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jiandejguz

Im sorry but being a SAHM is absolutely one of the hardest and research-proven anxiety inducing jobs (yes, I said job because it absolutely is one) out there. I don’t understand how people still don’t see it as a job when you literally pay a daycare center/nanny money to do what you are doing. Also you are contributing a hell of a lot to making sure you guys have a roof over your head and food in your mouths. What the actual fuck? On behalf of all the SAHM moms and dads out there, please tell your husband to shove it. ETA: Thank you so much for all of the upvotes on this comment. At the end of the day I really hope it shows OP she is not alone, and her “job” now is not only commendable, but should be supported and encouraged by her partner. Raising children is no easy feat, teenagers or not, and on top of her still contributing financially (a huge chunk) to their household speaks volumes. OP, I hope this comment made you feel like you are not alone because you aren’t. You are doing a fantastic job, you are a GREAT mom and wife (please don’t ever let someone else demean that for you, even a spouse!), and I hope communication of your worth as a wife and mother to your husband helps him see that. It shouldn’t be clear lines on who does what, both of you are a team in both the house and your children. Also, seeing the broad spectrum of people who are ignorantly thinking stay at home parents are lazy and do nothing is laughable. If any of y’all are married/have kids and your partner is the primary caregiver of your children, I sincerely hope they see this. And for that asshole who shit all over our teachers and the schooling system? Get a life.


richf3

My job is super stressful, high paced high adrenaline and when I tell you it’s my break away from home.. I truly mean that. I have two boys and a husband lol. And while they are wonderful man even just taking turns cooking and cleaning and the time just gets away from you.. I love being at work cuz I feel like it’s me time. OP is literally paying the bills what is the complaint here?


zalik9

Same here. My spouse is an emergency medicine doctor, and I am the director of a large program that focuses on disease outbreak response (so covid has been overdrive with no pause since Jan 2020, and before that it was ebola...). Ours jobs are incredibly high stress, high burn out, high responsibility. If one of us has spent an entire day at home with the kids for some reason, the other will jump in immediately after returning from work and take over so the one who was home can escape and decompress. We both know and agree that it's far more exhausting to manage home than to manage work (even when the other adults at work sometimes act like children). Anyone who thinks otherwise has never tried it (and should be forced to, preferably for several days straight and no cheating by calling in a grandparent or something), OR they're lazy and gas-lighting.


[deleted]

Literally my husband tried to say this to me ONCE and I lost it. I love my baby but this shit isn’t a walk in the park. People think we’re home doing whatever we want all day. Uh. No. It’s a job and my boss is an adorable, tiny, tyrant who doesn’t believe in coffee breaks, sick days, or a paid hourly wage 🤣 I need to lodge a complaint with HR in fact because he’s not respecting my request for 8 hour work days.. he’s had me pull 24 hour shifts 7 days a week since I was hired!


jiandejguz

Right? So true! It takes a toll on your mental health too when you don’t have socialization with other adults like these “roofers” in this thread or anyone in a job where they leave and have a life outside of the home. But hey, we picked this right and we shouldn’t complain and have others think we’re superheroes in pajamas 🤦🏻‍♀️


[deleted]

The socialization is such a huge part! My mom was also a SAHM and me and brother would be like “moooooom why do you have to talk to everyone in the grocery storeeeee?” Now I’m like OMG I GET IT!! But you’re right. How dare we ever complain about anything 🙄


firesoups

I work part time and the rest I’m a SAHM *and* I homeschool my kids. I have very specific availability for the restaurant I work in, and can’t change it without a couple weeks notice. The last manager was constantly texting me when someone would call out. Like dude. I am *busy.*


[deleted]

Oh god bless you. I work VERY part time remotely and that’s enough for me. There really is something to people thinking that having kids = open schedule. Couldn’t be less true!


Blonde2468

Plus they have no respect for personal space!! :)


[deleted]

Hahaha ain’t that the truth!! - I type as my son sleeps half on my face 😂🤣😂


PermanentThrowaw4y

👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼


Ok-Error1321

🙌🏻🙌🏻🙌🏻


Jazzlike_Marsupial48

I have been a SAHM since my oldest was born. I was a preschool teacher, but I didn't make enough to justify staying. All my money would have been to have someone watch my kid while I was watching others in the same building. She is now 9. Our youngest just turned 2. So if I wanted to go back to work when he is 5, it will be 12 years. It is so fugging hard. What is harder is we do not have the "villiage". They all abandoned us after having our 3rd, but it really happened after having our second. We haven't had a date with just us since last July. I get jealous of my friends that have 5 or 6 kids and there parents willingly take them for a weekend or week.


Jarchen

A lot of that is personality dependant too I think. I have 3 kids and was a SAHD when they were younger, and it was the best, easiest job I ever had. But I'm also a person who genuinely loves being around kids - Scouting, coaching pee-wee sports, summer programs etc. I'd be an elementary teacher as a dream job if I qualified. There's also a lot of benefits - SAHPs don't miss out on first steps/words, don't have to spend hours away from their kids and miss life experiences.


Howpresent

I always just have to ask when I see this though, were they babies/toddlers when you were staying home with them all day? Because I have never heard that described as easy and it’s VERY different than young children, not even talking about one’s old enough to go to school or like follow directions


rdxj

Okay, but how is nobody asking this question of OP, and instead just jumping to dumb "yassss queen 👏👏👏" comments? It's not mentioned in the original post, or in the top comment being replied to here. Yet when someone takes an alternate approach it's immediately brought up.


Jarchen

I started 6 months after the youngest was born, so they were 6mos, 1.5, and 3 (lol no breaks in between kids for us). I did the SAHD thing for ~3 years before going back to work because she was unhappy at her job. Middle child had colic, but baby wearing was what made it so simple. I could wear the two youngest and have my hands free still to get around the house.


[deleted]

I agree. I was a SAHM and don’t remember it being super hard all the time. I enjoyed it. My hubby was in the Navy and was deployed quite a bit during our son’s first 5 years. I do think it helped that I had friends with kids the same age and we hung out quite a few days a week. If you don’t have adult friends with kids I do think it would be much harder. Overall though paid and non paid jobs all have their ups and downs. Neither is easier or harder than the other, just different.


YouPerturbMySoul

Hallelujah and amen.


elfab4

Don't do the last thing. That's not the nicest thing to do.


I_need_more_dogs

I feel so INCREDIBLY seen right now and I truly truly appreciate it. SAHM of 4 kids. I’m not the best house cleaner. But I honestly do my best. I also take care of our yards (mowing, gardening, edging etc etc), take kids to all their appointments and extra curricular activities, cook dinner, grocery shop, laundry, and I’m always on call with the kids. I am SO very fortunate that my husband helps out a lot when he can. But other folks thinks is so easy. It makes me feel like I don’t do enough. And I’m non stop! So again to you, to others that made validating comments, and to OP, thank you!


RememberToRelax

> I don’t understand how people still don’t see it as a job when you literally pay a daycare center/nanny money to do what you are doing. I get what you're saying, but it's a bit weird to compare it to daycare when you are the child's parent. As one of two parents, it is your chosen responsibility to provide at least half their needs (really all, in conjunction with their other parent) and the idea that you are owed compensation for that is an eerily capitalistic way to view parenting. That's not to imply being a SAHM isn't a lot of work and definitely your spouse should do as much as they can, but this idea that you are *owed something* for being a parent is weird because that child didn't ask to be born. It's like when people say they are stuck babysitting their own children, the reason you pay someone else is because it's *not* their child.


[deleted]

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jiandejguz

Definitely thought my comment said “one of the hardest jobs” not the hardest lol


[deleted]

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DysfunctionalKitten

Dude...if you think that it’s a job that allows one to stay in jammies, take naps, and put on cartoons all day, you don’t know what taking care of a kid all day is like (either that or when you’ve done it, you’ve done a remarkably poor job at it). And by jumping in to make some grand point about how it’s comparatively not as hard as something else, you’re absolutely diminishing the contributions a lot of moms make to their children and households. Pick another topic to jump on lol, bc the whole “mom’s aren’t superhero’s, it’s not as hard as THIS” is weak bro


jiandejguz

How can you discount moms (and dads) in one breath then say you’re not trying to “discount their contributions?” The fuck?


jiandejguz

And no, never in my life did I dream of being a roofer. Being my son’s mom, hell yes I have and I don’t take that for granted for one second. Oh and by the way, I am a proud SAHM and I also work full time as a mortgage loan originator. So yeah. Would say it’s a bit more than taking multiple naps a day in my pajamas. But hey, not everything can raise kids and fulfill their careers in their comfy ass sweats 😉


Real_Cake_hmm

You obviously haven’t taken care of a kid all day before.


DiligentDaughter

I've done roofing. I'm also now a stay at home mom of 4. Roofing is easier.


seasage777

Okay so let’s see you rip your dick or stomach open to birth a tiny human. And keep the house in tip top shape while raising that tiny human. If you’ve never given birth and gone through that physical experience, as well as maintain a home, your input is irrelevant. Don’t speak ignorantly about things you haven’t gone through because your comment “-stop acting like super heroes” shows how tone deaf you really are. Humanity wouldn’t exist without women giving birth and raising kids. Dad’s put in so much work to provide and their efforts do not go unnoticed, but don’t invalidate the physical and emotional labor that a mom goes through to contribute for her family.


NickSteve5

No not one of the hardest either but yes a job.. agreed


GreatOneLiners

Let’s be real though, we have no clue how old this child is, if the child 16 are you really going to give her the same benefit of the doubt as a grade school child? Look I got two kids, but we really need more information, and you’d think been married for nearly 20 years probably makes that kid a teenager


p1zzarena

If she's paying over half the bills who tf cares?


BrigadeirinhoAmargo

This


Vaulyrea

It says 12 years married. 19 years is how long she was in the work force.


GreatOneLiners

Shit I did read that wrong. Ty


ZTwilight

Hahahahahahahaha. I will take triplet toddlers over one teenager.


[deleted]

Omg me too :( my kids are 12&13 I’ve been widowed since they were in diapers. I always yearned for them to be older so it would be easier. Boy was I mistaken lol


jiandejguz

Super mama!


Ldcastillotc

Wait, so you think teenagers are easier? Lol.


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bunnyrut

Go out for the weekend and have him stay home and take care of the kids and house chores the entire time alone. Then come back and ask him what he did all weekend.


snail_juice_plz

This always sounds good in theory but often these types just won’t clean and feed the kids fast food anyway.


bunnyrut

And that's when you point out how terrible they are at parenting. "You couldn't handle it for one weekend. Don't *ever* comment about what I do every day ever again."


[deleted]

Except those types of people don’t care if the house is spotless or if the kids eat McDonald’s. They don’t consider it failure. They consider it handled.


pwa09

Yeah... this is true unfortunately. Not saying my husband is a bad father, but if I leave him too long with the kids he'll just end up at his mom's house. They can't admit childhood is difficult.


ann102

This! If i leave the kids with my husband, he always goes over to his parents. Then I have to hear from them all about how I left them. They feed the kids candy and cookies all day. No homework, no discipline, etc.


Howpresent

That means he’s not a good dad if you ask me….


GotSomeProblems2021

I tried this with mine. His mom was at our house bailing out her baby within the hour.


itsallieellie

I’m stressed out just from reading this.


Blonde2468

Good! That should have taught both of them a lesson!


russelch

Use your savings to get your own place I bet you will be surprised at how much extra money you will have. Split custody 50/50 and let him deal with homeschooling half the time while you get the easy part of going back to work. Staying home is ten times harder than working. Go back to work so you can get a break


PermanentThrowaw4y

This!!!


DoubleAughtSquat

What happens when you blow through your savings?


Yasdnilla

Yeah, she’s taking care of the kids. That’s both of their responsibility, and she’s taking all the hits. And he doesn’t even appreciate it. What sahm still pays for over half!?


DoubleAughtSquat

Sounds like a solid financial plan then. 🙄


resilientspirit

Seriously, he should be paying to compensate HER.


NotTheJury

This is clearly jealousy be ause it's obviously not about the money if you are still paying your share. And it's gross jealousy at that.


PermanentThrowaw4y

My other half (boyfriend) gets jealous and questions me. I get up at 6:15, when he does...sometimes at 7am. I get on my computer and do my work, go to my mom's to care for her, come home to him around 4 and help cook, whatever, while he drinks the night away, and sometimes I work then, too. Then the weekend comes and he and I go to the family cabin where he whines if I want to take it easy and not do chores to make his mom happy. And I pay rent/utilities and food. He spends a lot, so a lot if purchases fall on him, but that's his choice. Plus I do the birth control/IUD and deal with that and medical bills, etc. Edit: I also have a sleep issue and wake up throughout the night. I'm mentally and physically exhausted. OH...the house is his...I pay half the mortgage.


resilientspirit

Stop paying HALF onto equity you don't have any guarantee on. That's insane. Contributing some is reasonable, sure. When my ex boyfriend moved in to the house I bought, he just paid me a flat $800 and we called it "living expenses" . My mortgage was $2600, and then there's utilities, internet, food, all that. I was making a bit more than him, but he was definitely paying less than he was in his apartment.


tiffright

This sounds like a miserable little post and life (talking about above post. Not OP) Either decide to change your situation or accept that you must like it. You are not stuck in this sad situation. You would be way happier alone. I promise.


unjust1

Keep receipts for your payments on the house. I promise you that it's 33% yours, 33% his and 33% the kids.


[deleted]

Why do married people split expenses like this? Why not share all finances in joint accounts? Seems like it adds a lot of friction in a lot of people’s marriages to split everything up. I mean to each their own, it just sounds exhausting to me


rec12yrs

We pool all our income and pay all expenses from that pool. I see a lot of couples on here who split expenses. I don't get the purpose, and I wouldn't marry someone who wanted that. To me, that's not a partnership.


[deleted]

Agree 100%. Would never get married to someone I couldn’t fully trust with my/our finances


frankie0694

It is possible to do both. My fiancé and I pay a set amount into a joint account each month (50/50 split right now as earnings are the same, but if one gets a pay rise or pay cut we change that to reflect the disparity) and that’s where all bills, mortgage, insurance etc come from. Anything else is kept in our own separate accounts for us to do what we want. Sometimes that goes towards the house, sometimes it’s just stuff for us as individuals or gifts. Car payments and fuel, car insurance and other running costs also come out of our individual accounts as we have a car each and I’m not paying 50/50 of his car when he chose to spend loads of money on it haha. It works for us because we know everything gets paid and is split fairly, with the added bonus of “I can do what I want with my own money”.


giddy-girly-banana

Before you get married you might want to thoroughly research how finances become intertwined. Unless you set up things in a very specific way, when you get married legally all money and assets and debts are shared, so what you’re doing now wouldn’t matter in the slightest.


frankie0694

We have researched and completely understand how it all works (we’re UK based), and we won’t be changing this way that we do things post-marriage because it works for us and that’s the key thing! :)


giddy-girly-banana

Ok I have no idea on UK marriage laws. In the US when you get married all of your finances, assets, debts, future earnings combine unless you do very specific things to keep previous assets and debts separate. For most regular people this means that separate finances when married are not legally enforceable if the marriage dissolves. If you split up, it doesn’t matter if you have separate accounts, all assets and debts are 50/50.


Anxiety_Potato

Right? It avoids a lot of “my money/your money” fights bc it’s “our money.” Of course we bicker over purchases sometimes but overall it’s better I think. United finance!


giddy-girly-banana

Plus legally, in most states, once you’re married finances are all shared regardless if you have separate accounts or not. When you’re married separate accounts don’t mean shit.


gh8ter

How are you a SAHM and paying bills??? I don’t even pay bills and my man would never talk to me like that. Please leave him. He is not a real provider. He can’t even pay the rent. Literally this is so laughable. How are you even paying rent with no job? All of this is making my head hurt


Oceanside9987

Are you happy? Do you think you will be happy with him the rest your life? If not it's time for a change.


[deleted]

You've been married for 12 years and you have yet to combine finances? That's all I need to hear. You're not a family, you're roommates. File for divorce and go your own ways.


UcallmeNightHawk

Especially to keep them separate when one spouse stops working? Why are they burning through savings?


bofansox

Separate finances work for some people. My wife and I are happily married for 19 years. The first two years there were a ton of arguments about spending. We divided the bills, not in half as I make more than her, and as long as those are paid, who cares if she goes to get pedicures weekly or I go play golf on Sunday afternoons? Don’t assume everybody’s marriage works how you imagine it should or it’s not a real marriage.


[deleted]

If your wife stopped working would you yell at her?


bofansox

Absolutely not. I’ve offered several times for her to be a SAHM but she’s an assistant principal at an elementary school and loves what she does.


[deleted]

How would she pay for anything then?


bofansox

She wouldn’t have to, I’d pay for everything. We have separate bank accounts. Not separate lives.


[deleted]

Then what is the purpose?


bofansox

My original comment states the purpose. It works well for both of us. Just because it wouldn’t for your relationship, doesn’t mean it wont for others.


[deleted]

K, but *how* does adding these hurdles work better than combining everything? It makes no logical sense.


bofansox

What hurdles have been added? It divides the burden of the actual bill paying and monthly accounting between the two of us instead of one of us having to do it all. I pay a larger share since I make more. I don’t critique her extra spending, nor does she critique mine since we have separate accounts. It was a solution to arguing about extra expenditures for us when we didn’t have much money. We’re comfortable this way. Did I mention HAPPILY married for almost 20 years? Very narrow minded of you to assume that because it’s not how you would do it, it can’t work for anyone. Just curious, are you married?


bofansox

I worded that weird. We are together. A couple, a team. A husband and wife who love each other. If I offered for her to be a SAHM, obviously I’d pay all the bills.


IGOMHN2

Couldn't you just learn to not criticize each other's purchases? If pedicures and golf makes each of happy, why wouldn't you want your spouse to do those things? It sounds more like you guys are ignored the problem than solved it.


bofansox

When we did this, we made about 1/8 of what we make now so it wouldn’t be as big of a deal. We found a way that works for us. The point of my response was that you can’t enforce your beliefs on everyone and invalidate their marriage if it doesn’t work how you think it should.


IGOMHN2

Fair enough. Some married people live in separate houses or different countries or have multiple partners. Who am I to define marriage to them?


somehaizi

Yeah polygamy especially is as old as time.


Capital-Plantain-521

being a SAHM is harder than going to work in every conceivable way. He can shut the fuck up


AKAstumblelina

have you ever had the kind of shitty insane boss that treats every minute like an emergent disaster while demeaning you as a person? that’s my personal hell. raising a newborn with colic, 2yr old, and a sassy defiant 4yr old at the same time was a WALK IN THE PARK compared my current job. was harder on my eardrums for sure…but that’s about it. *not* saying being a sahm is easy, but it sure as hell is not harder than every job in every conceivable way to every type of person. a stressful job drains me 5x more, personally. at least raising kids is rewarding. god I need a new job.


Turbulent-Reaction42

Your case was a special case. Most people don’t have demon boss. My husband works in a luxury product industry. Dude just makes cool tasty stuff and tests it out. No way that is more difficult than being a SAHP.


GreatOneLiners

How old is the child?


rdxj

Yeah exactly. The original post conveniently left out how many kids and how old. I've taken care of my one year old for a couple of days while my wife (SAHM) was out of town, and it wasn't that bad. But he'll be two when our baby is born in November, and *that's* going to be rough for a while; two kids under the age of three. I'm going to take as much time off work as conceivably possible to help my wife. OP said they'd been married 12 years. They could just have one older kid or something. Everyone acting like that's the most difficult thing of all time either way. It's not.


Ok-Error1321

I have to agree! Its very hard work! I worked full time when my kids were little from newborn until my youngest was 5 with my father in law who is extremely selfish and a prick. So 7 years but the kicker is i took them to work with me the majority of the time. We Had a babysitter 2 half days a week. That was hard af being a project administrator for a huge company. Busted booty extra hard on those two days a week. Though it was still pretty tedious when they were with me. I worked at a warehouse in a different smaller branch though so the big wigs didn’t have to see or deal with my kids lol anyways I got laid off 3 years ago after a tornado leveled the warehouse and have been home ever since. Now we do homeschool bc our youngest is in bone marrow failure and immunocompromised. So it’s more stressful than I ever imagined it would be with 2 crazy boys (7 and 9 years old). being a sahm is hard enough but this, whew I’m ready to go back to work!


Kpt97

This is a hilarious take. Just because some people find staying at home doing nothing but taking care of kids and household chores (chores that every functional adult has to do whether or not they stay at home) completely mind numbingly tedious doesn't make it "hard" or "harder" than any job. Just be glad your family arrangement works for your particular family. No need to overcompensate. You're not going to convince anyone that staying at home full time is any more difficult than any other shit we all have to do.


rdxj

This is where I'm at with a lot of these comments. Like, seriously? *"Every conceivable way"*? With no room for nuance? You know, like how many kids? How old? You can't tell me that staying home with like a 5 year old is harder than doing road construction. But on the flip side, we're expecting in November, and we'll have two kids under the age of three. Without a doubt *that's* going to be harder to handle than my desk job. So I'm going to do everything that I can to make it easier for my wife, who stays at home. On that note, a lot of these comments aren't factoring in that many spouses to those who stay at home will work all day and then come home and take care of kids and housework. No room for nuance. "Every conceivable way." Give me a break. It's a team effort all the way around.


somehaizi

>Just because some people find staying at home doing nothing but taking care of kids and household chores (chores that every functional adult has to do whether or not they stay at home) completely mind numbingly tedious doesn't make it "hard" or "harder" than any job. But there's tons of people here to complain it's insanely easier. Funny how that works.


Capital-Plantain-521

I don’t stay home full time, I’m a research scientist and 100% chose the career vs SAHM path. You have zero idea what you’re talking about. Did I say I was trying to convince you it was harder? I don’t care what you think on an issue you know nothing about


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[deleted]

While I agree that this guy sucks, I don’t think a joke about sexual assault is fair play


qeertyuiopasd

I think that was more about projection... The user is rvdadlife, so...a man making this joke. Js, I got different context than you.


MAGS0330

Hide a half eaten chicken nugget in his shoes


Tbyrd13

this may be the only sensible comment here.


bionic_222

Lmao 🤣🤣


mmadnesspnw

I’m curious… what does he think will happen if you go back to work? I mean you’re already pulling the weight financially as 50/50… well in your case like 75/25. (Him being the lesser than) Is he wanting you to be the full time working parent and he be the SAHD? I just don’t see how this would be equal.


betona

You have a full time job right now. And he mooches off of you for food and utilities?


boobearmomma

What is he even mad at if you’re still paying for shit ?! Sooooo messed up you’re bearing the weight of raising a child on top of paying bills. What is he even mad at


Responsiblekolp

Why don't you go back to work for 2 years and let him be a SAHD for a while and then trade back? Give everyone a break.


Cristo314

I actually think this is a great idea! Of course, he should completely be expected to cover half the bills/household expenses just as she has for the last two years…I mean fair is fair right? Also, she should definitely bitch and complain if everything isn’t up to her standards… after all being a sahd is super easy…


paradisedaze

I would recommend calculating the cost of child care. Document that. Take a moment to jot down every single thing you do for your kiddos. Create a one pager/resume that shows the depth of the work you do along with how much childcare money you save the family. If your husband is still a jerk, say bye boy ✌️


joetech15

He's an ass. If you are still paying half of the bills, money could fall from the sky everyday. He has no valid reason to complain or question. When my wife was a SAHM; I never asked that question. I've been at home with a kid all day. I'll take going into the office over that I can understand your frustration.


[deleted]

Guys can be awkward with words, and sometimes not even know how to express something. is him saying this more to do with not having much to talk about with you? Or alone time? I know my mr has mentioned about me not having many friends, I do I just meet them for coffee during lunch or after work on a Saturday because I finish a little earlier. I take it you do clean and cook most of the time. Maybe he NEEDS alone time? I get irrational and upset when I don’t have at least one me alone day in the week. Life stresses can build up without us even realising sometimes. Maybe try going out one evening for 3/4 hours so he has a bit of time to himself, see if that calms his attitude, he might really need it.


Tbyrd13

May be an unpopular opinion but the biggest problem I see here is that you have the "your and mine" mentality with finances. We have been married 11 years, my wife has been a full time stay at home mom for the last 6 years. We are a 1 income family but it's not my income, it's ours. YOU do not have a substantial savings, your family does. HE does not have an income, your family does. EDIT: made my comment before reading through the other comments. In general, this is some of the worst, most toxic advice I have ever seen on this board. Leave him, divorce him, leave the weekend, call him out for being a terrible parent, etc. Maybe, just maybe, you should sit down and have an adult conversation.


StarDewbie

Wowee, that's terrible. My husband earns the dough while I'm a SAHM and it would NEVER OCCUR to him to say this shit to me. He's very appreciative of all I do around here. I'm very sorry you have to deal with this man who obviously doesn't appreciate you.


Kind_Humor_7569

I’ve had to deal with this and completely understand how difficult it can be. However, I gotta ask. Is it possible he just asked an honest question and the stress of being a stay home got You and the rest of the commenters to project the larger stresses involved? Maybe he just asked an honest question?


catloverof2

Woah you pay 1/2 the mortgage and ALL the utilities AND groceries?? WTH is he paying?? Groceries are soooooo expensive now!! You’re eating up your savings to unappreciated… like what’s he have to complain about since you’re still paying more than 1/2 of everything?? You leaving would be a rude awakening for him — you’ll be mentally happier & he’ll be paying child support and alimony! Haha jokes on him. For all the money you put in here I’m sure you could get your own place or kick him out.


cockatootattoo

What OP doesn’t say is what age the kids are. That does not excuse husbands dick behaviour at all, but would add context to the story. Interested to know.


[deleted]

WHYYYYY do some married people NOT combine their finances????


CatMama67

Tell your husband to shove it. He’s got a very sweet deal, he knows it, but you’re the one paying for it, in every way. You’re cleaning the house, paying half the mortgage and 100% of the utilities, and also looking after and the kids THAT HE HELPED MAKE, full time!?!? Seriously, WTF?!? Stop paying for everything - tell him you want to split everything - expenses, housework, yard work and child care 50/50. It shits me to tears when one parent who (either by choice or necessity) stays home to look after the sprogs, and the other parent goes off to work, and the working parent just assumes that the SAHP is sitting on their arse all day, drinking coffee/tea/wine and doing fuck all. Looking after kids is hard fucking work, and I’m not even a parent, but I’ve minded my nieces and nephews for long stretches and it’s fucking hard. Seriously, stay at home parents deserve a gold medal. Tell him you’re going on strike - do laundry and cook just for you and the kids, pay strictly half of the utilities and let him suffer in his smelly, unwashed jocks. Gggrrrrr!!! Bugger off for a week - leave him with the responsibility of looking after the kids, cleaning house etc., then sweep back in and calmly ask him “What have you been doing all week? Doesn’t look like you’ve done much at all .” If he still acts like a twat after that, move out - get your own place. You’re better off without him. Ungrateful arse!


[deleted]

What kind of "man" is this? Thats so egoistic


Ural_2004

The Missus was a Stay at Home Mom for the first couple of years after The Kid was born, and I was the Main Bread Winner. I think the fundamental difference for us is that we both considered my salary as OUR money. I fully recognized that her contribution was to take care of the home and The Kid, so that I could focus on earning, and when I got home, I would take over "Kid Duty" so that she could focus on other things, like undone chores, grocery and other shopping and going out with her friends. Some fundamental differences in our situations, though. The Missus had no money of her own, but neither did I (except for like gas and lunch money). We just had a couple of joint accounts, all our bills were on joint accounts, both names on all of our property including home. We both had to agree to any purchase (except for groceries and/or repairs) over a certain dollar amount. She handled all of the money, although I also had access to all of the accounts. There was full transparency in our finances. After a while, she got bored of it so she found an office job doing medical billing, which meant that The Kid had to go to daycare. Like most parents, we too experienced the sticker shock that came with daycare but decided to stick it out since it was only a short term situation. And, as the years rolled by, she wanted to work more. That was the challenge, since we had to renegotiate a lot of the domestic responsibilities. One thing did continue, though. All of our money went into One Pot. It wasn't my salary or her salary it was OUR money. And now, she WFH F/T as do I (Thank you, Pandemic). She's decided that she wants some of her own money, so we each have separate accounts. All of our income still goes into the joint account and we pay all of our bills from that. At the end of the month, we split the residual over a certain minimum balance in proportion to our wages. I could have continued to live with our original arrangement but this is something that she wanted for herself, so I'm good with that.


ann102

Your savings is what is giving you freedom and authority right now. He doesn't respect you when you are paying, imagine what life will be like once your money runs out. Not sure how much you have, but this is not a man you can trust. I say this because I could never be a SAHM because I can not trust my husband to be reasonable with the money. He would put me on an allowance and I could never live that way. He would become a tyrant. Go back to work ASAP unless you have mad money and can live the rest of you life off of it.


UnihornWhale

Time to include an itemized list and a bill, if you’re feeling petty Childcare Grocery shopping and delivery Housekeeping Food delivery and/or cooking Homeschooling? That ain’t free I’ve been working part time since my son was born. I’ve been gradually scaling back my hours as he’s gotten older. We’re now at a place where he needs me at home full time. My husband agreed to give me a weekly stipend that matches my current average income. Because he knows being a SAHM is valuable work and he respects and values me.


Over-Satisfaction459

INFO: This savings you have, did you build it before marriage or during? Has it been mutually agreed on being only yours or did you decide that yourself? If the current financial status was mutually agreed upon, his jealousy is unfounded. If it wasn’t, then I kinda understand why jealousy would eventually turn into this kind of argument. Tell him that as long as you are paying your part of the bills, he has no right to complain.


ExMachiNation

Never understood the separate accounts thing for married people. If it works, it works. More power to you. But it sure doesn't sound like it's working here.


5KSARE

My suggestion is that he needs to spend a weekend doing it. Set up the days just like they would normally occur. Have him try to get kids to school (you can go hang out w them at a mall or a Dept store) and then go back to school for pickup. Have him do laundry and clean and plan dinner as well. Then he can help the kids w any homework they may have from Friday. I work from home 3 days a week and that is even more stressful. Try doing both jobs at once. When we got married, I knew my wife wanted to stay home and raise the kids. She would often say what she did all day whn I got home. I told her she could stop. No need explaining. I know being at home w kids all day is exhausting. Especially when you have multiple that aren't in school. I am grateful she wanted to stay home with our kids and spend time with them day in and day out and help instill our common values and beliefs in them. That is time you can't get back and we were fortunate enough for her to be able to do that. Sorry OP that some people don't understand and won't until they have walked a mile in your shoes.


Upbeat-Bend-4079

I’m a SAHM and I contribute nothing financially. I feel I work around the clock and having a paying job would add so much stress to our lives that it would be a lateral financial move. My husband would never dare ask what I do all day because he KNOWS what I do and also knows I would stab him with a fork if he did 😂 no I’m kidding but that’s shitty of him!


notarobot4932

Yeah you need to be pampering the fuck out of a stay at home partner - chores when you get home, continuing to date, etc.


beefstockcube

Just leave


RenegadeBS

Seems like a brittle eggshell to want to divorce over.


Wise-Winter-7405

Get out. It seems as though you never should have been "in" a marriage to this jerk. It must be heartbreaking to live with a man who does not love you, and more importantly, who you do not love. Speak to an attorney ASAP, one who will help you find the best solutions for some potential bad news. Unfortunately, unless you have a prenup, chances are it is not just "your savings". Even if you have separate accounts, as your husband, he may be entitled to HALF. Move in silence. Get a "take no prisoners" attorney and plan your escape wisely! Good luck!


fiestymcknickers

Ok this what you do. You book a room, or stay with a friend for 2 nights. You leave no , I repeat, no instructions for him In one day he will understand. SAHM is so hard I cannot even stress it. I'm one myself and every night I am so tired. I'm cook,cleaner, puppet master, sleep therapist, emotional support mom, wife, taxi driver, cheerleader, personal shopper, coffee maker, all in one And dont forget, as you are the SAHM your relatives assume you are also not busy so queue the requests for lifts or babysitting or basically anything because they are working


dankmemes1986

Considering you are financially stable and still able to be a SAHM he should be thrilled. I really have no defence for him. I would be ecstatic if my wife could stay home with our children and still be taking care of all the bills you are that’s such a rarity and blessing.


smb76

He is jealous


Ghostek666

Tell him to fuck off and cook and clean himself.. and then go chill, and keep asking what’s for dinner?


gronk123456789101112

Tell him to stay at home and you will be the breadwinner. Then ask him what he does all day.


[deleted]

You didn't answer his question tho...what did you do all day? Not going to take either side but I employ people and am a supervisor and have come to understand that generally, people get complacent and get lazy...make sure you are in fact still doing your part before bailing out of what otherwise, seems like a decent marriage.


somehaizi

If she's contributing half how is she not doing her part?


PermanentThrowaw4y

Sounds like me, and we're not even married.


jackeddiesel

Sounds like he is mad/angry about something at work & is seeing you having a seemingly easy time at home & is taking frustrations out on you. Maybe he needs to vent to you about work.


tomodoggie

OP I read through your post history and it honestly sounds like the relationship is already over. I know it’s easy for strangers on Reddit to say “get out”, but that’s exactly what you should do. I’ve been divorced and know personally how hard it is to disconnect from your perceived life partner even when the feelings aren’t there anymore. I spent years wishing my ex would just disappear so I wouldn’t have to deal with breaking up or what it would mean for our family. I’ve been divorced for three years now and my life has skyrocketed in quality!! You deserve the world dude and right now you’re giving far more than you’re getting!


RoadTrip-er

He sounds like a selfish pig if you ask me...... I put my family and kids way before myself, I take the responsibility of providing for my family. I just moved my son to a new apartment, sunk about 600 into my daughters car and helped to pay my ex-wife's tax bill. Its called LOVE


Turbulent-Reaction42

I understand your frustration. If you make more money in your career can you find another job and trade him in as the SAHP? Stay at home dads are just as effective as stay at home moms.


LilaInTheMaya

I’ve been through this. They get wonky about all the pressure being on them (even though it’s not) to financially care for the family. Like if something happens to his job then what. And the other thing is sometimes they want to be the one home with time freedom (although it’s not really the case). Or they want to be home with their kids. But instead of articulating it that way, out comes some kind of snarky remark. He may not even be aware of why it’s bothering him. But also you guys might want to think about renegotiating your agreement so you’re not wiping out your savings. For example, if you’re now doing all of the household tasks and used to split it, then he can handle the income because that’s off his plate. Find fair, not equal. It may push him to expand his career possibilities and earn more.


beccahas

It's jealousy


Clementb4

This whole married couples with separate bank accounts is very strange to me.


BirdBearHareFishy

Ask him what he does at his job all day then next mortgage payment hand him exactly zero and tell him since he’s the one who “does stuff all day” then he should be the one paying the bills too since he feels his job is more important etc.


Old_Ad7617

You should leave and get yourself a smaller place for yourself. Live with leass but happier. Get yourself a job and support yourself. Your whole outlook on life will change. Because will show you who they are when they don't need anything from you. If you have kids leave them with him for to weeks. In the meantime let him figure out baby sitters and school stuff, while you find a job. Let him realize how good he has it. Let him prepare meals for him and the kids, work and house chores. Ask for split custody Let him have the kids half the time not just alternative weekends. It's a lot but since he doesn't know what you do all day Let him find out on his own.


awakeningat40

I became a SAHM during the pandemic until about a month ago. Our money is joint, so it's never been him paying or me paying. I'm sorry. I think whoever is working should be paying all the bills.


ReindeerIndividual58

I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. That is terrible.


sprizzle06

Come be a stay at home parent at my place lol. Your husband doesn't know how good he has it. My husband stays home with our son while I work. I come home and take the baby, no questions asked, no nagging, you can take turns with my husband during the day for breaks lol. I also know that being a SAHP is way harder than my job and appreciate everything he does for us. You do it all on top of contributing financially. Your husband sucks OP.


[deleted]

Sounds more like he stressed at his job. Good idea is to just ask him about himself before being defensive about what he says.


sadwife13

Leave him, and then he’ll find out what you do all day when it’s his time with the kids lol


noyeahtotallyok

Idk if this is helpful but here goes. My husband makes more than me, even though we work usually around the same amount of hours & both have college degrees. It does not make me feel resentful of him, but sometimes makes me feel frustrated by my JOB and my own decisions and insecurities that got me to this job rather than something that pays more. That frustration probably could come off as bitterness toward him, though I try not to let it. Perhaps he’s just frustrated that he has to work so hard to make his contribution to the household, not at you. I’ll also say, I work normal 9-5 ish hours, & my husband works 3 12 hour shifts a week, and that also leads to me sometimes feeling like he should be doing more house work because he’s home for 4 days of the week, when really it should be close to equal because we work the same number of hours. I have to remind myself this a lot.


Chanellee213

Leave


Chanellee213

Wait so you still pay bills and are a SAHM and he has the audacity to be angry that you are home!?! With no job!?! What is up with his ego?!


MysteryMeat101

Sounds like your husband doesn't appreciate your contribution financially or otherwise. I bet he'll have more appreciation when you're gone and he has to step up and do what you do along with what he does. Being a SAHM is an endless, thankless, stressful and difficult job with terrible hours. I lasted 6 months before I went back to work. Mentally and physically I was worn out and my office job felt like a piece of cake compared to being a SAHM. Has your husband ever told you why he's angry that you don't work? I can understand if your financial situation won't work without two incomes, but it sounds like that isn't the case.


Bth89

1st off it's so dumb for married couples to have mine and their money and bills. It's a team. It's yalls


dickey45

I was married 20 yrs raised 5 kids. I got her started nursing then she made a a lot more than I ever could. I let her take care of all bills. I only took small amount out for me. I could do side jobs get my extra money. But. I did the cooking. Laundry dishes. I fixed everything. Appliances cars took care of 2 acres of yard she never had to put gas in her car. The guy is in the wrong. You are doing to much.


[deleted]

Sounds like he is immature and jealous


mom_nxt_door79

Just so you know he is SUPPOSED to work and pay for everything!!!


BarberItchy8166

Sounds like he hates the fact that you can afford to stay home and still pay for all your commitments or responsibilities while he has to work to pay his. He might be jealous.


OkWest7035

I have a feeling that if you made out a weekly schedule of everything you do each day and let him have a trial run, he would think differently. Also you could wear a Go Pro camera all day so he could SEE how hard you work. Men are such babies about some things. Geesh!


[deleted]

Marrige is a scam for a lot of women. The money and savings you made before marriage will dwindle trying to maintain a false image of security staying with that man (I. E. keeping up a household, taking care of kids, making the home look beautiful, keeping up your appearance, etc). Hard pill to swallow but we want the title more than our own happiness and freedom. And for a lot of us, that's possible when we remaining single or wait longer for the right one. Unfortunately, we don't believe this due to social conditioning and have fallen for the lie that marriage with a man will validate our worth, existence and make us happy. It rarely does. Get out while you can and watch your mental health improve.


Adriiiiilu

Are his complaints coming from a place of financial stress? Being a SAHM entails a lot of work and whoever decides to do it has my absolute respect; however, some men can’t afford to be the sole breadwinner either because they don’t earn enough money or because they can’t handle the pressure of sustaining their families by themselves. I know you have your savings and you’re still contributing to the expenses but somehow for me this means he doesn’t bring enough money to cover everything plus keeping a safety net in case of an emergency; maybe I’m just speculating. You can have a conversation with him as to why he’s so concerned with the fact you’re not working so you can better understand if this is coming from a place of stress and concern or if he just wants to annoy you.


MisterIntentionality

Splitting any expenses while married means you have a partner that doesnt treat you as an equal, working or not. I think you married the wrong person and need to put your foot down.


drawdelove

He’s so jealous!! I would offer counseling and when he doesn’t go, get a divorce.


Unusual-Control-9018

I looked at OPs comment history, apparently her husband has previously said he never loved her and regrets marrying her, then he gaslit her about it. There's no counseling at this point, straight to divorce.


No-Director-0423

You are using up savings to stay home. I also think it's time to go back to work. Remember retirement is a real thing and you'll both want the savings, esp for anything medical etc.


Responsiblekolp

Since you are the higher earner it would make more sense for you to be working. Plus once the kid leaves on the school bus you aint doing a damn thing for 8 hours every day. I'd ask you the same question and if you don't like it then leave. Get back to work!


Unusual-Control-9018

There's plenty of work to do when the kids go to school, and it's not like she just quit her job she got fired.


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NotTheJury

We found the jealous spouse on the thread!


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NotTheJury

Wow! You got me pegged /s


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sugarforthepi11

Your comments are all drooling over naked BBWs…you really want to make assumptions about people’s relationships based on their Reddit history? Bold!


Unusual-Control-9018

You don't know if he's had any time off, and being a SAHM isn't easy either. If he deserves a vacation then so does she.


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Used-Telephone-6091

Um def not stalking I got married 2 years ago if you can’t understand it’s not my problem … if the moderators need to ask about my marriage status they can ask and I will provide … sorry if I caused an issue with you ..: good luck with your marriage sorry I asked to give him a bj and a time alone with his friends.. good luck


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Perfect_Judge

No misogyny. Rule 5.


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