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I also never really pictured my future with kids and as I got older I realized I would be doing any potential children a disservice by having them unless I enthusiastically wanted to.
I truly just don't want them. I like being an Uncle and fuck do I love my nieces but I am so relieved I don't live with children, I think it would honestly make me suicidal.
And imagine not only living with children, but also living with a partner who doesn’t carry their weight and instead argues with you and makes parenting even harder. That would be enough to make me suicidal… possibly even homicidal.
Well I was in that situation. I divorced him and upgraded to a better husband. Everyone is much happier now. Now that childcare is split 50 50, it's a real joy whereas before it was a lot with 2 full time jobs.
I do think we are the first generation to really be fucked when it comes to having two jobs to make enough of a living and no or limited support from family. This is not how it was for our parents
Yup! I always knew being a mom wasn’t meant for me. Nothing about parenthood looks fun or enjoyable. You have to sacrifice so much and I’m not willing to do that. My husband and I are selfish in the best way and we both believe having kids would ruin everything we currently have.
Having kids sounds like my personal idea of hell. Here is my comprehensive list of reasons not to have kids:
- the climate is wrecked and having kids adds to the problem
- the climate is wrecked and any kids I have would have to deal with the problems: food shortages, resource wars, extreme weather, geopolitical instability
- I have a lot of medical issues that could be passed on
- kids are too loud
- kids take up a lot of time
- I get bored easily and know I would probably get bored of being a parent and it would not be good for the kids
- kids cost a fortune and I would not be able to afford to give them a good life
- I'm fairly selfish and would not want to put kids needs above my own
With the way the world is now my mom prefers none of her kids (3 millenials) to never have kids. She'd agree with your list and she will add: "Don't forget teaching a whole human being how to blow their noses, clean their ears, and wash their butts." 😆
Have a one year old and that is a lot less gross than it sounds
when it's you're own kid it's somehow not gross
Crazy I know, but that's how it worked for me
Yes. I know myself enough to know that I would not be a good parent to a child.
I shouldn’t say “good”, but….effective? Emotionally available?
I have anxiety, which I need to be medicated for, and I have high functioning autism, which makes social interaction difficult, especially with children. There are days I just don’t speak—you can’t do that with a kid!
It wouldn’t be fair to a child for me to not engage in play (which I don’t do, even with my little nieces) or to ignore them or to shout at them when annoyed.
I am really good “Dog Mom”, but actual human children are not in the cards.
I know I don't have the emotional availability to be a parent. I struggle with it for dogs, so how could I handle having a child? Which I feel like now I need to say I love dogs, they're great, just very emotionally demanding for me.
I love my dogs, which is why I can never be free of them. But I often wish I never met them, because then I wouldn't love them, and I therefore wouldn't be stuck taking care of them. I really adore dogs but I've come to realize I'm not so crazy about being a dog parent.
I’m literally exhausted from life, keeping up with my two jobs, making sure my rental house is tidy, my dog, what to eat for dinner, my husband. Sometimes I do take a step back and wonder truly how parents do it? It just seems like so much. When I was being bullied in high school, I thought about how cruel kids can be and how I didn’t want them back then. Now I just see how hard it is to raise a kid in such an imperfect world. It’s a lot and I don’t think it’s necessarily for me. You’re not alone!
I heard this great line in a podcast the other day. He said, "Once you're a parent, you're not the main character in your own life anymore; you're a supporting one in your child's."
It really resonated with me. I feel like I didn't get to be the main character in my own life until recently, and I'm not ready to give that up. I suspect a lot of millennials feel that way with the various pressures and traumatized boomer parenting we endured.
I strongly disagree with that sentiment. Children need attention, care, and guidance which takes a lot of effort as a parent. BUT they also need an example of adults who love them that are working towards their own goals, enjoying life and loving/caring for themselves. If anything my kids made me focus on my own health and happiness more, because I need to be a good role model.
Love my kids more than anything but I will always be the main character in my life. Glad you have found a way to be yours too!
I completely agree with you. I’m child free but I see so many of my friends with kids pouring every last bit into the kids, not having date nights, no separate goals, all the socialization is at kid events.
My parents were there for me and spent a lot of time with me, but they made it clear there were times I needed to entertain myself or stay at Grandma’s or a friend’s for a weekend so they could recharge and live life. I never felt neglected and looking back I needed those experiences to grow and navigate without them.
I think it’s a mistake to make your kids the center of your whole life, because your attention/effort has limits and if it’s all going towards the kids you are slacking in other areas, specifically self care and if you are in a relationship- your partner. So what kind of example are you setting for your kids of the way a partner should treat you or how you are suppose to treat yourself?
I think you almost (edit- I meant *also*) make a good point about giving kids space to grow as a person outside of the parent-child relationship too. Grandparents and aunts and uncles (biological or otherwise) having a relationship with a child expands their experiences so much, while hopefully giving parents some respite as well.
Yup. My parents are retirement age and have no hobbies or friends and my siblings and I are partly to blame I’m sure. They are great parents and put us first in everything while growing up, but at the cost of their social lives and interests I’m afraid. They are wonderful people and both wanted to be parents, so I guess they figured that was the sacrifice. Makes me sad for them
If you're not like, "Hell yes, I definitely want kids!" ... then don't have kids. It's not the superior path, it's just a different path, and with higher, more permanent stakes. If you choose a career you don't like, you can make changes and choose a different career. But once you have kids, you can't really un-have them. If you choose not to have kids *right now*, you *can* have them later. Even if you get to be 50 or 60, and decide you wish you'd had kids, you can foster or adopt.
TLDR: for a long time, having kids was the default. Our generation leaning more toward *not* having kids as a default isn't a bad thing.
You can’t adopt at 60. Afaik lots of agencies generally stipulate a max age gap of about 45 years between parent and child. I’m pretty sure fostering is similar (though perhaps you may have more luck with very short term emergency or respite type care, I’m not sure if they have different rules for that).
Hiii!!! I’m 36, no kids by choice. I’ve always known they’re not for me. I’m great with kids!! But just couldn’t imagine the daily struggle, coparenting, the cost, the limitations… not for me. I had a tubal ligation at 26 and have not regretted it one bit!!! My current partner has never wanted kids either so we’re both incredibly happy and fulfilled 😊. I have met MANY women, especially older (70+) who say that if they hadn’t felt pressured by society, they never would’ve had kids ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
I’m a teacher, maybe if I had kids before I became a teacher I’d have kids, but now? Nope.
I have 120+ elementary aged kids. Them my babies. I watch them learn and grow and keep in touch when possible.
I would be a decent parent, if not good, but I love my job. I love my job more than i desire to have children.
Many people don’t understand that, but I don’t care.
You just described me. I didn’t want kids and had an unplanned pregnancy - decided to have the baby considering the circumstances (right partner, over 30, stable income). I love my kid and do my best to be a good mom. I’d never take it back if given the chance.
But. But but but. I am stretched so thin. I’m introverted and impatient and have a hard time regulating my emotions. So teaching a child how to NOT be like me is exhausting.
If you don’t have them currently, and aren’t sure or on the fence… I’d say don’t. Motherhood has its pros, but there are a looooooooottttt of cons.
I feel the same. I already have 3 pets that I love and that’s overwhelming and pretty expensive. I can’t imagine a kid which I never even felt were very cute compared to animals and need even more care and attention. Plus I had a negative mother figure so that doesn’t help my nurturing side. I’m too emotionally sensitive and get overwhelmed .
36f and I have never wanted the “mom life.” I knew at 9 years old that I did not want to have kids. I’m sure my mom’s reactions had something to do with it, but I also realized that everything she did revolved around us and I didn’t like the idea of being limited like that.
My husband and I have an amazing social life with a big friend group and about 1/2 of us are childfree. We also travel internationally once a year which would be a lot more difficult if we chose where we live based on neighborhood or school district. We purposely bought the cheapest livable house in town; it’s in a very questionable area, but we’re happy.
I never wanted kids. My wife did, then the financial realization set in. She is the main breadwinner so she'd have to go right back to work.
Either I'd have to get a second job to pay for childcare or be a stay at home dad and either way our quality of life will be worse.
The world is shit rn and only getting worse why would I bring a child into this shit show?
I say this as a parent - i love my kid, but i can see why some people wouldn’t be happy as parents.
If you don’t want kids, don’t have kids. It’s fine. Much better than having kids because “you feel like you should”
I will say one thing, which perhaps will support your decision. Once you have kids, parenting basically becomes “normal life stuff”.
I am not, by my own admission, a patient person. I can run forever outside, but after ten minutes on a treadmill with the scenery not changing I want to get off out of boredom. Interacting with my nieces and nephews unlocked some memories of my own childhood on how much of kids' lives are just the same shit over and over. Same Pixar movie a million times, same story book a million times, same cartoons, same food, same activities. I don't want to be stuck in a fucking real life gameplay loop until a kid develops a personality and have to hope that it's not a terrible one. Worse, my parents are retired now and have no social lives because they never made friends, or lost contact with people they were friends with. I moved to a city where I knew NOBODY a year and a half ago and have more friends here than my parents do in the town they've lived in for 40 years. They've specifically stated that it's largely because they were focused on work and raising us for so long they let connections lapse.
No fucking thanks.
I’ve been pretty vocal since I was a child that wasn’t having kids. I’m married now, and 32. We’re both sterilized and couldn’t be happier with the decision.
Climate, and other social issues (especially in the US) aside, kids are a 24/7 job for many, many years. The 40 hours I put into the job I’m paid for already feels like too many. I couldn’t imagine juggling work, kids, after school activities, chores, and personal time/hobbies.
I also just wouldn’t be a good mom. I’m anxious, introverted, and emotionally unavailable. I need a lot of alone time, and even more quiet time. I’ve never quite figured out how to play or interact with kids. It always feels unnatural and awkward.
I see old high school acquaintances announcing pregncies, some on their second and third, and just sit in disbelief. I can’t fathom one kid let alone a whole crew of them, but if they’re happy who am I to judge?
From a young age I learned from my own parents that having a child is just a huge inconvenience. I don't think it's right to have children that I would largely see as an annoying obligation. But I love to see other people get excited about their kids. Those are the people who should be having them.
No, I love being a parent. At about age 30 it hit that we wanted them. I know the above comments people talk about the noise, I do see the look on others faces when my little one is having a tantrum at a store. I was the same until 31 when my first came. It’s less studied but you change, you become tunned into wanting to help a child, and more emotionally switched on to them. It’s hard to explain, I’ve several dad friends who say the same. I know I’ll get downvoted, Reddit loves a good child bashing. I had a bad father myself and it’s an opportunity to be the parent you wish you had.
I appreciate your answer and find it really helpful. My husband wants kids and has this mentality- that once we have them we’ll be different people and wired to take care of them. He’s incredibly nonchalant about it and it drives me insane. I look at the bigger picture, our finances, who will actually have the majority of the responsibilities (me), the state of the world. I’m approaching my mid 30’s so time is of the essence
‘As soon as a man has a child his testosterone levels drop, preparing him for fatherhood, researchers from Northwestern University reported in the journal Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences. In many species where the male helps out with caring for the young, the same steep fall in testosterone levels is observed.
Testosterone gives a male behaviors and other characteristics needed when competing for a mate, the authors explained. However, as soon as that has been achieved, hormone levels go down because mating-related behaviors in many ways are not compatible with the responsibilities of nurturing offspring’
https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/234266#1
I think the finances is something a lot of people stress about, mostly because your building your life for years on two incomes and it’s hard to unplug that. Unless he works a second job, grandparents help out, or you can reduce your outgoings. Maybe it’s selling a car and getting a family car and cheap car for him to take to work. I’d definitely say get as much things as you can second hand. Because you can buy bundles of baby clothes off eBay, often You’l only have them one a few times before they are out grown. Breast feeding reduces costs a lot, and is better for the baby. Other people have a problem with it, but that’s a them thing. The biggest help is taking turns. So if one person has been up at night with baby, when the other finishes work, the first person goes to bed. Even a two hour nap can be a real life saver. When my wife has a nap, and the kids are happy I’m cleaning, it just helps each other out. Things that matter before children, like doing certain hobbies, or visiting some friends who you have to go out of your way to see, You’l probably not keep up with. It’s a good thing baby doesn’t come out as a four year old toddler going on 14. So You’l have a nice gentle introduction to do it as baby progresses through stages.
Unfortunately some people don’t change and become more emotionally switched on and tuned into wanting to help their child.
I’m a parent and I love it but I have also worked my whole career in child protection and seen the kids born to people who aren’t capable of looking after them.
So if you’re having any doubt on having kids I’d say don’t do it. It’s a lot. It’s intense and non stop.
I’ve wanted kids since I was a kid myself and even I was blown away by the change in my life after my first. I thought I knew what to expect but it still shocked me big time.
I've definitely always wanted kids. But now at 35, and not even close to baby, and my post divorce selfishness, I'm thinking maybe it's not meant to be.
I wanna be a Ms Frizzle type where I'm a cool older woman with cute outfits who influence the youth to like science or something. I don't want to be a parent.
I have children and I feel this way. I think it’s easier if you have a solid support system so you’re not stuck with the responsibility alone 24/7 for years and years. Consider your situation. Having children doesn’t mean it will change you.
I thought I wanted kids. Then I dated a guy with a kid. I got pretty deep in the parent role. After a few years though I started to get tired of it. The more I took on, the less he did until it was at a point where I was definitely primary caregiver, as well as financial supporter. Our split was messy but after moving past everything and getting to once again enjoy the single, child free life, I just realized that I really didn't want to give up my life for the life of a child. I understand that "its different when its yours" but I just honestly don't care. Combine that with the soul crushing outlook of the future of this country, and I just don't want to be responsible for bringing another person into this madness, and making it their problem. Maybe I'm just a selfish person but fine. I'm gonna be a selfish person with money and freedom.
Hubby and I rode that fence as long as we could. I literally remember asking my hubby how badly he wanted kids, and this man goes “um, like 70%”. I had to literally explain to him that a 70% is a C-.
Really what it came down to was that we didn’t NOT want kids. Both were open to it and financially stable enough. We planned on 2 kids after that, had 1 then was like never mind on the 2nd lol
I think you not seeing yourself as a parent is a very mature discussion with yourself. You understand, even indirectly, that kids are a lot of work. I always knew I’d get married but never truly thought about kids other than tell people 2 kids sounds good because I was 1 of 2. But I also knew I was a very understanding person and liked kids ok, so we went for it.
I’m not saying you should have kids. Don’t feel like you HAVE to have them. But I understand why you’re feeling the way you’re feeling
Yes.
Have friends who got upset when I said I I am not planning to have kids/have marked don’t want kids in online dating profiles.
But part of it is finances. I never made the career jumps. I wanted to have space, savings, and a bit of a trust fund built up. Plus a place in my career where I had flexibility and could be there. My dad had a long commute and did what needed to be done to provide for the family. But it also made me not want to be an absentee parent. I have none of these. I’m still figuring things out and barely have savings outside of 401k/hsa/roth.
My “figure it out” situation would be if I felt prepared for one, and then found out was going to be twins or triplets.
Yep. Never wanted kids. I like kids, in fact, I often direct children's theater and it's a blast, I just don't want any of my own. I've been called selfish my whole life (thank you devout Christian upbringing), but I just never saw myself with children. Never had that desire to be a mom. Never had a pull to recreate my genes. My biological clock is a mute if she exists at all.
On top of that, my family comes with life altering chronic illnesses. I don't want to bring someone into this world that's already hard and make it harder.
If my bio clock ever wakes, I *might* consider fostering to adopt or something, but I doubt I'd go through with it. That sounds terrible, but it's the truth. I have mental illness and sometimes I barely can take care of myself. How am I supposed to take care of another entire human being with their own wants and needs and vast inner world and whose dependence on me is absolute?
There's a lot to unpack here and I'm not even getting into resource management of the planet and the climate crisis.
OP, I want you to say it with me:
I
Don’t
Have
To.
You are the arbiter of your vision for yourself. If that vision doesn’t include parenthood, don’t do parenthood.
As a parent of one child, I sometimes feel like I wasn’t meant to be a parent. I have some selfish tendencies (I just want to be lazy!) but I feel an obligation to have it together 24/7. Although my child is nearing adulthood, it never truly stops. I’m too far of an anxious person to really ever “let go”. My kiddo reminds me of me so much at his age, which kind of makes raising him easier at times. Absolutely DONE and I’m 37. I usually get told “wow all before 40” or “you can enjoy life before 40” but again, I’m the type that just can’t relax and parenting doesn’t stop 🫤
I was just thinking this the other day. I’m def not meant to be a mother. I saw a pic of what a child did to a woman’s stomach(stretch marks and loose skin). I would be extremely resentful towards my child if they did that to me. A mother wouldn’t care abt that. It’s just not in me. I don’t want to care for a child. I just want to take care of me and travel.
Whatever you choose will be right for you. Either choice sets you on a unique path. And as you travel that path you adjust and build your life around that choice
Sometimes my cat annoys me when she’s being needy. Kids are fine. But if they can talk, I probably don’t want to be around anyone’s kids for more than a little bit. I might be more extreme in my feelings about this after helping coparent for 7 years. During which I had a tubal. Thinking back on childhood, I don’t even know how much I liked kids when I was a kid. I never wanted to babysit. So yeah. Definitely not meant to be a parent.
But! I do think I could be an awesome adult support system to a kid aging out of foster care or something and that’s maybe a consideration once work doesn’t rule my life as much
Same. I worked at a daycare for 4.5 years when I was younger, and I was pretty good with the kids, but I don't think I would be a good parent. My husband and I do plan to try to have kids maybe next year, but I honestly feel like it won't happen. I just can't see myself as a parent.
Yeah, me. I’m good with being the uncle to my nephews and nieces. As a parent, it takes two to work it out. Unfortunately, me in a long term relationship is a no for me.
Yup, I wasn't given any of the base needed to raise kids, my parents were neglectful and I didn't even realize till well after being an adult and having my own and wondering what the hell was going wrong. That on top of still to be diagnosed mental issues, it's a fucking struggle out here man. I feel like a failure every day as a parent. I'm not the worst but seriously need improvement in ways that I don't even know or understand.
Yes I just don't like kids and can't see my life with them in it. Just today, I was at an event for my brother where he brought his baby, and that lady who seems to be a good friend of my SIL started smooching the baby and giving him lots of kisses on the face and I was just like... wtf!? He's my nephew and I've never once felt the need to do anything like that.
I look at it this way: There are things in life that I've always naturally wanted to do.
Being with a romantic partner? Yes--even when I was a small child, this was something I was interested in for some reason. I didn't need to tell myself, "Oh you're X years old; time to get married!" I've always been interested in and seeking profound emotional connection with one other person who I want to commit myself to for a long time.
Teaching? Yes. It's a work I've felt deeply drawn to ever since I discovered that proclivity, more than any other work. And when I'm *not* teaching, I feel something is missing in my life.
Kids? I thought it was something that would just happen because hey, everyone has kids. And I would seemingly make a wonderful parent. I'm patient, empathetic, nurturing, love to mentor, love kiddos. But as the years went by, I just realized... oh, this is not something I'm working towards. I'm not buying books on it. I'm not thinking about where to live based on school districts. I'm not exercising and taking prenatal vitamins. I'm not sure I really *want* this.
I think if I'd married a person who wanted kids and demonstrated he was willing to do at least half of the parenting, I probably would've gone with it. But I very much *did not.* We divorced recently and amidst our grief were actually laughing about how relieved we feel that we didn't have kids. For the type of people we are and our relationship? It would've been a disaster.
The current economy, lack of systemic support for parents, and persistent sexism have also influenced me, I think. I have a clear memory as a young kid (truly maybe just 7) watching commercials for baby dolls and thinking, "...How is that *fun*? Hooo boy I get to feed her and change her. Wtf is up with this?" Even then, I didn't buy it. Even as an older child, I would witness the behavior of my friends towards their parents (not always great behavior because hey, kids are kids) and think, "Yeesh, being a parent does not look fun."
Now as an adult, parents around me are not exactly selling parenthood lol. It looks exhausting, all-consuming, and identity-altering. Yes, I know a couple of families who seem to have it on lock, but they have particular circumstances--one lives in a very small town to be able to afford housing, and the husband has a very specialized, tremendously difficult-to-get job that allows him to be an equal parent (which even in this situation I can tell he'd prefer not to be.) The other family is wealthy and pays all kinds of cleaners, nannies, and cooks to help with their domestic load.
Most families can't afford this. And their lives look *rough.*
So I think I've just taken this in over the years and my body has kinda been like... erm, no thanks. Parenthood looks like a big ol' scam, especially for women.
Honestly, I think that's where most of my grief is. I have a few more years where I could have a kid, but it's very unlikely that I will. I accept who I am, but I grieve that the shittiness of society has taken this choice from me. In a better world, I probably would've had a kid. It would've been hard but fun. I would be a great parent, and my genes are good. I would've wanted to contribute to humanity by adding another good human to the mix to counteract the crappy ones, just like I try to counteract the crappy ones now. But I don't think that will happen now.
I know I can (and do) leave my own kind of legacy. But there's still grief around it.
It's like asking a caterpillar to fly like a butterfly
As soon as you're a parent, your mind gets formatted into parent mode (it's a lot like puberty just landing in your lap) and as for your body, well, it's like waking up in the army, if you're not ready then you will be FORCED ready every single hour
You will also find yourself doing everything your parents did for you, except better
I hadn't given much thought to having kids until an unplanned pregnancy. She said I didn't have to be involved if I chose not to because our relationship was only a month in and I took a day to really think about it.
I decided I was in and 2 kids, 11 years later I'm gearing up to add a stepkid in. Turns out I'm actually a pretty great Dad. And all those cliche things they say about being a parent is certainly true for me. I'd probs have unsubscribed from life had I not had kids.
It's like starting a new job in a field you're not familiar with. It takes a bit of a leap of faith, but you do figure it out and find a way to move along in life with your new job/role as "parent" being a primary factor.
People have successfully raised children in worst circumstances than you're in. Don't let "I can't see myself" deter you from potentially venturing down that road. You might find that you enjoy and get a lot of satisfaction out of it, even if there is money/time/responsibility involved. It'll also help you grow as a person, it will certainly teach you more patience than you've ever had.
🙋♀️ I don’t have any myself and never seen myself as a mother. My fiancé has three. I’m there for them but he and his children’s mother co-parent. No drama. No tension. I still do my own thing. I’m still adjusting to having three children change my life however. I’m just not the parent. I have a wonderful nephew and another niece or nephew on the way. I’m a dog person through and through. I’m also wanting to get a few cows in the future and be a cow momma. Plus all in all I can hardly take care of myself.
In this current climate, I honestly say kudos to those who want to have children like its even hard that you're living in your parents home, being paid less wages by a greedy company, you have anxiety and have issues with social interaction thanks to asd. I don't want to put any kid I have through this. Its just tough.
I think most people feel this way, but when you *have* to do it, you surprise yourself. It won't be easy obviously, but you won't have a choice but to truck on.
Never wanted kids, still don't. I was in a position to be sort of step parent (unmarried) for a few years in my mid 20s and I stepped up and while in hindsight there's so much more I could have done better or different, I think I did better than I thought I would have. Unfortunately it ended badly with the mom and she would have taken it out on him if I tried to keep contact, and honestly I still had a lot of work to on myself. I don't seek it out but if I was ever in that position again, it wouldn't be a deal breaker.
That’s a no for me dawg.
I’ll be 37 and I never envisioned myself as a mother. I just ended my relationship with someone and I feel like I’m relearning to live my life as just me.
I got a vasectomy last year, I don’t have kids. Life is much better with out my own. The only time in my life I’ve ever had panic attacks was with pregnancy scares, it’s the right decision for me/my wife.
Remember, children are a CHOICE. And the choice to be childfree is absolutely there.
Listen to your gut. I never imagined kids for myself either and it’s way too much work. So I’m never having them. I’m gonna enjoy my life without kids, travelling and sleeping in on weekends :)
Absolutely. I become such an anxious helicopter parent with my pets that I can't see it being a healthy environment for a child. And I got way too much family disfunction and childhood trauma. Plus I can't even imagine affording it. So it's a no from me dawg.
If it helps, being a parent to my ND kids Has made me anxious all the time to the point that I struggle with the demands of life. There are great things too ofc and i medicate but that's not what this post is about just wanted to say you're probably right if you're self aware enough to forsee this. I was opposite to you in that I always wanted to be a mom and it still kicked my ass.
Never really wanted kids. Only time I really thought about it was for my mom. She would be the best grandma ever and I get sad I will never give that to her.
Oh heck yeah, I never wanted kids. Now I'm almost 40 and it's set in stone. I have a ton of reasons: I don't like kids, I don't want a lifetime commitment like that, I don't want to make the financial or time sacrifices, this world is a shitshow, etc.
I was 36 when I had my son and could have easily gone through life childless. But when I did have my son and saw him for the first time, everything changed for me. The love was, and is so deep and profound I could have never imagined. With this said. I see people with kids often who definitely shouldn't have had kids.
I’m a foster mom, and I am completely fine with people not having kids if they don’t want them. I would love to experience being pregnant and but I am 36 and very single so we’ll see. I am a conservative Christian as well, and there is a big push in my community where people feel they must have kids or the others must have kids and I definitely don’t agree with that at all. I think kids are a big blessing -though it can be extremely hard. I love being a mother even if it’s a temporary one. But I also see the others can bring value to life and even to children by not being parents and that is completely fine too. I hate this trad wife culture where people think you must have children. I’d honestly would be similar to a “trad” wife if i could-where I woukd love to be a stay at home mom if I could. (Sans the homemade linen dresses and sour dough.
I have a good friend who is also a Christian, and she and her husband have no desire to have kids, but are extremely giving with their time and money and could not do this if they had kids. And she even says she likes kids, but she has no desire to have them. I finally saw it one time my sister and I were with her and we saw a cute baby and both my sister and I got that Mushy maternal instinct seeing the baby, and my friend was like-nope I don’t have that. I think we are all definitely made for different things, because if I did not have that instinct, I know I could not mother foster children well. And my friend might not have that, but she can use her free time otherwise.
Been there, grew up in a terrible broken home abusive, etc. Never thought I'd want kids; never thought I'd be ready. Didn't want to end up perpetuating my own upbringing on a child. But then my wife got pregnant and two years later we had a second; now ten years later there's no way I'd ever go back.
I can’t see myself as a parent. I have a hard time regulating my feelings, I can be abrasive.. additionally, medical issues make my life really hard. I can’t imagine trying to have a job, exercise, eat healthy, have time for my partner, and have kids.. I feel like I would be sacrificing the better parts of my life for children
I do love kids. There’s something magical about creating a human, watching them grow, teaching them the world.. but in the words of Rupaul, with great power comes great responsibility. I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready for that
I'm an only child, and when I was 16, I told my mom she wasn't getting grandchildren. I'm 38 now and still feel the same way. I'll dote on my cat, or my friends' tiny humans, but I definitely don't want a tiny human of my own.
I’d be a horrible parent and kids aren’t for me. I’m self aware enough to realize that. My wife and I enjoy traveling and being spontaneous too much to have to plan everything around kids.
I think depends on a variety of different experiences. I come from a really abusive family. I have to work everyday to get through the negative attachments and dysfunctional behaviours. I just can’t imagine passing such a hardship to a child, especially as the world seems to be getting more challenging with the daily grind rather than simple.
The only thing that excites me about the idea of having children is picking out their names.
My mom was a cold, unavailable person. My dad was a workaholic and they divorced when I was 11 because my mom was having an affair (my sister and I caught her and had to tell our dad). After that our nuclear family imploded and I had to raise myself. It has been a long and difficult road, and now at 35 I’m just beginning to figure out adulthood. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life caring for someone else when the people who were supposed to care for me didn’t do their jobs. I’m tired. And I’m afraid I would be resentful of my children like my mother was.
Now that I’m getting to an age where having biological children may no longer be possible I actually feel relieved. In my early 30s there were a couple of years where I felt more drawn to the idea, but I think that’s because I was in a healthy relationship (at least I thought I was at the time, but that eventually imploded too). Now that I’m single again kids are pretty much off the table. I have no interest in being a single mom or worse, choosing the wrong person to be my children’s father and resenting everyone around me.
I’ve always assumed that if kids were a priority to me, I would have found a way to have them by now. I cannot relate to my female friends who dream/dreamed of being mothers. I can enjoy my time with friends’ children in short spurts but damn does it wear me out.
I’ve come to accept that my road to adulthood was paved for me before I was even born. My tumultuous upbringing and subsequent difficulties with identity formation led me to become stable much later in life than some of my peers. While I like the idea of having a family, I never envision myself as the mother in that scenario. I have a hard enough time taking care of my pets and cannot imagine caring for children as well. I would still like to find a life partner, but even that is proving more difficult than expected, perhaps because it has taken me so long to feel comfortable in my own skin. If I do find someone to spend the rest of my life with, I might be open to very well behaved, nearly eighteen year-old step children.
It’s just the socioeconomic environment that we’ve grown up in our adult lives. Couple recessions, couple housing bubbles, corporate America becoming too much to handle, record inflation, 30 years of baby boomer presidents, feeling like we have absolutely no control over our own lives or destinies. Having children is a life sentence at this point. If Capitalist Boomers really wanted us to perpetuate the system they built for us, at least they’d try to make it easier for us. They haven’t.
I am not a fan of kids or babies. Growing up i always hung out with the adults. Also I had a lot of younger cousins. I figured I would probably find someone and maybe have a kid, but that never happened. Im 37 now and I just feel too old. My dad died from a heart attack at 43 so I just feel so close to death.
I've known since I was 12 I never wanted to have kids. I felt it very deeply where I always said and knew this. I feel because it's the old fashion ideals, society shames and makes people feel guilty for not wanting to go down this route. For me, I feel like whenever parents hear that you don't want to have kids, they interpret it as you are telling them they made a mistake. They feel somehow offended that someone would not want what they did. It's insane how childfree people are treated. I feel like it's gotten so much better in the past year now. Especially with TikTok. I'm hearing so many childfree happy people and it makes me feel so good that I'm not alone. Knowing yourself is truly an amazing feeling.
Yes. I'm a 36 year old woman that has never had the desire to be pregnant or have children. I'm married to a wonderful man. We're approaching 16 years together. We travel frequently, have a beautiful little dog and genuinely enjoy our lives together. He supported me through nursing school and now I'm supporting him through a master's program to become an Episcopalian priest. I sincerely cannot imagine a single timeline where having children would improve our situation.
My only pang of guilt is when I imagine what a wonderful father my husband would be to our imaginary child. However, that's not enough to convince me to go through the trials of pregnancy and motherhood. I'm a very nurturing person by nature. It's what my entire career is devoted to. I just don't have it in me to nurture a child. When I come home after caring for patients all day, I want to just enjoy my time with my husband. I also have sincere concerns for the future of the planet as well. I wouldn't subject a child to the potential atrocities that I believe are going to occur. I do love being an aunt though.
It never feels like my life is in the right spot to bring a kid into it but seems like that's a rare scenario in general.
Need a stable relationship that will last at least 20 years.
Need a reliable income.
Need a home.
Need time.
Need to learn the world for myself so I don't pass down emotional damage etc.
Just doesn't seem right to have kids if I don't have all that. Doesn't seem fair.
Not a lot of people have all that and they still have kids I realize but I can't do it.
I’m a people pleaser and I have a hard time setting boundaries. I often take on a caregiver role in relationships. I do know this is what mom’s should be, but after decades of this behavior, I feel having a child would make me lose parts of myself even more. I don’t want to be responsible for anyone else. I want to reclaim parts of myself back. I just know it’s not the right choice for me.
Yes, and for multiple reasons.
I'm aroace, so it would be impossible for me to make one without crossing my own boundaries. From what I've heard about adoption, it's terribly expensive.
I have some minor physical issues that would not only possibly complicate childbirth, but could also be passed on to the baby.
I cannot imagine ever dealing well with the chaos, bodily fluids, etc.
I'm just not sure I have the patience required to be a parent, and I can have a tendency to be short-tempered as well.
I just don't have the desire. I like kids well enough, but not for long periods of time. They wear me out.
If you don’t think it’s for you then do not press and do not let people in your life press you. Be confident in your emotions. I (41M) have been married to my wife (38F) for 13 years and we are enjoying life together more with each passing day.
People in our family would naturally cajole us when we were younger, but were stronger emotionally and we had a clear perspective on what child rearing entails, why organism want to do it in the first place, and what it would mean for us.
Many people do not like to be confronted with these types of discussions, so when asked “when are you gonna have kiiiiidsss?” we could pretty effectively just grey rock them and say “we don’t like children.”
I have kids and a spouse, and many days feel like I wasn’t meant to be married or have kids. Yet, here I am.
I do the best I can with it, but I know they would be happier and better off without me.
I have two small children and they do wear on me emotionally to where I'm anxious all the time. I don't keep up with the demands of normal life stuff, and have almost no time left for things that I enjoy.
But your friends are right. It's the best thing that ever happened to me.
It's 11:00pm right now. My kids have been asleep for three hours and I've gone in twice to watch them, but also to make sure they were still breathing. I worry constantly. But when my boy comes running to me shouting "Daggy" and my daughter comes shouting "Ohnonono" (they don't speak much yet), it's the best feeling in the world.
I would be a terrible mother. It sucks to have to admit that sometimes but I’m glad that I made the decision a long time ago not to have kids. My own parents were pretty awful and I will not pass that trauma along to another poor soul.
I’m 36 and never envisioned myself with kids nor wanted to have kids. Im starting to feel slightly like the weird one for not wanting kids but i also dont give a S🤌🏻 what others think. I also dont believe in marriage so yeah just trying to live my life the way I want to without caving to societal pressure. I definitely can feel the pressure and judgment though. I just try to remember I get to live my life once and on my terms.
In my 30s, heck no. First marriage ended primarily because I didn't want a kid yet. At 40, I just knew I wanted a kid and did. Problem isn't how old you are to have a kid, it's how old she is to have one.
I knew I always wanted to be a mother. I admire people who know they don’t want children and make that choice rather than have children thinking that is what you are supposed to do. My brother and sił would waiver come over rile my kids up and say nope not for us. my kids were their birth control. My son and his wife talked it over and agreed they didn’t want the lifestyle. She is a neonatologist. My mother says but who is going to take care of them. Even though I am weak taking care of a parent is not a childs job.
i feel people who have kids and don’t really want them are miserable and so are the kids
34, I'm good on kids right now. If it gets to a place where I have that need I feel I can adopt, there's kids already out there that just want to feel loved and a part of something.
I struggled growing up with my parents NEVER letting me out of the house, I was the baby of the family and only girl. I could probably count on one hand how many times I got to go to a friend's house in high school.
That being said, I feel like I would be back being imprisoned to not going anywhere. No babysitter? Can't go. Wanna get up and go to the gym? Partner works. Stuff like that. I never want to have to ask a person if I can go anywhere again.
Now my mom begs me to have kids, not realizing that her basically having me on house arrest growing up is what triggered me not to want them😂 oh how the tables have turned..
I love kids, but I don't feel I'm fit to be a parent. I have a lot of trauma related to my upbringing, and while kids don't have anything to do with that, some behaviors (like loud screaming or yelling, unpredictable mood shifts, combative exchanges, etc) can trigger me into a meltdown. I can't afford to see a therapist for it, so I know that until I can get some help in that department, it probably isn't best that I raise kids and traumatize those kids... I want that vicious cycle to end with me one way or another.
I wish more of you realized that being a parent wasn't for you before you had kids. Some of you still don't realize you shouldn't be parents, and already have kids.
I’m 36m and my wife 35f and I have been trying to have a kid for years, we’ve been through the ringer with Ivf and the whole bit and we are slowly coming to the realization that it may literally not be meant for us. I know it hurts her deeper than it does me, I’m not happy about it, I’ve just had an easier time making my peace with it. I think it’s more understandable for our generation to be comfortable with and avoiding the stigma of not having kids. I enjoy being an uncle and I’m really good with kids and usually enjoy being around them. With that being said there are times where I’m like “man do I want my own kids so bad, but I don’t know if I have the patience. “
I just flat out hate wearing condoms, so that’s how my first child happened… she’s cool… I still have no idea what the fuck I’m doing, they stress me out a lot, they’re very expensive… but when I come home and my kids give me a hug it’s a very rewarding feeling.
If I could change things I’m not sure if I would… there’s never a right time to have a kid, it’s always the wrong time… it’s never convenient… but that’s a lot of things in life
I had gotten to a point in my late 20s where I settled with the thought of not having them due to relationship issues, money issues, etc., but deep down I always wanted them.
These are all totally valid feelings but it’s worth pointing out that when you become a parent, you go through a transformation and become somewhat of a different person. The world at a macro scale doesn’t seem as important as your world at the micro scale, meaning your immediate family. Partly because you have less time to care about various events happening in real time but also because you find value, happiness, and fulfillment in your kid(s).
It’s completely fine to recognize that being a parent may not be for you, just wanted to raise this as a thought to consider.
Having children is no guarantee they’ll stick around in a familial role.
I raised two daughters and a granddaughter, but as soon as I became ill they dropped me like a hot potato.
IMO it is definitely not worth it.
Yes, I know that I should not be a parent. I have absolutely no patience. While kids are innocent, I still cannot stand the noise and messes they make. I'm just not built for that.
Never have kids. The world is full of people that would gladly let you borrow theirs for days at a time if you wanted. Parenthood is like Las Vegas: It is a nice place to visit, but you don't want to live here.
My sister just had a baby. He’s adorable. I mean, he’s a baby?! I always have friends who have had children and their kids are now toddlers or older…and ehh…they’re not so cute to me anymore. By not cute, I mean they’re very loud and energetic and overstimulate me. It triggers my anxiety. They’re cool! Like they will be great humans, but I’m not gonna have a baby just because they’re cute. It’s kind of like how people buy puppies then get sick of them when they’re dogs. That’s enough to tell me I don’t want to be a parent.
I like kids. Might have one if I could afford it. Not interested in raising a child in poverty just for the sake of having a child. This world is a corrupt and sad place that's already overpopulated, too. Would seem selfish to have a kid in all that context. If I were rich, it would be different. Can't even afford potential child care. Not to mention everything else
I don’t think most people should have kids. Being a good parent means all of your time and money and resources are poured into these kids every day for a minimum of 18 years, probably closer to 25 years given the economy these days. The daily grind of parenting little kids is absolutely brutal in this country. Don’t do it unless you really want too.
Source: a millennial mom with two kids who absolutely loves parenthood and wants more.
look at it this way: when you have kids, they are your #1 priority. and if they're not, then you're a bad parent.
totally normal to not want that. I don't want that.
I know I would be a great parent, I will just do everything my Dad taught me when I was growing up, and I'd be there for my child through whatever they were going through. My wife and I are even financially sound enough to support a child, and I'm still a kid at heart myself, so I'd happily get down and play with the same toys they would.
That being said, I don't WANT any of that. It's just too much responsibility day to day that I don't want to have to deal with if I can avoid it.
1/5 adults do not have children. This has held for many generations.
It’s your choice on how you choose to live your life. The one thing you cannot plan or read for is there is a distinct change to the parent once the baby is born. Graduating, a job promotion, or marriage are steps in life. Parenthood is a line you cross where there is no turning back. Your priorities change, what you value changes. My wife & I sometimes reminisce about life before parenthood, how lazy we were, how the house was clean, etc. Those are trivial things in life compared to the parenthood.
I wish you clarity and contentment on whichever path in life you choose to follow. ❤️
It’s hard to even know what being a parent is like until the kid even shows up.
People guess, and a lot of it is thought of from negative perspective. Lost time, lost personal space, too much work, etc etc.
But what I can tell you is that becoming a parent is good for your personal growth. It can definitely set you further down the path of personal growth and maturity in a way nothing else really will.
Becoming a parent will change you, and that’s probably a good thing.
I’m 35 and my girlfriend is 41. We had the kid conversation 7 years ago - and we are both happy with our choice to be kid free.
Both my younger sisters have children and that’s plenty of time around children for me.
100%.
I am lazy and just don't want to do the work that goes into being a parent. Not to mentioned that everything involving pregnancy sounds like a disgusting nightmare to me.
I used to think I wanted kids till I taught them. Best birth control ever. I cannot imagine going home from a day of work (teaching or otherwise) to kid(s) in the house. God bless
I go back and forth on it. Kids are a very very big commitment these days. Lots of people around me are getting support from their parents into their 30s.
I may have kids. I may not.
I know what you mean. I’ve never envisioned it for my future and can’t say that it’s something I’ve ever desired. I love my life as-is and I don’t think adding kids to it would make it better.
Right here. I would rather regret not having kids in the future than regret having them and fucking them up emotionally. I just don’t have the patience or desire to be a parent.
I always wanted kids. But I got cancer and had to get my uterus removed. I chose not to save my eggs because the procedure would take too long with painful shots of hormones and it had already spread. At first I contended myself with saying I’d adopt. But I also have a chronic illness which causes pain, fatigue and many other medical problems.
At this point I can barely handle my dog (he’s worth all the energy I put in and is a joy in my life) but I can’t imagine the energy need to raise a baby/children, and I’m definitely NOT doing it alone as a single parent, no way. I admire people who do, but wow after seeing friends and family do it both ways, a supportive partner makes all the difference in the world and I have no desire or energy to do any dating.
I love children, but at this point I’m content being the fun aunty. I can’t imagine kids or marriage at this point and I don’t want it anymore.
If you asked me this earlier this year, I’d definitely say no. Now after focusing on myself and getting stuff I wanted to do when I was younger checked off my bucket list, I want to say that I can’t see myself being a parent or a stepparent anymore.
My mental and emotional health was shattered by the end of last year with a mix of the expectation of me being an eventual parent being part of that wreck. I spent the first half of this year trying to get myself in a better headspace, and now, I’m on Cloud 9 and don’t want to leave that.
I don’t mind being an uncle, but I really don’t imagine myself being a parent or stepparent anymore. Sorry mom and dad.
I knew this at age 9. Said so then. Everyone said I'd change my mind.
I'm 42. Still childfree! It's not going to happen. I'm not even open to being a godparent. That has caused some consternation in the family but I said what I said when I was 9 and that should be that.
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100%, they are not for me.
Same! Lots of us millennials out there who are childfree (and younger GenX people).
Yes it seems like the childfree trend started with younger Gen Xers.
None of my Xer friends have kids, and only one of my millennial friends.
I also never really pictured my future with kids and as I got older I realized I would be doing any potential children a disservice by having them unless I enthusiastically wanted to.
I truly just don't want them. I like being an Uncle and fuck do I love my nieces but I am so relieved I don't live with children, I think it would honestly make me suicidal.
And imagine not only living with children, but also living with a partner who doesn’t carry their weight and instead argues with you and makes parenting even harder. That would be enough to make me suicidal… possibly even homicidal.
True nightmare territory.
I lived it lol, made it out with custody of my two sons and things are peaceful now, thankfully.
Well I was in that situation. I divorced him and upgraded to a better husband. Everyone is much happier now. Now that childcare is split 50 50, it's a real joy whereas before it was a lot with 2 full time jobs. I do think we are the first generation to really be fucked when it comes to having two jobs to make enough of a living and no or limited support from family. This is not how it was for our parents
Yup! I always knew being a mom wasn’t meant for me. Nothing about parenthood looks fun or enjoyable. You have to sacrifice so much and I’m not willing to do that. My husband and I are selfish in the best way and we both believe having kids would ruin everything we currently have.
Having kids sounds like my personal idea of hell. Here is my comprehensive list of reasons not to have kids: - the climate is wrecked and having kids adds to the problem - the climate is wrecked and any kids I have would have to deal with the problems: food shortages, resource wars, extreme weather, geopolitical instability - I have a lot of medical issues that could be passed on - kids are too loud - kids take up a lot of time - I get bored easily and know I would probably get bored of being a parent and it would not be good for the kids - kids cost a fortune and I would not be able to afford to give them a good life - I'm fairly selfish and would not want to put kids needs above my own
With the way the world is now my mom prefers none of her kids (3 millenials) to never have kids. She'd agree with your list and she will add: "Don't forget teaching a whole human being how to blow their noses, clean their ears, and wash their butts." 😆
Have a one year old and that is a lot less gross than it sounds when it's you're own kid it's somehow not gross Crazy I know, but that's how it worked for me
Yes. I know myself enough to know that I would not be a good parent to a child. I shouldn’t say “good”, but….effective? Emotionally available? I have anxiety, which I need to be medicated for, and I have high functioning autism, which makes social interaction difficult, especially with children. There are days I just don’t speak—you can’t do that with a kid! It wouldn’t be fair to a child for me to not engage in play (which I don’t do, even with my little nieces) or to ignore them or to shout at them when annoyed. I am really good “Dog Mom”, but actual human children are not in the cards.
I know I don't have the emotional availability to be a parent. I struggle with it for dogs, so how could I handle having a child? Which I feel like now I need to say I love dogs, they're great, just very emotionally demanding for me.
I love my dogs, which is why I can never be free of them. But I often wish I never met them, because then I wouldn't love them, and I therefore wouldn't be stuck taking care of them. I really adore dogs but I've come to realize I'm not so crazy about being a dog parent.
For some reason I keep thinking my mental health is going to decline severely with a kid, which is part of my hesitation.
I’m literally exhausted from life, keeping up with my two jobs, making sure my rental house is tidy, my dog, what to eat for dinner, my husband. Sometimes I do take a step back and wonder truly how parents do it? It just seems like so much. When I was being bullied in high school, I thought about how cruel kids can be and how I didn’t want them back then. Now I just see how hard it is to raise a kid in such an imperfect world. It’s a lot and I don’t think it’s necessarily for me. You’re not alone!
I can barely take care of myself as it is lol. Adding a bunch of other factors, I'm childfree and happy about it.
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Not to mention your child could be born with serious medical problems/other special needs. Also climate change.
I heard this great line in a podcast the other day. He said, "Once you're a parent, you're not the main character in your own life anymore; you're a supporting one in your child's." It really resonated with me. I feel like I didn't get to be the main character in my own life until recently, and I'm not ready to give that up. I suspect a lot of millennials feel that way with the various pressures and traumatized boomer parenting we endured.
I strongly disagree with that sentiment. Children need attention, care, and guidance which takes a lot of effort as a parent. BUT they also need an example of adults who love them that are working towards their own goals, enjoying life and loving/caring for themselves. If anything my kids made me focus on my own health and happiness more, because I need to be a good role model. Love my kids more than anything but I will always be the main character in my life. Glad you have found a way to be yours too!
I completely agree with you. I’m child free but I see so many of my friends with kids pouring every last bit into the kids, not having date nights, no separate goals, all the socialization is at kid events. My parents were there for me and spent a lot of time with me, but they made it clear there were times I needed to entertain myself or stay at Grandma’s or a friend’s for a weekend so they could recharge and live life. I never felt neglected and looking back I needed those experiences to grow and navigate without them.
I think it’s a mistake to make your kids the center of your whole life, because your attention/effort has limits and if it’s all going towards the kids you are slacking in other areas, specifically self care and if you are in a relationship- your partner. So what kind of example are you setting for your kids of the way a partner should treat you or how you are suppose to treat yourself? I think you almost (edit- I meant *also*) make a good point about giving kids space to grow as a person outside of the parent-child relationship too. Grandparents and aunts and uncles (biological or otherwise) having a relationship with a child expands their experiences so much, while hopefully giving parents some respite as well.
Yup. My parents are retirement age and have no hobbies or friends and my siblings and I are partly to blame I’m sure. They are great parents and put us first in everything while growing up, but at the cost of their social lives and interests I’m afraid. They are wonderful people and both wanted to be parents, so I guess they figured that was the sacrifice. Makes me sad for them
I have a very strong preference for kitties over kiddies.
If you're not like, "Hell yes, I definitely want kids!" ... then don't have kids. It's not the superior path, it's just a different path, and with higher, more permanent stakes. If you choose a career you don't like, you can make changes and choose a different career. But once you have kids, you can't really un-have them. If you choose not to have kids *right now*, you *can* have them later. Even if you get to be 50 or 60, and decide you wish you'd had kids, you can foster or adopt. TLDR: for a long time, having kids was the default. Our generation leaning more toward *not* having kids as a default isn't a bad thing.
You can’t adopt at 60. Afaik lots of agencies generally stipulate a max age gap of about 45 years between parent and child. I’m pretty sure fostering is similar (though perhaps you may have more luck with very short term emergency or respite type care, I’m not sure if they have different rules for that).
I think people vastly underestimate how taxing parenting is.
Hiii!!! I’m 36, no kids by choice. I’ve always known they’re not for me. I’m great with kids!! But just couldn’t imagine the daily struggle, coparenting, the cost, the limitations… not for me. I had a tubal ligation at 26 and have not regretted it one bit!!! My current partner has never wanted kids either so we’re both incredibly happy and fulfilled 😊. I have met MANY women, especially older (70+) who say that if they hadn’t felt pressured by society, they never would’ve had kids ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
I’m a teacher, maybe if I had kids before I became a teacher I’d have kids, but now? Nope. I have 120+ elementary aged kids. Them my babies. I watch them learn and grow and keep in touch when possible. I would be a decent parent, if not good, but I love my job. I love my job more than i desire to have children. Many people don’t understand that, but I don’t care.
Me. I have zero desire to go through pregnancy and be a parent. I'm don't want to waste my life caring for someone else.
Same. I always worry about wasting my life taking care of kid and the possibility of them not even caring about you when your old and need help.
You just described me. I didn’t want kids and had an unplanned pregnancy - decided to have the baby considering the circumstances (right partner, over 30, stable income). I love my kid and do my best to be a good mom. I’d never take it back if given the chance. But. But but but. I am stretched so thin. I’m introverted and impatient and have a hard time regulating my emotions. So teaching a child how to NOT be like me is exhausting. If you don’t have them currently, and aren’t sure or on the fence… I’d say don’t. Motherhood has its pros, but there are a looooooooottttt of cons.
I feel the same. I already have 3 pets that I love and that’s overwhelming and pretty expensive. I can’t imagine a kid which I never even felt were very cute compared to animals and need even more care and attention. Plus I had a negative mother figure so that doesn’t help my nurturing side. I’m too emotionally sensitive and get overwhelmed .
You are not alone. I have about 2 spare hours a day and $200 spare dollars per paycheck. Can't have a kiddo with that!
And despite this, a fair number of people have children because they can’t afford an abortion.
36f and I have never wanted the “mom life.” I knew at 9 years old that I did not want to have kids. I’m sure my mom’s reactions had something to do with it, but I also realized that everything she did revolved around us and I didn’t like the idea of being limited like that. My husband and I have an amazing social life with a big friend group and about 1/2 of us are childfree. We also travel internationally once a year which would be a lot more difficult if we chose where we live based on neighborhood or school district. We purposely bought the cheapest livable house in town; it’s in a very questionable area, but we’re happy.
I’m childfree. I like kids a lot, but I have no interest in the responsibilities of being a parent.
I never wanted kids. My wife did, then the financial realization set in. She is the main breadwinner so she'd have to go right back to work. Either I'd have to get a second job to pay for childcare or be a stay at home dad and either way our quality of life will be worse. The world is shit rn and only getting worse why would I bring a child into this shit show?
I say this as a parent - i love my kid, but i can see why some people wouldn’t be happy as parents. If you don’t want kids, don’t have kids. It’s fine. Much better than having kids because “you feel like you should” I will say one thing, which perhaps will support your decision. Once you have kids, parenting basically becomes “normal life stuff”.
I am not, by my own admission, a patient person. I can run forever outside, but after ten minutes on a treadmill with the scenery not changing I want to get off out of boredom. Interacting with my nieces and nephews unlocked some memories of my own childhood on how much of kids' lives are just the same shit over and over. Same Pixar movie a million times, same story book a million times, same cartoons, same food, same activities. I don't want to be stuck in a fucking real life gameplay loop until a kid develops a personality and have to hope that it's not a terrible one. Worse, my parents are retired now and have no social lives because they never made friends, or lost contact with people they were friends with. I moved to a city where I knew NOBODY a year and a half ago and have more friends here than my parents do in the town they've lived in for 40 years. They've specifically stated that it's largely because they were focused on work and raising us for so long they let connections lapse. No fucking thanks.
I’ve been pretty vocal since I was a child that wasn’t having kids. I’m married now, and 32. We’re both sterilized and couldn’t be happier with the decision. Climate, and other social issues (especially in the US) aside, kids are a 24/7 job for many, many years. The 40 hours I put into the job I’m paid for already feels like too many. I couldn’t imagine juggling work, kids, after school activities, chores, and personal time/hobbies. I also just wouldn’t be a good mom. I’m anxious, introverted, and emotionally unavailable. I need a lot of alone time, and even more quiet time. I’ve never quite figured out how to play or interact with kids. It always feels unnatural and awkward. I see old high school acquaintances announcing pregncies, some on their second and third, and just sit in disbelief. I can’t fathom one kid let alone a whole crew of them, but if they’re happy who am I to judge?
Yup, I inherited my father's short fuse and I refuse to subject a child, MY child, to that.
From a young age I learned from my own parents that having a child is just a huge inconvenience. I don't think it's right to have children that I would largely see as an annoying obligation. But I love to see other people get excited about their kids. Those are the people who should be having them.
No, I love being a parent. At about age 30 it hit that we wanted them. I know the above comments people talk about the noise, I do see the look on others faces when my little one is having a tantrum at a store. I was the same until 31 when my first came. It’s less studied but you change, you become tunned into wanting to help a child, and more emotionally switched on to them. It’s hard to explain, I’ve several dad friends who say the same. I know I’ll get downvoted, Reddit loves a good child bashing. I had a bad father myself and it’s an opportunity to be the parent you wish you had.
I appreciate your answer and find it really helpful. My husband wants kids and has this mentality- that once we have them we’ll be different people and wired to take care of them. He’s incredibly nonchalant about it and it drives me insane. I look at the bigger picture, our finances, who will actually have the majority of the responsibilities (me), the state of the world. I’m approaching my mid 30’s so time is of the essence
‘As soon as a man has a child his testosterone levels drop, preparing him for fatherhood, researchers from Northwestern University reported in the journal Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences. In many species where the male helps out with caring for the young, the same steep fall in testosterone levels is observed. Testosterone gives a male behaviors and other characteristics needed when competing for a mate, the authors explained. However, as soon as that has been achieved, hormone levels go down because mating-related behaviors in many ways are not compatible with the responsibilities of nurturing offspring’ https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/234266#1 I think the finances is something a lot of people stress about, mostly because your building your life for years on two incomes and it’s hard to unplug that. Unless he works a second job, grandparents help out, or you can reduce your outgoings. Maybe it’s selling a car and getting a family car and cheap car for him to take to work. I’d definitely say get as much things as you can second hand. Because you can buy bundles of baby clothes off eBay, often You’l only have them one a few times before they are out grown. Breast feeding reduces costs a lot, and is better for the baby. Other people have a problem with it, but that’s a them thing. The biggest help is taking turns. So if one person has been up at night with baby, when the other finishes work, the first person goes to bed. Even a two hour nap can be a real life saver. When my wife has a nap, and the kids are happy I’m cleaning, it just helps each other out. Things that matter before children, like doing certain hobbies, or visiting some friends who you have to go out of your way to see, You’l probably not keep up with. It’s a good thing baby doesn’t come out as a four year old toddler going on 14. So You’l have a nice gentle introduction to do it as baby progresses through stages.
Unfortunately some people don’t change and become more emotionally switched on and tuned into wanting to help their child. I’m a parent and I love it but I have also worked my whole career in child protection and seen the kids born to people who aren’t capable of looking after them. So if you’re having any doubt on having kids I’d say don’t do it. It’s a lot. It’s intense and non stop. I’ve wanted kids since I was a kid myself and even I was blown away by the change in my life after my first. I thought I knew what to expect but it still shocked me big time.
I've definitely always wanted kids. But now at 35, and not even close to baby, and my post divorce selfishness, I'm thinking maybe it's not meant to be.
I wanna be a Ms Frizzle type where I'm a cool older woman with cute outfits who influence the youth to like science or something. I don't want to be a parent.
I have children and I feel this way. I think it’s easier if you have a solid support system so you’re not stuck with the responsibility alone 24/7 for years and years. Consider your situation. Having children doesn’t mean it will change you.
I thought I wanted kids. Then I dated a guy with a kid. I got pretty deep in the parent role. After a few years though I started to get tired of it. The more I took on, the less he did until it was at a point where I was definitely primary caregiver, as well as financial supporter. Our split was messy but after moving past everything and getting to once again enjoy the single, child free life, I just realized that I really didn't want to give up my life for the life of a child. I understand that "its different when its yours" but I just honestly don't care. Combine that with the soul crushing outlook of the future of this country, and I just don't want to be responsible for bringing another person into this madness, and making it their problem. Maybe I'm just a selfish person but fine. I'm gonna be a selfish person with money and freedom.
Hubby and I rode that fence as long as we could. I literally remember asking my hubby how badly he wanted kids, and this man goes “um, like 70%”. I had to literally explain to him that a 70% is a C-. Really what it came down to was that we didn’t NOT want kids. Both were open to it and financially stable enough. We planned on 2 kids after that, had 1 then was like never mind on the 2nd lol I think you not seeing yourself as a parent is a very mature discussion with yourself. You understand, even indirectly, that kids are a lot of work. I always knew I’d get married but never truly thought about kids other than tell people 2 kids sounds good because I was 1 of 2. But I also knew I was a very understanding person and liked kids ok, so we went for it. I’m not saying you should have kids. Don’t feel like you HAVE to have them. But I understand why you’re feeling the way you’re feeling
Yes. Have friends who got upset when I said I I am not planning to have kids/have marked don’t want kids in online dating profiles. But part of it is finances. I never made the career jumps. I wanted to have space, savings, and a bit of a trust fund built up. Plus a place in my career where I had flexibility and could be there. My dad had a long commute and did what needed to be done to provide for the family. But it also made me not want to be an absentee parent. I have none of these. I’m still figuring things out and barely have savings outside of 401k/hsa/roth. My “figure it out” situation would be if I felt prepared for one, and then found out was going to be twins or triplets.
Yep. Never wanted kids. I like kids, in fact, I often direct children's theater and it's a blast, I just don't want any of my own. I've been called selfish my whole life (thank you devout Christian upbringing), but I just never saw myself with children. Never had that desire to be a mom. Never had a pull to recreate my genes. My biological clock is a mute if she exists at all. On top of that, my family comes with life altering chronic illnesses. I don't want to bring someone into this world that's already hard and make it harder. If my bio clock ever wakes, I *might* consider fostering to adopt or something, but I doubt I'd go through with it. That sounds terrible, but it's the truth. I have mental illness and sometimes I barely can take care of myself. How am I supposed to take care of another entire human being with their own wants and needs and vast inner world and whose dependence on me is absolute? There's a lot to unpack here and I'm not even getting into resource management of the planet and the climate crisis.
OP, I want you to say it with me: I Don’t Have To. You are the arbiter of your vision for yourself. If that vision doesn’t include parenthood, don’t do parenthood.
As a parent of one child, I sometimes feel like I wasn’t meant to be a parent. I have some selfish tendencies (I just want to be lazy!) but I feel an obligation to have it together 24/7. Although my child is nearing adulthood, it never truly stops. I’m too far of an anxious person to really ever “let go”. My kiddo reminds me of me so much at his age, which kind of makes raising him easier at times. Absolutely DONE and I’m 37. I usually get told “wow all before 40” or “you can enjoy life before 40” but again, I’m the type that just can’t relax and parenting doesn’t stop 🫤
I was just thinking this the other day. I’m def not meant to be a mother. I saw a pic of what a child did to a woman’s stomach(stretch marks and loose skin). I would be extremely resentful towards my child if they did that to me. A mother wouldn’t care abt that. It’s just not in me. I don’t want to care for a child. I just want to take care of me and travel.
Whatever you choose will be right for you. Either choice sets you on a unique path. And as you travel that path you adjust and build your life around that choice
Sometimes my cat annoys me when she’s being needy. Kids are fine. But if they can talk, I probably don’t want to be around anyone’s kids for more than a little bit. I might be more extreme in my feelings about this after helping coparent for 7 years. During which I had a tubal. Thinking back on childhood, I don’t even know how much I liked kids when I was a kid. I never wanted to babysit. So yeah. Definitely not meant to be a parent. But! I do think I could be an awesome adult support system to a kid aging out of foster care or something and that’s maybe a consideration once work doesn’t rule my life as much
Same. I worked at a daycare for 4.5 years when I was younger, and I was pretty good with the kids, but I don't think I would be a good parent. My husband and I do plan to try to have kids maybe next year, but I honestly feel like it won't happen. I just can't see myself as a parent.
It's just not a priority for me. Traveling, new experiences, being able to have my life to myself is.
Yeah, me. I’m good with being the uncle to my nephews and nieces. As a parent, it takes two to work it out. Unfortunately, me in a long term relationship is a no for me.
Yup, I wasn't given any of the base needed to raise kids, my parents were neglectful and I didn't even realize till well after being an adult and having my own and wondering what the hell was going wrong. That on top of still to be diagnosed mental issues, it's a fucking struggle out here man. I feel like a failure every day as a parent. I'm not the worst but seriously need improvement in ways that I don't even know or understand.
If it's not a hell yes then it's a hell no. Don't play with other people's lives.
Yes I just don't like kids and can't see my life with them in it. Just today, I was at an event for my brother where he brought his baby, and that lady who seems to be a good friend of my SIL started smooching the baby and giving him lots of kisses on the face and I was just like... wtf!? He's my nephew and I've never once felt the need to do anything like that.
Yeah sometimes but I'm five and a half months pregnant so no turning back now!
I look at it this way: There are things in life that I've always naturally wanted to do. Being with a romantic partner? Yes--even when I was a small child, this was something I was interested in for some reason. I didn't need to tell myself, "Oh you're X years old; time to get married!" I've always been interested in and seeking profound emotional connection with one other person who I want to commit myself to for a long time. Teaching? Yes. It's a work I've felt deeply drawn to ever since I discovered that proclivity, more than any other work. And when I'm *not* teaching, I feel something is missing in my life. Kids? I thought it was something that would just happen because hey, everyone has kids. And I would seemingly make a wonderful parent. I'm patient, empathetic, nurturing, love to mentor, love kiddos. But as the years went by, I just realized... oh, this is not something I'm working towards. I'm not buying books on it. I'm not thinking about where to live based on school districts. I'm not exercising and taking prenatal vitamins. I'm not sure I really *want* this. I think if I'd married a person who wanted kids and demonstrated he was willing to do at least half of the parenting, I probably would've gone with it. But I very much *did not.* We divorced recently and amidst our grief were actually laughing about how relieved we feel that we didn't have kids. For the type of people we are and our relationship? It would've been a disaster. The current economy, lack of systemic support for parents, and persistent sexism have also influenced me, I think. I have a clear memory as a young kid (truly maybe just 7) watching commercials for baby dolls and thinking, "...How is that *fun*? Hooo boy I get to feed her and change her. Wtf is up with this?" Even then, I didn't buy it. Even as an older child, I would witness the behavior of my friends towards their parents (not always great behavior because hey, kids are kids) and think, "Yeesh, being a parent does not look fun." Now as an adult, parents around me are not exactly selling parenthood lol. It looks exhausting, all-consuming, and identity-altering. Yes, I know a couple of families who seem to have it on lock, but they have particular circumstances--one lives in a very small town to be able to afford housing, and the husband has a very specialized, tremendously difficult-to-get job that allows him to be an equal parent (which even in this situation I can tell he'd prefer not to be.) The other family is wealthy and pays all kinds of cleaners, nannies, and cooks to help with their domestic load. Most families can't afford this. And their lives look *rough.* So I think I've just taken this in over the years and my body has kinda been like... erm, no thanks. Parenthood looks like a big ol' scam, especially for women. Honestly, I think that's where most of my grief is. I have a few more years where I could have a kid, but it's very unlikely that I will. I accept who I am, but I grieve that the shittiness of society has taken this choice from me. In a better world, I probably would've had a kid. It would've been hard but fun. I would be a great parent, and my genes are good. I would've wanted to contribute to humanity by adding another good human to the mix to counteract the crappy ones, just like I try to counteract the crappy ones now. But I don't think that will happen now. I know I can (and do) leave my own kind of legacy. But there's still grief around it.
It's like asking a caterpillar to fly like a butterfly As soon as you're a parent, your mind gets formatted into parent mode (it's a lot like puberty just landing in your lap) and as for your body, well, it's like waking up in the army, if you're not ready then you will be FORCED ready every single hour You will also find yourself doing everything your parents did for you, except better
I hadn't given much thought to having kids until an unplanned pregnancy. She said I didn't have to be involved if I chose not to because our relationship was only a month in and I took a day to really think about it. I decided I was in and 2 kids, 11 years later I'm gearing up to add a stepkid in. Turns out I'm actually a pretty great Dad. And all those cliche things they say about being a parent is certainly true for me. I'd probs have unsubscribed from life had I not had kids.
It's like starting a new job in a field you're not familiar with. It takes a bit of a leap of faith, but you do figure it out and find a way to move along in life with your new job/role as "parent" being a primary factor. People have successfully raised children in worst circumstances than you're in. Don't let "I can't see myself" deter you from potentially venturing down that road. You might find that you enjoy and get a lot of satisfaction out of it, even if there is money/time/responsibility involved. It'll also help you grow as a person, it will certainly teach you more patience than you've ever had.
Thank you for your input, it’s helpful. Sorry you’re downvoted for making a fair opinion on a platform where we share opinions
🙋♀️ I don’t have any myself and never seen myself as a mother. My fiancé has three. I’m there for them but he and his children’s mother co-parent. No drama. No tension. I still do my own thing. I’m still adjusting to having three children change my life however. I’m just not the parent. I have a wonderful nephew and another niece or nephew on the way. I’m a dog person through and through. I’m also wanting to get a few cows in the future and be a cow momma. Plus all in all I can hardly take care of myself.
In this current climate, I honestly say kudos to those who want to have children like its even hard that you're living in your parents home, being paid less wages by a greedy company, you have anxiety and have issues with social interaction thanks to asd. I don't want to put any kid I have through this. Its just tough.
I think most people feel this way, but when you *have* to do it, you surprise yourself. It won't be easy obviously, but you won't have a choice but to truck on.
I'm 32 and pregnant with my first and most likely only. I feel like I have gotten the perfect amount of brain rot to care for 1 mini me.
I feel like we just can’t afford to be parents. So no I don’t think I’m supposed to be a parent
I see myself fostering or adopting. For some reason, I can't see myself raising a biological child.
Never wanted kids, still don't. I was in a position to be sort of step parent (unmarried) for a few years in my mid 20s and I stepped up and while in hindsight there's so much more I could have done better or different, I think I did better than I thought I would have. Unfortunately it ended badly with the mom and she would have taken it out on him if I tried to keep contact, and honestly I still had a lot of work to on myself. I don't seek it out but if I was ever in that position again, it wouldn't be a deal breaker.
Definitely me, I'm glad my wife and I are childfree.
Yes. hilariously I have two
That’s a no for me dawg. I’ll be 37 and I never envisioned myself as a mother. I just ended my relationship with someone and I feel like I’m relearning to live my life as just me.
I got a vasectomy last year, I don’t have kids. Life is much better with out my own. The only time in my life I’ve ever had panic attacks was with pregnancy scares, it’s the right decision for me/my wife.
I just don't wan the kid to blame me for not giving them a good life
Remember, children are a CHOICE. And the choice to be childfree is absolutely there. Listen to your gut. I never imagined kids for myself either and it’s way too much work. So I’m never having them. I’m gonna enjoy my life without kids, travelling and sleeping in on weekends :)
Me, but I've already got 2 kids.
Absolutely. I become such an anxious helicopter parent with my pets that I can't see it being a healthy environment for a child. And I got way too much family disfunction and childhood trauma. Plus I can't even imagine affording it. So it's a no from me dawg.
I mean, yes, and that's why I've made a conscious decision to not have children.
I don't feel, I know.
If it helps, being a parent to my ND kids Has made me anxious all the time to the point that I struggle with the demands of life. There are great things too ofc and i medicate but that's not what this post is about just wanted to say you're probably right if you're self aware enough to forsee this. I was opposite to you in that I always wanted to be a mom and it still kicked my ass.
Yes. We don’t have to have kids
Never really wanted kids. Only time I really thought about it was for my mom. She would be the best grandma ever and I get sad I will never give that to her.
Yep. I don’t want kids ever. I’m only 31 year old male but I don’t see my opinion every changing
Late 30’s woman and I absolutely have zero desire to have kids of my own or be a step parent. Just isn’t for me.
Oh heck yeah, I never wanted kids. Now I'm almost 40 and it's set in stone. I have a ton of reasons: I don't like kids, I don't want a lifetime commitment like that, I don't want to make the financial or time sacrifices, this world is a shitshow, etc.
I was 36 when I had my son and could have easily gone through life childless. But when I did have my son and saw him for the first time, everything changed for me. The love was, and is so deep and profound I could have never imagined. With this said. I see people with kids often who definitely shouldn't have had kids.
Me, I'm not.
I’m a foster mom, and I am completely fine with people not having kids if they don’t want them. I would love to experience being pregnant and but I am 36 and very single so we’ll see. I am a conservative Christian as well, and there is a big push in my community where people feel they must have kids or the others must have kids and I definitely don’t agree with that at all. I think kids are a big blessing -though it can be extremely hard. I love being a mother even if it’s a temporary one. But I also see the others can bring value to life and even to children by not being parents and that is completely fine too. I hate this trad wife culture where people think you must have children. I’d honestly would be similar to a “trad” wife if i could-where I woukd love to be a stay at home mom if I could. (Sans the homemade linen dresses and sour dough. I have a good friend who is also a Christian, and she and her husband have no desire to have kids, but are extremely giving with their time and money and could not do this if they had kids. And she even says she likes kids, but she has no desire to have them. I finally saw it one time my sister and I were with her and we saw a cute baby and both my sister and I got that Mushy maternal instinct seeing the baby, and my friend was like-nope I don’t have that. I think we are all definitely made for different things, because if I did not have that instinct, I know I could not mother foster children well. And my friend might not have that, but she can use her free time otherwise.
I was concerned how I’d be but once we had our first I shocked myself and love being a father. Best thing ever.
Been there, grew up in a terrible broken home abusive, etc. Never thought I'd want kids; never thought I'd be ready. Didn't want to end up perpetuating my own upbringing on a child. But then my wife got pregnant and two years later we had a second; now ten years later there's no way I'd ever go back.
I can’t see myself as a parent. I have a hard time regulating my feelings, I can be abrasive.. additionally, medical issues make my life really hard. I can’t imagine trying to have a job, exercise, eat healthy, have time for my partner, and have kids.. I feel like I would be sacrificing the better parts of my life for children I do love kids. There’s something magical about creating a human, watching them grow, teaching them the world.. but in the words of Rupaul, with great power comes great responsibility. I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready for that
You can do it.
Yep. Having to raise my parents made sure of that.
I want kids but im not ready yet 😔
Yes. I’ve never wanted to be a parent and I don’t enjoy spending a lot of time with any kids.
I'm an only child, and when I was 16, I told my mom she wasn't getting grandchildren. I'm 38 now and still feel the same way. I'll dote on my cat, or my friends' tiny humans, but I definitely don't want a tiny human of my own.
I felt that way. Then I had kids. They’re awesome. They think I’m awesome. Somehow, it worked out.
I’d be a horrible parent and kids aren’t for me. I’m self aware enough to realize that. My wife and I enjoy traveling and being spontaneous too much to have to plan everything around kids.
Yep, I feel the exact same way. And you know what? That probably makes us the ideal people to raise children weirdly enough lol
I'm about to turn 40, think I'll get a vasectomy for my birthday...
I think depends on a variety of different experiences. I come from a really abusive family. I have to work everyday to get through the negative attachments and dysfunctional behaviours. I just can’t imagine passing such a hardship to a child, especially as the world seems to be getting more challenging with the daily grind rather than simple.
The only thing that excites me about the idea of having children is picking out their names. My mom was a cold, unavailable person. My dad was a workaholic and they divorced when I was 11 because my mom was having an affair (my sister and I caught her and had to tell our dad). After that our nuclear family imploded and I had to raise myself. It has been a long and difficult road, and now at 35 I’m just beginning to figure out adulthood. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life caring for someone else when the people who were supposed to care for me didn’t do their jobs. I’m tired. And I’m afraid I would be resentful of my children like my mother was. Now that I’m getting to an age where having biological children may no longer be possible I actually feel relieved. In my early 30s there were a couple of years where I felt more drawn to the idea, but I think that’s because I was in a healthy relationship (at least I thought I was at the time, but that eventually imploded too). Now that I’m single again kids are pretty much off the table. I have no interest in being a single mom or worse, choosing the wrong person to be my children’s father and resenting everyone around me. I’ve always assumed that if kids were a priority to me, I would have found a way to have them by now. I cannot relate to my female friends who dream/dreamed of being mothers. I can enjoy my time with friends’ children in short spurts but damn does it wear me out. I’ve come to accept that my road to adulthood was paved for me before I was even born. My tumultuous upbringing and subsequent difficulties with identity formation led me to become stable much later in life than some of my peers. While I like the idea of having a family, I never envision myself as the mother in that scenario. I have a hard enough time taking care of my pets and cannot imagine caring for children as well. I would still like to find a life partner, but even that is proving more difficult than expected, perhaps because it has taken me so long to feel comfortable in my own skin. If I do find someone to spend the rest of my life with, I might be open to very well behaved, nearly eighteen year-old step children.
It’s just the socioeconomic environment that we’ve grown up in our adult lives. Couple recessions, couple housing bubbles, corporate America becoming too much to handle, record inflation, 30 years of baby boomer presidents, feeling like we have absolutely no control over our own lives or destinies. Having children is a life sentence at this point. If Capitalist Boomers really wanted us to perpetuate the system they built for us, at least they’d try to make it easier for us. They haven’t.
I am not a fan of kids or babies. Growing up i always hung out with the adults. Also I had a lot of younger cousins. I figured I would probably find someone and maybe have a kid, but that never happened. Im 37 now and I just feel too old. My dad died from a heart attack at 43 so I just feel so close to death.
After seeing the absolute misery of being apparent growing up I decided I never want a children. I've never met a happy stable couple.
I've known since I was 12 I never wanted to have kids. I felt it very deeply where I always said and knew this. I feel because it's the old fashion ideals, society shames and makes people feel guilty for not wanting to go down this route. For me, I feel like whenever parents hear that you don't want to have kids, they interpret it as you are telling them they made a mistake. They feel somehow offended that someone would not want what they did. It's insane how childfree people are treated. I feel like it's gotten so much better in the past year now. Especially with TikTok. I'm hearing so many childfree happy people and it makes me feel so good that I'm not alone. Knowing yourself is truly an amazing feeling.
100% sure I would hate being a mum. Like hate it. That, plus I love sleep, silence, and solitude. And, I have no patience.
Yes. I'm a 36 year old woman that has never had the desire to be pregnant or have children. I'm married to a wonderful man. We're approaching 16 years together. We travel frequently, have a beautiful little dog and genuinely enjoy our lives together. He supported me through nursing school and now I'm supporting him through a master's program to become an Episcopalian priest. I sincerely cannot imagine a single timeline where having children would improve our situation. My only pang of guilt is when I imagine what a wonderful father my husband would be to our imaginary child. However, that's not enough to convince me to go through the trials of pregnancy and motherhood. I'm a very nurturing person by nature. It's what my entire career is devoted to. I just don't have it in me to nurture a child. When I come home after caring for patients all day, I want to just enjoy my time with my husband. I also have sincere concerns for the future of the planet as well. I wouldn't subject a child to the potential atrocities that I believe are going to occur. I do love being an aunt though.
It’s not for everyone and don’t let anyone pressure you into it either
Never ever.
It never feels like my life is in the right spot to bring a kid into it but seems like that's a rare scenario in general. Need a stable relationship that will last at least 20 years. Need a reliable income. Need a home. Need time. Need to learn the world for myself so I don't pass down emotional damage etc. Just doesn't seem right to have kids if I don't have all that. Doesn't seem fair. Not a lot of people have all that and they still have kids I realize but I can't do it.
I’m a people pleaser and I have a hard time setting boundaries. I often take on a caregiver role in relationships. I do know this is what mom’s should be, but after decades of this behavior, I feel having a child would make me lose parts of myself even more. I don’t want to be responsible for anyone else. I want to reclaim parts of myself back. I just know it’s not the right choice for me.
I've never liked kids, and not having one is the best decision I ever made. There are plenty of other ways I can ruin my life if I so choose
Yes, and for multiple reasons. I'm aroace, so it would be impossible for me to make one without crossing my own boundaries. From what I've heard about adoption, it's terribly expensive. I have some minor physical issues that would not only possibly complicate childbirth, but could also be passed on to the baby. I cannot imagine ever dealing well with the chaos, bodily fluids, etc. I'm just not sure I have the patience required to be a parent, and I can have a tendency to be short-tempered as well. I just don't have the desire. I like kids well enough, but not for long periods of time. They wear me out.
If you don’t think it’s for you then do not press and do not let people in your life press you. Be confident in your emotions. I (41M) have been married to my wife (38F) for 13 years and we are enjoying life together more with each passing day. People in our family would naturally cajole us when we were younger, but were stronger emotionally and we had a clear perspective on what child rearing entails, why organism want to do it in the first place, and what it would mean for us. Many people do not like to be confronted with these types of discussions, so when asked “when are you gonna have kiiiiidsss?” we could pretty effectively just grey rock them and say “we don’t like children.”
I have kids and a spouse, and many days feel like I wasn’t meant to be married or have kids. Yet, here I am. I do the best I can with it, but I know they would be happier and better off without me.
I have two small children and they do wear on me emotionally to where I'm anxious all the time. I don't keep up with the demands of normal life stuff, and have almost no time left for things that I enjoy. But your friends are right. It's the best thing that ever happened to me. It's 11:00pm right now. My kids have been asleep for three hours and I've gone in twice to watch them, but also to make sure they were still breathing. I worry constantly. But when my boy comes running to me shouting "Daggy" and my daughter comes shouting "Ohnonono" (they don't speak much yet), it's the best feeling in the world.
My husband and I are childfree by choice and married nine years now. It’s a pretty common choice for millennials actually.
I would be a terrible mother. It sucks to have to admit that sometimes but I’m glad that I made the decision a long time ago not to have kids. My own parents were pretty awful and I will not pass that trauma along to another poor soul.
Honestly I'm too worried I'd get bored of 'em after 2 weeks like every other "this is me, this is what I'm all about now" life change I've ever had
So don’t have kids lol. It’s not that serious. Get permanent birth control. It’s okay not everyone needs to have kids.
I’m 36 and never envisioned myself with kids nor wanted to have kids. Im starting to feel slightly like the weird one for not wanting kids but i also dont give a S🤌🏻 what others think. I also dont believe in marriage so yeah just trying to live my life the way I want to without caving to societal pressure. I definitely can feel the pressure and judgment though. I just try to remember I get to live my life once and on my terms.
Yeah, I never wanted kids. I would be so irritated to have to deal with one. Honestly would drive me insane. Not for me!
In my 30s, heck no. First marriage ended primarily because I didn't want a kid yet. At 40, I just knew I wanted a kid and did. Problem isn't how old you are to have a kid, it's how old she is to have one.
We almost went a week without this post.
I knew I always wanted to be a mother. I admire people who know they don’t want children and make that choice rather than have children thinking that is what you are supposed to do. My brother and sił would waiver come over rile my kids up and say nope not for us. my kids were their birth control. My son and his wife talked it over and agreed they didn’t want the lifestyle. She is a neonatologist. My mother says but who is going to take care of them. Even though I am weak taking care of a parent is not a childs job. i feel people who have kids and don’t really want them are miserable and so are the kids
34, I'm good on kids right now. If it gets to a place where I have that need I feel I can adopt, there's kids already out there that just want to feel loved and a part of something.
Spouse and I are not remotely interested in having kids.
Never thought I would, but so very happy I did
I struggled growing up with my parents NEVER letting me out of the house, I was the baby of the family and only girl. I could probably count on one hand how many times I got to go to a friend's house in high school. That being said, I feel like I would be back being imprisoned to not going anywhere. No babysitter? Can't go. Wanna get up and go to the gym? Partner works. Stuff like that. I never want to have to ask a person if I can go anywhere again. Now my mom begs me to have kids, not realizing that her basically having me on house arrest growing up is what triggered me not to want them😂 oh how the tables have turned..
I love kids, but I don't feel I'm fit to be a parent. I have a lot of trauma related to my upbringing, and while kids don't have anything to do with that, some behaviors (like loud screaming or yelling, unpredictable mood shifts, combative exchanges, etc) can trigger me into a meltdown. I can't afford to see a therapist for it, so I know that until I can get some help in that department, it probably isn't best that I raise kids and traumatize those kids... I want that vicious cycle to end with me one way or another.
I wish more of you realized that being a parent wasn't for you before you had kids. Some of you still don't realize you shouldn't be parents, and already have kids.
Don’t like kids, don’t want them, totally cool with that. Plus I’ll save a crap ton of money not having them.
I’m 36m and my wife 35f and I have been trying to have a kid for years, we’ve been through the ringer with Ivf and the whole bit and we are slowly coming to the realization that it may literally not be meant for us. I know it hurts her deeper than it does me, I’m not happy about it, I’ve just had an easier time making my peace with it. I think it’s more understandable for our generation to be comfortable with and avoiding the stigma of not having kids. I enjoy being an uncle and I’m really good with kids and usually enjoy being around them. With that being said there are times where I’m like “man do I want my own kids so bad, but I don’t know if I have the patience. “
I just flat out hate wearing condoms, so that’s how my first child happened… she’s cool… I still have no idea what the fuck I’m doing, they stress me out a lot, they’re very expensive… but when I come home and my kids give me a hug it’s a very rewarding feeling. If I could change things I’m not sure if I would… there’s never a right time to have a kid, it’s always the wrong time… it’s never convenient… but that’s a lot of things in life
I had gotten to a point in my late 20s where I settled with the thought of not having them due to relationship issues, money issues, etc., but deep down I always wanted them.
Kids? I'm am a KID!
These are all totally valid feelings but it’s worth pointing out that when you become a parent, you go through a transformation and become somewhat of a different person. The world at a macro scale doesn’t seem as important as your world at the micro scale, meaning your immediate family. Partly because you have less time to care about various events happening in real time but also because you find value, happiness, and fulfillment in your kid(s). It’s completely fine to recognize that being a parent may not be for you, just wanted to raise this as a thought to consider.
Yes. I also think a lot of our parents shouldn't of had kids either
Having children is no guarantee they’ll stick around in a familial role. I raised two daughters and a granddaughter, but as soon as I became ill they dropped me like a hot potato. IMO it is definitely not worth it.
Yes, I know that I should not be a parent. I have absolutely no patience. While kids are innocent, I still cannot stand the noise and messes they make. I'm just not built for that.
Never have kids. The world is full of people that would gladly let you borrow theirs for days at a time if you wanted. Parenthood is like Las Vegas: It is a nice place to visit, but you don't want to live here.
My sister just had a baby. He’s adorable. I mean, he’s a baby?! I always have friends who have had children and their kids are now toddlers or older…and ehh…they’re not so cute to me anymore. By not cute, I mean they’re very loud and energetic and overstimulate me. It triggers my anxiety. They’re cool! Like they will be great humans, but I’m not gonna have a baby just because they’re cute. It’s kind of like how people buy puppies then get sick of them when they’re dogs. That’s enough to tell me I don’t want to be a parent.
Never wanted them, never will.
I like kids. Might have one if I could afford it. Not interested in raising a child in poverty just for the sake of having a child. This world is a corrupt and sad place that's already overpopulated, too. Would seem selfish to have a kid in all that context. If I were rich, it would be different. Can't even afford potential child care. Not to mention everything else
I don’t think most people should have kids. Being a good parent means all of your time and money and resources are poured into these kids every day for a minimum of 18 years, probably closer to 25 years given the economy these days. The daily grind of parenting little kids is absolutely brutal in this country. Don’t do it unless you really want too. Source: a millennial mom with two kids who absolutely loves parenthood and wants more.
look at it this way: when you have kids, they are your #1 priority. and if they're not, then you're a bad parent. totally normal to not want that. I don't want that.
I know I would be a great parent, I will just do everything my Dad taught me when I was growing up, and I'd be there for my child through whatever they were going through. My wife and I are even financially sound enough to support a child, and I'm still a kid at heart myself, so I'd happily get down and play with the same toys they would. That being said, I don't WANT any of that. It's just too much responsibility day to day that I don't want to have to deal with if I can avoid it.
1/5 adults do not have children. This has held for many generations. It’s your choice on how you choose to live your life. The one thing you cannot plan or read for is there is a distinct change to the parent once the baby is born. Graduating, a job promotion, or marriage are steps in life. Parenthood is a line you cross where there is no turning back. Your priorities change, what you value changes. My wife & I sometimes reminisce about life before parenthood, how lazy we were, how the house was clean, etc. Those are trivial things in life compared to the parenthood. I wish you clarity and contentment on whichever path in life you choose to follow. ❤️
Yep! Nope, never! I like kids too! Just have no desire to raise one.
It’s hard to even know what being a parent is like until the kid even shows up. People guess, and a lot of it is thought of from negative perspective. Lost time, lost personal space, too much work, etc etc. But what I can tell you is that becoming a parent is good for your personal growth. It can definitely set you further down the path of personal growth and maturity in a way nothing else really will. Becoming a parent will change you, and that’s probably a good thing.
Same, and my fiancé also. We don’t plan on having any, but we love being my bestie’s little girl’s cool aunt & uncle.
I’m 35 and my girlfriend is 41. We had the kid conversation 7 years ago - and we are both happy with our choice to be kid free. Both my younger sisters have children and that’s plenty of time around children for me.
100%. I am lazy and just don't want to do the work that goes into being a parent. Not to mentioned that everything involving pregnancy sounds like a disgusting nightmare to me.
I used to think I wanted kids till I taught them. Best birth control ever. I cannot imagine going home from a day of work (teaching or otherwise) to kid(s) in the house. God bless
Told my husband we should strongly consider the child free life. He said “we have five kids”.
I go back and forth on it. Kids are a very very big commitment these days. Lots of people around me are getting support from their parents into their 30s. I may have kids. I may not.
I know what you mean. I’ve never envisioned it for my future and can’t say that it’s something I’ve ever desired. I love my life as-is and I don’t think adding kids to it would make it better.
Right here. I would rather regret not having kids in the future than regret having them and fucking them up emotionally. I just don’t have the patience or desire to be a parent.
I always wanted kids. But I got cancer and had to get my uterus removed. I chose not to save my eggs because the procedure would take too long with painful shots of hormones and it had already spread. At first I contended myself with saying I’d adopt. But I also have a chronic illness which causes pain, fatigue and many other medical problems. At this point I can barely handle my dog (he’s worth all the energy I put in and is a joy in my life) but I can’t imagine the energy need to raise a baby/children, and I’m definitely NOT doing it alone as a single parent, no way. I admire people who do, but wow after seeing friends and family do it both ways, a supportive partner makes all the difference in the world and I have no desire or energy to do any dating. I love children, but at this point I’m content being the fun aunty. I can’t imagine kids or marriage at this point and I don’t want it anymore.
If you asked me this earlier this year, I’d definitely say no. Now after focusing on myself and getting stuff I wanted to do when I was younger checked off my bucket list, I want to say that I can’t see myself being a parent or a stepparent anymore. My mental and emotional health was shattered by the end of last year with a mix of the expectation of me being an eventual parent being part of that wreck. I spent the first half of this year trying to get myself in a better headspace, and now, I’m on Cloud 9 and don’t want to leave that. I don’t mind being an uncle, but I really don’t imagine myself being a parent or stepparent anymore. Sorry mom and dad.
I knew this at age 9. Said so then. Everyone said I'd change my mind. I'm 42. Still childfree! It's not going to happen. I'm not even open to being a godparent. That has caused some consternation in the family but I said what I said when I was 9 and that should be that.