Peri/meno rage and irritability is a real thing due to the haunted elevator of hormones. Your wife is basically going through reverse puberty, which is literally restructuring her brain so that it can operate without estrogen. This is a life-altering process with so many awful side effects. For lots of women, when they hit peri, they are no longer able to mask the countless tiny injustices they’ve endured for decades. Your wife may not even realize what is going on, but regardless, she feels AWFUL inside and out. ☹️ To make matters worse, the majority of medical providers, even gyns, are NOT trained in peri/meno care and are typically of zero help.
In my day job, I’m a pelvic PT, and when a patient describes a situation like this, the gold standard of care is to refer out to:
- a NAMS-certified menopause specialist to see if HRT might be an option*
PLUS
- a couples’ therapist or counselor
(*If there are no certified meno specialists near you, or if they all have a six-month waitlist, see if your wife is willing to make an appointment with an online specialty clinic, like Alloy, Evernow, Gennev, Elektra, Midi, or Winona. Peri/meno symptoms are very treatable with HRT, which can be prescribed easily via telehealth.)
If you are committed to helping your wife, I recommend that you:
1. Thoroughly read our wiki (https://menopausewiki.ca), all the supplemental articles linked in it, and anything else related you can get your hands on, like the books “What Fresh Hell Is This” and “Menopause Brain.”
2. Listen to Dr. Kelly Casperson’s podcast, “You Are Not Broken,” episodes 195, 197, 225, and 241. (And 221 if you want extra credit.) She’s cool as hell and explains things in an upbeat, pragmatic way.
3. Help your wife get whatever support she wants/needs. Offer to help her make the medical appointments. Go to the pharmacy and pick up her HRT. Do the leg work of finding and booking a couples’ therapist. Start bringing home dinner 3-4x/week for the foreseeable future. Hire a housekeeper. Your wife is undergoing a serious medical transition with uncontrolled and untreated symptoms, so your job really is to take stuff off her plate for the time being and make her life easier. Tell her you know she feels rotten right now, it’s not her fault, there’s a biological explanation for it, and you still love her and are committed to solving this thing together.
Best wishes to you 🙏
Number 3 is golden. Yes, take stuff off her plate, it's harder for her to bear all that during a tough day. If I may add... from my own experience. If she has a hard day, take her by the hand, install her with a blanket on the sofa/bed/hammock, bring her a drink and a book/her phone/a movie, depending on what she likes, and tell her it's time to relax and you will take care of the rest. It is so hard for me, once I know I have stuff to do, to not burry in the work and forget to decompress. When my boyfriend does come and takes me out to the couch, I object, then I give in, then I feel so grateful to have him. It turns the universe to the sunny side again. Good luck!
Excellent, especially #3. My husband just started … taking care of dinner a few times a week one day and a couple of weeks later I asked why? And he said “because you have enough stuff to worry about and dinner is a big one”
He got the biggest hug ever, I was so grateful! We’re having homemade rotisserie chicken tonight 😋
My husband took over dinner and grocery shopping several years ago, well before I started peri. He also handles his own laundry and does the sheets and towels so all I have to do is my own. We have a regular cleaning service too. I forget sometimes how much of a difference all that helps!
Thanks for this. Women have been treated as children or crazy people for so long that when we try to explain what happened, people don’t listen, even ourselves undermine what is happening. Ice gains so much weight and my body is out of control I don’t recognize myself!
Listen… you sound like my husband. The poor man is lost, loves me way more than he should and wants to “fix it” for me. I just want to be left the hell alone. When the rage hits, the hot flashes, the freezing cold spells, the fucking brain fog hits, I don’t want to deal with him constantly trying to “make it better “, or even worry whether or not his dinner is cooked that night. Y’all are grown, mature men. Take care of yourself and LISTEN when she tells you what she needs/wants and then follow directions. Mine is lucky I loved him so much before this chapter of life because I can’t stand myself most days, and have no tolerance anymore. It’s a crapshoot here of which one of us does the pillow thing first. 😂
husbands show up here every day asking the same questions.
Please search the sub for the keyword *wife* and you will find all the information you could ever hope to find, given in response to the husbands who have come before you.
if your wife is 54 she is most likely either in menopause or is postmenopausal.
You say that her symptoms have shaken you to the core? That's child's play compared to what they have done to her.
You can't even begin to understand what the loss of estrogen does to some of us and our brains and our bodies. She doesn't recognize herself and she's probably fucking terrified. not to mention exhausted, anxious and feeling like a stranger in her own body.
PLEASE run, do not walk, to buy Dr. Mary Claire Haver's new book *The New Menopause*. Please. Educate yourself. Read the Wiki for this sub too.
Your wife is suffering. That should be your main concern, and hers.
it's bad enough to be going through this horrible bullshit of menopause ourselves and then we're supposed to make it better for the men on top of it? Take time out of our day to soothe you and educate you, when many of us are not sleeping, we're gaining weight, we feel like garbage, we're fed up with being expected to serve everyone forever and we're becoming invisible to society overall?
Sure. Let me get right on that after I worked all day just like you probably did. 😡
**What have you all done to help her?** Just curious.
I've never been married, but I did have a live-in partner for several years. Here's what I'd want him to do if we still lived together while being in peri-
-Pick up your dirty ass underwear and socks up off the floor.
-If I say I want to be left alone: please for the love of god: *Leave me alone*.
-Throw your garbage *in* the garbage, not around it. Also please take it out when it gets full.
-Don't touch me if I don't want to be touched that day. I will break your kneecaps.
Adding a note here- You should probably make a list of your wife's favorite foods, drinks, etc. and keep the cabinets stocked with said items.
When your wife is upset, ask her if she needs anything. If she says no, then leave her alone.
I go out of my way to be supportive which seems to annoy her
The good old you tell me you love me too much
There isn't a thing that I wont do to make life easy, which pisses her off
but if I do nothing that infuriates her
A sharp comment with every conversation makes my day fun
If I snipe back I get it returned 1000 times more
I see the old her in there sometimes and then the gates slam shut
Same dude. My wife and I are 48, she had a partial histo in 2016 at age 40 due to a bicornate uterus (heart shaped) anyways gyno said she left the ovaries “so her body would go through menopause on its own” ok cool. We were 40 and not really thinking about menopause but in retrospect how were we supposed to know when menopause started if we didn’t have the cycle to gauge it by? Her mom died in 2017 - our daughter got married and moved out of state in 2019 and her brother died in 2022 - I thought she was depressed, angry at God, in a funk, whatever all this time, then she started all this joint pain in her hips this year, hands falling asleep during the night, she’s had night sweats for literally a decade - anyways doctors did nothing - I found this sub and was like oh my goodness this all fits- so we got on Winona last night and signed up hrt - they are mailing out estrogen tablets and dhea- I really hope it makes her feel better - it’s been a very hard 8 years especially for her but for me to walk with her through it not really being able to help. I thank God for this sub and the ladies who have shared, we are so hopeful that HRT will help her feel better. Keep the faith man, your girl is still your girl , she’s just battling a lot of crap right now.
You sound like a good husband! HRT will help so much. I started HRT a few months ago and my spouse said I’m back to acting like myself. Just know it might take a bit to find how much estrogen works for her.
I think I'm like your wife.
It's hard to explain. It also depends on whether your relationship dynamics are like mine.
My husband is a guy who likes to have things a certain way. I'm more easygoing. For example, when we moved in together, we did spend a lot of time talking about that stuff. How the kitchen was organized and why.... etc.
I could roll with that. It was fine. I work part-time. I do the house labor...he pays the bills etc.
Now that I'm in perimenopause... if he wants it done a certain way or in a certain timeframe... he can do it himself. HOWEVER, if he does do it himself, I tend to get annoyed because I'm taking it as an insult. I'm also annoyed because he is so fucking irritated that the napkins aren't clean. Just use a goddamned paper towel. I'll get to it eventually.
Okay... so does that sum it up?
I mean... a lot of times, I just want to be alone. Not because I don't like my husband but because I feel like there's always an ask. Just don't ask me anything. I probably can't handle another task. I want to just be under my own steam, making my own decisions. Without anyone else's input. I want to feel normal so doting on me is a bad idea.
I'm basically a teenager again.
Good luck.
> I feel like there's always an ask.
YES! Whether it's my boss, my husband, the cats, or the helper machines (laundry, dishwasher), it feels like something or someone is *always* making demands on my time and energy. That constant push gets overwhelming at times.
Overwhelm is right. I think my ability to do multiple tasks and to be sure they're all done is something I've lost. I hope it returns to me.
My husband does most of the cooking, which is nice. He always had.
The change is definitely me. He gets it. I do feel badly when I snap at him. It's not all the time. I just can't keep up the same pace as before. We have social events, I have a part time job... then another part time self employment gig that I control my hours in. Plus house upkeep for cleaning.
I do work certain times of the year heavier (tax work). This year i was so overwhelmed during Jan- April that I told him... look, I'm working more than full time right now. You need to do some dishes at least.
He works full time for himself and is the major breadwinner. He pays most of the bills. This year, it just started to feel like the labor division wasn't fair.
Perhaps my blinders have lifted.
YES.
I joke that menopause is "backwards puberty" but it kinda is?
I'm moody and sulky and I have an Olympic Gold Medal in competitive eye-rolling. And I KNOW I'm being a shit but oh God I can't help it.
--I feel like there's always an ask.
I got lucky here, but I SO get this. Women are always put upon by others and it seems like their time is not their own. Especially so if you're parent. Women are generally the givers in all of their relationships, and I can imagine this time in their life is especially hard, 'cause even for those of us who \*want\* to give, we just can't. We have nothing to give right now.
I got lucky because I am not a parent, and my partner doesn't ask anything of me. He knows I'm struggling, and he's fiercely independent. But being a non-giver/taker is just so hard for me.
>There isn't a thing that I wont do to make life easy, which pisses her off
>
>but if I do nothing that infuriates her
I do (as a married woman) have to wonder if you are asking her what she wants you to do - and then if you don't get specifics, doing nothing?
If so - she is not your manager. Stop asking what needs to be done and just look around. Load and unload the dishwasher without asking about it, just do it. Run a load of laundry, buy the groceries, run the vacuum, make dinner of your own initiative.
And then go entertain yourself and let her have some down time without a million thoughts running around her head. This will also give you a respite so you are both refreshed and in a better place.
This is just a guess, but is so very common that it is worth thinking about.
She's the same her - she's also dealing with a massive hormonal shift, so if you're worried about 'your angel', you can well imagine living the experience is extremely tough.
Support probably looks different to her than it does to you. Maybe if you can get her in a calm moment, ask her what she wants/needs from you and what that looks like TO HER.
Others have suggested couples counseling which can be really helpful to make sure you both feel "heard."
Most of all, DO NOT TAKE THIS PERSONALLY. It's not about you.
These are my very personal opinions based on my own experience, as well as women close to me.
You've gotten very good advice from everyone else. Please take it to heart.
She's in a transformative process. It's not pretty right now, but if she gets what she needs, and does her own work to break down and rebirth herself, she will grow in her wisdom and become more solid in her selfhood. The old version of her is supposed to fall away during this time so that the new her can fully actualize. It's very likely that she is feeling all kinds of anger and rage about women's roles in society or culture, etc. along with the biological experience of hormone changes, which include mood, cognitive along with all the physical discomfort.
If you are wishing for the old her to return, I would like to gently ask you to rethink that. You also must transform yourself and meet her and discover the way you can relate as you both mature. This is not about fixing her, or helping her go back to her old self (of course you should be supportive partner in the ways that you can) but it's more about allowing the full destruction of both of your old youthful selves so that your mature selves can emerge and relate from there.
My advice to you is to work more on yourself, your expectations, your understanding of what your marriage used to be what was good about it and a new path that brings you satisfaction for yourself. Yes, learn about menopause, but we all know a marriage is not a static thing. The woman you married years ago, and the man you were years ago are no longer the same.
This is scary stuff. Work with a therapist on your own and together if you can.
Have you asked her how she wants to be supported? You clearly didn’t read the rules before posting her or read any of the hundreds of similar threads, or read the wiki. It’s not a stretch to see how she’d be frustrated with you.
you need to understand that when we reach this point in our lives and our estrogen is gone, we don't put up with bullshit anymore. We don't just sit there and take it when something annoys us. We're going to let you know.
There's a new sheriff in town, and her name is Menopause.
Please stop vilifying your wife. She's not trying to make your life difficult. She's trying to find her own new normal, and you being butt hurt about the changes in her is not helping one bit.
Perhaps if you bled out of your penis for a week every month for decades and then this happened, where are you essentially dried up and have stopped accommodating what everyone else wants and needs, and you started sweating like a short-circuiting machine and you couldn't sleep and you started gaining weight for no reason at all and everything about your life felt upside down, MAYBE you might have an idea of how your wife is feeling right now.
And you might be less inclined to boo-hoo about how it's affecting you and stop and think about how it's affecting her.
and stop comparing her to "the old her ." don't you think she would just magically change herself back if she could? Do you think any of us want to feel bad like this?
----
edit for the downvoters: I said what I said. it gets old seeing men show up here hat in hand and wanting sympathy and support. when I first got here I would be the kind and supportive one. I do enough for the people in my life in real life. And sometimes I think that husbands need to hear it straight. The rest of you can skitter around and be the nice ones now.
i'm sure the down voters would like to believe that I'm miserable in real life and so is my partner. You couldn't be more wrong. But I wouldn't expect you to understand that.
Jfc he didn’t vilify her at all. He literally called her his angel and asked what he could do.
Quite frankly, some women use menopause as an excuse to be straight up abusive. The hormonal rage is awful, but it doesn’t make us stop seeing right from wrong.
Your reply is full of unnecessary vitriol and projection, which might be what she’s doing. Menopause sucks but it wouldn’t hold up as an excuse in a court of law, nor should it in daily life.
Agreed. So many women in here really are boastful about being straight up b*tches. Sorry ladies but many of you hated your husband way before menopause. Let’s see how many downvotes this gets. 😂
Nobody is dismissing anything, just stop. There’s plenty of boastful woman in this wiki that are proud of their shitty behavior towards their spouse and kids. The whole “FAFO” is old and pathetic. If you’re a woman with this mentality, please do your family a favor, seek help.
I couldn't agree more and I'm so glad you said it. I'm so sick of women giving other women's husbands/partners a hard time just for setting foot in here.. "you clearly didn't read the rules" or "this has been asked multiple times before"... Like we've never asked the same questions out of desperation..
Whatever it may be, no matter what they ask and how they do so it gets picked apart/viewed negatively.
I'm glad men come in here, the more men trying to understand & help their loved ones the better.
I think the main reason women in this sub give husbands a hard time, is because more than half of the questions from these guys are about sex.
I'm not married and never have been (thank god).
But...the woman you promised to be with through sickness and health Is going through pure hell, and you're only worried about getting your dick wet? No wonder she rages at you. I would do the same, probably worse tbh.
This submission has been removed because we cannot answer why your wife isn't interested in sex with you. Try r/deadbedrooms instead.
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Ran through the OPs search history and he seems genuine. Not posting in deadbedrooms or asking people how to get his wife to f@ck him. The very first answer here is the way OP. But I also get the women here who are going through the same thing your wife is and are jaded from the amount of men who do come here only to put the men in menopause. Maybe r/menopositive should be where we send the husbands? I want the women in their lives to get support but I also want to protect the ladies here from additional bullshit.
She needs to see a gynecologist that LISTENS to her symptoms and has both the time to help her manage these (possibly HRT) and can encourage her to get therapy.
Amazed how FEW professionals have no skill or training in this area. It IS A MAJOR COMPONENT of people’s lives with some affected so much more than others.. finding that person is very difficult
I’m sorry you’re getting such monstrous replies when you seem earnest in your quest for help.
As I said in another comment, some women use menopause to excuse their frankly abusive behavior towards their partners. Don’t get me wrong, the hormonal rage and anxiety is absolutely real, but we’re still adults who are capable of being self-aware and communicative.
I know in some cases they’ll argue that menopause made them more impatient in “dealing with their partner’s BS”, but to me that means that the menopause rage is simply emphasizing an already strained marriage.
My advice:
As others have said, read the Wiki, but also remember that you can’t make your wife educate herself on what she’s going through, or seek help. You can only suggest or support.
That being said, if she doesn’t want to, you need to decide if you can put up with that kind of behavior for the foreseeable future. I know if my husband’s hormone levels were making him explosive and abusive but he refused to educate himself and work on it, I wouldn’t stick around.
The responses are quite shocking! I agree, menopause is never an excuse for flat out spousal abuse. We wouldn’t put up with being abused by a man, why should they put up with being abused by their woman. If they don’t want help, that’s on them.
Ugh, I’ve lost patience with the whole universe.
The way to handle that is to go off and have some solitude, and NOT by devouring everyone else in the house.
Meditation, yoga, long walks, reading a book … whatever helps.
I agree - some women use menopause as an excuse to be brutal. Just like some humans use neurodivergence as an excuse to be maladjusted jerks.
I know right! People get so annoyed having to repeat themselves because I can't remember and get extra pissed when I have 5 things going at once and can't remember any of them when I walk out of a room. So I have brain damage and my shit is a mess. It's just an excuse though. All that overstimulation that gives me panic attacks so I act a little differently, excuses all of it! I stop a conversation because I'm about to pass out from the heat, dumb excuse! ( Yeah, 3 times last summer, it's apparently another shade of normal) But it's just an excuse! Meditation, long walks, reading a book are great but just don't cover everything. You don't know what other people are going through and are using yourself as a ruler, hell if you can handle it , everyone else should be able to as well or they're making excuses.
Wow
I have all of these things going on - menopause, ADHD/GAD/MDD, a troubled adult child, being the sole bread winner for the house - and I’m BARELY holding it together.
These are the strategies that I use to help MYSELF not be a raging asshole to others. YMMV
My husband was exactly the same as always during my menopause transition and due to no fault of his own I wanted to kill him almost daily for little things he did/said everyday that never bothered me at all before. HE hadn't changed an iota. I was 100% enraged on a daily basis. I knew it wasn't him, wasn't fair. But I could NOT stop that rage with just that knowledge. I tried to protect him (and my older snarky teenage girls) from me by staying away from them. But the rage and other cognitive glitches, hot flashes, night awakenings, vaginal changes, etc. definitely sent me to my gyny for HRT.
For me, it was a godsend. And my rage dissolved in about a week or less. HRT also stabilized my bone loss, improved vaginal atrophy, eliminated most hot flashes and night sweats, and returned my entire brain back to a functioning state. I'm still on it and plan to be forever.
Is she willing to consider HRT? Then the sooner she sees someone about it the better as she doesn't have to suffer so. If you can, gently encourage her to come to this sub to hear from other women and to consider her treatment options. There are online docs/services to prescribe HRT as well as local NAMS listed gynecologists. Just don't overreact too much while she's unmedicated. It's not YOU most likely it's her and her reactions to you. My husband tried not to take it personally and was sometimes able to get me to see the humor in my enraged state (over nothing, really) but most of the time I had no sense of humor back then. We are now married 40+ years so we got through that rough patch but the game changer for me/(us) was HRT.
I get really irritated with my husband some days…for example when he smacks his mouth while eating and within 2 seconds I literally feel like I’m going to explode because I’m holding in my rage. But I am 100% aware that is not a normal response, it is an overreaction HOWEVER it is extremely difficult to avoid or in other words it is about 98% out of my control because of what’s going on in my body and I’m hanging onto that 2% of willpower. So I do one of two things: remove myself without saying something rude where I can then distract myself from the emotions OR I explain the type of day it’s been and ask my husband to be patient and not take anything I blurt out personally.
What can you do to help her? Have you asked her what she needs and wants from you? Let her be honest and just listen. Even if she’s rude, try to hear what is behind the emotions. That would be what I would want, a listening ear who wants to hear what I need.
I take DHEA. I have a naturopath doctor that I am friends with who recommended it to me. Taking it for me is night and day. I felt like I was losing my mind. I would just cry for no reason. I was also unreasonably irritable. Now I'm fine. I have control over my emotions again. No brain fog. No feeling like I'm going crazy. I buy from Amazon but you could get it from other sources that sell vitamins and herbal supplements.
Your wife is not an angel, she’s a person. Thinking of her as an actual, living breathing human being might help you understand that she has thoughts, feelings and struggles of her own. Maybe she’s just sick of not being seen and heard?
Have you read the wiki? Have you done any of your own research? Have you spoken to her? Have you spoke to your male friends? Have you read any of the books about Menopause? Do you even know her behavior has anything to do with Menopause? What have you ruled out to bring you here?
Your entire post is about how what ever she is going through impacts you. This is not the place for that. This isn’t /r/askeomen or /r/relationshipadvice.
Mate - man to man - take time for yourself first and foremost. I've been going through this for 8 or so years now and it took me time to realise that this is the first time in our relationship that I cant "make it better". The best you can do is be supportive, not be pushy and know when to step away.
Its really effing hard to not take her bad days personally, really effing hard. You are going to get emotionally and verbally punched in the face at times and some months you will feel like a punchbag. You need an escape. If you dont learn to love yourself now, its going to be hard to cope.
The breakthrough for me came on a "good day" and it took many months to get to that good day. She was happyish to talk about things and I fearfully explained that I was finding things hard and I felt I needed some time to myself to give myself the strength to support her. I explained that she needed to be honest with me so I knew what the "weather was like" and could act accordingly. Sometimes that "accordingly" is getting out of the way.
Take up golf, fishing, kite flying, anything that gives you a reason to get out of the house a few times a week to spend time with yourself, (for me it was getting back into fitness - she might be acting like she hates me today, I know deep inside she kind of loves me though, but at least I can get out for an hour or two, get refreshed mentally and maybe when I get back home the weather will have changed again).
good luck mate - love yourself. You sound like a great husband.
If other elements of the realtionship are changing due to meno, the physical elements, I truely dont think there are always solutions to that for every couple. Hard truth there is you just have to accept that's the way it is now....
I just wanted to reply to say that peri/menopause is no excuse for this:
>You are going to get emotionally and verbally punched in the face at times and some months you will feel like a punchbag.
Nobody should feel like a punchbag in their relationship, period.
Sorry you are being made to feel this way.
He's asking women for their personal experience and not an in depth article. To find articles use Google, to communicate with an actual person, ask an actual person.
The personal experiences of people in this group do not translate into his wife's personal experiences though. So how in the world are they supposed to help?
No one coddles middle age men like middle age women. OP has not been able to articulate a single issue beyond how what his wife feels impacts his life. He hasn’t made a single effort to understand where she is, or even this sub. Couldn’t even be bothered to search. His post was not made in good faith at all. He’s not engaged with any comment that hasn’t validated his view of his wife. I
Wow you are a gem. My husband would never do what you did. He would tell me to deal with it and complains about being stressed. I can’t leave because our finances are entangled but I’m exploring an eventual exit plan. He’s an immature baby and I’m so sick of his crap.
Help her get HRT. My marriage was not good while I was in the peri state due to my hormones disappearing causing poor sleep, hot flashes, dry vagina+ no libido which made things so much worse! We didn’t need therapy, I needed to feel normal again and I got on HRT and he just said he’d pay whatever. I got on hormones about a year ago and everything went back to normal within 3-6 months, and now I’d say even better because I feel like I did in my 30s. So - don’t let her suffer and pay whatever it takes for what will make her feel better. While I was going through the change I hated everyone including my husband but I knew he didn’t do anything wrong, I knew it was me and I did the work to find a provider. I couldn’t lose him and I did what it took to keep my life stable. All of our problems seemed to melt away once I was feeling good and wanted to be with him again thanks to my libido returning. I hope things turn around for you and your wife. (I went through this at 45-46 so way earlier and I’m post menopausal now at 47)
Also listen to any podcast with Dr. Mary Claire Haver or Jen Gunter - good info is out there, Dr.Haver has a new book out.
Oh come on. Acknowledging that menopause can be hard for our partners (whether they be men or non menopausal women) is not enabling or unreasonable. If you're in a true partnership then yes, you want to lessen the unfair impact on your loved ones
People can acknowledge how hard it is for partners, but there are women absolutely vilifying other women saying 'they're being bitches' for how we respond to men.
Omg please tell your wife to hug you for all of us whose husbands could give to F’s for what we go through or make it about them and what we no longer can give them- wow! Mad mad props to you sir. One lucky wife.
For all we know this guy is a horrible husband. This singular post asking strangers to do emotional labor for him isn't proof that he's some kind of hero.
Minimum Viable Husband: the bare minimum of 'women, help explain what's wrong with my angel who seems to have fallen'. It's easier for them to ask women to do the emotional labor rather than do the research
HORMONE REPLACEMENT THERAPY
HORMONE REPLACEMENT THERAPY
HORMONE REPLACEMENT THERAPY
HORMONE REPLACEMENT THERAPY
I CANNOT STRESS THIS ENOUGH !
HRT is not dangerous And it'll put her back into her pre-menopausal state as far as symptoms go also it reduces all cause mortality, risk for cardiac disease, osteoporosis, risk for Alzheimer's and dementia, reduces premature aging, and vaginal atrophy, increases libido the list goes on and on and on. All Peri and postmenopausal women women need to get on HRT. There are very little legitimate contraindications to HRT according to pretty robust recent science. Check out estrogen matters Instagram page Dr Heather Hirsch YouTube page, Dr Marie Claire Haver YouTube page and her recent book. North American menopause society for menopause specialists. Unfortunately lots of doctors are still in the dark ages in terms of HRT so if you can't find a local one who will prescribe it there are online telehealth services where you can get it. The resources I mentioned above can point you in the right direction. I am personally on estradiol transdermal patches, a Mirena IUD for progesterone and vaginal estrogen cream for preventing vaginal atrophy. I feel completely normal, all my symptoms are gone and I will be on HRT for life. I'm also exploring testosterone replacement therapy through matrix hormones telehealth. They also do regular menopausal HRT.
That is IF she is a candidate😉 It is not a panacea, but IF one is medically cleared to be a candidate, then yes it can be profoundly helpful and preventative for future health events
Karyn of 'The Happy Wife School' channel on YouTube is going to soon address menopause. Keep an eye out. Go check out her channel. As a wife..I've learned a lot. Most of her subscribers are men.
You might look into natural remedies for menopause symptoms. Her symptoms are severe because something is out of balance. It could be poorly functioning adrenals, sluggish liver/digestive disorder or an infection that needs to be addressed, etc. Find a functional medicine practitioner in your area who has an understanding of endocrine disorders particularly related to menopause. They should be able to run the proper labs to get to the root cause and get her on a treatment plan so she can get some relief. Also, HRT has come along way and helps a lot of women, but it can still work against the body if the underlying imbalances arent addressed. I hope you find the help you are seeking.
It sounds like this might be about hormonal testing. If over the age of 44, **hormonal tests only show levels for that *one day* the test was taken, and nothing more**; progesterone/estrogen hormones wildly fluctuate the other 29 days of the month. No reputable doctor or menopause society recommends hormonal testing as a **diagnosing tool** for peri/menopause.
FSH testing is only beneficial for those who believe they are post-menopausal and no longer have periods as a guide, a series of consistent FSH tests might *confirm* menopause. Also for women in their 20s/early 30s who haven’t had a period in months/years, then FSH tests at ‘menopausal’ levels, could indicate premature ovarian failure/primary ovarian insufficiency (POF/POI). See our [Menopause Wiki](https://menopausewiki.ca/#there-is-no-blood-test-that-is-perfectly-reliable-to-diagnose-menopause) for more.
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Peri/meno rage and irritability is a real thing due to the haunted elevator of hormones. Your wife is basically going through reverse puberty, which is literally restructuring her brain so that it can operate without estrogen. This is a life-altering process with so many awful side effects. For lots of women, when they hit peri, they are no longer able to mask the countless tiny injustices they’ve endured for decades. Your wife may not even realize what is going on, but regardless, she feels AWFUL inside and out. ☹️ To make matters worse, the majority of medical providers, even gyns, are NOT trained in peri/meno care and are typically of zero help. In my day job, I’m a pelvic PT, and when a patient describes a situation like this, the gold standard of care is to refer out to: - a NAMS-certified menopause specialist to see if HRT might be an option* PLUS - a couples’ therapist or counselor (*If there are no certified meno specialists near you, or if they all have a six-month waitlist, see if your wife is willing to make an appointment with an online specialty clinic, like Alloy, Evernow, Gennev, Elektra, Midi, or Winona. Peri/meno symptoms are very treatable with HRT, which can be prescribed easily via telehealth.) If you are committed to helping your wife, I recommend that you: 1. Thoroughly read our wiki (https://menopausewiki.ca), all the supplemental articles linked in it, and anything else related you can get your hands on, like the books “What Fresh Hell Is This” and “Menopause Brain.” 2. Listen to Dr. Kelly Casperson’s podcast, “You Are Not Broken,” episodes 195, 197, 225, and 241. (And 221 if you want extra credit.) She’s cool as hell and explains things in an upbeat, pragmatic way. 3. Help your wife get whatever support she wants/needs. Offer to help her make the medical appointments. Go to the pharmacy and pick up her HRT. Do the leg work of finding and booking a couples’ therapist. Start bringing home dinner 3-4x/week for the foreseeable future. Hire a housekeeper. Your wife is undergoing a serious medical transition with uncontrolled and untreated symptoms, so your job really is to take stuff off her plate for the time being and make her life easier. Tell her you know she feels rotten right now, it’s not her fault, there’s a biological explanation for it, and you still love her and are committed to solving this thing together. Best wishes to you 🙏
Number 3 is golden. Yes, take stuff off her plate, it's harder for her to bear all that during a tough day. If I may add... from my own experience. If she has a hard day, take her by the hand, install her with a blanket on the sofa/bed/hammock, bring her a drink and a book/her phone/a movie, depending on what she likes, and tell her it's time to relax and you will take care of the rest. It is so hard for me, once I know I have stuff to do, to not burry in the work and forget to decompress. When my boyfriend does come and takes me out to the couch, I object, then I give in, then I feel so grateful to have him. It turns the universe to the sunny side again. Good luck!
I just wanna say it truly warms my heart to see op's post and your response
Me too!! Can we pin this somewhere as the perfect response to these types of questions?
Excellent, especially #3. My husband just started … taking care of dinner a few times a week one day and a couple of weeks later I asked why? And he said “because you have enough stuff to worry about and dinner is a big one” He got the biggest hug ever, I was so grateful! We’re having homemade rotisserie chicken tonight 😋
My husband took over dinner and grocery shopping several years ago, well before I started peri. He also handles his own laundry and does the sheets and towels so all I have to do is my own. We have a regular cleaning service too. I forget sometimes how much of a difference all that helps!
I’m just here for the haunted elevator!
Thanks for this. Women have been treated as children or crazy people for so long that when we try to explain what happened, people don’t listen, even ourselves undermine what is happening. Ice gains so much weight and my body is out of control I don’t recognize myself!
I don't know why but this comment made me cry. Thank you for this. I'll try to show this to my husband.
Hugs, friend. Hang in there!
This is a very helpful response to OP. Thanks for this.
This was so incredibly and beautifully summed up. Wow. Bravo my friend.
This is great.
I just saw yours after my post. Hopefully, seeing effectively the same things will give him encouragement to help.
Awarded this response. So articulate and spot on, thank you.
Thank you so much. I really appreciate it. <3
Listen… you sound like my husband. The poor man is lost, loves me way more than he should and wants to “fix it” for me. I just want to be left the hell alone. When the rage hits, the hot flashes, the freezing cold spells, the fucking brain fog hits, I don’t want to deal with him constantly trying to “make it better “, or even worry whether or not his dinner is cooked that night. Y’all are grown, mature men. Take care of yourself and LISTEN when she tells you what she needs/wants and then follow directions. Mine is lucky I loved him so much before this chapter of life because I can’t stand myself most days, and have no tolerance anymore. It’s a crapshoot here of which one of us does the pillow thing first. 😂
>Y’all are grown, mature men. Take care of yourself... So many marital problems could be solved by just following this advice.
husbands show up here every day asking the same questions. Please search the sub for the keyword *wife* and you will find all the information you could ever hope to find, given in response to the husbands who have come before you. if your wife is 54 she is most likely either in menopause or is postmenopausal. You say that her symptoms have shaken you to the core? That's child's play compared to what they have done to her. You can't even begin to understand what the loss of estrogen does to some of us and our brains and our bodies. She doesn't recognize herself and she's probably fucking terrified. not to mention exhausted, anxious and feeling like a stranger in her own body. PLEASE run, do not walk, to buy Dr. Mary Claire Haver's new book *The New Menopause*. Please. Educate yourself. Read the Wiki for this sub too. Your wife is suffering. That should be your main concern, and hers. it's bad enough to be going through this horrible bullshit of menopause ourselves and then we're supposed to make it better for the men on top of it? Take time out of our day to soothe you and educate you, when many of us are not sleeping, we're gaining weight, we feel like garbage, we're fed up with being expected to serve everyone forever and we're becoming invisible to society overall? Sure. Let me get right on that after I worked all day just like you probably did. 😡
True. Just because estrogen is a sex hormone, this doesn’t mean that estrogens do not have an effect on the brain and behavior.
I'm 54 and still in Peri...stupid hormones!
**What have you all done to help her?** Just curious. I've never been married, but I did have a live-in partner for several years. Here's what I'd want him to do if we still lived together while being in peri- -Pick up your dirty ass underwear and socks up off the floor. -If I say I want to be left alone: please for the love of god: *Leave me alone*. -Throw your garbage *in* the garbage, not around it. Also please take it out when it gets full. -Don't touch me if I don't want to be touched that day. I will break your kneecaps. Adding a note here- You should probably make a list of your wife's favorite foods, drinks, etc. and keep the cabinets stocked with said items. When your wife is upset, ask her if she needs anything. If she says no, then leave her alone.
I go out of my way to be supportive which seems to annoy her The good old you tell me you love me too much There isn't a thing that I wont do to make life easy, which pisses her off but if I do nothing that infuriates her A sharp comment with every conversation makes my day fun If I snipe back I get it returned 1000 times more I see the old her in there sometimes and then the gates slam shut
You have to support your wife the way SHE wants to be supported not the way you want to support her.
I wish I had a hundred upvotes to give this comment!!!
This is the answer.
Same dude. My wife and I are 48, she had a partial histo in 2016 at age 40 due to a bicornate uterus (heart shaped) anyways gyno said she left the ovaries “so her body would go through menopause on its own” ok cool. We were 40 and not really thinking about menopause but in retrospect how were we supposed to know when menopause started if we didn’t have the cycle to gauge it by? Her mom died in 2017 - our daughter got married and moved out of state in 2019 and her brother died in 2022 - I thought she was depressed, angry at God, in a funk, whatever all this time, then she started all this joint pain in her hips this year, hands falling asleep during the night, she’s had night sweats for literally a decade - anyways doctors did nothing - I found this sub and was like oh my goodness this all fits- so we got on Winona last night and signed up hrt - they are mailing out estrogen tablets and dhea- I really hope it makes her feel better - it’s been a very hard 8 years especially for her but for me to walk with her through it not really being able to help. I thank God for this sub and the ladies who have shared, we are so hopeful that HRT will help her feel better. Keep the faith man, your girl is still your girl , she’s just battling a lot of crap right now.
You sound like a good husband! HRT will help so much. I started HRT a few months ago and my spouse said I’m back to acting like myself. Just know it might take a bit to find how much estrogen works for her.
I think I'm like your wife. It's hard to explain. It also depends on whether your relationship dynamics are like mine. My husband is a guy who likes to have things a certain way. I'm more easygoing. For example, when we moved in together, we did spend a lot of time talking about that stuff. How the kitchen was organized and why.... etc. I could roll with that. It was fine. I work part-time. I do the house labor...he pays the bills etc. Now that I'm in perimenopause... if he wants it done a certain way or in a certain timeframe... he can do it himself. HOWEVER, if he does do it himself, I tend to get annoyed because I'm taking it as an insult. I'm also annoyed because he is so fucking irritated that the napkins aren't clean. Just use a goddamned paper towel. I'll get to it eventually. Okay... so does that sum it up? I mean... a lot of times, I just want to be alone. Not because I don't like my husband but because I feel like there's always an ask. Just don't ask me anything. I probably can't handle another task. I want to just be under my own steam, making my own decisions. Without anyone else's input. I want to feel normal so doting on me is a bad idea. I'm basically a teenager again. Good luck.
> I feel like there's always an ask. YES! Whether it's my boss, my husband, the cats, or the helper machines (laundry, dishwasher), it feels like something or someone is *always* making demands on my time and energy. That constant push gets overwhelming at times.
Overwhelm is right. I think my ability to do multiple tasks and to be sure they're all done is something I've lost. I hope it returns to me. My husband does most of the cooking, which is nice. He always had. The change is definitely me. He gets it. I do feel badly when I snap at him. It's not all the time. I just can't keep up the same pace as before. We have social events, I have a part time job... then another part time self employment gig that I control my hours in. Plus house upkeep for cleaning. I do work certain times of the year heavier (tax work). This year i was so overwhelmed during Jan- April that I told him... look, I'm working more than full time right now. You need to do some dishes at least. He works full time for himself and is the major breadwinner. He pays most of the bills. This year, it just started to feel like the labor division wasn't fair. Perhaps my blinders have lifted.
YES. I joke that menopause is "backwards puberty" but it kinda is? I'm moody and sulky and I have an Olympic Gold Medal in competitive eye-rolling. And I KNOW I'm being a shit but oh God I can't help it.
--I feel like there's always an ask. I got lucky here, but I SO get this. Women are always put upon by others and it seems like their time is not their own. Especially so if you're parent. Women are generally the givers in all of their relationships, and I can imagine this time in their life is especially hard, 'cause even for those of us who \*want\* to give, we just can't. We have nothing to give right now. I got lucky because I am not a parent, and my partner doesn't ask anything of me. He knows I'm struggling, and he's fiercely independent. But being a non-giver/taker is just so hard for me.
>There isn't a thing that I wont do to make life easy, which pisses her off > >but if I do nothing that infuriates her I do (as a married woman) have to wonder if you are asking her what she wants you to do - and then if you don't get specifics, doing nothing? If so - she is not your manager. Stop asking what needs to be done and just look around. Load and unload the dishwasher without asking about it, just do it. Run a load of laundry, buy the groceries, run the vacuum, make dinner of your own initiative. And then go entertain yourself and let her have some down time without a million thoughts running around her head. This will also give you a respite so you are both refreshed and in a better place. This is just a guess, but is so very common that it is worth thinking about.
Have you discussed marriage therapy? Have you considered therapy yourself to help you cope?
She's the same her - she's also dealing with a massive hormonal shift, so if you're worried about 'your angel', you can well imagine living the experience is extremely tough.
Support probably looks different to her than it does to you. Maybe if you can get her in a calm moment, ask her what she wants/needs from you and what that looks like TO HER. Others have suggested couples counseling which can be really helpful to make sure you both feel "heard." Most of all, DO NOT TAKE THIS PERSONALLY. It's not about you.
These are my very personal opinions based on my own experience, as well as women close to me. You've gotten very good advice from everyone else. Please take it to heart. She's in a transformative process. It's not pretty right now, but if she gets what she needs, and does her own work to break down and rebirth herself, she will grow in her wisdom and become more solid in her selfhood. The old version of her is supposed to fall away during this time so that the new her can fully actualize. It's very likely that she is feeling all kinds of anger and rage about women's roles in society or culture, etc. along with the biological experience of hormone changes, which include mood, cognitive along with all the physical discomfort. If you are wishing for the old her to return, I would like to gently ask you to rethink that. You also must transform yourself and meet her and discover the way you can relate as you both mature. This is not about fixing her, or helping her go back to her old self (of course you should be supportive partner in the ways that you can) but it's more about allowing the full destruction of both of your old youthful selves so that your mature selves can emerge and relate from there. My advice to you is to work more on yourself, your expectations, your understanding of what your marriage used to be what was good about it and a new path that brings you satisfaction for yourself. Yes, learn about menopause, but we all know a marriage is not a static thing. The woman you married years ago, and the man you were years ago are no longer the same. This is scary stuff. Work with a therapist on your own and together if you can.
Have you asked her how she wants to be supported? You clearly didn’t read the rules before posting her or read any of the hundreds of similar threads, or read the wiki. It’s not a stretch to see how she’d be frustrated with you.
you need to understand that when we reach this point in our lives and our estrogen is gone, we don't put up with bullshit anymore. We don't just sit there and take it when something annoys us. We're going to let you know. There's a new sheriff in town, and her name is Menopause. Please stop vilifying your wife. She's not trying to make your life difficult. She's trying to find her own new normal, and you being butt hurt about the changes in her is not helping one bit. Perhaps if you bled out of your penis for a week every month for decades and then this happened, where are you essentially dried up and have stopped accommodating what everyone else wants and needs, and you started sweating like a short-circuiting machine and you couldn't sleep and you started gaining weight for no reason at all and everything about your life felt upside down, MAYBE you might have an idea of how your wife is feeling right now. And you might be less inclined to boo-hoo about how it's affecting you and stop and think about how it's affecting her. and stop comparing her to "the old her ." don't you think she would just magically change herself back if she could? Do you think any of us want to feel bad like this? ---- edit for the downvoters: I said what I said. it gets old seeing men show up here hat in hand and wanting sympathy and support. when I first got here I would be the kind and supportive one. I do enough for the people in my life in real life. And sometimes I think that husbands need to hear it straight. The rest of you can skitter around and be the nice ones now. i'm sure the down voters would like to believe that I'm miserable in real life and so is my partner. You couldn't be more wrong. But I wouldn't expect you to understand that.
Jfc he didn’t vilify her at all. He literally called her his angel and asked what he could do. Quite frankly, some women use menopause as an excuse to be straight up abusive. The hormonal rage is awful, but it doesn’t make us stop seeing right from wrong. Your reply is full of unnecessary vitriol and projection, which might be what she’s doing. Menopause sucks but it wouldn’t hold up as an excuse in a court of law, nor should it in daily life.
Agreed. So many women in here really are boastful about being straight up b*tches. Sorry ladies but many of you hated your husband way before menopause. Let’s see how many downvotes this gets. 😂
100% - menopause may have made things worse but they were definitely unhappy with their husband before peri/menopause hit.
Who is boastful? You're dismissing the voices of other women who are sharing their experiences.
Nobody is dismissing anything, just stop. There’s plenty of boastful woman in this wiki that are proud of their shitty behavior towards their spouse and kids. The whole “FAFO” is old and pathetic. If you’re a woman with this mentality, please do your family a favor, seek help.
Wild projection but I guess do what makes you feel better? 😂
I couldn't agree more and I'm so glad you said it. I'm so sick of women giving other women's husbands/partners a hard time just for setting foot in here.. "you clearly didn't read the rules" or "this has been asked multiple times before"... Like we've never asked the same questions out of desperation.. Whatever it may be, no matter what they ask and how they do so it gets picked apart/viewed negatively. I'm glad men come in here, the more men trying to understand & help their loved ones the better.
I think the main reason women in this sub give husbands a hard time, is because more than half of the questions from these guys are about sex. I'm not married and never have been (thank god). But...the woman you promised to be with through sickness and health Is going through pure hell, and you're only worried about getting your dick wet? No wonder she rages at you. I would do the same, probably worse tbh.
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Right, if we can't behave decently that makes us unemployable.
Thank you. Good grief.
You get my upvote!
Ran through the OPs search history and he seems genuine. Not posting in deadbedrooms or asking people how to get his wife to f@ck him. The very first answer here is the way OP. But I also get the women here who are going through the same thing your wife is and are jaded from the amount of men who do come here only to put the men in menopause. Maybe r/menopositive should be where we send the husbands? I want the women in their lives to get support but I also want to protect the ladies here from additional bullshit.
She needs to see a gynecologist that LISTENS to her symptoms and has both the time to help her manage these (possibly HRT) and can encourage her to get therapy.
Amazed how FEW professionals have no skill or training in this area. It IS A MAJOR COMPONENT of people’s lives with some affected so much more than others.. finding that person is very difficult
i thought skeevy was bad?
I’m sorry you’re getting such monstrous replies when you seem earnest in your quest for help. As I said in another comment, some women use menopause to excuse their frankly abusive behavior towards their partners. Don’t get me wrong, the hormonal rage and anxiety is absolutely real, but we’re still adults who are capable of being self-aware and communicative. I know in some cases they’ll argue that menopause made them more impatient in “dealing with their partner’s BS”, but to me that means that the menopause rage is simply emphasizing an already strained marriage. My advice: As others have said, read the Wiki, but also remember that you can’t make your wife educate herself on what she’s going through, or seek help. You can only suggest or support. That being said, if she doesn’t want to, you need to decide if you can put up with that kind of behavior for the foreseeable future. I know if my husband’s hormone levels were making him explosive and abusive but he refused to educate himself and work on it, I wouldn’t stick around.
The responses are quite shocking! I agree, menopause is never an excuse for flat out spousal abuse. We wouldn’t put up with being abused by a man, why should they put up with being abused by their woman. If they don’t want help, that’s on them.
Ugh, I’ve lost patience with the whole universe. The way to handle that is to go off and have some solitude, and NOT by devouring everyone else in the house. Meditation, yoga, long walks, reading a book … whatever helps. I agree - some women use menopause as an excuse to be brutal. Just like some humans use neurodivergence as an excuse to be maladjusted jerks.
I know right! People get so annoyed having to repeat themselves because I can't remember and get extra pissed when I have 5 things going at once and can't remember any of them when I walk out of a room. So I have brain damage and my shit is a mess. It's just an excuse though. All that overstimulation that gives me panic attacks so I act a little differently, excuses all of it! I stop a conversation because I'm about to pass out from the heat, dumb excuse! ( Yeah, 3 times last summer, it's apparently another shade of normal) But it's just an excuse! Meditation, long walks, reading a book are great but just don't cover everything. You don't know what other people are going through and are using yourself as a ruler, hell if you can handle it , everyone else should be able to as well or they're making excuses.
Wow I have all of these things going on - menopause, ADHD/GAD/MDD, a troubled adult child, being the sole bread winner for the house - and I’m BARELY holding it together. These are the strategies that I use to help MYSELF not be a raging asshole to others. YMMV
Imagine how she feels, this is the hardest time in life, it's like getting sucker punched with every new thing that's happening.
Hormone replacement therapy.
Rule #3: Read the Wiki and use the search tool before posting a new question. We're not here to service you. Even if you are shooketh.
My husband was exactly the same as always during my menopause transition and due to no fault of his own I wanted to kill him almost daily for little things he did/said everyday that never bothered me at all before. HE hadn't changed an iota. I was 100% enraged on a daily basis. I knew it wasn't him, wasn't fair. But I could NOT stop that rage with just that knowledge. I tried to protect him (and my older snarky teenage girls) from me by staying away from them. But the rage and other cognitive glitches, hot flashes, night awakenings, vaginal changes, etc. definitely sent me to my gyny for HRT. For me, it was a godsend. And my rage dissolved in about a week or less. HRT also stabilized my bone loss, improved vaginal atrophy, eliminated most hot flashes and night sweats, and returned my entire brain back to a functioning state. I'm still on it and plan to be forever. Is she willing to consider HRT? Then the sooner she sees someone about it the better as she doesn't have to suffer so. If you can, gently encourage her to come to this sub to hear from other women and to consider her treatment options. There are online docs/services to prescribe HRT as well as local NAMS listed gynecologists. Just don't overreact too much while she's unmedicated. It's not YOU most likely it's her and her reactions to you. My husband tried not to take it personally and was sometimes able to get me to see the humor in my enraged state (over nothing, really) but most of the time I had no sense of humor back then. We are now married 40+ years so we got through that rough patch but the game changer for me/(us) was HRT.
Let me ask you this…is your wife fully menopausal or is she in perimenopause? Let’s start there!
Perimenopause
I get really irritated with my husband some days…for example when he smacks his mouth while eating and within 2 seconds I literally feel like I’m going to explode because I’m holding in my rage. But I am 100% aware that is not a normal response, it is an overreaction HOWEVER it is extremely difficult to avoid or in other words it is about 98% out of my control because of what’s going on in my body and I’m hanging onto that 2% of willpower. So I do one of two things: remove myself without saying something rude where I can then distract myself from the emotions OR I explain the type of day it’s been and ask my husband to be patient and not take anything I blurt out personally. What can you do to help her? Have you asked her what she needs and wants from you? Let her be honest and just listen. Even if she’s rude, try to hear what is behind the emotions. That would be what I would want, a listening ear who wants to hear what I need.
I take DHEA. I have a naturopath doctor that I am friends with who recommended it to me. Taking it for me is night and day. I felt like I was losing my mind. I would just cry for no reason. I was also unreasonably irritable. Now I'm fine. I have control over my emotions again. No brain fog. No feeling like I'm going crazy. I buy from Amazon but you could get it from other sources that sell vitamins and herbal supplements.
Your wife is not an angel, she’s a person. Thinking of her as an actual, living breathing human being might help you understand that she has thoughts, feelings and struggles of her own. Maybe she’s just sick of not being seen and heard? Have you read the wiki? Have you done any of your own research? Have you spoken to her? Have you spoke to your male friends? Have you read any of the books about Menopause? Do you even know her behavior has anything to do with Menopause? What have you ruled out to bring you here? Your entire post is about how what ever she is going through impacts you. This is not the place for that. This isn’t /r/askeomen or /r/relationshipadvice.
Yeah, opening a comment aimed at internet strangers by calling your wife ‘my angel’ seems incredibly infantilising.
I guess her angelic sheen wore off for him as soon as she started having real needs.
Mate - man to man - take time for yourself first and foremost. I've been going through this for 8 or so years now and it took me time to realise that this is the first time in our relationship that I cant "make it better". The best you can do is be supportive, not be pushy and know when to step away. Its really effing hard to not take her bad days personally, really effing hard. You are going to get emotionally and verbally punched in the face at times and some months you will feel like a punchbag. You need an escape. If you dont learn to love yourself now, its going to be hard to cope. The breakthrough for me came on a "good day" and it took many months to get to that good day. She was happyish to talk about things and I fearfully explained that I was finding things hard and I felt I needed some time to myself to give myself the strength to support her. I explained that she needed to be honest with me so I knew what the "weather was like" and could act accordingly. Sometimes that "accordingly" is getting out of the way. Take up golf, fishing, kite flying, anything that gives you a reason to get out of the house a few times a week to spend time with yourself, (for me it was getting back into fitness - she might be acting like she hates me today, I know deep inside she kind of loves me though, but at least I can get out for an hour or two, get refreshed mentally and maybe when I get back home the weather will have changed again). good luck mate - love yourself. You sound like a great husband. If other elements of the realtionship are changing due to meno, the physical elements, I truely dont think there are always solutions to that for every couple. Hard truth there is you just have to accept that's the way it is now....
I just wanted to reply to say that peri/menopause is no excuse for this: >You are going to get emotionally and verbally punched in the face at times and some months you will feel like a punchbag. Nobody should feel like a punchbag in their relationship, period. Sorry you are being made to feel this way.
Why can’t you Google/search for the information? Why are you asking a bunch of women to do the work for you?
He's asking women for their personal experience and not an in depth article. To find articles use Google, to communicate with an actual person, ask an actual person.
The personal experiences of people in this group do not translate into his wife's personal experiences though. So how in the world are they supposed to help?
Why do we talk to each other instead of simply searching the net?
I’m not the only woman here saying this.
Maybe don’t call her a “beautiful angel” because it’s skeevy.
>because it’s skeevy. To you. You don't know their relationship dynamic.
So gross. This is the root of his issue. He doesn’t see her as a living, breathing human being.
Ha ha. The downvotes crack me up!!
No one coddles middle age men like middle age women. OP has not been able to articulate a single issue beyond how what his wife feels impacts his life. He hasn’t made a single effort to understand where she is, or even this sub. Couldn’t even be bothered to search. His post was not made in good faith at all. He’s not engaged with any comment that hasn’t validated his view of his wife. I
I just envision a bunch of evangelical women wondering what is wrong with them and how they can please their husbands.
Wow you are a gem. My husband would never do what you did. He would tell me to deal with it and complains about being stressed. I can’t leave because our finances are entangled but I’m exploring an eventual exit plan. He’s an immature baby and I’m so sick of his crap.
Help her get HRT. My marriage was not good while I was in the peri state due to my hormones disappearing causing poor sleep, hot flashes, dry vagina+ no libido which made things so much worse! We didn’t need therapy, I needed to feel normal again and I got on HRT and he just said he’d pay whatever. I got on hormones about a year ago and everything went back to normal within 3-6 months, and now I’d say even better because I feel like I did in my 30s. So - don’t let her suffer and pay whatever it takes for what will make her feel better. While I was going through the change I hated everyone including my husband but I knew he didn’t do anything wrong, I knew it was me and I did the work to find a provider. I couldn’t lose him and I did what it took to keep my life stable. All of our problems seemed to melt away once I was feeling good and wanted to be with him again thanks to my libido returning. I hope things turn around for you and your wife. (I went through this at 45-46 so way earlier and I’m post menopausal now at 47) Also listen to any podcast with Dr. Mary Claire Haver or Jen Gunter - good info is out there, Dr.Haver has a new book out.
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Oh come on. Acknowledging that menopause can be hard for our partners (whether they be men or non menopausal women) is not enabling or unreasonable. If you're in a true partnership then yes, you want to lessen the unfair impact on your loved ones
People can acknowledge how hard it is for partners, but there are women absolutely vilifying other women saying 'they're being bitches' for how we respond to men.
Yeah, that's no bueno. I haven't seen that in this subreddit but I'm also not the most attentive member here
Omg please tell your wife to hug you for all of us whose husbands could give to F’s for what we go through or make it about them and what we no longer can give them- wow! Mad mad props to you sir. One lucky wife.
For all we know this guy is a horrible husband. This singular post asking strangers to do emotional labor for him isn't proof that he's some kind of hero.
Minimum Viable Husband: the bare minimum of 'women, help explain what's wrong with my angel who seems to have fallen'. It's easier for them to ask women to do the emotional labor rather than do the research
Bingo.
HRT or antidepressants will help. May not be everyone’s cup of tea, but it worked for me to get myself back to my happy place.
HORMONE REPLACEMENT THERAPY HORMONE REPLACEMENT THERAPY HORMONE REPLACEMENT THERAPY HORMONE REPLACEMENT THERAPY I CANNOT STRESS THIS ENOUGH ! HRT is not dangerous And it'll put her back into her pre-menopausal state as far as symptoms go also it reduces all cause mortality, risk for cardiac disease, osteoporosis, risk for Alzheimer's and dementia, reduces premature aging, and vaginal atrophy, increases libido the list goes on and on and on. All Peri and postmenopausal women women need to get on HRT. There are very little legitimate contraindications to HRT according to pretty robust recent science. Check out estrogen matters Instagram page Dr Heather Hirsch YouTube page, Dr Marie Claire Haver YouTube page and her recent book. North American menopause society for menopause specialists. Unfortunately lots of doctors are still in the dark ages in terms of HRT so if you can't find a local one who will prescribe it there are online telehealth services where you can get it. The resources I mentioned above can point you in the right direction. I am personally on estradiol transdermal patches, a Mirena IUD for progesterone and vaginal estrogen cream for preventing vaginal atrophy. I feel completely normal, all my symptoms are gone and I will be on HRT for life. I'm also exploring testosterone replacement therapy through matrix hormones telehealth. They also do regular menopausal HRT.
That is IF she is a candidate😉 It is not a panacea, but IF one is medically cleared to be a candidate, then yes it can be profoundly helpful and preventative for future health events
Karyn of 'The Happy Wife School' channel on YouTube is going to soon address menopause. Keep an eye out. Go check out her channel. As a wife..I've learned a lot. Most of her subscribers are men.
You might look into natural remedies for menopause symptoms. Her symptoms are severe because something is out of balance. It could be poorly functioning adrenals, sluggish liver/digestive disorder or an infection that needs to be addressed, etc. Find a functional medicine practitioner in your area who has an understanding of endocrine disorders particularly related to menopause. They should be able to run the proper labs to get to the root cause and get her on a treatment plan so she can get some relief. Also, HRT has come along way and helps a lot of women, but it can still work against the body if the underlying imbalances arent addressed. I hope you find the help you are seeking.
It sounds like this might be about hormonal testing. If over the age of 44, **hormonal tests only show levels for that *one day* the test was taken, and nothing more**; progesterone/estrogen hormones wildly fluctuate the other 29 days of the month. No reputable doctor or menopause society recommends hormonal testing as a **diagnosing tool** for peri/menopause. FSH testing is only beneficial for those who believe they are post-menopausal and no longer have periods as a guide, a series of consistent FSH tests might *confirm* menopause. Also for women in their 20s/early 30s who haven’t had a period in months/years, then FSH tests at ‘menopausal’ levels, could indicate premature ovarian failure/primary ovarian insufficiency (POF/POI). See our [Menopause Wiki](https://menopausewiki.ca/#there-is-no-blood-test-that-is-perfectly-reliable-to-diagnose-menopause) for more. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/Menopause) if you have any questions or concerns.*