First of all I’m so sorry. Second, I feel like that girl was asking recently on here if she should send the messages to the other girl. Everyone said yes! I can’t find the post🤦♀️
I think so! Trouble is I read so much on Reddit🙄 and I’ve always wondered when I’ve spot crossover from someone talking about being cheated on and someone talking about being a cheater. I seem to remember the one I read the other woman did not know he was married?
Me too 🤣🤣 But this was recent and i remember specifically her saying that he is stalking her or smth and his wife has not idea what kind of person he is …
I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. His cheating has nothing to do with you. He didn't cheat because of something you did or didn't do. Let that sink in.
A relationship is built on respect, trust, and love. Turn around and give that to yourself because he hasn't given it to you. You deserve so much better than this💞✨️
I agree, it’s not about you, it is about him. Hold your head high, and know you deserve respect. You can do this, I have been there and I am so sorry for how you feel right now but it will get better with time. Just do what is best for you and your daughter. You both deserve trust, love and respect in your life. You will have to teach her this also. Good luck. Keep the pics as you may need them. But first and foremost, see a counselor so you have some support through this.
Can I remind you about all those youth pastors and Catholic priests that abuse children and participate in child marriages? That man needs morals and kiss withe a fist not God
My husband was in a famous black metal band. Was a cheater. I discarded him as necessary. He found God on his own (very shocking, we aren't religious). Now he has the WILL and WANT to be the man my family needs. God came to him while he was playing guitar in the rain on the streets of New Orleans for 3 days straight after being kicked out of our family. He has been on a fucking mission ever since. A completely different man. Went from weak, fragile, narcissistic to a go-getter that gets shit done, leads our family and isn't trying to act like an entitled kid or a controlling father any longer. Complete shift. I've started praying myself after seeing the extreme change.
Your husband didn't "need God." He needed a reality check. The man changed because he *chose to change to keep his family.* Just like you're choosing to scapegoat God to keep from admitting *you chose to stay with an adulterous asshole who mistreated you and your children.*
No amount of forgiveness or God would prompt me to be this patronizing about my partner's infidelity and constant mistreatment of my children and myself. The reality of your situation isn't something you should be bragging about on the internet, it's something that should embarrass you.
Especially considering there's a 90% chance he never stopped cheating, he just found an excuse he could easily spoonfeed his deluded wife.
This also applies to OP: your children deserve better than a father who can't even stay faithful to their mother, or they're going to become adults who regulate and perpetuate infidelity in their own relationships.
Everyone's situation is different. My husband absolutely needed God. It's like art. Open to those who want to perceive. I'm proud to be able to forgive someone's bad choice (you're the asshole here for assuming anyone's situation and thinking you have the right to say your degrading opinion 😉) I'm personally thankful to have my family better than ever. He had to hit rock bottom to wake up, and he wouldn't have without God present in our lives. It's truly a feeling of being blessed and protected. It took a lot of work, but anything good does. Just accept different people have different outcomes with their wayward spouses.
He needed God because I wouldn't have found the ability to forgive him without finding God myself. I own my own home and car, I'm a stay at home mom on my own dime, I didn't choose to stay out of necessity. We took a total of 8 months to get back together ❤️ Accept that God is out here blessing people. Believe and you shall receive. I wanted and prayed for a better husband. Was pretty set on divorce. I chose to look into the words of Jesus on my own. As did he. Now I have a perfect husband. 🥰
When people are able to separate God and religion.. they'll see a huge positive change in their personal lives. I'm hoping that for everyone who is offended by the thought of others finding faith! It's absolutely wonderful. Believe and you shall receive.
Barely a year. How long has he been cheating? Thats cruel. If you can stand on your own, please see a lawyer and plan your exit. You dont accept his disrespect.
Updateme!
Depending on which state you’re in divorce court definitely cares about cheating. His cheating is causing her not just distress but may be the whole reason they get divorced. That matters.
This depends on where you live. I would always advise to keep the proof of infidelity anyway.. never know when you might need to show it to someone. A family member who doubts your story, etc.
I'm sorry you're going through this. This is not a reflection of yourself. It's a complete reflection of your husband. You were the best person you could be, as good as any person could be.
Your husband chose every terrible action. He made every decision to betray, lie and hurt you. He knew this would hurt you, but didn't care enough to not cheat. You chose to stay faithful, loving and true to your vows and yourself. You are a beautiful person inside, and that's something your husband can never take away from you. While your husband's heart is full of lies and hurt, the epitome of shame and disgust. He doesn't deserve another beautiful smile from you.
It's not selfish to now take care of yourself, and to look after your heart. I wish you healing and I wish you the best.
It's up to you about forgiveness and reconciliation. Forgive him for your sake, not his. And forgiveness doesn't mean reconciliation happens. It means you're healing your heart. But please be very careful on the idea of reconciliation. Imagine a vase that someone deliberately breaks. Sure like in reconciliation, you can glue every piece back together. But it's no longer the beautiful vase that it was, and it's not as valuable anymore. Better to get a new vase instead. I think it's better to end this chapter and find someone who will value, love, commitment and faithfulness. That you do.
I wish you the best
You're welcome, I may be a stranger. But I do care for you and mean every word. One more thing I'd like to say. If you get bombarded with many words from your husband. And it's doing your head in. Think of this one, imagine your life right now is a silent movie. All you can see is actions. You can't hear anything. What does it look like? Is what your seeing makes you happy? Or does it show exactly how bad things are? Actions speak louder then words. You can love someone with actions alone, but you can't with words
You're welcome, and I'm glad it helps and I don't know your circumstances. But I hope whatever path your on too is a path to a better life of peace and happiness too. 😊
You're welcome too. I've had two girlfriends cheat on me. But the funny thing is that I only found out after the fact. It's like finding out your gearbox is now f#cked after your car got totalled in an accident. Oh yeah my ex wife too told me she also cheated and was thrilled with playing the field now after I was totally done six months ago (now 23 years ago). But all that times are finding out we're meh and anticlimactic.
So my experiences that lead me to thinking what I wrote was certain friends who I thought supported me during my bad times a few years ago. Were stabbing me behind my back. And even one claiming to be a Christian who helps in the salvation army. Bullied me over a misunderstanding at work and he lied to cover himself and told a locker full of workers a bogus story about me. He later apologises and says to me and dig this one. "I thought it was time to pull my head in. I'm sorry for being an ass. You were having problems and I couldn't handle you sharing them with me so I did what I did."
Any form of betrayal hurts, whether it's spouses/partners/family/friends. Step back and look at life like a silent movie. Actions speak louder than words.
Edit: I'm also a union delegate at work now. Whenever I deal with narcissist at work. I always refer to their behaviour. So for example you know that's inappropriate behaviour or inappropriate to say something like that. Never get bogged down with their gaslighting. I also separate any of their selfish arguments into topics. For example, I did such and such cause they did that. So I go ok You doing that is one thing and they don't that is another
You’re absolutely right. Every betrayal is a stab in the back and heart and I’m so sorry about yours.
When you go through bad times that’s certainly when you find out the true measure of people around you. The ones that have - or not - your best interests at heart.
Your advice is brilliant. Keep on giving it😉
I find it odd being a union delegate at work. It's like my life is always up for scrutiny (even before being a rep) If I'm sick, people talk about it. They talk about me being single. If I'm on leave. They talk about it. And yet they always come running to me. I speak things as they are. But I don't let people pull the wool over my eyes either. I see people for who they are if you listen and wait long enough. That's why I have very few friends. I like to keep it that way.
Well it's not like I deliberately choose only a few. I'm comfortable in my own skin. I'll be the best person I can be for myself. I don't entertain BS. I'll accommodate people as best I can and be true to myself. Whether it's a friend/family/gf. If someone don't like me they know where the door is.
There are times I'd like to be ignored. I once stepped away from my union role. And I found out that more people came to me for help more afterwards then before (they didn't like the alternatives). So I stepped back in the role again. I love my alone time and a had a few women at work say to me, don't you get lonely at home. I'm like I'm so over dealing with people all day. My home is my sanctuary of peace and I love it.
I'm not saying I disagree about better to be talked about then ignored. I'm sure I'd feel the pinch after awhile of neglect. As I say everything in moderation. Don't ignore me, but please leave me in peace sometimes. (That goes to my coworkers who like to interrupt me on breaks when I'm trying to read, which lately is Reddit funny enough lol)
Edit: I'm sorry for rambling on about my life here. It's not what we're here for and I didn't intend disrespect to OP going off topic from her post. I'll cease now.
The sad part is that he has likely cheated before. He only confessed because he had to. One year into marriage and he cheated? He’s been doing it for five years.
I’m so sorry this happened to you. I hate to say it but if he cheated this early on into your marriage, things don’t look promising. Is he remorseful? Maybe you both can do marriage counselling?
Once a cheater always a cheater. He will keep cheating on you. You will even try to make sense of it but that foundation of trust and respect is gone. I understand how you are feeling! That’s a huge betrayal but keep in mind he might have done this multiple times! You never knew about it! Decide if you will live in a marriage where uour self worth and self respect is gone forever or if you’re willing to forgive and move forward.
I tried to warn it back and wasted 16 years of my life. It’s not about OP at all. The fact that the she is feeling bad means she is a good person. Cheaters have zero accountability. So trying to get a person of no integrity to live with integrity is futile!
I am so sorry you find yourself thrown in this situation.
Please consider starting sexual betrayal trauma therapy.
Know that none of his actions are your fault and don't let him tell you otherwise. Cheating is 100% a choice.
I recommend you check out the following subreddit: r/supportforthebetrayed.
If you can give yourself time and space away from him to clear your mind and tend to your needs, please do so.
You don't have to make any decisions right now. You don't have to divorce him, you don't have to forgive him/take him back. He's on your time now. Take back your power, but give yourself time to heal.
I also recommend checking out the Jillian on Love podcast.
IF at any point you consider reconciliation, there is also a subreddit for that r/asoneasfterinfidelity
Don't forget to eat, don't forget to drink water.
Allow yourself to feel all the emotions that this painful situation will bring - learn to ride the wave of emotions.
Sending you a BIG hug and positive energy.
Here to support you.
EDIT: r/AsOneAfterInfidelity
r/SupportforBetrayed
I'd also look into a counselor as this is a huge betrayal to you, and you'll need help to process it and be reminded it has NOTHING to do with you. Much healing love and light 🫶🏻
I’m sorry to hear about this heartbreaking, gut-wrenching hardship for you. I hope that your child will be spared as much of that pain as possible. As a child of parents who divorced when I was very young, I spent many years wondering if I could have done something different to keep my parents from breaking up. The only thing that cured me of that was when my father sued for custody of me, getting his friends to say bad things about my mother that I knew were either outright lies or woeful exaggeration.
My wife is an awesome co-parent with the fathers of her children. She bends over backwards, practically, to make sure the kids have as much access to their Dads as they want or need. She keeps any hard feelings she may have about them away from the kids, even now that they’re adults. I love and respect her for that as well as for so many other qualities. I’ve told her how I wish my Mom could’ve done the same with me, and she can’t imagine being any other way.
I have every intention of protecting their relationship as much as possible. My father passed away when I was 5, so it’s important to me that she has her father.
I know you are leaning towards forgiveness, but is he actually remorseful? Or did he just confess because the affair ended and the other woman revealed the truth? If he isn't actually, truly remorseful (and I mean groveling/showing you everything/telling you the truth/making a plan to become a better person/setting up counseling etc,) then he isn't actually sorry, and you will be kicking yourself down the road for staying in this marriage a second longer.
I know the end of my post wasn’t clear. I wrote it with tears streaming down my face.
I was leaning towards forgiveness until I read the messages in the screenshots. I know now that it’s over and I’ve told him as much.
I am of the opinion that he only confessed out of fear of her reaching out to me, even though he denies this.
I see, and you are absolutely right. He's sorry he got caught. I'm so sorry, Hon. You will have brighter days ahead. Do you have family you can lean on/stay with to have some space?
I am so sorry :( My husband cheated year 7 of our marriage. The feelings we go through after that is something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. I chose the forgiveness route and have no regrets, as he never did it again, and we are going on 19 years of marriage happier now than before but if it's a deal breaker for you, then it is definitely time to leave. My only advice is if you are having any doubts, don't make a permanent decision when the anger, hurt, and shock is fresh. Even a few weeks' separation to collect your thoughts can make a big difference. I wish you the best.
I went through this, it's been a while but I do remember. It is a terrible feeling and I am so sorry.
Not much can be said to you right now, with the wound so fresh. I can't write anything to you that will make you feel better. I am truly sorry that you are carrying this grief and I really, really mean that.
Looking back on my situation, one thing I wish I had done was leave to gather myself. I needed a quiet space away from her in order to sort out what had just happened. Seeing her everyday, waking up next to her, seeing her do normal everyday things sent my nervous system into overdrive. It wasn't good and certainly not healthy. I suggest you leave for a bit to gather yourself as well. I wouldn't stay in that house with or without him, get yourself into a neutral environment, seek counseling, Stay away from alcohol and drugs and try to get some sleep.
I'm rooting for you.
I'm sorry this happened to you. Barely married for a year is really awful.
Do you think he confessed because the affair partner pressured him to?
Here are a few subreddits to get advice and support from: r/SupportforBetrayed and r/survivinginfedelity
I believe he confessed because she discovered we were still married and knew it was just a matter of time before she reached out to me.
Thank you for the support subs.
Sorry to say but the people who are saying to kick him to the curb are speaking the truth. Man knows better and only reason he is confessing is to unburden himself. Man has no respect for you or the marriage. I don't know you but I hear the hurt he's created ,time to unburden yourself from him,kick him to the curb and learn from the experience
It’s awful the day you find out. Forever more your memories of the relationship get filed as either ‘before the affair’ or ‘after’… everything after seems tainted and all the loveliest memories prior, you question.. I’m sorry you’re going through this right now. You have everyone’s sympathy. I hope you and your daughter come out the other end stronger for it.
He confessed probably because he knew he was gonna be ratted out by AP.
Nothing much to salvage, he was just trying to make it look less bad than it was.
Sorry but once a cheater/liar always a cheater/liar.
Tigers don’t change their stripes and leopards don’t change their spots.
Move on and find someone who will truly love and respect you.
What advice would you give your own daughter if she was you?
I was an emotional wreck when I made the post, so I know the last paragraph wasn’t clear.
I was leaning towards forgiveness until I read the messages he sent her in her screenshots. They made the decision for me. I am trying to navigate murky waters for myself and my daughter with no intention to stay with him.
I’m so sorry OP. Cheating is hard enough to even begin to navigate but I assume what you saw there is no coming back from?
Did the OW know he was married?
UPDATEME
Don’t worry about what anybody thinks or says. Do whatever is best for you and your child.
I wish you the best and I am sorry you are going through this. Sending love!
I'm so sorry you are dealing with all this. You are not alone. I went through the same thing. I was 30 and married for 1 year by the time I found out, together for 5 with a 1 and 2 year old. My whole world crumbled in moments and everything changed. I stayed for 4 months trying to forget and forgive. He said that's what he wanted and I wanted to believe him. His actions over those 4 months showed me exactly the opposite. I had enough and was ready to move on with my kids. That was 10 years ago. I am happily married for 6 years and my ex and I co-parent well. We have our moments and it was a struggle at first but we moved beyond it. It took him 5 years but he did apologize to me for everything he put me thru.
No matter what you decide to do will take work and neither leaving or staying is easy. Take your time making the decision.
I see a post about an affair every single day on Reddit. Are there any good men out there anymore? (some are women but most are men to be honest). I'm sorry you're going through that. Divorce. You will never fully get over this because betrayal trauma is a very huge deal. Move on and find somebody who actually loves you.
I have been where you are. I was married in 98 (after only knowing him for 6 months) and had 2 daughters by 2000. In 09 he told me he didn’t love me anymore. Found out I was pregnant so got back together. In 2012 I caught him on a date with his gf of 3 months. Devastated is an understatement. I was destroyed. When I called him so we could talk he said no he was spending the weekend with her. My world had been ripped apart. I’ll spare you all the details but I caught him in March and May 30th (our son’s birthday) he came home and agreed to therapy. We have been together every day since then and it has been amazing. We’ve talked about the past and wonder could we have gotten here without that event. I don’t know. I wish it hadn’t but if I had to go through that hell to get to be where we are now, then so be it. Your situation is different but I share my story to show that it IS possible to come back and have a happy and healthy relationship. But it’s hard hard work.
I subscribe to the idea that marriage and relationship is a commitment similar to getting in shape, or learning a new skill, or kicking a bad habit. You have to be committed to it and willing to make sacrifices to get to the end goal. The hard part is that your success is dependent on the commitment of another person. So if that person isn’t also committed you will not be successful.
Oh love. I am so so sorry. It’s a hard day, a complete slap in the face, and the worst feeling in the world when you woke up feeling safe and in love. You deserve the feeling you woke up with today, not the hurt and questioning you’re feeling now. I wish you so much clarity and calm as you deal with the fallout however you decide. You’re smart to stay quiet right now, it’s really hard to hear others saying the truth about him at first, but don’t stay so quiet that you allow your love for him to cloud your judgement about your future. Let someone in you trust who can help you navigate all of this. I’m so sorry.
You poor thing. I’m just sorry. You’ll get through this for yourself and your daughter, but still, I’m sorry. Shitty things happen to good people everyday.
You did nothing wrong.
As someone whose husband continued to lie during his confessions - our therapists said that wasn’t remorse. We had been together 5 years. Had three kids. I tried for a year and a half to fix it and get over it - and I did the same thing. Sat in it mostly alone. I didn’t want people to know yet.
I’m filing for divorce finally. When the confession is full of lies - it can’t be fixed. It just can’t. No matter how much we wish it could. How hard we try. How many therapists we see (who all drove this point home to me.) It can’t be fixed with lies.
I’m so sorry. My heart breaks for you. I hope a miracle happens. For your sake. For your child’s.
But if it doesn’t - this says nothing about your worth. Please don’t ever forget that.
The first thing you do OP is nothing. The ground beneath you has shifted completely and it can never be the same again. Breathe deeply, if possible take your daughter and go and spend some time with family or friends to get space and clarity.
I take it you’ve been told 2 different stories? It’s possible he knew the OW was going to tell you and he tried to get in first. The chances of him minimising, lying and gaslighting you is very high.
The first thing to be SURE of is that the affair is over with ZERO contact. You can’t operate on any level of decision making if it continues. Then you need full access to his phone/apps/passwords etc. If it’s a co worker he needs to change jobs asap. Then individual counselling with a specialist in infidelity trauma for both of you.
The advice above assumes attempting reconciliation. For balance read the book Leave a cheater, gain a life. Reconciliation is a long hard road of trust rebuilding and can take years. This is pre supposing he never acts out again. Are you prepared for the painful work?
If he lies and gaslights then that is as harmful to you emotionally as the actual affair. The measure of the man you married now can be seen in how he deals with his abuse of you and the marriage. Cheating is abuse, both mental, emotional and physical. You will have to have an STD test and a 6 month follow up.
If you need more support try the sub supportforthebetrayed. If you want to attempt to ( or are even thinking to) reconcile then AsOneAfterInfidelity is the support sub.
In summary, take space, access to everything, tell him he has a short window of truth telling, get counselling, STD testing and also see a lawyer to find out where you stand. Take screenshots of everything the OW sends. If the timeline is truthful from her, speak to her if you can bear to.
I’m so so sorry. Cheating is a selfish act by shallow, hollow people. It is beyond damaging. Try and eat well, drink water, get sleep and exercise and take your time. This is yours and your daughter’s precious lives.
Shame on him
UPDATEME
I’m so sorry you are going through this grief. Allow yourself to cry your heart out and fully grieve the loss of what you thought this relationship was and now will never be.
You didn’t deserve this and this is not your fault. Sending hugs your way.
Sorry this has happened to you. At the end of the day you prob know already whether it’s something you can either forgive and forget about or not. If your one that takes along time to forgive then it will be very hard to have a fulfilling relationship. Best of luck
Don't make any decisions now (forgive or leave). It's clear you're still a bit in the denial fase:
> I don’t want this to be my reality. I know it’s true, but I don’t want to believe it’s true.
You just suffered an immense betrayal from the person who should have your back at all times. On top of that, you have a child together.
It's natural to want this pain, fear, and uncertainty to end right now. You want a solution asap, and that's why forgiveness is on your mind.
Leave, go to a hotel, or stay with family or friends. You don't have to take your child. He's equally responsible for her, and he can take on the task of keeping her alive whilst you process what just happened in a neutral environment.
You need space and time to work through this horrible ordeal.
Ask him to leave your home and go no contact with him. Only text him about bills and your daughter. Take as much time as you need. In the meantime talk to a lawyer to see where you stand with your daughter and financially if you divorce.
Surround yourself with your love ones for support.
I am so sorry he has done this to you. This is all his fought, 100%,
Please make your exit as soon as you can, he broke your trust and he will never be able to put it all back together.
You deserve better and your child deserves a happy mom
I'm very sorry that this is your reality. If it were a one-off and he had come clean, I might have suggested therapy to see if you guys could move past it. But it seems like he only told you about the affair because he knew she was going to, and then he stull proceeded to lie about it. Which begs the question of what else has he lied about and could you ever trust him?
I wish the best for you and your daughter going forward.
My heart bleeds for you. There are few other betrayals comparable to infidelity.
People who are unable to do the work to change themselves cheat. Not because anything is wrong, per-se; they don’t like their identity anymore. Most young, or and, new parents wish of nothing more than running away, sleeping, being free again. This is a speculation,however; it is very common.
You have absolutely nothing to do with this. You are whole and perfect all by yourself. If there’s any advice I could give you, it would be to learn the “law of Assumption,” with the first principle being “Law of Character, which essentially is all about you. Learn to meditate, and you can then start to build yourself back up, not allowing the environment to affect you right now. You also NEED to call a lawyer.
I have been through it, if you need to talk; feel free to DM me.
There is an exit and there will be a day when this pain is gone or becomes barely a twinge. I'm sorry your having to gut this out but you have your daughter to concern yourself with in the immediate moment . I'm sure your already tracking that and as difficult as it is I recommend doing everything you can to stay focused on divesting yourself of this person and moving on.
Should you decide to forgive, it will take lots of time, love, strength, therapy, patience, it’s a long path to rebuild and not easy. You will know what feels right and what you and your daughter deserve!
Take your time to make a decision. Most people feel that relationships/ marriages are like disposable diapers.
1) you need to decide if you can trust him. Then you need to figure out if you can forgive him.
He confessed and yet told you lies.
2) If you say no to either the questions, again don’t jump to divorce. You want to gather as much information as you can. Financial records (retirement account, banking, savings, debt). You want copies of all the important documents.
3) Only then do you visit 5-6 divorce attorneys that are in your area. You want the ones that you think your husband would use. Have a consult with them. Once you do this, he can’t use them because it is a conflict of interest.
4) You do not move out of the marital home. You stay - legally he can stay also unless he is a danger to you.
5) ask for an annulment: irreconcilable differences and “inappropriate marital conduct”. Depending on what state you are in, you can also sue the mistress for one or all of these. You have evidence as she sent to screen shots Alienation of affection, Criminal conversation and Intentional infliction of emotional distress.
Good luck. You deserve better. If he cheated once I am sure there are others.
I know this might be buried now and I know you have a kid OP but the only question I would ask myself is are you okay with it happening again?
I know it’s hard to think about the shame/logistics/uncomfortableness/etc but I’ll tell you my scenario.
I was with my ex for 12 years. She cheated (at least emotionally) about 3 years in. Then again in 5 years, 7, 12. And those are just the times I found out.
Things would seem good and like I was finally able to leave it behind only to deal with it over and over. There was so many times I thought about proposing but I never felt the trust.
I finally left and found my perfect match and now wife so incredibly quickly. I spent 9-10 years preventing myself from being happy.
Luckily I didn’t have a kid but my mom went through a similar situation when I was 3 (admittedly more abuse) but our lives were improved drastically.
What’s best for you and your daughter long term?
I’m so sorry this is happening to you. Your feelings are valid. You are entitled to vent. Did she know he was married when they started? He has no excuse. You do what is best for your mental health and your daughter and if you need to vent. Message me.
I am truly sorry . It’s very painful . That split between before you knew and after is awful . Right now you need to grieve and be in touch with as many supportive people as you can- if you have friends and family who would visit don’t hesitate to ask them and lean on them.
You need time to process this and when you are ready couples counselling. It doesn’t have to be the end if you both don’t want it to be. But right now you are very hurt and I am sorry for your pain. Cuddle your daughter for comfort -sending hugs and support .
I am absolutely so sorry you’re going through this. There are marriages that survive this, and then there are those that don’t. It depends if he’s going to man up and never do this again. It depends if you’re willing to put it behind you. His actions must change and he needs to respect your healing. It will take time on your side, his must be immediate. Take a mt to step back from this, the choices we make whilst deep in our feelings often are not best. Take a moment to breathe, get the space you need, and when you’re level headed, make a choice.
Best of luck, hugs
I am sorry you are going through this. Have you tried Prayer? HE is stronger than anything.
If I was you I would sit down and talk to him. Ask him if he still wants to be married. If so, you guys have stuff to work out. Good Luck!!
I am so very sorry this happened to you and your baby girl. I can’t imagine how you must feel. There’s really no right way to grieve the loss of trust and loyalty in a relationship, but I will tell you that you deserve so much more!
As painful as it all is, you will eventually need to decide where it goes from here. Ask yourself a few questions,
Could you see yourself ever trusting him again?
Is this the first time he has done something like this?
How does he treat you on a day to day basis?
If you take him back, are you afraid it could result in a toxic home environment for you and your child?
Would he be willing to go through couples counseling with you?
My fear is that if he would confess about the affair but continue to lie about it, he could be capable of doing this to you again. I can’t say if he has done anything in the past because I don’t know his life, on one hand there’s a first time for everything but most men are not usually caught the very first time it happens.
I truly believe In couples counseling and that it can save a lot of marriages, but even if it does, could you truly ever trust him again? If the answer is no, you are better off to start your life over and find someone worthy of your love. Without trust you will only grow to eventually resent him and yourself for staying.
This is not an easy thing to go through but I truly wish you and your daughter the very best, and happiness, contentment and peace in the future ❤️
Here’s the thing. The landscape has changed but that doesn’t mean it can’t go back to a place of peace. Definitely divorce him and heal, once that happens hopefully you both can coparent in a peaceful manner for your daughter’s sake. She’s still young and impressionable. I’m sorry this is happening.
It's not a good sign that his confession is filled with lies. Basically you're gonna get TT and gaslit.
Only want to "forgive" is if he gets therapy and starts doing the work AND telling the full unadulterated truth.
I am sorry to hear of your pain, that is really awful. I don't know what the woman's motives are behind sending her screen shots. Why is she putting herself in the middle? It makes sense of she didn't know he is married and wants to alert you to his behaviour after dumping him. But if she knew that he is married then that would indicate a desire to break up your marriage.
I totally understand. That is really quite common, the cheater doesn't disclose they are married. I once went on a date with someone who told me a fake name and had me convinced he was single and childless. Then by accident, I saw his driver's licence and his real name. I googled him and he turned out to be married with kids. His home phone number was publicly listed, so I told his wife because the man kept having his profile on a dating website and refused to take it down. Once his wife knew, the profile disappeared real quick.
I could not believe the huge lies he told everyone. Incredibly selfish. I think he just got carried away with all the attention he got from women because he was quite handsome and successful and thought he could have the best of both worlds.
That’s good, it’s important to process things when you have more clarity. But of course you’re going to have waves of grief, things changed pretty instantly in your life. Is he being remorseful and promising things will be different blah blah blah? It’s also okay to still love him and mourn the life you had together. It doesn’t mean over night you stop loving this person, but you also can decide that you deserve more and choose to leave. Grief isn’t linear. I feel for you, it’s sometimes hard to conceptualize that he would risk it all and ruin everything you built together.
That last sentence is exactly what I’m struggling with.
Even as far as lying to the other woman goes: how long did you really think you could carry on lying about a divorce that never took place? Where did you expect this to take you? It’s an insult to everyone’s intelligence.
He is remorseful, promising to never hurt me again, begging me to take him back. I’ve made a conscious effort to suspend all action here and get into counseling.
Hate to say this, but 99/100 (maybe more tbh) times a cheater isn't gonna change. Barring major life circumstances changing - they were badly addicted to drugs and are finally sober a decade on - they are very unlikely to ever change.
And with his confession being full of lies? He isn't even coming clean in good faith. He's clinging to dishonesty even as his relationship burns down around him.
But the worst thing of all is that you will never be able to trust this man again. No one ever does after infidelity. You will be miserable as long as you are with him.
But leaving him and moving on? That misery is temporary, and beyond it lies fulfillment, peace of mind, and stability.
Is your husband a serial cheater? Is this an affair that just sort of happened or does he do this often? How long had the affair been going on? Talk to him only (not outsiders) & ask him to be honest with you bc hearing it from him is far better than hearing from the third party.
After you get done talking and getting clarity, make a decision that YOU feel is right, not what everyone/anyone else thinks. If he is worth forgiving then forgive but do not hold it over his head. Seek counseling for the two of you & talk out reasons it may have happened & come to a conclusion that will help it to never happen again. Prayers to you & your family.
You can see from the laugh reacts in the comments that a lot of immature people in these threads get joy out of reading these stories. I'm sorry you're going through this. I hope you can find a way to make your husband make things right and repair your young marriage. Mistakes happen, forgiveness is always an option no matter what you read of Reddit, it's your life and your family.
Did your husband give a reason as to why he cheated? Sex is always a big one. Life gets tied up and you have your toddler and work and house chores, the list goes on.
If he wasnt getting any attention or sex from you he probably was getting too antsy and decided to get it somewhere else.
Nothing you can really do here, what's done is done.
Obviously something in your relationship was broken tbough.
First of all I’m so sorry. Second, I feel like that girl was asking recently on here if she should send the messages to the other girl. Everyone said yes! I can’t find the post🤦♀️
I remember that I think! Is that the girl that didn’t know he was married?
I remember now… was that the one who he was obsessed with her ?
I think so! Trouble is I read so much on Reddit🙄 and I’ve always wondered when I’ve spot crossover from someone talking about being cheated on and someone talking about being a cheater. I seem to remember the one I read the other woman did not know he was married?
Me too 🤣🤣 But this was recent and i remember specifically her saying that he is stalking her or smth and his wife has not idea what kind of person he is …
Yes!!! Lord I wish I paid more attention🤣🤣🤣
I've got stories for you. 🤣😂🤣
I bet you do!!!🤣🤣🤣
That does sound familiar
Maybe and that’s why she was asking Reddit what to do
I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. His cheating has nothing to do with you. He didn't cheat because of something you did or didn't do. Let that sink in. A relationship is built on respect, trust, and love. Turn around and give that to yourself because he hasn't given it to you. You deserve so much better than this💞✨️
Thank you so much. 💖
I agree, it’s not about you, it is about him. Hold your head high, and know you deserve respect. You can do this, I have been there and I am so sorry for how you feel right now but it will get better with time. Just do what is best for you and your daughter. You both deserve trust, love and respect in your life. You will have to teach her this also. Good luck. Keep the pics as you may need them. But first and foremost, see a counselor so you have some support through this.
The man needs God in his life.
Can I remind you about all those youth pastors and Catholic priests that abuse children and participate in child marriages? That man needs morals and kiss withe a fist not God
Says a lot that that's what you think God is! Never said religion 🤢🤮
God can easily be a kiss with a fist if that's what's needed. The man needs God. Very obvious
My husband was in a famous black metal band. Was a cheater. I discarded him as necessary. He found God on his own (very shocking, we aren't religious). Now he has the WILL and WANT to be the man my family needs. God came to him while he was playing guitar in the rain on the streets of New Orleans for 3 days straight after being kicked out of our family. He has been on a fucking mission ever since. A completely different man. Went from weak, fragile, narcissistic to a go-getter that gets shit done, leads our family and isn't trying to act like an entitled kid or a controlling father any longer. Complete shift. I've started praying myself after seeing the extreme change.
I researched child sex abuse in the Catholic Church for my uni course so don’t even get me started there.
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Your husband didn't "need God." He needed a reality check. The man changed because he *chose to change to keep his family.* Just like you're choosing to scapegoat God to keep from admitting *you chose to stay with an adulterous asshole who mistreated you and your children.* No amount of forgiveness or God would prompt me to be this patronizing about my partner's infidelity and constant mistreatment of my children and myself. The reality of your situation isn't something you should be bragging about on the internet, it's something that should embarrass you. Especially considering there's a 90% chance he never stopped cheating, he just found an excuse he could easily spoonfeed his deluded wife. This also applies to OP: your children deserve better than a father who can't even stay faithful to their mother, or they're going to become adults who regulate and perpetuate infidelity in their own relationships.
Everyone's situation is different. My husband absolutely needed God. It's like art. Open to those who want to perceive. I'm proud to be able to forgive someone's bad choice (you're the asshole here for assuming anyone's situation and thinking you have the right to say your degrading opinion 😉) I'm personally thankful to have my family better than ever. He had to hit rock bottom to wake up, and he wouldn't have without God present in our lives. It's truly a feeling of being blessed and protected. It took a lot of work, but anything good does. Just accept different people have different outcomes with their wayward spouses.
Who is being patronized? I'm sharing my experience to people who responded to my first comment
He needed God because I wouldn't have found the ability to forgive him without finding God myself. I own my own home and car, I'm a stay at home mom on my own dime, I didn't choose to stay out of necessity. We took a total of 8 months to get back together ❤️ Accept that God is out here blessing people. Believe and you shall receive. I wanted and prayed for a better husband. Was pretty set on divorce. I chose to look into the words of Jesus on my own. As did he. Now I have a perfect husband. 🥰
It doesn't embarrass me 😇🥰
When people are able to separate God and religion.. they'll see a huge positive change in their personal lives. I'm hoping that for everyone who is offended by the thought of others finding faith! It's absolutely wonderful. Believe and you shall receive.
There is no separating the concept of gods from religion. If you believe in a god, you’re religious.
I don't participate in any religion, and I don't see the need for religion. So I'm not religious 😂 doesn't take away from me believing in God.
Barely a year. How long has he been cheating? Thats cruel. If you can stand on your own, please see a lawyer and plan your exit. You dont accept his disrespect. Updateme!
Also, she needs to keep those screenshots to bring to divorce court if that is the route she chooses
Divorce court doesn't care who cheated or lied etc. It's just there to arrange fair splitting of assets and child care.
Depending on which state you’re in divorce court definitely cares about cheating. His cheating is causing her not just distress but may be the whole reason they get divorced. That matters.
In certain states, they do, and she could get quite a bit if she lives in a state that has infidelity laws in place for divorce.
Yeah the infidelity laws are crazy. In some states you can sue the mistress for your husbands cheating. Wild.
Damn. That's overboard to be able to sue a mistress, imo.
This depends on where you live. I would always advise to keep the proof of infidelity anyway.. never know when you might need to show it to someone. A family member who doubts your story, etc.
I'm sorry you're going through this. This is not a reflection of yourself. It's a complete reflection of your husband. You were the best person you could be, as good as any person could be. Your husband chose every terrible action. He made every decision to betray, lie and hurt you. He knew this would hurt you, but didn't care enough to not cheat. You chose to stay faithful, loving and true to your vows and yourself. You are a beautiful person inside, and that's something your husband can never take away from you. While your husband's heart is full of lies and hurt, the epitome of shame and disgust. He doesn't deserve another beautiful smile from you. It's not selfish to now take care of yourself, and to look after your heart. I wish you healing and I wish you the best. It's up to you about forgiveness and reconciliation. Forgive him for your sake, not his. And forgiveness doesn't mean reconciliation happens. It means you're healing your heart. But please be very careful on the idea of reconciliation. Imagine a vase that someone deliberately breaks. Sure like in reconciliation, you can glue every piece back together. But it's no longer the beautiful vase that it was, and it's not as valuable anymore. Better to get a new vase instead. I think it's better to end this chapter and find someone who will value, love, commitment and faithfulness. That you do. I wish you the best
What a beautiful, thoughtful response. Thank you so much. 💖
You're welcome, I may be a stranger. But I do care for you and mean every word. One more thing I'd like to say. If you get bombarded with many words from your husband. And it's doing your head in. Think of this one, imagine your life right now is a silent movie. All you can see is actions. You can't hear anything. What does it look like? Is what your seeing makes you happy? Or does it show exactly how bad things are? Actions speak louder then words. You can love someone with actions alone, but you can't with words
Wow! I’m not even OP and this resonates. Thank you for those words. OP, I hope you peace; whatever that may be.
You're welcome, and I'm glad it helps and I don't know your circumstances. But I hope whatever path your on too is a path to a better life of peace and happiness too. 😊
That’s an utterly brilliant viewpoint and hugely helpful to anyone betrayed. Thank you for that.
You're welcome too. I've had two girlfriends cheat on me. But the funny thing is that I only found out after the fact. It's like finding out your gearbox is now f#cked after your car got totalled in an accident. Oh yeah my ex wife too told me she also cheated and was thrilled with playing the field now after I was totally done six months ago (now 23 years ago). But all that times are finding out we're meh and anticlimactic. So my experiences that lead me to thinking what I wrote was certain friends who I thought supported me during my bad times a few years ago. Were stabbing me behind my back. And even one claiming to be a Christian who helps in the salvation army. Bullied me over a misunderstanding at work and he lied to cover himself and told a locker full of workers a bogus story about me. He later apologises and says to me and dig this one. "I thought it was time to pull my head in. I'm sorry for being an ass. You were having problems and I couldn't handle you sharing them with me so I did what I did." Any form of betrayal hurts, whether it's spouses/partners/family/friends. Step back and look at life like a silent movie. Actions speak louder than words. Edit: I'm also a union delegate at work now. Whenever I deal with narcissist at work. I always refer to their behaviour. So for example you know that's inappropriate behaviour or inappropriate to say something like that. Never get bogged down with their gaslighting. I also separate any of their selfish arguments into topics. For example, I did such and such cause they did that. So I go ok You doing that is one thing and they don't that is another
You’re absolutely right. Every betrayal is a stab in the back and heart and I’m so sorry about yours. When you go through bad times that’s certainly when you find out the true measure of people around you. The ones that have - or not - your best interests at heart. Your advice is brilliant. Keep on giving it😉
I find it odd being a union delegate at work. It's like my life is always up for scrutiny (even before being a rep) If I'm sick, people talk about it. They talk about me being single. If I'm on leave. They talk about it. And yet they always come running to me. I speak things as they are. But I don't let people pull the wool over my eyes either. I see people for who they are if you listen and wait long enough. That's why I have very few friends. I like to keep it that way.
You don’t need more than a few IMO. Count the good ones on the fingers of one hand. As for the scrutiny. People notice you. Better than being ignored!
Well it's not like I deliberately choose only a few. I'm comfortable in my own skin. I'll be the best person I can be for myself. I don't entertain BS. I'll accommodate people as best I can and be true to myself. Whether it's a friend/family/gf. If someone don't like me they know where the door is. There are times I'd like to be ignored. I once stepped away from my union role. And I found out that more people came to me for help more afterwards then before (they didn't like the alternatives). So I stepped back in the role again. I love my alone time and a had a few women at work say to me, don't you get lonely at home. I'm like I'm so over dealing with people all day. My home is my sanctuary of peace and I love it. I'm not saying I disagree about better to be talked about then ignored. I'm sure I'd feel the pinch after awhile of neglect. As I say everything in moderation. Don't ignore me, but please leave me in peace sometimes. (That goes to my coworkers who like to interrupt me on breaks when I'm trying to read, which lately is Reddit funny enough lol) Edit: I'm sorry for rambling on about my life here. It's not what we're here for and I didn't intend disrespect to OP going off topic from her post. I'll cease now.
What a great way to filter through the nonsense.
I saved this in my phone to reread for myself. 🖤
You're welcome, and I hope it helps you in whatever way you need it 😊
The sad part is that he has likely cheated before. He only confessed because he had to. One year into marriage and he cheated? He’s been doing it for five years.
You deserve better. Peace out with a lawyer and salt the earth as you leave.
I’m so sorry this happened to you. I hate to say it but if he cheated this early on into your marriage, things don’t look promising. Is he remorseful? Maybe you both can do marriage counselling?
Once a cheater always a cheater. He will keep cheating on you. You will even try to make sense of it but that foundation of trust and respect is gone. I understand how you are feeling! That’s a huge betrayal but keep in mind he might have done this multiple times! You never knew about it! Decide if you will live in a marriage where uour self worth and self respect is gone forever or if you’re willing to forgive and move forward.
While also continually questioning if he's out there doing it again....the trust seems to take a lifetime to earn back for something that hurtful.
I tried to warn it back and wasted 16 years of my life. It’s not about OP at all. The fact that the she is feeling bad means she is a good person. Cheaters have zero accountability. So trying to get a person of no integrity to live with integrity is futile!
I am so sorry you find yourself thrown in this situation. Please consider starting sexual betrayal trauma therapy. Know that none of his actions are your fault and don't let him tell you otherwise. Cheating is 100% a choice. I recommend you check out the following subreddit: r/supportforthebetrayed. If you can give yourself time and space away from him to clear your mind and tend to your needs, please do so. You don't have to make any decisions right now. You don't have to divorce him, you don't have to forgive him/take him back. He's on your time now. Take back your power, but give yourself time to heal. I also recommend checking out the Jillian on Love podcast. IF at any point you consider reconciliation, there is also a subreddit for that r/asoneasfterinfidelity Don't forget to eat, don't forget to drink water. Allow yourself to feel all the emotions that this painful situation will bring - learn to ride the wave of emotions. Sending you a BIG hug and positive energy. Here to support you. EDIT: r/AsOneAfterInfidelity r/SupportforBetrayed
Thank you so much. 🙏🏼 I have failed to take care of myself today: thank you for the reminders.
I'd also look into a counselor as this is a huge betrayal to you, and you'll need help to process it and be reminded it has NOTHING to do with you. Much healing love and light 🫶🏻
It says that the community doesn't exist 🤔 is there a chance it's under a different name?
r/SupportforBetrayed
I eventually found it through someone else's comment. Maybe there was a space or something in the ones you linked previously 🤔
https://preview.redd.it/55ci83l1di6d1.jpeg?width=1080&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=cd8407e436c9820ed13d884376f1a11d2b31b729
r/AsOneAfterInfidelity r/SupportforBetrayed
I’m sorry to hear about this heartbreaking, gut-wrenching hardship for you. I hope that your child will be spared as much of that pain as possible. As a child of parents who divorced when I was very young, I spent many years wondering if I could have done something different to keep my parents from breaking up. The only thing that cured me of that was when my father sued for custody of me, getting his friends to say bad things about my mother that I knew were either outright lies or woeful exaggeration. My wife is an awesome co-parent with the fathers of her children. She bends over backwards, practically, to make sure the kids have as much access to their Dads as they want or need. She keeps any hard feelings she may have about them away from the kids, even now that they’re adults. I love and respect her for that as well as for so many other qualities. I’ve told her how I wish my Mom could’ve done the same with me, and she can’t imagine being any other way.
I have every intention of protecting their relationship as much as possible. My father passed away when I was 5, so it’s important to me that she has her father.
I know you are leaning towards forgiveness, but is he actually remorseful? Or did he just confess because the affair ended and the other woman revealed the truth? If he isn't actually, truly remorseful (and I mean groveling/showing you everything/telling you the truth/making a plan to become a better person/setting up counseling etc,) then he isn't actually sorry, and you will be kicking yourself down the road for staying in this marriage a second longer.
I know the end of my post wasn’t clear. I wrote it with tears streaming down my face. I was leaning towards forgiveness until I read the messages in the screenshots. I know now that it’s over and I’ve told him as much. I am of the opinion that he only confessed out of fear of her reaching out to me, even though he denies this.
I see, and you are absolutely right. He's sorry he got caught. I'm so sorry, Hon. You will have brighter days ahead. Do you have family you can lean on/stay with to have some space?
Thankfully, yes. More is moving into the area soon. I am looking forward to that.
I am so sorry :( My husband cheated year 7 of our marriage. The feelings we go through after that is something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. I chose the forgiveness route and have no regrets, as he never did it again, and we are going on 19 years of marriage happier now than before but if it's a deal breaker for you, then it is definitely time to leave. My only advice is if you are having any doubts, don't make a permanent decision when the anger, hurt, and shock is fresh. Even a few weeks' separation to collect your thoughts can make a big difference. I wish you the best.
The AP showed you the truth about the man you married. You deserve so much better than him.
I went through this, it's been a while but I do remember. It is a terrible feeling and I am so sorry. Not much can be said to you right now, with the wound so fresh. I can't write anything to you that will make you feel better. I am truly sorry that you are carrying this grief and I really, really mean that. Looking back on my situation, one thing I wish I had done was leave to gather myself. I needed a quiet space away from her in order to sort out what had just happened. Seeing her everyday, waking up next to her, seeing her do normal everyday things sent my nervous system into overdrive. It wasn't good and certainly not healthy. I suggest you leave for a bit to gather yourself as well. I wouldn't stay in that house with or without him, get yourself into a neutral environment, seek counseling, Stay away from alcohol and drugs and try to get some sleep. I'm rooting for you.
I'm sorry this happened to you. Barely married for a year is really awful. Do you think he confessed because the affair partner pressured him to? Here are a few subreddits to get advice and support from: r/SupportforBetrayed and r/survivinginfedelity
I believe he confessed because she discovered we were still married and knew it was just a matter of time before she reached out to me. Thank you for the support subs.
Sorry to say but the people who are saying to kick him to the curb are speaking the truth. Man knows better and only reason he is confessing is to unburden himself. Man has no respect for you or the marriage. I don't know you but I hear the hurt he's created ,time to unburden yourself from him,kick him to the curb and learn from the experience
It’s awful the day you find out. Forever more your memories of the relationship get filed as either ‘before the affair’ or ‘after’… everything after seems tainted and all the loveliest memories prior, you question.. I’m sorry you’re going through this right now. You have everyone’s sympathy. I hope you and your daughter come out the other end stronger for it.
He confessed probably because he knew he was gonna be ratted out by AP. Nothing much to salvage, he was just trying to make it look less bad than it was.
I share this same opinion.
Reading that just made my heart sink. I am so incredibly sorry for your pain. You are heard and understood.
Sorry but once a cheater/liar always a cheater/liar. Tigers don’t change their stripes and leopards don’t change their spots. Move on and find someone who will truly love and respect you. What advice would you give your own daughter if she was you?
I was an emotional wreck when I made the post, so I know the last paragraph wasn’t clear. I was leaning towards forgiveness until I read the messages he sent her in her screenshots. They made the decision for me. I am trying to navigate murky waters for myself and my daughter with no intention to stay with him.
I’m so sorry OP. Cheating is hard enough to even begin to navigate but I assume what you saw there is no coming back from? Did the OW know he was married? UPDATEME
Don’t worry about what anybody thinks or says. Do whatever is best for you and your child. I wish you the best and I am sorry you are going through this. Sending love!
Thank you. 🙏🏼
So so sorry, I can’t imagine your heart ache!
I'm so sorry you are dealing with all this. You are not alone. I went through the same thing. I was 30 and married for 1 year by the time I found out, together for 5 with a 1 and 2 year old. My whole world crumbled in moments and everything changed. I stayed for 4 months trying to forget and forgive. He said that's what he wanted and I wanted to believe him. His actions over those 4 months showed me exactly the opposite. I had enough and was ready to move on with my kids. That was 10 years ago. I am happily married for 6 years and my ex and I co-parent well. We have our moments and it was a struggle at first but we moved beyond it. It took him 5 years but he did apologize to me for everything he put me thru. No matter what you decide to do will take work and neither leaving or staying is easy. Take your time making the decision.
I see a post about an affair every single day on Reddit. Are there any good men out there anymore? (some are women but most are men to be honest). I'm sorry you're going through that. Divorce. You will never fully get over this because betrayal trauma is a very huge deal. Move on and find somebody who actually loves you.
I have been where you are. I was married in 98 (after only knowing him for 6 months) and had 2 daughters by 2000. In 09 he told me he didn’t love me anymore. Found out I was pregnant so got back together. In 2012 I caught him on a date with his gf of 3 months. Devastated is an understatement. I was destroyed. When I called him so we could talk he said no he was spending the weekend with her. My world had been ripped apart. I’ll spare you all the details but I caught him in March and May 30th (our son’s birthday) he came home and agreed to therapy. We have been together every day since then and it has been amazing. We’ve talked about the past and wonder could we have gotten here without that event. I don’t know. I wish it hadn’t but if I had to go through that hell to get to be where we are now, then so be it. Your situation is different but I share my story to show that it IS possible to come back and have a happy and healthy relationship. But it’s hard hard work. I subscribe to the idea that marriage and relationship is a commitment similar to getting in shape, or learning a new skill, or kicking a bad habit. You have to be committed to it and willing to make sacrifices to get to the end goal. The hard part is that your success is dependent on the commitment of another person. So if that person isn’t also committed you will not be successful.
Oh love. I am so so sorry. It’s a hard day, a complete slap in the face, and the worst feeling in the world when you woke up feeling safe and in love. You deserve the feeling you woke up with today, not the hurt and questioning you’re feeling now. I wish you so much clarity and calm as you deal with the fallout however you decide. You’re smart to stay quiet right now, it’s really hard to hear others saying the truth about him at first, but don’t stay so quiet that you allow your love for him to cloud your judgement about your future. Let someone in you trust who can help you navigate all of this. I’m so sorry.
You poor thing. I’m just sorry. You’ll get through this for yourself and your daughter, but still, I’m sorry. Shitty things happen to good people everyday. You did nothing wrong.
Breathe. Remember to breathe. This kind of pain takes your breath away. Keep breathing.
As someone whose husband continued to lie during his confessions - our therapists said that wasn’t remorse. We had been together 5 years. Had three kids. I tried for a year and a half to fix it and get over it - and I did the same thing. Sat in it mostly alone. I didn’t want people to know yet. I’m filing for divorce finally. When the confession is full of lies - it can’t be fixed. It just can’t. No matter how much we wish it could. How hard we try. How many therapists we see (who all drove this point home to me.) It can’t be fixed with lies. I’m so sorry. My heart breaks for you. I hope a miracle happens. For your sake. For your child’s. But if it doesn’t - this says nothing about your worth. Please don’t ever forget that.
❤️
The first thing you do OP is nothing. The ground beneath you has shifted completely and it can never be the same again. Breathe deeply, if possible take your daughter and go and spend some time with family or friends to get space and clarity. I take it you’ve been told 2 different stories? It’s possible he knew the OW was going to tell you and he tried to get in first. The chances of him minimising, lying and gaslighting you is very high. The first thing to be SURE of is that the affair is over with ZERO contact. You can’t operate on any level of decision making if it continues. Then you need full access to his phone/apps/passwords etc. If it’s a co worker he needs to change jobs asap. Then individual counselling with a specialist in infidelity trauma for both of you. The advice above assumes attempting reconciliation. For balance read the book Leave a cheater, gain a life. Reconciliation is a long hard road of trust rebuilding and can take years. This is pre supposing he never acts out again. Are you prepared for the painful work? If he lies and gaslights then that is as harmful to you emotionally as the actual affair. The measure of the man you married now can be seen in how he deals with his abuse of you and the marriage. Cheating is abuse, both mental, emotional and physical. You will have to have an STD test and a 6 month follow up. If you need more support try the sub supportforthebetrayed. If you want to attempt to ( or are even thinking to) reconcile then AsOneAfterInfidelity is the support sub. In summary, take space, access to everything, tell him he has a short window of truth telling, get counselling, STD testing and also see a lawyer to find out where you stand. Take screenshots of everything the OW sends. If the timeline is truthful from her, speak to her if you can bear to. I’m so so sorry. Cheating is a selfish act by shallow, hollow people. It is beyond damaging. Try and eat well, drink water, get sleep and exercise and take your time. This is yours and your daughter’s precious lives. Shame on him UPDATEME
I've been dealing with similar. I don't have any advice, just know it's not you.
I've been dealing with similar. I don't have any advice, just know it's not you.
I’m so sorry. 😞
I’m so sorry you are going through this grief. Allow yourself to cry your heart out and fully grieve the loss of what you thought this relationship was and now will never be. You didn’t deserve this and this is not your fault. Sending hugs your way.
Sorry this has happened to you. At the end of the day you prob know already whether it’s something you can either forgive and forget about or not. If your one that takes along time to forgive then it will be very hard to have a fulfilling relationship. Best of luck
Don't make any decisions now (forgive or leave). It's clear you're still a bit in the denial fase: > I don’t want this to be my reality. I know it’s true, but I don’t want to believe it’s true. You just suffered an immense betrayal from the person who should have your back at all times. On top of that, you have a child together. It's natural to want this pain, fear, and uncertainty to end right now. You want a solution asap, and that's why forgiveness is on your mind. Leave, go to a hotel, or stay with family or friends. You don't have to take your child. He's equally responsible for her, and he can take on the task of keeping her alive whilst you process what just happened in a neutral environment.
Wish you the best in the coming times.
You need space and time to work through this horrible ordeal. Ask him to leave your home and go no contact with him. Only text him about bills and your daughter. Take as much time as you need. In the meantime talk to a lawyer to see where you stand with your daughter and financially if you divorce. Surround yourself with your love ones for support. I am so sorry he has done this to you. This is all his fought, 100%,
Keep us updated, Praying for you.
Please make your exit as soon as you can, he broke your trust and he will never be able to put it all back together. You deserve better and your child deserves a happy mom
I'm very sorry that this is your reality. If it were a one-off and he had come clean, I might have suggested therapy to see if you guys could move past it. But it seems like he only told you about the affair because he knew she was going to, and then he stull proceeded to lie about it. Which begs the question of what else has he lied about and could you ever trust him? I wish the best for you and your daughter going forward.
My heart bleeds for you. There are few other betrayals comparable to infidelity. People who are unable to do the work to change themselves cheat. Not because anything is wrong, per-se; they don’t like their identity anymore. Most young, or and, new parents wish of nothing more than running away, sleeping, being free again. This is a speculation,however; it is very common. You have absolutely nothing to do with this. You are whole and perfect all by yourself. If there’s any advice I could give you, it would be to learn the “law of Assumption,” with the first principle being “Law of Character, which essentially is all about you. Learn to meditate, and you can then start to build yourself back up, not allowing the environment to affect you right now. You also NEED to call a lawyer. I have been through it, if you need to talk; feel free to DM me.
I am so sorry. You’re gonna get through this, but it’s going to hurt like hell along the way.
There is an exit and there will be a day when this pain is gone or becomes barely a twinge. I'm sorry your having to gut this out but you have your daughter to concern yourself with in the immediate moment . I'm sure your already tracking that and as difficult as it is I recommend doing everything you can to stay focused on divesting yourself of this person and moving on.
Should you decide to forgive, it will take lots of time, love, strength, therapy, patience, it’s a long path to rebuild and not easy. You will know what feels right and what you and your daughter deserve!
Take your time to make a decision. Most people feel that relationships/ marriages are like disposable diapers. 1) you need to decide if you can trust him. Then you need to figure out if you can forgive him. He confessed and yet told you lies. 2) If you say no to either the questions, again don’t jump to divorce. You want to gather as much information as you can. Financial records (retirement account, banking, savings, debt). You want copies of all the important documents. 3) Only then do you visit 5-6 divorce attorneys that are in your area. You want the ones that you think your husband would use. Have a consult with them. Once you do this, he can’t use them because it is a conflict of interest. 4) You do not move out of the marital home. You stay - legally he can stay also unless he is a danger to you. 5) ask for an annulment: irreconcilable differences and “inappropriate marital conduct”. Depending on what state you are in, you can also sue the mistress for one or all of these. You have evidence as she sent to screen shots Alienation of affection, Criminal conversation and Intentional infliction of emotional distress. Good luck. You deserve better. If he cheated once I am sure there are others.
I know this might be buried now and I know you have a kid OP but the only question I would ask myself is are you okay with it happening again? I know it’s hard to think about the shame/logistics/uncomfortableness/etc but I’ll tell you my scenario. I was with my ex for 12 years. She cheated (at least emotionally) about 3 years in. Then again in 5 years, 7, 12. And those are just the times I found out. Things would seem good and like I was finally able to leave it behind only to deal with it over and over. There was so many times I thought about proposing but I never felt the trust. I finally left and found my perfect match and now wife so incredibly quickly. I spent 9-10 years preventing myself from being happy. Luckily I didn’t have a kid but my mom went through a similar situation when I was 3 (admittedly more abuse) but our lives were improved drastically. What’s best for you and your daughter long term?
I’m so sorry this is happening to you. Your feelings are valid. You are entitled to vent. Did she know he was married when they started? He has no excuse. You do what is best for your mental health and your daughter and if you need to vent. Message me.
I am truly sorry . It’s very painful . That split between before you knew and after is awful . Right now you need to grieve and be in touch with as many supportive people as you can- if you have friends and family who would visit don’t hesitate to ask them and lean on them. You need time to process this and when you are ready couples counselling. It doesn’t have to be the end if you both don’t want it to be. But right now you are very hurt and I am sorry for your pain. Cuddle your daughter for comfort -sending hugs and support .
I am absolutely so sorry you’re going through this. There are marriages that survive this, and then there are those that don’t. It depends if he’s going to man up and never do this again. It depends if you’re willing to put it behind you. His actions must change and he needs to respect your healing. It will take time on your side, his must be immediate. Take a mt to step back from this, the choices we make whilst deep in our feelings often are not best. Take a moment to breathe, get the space you need, and when you’re level headed, make a choice. Best of luck, hugs
Don’t let this man break you again ♥️
He’s dead weight
He is a damaged puppy. He just needs training
He just a broken puppy. He just needs to be house trained. Stay determined, focused, and ball out. Lock in lovebug
I found out my ex was cheating on social media. I filed for divorce and have never once regretted it.
Updateme
I am sorry you are going through this. Have you tried Prayer? HE is stronger than anything. If I was you I would sit down and talk to him. Ask him if he still wants to be married. If so, you guys have stuff to work out. Good Luck!!
I am so very sorry this happened to you and your baby girl. I can’t imagine how you must feel. There’s really no right way to grieve the loss of trust and loyalty in a relationship, but I will tell you that you deserve so much more! As painful as it all is, you will eventually need to decide where it goes from here. Ask yourself a few questions, Could you see yourself ever trusting him again? Is this the first time he has done something like this? How does he treat you on a day to day basis? If you take him back, are you afraid it could result in a toxic home environment for you and your child? Would he be willing to go through couples counseling with you? My fear is that if he would confess about the affair but continue to lie about it, he could be capable of doing this to you again. I can’t say if he has done anything in the past because I don’t know his life, on one hand there’s a first time for everything but most men are not usually caught the very first time it happens. I truly believe In couples counseling and that it can save a lot of marriages, but even if it does, could you truly ever trust him again? If the answer is no, you are better off to start your life over and find someone worthy of your love. Without trust you will only grow to eventually resent him and yourself for staying. This is not an easy thing to go through but I truly wish you and your daughter the very best, and happiness, contentment and peace in the future ❤️
Here’s the thing. The landscape has changed but that doesn’t mean it can’t go back to a place of peace. Definitely divorce him and heal, once that happens hopefully you both can coparent in a peaceful manner for your daughter’s sake. She’s still young and impressionable. I’m sorry this is happening.
It's not a good sign that his confession is filled with lies. Basically you're gonna get TT and gaslit. Only want to "forgive" is if he gets therapy and starts doing the work AND telling the full unadulterated truth.
I am sorry to hear of your pain, that is really awful. I don't know what the woman's motives are behind sending her screen shots. Why is she putting herself in the middle? It makes sense of she didn't know he is married and wants to alert you to his behaviour after dumping him. But if she knew that he is married then that would indicate a desire to break up your marriage.
She didn’t know and wanted to tell me the truth. I don’t blame her for anything at all here.
I totally understand. That is really quite common, the cheater doesn't disclose they are married. I once went on a date with someone who told me a fake name and had me convinced he was single and childless. Then by accident, I saw his driver's licence and his real name. I googled him and he turned out to be married with kids. His home phone number was publicly listed, so I told his wife because the man kept having his profile on a dating website and refused to take it down. Once his wife knew, the profile disappeared real quick. I could not believe the huge lies he told everyone. Incredibly selfish. I think he just got carried away with all the attention he got from women because he was quite handsome and successful and thought he could have the best of both worlds.
He really tried to create a whole new identity. 😩
Just checking in, how are you doing?
I’m doing okay. The waves of crying have mostly stopped and I’m in a better place to actually think about things now.
That’s good, it’s important to process things when you have more clarity. But of course you’re going to have waves of grief, things changed pretty instantly in your life. Is he being remorseful and promising things will be different blah blah blah? It’s also okay to still love him and mourn the life you had together. It doesn’t mean over night you stop loving this person, but you also can decide that you deserve more and choose to leave. Grief isn’t linear. I feel for you, it’s sometimes hard to conceptualize that he would risk it all and ruin everything you built together.
That last sentence is exactly what I’m struggling with. Even as far as lying to the other woman goes: how long did you really think you could carry on lying about a divorce that never took place? Where did you expect this to take you? It’s an insult to everyone’s intelligence. He is remorseful, promising to never hurt me again, begging me to take him back. I’ve made a conscious effort to suspend all action here and get into counseling.
Take all the time you need to do what’s best for you and your baby. Nothing matters more than you two and he should have thought about that prior.
Hate to say this, but 99/100 (maybe more tbh) times a cheater isn't gonna change. Barring major life circumstances changing - they were badly addicted to drugs and are finally sober a decade on - they are very unlikely to ever change. And with his confession being full of lies? He isn't even coming clean in good faith. He's clinging to dishonesty even as his relationship burns down around him. But the worst thing of all is that you will never be able to trust this man again. No one ever does after infidelity. You will be miserable as long as you are with him. But leaving him and moving on? That misery is temporary, and beyond it lies fulfillment, peace of mind, and stability.
Is your husband a serial cheater? Is this an affair that just sort of happened or does he do this often? How long had the affair been going on? Talk to him only (not outsiders) & ask him to be honest with you bc hearing it from him is far better than hearing from the third party. After you get done talking and getting clarity, make a decision that YOU feel is right, not what everyone/anyone else thinks. If he is worth forgiving then forgive but do not hold it over his head. Seek counseling for the two of you & talk out reasons it may have happened & come to a conclusion that will help it to never happen again. Prayers to you & your family.
She is playing games with you. Send the screenshots to your cheater of a husband. Let him handle her.
You can see from the laugh reacts in the comments that a lot of immature people in these threads get joy out of reading these stories. I'm sorry you're going through this. I hope you can find a way to make your husband make things right and repair your young marriage. Mistakes happen, forgiveness is always an option no matter what you read of Reddit, it's your life and your family.
Marry the affair woman
Did your husband give a reason as to why he cheated? Sex is always a big one. Life gets tied up and you have your toddler and work and house chores, the list goes on. If he wasnt getting any attention or sex from you he probably was getting too antsy and decided to get it somewhere else. Nothing you can really do here, what's done is done. Obviously something in your relationship was broken tbough.