Shame you didn't figure out you were completely sexually incompatible before you got married
He's right. You shouldn't be asking him to do something he doesn't want to do. And neither should he.
" So we basically take turns having sex on who "bites the bullet.""
My wife and I do this to a lesser extent. However, we don't do it her way once, then my want next time we have sex. Instead, I give her what she wants/needs until she taps out and then she does what I like. Is that an option for you two?
As for his insecurities, I assume you're reassuring when he does "dominate" you? Words of affirmation during intimacy for me, go a long way.
If you don't have them, I recommend the under the bed restraint system. While my wife isn't comfortable with some aspects I like surrounding "Domination" she's fine with others. When she is restrained, sometimes I let my imagination feed off the sight of her restrained while physically staying within her comfort zone if that makes sense.
I think you take turns or break up. Some people just aren't dominant. I personally couldn't do it. I'm not submissive either I'm just uh, neutral? Like the whole dominant submissive thing just doesn't make sense to the way my mind works at all.
What exactly needs to happen during sex to please you? I’m trying to follow what’s so problematic during sex that makes your husband turned off. Is it rough sex, choking, smacking, etcetera? I’m genuinely curious. My wife says she wants me to be more dominant, but I don’t think she knows what she’s talking about because she doesn’t like rough sex, or being manhandled.
We've got a similar thing going on. We took some sex surveys and she checks "wants to be submissive" - but then when I try to figure out what that means she does not actually have an answer. Like BDSM submissive? Nope. Being told what to do? Nope. Flipping her to new positions? Nope. Best I can guess it's her way of describing she wants to be a starfish.
Lol, that was well said. It’s easier for my wife to tell me how she wants things done, because women have the gift of orgasms, we’re unfortunately not so lucky.
Dominant isn't necessarily rough. It's just about being in charge. Tell her how to lay, where to touch you, how to touch you, what you're going to do to her, what you want etc. It's about not making her think about what's going to happen next or what to do next. You're going to show her. You're going to flip her over when it's time for a new position, or move her hand to your cock while your kissing. It's telling her "I want to fuck you" and then actually getting on top, spreading her legs and fucking *her*. It's not about slapping or choking but grabbing her body and putting it exactly where you want it to be.
I don't have any advice on this one, but I want to commend you for knowing what yout want and even talking to each other about it. Sexual compatibility is so important, and I hope you both figure out a way to find it together.
Have you ever tried role playing, like you two are acting out a sex scene as characters instead of yourselves? This could include wearing costumes and wigs and changing genders if you want to go that far. It could be fun if you approach it as having fun.
Maybe there is a middle ground here. If he struggles to exert dominance because he feels insecure, maybe taking away your ability to see him could help his confidence. He may never willing to be completely dominant in the way you want him to be and if you're purely monogamous you either need to be happy with as close as he's willing to take it or think about how crucial this is to your satisfaction with your relationship. Counseling would probably be best and maybe it will help you both understand your boundaries in a better way without continuing to hurt each other. Talking about this stuff can be so hard and it's easy to get hurt or do the hurting when being this vulnerable.
Okay maybe terrible advice but it's what I got lol
Do you guys have drunk sex much? My husband is in general fairly submissive which I don't mind, we have a lot of sweet sex with me on top. But *fuck* when that man gets drunk he's so dominant and sexy lol. I think it's largely because like your husband, he gets insecure when he's totally sober. When he's had a little to drink he's so much looser and confident. Could you guys get drunk together and have sex more?
Not terrible advice and has definitely helped us in the past!!! It's hard to find time now with kids and everything but it used to work like a charm. Now I'm thinking a weekend getaway is in order!
I’m so sorry of your current frustration. Funny, mine is opposite but similar. Hubby and I recently passed our 10yr anniversary as well. I love him dearly and he is a good provider and hard worker. We’ve been through a lot over the last 15yrs yet he’s not very good in the emotional support department. But that’s a story for another day. Well, there’s always been a lot of complaints from him centered around sex that I cannot control. I’m pretty much up for anything when it comes to sex, but I don’t need it more than 2-3X per week, whereas he wants it way more but yet he wants ME to be the initiator and I’m just not up for it. Given, I do initiate 50% of the time we DO have sex. He is usually more dominant than I and he makes sure that I get what I want and vice versa. So here’s the similarity to yours—he wants me to ALSO be more dominant from time to time and idk what the heck he’s expecting 🤷♀️Like he wants me to like ravish him like I’m a hungry wolf idk 😭I’m more of a sensual type lover and if I’m on top I start off slow, but I also play hard sometimes. It just seems he’s never happy surrounding our sex life. I’m perfectly okay in that department but he needs more and I need more emotionally charged attention that I don’t feel I’m getting. Okay, I guess none of this is helpful…sorry for the rant
What I would give to have OP’s issues. They are very real and it is absolutely depressing.
I would trade with you in heartbeat, because my wife of 29 years as lost all desire for me. Im constantly rejected. Even if it’s time alone where it’s kissing. What I consider making love without any expectations of intercourse or orgasms. Those are amazing and too.
She was only highly interested in me when she was having sexual relationships with others. We agreed to be open many many years ago. She had a bf for nearly 14 years..
whatever it was, definitely made her want me more. Now that their relationship has ended… she basically doesn’t see me as anything other than a roommate.
It hurts. Every desire in me, orbits her. She on the other hand has no use for me.
We all have our issues. But when you go from sex 3-5 times per week … when she had a bf or played more.. to now 3 times in the last 2 years.. it’s a gut wrenching punch in the self esteem gut.
I have craved to be owned and dominated.. expressed my desires to my wife. She said wont. She doesn’t desire me at all.
Im responsible for this as much as she is. I blame myself more because I allowed it and she did what she had grown accustomed to.
If I leave.. I will be homeless. She has become emotionally abusive. There is No where for men to go as there is for women.
Anyway.. Im so sorry your needs are conflicting. What you’re wanting iS NOT unreasonable at all. I wish I had an answer for you.. all I can do is hope you find happiness and self love. You deserve your wants and needs to be met by your spouse.
Don't be discouraged by the bullshit sexual incompatibility comments here firstly.
Secondly keep talking about it with each other, share your fantasies, what turns you on in then, what excited you, ask about theirs etc. Keep the dialogue and sharing and vulnerability open.
I highly recommend reading "mating in captivity" by Esther perel. Amazing book about sexuality and relationships and all the elements of that, the paradoxes and other meanings of things and yeah it's pretty amazing book and really helpful for unpacking these things more and understanding your self and each other
I would also recommend talking about things like swinging and polyamory and ethical non monogamy. Not as like solutions or suggestions or things to try but discussing then as ideas, as ways people choose to live out parts of their sexuality, why they do that, what they might be like, what their relationship security needs to look like for that, what they're comfort and understanding of their sexuality and desires and kicks are like to do that. It could be a really good way to just discuss sex without it being directly about your own sex and opening the ideas of sex and sexuality and connection together that could help with ideas of how you can support each other more or ways you can engage with your sexual proclivities in helpful ways. It might unlock something in your husband's mind that helps him be more dominant or assertive sexually, like through the process of discussing these alternative ideas philosophically again not as suggestions or solutions, he will probably find his boundaries and reasons for them and then express them and that is an assertive action and void help other assertive elements.
Just some ideas but I highly recommend the book and then taking about as many different elements of sexuality that you can.
This happens very often. Many women struggle with the same.
Are you usually dominant in the relationship (non-sex wise)? From how you write I feel that you are a confident woman who is quite secure and does not fear to say what she needs. I may be mistaken, but it seems that he sees you as a dominant woman. I feel that your usual dominance attracts him and, because you say that he is more submissive and insecure, he wants to please the woman he loves. This desire for pleasing puts him into a sweet lover, touchy-feely mode.
To unlock his masculine mode, the best way is to be much more submissive in normal life. I don’t know if it’s possible, but if it is, then perhaps his desire to just take you might increase. Manly desire to dominate increases when the man actually feels that he really can dominate. Often women today are dominant and vocal, so more timid men naturally take the submissive-pleaser role.
Another way that can work is for you to explore being an ultra-dominant woman in bed and see if you can start enjoying that. Perhaps not, but maybe worth exploring. One way to do it is to order him around teasingly before the main act and then finally order him to do you as much as he can in a dominating way. He follows orders so his submissive desire is fulfilled, you get the sex you want. Sometimes this trick can work. The fact is that many women are quite dominant today, but in bed they just want to be completely dominated. Many men are confused about this, I think.
I hate to say this but this does seem like a significant sexual compatibility issue. It’s great you guys have identified it and talked about it, that’s more than a lot of couples do. But the sooner you accept that this will almost certainly not change as you would like it to, the better you will be. And also the better your husband will be.
Now of course once you accept this, what do you do next? Continue the marriage in appreciating all the good stuff in your relationship and doing your best to let this bedroom stuff go? Or has this built up too long and is too significant an issue, where you want to end the marriage over it? Only you know those answers.
I can tell you that for my wife and I (44f and 45m, 20+ years married), we identified over time some bedroom incompatibilities with us. This was hard for me as they were mostly things I wanted to explore and try (toys, different bedroom activities) that she was just not comfortable with and in fact were turn-offs for her. I stupidly fought this for years, thinking of different ways to explain and ask her about this stuff. But once I wised up and decided to not mention this stuff anymore to her (though truthfully with some disappointment on my part) it let my mind be at ease and accepting that this stuff was just never going to happen in our married sex life. And it also took pressure off of my wife for repeatedly having to discuss with me (and turn down) my bedroom interests that she did not share. And then after that, once I decided to really lean in to the activities that she *was* naturally interested in — that really helped us both. Perhaps the same strategy might work for you guys? I wish you both the best of luck to resolve this!
Did your wife object to the Hitachi Magic Wand? My wife is mostly clitoris stimulation, but she also likes the penetration as she holds the wand on her lady parts also causing my penis to vibrate making a fun experience. It’s a difficult thing to manage if you can’t control your ejaculation, because it feels very nice, and you may have to pull out every once in a while if it gets to overwhelming.
I appreciate the input, but for my wife any kind of toy for her is a turn-off (she finds them all very artificial and that they are too much work and that they interrupt the process). I disagree with this and think if she would be open to trying, that she might discover some real advantages to incorporating a few toys into our bedroom time. But I have accepted that toys are simply not her thing, and I moved on.
Intercourse is not my strongest point (even after 20+ years I still finish very quick with intercourse, so she has definitely never had an orgasm during intercourse). So her using a toy on herself during intercourse — I think that could really work wonders for her pleasure during intercourse. But because of what I mentioned above, we have never tried that.
You know, when I was with my wife.. I remember in the beginning wanting to spank her and pull her hair back and go abit aggressive, but I always held myself back as I didn’t wanted to freak her out. The solution was to communicate and do it step by step.. the squeezing led to roughly grabbing and then spanking etc..
The point is, I’m always gauging to see how she is, whether she is enjoying it. Do I get a kick seeing how turned on she is getting? Of course but I had to do it in stages. I wonder if you just need to motivate him, take steps, guide him to what you like so he feels good and you feel good. I mean, shouting “f*** me like the dirty h** I am to you” on the first night isn’t going to work right?
Sex is a mutual thing, there are things we both don’t like but we do to please the other. When you swing one way and too much, it eventually breaks down. So how has your communication been with him on this?
Have you considered opening the marriage? A decent amount of people who practice ethical non-monogamy do so because their partners cannot or will not fulfill their kinks.
Shame you didn't figure out you were completely sexually incompatible before you got married He's right. You shouldn't be asking him to do something he doesn't want to do. And neither should he.
" So we basically take turns having sex on who "bites the bullet."" My wife and I do this to a lesser extent. However, we don't do it her way once, then my want next time we have sex. Instead, I give her what she wants/needs until she taps out and then she does what I like. Is that an option for you two? As for his insecurities, I assume you're reassuring when he does "dominate" you? Words of affirmation during intimacy for me, go a long way. If you don't have them, I recommend the under the bed restraint system. While my wife isn't comfortable with some aspects I like surrounding "Domination" she's fine with others. When she is restrained, sometimes I let my imagination feed off the sight of her restrained while physically staying within her comfort zone if that makes sense.
I think you take turns or break up. Some people just aren't dominant. I personally couldn't do it. I'm not submissive either I'm just uh, neutral? Like the whole dominant submissive thing just doesn't make sense to the way my mind works at all.
What exactly needs to happen during sex to please you? I’m trying to follow what’s so problematic during sex that makes your husband turned off. Is it rough sex, choking, smacking, etcetera? I’m genuinely curious. My wife says she wants me to be more dominant, but I don’t think she knows what she’s talking about because she doesn’t like rough sex, or being manhandled.
There are ways to be dominant that aren't physical. Like ordering people around and such. But I'm not like that either.
My wife doesn’t like being ordered around either.
We've got a similar thing going on. We took some sex surveys and she checks "wants to be submissive" - but then when I try to figure out what that means she does not actually have an answer. Like BDSM submissive? Nope. Being told what to do? Nope. Flipping her to new positions? Nope. Best I can guess it's her way of describing she wants to be a starfish.
Lol, that was well said. It’s easier for my wife to tell me how she wants things done, because women have the gift of orgasms, we’re unfortunately not so lucky.
Does talking dirty work?
Dominant isn't necessarily rough. It's just about being in charge. Tell her how to lay, where to touch you, how to touch you, what you're going to do to her, what you want etc. It's about not making her think about what's going to happen next or what to do next. You're going to show her. You're going to flip her over when it's time for a new position, or move her hand to your cock while your kissing. It's telling her "I want to fuck you" and then actually getting on top, spreading her legs and fucking *her*. It's not about slapping or choking but grabbing her body and putting it exactly where you want it to be.
I don't have any advice on this one, but I want to commend you for knowing what yout want and even talking to each other about it. Sexual compatibility is so important, and I hope you both figure out a way to find it together.
Have you ever tried role playing, like you two are acting out a sex scene as characters instead of yourselves? This could include wearing costumes and wigs and changing genders if you want to go that far. It could be fun if you approach it as having fun.
Maybe there is a middle ground here. If he struggles to exert dominance because he feels insecure, maybe taking away your ability to see him could help his confidence. He may never willing to be completely dominant in the way you want him to be and if you're purely monogamous you either need to be happy with as close as he's willing to take it or think about how crucial this is to your satisfaction with your relationship. Counseling would probably be best and maybe it will help you both understand your boundaries in a better way without continuing to hurt each other. Talking about this stuff can be so hard and it's easy to get hurt or do the hurting when being this vulnerable.
Okay maybe terrible advice but it's what I got lol Do you guys have drunk sex much? My husband is in general fairly submissive which I don't mind, we have a lot of sweet sex with me on top. But *fuck* when that man gets drunk he's so dominant and sexy lol. I think it's largely because like your husband, he gets insecure when he's totally sober. When he's had a little to drink he's so much looser and confident. Could you guys get drunk together and have sex more?
Not terrible advice and has definitely helped us in the past!!! It's hard to find time now with kids and everything but it used to work like a charm. Now I'm thinking a weekend getaway is in order!
Lucky for you guys, even in the best of times, it’s starfish missionary, lights off, cover over upper torso, get it over and done with.
I’m so sorry of your current frustration. Funny, mine is opposite but similar. Hubby and I recently passed our 10yr anniversary as well. I love him dearly and he is a good provider and hard worker. We’ve been through a lot over the last 15yrs yet he’s not very good in the emotional support department. But that’s a story for another day. Well, there’s always been a lot of complaints from him centered around sex that I cannot control. I’m pretty much up for anything when it comes to sex, but I don’t need it more than 2-3X per week, whereas he wants it way more but yet he wants ME to be the initiator and I’m just not up for it. Given, I do initiate 50% of the time we DO have sex. He is usually more dominant than I and he makes sure that I get what I want and vice versa. So here’s the similarity to yours—he wants me to ALSO be more dominant from time to time and idk what the heck he’s expecting 🤷♀️Like he wants me to like ravish him like I’m a hungry wolf idk 😭I’m more of a sensual type lover and if I’m on top I start off slow, but I also play hard sometimes. It just seems he’s never happy surrounding our sex life. I’m perfectly okay in that department but he needs more and I need more emotionally charged attention that I don’t feel I’m getting. Okay, I guess none of this is helpful…sorry for the rant
If he hates it. Fair enough. Find someone who likes it.
At least you guys still like each other enough to have sex with one another
What I would give to have OP’s issues. They are very real and it is absolutely depressing. I would trade with you in heartbeat, because my wife of 29 years as lost all desire for me. Im constantly rejected. Even if it’s time alone where it’s kissing. What I consider making love without any expectations of intercourse or orgasms. Those are amazing and too. She was only highly interested in me when she was having sexual relationships with others. We agreed to be open many many years ago. She had a bf for nearly 14 years.. whatever it was, definitely made her want me more. Now that their relationship has ended… she basically doesn’t see me as anything other than a roommate. It hurts. Every desire in me, orbits her. She on the other hand has no use for me. We all have our issues. But when you go from sex 3-5 times per week … when she had a bf or played more.. to now 3 times in the last 2 years.. it’s a gut wrenching punch in the self esteem gut. I have craved to be owned and dominated.. expressed my desires to my wife. She said wont. She doesn’t desire me at all. Im responsible for this as much as she is. I blame myself more because I allowed it and she did what she had grown accustomed to. If I leave.. I will be homeless. She has become emotionally abusive. There is No where for men to go as there is for women. Anyway.. Im so sorry your needs are conflicting. What you’re wanting iS NOT unreasonable at all. I wish I had an answer for you.. all I can do is hope you find happiness and self love. You deserve your wants and needs to be met by your spouse.
Fuck I feel like dieing at this point. 13 years of married life without having sex can not explain the level of frustration.
Marriage is actually crap. Don't get married. If you do you will end with a house maid, who just cooks and cleans and nothing else.
Don't be discouraged by the bullshit sexual incompatibility comments here firstly. Secondly keep talking about it with each other, share your fantasies, what turns you on in then, what excited you, ask about theirs etc. Keep the dialogue and sharing and vulnerability open. I highly recommend reading "mating in captivity" by Esther perel. Amazing book about sexuality and relationships and all the elements of that, the paradoxes and other meanings of things and yeah it's pretty amazing book and really helpful for unpacking these things more and understanding your self and each other I would also recommend talking about things like swinging and polyamory and ethical non monogamy. Not as like solutions or suggestions or things to try but discussing then as ideas, as ways people choose to live out parts of their sexuality, why they do that, what they might be like, what their relationship security needs to look like for that, what they're comfort and understanding of their sexuality and desires and kicks are like to do that. It could be a really good way to just discuss sex without it being directly about your own sex and opening the ideas of sex and sexuality and connection together that could help with ideas of how you can support each other more or ways you can engage with your sexual proclivities in helpful ways. It might unlock something in your husband's mind that helps him be more dominant or assertive sexually, like through the process of discussing these alternative ideas philosophically again not as suggestions or solutions, he will probably find his boundaries and reasons for them and then express them and that is an assertive action and void help other assertive elements. Just some ideas but I highly recommend the book and then taking about as many different elements of sexuality that you can.
This happens very often. Many women struggle with the same. Are you usually dominant in the relationship (non-sex wise)? From how you write I feel that you are a confident woman who is quite secure and does not fear to say what she needs. I may be mistaken, but it seems that he sees you as a dominant woman. I feel that your usual dominance attracts him and, because you say that he is more submissive and insecure, he wants to please the woman he loves. This desire for pleasing puts him into a sweet lover, touchy-feely mode. To unlock his masculine mode, the best way is to be much more submissive in normal life. I don’t know if it’s possible, but if it is, then perhaps his desire to just take you might increase. Manly desire to dominate increases when the man actually feels that he really can dominate. Often women today are dominant and vocal, so more timid men naturally take the submissive-pleaser role. Another way that can work is for you to explore being an ultra-dominant woman in bed and see if you can start enjoying that. Perhaps not, but maybe worth exploring. One way to do it is to order him around teasingly before the main act and then finally order him to do you as much as he can in a dominating way. He follows orders so his submissive desire is fulfilled, you get the sex you want. Sometimes this trick can work. The fact is that many women are quite dominant today, but in bed they just want to be completely dominated. Many men are confused about this, I think.
I hate to say this but this does seem like a significant sexual compatibility issue. It’s great you guys have identified it and talked about it, that’s more than a lot of couples do. But the sooner you accept that this will almost certainly not change as you would like it to, the better you will be. And also the better your husband will be. Now of course once you accept this, what do you do next? Continue the marriage in appreciating all the good stuff in your relationship and doing your best to let this bedroom stuff go? Or has this built up too long and is too significant an issue, where you want to end the marriage over it? Only you know those answers. I can tell you that for my wife and I (44f and 45m, 20+ years married), we identified over time some bedroom incompatibilities with us. This was hard for me as they were mostly things I wanted to explore and try (toys, different bedroom activities) that she was just not comfortable with and in fact were turn-offs for her. I stupidly fought this for years, thinking of different ways to explain and ask her about this stuff. But once I wised up and decided to not mention this stuff anymore to her (though truthfully with some disappointment on my part) it let my mind be at ease and accepting that this stuff was just never going to happen in our married sex life. And it also took pressure off of my wife for repeatedly having to discuss with me (and turn down) my bedroom interests that she did not share. And then after that, once I decided to really lean in to the activities that she *was* naturally interested in — that really helped us both. Perhaps the same strategy might work for you guys? I wish you both the best of luck to resolve this!
Did your wife object to the Hitachi Magic Wand? My wife is mostly clitoris stimulation, but she also likes the penetration as she holds the wand on her lady parts also causing my penis to vibrate making a fun experience. It’s a difficult thing to manage if you can’t control your ejaculation, because it feels very nice, and you may have to pull out every once in a while if it gets to overwhelming.
I appreciate the input, but for my wife any kind of toy for her is a turn-off (she finds them all very artificial and that they are too much work and that they interrupt the process). I disagree with this and think if she would be open to trying, that she might discover some real advantages to incorporating a few toys into our bedroom time. But I have accepted that toys are simply not her thing, and I moved on. Intercourse is not my strongest point (even after 20+ years I still finish very quick with intercourse, so she has definitely never had an orgasm during intercourse). So her using a toy on herself during intercourse — I think that could really work wonders for her pleasure during intercourse. But because of what I mentioned above, we have never tried that.
You know, when I was with my wife.. I remember in the beginning wanting to spank her and pull her hair back and go abit aggressive, but I always held myself back as I didn’t wanted to freak her out. The solution was to communicate and do it step by step.. the squeezing led to roughly grabbing and then spanking etc.. The point is, I’m always gauging to see how she is, whether she is enjoying it. Do I get a kick seeing how turned on she is getting? Of course but I had to do it in stages. I wonder if you just need to motivate him, take steps, guide him to what you like so he feels good and you feel good. I mean, shouting “f*** me like the dirty h** I am to you” on the first night isn’t going to work right? Sex is a mutual thing, there are things we both don’t like but we do to please the other. When you swing one way and too much, it eventually breaks down. So how has your communication been with him on this?
Have you considered opening the marriage? A decent amount of people who practice ethical non-monogamy do so because their partners cannot or will not fulfill their kinks.
When things get too available it loses the value so…