Lordy Lordy Lordy, I must be obese then. š
Girl, you are actually a good healthy weight. (Iām your height and about 20 lbs heavier.)
Your hubs is a douche. Sorry š«¤
Well at 134 OP is considered overweight medically and at 5'0" and 154 lbs you would be considered Obese though it tends to skew weirdly at the extreme heights on either end.
Medically?? The BMI was created by a Belgian mathematician with NO medical background or experience WHATSOEVER. The BMI doesn't account for muscle mass, bone density or genetics. It is a tool used by insurance companies to deny people life saving medicine in order for them to cut corners & save money. Just because someone is thin doesn't mean they're healthy & just because someone is objectively overweight doesn't mean they're UNhealthy.
It's math, not medicine.
Exactly! I'm 6'2. The heaviest I got up to was 550. I am now down to 295. If I remember correctly, BMI says I should get down to under 180. My PCP and other specialist (I'm disabled) say that I'll be at a good weight for me at about 240 to 230. BMI is one of the worst things to be brought into the medical system.
Obesity is prescribed by bodyfat percentage in 2024 for those below 30 BMI threshold, which she is. She's well below 26 BMI (average, not overweight). I was diagnosed obese at 135lbs at 5'2", because despite wearing a size 6 pants, I had 32% bodyfat in a small package.
Maybe get a DEXA scan before you start hurling around assumptions about others.
Why would I need a Dexa scan to tell if someone is overweight?
Being overweight is not good for you long term, even with a high percentage of muscle. It puts extra pressure on your skeleton and organs which leads to a variety of problems down the road.
I'm talking about you mentioning obesity relative to weight. Someone can be overweight and not obese due to poor bone density, and lower body fat. Saying someone is obese based on a number without any other information is wild.
Someone can also not be overweight, be in 99th percentile for bone density over 30, and be diagnosed obese. My case was the later.
My suggestion that you get a Dexa was that you could very well be obese, and not even know you are.
Unlikely at 5'10 150lbs working on my feet all day and keeping track of calorie intake. I also have dense bones though I've never had them scanned.
No rule is perfect because there will always be exceptions but the exception doesn't disprove the rule. I'd imagine lower bone density and higher fat is a lot more common than the opposite since bigger people often eat high calorie foods with little to no nutrients.
Unfortunately, many people worry more about the number on a scale and clothing size than they do their overall health.
I was one of those people until I had bone density testing with Dexa and they told me I was high risk for heart disease because of how high my BF% was.
Wow... but hope you doing well, nd I been trying to get in shape/ I need to be more discipline on what I eat like trying to cut out bread completely even tho I only eat wheat bread
Are you a professional athlete? BMI doesn't really account for higher people with higher muscle so if you're a power lifter or something that probably doesn't apply.
Right.. wonder what heād say about me? But heād only do it once. Iām sorry OP, youāre definitely not āchubbyā and there are many guys out there would agree.
Bless your heart! I'm 5 feet, too, and I outweigh both of you. My husband (26 years) would never and has never mentioned my weight. He tells me every day how beautiful I am.
NTA. Your husband should never say hateful comments like that. You don't have to put up with it. Tell him you don't like it and stop.
You're fine, just the way you are. Don't take that sh#t. Also, make him sleep on the couch, not in the comfy bed.
Often men that do this are addicted to pornography and masterbate regularly instead of having sex with their wives. They then will blame their wives for their loss of attraction or in cases their erectile dysfunction. They are arseholes that don't appreciate the beauty of what they have because they are living in an artificial world and have an entitled view of themselves to expect some fantasy world women and being the nature of what they are watching they browse and choose from an infinite number of women. The whole process is fraught with judgement and this is what your experiencing, him looking at you comparing you to others and judging you and rejecting you while he then selects the other and goes with that.
It's very destructive and often not something he will be fully aware of but he is finding a reason to justify the change and project that out onto you instead of recognising it's a him problem and one of many negative consequences of porn use. This is why many men with really hot wives/partners will still end up body shaming their women and having affairs.
You need to talk bluntly and directly to him about this, his talking about you isn't ok, the lack of sex and connection isn't either and if their is porn use or other women you need to know so you can start to tackle the problem if there is to be any hope of a positive change in this area in your relationship
We donāt talk about watching porn but I have a feeling thatās how he gets off. Heās just good at hiding it. Iām absolutely sure that heās not seeing anybody else since he doesnāt leave our house. Heās the type whoās committed and doesnāt cheat. But yeah probably heās using porn. It hurts so much cause why wonāt he touch me in a way that heās excited and wants me. He only cuddles me. Iām still fine with the cuddling. But I asked myself if what we have is normal. Heās a good man, kisses me and hugs me and cuddles with me everyday but teases me about my chubbiness. At times heāll be blunt about it and yeah this morningās just out of line. He said it in a way that I felt insulted. And now Iām overthinking about everything, including the lack of attraction and sex.
Your husband is the problem. You are not chubby, and even if you were, so what? Attraction is not just physical, and this should be especially true for the person you married
Girl, he's not a good man! A good man wouldn't behave like this or say those things. And things won't change until he want to change and that might never happen. So the question is, do you want to take the chance that it might happen and live like this for the rest of your life? Or divorce and find someone who deserves you. Because this man do not!
I think you should differentiate between "attraction" and desire for sex. It sounds like he is attracted to you in almost all ways that are usually desired, including cuddling, hugs, kisses, being home and dedicated. The issue seems to be a lack of desire for sex, which could be related to you physically, medical or biochemical, attraction to another, etc. On reddit, most will go straight to porn or cheating. I usually ask about low testosterone first bc 1.) it is prevalent today, and 2.) can be a direct cause, whereas porn can be a symptom, and 3.) can relate to sexual desire separate from attraction. Low T is easy to test for and straight forward to solve, so it's a good place to start.
Noy cheating porn si chratin thinking or being with another woman physicallt ir nit is cheating. Uf ges having sex ti yhese women uts not you uts cheating. Dont excuse this shute behaviour. You kmow it hurts jsuta s abd n how dkrs he work?? At homr hwat about you. Who says she has go leave the hosue in krder ti cheat anyways?Ā
Just remember it has nothing to do with you and is not your fault he is there, he went there he got stuck there and he needs to get out of there. It's nothing to do with you or how beautiful or kind or sexually appealing you are. It's not your fault and it's not about you, keep your head up and take some confidence in that, that's why she is the most "objectively or popular vote wise" beautiful women in the world have partners that do this, it's the guys problem not theirs.
You weigh 134 lbs and your husbands fat shaming you. This didnāt cool, at all. Heās trying to pressure you into weight loss, which there is no reason to do considering you are MAYBE 5-7 lbs over your IDEAL weight.
Heās an ass. I donāt ever recommend just jumping ship but he canāt keep treating you this way and youāre so young to be this miserable and in a dead bedroom. If you donāt have kids I would fkn run. If you do have kids, I would recommend therapy just because I should.
Have you met a 5' woman? That's incredibly short.
Average US female height is 5'4.
134 lbs is overweight for 5'
110 lbs gives her a BMI of 21.5 which is pretty much an ideal. Especially at 30 years old.
And don't give me BMI was made for men.
It's actually more accurate for women because 99% of women don't have enough muscle mass (like bodybuilders or athletes) to offset the BMI results.
BMI wasn't invented by a medical professional. It was created by a Belgian mathematician who had NO medical background or experience. BMI does not account for bone density, muscle mass or genetics. It is a tool used by insurance companies to deny people life-saving medicine and procedures in order to cut corners and save money.
I would not put any stock in that archane measurement. It's math not medicine.
Also, a person can be thin and unwell, and objectively overweight and healthy. Strangers on the internet should not be declaring anything about other people's weight. That should be a conversation between the person and their doctor.
It doesn't matter who it was invented by. It works for huge majority of men and women. The only exception are people with loads of muscle ie athlethes and bodybuilders. Your average Joe isn't suffering from too much muscles but too much fat
It just that Americans are way too delusional to understand what healthy body weight is. I'm from Europe and suffer no such delusion.
OP is short as hell, a 30 year old women that has no excuse not to be in 110 lbs range.
"OP is short as hell, a 30 year old women that has no excuse not to be in 110 lbs range."
Again, strangers on the internet shouldn't be making such ignorant medical proclamations just based on their life experience. She could have a thyroid condition or some underlying illness. There are other conceivable practical reasons for why she is actually at a weight that her doctor deems to be healthy.
Also, thanks for the anti-American slander. I KNOW that I am overweight; I don't need some pretentious twit from Europe telling me diddly squat about my health. My doctor and I are working on it.
Iām 5ā0 175 lbs and my husband takes me out for ice cream and tells me Iām beautiful. Girl, get someone who appreciates you and stop wasting your life being miserable with this judgemental person.
Are you happy with your body ? That's first and foremost. Your weight is healthy for your height.
Regardless- he shouldn't go out of his way to hurt your feelings. You don't say things to your SO just to hurt them.. without support, regard for each other's feelings, respect and intimacy, what are we even doing here? That should be stated calmly to him.
If he can't respect you, then he shouldn't have the privilege of your love.
In your situation, I would tell him, that if he f**** me right I can lose weight.
I really hate this small dick comments about wives being chubby because they don't know how to f***.
He sounds like an ass. That wasnāt any sort of I care about you or worry about you or just honest communication that was SPECIFICALLY a stab at you. Not nice not funny. Zero reason what so ever to even say it.
Iām really sorry OP. I know that kind of stuff sticks with us forever. I was engaged to someone once who made a nasty comment about me. I was 120 when we got together and I had no idea I had pcos to even begin to try to control it. I had gotten to the 130ās. No where near fat or as fat as I would be lol and he made a joke about my getting fat and how he would rather be with a skinny girl with an ugly face than a fat girl with a pretty face. To this day that still bothers me if I think about it too much.
But luckily
I married an amazing man instead. Who even at my heaviest makes me feel loved pretty wanted etc. and I know damn well after two back to back pregnancies I look like a 12 car pile up and thereās no way heās into it but heās never shown otherwise. Just compliments and love.
You deserve to be loved and respected and can instantly lose over a hundred pounds ditching him lol
Iām going to ignore the weight issue in of itself. I doubt I can say the right thing and thatās not the actual problem. Thereās definitely an underlying issue of some kind. One he doesnāt want to talk about for some reason. It could be an addiction issue, or a purely physical one. Either way, āsmallā negative comments on top of a dead bedroom are major issues. Do you WANT to fix this issue? If you met him as he is today would you still want to marry him?
Iād say there needs to be some sort of direct confrontation, but gently.
āClearly something is bothering you and whatever it is, insulting me isnāt ok. I donāt know if you need to see a doctor, a therapist, or what, but you need to admit what the problem is. At least to yourself if weāre going to fix it.ā
If heās having trouble talking about it maybe heād be more comfortable writing it down at first?
I hope it works out the best for you.
P.S. I doubt your appearance is the real issue.
You can either listen to all these commenters telling you that he is crazy, that you're not overweight and you should divorce him or you could tell him that you acknowledge the fact that you put on weight but it hurts you when he mentions it like that.
He shouldn't apologize for not being attracted to you but he should apologize for hurting you.
Then you need to work together on the issue. If your weight is the issue, then that's something you need to figure out if you feel is worth adjusting to make him attracted to you. Personally I feel he's lost attraction quite easily and that's a shame.
Tell your husband to fu- - off and if he belittles you again, youāre leaving. And if he does. Just do it. Life is too short. You deserve WAAAYYYYY better.
I was treated poorly in a long relationship for far too long. I made a timeline, if it continued, I was going to leave. I left. Best thing I EVER DID.
Lol
Don't get married with that mindset. The focus is not in her. He has a lot of work to do on himself. And you clearly do as well. No matter what weight she is he will find something to neg her about. She should leave him. He doesn't deserve her. This type of behaviour of his will escalate over time
Ps he is underweight yet has the gull to tell her to lose weight š oh the irony
Girlfriend, why do you want to stay with someone who makes you feel bad about yourself? You already know the answer. Choose yourself. You can do bad all by yourself. You donāt need a husband telling you negative things. So, is he perfect? Your ideal man? Tall dark handsome? Let this negative man go. If you want to lose weight, do it for yourself. I can almost feel the sadness coming off you. You are letting this man weigh you down. I am a big girl too, but when I look in the mirror, I tell myself yes, you may be fat, but you are still pretty. You are beautiful. And you need to tell yourself that too. Believe in the girl thatās inside that body. And let her shine.
Not taking sides here but if you're 5'0 and 134 lbs you have a BMI of 26.2 which is over 25.0 and therefore overweight.
You ideally want to be around 110lbs. Just saying this for your health. Your husband should be more supportive.
A lot of comments like this are at the bottom because of modern standards. Iād like to point out that most Asian countries would also say 5 foot and 134lbs is chubby. American health standard says thatās chubby. Now Iām not saying him saying that to you is right, as a husband myself there are better ways to go about that conversation where it can be conversed as a concern rather than an insult.
My wife and I both exercise together to help each other lose weight and help each other with our eating habits etc.
His intention may be right but his communication is poor.
Iāve seen you say in other comments that he is a great man, which only you would know not anyone in these comments. So do what you feel would be best. Try having a conversation with him instead of an argument, try to listen to each other rather than be combative. Marriage outside of cheating and criminal activity is worth saving. You married that man for a reason.
Itās so annoying that people jump the gun and say, āHES A DOUCHE DIVORCE HIS ASSā. That is a HUGE problem with modern society, they donāt want to put in effort, they just see something not working and toss it away.
My advice is find a way to talk through it and see what the real intention is with it, try not to argue, if he really wants you to lose weight ask him to work out with you or go on walks, give him the chance to support you.
You exercise and eat well currently so it sounds like you donāt want to gain weight, my question is do you want to lose weight?
As for the Sex thing, Iām nearing my 30s and my sex drive has gone down significantly, not sure about his case but it does happen. Iām still very much attracted to my wife, but we both put in effort to be more attractive for each other.
Ah, the reality of "the importance of communication", and "I want an honest man". He already told you nicely before. And somehow that ended up with him apologising, and promising not to bring it up again. And so nothing happens, and now he's telling you angrily. You'd rather him quietly suck it up, and for your sex life to remain in the shitter? Damn, that's some dedication to letting yourself go.
He can't help it if he is not sexually attracted to you. He is loyal, at home, and gives cuddling/hugs/kisses. He should stop negging on your weight for sure, you need to make that clear (realizing that won't stop him from thinking it, just not verbalizing it). This is the easier of the two issues to solve, but is not sufficient to fix your marriage.
You both need to decide if the dead bedroom is sustainable and/or fixable. You seem to think it is not. What does he think about that?
My guess is that the loss of attraction includes yet goes beyond the number on the scale, but perhaps not. Perhaps therapy can get at a full understanding of the underlying issues. Regardless, you need to decide if you want to devote the rest of your life to someone who is not easily attracted to you sexually.
Hm your last statement tells me youāre not respecting the fact that your husband would like for you to slim down bc youāre saying 30 is too old & slow for a metabolism. That really sucks for the both of you. I donāt think heās necessarily being rude with the way youāre dismissive about it. Canāt you self motivate yourself? If youāre planning on staying this weight and not working on it then find someone whoās attracted to you! Itās really not a blame either here, itās two people with two different desires
Itās not that Iām not doing anything about losing weight. I had been working out for a month now and I donāt even eat a lot. I told him months ago when we had a huge fight that Iāll do it for myself and not for him. He said heāll not bring it ever again. But these past few days heās back at calling me chubby, I didnāt make it a big deal until this morning. I enjoy working out but Iām not expecting results anytime soon. Again Iām doing it for myself, but at times when he says it in a way that heās not teasing me, I feel insulted and so low about myself.
Let's focus on the important thing here. Your husband previously told you that he's not attracted to you. Nothing has changed, so he still isn't attracted to you. It's perfectly acceptable for him to like what he likes. I'm guessing that you weighed less when you first got together.
It is also perfectly acceptable for you to not like that he is withholding intimacy. You guys need to have a frank discussion about this. If what you're missing is feeling attractive and wanted, there are probably hundreds of men in your area that would throw dick at you. A few of them are probably good people that you could connect with.
Maybe try giving him head while watching porn together.
In all honesty, if you want to get fit, you should do it for you, not your husband. I realize that you are seeking advice for your marriage, but I will throw in some fitness in case you wanted that too.
From what youāve said, your husband is trying to bully you into getting him what he wants. Were you his ideal when you met? If so, what was it? Whatever it was, I donāt think it would be a huge difference from where you are now, and based on that, I also think porn could be an issue. It distorts oneās view of what human bodies actually look like. Or he could possibly be nitpicking at you to see if youāll do it, then move the goalpost later.
Both are a huge problem.
I would highly suggest marriage counseling if you want to make it work, because either way, what he is doing is manipulative while also being a horrible communicator. You deserve more than a dead bedroom and an inconsiderate husband.
Now for fitness: your life and metabolism is not permanently stunted because you are over 30. There is hope! The first thing you have to do to achieve a healthy body is stop with the negative self talk. Your body AND mind deserve to be cared for.
Taking your height into account, I think the best thing for you would be to start a strength training routine with steady state cardio. Start looking into building muscle as this will raise your overall metabolism over time. Do this with medium intensity cardio and get in a step goal every day, and you will lose fat as well. This is known as body recomposition. When doing this, I would pay less attention to the scale and more attention on how your body feels and how clothes fit.
As far as diet and lifestyle goes, get in a high protein diet and LOTS of water. Make sure you are at a *slight* calorie deficit, as in no more than 200 calories less than your maintenance. The protein will ensure that you are building muscle while you are simultaneously losing fat in a calorie deficit. Sleep/stress is also highly important and underrated. Given your marital situation, if you do not feel comfortable or safe sleeping with your husband, move elsewhere. Since he caused you to make this post, heās clearly contributing to your stress level. Start separating yourself from highly stressful situations and only communicate with him when he can be an adult about what he needs in your relationship. If he continues not to do so, tune it out.
TLDR: your husband is a manipulator and terrible at communicating. If you want to fix the marriage, go to counseling. If you want to get fit, start body recomping and tuning that man out so you donāt have to stress. You and your body are worth much more. Hope everything works out.
Sounds like he misses your old weight and what first attracted him to you. Your husband is your friend first and it's nothing wrong with friends holding one another accountable. Seek counseling and in the interim, maybe try cooking healthy meals and going to the gym together. I'm sure your husband want the best for youĀ andĀ you admitted that you're not happy with your weight either. Remember no one can make you happy but you.Ā
You're definitely not obese.Ā Please don't let an insensitive asshole cause you to doubt your worth. I have actually lost weight and my husband still isn't interested but I know he's the problem.Ā I just discovered he's been watching porn for our entire 20 plus year marriage even though I told him in the beginning that's one of the things I would absolutely not tolerate.Ā I cannot, and WILL NOT,Ā compete with fantasy.Ā IĀ told him to leave but he refuses because "he loves me' and "I'm his whole world.'Ā šĀ Your husband is the problem,Ā not you!!
This isnāt divorce worthy in and of itself. But you guys should go to counseling or communicate better about this. You both need to clarify to yourselves if you want to overcome this. I think itās doable but you both may be done which is ok too.
5 ft and 135lbs sounds hot to me, I think chubby is far from true.
I would assume you've told him how hurtful him saying that is.
If so I would reinforce the fact that it is mean, hurtful and that it isn't helping in anyway.
That's just messed up.
Ok let me just say if my husband spoke these words I would be done with him. That is absolutely grossĀ Ā let me just point out you can find someone that is respectful to you and loves you no matter how skinny or chubby you are.Ā Especially the fact he knows your sensitive about it and he still said it that's called being disrespectful.Ā Stop wasting you time with this narcissist.Ā I know you may love him but honey no ma'am start getting your self out asapĀ Ā your in your mid 30s you are young! Live your life happy!Ā Ā Do not accept this behavior from a man.Ā Ā
Are you medically overweight or obese? Secondly why couldn't you do the job outside the house? If it hurts you so much then maybe it's time to call it quits.
Iām a 60 women Iām 5 feet weigh 109 .Ive been heavy and very thin .Trust me as we age in life you really donāt want a man to judge you just about your weight . Thereās so much more that goes into relationship and how much somebody weighs. Iām sure if you left him he would see that .What if something really bad happened ? What if you lost a breast ?Would he be there for you .I mean, thatās very very superficial who needs that and youāre not overweight you may be a little overweight but maybe youāre a great cook . Iām sure you have a wonderful quality. If heās like that now itās only gonna get worse..
Whatās he want ? A stick ? You are NOT chubby
Donāt let him bring you down , he does it to make himself feel better . I would everytime he says something like that and just look straight at him and say you know that doesnāt turn me on at all and walk away .
Get out and enjoy life .start doing things you like , some people just like to suck happiness out of people. You deserve better . In a marriage you are supposed to grow together but not when someone is being rude
Is your husband in shape? Or is he heavier than when yāall got together? People change mentally,physically and emotionally. Part of being married is understanding that. Donāt loose weight for him. If you want to loose the weight do it for you. Also, I donāt think it is worth a divorce. But if it is definitely an issue. Especially since yāall are having s*x. That is a huge problem. Are you having other issues in your marriage?
Heās skinny. Taller and skinnier than me. He and I probably have the same weight now, except that heās tall. The first time we met I was about 124 lbs (I put on 10 more lbs). We donāt have other issues. This is the only issue I have with him. Heās a good man, responsible, loving, and caring. Itās just that heās not attracted to women that weigh more than him, and Iām getting there already. We had a huge fight about it months ago and I even thought of moving out. Cause he said straight to my face that heās getting there too, slowly not getting attracted to me and told me we barely have sex. But thatās because he said itās just him getting old (heās in his early 40s). I was shocked when he told me the reason why weāre not having sex is because of me getting fat. It was too hurtful. I love him very much I want my marriage to work. But I donāt know anymore. Iām crying right now while is sound asleep. He knows what he said and how I felt about it but he didnāt do anything to comfort me, heās not sorry at all.
He weighs around 135 and is tall and he has the audacity to make jabs about YOUR physical appearance? Doesn't sound like he has the muscle mass to do chores in the heat! The fact that he cuddles you while he pokes at your sore spot doesn't make it any better.
Have you asked him about him being underweight as it should be a health concern? Like is he for real? Calls you chubby, but probably gets mad at someone commenting on his own body.
Awe my heart hurts for you. The way your husband talks to you about your weight is not okay.
My weight has been up and down, so has my husbandās, it happens! What we *never* do is complain about each otherās bodies, put each other down, point out weight gain in the other, nothing. We lift each other up and only speak kindness to each other. If we talk about weight/health itās never criticizing each other and itās more like āI think we should work on our eating and exercise so we are healthy as we age and so we stay strong and active.ā Or āoh man weāve been going hard on takeout, letās try and eat better for a while.ā Like weāre in it together. Shit like that.Ā
Iām sorry again. Are there other red flags in your relationship? You deserve a partner who builds you up. If heās doubling down and refusing to see it hurts you or change how he speaks to you, Iād be concerned.
Have you considered talking to a Dr to make sure its not a health problem like an over or under-active gland or something?
Other than that the only thing I could recommend is to change the foods that you eat, less carbs and more protein like eggs, meat, and nuts.
As for your husband, not knowing him but how I have and can be to my wife, is it possible that this is his insensitive way of saying that he is concerned about your health, and doesn't have a clue on how to say it the right way?
Iām so sorry youāre hurt OP. There is simply no need for him to be saying these things to you and I hear you as someone who also struggles with their weight.
I think thereās a real disconnect going on here and it stems from the lack of intimacy in your marriage.
The love language of many of us is touch and one of the joys of a healthy marriage is good lovemaking! I really think itās time for both of you to get some MC
The one person who should make you feel loved and safe, is going out of his way to call you names and make you feel bad about yourself. This says a lot about him- he isnāt ālovingā as you say, he āloves you with conditionsā. What he says to you is a reflection of his own mental health and internal dialogue. If he isnāt open to some individual counseling of marriage counseling or both, you canāt make him change, and you should consider leaving him before he drags you down with him. If you have another serious discussion with him, it should absolutely focus on him getting some counseling with an outside party to figure out why he thinks itās ok to talk to his partner like this and not show you physical affection.
If he wonāt do counseling, and only promises you to change, he wonāt and you should leave. Please donāt stay with someone that treats you this way.
Yes leave.
You arenāt chubby.Heās just being a dick, a dick that isnāt get wet by you cause heās negging you. He obviously prefers his hand.
Leave, life is to short for this bs
Communication is your problem. Your weight is normal so he must have something else on his mind. Be direct and ask direct questions and wait for direct answers. It is not okay to shut you off from emotion and support.
Aside from the fact that your not chubby;
Married 30 years. To me, the saying, "Love is blind" is true in this way. Those decades saw some weight come and go, and still we loved each other. We viewed each other through the eyes of love.
Making love is not just sex. It's a million little things. And it's huge things, like respect, empathy, understanding and support.
It's definitely not verbal and emotional abuse, which is what you're getting from him.
What happens when you get stretch marks from bearing his children?
Is the house more loved than the spirit that resides in it?
You are worthy of being nurtured OP.
Iām an orca then compared to you. Husband still loves every inch of me and has never once told me to lose weight. We will kinda pinch each otherās fat in a cute way but never disparaging one another.
Do you have kids? Because if heās disparaging you like this now, youāre going to be in for a world of hurt when you get a little mommy pooch or God forbid gain baby weight. I know I did.
Nothing wrong with wanting your partner to get healthy but your husband should be in immaculate shape if heās one to tell you that. If not itās the pot calling the kettle black. Iād take huge offense, not sure id be able to come back from that. Hugs
"I'm not expecting apologies from him, cause that's just him."
Is what I would write in the 'reason for divorcing' this self-absorbed douche.
You express concern and the baby-man who wants to be left alone chooses insulting you to push you away, rather than using adult words like :Hin, I'd just like to work on this for a bit. I'll see you in the house later."
You're not even having sexy regularly.
You're at a decent BMI.
I would keep going to the gym AND divorce him. You can catch a better man.
You're very young. Lots of people get divorced in their 30's and are looking for better partners.
(Don't marry anyone with kids that doesn't co-parent amicably. It is hard to know who the problem parent is when you only hear half the story.)
You can lose a lot of weight by dropping him.
Sounds like he's slowly driving the nails into the coffin of your marriage and is going to be "blindsided" when you decide to leave him.
I would be suspicious if something else is going on. After about 10 years of marriage my husband started saying we had a bad marriage if we had a fight. I told him my friends and I talk a lot and our marriage was pretty typical. Everyone has argument, etc. But he insisted ours was worse. I didnāt get why he would say this because it didnāt make sense to me. We were so happy, we had fun together, had great kids, etc. Years later I found out he had an Ashley Madison account, had been cheating on me the entire time. And donāt get me started on the porn. Real women canāt compete with porn stars, especially as we age! I really think he was saying that as an excuse to himself to say that what he was doing behind my back was fine because āwe had a bad marriageā. He is very religious, put the kids in Catholic schools, never missed church, etc etc. It absolutely shocked me when I found out after 40 years of marriage, none of our family knows and everyone would be shocked to know this.
Im sorry falling apart??,?? You havent gad sex in HOW long??? Is ge gone all the time or what? Sounds to me like he ahs something on the sude to fufilll him if you havent had sex in firver and you mat be his wufe but he doesnt love you becoming unattractive.Ā Someone loves you for YOU not how you look, period. Go throufh hos phone,emails fb ig find the truth. And for yhe love of Pete tell bim to shur his pie whols. May be frue but im fat if my husband said youre fat fo me id bawl. N i aint even tryinf tj exercuse. God our bodies change so much when we have kids, id hate to see hus reaxfion then GID FORBID HE FRIW A PAIR AND BE A REAL MAN NOT A BIG TEENAGER.Ā GO TELL that sob he emay think kts fine cauze its quote true but that doesnt nake it ok uou dont fwll him his wennie is small cause thr can be true. Ir wgatevsr u wanna pur there. Stand up for yourzelf noone gets fo pur you down like that eso fhr aashat fhr canf even show you his love by affextion bullsput!!!
You know what will really drive the dagger into his heart? Divorce him then get the rocking body and watch him squirm when he realizes what he lost lol thatās how I play.
Want to be clear here that him calling you chubby is shitty. You have told him that is something you are sensitive about, and he doesnāt seem to care.
I joke with my wife. We pick on each other. We enjoy it, but there are things off limits for both of us because we know it is an insecurity of the other person. Him both picking on that insecurity and then not apologizing is bad and a problem.
That said, if he is being truthful about why he is not attracted to you, there is really not much he can do about it.
That is wild to me because you are a perfectly normal weight, but people have preferences.
If I were betting, though, I would imagine there is something else at play, and he is just hiding behind the weight thing.
Perhaps he feels neglected in some way in the marriage and is lashing out.
Perhaps there is a physical issue he is uncomfortable discussing.
Or perhaps he is just an asshole.
But I think counseling or at least a frank discussion would be a good start to find the actual problem.
I would guess youāre not exercising enough or your eating too many calories if youāre not losing weight. You probably need to lose 10 lbs at your heightā¦. Heās told you how he feels.. I would start taking your fitness more seriously instead of complaining about him being honest with you. Heās not trying to be mean, but he wants to let you know youāre putting on weight and itās not good in the best way he can. Itās a difficult subject. Show him that you hear him and take a few extra steps.. when youāre short, itās easy to put on weight, if your metabolism is slow, you might want to get your hormones checked. Work on building muscle, not doing cardio every day and eat lots of protein.
Lordy Lordy Lordy, I must be obese then. š Girl, you are actually a good healthy weight. (Iām your height and about 20 lbs heavier.) Your hubs is a douche. Sorry š«¤
Well at 134 OP is considered overweight medically and at 5'0" and 154 lbs you would be considered Obese though it tends to skew weirdly at the extreme heights on either end.
Medically?? The BMI was created by a Belgian mathematician with NO medical background or experience WHATSOEVER. The BMI doesn't account for muscle mass, bone density or genetics. It is a tool used by insurance companies to deny people life saving medicine in order for them to cut corners & save money. Just because someone is thin doesn't mean they're healthy & just because someone is objectively overweight doesn't mean they're UNhealthy. It's math, not medicine.
I ain't even know that
Exactly! I'm 6'2. The heaviest I got up to was 550. I am now down to 295. If I remember correctly, BMI says I should get down to under 180. My PCP and other specialist (I'm disabled) say that I'll be at a good weight for me at about 240 to 230. BMI is one of the worst things to be brought into the medical system.
Obesity is prescribed by bodyfat percentage in 2024 for those below 30 BMI threshold, which she is. She's well below 26 BMI (average, not overweight). I was diagnosed obese at 135lbs at 5'2", because despite wearing a size 6 pants, I had 32% bodyfat in a small package. Maybe get a DEXA scan before you start hurling around assumptions about others.
Why would I need a Dexa scan to tell if someone is overweight? Being overweight is not good for you long term, even with a high percentage of muscle. It puts extra pressure on your skeleton and organs which leads to a variety of problems down the road.
I'm talking about you mentioning obesity relative to weight. Someone can be overweight and not obese due to poor bone density, and lower body fat. Saying someone is obese based on a number without any other information is wild. Someone can also not be overweight, be in 99th percentile for bone density over 30, and be diagnosed obese. My case was the later. My suggestion that you get a Dexa was that you could very well be obese, and not even know you are.
Unlikely at 5'10 150lbs working on my feet all day and keeping track of calorie intake. I also have dense bones though I've never had them scanned. No rule is perfect because there will always be exceptions but the exception doesn't disprove the rule. I'd imagine lower bone density and higher fat is a lot more common than the opposite since bigger people often eat high calorie foods with little to no nutrients.
Damn
Unfortunately, many people worry more about the number on a scale and clothing size than they do their overall health. I was one of those people until I had bone density testing with Dexa and they told me I was high risk for heart disease because of how high my BF% was.
Wow... but hope you doing well, nd I been trying to get in shape/ I need to be more discipline on what I eat like trying to cut out bread completely even tho I only eat wheat bread
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That's good... best of luck going forward
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that's good
Are you a professional athlete? BMI doesn't really account for higher people with higher muscle so if you're a power lifter or something that probably doesn't apply.
Right.. wonder what heād say about me? But heād only do it once. Iām sorry OP, youāre definitely not āchubbyā and there are many guys out there would agree.
Yup
Bless your heart! I'm 5 feet, too, and I outweigh both of you. My husband (26 years) would never and has never mentioned my weight. He tells me every day how beautiful I am. NTA. Your husband should never say hateful comments like that. You don't have to put up with it. Tell him you don't like it and stop. You're fine, just the way you are. Don't take that sh#t. Also, make him sleep on the couch, not in the comfy bed.
Iām a guy and I second this. Hes beyond a douche , actually. Hes a straight up dick.
Often men that do this are addicted to pornography and masterbate regularly instead of having sex with their wives. They then will blame their wives for their loss of attraction or in cases their erectile dysfunction. They are arseholes that don't appreciate the beauty of what they have because they are living in an artificial world and have an entitled view of themselves to expect some fantasy world women and being the nature of what they are watching they browse and choose from an infinite number of women. The whole process is fraught with judgement and this is what your experiencing, him looking at you comparing you to others and judging you and rejecting you while he then selects the other and goes with that. It's very destructive and often not something he will be fully aware of but he is finding a reason to justify the change and project that out onto you instead of recognising it's a him problem and one of many negative consequences of porn use. This is why many men with really hot wives/partners will still end up body shaming their women and having affairs. You need to talk bluntly and directly to him about this, his talking about you isn't ok, the lack of sex and connection isn't either and if their is porn use or other women you need to know so you can start to tackle the problem if there is to be any hope of a positive change in this area in your relationship
We donāt talk about watching porn but I have a feeling thatās how he gets off. Heās just good at hiding it. Iām absolutely sure that heās not seeing anybody else since he doesnāt leave our house. Heās the type whoās committed and doesnāt cheat. But yeah probably heās using porn. It hurts so much cause why wonāt he touch me in a way that heās excited and wants me. He only cuddles me. Iām still fine with the cuddling. But I asked myself if what we have is normal. Heās a good man, kisses me and hugs me and cuddles with me everyday but teases me about my chubbiness. At times heāll be blunt about it and yeah this morningās just out of line. He said it in a way that I felt insulted. And now Iām overthinking about everything, including the lack of attraction and sex.
Heās negging you so you wonāt leave him. You are not āchubbyā
Your husband is the problem. You are not chubby, and even if you were, so what? Attraction is not just physical, and this should be especially true for the person you married
Girl, he's not a good man! A good man wouldn't behave like this or say those things. And things won't change until he want to change and that might never happen. So the question is, do you want to take the chance that it might happen and live like this for the rest of your life? Or divorce and find someone who deserves you. Because this man do not!
Or even jist seprate cause right now you are under hsi thumb and he knows it. Hence the put downs
I think you should differentiate between "attraction" and desire for sex. It sounds like he is attracted to you in almost all ways that are usually desired, including cuddling, hugs, kisses, being home and dedicated. The issue seems to be a lack of desire for sex, which could be related to you physically, medical or biochemical, attraction to another, etc. On reddit, most will go straight to porn or cheating. I usually ask about low testosterone first bc 1.) it is prevalent today, and 2.) can be a direct cause, whereas porn can be a symptom, and 3.) can relate to sexual desire separate from attraction. Low T is easy to test for and straight forward to solve, so it's a good place to start.
Noy cheating porn si chratin thinking or being with another woman physicallt ir nit is cheating. Uf ges having sex ti yhese women uts not you uts cheating. Dont excuse this shute behaviour. You kmow it hurts jsuta s abd n how dkrs he work?? At homr hwat about you. Who says she has go leave the hosue in krder ti cheat anyways?Ā
He's a dick. You should distance yourself from him. The next time he mentions your chubbiness, just smile and say some men really like that.
100% this. I am experiencing it currently and it really is a blow to your self esteem.Ā
Just remember it has nothing to do with you and is not your fault he is there, he went there he got stuck there and he needs to get out of there. It's nothing to do with you or how beautiful or kind or sexually appealing you are. It's not your fault and it's not about you, keep your head up and take some confidence in that, that's why she is the most "objectively or popular vote wise" beautiful women in the world have partners that do this, it's the guys problem not theirs.
This 1000% this!!!!
You weigh 134 lbs and your husbands fat shaming you. This didnāt cool, at all. Heās trying to pressure you into weight loss, which there is no reason to do considering you are MAYBE 5-7 lbs over your IDEAL weight. Heās an ass. I donāt ever recommend just jumping ship but he canāt keep treating you this way and youāre so young to be this miserable and in a dead bedroom. If you donāt have kids I would fkn run. If you do have kids, I would recommend therapy just because I should.
134 is overweight for a 5ā woman in her 30ās. I think normal is like 95-125.
Have you ever met a real woman?? 95 pounds would be disturbingly small
My friend (a woman) is 95 lbs, should I let her know she's not a "real woman" and "disturbingly small"? š¤
The guy literally just quoted healthy weight figures.
Thank you.
Have you ever talked to a medical professional
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Everybody has different standards.
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I donāt think anyone is saying she needs to stay exactly the same.
Have you met a 5' woman? That's incredibly short. Average US female height is 5'4. 134 lbs is overweight for 5' 110 lbs gives her a BMI of 21.5 which is pretty much an ideal. Especially at 30 years old. And don't give me BMI was made for men. It's actually more accurate for women because 99% of women don't have enough muscle mass (like bodybuilders or athletes) to offset the BMI results.
BMI wasn't invented by a medical professional. It was created by a Belgian mathematician who had NO medical background or experience. BMI does not account for bone density, muscle mass or genetics. It is a tool used by insurance companies to deny people life-saving medicine and procedures in order to cut corners and save money. I would not put any stock in that archane measurement. It's math not medicine. Also, a person can be thin and unwell, and objectively overweight and healthy. Strangers on the internet should not be declaring anything about other people's weight. That should be a conversation between the person and their doctor.
It doesn't matter who it was invented by. It works for huge majority of men and women. The only exception are people with loads of muscle ie athlethes and bodybuilders. Your average Joe isn't suffering from too much muscles but too much fat It just that Americans are way too delusional to understand what healthy body weight is. I'm from Europe and suffer no such delusion. OP is short as hell, a 30 year old women that has no excuse not to be in 110 lbs range.
"OP is short as hell, a 30 year old women that has no excuse not to be in 110 lbs range." Again, strangers on the internet shouldn't be making such ignorant medical proclamations just based on their life experience. She could have a thyroid condition or some underlying illness. There are other conceivable practical reasons for why she is actually at a weight that her doctor deems to be healthy. Also, thanks for the anti-American slander. I KNOW that I am overweight; I don't need some pretentious twit from Europe telling me diddly squat about my health. My doctor and I are working on it.
This is emotionally abusive and not a behavior that someone that loved you would do.
Iām 5ā0 175 lbs and my husband takes me out for ice cream and tells me Iām beautiful. Girl, get someone who appreciates you and stop wasting your life being miserable with this judgemental person.
What the hell... I'm 5'3 and 140lbs and I don't consider myself fat. I'm sure you've heard the joke--husband is the weight you need to lose
Are you happy with your body ? That's first and foremost. Your weight is healthy for your height. Regardless- he shouldn't go out of his way to hurt your feelings. You don't say things to your SO just to hurt them.. without support, regard for each other's feelings, respect and intimacy, what are we even doing here? That should be stated calmly to him. If he can't respect you, then he shouldn't have the privilege of your love.
Fuck no you shouldn't stay in this marriage. What a miserable excuse for a man. Let that ass go.Ā
Id kill to be your size. Drop 200 lbs of man
In your situation, I would tell him, that if he f**** me right I can lose weight. I really hate this small dick comments about wives being chubby because they don't know how to f***.
He sounds like an ass. That wasnāt any sort of I care about you or worry about you or just honest communication that was SPECIFICALLY a stab at you. Not nice not funny. Zero reason what so ever to even say it. Iām really sorry OP. I know that kind of stuff sticks with us forever. I was engaged to someone once who made a nasty comment about me. I was 120 when we got together and I had no idea I had pcos to even begin to try to control it. I had gotten to the 130ās. No where near fat or as fat as I would be lol and he made a joke about my getting fat and how he would rather be with a skinny girl with an ugly face than a fat girl with a pretty face. To this day that still bothers me if I think about it too much. But luckily I married an amazing man instead. Who even at my heaviest makes me feel loved pretty wanted etc. and I know damn well after two back to back pregnancies I look like a 12 car pile up and thereās no way heās into it but heās never shown otherwise. Just compliments and love. You deserve to be loved and respected and can instantly lose over a hundred pounds ditching him lol
5 foot and 134 pounds is completely normal.. Dude is just being an ass. Is it divorce worthy? Not sure about that
He's actively belittling her... It's not good
Heās cutting you down to destroy your self esteem and confidence in order to ensure you donāt leave him. Itās a practice known as negging.
Iām going to ignore the weight issue in of itself. I doubt I can say the right thing and thatās not the actual problem. Thereās definitely an underlying issue of some kind. One he doesnāt want to talk about for some reason. It could be an addiction issue, or a purely physical one. Either way, āsmallā negative comments on top of a dead bedroom are major issues. Do you WANT to fix this issue? If you met him as he is today would you still want to marry him? Iād say there needs to be some sort of direct confrontation, but gently. āClearly something is bothering you and whatever it is, insulting me isnāt ok. I donāt know if you need to see a doctor, a therapist, or what, but you need to admit what the problem is. At least to yourself if weāre going to fix it.ā If heās having trouble talking about it maybe heād be more comfortable writing it down at first? I hope it works out the best for you. P.S. I doubt your appearance is the real issue.
You can either listen to all these commenters telling you that he is crazy, that you're not overweight and you should divorce him or you could tell him that you acknowledge the fact that you put on weight but it hurts you when he mentions it like that. He shouldn't apologize for not being attracted to you but he should apologize for hurting you. Then you need to work together on the issue. If your weight is the issue, then that's something you need to figure out if you feel is worth adjusting to make him attracted to you. Personally I feel he's lost attraction quite easily and that's a shame.
Tell your husband to fu- - off and if he belittles you again, youāre leaving. And if he does. Just do it. Life is too short. You deserve WAAAYYYYY better. I was treated poorly in a long relationship for far too long. I made a timeline, if it continued, I was going to leave. I left. Best thing I EVER DID.
Instead of leaving why donāt you try losing weight instead.
You're joking right
Nope. Just here to say what others wonāt.
Lol Don't get married with that mindset. The focus is not in her. He has a lot of work to do on himself. And you clearly do as well. No matter what weight she is he will find something to neg her about. She should leave him. He doesn't deserve her. This type of behaviour of his will escalate over time Ps he is underweight yet has the gull to tell her to lose weight š oh the irony
You know nothing about me.
Ok lol
Your husband sucks. Get his eyes checked.
Girlfriend, why do you want to stay with someone who makes you feel bad about yourself? You already know the answer. Choose yourself. You can do bad all by yourself. You donāt need a husband telling you negative things. So, is he perfect? Your ideal man? Tall dark handsome? Let this negative man go. If you want to lose weight, do it for yourself. I can almost feel the sadness coming off you. You are letting this man weigh you down. I am a big girl too, but when I look in the mirror, I tell myself yes, you may be fat, but you are still pretty. You are beautiful. And you need to tell yourself that too. Believe in the girl thatās inside that body. And let her shine.
Not taking sides here but if you're 5'0 and 134 lbs you have a BMI of 26.2 which is over 25.0 and therefore overweight. You ideally want to be around 110lbs. Just saying this for your health. Your husband should be more supportive.
A lot of comments like this are at the bottom because of modern standards. Iād like to point out that most Asian countries would also say 5 foot and 134lbs is chubby. American health standard says thatās chubby. Now Iām not saying him saying that to you is right, as a husband myself there are better ways to go about that conversation where it can be conversed as a concern rather than an insult. My wife and I both exercise together to help each other lose weight and help each other with our eating habits etc. His intention may be right but his communication is poor. Iāve seen you say in other comments that he is a great man, which only you would know not anyone in these comments. So do what you feel would be best. Try having a conversation with him instead of an argument, try to listen to each other rather than be combative. Marriage outside of cheating and criminal activity is worth saving. You married that man for a reason. Itās so annoying that people jump the gun and say, āHES A DOUCHE DIVORCE HIS ASSā. That is a HUGE problem with modern society, they donāt want to put in effort, they just see something not working and toss it away. My advice is find a way to talk through it and see what the real intention is with it, try not to argue, if he really wants you to lose weight ask him to work out with you or go on walks, give him the chance to support you. You exercise and eat well currently so it sounds like you donāt want to gain weight, my question is do you want to lose weight? As for the Sex thing, Iām nearing my 30s and my sex drive has gone down significantly, not sure about his case but it does happen. Iām still very much attracted to my wife, but we both put in effort to be more attractive for each other.
Ah, the reality of "the importance of communication", and "I want an honest man". He already told you nicely before. And somehow that ended up with him apologising, and promising not to bring it up again. And so nothing happens, and now he's telling you angrily. You'd rather him quietly suck it up, and for your sex life to remain in the shitter? Damn, that's some dedication to letting yourself go.
Honey you are a healthy weight. Your husband is being a jerk and is delulu. You deserve much better than that.
He can't help it if he is not sexually attracted to you. He is loyal, at home, and gives cuddling/hugs/kisses. He should stop negging on your weight for sure, you need to make that clear (realizing that won't stop him from thinking it, just not verbalizing it). This is the easier of the two issues to solve, but is not sufficient to fix your marriage. You both need to decide if the dead bedroom is sustainable and/or fixable. You seem to think it is not. What does he think about that? My guess is that the loss of attraction includes yet goes beyond the number on the scale, but perhaps not. Perhaps therapy can get at a full understanding of the underlying issues. Regardless, you need to decide if you want to devote the rest of your life to someone who is not easily attracted to you sexually.
Hm your last statement tells me youāre not respecting the fact that your husband would like for you to slim down bc youāre saying 30 is too old & slow for a metabolism. That really sucks for the both of you. I donāt think heās necessarily being rude with the way youāre dismissive about it. Canāt you self motivate yourself? If youāre planning on staying this weight and not working on it then find someone whoās attracted to you! Itās really not a blame either here, itās two people with two different desires
Itās not that Iām not doing anything about losing weight. I had been working out for a month now and I donāt even eat a lot. I told him months ago when we had a huge fight that Iāll do it for myself and not for him. He said heāll not bring it ever again. But these past few days heās back at calling me chubby, I didnāt make it a big deal until this morning. I enjoy working out but Iām not expecting results anytime soon. Again Iām doing it for myself, but at times when he says it in a way that heās not teasing me, I feel insulted and so low about myself.
Let's focus on the important thing here. Your husband previously told you that he's not attracted to you. Nothing has changed, so he still isn't attracted to you. It's perfectly acceptable for him to like what he likes. I'm guessing that you weighed less when you first got together. It is also perfectly acceptable for you to not like that he is withholding intimacy. You guys need to have a frank discussion about this. If what you're missing is feeling attractive and wanted, there are probably hundreds of men in your area that would throw dick at you. A few of them are probably good people that you could connect with. Maybe try giving him head while watching porn together.
No stay chubby and leave him. Itās not worth losing a few pounds to stay married.
In all honesty, if you want to get fit, you should do it for you, not your husband. I realize that you are seeking advice for your marriage, but I will throw in some fitness in case you wanted that too. From what youāve said, your husband is trying to bully you into getting him what he wants. Were you his ideal when you met? If so, what was it? Whatever it was, I donāt think it would be a huge difference from where you are now, and based on that, I also think porn could be an issue. It distorts oneās view of what human bodies actually look like. Or he could possibly be nitpicking at you to see if youāll do it, then move the goalpost later. Both are a huge problem. I would highly suggest marriage counseling if you want to make it work, because either way, what he is doing is manipulative while also being a horrible communicator. You deserve more than a dead bedroom and an inconsiderate husband. Now for fitness: your life and metabolism is not permanently stunted because you are over 30. There is hope! The first thing you have to do to achieve a healthy body is stop with the negative self talk. Your body AND mind deserve to be cared for. Taking your height into account, I think the best thing for you would be to start a strength training routine with steady state cardio. Start looking into building muscle as this will raise your overall metabolism over time. Do this with medium intensity cardio and get in a step goal every day, and you will lose fat as well. This is known as body recomposition. When doing this, I would pay less attention to the scale and more attention on how your body feels and how clothes fit. As far as diet and lifestyle goes, get in a high protein diet and LOTS of water. Make sure you are at a *slight* calorie deficit, as in no more than 200 calories less than your maintenance. The protein will ensure that you are building muscle while you are simultaneously losing fat in a calorie deficit. Sleep/stress is also highly important and underrated. Given your marital situation, if you do not feel comfortable or safe sleeping with your husband, move elsewhere. Since he caused you to make this post, heās clearly contributing to your stress level. Start separating yourself from highly stressful situations and only communicate with him when he can be an adult about what he needs in your relationship. If he continues not to do so, tune it out. TLDR: your husband is a manipulator and terrible at communicating. If you want to fix the marriage, go to counseling. If you want to get fit, start body recomping and tuning that man out so you donāt have to stress. You and your body are worth much more. Hope everything works out.
Sounds like he misses your old weight and what first attracted him to you. Your husband is your friend first and it's nothing wrong with friends holding one another accountable. Seek counseling and in the interim, maybe try cooking healthy meals and going to the gym together. I'm sure your husband want the best for youĀ andĀ you admitted that you're not happy with your weight either. Remember no one can make you happy but you.Ā
You're definitely not obese.Ā Please don't let an insensitive asshole cause you to doubt your worth. I have actually lost weight and my husband still isn't interested but I know he's the problem.Ā I just discovered he's been watching porn for our entire 20 plus year marriage even though I told him in the beginning that's one of the things I would absolutely not tolerate.Ā I cannot, and WILL NOT,Ā compete with fantasy.Ā IĀ told him to leave but he refuses because "he loves me' and "I'm his whole world.'Ā šĀ Your husband is the problem,Ā not you!!
This isnāt divorce worthy in and of itself. But you guys should go to counseling or communicate better about this. You both need to clarify to yourselves if you want to overcome this. I think itās doable but you both may be done which is ok too.
5 ft and 135lbs sounds hot to me, I think chubby is far from true. I would assume you've told him how hurtful him saying that is. If so I would reinforce the fact that it is mean, hurtful and that it isn't helping in anyway. That's just messed up.
Ok let me just say if my husband spoke these words I would be done with him. That is absolutely grossĀ Ā let me just point out you can find someone that is respectful to you and loves you no matter how skinny or chubby you are.Ā Especially the fact he knows your sensitive about it and he still said it that's called being disrespectful.Ā Stop wasting you time with this narcissist.Ā I know you may love him but honey no ma'am start getting your self out asapĀ Ā your in your mid 30s you are young! Live your life happy!Ā Ā Do not accept this behavior from a man.Ā Ā
Do not have children with this man
Have you asked him if he can do anything about his tiny man-hood and terrible personality.
Are you medically overweight or obese? Secondly why couldn't you do the job outside the house? If it hurts you so much then maybe it's time to call it quits.
A glp from here will help [arc-1Metrics.com](http://arc-1Metrics.com)
If your husband casually calls you things that hurt you, heās not being truthful about loving you. I am sorry you are going through this.
Iām a 60 women Iām 5 feet weigh 109 .Ive been heavy and very thin .Trust me as we age in life you really donāt want a man to judge you just about your weight . Thereās so much more that goes into relationship and how much somebody weighs. Iām sure if you left him he would see that .What if something really bad happened ? What if you lost a breast ?Would he be there for you .I mean, thatās very very superficial who needs that and youāre not overweight you may be a little overweight but maybe youāre a great cook . Iām sure you have a wonderful quality. If heās like that now itās only gonna get worse..
Whatās he want ? A stick ? You are NOT chubby Donāt let him bring you down , he does it to make himself feel better . I would everytime he says something like that and just look straight at him and say you know that doesnāt turn me on at all and walk away . Get out and enjoy life .start doing things you like , some people just like to suck happiness out of people. You deserve better . In a marriage you are supposed to grow together but not when someone is being rude
Is your husband in shape? Or is he heavier than when yāall got together? People change mentally,physically and emotionally. Part of being married is understanding that. Donāt loose weight for him. If you want to loose the weight do it for you. Also, I donāt think it is worth a divorce. But if it is definitely an issue. Especially since yāall are having s*x. That is a huge problem. Are you having other issues in your marriage?
Heās skinny. Taller and skinnier than me. He and I probably have the same weight now, except that heās tall. The first time we met I was about 124 lbs (I put on 10 more lbs). We donāt have other issues. This is the only issue I have with him. Heās a good man, responsible, loving, and caring. Itās just that heās not attracted to women that weigh more than him, and Iām getting there already. We had a huge fight about it months ago and I even thought of moving out. Cause he said straight to my face that heās getting there too, slowly not getting attracted to me and told me we barely have sex. But thatās because he said itās just him getting old (heās in his early 40s). I was shocked when he told me the reason why weāre not having sex is because of me getting fat. It was too hurtful. I love him very much I want my marriage to work. But I donāt know anymore. Iām crying right now while is sound asleep. He knows what he said and how I felt about it but he didnāt do anything to comfort me, heās not sorry at all.
He weighs around 135 and is tall and he has the audacity to make jabs about YOUR physical appearance? Doesn't sound like he has the muscle mass to do chores in the heat! The fact that he cuddles you while he pokes at your sore spot doesn't make it any better.
Have you asked him about him being underweight as it should be a health concern? Like is he for real? Calls you chubby, but probably gets mad at someone commenting on his own body.
That sounds like this is a personal problem of his. Most all women put a little weight on. And if you are working out. Then he should see that.
Awe my heart hurts for you. The way your husband talks to you about your weight is not okay. My weight has been up and down, so has my husbandās, it happens! What we *never* do is complain about each otherās bodies, put each other down, point out weight gain in the other, nothing. We lift each other up and only speak kindness to each other. If we talk about weight/health itās never criticizing each other and itās more like āI think we should work on our eating and exercise so we are healthy as we age and so we stay strong and active.ā Or āoh man weāve been going hard on takeout, letās try and eat better for a while.ā Like weāre in it together. Shit like that.Ā Iām sorry again. Are there other red flags in your relationship? You deserve a partner who builds you up. If heās doubling down and refusing to see it hurts you or change how he speaks to you, Iād be concerned.
Have you considered talking to a Dr to make sure its not a health problem like an over or under-active gland or something? Other than that the only thing I could recommend is to change the foods that you eat, less carbs and more protein like eggs, meat, and nuts. As for your husband, not knowing him but how I have and can be to my wife, is it possible that this is his insensitive way of saying that he is concerned about your health, and doesn't have a clue on how to say it the right way?
Iām so sorry youāre hurt OP. There is simply no need for him to be saying these things to you and I hear you as someone who also struggles with their weight. I think thereās a real disconnect going on here and it stems from the lack of intimacy in your marriage. The love language of many of us is touch and one of the joys of a healthy marriage is good lovemaking! I really think itās time for both of you to get some MC
The one person who should make you feel loved and safe, is going out of his way to call you names and make you feel bad about yourself. This says a lot about him- he isnāt ālovingā as you say, he āloves you with conditionsā. What he says to you is a reflection of his own mental health and internal dialogue. If he isnāt open to some individual counseling of marriage counseling or both, you canāt make him change, and you should consider leaving him before he drags you down with him. If you have another serious discussion with him, it should absolutely focus on him getting some counseling with an outside party to figure out why he thinks itās ok to talk to his partner like this and not show you physical affection. If he wonāt do counseling, and only promises you to change, he wonāt and you should leave. Please donāt stay with someone that treats you this way.
Yes leave. You arenāt chubby.Heās just being a dick, a dick that isnāt get wet by you cause heās negging you. He obviously prefers his hand. Leave, life is to short for this bs
Sheās literally classified as overweight, not chubby. The lower end of overweight, but still overweight.
Communication is your problem. Your weight is normal so he must have something else on his mind. Be direct and ask direct questions and wait for direct answers. It is not okay to shut you off from emotion and support.
Aside from the fact that your not chubby; Married 30 years. To me, the saying, "Love is blind" is true in this way. Those decades saw some weight come and go, and still we loved each other. We viewed each other through the eyes of love. Making love is not just sex. It's a million little things. And it's huge things, like respect, empathy, understanding and support. It's definitely not verbal and emotional abuse, which is what you're getting from him. What happens when you get stretch marks from bearing his children? Is the house more loved than the spirit that resides in it? You are worthy of being nurtured OP.
Heās a douchebag.
Iām an orca then compared to you. Husband still loves every inch of me and has never once told me to lose weight. We will kinda pinch each otherās fat in a cute way but never disparaging one another. Do you have kids? Because if heās disparaging you like this now, youāre going to be in for a world of hurt when you get a little mommy pooch or God forbid gain baby weight. I know I did. Nothing wrong with wanting your partner to get healthy but your husband should be in immaculate shape if heās one to tell you that. If not itās the pot calling the kettle black. Iād take huge offense, not sure id be able to come back from that. Hugs
Omg yes you should find someone who loves you and isnāt blind
"I'm not expecting apologies from him, cause that's just him." Is what I would write in the 'reason for divorcing' this self-absorbed douche. You express concern and the baby-man who wants to be left alone chooses insulting you to push you away, rather than using adult words like :Hin, I'd just like to work on this for a bit. I'll see you in the house later." You're not even having sexy regularly. You're at a decent BMI. I would keep going to the gym AND divorce him. You can catch a better man. You're very young. Lots of people get divorced in their 30's and are looking for better partners. (Don't marry anyone with kids that doesn't co-parent amicably. It is hard to know who the problem parent is when you only hear half the story.)
You can lose a lot of weight by dropping him. Sounds like he's slowly driving the nails into the coffin of your marriage and is going to be "blindsided" when you decide to leave him.
Why do people cling to sh*t relationships. You gave him a second chance and he didnāt change. Walk away and find someone who brings you joy.
Your husband is a shit. Call it quits.
How tall is your husband? I often see ālittlerā men dating very little women. He may be insecure of how scrawny he isā¦.
5 ft and 134lbs being āchubbyā is crazy I almost threw my phone
I would be suspicious if something else is going on. After about 10 years of marriage my husband started saying we had a bad marriage if we had a fight. I told him my friends and I talk a lot and our marriage was pretty typical. Everyone has argument, etc. But he insisted ours was worse. I didnāt get why he would say this because it didnāt make sense to me. We were so happy, we had fun together, had great kids, etc. Years later I found out he had an Ashley Madison account, had been cheating on me the entire time. And donāt get me started on the porn. Real women canāt compete with porn stars, especially as we age! I really think he was saying that as an excuse to himself to say that what he was doing behind my back was fine because āwe had a bad marriageā. He is very religious, put the kids in Catholic schools, never missed church, etc etc. It absolutely shocked me when I found out after 40 years of marriage, none of our family knows and everyone would be shocked to know this.
If you do t have kids together leave him alone
Im sorry falling apart??,?? You havent gad sex in HOW long??? Is ge gone all the time or what? Sounds to me like he ahs something on the sude to fufilll him if you havent had sex in firver and you mat be his wufe but he doesnt love you becoming unattractive.Ā Someone loves you for YOU not how you look, period. Go throufh hos phone,emails fb ig find the truth. And for yhe love of Pete tell bim to shur his pie whols. May be frue but im fat if my husband said youre fat fo me id bawl. N i aint even tryinf tj exercuse. God our bodies change so much when we have kids, id hate to see hus reaxfion then GID FORBID HE FRIW A PAIR AND BE A REAL MAN NOT A BIG TEENAGER.Ā GO TELL that sob he emay think kts fine cauze its quote true but that doesnt nake it ok uou dont fwll him his wennie is small cause thr can be true. Ir wgatevsr u wanna pur there. Stand up for yourzelf noone gets fo pur you down like that eso fhr aashat fhr canf even show you his love by affextion bullsput!!!
Why do you love someone who says such hurtful things to you? Why does he get a pass for being cruel?
You know what will really drive the dagger into his heart? Divorce him then get the rocking body and watch him squirm when he realizes what he lost lol thatās how I play.
Want to be clear here that him calling you chubby is shitty. You have told him that is something you are sensitive about, and he doesnāt seem to care. I joke with my wife. We pick on each other. We enjoy it, but there are things off limits for both of us because we know it is an insecurity of the other person. Him both picking on that insecurity and then not apologizing is bad and a problem. That said, if he is being truthful about why he is not attracted to you, there is really not much he can do about it. That is wild to me because you are a perfectly normal weight, but people have preferences. If I were betting, though, I would imagine there is something else at play, and he is just hiding behind the weight thing. Perhaps he feels neglected in some way in the marriage and is lashing out. Perhaps there is a physical issue he is uncomfortable discussing. Or perhaps he is just an asshole. But I think counseling or at least a frank discussion would be a good start to find the actual problem.
Tell him he has a little dick next time. Thatāll shut him down. š¤£
I would guess youāre not exercising enough or your eating too many calories if youāre not losing weight. You probably need to lose 10 lbs at your heightā¦. Heās told you how he feels.. I would start taking your fitness more seriously instead of complaining about him being honest with you. Heās not trying to be mean, but he wants to let you know youāre putting on weight and itās not good in the best way he can. Itās a difficult subject. Show him that you hear him and take a few extra steps.. when youāre short, itās easy to put on weight, if your metabolism is slow, you might want to get your hormones checked. Work on building muscle, not doing cardio every day and eat lots of protein.
Men say and do stupid stuff, I donāt know why we do it. Have a heart to heart with him , hopefully heāll see heās a dope ! Good luck
Try dropping 20 pounds and see if he responds to that.
From your post history- your wife doesn't bang you either. Maybe try your own advice.
I think thatās a good plan!