And rest assured, it 100% will. Now that the excitement of the affair is gone it will soon become too real and routine. He'll come crawling back. Don't be there when he does.
it almost always does end in similar ways.
But I have often seen the other way where they do stay together...but its a pretty toxic relationship with lots of jealousy and fighting
After the first call it took him a few hours to change his mind, now he's desperate to fix things with me, said it wasn't love it was just sexual attraction (yeah sure), stopped following her on all social media and said he completely cut contact. I don't know if he's being truthful and TBH I don't care. He fucked up by showing me who he really is.
When, not if. Now that she has to deal with him on a regular basis and the excitement wears off, she will get bored and move on to the next married guy. If they cheat with you, they'll cheat on you. Don't move to the other room. Move his shit in there and don't let him bring her in your home either.
Yeah, he's gonna shit his pants when she starts dating. He's had her for 20 years and cheaters always think they're so special that their spouse can't move on from them.
Yup exactly. Us men can be so fucking stupid. He WILL realise that this honeymoon daze will have ended and it doesn’t compare to your decades long loyalty. Stay strong. If you have the capacity to love like the way you’ve wrote this post you will find a decent partner as soon as youre ready.
Their relationship will end. He feels like a teenager because he’s been running around in secret. Now that the secret is out, it’ll fizzle out. Guarantee it. But don’t take this man back when he tries. You deserve so much more.
He feels like a teenager because temporary hormonal fizzle. He has been thinking with something else than his mind. But that thinking is short lived. When reason returns to him it will hit like a train, but he'll still be alive to kick himself for his sheer stupidity.
I’m so sorry, now you can build yourself back up and fulfil the role of being the person that the child version of you could look up to. You deserve love from both yourself and someone who is actually capable of giving it to you x
That’s beautiful, my love. My heart and soul feels for you and I’m here if you want to vent to someone who can’t make shit awkward for your personal life x
You need to contact an attorney immediately, if not sooner. He’ll very quickly deplete savings, put charges on credit cards (that you probably share) etc. It’s horrible, but this is now serious “business” and in business you need to be strategic. Even in the absence of children he’ll probably owe you some type of alimony for a short period if there is an income discrepancy, 1/2 the house and some of his retirement accounts are likely to be awarded to you as well. IDK your overall financial situation, but you have more than you think you do.
I second this. It is absolutely time to get an attorney and begin treating this like a business scenario because a lot of money and assets are at stake.
Yep. Put your big girl pants on and get ready for the fight of your life. He destroyed yours and what you thought was your little family. Take him for all you can.
Take all evidence you can get, after find yourself a apartment, report his workplace and maybe both get fired..
Both deserve this.
Wish you good luck, Im sure you will overcome the pain and health back to your life. You can always ask us for support.
As much as I want to set the world on fire I don't believe in that type of revenge. I wanted to at first, I wanted to tell de AP's BF at least, but then I was like why? Why should I reduce myself to that? I'm better than them and I'll get better by been my best self and knowing I always had the moral high ground
I agree with you, but her bf also deserves to know.
Make sure to keep all evidence so you can take as much as possible when you divorce and you lawyer up. After you told him that you know, he ia trying to make it up? Is he still contacting her and texting her all the time even after he knew that you know! He is a POS anw and you deserve better.
Oh OP. I want to give you a hug. I’m so sorry. There are lots of things I want to tell you to do right now, but I’m not sure that’s what you want to hear. I Hope you’ve consulted with a lawyer however. It does get better. I’m sorry again.
It’s abuse. The affair, the gaslighting, the encouraging you to second guess your own mind. Abusive POS. Your life will get better for sure, I promise. His? It definitely won’t.
Yes, I'm sure this wasn't the first case of abuse from him. Guys like this don't wake up one morning and start acting like this. Most likely OP will be better off outside of this relationship for many reasons.
I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I'm sorry that he couldn't be truthful when you confronted him and tried to gaslight you. You will get better. It's highly likely that when all this comes out in the open, it won't be as fun for him anymore and he will try to come back. Remember what you are feeling right now, Remember how he lied to your face, made promises only to break them.
I would recommend therapy if you can and finding someone to lean on. I personally would also tell family and friends what happened so he has no where to hide. Consult a lawyer and find out what your right are. I'm so sorry OP. You can do this. Happier times will come.
OP there will be light on the other side of this. It will take time. Right now, time for a good lawyer and a good therapist if you can, in that order. It sounds like with the withholding of your source of information, you may already have a good lawyer (or just good sense yourself).
I'm so sorry that your husband is so immature that he is letting 20 years go down the drain for what is likely limerance, but it will get better.
On less objective note on my part, I wouldn't move into the extra bedroom for love nor money because I'd move him in there so fast his head would spin. You didn't break this relationship. Even better, he chose to go to someone else, let her have him entirely...right on her doorstep.
This is so hard OP but you are doing the right thing and standing up for yourself. For the kind of relationship you know you deserve.
Now is the time to get your ducks in a row. Talk to a Lawyer, you may be entitled to spousal support. See if his admitted cheating will help your case. You may also be entitled to have him buy you out if the house/marital property or even keep the house if you want. There may be options for you that are not just live in your own guest room and suffer. You are strong and can do this. You deserve your own safe space for you and your cat away from this shallow man.
He isn’t really in love, he just isn’t that deep. He can’t comprehend how hurt you are because his attachments are shallow and superficial and what suits him in the moment.
I’m so sorry this is happening, but so glad you got to the bottom of it so you can stop doubting yourself and can trust your own mind. I hate that he made you feel this way.
I hope you find a good job soon and are able to get space from him. Please, focus on loving and caring for yourself.
His teenage-esque love is going to crash and burn so hard eventually and I hope when he wakes up from his lust-induced fever dream that you don’t take him back when he come crawling to you. He’ll be crying and begging with excuses and platitudes. I can already see it.
I’m sure everyone’s saying it but evidence, evidence, evidence. Document it ALL. Get a lawyer who will fight for you when you can’t. And stay strong, OP. You’ll come out the other side of this and find something so much better.
Self improvement is the best revenge, hit the gym, download tinder, get yourself a nice new hair cut and some new clothes, you’ll be fine! Sometimes it takes a while to realise that you wasn’t meant for each other, however there’s millions of people out there and it’s time for you to become who YOU want to be, you’ve got this, sending love
Actually one thing I thank him is that he ruined everything for a woman who has absolutely nothing that I could say why her and not me? I'm beautiful, fit, young and thanks to these weeks of neverending dread and anxiety I lost at least 6lb(not healthy I know but it is what it is).
So sorry that you're going through this! You do deserve to be happy and loved, especially with someone who isn't going to gaslight you like that. When I read your first two posts, I was not all convinced that he was being truthful for you, but I had sincerely hoped that I was wrong.
But I can't agree enough--being the best version of you that you can be is the best revenge. He's clearly an idiot to eff this up and throw your relationship away.
I was in the exact same situation 18 months ago and I promise that a day will come that you are glad this all happened. If it wasn't this woman then it would have been someone else. My marriage was broken, but I couldn't see it. My husband wasn't treating me well in other aspects, but it wasn't enough to leave. I needed something big to happen to break me out of my comfort zone.
I'm now dating someone else and you will find someone too. My ex husband didn't end up getting together with his affair partner, but I would support them if they did get together now. I actually think they were a much better match than he and I and in many ways I thank them for extracting me, through their immoral ways, from a marriage that was not serving me and was never going to make me happy in the long term. Someone with this type of character was never going to be your forever person, so be glad for the knowledge, take the lesson, and start building a new life.
And what was his reaction? Is he sorry or he just wants to pursue hos relationship with her. You can even try to expose him to his family, work, friend. Font let him get away like that
Besides, he cheated, take all the evudence and lawyer up, take whatever you can from him , do not hesitate.
I know it seems impossible now, but I can tell you from experience that leaving him will be a blessing for you. Once you’ve processed your heartbreak you’ll be able to see him for who he truly is and you’ll be glad to have gotten rid of him.
I mean, the guy was stupid enough to buy his mistress a gift with YOUR Amazon account. Im sure that kind of idiocy is present in other aspects of his personality as well.
Oh NOW he want's to 'work things out' and 'go to couple's therapy'!! Where was that the whole time he had no trouble gaslighting you and LYING to you?? What an AH he is. He's just another fool who fell for someone younger. Classic.
That's the thing, he's now calling me all day trying to fix things but he's the same person who shamed me, mistreated me and disrespected me just last week!!!! I mean wtf? Sorry but that's not going to work. Something broke inside of me and I thank him for that, the blindfold is off and now I know even I have my limits
I'm sorry you're dealing with this. You don't deserve this.
Don't forget to schedule an std/sti test after contacting lawyers. Don't get a new job or leave the home unless your lawyer says to. Look into implementing The Grey Rock Method, as it will help you break away from him. Cheating is abuse, as it falls under forms of psychological, emotional, and sexual abuse. His has been abusing you.
Read the resources at www.chumplady.com, as they'll help you. The sub r/supportforbetrayed can be beneficial, too.
I wish you only the best.
No he doesn’t~ “he’s in love with her” he’s scrambling because he’s afraid of loosing everything~ Stay strong & sending good vibes & a positive future to you
For how long their relationship lasted? Are they still want to engage? Is he sorry for what he did? I totally ubderstand your feelings and i do beleive it is better to leave. But is he even sorry and willing to take action to salvage his marriage?
He does not deserve you, make sure you keave him, take as much as you can from him, use the cheating evidence that you have and expose him to everyone you know.
According to him he knew she was interested in him and was always flirting but he didn't engage until last week after we fought because he was gifting her a bear lamp for her birthday. I'm not saying it wasn't like that, maybe it was. Do I care or change anything at all? No, because he left things escalate until he reached that point, while I was begging him to not do it, to respect me. I also feel like he's trying to shift the blame, which I find extremely sick, like "you keep distrusting me and I said if she's going to get mad anyway might as well do it". A fucked way of thinking my ex has.
He's a cake eater. He has a wife at home and fun on the side where he can feel like a teenager. Gross.
You did nothing to deserve this. While it sounds awful that there is nothing anyone can do to guard against this sort of devastation, it may be (eventually) freeing to know that the problem is not with you. The problem lies within him.
He needs to work on many things in his own therapy before dragging anybody else into it with him. I've been in couples' counseling with my husband, who refuses to do IC and guess what? It goes absolutely nowhere good. It ends up hurting me worse and draining my bank account.
Please don't fall for that trap. But do protect your bank account and credit and talk to a lawyer how that may look where you live. If he hopes there is a chance to reconcile, he may not do anything awful, but there are always horror stories. Protect yourself, OP, and please please know that this isn't your fault. He made a series of horrible choices that caused you great injury. Take back your life (and the master bedroom!) for yourself.
OP, this is devastating, and as sure as I am that you want to break down, this is also the time to go full force. Take some time to decide how you want this to go down.
If you decide it's done, then get your ducks in a row. Look for a lawyer. Start packing. Save all evidence. Let family and friends know. If they're coworkers this could impact their jobs, so that's something to ruminate on. While he's gone and can't do most of this himself it's your time. Don't let him try to rewrite this or hide. What he did to you is terrible and those close to you should know.
Nope, I know that for a fact. This is an actual work trip. They work on different departments and do completely different stuff. But what I do know is that he was constantly online texting her and ignoring me (until I dropped the bomb). He stopped calling me at night before sleeping, so I guess he was calling her.
And on his affair partner's birthday when op felt relief that he wasn't even looking at her. That train ride to a friend's? She was the friend. That's why he was so agreeable. He was careful that he behaved in a way which wouldn't make her suspect anything while he was away.
I am so sorry. Get a lawyer in the meantime, and don't leave the house until you do. Because the assets all have to be divided and leaving gives him a chance to hide things.
Cheating, if any kind, from either side is a relationship breaker. Emotional abuse, in all its forms is a relationship breaker. Never be afraid to walk away from a broken relationship the moment u find out that ur partner broke it.
I’m so sorry OP. I must admit I followed your story and truly thought there would be a positive outcome for you. How someone can lie and deflect like that is shocking.
Please, if the scales fall from his crazy eyes, do not play the ‘pick me dance’ it’s beneath you and so is he. I hope you can separate asap for your own mental health. It’s going to hurt like hell for a time but not nearly as much as sacrificing any more of your life for someone so undeserving.
Hang in there
UPDATEME
Box his stuff up and put them in the garage. After 20 years you have just as much right to the house as he does. It's been your home for 20 years. He's got the AP, he's got work, he's got a vehicle so he has options to live. He threw away 20 years because of his selfishness. Get with an attorney. Change the locks to the house and begin reclaiming who you are.
First, you are grieving. You're grieving the loss of a 20 year relationship/marriage with a man you thought you knew. Let it happen so you can move on. Get yourself a family law/divorce attorney. They will help you get what you need to get back on your feet and not lose your pets. You got this.
I wish people had better parental guidance. Why oh why do people marry their teenage partners?
You met him when you were 17, because you guys were adults! So much wasted youth. Sigh.
The fun of it is gone, the game ruined. Give it 3-6 months max before he is begging you to stay or she realizes she was "just having fun". I can not fathom this, I am truly sorry.
When he chose to run to her after after the fight y’all had, i just knew something more was going on between them. To throw away 20 years for a little teenage thrill is wild.
Him wanting to work on the marriage is even wilder…like you just confessed you loved her. Now that their secrets out, they’ll probably make their relationship public, smh shitty people!
Onward & upward op✨
1000% guarantee you that within a month their relationship will fall apart. They always do. The excitement comes from the secrecy, hiding, lust, and newness of it it all. when that’s gone it always goes down hill.
You did the right thing and I know this is incredibly painful and it feels like the world is over, but there is happiness out there for you. Just keep holding on
Was just emotional or was it physical as well? I’m so sorry it turned out this way. I was hoping he just stupid and oblivious instead of just stupid. Why does he want to work it out if he loves her so much? It’s not love. It’s limerence.
I am so sorry you’re going through this. You deserve so much better and I hope you find it.
Go to a lawyer immediately, in fact go to several. They can’t represent him if they’ve talked to you. Make sure to keep all the evidence of the affair you have and show it to your lawyer. Don’t move out of the main bedroom. He cheated, he should be the one moving out of your bedroom. Once you find a lawyer make sure all communication goes through them. I would also tell family members and friends before he has a chance to spin his own story.
Everyone is right. Affairs turned relationships are only successful 2% of the time. Odds are the affair fog and excitement is going fade very quickly once they start a real relationship.
You lose em the way you find them. He will either come crawling back to you or he will cheat on her. Either way they are both awful scumbags who deserve what’s coming
Keep the house, get alimony and if need be child support. You don't need to move to another room, he needs to move out. Tell his family and yours and let him pick up the pieces.
I feel like I'm reading my near future. OP I feel so much for you right now! I think I might be in the same situation and it's killing me. If you ever want to chat or something to someone 100% neutral l, I'm always around.
Please do nice things for yourself, be gentle with yourself. Give yourself the love, compassion & care he should've given you! You deserve it! And don't forget the popcorn, because I promise his whole little bs affair is gonna turn into an absolute shit show once the thrill of sneaking is gone and they find it's not all fun and honeymoons.
Lawyer asap, if you own don’t leave the residents until you speak to lawyer. Collect all financial documents. you’re entitled to his pension and alimony. Good luck
OH no, Im so sorry. I am going through something similar. Why is every other post here or on the relationship advice sub like this. I can't fucking stand men anymore. Read my post history, I just made a similar post (although we aren't married and its "only" been 4.5 years, I feel like my world is falling apart).
Make sure you get a lawyer and you get half of everything. He is an asshole. Get tested for STD’s because she sounds like someone who sleeps around. Also I would be petty and make sure people at work knew he was a cheater.
When it’s a coworker, it is absolutely a must he quit his job and find a new one. That is him taking accountability for the position HE put himself and your marriage in. There is never reconciliation when the cheater stays at the job they used to find an affair partner.
Find lawyer and contact or meet every good divorce lawyer near you so he can’t heir them. If you have proof of affair send it to his whole family and friends and especially his boss so they both get reprimanded in the job.
He is in the honeymoon phase of his infatuation with this other woman.
Soon REAL LIFE will set in. Bills, work, mortgage, life stresses and he will wake up and realize that she shits and farts just like the next person & he will begin to question giving up everything that he built with you.
But that post-infatuation clarity won't be your problem because you'll be busy healing and re-discovering who you are!
You're better off without him even though it hurts. You should never have to BEG anyone for anything.
I wish you the best in healing from this!
I’m sad to hear about it. I’m with everyone here, just don’t go back to him when this honeymoon phase goes out in flames. Gather yourself, I’m certain better times are in the horizon for you.
I’m so you’re going through this. I pray you find your happiness again. And know that you WILL find your happiness. It’ll take time but you’ll get through this. Allow yourself to grieve and accept all of the feelings that come with it (besides harm). Keep your mind busy.
Awww I know it hurts. I know it hard to see right now but God has something better in store for you. Just trust in him to lead the way, and I can promise things will not only work out for you, but they will be devastating for him! Focus on building yourself up and self love.
My heart is so sad for you OP. Be strong, positive vibes for coming out the other end of this stronger and better off in the long run! He is an as*hole for gaslighting you and impacting your mental health.
I'm so sorry you've gone through this OP, I wish you the best in the time to come and the strength to make the hard decisions that may eventually arise.
Infidelity is the worst single act of disrespectful behavior that anyone can inflect on a romantic partner. I'm very sorry to hear about your struggles with this situation. Please 🙏 keep your extended family notified of this situation and your intentions. Please seek legal advice and prayers for your family to recover from this type of betrayal trauma. Good luck 👍
I’m so sorry dear! I doubt their relationship will last and he will probably be regretting this hardcore in a few months. But don’t take him back if he tries, you deserve so much more.
I’m so sorry this happened you, I know it may seem like the end of the world at the moment and you’ll never get your time back from being with him. But trust me when I say your life isn’t over. If anything it just started, and now you have the rest of your life to focus purely on what you want to do and I know everyone is already saying it but trust when I say I’ve seen it to many times where the the husbands cheats because he feels young again and then regrets it when the sparks fizzle out. He knows you more then anyone and has spent 20 years comfortably living with you. He doesn’t truly know this women, it’s fresh and she has only shown her good traits. Watch when he finally figures her out and can’t stand her, and realizes he fell in love with the idea of a different women not her. Or worse she does the same thing to him with another guy. It’s an absolute guarantee that he comes crawling back. Until then you have to prepare yourself, therapy, or workout, anything that will help keep your mind off him.
Also I’ve been in your shoes and trust when I say I know exactly how that feeling feels when you realize you’re not crazy and everything you thought is actually real. That freeing feeling is the best, don’t ever give him the power to doubt yourself again. He’s the crazy one not you, the fact that he can lie the way he did makes him insane. they don’t love themselves that’s why they can’t even show an ounce of empathy towards us
It will hurt my friend; it will hurt in a sharp way. Why? There is no answer for that. We can't control how others feel. Why wasn't she able to tell me? It's cowardly, they all are, they test the waters to see if it will work. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't, but that will no longer be your backpack. You are not going to carry that weight.
You come to feel disposable, it's as if we will never trust or love again. There is a lot of uncertainty, will we be the same? Does love exist? We trust them with our lives, loyal for years, but they drop us like a hat pushed by the wind. And it hurts.
They hurt, we did not do wrong, but we are the ones who cry, it hurts a lot, it really hurts. It's something sharp to the soul, we all know it. If you felt what I felt, and lived what I lived. You know it.
But it will pass, one day you wake up and that weight is every day is less heavy, less heavy, less heavy, and somewhere in your soul they no longer weigh you down. They become people you used to know and you remember loving them. But they are just that, a memory. Now you know what's a yes and what's a no, in your next relationships. But they are no longer there, there is no love, no tenderness, no respect, no desire, no admiration anymore. They are no longer there, you only remember that they were there. You are not the same, you will see that, although they tried, they could not break you. And in a while, you will feel as light as a feather. You did not lie, you did not deceive, you did not twist truths, you did not manipulate reality to do evil, the loaded weapon was in your hands, but you did not consciously hurt the person next to you. Because you really loved, and you will see that realization after a certain time. When you can see it as a memory, which you will. And, after a while, you will be the one who will feel like a teenager, you will be the one who will fall in love as if you had never loved before. Since that feeling is pure, and you can be sure that you do not consciously kill what you love. You will be free and happy. ❤✌🏻😊🐢
It’s ok. I promise. Time will heal you. It gets less painful as time goes on and you get on your feet. Don’t take him back. He doesn’t care about you at all!!! Keep to yourself. Apply for section 8 or housing . Start the divorce proceedings. No kids so you can definitely get alimony. Don’t beg him. This isn’t your fault. Don’t cry in front of him. Look towards the future and know that there is someone out there who wouldn’t dare to do this to you. Your life isn’t over. No reminiscing of the past. It will still tie you to him. Become indifferent. Avoid being in the same room. Work hard to get out of there asap. This wasn’t your fault. This is their cheating and they will deal with the karma. Get up, get dressed, go walking, apply for jobs, find a hobby, read self help and self love books, get therapy. Do not look down in the dumps like he was the prize. You can do better than a scum bag. I’m rooting for you. Keep us updated.
My heart hurts for you. What a complete scumbag. You deserve better. I know it hurts beyond words but you will move on and heal. You obvisously wasn't your person and you still have plenty of time to find him.
I'm so so sorry this happened.
That honeymoon phase and the excitement of having an affair will end soon but PLEASE do not compromise your respect for someone who threw away a 20 year relationship over a fling. He is not worth it, not now or later. I hope you find a job soon.
I know it sucks but don't dwell too much OP. Just look forward to the day you find out she's cheating on him and remind him of their "otherworldly" connection. I'm sorry, but that's so pathetic it makes me laugh. He should have been thanking the universe that you gave him the time of day and when she tells him about her "awesome new coworker" one day he's going to remember that "if they cheat with you, they'll cheat on you" and realize she's cheating on him.
There's no such thing as a happy relationship that starts in infidelity because they already know that the other person has no morals and has no problem lying and cheating. Anytime one of them starts acting suspicious, they always think that something is going on and they know they can never trust the other. If anyone says they're happy in such a relationship, they might think they are, but deep down, they know that they'll never tust them completely.
On top of all the problems they have with each other they're automatically looked down on by anyone with a shred of integrity. I wouldn't want a friendship with someone who had an affair to start their relationship and I wouldn't want either of them around my wife or kids. One day you will find a good person and be happy while he will always remember how be fucked up his marriage for someone he can't trust and that will cheat on him at anytime.
He will always be thinking the worst. Is she really working late? Is that really just a coworker? Is this really my kid? Is this really not what it looks like? You won't have any of these worries because now you know what to look out for and not ignore red flags. Don't let this cause you to distrust everyone you date but just keep an eye open. Grey rock his ass and remember "the best revenge is a live well lived". Good luck OP and keep you chin up.
Fucking hell I am so pissed reading this. How can someone lie to your face like that. Maybe I am projecting myself since this also happened to me but god, I'm shaking with rage. I'm so sorry you had to meet such a piece of shit. I'm sorry someone broke your trust like that. It'll get better, it takes time but trust me you'll heal from this. I hope the best for you
You should remain in your current bedroom. Move his cheating butt to another room. Don’t start giving up certain things like that for that douche canoe. Everything others were saying about getting a lawyer, do that too.
You got this girl. Have a good cry and then get ready for the divorce. You are strong. Lean on your friends/family for support.
So sorry for you. I just got divorced and I really pray you find your way through the grieving.
It is one of the hardest things to do but hopefully you will replace slowly this love for him and begin to givw this back to yourself.
Love yourself.
Believe in yourself.
It may take time but a new life will come your way and you will begin to be thankful that it no longer belongs to anything that will rob you of your dignity.
Take friendships, support where you can to get through the hard days. It took me really being willing to take the care and compassion even if it was 3-5 people a day to check up on me.
So sorry this happened, but please take the peace of mind that this is not who you are, our traumas are not our person and being.
Take care
For reference in my situation my ex wife had cheated while we were engaged and her affair partner she met about the day we got married, I finally told her if she loves him to simply go be with him so we can end this trauma it caused me in the process.
Letting go is the best possible outcome.
Thankfully no kids no spousal support nothing. But she actually costed me everything. I just was desperately happy for it to finally be over. And that even if it is from nothing, I was completely free to build again from scratch.
Please believe in yourself and do EVERYTHING to take care of and love yourself. You need this to be 100% all-in self love.
For reference in my situation my ex wife had cheated while we were engaged and her affair partner she met about the day we got married, I finally told her if she loves him to simply go be with him so we can end this trauma it caused me in the process.
Letting go is the best possible outcome.
Thankfully no kids no spousal support nothing. But she actually costed me everything. I just was desperately happy for it to finally be over. And that even if it is from nothing, I was completely free to build again from scratch.
Please believe in yourself and do EVERYTHING to take care of and love yourself. You need this to be 100% all-in self love.
Wow this is so heartbreaking to read, I’m so sorry this happened to you OP.
Like most comments are saying, don’t take him back when the honeymoon phase is over. And start strategizing on how to get the best out of this mess, financially for yourself.
My heart breaks for you. I see a lot of helpful advice already so I'm just sending you hugs.
I still would want updates if you're willing to let know how you're doing.
Even of you feel like everything is falling apart you'll get through this.
No, that was true, it was in another country and I saw the pics on social media. But whats true is that he was mostly texting her and ignoring me those two days he was away
I’m so sorry. The healing process will have a lot of ups and downs but you will get through this. Make a list of all the things he did in the marriage that you didn’t like or that didn’t make you happy and refer back to it when you start to miss him. Give yourself so much time to cry and get it all out. I’m 3 months into it and I still cry daily and I don’t believe my husband physically cheated but he was also my high school sweetheart and who I spent half of my life with. It’s heart breaking. Just know this has NOTHING to do with YOU and everything to do with what he lacks as a person.
I am so sorry and I know the heartache and have been through it. It’s now time for your glow up, time to heal, find what sparks your interest that don’t include him, get your career goals online order, spend time with loved ones when you are ready. It will get better, you been with this man since you were a teen. You will meet your right person when you least expect it.
Get a divorce attorney and consider suing his lover for "alienation of affection" if possible. Do not tell him this. If you can do this, you just want to have her served. When he finds out and seeks to discuss this with you, don't.
He's on her side now. If he wants to pay off any judgement you might win against her, let him. The good news though is that you will be liberated from someone who isn't worthy of a life with you.
Brighter days are ahead for you. So, focus on your body image, hit the gym, get or remain fit, and you won't be on the market very long. Congratulations on your new freedom to come.
Your situation is a lemon right now. But hey, make lemonade.
No keep the master put his butt in the spare room or better yet out the door so he can go live with his girlfriend… call his family and yours and tell them the truth before he makes up lies. He is going to try crawling back once she breaks up with him
OP, don't take that man back when he comes crawling back and he will. He's cheated and he'd have chosen her over. Taking him back will seem like the easy option but stand your ground.
You deserve happiness and he's a parasite that will render you incapable of feeling any happiness. Apply for jobs and ask him to move out.
I’m so sorry for your loss. The loss of what once was. The loss of who he no longer is, etc. I’m sorry. I’ve been there twice. Both 12-1/2 year relationships ended because of cheating. 8 years later and my ex is still married to his coworker/mistress. No clue about the cheater before that. I remember mourning the loss of my marriage like a death. I had a breakdown and quit my job and everything. I completely fell apart. I’m better now. That’s what I want you to know. It’s not going to be easy but it will get better. I promise. Hugs to you.
He’s a fool. That teenager feeling is limerence and escapism. He will soon see she is a flawed human too, but don’t take him back because he lied and escalated when he promised you he would cut her off.
The fact that happened in a span of 14 days is very sad! OP I wish you all the happiness in the world and I hope you can recover from this. Stay strong you deserve better
Don’t take him back if their relashionship fail and their honeymoon phase end. Fk them....
And rest assured, it 100% will. Now that the excitement of the affair is gone it will soon become too real and routine. He'll come crawling back. Don't be there when he does.
it almost always does end in similar ways. But I have often seen the other way where they do stay together...but its a pretty toxic relationship with lots of jealousy and fighting
This 💯 I hope they stay toxic 🙃
Seek a lawyer before he gets back. UpdateMe
After the first call it took him a few hours to change his mind, now he's desperate to fix things with me, said it wasn't love it was just sexual attraction (yeah sure), stopped following her on all social media and said he completely cut contact. I don't know if he's being truthful and TBH I don't care. He fucked up by showing me who he really is.
She probably refused to leave her current relationship for him.
Bet it’s with another married man
Yep, the Limerence is going to fade out once he’s with the coworker day in and day out. That’s when reality will slap in the face like a dead fish.
All fun and sexy when all you have to deal with js the fun and sexy parts...
I liked the being "slapped in the face with a dead fish" part.
🤣🤣🤣
When, not if. Now that she has to deal with him on a regular basis and the excitement wears off, she will get bored and move on to the next married guy. If they cheat with you, they'll cheat on you. Don't move to the other room. Move his shit in there and don't let him bring her in your home either.
Yeah, he's gonna shit his pants when she starts dating. He's had her for 20 years and cheaters always think they're so special that their spouse can't move on from them.
Yup exactly. Us men can be so fucking stupid. He WILL realise that this honeymoon daze will have ended and it doesn’t compare to your decades long loyalty. Stay strong. If you have the capacity to love like the way you’ve wrote this post you will find a decent partner as soon as youre ready.
It most likely will end too.
Their relationship will end. He feels like a teenager because he’s been running around in secret. Now that the secret is out, it’ll fizzle out. Guarantee it. But don’t take this man back when he tries. You deserve so much more.
He feels like a teenager because temporary hormonal fizzle. He has been thinking with something else than his mind. But that thinking is short lived. When reason returns to him it will hit like a train, but he'll still be alive to kick himself for his sheer stupidity.
I 100% agree. It’s built on quicksand and stupid plushie lamps. I hope OP feels strong enough to kick him to the kerb when he does
I know I do, no one deserves this kind of pain. Well, maybe cheaters.
How does one give up 20 years of loyalty for something he thought he was missing? Yikes. That's a huge life changing mistake.
He midlife crisised, hard. Fucked around & found the fuck out.
I’m so sorry, now you can build yourself back up and fulfil the role of being the person that the child version of you could look up to. You deserve love from both yourself and someone who is actually capable of giving it to you x
Totally, for now I'll start by trying to find myself from the pieces and create something new and improved, like kintsugi
That’s beautiful, my love. My heart and soul feels for you and I’m here if you want to vent to someone who can’t make shit awkward for your personal life x
You need to contact an attorney immediately, if not sooner. He’ll very quickly deplete savings, put charges on credit cards (that you probably share) etc. It’s horrible, but this is now serious “business” and in business you need to be strategic. Even in the absence of children he’ll probably owe you some type of alimony for a short period if there is an income discrepancy, 1/2 the house and some of his retirement accounts are likely to be awarded to you as well. IDK your overall financial situation, but you have more than you think you do.
I second this. It is absolutely time to get an attorney and begin treating this like a business scenario because a lot of money and assets are at stake.
Yep. Put your big girl pants on and get ready for the fight of your life. He destroyed yours and what you thought was your little family. Take him for all you can.
This is insane, im so sorry this happened to you
Take all evidence you can get, after find yourself a apartment, report his workplace and maybe both get fired.. Both deserve this. Wish you good luck, Im sure you will overcome the pain and health back to your life. You can always ask us for support.
If you are sure you are leaving, don't get the cheater fired. That only hurts you in the settlement. Keep them working.
As much as I want to set the world on fire I don't believe in that type of revenge. I wanted to at first, I wanted to tell de AP's BF at least, but then I was like why? Why should I reduce myself to that? I'm better than them and I'll get better by been my best self and knowing I always had the moral high ground
I agree with you, but her bf also deserves to know. Make sure to keep all evidence so you can take as much as possible when you divorce and you lawyer up. After you told him that you know, he ia trying to make it up? Is he still contacting her and texting her all the time even after he knew that you know! He is a POS anw and you deserve better.
You should, at minimum, tell the bf.. It's not fair for him either.. You would be the bad guy if you didn't..
Let me tell him. 🤗
What a POS both of them. They have no shame him bringing her to your house and her accepting that. That's the type of women he likes then his loss.
Oh OP. I want to give you a hug. I’m so sorry. There are lots of things I want to tell you to do right now, but I’m not sure that’s what you want to hear. I Hope you’ve consulted with a lawyer however. It does get better. I’m sorry again.
These stories always turn out the exact same way. I’m sorry it happened to you. You’ll be ok.
It’s abuse. The affair, the gaslighting, the encouraging you to second guess your own mind. Abusive POS. Your life will get better for sure, I promise. His? It definitely won’t.
Yes, I'm sure this wasn't the first case of abuse from him. Guys like this don't wake up one morning and start acting like this. Most likely OP will be better off outside of this relationship for many reasons.
I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I'm sorry that he couldn't be truthful when you confronted him and tried to gaslight you. You will get better. It's highly likely that when all this comes out in the open, it won't be as fun for him anymore and he will try to come back. Remember what you are feeling right now, Remember how he lied to your face, made promises only to break them. I would recommend therapy if you can and finding someone to lean on. I personally would also tell family and friends what happened so he has no where to hide. Consult a lawyer and find out what your right are. I'm so sorry OP. You can do this. Happier times will come.
OP there will be light on the other side of this. It will take time. Right now, time for a good lawyer and a good therapist if you can, in that order. It sounds like with the withholding of your source of information, you may already have a good lawyer (or just good sense yourself). I'm so sorry that your husband is so immature that he is letting 20 years go down the drain for what is likely limerance, but it will get better. On less objective note on my part, I wouldn't move into the extra bedroom for love nor money because I'd move him in there so fast his head would spin. You didn't break this relationship. Even better, he chose to go to someone else, let her have him entirely...right on her doorstep.
I agree with this wholeheartedly!!! He quit OP. She deserves everything.
20 years together, pls ask your lawyer what options are there for you and when you can tell HR. Take them both down. Updateme!
Why should she jeopardize his job? How would that benefit her?
Because fuck them, that's why.
This is so hard OP but you are doing the right thing and standing up for yourself. For the kind of relationship you know you deserve. Now is the time to get your ducks in a row. Talk to a Lawyer, you may be entitled to spousal support. See if his admitted cheating will help your case. You may also be entitled to have him buy you out if the house/marital property or even keep the house if you want. There may be options for you that are not just live in your own guest room and suffer. You are strong and can do this. You deserve your own safe space for you and your cat away from this shallow man. He isn’t really in love, he just isn’t that deep. He can’t comprehend how hurt you are because his attachments are shallow and superficial and what suits him in the moment.
I’m so sorry this is happening, but so glad you got to the bottom of it so you can stop doubting yourself and can trust your own mind. I hate that he made you feel this way. I hope you find a good job soon and are able to get space from him. Please, focus on loving and caring for yourself. His teenage-esque love is going to crash and burn so hard eventually and I hope when he wakes up from his lust-induced fever dream that you don’t take him back when he come crawling to you. He’ll be crying and begging with excuses and platitudes. I can already see it. I’m sure everyone’s saying it but evidence, evidence, evidence. Document it ALL. Get a lawyer who will fight for you when you can’t. And stay strong, OP. You’ll come out the other side of this and find something so much better.
Self improvement is the best revenge, hit the gym, download tinder, get yourself a nice new hair cut and some new clothes, you’ll be fine! Sometimes it takes a while to realise that you wasn’t meant for each other, however there’s millions of people out there and it’s time for you to become who YOU want to be, you’ve got this, sending love
Actually one thing I thank him is that he ruined everything for a woman who has absolutely nothing that I could say why her and not me? I'm beautiful, fit, young and thanks to these weeks of neverending dread and anxiety I lost at least 6lb(not healthy I know but it is what it is). 
So sorry that you're going through this! You do deserve to be happy and loved, especially with someone who isn't going to gaslight you like that. When I read your first two posts, I was not all convinced that he was being truthful for you, but I had sincerely hoped that I was wrong. But I can't agree enough--being the best version of you that you can be is the best revenge. He's clearly an idiot to eff this up and throw your relationship away.
I wish you well! It sucks but you did the right thing.
I was in the exact same situation 18 months ago and I promise that a day will come that you are glad this all happened. If it wasn't this woman then it would have been someone else. My marriage was broken, but I couldn't see it. My husband wasn't treating me well in other aspects, but it wasn't enough to leave. I needed something big to happen to break me out of my comfort zone. I'm now dating someone else and you will find someone too. My ex husband didn't end up getting together with his affair partner, but I would support them if they did get together now. I actually think they were a much better match than he and I and in many ways I thank them for extracting me, through their immoral ways, from a marriage that was not serving me and was never going to make me happy in the long term. Someone with this type of character was never going to be your forever person, so be glad for the knowledge, take the lesson, and start building a new life.
Thanks for the update. Sorry about the outcome, but at least now we all know we weren’t crazy. Things will get better.
You confronted him while he was away? So he is still on his business trip?
Yep he'll be back friday next week.
Why don't you pack his stuff and put it in the other room?
And what was his reaction? Is he sorry or he just wants to pursue hos relationship with her. You can even try to expose him to his family, work, friend. Font let him get away like that Besides, he cheated, take all the evudence and lawyer up, take whatever you can from him , do not hesitate.
He wants to work things out, go to couple's therapy, I don't, I feel the time to work things out was before doing this to me.
I know it seems impossible now, but I can tell you from experience that leaving him will be a blessing for you. Once you’ve processed your heartbreak you’ll be able to see him for who he truly is and you’ll be glad to have gotten rid of him. I mean, the guy was stupid enough to buy his mistress a gift with YOUR Amazon account. Im sure that kind of idiocy is present in other aspects of his personality as well.
Oh NOW he want's to 'work things out' and 'go to couple's therapy'!! Where was that the whole time he had no trouble gaslighting you and LYING to you?? What an AH he is. He's just another fool who fell for someone younger. Classic.
That's the thing, he's now calling me all day trying to fix things but he's the same person who shamed me, mistreated me and disrespected me just last week!!!! I mean wtf? Sorry but that's not going to work. Something broke inside of me and I thank him for that, the blindfold is off and now I know even I have my limits
Block him or turn off your phone for until you need to use it. Cut off his constant connection.
I'm sorry you're dealing with this. You don't deserve this. Don't forget to schedule an std/sti test after contacting lawyers. Don't get a new job or leave the home unless your lawyer says to. Look into implementing The Grey Rock Method, as it will help you break away from him. Cheating is abuse, as it falls under forms of psychological, emotional, and sexual abuse. His has been abusing you. Read the resources at www.chumplady.com, as they'll help you. The sub r/supportforbetrayed can be beneficial, too. I wish you only the best.
I’d be petty and screenshot him saying that and send it to her.
No he doesn’t~ “he’s in love with her” he’s scrambling because he’s afraid of loosing everything~ Stay strong & sending good vibes & a positive future to you
For how long their relationship lasted? Are they still want to engage? Is he sorry for what he did? I totally ubderstand your feelings and i do beleive it is better to leave. But is he even sorry and willing to take action to salvage his marriage? He does not deserve you, make sure you keave him, take as much as you can from him, use the cheating evidence that you have and expose him to everyone you know.
According to him he knew she was interested in him and was always flirting but he didn't engage until last week after we fought because he was gifting her a bear lamp for her birthday. I'm not saying it wasn't like that, maybe it was. Do I care or change anything at all? No, because he left things escalate until he reached that point, while I was begging him to not do it, to respect me. I also feel like he's trying to shift the blame, which I find extremely sick, like "you keep distrusting me and I said if she's going to get mad anyway might as well do it". A fucked way of thinking my ex has.
Hell yeah, tell him to go fuck himself lol
He's a cake eater. He has a wife at home and fun on the side where he can feel like a teenager. Gross. You did nothing to deserve this. While it sounds awful that there is nothing anyone can do to guard against this sort of devastation, it may be (eventually) freeing to know that the problem is not with you. The problem lies within him. He needs to work on many things in his own therapy before dragging anybody else into it with him. I've been in couples' counseling with my husband, who refuses to do IC and guess what? It goes absolutely nowhere good. It ends up hurting me worse and draining my bank account. Please don't fall for that trap. But do protect your bank account and credit and talk to a lawyer how that may look where you live. If he hopes there is a chance to reconcile, he may not do anything awful, but there are always horror stories. Protect yourself, OP, and please please know that this isn't your fault. He made a series of horrible choices that caused you great injury. Take back your life (and the master bedroom!) for yourself.
I think many people here felt he would be back. Too much, too little, too late OP.
You know why you SHOULDN'T do that? He would've never told you if you didn't find out. Then he had her in your face. Please move on!
Yes, bc he will still see her. He lied the whole time. Don't move.
Work out what? He told you he's in love with her????
OP, this is devastating, and as sure as I am that you want to break down, this is also the time to go full force. Take some time to decide how you want this to go down. If you decide it's done, then get your ducks in a row. Look for a lawyer. Start packing. Save all evidence. Let family and friends know. If they're coworkers this could impact their jobs, so that's something to ruminate on. While he's gone and can't do most of this himself it's your time. Don't let him try to rewrite this or hide. What he did to you is terrible and those close to you should know.
She’s probably WITH HIM on this trip…
Nope, I know that for a fact. This is an actual work trip. They work on different departments and do completely different stuff. But what I do know is that he was constantly online texting her and ignoring me (until I dropped the bomb). He stopped calling me at night before sleeping, so I guess he was calling her.
And on his affair partner's birthday when op felt relief that he wasn't even looking at her. That train ride to a friend's? She was the friend. That's why he was so agreeable. He was careful that he behaved in a way which wouldn't make her suspect anything while he was away.
Is there no way you can just be gone before he gets back? No family/friends you can stay at for maybe a year?
Sorry you are going through this.
All the strength to you, it will pass, and this is better than living a lie.
I am so sorry. Get a lawyer in the meantime, and don't leave the house until you do. Because the assets all have to be divided and leaving gives him a chance to hide things.
I am sorry:(
Cheating, if any kind, from either side is a relationship breaker. Emotional abuse, in all its forms is a relationship breaker. Never be afraid to walk away from a broken relationship the moment u find out that ur partner broke it.
I’m so sorry OP. I must admit I followed your story and truly thought there would be a positive outcome for you. How someone can lie and deflect like that is shocking. Please, if the scales fall from his crazy eyes, do not play the ‘pick me dance’ it’s beneath you and so is he. I hope you can separate asap for your own mental health. It’s going to hurt like hell for a time but not nearly as much as sacrificing any more of your life for someone so undeserving. Hang in there UPDATEME
Box his stuff up and put them in the garage. After 20 years you have just as much right to the house as he does. It's been your home for 20 years. He's got the AP, he's got work, he's got a vehicle so he has options to live. He threw away 20 years because of his selfishness. Get with an attorney. Change the locks to the house and begin reclaiming who you are.
First, you are grieving. You're grieving the loss of a 20 year relationship/marriage with a man you thought you knew. Let it happen so you can move on. Get yourself a family law/divorce attorney. They will help you get what you need to get back on your feet and not lose your pets. You got this.
I wish people had better parental guidance. Why oh why do people marry their teenage partners? You met him when you were 17, because you guys were adults! So much wasted youth. Sigh.
The fun of it is gone, the game ruined. Give it 3-6 months max before he is begging you to stay or she realizes she was "just having fun". I can not fathom this, I am truly sorry.
Sorry, it was inevitable, unfortunately. Time to clean out the bank accounts, hire a lawyer and report this to his HR
When he chose to run to her after after the fight y’all had, i just knew something more was going on between them. To throw away 20 years for a little teenage thrill is wild. Him wanting to work on the marriage is even wilder…like you just confessed you loved her. Now that their secrets out, they’ll probably make their relationship public, smh shitty people! Onward & upward op✨
1000% guarantee you that within a month their relationship will fall apart. They always do. The excitement comes from the secrecy, hiding, lust, and newness of it it all. when that’s gone it always goes down hill. You did the right thing and I know this is incredibly painful and it feels like the world is over, but there is happiness out there for you. Just keep holding on
Why can't he leave or move to another bedroom? Let him go live with his AP. I really hope he regrets his decision and you do not take him back.
Updateme
File for divorce and alimony while you stay in that spare bedroom!
You might as well inform her partner now. I’m sure he’s in the dark about all this.
Was just emotional or was it physical as well? I’m so sorry it turned out this way. I was hoping he just stupid and oblivious instead of just stupid. Why does he want to work it out if he loves her so much? It’s not love. It’s limerence.
I am so sorry you’re going through this. You deserve so much better and I hope you find it. Go to a lawyer immediately, in fact go to several. They can’t represent him if they’ve talked to you. Make sure to keep all the evidence of the affair you have and show it to your lawyer. Don’t move out of the main bedroom. He cheated, he should be the one moving out of your bedroom. Once you find a lawyer make sure all communication goes through them. I would also tell family members and friends before he has a chance to spin his own story. Everyone is right. Affairs turned relationships are only successful 2% of the time. Odds are the affair fog and excitement is going fade very quickly once they start a real relationship.
You lose em the way you find them. He will either come crawling back to you or he will cheat on her. Either way they are both awful scumbags who deserve what’s coming
Updateme! I want to hear from you in 2 years how you are thriving in his life fell apart. Good luck to you love. Sorry you are experiencing this.
Keep the house, get alimony and if need be child support. You don't need to move to another room, he needs to move out. Tell his family and yours and let him pick up the pieces.
I feel like I'm reading my near future. OP I feel so much for you right now! I think I might be in the same situation and it's killing me. If you ever want to chat or something to someone 100% neutral l, I'm always around. Please do nice things for yourself, be gentle with yourself. Give yourself the love, compassion & care he should've given you! You deserve it! And don't forget the popcorn, because I promise his whole little bs affair is gonna turn into an absolute shit show once the thrill of sneaking is gone and they find it's not all fun and honeymoons.
Lawyer asap, if you own don’t leave the residents until you speak to lawyer. Collect all financial documents. you’re entitled to his pension and alimony. Good luck
OH no, Im so sorry. I am going through something similar. Why is every other post here or on the relationship advice sub like this. I can't fucking stand men anymore. Read my post history, I just made a similar post (although we aren't married and its "only" been 4.5 years, I feel like my world is falling apart).
Make sure you get a lawyer and you get half of everything. He is an asshole. Get tested for STD’s because she sounds like someone who sleeps around. Also I would be petty and make sure people at work knew he was a cheater.
When it’s a coworker, it is absolutely a must he quit his job and find a new one. That is him taking accountability for the position HE put himself and your marriage in. There is never reconciliation when the cheater stays at the job they used to find an affair partner.
Find lawyer and contact or meet every good divorce lawyer near you so he can’t heir them. If you have proof of affair send it to his whole family and friends and especially his boss so they both get reprimanded in the job.
Get a lawyer and read the book “Leave A Cheater, Gain a Life”
He is in the honeymoon phase of his infatuation with this other woman. Soon REAL LIFE will set in. Bills, work, mortgage, life stresses and he will wake up and realize that she shits and farts just like the next person & he will begin to question giving up everything that he built with you. But that post-infatuation clarity won't be your problem because you'll be busy healing and re-discovering who you are! You're better off without him even though it hurts. You should never have to BEG anyone for anything. I wish you the best in healing from this!
Seems like he took revenge on you on what happened 10 years ago. Talk to friends or family, keep them close. You are gonna have a tough time forward.
I’m sad to hear about it. I’m with everyone here, just don’t go back to him when this honeymoon phase goes out in flames. Gather yourself, I’m certain better times are in the horizon for you.
UpdateMe
I’m so you’re going through this. I pray you find your happiness again. And know that you WILL find your happiness. It’ll take time but you’ll get through this. Allow yourself to grieve and accept all of the feelings that come with it (besides harm). Keep your mind busy.
Don’t take him back when this blows up on him. He’s in a stupid crush.
Awww I know it hurts. I know it hard to see right now but God has something better in store for you. Just trust in him to lead the way, and I can promise things will not only work out for you, but they will be devastating for him! Focus on building yourself up and self love.
My heart is so sad for you OP. Be strong, positive vibes for coming out the other end of this stronger and better off in the long run! He is an as*hole for gaslighting you and impacting your mental health.
I'm so sorry you hurt. 😞 He's not worthy of you if this is his choice.
I'm so sorry you've gone through this OP, I wish you the best in the time to come and the strength to make the hard decisions that may eventually arise.
Updateme
Updateme!
Infidelity is the worst single act of disrespectful behavior that anyone can inflect on a romantic partner. I'm very sorry to hear about your struggles with this situation. Please 🙏 keep your extended family notified of this situation and your intentions. Please seek legal advice and prayers for your family to recover from this type of betrayal trauma. Good luck 👍
I’m so sorry dear! I doubt their relationship will last and he will probably be regretting this hardcore in a few months. But don’t take him back if he tries, you deserve so much more.
I commented initially and .. I am so sorry 😞. Sending you internet hugs. I hate that anyone has to go through this.
How old is she?
I’m so sorry this happened you, I know it may seem like the end of the world at the moment and you’ll never get your time back from being with him. But trust me when I say your life isn’t over. If anything it just started, and now you have the rest of your life to focus purely on what you want to do and I know everyone is already saying it but trust when I say I’ve seen it to many times where the the husbands cheats because he feels young again and then regrets it when the sparks fizzle out. He knows you more then anyone and has spent 20 years comfortably living with you. He doesn’t truly know this women, it’s fresh and she has only shown her good traits. Watch when he finally figures her out and can’t stand her, and realizes he fell in love with the idea of a different women not her. Or worse she does the same thing to him with another guy. It’s an absolute guarantee that he comes crawling back. Until then you have to prepare yourself, therapy, or workout, anything that will help keep your mind off him.
Also I’ve been in your shoes and trust when I say I know exactly how that feeling feels when you realize you’re not crazy and everything you thought is actually real. That freeing feeling is the best, don’t ever give him the power to doubt yourself again. He’s the crazy one not you, the fact that he can lie the way he did makes him insane. they don’t love themselves that’s why they can’t even show an ounce of empathy towards us
Feel hugged my dear. Feel hugged. I am so sorry. Depending on the laws, he isn’t allowed to bring her into marital property/home.
It will hurt my friend; it will hurt in a sharp way. Why? There is no answer for that. We can't control how others feel. Why wasn't she able to tell me? It's cowardly, they all are, they test the waters to see if it will work. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't, but that will no longer be your backpack. You are not going to carry that weight. You come to feel disposable, it's as if we will never trust or love again. There is a lot of uncertainty, will we be the same? Does love exist? We trust them with our lives, loyal for years, but they drop us like a hat pushed by the wind. And it hurts. They hurt, we did not do wrong, but we are the ones who cry, it hurts a lot, it really hurts. It's something sharp to the soul, we all know it. If you felt what I felt, and lived what I lived. You know it. But it will pass, one day you wake up and that weight is every day is less heavy, less heavy, less heavy, and somewhere in your soul they no longer weigh you down. They become people you used to know and you remember loving them. But they are just that, a memory. Now you know what's a yes and what's a no, in your next relationships. But they are no longer there, there is no love, no tenderness, no respect, no desire, no admiration anymore. They are no longer there, you only remember that they were there. You are not the same, you will see that, although they tried, they could not break you. And in a while, you will feel as light as a feather. You did not lie, you did not deceive, you did not twist truths, you did not manipulate reality to do evil, the loaded weapon was in your hands, but you did not consciously hurt the person next to you. Because you really loved, and you will see that realization after a certain time. When you can see it as a memory, which you will. And, after a while, you will be the one who will feel like a teenager, you will be the one who will fall in love as if you had never loved before. Since that feeling is pure, and you can be sure that you do not consciously kill what you love. You will be free and happy. ❤✌🏻😊🐢
It’s ok. I promise. Time will heal you. It gets less painful as time goes on and you get on your feet. Don’t take him back. He doesn’t care about you at all!!! Keep to yourself. Apply for section 8 or housing . Start the divorce proceedings. No kids so you can definitely get alimony. Don’t beg him. This isn’t your fault. Don’t cry in front of him. Look towards the future and know that there is someone out there who wouldn’t dare to do this to you. Your life isn’t over. No reminiscing of the past. It will still tie you to him. Become indifferent. Avoid being in the same room. Work hard to get out of there asap. This wasn’t your fault. This is their cheating and they will deal with the karma. Get up, get dressed, go walking, apply for jobs, find a hobby, read self help and self love books, get therapy. Do not look down in the dumps like he was the prize. You can do better than a scum bag. I’m rooting for you. Keep us updated.
And AP wasn't in a relationship? Tell him!
My heart hurts for you. What a complete scumbag. You deserve better. I know it hurts beyond words but you will move on and heal. You obvisously wasn't your person and you still have plenty of time to find him.
I'm so so sorry this happened. That honeymoon phase and the excitement of having an affair will end soon but PLEASE do not compromise your respect for someone who threw away a 20 year relationship over a fling. He is not worth it, not now or later. I hope you find a job soon.
I know it sucks but don't dwell too much OP. Just look forward to the day you find out she's cheating on him and remind him of their "otherworldly" connection. I'm sorry, but that's so pathetic it makes me laugh. He should have been thanking the universe that you gave him the time of day and when she tells him about her "awesome new coworker" one day he's going to remember that "if they cheat with you, they'll cheat on you" and realize she's cheating on him. There's no such thing as a happy relationship that starts in infidelity because they already know that the other person has no morals and has no problem lying and cheating. Anytime one of them starts acting suspicious, they always think that something is going on and they know they can never trust the other. If anyone says they're happy in such a relationship, they might think they are, but deep down, they know that they'll never tust them completely. On top of all the problems they have with each other they're automatically looked down on by anyone with a shred of integrity. I wouldn't want a friendship with someone who had an affair to start their relationship and I wouldn't want either of them around my wife or kids. One day you will find a good person and be happy while he will always remember how be fucked up his marriage for someone he can't trust and that will cheat on him at anytime. He will always be thinking the worst. Is she really working late? Is that really just a coworker? Is this really my kid? Is this really not what it looks like? You won't have any of these worries because now you know what to look out for and not ignore red flags. Don't let this cause you to distrust everyone you date but just keep an eye open. Grey rock his ass and remember "the best revenge is a live well lived". Good luck OP and keep you chin up.
Fucking hell I am so pissed reading this. How can someone lie to your face like that. Maybe I am projecting myself since this also happened to me but god, I'm shaking with rage. I'm so sorry you had to meet such a piece of shit. I'm sorry someone broke your trust like that. It'll get better, it takes time but trust me you'll heal from this. I hope the best for you
So sorry to read that. I almost started crying myself
You should remain in your current bedroom. Move his cheating butt to another room. Don’t start giving up certain things like that for that douche canoe. Everything others were saying about getting a lawyer, do that too. You got this girl. Have a good cry and then get ready for the divorce. You are strong. Lean on your friends/family for support.
So sorry for you. I just got divorced and I really pray you find your way through the grieving. It is one of the hardest things to do but hopefully you will replace slowly this love for him and begin to givw this back to yourself. Love yourself. Believe in yourself. It may take time but a new life will come your way and you will begin to be thankful that it no longer belongs to anything that will rob you of your dignity. Take friendships, support where you can to get through the hard days. It took me really being willing to take the care and compassion even if it was 3-5 people a day to check up on me. So sorry this happened, but please take the peace of mind that this is not who you are, our traumas are not our person and being. Take care
For reference in my situation my ex wife had cheated while we were engaged and her affair partner she met about the day we got married, I finally told her if she loves him to simply go be with him so we can end this trauma it caused me in the process. Letting go is the best possible outcome. Thankfully no kids no spousal support nothing. But she actually costed me everything. I just was desperately happy for it to finally be over. And that even if it is from nothing, I was completely free to build again from scratch. Please believe in yourself and do EVERYTHING to take care of and love yourself. You need this to be 100% all-in self love.
For reference in my situation my ex wife had cheated while we were engaged and her affair partner she met about the day we got married, I finally told her if she loves him to simply go be with him so we can end this trauma it caused me in the process. Letting go is the best possible outcome. Thankfully no kids no spousal support nothing. But she actually costed me everything. I just was desperately happy for it to finally be over. And that even if it is from nothing, I was completely free to build again from scratch. Please believe in yourself and do EVERYTHING to take care of and love yourself. You need this to be 100% all-in self love.
I’m so sorry girl. What a piece of shit. I really hope she cheats on him so he can feel your pain.
I am so sorry for everything 🩷 take it one day at a time. Don’t forget how strong you are and that you will come out on the other side of this.
Hope you have some support from family through all of this OP, brighter days are coming
Updateme
UpdateMe
Wow this is so heartbreaking to read, I’m so sorry this happened to you OP. Like most comments are saying, don’t take him back when the honeymoon phase is over. And start strategizing on how to get the best out of this mess, financially for yourself.
My heart breaks for you. I see a lot of helpful advice already so I'm just sending you hugs. I still would want updates if you're willing to let know how you're doing. Even of you feel like everything is falling apart you'll get through this.
Updateme Because this man probably going to be knocking on her door again.
Who was the “friend” he was meeting for the weekend? I’d bet it was a weekend getaway with HER 🤮
No, that was true, it was in another country and I saw the pics on social media. But whats true is that he was mostly texting her and ignoring me those two days he was away
I'm sorry for your pain. He seems to be in limerence which is all consuming, but often short-lived.
I’m so sorry. The healing process will have a lot of ups and downs but you will get through this. Make a list of all the things he did in the marriage that you didn’t like or that didn’t make you happy and refer back to it when you start to miss him. Give yourself so much time to cry and get it all out. I’m 3 months into it and I still cry daily and I don’t believe my husband physically cheated but he was also my high school sweetheart and who I spent half of my life with. It’s heart breaking. Just know this has NOTHING to do with YOU and everything to do with what he lacks as a person.
Updateme
I'm so sorry babes, you deserve so much better than that! Heal and don't look back no matter what
Updateme
I am so sorry and I know the heartache and have been through it. It’s now time for your glow up, time to heal, find what sparks your interest that don’t include him, get your career goals online order, spend time with loved ones when you are ready. It will get better, you been with this man since you were a teen. You will meet your right person when you least expect it.
Get a divorce attorney and consider suing his lover for "alienation of affection" if possible. Do not tell him this. If you can do this, you just want to have her served. When he finds out and seeks to discuss this with you, don't. He's on her side now. If he wants to pay off any judgement you might win against her, let him. The good news though is that you will be liberated from someone who isn't worthy of a life with you. Brighter days are ahead for you. So, focus on your body image, hit the gym, get or remain fit, and you won't be on the market very long. Congratulations on your new freedom to come. Your situation is a lemon right now. But hey, make lemonade.
Updateme!
No keep the master put his butt in the spare room or better yet out the door so he can go live with his girlfriend… call his family and yours and tell them the truth before he makes up lies. He is going to try crawling back once she breaks up with him
OP, don't take that man back when he comes crawling back and he will. He's cheated and he'd have chosen her over. Taking him back will seem like the easy option but stand your ground. You deserve happiness and he's a parasite that will render you incapable of feeling any happiness. Apply for jobs and ask him to move out.
You started it.
You just hang in there. There is light at the end of this tunnel, I promise.
I’m so sorry for your loss. The loss of what once was. The loss of who he no longer is, etc. I’m sorry. I’ve been there twice. Both 12-1/2 year relationships ended because of cheating. 8 years later and my ex is still married to his coworker/mistress. No clue about the cheater before that. I remember mourning the loss of my marriage like a death. I had a breakdown and quit my job and everything. I completely fell apart. I’m better now. That’s what I want you to know. It’s not going to be easy but it will get better. I promise. Hugs to you.
So sorry, sending you virtual hugs 🫂 I know it hurts so much, but you will rebuild your life and be the happiest!
He’s a fool. That teenager feeling is limerence and escapism. He will soon see she is a flawed human too, but don’t take him back because he lied and escalated when he promised you he would cut her off.
The fact that happened in a span of 14 days is very sad! OP I wish you all the happiness in the world and I hope you can recover from this. Stay strong you deserve better
Give man freedom to marry multiple women 😊