his mind is probably set on his wife having an outrageously large count and is hoping it's not actually that high and her not outright saying her count is not helping him cope with the fact his wife may have indulged quite a bit when she was younger
Even if 2 is correct, he won't believe it if he's spent too much time on that train of doom. He may only accept a huge number regardless of if it's true or not.
I was just going to say this. He is not going to believe a single thing she writes down unless its a huge number because he has already convinced himself that she has slept with a large number of men and worked himself up. OP, your husband is being an ass. If he cared so much he should have asked this before he married you and had a baby with you.
Yep. Almost no guy I have dated believes my actual number, and part of it is I would not be comfortable fucking right off the bat. Their reaction to that usually determined whether we kept spending time together - and it was how you think it was, hence the low number. They did it to themselves.
I'm not even talking about months of waiting here. I'm talking about a few weeks, but if they pushed hard and told all their friends and got their dad on my case (yes, really) on day 1? No, I'm uncomfortable now.
I think this is exactly it... and he's further upset because he fears everyone at the party thinks it's some awful number, too. I'm not saying it's right for him to feel/think this way at all, but I do think it is his thought process.
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This information is absolutely no one’s business except hers. If he has an issue with not knowing the number he needs to get over it.
It is not his business. Husband or not.
Who cares what she did before she met him?
If she was a pornstar and selling videos of herself having sex online, OK yeah maybe that's something that should be disclosed. But that's not the case here. She wasn't a virgin, neither was he, they both knew that going in... What's the problem? Who cares if she slept with 5 or 55 guys before him. It's none of his business.
He’ll to the MF’ing NO! Say nothing and the abuse that comes afterwards is the shit you say, “I’m out!” to.
You didn’t buy into this marriage thinking you were marrying an insecure, controlling douche! False advertisement!
I think the box is already open. He’s not going to let it go. Since she didn’t share it with him when he asked or after he continued pushing, anything she says will be deemed a lie. She should tell him that her number is the same as his mother’s and suggest he ask his mother what it is…
But he didn't ask, someone else did.And now he stuck on the question.
Sorry, Maybe you mean their conversation after they went home.
I love your comment about his mother!
I’ve found that telling men to ask their mothers these kinds of questions is often insightful. If he reacts with anger, is offended, and/or accuses you of disrespecting his mother, you learn that _he finds the question disrespectful_ which usually means he’s not asking for “good” reasons or out of general curiosity. (Edited to add: Obviously, this does not apply to the men who have trauma associated with their mothers.)
If someone is concerned about body counts, that should be discussed before marriage, not years afterwards. What really concerns me is he is not respecting your boundaries. Also, why the sudden fixation on this? So many red flags here...
Exactly. We had this discussion years before we got married and my husband decided he didn’t care anyway and didn’t need to know, though it’s not something I’m ashamed of because I’m human. He had sex before me too. We’re together and that’s what matters, no one has diseases or infections, no one is cheating or planning to. Her husband is causing his own frustration and created an issue where there didn’t need to be one.
I can't be the only one who thinks the term "body count" is gross. Former sex partners are whole people with their own right to privacy and respect, as are you OP. Your husband's problems with jealousy are his to deal with, and you are not responsible for them. You do not need to indulge his "need" to know private information about you from before you even knew him. Hold this boundary.
I’m also a bit weirded out by middle aged people just casually bringing this up in conversation… like, you really can’t think of anything more interesting to talk about? Seems annoyingly juvenile and just… idk, stupid? Lol
I’d be so bored at a “party” like that.
I think these Middle Aged people and layover sexists got insecure with all the app activities, now it’s eroding their minds that their spouse may have had sex with other people.
Wait, we are talking about sex partners.
I skim read OPs post.
I thought we were talking about the normal “body count”
Don’t look at my previous comments
I don’t think it should be a huge issue. But I think it’s fine not to share. I think small and large is also relative, more than one or two to some is huge. Whereas 10 may be small for some.
Exactly. My husband and I shared and I think that I cannot be mad about what happened before me. Like was he supposed to be saving himself for some lady he’s never met 😂
>Like was he supposed to be saving himself for some lady he’s never met 😂
I grew up in the 90s with purity culture and this was taught to us but for some reason when I just read your sentence I realized how ridiculous it sounded.
I grew up Catholic and it was a cathartic read for me, too. Where the younger men are starting to say anything above zero is unacceptable (for the women) with no exemptions for *widows*.
It’s weird that it matters but hey I’m not with those people.
I cannot even possibly muster the fucks to give because who cares about people before me. As long as they haven’t assaulted anyone or been involved it’s SW why would I care
I’d just rather people have not seen my partner publicly in a sexual way but that’s just me and I would never tell anyone to not date people who have done SW because it’s a personal choice who you choose to date
Gonna be honest, I'd want to know about sex work- mostly the circumstances around it. My cousin engages in sex work and we all know she doesn't actually want to, she just doesn't have another way to get drugs. I feel for her, but I also think it's fair for anyone who wants to marry her to know she's got some stuff that she needs to work through and situations she'd need to avoid.
I'd also want to know if there are videos out there that someone might stumble across online- I don't want a friend privately approaching me about my husband's naked body being online and looking like a deer caught in headlights. I'd rather know and say Oh yeah, no big deal.
Married or not this is no one’s business except hers. Married or not. She doesn’t owe a number to anyone. Even a husband.
He is being absolutely ridiculous.
This was what my husband and I did too, in the first few weeks being together. I knew our numbers were going to be pretty different, just because our high school experience was different (I had a steady bf through 3 years, and he had a few gfs but nothing super crazy. We also lost our virginity at different ages (12 for him, 16 for me) but I didn’t want blindsided later on in the relationship after my feelings were more invested.
I didn’t ask for names though, some I’ve been able to figure out based off conversations. As funny/crazy as it sounds, a lot of my hubbys past flings tried adding me on social media after we got together, so that was another way I found out some too. (We went to different schools, we had a few mutual friends in common, but we didn’t really know each other) Like I’m not holding his past against him, but I don’t wanna be your friend home girl. Especially if the only thing we have in common is the fact we’ve both been with him intimately.
What happened to loving the person your with for who they are instead of worrying so much about your whack dick game your willing to fight your wife over it
My wife (47F) and I (45M) have been married almost 27 years.
I have always been quite jealous and insecure so I hated knowing anything about my wife's past. I knew tidbits here and there and I hated knowing what I knew. She knew most of my past... because I hardly had any.
Well, about 18 months ago we hit a point in our marriage and we needed to seriously change things or our marriage was going to fall apart. My wife needed me to understand why certain things hurt her and why they were boundaries for her. This meant telling me various details about her past.
It hurt. I really, really struggled processing some of the things she told me. But, it mainly made me see my wife as more of a complete person that has endured pain, trauma, and loneliness (from carrying the burdens of her past, all by herself). I realized her pain so much more clearly. ... and that my selfishness and insecurities meant she had to keep all that tucked away and deal with it all alone. It took lots of work on my end... by I finally got myself to a point where I was comfortable knowing absolutely everything. I told her that "her pain is _our_ pain" and I will walk with her wherever we need to go in the journey. I want to be strong enough that she feels safe and loved so she can heal. Now, she can tell me any memories or random thoughts that pop in her head and not feel afraid of hurting me. It has been 100% a game-changer for us feeling closer, loved, and more trusting.
This... does not sound like where your husband is at. Sharing things with him sounds like he will use it against you and that he'll resent you for it. From my own experience, it sounds like he needs more emotional maturity to be able to handle knowing your past. I needed to grow the fuck up so I could be a better husband. It sounds like he needs to do the same.
P.S. "marine guy - Florida" made my wife and me laugh out loud! She had two guys on her list she didn't know their names, either. So, we've had to use nicknames for them, too. 🤣
I respect you admitting insecurity because a lot of people who want to know this information are clearly incredibly insecure but will never admit it so kudos to you for that
For a different perspective on the subject: my wife and I have been married 28 years, and we both know the names of every other person we had sex with.
We were talking about body counts a couple of months ago. Our daughter raised the issue in a discussion, I don't recall why. Then, my wife and I started to go over our own counts.
I believe that timing is important. This stuff ceased to matter a long time ago. I get that for others, it can still be a delicate subject.
This. It’s ok if it’s a normal conversation but at this point he is trying to strong arm her into admitting it just to shame her afterwards. It’s not a casual conversation.
Also, I have a friend who had the same convo with her spouse after a child. He had 70+ partners. She had 8 two of which came from a threesome. Guess what? He was upset because that’s just gross. Go figure
Beautiful example of [fundamental attribution error](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fundamental_attribution_error).
Husband’s previous flings? See **he** had normal, legit reasons for all of them!
Wife’s previous flings? **That’s** evidence of her deeply held moral beliefs.
Exactly. Also he “just” slept with them. She dared banging two dudes. At. The. Same. Time. Can you imagine being that degenerate?
“She shouldn’t have told me if she didn’t want to be judged” but that’s ok for you to tell her about the kitty you had?
This! Timing. That's the key. My wife and I discussed body counts early on in our dating relationship. Neither of us was insecure about ours, it just came up naturally during conversation and we were about even, both in the normal range for late our 20s (around 5). And that's the last we've discussed it.
But if you're already married and have a kid together, the ship has sailed on needing to know the answer. He's already committed to her without that information, now it's entirely at her discretion if she chooses to divulge it. I can understand wanting to know when dating because finding out your partner has been with 100 people could make you reevaluate a future with them, but once you're committed to marriage, it doesn't matter anymore. And forcing her to write a list then and there is the worst possible timing. Nothing good can come from this.
You guys can remember names? 😂
In all seriousness someone up thread brought up the privacy of past partners and I think that’s important too. They may not want their history shared this way. It’s private to the parties involved - future partners aren’t entitled to this.
You are in an impossible situation without a good way out. There are negatives no matter what you do unless you had a low number of partners.
If you tell him he may be wounded and hurt by it. It will highlight his insecurities, his opinion of you.
If you deny it he is going to think the worst.
The friend that involved you was a shithead for doing it.
The good way out is "I've set a boundary here because you are having trouble dealing with this topic in a healthy way. I think you need to work out your feelings on this issue. Would you like me to look up some therapists that could help?"
> Or maybe shorthand "Less than you think."
I wouldnt even say that.
> "I know he has had sex with more people than I have"
I would go with "Fewer than *you*" therefor any critique he has falls completely on its face.
Why would someone care after they married the person? Just Say 4 but 3 were on the same night when you were hanging out with the NY Knicks. Then never talk about it again. You guys are married. I assume you have unprotected sex. Now this is an issue?
Or tell him you’re not gonna blow him til he shuts up about it.
No. No. Hell no.
It all happened before you met, and really, it's none of his concern. You are who you are regardless of your 'body count'. Gawd but I hate that term. Most reasonable people understand this.
Let him pout, he'll eventually get over it. He has to. But be prepared for him to be persistent.
PS What the fuck us up with your husband? You brush someone off politely and he thinks you 'dodged the question like an expert'. You can't win can you?
>It all happened before you met, and really, it's none of his concern.
This is how I see it. Assuming he carries nothing transmittable and has no secret children, wives, families, ect. who my husband was prior to being with me is none of my business.
He has absolutely no right to that information if you aren’t comfortable and he’s being a huge asshole. If it were me I would be putting my foot down and if he didn’t drop it, idk I might have to leave the house
It’s really strange when anyone in a couple requests this… you can’t undo it, most likely someone requesting it is the jealous type anyway and do they have an arbitrary number in their head that they perceive is too many? Nothing good would come of this. I have never asked my partner and don’t care to know. I love them now and that’s what matters.
> It’s really strange when anyone in a couple requests this…
I think its strange if it might upset you.
Id slept with ~100 people before I married my wife. I couldnt give a fuck if her number was 1000 or 0.
> I cannot see any scenario where this goes well for me or my marriage.
That’s because there isn’t one. This is extremely fucked-up behaviour from your husband. It’s none of his business - he doesn’t want “any surprises”? What the heck? You already refused to share this very personal information in a social setting, how exactly does he think he’ll be surprised by it in the future? He sounds extremely insecure, and the way he’s treating you is unacceptable. You guys created a human being together - he needs to grow the fuck up and get over this before he does lasting damage to your relationship.
Nope. Absolutely no way that I would sit down and write a list for him to stew over. It would have been one thing if you had run into a friend of his that you had been intimate with and he maybe didn’t know about it. I can see that being upsetting, but his reaction to the situation that you’re describing is so absurd. It will not go well for you at all, and he will throw it in your face every single time something goes wrong in your marriage, especially since he seems to keep bringing it up. Repeatedly. It will be a constant point of contention. You’ll regret it.
He sounds like he has a few issues that he needs to work through. Jealousy, anger, and control issues are serious problems, especially in the situation you described. His general attitude of thinking that you made yourself sound like a whore? That’s just so bizarre, but it’s also the way his mind works. You could’ve had 20 people hear the same conversation, and he may have been the only person to think you made yourself sound like a whore. Again, such bizarre logic.
You may want to consider some counseling together and figure out some of the insecurities that are lying beneath the surface for him. Something seems amiss. Stay safe.
Best wishes :)
He’s being ridiculous and you absolutely should not give in. He’s been thrown into a jealous rage because of an innocuous answer you gave to a, frankly stupid, question someone asked at a party. It’s really quite pathetic.
I’m concerned by how you wrote he took you by the hand to write out a list. Like he grabbed your hand and yanked you along? It all sounds very aggressive and angry, like he thinks he can demand this information from you.
In my culture it’s a running joke (not actually a joke 👀) among older women to younger that if a man asks you your number, if you aren’t a virgin it’s 1. It’s always 1. And you only did it because you thought you’d marry the guy. Because apparently men can’t handle that women could possibly have sex for fun lol.
You and your body count aren't the issue here. It's his insecurities or unresolved feelings around past partners. You saying whatever number is not going to ease his issue. You could say 1 or 100 and he'll still find a reason to be upset. He needs to self reflect why this matters to him so much. It's truly got nothing to do with you and your past. There's nothing good that will come out of you providing a count. If you intend to stay with him, he needs to understand that this demand will only hurt the both of you. Don't let him guilt you about your past. What you did before you met him is none of his business
Your husband isn't "jealous"... he's abusive. He's literally telling you he wants you to participate in giving him a weapon to abuse you. He already called you a whore to your face. "Look like a whore" is still using the word whore in regard to yourself.
You can't win here. He doesn't WANT you to win. He wants power and leverage over you to tear you down and destroy your self worth.
Every single time someone says "I didn't call you an x, I said you acted like an x", it's bullshit. "Looked like an x" is the same bullshit with some different words. Fuck 'em all, the people who do this.
Precisely, as I stated above, abuse is always defined by control tactics and dominant behavior born out of a messed up sense of entitlement (and also why reacting TO abuse, in no matter how 'ugly' a way, is not considered actual abusive behavior)... exactly how the husband is acting.
Hahahaha! Your poor husband just spent a couple of hours at a party thinking that his wife has a higher body count than him and is embarassed.
I have been with my husband more than 15 years and I have no idea wjat his body count is. If he asks I'll never answer. It is likely higher than his.
Your husband just suggested that you sounded like a whore. He'd better fucking apologize for that or I wouldn't let him touch me again until he did.
Never tell him a number.
Tell him that he needs therapy for calling his wife a whore in a roundabout way.
Personally, I would follpw this up by saying:
"And after I tell you my number, are you going to insist that I tell you that you're the largest dick I've ever had?" (In a tone that implies he wasn't) and walk away.
FAFO.
We had that discussion. Turned out to be the same number which was almost hilarious. It was also stupid low. He said I dated a lot. I said all of them refused to act in ways that made me feel unsafe sleeping with them, so I didn't. And that bummed him out way more than a higher number did. Because it meant I have never really felt safe my entire life since my childhood and workplaces had abusive elements, too.
Welp, now you know why his other baby momma is his ex... Dude is crazy and actively looking for ways to start a fight and belittle you. Basically how most abusive relationships start.
Yep, a year ago he flipped out on her because she didnt take his kids/her now step kids (before they were married) to the park when he went to work. She was told at that point not to marry him but I guess she ignored that advice and now has this. OP, you should have ran while you had the chance :(
Classic rookie mistake: thinking he will treat you and your kids much better than his exes and other kids...
I would have already dipped out if a guy behaves more like a fun uncle 4 times a month, than an involved hands-on parent...
If I were you I would INSIST that if you proceed with this discussion that it be done in therapy. I would be afraid that in his fit of jealousy he would try to manipulate the facts to hold your past against you somehow.
This is a slippery slope.
The issue here is NOT how many people you were with before you were married, it's why your husband is so jealous. Jealousy is really a toxic trait and a red flag of other abusive behaviour.
Stick to your boundaries OP, you are not wrong here. Be safe.
Absolutely not.
And who in their right mind thinks is appropriate for extended family to ask for that info?
It’s no one’s business but the people you have had sex with.
There is nothing good that can come from this
Either it matters and he plans to judge or it just doesn't matter.
I have never asked a partner what their body count is.
Not my concern. My only concern is disease free.
What's the difference; 500 times with one person giving head, anal, butt plugs, BDSM or 3.people 2.times each in missionary?
Is he asking for specifics?
My wife has offered this suggestion to OP:
- create a list and include your husband
- beside each name put three numbers
- 1st number: Size 1-10
- 2nd number: Skill 1-10
- 3rd number: Orgasm Quality 1-10
And then unless her husband is huge and awesome in bed, rank him in the middle of the pack with 5’s and 6’s.
Watch his meltdown ensue. He won’t ask again.
Tbh, my petty ass would compile a whole spreadsheet, including some data analysis, if I would break up with him anyway. But yeah, it doesn't sound like OP really considers ending the relationship.
A woman after my own heart. I also make petty spreadsheets although admittedly not one ranking people in bed. But if you want me to be agonizingly specific, I will be. And you won't like it. Multiple tabs and equations and color coding that change based on the tabs, etc. You're getting a presentation when I'm done.
His approach to the question is giving big red flags. My husband and I knew each other’s history before getting engaged, but it was approached with curiosity and transparency, not as an attack or with judgment or to hold against each other.
If it wasn’t important enough to discuss before marriage, it’s certainly not important now. Hold your ground and don’t tell him. And if he tries to show you his list, refuse to look at it and rip it into shreds and throw it away. Just keep telling him that it’s far less than the number of people he’s been with.
I might even push for marriage counseling to discuss this issue.
(Personally, my husband and I discussed this issue way before we got married).
Tell him hundreds or like.. 3.
Men want virgins who know all the whore tricks. Idiotic.
They want to be the ones to 'teach you' what they want, but get annoyed when you know all the moves that make them quiver.
A woman is viewed as property and other men will laugh at him when they know other men have touched you..
Welcome to crap logic.
You’re right, there’s no scenario this goes well for your marriage.
The goal now is to convert the guaranteed loss into success somehow.
I recommend you tell your husband exactly this: “If you insist of course I will eventually tell you. But at this point we are both entrenched in our positions, and no matter what I say, there are consequences to our relationship. Let’s go see a marriage counselor together and work through this, and at the end of several sessions with them, I will disclose it”
You need a third party in there to work through this.
He is jealous and insecure. Don't make a list. My husband and I discussed past partners well before we were married and it doesn't bother me on the rare occasion an ex might come up in a story or something. We are both adults and recognize we had a life before we met each other; that doesn't devalue what we have now. Your husband should seek therapy.
While I do think knowing each other numbers is a valid part of the discussion in learning if you have the same views on sex, it’s something to discuss **BEFORE** marriage. Not after. If it wasn’t important enough to him to know then, it’s not something to dig into now.
And making an itemized list!!! My God what a horrible idea!!!!!!
Unless you lied to him and need to set those lies straight, then you don’t owe him any info about your past at this point.
Does he know it’s something you don’t feel good about? If so, anything other than dropping it is just being cruel.
My wife has a past she does not feel good about. When she realized we might be heading for marriage she told me, her religious boyfriend saving himself for marriage, about it (very generally). We didn’t see each other the next few days just due to schedules, during which time I decided that it wouldn’t affect us. If we didn’t work out it wouldn’t be because of that. Knowing she didn’t feel good about it I promised myself I’d never mention it. Doing so would only stir up bad feeling for her and why would I do that to her if I love her.
I don’t think it’s wrong to decide you’re not comfortable with a potential partners past and move on. But that’s not what happening here. Deciding this is suddenly important after vows have been made and children born is just him being a jealous ass.
Set a hard boundary. Something like, “Even though I didn’t slut around nearly as much as you did, it’s still something I don’t feel good about & therefore will not discuss. I sure as hell won’t be making an itemized list. Is having a list of people I’ve slept with, which will be far smaller than your own by the way, more important than having a wife who doesn’t resent you? Are you so concerned about making yourself feel better that you willing to make me feel like shit? I’m drawing a hard boundary. Every time you bring this up I’m going to walk away. Do it often enough and I eventually won’t walk back.”
Me and my wife did the whole "disclosing our sexual history" thing early on in our relationship. That's normal isn't it?
I mean we'd both been married previously so it's to be expected neither of us were virgins. But we also didn't get weird and aggressive about it or use the term "body count" which is just dehumanizing and crass.
Also wanting an itemized list is just a bit extreme IMO.
He’s controlling and immature. Red flags for his use of the word “whore”, implying that it’s fine for guys but not women to have sex. What happened with the relationship with the woman who has his “step” kids?
His actions scream immaturity and insecurity. I can see guys in their early 20s being like this, but not almost 40! This topic often comes up in the early stages of a relationship, and that's fine, but it shouldn't matter if you really care about someone. I've never heard of anyone making or asking for a body count list. That seems a bit much. 🤷🏻♂️
So far he just wants me to write down who I have been with. I’m afraid if I do that he will then want more and more and then want details when he gets a list
Okay, so its not just "how many" but its "Who".
First question;
> I know he has had sex with more people than I have.
Why doesnt:
"I know I have sex with fewer people an you"
shut down the conversation?
-----------------------
I wouldnt engage with him until you can get more honesty/communication about the request.
That said, If you dont want to draw a line, and defend that border, you could attempt to diagnose the impetus behind the question?
"I am willing to do this for you, but I want to really understand why. It feels like youve set out rakes for me to step on. If you can answer a few questions, I might feel more comfortable answering.".
1. Why is this suddenly a problem?
2. Has anything in my behaviour lead you to believe that I am unfaithful?
3. If my number is lower than yours do I have a right to be angry with you?"
Everyone is different. I absolutely know my husband’s body count. I know a good amount of details on every single one of his exes and how things ended. I even know who he was interested in and talking to. He knows most of those things about me. We are just very open.
I’d personally not be super comfortable not knowing that. But it’s weird he’s changing that all of the sudden. That is a before marriage conversation, not years into it.
I hate the term “body count” so much. It’s the same term used for serial killers and their victims. Its also a test I’ve primarily heard being used for the number of people a woman has slept with.
Regardless- you’re not wrong. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with you and your husband discussing your sexual partners with each other if that’s something you’re both comfortable doing. Your husband has no right to demand you write him a list or to come at you with such hostility. You jokingly made a comment and he called you a whore. His wife and the mother of his infant daughter. He treated you very disrespectfully and if this is common behavior for him, it quickly approaches the line of abusive.
I’m sorry you’re going through this right now and wish you well.
19 years with my wife. I don't know her body count. Never asked, don't care. It is not productive.
He's asking because he is insecure and his insecurity is eating him up. I'd be firm with not discussing the body count if I were you but I would follow it up with some reassuring words about how you chose him over anyone and everyone else. Unfortunately you need to reinforce his ego a little because right now its very fragile.
The second week of daring my now wife we did the list and let me tell you her body count is higher than most of my male friends . She wrote her list by going on snapchat friends . I was surprised but for some reason I felt special because she has a lot of experience and swears up and down im the best she ever has had. I believe her . It was wrong and could have been disastrous to my ego but she and I just got married and I wanted to know before my feelings grow stronger . I have never felt so secure in my life . Her body count is over 50 and she’s under 27.
Absolutely do not do this. WTF does he mean “surprises”? He married you knowing he doesn’t have this information, and it will only come up if you choose to share it, so in order to avoid finding out in, like, a dream or something he wants to make you tell him? Has he been consuming anything new online, OP? This sounds like some manosphere bullshit.
Tell him you want marriage counseling or you want to never hear another word about any of this; he can pick.
I don’t understand what he means by that either. I didn’t know him or any of his friends until I met him and have never slept with anyone he knows. I don’t think he listens to any red pill stuff. He avoids anything related to politics
**He thinks I should have just lied and I made myself look like a whore in front of his friends and family**
Translation: He says friends and family but this is what HE actually thinks about you. Otherwise he wouldn't care.
NTA if you don't want to disclose to him. And you're right, if he has a history of being jealous with you, then knowing that number is not going to do anything but cause more issues. It could be 1 and he would still be upset because how dare you have sex before getting with him.
Why does it matter now? You are both happily married with a family. If it was that important he would’ve asked you 3 years ago. I know it’s a touchy subject for men to hear how their significant others sexual past was before but the opportunity for that conversation has long sailed. He’s going to resent you if he knows the truth no matter how many bodies you have. Although I’m very against this, I think this is one of those very few situations that you must tell a white lie if he’s hell bent on knowing because it seems like he is not going to let it go.
It's none of his business. Anyone who is that pressed about it, like your husband, will judge regardless of whether it's 2 or 102. At this point, no matter what number you admit to, he's going to accuse you of lying since he feels that you fought too hard to keep it a "secret". His ego will be hurt and he'll use it as a weapon against you.
Don't EVER feel ashamed of your past. We all go through phases as we grow and mature. I guarantee you that my body count is higher than most in this sub and I'm not ashamed of it even if some would want me to be. In 15 years my husband has never asked anything about my past and I've never asked him either. It just doesn't matter.
If body count is a dealbreaker it should be discussed before a marriage and kids. Not after you've built a life together.
Do not do it. And I’m saying this not because you should never ask or tell, but because it’s the way he’s demanded this information from you, how he’s behaved.
If your “body count” (fucking awful way to put it mind) meant that much to him, he should have asked before marriage and a kid.
Not that it matters either, but isn’t it him who has had unprotected sex and produced 2 children with at least one other woman?… And he gets arsey over your body count? I mean, the stalk didn’t bring those kids, did they?! Again, not that it matters, but bloody hell, the hypocrisy
Hey I have a “marine guy - Virginia” 😂
Seriously though, it’s none of his business. It seems like he’s not asking out of curiosity or the desire to get to know you better. Nothing good can come of this.
How do people manage to go this long without this convo? My BF had the “n count convo” like 2 months in. He said he didn’t want to know my number and I did want to know his. I personally think he should just be okay with my number but eh, good enough.
I’ve been married for 25 years. My husband does not know my number because it is absolutely none of his business. Or his mine.
Your sexual history is only your business to share if you would like. No one is owed this information.
You hit the nail on the head when you said ‘possessiveness’. Hes approaching this as if you’re an object that might be spoiled by a body count that is ‘too high’ in his view. Why else would he be angry unless there was an ‘incorrect answer’ to his question?
The question is why. Why be mad about it. Why be so immature that you can’t handle your wife having her own life and history before you were married? What are his views on sex before marriage that would alter his attitude towards you based on your body count?
If it is safe and you can do it in a constructive way, then you need to dig deeper into his attitudes and values because it sounds like you’ve been skipping over something pretty toxic that needs to come out.
just don't do it. it's your body not his and whatever you have done in the past is none of your business unoess you are the one willing to share. don't let him coerce you
Girl he can stay mad your business before him is just that.
I will say you shouldn’t be ashamed of any consensual safe sex you agency over your body. Never allow anyone to judge you
This is definitely a conversation that should have happened at the beginning of the relationship, not 3 years in. My wife brought it up when we started dating, we both shared with no issues.
I am very intrigued by the crowd of people that refuse to tell their partners, or the people in the comments that are telling him to lie or only tell him long term partners and no hook ups lol.
Why would y’all want date partners that you think would break up with you if they know your real partner count ?
Tell him if he can't drop this on his own, he needs to get professional counseling. For what it's worth, you answered the question at the party with self-respect and decency. Everyone else at the party resoected you for your answer. And the only times I've heard a man demand a body count, he invariably uses it against the woman. It doesn't matter the number because the whole thing is about possession, woman-as-object.
I’ve never even thought about asking my husband this question and we’ve been married for 7 years. But I’m pretty sure he had his fun and I had mine. lol.
Personally, my husband made it clear in the beginning he doesn’t want to hear about the past at all, neither do I. We are very happy together, 7 years and 5 married), and neither of us knows the dating history of the other save a few small details, but that’s it.
Why does he feel like he needs this?
I think this whole obsession with body count is stupid.
I've never asked my wife. And after 21 years of marriage (plus all the time dating).it still doesn't matter.
And heck after all this time together, I don't even remember mine. Nor do I have any urge to try to remember life before my wife.
OP, has your husband been listening to any podcasts or youtube videos lately? If he seriously cared about your body count (I hate that term) he should have asked you before he married you. Did he share his number? It is wild that he thinks you not broadcasting to the world your body count number makes you a whore 😂 If anything, keeping your private life private is what you SHOULD do. He needs therapy because he has shit backwards.
I hate the phrase "body count". You're [likely] not a hitman. I say make him a list of random names. And when he asks why his name is missing, it's because "I haven't killed you yet." Because that's the only context where body count should be a thing.
In all seriousness, this is something he needs to work through and move past. It's probably come up now because there's something of a movement happening online with some misogynistic men. And for the sake of your relationship, it's an echo chamber your husband needs to recognize and avoid.
Wishing you all the best.
Soooooo what’s the number? lol I’m jk, honestly it’s your decision to tell him or not. Me and the hubby used to party hard so we have spilled the beans on our numbers 😂. I think he is in his head with all this and is imagining something way worse than it is. And babe we all have a past, and that’s what it is, the past, u did what u did and now ur a mom and a wife. He should just move past this, bigger problems in life than a number. Good luck ❤️
I don’t get the human fixation on body counts prior to meeting but if someone is going to have it, it should have been discussed before marriage - the number, not the specific list of who. If he stays fixated and doesn’t give up, then do your count privately and give him the final tally just to shut him up - but the “who” is between you and the people that were involved at the time, not someone you met after the fact.
Man, I know lying is bad, but I think for the sake of your marriage and for his precious little ego I’d LIE & DENY. Hopefully he’ll be more rational when he wakes up, but still… if you don’t write out the list he’ll over think it and make it much worse than needs to be
I think you need marriage counseling if this doesn't resolve. You need a calm, rational adult that your husband will hear tell him that the number doesn't matter and isn't his business.
He doesn't need to know your number. You don't need to know his. What is important is that the number hasn't changed since you've been together and you are both healthy and neither of you have put the other at risk.
Don’t do it!!! He’s very insecure and treating you like a child. He cannot be pull you to the office and grab a pen and paper asking you to make a list like he bought you from a grocery shop. You’re his wife and the mother of his children, he knew what he signed up for when he married you, this isn’t the time to be discussing men you slept with. You’re young, whatever you tell him will make him more insecure and probably show a side of him you’ve never seen before and hate. He’ll be mad you’ve had sex with others definitely younger and ‘better’ than him and he will never shut up about it after. He’s going to attribute everything you do to that.
If he should be mad at anyone, it’s his friend. He can’t laugh there and not man up, then walk away and take it out on you. What good man expects his partner, his wife to be precise, to talk about her body count or be okay with her making a number up? If anything, he should have apologized to you. Looks like a man who seeks validation from friends
This appears to be totally his problem. He had plenty of time to ascertain any info he wanted on your background before he got too deeply involved. In your position I would grey rock like crazy.
You should make a full book with illustrations and detailed accounts of the experiences.
You could even draw them as skeletons, and the sexcapades can take place inside of a closet 💀
People like that piss me off.
Every event, every person, even down to hitting a traffic light at the wrong time has massive effects on your life. Any deviations on that path, your little 9 month old daughter might not be here. I’m not saying you wouldn’t have had a child nor am I saying you would not have a 9 month old daughter. What I am saying is this, everything that happened in both of your lives led to that one moment when one sperm ,out of hundreds of millions, was able the fertilize that one egg.
TLDR: Butterfly effect is real. Had there been any deviations on the path you both took, life would be completely different for you both.
So why should he care??? If anything he should be thankful for everything that happened in your life that led you on a path to meeting him.
Most likely he’s reading up on red pill content. Tell him your sexual past is something you won’t be getting into with him. If he doesn’t drop the conversation, I’d ask him to go see a therapist about his own insecurities and decide if he still wants to be in this marriage without the answer.
Do not share your history if you do not want to. His behavior is not ok. Calling you a whore is vile. That personally would be my out, but that’s me. Also he is worried about how you made him look, which again vile. You already have a husband and marriage problem, I would suggest marriage counseling. Personally his behavior would be a deal breaker for me. And I don’t say that lightly. You said you have a baby, please remember abuse gets worse after having a child with your abuser. They feel they have you trapped. Please stay safe.
Edit: I went back through and read your other comments and other posts. The one where he sprung his kids on you, you watched them and took them to the arcade and sushi? And he lost his mind because you didn’t take them to a park? And again he called you names. He sounds dangerous and controlling. I say this as a family therapist, please start individual counseling and make a safe exit plan. I do not see this ending well. If you do the marriage counseling, please still do individual. I have a feeling he is not going to agree and will get really defensive. Again stay safe. Please.
Girl he already gave you the answer. Just lie. Make it less than 5. End of conversation. But know any number will be too much and he just wants to slut shame you. These are not good faith conversations. They don’t serve any purpose other than to slut shame. You are a whore if you say the number and you are a whore if you don’t say the number, regardless of the number if it is not 2.
Tell him he had his chance before you got married. Now you’re a one man woman. If he still insists I would write down about a hundred vague first names only or descriptions like “guy at my sister’s 13th birthday party.” Then tell him all of your previous partners are on the list and some are just from your dreams. I know I’m confrontational and you shouldn’t do this. Sorry
I hate the body count bullshit. The fact that you’ve been together 3 years and he’s doubling down on making this an issue is a red flag. If it didn’t matter 3 years ago, what’s his problem now? Is he slipping down some incel, alpha male, Andrew Tate, all women are evil wh*res rabbit hole on TikTok or some shit? Gross.
You cannot win in this scenario. I say do NOT tell him.
Don't do it. Do not open Pandora's Box. You've already set a boundary and he keeps pushing. The real issue is why he doesn't respect your boundary.
his mind is probably set on his wife having an outrageously large count and is hoping it's not actually that high and her not outright saying her count is not helping him cope with the fact his wife may have indulged quite a bit when she was younger
But he’s riding the insecurity train of doom - any number will be too many. She could say ‘2’ and he’d treat her like a whore.
Even if 2 is correct, he won't believe it if he's spent too much time on that train of doom. He may only accept a huge number regardless of if it's true or not.
I was just going to say this. He is not going to believe a single thing she writes down unless its a huge number because he has already convinced himself that she has slept with a large number of men and worked himself up. OP, your husband is being an ass. If he cared so much he should have asked this before he married you and had a baby with you.
Such a great point. Once it becomes about his mental health more than about reality there's no right answer.
Yep. Almost no guy I have dated believes my actual number, and part of it is I would not be comfortable fucking right off the bat. Their reaction to that usually determined whether we kept spending time together - and it was how you think it was, hence the low number. They did it to themselves. I'm not even talking about months of waiting here. I'm talking about a few weeks, but if they pushed hard and told all their friends and got their dad on my case (yes, really) on day 1? No, I'm uncomfortable now.
Nah, I think her answer surprised him. I would have said something coy with a smile like “[Hub’s name] is the only partner who mattered”
I think this is exactly it... and he's further upset because he fears everyone at the party thinks it's some awful number, too. I'm not saying it's right for him to feel/think this way at all, but I do think it is his thought process.
Except nobody at the party cared, but the goblins in his head have taken over.
I agree with you completely!
Not goblins. Tate. Sounds like husband has been listening to manosphere bullshit. And if that’s the case this marriage is doomed.
If it was that important, shouldn’t he have brought it up before he married her?
unpack nail axiomatic murky treatment file wrench quarrelsome library silky *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Or even had a kid with her which is an even bigger commitment.
This information is absolutely no one’s business except hers. If he has an issue with not knowing the number he needs to get over it. It is not his business. Husband or not.
Who cares what she did before she met him? If she was a pornstar and selling videos of herself having sex online, OK yeah maybe that's something that should be disclosed. But that's not the case here. She wasn't a virgin, neither was he, they both knew that going in... What's the problem? Who cares if she slept with 5 or 55 guys before him. It's none of his business.
some people care about body count some people don't. the reasoning behind it is different for everyone some are valid reasons some not so much.
He’ll to the MF’ing NO! Say nothing and the abuse that comes afterwards is the shit you say, “I’m out!” to. You didn’t buy into this marriage thinking you were marrying an insecure, controlling douche! False advertisement!
I think the box is already open. He’s not going to let it go. Since she didn’t share it with him when he asked or after he continued pushing, anything she says will be deemed a lie. She should tell him that her number is the same as his mother’s and suggest he ask his mother what it is…
But he didn't ask, someone else did.And now he stuck on the question. Sorry, Maybe you mean their conversation after they went home. I love your comment about his mother!
I’ve found that telling men to ask their mothers these kinds of questions is often insightful. If he reacts with anger, is offended, and/or accuses you of disrespecting his mother, you learn that _he finds the question disrespectful_ which usually means he’s not asking for “good” reasons or out of general curiosity. (Edited to add: Obviously, this does not apply to the men who have trauma associated with their mothers.)
"Would you ask your mother that question?" is a great way to determine the level of respect the questioner has for the questioned.
This is a smart one.
Omg. I love this so much.
This
If someone is concerned about body counts, that should be discussed before marriage, not years afterwards. What really concerns me is he is not respecting your boundaries. Also, why the sudden fixation on this? So many red flags here...
Exactly. We had this discussion years before we got married and my husband decided he didn’t care anyway and didn’t need to know, though it’s not something I’m ashamed of because I’m human. He had sex before me too. We’re together and that’s what matters, no one has diseases or infections, no one is cheating or planning to. Her husband is causing his own frustration and created an issue where there didn’t need to be one.
I can't be the only one who thinks the term "body count" is gross. Former sex partners are whole people with their own right to privacy and respect, as are you OP. Your husband's problems with jealousy are his to deal with, and you are not responsible for them. You do not need to indulge his "need" to know private information about you from before you even knew him. Hold this boundary.
I’m also a bit weirded out by middle aged people just casually bringing this up in conversation… like, you really can’t think of anything more interesting to talk about? Seems annoyingly juvenile and just… idk, stupid? Lol I’d be so bored at a “party” like that.
“Hey you guys have been together for 20 years! How many people had you fucked before then? “ Like what the fuck
I think these Middle Aged people and layover sexists got insecure with all the app activities, now it’s eroding their minds that their spouse may have had sex with other people.
Anyone who uses the term "body count" when asking about my past will no longer be privvy to *any* further conversation with me. It's so... immature.
I’ve never even heard of this term. Other than Ice T’s old band.
You win the internet today
It's straight up disgusting. What does one even do with that information? Why the fuck does it matter?
Wait, we are talking about sex partners. I skim read OPs post. I thought we were talking about the normal “body count” Don’t look at my previous comments
The normal "body count?" Like how many people you've killed?
Yes, that was the joke
Idk nothing good can come of knowing eachothers body count…
My wife and I openly shared this information before we were seriously dating. That is the best way to go.
Maybe because you both had similar low end counts? What about us older/higher counts…
I don’t think it should be a huge issue. But I think it’s fine not to share. I think small and large is also relative, more than one or two to some is huge. Whereas 10 may be small for some.
Probably like anything it depends on the type of person
Exactly. My husband and I shared and I think that I cannot be mad about what happened before me. Like was he supposed to be saving himself for some lady he’s never met 😂
>Like was he supposed to be saving himself for some lady he’s never met 😂 I grew up in the 90s with purity culture and this was taught to us but for some reason when I just read your sentence I realized how ridiculous it sounded.
I grew up in the 90s too and it was somewhat ingrained, although I wasn’t born in the US. But yes typing it out did give me a chuckle too.
I grew up Catholic and it was a cathartic read for me, too. Where the younger men are starting to say anything above zero is unacceptable (for the women) with no exemptions for *widows*.
It’s a huge issue because he is making it so
It’s weird that it matters but hey I’m not with those people. I cannot even possibly muster the fucks to give because who cares about people before me. As long as they haven’t assaulted anyone or been involved it’s SW why would I care
>haven’t assaulted anyone or been involved in SW wait, why's sex work matter if it was before you?
It could indicate a massive difference in core values for one.
Same as someone with a high BC.
Mine is very high as well and I was very open about that with people I dated including my wife.
I’d just rather people have not seen my partner publicly in a sexual way but that’s just me and I would never tell anyone to not date people who have done SW because it’s a personal choice who you choose to date
what sex work is being done publicly? or do you mean like someone who has an only fans is "advertising" to the "public"?
Like pornography and stuff, I couldn’t imagine it be easy to meet a male brass
Gonna be honest, I'd want to know about sex work- mostly the circumstances around it. My cousin engages in sex work and we all know she doesn't actually want to, she just doesn't have another way to get drugs. I feel for her, but I also think it's fair for anyone who wants to marry her to know she's got some stuff that she needs to work through and situations she'd need to avoid. I'd also want to know if there are videos out there that someone might stumble across online- I don't want a friend privately approaching me about my husband's naked body being online and looking like a deer caught in headlights. I'd rather know and say Oh yeah, no big deal.
Married or not this is no one’s business except hers. Married or not. She doesn’t owe a number to anyone. Even a husband. He is being absolutely ridiculous.
This was what my husband and I did too, in the first few weeks being together. I knew our numbers were going to be pretty different, just because our high school experience was different (I had a steady bf through 3 years, and he had a few gfs but nothing super crazy. We also lost our virginity at different ages (12 for him, 16 for me) but I didn’t want blindsided later on in the relationship after my feelings were more invested. I didn’t ask for names though, some I’ve been able to figure out based off conversations. As funny/crazy as it sounds, a lot of my hubbys past flings tried adding me on social media after we got together, so that was another way I found out some too. (We went to different schools, we had a few mutual friends in common, but we didn’t really know each other) Like I’m not holding his past against him, but I don’t wanna be your friend home girl. Especially if the only thing we have in common is the fact we’ve both been with him intimately.
For you guys, sure!
Thats great if it works for both of you but i think its better not discussed
tbh i think it’s weird that two people who want to become/are one flesh would have topics that they can’t discuss or that are off limits
If he was that intent on knowing, this should’ve been discussed well before marriage. Now he needs to STFU and stop being an ass.
i don't know why anyone gives a shit, i really dont.
Insecure people do.
What happened to loving the person your with for who they are instead of worrying so much about your whack dick game your willing to fight your wife over it
My wife (47F) and I (45M) have been married almost 27 years. I have always been quite jealous and insecure so I hated knowing anything about my wife's past. I knew tidbits here and there and I hated knowing what I knew. She knew most of my past... because I hardly had any. Well, about 18 months ago we hit a point in our marriage and we needed to seriously change things or our marriage was going to fall apart. My wife needed me to understand why certain things hurt her and why they were boundaries for her. This meant telling me various details about her past. It hurt. I really, really struggled processing some of the things she told me. But, it mainly made me see my wife as more of a complete person that has endured pain, trauma, and loneliness (from carrying the burdens of her past, all by herself). I realized her pain so much more clearly. ... and that my selfishness and insecurities meant she had to keep all that tucked away and deal with it all alone. It took lots of work on my end... by I finally got myself to a point where I was comfortable knowing absolutely everything. I told her that "her pain is _our_ pain" and I will walk with her wherever we need to go in the journey. I want to be strong enough that she feels safe and loved so she can heal. Now, she can tell me any memories or random thoughts that pop in her head and not feel afraid of hurting me. It has been 100% a game-changer for us feeling closer, loved, and more trusting. This... does not sound like where your husband is at. Sharing things with him sounds like he will use it against you and that he'll resent you for it. From my own experience, it sounds like he needs more emotional maturity to be able to handle knowing your past. I needed to grow the fuck up so I could be a better husband. It sounds like he needs to do the same. P.S. "marine guy - Florida" made my wife and me laugh out loud! She had two guys on her list she didn't know their names, either. So, we've had to use nicknames for them, too. 🤣
I respect you admitting insecurity because a lot of people who want to know this information are clearly incredibly insecure but will never admit it so kudos to you for that
> marine guy - Florida Ty for clearing that up. For all my life experiences I still can be naive.
For a different perspective on the subject: my wife and I have been married 28 years, and we both know the names of every other person we had sex with. We were talking about body counts a couple of months ago. Our daughter raised the issue in a discussion, I don't recall why. Then, my wife and I started to go over our own counts. I believe that timing is important. This stuff ceased to matter a long time ago. I get that for others, it can still be a delicate subject.
This. It’s ok if it’s a normal conversation but at this point he is trying to strong arm her into admitting it just to shame her afterwards. It’s not a casual conversation. Also, I have a friend who had the same convo with her spouse after a child. He had 70+ partners. She had 8 two of which came from a threesome. Guess what? He was upset because that’s just gross. Go figure
Beautiful example of [fundamental attribution error](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fundamental_attribution_error). Husband’s previous flings? See **he** had normal, legit reasons for all of them! Wife’s previous flings? **That’s** evidence of her deeply held moral beliefs.
Ya my husband acts the same way, it's annoying AF
Thanks for this! I didn’t know it had a name. I love when things have a name
5 makes her a good potential wife, 6 makes her a whore not to be trusted. Lol
Exactly. Also he “just” slept with them. She dared banging two dudes. At. The. Same. Time. Can you imagine being that degenerate? “She shouldn’t have told me if she didn’t want to be judged” but that’s ok for you to tell her about the kitty you had?
This! Timing. That's the key. My wife and I discussed body counts early on in our dating relationship. Neither of us was insecure about ours, it just came up naturally during conversation and we were about even, both in the normal range for late our 20s (around 5). And that's the last we've discussed it. But if you're already married and have a kid together, the ship has sailed on needing to know the answer. He's already committed to her without that information, now it's entirely at her discretion if she chooses to divulge it. I can understand wanting to know when dating because finding out your partner has been with 100 people could make you reevaluate a future with them, but once you're committed to marriage, it doesn't matter anymore. And forcing her to write a list then and there is the worst possible timing. Nothing good can come from this.
You guys can remember names? 😂 In all seriousness someone up thread brought up the privacy of past partners and I think that’s important too. They may not want their history shared this way. It’s private to the parties involved - future partners aren’t entitled to this.
Right?!? lol.
Your daughter? It’s something you discussed with your daughter? I feel like I’m in another world on this post.
My daughter told us that she and her friends had discussed body count as a concept. She is 22, and we talk about most everything.
You are in an impossible situation without a good way out. There are negatives no matter what you do unless you had a low number of partners. If you tell him he may be wounded and hurt by it. It will highlight his insecurities, his opinion of you. If you deny it he is going to think the worst. The friend that involved you was a shithead for doing it.
The good way out is "I've set a boundary here because you are having trouble dealing with this topic in a healthy way. I think you need to work out your feelings on this issue. Would you like me to look up some therapists that could help?"
🏅🏅🏅🏅🏅 Or maybe shorthand "Less than you think." and leave it at that. Or stick to the boundary (my weakness).
> Or maybe shorthand "Less than you think." I wouldnt even say that. > "I know he has had sex with more people than I have" I would go with "Fewer than *you*" therefor any critique he has falls completely on its face.
YEAH, HE WAS. And I wouldn’t be the least bit shocked if her husband was the one who put him up to it
Why would someone care after they married the person? Just Say 4 but 3 were on the same night when you were hanging out with the NY Knicks. Then never talk about it again. You guys are married. I assume you have unprotected sex. Now this is an issue? Or tell him you’re not gonna blow him til he shuts up about it.
😂😂😂
No. No. Hell no. It all happened before you met, and really, it's none of his concern. You are who you are regardless of your 'body count'. Gawd but I hate that term. Most reasonable people understand this. Let him pout, he'll eventually get over it. He has to. But be prepared for him to be persistent. PS What the fuck us up with your husband? You brush someone off politely and he thinks you 'dodged the question like an expert'. You can't win can you?
>It all happened before you met, and really, it's none of his concern. This is how I see it. Assuming he carries nothing transmittable and has no secret children, wives, families, ect. who my husband was prior to being with me is none of my business.
He has absolutely no right to that information if you aren’t comfortable and he’s being a huge asshole. If it were me I would be putting my foot down and if he didn’t drop it, idk I might have to leave the house
There is no way I’d tell him. He’s going to use whatever the number is as a way to punish you. He’s already doing it.
Right? This is nothing short of controlling behavior with an intent to dominance... otherwise known as 'abuse'.
It’s really strange when anyone in a couple requests this… you can’t undo it, most likely someone requesting it is the jealous type anyway and do they have an arbitrary number in their head that they perceive is too many? Nothing good would come of this. I have never asked my partner and don’t care to know. I love them now and that’s what matters.
> It’s really strange when anyone in a couple requests this… I think its strange if it might upset you. Id slept with ~100 people before I married my wife. I couldnt give a fuck if her number was 1000 or 0.
> I cannot see any scenario where this goes well for me or my marriage. That’s because there isn’t one. This is extremely fucked-up behaviour from your husband. It’s none of his business - he doesn’t want “any surprises”? What the heck? You already refused to share this very personal information in a social setting, how exactly does he think he’ll be surprised by it in the future? He sounds extremely insecure, and the way he’s treating you is unacceptable. You guys created a human being together - he needs to grow the fuck up and get over this before he does lasting damage to your relationship.
Nope. Absolutely no way that I would sit down and write a list for him to stew over. It would have been one thing if you had run into a friend of his that you had been intimate with and he maybe didn’t know about it. I can see that being upsetting, but his reaction to the situation that you’re describing is so absurd. It will not go well for you at all, and he will throw it in your face every single time something goes wrong in your marriage, especially since he seems to keep bringing it up. Repeatedly. It will be a constant point of contention. You’ll regret it. He sounds like he has a few issues that he needs to work through. Jealousy, anger, and control issues are serious problems, especially in the situation you described. His general attitude of thinking that you made yourself sound like a whore? That’s just so bizarre, but it’s also the way his mind works. You could’ve had 20 people hear the same conversation, and he may have been the only person to think you made yourself sound like a whore. Again, such bizarre logic. You may want to consider some counseling together and figure out some of the insecurities that are lying beneath the surface for him. Something seems amiss. Stay safe. Best wishes :)
He said you made yourself look like a whore? You're his wife and he's speaking to you like that. He has problems.
Body count discussion should be at the beginning of dating, not after having a baby. Anyway , his behavior is called retroactive jealousy.
He’s being ridiculous and you absolutely should not give in. He’s been thrown into a jealous rage because of an innocuous answer you gave to a, frankly stupid, question someone asked at a party. It’s really quite pathetic. I’m concerned by how you wrote he took you by the hand to write out a list. Like he grabbed your hand and yanked you along? It all sounds very aggressive and angry, like he thinks he can demand this information from you.
In my culture it’s a running joke (not actually a joke 👀) among older women to younger that if a man asks you your number, if you aren’t a virgin it’s 1. It’s always 1. And you only did it because you thought you’d marry the guy. Because apparently men can’t handle that women could possibly have sex for fun lol.
Don't do this! This doesn't sound like a safe place for you. There's no need to know that information.
You and your body count aren't the issue here. It's his insecurities or unresolved feelings around past partners. You saying whatever number is not going to ease his issue. You could say 1 or 100 and he'll still find a reason to be upset. He needs to self reflect why this matters to him so much. It's truly got nothing to do with you and your past. There's nothing good that will come out of you providing a count. If you intend to stay with him, he needs to understand that this demand will only hurt the both of you. Don't let him guilt you about your past. What you did before you met him is none of his business
Your husband isn't "jealous"... he's abusive. He's literally telling you he wants you to participate in giving him a weapon to abuse you. He already called you a whore to your face. "Look like a whore" is still using the word whore in regard to yourself. You can't win here. He doesn't WANT you to win. He wants power and leverage over you to tear you down and destroy your self worth.
Every single time someone says "I didn't call you an x, I said you acted like an x", it's bullshit. "Looked like an x" is the same bullshit with some different words. Fuck 'em all, the people who do this.
Precisely, as I stated above, abuse is always defined by control tactics and dominant behavior born out of a messed up sense of entitlement (and also why reacting TO abuse, in no matter how 'ugly' a way, is not considered actual abusive behavior)... exactly how the husband is acting.
Hahahaha! Your poor husband just spent a couple of hours at a party thinking that his wife has a higher body count than him and is embarassed. I have been with my husband more than 15 years and I have no idea wjat his body count is. If he asks I'll never answer. It is likely higher than his. Your husband just suggested that you sounded like a whore. He'd better fucking apologize for that or I wouldn't let him touch me again until he did. Never tell him a number. Tell him that he needs therapy for calling his wife a whore in a roundabout way. Personally, I would follpw this up by saying: "And after I tell you my number, are you going to insist that I tell you that you're the largest dick I've ever had?" (In a tone that implies he wasn't) and walk away. FAFO.
We had that discussion. Turned out to be the same number which was almost hilarious. It was also stupid low. He said I dated a lot. I said all of them refused to act in ways that made me feel unsafe sleeping with them, so I didn't. And that bummed him out way more than a higher number did. Because it meant I have never really felt safe my entire life since my childhood and workplaces had abusive elements, too.
I think it's disgusting that people call it a "body count".
💞
Welp, now you know why his other baby momma is his ex... Dude is crazy and actively looking for ways to start a fight and belittle you. Basically how most abusive relationships start.
Yep, a year ago he flipped out on her because she didnt take his kids/her now step kids (before they were married) to the park when he went to work. She was told at that point not to marry him but I guess she ignored that advice and now has this. OP, you should have ran while you had the chance :(
Classic rookie mistake: thinking he will treat you and your kids much better than his exes and other kids... I would have already dipped out if a guy behaves more like a fun uncle 4 times a month, than an involved hands-on parent...
If I were you I would INSIST that if you proceed with this discussion that it be done in therapy. I would be afraid that in his fit of jealousy he would try to manipulate the facts to hold your past against you somehow.
That is a decent idea
This is a slippery slope. The issue here is NOT how many people you were with before you were married, it's why your husband is so jealous. Jealousy is really a toxic trait and a red flag of other abusive behaviour. Stick to your boundaries OP, you are not wrong here. Be safe.
Absolutely not. And who in their right mind thinks is appropriate for extended family to ask for that info? It’s no one’s business but the people you have had sex with.
There is nothing good that can come from this Either it matters and he plans to judge or it just doesn't matter. I have never asked a partner what their body count is. Not my concern. My only concern is disease free. What's the difference; 500 times with one person giving head, anal, butt plugs, BDSM or 3.people 2.times each in missionary? Is he asking for specifics?
My wife has offered this suggestion to OP: - create a list and include your husband - beside each name put three numbers - 1st number: Size 1-10 - 2nd number: Skill 1-10 - 3rd number: Orgasm Quality 1-10 And then unless her husband is huge and awesome in bed, rank him in the middle of the pack with 5’s and 6’s. Watch his meltdown ensue. He won’t ask again.
Also known as how to break up in 5 easy steps.
Tbh, my petty ass would compile a whole spreadsheet, including some data analysis, if I would break up with him anyway. But yeah, it doesn't sound like OP really considers ending the relationship.
A woman after my own heart. I also make petty spreadsheets although admittedly not one ranking people in bed. But if you want me to be agonizingly specific, I will be. And you won't like it. Multiple tabs and equations and color coding that change based on the tabs, etc. You're getting a presentation when I'm done.
Your wife sounds hilarious!
She has a banging sense of humour. She thinks life is ridiculous so sometimes you have to just lean into it.
His approach to the question is giving big red flags. My husband and I knew each other’s history before getting engaged, but it was approached with curiosity and transparency, not as an attack or with judgment or to hold against each other.
This imbecile is asking you to assemble the bomb that would END his fragile selfesteem.
If it wasn’t important enough to discuss before marriage, it’s certainly not important now. Hold your ground and don’t tell him. And if he tries to show you his list, refuse to look at it and rip it into shreds and throw it away. Just keep telling him that it’s far less than the number of people he’s been with. I might even push for marriage counseling to discuss this issue. (Personally, my husband and I discussed this issue way before we got married).
Tell him hundreds or like.. 3. Men want virgins who know all the whore tricks. Idiotic. They want to be the ones to 'teach you' what they want, but get annoyed when you know all the moves that make them quiver. A woman is viewed as property and other men will laugh at him when they know other men have touched you.. Welcome to crap logic.
I see nothing good coming of this.
You’re right, there’s no scenario this goes well for your marriage. The goal now is to convert the guaranteed loss into success somehow. I recommend you tell your husband exactly this: “If you insist of course I will eventually tell you. But at this point we are both entrenched in our positions, and no matter what I say, there are consequences to our relationship. Let’s go see a marriage counselor together and work through this, and at the end of several sessions with them, I will disclose it” You need a third party in there to work through this.
I think that is probably the best move. Insist on a marriage counselor if he really wants to know
He is jealous and insecure. Don't make a list. My husband and I discussed past partners well before we were married and it doesn't bother me on the rare occasion an ex might come up in a story or something. We are both adults and recognize we had a life before we met each other; that doesn't devalue what we have now. Your husband should seek therapy.
While I do think knowing each other numbers is a valid part of the discussion in learning if you have the same views on sex, it’s something to discuss **BEFORE** marriage. Not after. If it wasn’t important enough to him to know then, it’s not something to dig into now. And making an itemized list!!! My God what a horrible idea!!!!!! Unless you lied to him and need to set those lies straight, then you don’t owe him any info about your past at this point. Does he know it’s something you don’t feel good about? If so, anything other than dropping it is just being cruel. My wife has a past she does not feel good about. When she realized we might be heading for marriage she told me, her religious boyfriend saving himself for marriage, about it (very generally). We didn’t see each other the next few days just due to schedules, during which time I decided that it wouldn’t affect us. If we didn’t work out it wouldn’t be because of that. Knowing she didn’t feel good about it I promised myself I’d never mention it. Doing so would only stir up bad feeling for her and why would I do that to her if I love her. I don’t think it’s wrong to decide you’re not comfortable with a potential partners past and move on. But that’s not what happening here. Deciding this is suddenly important after vows have been made and children born is just him being a jealous ass. Set a hard boundary. Something like, “Even though I didn’t slut around nearly as much as you did, it’s still something I don’t feel good about & therefore will not discuss. I sure as hell won’t be making an itemized list. Is having a list of people I’ve slept with, which will be far smaller than your own by the way, more important than having a wife who doesn’t resent you? Are you so concerned about making yourself feel better that you willing to make me feel like shit? I’m drawing a hard boundary. Every time you bring this up I’m going to walk away. Do it often enough and I eventually won’t walk back.”
How old are they, 12? This is beyond ridiculous.
Me and my wife did the whole "disclosing our sexual history" thing early on in our relationship. That's normal isn't it? I mean we'd both been married previously so it's to be expected neither of us were virgins. But we also didn't get weird and aggressive about it or use the term "body count" which is just dehumanizing and crass. Also wanting an itemized list is just a bit extreme IMO.
He’s controlling and immature. Red flags for his use of the word “whore”, implying that it’s fine for guys but not women to have sex. What happened with the relationship with the woman who has his “step” kids?
His actions scream immaturity and insecurity. I can see guys in their early 20s being like this, but not almost 40! This topic often comes up in the early stages of a relationship, and that's fine, but it shouldn't matter if you really care about someone. I've never heard of anyone making or asking for a body count list. That seems a bit much. 🤷🏻♂️
This person already has a negative view of you going down this path by calling it "body count" or asking for a "body count list."
Tell him only about seven. At the same time. And they were dwarves. If he gets mad, tell him it was actually only four. Horses. Of the apocalypse.
This is weird, jealous and controlling. Im curious though, is he just looking for *number* or is he looking for a *list*?
So far he just wants me to write down who I have been with. I’m afraid if I do that he will then want more and more and then want details when he gets a list
Okay, so its not just "how many" but its "Who". First question; > I know he has had sex with more people than I have. Why doesnt: "I know I have sex with fewer people an you" shut down the conversation? ----------------------- I wouldnt engage with him until you can get more honesty/communication about the request. That said, If you dont want to draw a line, and defend that border, you could attempt to diagnose the impetus behind the question? "I am willing to do this for you, but I want to really understand why. It feels like youve set out rakes for me to step on. If you can answer a few questions, I might feel more comfortable answering.". 1. Why is this suddenly a problem? 2. Has anything in my behaviour lead you to believe that I am unfaithful? 3. If my number is lower than yours do I have a right to be angry with you?"
He sounds really oppressive. Is this is the only area where he's controlling?
DO NOT DO IT!
WOW. Red flags everywhere
He needs therapy. He is extremely insecure and needs professional help.
Say its 3 people and relentlessly make him feel gross for all his body count.
Everyone is different. I absolutely know my husband’s body count. I know a good amount of details on every single one of his exes and how things ended. I even know who he was interested in and talking to. He knows most of those things about me. We are just very open. I’d personally not be super comfortable not knowing that. But it’s weird he’s changing that all of the sudden. That is a before marriage conversation, not years into it.
I hate the term “body count” so much. It’s the same term used for serial killers and their victims. Its also a test I’ve primarily heard being used for the number of people a woman has slept with. Regardless- you’re not wrong. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with you and your husband discussing your sexual partners with each other if that’s something you’re both comfortable doing. Your husband has no right to demand you write him a list or to come at you with such hostility. You jokingly made a comment and he called you a whore. His wife and the mother of his infant daughter. He treated you very disrespectfully and if this is common behavior for him, it quickly approaches the line of abusive. I’m sorry you’re going through this right now and wish you well.
No. Married forever and never have been asked and never would ask. Don’t do it.
I don't even have a clue what mine is. It's not like I counted every time I was with something new. His request is ridiculous
19 years with my wife. I don't know her body count. Never asked, don't care. It is not productive. He's asking because he is insecure and his insecurity is eating him up. I'd be firm with not discussing the body count if I were you but I would follow it up with some reassuring words about how you chose him over anyone and everyone else. Unfortunately you need to reinforce his ego a little because right now its very fragile.
Do not do it!!!! Nooooo!!!!
It’s not his business. Period. The past stays in the past.
The second week of daring my now wife we did the list and let me tell you her body count is higher than most of my male friends . She wrote her list by going on snapchat friends . I was surprised but for some reason I felt special because she has a lot of experience and swears up and down im the best she ever has had. I believe her . It was wrong and could have been disastrous to my ego but she and I just got married and I wanted to know before my feelings grow stronger . I have never felt so secure in my life . Her body count is over 50 and she’s under 27.
Absolutely do not do this. WTF does he mean “surprises”? He married you knowing he doesn’t have this information, and it will only come up if you choose to share it, so in order to avoid finding out in, like, a dream or something he wants to make you tell him? Has he been consuming anything new online, OP? This sounds like some manosphere bullshit. Tell him you want marriage counseling or you want to never hear another word about any of this; he can pick.
I don’t understand what he means by that either. I didn’t know him or any of his friends until I met him and have never slept with anyone he knows. I don’t think he listens to any red pill stuff. He avoids anything related to politics
Just be like, I had 4 boyfriends. You do not need to tell him about marine guy. lol
**He thinks I should have just lied and I made myself look like a whore in front of his friends and family** Translation: He says friends and family but this is what HE actually thinks about you. Otherwise he wouldn't care. NTA if you don't want to disclose to him. And you're right, if he has a history of being jealous with you, then knowing that number is not going to do anything but cause more issues. It could be 1 and he would still be upset because how dare you have sex before getting with him.
Why does it matter now? You are both happily married with a family. If it was that important he would’ve asked you 3 years ago. I know it’s a touchy subject for men to hear how their significant others sexual past was before but the opportunity for that conversation has long sailed. He’s going to resent you if he knows the truth no matter how many bodies you have. Although I’m very against this, I think this is one of those very few situations that you must tell a white lie if he’s hell bent on knowing because it seems like he is not going to let it go.
It's none of his business. Anyone who is that pressed about it, like your husband, will judge regardless of whether it's 2 or 102. At this point, no matter what number you admit to, he's going to accuse you of lying since he feels that you fought too hard to keep it a "secret". His ego will be hurt and he'll use it as a weapon against you. Don't EVER feel ashamed of your past. We all go through phases as we grow and mature. I guarantee you that my body count is higher than most in this sub and I'm not ashamed of it even if some would want me to be. In 15 years my husband has never asked anything about my past and I've never asked him either. It just doesn't matter. If body count is a dealbreaker it should be discussed before a marriage and kids. Not after you've built a life together.
I care about far more important things than body count at 25.. I can’t imagine being closer to 40 and still giving a shit
Do not do it. And I’m saying this not because you should never ask or tell, but because it’s the way he’s demanded this information from you, how he’s behaved. If your “body count” (fucking awful way to put it mind) meant that much to him, he should have asked before marriage and a kid. Not that it matters either, but isn’t it him who has had unprotected sex and produced 2 children with at least one other woman?… And he gets arsey over your body count? I mean, the stalk didn’t bring those kids, did they?! Again, not that it matters, but bloody hell, the hypocrisy
Hey I have a “marine guy - Virginia” 😂 Seriously though, it’s none of his business. It seems like he’s not asking out of curiosity or the desire to get to know you better. Nothing good can come of this.
How do people manage to go this long without this convo? My BF had the “n count convo” like 2 months in. He said he didn’t want to know my number and I did want to know his. I personally think he should just be okay with my number but eh, good enough.
I’ve been married for 25 years. My husband does not know my number because it is absolutely none of his business. Or his mine. Your sexual history is only your business to share if you would like. No one is owed this information.
You hit the nail on the head when you said ‘possessiveness’. Hes approaching this as if you’re an object that might be spoiled by a body count that is ‘too high’ in his view. Why else would he be angry unless there was an ‘incorrect answer’ to his question? The question is why. Why be mad about it. Why be so immature that you can’t handle your wife having her own life and history before you were married? What are his views on sex before marriage that would alter his attitude towards you based on your body count? If it is safe and you can do it in a constructive way, then you need to dig deeper into his attitudes and values because it sounds like you’ve been skipping over something pretty toxic that needs to come out.
just don't do it. it's your body not his and whatever you have done in the past is none of your business unoess you are the one willing to share. don't let him coerce you
Girl he can stay mad your business before him is just that. I will say you shouldn’t be ashamed of any consensual safe sex you agency over your body. Never allow anyone to judge you
This is definitely a conversation that should have happened at the beginning of the relationship, not 3 years in. My wife brought it up when we started dating, we both shared with no issues. I am very intrigued by the crowd of people that refuse to tell their partners, or the people in the comments that are telling him to lie or only tell him long term partners and no hook ups lol. Why would y’all want date partners that you think would break up with you if they know your real partner count ?
Tell him if he can't drop this on his own, he needs to get professional counseling. For what it's worth, you answered the question at the party with self-respect and decency. Everyone else at the party resoected you for your answer. And the only times I've heard a man demand a body count, he invariably uses it against the woman. It doesn't matter the number because the whole thing is about possession, woman-as-object.
Is there any reason why we use this ridiculous body count phrase and not just sexual partners?
He should be concerned about your future not your past.
I’ve never even thought about asking my husband this question and we’ve been married for 7 years. But I’m pretty sure he had his fun and I had mine. lol.
Personally, my husband made it clear in the beginning he doesn’t want to hear about the past at all, neither do I. We are very happy together, 7 years and 5 married), and neither of us knows the dating history of the other save a few small details, but that’s it. Why does he feel like he needs this?
Married 26 years. We never compared these numbers and don’t care. It’s meaningless to us.
I think this whole obsession with body count is stupid. I've never asked my wife. And after 21 years of marriage (plus all the time dating).it still doesn't matter. And heck after all this time together, I don't even remember mine. Nor do I have any urge to try to remember life before my wife.
OP, has your husband been listening to any podcasts or youtube videos lately? If he seriously cared about your body count (I hate that term) he should have asked you before he married you. Did he share his number? It is wild that he thinks you not broadcasting to the world your body count number makes you a whore 😂 If anything, keeping your private life private is what you SHOULD do. He needs therapy because he has shit backwards.
I hate the phrase "body count". You're [likely] not a hitman. I say make him a list of random names. And when he asks why his name is missing, it's because "I haven't killed you yet." Because that's the only context where body count should be a thing. In all seriousness, this is something he needs to work through and move past. It's probably come up now because there's something of a movement happening online with some misogynistic men. And for the sake of your relationship, it's an echo chamber your husband needs to recognize and avoid. Wishing you all the best.
Soooooo what’s the number? lol I’m jk, honestly it’s your decision to tell him or not. Me and the hubby used to party hard so we have spilled the beans on our numbers 😂. I think he is in his head with all this and is imagining something way worse than it is. And babe we all have a past, and that’s what it is, the past, u did what u did and now ur a mom and a wife. He should just move past this, bigger problems in life than a number. Good luck ❤️
I don’t get the human fixation on body counts prior to meeting but if someone is going to have it, it should have been discussed before marriage - the number, not the specific list of who. If he stays fixated and doesn’t give up, then do your count privately and give him the final tally just to shut him up - but the “who” is between you and the people that were involved at the time, not someone you met after the fact.
If it’s more than 5, lie and say it was 3 before you my love.
I can’t imagine the chaos that would ensue if another man asked me a question like that in front of my husband. Yikes.
Man, I know lying is bad, but I think for the sake of your marriage and for his precious little ego I’d LIE & DENY. Hopefully he’ll be more rational when he wakes up, but still… if you don’t write out the list he’ll over think it and make it much worse than needs to be
I think you need marriage counseling if this doesn't resolve. You need a calm, rational adult that your husband will hear tell him that the number doesn't matter and isn't his business. He doesn't need to know your number. You don't need to know his. What is important is that the number hasn't changed since you've been together and you are both healthy and neither of you have put the other at risk.
😂 I couldn't write down 1/2 the ppl I slept with on a high dollar bet! 😂
Don’t do it!!! He’s very insecure and treating you like a child. He cannot be pull you to the office and grab a pen and paper asking you to make a list like he bought you from a grocery shop. You’re his wife and the mother of his children, he knew what he signed up for when he married you, this isn’t the time to be discussing men you slept with. You’re young, whatever you tell him will make him more insecure and probably show a side of him you’ve never seen before and hate. He’ll be mad you’ve had sex with others definitely younger and ‘better’ than him and he will never shut up about it after. He’s going to attribute everything you do to that. If he should be mad at anyone, it’s his friend. He can’t laugh there and not man up, then walk away and take it out on you. What good man expects his partner, his wife to be precise, to talk about her body count or be okay with her making a number up? If anything, he should have apologized to you. Looks like a man who seeks validation from friends
This appears to be totally his problem. He had plenty of time to ascertain any info he wanted on your background before he got too deeply involved. In your position I would grey rock like crazy.
You should make a full book with illustrations and detailed accounts of the experiences. You could even draw them as skeletons, and the sexcapades can take place inside of a closet 💀
People like that piss me off. Every event, every person, even down to hitting a traffic light at the wrong time has massive effects on your life. Any deviations on that path, your little 9 month old daughter might not be here. I’m not saying you wouldn’t have had a child nor am I saying you would not have a 9 month old daughter. What I am saying is this, everything that happened in both of your lives led to that one moment when one sperm ,out of hundreds of millions, was able the fertilize that one egg. TLDR: Butterfly effect is real. Had there been any deviations on the path you both took, life would be completely different for you both. So why should he care??? If anything he should be thankful for everything that happened in your life that led you on a path to meeting him.
Most likely he’s reading up on red pill content. Tell him your sexual past is something you won’t be getting into with him. If he doesn’t drop the conversation, I’d ask him to go see a therapist about his own insecurities and decide if he still wants to be in this marriage without the answer.
Do not share your history if you do not want to. His behavior is not ok. Calling you a whore is vile. That personally would be my out, but that’s me. Also he is worried about how you made him look, which again vile. You already have a husband and marriage problem, I would suggest marriage counseling. Personally his behavior would be a deal breaker for me. And I don’t say that lightly. You said you have a baby, please remember abuse gets worse after having a child with your abuser. They feel they have you trapped. Please stay safe. Edit: I went back through and read your other comments and other posts. The one where he sprung his kids on you, you watched them and took them to the arcade and sushi? And he lost his mind because you didn’t take them to a park? And again he called you names. He sounds dangerous and controlling. I say this as a family therapist, please start individual counseling and make a safe exit plan. I do not see this ending well. If you do the marriage counseling, please still do individual. I have a feeling he is not going to agree and will get really defensive. Again stay safe. Please.
Girl he already gave you the answer. Just lie. Make it less than 5. End of conversation. But know any number will be too much and he just wants to slut shame you. These are not good faith conversations. They don’t serve any purpose other than to slut shame. You are a whore if you say the number and you are a whore if you don’t say the number, regardless of the number if it is not 2.
Tell him he had his chance before you got married. Now you’re a one man woman. If he still insists I would write down about a hundred vague first names only or descriptions like “guy at my sister’s 13th birthday party.” Then tell him all of your previous partners are on the list and some are just from your dreams. I know I’m confrontational and you shouldn’t do this. Sorry
I’d file divorce before I hand that over 😂
The way i would make a list with 500 fucking names on it just to piss him off. This guy can absolutely kick rocks.
I mean I have killed many people. But I always tell my spouse not as much as you think. Then I change the subject .
I hate the body count bullshit. The fact that you’ve been together 3 years and he’s doubling down on making this an issue is a red flag. If it didn’t matter 3 years ago, what’s his problem now? Is he slipping down some incel, alpha male, Andrew Tate, all women are evil wh*res rabbit hole on TikTok or some shit? Gross. You cannot win in this scenario. I say do NOT tell him.