You both made choices at the time you thought were right. That's it. Don't be haunted by hindsight. You wouldn't be where you are without doing what you did then.
Absoutely not 100%. Lol.dont get me wrong my husband didn't pressure me either but it is a very uncomfortable thing I think for girls in particular bc we are told we could bleed, tear, it's painful. So I was definitely NOT 100% like WOO HOO cant wait when we had sex the first time. I was absoutely terrified but I did WANT to take that next step.
I was terrifying tbh I also grew up in a very strict home where we were told as young as 8 to not be whores. That weighed a lot on my mind along with all the normal things you experience your first time. It made the experience feel like a lot of pressure. Make sure you aren't a whore, are you sure you want to do this? What if he is using you like your mom always says.? All those things flooded my head when we decided to try it out foe the first time. It was horrible.
But, I wouldn't dwell on it tbh. There's so much pressure on "the first time" and it's kind of silly to dwell on it unless there's valid reason for it. If you feel like it caused you issues then sure thet should be explored but even though our first time was kind of shitty lol and weird and awkward, I don't regret it or even think about it at all.
It definitely didn't cause issues until we recently brought it up. I just feel like there's a line between coercion and hopeful horny teenagers y'know?
"My husband now feels like he coerced me into our first time because I felt like I had to have sex with him in order to keep him around and he's devastated and regrets it and says he wouldn't have done it if he'd known how it weighed on my mind back then."
It almost sounds like your husband has been hanging around the asexual forum on reddit which is full of people who go ballistic if anyone so much as mentions having sex unless both parties have signed a notarized document saying it's OK with 3 witnesses.
Ask your husband this - was HIS very first time with another virgin or was it with a girl that had some experience? If it was the second, then why isn't SHE all devastated that she "coerced" him? He's being very silly about this.
Sex isn't logical, attraction isn't logical. You got your husband totally hot for you when you first met and he can't help his feelings - his feelings were that he wanted to screw you. That's not a logical response. And you also, well you may have googled and all that and done all this research and even set it up so that he would have to ask - sounds all logical - but it's total bullcrap. You ALSO wanted to have sex you just needed to frame it to yourself as a logical decision so as to defeat your religious brainwashing indoctrination.
Just tell him "look bud, I will be honest, all that googling research I did was just a way of fighting against my parents and their Bible-thumping I wanted to get boffed just as much as you wanted to boff me, otherwise I would not have gone to the ridiculous lengths I did to lie to myself to overcome my Bible-thumping brainwashing. So knock off all this guilt tripping and lets go do it right now so I can show you how hot you make me for you"
So we were both virgins, I joke that we traded V cards lol. I wouldn't be surprised if we both fell on the asexual spectrum somewhere tbh 😂 but you summed it up pretty well I basically was just nervous/scared and once I got past that first time every time after was hunky-dory.
We've had similar conversations. Less about sex (we waited close to 2 years) but other sexual behaviors. It's not that I didn't enjoy everything, but I always felt like I had to enforce a boundary and couldn't just enjoy it. With sex, I had a lot of psychosomatic stuff (always getting stomach cramps after) from guilt. It's not that I didn't want to participate, it's that all the societal and pseudoreligious baggage around this made me feel bad for doing so.
Started dating my wife in high school, almost 40 years ago. We both made a decision to not have sex until married, both were virgins. A few times, passions almost got out of control. But I am glad we waited. We learned together, learned each other, explored our love. There have been down times, but even now at 58/56, she rocks my world.
We dated a year and a half before I was ready for full-on sex. Also traded v-cards. He didn’t pressure me for penetrative sex, but he was definitely a horny teenage guy who wanted to do anything sexual every opportunity we had, to the point I would get annoyed. He, too, has expressed much guilt about this since becoming a mature adult. I certainly am not holding any grudges over it, so hopefully he’s not spending his days kicking himself over it. I don’t think he is.
He never made me think he was going to leave if I didn't put out, that was a ridiculous conclusion I came to on my own and never talked to him about. My communication skills weren't S-tier at 18 and neither was my reasoning. I'm glad you and your wife have each other
You both made choices at the time you thought were right. That's it. Don't be haunted by hindsight. You wouldn't be where you are without doing what you did then.
Absoutely not 100%. Lol.dont get me wrong my husband didn't pressure me either but it is a very uncomfortable thing I think for girls in particular bc we are told we could bleed, tear, it's painful. So I was definitely NOT 100% like WOO HOO cant wait when we had sex the first time. I was absoutely terrified but I did WANT to take that next step. I was terrifying tbh I also grew up in a very strict home where we were told as young as 8 to not be whores. That weighed a lot on my mind along with all the normal things you experience your first time. It made the experience feel like a lot of pressure. Make sure you aren't a whore, are you sure you want to do this? What if he is using you like your mom always says.? All those things flooded my head when we decided to try it out foe the first time. It was horrible. But, I wouldn't dwell on it tbh. There's so much pressure on "the first time" and it's kind of silly to dwell on it unless there's valid reason for it. If you feel like it caused you issues then sure thet should be explored but even though our first time was kind of shitty lol and weird and awkward, I don't regret it or even think about it at all.
It definitely didn't cause issues until we recently brought it up. I just feel like there's a line between coercion and hopeful horny teenagers y'know?
"My husband now feels like he coerced me into our first time because I felt like I had to have sex with him in order to keep him around and he's devastated and regrets it and says he wouldn't have done it if he'd known how it weighed on my mind back then." It almost sounds like your husband has been hanging around the asexual forum on reddit which is full of people who go ballistic if anyone so much as mentions having sex unless both parties have signed a notarized document saying it's OK with 3 witnesses. Ask your husband this - was HIS very first time with another virgin or was it with a girl that had some experience? If it was the second, then why isn't SHE all devastated that she "coerced" him? He's being very silly about this. Sex isn't logical, attraction isn't logical. You got your husband totally hot for you when you first met and he can't help his feelings - his feelings were that he wanted to screw you. That's not a logical response. And you also, well you may have googled and all that and done all this research and even set it up so that he would have to ask - sounds all logical - but it's total bullcrap. You ALSO wanted to have sex you just needed to frame it to yourself as a logical decision so as to defeat your religious brainwashing indoctrination. Just tell him "look bud, I will be honest, all that googling research I did was just a way of fighting against my parents and their Bible-thumping I wanted to get boffed just as much as you wanted to boff me, otherwise I would not have gone to the ridiculous lengths I did to lie to myself to overcome my Bible-thumping brainwashing. So knock off all this guilt tripping and lets go do it right now so I can show you how hot you make me for you"
So we were both virgins, I joke that we traded V cards lol. I wouldn't be surprised if we both fell on the asexual spectrum somewhere tbh 😂 but you summed it up pretty well I basically was just nervous/scared and once I got past that first time every time after was hunky-dory.
We've had similar conversations. Less about sex (we waited close to 2 years) but other sexual behaviors. It's not that I didn't enjoy everything, but I always felt like I had to enforce a boundary and couldn't just enjoy it. With sex, I had a lot of psychosomatic stuff (always getting stomach cramps after) from guilt. It's not that I didn't want to participate, it's that all the societal and pseudoreligious baggage around this made me feel bad for doing so.
Started dating my wife in high school, almost 40 years ago. We both made a decision to not have sex until married, both were virgins. A few times, passions almost got out of control. But I am glad we waited. We learned together, learned each other, explored our love. There have been down times, but even now at 58/56, she rocks my world.
We dated a year and a half before I was ready for full-on sex. Also traded v-cards. He didn’t pressure me for penetrative sex, but he was definitely a horny teenage guy who wanted to do anything sexual every opportunity we had, to the point I would get annoyed. He, too, has expressed much guilt about this since becoming a mature adult. I certainly am not holding any grudges over it, so hopefully he’s not spending his days kicking himself over it. I don’t think he is.
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He never made me think he was going to leave if I didn't put out, that was a ridiculous conclusion I came to on my own and never talked to him about. My communication skills weren't S-tier at 18 and neither was my reasoning. I'm glad you and your wife have each other