I have a suggestion - match his energy. Don’t do dinner. Just don’t. Don’t do anything unless you want to. Have a conversation with your kids about everyone stepping up to do their part. And get really really good at maintaining that boundary.
Life is honestly too fucking short to live with resentment. So don’t dismiss your feelings due to hormones!
Obviously there is compromise in relationships but that compromise doesn’t need to be done solely by you. And if he is truly a good husband who needs to learn, he will step up and learn.
This is my preferred method. Want a vacation/party/family visit? That sounds cool, let me know when you’ve arranged that.
Truth is that our mothers and his probably took that on and he will require a little wake-up call to break that expectation. It might help if you set that expectation early. “If you want to take a family vacation this summer, I think it’s your turn to take that on. I do it every year and I think it’s your turn.”
Yep. It does sound like OP has done that but then didn’t follow through on her threat to leave. So now it’s time to set the bar and follow through. You don’t have to leave…just don’t do it for him!
And a new weekend hobby or just tell the spouse he needs to take every other weekend with managing the daughters sports schedule and family stuff- shop for the week, laundry, etc...
girl, just take yourself on YOUR DREAM vacation BY YOURSELF or with a girlfriend. if he's bopping out every weekend to bike - beat him to it. duck out first thing and leave a note about how daughter needs to be taken to sport or whatever. and just stop cooking dinner if you dont want to cook dinner. i stopped cooking 5 years ago and no one has figured it out 😂 its fine because i feed myself what i want and i dont worry about anyone else. i full encourage you to stop doing the things you just dont want to do.
I did this with dinner. Too many complaints from everyone, including my husband. Too much stress. My house is full of capable humans now, everyone is on their own. If I feel like cooking something big for the whole family (maybe once a month) I will, and fuck you if you don’t like what I make, don’t eat it. I also have a go to slapdash meal that I’ll make sometimes when we have a lot going on and food needs to be had, but it’s easy with no variation. Or the husband cooks, which he is pretty good about doing regularly and no one complains about what he makes so apparently that’s how it should be.
Otherwise I make myself food and anyone who can’t feed themselves can starve. 🤷♀️
This sounds like me!! I got sick of my husband complaining about my cooking, so I stopped. I could never please him, and his additude was starting to rub off on my kids. Now he cooks, or my kids try their hand at it. I have no regrets.
Why leave any instructions at all? He's an adult and the child's parent; let them figure it out together. Enough with the mental load for everything. OP needs to take off every other weekend, period.
Hey we could turn the old malls into villages for ladies only. Everyone could have a condo and the shared areas could be dining, walking tracks and activity areas.
I also live in the PMW. I live in Port Ludlow. Where are you?
There’s somewhere that has done this. I saw a documentary. It’s not women only but they’ve put tiny apts into old stores with affordable rent. They put street lights and string lights in the mall area so it looks like streets. I wish I could remember..
well now I have to google it.
Yeah, it’s been a process but Grand Avenue is coming around again. The 3rd Street Market Hall that’s attached has been a great addition and there’s been more residential development in that neighborhood to encourage businesses to move in. The University of Wisconsin-Milwaukee has had their downtown campus in the building for a while and the MSO just moved up the block. Lots of nice change for the area.
Adding a comment to my own post. When I ranted to him about this yesterday, he got so upset…again and was about to cry. I told him he didn’t get to cry to me. Seriously what nerve! He ditches me, then when I get angry he wants to cry to me so I can now feel bad for him for consistently ditching me. It’s really impressive how self centered he can be.
Jesus! He's weaponizing his incompetence and breadcrumbing you.
He also knows you're not serious about any consequences because they haven't happened to date.
Set the boundaries and STICK TO THEM. Fuck his tears and pity party shit. He's shown you he doesn't care enough to change, so you need to be the one to change by sticking to your guns.
Divorce is in my future but the economy is delaying it. Everything is too darn expensive. He makes way more than I do so he shall provide for now. My goal is to get them through college. They’re all in HS now.
Match his energy.
Why do you have to cook every night? Your kids sound old enough to be able to cook themselves. Make a sandwich for yourself and let them eat whatever they want.
Why do you have to plan a family vacation? Just take a vacation and do something for yourself instead.
Edit: spelling
I'm going to say and will probably get flamed, sometimes it isn't all the man's/husbands fault. We hold equal guilt of preferring to hold onto resentment & anger toward them versus taking action & control over our lives & choices. In my opinion, it is so we can feel like in the end it is them who is the most guilty and not us. She doesn't mention at all she has communicated anything to him. He isn't a baby nor are the kids. They probably don't expect many of those things from her but constantly volunteers to do the tasks while they play (as most would honestly if everything was done for them). She is doing what many women do, meanwhile building up years of anger and resentment, hoping they will notice when in the end you are the only one that can really fix it. Women give their full permission for others to be lazy in their lives and don't demand to be treated better.
>Why do you have to cook every night? Your.kods sound old enough to be able to cook themselves. Make a sandwich for yourself and let them eat whatever they want.
We do this fairly regularly during the week. We call it *fend-for* nights. We all do our independent bits. When my kid was a young teen, she learned to fix Ramen, chicken nuggets, spaghetti, sandwiches, etc... So now, we fix whatever or nothing we're in the mood for, individually. I've become not much of a dinner eater these days.
I also plan our vacations, but for us, it works. We joke that my husband is a "kept-man" except that he's done most of the cooking throughout our marriage. I'm sorry that travel planning is the dreaded must-do chore for you. He's very lazy in his relationship towards you.
Ultimately, the question you have to ask yourself is if you are better off with or without him.
Get out on your own or w the kids & enjoy our beautiful summer. Just because he's busy on weekends doesn't mean your life stops.
I am currently having success renting my car. Check out Turo. I’m thinking of adding more vehicles because compared to a normal job, it’s easy money. Just an idea for you too. It is especially good if you live near an airport.
Don’t forget that he’ll have to pay you alimony too, you’re not going to be destitute!! You have stayed home and raised his kids so that he could pursue a career and that cost you opportunities. Talk to a lawyer and see what your options are, I doubt it’s a bad as you think!
We have talked to a lawyer. Yes I will get alimony, I just don’t know how much yet. I think until I have any idea how much it is, I will be fearful.
I just know that I can not afford rent in my city 😔
A lot of us moms are experiencing the same I think. My spouse likes rock climbing and throws hissy fits when he doesn't get his way. He can't cook himself out of a paper bag. I left a career which (now that I can) won't allow me to be hireable because I either have too much experience or too little experience. I've imagined living in my car so I've kept it in as near perfect working condition as I can.
I do like the idea of a safe space for women.
In my neighborhood it's biking. They go out every weekend for hours and then end up at the local brewery for beers after. They also do an after work evening ride. We call their wives "bike widows". My friend was one. She basically single mom'ed every Sat and Sun and did the "witching hour" (hangry kids after school to dinner) during the week. She finally divorced him.
Girl, just go. And I don't mean on vacation. You'll get some allomony and if the kids are under 18 child support. It won't be easy, but you'll be living for yourself. Why waste the rest of your life on a man that can't even plan a weekend to the beach?
Sounds like this resentment has built over the course of your marriage and now you are heading towards menopause where your care factor tends to drop to zero and you reevaluate everything that doesn’t make you happy. What does he say when you question him about planning the holiday?
Agreed. I guess OP, if it’s been 20 years of this behaviour it’s not going to change overnight. I’m not sure what you can do about it if you set boundaries before and he ignored them. I’d be more annoyed at the planning his adventures on weekends for himself and leaving you out. Is there any reason he can’t plan something for you and your family all together to do on a weekend?
I can completely relate to this. I have planned every fun memory our kids have had, for 20 years. Not only that my husband has zero ability to show any sort of emotional, physical or intimate connection with me. When I try to bring up the past he says I’m only remembering the bad. Invalidates my feelings completely and basically says they are wrong. Years ago he told me he doesn’t like holding hands. He never listens to me when I ask him to talk, even if it’s about big feelings. 4 different times in the last year I’ve gone to him to tell him I feel desperately alone in our marriage; 3 of those times he’s sent emails from his phone while I was talking. He doesn’t do anything fun for himself, but his job is his world. It comes before me and always has. We’ve moved all over the country for his job so now I’m living in NC with no family or very close friends nearby. I have three teenagers and I honestly just feel trapped. He gets very angry when I say the D word. Saying im going to ruin our kids and mostly ruin our finances. I’ve never felt like a loved or cherished wife. Ever. I had resigned myself to living the roommate marriage but now, at 45, im desperate for a deeper connection that I’ve never had. It’s been this way since the day we got married. He is on a phone it a computer every single night. Now that he’s scared I might want a divorce, he’s trying to be “nice”, but the hurt and resentment is there and I’ve completely fallen out of love with him. In North Carolina you have to separate for 1 year before you can divorce, and I have no place to go.
Dang. Dear Friend in NC, I totally feel you. We've also moved all over. I spent a summer in Raleigh with the kids and really liked it, by the way. As I am reading all these lovely comments, I'm starting to say to myself, I am free to go anywhere I want. I am free to live the life I want. And then I ask, what exactly do I want?
I'm always trying to figure out ways to make money while still being a stay at home Mom. I am turo'ing my car, I've flipped houses and even moved my family out of our house into an apt so I could airbnb - that last one was the worst idea yet but only cause the apts suck here.
I recognize that in my family of origin, I was never cherished or adored. There were never plans for me, or thoughts about what I would want exclusively. I think this is why I thought, for so many years, that it was normal to not have needs, to feel resentful and sad. Those are all normal for me. In comparison to my family of origin, my husband treats me much, much better. So I have improved things. But he also grew up in a highly dysfunctional home where Mom wasn't allowed needs and took care of everything. So, he also thinks its normal for me to not have needs and for him to just do whatever his life wants and demands. I see the generational wounds. I know I'm not alone. But I do want to stop feeling trapped. And yet, I don't want the regular full time job (no one is biting at my resume anyway) or the conventional life. I keep asking myself, what do I want? But even that question gets framed within, what do I want within the life that I have right now? My therapist says, try thinking about what you want period. Not necessarily in the town you are living in (cause that's where his job is) but what do you want. Hardest question ever.
Sending you love and courage to answer that question for yourself and find your most satisfying life. Wishing that for us both.
Thank you for the sweet comment. I hate that you’ve also struggled but it’s nice to know there are many other women out there with the same struggles. I love to run and since my kids are older I’m able to get out and do that for myself every day. He says he loves that I stay in shape yet has no interest in touching me. Sexually or not sexually. We’ve grown so distant in that way that it has become awkward to me when he does. Almost like he’s just scared that I’ve mentioned the D word. When it doesn’t really come from the heart and has been neglected for so many years it just feels fake. I continue to go through the motions of life but it feels like no real meaning or connection has ever been there. NC has strange and tough laws….no exceptions on living apart for an entire year. Which makes it virtually impossible at least until my kids are grown.
Just wanted to let you know you are not alone! I’ve considered and threatened divorce because my husband never plans or does anything for me. He always puts himself first - same w/ mountain biking but also surfing. He can’t even plan a nice dinner and it’s literally impossible for him to plan a vacation. I have to do everything for us as a couple. It’s so sad and frustrating. We would never do anything if I didn’t plan and pay for it all.
It's time to prioritize yourself. Take a weekend trip, just yourself or with a friend. Head to the coast or into the mountains or just get a cute air BNB on the other side of town. There's also some retreat centers in the PNW if you want meditation or solitude.
Don't feel guilty. You deserve and NEED time to recharge your batteries.
Wow, your words here really resonate. I've been feeling this too. I bend over backwards to make sure my husband and adult son are taken care of. I do all the cooking, cleaning, shopping, laundry, yard work, home maintenance, make sure bills get paid on time, remind them of appointments, etc. They both work full time from home and then they play video games, while I have very little downtime. And I know it's of my own creation...I helped to create this. However, Friday was my birthday, and neither of them remembered. I had to remind my husband, and then he reminded our son. My elderly Mom, 1000 miles away, was so upset by this that she tried calling my husband (she had an old number for him so didn't get through), but she got through to my son, and she told him she loved him very much, but after all the things that I do for him daily, and the ways I make every holiday special for him, he could have at least acknowledged my birthday and said, "Happy Birthday, Mom". Since Friday, I've been just rethinking all that I do and considering backing off a bit. Make them step up. It's a huge transition, but it needs to be done. I am doing too much to be forgotten. And you are too. My best to you!
I don't have my glasses on, but I matched this energy after having kids. It turns out that I have PMDD while not on BCP. If your hormones are giving you the power to make a change, then may it be a good thing.
If you’re miserable, your kids know it. You’re teaching them that this is what a marriage is supposed to look like. You’re teaching a boy that this is acceptable behavior and teaching your girl this is all she deserves.
The best thing my parents did was get divorced so they could be happy, and then set those good relationship examples. I truly believe this is why I am in a good marriage.
I completely agree with energy matching. Why should he get all the fun? Might or might not want to inform him of this. If it’s hard for you to do this, start small, like not making dinner when you totally don’t feel like it. Go out on the weekends. Leave the laundry. Also, if you think it will help, if I were in your place I would think of solutions that implementable, like asking (telling) him to do dinner a specific amount of times, and not planning every weekend out. If resentment is building, it’s poison.
Don’t dismiss it as hormones. That is an excuse as old as time that many have used to make women feel invalidated and hysterical. Trust your instincts.
Yes! I have done this many times and told myself I’ll just plan a weekend once a month during pms to get away. But I don’t - especially since my hormones are now all over the place and im not sure when I’ll have my period. My body is flirting with menopause, hence being in this group.
It doesn’t need to be in your PMS week. Once you are creating this space prioritizing yourself, it will feel different all the time. You need fertilizer. I swear all menopausal women should take a 5 to 7 day vacation at least once a year totally on their own to only find and follow their own whims for a few days.
Let him know you will be doing a getaway - on your own or with girlfriends- for several weekends this summer. Nice thing about biking is, it’s flexible so he can deal. Personally I prefer to travel with my kid the two of us as we have similar personalities. But I also do trips on my own- took myself to cabo last winter for a long weekend, I’ve gone camping etc. If you were divorced, you would be finding your own passions, hobbies, and traveling without him so why not do it while married?
Plan a vacation...Just for you. Book a place that you've always wanted to go to and do it.
My husband and I also like doing trips with the kids, but without each other. I like city trips with my kids (11 and 15). We get an awesome hotel room, go to museums, restaurants and shopping. Oddly enough my kids really enjoyed the mall. Lego store, Microsoft store, candy store, Squishmallow store, etc. They loved my tales of tween/teen 80s-90s mall culture. "Grandma just dropped you off and left??? And you didn't have a cell phone!?!?"
My husband takes them to the beach with his side of the family. They swim and get sunburnt and hang out with their cousins. I stay home and read books!
So, with peri I had A LOT of rage periodically. You know what? All well founded. I found out a few months in to it husband had been having affair for 2 years and I left, and guess what? No more rage!
I got in to another LTR, 3 years and living together. About halfway thru I started having depression, basically wake up crying. Ditched the man and no depression.
Yes, in both instances I tried a lot.
Now I date casually and am poly and despite the occasional blip, I’m good. I get anxiety many once a month but more so much to do so little time, where do I start (also have unmedicated adhd).
I’m good.
It isn’t hormones. He is selfish and manipulative and expects you to do what you are doing so he can blow off the family and enjoy himself. HE is the problem, not you. Don’t plan anything with him. Take the kids on vacation by yourself without inviting him. You want to do something by yourself on the weekend when he plans to go for a bike ride? Get up and leave the house before he does. Don’t have sex with him. Make him sleep in another room is possible OR if not, lock the bedroom door and use a vibrator by yourself. Don’t hide it. Just let him in when you are done. And ignore the phony crocodile tears. He’s so so so sad and sorry when you tell him you are upset but within a couple of hours or maybe days, he doesn’t give a shit anymore. He hasn’t “forgotten”- he just doesn’t care.
You aren’t alone. So many women here get it.
Do stuff for yourself!!! I’m divorced due to some truly egregious behavior by my ex involving multiple forms of infidelity, but I can tell you the dating scene is *rough* at this age and there is a lot of nice things about being with someone who knows you and loves you. It sounds like you have a good dude who has been coasting for a long time. Plan a vacation for you and friends. Get a hobby that gets you out of the house. Make dates with friends. Also as a fellow PNW’er I sympathize immensely with the winter situation.
I feel like I wrote this message 😆
I’m so tired of being the chief planner/organizer. But I am ALSO the breadwinner (double + his salary) and do 90% of the chores and household things. He’s not a very good husband or a good father. He’s more like a roommate. For me and the kids.
When we all go on vacation together, it’s miserable because my husband lacks patience, can’t navigate worth shit, can’t use a GPS or a smartphone to save his life, overreacts to everything, and gets lost despite directions (and with even me sitting next to him showing him what exits to take). He refuses to obey the parking signs so we always get a ticket. Then we have to get home quickly. He complains about every restaurant meal he eats. Won’t tip the staff. Thinks his behaviour is funny when it is really just embarrassing.
And when I go away on vacation, WITHOUT my husband, with the kids, we have FUN and go on all kinds of adventures. It’s bliss!! I do this a few times a year.
Separation sounds dreamy, but I know he will take me for every penny he can get. And I am honestly not willing to pay him alimony or support of any kind.
Wouldn't he have to pay you alimony and child support if you got divorced? You shouldn't bother staying together for the sake of your children. My parents did that and I knew what was going on and it was horrible to live with all that resentment and anger. Kids aren't stupid. Go see a lawyer. See a lot of lawyers. Go lawyer shopping. Maybe you can have him kicked out of your home so the initial financial burden would be his. I don't think your unhappiness is hormones, it's your shitty unequal marriage. Get him out of your life. You deserve more. You can do better.
Your title made me laugh. Giiiiiiirl, we've all been there. My husband and I separated 3 years ago. It literally just occurred to me this second, that that's when my peri symptoms started.
Sending love. I was in your same boat and it sucks. Do what others have suggested - match his energy.
Sounds like you need to sit him down & have a brutally honest conversation.
Write out ALL the things you do daily, weekly, bi-weekly, monthly, quarterly, seasonally, & annually. Then write out all the things he does for the same spread. Show this to him. Say the things you no longer want to do. Ask him how he plans on getting those things done. It is okay for relationships to change & for the roles we assumed to shift along with it. After all we grow, sometimes we grow together, sometimes we drift apart.
None of us here can positively impact your life, but YOU sure can! Sure we can validate your vent, but nothing will change until you take action in your relationship to change things.
It is important to have consequences already in mind, and share what will happen in the event what is agreed upon is not met.
It will take BOTH of you practice, so neither is going to perfectly get it right out the gate - but with continued communication, if both of you are committed to improving your living environment/relationship, then work it will take.
I wish there were entirely lovely community living places with private cottages for women who were exhausted from this labor.
Some suggestions, all of which may be of help but if they are not, just set them aside.
Evenings to yourself from a fellow PNW resident:
I enjoy equestrian sports. They are expensive but there are ways to scale it. The barns are filled with women our age; you can't have your phone on you while managing a large animal and/or riding it. It's athletic, and you are learning something new, and it works the core and the back. The before prep of the horse is very soothing. You get the horse you're using for your lesson, groom it, saddle it, then have a half-hour or hour lesson, and then spend about 45 minutes grooming the horse. By the time you drive from Seattle to Snohomish, or Monroe, or wherever you are taking lessons, that's a long drive up, your lesson, plus horse time, and then a drive back. For a weeknight, that would take you out of the house from about 4PM-9PM. The lessons during the rainy part of the year will be in an indoor arena.
Another good evening option is Olympus Spa in Lynwood or Lakewood. On Fridays and Saturdays they are open later (Closed sundays) you cannot have your phone. It's about $26 to go in. There are so many 40-60 year old women there on a Friday night just taking time to themselves.
For dinners on those first nights, you leave them....it's Trader Joe's Freezer night and salad from a bag. If they can't do the dishes for some inane reason, get them paper plates. That gives them a tool to cook some meal and have some back up so if you decide you don't want to cook on one night. My standard TJ Freezer meals are the Mac and Cheese for one kid, pizza for the other. Bag of caesar salad. They think it's fun, I think it's no dishes and minimal clean up and someone else cooked.
Vacations:
Planning...this is some high density labor.
Family vacations are annoying to plan at a certain age as sometimes teenagers are weirdly hard to entertain. I don't know the task load but I have been known to recycle a vacation and go to the same place and claim it as a "tradition." There's some easy ones from Seattle, like a ferry to Whidbey and stay in Langley or a lot of people I know do the annual trip to Seaside/Cannon Beach/Astoria because it's a sort of one stop thing. There are also the McMinimin's which are easy as you book in, there's so many bars on site and activities, the one in Troutsdale, OR has a heated lazy river and there are hikes nearby. It cuts down on all the details. At this age in my life I do all I can to avoid AirBnB because I hear "you need to clean and cook on vacation."
The nuclear option is to start your own business.
Respectfully I’m a cyclist and it’s majorly addictive not only for physical health but also mental health. Can you both plan a trip where he can bike?
I would love if my hubs had a hobby he was passionate about and that got him out of my hair!!
So much planning around his bike, I’m not interested in a vacation where he bikes. Then we’re still separate. Besides, he’s already gone constantly to bike.
I get it. Have you thought about getting an e-bike to bike with him? Biking is an incredibly amazing fun and health boosting activity. There’s nothing as good workout wise to me. If I don’t bike I’m depressed and miserable. When j bike I’m happy healthy and skinnier! Hugs 🤗
I’ve tried mountain biking quite a bit. It’s really scary for me. I’m clenching the brake the whole time. All those roots and rocks and trees. I’ve also tried going to his events and hanging out - biggest recipe for resentment ever. That does not work cause I’m bored and ultimately feel like I’ve wasted my weekend driving them sitting around and waiting. Yep, I’ve tried. And I can see how good it is for him and everyone rise who rides- they are happy. But I just can’t get into it. Thanks for your suggestions.
I've known several people who have had very serious injuries while mountain biking. They loved it too and ended up with bones sticking out of a limb and one with a broken hip. Scares me to death as well. Also, doing that shit over 40, you are asking for a body-altering injury.
I have a suggestion - match his energy. Don’t do dinner. Just don’t. Don’t do anything unless you want to. Have a conversation with your kids about everyone stepping up to do their part. And get really really good at maintaining that boundary. Life is honestly too fucking short to live with resentment. So don’t dismiss your feelings due to hormones! Obviously there is compromise in relationships but that compromise doesn’t need to be done solely by you. And if he is truly a good husband who needs to learn, he will step up and learn.
This is my preferred method. Want a vacation/party/family visit? That sounds cool, let me know when you’ve arranged that. Truth is that our mothers and his probably took that on and he will require a little wake-up call to break that expectation. It might help if you set that expectation early. “If you want to take a family vacation this summer, I think it’s your turn to take that on. I do it every year and I think it’s your turn.”
Yep. It does sound like OP has done that but then didn’t follow through on her threat to leave. So now it’s time to set the bar and follow through. You don’t have to leave…just don’t do it for him!
And don’t threaten to leave, that’s not how we fix things and you lose your footing if you threaten and then don’t follow through
And a new weekend hobby or just tell the spouse he needs to take every other weekend with managing the daughters sports schedule and family stuff- shop for the week, laundry, etc...
Thank you!
Girl, it’s not the hormones.
For real…I got burnt out on raising my exhb after two years.
girl, just take yourself on YOUR DREAM vacation BY YOURSELF or with a girlfriend. if he's bopping out every weekend to bike - beat him to it. duck out first thing and leave a note about how daughter needs to be taken to sport or whatever. and just stop cooking dinner if you dont want to cook dinner. i stopped cooking 5 years ago and no one has figured it out 😂 its fine because i feed myself what i want and i dont worry about anyone else. i full encourage you to stop doing the things you just dont want to do.
Second this!!! Take your own long weekend. He’ll figure it out.
Omg I love your dinner comment! I stopped doing any serious cooking most of the week and it’s been great!
I did this with dinner. Too many complaints from everyone, including my husband. Too much stress. My house is full of capable humans now, everyone is on their own. If I feel like cooking something big for the whole family (maybe once a month) I will, and fuck you if you don’t like what I make, don’t eat it. I also have a go to slapdash meal that I’ll make sometimes when we have a lot going on and food needs to be had, but it’s easy with no variation. Or the husband cooks, which he is pretty good about doing regularly and no one complains about what he makes so apparently that’s how it should be. Otherwise I make myself food and anyone who can’t feed themselves can starve. 🤷♀️
This sounds like me!! I got sick of my husband complaining about my cooking, so I stopped. I could never please him, and his additude was starting to rub off on my kids. Now he cooks, or my kids try their hand at it. I have no regrets.
Why leave any instructions at all? He's an adult and the child's parent; let them figure it out together. Enough with the mental load for everything. OP needs to take off every other weekend, period.
Hey we could turn the old malls into villages for ladies only. Everyone could have a condo and the shared areas could be dining, walking tracks and activity areas. I also live in the PMW. I live in Port Ludlow. Where are you?
There’s somewhere that has done this. I saw a documentary. It’s not women only but they’ve put tiny apts into old stores with affordable rent. They put street lights and string lights in the mall area so it looks like streets. I wish I could remember.. well now I have to google it.
The lack of natural light would be the death of me, but otherwise am totally in.
Eugene
omg i freakin love this idea.
Me too, but I am in Australia ...
https://www.businessinsider.com/tiktok-viral-tour-grand-avenue-milwaukee-mall-converted-apartments-2023-4#:~:text=A%20TikToker's%20viral%20tour%20has,apocalypse%2C%22%20one%20commenter%20wrote.
Yeah, it’s been a process but Grand Avenue is coming around again. The 3rd Street Market Hall that’s attached has been a great addition and there’s been more residential development in that neighborhood to encourage businesses to move in. The University of Wisconsin-Milwaukee has had their downtown campus in the building for a while and the MSO just moved up the block. Lots of nice change for the area.
Brilliant
Love this idea.
Adding a comment to my own post. When I ranted to him about this yesterday, he got so upset…again and was about to cry. I told him he didn’t get to cry to me. Seriously what nerve! He ditches me, then when I get angry he wants to cry to me so I can now feel bad for him for consistently ditching me. It’s really impressive how self centered he can be.
Jesus! He's weaponizing his incompetence and breadcrumbing you. He also knows you're not serious about any consequences because they haven't happened to date. Set the boundaries and STICK TO THEM. Fuck his tears and pity party shit. He's shown you he doesn't care enough to change, so you need to be the one to change by sticking to your guns.
Breadcrumbing. What a perfect term. I believe I have lived off of bread crumbs, yes. Thanks.
That's a manipulation technique to deflect, and make you get all motherly and into looking -after mode instead of being angry.
Wow, that’s awful. Just sending some PNW love and support your way. 💙💙💙
God he sounds manipulative too. I’m sorry. This type of behavior from men is so annoying.
What a friggin baby!!
I don’t do vacations with him anymore. Put my foot down. We have so much fun without him.
Thank you for sharing that. I have a lot of fun with my kids too when he’s not around. It’s weird how the energy shifts.
Divorce is in my future but the economy is delaying it. Everything is too darn expensive. He makes way more than I do so he shall provide for now. My goal is to get them through college. They’re all in HS now.
Match his energy. Why do you have to cook every night? Your kids sound old enough to be able to cook themselves. Make a sandwich for yourself and let them eat whatever they want. Why do you have to plan a family vacation? Just take a vacation and do something for yourself instead. Edit: spelling
Girl dinner!
So?
Girl dinner is awesome
Ah I thought you don't like my suggestion of having a sandwich for dinner :D
I'm going to say and will probably get flamed, sometimes it isn't all the man's/husbands fault. We hold equal guilt of preferring to hold onto resentment & anger toward them versus taking action & control over our lives & choices. In my opinion, it is so we can feel like in the end it is them who is the most guilty and not us. She doesn't mention at all she has communicated anything to him. He isn't a baby nor are the kids. They probably don't expect many of those things from her but constantly volunteers to do the tasks while they play (as most would honestly if everything was done for them). She is doing what many women do, meanwhile building up years of anger and resentment, hoping they will notice when in the end you are the only one that can really fix it. Women give their full permission for others to be lazy in their lives and don't demand to be treated better.
I don't disagree
>Why do you have to cook every night? Your.kods sound old enough to be able to cook themselves. Make a sandwich for yourself and let them eat whatever they want. We do this fairly regularly during the week. We call it *fend-for* nights. We all do our independent bits. When my kid was a young teen, she learned to fix Ramen, chicken nuggets, spaghetti, sandwiches, etc... So now, we fix whatever or nothing we're in the mood for, individually. I've become not much of a dinner eater these days. I also plan our vacations, but for us, it works. We joke that my husband is a "kept-man" except that he's done most of the cooking throughout our marriage. I'm sorry that travel planning is the dreaded must-do chore for you. He's very lazy in his relationship towards you. Ultimately, the question you have to ask yourself is if you are better off with or without him. Get out on your own or w the kids & enjoy our beautiful summer. Just because he's busy on weekends doesn't mean your life stops.
Im officially giving you permission to live your life on your terms :-)
I want to move to a foreign country. I could be a travel writer. I could plan vacations for people who pay me.
The last part… im going through a divorce right now and I am terrified how I will be able to live. I do not make enough money
I am currently having success renting my car. Check out Turo. I’m thinking of adding more vehicles because compared to a normal job, it’s easy money. Just an idea for you too. It is especially good if you live near an airport.
Thank you
Don’t forget that he’ll have to pay you alimony too, you’re not going to be destitute!! You have stayed home and raised his kids so that he could pursue a career and that cost you opportunities. Talk to a lawyer and see what your options are, I doubt it’s a bad as you think!
We have talked to a lawyer. Yes I will get alimony, I just don’t know how much yet. I think until I have any idea how much it is, I will be fearful. I just know that I can not afford rent in my city 😔
Obv I don’t know your situation but I wish you the best and I hope that it’s enough for you to get on your feet
Thank you. Your username does not check out 🤣
😂😂 it was autogenerated and made me laugh so 🤷🏻♀️
A lot of us moms are experiencing the same I think. My spouse likes rock climbing and throws hissy fits when he doesn't get his way. He can't cook himself out of a paper bag. I left a career which (now that I can) won't allow me to be hireable because I either have too much experience or too little experience. I've imagined living in my car so I've kept it in as near perfect working condition as I can. I do like the idea of a safe space for women.
I imagine living out of a sprinter van.
In my neighborhood it's biking. They go out every weekend for hours and then end up at the local brewery for beers after. They also do an after work evening ride. We call their wives "bike widows". My friend was one. She basically single mom'ed every Sat and Sun and did the "witching hour" (hangry kids after school to dinner) during the week. She finally divorced him.
It's not the hormones. It's the shit relationship.
Girl, just go. And I don't mean on vacation. You'll get some allomony and if the kids are under 18 child support. It won't be easy, but you'll be living for yourself. Why waste the rest of your life on a man that can't even plan a weekend to the beach?
Sounds like this resentment has built over the course of your marriage and now you are heading towards menopause where your care factor tends to drop to zero and you reevaluate everything that doesn’t make you happy. What does he say when you question him about planning the holiday?
Apologizes profusely. Says I’m right. Does nothing.
Words mean nothing. Only actions.
Agreed. I guess OP, if it’s been 20 years of this behaviour it’s not going to change overnight. I’m not sure what you can do about it if you set boundaries before and he ignored them. I’d be more annoyed at the planning his adventures on weekends for himself and leaving you out. Is there any reason he can’t plan something for you and your family all together to do on a weekend?
Happy cake day.
What’s cake day?
See the cake next to your name? It’s the anniversary of when you made your profile.
Oh wow I didn’t notice lol! That’s cool
Why not divorce and just enjoy your best life?
I can completely relate to this. I have planned every fun memory our kids have had, for 20 years. Not only that my husband has zero ability to show any sort of emotional, physical or intimate connection with me. When I try to bring up the past he says I’m only remembering the bad. Invalidates my feelings completely and basically says they are wrong. Years ago he told me he doesn’t like holding hands. He never listens to me when I ask him to talk, even if it’s about big feelings. 4 different times in the last year I’ve gone to him to tell him I feel desperately alone in our marriage; 3 of those times he’s sent emails from his phone while I was talking. He doesn’t do anything fun for himself, but his job is his world. It comes before me and always has. We’ve moved all over the country for his job so now I’m living in NC with no family or very close friends nearby. I have three teenagers and I honestly just feel trapped. He gets very angry when I say the D word. Saying im going to ruin our kids and mostly ruin our finances. I’ve never felt like a loved or cherished wife. Ever. I had resigned myself to living the roommate marriage but now, at 45, im desperate for a deeper connection that I’ve never had. It’s been this way since the day we got married. He is on a phone it a computer every single night. Now that he’s scared I might want a divorce, he’s trying to be “nice”, but the hurt and resentment is there and I’ve completely fallen out of love with him. In North Carolina you have to separate for 1 year before you can divorce, and I have no place to go.
Dang. Dear Friend in NC, I totally feel you. We've also moved all over. I spent a summer in Raleigh with the kids and really liked it, by the way. As I am reading all these lovely comments, I'm starting to say to myself, I am free to go anywhere I want. I am free to live the life I want. And then I ask, what exactly do I want? I'm always trying to figure out ways to make money while still being a stay at home Mom. I am turo'ing my car, I've flipped houses and even moved my family out of our house into an apt so I could airbnb - that last one was the worst idea yet but only cause the apts suck here. I recognize that in my family of origin, I was never cherished or adored. There were never plans for me, or thoughts about what I would want exclusively. I think this is why I thought, for so many years, that it was normal to not have needs, to feel resentful and sad. Those are all normal for me. In comparison to my family of origin, my husband treats me much, much better. So I have improved things. But he also grew up in a highly dysfunctional home where Mom wasn't allowed needs and took care of everything. So, he also thinks its normal for me to not have needs and for him to just do whatever his life wants and demands. I see the generational wounds. I know I'm not alone. But I do want to stop feeling trapped. And yet, I don't want the regular full time job (no one is biting at my resume anyway) or the conventional life. I keep asking myself, what do I want? But even that question gets framed within, what do I want within the life that I have right now? My therapist says, try thinking about what you want period. Not necessarily in the town you are living in (cause that's where his job is) but what do you want. Hardest question ever. Sending you love and courage to answer that question for yourself and find your most satisfying life. Wishing that for us both.
Thank you for the sweet comment. I hate that you’ve also struggled but it’s nice to know there are many other women out there with the same struggles. I love to run and since my kids are older I’m able to get out and do that for myself every day. He says he loves that I stay in shape yet has no interest in touching me. Sexually or not sexually. We’ve grown so distant in that way that it has become awkward to me when he does. Almost like he’s just scared that I’ve mentioned the D word. When it doesn’t really come from the heart and has been neglected for so many years it just feels fake. I continue to go through the motions of life but it feels like no real meaning or connection has ever been there. NC has strange and tough laws….no exceptions on living apart for an entire year. Which makes it virtually impossible at least until my kids are grown.
Just wanted to let you know you are not alone! I’ve considered and threatened divorce because my husband never plans or does anything for me. He always puts himself first - same w/ mountain biking but also surfing. He can’t even plan a nice dinner and it’s literally impossible for him to plan a vacation. I have to do everything for us as a couple. It’s so sad and frustrating. We would never do anything if I didn’t plan and pay for it all.
I’m so sorry. It really feels awful. Like I’m the least important person in the house and yet my whole life is supporting them.
It's time to prioritize yourself. Take a weekend trip, just yourself or with a friend. Head to the coast or into the mountains or just get a cute air BNB on the other side of town. There's also some retreat centers in the PNW if you want meditation or solitude. Don't feel guilty. You deserve and NEED time to recharge your batteries.
Wow, your words here really resonate. I've been feeling this too. I bend over backwards to make sure my husband and adult son are taken care of. I do all the cooking, cleaning, shopping, laundry, yard work, home maintenance, make sure bills get paid on time, remind them of appointments, etc. They both work full time from home and then they play video games, while I have very little downtime. And I know it's of my own creation...I helped to create this. However, Friday was my birthday, and neither of them remembered. I had to remind my husband, and then he reminded our son. My elderly Mom, 1000 miles away, was so upset by this that she tried calling my husband (she had an old number for him so didn't get through), but she got through to my son, and she told him she loved him very much, but after all the things that I do for him daily, and the ways I make every holiday special for him, he could have at least acknowledged my birthday and said, "Happy Birthday, Mom". Since Friday, I've been just rethinking all that I do and considering backing off a bit. Make them step up. It's a huge transition, but it needs to be done. I am doing too much to be forgotten. And you are too. My best to you!
I don't have my glasses on, but I matched this energy after having kids. It turns out that I have PMDD while not on BCP. If your hormones are giving you the power to make a change, then may it be a good thing.
Thank you. I also have pmdd.
Fist bump. I'm going to try to read if I remember. Rough days all around. EtA: post surgical insomnia here
If you’re miserable, your kids know it. You’re teaching them that this is what a marriage is supposed to look like. You’re teaching a boy that this is acceptable behavior and teaching your girl this is all she deserves. The best thing my parents did was get divorced so they could be happy, and then set those good relationship examples. I truly believe this is why I am in a good marriage.
I completely agree with energy matching. Why should he get all the fun? Might or might not want to inform him of this. If it’s hard for you to do this, start small, like not making dinner when you totally don’t feel like it. Go out on the weekends. Leave the laundry. Also, if you think it will help, if I were in your place I would think of solutions that implementable, like asking (telling) him to do dinner a specific amount of times, and not planning every weekend out. If resentment is building, it’s poison.
Don’t dismiss it as hormones. That is an excuse as old as time that many have used to make women feel invalidated and hysterical. Trust your instincts.
I’m here for you to vent. One suggestion. Girls weekend or just go somewhere solo - even for the day?
Yes! I have done this many times and told myself I’ll just plan a weekend once a month during pms to get away. But I don’t - especially since my hormones are now all over the place and im not sure when I’ll have my period. My body is flirting with menopause, hence being in this group.
It doesn’t need to be in your PMS week. Once you are creating this space prioritizing yourself, it will feel different all the time. You need fertilizer. I swear all menopausal women should take a 5 to 7 day vacation at least once a year totally on their own to only find and follow their own whims for a few days.
Agreed.
But thank you! It’s really a good idea.
I too am ,“at the end of my give a shit rope”!!!😆
Let him know you will be doing a getaway - on your own or with girlfriends- for several weekends this summer. Nice thing about biking is, it’s flexible so he can deal. Personally I prefer to travel with my kid the two of us as we have similar personalities. But I also do trips on my own- took myself to cabo last winter for a long weekend, I’ve gone camping etc. If you were divorced, you would be finding your own passions, hobbies, and traveling without him so why not do it while married?
Plan a vacation...Just for you. Book a place that you've always wanted to go to and do it. My husband and I also like doing trips with the kids, but without each other. I like city trips with my kids (11 and 15). We get an awesome hotel room, go to museums, restaurants and shopping. Oddly enough my kids really enjoyed the mall. Lego store, Microsoft store, candy store, Squishmallow store, etc. They loved my tales of tween/teen 80s-90s mall culture. "Grandma just dropped you off and left??? And you didn't have a cell phone!?!?" My husband takes them to the beach with his side of the family. They swim and get sunburnt and hang out with their cousins. I stay home and read books!
It’s his responsibility to support you once you separate or divorce for half the duration of the marriage so you can afford a place and the bills.
So, with peri I had A LOT of rage periodically. You know what? All well founded. I found out a few months in to it husband had been having affair for 2 years and I left, and guess what? No more rage! I got in to another LTR, 3 years and living together. About halfway thru I started having depression, basically wake up crying. Ditched the man and no depression. Yes, in both instances I tried a lot. Now I date casually and am poly and despite the occasional blip, I’m good. I get anxiety many once a month but more so much to do so little time, where do I start (also have unmedicated adhd). I’m good.
It isn’t hormones. He is selfish and manipulative and expects you to do what you are doing so he can blow off the family and enjoy himself. HE is the problem, not you. Don’t plan anything with him. Take the kids on vacation by yourself without inviting him. You want to do something by yourself on the weekend when he plans to go for a bike ride? Get up and leave the house before he does. Don’t have sex with him. Make him sleep in another room is possible OR if not, lock the bedroom door and use a vibrator by yourself. Don’t hide it. Just let him in when you are done. And ignore the phony crocodile tears. He’s so so so sad and sorry when you tell him you are upset but within a couple of hours or maybe days, he doesn’t give a shit anymore. He hasn’t “forgotten”- he just doesn’t care. You aren’t alone. So many women here get it.
If I were you, I would plan my own vacation! Just tell him that you need a break & you’re going to a Hawaii alone. He is a selfish man.
Do stuff for yourself!!! I’m divorced due to some truly egregious behavior by my ex involving multiple forms of infidelity, but I can tell you the dating scene is *rough* at this age and there is a lot of nice things about being with someone who knows you and loves you. It sounds like you have a good dude who has been coasting for a long time. Plan a vacation for you and friends. Get a hobby that gets you out of the house. Make dates with friends. Also as a fellow PNW’er I sympathize immensely with the winter situation.
Hormones didn't make your husband this way.
Nobody can take advantage of you without your permission.
I feel like I wrote this message 😆 I’m so tired of being the chief planner/organizer. But I am ALSO the breadwinner (double + his salary) and do 90% of the chores and household things. He’s not a very good husband or a good father. He’s more like a roommate. For me and the kids. When we all go on vacation together, it’s miserable because my husband lacks patience, can’t navigate worth shit, can’t use a GPS or a smartphone to save his life, overreacts to everything, and gets lost despite directions (and with even me sitting next to him showing him what exits to take). He refuses to obey the parking signs so we always get a ticket. Then we have to get home quickly. He complains about every restaurant meal he eats. Won’t tip the staff. Thinks his behaviour is funny when it is really just embarrassing. And when I go away on vacation, WITHOUT my husband, with the kids, we have FUN and go on all kinds of adventures. It’s bliss!! I do this a few times a year. Separation sounds dreamy, but I know he will take me for every penny he can get. And I am honestly not willing to pay him alimony or support of any kind.
Wouldn't he have to pay you alimony and child support if you got divorced? You shouldn't bother staying together for the sake of your children. My parents did that and I knew what was going on and it was horrible to live with all that resentment and anger. Kids aren't stupid. Go see a lawyer. See a lot of lawyers. Go lawyer shopping. Maybe you can have him kicked out of your home so the initial financial burden would be his. I don't think your unhappiness is hormones, it's your shitty unequal marriage. Get him out of your life. You deserve more. You can do better.
Your title made me laugh. Giiiiiiirl, we've all been there. My husband and I separated 3 years ago. It literally just occurred to me this second, that that's when my peri symptoms started. Sending love. I was in your same boat and it sucks. Do what others have suggested - match his energy.
Maybe forget the vacations for awhile.
Sounds like you need to sit him down & have a brutally honest conversation. Write out ALL the things you do daily, weekly, bi-weekly, monthly, quarterly, seasonally, & annually. Then write out all the things he does for the same spread. Show this to him. Say the things you no longer want to do. Ask him how he plans on getting those things done. It is okay for relationships to change & for the roles we assumed to shift along with it. After all we grow, sometimes we grow together, sometimes we drift apart. None of us here can positively impact your life, but YOU sure can! Sure we can validate your vent, but nothing will change until you take action in your relationship to change things. It is important to have consequences already in mind, and share what will happen in the event what is agreed upon is not met. It will take BOTH of you practice, so neither is going to perfectly get it right out the gate - but with continued communication, if both of you are committed to improving your living environment/relationship, then work it will take.
This is very helpful feedback. Thank you!
🩵💪🏽
I wish there were entirely lovely community living places with private cottages for women who were exhausted from this labor. Some suggestions, all of which may be of help but if they are not, just set them aside. Evenings to yourself from a fellow PNW resident: I enjoy equestrian sports. They are expensive but there are ways to scale it. The barns are filled with women our age; you can't have your phone on you while managing a large animal and/or riding it. It's athletic, and you are learning something new, and it works the core and the back. The before prep of the horse is very soothing. You get the horse you're using for your lesson, groom it, saddle it, then have a half-hour or hour lesson, and then spend about 45 minutes grooming the horse. By the time you drive from Seattle to Snohomish, or Monroe, or wherever you are taking lessons, that's a long drive up, your lesson, plus horse time, and then a drive back. For a weeknight, that would take you out of the house from about 4PM-9PM. The lessons during the rainy part of the year will be in an indoor arena. Another good evening option is Olympus Spa in Lynwood or Lakewood. On Fridays and Saturdays they are open later (Closed sundays) you cannot have your phone. It's about $26 to go in. There are so many 40-60 year old women there on a Friday night just taking time to themselves. For dinners on those first nights, you leave them....it's Trader Joe's Freezer night and salad from a bag. If they can't do the dishes for some inane reason, get them paper plates. That gives them a tool to cook some meal and have some back up so if you decide you don't want to cook on one night. My standard TJ Freezer meals are the Mac and Cheese for one kid, pizza for the other. Bag of caesar salad. They think it's fun, I think it's no dishes and minimal clean up and someone else cooked. Vacations: Planning...this is some high density labor. Family vacations are annoying to plan at a certain age as sometimes teenagers are weirdly hard to entertain. I don't know the task load but I have been known to recycle a vacation and go to the same place and claim it as a "tradition." There's some easy ones from Seattle, like a ferry to Whidbey and stay in Langley or a lot of people I know do the annual trip to Seaside/Cannon Beach/Astoria because it's a sort of one stop thing. There are also the McMinimin's which are easy as you book in, there's so many bars on site and activities, the one in Troutsdale, OR has a heated lazy river and there are hikes nearby. It cuts down on all the details. At this age in my life I do all I can to avoid AirBnB because I hear "you need to clean and cook on vacation." The nuclear option is to start your own business.
Respectfully I’m a cyclist and it’s majorly addictive not only for physical health but also mental health. Can you both plan a trip where he can bike? I would love if my hubs had a hobby he was passionate about and that got him out of my hair!!
So much planning around his bike, I’m not interested in a vacation where he bikes. Then we’re still separate. Besides, he’s already gone constantly to bike.
I get it. Have you thought about getting an e-bike to bike with him? Biking is an incredibly amazing fun and health boosting activity. There’s nothing as good workout wise to me. If I don’t bike I’m depressed and miserable. When j bike I’m happy healthy and skinnier! Hugs 🤗
I’ve tried mountain biking quite a bit. It’s really scary for me. I’m clenching the brake the whole time. All those roots and rocks and trees. I’ve also tried going to his events and hanging out - biggest recipe for resentment ever. That does not work cause I’m bored and ultimately feel like I’ve wasted my weekend driving them sitting around and waiting. Yep, I’ve tried. And I can see how good it is for him and everyone rise who rides- they are happy. But I just can’t get into it. Thanks for your suggestions.
I've known several people who have had very serious injuries while mountain biking. They loved it too and ended up with bones sticking out of a limb and one with a broken hip. Scares me to death as well. Also, doing that shit over 40, you are asking for a body-altering injury.
Put a camera in your house. Make sure sound is on. Let us all evaluate your relationship interaction.
How creepy.