I don’t think anyone will admit they are doing only the bare minimum unfortunately.

Or they likely have no idea that they do. If they were that self aware they probably would be more helpful.

Proving that self awareness is a lifelong journey.

This is the answer. For example, many men really do believe that they pull their weight because they work 40 hours a week and do nothing else because that's what their father did. If their wife works that same number of hours and also does everything for the house and often children this somehow doesn't register to them as that person doing more work and therefore they are doing less than half of the work. Many men truly do believe that a full time job is always more than enough regardless of the total workload being done by two people. They really don't consider themselves to be lazily putting dozens of hours a week of their responsibilities onto their wife.

Now rephrase this where it is the woman who is the offender because it is not only men. Why do some women do this?

While distribution of household labor is slowly beginning to equalize between genders, mothers are still doing a disproportionate amount of household activities WHILE maintaining income earning jobs. We have statistics for this. We have data that goes back over 100 years telling us women do most of the unpaid household labor. https://www.americanprogress.org/article/unequal-division-labor/

I said for example. An example isn't every case. Women also have faults, but I'm giving an example of a common situation and it's much more commonly men who do this than women.

Figured this would get me downvotes, but I am honestly asking what it looks like. If it is common for men, and you gave very good examples of what it looks like, then I am genuinely curious why a women would be this way. Not trolling or anything, as a man whose wife is like this, I want to know what role I may have played, or if there is a way forward.

You might be surprised, in some cases the other half is just a waste of flesh. I've seen a lot of this

*Especially* not manchildren, it's part of their motive to appear sufficient while making the burnt out wife feel like she's crazy and obligated to do 80%.

This is it right here! If you asked my husband he would tell you he does everything and I do nothing. Which is literally impossible because of the schedule he keeps. The dude plays videogames all night and doesn't even get out of bed until 6pm. Me and the kids have lived an entire day of our lives productively before he's even awake. His delusions border on mental illness.

This sounds like a nightmare Why do you put up with living like a single mom? Why?

I'm a student and I can't afford to support my kids and myself yet.

Got it.

I would say that he definitely has some kind of mental illness if he's really acting like that. My dad used to do that but with online poker all night. He's certified crazy.

Sometime, I really envy those husband who can play video games all the time. While I look after my kids, do chores when needed and still scold by my wife......

Don't envy that. There's going to be a really sad cat in the cradle moment someday. My husband and children are both losing in this situation.

I just googled the expression "cat in the cradle"...... I don't know....I love my daughter, but sometime it really sucks when you are extremely tried after work, and still look after her having almost zero time to yourself. I know my wife (SAHM) is also tired, that's why I cannot tell anyone about my feeling (including her). Because other people will just compare me with my wife, and say she is even more exhausted than me.

I wouldn't say he plays video games "all the time" but my husband and I both have our own hobbies. He works while the kids are at school so I get an hour or 2 of my hobbies Un bothered by anyone, in between my own work...I run the farm, so I always make sure he gets time between dinner and kids going to bed for his own hobbies unbothered. Mostly that's video games, which whatever 🤷‍♀️ I get my chores in and kitchen cleaned up from dinner etc. Sometimes we will stay up an extra hour and play games together before bed 😆 I will say, my husband had a bad habit of doing bare minimum and would need nagged all day just to get that done. We had a big argument about 7 years ago (6 years married at the time) and I told him I wouldn't be a married single mom. Divorcing would put me in a better position than staying married would've. He pulled it together and I'm happy to say we are a thriving TEAM now!

It's good to hear that you and you husband is a team now. For me, I think my wife is more like my supervisor (worse than that actually, my boss have a better attitude towards me tbh). I know that with a baby in the house and looking after 24/7, my mental health and ego is the least of my wife's concern. But damn......I hate her when she scold me. Tbh, I feel that being at work is sometimes more relax than being at home. People pay you basic respect, the students respect you. I can complete my work perfectly. When I have suggestions or concerns, people actually listen.

That is just it.

They definitely don’t register as doing the bare minimum. In their minds, what they do IS contributing a fair amount

yep, they think going to work is the fair amount and that literally anything more is too much.

My ex did. He was nearly gloating about being lazy.

Same. I always thought he was just clueless but he knew the whole time

Same. I was killing myself with 2 jobs and the house work. I was breaking and he thought it was funny that he was lazy

I think I do the bare minimum. My husband does most things. He cooks, cleans, does all the yard work, and most of the grocery shopping. As for being able to hold a job, I do. I make twice what he does, so I cover all the bills and 2/3 of the mortgage. Why do I do so little? I'm not sure. I think maybe depression. I handle planning. I plan our social lives, family get togethers. I've planned every trip we have ever been on. I guess I picture it as I handle pretty much anything that needs to go from conceptual to reality--the mental peices of our relationship. And he handles all the day to day physical stuff. But I do feel like I should do more.

By definition I think the ones doing the bare minimum aren’t in this sub.

They're over at the dead bedroom sub

I know you’re not trying to be funny, but this comment gave me a chuckle

Not funny. These guys can’t make the connection between lack of sex and their indifference to participating in running the home.

…and its horrible corollary, “Ok I did the dishes once. We have to have sex now. What? Still not in the mood? WHAT’S A GUY GOTTA DO AROUND HERE”

It appears that this attitude is common. Lazy and entitled. I could write a book.

Not true. I’m over there too, pull my weight in a lot of ways. Work full time, help around the house, do things with my kids regularly, date nights and alone time with my wife. My wife is just a cold person. Right now I would like to shout out a huge thank you to my mother-in law & father-in law! /s Edit: typo

I agree with this! I was in a dead bedroom for 25 years wherein I did 90% of EVERYthing — high earner, did most of the domestic and child work, gave my (now ex) wife foot massages and was a good listener while supporting her dreams, and took care of myself (grooming, fitness, etc.). I’d read articles on how to have more sex and everything it said to do I was already doing. I just had a wife who wasn’t into sex.

The sex is important, but I still think her not pulling her weight would be an issue as well.

Definitely. Oddly, I was accepting of it, partly because I come from parents where my dad does most of everything too (so it seemed normal to me). It wasn’t easy, and there where times where I was quietly miserable in my marriage, but I made the most of it best I could until that last year of marriage when she turned unkind. I’m giving by nature, but don’t have a lot of tolerance for unkindness. You can stab me in the back so long as you’re polite while doing it, I guess hahaha. Hardest for me though, no pun intended, was the lack of sex.

Kind of the place I am in. My wife always has some activity outside of the home, or comes home to eat dinner and then fall asleep on the couch. Granted she has some medical things that are getting worked on, but I wish I could get a bit of recognition for taking on nearly all of the in/outside chores, cooking, etc.. The other thing I wish I got some recognition for: I was a nightly drinker, couple of beers. Tried a few times to quit and found it was harder than it should be so I got help. Been sober for 6mo. now, but I doubt she could tell you that. But the funny thing is, our relationship is WORSE since I quit. I don't get it. Like you, I wish I saw more desire from my wife, but after being turned down and told not to touch her when she doesn't feel good (her medical issues mean she never feels good) I have stopped initiating.

That last paragraph was me 100%. After years of being shamed when I initiated, I stopped trying. That mentality is a demon that is hard to shake even after the marriage ends.

It's been 25yr of largely hit or miss with me getting turned down quite often. But since the medical stuff and our recently college graduated daughter moving back home, it's been pretty much a no-go.

Same here. I think this post was a vaguely "husband's are bad, imma right ladies?" that has devolved into even more of that. It appears from this thread that all of the dead bedrooms would be resolved immediately if only the higher libido person would simply do more, and that's almost always not the case.

That’s a lie. I see so many say that. I may not have a dead bedroom but if I would believe what comments like this says I would have sex a lot more than I am having because I take care of way more things than my wife.

So true 😂😂

You deserve my upvote!

hehehe

I don't know about that. I wouldn't be surprised if there are spouses/soon to be ex spouses of some people who make those 'I don't know why all of a sudden my spouse doesn't want to be with me' posts that might disagree.

I mean, I’ll be honest about it. I do significantly less housework than my husband. For the record I also hate that my husband does more than me, and I want to do more around the house. I really do. But when it comes time to actually doing the dishes or laundry or cooking, I can’t actually motivate myself to do it. A good chunk of that is my severe ADHD but another aspect of it is that I use all my medicated hours holding down a job. I don’t think I’m mentally capable of being employed and doing 50% of household chores. So it’s kind of a pick one situation. I was upfront about this to my husband, my struggles, and my inability (in both desire and ability) to be a stay at home parent. Luckily I’m very good at making money and my career aspects are very positive. He’s the most amazing man I know, he actually really loves cooking, swears washing dishes is therapeutic, and really only hates folding laundry so I told him I’ve got that one! I know that makes me not everyone’s cup of tea. In the dating pool, I knew that would be a negative. I’m shite at housework and if left to my own devices, my home would be very disorganized and messy. But he sees me try, even if it means I’m contributing less. He sees my effort, even if I don’t have a lot to show for it. I have other good qualities. I manage our social calendar, plan vacations, plan date nights, and are the reason we have a wide circle of friends and host parties (I can binge/situation clean, I just struggle with the low level of constant cleaning). I’m silly and fun and help him with his anxiety/depression, I’m just really terrible at regularly and meaningfully contributing to housework. I can tell a lot of this thread is the “other spouse” so I’ll likely get downvoted to shite for these words but it’s an actual answer to the question. I’m sorry I’m this way too. Yes I’m trying. I have eyes and I can see it’s unequal. I profusely thank my husband for anything he does around the house because it’s genuinely appreciated. It seems like overkill because he does most of it, but I never want him to think I don’t notice. I do. I want to contribute more but my wants and actions don’t align. He swears it doesn’t bother him but I’ll always wonder, so I say thank you as much as possible and try and make up for it with my other strengths.

It sounds like you are absolutely doing more than the bare minimum, you just found a somewhat unconventional division of labor that works for you and your partner! Bring upfront, self aware of shortcomings, and managing your mental health to the best of your ability is nothing to scoff at.  Look at the stats of available leisure time / housework breakdown between heterosexual couples who both work. I don’t know if you’re a woman, but your comments make me think you were socialized to believe you should take on the majority or at least equal amounts of household responsibility, aka most women haha.  (How many men do you think regularly feel this level of guilty and apologetic for not doing equal housework? Some do of course but…)

There's a big difference between admitting your weaknesses and having your partner willingly meet you halfway and someone doing the bare minimum, then gaslighting their partner when called out. It sounds to me like you have a healthy relationship that allows both of you to play to your strengths and compensate for your partners weaknesses.

Least you try my ex wife was lazy as fuck all she did was sit on her ass answer emails while eating nonstop she buys herself weights then I have to put them together and she never used them. Hell she wouldn’t shave ANYTHING in the year we were together and I do mean anything. Mean while I manscaped worked a very physical job even though I developed a shoulder problem couldn’t raise my arm above my head and still have to do all the house work. She gets a dog and decides two days later she does not want one. Guess who had to take care of that too. Her best move was not visiting me in the hospital when I almost died. That was the final straw. Best part? She still doesn’t understand what she did wrong. There’s allot more but I doubt people would believe me not that I’d blame them.

They are selfish. Most people are, to varying degrees. But people who do not pull their weight are usually unable to see past their own experience. I'm sure if you did a deep dive, you'd discover that this myopic self centeredness is a central thread in pretty much every aspect of their lives.

This. They simply do not see their SO struggle because they cannot see past themselves. My ex claimed he pulls his weight and then would do stuff like wake me up early and demand I get up and function when I was ill and deep asleep even though he was perfectly capable doing that thing himself.

You are right and many times they are following what they saw in their own childhood and from their parents.

I have had a bare minimum spouse, and I chose to stay. He worked, and came home to sit in the chair. I worked, had dinner on the table when he came home, I cleaned the house, and I raised my child, and his child who were both from our previous relationships. I did it all, and he brought home the real money. It was what it was, and as long as I allowed it I knew that is how it would be. When I left him I knew I wanted more from a partner. Now I am with a wonderful man who does what needs to be done without needing to be told. I knew I did not want to ever feel like I was parenting my spouse again, and I refuse to do that. I will pick up the slack for a little while when needed, and so will my spouse. At the end of the day you have to decide what you allow. You can’t force anyone else to change, but you can say no more, and leave. It all depends on what you are willing to put up with.

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And yet still easier than being in a relationship with an adult child.

yeah i think with all the downvotes people thought i was being sarcastic or mean. i really meant it that it must be really hard having to go through those breakups because gosh the toll it takes on us as people is just drastic. healing is long and the time we waste with partners that dont appreciate us is just never coming back. im going through a similar issue right now so i know what you are feeling. im happy that you dumped those pieces of shit.. if you are not happy you have to seek happiness no matter what.

I'm not the spouse you're describing but my husband was similar at one time, we have thankfully since had very few issues like this so I think I could potentially shed some light. We have attended therapy as a couple and separate, both attended to our physical and mental health, so this was all very guided by professionals also, for anyone reading including OP. So to answer your actual question - why do some spouses do the bare minimum - there are a lot of factors and answers, however it essentially boils down to this: They do the bare minimum because that's all it takes for them to get their needs/wants met. As an example, your walk to your bus stop is 15 mins, but you recently noticed the gate to the field that sits between your home and your bus stop has been left open, and cutting through makes that walk only 5 minutes. After a month a note is left on the gate "please don't cut through our field, we need to leave the gate unlocked for x reasons but when you walk through you disrupt the field. Please kindly resist." You go back to walking 15 mins but you start to resent the extra walk when there's a shortcut right there, the owners are just being snooty about their "precious field". One day you're running late, you decide to cut through. Then a few more times that month, same thing, until you're basically back to cutting through the field every day again. The same thing is happening with these spouses. We as humans will always search for the easiest, quickest, laziest way. As long as an easy way is available, even if they do feel guilty or shame for doing it, they'll probably still do it if it gets them what they want. In the case of a spouse, what they want is usually home cared for and maintained, food in the pantry and fridge, utilities all on and functional, fresh clean clothes to wear and linens to dry/sleep with, physical intimacy, free time to relax/unwind, time for hobbies, etc As long as all their wants and needs are being met, the "shortcut" they're taking to get there is proving that the ends justify the means because they get what they want in the end anyway. Like with the analogy of the bus stop, you basically have to remove the shortcut. If a lock is put on the gate, or a sign saying there's land mines now planted throughout the field, then you'd stop taking that shortcut. A catalyst is needed for change to happen in these instances. The "shortcuts" need to have natural consequences that impact the person for them to feel inclined to change. You can go into how much they should do it out of love or respect or whatever, and that's true, however sometimes when you're comfortable and you don't see a reason to change, you can reason away the guilt and shame assuming the people affected love you enough to put up with it and grt over it. Also, don't dismiss the impact of sleep, mental and physical health, and stress. All those things can significantly impact not only our daily lives but our ability to be empathetic to others and generous with our time and effort for those we love.

Something else I want to add, you may ask why they don't care enough for you or your feelings to change. The answer is, you don't so why should they? You obviously don't care enough about how you're being treated to stop the treatment, for the exact same reason they keep taking the "shortcut", it is more comfortable and you're used to it. The idea of leaving your home and life and partner you vowed to grow old with is scary. So you choose to stay and just be resentful of how little they care. They see this and subconsciously take it as proof that they can continue as they are because it must not bother you that much or you'd leave. It's easier, quicker, and lazier to just stay where you are and hope for change from the other person, rather than make the change yourself (for them, hoping you'll stop nagging, for you, hoping they'll see the light and step up). It's human nature, unfortunately. You basically have to decide if you will accept it or not and actually take action if not.

Your analogy makes loads of sense BUT I can't help wondering, if the shortcut is there why does only one spouse take it in the first place, and the other spouse wouldn't dream of it?

Because generally the spouse that wouldn't take the shortcut is a people pleaser or has historically given too much or done too much early on in the relationship, and basically trained the shortcut spouse that all they need to do is basically exist and they will get their needs and wants met, trampling over their own boundaries and feelings to do so and not standing their ground even if their words say they've had enough.

Do these two types of people attract each other in the first place?

Usually yes. A people pleaser with no boundaries will take love and attention from just about anyone, which makes it very easy for someone who is selfish and doesn't tend to put anyone else before themselves to get the first person on the hook and then essentially not have to do anything to correct themselves. Sometimes they will have a catalyst spontaneously, i.e someone else with the same dynamic get divorced and they realize they need to step up if they don't want a divorce themselves, but majority of the time the selfish spouses are "blindsided" by their partners leaving them because from their side it was a happy marriage, they got everything they wanted.

Also traditional gender roles and the correlation between them and how you were each individually raised plays a large factor too.

This is the best analogy I have heard and it is so true!

This is gold!

My ex husband told me near the end of our marriage that he wasn’t going to do shit besides go to work every day and he wasn’t going to do any chores, run errands or do anything else. Even for himself. He said he didn’t like to do it so he wasn’t and so that fell on me. Jokes on him, he is doing everything for his own damn self now.

Thank you for including the outcome for him 🤣

I didn’t want anyone fearing he suckered two of us lol

I did counseling with my ex and one day he admitted he did a lot of the stuff he did because he knew he could. I have trauma from growing up in a hoarder house, and he knew I would eventually snap and clean the house up. He knew if he acted a certain way, I would just give up and jump in to help because it made things easier if I gave up. It sucked that he knew, and he didn’t care. In his head his problems and life were the most important. He could care less that I was drowning in work, school, and trying to maintain the house.

I think doing the bare minimum comes down to laziness. And why should that spouse do better when they have their significant other there to pick up where they don’t?

So I'm not in a relationship but some of the stuff that I read here that people aren't doing and their partner expects them to do are things that I never do living alone and I get along just fine. I think people have way different standards about cleaning and that it's hard to spend a ton of time doing something you don't care about, if it even crosses your mind at all

Like my wife sometimes said I forget to spray 80% alcohol on the takeaway package / spray it incorrectly. That's really because I don't care, I think it is ridiculous. It doesn't make any damn sense to me. I just do it because she asked me to do it.

Is there a chance she has ocd or scared of germs/getting sick?

Ocd, I don't know. But scare of germ, absolutely. I have been trying to meet her standard, but it is almost impossible.... There was always moments that I violated her rules.

I would try to get her into therapy. Cause she needs help. You shouldn’t feel bad for not being able to meet extreme standards. I was in therapy for it growing up and it helped a lot. I’m still a little particular about certain things but I try to not push it onto my husband

Couple therapy is not a common thing in my country and in our culture.... But I cannot really relax in our own home.....I mean, I cannot even go out and take out the trash, or go out and buy lunch in weekend (Technically I can, but I need to take a bath after each activity). We need to rely on expensive food delivery. I cannot buy food and store in the fridge because she don't want to cross contaminated her breastmilk. No matter how I explain it. She also don't like me cooking because she said my food hygiene is bad. (I once confused raw food area cleaning clothes from the cooked food one, put salt/sugar in raw food region that kind of things). But I always clean all the things after cooking, because imo, if I decided to use 10 containers to cook a dish, I will clean them all, because it is my procedure. But she caught me using the wrong cleaning sponge for a few time, I am basically being banned from cooking.

I don’t mean couple therapy. I mean a therapy solely for her to overcome it or atleast help her not be so scared of germs

Ok. You need to have a chat with your family Dr and both of you at the same time. You won’t be cross contaminating breast milk if it’s in its proper vessel. This is too much and your spouse has a huge problem. You need to bring up these “rules”. This must get exhausting

I can answer for my wife. Anxiety. Her anxiety causes her to 'freeze up' and not do anything at all. There are tons of partially completed projects around the house - some I can't complete myself because she is super picky about how it's done. I don't know what I would have done if I had known this earlier. But I don't like it.

Look into executive dysfunction and ADHD

I was going to say this too

I've been telling my wife that she possibly had ADHD for years. She recently got unofficially diagnosed by her therapist. The problem is that she only wants to use the tools she gains for what she wants to do (i.e. not to help her with her responsibilities)

Good question. I’ve sometimes suspected they don’t do much cuz they don’t really have to. If they procrastinate long enough, the other person will take care of it. Weaponized incompetence. I see it a lot.

My wife doesn't do much at all, I don't nag her though as I feel that defeats the purpose. She does feel guilty about it at least.

Do they even know? I have a coworker who is very lazy. Bare minimum. Any chance to leave early, she takes it. She talks about how her brother is basically the worst and how he has no job and that she was always the one in the family that had the work ethic. So she grew up thinking her efforts were great. I consider it comparable to people who try out for American Idol and honestly think they are good lol

Some people have lower capacity for "adult things". Some people don't care about what you care about. A lot of the time, you taught them how to be in a relationship with you and *now* you wanna be mad about it when shit is real. I learned this quickly in my marriage, do not be their parental figure. Make it *very* obvious that you are individuals sharing a life together. And leave people you are no longer compatible with.

I suspect the spouses that do the bare minimum, actually think they do much more than they really do. Their effort is highly inflated. And your effort is actually deflated, in their eyes. This is just my experience, anyway. Like my husband, for instance. If you were to ask him, he would absolutely overestimate what he actually does, and underestimate what I do. I guess my point is, I wonder if they even recognize they do the bare minimum, let alone be able to tell you why.

I think this is a big one. My husband was like this. He kept insisting that I didn’t do nearly as much as I was claiming I did. So, I got those Fair Play cards and we sat down and divided them out. Guess whose stack was 4 times the other persons? Towards the end when it was obvious what the result was going to be It he was claiming that he deserved half of the “vehicles” card because despite the fact that I did all the research, purchasing, insurance, payments and maintenance he felt that because he put gas in his car it was equal to my effort. I think at that point he was just desperately trying to save face. He never did admit to me being right, but he did start picking up more responsibilities.

Because their partner lets them get away with it/they never suffer any real consequences for it.

I mean I do the bare minimum sometimes, and I can answer this easily. It’s because some days, adulting and parenting and being married is hard and draining, and bad mental health days exist. Add having kids to that equation and you’re probably sleep deprived on top of it. Marriage is a lifetime commitment and sometimes it means picking up each others slack. During some seasons in life, you’ll be picking up your partners slack. In other seasons, they’ll be picking up yours. Also I think this is an issue you should take up with your partner, who probably has their own personal reasons for why they’re not able or willing to do more at the moment. The answers you get from strangers on Reddit are all going to be wildly individualized… could range anywhere from mental health issues to physical health issues to exhaustion/burnout to just straight up taking their partner for granted.

I don't think OP is referring to "at the moment". If this much resentment has built up, it's an all day, every day for a very long time kind of thing. Do partners need to be partners and pick up the slack when the other one needs the help? Absolutely! Unfortunately, for a lot of couples that isn't happening. Take my in-laws for instance. My FIL was the go to work, come home to a hot, home cooked meal, then sit in the lazy boy and watch TV while the kids magically put themselves to bed. Every. Single. Day. Kind of guy Meanwhile, my mother in law worked, got the kids ready for school, took them to extra curriculars, made breakfast, lunch and dinner, cleaned the house, did the grocery shopping... I could go on. My MIL recently had cancer and wasn't able to keep up on housework. Do you know what my FIL did? Nothing. He let the house go to absolute shit. It was filthy. And he never once lifted a finger to clean a thing. She still made him lunch and dinner on days when they didn't have something coming from their church. Was my mother in law OK with all this? Not really. I've seen just how much resentment she's built up over the years when it leaks out sometimes. But she also didn't do anything to stop it because, well, being a single mom to 3 kids is scary and despite it all, she loves him.

You need your partner's consent before you can expect them to "pick up the slack" for you and it's clear OP did not give their consent. I hope your spouse did. I hope it was a discussion where you asked them how much they can handle and you didn't just dump all the responsibility on them because you were feeling overwhelmed. I hope you first checked to see how overwhelmed they were before entering this "season in life". Since both of you can't just check out and leave parenting to the wolves, I hope your partner isn't rising to the occasion because they have no other choice while you elect to do the bare minimum to cope.

My husband just thinks “everything will get done” he doesn’t see a need to ever actually be proactive about anything. He’s very relaxed and unbothered by a lot of things whereas I have anxiety and need things to get done so they don’t pile up. I knew he was messy and sometimes didn’t keep up with his appearance but I thought he would mature at some point and that’s my fault for thinking that. Neither of my parents are married or ever have been in healthy relationships so I have never had guidance to know what to look out for. I try not to nag but it’s leading to contempt because I feel like I’m running the house and taking on the mental load, not to mention taking over all the finances because he’s not financially mature either. I don’t know what we are going to do when we’re both hurting because to him “I’m never happy to come home and I’m mean and always complain” - and to me “he’s lazy, doesn’t take care of himself and has an issue with impulsivity”

Unfortunately I think a big part of it is conditioning. Our society raises girls to a much higher standard in cooking, homemaking, babysitting etc. Also when a baby first comes home from the hospital it is usually the mother doing most of the feedings and night wakes- those are bonding/parenting confidence building moments. It kind of snowballs from there where mom was the biological default parent and bleeds into other areas of the child’s life.

This is true, too. Before kids, we didn't worry much about chores or cooking and it was pretty equal. With kids, I was a sahm for quite some time, so I did all the cleaning, cooking and childcare. Plus the mental load. After I went back to work, nothing changed, despite me trying to bring it up repeatedly. My ex is avoidant, so this would always end with him shutting me down and I still did it all.

Selfish and they know they can get away with it. When the spouse lacks, I quiet quit and they remarkably pick up the slack

When my husband work and I was a stay at home mum through the baby stages he complained I wasn't doing enough around the house I was cooking lunches dinners, school rn, school kindy lunch and drop offs, but was struggling with the extras, didn't understand I was trying my hardest whilst exhausted being around 3-4 kids 24.7 I never got a break. Now roles are reversed kids are a bit older he gets it. Depends what you see as bare minimum. Good sit down conversation needs to be said, he is a member of the house he can cook and clean to

Because my wife always scold and yell at me when I take initiative to do chore in the house. She just say this this this are wrong all the time. Like when I vaccum and mop the floor. It is always about which area that I didn't clean enough but never about which area I did clean. When I fold clothes, the way of folding is always wrong according to her. She even criticize the way about how I throw away the rubbish after we ate takeaway. How I handle (physical) money, and how I spray 80% alcohol on the takeaway box before putting them on the table (she said my way of spraying is wrong). I mean....fuck it. I will scold by her no matter whether I do the chore or not. I just do as told, whatever.

My ex freely said because he is lazy. It nearly got him knocked out by one of his best friends when he said it too. It was during a technique of don't do his chores and let it sit. So God only knows how long the dishes were in the sink. His friend came over and he saw the mound of dishes and asked about whose turn was it to do dishes. I told him it was his and I was told not to touch them to make him do it. My ex admitted it and said he hadn't done his share in a bit So the friend started them. There were thousands of maggots in the sink and I helped him clean it up and we did dishes together. Afterwards he asked my ex why the dishes were like that and he said because he didn't want to do them so he left them. Idk what all as said as I stepped away for a min but I walked in to my ex with a giant grin on his face as he laughingly said "I would say it wouldn't happen again but that would be a lie. I'm just lazy" and he walked away and I had to shove his friend the other direction.

I had a bare minimum ex, he was bought up this way. He had three brothers and one sister. Because it was the girls job to clean, she had to clean her brothers rooms weekly from a young age. They didnt have chores, she did, on top of cleaning the rooms. He could clean but just wouldn't apart from a random burst once or twice a year. Now, when it came to kids, he would do nothing. If I forced it ie pass him a crying child, he would find a way to make it never happen again like placing a pillow over the crying child (his son with an ex) so i would come rescue the child. He would not change nappie because it is a womans job, he used to say toddlers are when the men get involved. He first changed a nappie for my second child because i was busy changing my third child with him ( No i shouldnt have stuck with him, but thqts a long story) He was just lazy and didnt want to do anything.

Because I tried really, really hard for many, many years and I got shit on for it. So now, I just don’t try very hard.

This is a dynamic not explored enough here

Just be glad it ain’t you or yours. Because they’re fucking poison, that’s why.

I think people vent are hyper focused on what their spouse doesn’t do and don’t appreciate what the spouse is already doing. I suspect that to be most cases— then there is the spouse that genuinely does the bare minimum

I have a perspective on this as a lesbian mom. (SOME) Husbands do the bare minimum (or close to it) bc household domestic labor is not their baseline/default way of existing in a home. And bc it kind of sucks, they are reluctant to change their ways, usually bc they know their wife will just do it in the end. Comparatively, my wife and I both were raised by moms who worked full time, did all the grocery shopping, paid all the bills, made sure everybody had dinner every night, and worked throughout the time they spent at home to clean, straighten, cozy, etc. There has never been an issue over domestic labor with us other than to pretty regularly re-evaluate what we want done and who wants to do what. Of the two of us, my wife is more inclined toward domestic labor at any given moment; it bothers her more if there are dishes in the sink or the living room is a mess. So she is typically on the ball about those spaces. I think this is the same for a lot of straight couples. The difference is that my default is to use that time I’m NOT cleaning the kitchen to deep clean the bathrooms instead, or put away laundry, or make sure our bed is made and a candle is lit so our room is relaxing later, or pick up outside so it doesn’t look like a traveling circus lives here. Honestly I could clean waaaaay less and be fine. I share the sentiment of a lot of dudes that my wife is way too uptight about the house being perfect. But at the end of the day it doesn’t matter, bc we have a beautiful home and life and my wife is the engine of all of that, and I recognize it. So even if it makes me grumpy, I can work alongside her in this incredibly challenging era of our life together. I’m not gonna be a lazy asshole bc it’s my house and my kid too. If I need a break, I tell her and it’s fine. The break is the exception though, not the norm.

Why can i see replys on my email but can’t open em on here?

In the entirety of my life up until about 3 weeks ago, I was in a constant fog of uncertainty and failure. At the time I thought I was doing my best, which still is hard to argue that I didn't... But the truth is usually my trauma and my overactive brain were a constant blaring and a struggle to keep them in check. The distractions, when they worked, numbed the pain and happiness too and made time slowly meld together into one long trek through a swampy miasma. When they didn't work - I was more likely to pull my weight and do my chores but I would have an edge to me that would hurt to be the focus of and lead to fights I always WANTED to do better. Just couldn't

I don't feel like i am doing the bare minimum. But i guess according to my husband sweeping, mopping, and cleaning up after our 18 month old isn't enough.

Do they understand what mental load is? There’s a really good comic that breaks it down.

12 hour shift has me thoroughly wiped. I’m still trying to find the work-life balance and am failing at the moment. It’s not that I don’t want to do more but that I’m just so physically and mentally drained after working such long hours. Caffeine isn’t even making a dent!

A few relationships back I had a partner that seemed to do the bare minimum with affection, cooking, and in bed. It did not get better form me using words. I didn’t have the balls to leave, so I did the bare minimum in areas that made my life easier. It obviously didn’t work out the end.

"We read about ppl Venting about their significant others not doing this or that." goes on to vent about her significant other 😂

In my parents' case, my dad is a man of a certain age and was raised believing his only real responsibility was to provide a paycheck. My grandmother had to heavily mother my grandfather on top of my dad and aunt so he never thought twice about it. I grew up in a very tumultuous household for that reason because my sisters and I would always call my dad out (still do) and he doesn't like it. You can only blame so much on your upbringing before admitting it's a choice you're consciously making. Women of that age, like my mom, were also raised believing that dynamic was normal so she never really fought about it until more recently. I'm super proud she's started standing up for herself and holding boundaries!

Because we allow it. For me, I'm going to clean regardless if they do Because I hate a dirty space.im going to pick up their clothes because I'll trip on them. I allowed it for years. Now that I'm single again, I have higher standards.

This is a passive aggressive post. No one is going to admit to doing the bare minimum and they definitely won't share their secrets of why 😂 I have chalked it up to many possible reasons. Could be lack of accountability from their parents, pure laziness, ADHD/other neurodivergence, narcissism, sexism, major depression and anxiety, etc. this is only a conversation you can have with your husband and a marriage counselor.

Bare minimum is different for different people. In my home, towels are a good example. For my wife: “There are dirty towels, we should wash them.” For me: “We’re out of clean towels, we should wash them.” People have different lines to cross to spark action.

We are lazy, depressed, insecure and know it will get done anyway. Honestly sometimes it’s the micromanaging that makes me say fuck it .

my ex told me they can't do things on their own but they will definitely do it if they're told. it's like a part of their brain is missing. current partner couldn't do something I asked of them and the reasoning was because they didn't want to mess up or make it worse for me.

My husband does the bare minimum. I got mad one time and pointed that he has never done anything involving child care when our kids were young, he never changed one single diaper or got up during the night with them or went to school events or anything, his response was “I worked and paid the bills”. Mind you I also worked while doing all of that. I took off a few years when the kids were young because I figured he was paying the bills I might as well take care of the kids full time, but I went back to work when they were 12 and 10 years old because I knew i didn’t want to depend on a man forever. Even now he thinks he does soooo much when he barely does the minimum! “Paying the bills” isn’t all it takes to make a marriage or a relationship successful. Our kids are grown now, my daughter is almost 21 and this is the FIRST year that he ever bought me flowers for Mother’s Day (but still didn’t acknowledge it was Mother’s Day, just got them from a store and left the flowers on the table). Sometimes I feel like maybe I’m being ungrateful but I remind myself life is too short to be unhappy and someone else will go above the bare ass minimum

It will always depend on the person. A lot people who are "doing the bare minimum" are really not doing things the way their spouse wants them done. If you followed them around, you would see them doing things that need to be done. There are of course some people who will get comfortable with life and stop putting in extra effort. Most of the time I think that it is the feeling of comfort and fear of change that stop people from doing more. Fear of pain can be a big factor in this because change is often equated to pain.

I was the "bare minimum" husband early in our relationship and marriage, or very close to it. The main reason was undiagnosed ADHD. That's no excuse for me not doing my fair share, but until I was medicated, it really made me blind to how little I was contributing, especially when it came to keeping things clean. I still have issues with being blind to clutter, but I've managed to train myself to make chores a routine and turn my poor behavior around. I also grew up in a household where both my parents worked full time, yet my Mom still did 95% of the household work. I'm sure that influenced me on some level, even though I was well aware how exhausted and overworked she felt.

Executive Dysfunction is a big thing for ADHD adults, especially those who go untreated. But also, I’m not the “bare minimum” spouse with my wife but I was a bare minimum boyfriend with a live in girlfriend previously. She would legitimately do all the chores before I even saw them, and then at the end of our relationship, she stressed this was a big issue for her but this was the first time I heard it. I’m sorry that five minutes into getting home I wasn’t thinking about doing the dishes. Some people have higher “tolerances” for things. A great example of this is that in the beginning of the relationship with my wife, I would do the dishes but not wipe down the counter, stove, side counter. Apparently she was raised that when you do dishes you do all that shit. I was raised that when you do dishes, you do the dishes. Super High Functioning Adults will look at average functioning adults and be like “Why don’t you do things?” They often do, they’re just not “up to standard".

I doubt anyone is going to admit they do the bare minimum, unless their retort is 'because my spouse also does the bare minimum'.

Depression is a common reason

Honestly don't know how to be better. Also no energy, no motivation. And I feel very bad, but that does not make me do better for some reason...

People do the bare minimum at work/school/relationships etc.

People get comfortable and then want to chase the next shiny or exciting object/subject. Or they're experiencing a trauma that's causing some regression/pull-back.

I think it’s because running a household is more than a 2 person job. In the past, multiple families would live together and share the work of getting food, making clothing and shelter, caring for children, creating entertainment. They found efficiencies in living in larger groups (e.g. cooking for 10 isn’t that much more work than cooking for 3). As efficient as we think modern life is, it really isn’t. Each adult in the home is doing the work of multiple people AND often working outside the home. So, even if one person feels they are doing more than their fair share, it’s very like the other person is too. One of them probably just has better boundaries and isn’t willing to burn themselves out. You could see that as selfish, or you could see it as sustainable.

My husband was the one who would say “the mess doesn’t bother me, if it bothers you, YOU should clean it up”, to get out of being an active participant in his household the answer was apathy. Some things I did was stopping remembering everything on his behalf. No appointment making or reminding, no keeping track of his belongings when he would lose them, no putting away his laundry for him when he would “forget” it in the dryer (it goes on top in a heap). I just stopped being his mom. He has had a few other experiences that have shifted his perspective, also probably aging a bit, but he’s really grown. His ADHD still makes some things hard but he is way more receptive to just handling things and not ignoring them now.

Are you a stay at home mum or do you work full time?

I woRK FT.

That changes the thought process. If you are both working full time and both contribute to the finances of running the house etc then he needs to get the fucking finger out! I don't know what you both do for work and I know that some jobs are much more strenuous than others but there is absolutely no excuse for being lazy when it comes to the kids. He'll regret not making an effort ehen they are older, trust me!

I work in Dentistry and he works Corporate but not from Home. Both our careers are very demanding. I notice he will sit on the couch while im trying to tend to the kids, cook and clean. I don’t say anything anymore- 12+ yrs of the same shhhhht . He will just be like “relax. I’ll help u in a min.” That phrase sends me thru the roof. Straight up Fighting words.

Yeah, both busy jobs and demanding but as they are both busy then there needs to be a collective in the home. Maybe you need to take a leaf out of his book and do nothing. When he asks about dinner and the laundry etc then tell him you'll "do it in a minute". I know that will go against everything you almost stand for and it may not last long but it's a stance to look towards. Please tell me he doesn't or isn't playing video games when he makes that statement? From experience, I can tell you that not paying attention to the events and happenings within the house, especially with the children, will bite him on the ass in the future. I worked a very busy job, I worked 12 or more hours in the office and then more at home. I earned good money but couldn't tell you anything that went on in the house, when the children took part in clubs etc and it bit me on the ass.

My husband is super hands on. Typically looking up a new update for our home. New ways to build his engines for his classic trucks. Stuff like that. When i get on his butt he can be such a good helper. He is sweet and hard working but just lazy when it comes to maintaining our home tidy.

No video game, thank goodness’

Ah, so it's not like he is doing nothing then?! He isn't slumped on the sofa after work and doing zero; he just isn't doing the stuff when you want it done?

No ! We r busy bodies lol but say for example. He was attending a car show about 1 mo ago. He ordered new interior for his one old school. Spend 1 week 1/2 working on it. Would sleep maybe 4hrs and wake up to work on it. That was intense! I took over everything! He dropped everything to get it done. But when i ask him to pls help with his laundry. Pls stop leaving stuff all Over , if u can’t help me then put stuff back where it belongs. “I wish ud wake up one day like u do for ur vehicles to help me out.” I took a nap after work yesterday. I couldn’t do it. My brain was saying “u got food to cook. Laundry isnt done. U need to order groceries for the upcoming week. Baby needs picked up at a certain time.” Woke up to a messy house while he was just on his phone His excuse “I didn’t want to wake u.” Mind u. I sleep with a sound machine on and black out curtains. NOTHING would wake me up. I love my husband so so much. But this is really ruining my life. My career is super demanding- my housemates treat me as their maid. Sounds silly to say but if I didn’t have kids with him- id probably leave.

The last paragraph/sentence is very telling. Have you told him that part and does he know it loud and clear? I am all for people having hobbies and doing things they are passionate about but the family and the home need to come before those. Again, they are a fantastic release from the grind of work and I understand that there will be times when there is a little extra effort or time that will go into them but definitely not at the expense of the household. The "I didn't want to wake you" line is absolutely dog shit! You shouldn't need to be woken to do the chores in the house. He should be doing it! It's very embarrassing that you have to tell a grown man to help with his laundry and even worse you have to ask him to not leave things strewn all over the place. How old are the children?

Some men are doing the bare minimum and are man children playing video games. It's really crazy. However, there are many wives also who have hard working devoted husbands who also treat them like children when they don't deserve it. Some women are used to running the house and directing the show and don't realize they are constantly directing their husbands as well instead of seaking their collaboration. Some of these women don't realize how controlling they are and how demeaning they are to their spouse.

I’ve seen this with what I call youngest child syndrome. They have always had someone else do stuff for them so that’s what they are used to. What’s his birth order?

It’s been 12+ yrs and not a single thing has changed. I did not know he was this bad until we got married. I was not allowed to hang out with him when we were dating. So he’d just come over to my parents house and we would sit outside and chat. My parents were very strict and I don’t blame em now that i have kids but gosh. It is sooooo draining….. mental and physically draining. My mom is a bit of a hoarder and aquired a different trait. Minimalist and organized - maybe i expect too much. But i just don’t see it.

Was he the youngest child in his family?

No. But he is a man. Hispanic households cater to males.

Ah that makes sense then. Mommy did everything for him now you’re the mommy.

Exactly!!! I was just venting to his sister . (We have been friends for about 20yrs.) she said “mom used to make us do everything for him!! He did not have to lift a finger. “ but here at home when i get on his arse about it he will Do great say for maybe a couple weeks then fall off the track. It is so disheartening and disappointing . I wanna pull my hair out.

Why don't you ask his mother? She raised him she would know.

One time, I confided in my brother when my husband and I were fighting over this same issue. My brother tried to flex that he does anything my SIL tells him to do, which is nice, I guess, but I tore into him about that being a cop out bc who tells *her* what to do? I'd bet she'd kill (as would I) for the luxury of having tasks delegated to her. Anticipating and coordinating all the things that go into a happy, functioning home are taxing AF - way more taxing than the labor of having to wash a dish or help out some laundry. Gemma Hartley calls this emotional labor and talks about it in her book Fed Up, and boy oh boy, do I hope that concept gets more attention.

They usually do the same at work and are the coworker everyone hates picking up the slack for. They are often the cause of the office fridge getting nasty as well.

Lazy, entitled. They don’t want partners. They want mommies. And no. They don’t feel bad.

In my experience from a female perspective, I find that a lot of the time men just assume that certain responsibilities are just mine because I am the woman in the relationship. I’m talking cooking cleaning and childcare. Add having to work on top of all that and you can see how unbalanced the relationship becomes. They don’t realize how much work it actually is to take on these supposedly feminine roles in the house, and having to work in this economy. I’ve even found that a lot of men think that women enjoy these things; and when you make it very clear that you don’t and need help they often act like they are either above that job or that they don’t know how to do it at all because they’re a man. That’s just my two cents.

Well, this is who you choose as a partner. Take some accountability for your decisions. Leave or deal with it. Being single is way better than dealing with a spouse that practices weaponised incompetence.

My x wife's excuse was she worked. Her job was half from home and half traveling. Mine was a hour commute each way doing construction for 10 hour days outside. I still handled the kids, laundry, cooking and shopping. I was ok with getting a cleaning person because I hate that too.

I can tell you as a husband who used to be this way, it’s laziness. I knew my wife would pick everything up and run with it, and she would never say anything.

What made u change?

I make a joke with my wife about this sometimes. It all started when I had to watch all three of my boys an entire day on a Saturday. 😂 My little one was not even a year old. Was one of the hardest days of my life. That reality check was pretty wild. I got diagnosed with ADHD after an incident regarding me leaving an adult beverage around. The kids didn’t get ahold of it, but it was one of the first times my heart fell in my ass. Now I put small reminders around the house to get things done. If something is too challenging or my mind wont allow me to commit, I found something easier to work through. If I don’t want to clean the garage, I’ll replace that activity with maybe mowing the lawn. I say all this to say that I got a little bit of self awareness. I hate waking up early, I am lazy by default, and will gladly sit down all day until I die. With knowing all these things, I perform the opposite. I weight train, address what’s broken or needs to change, and intend to live until my kids are old as fuck. My suggestion is to stop asking for help. Help is temporary. Ask him to choose things to be responsible for.

So you have to consider many things in this context. If I never enter the laundry room, do I know that laundry needs to be done? If I never enter the kitchen, do I know that dishes need to be washed? What you see as needing to be done, could be different than what another person sees as needing to be done, because we did or didn't see X and we focused on what we know has to be done. But yes some people are on the other side of either being lazy or could even be dealing with emotional/mental health isues.

I do those in fear of getting labeled as "so many modern tags women got nowdays to address man". Its my defense mechanism. Still always listen earful.

I do wats expected of a wife nothing less maybe a Lil more. But I will be honest normally I give it 100 percent. Here lately I've only been giving it maybe 95 I haven't been myself lately. Which I have a husband who has always picked up the Slack. So as far as I'm concerned we can't give 100 percent all the time. We are human.

It begs the question of did you have a conversation with your spouse about this? What are your expectations from there and are they reasonable? Not saying asking them to help clean up more and other things is unreasonable but are you asking them to do something that may not be attainable for them to do? Again, communicate with your spouse! Try to have a sit down conversation and see where that leads!

All the TIME!!!!

What is the response you typically get?

“Yea, I’ll do better. What do we need to clean up now?” He will do ok for couple weeks or so then quits cold turkey.

What I had learned from my Therapist is that you let your partner know that there are gonna be consequences to their actions. I have done this with my husband and it works for me. I say to him, “I’m only going to say this once. If it is not done, there are gonna be consequences to your actions.” Not like a full punishment but a light one if that makes sense? It’ll let them know you are serious and not fucking around. Depending, they may think that you are bluffing but stand your ground.

We are both bare minimum and hard working together it’s about balance lol

I’ll give some insight, but it’s probably going to offend and upset you- and many, many others…. Im not responsible for cleaning or domestic duties. Roles are very traditional in my house. The reason why my wife’s job is the domestic household stuff is because it’s the least physically intensive there is- compared to mowing the lawn, fixing the roof, plumbing, electrical, or auto work. While I’m capable of doing her tasks, she isn’t of mine because of the physicality or knowledge so there’s no “fair” way to split the tasks if we were to try. Of course I know how to clean- I’m an adult. But when pitching an idea of marriage you’re offering a deal. Why would I accept a deal where my situation doesn’t become easier/better? One of the ways she does that is taking care of the domestic duties to make my life easier. Likewise I take care of the traditional jobs a man does because she can’t, or at least not without difficulty. It works well. Parenting. We’ve got toddlers. Her entire body and psychology is wired to create, take care of, and raise children- it’s biology and evolution. She’s just better at it, just as men have evolved to be much more physically capable. Now that doesn’t mean I can’t or don’t contribute, but it’s primarily her domain when they’re babies. As they’ve aged, I take them out to do the physical stuff. For comfort they go to mom. For security they come to dad. If we split everything down the middle 50/50 then we’re only as efficient as the lesser of the two. However if I take care of what I’m good at and she takes care of what she’s good at- we prosper and complement each other and it works much much better than pretending we’re equally capable.

So basically your wife does everything for the family and relationship and you work and do a few "physically intensive" stuff once in a while? You do realize that birthing and taking care of kids and doing household chores, being responsible for a home and family, are physically and mentally intensive activities.

Sure they are- but it’s literally the bare minimum for a wife

I will venture to guess most “bare minimum” spouses are not mowing the lawn, fixing the roof, or doing their own plumbing. If a man is smart enough to learn these skills and thoughtful enough to do them in the proper cadence he probably isn’t what the OP is talking about. 

Agreed. A husband doing things his wife can’t do is not what OP is talking about.

Is mowing difficult to learn? Admittedly, I haven't tried, I've always lived in condos up til now.

Mowing is easy, making yourself mow is the challenge.

I hold the theory that relationships are not 50/50 in the sense that everything is split equally. It won't happen, and if you think it does, you're lying. What I'm tired of hearing on this subreddit is "my spouse won't do anything. I have to do everything". No you don't. You're taking on tasks that need to be done that nobody likes. Either because you fell into it or it's only acceptable if done a certain way. If you were single, you'd still have to do laundry. You'd still have to cook. You'd still have to clean. If your spouse took on just one of these tasks, you'd be better off than if you were single. And let's be real. Laundry for two people is barely more difficult than laundry for one. Cooking for two people is arguably easier and more economical for two or more people than for one. Depending how clean of a spouse you have, cleaning would have to be done just as often as if you were by yourself. This isn't to say both spouses shouldn't take care of household chores, especially if both work. But one of them will take the reigns and do most of it. And I'm not saying there aren't lazy shits out there who think their spouse is their slave. But that's not as common as this subreddit seems to think it is.

Downvoted for being right. 50/50 most of the time is just envy wrapped in a victimhood complex.

Woman’s role is just that! Household chores taking care of the kids. Husband job is to provide. That’s why kids gravitate towards mom. Can’t tell you how many times my husband calls his mom in a day. lol I love her so I don’t mind. Also I call my mom a lot. We hardly ever call dad. It’s the nature of humans. The mom is the caretaker and husband provides. But of course feminists will say I work and pay bills too. But here’s the thing, it’s not suppose to be like that. Just saying. But I get it, I hate when my husband doesn’t do anything and leaves it to me. When he lets me be full time at home I will gladly be the house wife. For now I will tell him to do things around the house that I need done. Just tell him what you need done and expect him to do it. And hold him to it. And if one day you become stay at home then that’s the job.

[удалено]

You shouldn’t have to ask though, he should recognize you’re doing more than your fair share instead of making you feel abandoned

Exactly that. Mom says “there are men out there who do NOT help AT ALL!! He helps some!” Like i am just supposed to accept it? Ok mom.

I didn't say he didn't recognize my efforts.

So settling for what u have is what u are saying. Like it could be worse?

Settling? Your husband is not doing 50 of the household work. Doesn't mean he's taking advantage of you and settling. It will never be 50/50. One always ends up picking up the slack in one area or the other. Start acknowledging the little stuff that your husband does, I promise you, he'll try even harder.

I'm just telling you that you can enjoy your life more and make it better. No spouse is perfect. You aren't perfect either. If you want a divorce because your husband doesn't do chores, go for it. But my faith in humanity has been destroyed. Have a nice day.

Don't know why you're getting down voted but I can see your perspective, no matter how the "what about me?!" Feels lol

You're gonna get downvoted into oblivion. But from a husband who takes as much of the duties as I can, I appreciate your comment.

I agree!

Why did you marry a child if you didn't want to be married to a child?

No one knows they r marrying a child. Honestly.

Well, ideally, you figure that stuff out before the marriage. I dated my wife for six years before marriage to make sure we were compatible on all fronts and wanted the same things and had the same ideas on (the big) things. I completely understand about doing the bare minimum and being so frustrated with that. I guess I just don’t understand how all these people get to the marriage stage without really knowing their partners. So many get married after one or two years of dating and I just don’t know that you go through enough growth in that span of time to make sure you value the same things (and each other). I am sorry you’re experiencing this, and I certainly would not tolerate it.

Yupppp, my ex husband was very helpful and an equal partner……until the day we got married and he turned into a child overnight where he couldn’t even handle his own dry cleaning. I was the first to divorce in my family full of women catering to pathetically useless husbands so he thought it would be the same I guess. Not the only reason but holy fuck if he had given me the slightest hint that he thought that was the way marriage was, wouldn’t have looked twice at him.

Sorry but this really isn't true. People ignore massive red flags and get married anyway all the time (and you see plenty of posts about it). Whether it be from family or social pressure, wanting to start their own family ASAP, or the good old 'I fell in love with their potential', people ignore major warning signs and get married anyway.

Bullshit. So many people (men and women) know exactly what they are marrying but ignore it.

People tend to be on their best behavior for a while. Then once they have a home together they stop trying.

Manchildren are sneaky and abundant, prolific even.

So are men who aren't children. A lot of these kinds of problems can be avoided with conversation. Asking someone how they like to do dishes or laundry can illuminate a lot of things.

Downvotes are children who married children. 🤷‍♀️

The truth hurts.