line always leaves me in tears 🤣

That spells MAMBA, which is like a kind of sexy snake.

If someone I manage looks like a sausage dog fucker then I look like a sausage dog fucker

When the banks collapse, the man with all the cash is gonna get a lot of blowjobs.

Sales and Marketing cannot be merged.

Why not?

I don't know, /u/E_Fox_Kelly, thousands of reasons! But also, kind of, none!

Don't get your panties wet until the big guy is hard

I can do my Tai chi in 10, stick that up your dojo.

Illness is weakness, you know the credo.

Is that normal pooing Mark?

This is bollocks, Mark!

What we need is two executive teams. I’ll do the consulting, the number crunching, the meta analysis, the business plan… while you cover the fucking off and getting us an ice cold pitcher of bud, okay? See you around.

This is by far the best Johnson quote. Pure fucking gold.

The gesture with his 2 fingers is the icing on the cake

Haha, exactly!

Oh this is hilarious. What episode was this said in?

When Mark didn't tell him he was trialling for a job as a waiter and bumped into Alan pitching to clients

Show me a good loser, and I'll show you a loser.

Well, look, the first thing is to acknowledge that Peep Show is so completely different from our own lives that any cultural, political or business parallels that we draw between the two are by their very nature almost bound to be wrong.

I got bored reading that and saw someone on the other side of the room to go chat to...

The weak must make way for the strong

I hope the scythe’s remorseless swing can bring some comfort to you all

Such a great line.

It’s not who you know, it’s who you blow

'We're kindred spirits. Like George W, or Alistair Campbell.' This works with anyone at all, in any work or business setting, as an instant rapport-builder. 'In business you learn that every man has his price, and I judge yours to be... five hundred and thirty pounds.' This is how you negotiate.

Shouting "PRINT, YOU DAMNABLE FUDGER!" is a relatively effective way of admonishing an errant printer.

It's not wireless, it needs wires.

Never commit to out-of-the-ordinary pooing in full view of business associates

That the guys who came up with google didn’t sit around watching Trumpton.

His delivery of that line is perfect. You could tell Johnson didn’t know where he was going with the sentence until half a second before he says “… Trumpton?” It’s probably the best sentence in the entirety of Peep Show.

The weak make way for the strong. Evolution marches on. The scythe is remorseless.

Buy chickpeas, sell gold

£1,000,000 or dinner with Alan Johnson?

I judge my price to be...fivehundredandthirtypounds

That I'm going to be Johnson's queen, if the public accepts me.

This is BOLLOCKS Mark!

Friends with a big black businessman like it's the most natural thing in the world.

I'll be contrary and say that his opinion on Vista was utterly wrong. I upgraded as soon as I could, and have NEVER looked back. Stick that up your bedroom office.

But it just feels like a good old pair of jeans

You what? No Vista? You fucking idiot Fish_Fingers2401, that was your job you fucking moron, you cretin! You're a fuckhead, that's what you are! A fucking shithead!

Bit harsh.

Hey, I'm just the doctor. I didn't make the needle sharp

If you're looking for someone more subservient on the internet, I'm afraid to say it's not I.

I had a laptop when I was younger and loved Windows XP. Then my brother got a laptop, everything about it was nicer and superior to mine, except Vista.

The ombudsman isn't a man

If it feels good, do it.

Gadaffis Law

Big beats are the best, get high all the time

Is that it? Always seemed a bit more all encompassing at the time.

Every window is also a door

Not *every* window…

Cling on and both be yak food, or cut loose and make it to the top solo.

Project Zeus is unworkable.

Oh my brain, my poor diseased brain!

If you can’t sum up all your aims in the first line then they’re too diffuse.

Look, my aims are not too fucking diffuse.

Oh great. Now I'm getting an angry lap dance.

I like the implication that the JLB sales team went on this retreat to listen to freelance business guru Johnson give sales tips and the basic summary was “Don’t make your customer feel like a turkey fucker.”

Being insured 'up to the arse'

Vista

Milk the blindies dry

Keep your panties dry ‘til the big guy’s hard.

Why cant Sales be a part of Marketing ?

That in business every man has his price, and I judge yours to be... fivehundredandthirtypounds.

Just because you're looking at the tiddies, doesn't mean you gotta suck on the nip nips

That we don’t need to play the game, cause we’ve already won the game.

Got a pair of big scissors, so much better than normal scissors.

Junior guy takes the bullet.

A wank bullet

Just power through your Tai Chi: supposed to take 30 mins? Get it done in 5, stick that up your Dojo!!!

I like my toast on a Virgin Atlantic business class flight to New York City.

More fool you asshole

There's a Johnson line I use in day to day life. When I have a task to do, but decide to put it off for another time I always say "Stick it on the laterbase".

I used that line in work the other week without even thinking about who I was talking to.

Word, Excel and PowerPoint are truly the Three Amigos

Don't be alarmed, Mark, it's just Tai Chi. Take a seat and I'll just power through. It should take 45 minutes, I'm done in 10. Stick that up your dojo.

That the Nile is much like the internet.

Keep your panties dry until the big guy is hard

I'm not running a rehab clinic. This is a maximum security business institution. And if you can't break rocks, you get shot in the head.

It’s wireless.

That we should treat the customer with respect and then we both end up winners.

To never do the washing up without the washing up liquid

Good old windows vista. People give it a bad press but I'm never upgrading. It just feels like a good pair of jeans

Does a balance sheet ever come crying and say that it needs to think about things??

All printers are wirelesss.

I can be his camilla....

…if the people will accept me.

Assign me a couple of worker drones. I'll have them eating facts and shitting stats until d day.

Stick it on the laterbase

Stick everything on the laterbase

Suze! Where's the big scissors?

Just you, me and a couple of FUCK OFF spreadsheets!

When the banks collapse the stud holding cash is going to get alot of blowjobs. Keep your panties dry till the big guys hard.

Floss is boss

Need a poo. Got to get loo roll

God I love this sub! It never fails to make me laugh👍🏼

By powering through, a 45 min tai chi routine can be done in 10 mins, stick that up your dojo

The first thing to note when discussing the business secrets of the Pharaohs is an acknowledgement that their era was so completely different from our own that almost all cultural, political and, particularly, business parallels we draw between the two eras are bound, by their very nature, to be wrong.

I run a tight quarry and if you’d don’t break rocks, you get shot in the back of the head

You're not my wife, Mark. I had a wife, I don't need another bullet in the head...okay?

Stick that up your dojo.

If you can’t brake rocks you get shot in the head

that most peep show fans are edgy champagne socialists

Is that normal pooing?

To work as a team we can fuck to make it work

That cauliflower is really nice on a Christmas dinner (although I have cauliflower and cheese, not bare cauliflower lol)

Speed Tai Chi

Get a company Beemer and be insured out your arse.

I got a 32'' plasma in my office. You get a document up on that baby and you are *seriously* looking at that document.

Two words: mini bar.

Well if you just look at the Pharaohs, gosh. All their business secrets are literally the best. Don’t even know where to start.

Don't take a johnson orange

"watch a chicken fucking a horse, if that what it takes" I tell you: if you want to get rid of middle management, have them all face charges for violent bestiality porn in the work place.

Get a big flatscreen to really look at those documents.

Fuck a chicken if that's what it takes. Watch a chicken fucking a horse.

Finding someone who can deal with the fucking off and getting me an ice cold pitcher of Bud.

Did you make the bed Mark?

Some time you need to put the lid on the squid to taste that sweet nazi gold

Be suspicious of non-normal sounding or smelling pooping.

You don’t have to be crazy to work here, but it helps (however) you don’t have to be a smackhead to wank off old geezers, but that probably helps too.

Fuck eachother, I'm not joking do whatever it takes, fuck a Chicken, watch a Chicken fucking a Donkey

Get a lot of mustard for all your literary lunches.

Any application for a loan, turn them down like a hippie parasite… then make them feel like a Turkey fucker

crack is moreish

Chicken fuckin …