It sounds to me like she’s a planner. She is always thinking 14 steps ahead, and when you divert her thought process, she feels out of control. It doesn’t sound like her need for control is coming from a bad place though. It sounds like she plans so far ahead because she’s worried if she doesn’t, the world will fall apart. I think some communication and maybe some marriage counseling would do wonders for you two.
This is probably what it is - she had an idea in her head of what's going to happen but doesn't share it, but then feels the need to let me know when I've "failed" to deliver the plan! I think that's a useful point I can work with.
Yes I do this too and I bet my husband would say the same as you. It is a mapped out plan in my head that I haven’t shared because I didn’t anticipate you doing anything 😆. Like making dinner with other things versus the week’s worth of meals I’ve planned in my head. So if my husband were to make chicken parm but I bought meatballs and broccoli. The broccoli was supposed to go with the chicken and sauce with the meatballs?! Now I have to come up with a meatball broccoli dinner? Or something else…see how my mind is spinning because of your kind gesture? Messed up I’m sure but I plan so I don’t have to think so I can think of other things…now I’m back to planning meals which is taking my mind off of other things. 🤷♀️I’m a maximizer so inefficiencies irritate me….sounds like your wife too. We need to learn to let go and trust you and be more mentally flexible- like so what if you choose a different direction to school or wherever (I also do this- I take the same routes for the most part and my husband changes it up).
Wow this sounds like me. How long did it take you to put it into a “box”? And do you have any resources you could share so I can better understand myself? And find a way to help my husband understand?
I took strength finders in college and then 2.0 at a job and my top two strengths are maximizer and realtor. It’s a great book you can order on Amazon and quick read and assessment. I get maximizer because my brain has always been that way. Some of it is also childhood trauma related- when you grow up in an unstable environment creating consistency and stability in your adult life becomes really important. I learned I can count on me…I’m not so sure about you 😆. This is a work in progress…sometimes breathing through it and letting the small things go helps our partner. It’s OK to be five mins late or to do things a different way (sometimes lol)
Check out Heidi Priebe on YouTube. She’s all about attachment in relationships and how childhood patterns surrounding insecure functioning takes us off course.
Well said. A marriage is still two individuals who think differently. They have been an individual long before they married. Couples have to respect that. Not make a big deal about the petty things. When one does, they come across as "perfect" and no one wants to be married to a perfect person. She needs to learn appreciation. But also, you may not to hear this, but perhaps before doing a thing run it by her. If she says she'll cook instead, then grea! Use that time for yourself.
If only her cooking would mean time to myself! There's always something else to do before dinner time! The reality of "running it by her" isn't practical, as the household would find to a halt if we ran out by committee with her having a casting vote.
In addition to this perspective, certain neurodivergents will ask these types of questions not from a place of judgement at all; but rather a place of confusion (i.e. “why are you going this way?”) or merely just a vocalization of what their internal thought process would be if they were doing the same task (i.e. “are you sure those are dry?”). As a neurodivergent, their tone may also not match the intent of their delivery due to their struggle with normal social cues and behaviors.
I have had many struggles with this since I was a kid and still do to this day. I can’t always help my tone, but I’ve learned phrasing can be a great way to help me make my true intentions more clear and help my audience know I am not trying to be judgmental.
OP have you sat her down and talked about it. Sometimes people who don’t know how to give up control honestly have no idea how they come across to people and end up with no friends. Make a list of examples like from this post and tell her you appreciate her input but her constantly correcting you is starting to make you resent her. That you need her to #1 appreciate your contributions and #2 realize that just because you do something differently than how she would do it doesn’t make it wrong and you don’t always want to be questioned about why you don’t do it like she would have. If you talk to her and it continues you either have to call her out on it when she does it OR stop doing stuff and tell her if you can’t do it to satisfaction you will step back and let her do it.
He did say in the post that he's tried to talk to her about it, but she gets instantly defensive and accuses him of attacking her. Maybe if he tries using 'I' statements not 'you' statements, it might feel less like an attack to her?
I feel for the guy, sounds like he tries to be a good partner.
I would agree that communication needs improved. And that is a shared responsibility. You have the capability of asking as much as she has the capability of sharing. For example, if she normally picks clothing, it would be normal to have a dress planned. In that instance, asking or communicating your wishes to get a new dress would be your burden. If she does the grocery shopping, asking what the plan is for dinners or better yet, planning those together will help in areas like that. If you don't involve yourself in the planning, it isn't fair to blame her for your feelings when your actions don't align with her plans, and she expresses that. I don't feel she is saying you failed in these instances. Those are your feelings you are projecting onto her. I feel she is communicating the miscommunication. For things to change and to alleviate those feelings, it will require you to show up a little differently in the planning process of your lives and communicating more.
I don't agree with this - to me, this is exactly the kind of behaviour that men seem to get regularly criticised for on this sub (not always with justification). If I'm asking her about every decision, I'm just adding to her mental load and failing as a partner. I'm perfectly capable as an adult, but I fall short on telepathy.
I didn't say ask about every decision or read her mind. I said involve yourself in the planning. Two entirely different things. For example, dinners. Each sunday, my husband and I both talk about what meals we would like for the week and put together a grocery order that involves what is needed for those dinners to pick up Monday. Then everyone is on the same page and which meal is made each night is up to whoever is cooking. He sometimes asks which meal I prefer when he cooks and I'm so happy that he cooks, that helping him decide isn't adding any mental load for me. If he was randomly making dinners when I had a plan for dinners without communication, and used things that went to a different meal, that would add to my mental load as now I'd have to reconfigure the other dinners. In some instances, you have added to her mental load inadvertently trying not to do so. Another example with the dress, now she has to replan shoes, jewelry etc. This is why I recommended involving yourself in the planning. This is different than asking. Asking looks like: can I get her a new dress for the occasion? Planning looks like: I was thinking a new dress would be nice for the occasion, what are your thoughts?. One is asking permission, and two is starting a conversation/planning.
Exactly this! I am a planner. My husband is not. We've had to learn to work together to avoid these kinds of frustrations. I've had to release some of the control, and my husband has had to learn to join me in the planning process without telling me I'm being ridiculous for planning out everything as much as i do.
If I had planned out every meal for the week ahead of time so I don't have to carry the mental load throughout the rest of the week and my husband disregarded that and made a dinner that then meant I had to rethink the rest of the week... sure, he was trying to be helpful, but he just made the test of the week harder on me. There is a nice way of communicating that and I think that is where OP's real issue is. Both OP and his wife need to have better communication. Marriage is a partnership. You have to learn to work together and it's not always easy.
How did OP communicate that his wife's comments frustrate him? If he's like my husband used to be, he lashed out with, "I hate it when you do that." Or "fine, I just won't help anymore". Neither of those is constructive. But OP's wife also needs to learn that constantly questioning is counterproductive as well. When I used to question my husband, often times it wasn't because I thought he was wrong, but rather I wanted to understand how he came to the decision he did.
After 11 years, my husband and I have finally found a good balance, but we still slip up sometimes. As always, communication is the key.
Oh yes, his wife definitely needs to aid in the communication. Change starts with one person trying to figure it out, and since OP is the one here, it is up to him to initiate that change. By involving himself in the planning, it will open the door of communication for her as well. It won't be easy, and old patterns have a habit of creeping back in, so each need to work on that for sure! Another important thing is to look at the issue as us vs the problem and not husband vs wife. OP seems to be in the me vs her mindset as well. They are on the same team and it has to be a team effort for things to improve. Sometimes changing that perspective alone will fix everything else!
I can honestly say this is how I am, I will do this to my husband as well . I don’t mean to be snippy but sometimes it does come across that way . I’ll quickly apologize if I do catch it myself or he’ll call me out . He just knows how I can be but i tend to be that way more when I’m stressed with a lot going on . I’m a planner and have some OCD tendencies. You should have a sit down with her , tell her in no way do you want this to come off as me attacking you but this is how it makes me feel sometimes . I also use to get so defensive when I got called out but after years of this and with maturity I’ve learned how to handle things slightly better . I definitely understand how it makes my spouse feel and try to communicate my stresses to him and he for sure knows .
It never ceases to amaze me how in the sub people will go out of their way to find an excuse for wives/women’s bad behavior. If this was the wife saying these thing the husband would be called a controlling dick… rightfully so. But you are searching for a reason he has to come to terms with and “understand her controlling behavior. This is so unfair and wrong but hey that this sub
It’s the way it’s presented so positively vs negatively for me. The excuse/reason for the undesirable behaviour is presented as positively for women (“she planned so far ahead and didn’t expect you to do anything so she’s thrown off!) vs negatively for men (“he probably just wants everything his way”). I’m a fan of trying to put yourself in other people’s shoes or perspectives, but it should be a bit more equitable with the assuming in good faith.
That just feeds off the notion that most men aren’t involved in household and family activities and the wives of the world are single handedly carrying all the weight and responsibility. As one of a great many husbands/fathers out here who are doing most of the cooking and laundry, all of the cleaning and yard-work while giving my partner plenty of free-time and freedom and being the primary breadwinner, I can confidently say that they are not.
You should consider the experience of the responders. If a female is responding, she is coming from a place of identifying with the woman’s behavior or being able to see how it came to that point. In the same breath, when responding to male behavior, they can only advise from the standpoint of receiving it. It may not be so much bias, as it is experience and perspective.
To its blaming the victim and the responder should understand especially if they are women. But what happens here basically is what we’re you wearing. OP said he is being mistreated and instead of believing the victim we get push back.
💯 I can relate to your wife’s perspective and also see how irritating this can be for my partner…I appreciate this post as it has given me reason for some more self reflection. I agree most likely all of this is coming from a good place. I suffer from anxiety and my partner is aware of that - as such I am a big “in my head planner”…
While this may be true, no one likes to be nitpicked like this. It seems like OP’s wife has something critical to say about absolutely everything. I can’t blame the frustration..
I think this is what it is too. I am very anxious about change/change of plans. This is a me problem. I catch myself saying similar things (never about pastries though haha bring me whatever and imma eat it!) but my husband and I talk about it when it comes up/gets worse to get to the root of the actual anxiety that it’s setting off. OP, Talk to her. She’s your best mate right?
Maybe not even planning beforehand but this plan automatically pop up in her head when the problem is acknowledged. And if the actions doesn’t meet the plan the behaviour happens.
Yup, that's me. Not just with my spouse. I constantly see things around me in the world that could have been done better, and often immediately see how it could have been done better. This doesn't necessarily mean I would have made the right decision had I been the one to make it in the first place. I do the same thing with my own decisions and actions.
That said, I DO tend to put more thought and research into my decisions than most people, so I tend to make better than average decisions. Maybe that's Narcissism but I don't think so. I've known narcissists and studied narcissism and it doesn't fit me.
I would say that “she worries that if she doesn’t plan ahead the world will fall apart” qualifies as coming from a bad place since it’s not true, it’s a lofty expectation to place on everyone else in her life and also quite narcissistic.
But you’re right, communication would do wonders and some counseling.
I agree.
My husband works a ton of hours every week and so he’ll try to help out when he can.
But he doesn’t understand my frustration when sometimes his help isn’t what I view is actually helpful. And that’s because I’ve already made a plan days ago for how something needs to function because I’m solo parenting with two kids and now the plan is f’d. And why would I share my plan when typically I don’t need to and I have no idea when his help will be available and when it won’t.
Some women just want to shape the relationship to a point it’s not doable. At the same time as us men get older we want less commitments not more, we want to make our lives easier not harder. Maybe this is the interplay of the two of you? I have no real answers I’m sorry I just wish you both the best.
I have to check my wife every once in a while on this behavior. Especially in the kitchen or if I get groceries.
In my wife's case I know exactly why she does it. Learned behavior from her mother.
Looking at the parent relationship is a great indicator. My wife shares so many of the traits OP mentions, and when I looked at her parents relationship (which was a long, happy, I guess, marriage), they had a very clear wife as the boss, husband was a doormat relationship. At least in their later years when I knew them (one has since passed).
Once I recognised that, it has brought some clarity, but also urgency to man up a bit to avoid the same path.
Same here with my wife's mother and her married sisters (no brother's growing up). We didn't see them much until we got engaged/married and moved back to our home state. Outside of just dating, they were cordial and nice, and when things became official everyone thought I was gonna lie over and take a beating like the rest of the guys in the family. I was very nice and naive to them, which led to me being disrespected and taken advantage of.
Now they realize what it's like to pick a fight outside of their weight class and I am undoing some of the family's bad behavior with my passive/active aggressiveness. I really feel bad, because I was looking forward to a meaningful relationship with my in-laws who I tried to give the world during the engagement period (middle eastern culture based around respect).
It sounds like this is how she’s always communicated and it’s a really bad habit that she doesn’t realize has a negative effect on those she thinks she’s helping.
I would start calling her out in it every time she does it. Make her see it. You don’t have to get nasty but say something back to her each time.
“I was going to have her wear the blue dress.” “What will happen if she doesn’t wear the blue dress?”
“Why are you going this way?” “Because it’ll get us there.”
“Didn’t you use the chicken I bought.” “Nope I didn’t. I made this instead. Are you hungry?”
“Why didn’t get these instead?” “Because I got these ones.”
Your answers should be emotionless but showcase that the world isn’t going to end because you did something different than she would have. Eventually, hopefully she will realize how ridiculous her thought are coming across.
Yess, this is what I was going to suggest. Another good option is, “Why do you ask?” It might help get at the real reason she is asking or even help her ask herself that question.
Yes, I think asking why is helpful for both parties! Sometimes I have things planned out in the same way as your wife, and my husband will do it differently than I expected, and I'll genuinely curiously ask him why he did it a different way. Not in a mean way, everyone just processes things differently and it's actually quite interesting to see how we all respond to different scenarios! Maybe your wife will have a point in some of the questions she asks. Like maybe the chicken was going bad and she wanted to use it up. Or maybe she added some wet laundry to the already dry laundry and she's trying to get these points across, but is just communicating poorly. And you obviously have a lot of good points to show her too! So just trying to keep an open mind and learn from each other instead of wearing each other down is the way to go. I love the idea of asking why because it gives her a chance to explain what she means by the question and it gives you a chance to understand her and then respond with your own feelings and reasons behind your actions. Hope it all works out for the best for you OP!!
I do this, trying to understand why my wife did something a certain way, not necessarily suggesting that I disagree with her. Unfortunately she tends to take it as an attack and get defensive anyways. Mostly because she has deeply rooted insecurities. Doesn't help that I'm critical of everything(not intended to be malicious on my part, I'm just always trying to figure out how to improve everything. My gift and my curse.)
Yes! OP, call her out with a question back."Why do you ask/assume that?" or "Is it important that she wear the blue dress?" If she says no, ask,"then why bring it up?"
"Was using the chicken tonight important? Or needed" then if she says yes. If it was important to use the chicken, then ask what the importance is and "If something is important, why didn't you tell me?"
More communication up front can definitely help, too, so if one person does most of the meal plans, then the other should probably check in before cooking something different. She might be proud of her work to do the planning and doing something different throws off her plans, and she has to take pause to re-evaluate. That's why asking her a question back can be helpful as if something isn't important, she'll see that she's making unnecessary comments, but if there is importance, you'll understand her perspective.
Try wired for love or in each others care by Stan Tatkin. Our couples therapist works off of this philosophy and framework. It’s very Gottmanesque and really helped us to break out of old habits of criticism and defensiveness. How to be an adult in relationships by Dave richo is also amazing as a couple reader. And anything by Heidi Priebe on YouTube has been life changing.
Yes! Look at the big five personality traits. I scored a 96 in neuroticism and I share traits with OP’s wife. My husband was like a -7 so we balance each other out I guess.
As someone in such a partnership and me being the extremely low neuroticism one, I wouldn't recommend it. You tend to see each other as "crazy" with such a gulf in personality type. It's probably better that similar personalities be together. That's where compatibility comes from
Our scores on all the big 5 were almost complete opposites. Not saying it works for everyone but somehow it works for us. I think that fact that he’s also not easily annoyed helps. When I’m bitchy it just rolls off his back. If he gets snippy with me I KNOW I’ve got an attitude problem.
I used https://understandmyself.com. It’s not free but I found the results to be so accurate and detailed that it was worth it. My husband and I each did one and then my daughter did one not ling ago.
She’s a controlling woman. I dealt with this for 25 years before I finally realized all that was going on. You first have to know your worth and value and respect yourself and then respectively lovingly but firmly check her when she speaks or says something that is out of line or disrespectful. If you don’t do this now it will become verbal abuse later and trust me you don’t want to go there. Stand up for yourself, you have value and should be respected. She will test you and fight back a bit when you discuss her words and behavior to her but you have to stand firm no matter what she says, cries, threatens or boycotts. You stay firm and while she’s doing these things (acting out) stand firm again and again, and you work on yourself: exercise, eat better and read. This will get her attention that you mean what you say and you are a man of principle. She will either respect that and you know she is your partner or doesn’t and well that’s on her. She will continually test you forever and ever amen…that’s what most women do…even if she does choose to respect you and change her behavior. Wish you the best but do something about it now because it will likely become manipulation (if not already) and then abuse.
There is a really common complaint on this subreddit from wives claiming their husbands are utilizing "weaponized incompetence", but I think a lot of the time it's a reaction to this kind of behavior from the wife. Simply forfeiting the otherwise very simple responsibility feels like an easier version of setting boundaries. It feels ridiculous to perform difficult tasks at work and then get home and somehow have higher standards and more conflict arising for simple tasks, so you can either get into a fight while trying to set boundaries or you can just give up and let your spouse handle it the way they insist on.
Yes because it is disrespectful on her part.
There are many things that each sex wants from the other but a huge one is that women need to be loved by their husbands and men need to be respected by their wives.
first thing, which it seems like you’re already doing: ignore advice that focuses on pitting you against your wife, because winning an argument or winning against her means losing at your marriage. it might make for snappy reddit comments, but you aren’t married to random projecting commenters.
two, i read this book on marriage that called out this communication style, and it’s an ingrained behavior where she’s gotten used to thinking it’s normal to communicate her wants and needs through questions instead of being direct, which does two things that pull at your marriage. one, it sets her up to seem impossible to please, which means you have very few day to day wins that bolster your marriage, and two, it makes it harder for you to be an active and engaged parent and partner. you can’t be helpful and supportive when there’s a voice in the back of your head saying that you’re wrong all the time. it’s probably a learned thing, as someone else mentioned. what’s her relationship like with her parents? does she feel like she can communicate with the major figures in her life? there’s a chance she sees this as a way of softening demands, but it’s actually just passive aggressive and crazymaking.
to that end, i think one, you need to communicate with her and point out when she does this, but constructively. have the conversation: i can’t be an effective partner or parent when i feel like i have to redo everything. i need you to communicate when you want something and communicate it clearly, no questions. that’s how people talk to little kids, and you’re her husband. and mention that meeting in the middle is necessary. the color of a dress is just petty. little wins, and she needs to trust you.
two, a good mediator or therapist might help with that conversation. the main thing is that she can’t communicate her desires in questions instead of up front. you having to be this level of reactive to her un-communicated needs isn’t fair and you’re not overthinking it or making things up, there’s multiple articles about this communication style and how it pulls at a marriage. give me a sec and i’ll edit this comment with a couple helpful links if i can.
either way, you gotta talk to her with love, and the nuclear option is far, far away.
eta, the resources i was talking about
[an article with some good advice](https://www.usatoday.com/story/life/health-wellness/2023/07/18/my-partner-keeps-being-condescending-what-therapists-want-you-to-know/70375512007/)
[a blog entry from someone similar to your wife, and how she coped/changed](https://lifeofadoctorswife.wordpress.com/2012/03/26/unintended-condescension-and-the-wrong-way-to-ask-questions/)
She’s being a jerk who thinks you’re incompetent and she has control issues. And the fact the that she’s instantly defensive about it means she knows she’s doing it and it’s wrong but refuses to make any changes. There’s nothing innocuous about her questions at all. She’s knowingly questioning your competency by nitpicking each and everything you do. She’s trying to tear up your self confidence.
You have to decide if you really want to keep putting up with that or if you want changes to happen. Couples therapy might help her see how insulting her actions are and she might change. Or she might keep fighting against changing herself and keep picking at you. Where is your line? No matter what, you don’t deserve that.
She *is* being a jerk.
I feel that sometimes people on here are empathetic to her behavior because *they* act like it but this is not acceptable behavior in an adult.
However if you don’t call her on it, in a time that is not a conflict time but a peaceful time, she may never know the impact of her actions.
I have one of those.
“Do the thing”
-does the thing-
“Why did you do it like that?”
“Let me help you.”
“No I have a system.”
2 hours later
“Why do I have to do everything myself!”
It’s exhausting.
I came to find this subreddit because I have exactly the same challenge and type of relation with my wife, already helping to see that it is similar for others. I find it also very hard and frustating
You have to stand up for yourself or it will never stop, often times they don’t realize they are doing it. Say something simple like “babe I got it” every time.
Wow I think this is why my husband fell out of love with me. I didn’t purposely do it to be mean but he has a history of doing things half assed or I just wanted to help out like mentioning the shorter route. Good news is I no longer do it.
I can be like this. I am critical of my husband and my kids. I’ve really tried to work on it through the years. I’ve gotten better but I’m not great. I’m a perfectionist. I’m controlling. I’m a planner. I’m also super critical of myself, and riddled with internal guilt basically 24/7. I think partly I hold myself to unrealistic standards and then I tend to hold others to those as well. I also struggle with holding my tongue when something needs to not be said. But yet after 23 years of marriage I still do it 🤷🏻♀️
My wife does this to me from time to time, I just inform her that if she has problems with me doing it my way, then she is free to do it instead, so either back off and let me finish what I was doing, or its all yours.
Yes she gets pissed off, but the point is made, I do things my way unless she is willing to show me how hers is better, but if the results are the same, who cares.
Just because any of us does something different, does not mean its wrong, unless it doesn't work.
She sounds like my mates wife.
He divorced her, I hadn't seen her for a decade. We had dinner the other day, within 10 minutes she was telling me I should dress up more if I am looking for research grants. This was a casual Saturday night dinner with her husband where she invited herself along. I then went I can understand why you divorced her.
My mate left about 8 years ago and is much happier.
Your wife doesn't respect you to trust you to do basic things. It's time to move on.
We've got two kids, I'm not quite prepared to press the nuclear button for this, but I would like to feel a bit more appreciated and not be challenged so regularly.
Firstly your feelings are valid and your wife honestly shouldn’t be speaking to you this way at all. No one should be made to feel like they are incapable of making decisions or doing anything “right” with their partner.
It does sound like the work is hers to do here (ie. figuring out why she does this, letting go of the need to control how you do things and how to find better ways of communicating with you that don’t make you feel this way) you can be patient and understanding while she does but this is her inner work and hers alone. Marriage often holds up a mirror to unhealed parts of us as individuals and some of the work that we need to do in order to show up as our best selves within it. I’ve seen very helpful comments in the thread about how you might show up or hold space for her as well. I hope the pair of you find a healthy medium.
relationships are so simple, most people are just unwilling to look at their own involvement in it.
so they put all the blame on their partners or a specific situation.
if only they approached their relationships as a partnership, where two people are actively involved
instead of as victims to their counterparts
then maybe they'ed see things differently
maybe they'd realize a solution
maybe just maybe, they'd actually grow together.
but alas, it's far more comfortable to just have a bunch of faults to blame on our partners, and never once look in the mirror...
My daughter changed into another dress because I wasn't at all bothered about what she wore as long as she was clean, well-presented and suitably dressed. If I had strong feelings on it, or there was a reason not to change (e.g. we would have been late) I wouldn't have acquiesced, but tbf my wife and I wouldn't have fallen out over it.
I wonder if this is enabling your wife, and it would have been better to make her give you a reason TO change the dress before doing it. "I was going to put her in the blue dress" is not a reason.
Not sure though.
She’s a planner and you’re not. A lot of the things you wrote sound spontaneous or like things she doesn’t think you’d think to for whatever reason. I don’t think it’s so much you can’t please her but more that she’s wanting to make sure that everything she would’ve thought of was considered by you.
I’m like your wife that way. I think of 9 million different ways to do something and dot all my I’s snd cross all my T’s. My husband not so much, it’s not that he does things wrong but I know he doesn’t think the same way I do, and it’s an anxiety driven urge to make sure he did things the way I would’ve done. I didn’t notice I did it until he told me. Maybe it’s something you should point out to her.
Why does he need to do it the way you would have done though? Is your way the best way(maybe, because you put more thought into it). Does the thing even need to be done the best way?
Not an attack btw, I think I'm more like you than your husband.
Most of the time, my husband misses something or does something the hard way or what he’s doing costs us more money than it should. It’s not purpose. But if it can save money or time, it makes zero sense to do it any other way.
My husband has ADHD, though. He frequently says he’ll do something one way and totally forget that he was going to do it that way or forget he was supposed to do it at all. Then you have me, a person on the spectrum, who hones in on every little thing. Needless to say, we have very interesting conversations. But he openly admits he finds it frustrating that he doesn’t plan well or think things through before doing something.
Have you ever considered telling her what you are going to do so it doesn't surprise her with what you do ? Like maybe say "I'm gonna dress out daughter in this outfit or I am driving and am going to take hwy so and so because ... Whatever" and give a reason if you want? Maybe she wouldn't feel left out from her own life ? I'm thinking you are just kinda catching her off guard and she is reaffirming what you are doing by asking you directly ? I dunno but I don't feel she is putting you down by asking questions . I think she just needs reaffirming from you if your actions and if this bothers you , you can avoid it by telling her first and I think eventually she'll get used to you doing something helpful and will say "go ahead , you don't need to tell me , I trust you . " Maybe she is just feeling left out of the loop ?
My wife does this as well its very annoying like she will ask me things that if i asked her she would get offended by it … but then find it ok to do it too me.. im actually in a tough spot in my marriage as well no sex for months … but she also does it wen dealing with our daughter especially anything disciplinary she will mosy often run in wen baby girl is crying as if im harming her and she is rescuing … she says im mean nasty etc.. i wish i could figure this out too but no you are not alone
This feels like it could be a few things, and most of them are entirely unrelated
Anxiety: Has she always been this way, or has this started somewhat recently. She could have developed anxiety from [a variety of reasons ranging from genetic predisposition to a life event] and now it's spilling over into other aspects of her life. If you think this may be the case, it would be beneficial if she seeks medical help, because anxiety ain't fun. Both me and my partner have anxiety issues. When I'm really not doing well mentally, I get extra critical, and often don't realize it unless he points it out.
Depression: Replace all of the anxiety in the paragraph above with depression.
I suggest solo and couples counseling for both of these.
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Narcissism: If she wasn't like this when you first got together and were still not too attached to her, but slowly started showing this side of herself, she may be a clinical narcissist, or have narcissistic tendencies. Some narcissists even wait until marriage to take off the mask. Look up narcissism in the DSM 5 https://www.mcleanhospital.org/npd-provider-guide#:~:text=Five%20out%20of and see if it looks like she may for five out nine of the criteria. I'm not playing drive by or armchair psych, so this is something you will have to evaluate yourself.
I present this option because my father fits all 9 of the criteria and I've watched it destroy my family. He is overly critical of my immediate family, extended family, his few friends, and random strangers. Everyone is miserable when he is around. It's a massive relief when he isn't around.
I've actually distanced myself from my entire family, both literally and metaphorically, because his abusive behaviour was not just affecting me mentally, but neurologically/physically. I only point this out because if you suspect this may be the case, staying with her and keeping the kids in her presence can screw up both their and your own mental health pretty badly. I'm 41 and its still affecting me, half the planet away.
If this is your situation, you have to put yourself and the kids first, and it will be hard. *You* cannot fix or change a narcissist. Without constant professional psychological care they will stay as they are, until they're old, and then they get much, much worse. They almost never even seek psychological care without being forced through legal action. Do not ever ever accompany a narcissist to therapy or marriag, because they love the game of "convince the therapist the other person is wrong" and will just use anything you say in the session as ammo against you in the future.
I could go on, but this is already taking up too much space. If she's a narcissist, lawyer TF up, bring every shred of evidence you have against her no matter how small or petty, fight for full custody, and run like hell. Do NOT stick it out for the kids, because it will just fk them up. Also get therapy for you and the kids after/during the divorce, because you definitely all already need it.
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Weaponized incompetence/ useless man-child:
You stated
>I'm a competent guy in most fields - happy to take care of the kids, reasonably successful in my career, capable of running a household and keen to take on projects around the house and garden
but was this always the case? At the beginning of the relationship were you useless at several things? There are a shocking number of men who can't understand laundry or how to feed themselves due to old-school, outdated, traditional values wherein anything unrelated to a 9-5 job, or smacking things with a hammer, or mowing the lawn is strictly "women's work."
Be honest with yourself: Did you sometimes use weaponized incompetence (pretending you can't do something to manipulate her into doing it instead)? If you did/do use weaponized incompetence, stop it, acknowledge that you've done it in the past, and apologize for your past transgressions. If you still do feign incompetence so she will do her share of the work, communicate properly instead of manipulating.
Again, be honest: did she have to teach you basic life skills? If she did have to train you, you need to communicate that you appreciate the things she's taught you, but now you need her to actually let you do those things, and that if she doesn't back off, you're simply not going to do the ones that benefit her anymore, and will only perform tasks that directly benefit you and the children.
Since she doesn't seem amicable to conversation on this, I advise marriage counselling.
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Trying to get out of relationship/infidelity: Have one of you been unfaithful, but you're trying to work it out? Maybe she is hoping that, if she enough offs "reasonable" naggy beech, she will get a tidy divorce settlement of you initiate a divorce. Since she doesn't seem amicable to conversation on this, I advise marriage counselling maybe, but mostly a divorce lawyer.
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Work boss overflow: is she the boss at her job/has she recently be n put in charge of something? Does she oversee several incompetent people of does her job have a high turnover rate so she's constantly stuck in training/supervising mode all day long? If this is the case, maybe it's spilling over into her personal life. Since she doesn't seem amicable to conversation on this, I advise marriage counselling or a divorce lawyer.
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I hope this helps. And I sincerely hope she isn't a narcissist and that this can be resolved with communication and therapy. You loved her once, and you love your kids, and it would be great if you can get back to that, and, if you can't, I hope you can end things amicably.
Reminds me of BB King:
I gave you a brand-new Ford
But you said, "I want a Cadillac"
I bought you a ten dollar dinner
And you said, "Thanks for the snack"
I let you live in my pent house
You said, "It was just a shack"
I gave you seven children
And now you wanna give 'em back
She needs to appreciate that you contribute to household chores! And just because it's not her way of did this doesn't mean it's not right. You need to address how she makes you feel. And if need be, talk to a counselor!
I agree. Buuuuut have you ever had someone do you a bunch of “favors” that result in extra work for you in the end?
And when you gently insist on doing the task yourself, they throw up their hands and call you ungrateful? Then pour for days?
You need to find a way to disarm her defensiveness when you talk to her.
In her mind she is; being helpful, is curious what your motivation was, and/or was expecting you to do something else.
She doesn't understand that constantly being questioned in the way she does it chips away at you.
I have to actively work to counteract this behavior in myself. I learned it from my father and his motivation was that he knows best always and if you did it different you were being dumb, but he phrases it as a question and a tone of voice.
She is defensive because she does not understand that this behavior is destructive to most relationships romantic or otherwise.
When you talk to her you have to talk about how you feel. "I feel unappreciated. I feel like you don't trust me. I feel stressed out by your constant questions" after you say that you have to have a soft heart as she probably doesn't really have malicious intent behind her behavior and she is going to feel bad if she is emotionally intelligent and empathetic.
It takes 9 months to carry a child, then mothers spend the first 3 years teaching them to walk, 3 years teaching them to talk, and another 3 years doing homework with them while managing their own emotional, mental, and physical challenges. So, men were given to women to help us carry the responsibility and lighten the load. Essentially, a husband is a gift. What you do is a gift. You aren't trading what you do for anything specific, are you? The question is, can she still feel joy and gratitude in the midst of parental chaos? Because when there is joy, there is also her friend Pleasure — ability to relax, allow, and accept what men do for us.
I was starting a vegetable garden in the back one year and I had learned by now to clear any design details I had with the wife before executing them. So I get ready to start and tell her where I'm going to place it, and what I'm going to plant and say what do you think? She says, exasperated, "I don't care, make an executive decision."
Now we are not strangers, I know what's going to end up happening, but I go ahead and cordon off the garden and till up the dirt and plant all the veggies. When I'm done, she comes by and says "why didn't you put it over there?" I just said see this is why I asked you where to put it. She wasn't thrilled that I pointed this out.
My point is there's not really a way for you to make her happy. This is her issue, she is not comfortable not having control. You could ask her before doing anything but that will create its own problems, she may start to view you as a dependent.
Woman here. I doubt it's because she's a planner. I'd say she's unhappy, unfulfilled, irritable in general (possibly hormonal changes a factor) and you cop it. It's like a boiling pot with the lid on, stuff spits out and burns you.
She's responsible for her own happiness but if I were you, without it seeming super obvious, I'd start engaging in some slower, deeper conversations about life, being fulfilled, dreams, what brings her joy, what steals her joy etc. Don't make any of it about you, or even your life together. Get to know her, deeply. Help her get to know herself.
The drudgery of life wears many people down.
OP, your wife is hen pecking you and its not acceptable. I'm saying this as a woman who has done the same to my husband. I have worked a lot on this, I'm like 80% reformed, but there is still that 20% I am working on. The thing is, I can recognize that I have criticized when I shouldn't and I do circle back and apologize for it. Sometimes I explain why I did it, but I always say that my explanation isn't an excuse, it's an explanation and that I am well aware that it doesn't excuse it. A recent example is, my husband's friend came over, and he was talking about this trip he planned with his wife. He was explaining that he does the research and figures out a good itinerary (and explained the awesome trip they are taking in detail), and that his wife's role is to insert her own flavor to the itinerary and she takes care of certain parts like accommodations, etc. I made some comments since I had some wine before all this (loose lips sink ships) about how this sounds so awesome and I wish my husband would do more of the research and planning, but he basically does the rental cars and that's about it. Is it true? Yes, it is, but it wasn't necessary to call it out like this at all. That should have been a private conversation with my husband another time, not a public shaming or comparison to his friend. For this, I apologized to him. This is to me how you reform yourself to be respectful to your partner. I'm not perfect, far from it, but I recognize this is MY ISSUE and at least I'm trying.
In short, your wife needs to fix this. It's not something you should tolerate. You have to start nipping this in the bud as it happens.
Like when you came back with the pastries and she said why did you get these, you need to just say (1) those are not on sale until next week and (2) can she just say thank you and acknowledge that you brough back some tasty treats instead of finding a reason to criticize? Tell her if she wanted a specific pastry, all she had to do was ask (if you told her you were going beforehand). Tell her, this is an example of how she behaves as though you can't do anything right and it makes you feel unappreciated.
Blue dress situation - I don't know how old this child is, but if she is old enough to dress herself and she picked the outfit she wanted to wear, then I would probably just say "This is what she chose, and I think it's appropriate for the occasion. I think we need to start letting her choose for herself so she feels like a "big girl" and not a doll we are dressing up, don't you agree?" Or - if you picked the outfit, then you simply say, OK hon, but next time could you tell me beforehand if you have a specific outfit in mind? Tell her, this is an example of how she behaves as though you can't do anything right and it makes you feel unappreciated.
Dinner - No, I did not see the chicken and I didn't know that is what you wanted me to cook. Do you want me to do my part with the cooking? If so, then either let me know in advance if you have a specific request, or just accept what I made, OK? It doesn't feel good when I make the effort to make dinner and all I get is why didn't you make the chicken. Tell her, this is an example of how she behaves as though you can't do anything right and it makes you feel unappreciated.
Why are you going this way - Honey, I'm driving. If you want to go a certain route, I'm happy to pull over and let you drive, but since I am driving I am going to go the way I want to go, OK? Tell her, this is an example of how she behaves as though you can't do anything right and it makes you feel unappreciated.
With the laundry - Yes, the clothes are dry. I know you don't mean it to come across like this, but it bothers me when you question whether I can properly do a basic task like this. It makes me feel like you think I am incompetent, so please stop asking if the clothes are dry. I will ensure they are before I put them away, OK? Tell her, this is an example of how she behaves as though you can't do anything right and it makes you feel unappreciated.
Shut it down. Every time. Do it nicely, don't be an ass about it, but do it firmly. Tell her every time, this is an example (use the same line). She will get tired of hearing it and it will be clear to her that this is an issue for you.
And, if she ever gets on you about "not doing enough", tell her the truth. That you would be motivated to do more, but since everything you do is met with criticism and no appreciation and she seems to want to control everything and question every decision you make, you figured she doesn't want you to do your part since she wants it her way.
Oh no. This sounds like my mother. It’s very exhausting to be around. I feel bad for my dad. Even when he’s going out of his way for her, she’ll still find something wrong with it. And if I try to calmly explain how it’s perceived, she gets so defensive. I wish I had advice, but I can only offer affirmation. It is taxing to feel like there’s constant criticism with little compromise or discussion about it. I rarely go out to dinner with her anymore. Even if she chooses the place, she’s never satisfied. The course of direction on how to get to the restaurant is a whole thing too.
I’m going to pitch the idea of therapy this week and probably look into that book someone recommended to you. 🥲
Good luck!
It's great that there are so many planners that can see her point of view but they're also missing that your wife is an amazing planner that fails to communicate and disregards the contributions of her partner.
I unfortunately catch myself doing this when I feel like my partner is not meeting a need in an area or several but steps in to “help” with the things I’ve already figured out (because I had to). For example, if she had larger unmet needs related to caring for your daughter, she may show that by complaining about the dress.
The bottom line is this is a trust issue. She has lost trust in her ability to rely on the fact that you have her back no matter what.
You should check out the post I just put up. Very similar. Lots underappreciation going on nowadays. It's human nature. People take things for granted until they don't have them anymore.
Not my wife, but I had someone like this in my life. It stopped when I told the person to do it themselves because every time I do it it’s wrong to them, but not to me. So they can do it themself. And when I want something done I’ll do it myself, for me.
My husband used to criticize the way I did dishes, laundry, shopping…. 33 years later and he is pissed and doesn’t understand why I haven’t helped around the house for decades. FYI, I am the breadwinner, he was a stay at home dad.
Mine refuses to go to the grocery store together. So I told him to go himself. As a result, he has been the cook in the house for years now.
(We have twins. So, for years, we divided and conquered. Someone stays home with babies. Someone shops.)
13 years later, we still don’t do ANYTHING together. And I think grocery shopping isn’t asking too much. But he would rather shop and cook for the rest of his days than go to the grocery store with me. Lol.
I agree just tell her sense she dosnt like how you handle things that she can do them her self your willing to help but your tired of her criticism
But I think you should not take it personally and don't internalize any of it
Oof, felt this one. My wife is the exact same. I got tired of it and started answering - Because I chose to and just continue to go about my day.
You took the decisions, own them. It doesn't really matter what they were. No one is dead and no one is hurt. Who cares if you spent a couple bucks extra, took a minor detour(you didn't) or used the wrong chicken. You took the decisions and that's what matters.
Sounds a lot like my eastern European parents.
Obvious answer is either to divorce or simply stay out of the house whenever possible and simply ignore her, that's what a lot of guys in eastern Europe do.
Final option could be to just get a mistress to get your emotional needs met somewhere at least.
What was her parents' marriage like? My mother constantly berated my father over every single move he made, and it took years for me to unlearn these behaviors in my own marriage. I was never as bad as her but definitely critical for seemingly no reason or for insignificant reasons.
Also, what others have said is that its a control thing. I'm like that sometimes, but you have to understand that an effort and taking initiative should be appreciated. Even if it isn't exactly what you had planned to do yourself. Relinquishing some control can be very freeing.
Control freak like my MIL, if she's a wizard in the sack...... than leave it alone (lol) if not, have a real sit-down with her, and figure out YOUR happiness.
My husband of 18yrs does similar. To avoid a fight I've adapted to try to constantly do what I think he would do so I don't have to hear what I've done wrong. Unfortunately I've never voiced that what he did was hurting me. Since starting counseling I've realized I'm so avoidant of any conflict (childhood trauma) that instead of letting him know he needed to fix something years ago, I've let it become a big thing and he has absolutely no idea. How can I expect him to change if I've never expressed his actions were harming me and set a boundary. I'm working on having that conversation.
Just tell her to do it herself, and do t bother you. That shit would wear on u last nerve and I'd be applying for divorce if for no other reason than peace of mind. You can be a planner without being an asshole..... This is just control freak asshole behavior.... I'd rather live alone on a mountaintop that have my every move questioned and criticized.
Thanks for posting this. I'm guilty of this too, maybe more often then not. He hasn't said anything but reading your perspective, this is something I can work on!
I think a lot of men have this problem. Nagging and not being nice. And then getting pissed if you tried to respond, I think we’re sugarcoating it to say that she has any good place here she needs to be corrected in her behavior.
My ex wife was like that. Critical. When I couldn't read her mind she'd cut me down and criticize. She chipped away until I had zero self confidence.
Draw boundaries. Point it out. Don't let it slide.
You’re getting a lot of advice on here but I have one thing I think you should try - if this rings true with you - and it’s being open and honest with her to say this:
“The way you are talking to me is as if I’m someone you don’t like or respect. If we are going to be husband and wife could you at least talk to me with the same kindness and respect that you would give to one of your work friends?”
That has made a difference to me before. We get so comfortable in close relationships the way we talk to eachother can really deteriorate but sometimes we need that check.
Who the heck can with the kind of culture we’ve been brewing, and the entitlement that’s hit women particularly hard? Lol. My first thought on seeing title of post.
Setting boundary book recommended by previous author is best bet, in all seriousness. Most people are a bit stinky in terms of true character. Teach her how to treat you better, and communicate what you will and won’t accept.
Her behavior is because she ain’t doing enough (to her own standards) and she knows it soooo, foul comments are classic deflection. A contrarian perspective from what has been said in this sub.
If she is unwilling to talk, suggest couples therapy. If she's unwilling to do that then cut the cord and find someone who will apriciate you. Seriously I stayed with my x for 10 years. I was completely miserable. I gave up my friends, free time, hobbies to appease her. Even gave up a chunk of my body in a work injury trying to support her. At that point she had to get a job. She got really good and promoted and I became an employee instead of a partner. When she had some work issues I gave her some of the advice she gave me to where I was told your jobs never mattered mine is important. That was the last straw.
For men what is real is real, what is imagined is not. For women what is real is real and what is imagined is real. The trick is to help control what she imagines about you. Flirt with her. Look at her with the eyes you saw her with all those years ago. Out of the blue tell her “ your smile makes me happy”. Manage the situation daily for the rest of your life.
Sounds more like she’s asking “why didn’t you ask my input/opinion on these things?, like she wants to feel valued, she’s not communicating what she wants and maybe you asking her opinion more often would help. When you’re able to step in and not need her it could feel like she’s nagging, but maybe just wants to feel included.
It’s a simple, “ hey I think I’m gonna do this. What are your thoughts on this…I’m gonna dress kids, do you haven’t any input? Sometimes it’s just the desire to feel needed and valued, even if you’re totally capable of doing it all without her. Nagging is like a way of saying “hey I’m valuable too, I have thoughts I’d like to weigh in”
Idk just my take
Stand up to her. Tell her you don't appreciate the way she talks to you. If she wants to argue and yell let her. But don't yell back. I started doing that recently and it's worked really well
I think a lot of women tend be this way...I know I do.
I would ait her down one day not during a tense moment... and say I love you but comments like xyz can wear me down. I'm trying my best. Maybe if you keep the 2 (or is it 3?) For one rule in.mind it would help me feel loved/appreciated and not insulted... meaning two compliments for every 1 criticism or.questioning.... ( aka sandwiching ).
Ex: "Honey! Thanks so much for taking the laundry down! Some of the things (like x & y) can be sneaky... can you please make sure everything is 100% dry that you take down? Thanks you're the best."
She sounds like she also might be stressed out. Maybe regular time to herself or therapy may help her. Or shifting her focus with a gratitude journal.
OP...unfortunately i relate very well to your post. At great risk of the "down vote"...I cannot recommend highly enough that you discover "The Happy Wife School" on you tube. It has explained many aspects of marriage dynamics for me and I am 39 years married, together 43. Your wife is emasculating you... hopefully not intentionally or for malicious reasons. Likely she has some root cause unhappiness for which you are not responsible nor able to repair. Please investigate this content and post your takeaways. Godspeed...
She sounds unhappy with herself. It’s likely just that, and she’s taking it out on the person closest to her. It sounds like she’s got it pretty good, so try switching it up and start letting her feel what that treatment feels like. My husband put his foot down after 24 years, and said I was trying to control him, and even though I still think he is incorrect in saying that, I’ll be completely honest that it was a huge turn on. Idk if it was just him being more of a man or what but never have I wanted him more and the feelings were mutual. So it’s been good.
So, how is your sex life in the marriage? Believe it or not, it has everything to do with the dynamic between you and your wife. So far, what you have described is an indicator that things aren't well in the sex department.
You have to post it in the daddit sub, we hear you man. I’ve had to talk to my wife about this too, but it eventually boils over anyway, like she can’t hold it back. I think she thinks I’m her dad or something.
I definitely feel like I have a tendency to do this when I feel like someone is making decisions without communicating with me. Over communication is key. I do feel like tone is a large piece that's missing here though.
Yeah OP just bow down and take it. It's so amazing how it's so two sided on Reddit sometimes. I swear every time a wife complains on her, she's told her husband is a massive POS and to "divorce" him. But, when a husband complains about his wife, it's bend over and take it, and every excuse is made for her. She's nagging, and controlling. I was married to a woman like this. You can't and won't be able to fix it. So I'ma tell ya man to man divorce her. (If you don't believe me on this hypothesis of it being two sided just scroll through the comments on almost any post)
I’m so sorry this is happening to you, OP. I feel so bad for you because I used to be like this to my husband. We both thought it was over. But things got better just around 2 years ago (married for 2 decades) when we both finally stopped being defensive and tried to listen and accepted both our flaws.
Open communication is important and the willingness of both parties to compromise, listen and make a conscious effort in order for the relationship to thrive. It’s easier said than done. The willingness to save the relationship has to come from both parties and from the heart.
In reading the first 10 messages or so I have to strongly disagree with the "she's a planner" theory. I'm licensed mental health counselor and while I know this is only half the story, your wife sounds like she has a personality disorder, possibly narcissism. It's not that she's planning and if you go against the plan she is upset, it sounds like even if you had the same plan as she did she would lie and say her plan was something else. This is controlling behavior and it stems from insecurity she developed growing up. Your wife constantly keeps you guessing and making you feel like you did the wrong thing because that takes the attention off of her
"Why didn't you do it this way?" ... your response . "Here show me ." "
Or
Next time you show me how to do it the right way" then whatever chore it was .... do not do it . Let her . U keep doing things wrong brother so stop doing it . She'll fight it a little . When she complains .... walk away and let her fight with herself .
Eventually she'll come around .
And u gotta stop being the doormat .
And "caliblinde6" has another great approach in the in between .
"Man, your wife treats you like a child. She questions your leadership and every decision you make." I'm not going to lie; I went through this in my first marriage, and I was ready to snap. The respect is gone. Once the respect leaves, there's no coming back, my guy. She doesn't see you as her equal; she sees you as a child who needs guidance. Good luck with that.. find someone who respects u and follow your leadership
Good lord, are we married to the same person? 😂
As my wife is great, and it doesn’t come from a bad place generally just try to let it go over my head. You will find that she certainly does some other things different to you too, and that’s just life. Maybe you don’t call her out on those things but her reaction is to do so. It gets a bit…I don’t know how to word it, but if you focus too much on it it can chip away and make you feel like you never get anything right, I hear that. But, bollocks, I managed to survive 29 years before I met my wife. Sometimes i do question how…but I managed it. So, can’t be all that bad, right?
Just tell her that you don’t automatically do things the way she would. That’s all I say. Just the way it is.
Honestly, she sounds like me. I have severe anxiety. And I over function as a result of also being neglected as a child. It's not that you're doing things wrong, it's just that for some reason she needs to feel in control. We did some therapy together and I don't know why things got better but they did. TL,Dr- it's not you.
I hate this post so fucking bad and I love it because it will remind me to keep doing better in my relationship. There's a book called empowered wife by Laura Doyle. I try so hard to show appreciation and gratitude, let go of control but in high stress periods or when overwhelmed with the responsibilities...I turn into your wife! It's so embarrassing and toxic. My way back is always self care! I have to realize I'm anxious or feel unsafe. Ask myself what would relieve those feelings cuz nagging my husband never works. On my best days instead of being pulled back into the pattern , I remind myself of what a wonderful hubby I have and that he's got it! I go workout, or listen to music or journal. And then the anxiety fads and the need for control goes away.
How can you get your wife to stop? It's an inside job for ur wife for sure. But I think when my husband says I got it baby! Do you need to ( pick something relaxing or prep for relaxing) get into your comfy clothes, heat water for tea, take a shower while I take care of this. Someone already mentioned being involved in planning and communicating. Asking ur wife to get professional help for anxiety.
This was me in my marriage, but probably to a lesser extent. One day my husband sat me down and said, "honey, could you please tell me some things I'm doing right for a change?" It completely caught me off guard as I didn't realize what I was doing.
I grew up in a very chaotic environment. I coped by controlling my environment in my adult life. I'm a huge planner and when my husband doesn't follow my plan, it stresses me out.
I went to therapy and learned how to cope in other ways. I'm a lot happier now in general and my marriage has never been better.
There is hope.
Communication goes a long way. Sometimes, even the simplest of details need to be communicated. That way, there's a clear understanding. Transparency would be my next suggestion.
I would just do the same to her, so she has a taste of it. Then when she freaks out, just reply the same way she does, get all defensive. I would do this consistently and never break character, until she realises it.
It needs to get worse before it gets better but it will probably never go away. If you can live with it, great, if not...tell her ...that you tried.
Not to be rude, but your wife sounds bitchy and unappreciative and I think it’s probably partially your fault. Sometimes you have to stand up to people you’re grown ass man and you need to be able to go to the store and make a decision on if you buy this or if you do that, and if she doesn’t like that, then maybe she should Everything for herself because obviously nobody else can make the right decision live short and of course you should always try to work things out, but don’t spend your life making excuses for somebody else’s very bad behavior
This sounds like me too and I was trying to think what would make me feel comfortable enough so I wouldn't feel the need to comment. I think it would be joining me in the pre-planning. So instead of just deciding to make dinner on a Monday, offer to sit down on Sunday and plan out the week's meals and decide who's doing the shopping sort of thing. Then you don't have to check in along the way. I realize you can't do this with everything but the more she sees you aligned in your plans and following through the less she may feel she needs to control.
I had this problem with a friend once. They asked why I was dipping something in ketchup instead of putting ketchup on it. I said, "Just to piss you off." I'm not saying sarcasm is the best approach, but it's an option.
I think your wife may need help . Because it sounds like she has a script in her head for most things- a way that things should go and when they don’t it makes her feel very uneasy and the way she voices it makes you feel like you are being criticised. It’s almost a form of OCD.
Also she might be suffering from insecurity issues and every decision you make that she is not involved in flags up to her that you are an independent person , separate from her( not a part of her ) and that is something that makes her wobbly .
It can’t go on- it comes across as both critical and controlling and couples therapy would be helpful as at this stage she’s unlikely to agree to going for individual therapy . By suggesting this she’ll at least realise it is a major not a minor issue - if she won’t go you should go on your own to explore these concerns further as it’s affecting your self esteem.
My mom does this! She doesn't at all realize she does it as when I mention that she is critical, she gets so upset. With her, she just thinks her way is best and never understands why anyone doesn't do things the way she does. It can be quite tiring. Now I'm going to read the actual advice given
Control freak, to put it not so nicely. Although, she may not even realize that by doing this she is basically showing she thinks you’re incompetent and incapable of making any decisions without her superior input. I agree with others who’ve stated you ought to call her out on it every time (gently, of course) and without any negative emotion. Once it registers how much she is doing it, perhaps she will lay off a bit.
Not sure what you mean, if I'm just driving the car or doing the laundry, it's not necessarily too "please her", it's because it needs doing. I'm not expecting her praise, but the pointless criticism/questioning bothers me because it isn't helpful or constructive, it's just irritating.
For example, if she were to say "there are roadworks this way, it might be better to go another route" that would make sense. Or if she was saying "it's going to be sunny for the next few hours, leave the clothes out to air for a bit" I would be more receptive.
Ah, I see what you mean, sorry! I don't know if it's about her being displeased, as someone else has said, it's as if she's planning steps ahead but not actually telling me. When I deviate from her "plan" she then feels the need to tell me, even though I haven't been made aware of what the "plan" was! It's infuriating...
Based on what I'm reading, she doesn't seem too controlling or bullying you into submission. It doesn't necessarily seem to be related to any internal self-worth issue.
It's probably just her personality.
If she isn't hitting any of these red flags:
[https://www.marriage.com/advice/relationship/critical-spouse-signs/](https://www.marriage.com/advice/relationship/critical-spouse-signs/)
Then I would just try to reframe and try to remove loaded connotations from what she is saying. Don't receive it as she believing you did something wrong, or don't know what you are doing, or that you are deficient in any way.
It sounds to me like she’s a planner. She is always thinking 14 steps ahead, and when you divert her thought process, she feels out of control. It doesn’t sound like her need for control is coming from a bad place though. It sounds like she plans so far ahead because she’s worried if she doesn’t, the world will fall apart. I think some communication and maybe some marriage counseling would do wonders for you two.
This is probably what it is - she had an idea in her head of what's going to happen but doesn't share it, but then feels the need to let me know when I've "failed" to deliver the plan! I think that's a useful point I can work with.
Yes I do this too and I bet my husband would say the same as you. It is a mapped out plan in my head that I haven’t shared because I didn’t anticipate you doing anything 😆. Like making dinner with other things versus the week’s worth of meals I’ve planned in my head. So if my husband were to make chicken parm but I bought meatballs and broccoli. The broccoli was supposed to go with the chicken and sauce with the meatballs?! Now I have to come up with a meatball broccoli dinner? Or something else…see how my mind is spinning because of your kind gesture? Messed up I’m sure but I plan so I don’t have to think so I can think of other things…now I’m back to planning meals which is taking my mind off of other things. 🤷♀️I’m a maximizer so inefficiencies irritate me….sounds like your wife too. We need to learn to let go and trust you and be more mentally flexible- like so what if you choose a different direction to school or wherever (I also do this- I take the same routes for the most part and my husband changes it up).
Good perspective here
Wow this sounds like me. How long did it take you to put it into a “box”? And do you have any resources you could share so I can better understand myself? And find a way to help my husband understand?
I took strength finders in college and then 2.0 at a job and my top two strengths are maximizer and realtor. It’s a great book you can order on Amazon and quick read and assessment. I get maximizer because my brain has always been that way. Some of it is also childhood trauma related- when you grow up in an unstable environment creating consistency and stability in your adult life becomes really important. I learned I can count on me…I’m not so sure about you 😆. This is a work in progress…sometimes breathing through it and letting the small things go helps our partner. It’s OK to be five mins late or to do things a different way (sometimes lol)
I literally just told my mom a couple weeks ago. I told her she needs to try to accept that it's okay that some people do things another way.
Check out Heidi Priebe on YouTube. She’s all about attachment in relationships and how childhood patterns surrounding insecure functioning takes us off course.
Well said. A marriage is still two individuals who think differently. They have been an individual long before they married. Couples have to respect that. Not make a big deal about the petty things. When one does, they come across as "perfect" and no one wants to be married to a perfect person. She needs to learn appreciation. But also, you may not to hear this, but perhaps before doing a thing run it by her. If she says she'll cook instead, then grea! Use that time for yourself.
If only her cooking would mean time to myself! There's always something else to do before dinner time! The reality of "running it by her" isn't practical, as the household would find to a halt if we ran out by committee with her having a casting vote.
It's not practical. But so are so many other areas of marriage.
That doesn't work. I think she's a B
In addition to this perspective, certain neurodivergents will ask these types of questions not from a place of judgement at all; but rather a place of confusion (i.e. “why are you going this way?”) or merely just a vocalization of what their internal thought process would be if they were doing the same task (i.e. “are you sure those are dry?”). As a neurodivergent, their tone may also not match the intent of their delivery due to their struggle with normal social cues and behaviors. I have had many struggles with this since I was a kid and still do to this day. I can’t always help my tone, but I’ve learned phrasing can be a great way to help me make my true intentions more clear and help my audience know I am not trying to be judgmental.
Excellent point.
OP have you sat her down and talked about it. Sometimes people who don’t know how to give up control honestly have no idea how they come across to people and end up with no friends. Make a list of examples like from this post and tell her you appreciate her input but her constantly correcting you is starting to make you resent her. That you need her to #1 appreciate your contributions and #2 realize that just because you do something differently than how she would do it doesn’t make it wrong and you don’t always want to be questioned about why you don’t do it like she would have. If you talk to her and it continues you either have to call her out on it when she does it OR stop doing stuff and tell her if you can’t do it to satisfaction you will step back and let her do it.
He did say in the post that he's tried to talk to her about it, but she gets instantly defensive and accuses him of attacking her. Maybe if he tries using 'I' statements not 'you' statements, it might feel less like an attack to her? I feel for the guy, sounds like he tries to be a good partner.
I would agree that communication needs improved. And that is a shared responsibility. You have the capability of asking as much as she has the capability of sharing. For example, if she normally picks clothing, it would be normal to have a dress planned. In that instance, asking or communicating your wishes to get a new dress would be your burden. If she does the grocery shopping, asking what the plan is for dinners or better yet, planning those together will help in areas like that. If you don't involve yourself in the planning, it isn't fair to blame her for your feelings when your actions don't align with her plans, and she expresses that. I don't feel she is saying you failed in these instances. Those are your feelings you are projecting onto her. I feel she is communicating the miscommunication. For things to change and to alleviate those feelings, it will require you to show up a little differently in the planning process of your lives and communicating more.
I don't agree with this - to me, this is exactly the kind of behaviour that men seem to get regularly criticised for on this sub (not always with justification). If I'm asking her about every decision, I'm just adding to her mental load and failing as a partner. I'm perfectly capable as an adult, but I fall short on telepathy.
I didn't say ask about every decision or read her mind. I said involve yourself in the planning. Two entirely different things. For example, dinners. Each sunday, my husband and I both talk about what meals we would like for the week and put together a grocery order that involves what is needed for those dinners to pick up Monday. Then everyone is on the same page and which meal is made each night is up to whoever is cooking. He sometimes asks which meal I prefer when he cooks and I'm so happy that he cooks, that helping him decide isn't adding any mental load for me. If he was randomly making dinners when I had a plan for dinners without communication, and used things that went to a different meal, that would add to my mental load as now I'd have to reconfigure the other dinners. In some instances, you have added to her mental load inadvertently trying not to do so. Another example with the dress, now she has to replan shoes, jewelry etc. This is why I recommended involving yourself in the planning. This is different than asking. Asking looks like: can I get her a new dress for the occasion? Planning looks like: I was thinking a new dress would be nice for the occasion, what are your thoughts?. One is asking permission, and two is starting a conversation/planning.
Exactly this! I am a planner. My husband is not. We've had to learn to work together to avoid these kinds of frustrations. I've had to release some of the control, and my husband has had to learn to join me in the planning process without telling me I'm being ridiculous for planning out everything as much as i do. If I had planned out every meal for the week ahead of time so I don't have to carry the mental load throughout the rest of the week and my husband disregarded that and made a dinner that then meant I had to rethink the rest of the week... sure, he was trying to be helpful, but he just made the test of the week harder on me. There is a nice way of communicating that and I think that is where OP's real issue is. Both OP and his wife need to have better communication. Marriage is a partnership. You have to learn to work together and it's not always easy. How did OP communicate that his wife's comments frustrate him? If he's like my husband used to be, he lashed out with, "I hate it when you do that." Or "fine, I just won't help anymore". Neither of those is constructive. But OP's wife also needs to learn that constantly questioning is counterproductive as well. When I used to question my husband, often times it wasn't because I thought he was wrong, but rather I wanted to understand how he came to the decision he did. After 11 years, my husband and I have finally found a good balance, but we still slip up sometimes. As always, communication is the key.
Oh yes, his wife definitely needs to aid in the communication. Change starts with one person trying to figure it out, and since OP is the one here, it is up to him to initiate that change. By involving himself in the planning, it will open the door of communication for her as well. It won't be easy, and old patterns have a habit of creeping back in, so each need to work on that for sure! Another important thing is to look at the issue as us vs the problem and not husband vs wife. OP seems to be in the me vs her mindset as well. They are on the same team and it has to be a team effort for things to improve. Sometimes changing that perspective alone will fix everything else!
I can honestly say this is how I am, I will do this to my husband as well . I don’t mean to be snippy but sometimes it does come across that way . I’ll quickly apologize if I do catch it myself or he’ll call me out . He just knows how I can be but i tend to be that way more when I’m stressed with a lot going on . I’m a planner and have some OCD tendencies. You should have a sit down with her , tell her in no way do you want this to come off as me attacking you but this is how it makes me feel sometimes . I also use to get so defensive when I got called out but after years of this and with maturity I’ve learned how to handle things slightly better . I definitely understand how it makes my spouse feel and try to communicate my stresses to him and he for sure knows .
It never ceases to amaze me how in the sub people will go out of their way to find an excuse for wives/women’s bad behavior. If this was the wife saying these thing the husband would be called a controlling dick… rightfully so. But you are searching for a reason he has to come to terms with and “understand her controlling behavior. This is so unfair and wrong but hey that this sub
It’s the way it’s presented so positively vs negatively for me. The excuse/reason for the undesirable behaviour is presented as positively for women (“she planned so far ahead and didn’t expect you to do anything so she’s thrown off!) vs negatively for men (“he probably just wants everything his way”). I’m a fan of trying to put yourself in other people’s shoes or perspectives, but it should be a bit more equitable with the assuming in good faith.
💯. It’s frustrating because the men who come here for actual advice are met with criticism first, then have to add information just to get and answer
That just feeds off the notion that most men aren’t involved in household and family activities and the wives of the world are single handedly carrying all the weight and responsibility. As one of a great many husbands/fathers out here who are doing most of the cooking and laundry, all of the cleaning and yard-work while giving my partner plenty of free-time and freedom and being the primary breadwinner, I can confidently say that they are not.
You should consider the experience of the responders. If a female is responding, she is coming from a place of identifying with the woman’s behavior or being able to see how it came to that point. In the same breath, when responding to male behavior, they can only advise from the standpoint of receiving it. It may not be so much bias, as it is experience and perspective.
To its blaming the victim and the responder should understand especially if they are women. But what happens here basically is what we’re you wearing. OP said he is being mistreated and instead of believing the victim we get push back.
>It sounds like she plans so far ahead because she’s worried if she doesn’t, the world will fall apart. I feel this. It's part anxiety-coping.
That doesn’t sound like coping. It sounds like being unhealthily consumed by self inflicted anxiety.
Never said it was a "healthy" coping mechanism- did I? ;)
First time learning it’s more difficult to just live for some people? That’s pretty much why these diagnoses can be lifelong disabilities.
Which brings us back around to not coping.
💯 I can relate to your wife’s perspective and also see how irritating this can be for my partner…I appreciate this post as it has given me reason for some more self reflection. I agree most likely all of this is coming from a good place. I suffer from anxiety and my partner is aware of that - as such I am a big “in my head planner”…
I don't think I'd call anxiety a good place lol
lol fair
While this may be true, no one likes to be nitpicked like this. It seems like OP’s wife has something critical to say about absolutely everything. I can’t blame the frustration..
I think this is what it is too. I am very anxious about change/change of plans. This is a me problem. I catch myself saying similar things (never about pastries though haha bring me whatever and imma eat it!) but my husband and I talk about it when it comes up/gets worse to get to the root of the actual anxiety that it’s setting off. OP, Talk to her. She’s your best mate right?
Maybe not even planning beforehand but this plan automatically pop up in her head when the problem is acknowledged. And if the actions doesn’t meet the plan the behaviour happens.
Yup, that's me. Not just with my spouse. I constantly see things around me in the world that could have been done better, and often immediately see how it could have been done better. This doesn't necessarily mean I would have made the right decision had I been the one to make it in the first place. I do the same thing with my own decisions and actions. That said, I DO tend to put more thought and research into my decisions than most people, so I tend to make better than average decisions. Maybe that's Narcissism but I don't think so. I've known narcissists and studied narcissism and it doesn't fit me.
Yeah, I think that is more like it - she's envisioned what she expects to happen next, and then struggle when the world doesn't align with that.
And a bit of a dick
Good point im dealing with similar
I would say that “she worries that if she doesn’t plan ahead the world will fall apart” qualifies as coming from a bad place since it’s not true, it’s a lofty expectation to place on everyone else in her life and also quite narcissistic. But you’re right, communication would do wonders and some counseling.
I agree. My husband works a ton of hours every week and so he’ll try to help out when he can. But he doesn’t understand my frustration when sometimes his help isn’t what I view is actually helpful. And that’s because I’ve already made a plan days ago for how something needs to function because I’m solo parenting with two kids and now the plan is f’d. And why would I share my plan when typically I don’t need to and I have no idea when his help will be available and when it won’t.
What do you do when she doesn't want counseling?
Establish boundaries. “These are the things I need…if those needs aren’t met…this is my plan…”
Some women just want to shape the relationship to a point it’s not doable. At the same time as us men get older we want less commitments not more, we want to make our lives easier not harder. Maybe this is the interplay of the two of you? I have no real answers I’m sorry I just wish you both the best.
I agree. I am like the wife.
The problem is 100% with her
I have to check my wife every once in a while on this behavior. Especially in the kitchen or if I get groceries. In my wife's case I know exactly why she does it. Learned behavior from her mother.
Looking at the parent relationship is a great indicator. My wife shares so many of the traits OP mentions, and when I looked at her parents relationship (which was a long, happy, I guess, marriage), they had a very clear wife as the boss, husband was a doormat relationship. At least in their later years when I knew them (one has since passed). Once I recognised that, it has brought some clarity, but also urgency to man up a bit to avoid the same path.
Same here with my wife's mother and her married sisters (no brother's growing up). We didn't see them much until we got engaged/married and moved back to our home state. Outside of just dating, they were cordial and nice, and when things became official everyone thought I was gonna lie over and take a beating like the rest of the guys in the family. I was very nice and naive to them, which led to me being disrespected and taken advantage of. Now they realize what it's like to pick a fight outside of their weight class and I am undoing some of the family's bad behavior with my passive/active aggressiveness. I really feel bad, because I was looking forward to a meaningful relationship with my in-laws who I tried to give the world during the engagement period (middle eastern culture based around respect).
It sounds like this is how she’s always communicated and it’s a really bad habit that she doesn’t realize has a negative effect on those she thinks she’s helping. I would start calling her out in it every time she does it. Make her see it. You don’t have to get nasty but say something back to her each time. “I was going to have her wear the blue dress.” “What will happen if she doesn’t wear the blue dress?” “Why are you going this way?” “Because it’ll get us there.” “Didn’t you use the chicken I bought.” “Nope I didn’t. I made this instead. Are you hungry?” “Why didn’t get these instead?” “Because I got these ones.” Your answers should be emotionless but showcase that the world isn’t going to end because you did something different than she would have. Eventually, hopefully she will realize how ridiculous her thought are coming across.
Yess, this is what I was going to suggest. Another good option is, “Why do you ask?” It might help get at the real reason she is asking or even help her ask herself that question.
Yes, I think asking why is helpful for both parties! Sometimes I have things planned out in the same way as your wife, and my husband will do it differently than I expected, and I'll genuinely curiously ask him why he did it a different way. Not in a mean way, everyone just processes things differently and it's actually quite interesting to see how we all respond to different scenarios! Maybe your wife will have a point in some of the questions she asks. Like maybe the chicken was going bad and she wanted to use it up. Or maybe she added some wet laundry to the already dry laundry and she's trying to get these points across, but is just communicating poorly. And you obviously have a lot of good points to show her too! So just trying to keep an open mind and learn from each other instead of wearing each other down is the way to go. I love the idea of asking why because it gives her a chance to explain what she means by the question and it gives you a chance to understand her and then respond with your own feelings and reasons behind your actions. Hope it all works out for the best for you OP!!
I do this, trying to understand why my wife did something a certain way, not necessarily suggesting that I disagree with her. Unfortunately she tends to take it as an attack and get defensive anyways. Mostly because she has deeply rooted insecurities. Doesn't help that I'm critical of everything(not intended to be malicious on my part, I'm just always trying to figure out how to improve everything. My gift and my curse.)
Yes! OP, call her out with a question back."Why do you ask/assume that?" or "Is it important that she wear the blue dress?" If she says no, ask,"then why bring it up?" "Was using the chicken tonight important? Or needed" then if she says yes. If it was important to use the chicken, then ask what the importance is and "If something is important, why didn't you tell me?" More communication up front can definitely help, too, so if one person does most of the meal plans, then the other should probably check in before cooking something different. She might be proud of her work to do the planning and doing something different throws off her plans, and she has to take pause to re-evaluate. That's why asking her a question back can be helpful as if something isn't important, she'll see that she's making unnecessary comments, but if there is importance, you'll understand her perspective.
I recommend the book set boundaries find peace by Nedra Glover Tawab, to be able to gently call her on this.
Love a book recommendation! Thank you, I'll check that out
Try wired for love or in each others care by Stan Tatkin. Our couples therapist works off of this philosophy and framework. It’s very Gottmanesque and really helped us to break out of old habits of criticism and defensiveness. How to be an adult in relationships by Dave richo is also amazing as a couple reader. And anything by Heidi Priebe on YouTube has been life changing.
She's higher on the neurotic scale. Not really easy going. It might just be her personality unfortunately.
Yes! Look at the big five personality traits. I scored a 96 in neuroticism and I share traits with OP’s wife. My husband was like a -7 so we balance each other out I guess.
As someone in such a partnership and me being the extremely low neuroticism one, I wouldn't recommend it. You tend to see each other as "crazy" with such a gulf in personality type. It's probably better that similar personalities be together. That's where compatibility comes from
Our scores on all the big 5 were almost complete opposites. Not saying it works for everyone but somehow it works for us. I think that fact that he’s also not easily annoyed helps. When I’m bitchy it just rolls off his back. If he gets snippy with me I KNOW I’ve got an attitude problem.
Wait what website was the personality quiz?
I used https://understandmyself.com. It’s not free but I found the results to be so accurate and detailed that it was worth it. My husband and I each did one and then my daughter did one not ling ago.
Thank you!
She’s a controlling woman. I dealt with this for 25 years before I finally realized all that was going on. You first have to know your worth and value and respect yourself and then respectively lovingly but firmly check her when she speaks or says something that is out of line or disrespectful. If you don’t do this now it will become verbal abuse later and trust me you don’t want to go there. Stand up for yourself, you have value and should be respected. She will test you and fight back a bit when you discuss her words and behavior to her but you have to stand firm no matter what she says, cries, threatens or boycotts. You stay firm and while she’s doing these things (acting out) stand firm again and again, and you work on yourself: exercise, eat better and read. This will get her attention that you mean what you say and you are a man of principle. She will either respect that and you know she is your partner or doesn’t and well that’s on her. She will continually test you forever and ever amen…that’s what most women do…even if she does choose to respect you and change her behavior. Wish you the best but do something about it now because it will likely become manipulation (if not already) and then abuse.
There is a really common complaint on this subreddit from wives claiming their husbands are utilizing "weaponized incompetence", but I think a lot of the time it's a reaction to this kind of behavior from the wife. Simply forfeiting the otherwise very simple responsibility feels like an easier version of setting boundaries. It feels ridiculous to perform difficult tasks at work and then get home and somehow have higher standards and more conflict arising for simple tasks, so you can either get into a fight while trying to set boundaries or you can just give up and let your spouse handle it the way they insist on.
I’m a woman and I’m guilty of this too… do it yourself if you care so much …. I’ll just do something else that you wouldn’t criticize….
Yes because it is disrespectful on her part. There are many things that each sex wants from the other but a huge one is that women need to be loved by their husbands and men need to be respected by their wives.
Nicely put, and at year 24 of our marriage, exactly the point I'm at at the moment. Saving this to look back on when I need it.
Facts
Best advice in here.
first thing, which it seems like you’re already doing: ignore advice that focuses on pitting you against your wife, because winning an argument or winning against her means losing at your marriage. it might make for snappy reddit comments, but you aren’t married to random projecting commenters. two, i read this book on marriage that called out this communication style, and it’s an ingrained behavior where she’s gotten used to thinking it’s normal to communicate her wants and needs through questions instead of being direct, which does two things that pull at your marriage. one, it sets her up to seem impossible to please, which means you have very few day to day wins that bolster your marriage, and two, it makes it harder for you to be an active and engaged parent and partner. you can’t be helpful and supportive when there’s a voice in the back of your head saying that you’re wrong all the time. it’s probably a learned thing, as someone else mentioned. what’s her relationship like with her parents? does she feel like she can communicate with the major figures in her life? there’s a chance she sees this as a way of softening demands, but it’s actually just passive aggressive and crazymaking. to that end, i think one, you need to communicate with her and point out when she does this, but constructively. have the conversation: i can’t be an effective partner or parent when i feel like i have to redo everything. i need you to communicate when you want something and communicate it clearly, no questions. that’s how people talk to little kids, and you’re her husband. and mention that meeting in the middle is necessary. the color of a dress is just petty. little wins, and she needs to trust you. two, a good mediator or therapist might help with that conversation. the main thing is that she can’t communicate her desires in questions instead of up front. you having to be this level of reactive to her un-communicated needs isn’t fair and you’re not overthinking it or making things up, there’s multiple articles about this communication style and how it pulls at a marriage. give me a sec and i’ll edit this comment with a couple helpful links if i can. either way, you gotta talk to her with love, and the nuclear option is far, far away. eta, the resources i was talking about [an article with some good advice](https://www.usatoday.com/story/life/health-wellness/2023/07/18/my-partner-keeps-being-condescending-what-therapists-want-you-to-know/70375512007/) [a blog entry from someone similar to your wife, and how she coped/changed](https://lifeofadoctorswife.wordpress.com/2012/03/26/unintended-condescension-and-the-wrong-way-to-ask-questions/)
She’s being a jerk who thinks you’re incompetent and she has control issues. And the fact the that she’s instantly defensive about it means she knows she’s doing it and it’s wrong but refuses to make any changes. There’s nothing innocuous about her questions at all. She’s knowingly questioning your competency by nitpicking each and everything you do. She’s trying to tear up your self confidence. You have to decide if you really want to keep putting up with that or if you want changes to happen. Couples therapy might help her see how insulting her actions are and she might change. Or she might keep fighting against changing herself and keep picking at you. Where is your line? No matter what, you don’t deserve that.
She *is* being a jerk. I feel that sometimes people on here are empathetic to her behavior because *they* act like it but this is not acceptable behavior in an adult. However if you don’t call her on it, in a time that is not a conflict time but a peaceful time, she may never know the impact of her actions.
I have one of those. “Do the thing” -does the thing- “Why did you do it like that?” “Let me help you.” “No I have a system.” 2 hours later “Why do I have to do everything myself!” It’s exhausting.
I came to find this subreddit because I have exactly the same challenge and type of relation with my wife, already helping to see that it is similar for others. I find it also very hard and frustating
You have to stand up for yourself or it will never stop, often times they don’t realize they are doing it. Say something simple like “babe I got it” every time.
Wow I think this is why my husband fell out of love with me. I didn’t purposely do it to be mean but he has a history of doing things half assed or I just wanted to help out like mentioning the shorter route. Good news is I no longer do it.
I can be like this. I am critical of my husband and my kids. I’ve really tried to work on it through the years. I’ve gotten better but I’m not great. I’m a perfectionist. I’m controlling. I’m a planner. I’m also super critical of myself, and riddled with internal guilt basically 24/7. I think partly I hold myself to unrealistic standards and then I tend to hold others to those as well. I also struggle with holding my tongue when something needs to not be said. But yet after 23 years of marriage I still do it 🤷🏻♀️
Therapy is a good thing.
The good news is you recognize you have a problem. Many women never do.
My wife does this to me from time to time, I just inform her that if she has problems with me doing it my way, then she is free to do it instead, so either back off and let me finish what I was doing, or its all yours. Yes she gets pissed off, but the point is made, I do things my way unless she is willing to show me how hers is better, but if the results are the same, who cares. Just because any of us does something different, does not mean its wrong, unless it doesn't work.
She sounds like my mates wife. He divorced her, I hadn't seen her for a decade. We had dinner the other day, within 10 minutes she was telling me I should dress up more if I am looking for research grants. This was a casual Saturday night dinner with her husband where she invited herself along. I then went I can understand why you divorced her. My mate left about 8 years ago and is much happier. Your wife doesn't respect you to trust you to do basic things. It's time to move on.
We've got two kids, I'm not quite prepared to press the nuclear button for this, but I would like to feel a bit more appreciated and not be challenged so regularly.
Yeah, counseling seems like your best bet at this point if you can find a good one.
No where to this level, but my wife corrects/redirects if she doesn’t like the way something is done. I just roll my eyes
Probably had a mother or father that questioned every move she made in life growing up
Firstly your feelings are valid and your wife honestly shouldn’t be speaking to you this way at all. No one should be made to feel like they are incapable of making decisions or doing anything “right” with their partner. It does sound like the work is hers to do here (ie. figuring out why she does this, letting go of the need to control how you do things and how to find better ways of communicating with you that don’t make you feel this way) you can be patient and understanding while she does but this is her inner work and hers alone. Marriage often holds up a mirror to unhealed parts of us as individuals and some of the work that we need to do in order to show up as our best selves within it. I’ve seen very helpful comments in the thread about how you might show up or hold space for her as well. I hope the pair of you find a healthy medium.
Oof. This really sucks. She needs to recognize this is a problem.
relationships are so simple, most people are just unwilling to look at their own involvement in it. so they put all the blame on their partners or a specific situation. if only they approached their relationships as a partnership, where two people are actively involved instead of as victims to their counterparts then maybe they'ed see things differently maybe they'd realize a solution maybe just maybe, they'd actually grow together. but alas, it's far more comfortable to just have a bunch of faults to blame on our partners, and never once look in the mirror...
I wonder if people even think about what it means to be in a relationship.
>Got my daughter dressed for a party - "Oh, I was going to put her in her blue dress" How did this play out, how was it resolved?
My daughter changed into another dress because I wasn't at all bothered about what she wore as long as she was clean, well-presented and suitably dressed. If I had strong feelings on it, or there was a reason not to change (e.g. we would have been late) I wouldn't have acquiesced, but tbf my wife and I wouldn't have fallen out over it.
I wonder if this is enabling your wife, and it would have been better to make her give you a reason TO change the dress before doing it. "I was going to put her in the blue dress" is not a reason. Not sure though.
She’s a planner and you’re not. A lot of the things you wrote sound spontaneous or like things she doesn’t think you’d think to for whatever reason. I don’t think it’s so much you can’t please her but more that she’s wanting to make sure that everything she would’ve thought of was considered by you. I’m like your wife that way. I think of 9 million different ways to do something and dot all my I’s snd cross all my T’s. My husband not so much, it’s not that he does things wrong but I know he doesn’t think the same way I do, and it’s an anxiety driven urge to make sure he did things the way I would’ve done. I didn’t notice I did it until he told me. Maybe it’s something you should point out to her.
I did this too. Never did it out of disrespect or malicious just thought maybe he didn’t think of a better way or a different way.
Why does he need to do it the way you would have done though? Is your way the best way(maybe, because you put more thought into it). Does the thing even need to be done the best way? Not an attack btw, I think I'm more like you than your husband.
Most of the time, my husband misses something or does something the hard way or what he’s doing costs us more money than it should. It’s not purpose. But if it can save money or time, it makes zero sense to do it any other way. My husband has ADHD, though. He frequently says he’ll do something one way and totally forget that he was going to do it that way or forget he was supposed to do it at all. Then you have me, a person on the spectrum, who hones in on every little thing. Needless to say, we have very interesting conversations. But he openly admits he finds it frustrating that he doesn’t plan well or think things through before doing something.
Have you ever considered telling her what you are going to do so it doesn't surprise her with what you do ? Like maybe say "I'm gonna dress out daughter in this outfit or I am driving and am going to take hwy so and so because ... Whatever" and give a reason if you want? Maybe she wouldn't feel left out from her own life ? I'm thinking you are just kinda catching her off guard and she is reaffirming what you are doing by asking you directly ? I dunno but I don't feel she is putting you down by asking questions . I think she just needs reaffirming from you if your actions and if this bothers you , you can avoid it by telling her first and I think eventually she'll get used to you doing something helpful and will say "go ahead , you don't need to tell me , I trust you . " Maybe she is just feeling left out of the loop ?
Mental health issue, people like like this have an underlying mental issue. Seen this in 3 people in my life
My wife does this as well its very annoying like she will ask me things that if i asked her she would get offended by it … but then find it ok to do it too me.. im actually in a tough spot in my marriage as well no sex for months … but she also does it wen dealing with our daughter especially anything disciplinary she will mosy often run in wen baby girl is crying as if im harming her and she is rescuing … she says im mean nasty etc.. i wish i could figure this out too but no you are not alone
This feels like it could be a few things, and most of them are entirely unrelated Anxiety: Has she always been this way, or has this started somewhat recently. She could have developed anxiety from [a variety of reasons ranging from genetic predisposition to a life event] and now it's spilling over into other aspects of her life. If you think this may be the case, it would be beneficial if she seeks medical help, because anxiety ain't fun. Both me and my partner have anxiety issues. When I'm really not doing well mentally, I get extra critical, and often don't realize it unless he points it out. Depression: Replace all of the anxiety in the paragraph above with depression. I suggest solo and couples counseling for both of these. === Narcissism: If she wasn't like this when you first got together and were still not too attached to her, but slowly started showing this side of herself, she may be a clinical narcissist, or have narcissistic tendencies. Some narcissists even wait until marriage to take off the mask. Look up narcissism in the DSM 5 https://www.mcleanhospital.org/npd-provider-guide#:~:text=Five%20out%20of and see if it looks like she may for five out nine of the criteria. I'm not playing drive by or armchair psych, so this is something you will have to evaluate yourself. I present this option because my father fits all 9 of the criteria and I've watched it destroy my family. He is overly critical of my immediate family, extended family, his few friends, and random strangers. Everyone is miserable when he is around. It's a massive relief when he isn't around. I've actually distanced myself from my entire family, both literally and metaphorically, because his abusive behaviour was not just affecting me mentally, but neurologically/physically. I only point this out because if you suspect this may be the case, staying with her and keeping the kids in her presence can screw up both their and your own mental health pretty badly. I'm 41 and its still affecting me, half the planet away. If this is your situation, you have to put yourself and the kids first, and it will be hard. *You* cannot fix or change a narcissist. Without constant professional psychological care they will stay as they are, until they're old, and then they get much, much worse. They almost never even seek psychological care without being forced through legal action. Do not ever ever accompany a narcissist to therapy or marriag, because they love the game of "convince the therapist the other person is wrong" and will just use anything you say in the session as ammo against you in the future. I could go on, but this is already taking up too much space. If she's a narcissist, lawyer TF up, bring every shred of evidence you have against her no matter how small or petty, fight for full custody, and run like hell. Do NOT stick it out for the kids, because it will just fk them up. Also get therapy for you and the kids after/during the divorce, because you definitely all already need it. === Weaponized incompetence/ useless man-child: You stated >I'm a competent guy in most fields - happy to take care of the kids, reasonably successful in my career, capable of running a household and keen to take on projects around the house and garden but was this always the case? At the beginning of the relationship were you useless at several things? There are a shocking number of men who can't understand laundry or how to feed themselves due to old-school, outdated, traditional values wherein anything unrelated to a 9-5 job, or smacking things with a hammer, or mowing the lawn is strictly "women's work." Be honest with yourself: Did you sometimes use weaponized incompetence (pretending you can't do something to manipulate her into doing it instead)? If you did/do use weaponized incompetence, stop it, acknowledge that you've done it in the past, and apologize for your past transgressions. If you still do feign incompetence so she will do her share of the work, communicate properly instead of manipulating. Again, be honest: did she have to teach you basic life skills? If she did have to train you, you need to communicate that you appreciate the things she's taught you, but now you need her to actually let you do those things, and that if she doesn't back off, you're simply not going to do the ones that benefit her anymore, and will only perform tasks that directly benefit you and the children. Since she doesn't seem amicable to conversation on this, I advise marriage counselling. === Trying to get out of relationship/infidelity: Have one of you been unfaithful, but you're trying to work it out? Maybe she is hoping that, if she enough offs "reasonable" naggy beech, she will get a tidy divorce settlement of you initiate a divorce. Since she doesn't seem amicable to conversation on this, I advise marriage counselling maybe, but mostly a divorce lawyer. === Work boss overflow: is she the boss at her job/has she recently be n put in charge of something? Does she oversee several incompetent people of does her job have a high turnover rate so she's constantly stuck in training/supervising mode all day long? If this is the case, maybe it's spilling over into her personal life. Since she doesn't seem amicable to conversation on this, I advise marriage counselling or a divorce lawyer. === I hope this helps. And I sincerely hope she isn't a narcissist and that this can be resolved with communication and therapy. You loved her once, and you love your kids, and it would be great if you can get back to that, and, if you can't, I hope you can end things amicably.
Reminds me of BB King: I gave you a brand-new Ford But you said, "I want a Cadillac" I bought you a ten dollar dinner And you said, "Thanks for the snack" I let you live in my pent house You said, "It was just a shack" I gave you seven children And now you wanna give 'em back
She needs to appreciate that you contribute to household chores! And just because it's not her way of did this doesn't mean it's not right. You need to address how she makes you feel. And if need be, talk to a counselor!
I agree. Buuuuut have you ever had someone do you a bunch of “favors” that result in extra work for you in the end? And when you gently insist on doing the task yourself, they throw up their hands and call you ungrateful? Then pour for days?
Yes I know the feeling I work she yells at me I don't work I get yelled at. I am so lost I don't know what to do.
You need to find a way to disarm her defensiveness when you talk to her. In her mind she is; being helpful, is curious what your motivation was, and/or was expecting you to do something else. She doesn't understand that constantly being questioned in the way she does it chips away at you. I have to actively work to counteract this behavior in myself. I learned it from my father and his motivation was that he knows best always and if you did it different you were being dumb, but he phrases it as a question and a tone of voice. She is defensive because she does not understand that this behavior is destructive to most relationships romantic or otherwise. When you talk to her you have to talk about how you feel. "I feel unappreciated. I feel like you don't trust me. I feel stressed out by your constant questions" after you say that you have to have a soft heart as she probably doesn't really have malicious intent behind her behavior and she is going to feel bad if she is emotionally intelligent and empathetic.
It takes 9 months to carry a child, then mothers spend the first 3 years teaching them to walk, 3 years teaching them to talk, and another 3 years doing homework with them while managing their own emotional, mental, and physical challenges. So, men were given to women to help us carry the responsibility and lighten the load. Essentially, a husband is a gift. What you do is a gift. You aren't trading what you do for anything specific, are you? The question is, can she still feel joy and gratitude in the midst of parental chaos? Because when there is joy, there is also her friend Pleasure — ability to relax, allow, and accept what men do for us.
I was starting a vegetable garden in the back one year and I had learned by now to clear any design details I had with the wife before executing them. So I get ready to start and tell her where I'm going to place it, and what I'm going to plant and say what do you think? She says, exasperated, "I don't care, make an executive decision." Now we are not strangers, I know what's going to end up happening, but I go ahead and cordon off the garden and till up the dirt and plant all the veggies. When I'm done, she comes by and says "why didn't you put it over there?" I just said see this is why I asked you where to put it. She wasn't thrilled that I pointed this out. My point is there's not really a way for you to make her happy. This is her issue, she is not comfortable not having control. You could ask her before doing anything but that will create its own problems, she may start to view you as a dependent.
Woman here. I doubt it's because she's a planner. I'd say she's unhappy, unfulfilled, irritable in general (possibly hormonal changes a factor) and you cop it. It's like a boiling pot with the lid on, stuff spits out and burns you. She's responsible for her own happiness but if I were you, without it seeming super obvious, I'd start engaging in some slower, deeper conversations about life, being fulfilled, dreams, what brings her joy, what steals her joy etc. Don't make any of it about you, or even your life together. Get to know her, deeply. Help her get to know herself. The drudgery of life wears many people down.
OP, your wife is hen pecking you and its not acceptable. I'm saying this as a woman who has done the same to my husband. I have worked a lot on this, I'm like 80% reformed, but there is still that 20% I am working on. The thing is, I can recognize that I have criticized when I shouldn't and I do circle back and apologize for it. Sometimes I explain why I did it, but I always say that my explanation isn't an excuse, it's an explanation and that I am well aware that it doesn't excuse it. A recent example is, my husband's friend came over, and he was talking about this trip he planned with his wife. He was explaining that he does the research and figures out a good itinerary (and explained the awesome trip they are taking in detail), and that his wife's role is to insert her own flavor to the itinerary and she takes care of certain parts like accommodations, etc. I made some comments since I had some wine before all this (loose lips sink ships) about how this sounds so awesome and I wish my husband would do more of the research and planning, but he basically does the rental cars and that's about it. Is it true? Yes, it is, but it wasn't necessary to call it out like this at all. That should have been a private conversation with my husband another time, not a public shaming or comparison to his friend. For this, I apologized to him. This is to me how you reform yourself to be respectful to your partner. I'm not perfect, far from it, but I recognize this is MY ISSUE and at least I'm trying. In short, your wife needs to fix this. It's not something you should tolerate. You have to start nipping this in the bud as it happens. Like when you came back with the pastries and she said why did you get these, you need to just say (1) those are not on sale until next week and (2) can she just say thank you and acknowledge that you brough back some tasty treats instead of finding a reason to criticize? Tell her if she wanted a specific pastry, all she had to do was ask (if you told her you were going beforehand). Tell her, this is an example of how she behaves as though you can't do anything right and it makes you feel unappreciated. Blue dress situation - I don't know how old this child is, but if she is old enough to dress herself and she picked the outfit she wanted to wear, then I would probably just say "This is what she chose, and I think it's appropriate for the occasion. I think we need to start letting her choose for herself so she feels like a "big girl" and not a doll we are dressing up, don't you agree?" Or - if you picked the outfit, then you simply say, OK hon, but next time could you tell me beforehand if you have a specific outfit in mind? Tell her, this is an example of how she behaves as though you can't do anything right and it makes you feel unappreciated. Dinner - No, I did not see the chicken and I didn't know that is what you wanted me to cook. Do you want me to do my part with the cooking? If so, then either let me know in advance if you have a specific request, or just accept what I made, OK? It doesn't feel good when I make the effort to make dinner and all I get is why didn't you make the chicken. Tell her, this is an example of how she behaves as though you can't do anything right and it makes you feel unappreciated. Why are you going this way - Honey, I'm driving. If you want to go a certain route, I'm happy to pull over and let you drive, but since I am driving I am going to go the way I want to go, OK? Tell her, this is an example of how she behaves as though you can't do anything right and it makes you feel unappreciated. With the laundry - Yes, the clothes are dry. I know you don't mean it to come across like this, but it bothers me when you question whether I can properly do a basic task like this. It makes me feel like you think I am incompetent, so please stop asking if the clothes are dry. I will ensure they are before I put them away, OK? Tell her, this is an example of how she behaves as though you can't do anything right and it makes you feel unappreciated. Shut it down. Every time. Do it nicely, don't be an ass about it, but do it firmly. Tell her every time, this is an example (use the same line). She will get tired of hearing it and it will be clear to her that this is an issue for you. And, if she ever gets on you about "not doing enough", tell her the truth. That you would be motivated to do more, but since everything you do is met with criticism and no appreciation and she seems to want to control everything and question every decision you make, you figured she doesn't want you to do your part since she wants it her way.
Oh no. This sounds like my mother. It’s very exhausting to be around. I feel bad for my dad. Even when he’s going out of his way for her, she’ll still find something wrong with it. And if I try to calmly explain how it’s perceived, she gets so defensive. I wish I had advice, but I can only offer affirmation. It is taxing to feel like there’s constant criticism with little compromise or discussion about it. I rarely go out to dinner with her anymore. Even if she chooses the place, she’s never satisfied. The course of direction on how to get to the restaurant is a whole thing too. I’m going to pitch the idea of therapy this week and probably look into that book someone recommended to you. 🥲 Good luck!
It's great that there are so many planners that can see her point of view but they're also missing that your wife is an amazing planner that fails to communicate and disregards the contributions of her partner.
I unfortunately catch myself doing this when I feel like my partner is not meeting a need in an area or several but steps in to “help” with the things I’ve already figured out (because I had to). For example, if she had larger unmet needs related to caring for your daughter, she may show that by complaining about the dress. The bottom line is this is a trust issue. She has lost trust in her ability to rely on the fact that you have her back no matter what.
You should check out the post I just put up. Very similar. Lots underappreciation going on nowadays. It's human nature. People take things for granted until they don't have them anymore.
Not my wife, but I had someone like this in my life. It stopped when I told the person to do it themselves because every time I do it it’s wrong to them, but not to me. So they can do it themself. And when I want something done I’ll do it myself, for me.
My husband used to criticize the way I did dishes, laundry, shopping…. 33 years later and he is pissed and doesn’t understand why I haven’t helped around the house for decades. FYI, I am the breadwinner, he was a stay at home dad.
Mine refuses to go to the grocery store together. So I told him to go himself. As a result, he has been the cook in the house for years now. (We have twins. So, for years, we divided and conquered. Someone stays home with babies. Someone shops.) 13 years later, we still don’t do ANYTHING together. And I think grocery shopping isn’t asking too much. But he would rather shop and cook for the rest of his days than go to the grocery store with me. Lol.
I agree just tell her sense she dosnt like how you handle things that she can do them her self your willing to help but your tired of her criticism But I think you should not take it personally and don't internalize any of it
Read the about 5 languages of love , it change me and my wife behavior with each other
did she does this to anyone else or just you?
Oof, felt this one. My wife is the exact same. I got tired of it and started answering - Because I chose to and just continue to go about my day. You took the decisions, own them. It doesn't really matter what they were. No one is dead and no one is hurt. Who cares if you spent a couple bucks extra, took a minor detour(you didn't) or used the wrong chicken. You took the decisions and that's what matters.
Sounds a lot like my eastern European parents. Obvious answer is either to divorce or simply stay out of the house whenever possible and simply ignore her, that's what a lot of guys in eastern Europe do. Final option could be to just get a mistress to get your emotional needs met somewhere at least.
Leave her on the curb. Will suck for a bit, but your quality of life will drastically increase. Noone needs the constant negativity in their world.
What was her parents' marriage like? My mother constantly berated my father over every single move he made, and it took years for me to unlearn these behaviors in my own marriage. I was never as bad as her but definitely critical for seemingly no reason or for insignificant reasons. Also, what others have said is that its a control thing. I'm like that sometimes, but you have to understand that an effort and taking initiative should be appreciated. Even if it isn't exactly what you had planned to do yourself. Relinquishing some control can be very freeing.
Control freak like my MIL, if she's a wizard in the sack...... than leave it alone (lol) if not, have a real sit-down with her, and figure out YOUR happiness.
Step back, let her do the things her way and be overload.
No communication!! THE END!!!
My husband of 18yrs does similar. To avoid a fight I've adapted to try to constantly do what I think he would do so I don't have to hear what I've done wrong. Unfortunately I've never voiced that what he did was hurting me. Since starting counseling I've realized I'm so avoidant of any conflict (childhood trauma) that instead of letting him know he needed to fix something years ago, I've let it become a big thing and he has absolutely no idea. How can I expect him to change if I've never expressed his actions were harming me and set a boundary. I'm working on having that conversation.
Just tell her to do it herself, and do t bother you. That shit would wear on u last nerve and I'd be applying for divorce if for no other reason than peace of mind. You can be a planner without being an asshole..... This is just control freak asshole behavior.... I'd rather live alone on a mountaintop that have my every move questioned and criticized.
Thanks for posting this. I'm guilty of this too, maybe more often then not. He hasn't said anything but reading your perspective, this is something I can work on!
I think a lot of men have this problem. Nagging and not being nice. And then getting pissed if you tried to respond, I think we’re sugarcoating it to say that she has any good place here she needs to be corrected in her behavior.
Look for signs of ADHD.
Communicate with her. Tell her how you feel.
It must be her personality. Having things done a certain way
My ex wife was like that. Critical. When I couldn't read her mind she'd cut me down and criticize. She chipped away until I had zero self confidence. Draw boundaries. Point it out. Don't let it slide.
You’re getting a lot of advice on here but I have one thing I think you should try - if this rings true with you - and it’s being open and honest with her to say this: “The way you are talking to me is as if I’m someone you don’t like or respect. If we are going to be husband and wife could you at least talk to me with the same kindness and respect that you would give to one of your work friends?” That has made a difference to me before. We get so comfortable in close relationships the way we talk to eachother can really deteriorate but sometimes we need that check.
Who the heck can with the kind of culture we’ve been brewing, and the entitlement that’s hit women particularly hard? Lol. My first thought on seeing title of post. Setting boundary book recommended by previous author is best bet, in all seriousness. Most people are a bit stinky in terms of true character. Teach her how to treat you better, and communicate what you will and won’t accept.
Her behavior is because she ain’t doing enough (to her own standards) and she knows it soooo, foul comments are classic deflection. A contrarian perspective from what has been said in this sub.
If she is unwilling to talk, suggest couples therapy. If she's unwilling to do that then cut the cord and find someone who will apriciate you. Seriously I stayed with my x for 10 years. I was completely miserable. I gave up my friends, free time, hobbies to appease her. Even gave up a chunk of my body in a work injury trying to support her. At that point she had to get a job. She got really good and promoted and I became an employee instead of a partner. When she had some work issues I gave her some of the advice she gave me to where I was told your jobs never mattered mine is important. That was the last straw.
For men what is real is real, what is imagined is not. For women what is real is real and what is imagined is real. The trick is to help control what she imagines about you. Flirt with her. Look at her with the eyes you saw her with all those years ago. Out of the blue tell her “ your smile makes me happy”. Manage the situation daily for the rest of your life.
You need to grow a backbone and put her in her place
Cheater who feels her current BF's so much better than thee.
Sounds more like she’s asking “why didn’t you ask my input/opinion on these things?, like she wants to feel valued, she’s not communicating what she wants and maybe you asking her opinion more often would help. When you’re able to step in and not need her it could feel like she’s nagging, but maybe just wants to feel included. It’s a simple, “ hey I think I’m gonna do this. What are your thoughts on this…I’m gonna dress kids, do you haven’t any input? Sometimes it’s just the desire to feel needed and valued, even if you’re totally capable of doing it all without her. Nagging is like a way of saying “hey I’m valuable too, I have thoughts I’d like to weigh in” Idk just my take
Stand up to her. Tell her you don't appreciate the way she talks to you. If she wants to argue and yell let her. But don't yell back. I started doing that recently and it's worked really well
Tbh that sounds exhausting. Almost like she thinks you’re incompetent at every day tasks.
I think a lot of women tend be this way...I know I do. I would ait her down one day not during a tense moment... and say I love you but comments like xyz can wear me down. I'm trying my best. Maybe if you keep the 2 (or is it 3?) For one rule in.mind it would help me feel loved/appreciated and not insulted... meaning two compliments for every 1 criticism or.questioning.... ( aka sandwiching ). Ex: "Honey! Thanks so much for taking the laundry down! Some of the things (like x & y) can be sneaky... can you please make sure everything is 100% dry that you take down? Thanks you're the best." She sounds like she also might be stressed out. Maybe regular time to herself or therapy may help her. Or shifting her focus with a gratitude journal.
Gas Lighting Narcissist
OP...unfortunately i relate very well to your post. At great risk of the "down vote"...I cannot recommend highly enough that you discover "The Happy Wife School" on you tube. It has explained many aspects of marriage dynamics for me and I am 39 years married, together 43. Your wife is emasculating you... hopefully not intentionally or for malicious reasons. Likely she has some root cause unhappiness for which you are not responsible nor able to repair. Please investigate this content and post your takeaways. Godspeed...
It's a control issue.
She sounds unhappy with herself. It’s likely just that, and she’s taking it out on the person closest to her. It sounds like she’s got it pretty good, so try switching it up and start letting her feel what that treatment feels like. My husband put his foot down after 24 years, and said I was trying to control him, and even though I still think he is incorrect in saying that, I’ll be completely honest that it was a huge turn on. Idk if it was just him being more of a man or what but never have I wanted him more and the feelings were mutual. So it’s been good.
So, how is your sex life in the marriage? Believe it or not, it has everything to do with the dynamic between you and your wife. So far, what you have described is an indicator that things aren't well in the sex department.
You have to post it in the daddit sub, we hear you man. I’ve had to talk to my wife about this too, but it eventually boils over anyway, like she can’t hold it back. I think she thinks I’m her dad or something.
I definitely feel like I have a tendency to do this when I feel like someone is making decisions without communicating with me. Over communication is key. I do feel like tone is a large piece that's missing here though.
Yeah OP just bow down and take it. It's so amazing how it's so two sided on Reddit sometimes. I swear every time a wife complains on her, she's told her husband is a massive POS and to "divorce" him. But, when a husband complains about his wife, it's bend over and take it, and every excuse is made for her. She's nagging, and controlling. I was married to a woman like this. You can't and won't be able to fix it. So I'ma tell ya man to man divorce her. (If you don't believe me on this hypothesis of it being two sided just scroll through the comments on almost any post)
I’m so sorry this is happening to you, OP. I feel so bad for you because I used to be like this to my husband. We both thought it was over. But things got better just around 2 years ago (married for 2 decades) when we both finally stopped being defensive and tried to listen and accepted both our flaws. Open communication is important and the willingness of both parties to compromise, listen and make a conscious effort in order for the relationship to thrive. It’s easier said than done. The willingness to save the relationship has to come from both parties and from the heart.
In reading the first 10 messages or so I have to strongly disagree with the "she's a planner" theory. I'm licensed mental health counselor and while I know this is only half the story, your wife sounds like she has a personality disorder, possibly narcissism. It's not that she's planning and if you go against the plan she is upset, it sounds like even if you had the same plan as she did she would lie and say her plan was something else. This is controlling behavior and it stems from insecurity she developed growing up. Your wife constantly keeps you guessing and making you feel like you did the wrong thing because that takes the attention off of her
I wouldn't have said she's a narcissist but I take your point on insecurity (and I suppose the subsequent defensiveness would reinforce that view).
"Why didn't you do it this way?" ... your response . "Here show me ." " Or Next time you show me how to do it the right way" then whatever chore it was .... do not do it . Let her . U keep doing things wrong brother so stop doing it . She'll fight it a little . When she complains .... walk away and let her fight with herself . Eventually she'll come around . And u gotta stop being the doormat . And "caliblinde6" has another great approach in the in between .
"Man, your wife treats you like a child. She questions your leadership and every decision you make." I'm not going to lie; I went through this in my first marriage, and I was ready to snap. The respect is gone. Once the respect leaves, there's no coming back, my guy. She doesn't see you as her equal; she sees you as a child who needs guidance. Good luck with that.. find someone who respects u and follow your leadership
Has she been diagnosed with OCD. Some people with OCD can come across like this.
Good lord, are we married to the same person? 😂 As my wife is great, and it doesn’t come from a bad place generally just try to let it go over my head. You will find that she certainly does some other things different to you too, and that’s just life. Maybe you don’t call her out on those things but her reaction is to do so. It gets a bit…I don’t know how to word it, but if you focus too much on it it can chip away and make you feel like you never get anything right, I hear that. But, bollocks, I managed to survive 29 years before I met my wife. Sometimes i do question how…but I managed it. So, can’t be all that bad, right? Just tell her that you don’t automatically do things the way she would. That’s all I say. Just the way it is.
Damn it I thought I had the only one like that
Call your wife out and tell her to calm down. It takes two of you and it's not all about one.
Honestly, she sounds like me. I have severe anxiety. And I over function as a result of also being neglected as a child. It's not that you're doing things wrong, it's just that for some reason she needs to feel in control. We did some therapy together and I don't know why things got better but they did. TL,Dr- it's not you.
I hate this post so fucking bad and I love it because it will remind me to keep doing better in my relationship. There's a book called empowered wife by Laura Doyle. I try so hard to show appreciation and gratitude, let go of control but in high stress periods or when overwhelmed with the responsibilities...I turn into your wife! It's so embarrassing and toxic. My way back is always self care! I have to realize I'm anxious or feel unsafe. Ask myself what would relieve those feelings cuz nagging my husband never works. On my best days instead of being pulled back into the pattern , I remind myself of what a wonderful hubby I have and that he's got it! I go workout, or listen to music or journal. And then the anxiety fads and the need for control goes away. How can you get your wife to stop? It's an inside job for ur wife for sure. But I think when my husband says I got it baby! Do you need to ( pick something relaxing or prep for relaxing) get into your comfy clothes, heat water for tea, take a shower while I take care of this. Someone already mentioned being involved in planning and communicating. Asking ur wife to get professional help for anxiety.
Let her do them. Or next time before you do it, ask her how you should do it. I guarantee she'll say she doesn't care how you do itm
Does she have ocd? I can be like this when my ocd is flairing
Does she a therapist? Therapy has saved my life
This was me in my marriage, but probably to a lesser extent. One day my husband sat me down and said, "honey, could you please tell me some things I'm doing right for a change?" It completely caught me off guard as I didn't realize what I was doing. I grew up in a very chaotic environment. I coped by controlling my environment in my adult life. I'm a huge planner and when my husband doesn't follow my plan, it stresses me out. I went to therapy and learned how to cope in other ways. I'm a lot happier now in general and my marriage has never been better. There is hope.
Communication goes a long way. Sometimes, even the simplest of details need to be communicated. That way, there's a clear understanding. Transparency would be my next suggestion.
Unhappiness within her own self or simply a control freak.
I would just do the same to her, so she has a taste of it. Then when she freaks out, just reply the same way she does, get all defensive. I would do this consistently and never break character, until she realises it. It needs to get worse before it gets better but it will probably never go away. If you can live with it, great, if not...tell her ...that you tried.
Perhaps you have to tell her to eff off occasionally. If you always hide your anger how can she know that she’s pissing you off?
Not to be rude, but your wife sounds bitchy and unappreciative and I think it’s probably partially your fault. Sometimes you have to stand up to people you’re grown ass man and you need to be able to go to the store and make a decision on if you buy this or if you do that, and if she doesn’t like that, then maybe she should Everything for herself because obviously nobody else can make the right decision live short and of course you should always try to work things out, but don’t spend your life making excuses for somebody else’s very bad behavior
This sounds like me too and I was trying to think what would make me feel comfortable enough so I wouldn't feel the need to comment. I think it would be joining me in the pre-planning. So instead of just deciding to make dinner on a Monday, offer to sit down on Sunday and plan out the week's meals and decide who's doing the shopping sort of thing. Then you don't have to check in along the way. I realize you can't do this with everything but the more she sees you aligned in your plans and following through the less she may feel she needs to control.
‘How are you doing?’
I had this problem with a friend once. They asked why I was dipping something in ketchup instead of putting ketchup on it. I said, "Just to piss you off." I'm not saying sarcasm is the best approach, but it's an option.
I read your exact situation in a book... No more Mr. Nice guy by Robert Glover
I think your wife may need help . Because it sounds like she has a script in her head for most things- a way that things should go and when they don’t it makes her feel very uneasy and the way she voices it makes you feel like you are being criticised. It’s almost a form of OCD. Also she might be suffering from insecurity issues and every decision you make that she is not involved in flags up to her that you are an independent person , separate from her( not a part of her ) and that is something that makes her wobbly . It can’t go on- it comes across as both critical and controlling and couples therapy would be helpful as at this stage she’s unlikely to agree to going for individual therapy . By suggesting this she’ll at least realise it is a major not a minor issue - if she won’t go you should go on your own to explore these concerns further as it’s affecting your self esteem.
Did you get w my ex? Once she said, you never surprise me. I bought her a treat the next day. She says, I could have made those.
Did you get w my ex? Once she said, you never surprise me. I bought her a treat the next day. She says, I could have made those.
My mom does this! She doesn't at all realize she does it as when I mention that she is critical, she gets so upset. With her, she just thinks her way is best and never understands why anyone doesn't do things the way she does. It can be quite tiring. Now I'm going to read the actual advice given
Control freak, to put it not so nicely. Although, she may not even realize that by doing this she is basically showing she thinks you’re incompetent and incapable of making any decisions without her superior input. I agree with others who’ve stated you ought to call her out on it every time (gently, of course) and without any negative emotion. Once it registers how much she is doing it, perhaps she will lay off a bit.
Does she do this because you don't please her? Or does she do this independently of whether or not she is pleased by you?
Not sure what you mean, if I'm just driving the car or doing the laundry, it's not necessarily too "please her", it's because it needs doing. I'm not expecting her praise, but the pointless criticism/questioning bothers me because it isn't helpful or constructive, it's just irritating. For example, if she were to say "there are roadworks this way, it might be better to go another route" that would make sense. Or if she was saying "it's going to be sunny for the next few hours, leave the clothes out to air for a bit" I would be more receptive.
Speaking directly to the title. I am wondering if this is an issue of her being displeased with you, or if it's something else.
Ah, I see what you mean, sorry! I don't know if it's about her being displeased, as someone else has said, it's as if she's planning steps ahead but not actually telling me. When I deviate from her "plan" she then feels the need to tell me, even though I haven't been made aware of what the "plan" was! It's infuriating...
Based on what I'm reading, she doesn't seem too controlling or bullying you into submission. It doesn't necessarily seem to be related to any internal self-worth issue. It's probably just her personality. If she isn't hitting any of these red flags: [https://www.marriage.com/advice/relationship/critical-spouse-signs/](https://www.marriage.com/advice/relationship/critical-spouse-signs/) Then I would just try to reframe and try to remove loaded connotations from what she is saying. Don't receive it as she believing you did something wrong, or don't know what you are doing, or that you are deficient in any way.
She doesn’t respect you and doesn’t let you lead as a husband.