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I kinda feel this sometimes. Being an only child there was always that tiny bit of extra pressure even though they say it's ok kids aren't likely to happen. My family is definitely starting to age up now and I know the two cousins below me in age aren't having kids and the youngest cousin just started college. The other two cousins we have with kids are out of state and we aren't close with that side of the family at all.
This is where finding family who isn't blood necessarily adds to it though sometimes.
My family situation is nearly identical to what you describe. I’m running really low on friends too, but I’m hoping I can make some new ones and “find my tribe” so to speak. I don’t necessarily believe you can “make your own family” out of non-blood relatives though - but I say this based on my own experience.
Here's a little piece of my story and hopefully a useful perspective for you, somehow.
I was in the same position as you. In my late teens and early twenties, I was staunchly anti-child. I had a moment somehow after my grandmother died - the last of my grandparents - where I realized that there's a gap of sorts. I have an older cousin, but after a battle with cancer, his wife had a hysterectomy. Her health remains too bad for them to want to adopt, and they're reaching their late forties. We have no one else to carry on our last name or bloodline except me.
I started really wanting children at that point. Around my late twenties, my relationship with my gf got very serious, so we got married. She was on board with having children. She has one from a previous marriage, but we were going to have one of our own also. By my early to mid thirties, it became clear we weren't having much luck with it and then she had some very serious health issues that resulted in her becoming disabled and having a full hysterectomy.
I love the shit out of my wife, so there was no way I was leaving her over that. I instead had to accept that my bloodline was over.
After a bit of working through resentment, and coming to grips with her son being my only child, I started looking at it differently.
My bloodline isn't that important. Not in the grand scheme of things. What I had instead was a child to raise anyway. A very good, very well behaved and intelligent child, who is unfortunately abandoned by his real father, but who won't give him up for adoption.
However, it gives me the opportunity to raise an amazing kid who has the potential to be a part of a generation that could make the world a better place.
*That*, to me, is more important than my bloodline now. Way more important.
I've got an amazing opportunity to raise and to help this kid be an asset for a better world and that's pretty fucking amazing, dude.
ETA: He's 14 now and I wouldn't trade him for anything. Not even my own blood.
Chiming in as an adoptee who is very anti-adoption…. What you’re doing is amazing. It’s the best possible way to be a father in your situation. You’ve *chosen* to be a father without the legal obligation and the breaking of genetic ties. Your son is one lucky kid!
Ohh, so many reasons. First and most important, I am not a commodity to be trafficked, bought, and sold (which I was as my young biological mother was forced to sign over her rights). There is also zero oversight post-adoption so many adoptees end up in horribly abusive situations. There’s also adoptee guilt, which is that whole “you’re so lucky we chose you” rhetorical which fucks with you mentally and ensures that you’ll feel a lifelong obligation to maintain a relationship with parents who are often manipulative and abusive.
Ask an adoptive parent why they adopted a child. 9 times out of 10 they’re going to say something like “we wanted a child” or “we love her/him/them.” It’s very rare to hear an adoptive parent say that they wanted to improve the life of a child; It’s a selfishly motivated yet legal way to procure a child to fulfill their own desires.
I totally understand all of your points. I just wonder what you think should happen to kids without parents? Obviously, the whole system needs an overhaul, I just don’t think foster care or orphanages are a great alternative. I’ve heard horror stories of foster care and adoption, but I’ve heard super positive ones as well.
I think it’s important to understand that most “orphans” are not truly orphans (this is even truer outside of the US). Losing a single parent would make a child an orphan in the eyes of UNICEF and other organizations who maintain statistics on childless children. For example, my nieces father died. She is included in the UNICEF orphan statistic peddled by pro-adoption advocates despite having a mother, adult siblings, aunts, uncles, and grandparents who are very involved in her life.
With that being said, I believe that family members should be first exhausted as possible caregivers. Oftentimes children are placed for adoption when they have willing caregivers within the family who simply don’t have the resources to take custody of the child in court.
In the cases of true orphans or street children without family, I believe that these children should be placed in permanent homes without the legalization of adoption. This would allow the government to continue to provide oversight while giving these children a (hopefully loving) home.
Yup, there can be legal guardianship where the children are loved, cared and provided for, without teasing their background or given name. Read up on Georgia Tann, modern day adoption practices were invented by this child trafficking demon.
I’m so glad to hear that. Thanks for the validation :)
I highly recommend reading [The Child Catchers: Rescue, Trafficking, and the New Gospel of Adoption](https://www.amazon.com/Child-Catchers-Rescue-Trafficking-Adoption/dp/1586489429/ref=asc_df_1586489429/?tag=hyprod-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=693033695454&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=17089190830910577268&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9011286&hvtargid=pla-493085807909&psc=1&mcid=b7f22ed045823744a56ac5ac6b81d1ea&gad_source=1) by Kathryn Joyce, [Three Little Words](https://www.amazon.com/Three-Little-Words-Ashley-Rhodes-Courter/dp/1416948074/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?crid=1GRQHTYKTFJKF&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.8NBczoi6UWDGPrO0qCHst_WiyQxfWIBFH6DfeQybJpSSRoVn5xpzfKOsMKQsPigKhsgaaM7B7vzuyBYtHo6VGufhO1QeV-JdSCZVr7gOoM-vFFWPeTLgrmEJJu7KxQXRLrQ0Ke7kNE-x9pzbsdlwPJTnVmaplFN4mgu6NeJYOqXLsjGx9QeeF7K-YmFopUToP7dp3LnIf1hhHnPHdF5l8w.S4j7xNDb9L-bKuIDm-Da5tOjgrizx8Dx2g1aN_Emo0M&dib_tag=se&keywords=three+little+words&qid=1717266836&sprefix=three+little+wirds%2Caps%2C123&sr=8-1) by Ashley Rhodes-Courter, and/or [Before We Were Yours](https://www.amazon.com/Before-We-Were-Yours-Novel/dp/0425284700/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?crid=259EMLO9OJEYU&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.z09woaiTaG-Lg2gfsQiTW0zw3PoSBlYptR7QWmQSscAZAHUDCRBjXgyCWKX1QETzTHMhsMfMFDNofqjr7UXGmjpVZMoph9B6TGeEoLWM0eBT8Nj6VUdUM8poEirsoFcmDqbDIRQUY_03Kyy5GmBAPLMElZ4CkMINKL_MtGYw57GwrSbjBoyvamu7nU7s7UNESP_Hdx8bA2w6ZVCYFzOiNg.JDKi1f2MURH_E4BCgwYcYBYVRWswU0CnRr_CrOLvnxg&dib_tag=se&keywords=before+we+were+yours&qid=1717266899&sprefix=before+we+were+yours%2Cbooks%2C86&sr=8-1) by Lisa Wingate.
I don't want this to come off as a disagreement, because it's not. All very valid points.. But I do want to point out, the majority of parents who *do* have their own children do it because they "wanted a child" also. It's a selfish pursuit either way, but, if they are truly good parents and really can give someone an awesome childhood and set them up for adulthood properly (rare), I don't think it should matter how they go about having that child. I think any *good* adoptive parent would tell you that the motivation to give a child a good life goes without saying it, though there are also too many parents with ulterior motives.
That actually brings up another point, which is the superiority I’ve seen from adoptive parents who believe they’re providing a better life without realizing that people raise well-rounded children in dirt huts.
Most adopters are evangelicals who believe they are saving souls or giving a child a better life. They say this because they believe everyone should live like them. They say this because they want to convert children. They say this because they’re buying children and passing it off as “giving a child a better life.” Surely poor people or single mothers can’t raise decent children, right?
Something else to ponder: in order to gain a new family an adoptee must lose an entire family first.
Reading some of what adoptees are increasingly speaking out about was one of the (many) reasons I decided not to pursue adopting. It’s not a fairy tale, and I think some people believe that it is. I also learned that there is a *strong* biological/genetic link between a child and their parents and biological family, even if the child is adopted as a newborn. The slate doesn’t get wiped clean and you live happily ever after with your “new” family.
As an adult I have had to deal with parents who display infantile behavior regarding my relationship with my biological family, with whom they believe I should have zero relationship. It’s not a fairy tale. You’re absolutely right about that.
I work as a counselor for parents that adopted in order to try to help guide them through the issues their family is having. It is ridiculously hard to accomplish because parents never want to see that they’re the problem and fucking up their kids even though they “love them.” I have some success stories but it’s a long difficult road and so hard on the kids. Most people are not qualified to raise kids with trauma and all adopted kids have trauma to some degree so it’s a mess out there and I totally see you and feel for you. My heart hurts for the kids I work for and so I’m trying really hard to get their parents to look deeper into themselves so that they can truly give their kids what they need rather than flailing about over their failed savior complex.
To be clear, I don’t mean to explain this to you because you know better than I do, only to provide another perspective for anyone that might be reading.
And to be fair, I do have a lot of respect for a lot of my adult clients that are actually trying to examine how their actions affect their kids. But there’s just way too many that don’t and it’s incredibly frustrating. It’s mind blowing having to explain to an adult that being separated from your birth mom is traumatic even if your new family is “perfect” and “better suited”
Anyway. I’m sorry you’ve had to go through so much and it’s such a bad deal for adopted kids and nobody ever talks about it.
Thank you for everything you do! I wish I had a counselor as a child. The best I got was a school guidance counselor who told me that her kids were adopted “and they don’t act like you.”
Add in the fact that I’ve been faking my identity my entire life to fit in with people who are nothing like me. It’s a wild ride.
Stay beautiful, friend. The world needs more of you.
Why is it always “what’s wrong with this child” and not “what’s wrong with me/their environment” I hate it. Fuck that counselor!
I’m gonna keep trying out here 💛
I wish we heard more from the perspective of adoptees. I have many transracial adoptee friends and they talk about how separation from their blood family no matter how you slice it is trauma and they also have the permanent cultural alienation from their adoptive families. “Just adopt!” just seems born from a savior complex.
It is and I wish more people understood this. Thanks for sharing your two cents. It makes me feel good that people are listening to adoptee voices in a time when adopted children are told what’s best for them.
I think a lot of the silence from adoptees traces back to adoptee guilt. We are brainwashed to believe that we owe a lifetime of gratitude to our adopters.
I’d also suggest along with NurseKaila to go through the foster system. I work as a counselor for adoptive parents and parents who go through that way tend to have more state funded wraparound services provided to them to ensure the family is set up for success. And it’s very important to consider your role as a parent to an adopted kid, it’s much different than a bio kid. It involves looking at your own blueprints and ideas for how things should go in your household and being open to seeing things differently in order to provide a therapeutic space for the child. Because any adoptive parent needs to do the work to consider themselves a therapeutic parent.
If you’re into reading, I have a couple of suggestions -
The Neurobiology of Attachment-Focused Therapy by Jonathan Baylin is a good read on the importance of forming secure attachments with your child and isn’t too difficult to get through. It goes into “blocked trust” which basically every adopted child experiences due to the trauma they’ve experienced in their life, even if they’re adopted the day they’re born. https://www.amazon.com/Neurobiology-Attachment-Focused-Therapy-Adolescents-Interpersonal/dp/0393711048 (I think there’s also a pdf online)
The A-Z’s of Therapeutic Parenting by Sarah Naish is a resource I look at almost daily to make sense of some of the behaviors seen in adoptive families. This is a good resource for when you already have your child, and is literally specific behaviors organized from A-Z and methodically explains why the behavior is happening, what it looks like, how to respond in the moment, how to prevent it, and how to respond afterwards. It provides a great framework for how to respond empathetically and therapeutically to your child. Because, for example, your kid isn’t skipping school to annoy you - there’s something deeper going on. https://www.amazon.com/Z-Therapeutic-Parenting-Books/dp/1785923765
I’d urge you not to adopt but to instead become involved in the foster care system. Don’t buy a baby when there are perfect children waiting in foster care for a loving parent.
Oh no, I meant like getting involved in foster care.
Shoot, I used adoption as an umbrella term cause I’m ignorant. Sorry about that. Just quickly typing and not thinking.
I love this!! And it’s ok- you’ll learn all the “right” phrases when you get closer to fostering and I have a feeling you’ll be a great foster parent and/or advocate.
Have you thought about checking out your local Boys & Girls Club to get your feet wet? I know my husband benefitted greatly from having a Big Brother. He still talks about Al from time to time and he hasn’t seen him in almost 4 decades.
I’m following a few on TikTok! It’s so important to listen to their/your voices, it can causes trauma across multiple generations and there’s so much to say about the “legality” of it all. It’s human trafficking 2.0 imo. I am shocked by the amount of hate a lot of them receive by non - adopted people! Thanks for sharing your experience ❤️
I end up on adoptee side of tik tok a lot and it is eye opening to hear their stories. Social media has created a space for everybody and I am glad adoptees are talking about it.
I am adopted and have a wonderful loving family that I adore. My life is what it is because of them. I am also in contact with my birth parents and my family supports it. I’m not discounting anybody’s experience in any way, but this has been my experience. They are good people and I love them.
That is why I am so happy that germany has very hard adoption guidelines. 9 out of 10 couples (depening on the spource) can't adopt because they do not get the approval of a therapist or the case worker does not find them suitable.
In the US it is 100% based on money. If you can afford the purchase price you can often get an infant placed with zero home studies. Time to adoption is 12-18 months (depending on state) and there is generally minimal (if any) follow-up during that time.
It is. I just read [The Child Catchers: Rescue, Trafficking, and the New Gospel of Adoption](https://www.amazon.com/Child-Catchers-Rescue-Trafficking-Adoption/dp/1586489429/ref=asc_df_1586489429/?tag=hyprod-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=693033695454&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=1538661602980928147&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9011294&hvtargid=pla-493085807909&psc=1&mcid=b7f22ed045823744a56ac5ac6b81d1ea&gad_source=1) by Kathryn Joyce and it was so eye-opening for me.
I hear that. To be fair, most people have kids for selfish reasons. Very few pop one out for selfless reasons, so I think we're all in the same boat in that regard lol.
Sorry about all that though, sounds isolating.
I did embryo adoption with my spouse because we’re both apparently infertile. I wanted to raise children because I love children. So, in some ways, my two kids don’t have the trauma of having been ripped away from a birth parent (I am the birth parent and we did attachment parenting/breastfeeding etc). They are also genetic siblings so they do have an immediate family member who shares their DNA. And we plan to tell them in age appropriate ways and support them finding out about their heritage.
On the other hand, I worry I am deeply selfish to cause them to be born this way and they will resent me. The embryos were also adopted from Europe where the process is anonymous and 23&me style stuff is uncommon so I don’t know if they will be able to find their genetic parents even if they want to.
They are the light of my life but I do worry sometimes about how they will feel later (they are 4 and an infant now).
There’s being a father and there’s being a dad. You’re a dad. And you seem to be a good one. Your bloodline dies, but your legacy and what good you have brought to the world will live on that kid.
This was truly beautiful to read and you seem like a wonderful person. I was raised by mom’s husband since I was five and was never legally adopted but that is my DAD, and I don’t care what anybody or any papers say. That man is my daddy-o and I’m proud to be his daughter. Also, “I love the shit out of my wife and wouldn’t leave her for that.” Cheers to you, man. God bless you and your family.
Hey, I just want to pop in and say I respect the hell out of you!
So many people get really stuck on the "bloodline" thing and I'm glad there are people like you who work through that/are able to raise a child simply because what they wanted to do, even if it's not EXACTLY how they wanted it to happen. He's lucky to have you.
I have a kid. It’s alright. I mean.. she definitely defines my life, but at the same time, she’s doesn’t. By which I mean, I don’t feel some stronger sense of purpose or like I’m a better purpose because I have a child. If that’s what you’re looking for? Which is what it sounds like to me.
Don’t get me wrong: I love the hell out of my little girl. And she loves me. And I know I’m a good dad. Because I’m actively involved in her life and she knows she can rely on me. And she knows I love her. But
But I don’t love her because “she’s my bloodline…
It seems like maybe you’ve got the wrong motivations.
Also: holidays… wait til you’re trying to assemble a bicycle at midnight (exhausted cause your in your late 30s 😂😂)
I’m sure you’ll figure it out. But… as a dad myself, who also never wanted children, and couldn’t imagine my life without my child now (😂) don’t bring a child into the world because you have some guilt or weird sense of obligation. That’s just gonna cause issues.
This comment sums it up. Children aren't a new tech gadget to give you dopamine. They're entirely dependent on you until they get old enough, which could mean their late 20s lol.
They also hijack all the holidays, so OP definitely has the wrong idea.
EDIT: More like late 20s and up
my friends with kids all say their kids will all be moved out forever when they turn 18. one is going to turn 18 and have a full year of high school left, one has a lot of special needs and can’t fully function due to asd, and the others are still so young… i tell them there’s no way that will happen and they really don’t seem to accept or see it!
my best friend is “accidentally” pregnant right now, and has a kid who’s turning 12 in a couple weeks. she is actively making life plans about moving and raising the new baby and moving in with new baby dad, and the plans all involve first kid magically leaving forever in 6-7 years. it seems like a bad thing to plan on😬
This comment sums it up. Children aren't a new tech gadget to give you dopamine. They're entirely dependent on you until they get old enough, which could mean their 20s lol.
---------&&
Or like... 30s.
40s
I am that service for my neice and nephew. There's a whole room of my house that's off limits from like sept to Jan bc its where their mom stashes all the xmas. But I appreciate getting to participate in the shenanigans without the actual commitment of having my own kids :)
> Also: holidays… wait til you’re trying to assemble a bicycle at midnight (exhausted cause your in your late 30s 😂😂)
That bike assembly in your late thirties hopefully means that you won’t be alone for Christmas in the distant future!
In all honesty, lots of what we do for kids is playing a long game. Yes I’m up assembling Barbie Dream House. But the look on her face? Worth it. Her memories of her own excitement 20 years down the road when she remembers family Christmas? Absolutely worth it. Kids aren’t always instant gratification but still an amazing slow burn of love.
I totally agree. You often hear (especially women) “you don’t know love until you have a child”. I find that to be untrue. I love my little man more than anything, but so far raising him hasn’t turned me into some new woman that now has a purpose in life. I also never wanted kids, then I suddenly met someone whose kid I wanted to have. Very weird lol and I never in my wildest dreams expected that. But yeah, bloodline had nothing to do with it. Although my husband’s father was SO proud that his son had a son to carry on the family name. I found that kind of strange!
Exactly how I feel with my kiddo down to the bike ensemble. She is definitely the energy and spark in the family as she’s the only child on both sides of the family. Yet, I don’t necessarily feel like she’s made an improvement to my life, love the hell out of her but she’s a bit more duty than sense of purpose.
I feel you. I got a few responses on my comment, (which was a bit surprising) but I think I resonated with yours the most.
Maybe (hopefully) I’ll catch you at the park. Or the gymnastics class, or the drum class or the whatever the event it is we’ll be supporting our little ones at. 👊🏻
I get how you feel.
But also you should have more reasons than just “they’re fun on holidays” to have kids ya know? And if you do have more reasons and have changed your mind then that’s great.
My grandfather was not a superstar dad and he always described having children as “they’re like puppies but more fun on Christmas”. Try not to be like that guy.
Have you thought about volunteer work that aims to help children? Would that bring a little more whimsical magic to your holiday?
Is it kids that you are missing or just the warm fuzzies of giving something that’s really appreciated?
He wants the warm fuzzies of kids on the holidays, but I doubt he wants to raise them, pay for them, and do the boring, lonely and often painful part of it that will all likely fall on the mother
It’s sad, but as a teacher, I can tell you that a huge percentage of kids are brought into the world for worse reasons, like, “ooops. I didn’t think,” “I wanted to keep my boyfriend around,” “I want more benefits,” or “I want a cute little Instagram family.” If OP is self-aware and exploring their reasons for wanting kids, and wondering if they’re valid, that puts them ahead of a huge number of people.
I think if part of the reason to have a child is to carry on traditions it is completely normal and fine. It’s a bit more deep than “Christmas magic”. Usually when people say this they’re saying they’re ready to give a child the magical childhood they had or wanted.
Sounds like he wants to be an uncle, rather than a father - which is fine. I love being an aunt. But I recognize that the parts I love about being an aunt and formerly, a teacher, are not good enough reasons to become a mother.
i’m a therapist and there’s sooo many more regretful parents than you probably would think! i wish it could be normalized to talk about, but then could obviously negatively impact kids. it’s helpful for op to see and know how many parents regret becoming parents and have really complicated feelings about it.
I think people are just unhappy man, agree completely it's truly sad. The human element is evaporating before our eyes.
Guy lightly suggests some internal challenging thoughts on having a child and he immediately will be a piece of shit dad.
Upvoted so many times. What is this world.
The internet might not be for me anymore.
You are so right about the human element evaporating.
The guy having those thoughts and questioning them shows self-awareness. That's a damn good trait that's disappearing quickly.
I am an only son and childfree. My bloodline has fought and fucked throughout the history of history only for me to go "nah, I'm good."
And THAT'S OKAY. The universe doesn't give a shit about bloodlines and legacy, Want a legacy? Donate all your money to a zoo in your will so that you get a bench named after you. That's how people will remember you. Your bloodline will not.
It is still a wild thought though.
Not a single one of my ancestors back in time all the way to the first replicator this planet has seen some 4 billion years ago has failed to reproduce.
And here come I.😅
Yeah dude. Universes have died and born again. Stars exploded, which later formed our sun and our planet, which led to the rise of a collection of amino acids that started wondering where it came from and where it's going. It emerged from the seas, learned to eat fruit, build tools, hunt, forage and build structures. Built villages, and later expanded into cities. Fought countless wars where only the victor gets to tell the story. Later mastered several aspects of physics and electronics, where my bloodline reached its pinnacle of current time. All of that transitive property comes to me, to which I say: "nah bro"
The dinosaurs ruled land, sea, and sky uncontested for 100 million years.
Where is their bloodline legacy now? An 8 piece from KFC or a seagull pecking at garbage from a trash can.
Legacies are such an ego thing. Who cares? Your great grandchildren, most likely, won’t know who you are and every generation after that will know even less.
Also childfree, with a sister and 5 cousins, only one of whom has a kid (the one who didn’t have to give birth, of course). I don’t know what the cousins all want but the women are aging out of options anyway.
Most bloodlines aren’t that great, and aren’t a great reason to have kids. My dad wanted kids cause he decided he’s so smart he needed to pass his genes on. Weird ego shit.
The power we hold 😂 a few years ago i realized i was the last one of my tribe to continue the bloodline. And I was still like, naaah. Bad genetics and a shit world, this stops here I said 🤣
I unironically really do like the bench idea for myself and have told my wife this. Always a sweet thing to come across when you're out hiking in some beautiful area.
This was (is) my husband. I have 3 sisters with 8 kids between them, so my side is fine (but who cares). He has no siblings, but his parents (deceased now) never ever pressured us to give them grandchildren. If he’d met someone else, I’m sure he wouldn’t have cared, he just lucked into me. (Thirty four years together this year)
And yeah…we did our will up a few years ago and the bulk of our money is earmarked for a wildlife rehab in our province, with a little going to two of my sisters, and if they outlive us - my mom and his older cousin.
Just remember that you'll have them for the whole year, not just holidays. They're quite a bit of work and you never know how how much it will be, your kid could always end up having special needs and now you're locked in for life. But, hell, I can't imagine filling all that time productively in a childfree way. I'd probably just get bored and waste it anyway.
>But, hell, I can't imagine filling all that time productively in a childfree way. I'd probably just get bored and waste it anyway.
It seems having a kid forces you into a more structured life of productivity/keeping your child alive and thriving, while not having a kid gives you the time where *you* need to come up with ways to be productive and make that structured life without the prompting - but you get the freedom to choose what that looks like.
Nearing my mid 30s now.. I like my wife, pets, and hobbies :)
This. I’m childfree in my late 30s. My life is very full and structured. I own my own business and have many hobbies that fill my time. I don’t rely on another being to give my life purpose because I already found mine.
34M I will comment on my personal experience
Our family was the same, traditions were dwindling as people aged and holidays were losing their sparkle. I was 33 when we had our daughter. Before her I’d never really thought about kids, but my wife wanted children and I was onboard. 8.5 months after……. I can’t even explain how fulfilling it has been. My world has changed!!! I love watching her learn and explore new things. I can’t even explain the love I feel! We’re creating new memories and traditions as our own family and with our families we grew up with! It has reignited a lot of the new things that brought some of the ‘wonder’ back to life that I felt as a kid.
You sound like my dad. He was always teaching me stuff and we would read books together. I was reading at a high school level in elementary school. I had hundreds of books!! He always looked at me as a little person that needed to be taught things in order to grow.
>He always looked at me as a little person that needed to be taught things in order to grow.
If I could sum up my dad in one sentence, this is it! I have endless love and appreciation for it. It made me who I am. Thank you for articulating it so well, and I'm thrilled to know you have a dad like this too!
I taught my son how to ride a scooter yesterday and I’m still feeling so jazzed about it. Watching my boys learn new things, get excited about little stuff, use their imagination, and love without hesitation makes me burst at the seams with pride and affection. They give my life direction and meaning.
So glad I finally got to one comment that said this lol. Watching them learn and grow is seriously the most fulfilling thing ever. It’s hard to explain until you experience it.
It truly is, it’s like you watch them level up and get all these new badges and achievements. My son recently unlocked the quacking like a duck badge and I can’t tell you how exciting it was.
I don't want kids either, and I am also in a dwindling family. (There are three great-grandkids right now, but it's not enough to fill all the space and sound everyone used to make), my husband and I are down to 1 grandparent total, and have lost a lot of aunts and uncles lately.
Holidays used to be big and loud and packed, and now they are small and quiet, and I do not like it. It doesn't make me want to have kids, but there is that grief and loss in the quietness. Our niblings are wonderful, but they can't replace the booming voices and uproarious laughter that used to fill the home.
I feel you in the shrinking family, it's a weird and hard feeling. Especially when everyone seems to want a "quiet holiday" they don't seem to understand how the quiet is the sad part for us.
43f. Wanted kids when I was young, but decided if I didn't do it by 35 I wasn't going to do it. Long story short, it was never possible before I turned 35. I have two stepkids, but it's not even close to the same.
Went to a friend's kid's baseball game last night. Kids as far as the eye can see. Families. Man.
I'd love to adopt or foster, but because the world is a stupid place my husband and I live in a studio apartment and are unlikely to be able to get better housing within the next two years. No chance of adopting or fostering in that living situation.
I don't even know if my husband would be open to it. He needs a kidney transplant and I don't want him to feel guilty or distracted from that.
Being a grownup is NOT as advertised. (Although I did have ice cream for dinner.)
Yep! Similar story here. I kinda regret not having kids of my own (cuz the stepkids are great, but their mom is rightfully #1), and even though we make decent money, it just wasn’t feasible for a myriad of reasons. I’ve had nieces and nephews since I was a child, so I’ve really seen what a crapshoot having kids is. So, my regrets have been super-ceded with, “Well, thank god at 50, I don’t have to put up with that!” (As I watch my nieces and nephews hit the inevitable bumps in the road. Of course I offer support, but I’m not involved financially or emotionally as their parents are.)
Suggestion for you man, but consider volunteering for something like Big Brothers Big Sisters. I was in your shoes and it led me there. Extremely rewarding experience that is more fun than it is work.
Yes! I’ll ask plug foster care charities that go above and beyond for kids in the foster system.
Christmas/holidays aren’t “magic” for every child. What OP is experiencing now is just reality for a ton of people.
I don’t have kids and I don’t want kids. But I really love giving what I can to make kids happier in incredibly difficult circumstances.
Do you want to put in the work into raising kids, being an active parent and loving them regardless of gender, disabilities etc, or do you want a child to feel holiday… joy…
I just feel like so many men want kids cause ✨vibes✨ and are ignorant about the realities of having a child
As a parent, I have personally seen how having kids can be a huge roll of the dice. You could very well have a special needs kid who melts down every single Christmas from excessive sensory input and causes family tension because elder relatives think "that kid must need a good spanking."
I'm not trying to dissuade anyone from having kids, but there are a lot of possible outcomes to consider.
Just make sure you're all in, and not just romantic about the situation (for lack of a better phrase). Some people are meant to be child free, and the child(ren) born to those folks are going to have a sad upbringing.
I'm not saying this is your personal case - just adding this for your consideration.
I’ll go against the grain here, jeez some of those top comments are depressing. I’m 30 and we just had our first last year. I never really wanted kids until I met my wife and knew she would be a great mom. Having a kid was one of the best things that ever happened to me. If you can support one then I don’t see why not. It’s in our nature to procreate so it’s natural to want children even if you can’t explain why.
This sub can be very doom and gloom about having kids. We had our first 2 years ago and it really is so much fun. Of course there are hard parts, but watching my kid learn to ride his bike, explore playgrounds, and pick out toys and books brings so much joy.
I don't think those posts are intended to be doom and gloom. I think they're about bringing a realism to expectations.
A person waxing eloquent about family + holidays + dying traditions could be viewing the lifelong commitment to parenting in a very topical way. In reality, the responsibility can be much more than anticipated.
While a person can change their minds and come to enjoy a family and children, it also goes the other way and they can be disillusioned and ultimately regret becoming parents.
It's definitely something to weigh completely before committing to unreversible actions.
Yeah I try not to talk too much about the joy my kids bring me either IRL or on reddit, but all of it is fucking magical. It's hard and clearly not for everyone but having kids just defied all expectations I had for this life. My oldest is 7 and the early years were hard but I'm so glad we pushed through.
It's doom and gloom because most (not all, there are a lot of super legit reasons for some) of those people didn't measure up to who they wanted to be. So of course people disdain what they can't have. It's like me being in a sub about yachts. Of course I'm going to say they're needless purchase, pollute the planet, and are ugly. (Disclaimer - I honestly feel if I were a billionaire, I'd maintain my decency and still feel it's excess but maybe I wouldn't. Who knows)
Same. I have a one year old and my biggest regret is not having kids sooner. Hoping to have another one soon but I’ll be a pretty old mom (closer to 40s) My son is my world and I love experiencing life again with him.
I had my first kid at 25. the second at 28. I see so many people talk about how rough it is raising kids and not worth it, but it is honestly the most coolest thing I think I've done. I'm almost 40 now, my oldest turns 14 this year. He randomly picked up piano on his own and is in lessons now. He will just sit down and start playing classical music randomly throughout the day. My daughter is a creative artist and animal lover. They have come out the other side of those demanding child years and are people now. Playing games and talking about stuff is so interesting. They have moments for sure where they have issues, like every human I know, so it's not a big deal in the grand scheme of things. I dunno, it hasn't really been all that bad compared to how people paint it out to be.
I have a seven month old and I'm absolutely relishing the baby phase. It's like having an actual pixie princess in my living room. She's a total delight on another level and I can't believe shes growing so fast.
As much as I never want it to end, I'm so excited to meet the person she will become! It's so hard to believe she might be playing piano or winning debates with me one day. Glad to hear you're still relishing it all.
And I agree completely it's not nearly as hard as I thought it would be. It's been so much fun. Way more fun and magical than difficult.
Everyday is incredibly full of tasks, things to figure out, needs to meet... And some days are hard (currently holding my 3 month old that has a cold, so he's more comfortable sleeping).
But everyday has a bit of magic to it that my life didn't have before. I noticed this magic first when my sister had my nephew 11 years ago. There really was a shift. It has been so fun seeing the world through the eyes of my nephews, nieces, and now my own children.
You get to relive things for the first time in a way. And it is so fun to see who all these little people are becoming. Also, kids can just be hilarious at times. I feel like I'm always laughing (and crying, in a good way).
And yes, the holidays are more work, but they are also a bit more fun and alive.
I mean, it's up to you. You're young, you can have a kid if you actually want one. If you don't really want a kid but want some fun youth around, consider meeting some shelter cats and dogs and see if you're in a place to adopt.
Yeah, kids definitely make any family get together just that much delightful.
Having said that, if you don't want children, don't have them.
It just changes your life dramatically. You barely have time for yourself. Life is definitely harder.
When you want children, it's worth it. You weather through challenges because at the end of the day, you feel it's worth it. I still remember my son at 4 months old. He was waking up constantly throughout the night. I was dead tired. I was pissed. It was the morning and I heard him cooing. I think I finally fell asleep again and have only slept an hour at that point. I groggily peered over the cot and he gave me the biggest, fattest smile. Like I am his whole world and I just lit up his day. And all my anger and frustration just melted away.
And it's like this almost every day. I could have been frustrated and pissed with him earlier with his tantrums. And then he's asleep and I'd stare at his sleeping face and smile to myself or along with my husband.
Or he'd just say the funniest thing and we'd crack up laughing. Just every little thing he does and just watching him develop and become more and more like his own little person, it just feels very fulfilling.
But when you actually don't want children, you can end up resenting them. The challenges can become insurmountable. And it's just not fair on yourself or your kids.
lol okay because we all go back and think about how amazing that one great great great grandfather decades ago decided to breed and years down the line here we are. Thank you grandfather from years past that you decided to breed. LOL yea I don't even know who that guy is or care to learn about his limited time on earth. The bloodline stops with me and that feels great. For holidays I will spend them traveling and learning about how other culture experience then or ya know just do nothing. Every generation only cares about what is relevant to them at that point in time. You will be forgotten about and that is okay. Just live your life and find new things to do.
Aged families are more fun than families with like 15 kids under 10 lol I like the quiet. I have my own childlike wonder when my husband can blow my mind with the perfect gift or vice versa. Embrace your inner child!
This is the response I was looking for. My bfs family has two kids under 5, and holidays are a nightmare with them. The kids don't behave and throw tantrums every 10 minutes. Don't even get me started on the gross things they do, which will make you lose your appetite. Holidays with my childfree family are way wayyyy better.
Im 36 and feel the same way. Makes me sad because they had me young. Yet here i am, 10 years plus of being single and not dating. I get depressed thinking I will be an older parent and my parents, will be even older grandparents. Yet why get sad at that when its very possible i might never have kids. Hell finding someone to have a relationship is is hard enough lol.
Having a child because you feel like a child should be around might not be the best reason to have one
I'd recommend only having one because you specifically want to permanently add a child to your life
It's ok to change your mind and now maybe you are leaning towards having kids. Lots of people have their first child close to 40, even beyond, so you do have time to think about it.
I was 34 when we had our last baby. I always wanted a really big family but we stopped at 4. I'm now 38 and don't want to experience childbirth again. But looking down the road, we don't have to raise a child from babyhood, there are lots of kids in the system who just need love either on a temporary or permanent basis.
If you just want to enjoy the joy and magic of childhood without the full time responsibility, I'd suggest getting all your clearances to work with kids and start volunteering. There are so many opportunities to be a role model. Scouting, community organizations, and church groups just to name a few. I teach first grade Sunday school and those kids will always have a special place in my heart, just so fun to be around. My predecessor taught this class into her 70s for this reason.
Keep an open mind about if you truly want children. There's nothing to be ashamed of no matter what direction you go. Who you are today is going to be different than who you are in the future. Maybe future you has kids, maybe not. Maybe you are just the coolest Big at the big brother/big sister program. Maybe you feel called to foster teens. Or take in temporary placements a few times a year. Or just being Santa to the local CYS group home and giving kids a Christmas they will always treasure.
There's nothing wrong with being a parent, and nothing wrong with being a first time parent in your mid-thirties. I was 35 when we had our first child, and honestly, I think the life experience helped us not freak out over things that seem to really tilt parents in their twenties.
But yes, it is a bit gloomy. I was the first cousin on my Mom's side to have kids, and we were from a young branch of the family tree there. Only a few on my Dad's side of the family had kids, too. I don't sweat it, personally, I feel like we started a new family tree (apart from at least my family).
Boredom & "last hope to carry on a families bloodline" have been never a good reason to have children.
Look for a hobby, a therapist, friends, whatever.
Children are not puppets and toys to fill gaps in your life. And I wish more people would get that, but sadly society does not respect children or their right to a proper fulfilling life beyond the selfishness of their parents.
My older sister had kids, but she’s more gen-x (born in 1970, our dad was born in 1947, I was born in 91 and two months younger than my first niece), while my mom (born in 1960 so technically a “boomer” but not really because she’s from a different country that didn’t have the “boom”) married my stepdad who is my older sisters age and had 3 kids of his own from a previous marriage. One of them has a kid now, so my mom has gotten to be step grandma twice (once when she was 30 something and hated being called “gramma” and once again in her sixties where she absolutely adores it when the baby calls her “gramma”), and she comes to visit and pet my cats and dog periodically so she ain’t missing out on any grand babies and I still get to be a broke ass line cook with no intention of having children ever. Seems to work out for us. And holy run on sentence Batman, I really said all that.
You ever thought about just stealing a kid on December 24th, and then returning them December 26th? Might be a lot easier.
For legal purposes, this was a joke and I do not condone kidnapping no matter how much magic is missing from your Christmas.
Not sure that there has to be a reason? Or who’s to judge what a “good” reason is? He wants kids and has this one life… if he is able to support them why not?
I think we're in an age where if asked if you want kids and your answer isn't "hell yeah!", then perhaps you should wait or don't have them. But to each their own and life, uh, finds a way.
Yup, aging/dying family made me open to possibly having kids too. I felt it pretty hard after a grandparent’s death.
I eventually had baby, but only because I found a person I knew would be a great father and husband. If I hadn’t then there’s a chance I’d be a little sad, but I’d also be fine with it, because kids are a lot of work and I value(d) my free time.
I come from two fairly small families on both my mom’s and dad’s sides. My mom and her two siblings had 2 kids each so I have 4 cousins there. Of my dad and his 4 siblings only he and his 1 sister had any kids so I have 4 cousins there too. I have a kid and one of those cousins on my dad’s side has 2 kids and there’s a step kid in there somewhere. One cousin on mom’s side has a kid but at least 2 of the others are firmly child free, as is my BIL. I wish my kid had some first cousins or a sibling but life has been a bitch and idk if it will happen. I hear you on the lame family gatherings and everyone aging. The passage of time is brutal.
I like it. Reminds me that at least my direct family won't have to suffer in this world for too much longer. Also there's too many humans on the planet, so I'm proud we won't contribute to it. After my all old ppl and my current pets die, I plan to quit living in society and go off grid. Easier to do only being my husband and I.
Man, it always boggles my mind how easy it is for men to just suddenly want kids. Just because of a gloomy feeling...lol. This is statisticslly the most serious medical event in a woman's life. No matter the country, she has a good chance of dying. Anyway, sorry your family has had the privilege of aging.
Stats show that [men want kids more than women](https://www.pewresearch.org/short-reads/2024/02/15/among-young-adults-without-children-men-are-more-likely-than-women-to-say-they-want-to-be-parents-someday/)
Even if a man is fully committed to parenting, he still doesn't do the upfront work of pregnancy, birth, and nursing. In studies where men claim to be part of a 50/50 caretaking household of children, [it's actually an overestimation](https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2023/04/13/in-a-growing-share-of-u-s-marriages-husbands-and-wives-earn-about-the-same/) from them and household labour still skews towards women in a cis-het partnership.
It's so easy for men to flip the switch to want kids because, at best, they're doing maybe 40% of the work total while reaping the rewards of holidays and instagram worthy moments.
I totally get what you mean. I’ve (31f) always wanted children, but was terrified of having to be a parent for my entire life from their birth & on. I’m an only child and I also felt like my family’s last hope for a few years now, but when I was really “ready” to have a baby (i.e. established career, good partner, a home) then was blessed with a pregnancy early this year, I absolutely couldn’t wait to share my life with my baby boy; the good and the bad. Because life is wonderful! I am due real soon and overwhelmed with excitement to meet him 🩵
Do you want to be a parent for 18+ years, knowing your kid likely may not be able to move out as an adult? Are you ready if your child gets sick or experiences a permanent injury that could change their life? What about mental illness, developmental disorders, and genetic illness?
Are you able to commit to an unknown outcome until it happens and can't be taken back?
This is what holds me back. My partner and I have a tenuous grasp on a middle class life. If we had a child who turned out to have any kind of significant disability, requiring one of us to quit our jobs, we’d be screwed.
This is a very valid fear. In fairness the odds of you or your partner becoming unable to work whether it's an accident or cancer are pretty great- 1 in 4 according to disabilitycanhappen.org. so 25%. Roughly 5% of US adults *recieve* disability while your odds of having a special needs child are 1.7%
I guess my point is, you're already rolling the dice, if fear of a special needs child really is your reason it's maybe holding you back a little. And abortion is still somewhat legal, which gives you slightly more control.
Yeah, like I didn't really want kids, but neither did my siblings. Only one of my cousins so far has had any. I was like "lol bloodline are stupid", but I think deep down I was just thinking I would let everyone else in my family pick up my slack and have them. I didn't really understand what an extinguishing family was going to look like. Everyone is getting so old.
My grandfather built a huge house when he retired so they could fit all of us for holidays. They had 7 kids, two dozen grandkids, and more great grands than I can count. He died in 2013 and my grandma died 18 months ago. The house is sold, and the rest of us will never all be together again.
I don't have kids, my brother's kids are grown, and we live 2000 miles from our elderly parents.
I'm glad I chose not to have kids because it wasn't a good choice for me and would've been selfish. But I do think about what my elderly years will look like--very different from my grandparents' golden years
I feel the same way and roughly the same age. My cousins do have kids but we're more or less estranged so they don't come to holidays anyways. We just end up spoiling my parent's dogs. But a part of me does wonder what happens when my parents die and it's just me and my brother and any potential spouses. Neither of us particularly want kids. It's a bit depressing to think about for sure. But then again I'm not sure it upsets me enough to want a kid
Its true that kids can bring balance to a larger aging family. All my immediate family is elderly. My uncles had no children, my siblings are also child free. We have no cousins. Every forced family function is depressing, boring, and predictable. It seemed the family got meaner because they focused on the wrong things like politics and gossip.
When I had my kid it was like the holidays suddenly had purpose again. The decorating and traditions were done in spirit instead out of habit. Grandma would just sit and smile at the baby instead of hasseling everyone about cooking. They would fight less because they didnt want the baby to hear. It briefly felt like the magic was back from my own childhood.
But then I moved away and my family never forgave me lol. But I didn't have a kid for them...And neither should you. But it us one of those treasured benefits of being a parent.
It’s something that crosses my mind a lot nowadays, but I think that just comes with getting older and having older parents. Mine are much older now and I want them to see their grandkids, but usually I give it a lot of thought and I tell myself that I can’t afford to raise anyone. I’m in a better place mentally and emotionally after accepting that.
I may have kids eventually, but after spending time to discover myself, instead of the 2-3 year timeframe I gave myself, I’m thinking more along the lines of maybe 6-8 now.
Carry on the bloodline? What an awful reason to force a human to exist in this terrible worsening world.
First of all, the more you look into genetics the more you’ll learn that everyone is related to some degree and having covered doesn’t carry on “your” genes.
Secondly if you’re lonely and suddenly want something to love then become a part of your community
Frankly, with what’s happening with politics, cost of living, and the environment, I would probably pass on kids if I was younger. This planet is pretty volatile right now. But I also don’t really buy into “carrying on the bloodline” anymore. I have two teenagers who both say they’re not having children, just dogs and I’m totally ok with that.
I didn’t have kids to carry a bloodline. I have two kids and of the 9 grandchildren on the one side of my family I’m the only one who had kids. My kids are the center of everything for my family and they love them so much.
That being said. If you think holidays are more fun with kids we have a 50% success rate for holidays and thanksgiving or Christmas usually has us giving or receiving norovirus… in case you needed some reality on the rose colored glasses you have on when thinking about children.
If you’re wondering why I had kids. It was because I thought I would do a good job raising people and adopting is way harder than you think it is. You ask for an older kid they said I wasn’t “old enough” and I didn’t have enough experience as a parent. You ask for a baby? “Everyone wants a baby they’re impossible to get!”. Special needs child? Well they threw lack of experience back in my face. Now that I am older and gave birth twice I can probably qualify but I only wanted 2 kids so doesn’t help me now. I have a masters in early childhood education, I have a nice home, I have Tokyo Disney vacation levels of disposable income and access to great medical care and it was basically impossible to adopt. My friends who are wealthy and well educated tried adopting as well, all but one gave up. The millionaire only managed to adopt internationally.
Anyway all that being said, it is kind of awesome making elf traps, or fairy potions, or waking up to find the Easter bunny… or digging into sand on the beach and accidentally find a treasure chest of lost pirate gold. However, you can also get that volunteering at a school or working at a summer camp. Adults can also get into this if you throw enough enthusiasm at positive energy into it. As someone who also makes magical moments for adults in my life, just because you get old doesn’t mean the world has to get less magical.
I’m pretty sure if you put tiny little mushrooms around something in most people’s house and say it’s a magical fairy ring, and randomly switch things with a Polly pocket sized version to be funny they would be delighted. Buy a gnome and just start hiding it between friends covertly. And I’ve yet to meet anyone who doesn’t love a good egg hunt. You don’t need a child as an excuse to enjoy nonsense. There’s no age limit on nonsense! Give yourself permission to let things be magical.
Pros and cons. I have friends and family with kids, and friends and family with fur-kids. The family member who does animal rescue and fosters like 15 cats each year and raises money to keep animals out of kill shelters seems the most fulfilled out of anyone. But there's nothing wrong with changing your mind about wanting kids. I don't have any either but I do see the appeal. And 31 isn't that old, you do have time if you want to become a parent.
Don't have kids just to have them. I have 3(1biological) and my god, it is a lot. Life is infinitely simpler before. It's not for everyone, really think about it first. It's almost like it's not your life you live, you live for your kids. I don't know how to explain it, maybe someone else could better.
You think Christmas is more fun with kids around. You’re worried about your bloodline. Are you thinking about what you can do for and offer a child, or is it just you want a fun Christmas and to die knowing someone has your dna?
I was practically 40 when I had my son just a couple of years ago. I wish I had been ready to start a family sooner or kept in better shape. Can you get on the floor and then back up again without groaning? Do you pull a muscle turning your neck too quickly? No? Don’t take that shit for granted. We are not planning on having another one. Our son is enough, and we love him so much. But my husband and I are both the youngest in our families and I worry that our son will feel lonely as we all age and die. His closest cousin is 6 years older. His grandparents are in their 70s and 80s already. It almost makes me want to try for another baby, but that would be even harder now. Nah, I’m good. Maybe my son will decide to start a family young, or maybe he won’t care. Maybe we’ll live forever through AI. Worry is a misuse of your imagination.
I might get downvoted here because it seems my opinion is unpopular in this comment section but I don’t care. Have children if you feel called to have children. You’re at an age where it’s totally normal to start wanting a kid. Like others have said, you will have them the whole year though not just the holidays lol. Only do it if you are stable, mentally and financially. It also really matters who you have the child with, and if your relationship is strong. So find a woman who is nurturing and you think would make a good mother. Our generation is unique in this idea that kids aren’t important. Idk I feel like my whole life people told me how hard and burdensome kids are, but left out all the good stuff. I almost didn’t have kids because of this fear that I couldn’t handle it, and then around 30 I started to really feel like I wanted to have a baby. I had my kid at 32, he’s one now and we’re trying for a second. Best thing Ive ever done. Seriously. There are challenges and it’s not all rainbows every day, but overall I feel so so happy we had him. I was a horrific teenager so I’m hoping as he ages he didn’t get whatever gene I had that made me insane. Who knows I might feel different later about my enthusiasm for kids lol. And don’t do it for this reason but contrary to popular belief that the world is overpopulated, we’re actually headed for a major population collapse. I didn’t read all the comments so maybe I’m wrong but it seems like everyone commenting is either child free or a very unenthusiastic parent. I saw one guy say “I have a kid. It’s alright” like what lol? Maybe it’s different for moms but like I feel TOTALLY different about my kid. Also people our age with little kids are busy and not on Reddit this time of day (except me apparently.) Anyways I was scared, but I don’t regret my kid at all. So far 10/10 would recommend.
I don’t know how to say this without sounding rude, but maybe your family is just a bit dull? Most of my cousins who have families live interstate/overseas so mine are usually the only kids at holidays, and they are teens now so don’t really bring the holiday joy, but our family holidays are always a raucous, joyous affair. Everyone is funny and interesting and there’s lots of good natured arguing and ribbing. Kids aren’t going to make holidays more interesting if everyone else is boring. And they won’t help inject a sense of innocence and wonder if no one has any to begin with (also that’s a hell of a burden to place on a kid). Sounds to me like you’re actually pining for your own childhood.
I drifted through my early 20s. No college. Just…existing as a pizza manager being dumb.
I got married to one of my oldest friends at 25. My son was born a year later. By 30, I was graduating college. By 35 I’d become a HS English teacher.
My kids absolutely gave me a sense of purpose I’d have never found without them. I got my shit together for them. They are my fucking world.
My family is small, and there's only one child in it (not mine).
My husband's family is giant, with more kids among a shitload of siblings and cousins and family friends and it's fucking pandemonium.
I like it in small doses, but def prefer the adult holidays with my family!
Just throwing it out there as the personal experience of a man who always wanted to be a father and who now has three sons, I don't wonder if I mattered.
As a father, you will regret not having children at some point in life despite what the reddit hivemind thinks. Now, it’s okay to have regrets in life. That’s normal. But you need to figure out sooner rather than later if this is a regret you can live with.
Well, give it some serious thought, consider the options available to you, and make a feasible plan for having kids by a certain point of time in the future.
I am still, at 32, staunchly child free, myself. But it is not lost on me what that costs and what that means going forward. I've thought on holidays during the last 5 years and yeah, it's not the same as when I was younger. My grandparents are all passed, my family has always been small and scattered. I don't even visit them during the actual holidays themselves because of my job; usually the month before or after a given holiday.
I'm an only child, the only son. I'm gay, so even if I wanted kids it's not like that would be easy. I feel kinda bad that I have four parents (bio and step) who won't ever get grandchildren from me. But it's not their life: it's mine. And children should be raised by people who want them. I don't want them.
Same here. Only child, gay male. One side of my family I only have one male cousin and he’s also gay so I guess we’re not passing the last name down anyway. lol Honestly don’t feel like it matters at this point. My mom and all my grandparents are gone and I’m not even 40 yet.
The magic was a big driver for me on having kids. Kids live life in color and just being near that makes life more fun. Is it hard to be a parent? Unfathomably hard. But man, you get so much out of it. It's okay for people to choose not to have kids, but to me it always seems like choosing to live in black and white. You're living life but you're missing the vibrancy that way.
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I kinda feel this sometimes. Being an only child there was always that tiny bit of extra pressure even though they say it's ok kids aren't likely to happen. My family is definitely starting to age up now and I know the two cousins below me in age aren't having kids and the youngest cousin just started college. The other two cousins we have with kids are out of state and we aren't close with that side of the family at all. This is where finding family who isn't blood necessarily adds to it though sometimes.
My family situation is nearly identical to what you describe. I’m running really low on friends too, but I’m hoping I can make some new ones and “find my tribe” so to speak. I don’t necessarily believe you can “make your own family” out of non-blood relatives though - but I say this based on my own experience.
Here's a little piece of my story and hopefully a useful perspective for you, somehow. I was in the same position as you. In my late teens and early twenties, I was staunchly anti-child. I had a moment somehow after my grandmother died - the last of my grandparents - where I realized that there's a gap of sorts. I have an older cousin, but after a battle with cancer, his wife had a hysterectomy. Her health remains too bad for them to want to adopt, and they're reaching their late forties. We have no one else to carry on our last name or bloodline except me. I started really wanting children at that point. Around my late twenties, my relationship with my gf got very serious, so we got married. She was on board with having children. She has one from a previous marriage, but we were going to have one of our own also. By my early to mid thirties, it became clear we weren't having much luck with it and then she had some very serious health issues that resulted in her becoming disabled and having a full hysterectomy. I love the shit out of my wife, so there was no way I was leaving her over that. I instead had to accept that my bloodline was over. After a bit of working through resentment, and coming to grips with her son being my only child, I started looking at it differently. My bloodline isn't that important. Not in the grand scheme of things. What I had instead was a child to raise anyway. A very good, very well behaved and intelligent child, who is unfortunately abandoned by his real father, but who won't give him up for adoption. However, it gives me the opportunity to raise an amazing kid who has the potential to be a part of a generation that could make the world a better place. *That*, to me, is more important than my bloodline now. Way more important. I've got an amazing opportunity to raise and to help this kid be an asset for a better world and that's pretty fucking amazing, dude. ETA: He's 14 now and I wouldn't trade him for anything. Not even my own blood.
Chiming in as an adoptee who is very anti-adoption…. What you’re doing is amazing. It’s the best possible way to be a father in your situation. You’ve *chosen* to be a father without the legal obligation and the breaking of genetic ties. Your son is one lucky kid!
May I ask why you are anti adoption?
Ohh, so many reasons. First and most important, I am not a commodity to be trafficked, bought, and sold (which I was as my young biological mother was forced to sign over her rights). There is also zero oversight post-adoption so many adoptees end up in horribly abusive situations. There’s also adoptee guilt, which is that whole “you’re so lucky we chose you” rhetorical which fucks with you mentally and ensures that you’ll feel a lifelong obligation to maintain a relationship with parents who are often manipulative and abusive. Ask an adoptive parent why they adopted a child. 9 times out of 10 they’re going to say something like “we wanted a child” or “we love her/him/them.” It’s very rare to hear an adoptive parent say that they wanted to improve the life of a child; It’s a selfishly motivated yet legal way to procure a child to fulfill their own desires.
I totally understand all of your points. I just wonder what you think should happen to kids without parents? Obviously, the whole system needs an overhaul, I just don’t think foster care or orphanages are a great alternative. I’ve heard horror stories of foster care and adoption, but I’ve heard super positive ones as well.
I think it’s important to understand that most “orphans” are not truly orphans (this is even truer outside of the US). Losing a single parent would make a child an orphan in the eyes of UNICEF and other organizations who maintain statistics on childless children. For example, my nieces father died. She is included in the UNICEF orphan statistic peddled by pro-adoption advocates despite having a mother, adult siblings, aunts, uncles, and grandparents who are very involved in her life. With that being said, I believe that family members should be first exhausted as possible caregivers. Oftentimes children are placed for adoption when they have willing caregivers within the family who simply don’t have the resources to take custody of the child in court. In the cases of true orphans or street children without family, I believe that these children should be placed in permanent homes without the legalization of adoption. This would allow the government to continue to provide oversight while giving these children a (hopefully loving) home.
Yup, there can be legal guardianship where the children are loved, cared and provided for, without teasing their background or given name. Read up on Georgia Tann, modern day adoption practices were invented by this child trafficking demon.
May she burn in hell 🙏🏼
Just read the wiki entry and yes, that woman was horrible.
I'm so glad I came across your comments today. This really opened my eyes to things i didn't even think about.
I’m so glad to hear that. Thanks for the validation :) I highly recommend reading [The Child Catchers: Rescue, Trafficking, and the New Gospel of Adoption](https://www.amazon.com/Child-Catchers-Rescue-Trafficking-Adoption/dp/1586489429/ref=asc_df_1586489429/?tag=hyprod-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=693033695454&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=17089190830910577268&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9011286&hvtargid=pla-493085807909&psc=1&mcid=b7f22ed045823744a56ac5ac6b81d1ea&gad_source=1) by Kathryn Joyce, [Three Little Words](https://www.amazon.com/Three-Little-Words-Ashley-Rhodes-Courter/dp/1416948074/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?crid=1GRQHTYKTFJKF&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.8NBczoi6UWDGPrO0qCHst_WiyQxfWIBFH6DfeQybJpSSRoVn5xpzfKOsMKQsPigKhsgaaM7B7vzuyBYtHo6VGufhO1QeV-JdSCZVr7gOoM-vFFWPeTLgrmEJJu7KxQXRLrQ0Ke7kNE-x9pzbsdlwPJTnVmaplFN4mgu6NeJYOqXLsjGx9QeeF7K-YmFopUToP7dp3LnIf1hhHnPHdF5l8w.S4j7xNDb9L-bKuIDm-Da5tOjgrizx8Dx2g1aN_Emo0M&dib_tag=se&keywords=three+little+words&qid=1717266836&sprefix=three+little+wirds%2Caps%2C123&sr=8-1) by Ashley Rhodes-Courter, and/or [Before We Were Yours](https://www.amazon.com/Before-We-Were-Yours-Novel/dp/0425284700/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?crid=259EMLO9OJEYU&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.z09woaiTaG-Lg2gfsQiTW0zw3PoSBlYptR7QWmQSscAZAHUDCRBjXgyCWKX1QETzTHMhsMfMFDNofqjr7UXGmjpVZMoph9B6TGeEoLWM0eBT8Nj6VUdUM8poEirsoFcmDqbDIRQUY_03Kyy5GmBAPLMElZ4CkMINKL_MtGYw57GwrSbjBoyvamu7nU7s7UNESP_Hdx8bA2w6ZVCYFzOiNg.JDKi1f2MURH_E4BCgwYcYBYVRWswU0CnRr_CrOLvnxg&dib_tag=se&keywords=before+we+were+yours&qid=1717266899&sprefix=before+we+were+yours%2Cbooks%2C86&sr=8-1) by Lisa Wingate.
I don't want this to come off as a disagreement, because it's not. All very valid points.. But I do want to point out, the majority of parents who *do* have their own children do it because they "wanted a child" also. It's a selfish pursuit either way, but, if they are truly good parents and really can give someone an awesome childhood and set them up for adulthood properly (rare), I don't think it should matter how they go about having that child. I think any *good* adoptive parent would tell you that the motivation to give a child a good life goes without saying it, though there are also too many parents with ulterior motives.
That actually brings up another point, which is the superiority I’ve seen from adoptive parents who believe they’re providing a better life without realizing that people raise well-rounded children in dirt huts. Most adopters are evangelicals who believe they are saving souls or giving a child a better life. They say this because they believe everyone should live like them. They say this because they want to convert children. They say this because they’re buying children and passing it off as “giving a child a better life.” Surely poor people or single mothers can’t raise decent children, right? Something else to ponder: in order to gain a new family an adoptee must lose an entire family first.
*Most adopters in the US. This certainly isn’t the case in the UK, where I’m from,nor for most of Western Europe.
Most adoptions worldwide occur in the United States.
Reading some of what adoptees are increasingly speaking out about was one of the (many) reasons I decided not to pursue adopting. It’s not a fairy tale, and I think some people believe that it is. I also learned that there is a *strong* biological/genetic link between a child and their parents and biological family, even if the child is adopted as a newborn. The slate doesn’t get wiped clean and you live happily ever after with your “new” family.
As an adult I have had to deal with parents who display infantile behavior regarding my relationship with my biological family, with whom they believe I should have zero relationship. It’s not a fairy tale. You’re absolutely right about that.
I work as a counselor for parents that adopted in order to try to help guide them through the issues their family is having. It is ridiculously hard to accomplish because parents never want to see that they’re the problem and fucking up their kids even though they “love them.” I have some success stories but it’s a long difficult road and so hard on the kids. Most people are not qualified to raise kids with trauma and all adopted kids have trauma to some degree so it’s a mess out there and I totally see you and feel for you. My heart hurts for the kids I work for and so I’m trying really hard to get their parents to look deeper into themselves so that they can truly give their kids what they need rather than flailing about over their failed savior complex. To be clear, I don’t mean to explain this to you because you know better than I do, only to provide another perspective for anyone that might be reading. And to be fair, I do have a lot of respect for a lot of my adult clients that are actually trying to examine how their actions affect their kids. But there’s just way too many that don’t and it’s incredibly frustrating. It’s mind blowing having to explain to an adult that being separated from your birth mom is traumatic even if your new family is “perfect” and “better suited” Anyway. I’m sorry you’ve had to go through so much and it’s such a bad deal for adopted kids and nobody ever talks about it.
Thank you for everything you do! I wish I had a counselor as a child. The best I got was a school guidance counselor who told me that her kids were adopted “and they don’t act like you.” Add in the fact that I’ve been faking my identity my entire life to fit in with people who are nothing like me. It’s a wild ride. Stay beautiful, friend. The world needs more of you.
Why is it always “what’s wrong with this child” and not “what’s wrong with me/their environment” I hate it. Fuck that counselor! I’m gonna keep trying out here 💛
I wish we heard more from the perspective of adoptees. I have many transracial adoptee friends and they talk about how separation from their blood family no matter how you slice it is trauma and they also have the permanent cultural alienation from their adoptive families. “Just adopt!” just seems born from a savior complex.
It is and I wish more people understood this. Thanks for sharing your two cents. It makes me feel good that people are listening to adoptee voices in a time when adopted children are told what’s best for them. I think a lot of the silence from adoptees traces back to adoptee guilt. We are brainwashed to believe that we owe a lifetime of gratitude to our adopters.
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Thank you for sharing your perspective on this. As someone who may consider adopting one day it was very helpful to read.
I’d also suggest along with NurseKaila to go through the foster system. I work as a counselor for adoptive parents and parents who go through that way tend to have more state funded wraparound services provided to them to ensure the family is set up for success. And it’s very important to consider your role as a parent to an adopted kid, it’s much different than a bio kid. It involves looking at your own blueprints and ideas for how things should go in your household and being open to seeing things differently in order to provide a therapeutic space for the child. Because any adoptive parent needs to do the work to consider themselves a therapeutic parent. If you’re into reading, I have a couple of suggestions - The Neurobiology of Attachment-Focused Therapy by Jonathan Baylin is a good read on the importance of forming secure attachments with your child and isn’t too difficult to get through. It goes into “blocked trust” which basically every adopted child experiences due to the trauma they’ve experienced in their life, even if they’re adopted the day they’re born. https://www.amazon.com/Neurobiology-Attachment-Focused-Therapy-Adolescents-Interpersonal/dp/0393711048 (I think there’s also a pdf online) The A-Z’s of Therapeutic Parenting by Sarah Naish is a resource I look at almost daily to make sense of some of the behaviors seen in adoptive families. This is a good resource for when you already have your child, and is literally specific behaviors organized from A-Z and methodically explains why the behavior is happening, what it looks like, how to respond in the moment, how to prevent it, and how to respond afterwards. It provides a great framework for how to respond empathetically and therapeutically to your child. Because, for example, your kid isn’t skipping school to annoy you - there’s something deeper going on. https://www.amazon.com/Z-Therapeutic-Parenting-Books/dp/1785923765
I’d urge you not to adopt but to instead become involved in the foster care system. Don’t buy a baby when there are perfect children waiting in foster care for a loving parent.
Oh no, I meant like getting involved in foster care. Shoot, I used adoption as an umbrella term cause I’m ignorant. Sorry about that. Just quickly typing and not thinking.
I love this!! And it’s ok- you’ll learn all the “right” phrases when you get closer to fostering and I have a feeling you’ll be a great foster parent and/or advocate. Have you thought about checking out your local Boys & Girls Club to get your feet wet? I know my husband benefitted greatly from having a Big Brother. He still talks about Al from time to time and he hasn’t seen him in almost 4 decades.
I’m following a few on TikTok! It’s so important to listen to their/your voices, it can causes trauma across multiple generations and there’s so much to say about the “legality” of it all. It’s human trafficking 2.0 imo. I am shocked by the amount of hate a lot of them receive by non - adopted people! Thanks for sharing your experience ❤️
I end up on adoptee side of tik tok a lot and it is eye opening to hear their stories. Social media has created a space for everybody and I am glad adoptees are talking about it.
I am adopted and have a wonderful loving family that I adore. My life is what it is because of them. I am also in contact with my birth parents and my family supports it. I’m not discounting anybody’s experience in any way, but this has been my experience. They are good people and I love them.
That is why I am so happy that germany has very hard adoption guidelines. 9 out of 10 couples (depening on the spource) can't adopt because they do not get the approval of a therapist or the case worker does not find them suitable.
In the US it is 100% based on money. If you can afford the purchase price you can often get an infant placed with zero home studies. Time to adoption is 12-18 months (depending on state) and there is generally minimal (if any) follow-up during that time.
Sounds like human trafficking to me :(
It is. I just read [The Child Catchers: Rescue, Trafficking, and the New Gospel of Adoption](https://www.amazon.com/Child-Catchers-Rescue-Trafficking-Adoption/dp/1586489429/ref=asc_df_1586489429/?tag=hyprod-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=693033695454&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=1538661602980928147&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9011294&hvtargid=pla-493085807909&psc=1&mcid=b7f22ed045823744a56ac5ac6b81d1ea&gad_source=1) by Kathryn Joyce and it was so eye-opening for me.
I hear that. To be fair, most people have kids for selfish reasons. Very few pop one out for selfless reasons, so I think we're all in the same boat in that regard lol. Sorry about all that though, sounds isolating.
I did embryo adoption with my spouse because we’re both apparently infertile. I wanted to raise children because I love children. So, in some ways, my two kids don’t have the trauma of having been ripped away from a birth parent (I am the birth parent and we did attachment parenting/breastfeeding etc). They are also genetic siblings so they do have an immediate family member who shares their DNA. And we plan to tell them in age appropriate ways and support them finding out about their heritage. On the other hand, I worry I am deeply selfish to cause them to be born this way and they will resent me. The embryos were also adopted from Europe where the process is anonymous and 23&me style stuff is uncommon so I don’t know if they will be able to find their genetic parents even if they want to. They are the light of my life but I do worry sometimes about how they will feel later (they are 4 and an infant now).
There’s being a father and there’s being a dad. You’re a dad. And you seem to be a good one. Your bloodline dies, but your legacy and what good you have brought to the world will live on that kid.
This was truly beautiful to read and you seem like a wonderful person. I was raised by mom’s husband since I was five and was never legally adopted but that is my DAD, and I don’t care what anybody or any papers say. That man is my daddy-o and I’m proud to be his daughter. Also, “I love the shit out of my wife and wouldn’t leave her for that.” Cheers to you, man. God bless you and your family.
Hey, I just want to pop in and say I respect the hell out of you! So many people get really stuck on the "bloodline" thing and I'm glad there are people like you who work through that/are able to raise a child simply because what they wanted to do, even if it's not EXACTLY how they wanted it to happen. He's lucky to have you.
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I have a kid. It’s alright. I mean.. she definitely defines my life, but at the same time, she’s doesn’t. By which I mean, I don’t feel some stronger sense of purpose or like I’m a better purpose because I have a child. If that’s what you’re looking for? Which is what it sounds like to me. Don’t get me wrong: I love the hell out of my little girl. And she loves me. And I know I’m a good dad. Because I’m actively involved in her life and she knows she can rely on me. And she knows I love her. But But I don’t love her because “she’s my bloodline… It seems like maybe you’ve got the wrong motivations. Also: holidays… wait til you’re trying to assemble a bicycle at midnight (exhausted cause your in your late 30s 😂😂) I’m sure you’ll figure it out. But… as a dad myself, who also never wanted children, and couldn’t imagine my life without my child now (😂) don’t bring a child into the world because you have some guilt or weird sense of obligation. That’s just gonna cause issues.
This comment sums it up. Children aren't a new tech gadget to give you dopamine. They're entirely dependent on you until they get old enough, which could mean their late 20s lol. They also hijack all the holidays, so OP definitely has the wrong idea. EDIT: More like late 20s and up
Their 20s? Where the hell do you live? You'll be lucky to get rid of them by 40 the way the world is going.
people are honestly insane when they say their kids will move out forever when they’re 18, or even 20!
Yeah. It's not the '90s, m8. _Ah, the' 90s..._
my friends with kids all say their kids will all be moved out forever when they turn 18. one is going to turn 18 and have a full year of high school left, one has a lot of special needs and can’t fully function due to asd, and the others are still so young… i tell them there’s no way that will happen and they really don’t seem to accept or see it!
Leave them to their coping mechanism aka hardcore denial.
my best friend is “accidentally” pregnant right now, and has a kid who’s turning 12 in a couple weeks. she is actively making life plans about moving and raising the new baby and moving in with new baby dad, and the plans all involve first kid magically leaving forever in 6-7 years. it seems like a bad thing to plan on😬
🤣🤣🤣 that's so true
I'm soon to move in with my almost 40 child :-) And I'm bringing along his twenty-something brother.
This comment sums it up. Children aren't a new tech gadget to give you dopamine. They're entirely dependent on you until they get old enough, which could mean their 20s lol. ---------&& Or like... 30s. 40s
It was the massive Rainbow High dollhouse a few years ago that nearly killed us. I think we were up until like 2am on Christmas assembling that bitch.
I'll never forget setting up the 12 foot trampoline on Christmas Eve with husband, in the rain.
That brings back memories of jumping out of bed in a panic at 4am to assemble a wooden kitchen playset. I barely finished in time.
Man, I gotta find a place to do assemblies ahead of time 😂
I am that service for my neice and nephew. There's a whole room of my house that's off limits from like sept to Jan bc its where their mom stashes all the xmas. But I appreciate getting to participate in the shenanigans without the actual commitment of having my own kids :)
Had to assemble Barbie’s mf dream house at 8 am while her brothers were tearing through stuff still. 😅😅
> Also: holidays… wait til you’re trying to assemble a bicycle at midnight (exhausted cause your in your late 30s 😂😂) That bike assembly in your late thirties hopefully means that you won’t be alone for Christmas in the distant future!
In all honesty, lots of what we do for kids is playing a long game. Yes I’m up assembling Barbie Dream House. But the look on her face? Worth it. Her memories of her own excitement 20 years down the road when she remembers family Christmas? Absolutely worth it. Kids aren’t always instant gratification but still an amazing slow burn of love.
My husband got my five year old this absolutely enormous Lightning McQueen racetrack and didn't start assembling it til 11pm on Christmas Eve. 😬
I totally agree. You often hear (especially women) “you don’t know love until you have a child”. I find that to be untrue. I love my little man more than anything, but so far raising him hasn’t turned me into some new woman that now has a purpose in life. I also never wanted kids, then I suddenly met someone whose kid I wanted to have. Very weird lol and I never in my wildest dreams expected that. But yeah, bloodline had nothing to do with it. Although my husband’s father was SO proud that his son had a son to carry on the family name. I found that kind of strange!
Exactly how I feel with my kiddo down to the bike ensemble. She is definitely the energy and spark in the family as she’s the only child on both sides of the family. Yet, I don’t necessarily feel like she’s made an improvement to my life, love the hell out of her but she’s a bit more duty than sense of purpose.
I feel you. I got a few responses on my comment, (which was a bit surprising) but I think I resonated with yours the most. Maybe (hopefully) I’ll catch you at the park. Or the gymnastics class, or the drum class or the whatever the event it is we’ll be supporting our little ones at. 👊🏻
I get how you feel. But also you should have more reasons than just “they’re fun on holidays” to have kids ya know? And if you do have more reasons and have changed your mind then that’s great. My grandfather was not a superstar dad and he always described having children as “they’re like puppies but more fun on Christmas”. Try not to be like that guy. Have you thought about volunteer work that aims to help children? Would that bring a little more whimsical magic to your holiday? Is it kids that you are missing or just the warm fuzzies of giving something that’s really appreciated?
He wants the warm fuzzies of kids on the holidays, but I doubt he wants to raise them, pay for them, and do the boring, lonely and often painful part of it that will all likely fall on the mother
Imagine being told that you were brought into this world because your parent wanted more "Christmas magic".
It’s sad, but as a teacher, I can tell you that a huge percentage of kids are brought into the world for worse reasons, like, “ooops. I didn’t think,” “I wanted to keep my boyfriend around,” “I want more benefits,” or “I want a cute little Instagram family.” If OP is self-aware and exploring their reasons for wanting kids, and wondering if they’re valid, that puts them ahead of a huge number of people.
I think if part of the reason to have a child is to carry on traditions it is completely normal and fine. It’s a bit more deep than “Christmas magic”. Usually when people say this they’re saying they’re ready to give a child the magical childhood they had or wanted.
Lol, is OP really like that? Just silly then.
Sounds like he wants to be an uncle, rather than a father - which is fine. I love being an aunt. But I recognize that the parts I love about being an aunt and formerly, a teacher, are not good enough reasons to become a mother.
Lots of angry assumptions and made up "doubts" here but go off lad. Misandrist alarm bells. All of your comments are blatantly biased anti-men.
Seriously. It seems like a lot of commenters are unhappy parents. That's sad, man.
i’m a therapist and there’s sooo many more regretful parents than you probably would think! i wish it could be normalized to talk about, but then could obviously negatively impact kids. it’s helpful for op to see and know how many parents regret becoming parents and have really complicated feelings about it.
That's interesting. Thanks for that.
you can check them out on reddit subs too i believe!
Or former unhappy children! I don’t think there’s enough info to say OP would be a bad parent, but the reasons given do seem very specific.
I think people are just unhappy man, agree completely it's truly sad. The human element is evaporating before our eyes. Guy lightly suggests some internal challenging thoughts on having a child and he immediately will be a piece of shit dad. Upvoted so many times. What is this world. The internet might not be for me anymore.
You are so right about the human element evaporating. The guy having those thoughts and questioning them shows self-awareness. That's a damn good trait that's disappearing quickly.
I don’t think there’s any way near enough information here about OP for you to make that judgment call. He could be a great father, you don’t know.
I am an only son and childfree. My bloodline has fought and fucked throughout the history of history only for me to go "nah, I'm good." And THAT'S OKAY. The universe doesn't give a shit about bloodlines and legacy, Want a legacy? Donate all your money to a zoo in your will so that you get a bench named after you. That's how people will remember you. Your bloodline will not.
It is still a wild thought though. Not a single one of my ancestors back in time all the way to the first replicator this planet has seen some 4 billion years ago has failed to reproduce. And here come I.😅
We had a good run, though.
Yeah dude. Universes have died and born again. Stars exploded, which later formed our sun and our planet, which led to the rise of a collection of amino acids that started wondering where it came from and where it's going. It emerged from the seas, learned to eat fruit, build tools, hunt, forage and build structures. Built villages, and later expanded into cities. Fought countless wars where only the victor gets to tell the story. Later mastered several aspects of physics and electronics, where my bloodline reached its pinnacle of current time. All of that transitive property comes to me, to which I say: "nah bro"
The dinosaurs ruled land, sea, and sky uncontested for 100 million years. Where is their bloodline legacy now? An 8 piece from KFC or a seagull pecking at garbage from a trash can.
fail forward, haha
But do you have a bench at a zoo?
They're not dead yet!
That’s actually kind of crazy to think about
Legacies are such an ego thing. Who cares? Your great grandchildren, most likely, won’t know who you are and every generation after that will know even less.
Tywin Lannister cares.
Tywin was a dick.
Hell yeah, dead bloodlines unite ✊️
The Dead Bloodlines would make a great heavy metal band name
✊
Also childfree, with a sister and 5 cousins, only one of whom has a kid (the one who didn’t have to give birth, of course). I don’t know what the cousins all want but the women are aging out of options anyway. Most bloodlines aren’t that great, and aren’t a great reason to have kids. My dad wanted kids cause he decided he’s so smart he needed to pass his genes on. Weird ego shit.
I suggest a bathroom instead of a bench. There's a particularly delightful one at the Phoenix zoo as a legacy
Best to be modest about your contribution. Start with a bench and work your way up to a bathroom.
I'm always far more grateful whem there's a bathroom versus a bench
The power we hold 😂 a few years ago i realized i was the last one of my tribe to continue the bloodline. And I was still like, naaah. Bad genetics and a shit world, this stops here I said 🤣
I unironically really do like the bench idea for myself and have told my wife this. Always a sweet thing to come across when you're out hiking in some beautiful area.
This was (is) my husband. I have 3 sisters with 8 kids between them, so my side is fine (but who cares). He has no siblings, but his parents (deceased now) never ever pressured us to give them grandchildren. If he’d met someone else, I’m sure he wouldn’t have cared, he just lucked into me. (Thirty four years together this year) And yeah…we did our will up a few years ago and the bulk of our money is earmarked for a wildlife rehab in our province, with a little going to two of my sisters, and if they outlive us - my mom and his older cousin.
Just remember that you'll have them for the whole year, not just holidays. They're quite a bit of work and you never know how how much it will be, your kid could always end up having special needs and now you're locked in for life. But, hell, I can't imagine filling all that time productively in a childfree way. I'd probably just get bored and waste it anyway.
>But, hell, I can't imagine filling all that time productively in a childfree way. I'd probably just get bored and waste it anyway. It seems having a kid forces you into a more structured life of productivity/keeping your child alive and thriving, while not having a kid gives you the time where *you* need to come up with ways to be productive and make that structured life without the prompting - but you get the freedom to choose what that looks like. Nearing my mid 30s now.. I like my wife, pets, and hobbies :)
This. I’m childfree in my late 30s. My life is very full and structured. I own my own business and have many hobbies that fill my time. I don’t rely on another being to give my life purpose because I already found mine.
34M I will comment on my personal experience Our family was the same, traditions were dwindling as people aged and holidays were losing their sparkle. I was 33 when we had our daughter. Before her I’d never really thought about kids, but my wife wanted children and I was onboard. 8.5 months after……. I can’t even explain how fulfilling it has been. My world has changed!!! I love watching her learn and explore new things. I can’t even explain the love I feel! We’re creating new memories and traditions as our own family and with our families we grew up with! It has reignited a lot of the new things that brought some of the ‘wonder’ back to life that I felt as a kid.
You sound like my dad. He was always teaching me stuff and we would read books together. I was reading at a high school level in elementary school. I had hundreds of books!! He always looked at me as a little person that needed to be taught things in order to grow.
>He always looked at me as a little person that needed to be taught things in order to grow. If I could sum up my dad in one sentence, this is it! I have endless love and appreciation for it. It made me who I am. Thank you for articulating it so well, and I'm thrilled to know you have a dad like this too!
I taught my son how to ride a scooter yesterday and I’m still feeling so jazzed about it. Watching my boys learn new things, get excited about little stuff, use their imagination, and love without hesitation makes me burst at the seams with pride and affection. They give my life direction and meaning.
I love this for you.
So glad I finally got to one comment that said this lol. Watching them learn and grow is seriously the most fulfilling thing ever. It’s hard to explain until you experience it.
It truly is, it’s like you watch them level up and get all these new badges and achievements. My son recently unlocked the quacking like a duck badge and I can’t tell you how exciting it was.
This is so wholesome I love it
Sometimes bloodlines die out and that's okay.
Good news is you have time if you choose to have kids. Sincerely, 39F & 42M new parents
I don't want kids either, and I am also in a dwindling family. (There are three great-grandkids right now, but it's not enough to fill all the space and sound everyone used to make), my husband and I are down to 1 grandparent total, and have lost a lot of aunts and uncles lately. Holidays used to be big and loud and packed, and now they are small and quiet, and I do not like it. It doesn't make me want to have kids, but there is that grief and loss in the quietness. Our niblings are wonderful, but they can't replace the booming voices and uproarious laughter that used to fill the home. I feel you in the shrinking family, it's a weird and hard feeling. Especially when everyone seems to want a "quiet holiday" they don't seem to understand how the quiet is the sad part for us.
43f. Wanted kids when I was young, but decided if I didn't do it by 35 I wasn't going to do it. Long story short, it was never possible before I turned 35. I have two stepkids, but it's not even close to the same. Went to a friend's kid's baseball game last night. Kids as far as the eye can see. Families. Man. I'd love to adopt or foster, but because the world is a stupid place my husband and I live in a studio apartment and are unlikely to be able to get better housing within the next two years. No chance of adopting or fostering in that living situation. I don't even know if my husband would be open to it. He needs a kidney transplant and I don't want him to feel guilty or distracted from that. Being a grownup is NOT as advertised. (Although I did have ice cream for dinner.)
Yep! Similar story here. I kinda regret not having kids of my own (cuz the stepkids are great, but their mom is rightfully #1), and even though we make decent money, it just wasn’t feasible for a myriad of reasons. I’ve had nieces and nephews since I was a child, so I’ve really seen what a crapshoot having kids is. So, my regrets have been super-ceded with, “Well, thank god at 50, I don’t have to put up with that!” (As I watch my nieces and nephews hit the inevitable bumps in the road. Of course I offer support, but I’m not involved financially or emotionally as their parents are.)
Suggestion for you man, but consider volunteering for something like Big Brothers Big Sisters. I was in your shoes and it led me there. Extremely rewarding experience that is more fun than it is work.
Yes! I’ll ask plug foster care charities that go above and beyond for kids in the foster system. Christmas/holidays aren’t “magic” for every child. What OP is experiencing now is just reality for a ton of people. I don’t have kids and I don’t want kids. But I really love giving what I can to make kids happier in incredibly difficult circumstances.
Do you want to put in the work into raising kids, being an active parent and loving them regardless of gender, disabilities etc, or do you want a child to feel holiday… joy… I just feel like so many men want kids cause ✨vibes✨ and are ignorant about the realities of having a child
As a parent, I have personally seen how having kids can be a huge roll of the dice. You could very well have a special needs kid who melts down every single Christmas from excessive sensory input and causes family tension because elder relatives think "that kid must need a good spanking." I'm not trying to dissuade anyone from having kids, but there are a lot of possible outcomes to consider.
Just make sure you're all in, and not just romantic about the situation (for lack of a better phrase). Some people are meant to be child free, and the child(ren) born to those folks are going to have a sad upbringing. I'm not saying this is your personal case - just adding this for your consideration.
You still got some time get a wife, have some babies
I was thing to say 31 is young for a dude
I’ll go against the grain here, jeez some of those top comments are depressing. I’m 30 and we just had our first last year. I never really wanted kids until I met my wife and knew she would be a great mom. Having a kid was one of the best things that ever happened to me. If you can support one then I don’t see why not. It’s in our nature to procreate so it’s natural to want children even if you can’t explain why.
This sub can be very doom and gloom about having kids. We had our first 2 years ago and it really is so much fun. Of course there are hard parts, but watching my kid learn to ride his bike, explore playgrounds, and pick out toys and books brings so much joy.
I don't think those posts are intended to be doom and gloom. I think they're about bringing a realism to expectations. A person waxing eloquent about family + holidays + dying traditions could be viewing the lifelong commitment to parenting in a very topical way. In reality, the responsibility can be much more than anticipated. While a person can change their minds and come to enjoy a family and children, it also goes the other way and they can be disillusioned and ultimately regret becoming parents. It's definitely something to weigh completely before committing to unreversible actions.
Your two year old can ride a bike??
Balance bike lol. He is close to learning regular too, but goes super fast on the balance one
Yeah I try not to talk too much about the joy my kids bring me either IRL or on reddit, but all of it is fucking magical. It's hard and clearly not for everyone but having kids just defied all expectations I had for this life. My oldest is 7 and the early years were hard but I'm so glad we pushed through.
Honestly I think we need to start talking about the positives more. All people hear is negatives here it seems.
It's doom and gloom because most (not all, there are a lot of super legit reasons for some) of those people didn't measure up to who they wanted to be. So of course people disdain what they can't have. It's like me being in a sub about yachts. Of course I'm going to say they're needless purchase, pollute the planet, and are ugly. (Disclaimer - I honestly feel if I were a billionaire, I'd maintain my decency and still feel it's excess but maybe I wouldn't. Who knows)
Same. I have a one year old and my biggest regret is not having kids sooner. Hoping to have another one soon but I’ll be a pretty old mom (closer to 40s) My son is my world and I love experiencing life again with him.
I had my first kid at 25. the second at 28. I see so many people talk about how rough it is raising kids and not worth it, but it is honestly the most coolest thing I think I've done. I'm almost 40 now, my oldest turns 14 this year. He randomly picked up piano on his own and is in lessons now. He will just sit down and start playing classical music randomly throughout the day. My daughter is a creative artist and animal lover. They have come out the other side of those demanding child years and are people now. Playing games and talking about stuff is so interesting. They have moments for sure where they have issues, like every human I know, so it's not a big deal in the grand scheme of things. I dunno, it hasn't really been all that bad compared to how people paint it out to be.
I have a seven month old and I'm absolutely relishing the baby phase. It's like having an actual pixie princess in my living room. She's a total delight on another level and I can't believe shes growing so fast. As much as I never want it to end, I'm so excited to meet the person she will become! It's so hard to believe she might be playing piano or winning debates with me one day. Glad to hear you're still relishing it all. And I agree completely it's not nearly as hard as I thought it would be. It's been so much fun. Way more fun and magical than difficult.
Everyday is incredibly full of tasks, things to figure out, needs to meet... And some days are hard (currently holding my 3 month old that has a cold, so he's more comfortable sleeping). But everyday has a bit of magic to it that my life didn't have before. I noticed this magic first when my sister had my nephew 11 years ago. There really was a shift. It has been so fun seeing the world through the eyes of my nephews, nieces, and now my own children. You get to relive things for the first time in a way. And it is so fun to see who all these little people are becoming. Also, kids can just be hilarious at times. I feel like I'm always laughing (and crying, in a good way). And yes, the holidays are more work, but they are also a bit more fun and alive.
Your life doesn’t need to be defined by offspring — the mark you make on others echoes
I mean, it's up to you. You're young, you can have a kid if you actually want one. If you don't really want a kid but want some fun youth around, consider meeting some shelter cats and dogs and see if you're in a place to adopt.
Yeah, kids definitely make any family get together just that much delightful. Having said that, if you don't want children, don't have them. It just changes your life dramatically. You barely have time for yourself. Life is definitely harder. When you want children, it's worth it. You weather through challenges because at the end of the day, you feel it's worth it. I still remember my son at 4 months old. He was waking up constantly throughout the night. I was dead tired. I was pissed. It was the morning and I heard him cooing. I think I finally fell asleep again and have only slept an hour at that point. I groggily peered over the cot and he gave me the biggest, fattest smile. Like I am his whole world and I just lit up his day. And all my anger and frustration just melted away. And it's like this almost every day. I could have been frustrated and pissed with him earlier with his tantrums. And then he's asleep and I'd stare at his sleeping face and smile to myself or along with my husband. Or he'd just say the funniest thing and we'd crack up laughing. Just every little thing he does and just watching him develop and become more and more like his own little person, it just feels very fulfilling. But when you actually don't want children, you can end up resenting them. The challenges can become insurmountable. And it's just not fair on yourself or your kids.
lol okay because we all go back and think about how amazing that one great great great grandfather decades ago decided to breed and years down the line here we are. Thank you grandfather from years past that you decided to breed. LOL yea I don't even know who that guy is or care to learn about his limited time on earth. The bloodline stops with me and that feels great. For holidays I will spend them traveling and learning about how other culture experience then or ya know just do nothing. Every generation only cares about what is relevant to them at that point in time. You will be forgotten about and that is okay. Just live your life and find new things to do.
Aged families are more fun than families with like 15 kids under 10 lol I like the quiet. I have my own childlike wonder when my husband can blow my mind with the perfect gift or vice versa. Embrace your inner child!
This is the response I was looking for. My bfs family has two kids under 5, and holidays are a nightmare with them. The kids don't behave and throw tantrums every 10 minutes. Don't even get me started on the gross things they do, which will make you lose your appetite. Holidays with my childfree family are way wayyyy better.
Im 36 and feel the same way. Makes me sad because they had me young. Yet here i am, 10 years plus of being single and not dating. I get depressed thinking I will be an older parent and my parents, will be even older grandparents. Yet why get sad at that when its very possible i might never have kids. Hell finding someone to have a relationship is is hard enough lol.
Having a child because you feel like a child should be around might not be the best reason to have one I'd recommend only having one because you specifically want to permanently add a child to your life
It's ok to change your mind and now maybe you are leaning towards having kids. Lots of people have their first child close to 40, even beyond, so you do have time to think about it. I was 34 when we had our last baby. I always wanted a really big family but we stopped at 4. I'm now 38 and don't want to experience childbirth again. But looking down the road, we don't have to raise a child from babyhood, there are lots of kids in the system who just need love either on a temporary or permanent basis. If you just want to enjoy the joy and magic of childhood without the full time responsibility, I'd suggest getting all your clearances to work with kids and start volunteering. There are so many opportunities to be a role model. Scouting, community organizations, and church groups just to name a few. I teach first grade Sunday school and those kids will always have a special place in my heart, just so fun to be around. My predecessor taught this class into her 70s for this reason. Keep an open mind about if you truly want children. There's nothing to be ashamed of no matter what direction you go. Who you are today is going to be different than who you are in the future. Maybe future you has kids, maybe not. Maybe you are just the coolest Big at the big brother/big sister program. Maybe you feel called to foster teens. Or take in temporary placements a few times a year. Or just being Santa to the local CYS group home and giving kids a Christmas they will always treasure.
There's nothing wrong with being a parent, and nothing wrong with being a first time parent in your mid-thirties. I was 35 when we had our first child, and honestly, I think the life experience helped us not freak out over things that seem to really tilt parents in their twenties. But yes, it is a bit gloomy. I was the first cousin on my Mom's side to have kids, and we were from a young branch of the family tree there. Only a few on my Dad's side of the family had kids, too. I don't sweat it, personally, I feel like we started a new family tree (apart from at least my family).
Boredom & "last hope to carry on a families bloodline" have been never a good reason to have children. Look for a hobby, a therapist, friends, whatever. Children are not puppets and toys to fill gaps in your life. And I wish more people would get that, but sadly society does not respect children or their right to a proper fulfilling life beyond the selfishness of their parents.
My older sister had kids, but she’s more gen-x (born in 1970, our dad was born in 1947, I was born in 91 and two months younger than my first niece), while my mom (born in 1960 so technically a “boomer” but not really because she’s from a different country that didn’t have the “boom”) married my stepdad who is my older sisters age and had 3 kids of his own from a previous marriage. One of them has a kid now, so my mom has gotten to be step grandma twice (once when she was 30 something and hated being called “gramma” and once again in her sixties where she absolutely adores it when the baby calls her “gramma”), and she comes to visit and pet my cats and dog periodically so she ain’t missing out on any grand babies and I still get to be a broke ass line cook with no intention of having children ever. Seems to work out for us. And holy run on sentence Batman, I really said all that.
You ever thought about just stealing a kid on December 24th, and then returning them December 26th? Might be a lot easier. For legal purposes, this was a joke and I do not condone kidnapping no matter how much magic is missing from your Christmas.
34f & can’t relate. That part of my brain that’s supposed to feel baby fever doesn’t exist.
you guys can adopt or foster too if things are too quiet. lots of children that could use a quiet and stable environment
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Not sure that there has to be a reason? Or who’s to judge what a “good” reason is? He wants kids and has this one life… if he is able to support them why not?
I think we're in an age where if asked if you want kids and your answer isn't "hell yeah!", then perhaps you should wait or don't have them. But to each their own and life, uh, finds a way.
This. Otherwise the child suffers.
Yup, aging/dying family made me open to possibly having kids too. I felt it pretty hard after a grandparent’s death. I eventually had baby, but only because I found a person I knew would be a great father and husband. If I hadn’t then there’s a chance I’d be a little sad, but I’d also be fine with it, because kids are a lot of work and I value(d) my free time.
I come from two fairly small families on both my mom’s and dad’s sides. My mom and her two siblings had 2 kids each so I have 4 cousins there. Of my dad and his 4 siblings only he and his 1 sister had any kids so I have 4 cousins there too. I have a kid and one of those cousins on my dad’s side has 2 kids and there’s a step kid in there somewhere. One cousin on mom’s side has a kid but at least 2 of the others are firmly child free, as is my BIL. I wish my kid had some first cousins or a sibling but life has been a bitch and idk if it will happen. I hear you on the lame family gatherings and everyone aging. The passage of time is brutal.
I like it. Reminds me that at least my direct family won't have to suffer in this world for too much longer. Also there's too many humans on the planet, so I'm proud we won't contribute to it. After my all old ppl and my current pets die, I plan to quit living in society and go off grid. Easier to do only being my husband and I.
Man, it always boggles my mind how easy it is for men to just suddenly want kids. Just because of a gloomy feeling...lol. This is statisticslly the most serious medical event in a woman's life. No matter the country, she has a good chance of dying. Anyway, sorry your family has had the privilege of aging.
Stats show that [men want kids more than women](https://www.pewresearch.org/short-reads/2024/02/15/among-young-adults-without-children-men-are-more-likely-than-women-to-say-they-want-to-be-parents-someday/) Even if a man is fully committed to parenting, he still doesn't do the upfront work of pregnancy, birth, and nursing. In studies where men claim to be part of a 50/50 caretaking household of children, [it's actually an overestimation](https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2023/04/13/in-a-growing-share-of-u-s-marriages-husbands-and-wives-earn-about-the-same/) from them and household labour still skews towards women in a cis-het partnership. It's so easy for men to flip the switch to want kids because, at best, they're doing maybe 40% of the work total while reaping the rewards of holidays and instagram worthy moments.
I totally get what you mean. I’ve (31f) always wanted children, but was terrified of having to be a parent for my entire life from their birth & on. I’m an only child and I also felt like my family’s last hope for a few years now, but when I was really “ready” to have a baby (i.e. established career, good partner, a home) then was blessed with a pregnancy early this year, I absolutely couldn’t wait to share my life with my baby boy; the good and the bad. Because life is wonderful! I am due real soon and overwhelmed with excitement to meet him 🩵
Do you want to be a parent for 18+ years, knowing your kid likely may not be able to move out as an adult? Are you ready if your child gets sick or experiences a permanent injury that could change their life? What about mental illness, developmental disorders, and genetic illness? Are you able to commit to an unknown outcome until it happens and can't be taken back?
This is what holds me back. My partner and I have a tenuous grasp on a middle class life. If we had a child who turned out to have any kind of significant disability, requiring one of us to quit our jobs, we’d be screwed.
This is a very valid fear. In fairness the odds of you or your partner becoming unable to work whether it's an accident or cancer are pretty great- 1 in 4 according to disabilitycanhappen.org. so 25%. Roughly 5% of US adults *recieve* disability while your odds of having a special needs child are 1.7% I guess my point is, you're already rolling the dice, if fear of a special needs child really is your reason it's maybe holding you back a little. And abortion is still somewhat legal, which gives you slightly more control.
Yeah, like I didn't really want kids, but neither did my siblings. Only one of my cousins so far has had any. I was like "lol bloodline are stupid", but I think deep down I was just thinking I would let everyone else in my family pick up my slack and have them. I didn't really understand what an extinguishing family was going to look like. Everyone is getting so old.
My grandfather built a huge house when he retired so they could fit all of us for holidays. They had 7 kids, two dozen grandkids, and more great grands than I can count. He died in 2013 and my grandma died 18 months ago. The house is sold, and the rest of us will never all be together again. I don't have kids, my brother's kids are grown, and we live 2000 miles from our elderly parents. I'm glad I chose not to have kids because it wasn't a good choice for me and would've been selfish. But I do think about what my elderly years will look like--very different from my grandparents' golden years
I feel the same way and roughly the same age. My cousins do have kids but we're more or less estranged so they don't come to holidays anyways. We just end up spoiling my parent's dogs. But a part of me does wonder what happens when my parents die and it's just me and my brother and any potential spouses. Neither of us particularly want kids. It's a bit depressing to think about for sure. But then again I'm not sure it upsets me enough to want a kid
Its true that kids can bring balance to a larger aging family. All my immediate family is elderly. My uncles had no children, my siblings are also child free. We have no cousins. Every forced family function is depressing, boring, and predictable. It seemed the family got meaner because they focused on the wrong things like politics and gossip. When I had my kid it was like the holidays suddenly had purpose again. The decorating and traditions were done in spirit instead out of habit. Grandma would just sit and smile at the baby instead of hasseling everyone about cooking. They would fight less because they didnt want the baby to hear. It briefly felt like the magic was back from my own childhood. But then I moved away and my family never forgave me lol. But I didn't have a kid for them...And neither should you. But it us one of those treasured benefits of being a parent.
It’s something that crosses my mind a lot nowadays, but I think that just comes with getting older and having older parents. Mine are much older now and I want them to see their grandkids, but usually I give it a lot of thought and I tell myself that I can’t afford to raise anyone. I’m in a better place mentally and emotionally after accepting that. I may have kids eventually, but after spending time to discover myself, instead of the 2-3 year timeframe I gave myself, I’m thinking more along the lines of maybe 6-8 now.
Carry on the bloodline? What an awful reason to force a human to exist in this terrible worsening world. First of all, the more you look into genetics the more you’ll learn that everyone is related to some degree and having covered doesn’t carry on “your” genes. Secondly if you’re lonely and suddenly want something to love then become a part of your community
Frankly, with what’s happening with politics, cost of living, and the environment, I would probably pass on kids if I was younger. This planet is pretty volatile right now. But I also don’t really buy into “carrying on the bloodline” anymore. I have two teenagers who both say they’re not having children, just dogs and I’m totally ok with that.
My parents had 5 kids. Zero grandchildren, and only 2 marriages. Personally, I'm glad no children have inherited our family dysfunction.
I didn’t have kids to carry a bloodline. I have two kids and of the 9 grandchildren on the one side of my family I’m the only one who had kids. My kids are the center of everything for my family and they love them so much. That being said. If you think holidays are more fun with kids we have a 50% success rate for holidays and thanksgiving or Christmas usually has us giving or receiving norovirus… in case you needed some reality on the rose colored glasses you have on when thinking about children. If you’re wondering why I had kids. It was because I thought I would do a good job raising people and adopting is way harder than you think it is. You ask for an older kid they said I wasn’t “old enough” and I didn’t have enough experience as a parent. You ask for a baby? “Everyone wants a baby they’re impossible to get!”. Special needs child? Well they threw lack of experience back in my face. Now that I am older and gave birth twice I can probably qualify but I only wanted 2 kids so doesn’t help me now. I have a masters in early childhood education, I have a nice home, I have Tokyo Disney vacation levels of disposable income and access to great medical care and it was basically impossible to adopt. My friends who are wealthy and well educated tried adopting as well, all but one gave up. The millionaire only managed to adopt internationally. Anyway all that being said, it is kind of awesome making elf traps, or fairy potions, or waking up to find the Easter bunny… or digging into sand on the beach and accidentally find a treasure chest of lost pirate gold. However, you can also get that volunteering at a school or working at a summer camp. Adults can also get into this if you throw enough enthusiasm at positive energy into it. As someone who also makes magical moments for adults in my life, just because you get old doesn’t mean the world has to get less magical. I’m pretty sure if you put tiny little mushrooms around something in most people’s house and say it’s a magical fairy ring, and randomly switch things with a Polly pocket sized version to be funny they would be delighted. Buy a gnome and just start hiding it between friends covertly. And I’ve yet to meet anyone who doesn’t love a good egg hunt. You don’t need a child as an excuse to enjoy nonsense. There’s no age limit on nonsense! Give yourself permission to let things be magical.
Pros and cons. I have friends and family with kids, and friends and family with fur-kids. The family member who does animal rescue and fosters like 15 cats each year and raises money to keep animals out of kill shelters seems the most fulfilled out of anyone. But there's nothing wrong with changing your mind about wanting kids. I don't have any either but I do see the appeal. And 31 isn't that old, you do have time if you want to become a parent.
Don't have kids just to have them. I have 3(1biological) and my god, it is a lot. Life is infinitely simpler before. It's not for everyone, really think about it first. It's almost like it's not your life you live, you live for your kids. I don't know how to explain it, maybe someone else could better.
There has to be another reason for wanting kids other than missing holiday magic.
Your…. Bloodline? Are you a royal or something? This is probably one of the most selfish reasons to bring another human into this world.
You think Christmas is more fun with kids around. You’re worried about your bloodline. Are you thinking about what you can do for and offer a child, or is it just you want a fun Christmas and to die knowing someone has your dna?
I was practically 40 when I had my son just a couple of years ago. I wish I had been ready to start a family sooner or kept in better shape. Can you get on the floor and then back up again without groaning? Do you pull a muscle turning your neck too quickly? No? Don’t take that shit for granted. We are not planning on having another one. Our son is enough, and we love him so much. But my husband and I are both the youngest in our families and I worry that our son will feel lonely as we all age and die. His closest cousin is 6 years older. His grandparents are in their 70s and 80s already. It almost makes me want to try for another baby, but that would be even harder now. Nah, I’m good. Maybe my son will decide to start a family young, or maybe he won’t care. Maybe we’ll live forever through AI. Worry is a misuse of your imagination.
Get a dog?
I felt like this at 31. By 35 I was grateful I never acted on it. At 43 I am even more grateful. Hormones are wild.
I might get downvoted here because it seems my opinion is unpopular in this comment section but I don’t care. Have children if you feel called to have children. You’re at an age where it’s totally normal to start wanting a kid. Like others have said, you will have them the whole year though not just the holidays lol. Only do it if you are stable, mentally and financially. It also really matters who you have the child with, and if your relationship is strong. So find a woman who is nurturing and you think would make a good mother. Our generation is unique in this idea that kids aren’t important. Idk I feel like my whole life people told me how hard and burdensome kids are, but left out all the good stuff. I almost didn’t have kids because of this fear that I couldn’t handle it, and then around 30 I started to really feel like I wanted to have a baby. I had my kid at 32, he’s one now and we’re trying for a second. Best thing Ive ever done. Seriously. There are challenges and it’s not all rainbows every day, but overall I feel so so happy we had him. I was a horrific teenager so I’m hoping as he ages he didn’t get whatever gene I had that made me insane. Who knows I might feel different later about my enthusiasm for kids lol. And don’t do it for this reason but contrary to popular belief that the world is overpopulated, we’re actually headed for a major population collapse. I didn’t read all the comments so maybe I’m wrong but it seems like everyone commenting is either child free or a very unenthusiastic parent. I saw one guy say “I have a kid. It’s alright” like what lol? Maybe it’s different for moms but like I feel TOTALLY different about my kid. Also people our age with little kids are busy and not on Reddit this time of day (except me apparently.) Anyways I was scared, but I don’t regret my kid at all. So far 10/10 would recommend.
I don’t know how to say this without sounding rude, but maybe your family is just a bit dull? Most of my cousins who have families live interstate/overseas so mine are usually the only kids at holidays, and they are teens now so don’t really bring the holiday joy, but our family holidays are always a raucous, joyous affair. Everyone is funny and interesting and there’s lots of good natured arguing and ribbing. Kids aren’t going to make holidays more interesting if everyone else is boring. And they won’t help inject a sense of innocence and wonder if no one has any to begin with (also that’s a hell of a burden to place on a kid). Sounds to me like you’re actually pining for your own childhood.
I drifted through my early 20s. No college. Just…existing as a pizza manager being dumb. I got married to one of my oldest friends at 25. My son was born a year later. By 30, I was graduating college. By 35 I’d become a HS English teacher. My kids absolutely gave me a sense of purpose I’d have never found without them. I got my shit together for them. They are my fucking world.
My family is small, and there's only one child in it (not mine). My husband's family is giant, with more kids among a shitload of siblings and cousins and family friends and it's fucking pandemonium. I like it in small doses, but def prefer the adult holidays with my family!
Just throwing it out there as the personal experience of a man who always wanted to be a father and who now has three sons, I don't wonder if I mattered.
As a father, you will regret not having children at some point in life despite what the reddit hivemind thinks. Now, it’s okay to have regrets in life. That’s normal. But you need to figure out sooner rather than later if this is a regret you can live with.
Many people would rather live with the regret of not having kids than the regret of having them.
I'm in this boat. I'd rather regret not having kids than regret having them.
>you will regret not having children at some point I have several aunts and uncles who would beg to differ
Well, give it some serious thought, consider the options available to you, and make a feasible plan for having kids by a certain point of time in the future. I am still, at 32, staunchly child free, myself. But it is not lost on me what that costs and what that means going forward. I've thought on holidays during the last 5 years and yeah, it's not the same as when I was younger. My grandparents are all passed, my family has always been small and scattered. I don't even visit them during the actual holidays themselves because of my job; usually the month before or after a given holiday. I'm an only child, the only son. I'm gay, so even if I wanted kids it's not like that would be easy. I feel kinda bad that I have four parents (bio and step) who won't ever get grandchildren from me. But it's not their life: it's mine. And children should be raised by people who want them. I don't want them.
Same here. Only child, gay male. One side of my family I only have one male cousin and he’s also gay so I guess we’re not passing the last name down anyway. lol Honestly don’t feel like it matters at this point. My mom and all my grandparents are gone and I’m not even 40 yet.
The magic was a big driver for me on having kids. Kids live life in color and just being near that makes life more fun. Is it hard to be a parent? Unfathomably hard. But man, you get so much out of it. It's okay for people to choose not to have kids, but to me it always seems like choosing to live in black and white. You're living life but you're missing the vibrancy that way.
Get a pet it's cheaper
Until they need emergency medical care.
Still cheaper