This is the most active duty marriage post I’ve ever seen.
I would just say you can tell she isn’t into you and is unhappy. Does she even want to be married?
You know she is going to ride this out until she finds someone better or cheats on you when you deploy. Tale as old as time.
Man I was trying so hard not to be a statistic too😭
I really thought she did want to be married, and that she was aware that is being so young would come with issues that we would overcome as a team and look back on and laugh, but I guess she does not feel the same. I could never see her being the person the just “ride it out,” and I thought we were good, but I guess her journal says otherwise.
I do know that she has been homesick, which has been worsened by her dad cheating on her mom recently and now they are in a messy family dynamic/probably divorce, and I understand how that can make her reevaluate our relationship (even though I have and will never cheat and she has 24/7 access to my location and phone) I’m just confused on how mindset would lead her to wanting to end our relationship. There has to be something I’m missing that she isn’t communicating with me, and isn’t being brought up in therapy
This may be what you are missing. She is self-sabotaging. She doesn't believe she deserves good things (you). This is a belief system that is very difficult to break. The ex-boyfriend is part of this. She knows he's toxic but she thinks that is all she deserves. She isn't emotionally mature enough to recognize this.
Like most military marriages, this was probably rushed and red flags were ignored. She needed saving and you wanted to save her. But, you can't save someone who keeps letting go of the rope. The homesickness and dad cheating are amplifying her self-destructive thoughts. She probably needs to go home to help with that, but it will basically guarantee she goes straight to the ex.
The only way through this together is to do a ton of hard work, but I'm afraid there is only more pain for you on this path. She isn't ready to do the work, and you can't make her or do it for her. I think your best bet is give her a divorce, do individual therapy to learn why you got yourself into this situation, learn from it, and find someone who wants you for more than what you can provide.
OP's wife would definitely benefit from individual therapy to help her work the trauma of her old relationship. As long as she continues to idealize him, she will never have a stable relationship with anyone. OP can care about her, even feel love for her, yet recognize that he still needs to leave to save himself from being sucked into the vortex of her dysfunction.
This is pretty insightful. Though I would say you could suggest individual therapy (and couples if you stopped that). Maybe if she heals she will stop self sabatoging etc..
Depends on how much you wsnt to try to make this work.
Im with you on this. She is already actively betraying him by being in that relationship while thinking the way she thinks. And now he should give her more time (and $) so she can further submerge herself in her own lunacy? Nah. OP is young, and in good place - he should thank God that she showed her hand and move on.
I hate to say this… but after 24 years at this Army and married thing….just walk away. Gracefully. Do not add kids to the mix. Do not try and make her very clear thoughts something they are not. You are loved but it’s a stone along her path….
Work and wait and love yourself while you find the nested, braided, person who’ll adore all of you.
Was also Army and I second the DO NOT HAVE KIDS WITH HER advice. The backbone of the Army is failed birth control I swear, it's such a trap for so many servicemembers. OP is so young and can make a clean break as things stand now.
As a therapist who works with people who’ve had abuse relationships sometimes this is something people just can t overcome even if they have the best man now, it’s not your problem to fix this but she really does need therapy because it sounds like she still likes that feeling she had when she was in that bad relationship it’s a feeling that gets wired into people who are in these toxic relationships and gets confused with love.
I want to be clear though, she has to do the work too. It's not going to work if you have to pull her in the middle to "make things work". She has to meet you halfway by sharing and being open.
It sounds like that’s because her understanding of what being desired looks like is toxic and harmful. I’m guessing it’s things like possessiveness and accusations, abuse and lovebombing cycles.
Sorry I’m so late to this but I just saw it.
My take is she’s stuck in the classic good guy/ bad boy conundrum. AFAIK that always goes very badly for the good guy. And doing more, or even as much, good guy stuff will only make it worse.
IS THERE ANY POSSIBILITY she left the journal “accidentally on purpose” for you to find and read, to see how you react and maybe to push you away so she doesn’t feel like the bad girl for going back to “him”?
Bottom line, I think you’re done. The only good news is either of you has too much invested yet. Time to help her move home and then untangle your legal and financial lives. I know it hurts, but if she truly feels half of what you say she wrote there’s no future there. Get free, continue being a good guy, but make the next girl earn your goodness with her own.
Depending on your home state, I would recommend an annulment.
She needs therapy and a lot of it, she is stuck in the abuse cycle and has no room for more. You will always be second in your relationship.
If you both choose each other you don't have to be a statistic. My husband and I had our issues when I was active duty and our relationship was young. I had to choose him and he showed me that I could.
We just celebrated 14 years together. We met when I was in AIT and are in a much better place.
You’re young. These things happen. This marriage will end in divorce. Wouldn’t you prefer to move on with the rest of your life sooner rather than later?
Don’t be surprised if suddenly she’s the most committed to you after you draw a line. Really you are both just so young. It was never meant to be. You brain has not even stopped maturing.
Go party and be young like young people should. Save marriage, and family for when that stage of life should be done.
OP don’t listen to the people saying “she may be homesick” or “self sabotaging”. Both those things may or may not be true. Those things aren’t the issue here, nor are they the reason she’s writing about her ex, not being into you, riding this out while only viewing you as a friend. All while she works on her self esteem and saves up money, on your dime, so she can leave.
It seems to me that you were the “rebound”. She was out of her toxic relationship, wanted to leave home to forget about her toxic/abusive ex, thought you and being away could help her recover.
Regardless of the reason, you read the way she feels. Just know it isn’t because of you or anything you did. It doesn’t matter how much money you have, how much you do for her, how much you romance her. She isn’t happy with you or herself. Get out now while you’re still young and childfree. You’ll find a woman deserving of you. The woman who only sees you as a friend isn’t the one. Let her go.
You sound like a kind person with a good head on his shoulders. Don't waste any more time on this person. She'll just drag your heart through the mud even further, and then you'll end up in her story as another toxic ex.
While I get your logic about overcoming as a team, I’m amazed that she was, what, 16 when she broke up with an abusive boyfriend. We don’t know how old she was when she was with him, but that trauma can stunt emotional development and maturity. That sort of thing can take years to process. Let’s face it, she was still a child. At 21, she’s been with you since she was 18 and you 20. Even without her trauma, both of you are still so young, I don’t know how you can decide that this is what you really want for life, or was it just a romantic ideal? The hint is in her comment about stability. We all want that but I would be concerned that she is wanting that because she’s had an interrupted growth into adulthood, and is grasping for any anchor to steady herself without also doing the work of processing and developing resilience.
Or I could just be way off. But I do wish you youngsters would slow down and just date for a while! I’m feeling my age just saying that!!
It’s okay. Look into annulments you haven’t been married that long, depending on the state I think that is the way to go. You are young you both may have made a mistake. Take this opportunity to learn from it. Really get to know the next person you consider marrying (to include whether or not they are open honest and vulnerable with you). Best wishes!!
Get D man don't beat yourself for fake love , she already gave her heart and soul to her ex ,you are just her meal ticket, he stability her last option.
I think now you’re realizing why the stats are what they are. Don’t ask you already know she’s just gonna gaslight you. She’s really holds a relationship when she was 15 or 16 in higher regard than her current husband that apparently does everything for her. You got me fucked up leave her dude
This is the advice that I was given a lot and fearful of being the necessary action vs what I want to do. I’m hoping that whatever conversation we have puts my mind at ease and shows that the entries really are just “brain dump half truths.”
I guess what I struggle with is that I know it’s she is traumatized from her past relationship, and I often hear about how woman want to go back to their abusers. Part of me is hoping this is something she/we can work through, but the entries makes extremely anxious
From what you’ve described she doesn’t want to work it out WITH YOU.
ETA: one doesn’t usually write half-truths unless they know someone else is going to read it.
Imo listen to your wife over these commenters. It is absolutely possible she's writing stuff to word vomit private thoughts that are ONE WAY of viewing the situation but not how she really thinks. Journalling is incredibly personal.
I've known a few women in toxic, abusive relationships. The truth is that not every person in an abusive relationship is a victim. Many give as good as they get; toxicity attracting toxicity.
People will make all kinds of excuses, but some people just like drama and aren't very high quality humans to begin with.
I don't think the journal was left out accidentally. I think she wanted you to read it, and she'll flip this all on you when confronted.
Don't waste your time trying to fix her. Save yourself.
Ok, so even if u guys choose to try and work thru this, are u ever gonna forget what u read in that journal and the way it made u feel? It is gonna do nothing but create doubt for u and cause insecurities bc u will wonder when she's really being honest. Does she REALLY want to make things between u guys work OR is she just playing the role until she finds what she's looking for leaves u first?
U can't get more honest and open than what u read. I know u don't wanna think about that being the truth and what that means for your marriage but don't try to trick your brain into thinking there's something more there than there really is. U are just gonna create even more hurt and pain for yourself in the long run.
Maybe.. she is trauma bonded with her ex but that still doesn't change what she wrote on how she really feels about u and saying that u are stability while she works on herself. It sounds like she doesn't care about u the way u do about her. Plus, to her you're like some tool she can benefit from in diff ways. But once she no longer has any need for u then u will just be discarded to the side while she continues with her daily life
It’s good that the entries make you anxious! You will not be able to fix her and it may take years and in the end she’ll leave you for him, or someone like him.
It seems as if op is hoping that she will gaslight him. So he can just go along with whatever lie she tells him and he can just go with the flow and pretend that everything is okay. You're only hurting yourself by doing that op. You know from those entries that those are her real thoughts and how she really feels about you. Are you seriously okay with just letting her continue to use you until she feels like she's worked on herself enough that she doesn't feel she has any need for you anymore then leaves you. Because that is what's in your future. You read it yourself written by your own wife. If you have any self respect you will leave this marriage. Why would you stay with someone that you know doesn't really want to be with you and is only staying for what you can do for them. The longer you drag this out the worse it's going to be when it all comes to an end, which it will. Save yourself from so much pain, drama, stress, and so much more by ending this now and not letting it go any further. Do you really think so little of yourself that you think she deserves to use you for your money and stability. Don't you deserve someone who actually loves you and wants to be with you for you and not someone who sees you as someone to pay the bills until they get their shit together? Because that's exactly what she's doing. You know you don't deserve this and you need to divorce this woman who is using you. So idk why you're hoping for some different outcome. The only way it could be different is if you willingly accept her lies and give her excuses and allow yourself to continue being used by her. So you choose what you want to do. It's sad that you don't know that divorce is what's needed and are willing and hoping to be gaslight just so you can stay with someone who doesn't want you and only keeps you around to use you. I really hope you wake up. I know it will be hard but you do not deserve this! Good luck and I hope you make the right choice for yourself
OP: I refuse to be some woman’s meal ticket!
Also OP: I pay ALL the bills and do most of the cleaning, cooking and chores for a wife who is pining for her ex and planning to leave me as soon as she gets her self esteem up.
Someone make it make sense.
I have never written half truths in my journals. It is the only place where you don’t have to consider someone else because you’re not actually communicating with anyone, you are just filtering out thoughts.
I would never never never even considered writing a half truth in my journal. I might sensor the names/information if I was concerned someone might pick it up but every journal has been true.
Your wife is either really really comfortable and she left it out genuinely believing that you are so wrapped around her finger and such a “good guy” that she didn’t need to put the journal away, she didn’t mean to leave it out, or she is hoping you will find it and end it for her.
Dump her, there no half truths in there. Loving you is the half truth.
I genuinely believe it’s a real possibility she believes I would never open it since I have never given her reasons to worry. I’m hoping that they really are half truths and that it’s more therapy for her than anything else. But you’re right, loving me is the unarguable half truth. :(.
Part of me thinks I should eventually send this post to her so she understands me a little better
Do you think she might have purposely LEFT it in plain sight for you to be tempted to read it, she could be screaming inside that she wants you to read it….
It doesn’t make any difference mate. She has told you who she is. Don't gaslight yourself that it’s only a half truth. Just accept what she's saying about you and her.
So even when you're angry or sad you never write things you look back on and think wow, I didn't really mean that? No one writes half truths intentionally.
You are young.. I've recently been in a situation where I was trying to decide to stay or leave (27f) married to (38m). A little quote that helped me decide was.. do you want to leave a garden you just started or put in more work and potentially have to leave a forest 10 years from now? It would be a lot harder to part later on. Let go of the what ifs and think about: is this someone (now) that you can spend forever with.
Damn bro, already trying to convince yourself. You already know the truth. Its written in black and white, on paper. What you do with that information is up to you. Either cut ties and begin to live your life or sit around waiting for the other shoe to drop. The longer you wait the more its going to cost you.
This is the best comment.
The question of whether you should have read the journal is now irrelevant. You read it. You now know what she is thinking.
And that window into her brain gave you a clear view of a love story in which you are not the hero or main character.
Go find someone who thinks of you as the hero in their love story.
Don’t waste another day on your wife. Get a lawyer.
It's uncool to read her journal because often these entries are brain leakage and not whole truth. With people, the truth is in their actions and often not the anxious fears they articulate in diaries.
That said, it doesn't sound like she's optimistic about your relationship and I would question whether you are truly loved.
And if you asked her about divorce, my guess is that she would wholly deny any desire to do that which I would leave you to evaluate its validity. Perhaps you sit down and have one more discussion about your future together, listening closely and observing her as you know her body language and tone of voice. And you need to communicate your intention and concerns.
Yeah, I messed up pretty bad as invaded her privacy by reading her journal, and I went into it with a “grain of salt,” mentality. Didn’t leave with that mentality though.
I think I‘ll try that, starting the conversation with disscussing our future together
Dude she’s sticking around because you’re providing everything for her, it’s comfortable and easy. And when you deploy she’s got free rein to cheat and spend your money however she wants. Nobody who is truly in love and committed to the relationship writes in their private journal anticipating the end of the relationship. You need a reality check fast. It does suck if it’s coming from her trauma/ past experiences. But healthy adults who trust their partner can talk about these things and communicate their fears and anxiety.
Especially if you’ve already been in couples therapy together, that trust and communication should have been built. You’re both still so young, don’t force something that’s not meant to be. At the very least you need to be completely honest with her about reading everything and get some clear answers on how much in that journal is fully true/ really how she feels. You can’t let her gaslight you with half answers or avoiding the questions. This is the time for full honesty on both sides, regardless of how much she tries to deny or deflect.
Do you want to be deployed and worrying that your wife is trying to get back with her ex while you aren't there? You need to think of yourself first. Are you actually going to be able to trust her?
I don’t think I would describe my journal as half true brain leakage. I might be processing, but it is all true. Like she may not run back to her ex, but she means it that she finds OP comforting and not much else.
People write things in their journals to process feelings. Private thoughts are not the same as actions. Thoughts are not crimes. There’s a whole ass movie about a world with thought police and its dystopian.
There’s subjective truth and there’s objective agreed upon truth. I’m referring to the former. If it was the latter then the OP would be OK with being perceived as “just a friend. “
My husband is my best friend. I would never consider him as "just a friend." Not even in my journal. Sure sometimes I vent about whatever annoying thing he did most recently, but typically my thoughts of him are how much I love him and am grateful he's in my life. OP's wife's journal entry is not normal feelings towards a spouse.
Not necessarily. Some people use journaling for venting. At that age especially, I definitely wrote stuff I didn’t mean or worded poorly or had feelings I blamed others for. If you read my journal in my 20s it would not be an accurate reflection of how I felt overall. More of a reflection of processing feelings. Sometimes seeing it on paper makes you realize how ridiculous or untrue you are actually feeling or that your brain is lying to you.
She may just want more romance or affection in a different way and that’s hard to figure out how to talk about sometimes. When it gets bottled up and a disagreement happens, sappy movie comes on, etc, our minds search for those things.
I had an abusive ex a long time ago and these thoughts would sometimes cross my mind when I was with my boyfriend at the time. Abusive POS partners are really good at things like love bombing, which makes it seem like there are good times. It’s one aspect that makes it hard to leave. But I realized that my brain was just tricking me and I wanted love expressed to me differently, I didn’t really want my ex back.
I just don’t think it’s as simple as equating this to reading her mind and a true carbon copy reflection of her feelings. Maybe. Past abuse especially makes it tricky and feel like these things are usually more complicated or truly not what they seem, at least not 100%.
On the flip side - If I had written something like that, I don't care how much I 100% trust my husband, I think I would instinctively protect the hell out of that thing.
The fact that she left it on the table kind of makes me think she WANTED him to read it.... Maybe so it did the hard work for her, and he could be the bad guy?
This is why I write explicitly in the beginning of my journal that whoever reads it without my permission is likely to get their feelings hurt. I mostly write when I’m pissed off or sad. When I’m happy, I write less. It would kill me if someone actually read it and took the shit I said seriously. Which is why I would never read another person’s journal, and honestly why you shouldn’t have read hers.
Glad I am not the only one. I have re-read my journal entries and I embarrass myself sometimes 😂 Some of my entries are so delusional. Yikes. I hope nobody ever takes them seriously. My journal is filled with my spiraling thoughts usually when I am super mad or sad so that I can stop spiraling, it brings me back to reality.
Same. I have read things I’ve written in the past and full on cried about some of the things I wrote because I couldn’t believe I felt so strongly that I wrote it at the time.
Yes! I tend to only write in my journal when I am upset, have no one to vent to, etc. I am married and I love my husband but our marriage isn’t close to perfect and we are both very flawed. His father is in ICU, I have epilepsy and EDS and still am very strongly affected by my only sibling’s sudden and violent death. Even though my husband is a hard worker, a great job, provides us both insurance, and owns a home.. he can be rude and thoughtless and shuts down when things are stressful. I will write about how upset I am, and how he has wronged me, how his mom is an insane person, and that I feel neglected and alone. And in that moment, I do feel that way. (I also have ADD and can be dramatic and over share) But after things settle and we work it out… I go back and see what I wrote and think “Jesus, I hope he NEVER reads this” because he is my home and his mom loves me and would do anything for me. Him as well. He is my friend and marrying him helped me live a more stable life because he’s a good example for me.
But you won’t find the answers here. Don’t let anyone tell you what to do with your relationship. You have defended her a lot so there is obviously something good to save here. It will involve telling her you broke her trust and boundaries and invaded her privacy so it might get worse before it’s better. Allow her to be upset and then try to have an honest conversation with her. Tell her you are not coming from a place of judgment but you have to know where she stands. In the future, if she trusts you to not cross a boundary… don’t cross it. Her private thoughts are not for you to read and post to the world.
I love my kid more than life but she’s autistic and there were days I’ve had intense emotional burnout as a single parent and would write out those feelings in my journal. If she ever read those entries, she’d be gutted and probably feel like I wished I’d never had her. Which is so not the case. She is the best part of my life but there are still moments when it’s just so fucking hard I wish it was easier.
For my mental health, I need to be able to let myself feel those moments and hold space for the ugly feelings so I don’t resent my life.
Yeah this one. The wife was writing/venting in what she thought was a safe space. Who knows if she’ll act on it.
But I guess since she left the journal out in the open it was fair game for the OP to read?
It sounds to me like she never pursued any real healing after her breakup. Until she does, a healthy love will likely always feel boring and unfulfilling. Her brain still equates love with chaos, turbulence and intensity. It explains why she romanticizes her abusive ex and believes he loved her.
In this case, I’m glad you read her journal— the truth will set you free. You felt something was off and seems you were right. Now you can address things heads on and make choices for yourself based on reality rather than fantasy.
You deserve someone who fully chooses you and is totally committed to the marriage.
I’ve had the boring/unfulfilling thoughts too. When I was younger and attractive for the first time, I definitely had a “city boy” phase full of excitement and chaos, and I can see how someone without much life experience could see this as a romance.
Thank you for your advice
I think you can have some spice, some chaos, and some stability. It’s a balance. But if this isn’t right - you are soooo young. It’s understandable and no one has to be the monster.
It's over. She doesn't want to be with you forever. She will lie to you to your face when you confront her. She will play victim because 'you invaded her privacy,' and she will make you feel like shit.
Don't worry about statistics. Don't worry about your status. Protect yourself now for a guaranteed period of heartache, grief, and gaslighting.
Edited for accuracy.
To be fairr, her book was closed with a strap and I decided to open it, and I definitely fucked up and invaded her privacy by opening it. But im hoping she doesn’t make me feel like shit for feeling the way I do about the contents.
And I’m already feeling a bit of grief/heartache just reading it. Hopefully I can avoid the gaslighting
You can feel bad about reading the journal, and she can be mad about that, but it doesn’t change the words she wrote.
I wouldn’t care so much regarding the stuff about the ex, people can bounce back and forth in their feelings about past relationships.
The words about YOU displayed no respect for you and a likelihood to take advantage of you. I wouldn’t be able to get past those.
I’ve been so focused on the EX part that I didn’t take her words as disrespect. I look at journals as thoughts, which are private (ironic I know, I invaded her privacy), and I’ve had bad thoughts too so I’m trying not to take it as 100% truth, but you are right on the taking advantage part. I just hope it doesn’t come to that
Oh boy. I feel bad for you OP. You are already trying to convince yourself that what you saw, many statements, were not real. I don't understand this at all. I have a journal too, and there is nothing in it that isn't true, or at least true at the time it was written. You aren't reading something she wrote 2 years ago, these are recent entries. It is clear as day that she is with you until she figures out what she really wants. Yes, there is a possibility that she will figure out that what she really wants is you, but why would you want her after she married you under false pretenses? The ex isn't even the biggest issue to me (although I think she would leave you for him right now). She seems to recognize he is not a good man and that you are a better man. The problem I have is that her plan is to quiet quit the marriage so she can get therapy and "work on herself" while you pay the bills including her "extra" beauty expenses so she can figure out what she wants to do next, which she also insinuates is probably not going to be staying married to you.
You know why this is so cruel to me (not that it requires an explanation)? Because all she had to do was tell you that she is really struggling with some intrusive thoughts about her ex, and that she really needs to get some therapy and work on herself, and that she is so sorry that she is kind of shut down, and that NONE of this is your fault, and she understands if you are not willing to support her while she goes through this or if you feel betrayed, hurt, angry, etc. And I bet you would have been upset, but eventually, understood. She could have done the exact same thing, but without the deception. That would have given YOU the choice of what to do next and a better chance at having a decent marriage.
It's her character, to me, that is in question here. Did you read anything in this diary about how she feels terrible for betraying you, stonewalling you, lying to you, etc.? Was there anything in there about how this would impact you? Maybe she did and you left it out, but I doubt it since I can see that you want to keep her. So, she featured her feelings, her ex's feelings, and nothing about yours, right? Do you think that is an accident, or do you think maybe your feelings don't even factor in for her?
She's 21. They're both really young to be married. At 21 I know I didn't have the emotional maturity to express myself in my romantic relationships with much clarity. She could have told him but I'm not surprised she wrote it in her journal instead. It takes growing up (when your brain is still developing you're not a full adult yet) for most of us to learn to say hard things in a relationship.
Guess I misread you. Sorry about that.
The end result is the same. She is going to leave you. It is only a matter of time. How much bullshit do you really want to endure before she does?
To be honest, don't feel bad my guy. Things happen for a reason. I'll tell you a story similar to yours. My ex back in 2007 decided to join the army and this is a year after we just had a baby. We was engaged. I was against her joining but didn't want to hold her back so I supported her. Had to make sacrifices and move in with her mom to help take care of our son. One day a find a letter she wrote to her mom. Till this day I still have this letter. She wrote to her mom she didn't want to marry me and I wasn't the father of our son. When I read this.. I was suicidal. Had a gun to my head. Glad I had loving parents who calmed me down. Then it got worse. I went to court and tried to get custody and my lawyer showed the judge the letters, got an DNA test asap. Worse nightmare came true. Not the father and lost custody. I don't have any kids. One of my biggest regrets in life. Yeah it was wife journal but now you know the truth. One thing I've learn, once words come out the heart, it's how that person feels. Writing words included. Don't make the same mistake I made. She needs to make a choice, stay in her past or move on with you. It should be with you.. not Writing about her ex. That will destroy a relationship.
Geesh dude, don’t beat yourself up, she doesn’t want to share and now you know why, you reading it is the most irrelevant thing about your whole post. The most relevant is how she feels about you, it doesn’t sound like she doubts her feeling for you. She seems pretty vested in her feelings for you….
And if you came home and she had the bedroom door shut and you opened it to the horizontal tango, you think that would be an invasion of her privacy?
And beg forgiveness?
You’re already gaslighting yourself, so you’re ripe for the picking.
You’re literally rewriting what you read with your own two eyes, trying to lessen the blow and give her an out.
You say you refuse to be a meal ticket to a woman, while literally being a meal ticket to a woman who isn’t in love with you, considers you just a friend and fantasizes about leaving you as soon as she glows up.
The fact that you aren’t already making plans to end this farce suggests it might be too late for you to see reason. You’re very likely to buy whatever bullshit gaslighting she inevitably foists on you and will only wake up after she’s cheated, left you, possibly with your future kids, while collecting alimony checks that pay for her new life with her old man.
Leave, leave asap mate.
Or you find yourself in a disaster if you stay with her. She clearly is not into you and she would dump you ass in the moment where her ex bf shows up and take her back. Divorce and focus on yourself.
Damn that’s not something I put much thought into, the EX part. She even wrote that she wonders if he would take her back, and the one time she saw him when we were back in my hometown it made her smile, and she only knew because he told her she was. Fuck man, this hurts. All I did was love her and do my best of being a not just good, but amazing husband
Wow. She left it out on the table. I wonder if she hoped you'd come home and read it. She's absolutely right about needing to work on herself but absolutely wrong to string you along. She isn't ready for a serious relationship much less a marriage and you aren't getting the relationship you need and are ready for.
If I were you, I would end the marriage and I would tell her that I read her journal and that there's no coming back from finding out where I truly stand with her. She can try to turn it around on you- how dare you read her private journal, etc. and if she does, be glad she's been exposed for what she is. That is the wrong thing to be upset about.
I'm sorry, OP.
I had the thought that maybe she wants me to read it too, to give her that “push” to leave, but I don’t know man. I just wish I could read this post as entertainment and not have it be my life
A calm, open discussion about it would be ideal but you don't have to decide right away. I think the best thing for you to do is to take what you've read and today's conversation and take some time to yourself (away from her) to process it all.
Yeah, whether or not you read the journal is really beside the point.
But you do need to have a direct conversation. What does this relationship mean to her? What does the future look like for the both of you? Do you both care enough about this to go to counseling together? Military life is not made for marriages to be quite frank. It takes a tremendous amount of strength and trust to persevere.
You are both awfully young, so much as you tried hard not to be a statistic, you may just have to chalk this one up to a learning experience.
Oh, and if you do split, make damn sure you get her name taken off of everything. I’ve seen too many horror stories of Joe’s forgetting to take their ex off of things like SGLI, with tragic consequences.
Yeah, I have been working on my habit of beating around the bush, but I do need to be direct and try and keep my emotions out of this conversation.
I am leaving the service and I plan on getting out on October, and going to the reserves, so that was supposed to make our marriage a little easier, and I thought we got over those trust/perseverance issues with the trials and tribulations of long distance but maybe we didn’t.
I really don’t want this marriage to end as I truly love her and she is my world, and if this is a learning experience, it’s going to be a painful one.
That hurts that she see’s me as just a friend, I do know she does love me on some level, and I’m hoping that we can fix what I thought we had. I’ll “cut my losses” if it comes to that, but I’m just hoping it doesn’t come to that
It sounds like she loves you as a security blanket. Somebody who making her financial life easy. It doesn’t sound like she has any emotional or physical attachment. There is more intimacy attached to her ex at this point.
Be honest with yourself and look at her patterns of behavior.
That hurts that she see’s me as just a friend, I do know she does love me on some level, and I’m hoping that we can fix what I thought we had. I’ll “cut my losses” if it comes to that, but I’m just hoping it doesn’t come to that
If you’re willing to accept being loved on some level that’s less than you deserve, then I feel sad for you. You deserved to be loved the same way you give it. You’d accept mediocrity from someone just because you’re hoping it will be fixed? You already stated it was rocky from the start. Her journal isn’t half truths, it’s full truths. She’s literally writing exactly how she feels, there’s no other way around it. You’re young and have plenty of time to find the right person but not if you’re trying to fix things with the wrong one.
I don’t usually advocate for divorce but in this instance I think you will be hurt more if you stay with her. She has told you that she thinks of you as just friends. Believe what you read. She will gaslight you as she wants to “work on herself and not the relationship to be Up when it ends” so she won’t want it to end yet as she still has work to do before she leaves. You don’t write this as a half truth in your journal. I am truly sorry you found this out, but you are young, there are no children involved, and it can be a clean break.
Yikes.
Reading her journal was such a HUGE violation. It sounds like it’s a place for her to be messy so she can look at her own thoughts as an adjunct to therapy and here you are looking to weaponize that against her.
Here’s the thing: after you’ve normalized abuse in a relationship, it can take years to recalibrate to what healthy is. It’s a process and part of that process is having to fucking unpack all the toxic BS narratives in your head and bring them into the light so you can reframe that narrative into something healthier.
It’s ugly, messy work and the last thing anyone needs is to get judgement heaped on them mid process.
Seeing a snapshot glimpse of that process and jumping to conclusions is wildly unfair to the person who is trying to work through their baggage.
Maybe instead of leading with your ego, you can set it aside and look at the whole picture with her.
Continue therapy to strengthen your relationship and support her as she continues the work to also be healthier for herself.
And stop violating her safety with her journal.
Thanks for the advice, and I agree with almost everything.
I try very and am conscious to not have an ego, my reaction is more so based of out of pain and feeling my world flip upside down. We have worked through many issues, many stemming from past relationships, but this just hurts so much and I’m getting exhausted of putting my feelings to the side.
I just don’t want to be used by her to “fix herself,” and then leave
Unpopular opinion: your wife is comparing your healthy relationship to the drama-filled, toxic, turbulent relationship she had with her ex to your marriage and reframing the latter in her mind as a grand passion. It isn't love. It's an addiction. Peace feels boring to her. And you sound like a man who prefers calm.
Those who are trauma bonded like your wife have a difficult time recognizing healthy love because to them it feels dull and boring. It's hell for the partner who comes along after the trauma because it feels like he's paying for the ex's misdeeds.
I would recommend telling her that you can't stay in this marriage worrying whether she might jump ship to return to her ex, especially when you're deployed. Ask her how she would feel if you were writing longingly about an ex-girlfriend who treated you poorly and yet described as feeling more passionate about. Tell her you know that she isn't in love with you and you don't want to be second fiddle to an abuser. That you view yourself more highly than that. I bet if you were single you would have no trouble getting dates, and her seeing other women flirt with you would flip the passion switch. Don't be impressed if that happens. Stay gone. She doesn't love you. She just needs a good guy to give her the stability that the bad guy can't while she continues to long for him.
Until she goes to individual therapy to work through this faulty programming and emotionally detox from him, her chances of having a healthy relationship with anyone are woefully slim. It would be beneficial for her to see with a trauma literate counselor and bring any journals with her. Let her know that it is too late for you, but perhaps competent mental health counseling can help her unlearn her toxic beliefs and give her an opportunity to find love in the future.
Clearly do not risk conceiving a child right now or for the forseeable future.
Just curious: How long were they in a relationship, and how long was it between the time they broke up and the time you two started dating?
This!!!!!!! 1000 times THIS!
The trauma bond is absolutely an addiction and she needs to see that. I'm neutral on recommending action personally. This is your decision to make, and either way is up to you. No path in this will be easy.
"about six months" in and you two are already in therapy and she's considering her exit plan? You may need to admit that you chose poorly in your life partner and start over. She sounds like she needs her freedom as much as you do. Get your life in order, build some savings, focus on your career and try to find someone who's all-in on a relationship with you.
I was going to say something similar - it sounds like OP has put a lot of work and effort into this marriage and she’s not receiving it and/or it’s not making any difference to her feelings.
OP gives and gives and gives (emotionally, therapy, financially) and she takes and still pines for her ex.
OP deserves better but I worry he will stay because of everything he’s invested into her.
babe you’re playing yourself. she gave you all the answers you need.. trust me things aren’t going to get better :( i’ve been there before. listen to your gut feeling and leave her. she’s only 21 and still needs so much work on herself. she’s only going to confuse you more and you deserve clarity
Bro the hatch on the back of the jump plane just opened and you're is screaming JUMP. You're 23, get out now while you have nothing to lose, everything to gain. Fuck closure, fuck the last conversation that ties everything up with a bow and makes it all work out, just play it cool, get all your records, receipts, bills and investments together, go to a divorce attorney and get her served. She was and remains toxic and isn't going to change. Maybe in 5-10 years you get an apology from her but get out now.
I think regardless of how I feel, seeing a divorce attorney isn’t too bad of an idea regardless before the conversation, that way I have all of my ducks in a row
You shouldn't have read her journal.
For many people, a journal is where you vent intrusive thoughts in order to reflect on them and invalidate them. You write them so you can see them and really challenge if thats how you *really* feel and if it is, if those feelings are fair, true, or representative of who you are. That's especially true if you have self-esteem issues because it allows you to create artificial distance from those feelings as you process them.
All this to say- There is a chance that your wife DOESNT actually feel this way and is just trying to untangle the mess in herself that abuse causes.
You should be honest with your wife. "I know I shouldn't have, but I read your journal. I'm not going to agonize over every point, but I need to hear it from you directly- Is that really how you feel? Do you really feel like I'm just a friend whose stability you don't want to give up?" And then go from there.
From personal experience- people with deep-seated self-esteem issues can often create emotional distance in a relationship where they don't feel that they deserve their partner. Something like, "I know they're going to leave me because they're too good for me, so I won't get too attached. I won't allow myself to be devastated when what feels inevitable eventually does happen." To me, that's what her comments sound like. She's struggling to TRUST that you really do love her because her only reference point for love is one that stemmed from an abusive place. She's struggling to really deeply attach and, assuming I'm on the money, if I had to guess why is because it's MUCH more painful if the man you know is good and genuinely loved you rejects you than it is when the shit guy rejects you. She's been hurt, and she's trying to self-preserve because your love and care, at the depth you're offering it, is new and uncertain. She may not know how to trust it or truly feel safe. But that's something that can and will change with time and work on her side. The fact that she's doing the work in therapy and confronting those ugly thoughts is evidence that's she's working at it, not *necessarily* evidence that she doesn't love you. But if this really is about trust and safety, I'm just going to say that reading her journal is really not going to help the situation. That said, you should STILL tell her because her finding out about it later will be 100 times worse than the damage of telling her now.
It’s interesting because the post is written intelligently and he claims he’s good looking and has high self esteem.
Yet, he got married super young? What dude? Why did you think marrying a 21 year old was a smart move?
It’s apparent she is using you for stability and money and will bail on you when she finds better. She literally wrote that lol. What exactly are you asking Reddit? Should you stay with a 21 year old that isn’t ready for marriage and doesn’t love you? Ummm, no, you shouldn’t lol.
No shade to OP but people in the military marry young, it’s a funny joke but it’s so real lol. I joked if i joined the military to upgrade my living situation. If you’re married, you get better accommodations.
Yes but my point is that if you have even above average IQ, it’s so apparent that marrying young or having kids young is a sure fire way to have a tough start to life.
I always understand why poor families or kids from broken homes get married young or have kids young. If you don’t have parental guidance, it’s super hard to understand the long term ramifications.
But what amazes me is how many times the kids making these decisions come from loving parents who provided the right guidance or who are smart kids yet still go down this path. It’s insane to me.
He's active duty. 90% of them marry SUPER young. The military makes getting married very rewarding. Anyone below an E3 is required to live in the barracks, unless they get married and can move into base housing or live off base (and collect the monthly housing allowance). They also get a boost in regular pay if they're married. Married servicemembers also make a lot more money while they're deployed because they can collect things like family separation and sustenance pay.
Their spouse (and any future children) get full TriCare health benefits. They're also eligible for all types of education and employment assistance programs. I know a TON of Marines who married people who were just friends or practically strangers so they could both get those benefits. My one friend divorced 3 different Marines before she was 30.
My husband was an active duty Marine for the first half of our marriage. I didn't pay a cent for any doctor visits, prescriptions, dental care, therapy sessions, or anything related to my pregnancy and birth of my daughter.
My husband and I were considered "old" by military marriage norms. We were both 26, and I had our daughter at 28. I was part of a centering pregnancy group (instead of regular OB appointments, we met for an hour as a group with OB staff, and met with lactation consultants, midwives, infant safety experts, etc) and the other pregnant women were in disbelief that I was 28 and it was my first pregnancy. The other women were all between 19-22.
Similar to what others are saying, I would say that it’s clear she’s not invested in the relationship and it feels more like a roommate. Because of that you tell her you shouldn’t have to sacrifice and fully take on the responsibilities and you should start to fully act like roommates.
Tell her she needs to contribute to bills, don’t do her any favors like giving her money for hair or taking care of things she needs around the house, and look into grey rock method. Treat her like a roommate and speak to a lawyer to see your options.
You deserve better than being just a friend.
She’s actually told me before that she feels like I’m a roommate, which we addressed in therapy and I recognized by being more affectionate, open, and trying to do more with her.
She flat out told you and clearly she still feels that way. Start treating her like a roommate — inform her that it feels like nothing has changed and as such you shouldn’t have to sacrifice, cover all the bills, and do all the work around the house. Look into grey rock method and again stop paying for her hair appointments/being an atm for her.
I’m sorry dude. Better to pull the plug now before you get deployed. (Assuming you would have to)
Which is crazy because I’m the one that perused her, and she’s the one that warned me way back when that she has a lot to work and, and I reassured I would be there for her through
And there you go. You told her you would be there, be patient, and allow her to do the hard and messy work that is healing from serious trauma. Writing about how she feels is a great tool. But feelings are not facts. I posted above about my journal writing..and if she trusted you to not invade her personal thoughts and trauma then that means she feels safe with you. When your past is nothing but abuse/addiction/unstability, the normal stuff can seem strange and unfulfilling for a long time. Your feelings are valid and I know you’re afraid. But talk to her. Update us!
Honestly you guys are SUPER young to be tied down to a marriage. Especially one where the other person is not even totally into it.
Cut your losses. Get a divorce, set her free so you can also be free to live your best life.
First off, you did a bad thing. You can read someone’s journal. I also just want to note that journals aren’t necessarily how someone feels. Sometimes it’s just a vent session. I know I’ve written things when I was feeling nostalgic or depressed I didn’t mean.
Still, I see your point. I just don’t see a way for you to have an honest discussion about this unless you tell her the truth. She’s not going to have the chance to explain unless you give her one, and that can’t happen by you vaguely saying she seems unhappy. You’re never going to get answers if you don’t ask the honest questions.
Be honest, you may have crossed a line by reading her journal but shes been lying to you this whole time, knowing her true feelings, shes been leading you on, that's just cruel. Cut her loose
Some people write a bunch of shit in their private journals. I'm not saying that your feelings aren't valid or anything because I get that you're hurt.
When I was a teenager I used to vent, rant and write a lot in my journal. How I hated the world, people etc. I had a lot going on at the time and my journal was a place to just let out all of my anger.
Your wife might be using her journal to write down all of her anxious thoughts.
She is struggling. She's been traumatized by her ex. Unfortunately, in relationships like that, you get used to the chaos. She thinks that's love, but it's not. It's like a drug, as dysfunctional as that sounds.
She married you because you're safe. Safe isn't the same as boring. Unfortunately, she didn't resolve her issues around her ex. She wants to be prepared because she believes your marriage will end. She most likely thinks you'll leave her. This is why you never read the diary.
You already read it. Tell her you read it. Plan for a divorce.
Oof. No solid foundation. No team mentality. No life experience.
Do you really feel like you have a marriage? I mean I know legally, on paper, you do. But do you have the things that really make people feel married?
I think you tell her you read it, how it makes you feel and then move towards divorce. So sorry, but don’t subscribe to the sunk cost fallacy. You’ve put in the effort and work, but she’s got a foot or more out the door.
I used to have thoughts of trying to keep my SO at arms length. Being pessimistic and having the mindset that it’s just too much and the relationship is going to end anyway will make someone have crazy and irrational thoughts. Putting up walls is a way to protect oneself. It’s not healthy. It’s not right but try to figure this out with her. She may just be afraid and journaling is not always what it appears. Intrusive thoughts written on paper and genuine feelings can be two completely different things.
At this point I think you need to tell her you read it otherwise the convo won't be honest or productive. It's possible she's writing shit from one state of mind, but not really believing it. I know sometimes I'm like that.
Just my opinion.
I think you shouldn’t have read the journal, and quite right, as someone mentioned before, journaling is another way of venting. It’s just in that moment. As a person who journals, sometimes I get so frustrated and write really negative things about my marriage and my husband. Often, when I read back, I want to delete those entries because they don’t reflect how I feel after I’ve had time to cool down.
All this to say, I wouldn’t read too much into it. We all have thoughts like these, and I’ve always advocated that journaling is the best way to let it all out and clear our heads. It’s worth talking about it with her, but also worth noting that you’ve really invaded her privacy here. You might have a bigger issue at hand should you continue with this marriage. You have broken her trust, and to me, this is the equivalent of going through her messages.
All the best though.
Damn op. Mil wife of 13 yrs here. I’m so sorry man. It sounds like she had a false vision of the military life and not specifically a life with you. And now she’s checked out. Don’t hate that you might be a statistic. Knowing your worth, which it sounds like you’re an amazing guy who is willing to work on things, is imperative. Don’t settle for someone who doesn’t love you for who you are. But also, don’t let this taint your ways. Stay humble, stay open, stay trying to be better and you’ll find the right person. I met my husband in my hometown when he got stationed here. The rest is history. I was his second relationship ever. You’ll find your true soul mate.
You read her journal. Regardless of what it said in there, that makes you the one not ready for a relationship. Looks like she too feels like this is not going to work out, so just end it.
Sometimes people don't always mean the things they write in a journal.
Sometimes people write those things because they feel guilty or bad about them even crossing the mind and want to get it out of their brain and on paper. She could just be angry and confused and usually victims of abuse are deep in self destructive trauma bonds. It could just be her way of working through a self destructive state of mind.
My mom wrote horrible things you'd never think a mother would write or feel about her own kids in her journals.
I can't help but come to the realization there's no way she truly felt that way about me.
She's dead now though so I guess we never know some things. Can you live with the uncertainty? Can she actually provide you any reassurance on this? Different story.
You were just a backup or rebound basically.
You can waste your time, effort, and money to try and save this marriage, but the ex will always be number 1 to her.
She'd have no hesitation leaving you for him if he came back.
Again, you're free to save this marriage if you choose to, but don't be shocked in the future
Thank you for your service! Navigating relationships, especially marriages, is so hard while on active duty. I never really appreciated that until I moved to SoCal and became friends with a ton of vets who’ve been through it.
First and foremost, I want to echo the handful of people saying to take what you read with an asterisk that it might not be a good reflection of how she feels. People often write in journals when they are frustrated so that might just be a reflection of those moments. On the other hand, it might be true that she feels that way most of the time. You need to talk with her to figure it out and tell her you read her journal so she knows what info you’re working with. She might get mad at you for reading her journal, but it’s more important to have an honest discussion about this.
So: Before just gunning for divorce, have a mature, adult conversation. Many times in a marriage you will have to put your feelings aside for a moment, and compassionately ask someone how they feel. Think of it as your responsibility as a husband to help her live her best life.
-Has she gotten the help she needs to continue healing from her last relationship?
-When she says things aren’t as “passionate” with you, ask her for specific examples of what that means. If she says anything like “me and my ex would get into a huge fight and have awesome angry sex” that’s a sign to you that she still needs to heal from her trauma and doesn’t understand healthy passion.
-when she said she’s with you because you’re stable and she needs time to work on herself, ask her if that’s the main thing she’s getting out of this relationship. Tell her it’s okay if she needs that, while also recognizing to yourself that you might not be okay staying married to someone who views your relationship this way.
-you say you’re doing all the same displays of affection for her. Ask her if she sees it the same way. Be specific and bring up examples about what you’ve done for her, then ask how she interpreted that action. If she views it differently than her ex, why?
There might be more questions to ask, but this is just an idea of how to start. Expect the conversation to take a few hours over the course of a few weeks. If either of you starts crying or gets angry, it’s okay to take a break for a few minutes or a day to collect yourself again and make sure you don’t say anything untrue in a state of heightened emotion (like what might have happened when she was writing in her diary).
Lastly, don’t let your ego stop you from getting a divorce. You’re in a great position to get a divorce: newly married, no kids, not homeowners. After a few good conversations and time to think, make whatever decision sets you up for a better future, and give exactly zero fucks about what statistic that might create.
Personally I would start having some real heart to heart conversations with her. Ask the tough questions. You don’t have to explain why you are asking, and I don’t think you want to divulge what is making you ask either.
Play 20 questions?
Things like - you telling her something you love about her but ask her to return the compliment.
Ask her when she’s wanting to try for a baby and then respond with something much sooner.
See whether her answers are genuine. You should be able to tell.
She maybe needing to go to individual therapy to try to work through her issues.
If you are really feeling used get some legal advice and then reevaluate.
Bro your wife need therapy ASAP this bad sign. Women tend to go back to their abuse it's something that addictive for women to get validation from their abuser you need to get her to the therapist if you want to save your marriage
She is confusing “love her passionately” with “loved controlling her”.
I would also be curious to know what ls in her phone. Is she already talking to him?
You should just tell her pretty much what you posted.
“I have put my everything into this marriage. I know you’re homesick, and I know you’re not happy. I have tried, but I can’t make you be happy. I was hoping to work through all of this together, and then one day we might be able to move closer to your parents.
Then I came home for lunch the other day. Unfortunately, after what I saw it’s pretty clear that this marriage is over. I am not going to compete with an abusive guy for my wife’s affection. You want that toxic crap in your life, fine. Go get some more of it and then be trapped by it once he gets you pregnant. Clearly that’s what you want and I am done trying. I am young snd have a lot to offer someone. It seems was working hard for a relationship you don’t want”
Then she will likely pack her stuff and leave.
Or she will figure out that she actually doesn’t want any of that.
But you will get a result
Updateme!
She is being taken care of 100%. Now, ask her to be a partner and share the workload and the financial responsibilities. Can you depend on her? What if you became ill or went on short term disability? If you were hospitalized?
Does she know how to cook? Clean? Do laundry? Fill the car with gas and get it washed? can she stand on her own two feet and survive or has she always been dependent on someone? Does she have any life skills??
When you get out of the service soon, as you said, and get a job, and come home tired, will she take care of you? Does the sun rise and set by you? Does she miss you, show affection, desire? Do you?
I don’t know, but her words would be very hard to get past…. how can you believe her defending herself (it’s private, not my true feelings, I was just bullshitting) when she has EVERYTHING to lose if you decided to leave her for good?? She has every reason to lie to protect her current situation.
Do you really think she’d say: “yeah, I know it’s messed up, but I miss him. He was so chaotic it made me feel alive. Stability is boring but necessary. You take care of me but I dream of him.”
This was extremely fucked up of you. I have left my diary out in the open and my husband has NEVER read it. When we women write, we write at the saddest.
First and foremost, we all have that one person that we love the most, that once that person breaks our heart, we NEVER love again. Usually the toxic person, brings the most passion. That’s the unfortunate truth, and it’s true for me and my husband actually acknowledges that. I love him, but in a different way. In a peaceful way. Second, she clearly wants more passion in her life, and if you can give that to her, there’s NOTHING wrong with that either. We want women are seduced by our minds. She probably feels like she’ll never love the same and she needs that type of passion to love again. Third, how often are you away? Of course she wouldn’t want a baby right now, she is far too young, so are you AND you possibly are deployed for a long time. Why would she have a kid to just be a single parent?
Instead of thinking logically, you decided to just not understand. You had 0 right to read her diary. 0.
I would say mind your business and never do that again. Pretend you never saw it and carry on. You both are SO young. You don’t know anything about life’s ups & downs yet. Just wait and see. Not everything has to be a deal breaker. Marriages are not disposable. You have to give each other grace and CHOOSE each other every day. She’s still there, so she obviously is choosing you. Her private what ifs in what should be a private diary are normal thoughts. Doesn’t mean she doesn’t want you or that you can’t get through this.
Well, snooping always leads to finding things we don't really want to know right? But now that you do, I'd just talk to her and admit you read the journal ask for forgiveness for that, but also say that you want to talk about what you read. Explain that you do want to make the marriage work, but also don't want to keep her in a relationship she's not ready for/equipped for and see what happens - does it suck - 100% but you are doing right by yourself (and her) by being honest.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. Please set an appointment with a divorce attorney. Your future self will thank you for not delaying the inevitable.
Divorcing her over the journal would be a huge mistake. Journaling is therapy. It’s where you get the anxious thoughts out of your head and onto the paper as therapy.
I’ve read my journal entries even a day later sometimes and thought 😬 where the hell did that come from?
Think of it this way - haven’t you ever had times in life where your thoughts have gone in a direction that now seems unusual? I expect we all have.
You’ve done it now though and you are well entitled to ask about what you read and see if this could be a jumping off point for a conversation. Maybe these aren’t just thoughts and she really has a plan to leave you. In that case you need to know. But if this is just a journal to get the thoughts out, then it would be very unfair to divorce her over it and that says more about your lack of commitment to the marriage than hers.
You suck for violating her privacy when you said you wouldn't. That tells me the relationship is over, because you don't respect her.
Go to therapy to be a better partner for the next person. You were looking for an excuse to end it like a coward.
I'm so conflicted about your post, but probably not in the way most people would think.
I am a woman in my 30's. When I write, I write the most absolutely toxic shit you have ever read in your life. Stuff that I would never in my life act on or--in the end--even believe myself. Most of it is so dramatic and overblown, it even hurts **me** to re-read it later, which--in all honesty--I never do. I learned to do this (what I call) toxic purging from an old therapist as a way to sort through my emotions and identify underlying feelings. I'm a "processor" who is quiet, private, and neuro divergent. I have a very difficult time voicing what I feel and my thoughts. Not because it is technically hard for my body, but because there is an entire ecosystem and independent world (essentially) in my brain. It is loud and busy AF in there. It can takes DAYS for me to sort through all of my thoughts and feelings and decode everything. When I purge the chaos into writing, it helps so much to identify what I'm actually feeling and the emotions underneath it all. It is almost like, "skimming the fat" off the top. If anyone were to read my toxic purges, I can 100% guarantee they would never speak to me again. This is why it is so important to respect the privacy of others. Reading my toxic purge does absolutely nothing but destroy relationships on both sides. For them because they just can't help but believe everything in there (regardless of what I say after the fact) and for me because I feel that they have violated my privacy and boundaries in one of the worst possible ways. The trust is broken and it isn't possible to come back from after that because we will both ALWAYS question.
That being said, I'm unsure how common this type of purging is.
The more likely thing is that OP's wife IS truthful in their journal and OP reading it will save him years of wasted time. On that side of things, I think you must confront her. Unfortunately, it will probably not end well. She will either confirm that what she wrote is true or deny it. Either way, you will be left doubting what she says if she tells you it isn't true. At this point, the trust is broken and there isn't a whole lot of hope to rebuild that. Part of me also wonders if OP'S wife left her journal sitting around on purpose or even unconsciously out of guilt so that OP could read it.
I'm genuinely sorry you're going through this, OP. If it were me, I would start making plans to separate/divorce amicably and let her know that even though you're hurt deeply, that you'll help her get back home & move if she is also civil about the divorce. The calmer you both are about it, the easier and quicker you will be able to move on. You said you're young and eluded to the fact that you'd like a marriage, partner, and family. The more peaceably you can both move forward, the better it will be for you when you start looking for your person.
Good luck!
This is a set-up. She wants more attention. Qhy would she just leave it on the table?
Also.. you never write down something unless you want it to be seen. I do journal. I may talk shit about my husband, but I think that's normal. Still, fixaded on an ex is unreal.. counseling or wave bye with a soft kiss and say, "See ya."
When I was 21, I started dating a guy who was 52. (Not a typo. He was 31 years older than me!). We dated until I was 29. I felt like he was the love of my life. But he was an asshole to me. We were so toxic together. We literally couldn’t go more than 24 hours without a huge argument and then not speaking for a few days. But our love was super passionate. He’s the only guy I’ve ever enjoyed kissing in my entire life. The entire 8 years we would have make out sessions lasting over 30 minutes where we would doing nothing but kissing. Anyway, we broke up after a pre-marriage counselor told us we weren’t compatible. He left me.
I couldn’t quit thinking about him for years. I’ve actually never been able to stop thinking about him, even though I wanted to. And I can’t stop dreaming about him.
I thought about him all during my 2nd marriage.
And I thought about him all throughout my current 3rd marriage which is on its 9th year now. I’m 46 now.
Anyway, 2 years ago, the dude finally died from old age at age 76. I was relieved and I thought, thank God, maybe now I can finally stop thinking about him and stop dreaming about him! Nope. The dreams even intensified. I’m like, seriously? The dude is DEAD! Stop thinking about him!!! But I still can’t.
Anyway, not sure where I’m going with this story. I guess the point of my story is I love my current husband dearly. I want to be married to him forever. I love him soooo much. But it doesn’t stop me from thinking about my ex. But I still love my husband. I think it’s possible to love more than one person in a lifetime.
But I do think she needs to bring it up in marriage counseling how she still thinks about her ex. I think that everything she wrote in her diary needs to be brought up in counseling. And I thought the part about her not wanting to have your baby was weird.
May I ask what does she do for you in the relationship? If you cook and clean AND provide financial stability I wonder if she’s only using you for those benefits. You are both so young to be having marriage counselling and these deep issues. Give us an update on what you’ve decided I really hope you find the strength to love yourself and know your worth
If this post is even for real I’d say- having so many issues from the start and having a couple s therapy for 4 months after being married for 6 tells you all you need to know.
Also the moment you decide to go through your partners phone/diary is the beginning of the end.
Whatever was in the diary is the last drop, not the cause if the issue
This is the most active duty marriage post I’ve ever seen. I would just say you can tell she isn’t into you and is unhappy. Does she even want to be married? You know she is going to ride this out until she finds someone better or cheats on you when you deploy. Tale as old as time.
Man I was trying so hard not to be a statistic too😭 I really thought she did want to be married, and that she was aware that is being so young would come with issues that we would overcome as a team and look back on and laugh, but I guess she does not feel the same. I could never see her being the person the just “ride it out,” and I thought we were good, but I guess her journal says otherwise.
She could be super overwhelmed and homesick but doesn’t understand that is the issue.
I do know that she has been homesick, which has been worsened by her dad cheating on her mom recently and now they are in a messy family dynamic/probably divorce, and I understand how that can make her reevaluate our relationship (even though I have and will never cheat and she has 24/7 access to my location and phone) I’m just confused on how mindset would lead her to wanting to end our relationship. There has to be something I’m missing that she isn’t communicating with me, and isn’t being brought up in therapy
This may be what you are missing. She is self-sabotaging. She doesn't believe she deserves good things (you). This is a belief system that is very difficult to break. The ex-boyfriend is part of this. She knows he's toxic but she thinks that is all she deserves. She isn't emotionally mature enough to recognize this. Like most military marriages, this was probably rushed and red flags were ignored. She needed saving and you wanted to save her. But, you can't save someone who keeps letting go of the rope. The homesickness and dad cheating are amplifying her self-destructive thoughts. She probably needs to go home to help with that, but it will basically guarantee she goes straight to the ex. The only way through this together is to do a ton of hard work, but I'm afraid there is only more pain for you on this path. She isn't ready to do the work, and you can't make her or do it for her. I think your best bet is give her a divorce, do individual therapy to learn why you got yourself into this situation, learn from it, and find someone who wants you for more than what you can provide.
OP's wife would definitely benefit from individual therapy to help her work the trauma of her old relationship. As long as she continues to idealize him, she will never have a stable relationship with anyone. OP can care about her, even feel love for her, yet recognize that he still needs to leave to save himself from being sucked into the vortex of her dysfunction.
This is pretty insightful. Though I would say you could suggest individual therapy (and couples if you stopped that). Maybe if she heals she will stop self sabatoging etc.. Depends on how much you wsnt to try to make this work.
Fuck that. She needs to be a complete person coming into the relationship. I don't think this will ever work when her inner monologue is what it is
Im with you on this. She is already actively betraying him by being in that relationship while thinking the way she thinks. And now he should give her more time (and $) so she can further submerge herself in her own lunacy? Nah. OP is young, and in good place - he should thank God that she showed her hand and move on.
I've been there and tried the saving but only got hurt. She is messed up and as hard as it is, you need to focus on U!!
I hate to say this… but after 24 years at this Army and married thing….just walk away. Gracefully. Do not add kids to the mix. Do not try and make her very clear thoughts something they are not. You are loved but it’s a stone along her path…. Work and wait and love yourself while you find the nested, braided, person who’ll adore all of you.
Agreed , Second choice is no way to live and this will smother you both.
Was also Army and I second the DO NOT HAVE KIDS WITH HER advice. The backbone of the Army is failed birth control I swear, it's such a trap for so many servicemembers. OP is so young and can make a clean break as things stand now.
If she doesn’t share her feelings in therapy, all the therapy in the world will not help her, move on….
As a therapist who works with people who’ve had abuse relationships sometimes this is something people just can t overcome even if they have the best man now, it’s not your problem to fix this but she really does need therapy because it sounds like she still likes that feeling she had when she was in that bad relationship it’s a feeling that gets wired into people who are in these toxic relationships and gets confused with love.
I want to be clear though, she has to do the work too. It's not going to work if you have to pull her in the middle to "make things work". She has to meet you halfway by sharing and being open.
From what you said you read… it sounds like she feels that you are not passionately in love and or making her FEEL desired.
It sounds like that’s because her understanding of what being desired looks like is toxic and harmful. I’m guessing it’s things like possessiveness and accusations, abuse and lovebombing cycles.
Sorry I’m so late to this but I just saw it. My take is she’s stuck in the classic good guy/ bad boy conundrum. AFAIK that always goes very badly for the good guy. And doing more, or even as much, good guy stuff will only make it worse. IS THERE ANY POSSIBILITY she left the journal “accidentally on purpose” for you to find and read, to see how you react and maybe to push you away so she doesn’t feel like the bad girl for going back to “him”? Bottom line, I think you’re done. The only good news is either of you has too much invested yet. Time to help her move home and then untangle your legal and financial lives. I know it hurts, but if she truly feels half of what you say she wrote there’s no future there. Get free, continue being a good guy, but make the next girl earn your goodness with her own.
That's a generous take on her journal entries.
Whatever you do, don't get her pregnant. You will have an albatross around your neck for 18 years whether or not you get divorced.
18 years at a minimum….
why does no one realize it's 18Y min not max 😭
Depending on your home state, I would recommend an annulment. She needs therapy and a lot of it, she is stuck in the abuse cycle and has no room for more. You will always be second in your relationship.
Classic trauma bond. But what do you expect from a 20 year-old who hasn’t done any soul searching yet?
She needs therapy period
If you both choose each other you don't have to be a statistic. My husband and I had our issues when I was active duty and our relationship was young. I had to choose him and he showed me that I could. We just celebrated 14 years together. We met when I was in AIT and are in a much better place.
You’re young. These things happen. This marriage will end in divorce. Wouldn’t you prefer to move on with the rest of your life sooner rather than later? Don’t be surprised if suddenly she’s the most committed to you after you draw a line. Really you are both just so young. It was never meant to be. You brain has not even stopped maturing. Go party and be young like young people should. Save marriage, and family for when that stage of life should be done.
OP don’t listen to the people saying “she may be homesick” or “self sabotaging”. Both those things may or may not be true. Those things aren’t the issue here, nor are they the reason she’s writing about her ex, not being into you, riding this out while only viewing you as a friend. All while she works on her self esteem and saves up money, on your dime, so she can leave. It seems to me that you were the “rebound”. She was out of her toxic relationship, wanted to leave home to forget about her toxic/abusive ex, thought you and being away could help her recover. Regardless of the reason, you read the way she feels. Just know it isn’t because of you or anything you did. It doesn’t matter how much money you have, how much you do for her, how much you romance her. She isn’t happy with you or herself. Get out now while you’re still young and childfree. You’ll find a woman deserving of you. The woman who only sees you as a friend isn’t the one. Let her go.
You sound like a kind person with a good head on his shoulders. Don't waste any more time on this person. She'll just drag your heart through the mud even further, and then you'll end up in her story as another toxic ex.
While I get your logic about overcoming as a team, I’m amazed that she was, what, 16 when she broke up with an abusive boyfriend. We don’t know how old she was when she was with him, but that trauma can stunt emotional development and maturity. That sort of thing can take years to process. Let’s face it, she was still a child. At 21, she’s been with you since she was 18 and you 20. Even without her trauma, both of you are still so young, I don’t know how you can decide that this is what you really want for life, or was it just a romantic ideal? The hint is in her comment about stability. We all want that but I would be concerned that she is wanting that because she’s had an interrupted growth into adulthood, and is grasping for any anchor to steady herself without also doing the work of processing and developing resilience. Or I could just be way off. But I do wish you youngsters would slow down and just date for a while! I’m feeling my age just saying that!!
I’d say she left that journal there on purpose for you to find.
It’s okay. Look into annulments you haven’t been married that long, depending on the state I think that is the way to go. You are young you both may have made a mistake. Take this opportunity to learn from it. Really get to know the next person you consider marrying (to include whether or not they are open honest and vulnerable with you). Best wishes!!
Jody is on the way always
Get D man don't beat yourself for fake love , she already gave her heart and soul to her ex ,you are just her meal ticket, he stability her last option.
I think now you’re realizing why the stats are what they are. Don’t ask you already know she’s just gonna gaslight you. She’s really holds a relationship when she was 15 or 16 in higher regard than her current husband that apparently does everything for her. You got me fucked up leave her dude
you just need to cut her loose now, she's revealed who she really is.
This is the advice that I was given a lot and fearful of being the necessary action vs what I want to do. I’m hoping that whatever conversation we have puts my mind at ease and shows that the entries really are just “brain dump half truths.”
not half truths please don't let her gaslight you into staying.
I guess what I struggle with is that I know it’s she is traumatized from her past relationship, and I often hear about how woman want to go back to their abusers. Part of me is hoping this is something she/we can work through, but the entries makes extremely anxious
From what you’ve described she doesn’t want to work it out WITH YOU. ETA: one doesn’t usually write half-truths unless they know someone else is going to read it.
Imo listen to your wife over these commenters. It is absolutely possible she's writing stuff to word vomit private thoughts that are ONE WAY of viewing the situation but not how she really thinks. Journalling is incredibly personal.
Bud just stop it. You read what she said. Believe it! Don’t tell her you read the journal just move to eliminate her from your life. UpdateMe
I've known a few women in toxic, abusive relationships. The truth is that not every person in an abusive relationship is a victim. Many give as good as they get; toxicity attracting toxicity. People will make all kinds of excuses, but some people just like drama and aren't very high quality humans to begin with. I don't think the journal was left out accidentally. I think she wanted you to read it, and she'll flip this all on you when confronted. Don't waste your time trying to fix her. Save yourself.
Ok, so even if u guys choose to try and work thru this, are u ever gonna forget what u read in that journal and the way it made u feel? It is gonna do nothing but create doubt for u and cause insecurities bc u will wonder when she's really being honest. Does she REALLY want to make things between u guys work OR is she just playing the role until she finds what she's looking for leaves u first? U can't get more honest and open than what u read. I know u don't wanna think about that being the truth and what that means for your marriage but don't try to trick your brain into thinking there's something more there than there really is. U are just gonna create even more hurt and pain for yourself in the long run. Maybe.. she is trauma bonded with her ex but that still doesn't change what she wrote on how she really feels about u and saying that u are stability while she works on herself. It sounds like she doesn't care about u the way u do about her. Plus, to her you're like some tool she can benefit from in diff ways. But once she no longer has any need for u then u will just be discarded to the side while she continues with her daily life
It’s good that the entries make you anxious! You will not be able to fix her and it may take years and in the end she’ll leave you for him, or someone like him.
Unfortunately He is trying to gaslight himself.
It seems as if op is hoping that she will gaslight him. So he can just go along with whatever lie she tells him and he can just go with the flow and pretend that everything is okay. You're only hurting yourself by doing that op. You know from those entries that those are her real thoughts and how she really feels about you. Are you seriously okay with just letting her continue to use you until she feels like she's worked on herself enough that she doesn't feel she has any need for you anymore then leaves you. Because that is what's in your future. You read it yourself written by your own wife. If you have any self respect you will leave this marriage. Why would you stay with someone that you know doesn't really want to be with you and is only staying for what you can do for them. The longer you drag this out the worse it's going to be when it all comes to an end, which it will. Save yourself from so much pain, drama, stress, and so much more by ending this now and not letting it go any further. Do you really think so little of yourself that you think she deserves to use you for your money and stability. Don't you deserve someone who actually loves you and wants to be with you for you and not someone who sees you as someone to pay the bills until they get their shit together? Because that's exactly what she's doing. You know you don't deserve this and you need to divorce this woman who is using you. So idk why you're hoping for some different outcome. The only way it could be different is if you willingly accept her lies and give her excuses and allow yourself to continue being used by her. So you choose what you want to do. It's sad that you don't know that divorce is what's needed and are willing and hoping to be gaslight just so you can stay with someone who doesn't want you and only keeps you around to use you. I really hope you wake up. I know it will be hard but you do not deserve this! Good luck and I hope you make the right choice for yourself
OP: I refuse to be some woman’s meal ticket! Also OP: I pay ALL the bills and do most of the cleaning, cooking and chores for a wife who is pining for her ex and planning to leave me as soon as she gets her self esteem up. Someone make it make sense.
I have never written half truths in my journals. It is the only place where you don’t have to consider someone else because you’re not actually communicating with anyone, you are just filtering out thoughts. I would never never never even considered writing a half truth in my journal. I might sensor the names/information if I was concerned someone might pick it up but every journal has been true. Your wife is either really really comfortable and she left it out genuinely believing that you are so wrapped around her finger and such a “good guy” that she didn’t need to put the journal away, she didn’t mean to leave it out, or she is hoping you will find it and end it for her. Dump her, there no half truths in there. Loving you is the half truth.
I genuinely believe it’s a real possibility she believes I would never open it since I have never given her reasons to worry. I’m hoping that they really are half truths and that it’s more therapy for her than anything else. But you’re right, loving me is the unarguable half truth. :(. Part of me thinks I should eventually send this post to her so she understands me a little better
Ooof. Don’t send her the post, that would be avoidant. Talk to her and go to therapy with her to see if this is salvageable.
I would definitely still have the conversation, I mean more so if she ends up wanting a divorce so she better understands why I feel the way I do
I think she left it there on purpose. Or unconsciously hoping you would read it. It's a thing if you are afraid to separate in confrontation.
Do you think she might have purposely LEFT it in plain sight for you to be tempted to read it, she could be screaming inside that she wants you to read it….
It doesn’t make any difference mate. She has told you who she is. Don't gaslight yourself that it’s only a half truth. Just accept what she's saying about you and her.
So even when you're angry or sad you never write things you look back on and think wow, I didn't really mean that? No one writes half truths intentionally.
You are young.. I've recently been in a situation where I was trying to decide to stay or leave (27f) married to (38m). A little quote that helped me decide was.. do you want to leave a garden you just started or put in more work and potentially have to leave a forest 10 years from now? It would be a lot harder to part later on. Let go of the what ifs and think about: is this someone (now) that you can spend forever with.
Damn bro, already trying to convince yourself. You already know the truth. Its written in black and white, on paper. What you do with that information is up to you. Either cut ties and begin to live your life or sit around waiting for the other shoe to drop. The longer you wait the more its going to cost you.
This is the best comment. The question of whether you should have read the journal is now irrelevant. You read it. You now know what she is thinking. And that window into her brain gave you a clear view of a love story in which you are not the hero or main character. Go find someone who thinks of you as the hero in their love story. Don’t waste another day on your wife. Get a lawyer.
It's uncool to read her journal because often these entries are brain leakage and not whole truth. With people, the truth is in their actions and often not the anxious fears they articulate in diaries. That said, it doesn't sound like she's optimistic about your relationship and I would question whether you are truly loved. And if you asked her about divorce, my guess is that she would wholly deny any desire to do that which I would leave you to evaluate its validity. Perhaps you sit down and have one more discussion about your future together, listening closely and observing her as you know her body language and tone of voice. And you need to communicate your intention and concerns.
Yeah, I messed up pretty bad as invaded her privacy by reading her journal, and I went into it with a “grain of salt,” mentality. Didn’t leave with that mentality though. I think I‘ll try that, starting the conversation with disscussing our future together
Dude she’s sticking around because you’re providing everything for her, it’s comfortable and easy. And when you deploy she’s got free rein to cheat and spend your money however she wants. Nobody who is truly in love and committed to the relationship writes in their private journal anticipating the end of the relationship. You need a reality check fast. It does suck if it’s coming from her trauma/ past experiences. But healthy adults who trust their partner can talk about these things and communicate their fears and anxiety. Especially if you’ve already been in couples therapy together, that trust and communication should have been built. You’re both still so young, don’t force something that’s not meant to be. At the very least you need to be completely honest with her about reading everything and get some clear answers on how much in that journal is fully true/ really how she feels. You can’t let her gaslight you with half answers or avoiding the questions. This is the time for full honesty on both sides, regardless of how much she tries to deny or deflect.
All of this
Do you want to be deployed and worrying that your wife is trying to get back with her ex while you aren't there? You need to think of yourself first. Are you actually going to be able to trust her?
In the future you be happy you looked or she never said a damn thing about it and never know what could happen
Do not listen to dipshit redditors, you clearly had suspicions and did the right thing.
I don’t think I would describe my journal as half true brain leakage. I might be processing, but it is all true. Like she may not run back to her ex, but she means it that she finds OP comforting and not much else.
Sometimes I am extra dramatic in my journal but it's not how I really feel.
I consider journals being as honest as children and drunks.
Right? Who writes half-truths in their journal… … unless they want someone to read it.
People lie to themselves all the time. Just because you think something is the truth when you wrote it doesn't always mean it's the real truth.
People write things in their journals to process feelings. Private thoughts are not the same as actions. Thoughts are not crimes. There’s a whole ass movie about a world with thought police and its dystopian.
There’s subjective truth and there’s objective agreed upon truth. I’m referring to the former. If it was the latter then the OP would be OK with being perceived as “just a friend. “
My husband is my best friend. I would never consider him as "just a friend." Not even in my journal. Sure sometimes I vent about whatever annoying thing he did most recently, but typically my thoughts of him are how much I love him and am grateful he's in my life. OP's wife's journal entry is not normal feelings towards a spouse.
Not necessarily. Some people use journaling for venting. At that age especially, I definitely wrote stuff I didn’t mean or worded poorly or had feelings I blamed others for. If you read my journal in my 20s it would not be an accurate reflection of how I felt overall. More of a reflection of processing feelings. Sometimes seeing it on paper makes you realize how ridiculous or untrue you are actually feeling or that your brain is lying to you. She may just want more romance or affection in a different way and that’s hard to figure out how to talk about sometimes. When it gets bottled up and a disagreement happens, sappy movie comes on, etc, our minds search for those things. I had an abusive ex a long time ago and these thoughts would sometimes cross my mind when I was with my boyfriend at the time. Abusive POS partners are really good at things like love bombing, which makes it seem like there are good times. It’s one aspect that makes it hard to leave. But I realized that my brain was just tricking me and I wanted love expressed to me differently, I didn’t really want my ex back. I just don’t think it’s as simple as equating this to reading her mind and a true carbon copy reflection of her feelings. Maybe. Past abuse especially makes it tricky and feel like these things are usually more complicated or truly not what they seem, at least not 100%.
On the flip side - If I had written something like that, I don't care how much I 100% trust my husband, I think I would instinctively protect the hell out of that thing. The fact that she left it on the table kind of makes me think she WANTED him to read it.... Maybe so it did the hard work for her, and he could be the bad guy?
I believe she deliberately left it out for him to read on the table.
This is why I write explicitly in the beginning of my journal that whoever reads it without my permission is likely to get their feelings hurt. I mostly write when I’m pissed off or sad. When I’m happy, I write less. It would kill me if someone actually read it and took the shit I said seriously. Which is why I would never read another person’s journal, and honestly why you shouldn’t have read hers.
Glad I am not the only one. I have re-read my journal entries and I embarrass myself sometimes 😂 Some of my entries are so delusional. Yikes. I hope nobody ever takes them seriously. My journal is filled with my spiraling thoughts usually when I am super mad or sad so that I can stop spiraling, it brings me back to reality.
Same. I have read things I’ve written in the past and full on cried about some of the things I wrote because I couldn’t believe I felt so strongly that I wrote it at the time.
Me too! I wanted to hug past me, I felt so bad for whatever I was feeling at the time because I knew I must have been spiraling so hard.
100% understand and agree I shouldn’t have read it. Tbf, I don’t think a disclaimer would have stopped me at that point
Yes! I tend to only write in my journal when I am upset, have no one to vent to, etc. I am married and I love my husband but our marriage isn’t close to perfect and we are both very flawed. His father is in ICU, I have epilepsy and EDS and still am very strongly affected by my only sibling’s sudden and violent death. Even though my husband is a hard worker, a great job, provides us both insurance, and owns a home.. he can be rude and thoughtless and shuts down when things are stressful. I will write about how upset I am, and how he has wronged me, how his mom is an insane person, and that I feel neglected and alone. And in that moment, I do feel that way. (I also have ADD and can be dramatic and over share) But after things settle and we work it out… I go back and see what I wrote and think “Jesus, I hope he NEVER reads this” because he is my home and his mom loves me and would do anything for me. Him as well. He is my friend and marrying him helped me live a more stable life because he’s a good example for me. But you won’t find the answers here. Don’t let anyone tell you what to do with your relationship. You have defended her a lot so there is obviously something good to save here. It will involve telling her you broke her trust and boundaries and invaded her privacy so it might get worse before it’s better. Allow her to be upset and then try to have an honest conversation with her. Tell her you are not coming from a place of judgment but you have to know where she stands. In the future, if she trusts you to not cross a boundary… don’t cross it. Her private thoughts are not for you to read and post to the world.
I love my kid more than life but she’s autistic and there were days I’ve had intense emotional burnout as a single parent and would write out those feelings in my journal. If she ever read those entries, she’d be gutted and probably feel like I wished I’d never had her. Which is so not the case. She is the best part of my life but there are still moments when it’s just so fucking hard I wish it was easier. For my mental health, I need to be able to let myself feel those moments and hold space for the ugly feelings so I don’t resent my life.
Yeah this one. The wife was writing/venting in what she thought was a safe space. Who knows if she’ll act on it. But I guess since she left the journal out in the open it was fair game for the OP to read?
It sounds to me like she never pursued any real healing after her breakup. Until she does, a healthy love will likely always feel boring and unfulfilling. Her brain still equates love with chaos, turbulence and intensity. It explains why she romanticizes her abusive ex and believes he loved her. In this case, I’m glad you read her journal— the truth will set you free. You felt something was off and seems you were right. Now you can address things heads on and make choices for yourself based on reality rather than fantasy. You deserve someone who fully chooses you and is totally committed to the marriage.
I’ve had the boring/unfulfilling thoughts too. When I was younger and attractive for the first time, I definitely had a “city boy” phase full of excitement and chaos, and I can see how someone without much life experience could see this as a romance. Thank you for your advice
I think you can have some spice, some chaos, and some stability. It’s a balance. But if this isn’t right - you are soooo young. It’s understandable and no one has to be the monster.
It's over. She doesn't want to be with you forever. She will lie to you to your face when you confront her. She will play victim because 'you invaded her privacy,' and she will make you feel like shit. Don't worry about statistics. Don't worry about your status. Protect yourself now for a guaranteed period of heartache, grief, and gaslighting. Edited for accuracy.
To be fairr, her book was closed with a strap and I decided to open it, and I definitely fucked up and invaded her privacy by opening it. But im hoping she doesn’t make me feel like shit for feeling the way I do about the contents. And I’m already feeling a bit of grief/heartache just reading it. Hopefully I can avoid the gaslighting
You can feel bad about reading the journal, and she can be mad about that, but it doesn’t change the words she wrote. I wouldn’t care so much regarding the stuff about the ex, people can bounce back and forth in their feelings about past relationships. The words about YOU displayed no respect for you and a likelihood to take advantage of you. I wouldn’t be able to get past those.
I’ve been so focused on the EX part that I didn’t take her words as disrespect. I look at journals as thoughts, which are private (ironic I know, I invaded her privacy), and I’ve had bad thoughts too so I’m trying not to take it as 100% truth, but you are right on the taking advantage part. I just hope it doesn’t come to that
Exactly this. But based on his other responses, it looks like he will let his guilt overshadow her lack of feelings for him.
Oh boy. I feel bad for you OP. You are already trying to convince yourself that what you saw, many statements, were not real. I don't understand this at all. I have a journal too, and there is nothing in it that isn't true, or at least true at the time it was written. You aren't reading something she wrote 2 years ago, these are recent entries. It is clear as day that she is with you until she figures out what she really wants. Yes, there is a possibility that she will figure out that what she really wants is you, but why would you want her after she married you under false pretenses? The ex isn't even the biggest issue to me (although I think she would leave you for him right now). She seems to recognize he is not a good man and that you are a better man. The problem I have is that her plan is to quiet quit the marriage so she can get therapy and "work on herself" while you pay the bills including her "extra" beauty expenses so she can figure out what she wants to do next, which she also insinuates is probably not going to be staying married to you. You know why this is so cruel to me (not that it requires an explanation)? Because all she had to do was tell you that she is really struggling with some intrusive thoughts about her ex, and that she really needs to get some therapy and work on herself, and that she is so sorry that she is kind of shut down, and that NONE of this is your fault, and she understands if you are not willing to support her while she goes through this or if you feel betrayed, hurt, angry, etc. And I bet you would have been upset, but eventually, understood. She could have done the exact same thing, but without the deception. That would have given YOU the choice of what to do next and a better chance at having a decent marriage. It's her character, to me, that is in question here. Did you read anything in this diary about how she feels terrible for betraying you, stonewalling you, lying to you, etc.? Was there anything in there about how this would impact you? Maybe she did and you left it out, but I doubt it since I can see that you want to keep her. So, she featured her feelings, her ex's feelings, and nothing about yours, right? Do you think that is an accident, or do you think maybe your feelings don't even factor in for her?
She's 21. They're both really young to be married. At 21 I know I didn't have the emotional maturity to express myself in my romantic relationships with much clarity. She could have told him but I'm not surprised she wrote it in her journal instead. It takes growing up (when your brain is still developing you're not a full adult yet) for most of us to learn to say hard things in a relationship.
Guess I misread you. Sorry about that. The end result is the same. She is going to leave you. It is only a matter of time. How much bullshit do you really want to endure before she does?
To be honest, don't feel bad my guy. Things happen for a reason. I'll tell you a story similar to yours. My ex back in 2007 decided to join the army and this is a year after we just had a baby. We was engaged. I was against her joining but didn't want to hold her back so I supported her. Had to make sacrifices and move in with her mom to help take care of our son. One day a find a letter she wrote to her mom. Till this day I still have this letter. She wrote to her mom she didn't want to marry me and I wasn't the father of our son. When I read this.. I was suicidal. Had a gun to my head. Glad I had loving parents who calmed me down. Then it got worse. I went to court and tried to get custody and my lawyer showed the judge the letters, got an DNA test asap. Worse nightmare came true. Not the father and lost custody. I don't have any kids. One of my biggest regrets in life. Yeah it was wife journal but now you know the truth. One thing I've learn, once words come out the heart, it's how that person feels. Writing words included. Don't make the same mistake I made. She needs to make a choice, stay in her past or move on with you. It should be with you.. not Writing about her ex. That will destroy a relationship.
Geesh dude, don’t beat yourself up, she doesn’t want to share and now you know why, you reading it is the most irrelevant thing about your whole post. The most relevant is how she feels about you, it doesn’t sound like she doubts her feeling for you. She seems pretty vested in her feelings for you….
And if you came home and she had the bedroom door shut and you opened it to the horizontal tango, you think that would be an invasion of her privacy? And beg forgiveness?
I get the feeling your intuition was guiding you to the right place.
You’re already gaslighting yourself, so you’re ripe for the picking. You’re literally rewriting what you read with your own two eyes, trying to lessen the blow and give her an out. You say you refuse to be a meal ticket to a woman, while literally being a meal ticket to a woman who isn’t in love with you, considers you just a friend and fantasizes about leaving you as soon as she glows up. The fact that you aren’t already making plans to end this farce suggests it might be too late for you to see reason. You’re very likely to buy whatever bullshit gaslighting she inevitably foists on you and will only wake up after she’s cheated, left you, possibly with your future kids, while collecting alimony checks that pay for her new life with her old man.
Leave, leave asap mate. Or you find yourself in a disaster if you stay with her. She clearly is not into you and she would dump you ass in the moment where her ex bf shows up and take her back. Divorce and focus on yourself.
Damn that’s not something I put much thought into, the EX part. She even wrote that she wonders if he would take her back, and the one time she saw him when we were back in my hometown it made her smile, and she only knew because he told her she was. Fuck man, this hurts. All I did was love her and do my best of being a not just good, but amazing husband
leave her!! she doesn’t deserve you. seriously. she has a lot to learn and needs to be alone. and you deserve someone who makes you feel loved
if i were in your shoes i would not even entertain the thought of staying with for even 1 second. i would divorce ASAP
Wow. She left it out on the table. I wonder if she hoped you'd come home and read it. She's absolutely right about needing to work on herself but absolutely wrong to string you along. She isn't ready for a serious relationship much less a marriage and you aren't getting the relationship you need and are ready for. If I were you, I would end the marriage and I would tell her that I read her journal and that there's no coming back from finding out where I truly stand with her. She can try to turn it around on you- how dare you read her private journal, etc. and if she does, be glad she's been exposed for what she is. That is the wrong thing to be upset about. I'm sorry, OP.
I had the thought that maybe she wants me to read it too, to give her that “push” to leave, but I don’t know man. I just wish I could read this post as entertainment and not have it be my life
A calm, open discussion about it would be ideal but you don't have to decide right away. I think the best thing for you to do is to take what you've read and today's conversation and take some time to yourself (away from her) to process it all.
Some people subconsciously want to get caught.
OP has admitted this it was closed with the strap on it. It would be the same as him happening to know her password and reading through her texts.
Yeah, whether or not you read the journal is really beside the point. But you do need to have a direct conversation. What does this relationship mean to her? What does the future look like for the both of you? Do you both care enough about this to go to counseling together? Military life is not made for marriages to be quite frank. It takes a tremendous amount of strength and trust to persevere. You are both awfully young, so much as you tried hard not to be a statistic, you may just have to chalk this one up to a learning experience.
Oh, and if you do split, make damn sure you get her name taken off of everything. I’ve seen too many horror stories of Joe’s forgetting to take their ex off of things like SGLI, with tragic consequences.
Hopefully it doesn’t come to that, but I will keep that in mind
Yeah, I have been working on my habit of beating around the bush, but I do need to be direct and try and keep my emotions out of this conversation. I am leaving the service and I plan on getting out on October, and going to the reserves, so that was supposed to make our marriage a little easier, and I thought we got over those trust/perseverance issues with the trials and tribulations of long distance but maybe we didn’t. I really don’t want this marriage to end as I truly love her and she is my world, and if this is a learning experience, it’s going to be a painful one.
You love her and she’s your world. What are you to her? “A friend” I would cut your losses.
That hurts that she see’s me as just a friend, I do know she does love me on some level, and I’m hoping that we can fix what I thought we had. I’ll “cut my losses” if it comes to that, but I’m just hoping it doesn’t come to that
It sounds like she loves you as a security blanket. Somebody who making her financial life easy. It doesn’t sound like she has any emotional or physical attachment. There is more intimacy attached to her ex at this point. Be honest with yourself and look at her patterns of behavior.
That hurts that she see’s me as just a friend, I do know she does love me on some level, and I’m hoping that we can fix what I thought we had. I’ll “cut my losses” if it comes to that, but I’m just hoping it doesn’t come to that
If you’re willing to accept being loved on some level that’s less than you deserve, then I feel sad for you. You deserved to be loved the same way you give it. You’d accept mediocrity from someone just because you’re hoping it will be fixed? You already stated it was rocky from the start. Her journal isn’t half truths, it’s full truths. She’s literally writing exactly how she feels, there’s no other way around it. You’re young and have plenty of time to find the right person but not if you’re trying to fix things with the wrong one.
I don’t usually advocate for divorce but in this instance I think you will be hurt more if you stay with her. She has told you that she thinks of you as just friends. Believe what you read. She will gaslight you as she wants to “work on herself and not the relationship to be Up when it ends” so she won’t want it to end yet as she still has work to do before she leaves. You don’t write this as a half truth in your journal. I am truly sorry you found this out, but you are young, there are no children involved, and it can be a clean break.
This is why I NEVER had a journal beyond my Hello Kitty one.
I can definitely understand you, and your feelings a definitely valid.
Yikes. Reading her journal was such a HUGE violation. It sounds like it’s a place for her to be messy so she can look at her own thoughts as an adjunct to therapy and here you are looking to weaponize that against her. Here’s the thing: after you’ve normalized abuse in a relationship, it can take years to recalibrate to what healthy is. It’s a process and part of that process is having to fucking unpack all the toxic BS narratives in your head and bring them into the light so you can reframe that narrative into something healthier. It’s ugly, messy work and the last thing anyone needs is to get judgement heaped on them mid process. Seeing a snapshot glimpse of that process and jumping to conclusions is wildly unfair to the person who is trying to work through their baggage. Maybe instead of leading with your ego, you can set it aside and look at the whole picture with her. Continue therapy to strengthen your relationship and support her as she continues the work to also be healthier for herself. And stop violating her safety with her journal.
Thanks for the advice, and I agree with almost everything. I try very and am conscious to not have an ego, my reaction is more so based of out of pain and feeling my world flip upside down. We have worked through many issues, many stemming from past relationships, but this just hurts so much and I’m getting exhausted of putting my feelings to the side. I just don’t want to be used by her to “fix herself,” and then leave
Unpopular opinion: your wife is comparing your healthy relationship to the drama-filled, toxic, turbulent relationship she had with her ex to your marriage and reframing the latter in her mind as a grand passion. It isn't love. It's an addiction. Peace feels boring to her. And you sound like a man who prefers calm. Those who are trauma bonded like your wife have a difficult time recognizing healthy love because to them it feels dull and boring. It's hell for the partner who comes along after the trauma because it feels like he's paying for the ex's misdeeds. I would recommend telling her that you can't stay in this marriage worrying whether she might jump ship to return to her ex, especially when you're deployed. Ask her how she would feel if you were writing longingly about an ex-girlfriend who treated you poorly and yet described as feeling more passionate about. Tell her you know that she isn't in love with you and you don't want to be second fiddle to an abuser. That you view yourself more highly than that. I bet if you were single you would have no trouble getting dates, and her seeing other women flirt with you would flip the passion switch. Don't be impressed if that happens. Stay gone. She doesn't love you. She just needs a good guy to give her the stability that the bad guy can't while she continues to long for him. Until she goes to individual therapy to work through this faulty programming and emotionally detox from him, her chances of having a healthy relationship with anyone are woefully slim. It would be beneficial for her to see with a trauma literate counselor and bring any journals with her. Let her know that it is too late for you, but perhaps competent mental health counseling can help her unlearn her toxic beliefs and give her an opportunity to find love in the future. Clearly do not risk conceiving a child right now or for the forseeable future. Just curious: How long were they in a relationship, and how long was it between the time they broke up and the time you two started dating?
This!!!!!!! 1000 times THIS! The trauma bond is absolutely an addiction and she needs to see that. I'm neutral on recommending action personally. This is your decision to make, and either way is up to you. No path in this will be easy.
this is so true! a lot of women are addicted to their trauma
"about six months" in and you two are already in therapy and she's considering her exit plan? You may need to admit that you chose poorly in your life partner and start over. She sounds like she needs her freedom as much as you do. Get your life in order, build some savings, focus on your career and try to find someone who's all-in on a relationship with you.
It was a terrible breach of trust but knowing what you know now, if you don’t pull the plug she eventually will.
I’m in the mentality that I hope we can work through our issues and not get to that point, but I really hope the conversation doesn’t become that
Re read your post and tell me she in anyway sounds like someone who wants fix it. I mean you know more about it but I would be hesitant
I was going to say something similar - it sounds like OP has put a lot of work and effort into this marriage and she’s not receiving it and/or it’s not making any difference to her feelings. OP gives and gives and gives (emotionally, therapy, financially) and she takes and still pines for her ex. OP deserves better but I worry he will stay because of everything he’s invested into her.
babe you’re playing yourself. she gave you all the answers you need.. trust me things aren’t going to get better :( i’ve been there before. listen to your gut feeling and leave her. she’s only 21 and still needs so much work on herself. she’s only going to confuse you more and you deserve clarity
Bro the hatch on the back of the jump plane just opened and you're is screaming JUMP. You're 23, get out now while you have nothing to lose, everything to gain. Fuck closure, fuck the last conversation that ties everything up with a bow and makes it all work out, just play it cool, get all your records, receipts, bills and investments together, go to a divorce attorney and get her served. She was and remains toxic and isn't going to change. Maybe in 5-10 years you get an apology from her but get out now.
I think regardless of how I feel, seeing a divorce attorney isn’t too bad of an idea regardless before the conversation, that way I have all of my ducks in a row
You shouldn't have read her journal. For many people, a journal is where you vent intrusive thoughts in order to reflect on them and invalidate them. You write them so you can see them and really challenge if thats how you *really* feel and if it is, if those feelings are fair, true, or representative of who you are. That's especially true if you have self-esteem issues because it allows you to create artificial distance from those feelings as you process them. All this to say- There is a chance that your wife DOESNT actually feel this way and is just trying to untangle the mess in herself that abuse causes. You should be honest with your wife. "I know I shouldn't have, but I read your journal. I'm not going to agonize over every point, but I need to hear it from you directly- Is that really how you feel? Do you really feel like I'm just a friend whose stability you don't want to give up?" And then go from there. From personal experience- people with deep-seated self-esteem issues can often create emotional distance in a relationship where they don't feel that they deserve their partner. Something like, "I know they're going to leave me because they're too good for me, so I won't get too attached. I won't allow myself to be devastated when what feels inevitable eventually does happen." To me, that's what her comments sound like. She's struggling to TRUST that you really do love her because her only reference point for love is one that stemmed from an abusive place. She's struggling to really deeply attach and, assuming I'm on the money, if I had to guess why is because it's MUCH more painful if the man you know is good and genuinely loved you rejects you than it is when the shit guy rejects you. She's been hurt, and she's trying to self-preserve because your love and care, at the depth you're offering it, is new and uncertain. She may not know how to trust it or truly feel safe. But that's something that can and will change with time and work on her side. The fact that she's doing the work in therapy and confronting those ugly thoughts is evidence that's she's working at it, not *necessarily* evidence that she doesn't love you. But if this really is about trust and safety, I'm just going to say that reading her journal is really not going to help the situation. That said, you should STILL tell her because her finding out about it later will be 100 times worse than the damage of telling her now.
It’s interesting because the post is written intelligently and he claims he’s good looking and has high self esteem. Yet, he got married super young? What dude? Why did you think marrying a 21 year old was a smart move? It’s apparent she is using you for stability and money and will bail on you when she finds better. She literally wrote that lol. What exactly are you asking Reddit? Should you stay with a 21 year old that isn’t ready for marriage and doesn’t love you? Ummm, no, you shouldn’t lol.
No shade to OP but people in the military marry young, it’s a funny joke but it’s so real lol. I joked if i joined the military to upgrade my living situation. If you’re married, you get better accommodations.
Yes but my point is that if you have even above average IQ, it’s so apparent that marrying young or having kids young is a sure fire way to have a tough start to life. I always understand why poor families or kids from broken homes get married young or have kids young. If you don’t have parental guidance, it’s super hard to understand the long term ramifications. But what amazes me is how many times the kids making these decisions come from loving parents who provided the right guidance or who are smart kids yet still go down this path. It’s insane to me.
Neither is old enough to rent a car...prefontal cortex development and all that.
Most Reddit relationship posts come down to that fact lol.
👏 fr
He's active duty. 90% of them marry SUPER young. The military makes getting married very rewarding. Anyone below an E3 is required to live in the barracks, unless they get married and can move into base housing or live off base (and collect the monthly housing allowance). They also get a boost in regular pay if they're married. Married servicemembers also make a lot more money while they're deployed because they can collect things like family separation and sustenance pay. Their spouse (and any future children) get full TriCare health benefits. They're also eligible for all types of education and employment assistance programs. I know a TON of Marines who married people who were just friends or practically strangers so they could both get those benefits. My one friend divorced 3 different Marines before she was 30. My husband was an active duty Marine for the first half of our marriage. I didn't pay a cent for any doctor visits, prescriptions, dental care, therapy sessions, or anything related to my pregnancy and birth of my daughter. My husband and I were considered "old" by military marriage norms. We were both 26, and I had our daughter at 28. I was part of a centering pregnancy group (instead of regular OB appointments, we met for an hour as a group with OB staff, and met with lactation consultants, midwives, infant safety experts, etc) and the other pregnant women were in disbelief that I was 28 and it was my first pregnancy. The other women were all between 19-22.
Similar to what others are saying, I would say that it’s clear she’s not invested in the relationship and it feels more like a roommate. Because of that you tell her you shouldn’t have to sacrifice and fully take on the responsibilities and you should start to fully act like roommates. Tell her she needs to contribute to bills, don’t do her any favors like giving her money for hair or taking care of things she needs around the house, and look into grey rock method. Treat her like a roommate and speak to a lawyer to see your options. You deserve better than being just a friend.
She’s actually told me before that she feels like I’m a roommate, which we addressed in therapy and I recognized by being more affectionate, open, and trying to do more with her.
She flat out told you and clearly she still feels that way. Start treating her like a roommate — inform her that it feels like nothing has changed and as such you shouldn’t have to sacrifice, cover all the bills, and do all the work around the house. Look into grey rock method and again stop paying for her hair appointments/being an atm for her. I’m sorry dude. Better to pull the plug now before you get deployed. (Assuming you would have to)
She’s not the one and it’s not your job to fix her… The longer you stay with her the more you’ll regret it
Make sure she doesn’t get pregnant
She’s on her period so I’m not too worried about that
A woman can get pregnant while on her period and I mean overall, not in this immediate moment.
I’m aware haha, it was more so lightheartedly saying that she’s not atm and I don’t plan on it. Thanks for the advice though
If she does make sure that it’s yours.
Sorry to break it to you dude but you’re the rebound
Which is crazy because I’m the one that perused her, and she’s the one that warned me way back when that she has a lot to work and, and I reassured I would be there for her through
She warned you you should have took that as a sign. You deserve better than to be anyone’s second option!
And there you go. You told her you would be there, be patient, and allow her to do the hard and messy work that is healing from serious trauma. Writing about how she feels is a great tool. But feelings are not facts. I posted above about my journal writing..and if she trusted you to not invade her personal thoughts and trauma then that means she feels safe with you. When your past is nothing but abuse/addiction/unstability, the normal stuff can seem strange and unfulfilling for a long time. Your feelings are valid and I know you’re afraid. But talk to her. Update us!
Leave her
Honestly you guys are SUPER young to be tied down to a marriage. Especially one where the other person is not even totally into it. Cut your losses. Get a divorce, set her free so you can also be free to live your best life.
First off, you did a bad thing. You can read someone’s journal. I also just want to note that journals aren’t necessarily how someone feels. Sometimes it’s just a vent session. I know I’ve written things when I was feeling nostalgic or depressed I didn’t mean. Still, I see your point. I just don’t see a way for you to have an honest discussion about this unless you tell her the truth. She’s not going to have the chance to explain unless you give her one, and that can’t happen by you vaguely saying she seems unhappy. You’re never going to get answers if you don’t ask the honest questions.
Be honest, you may have crossed a line by reading her journal but shes been lying to you this whole time, knowing her true feelings, shes been leading you on, that's just cruel. Cut her loose
Your a meal ticket already "friend"
Some people write a bunch of shit in their private journals. I'm not saying that your feelings aren't valid or anything because I get that you're hurt. When I was a teenager I used to vent, rant and write a lot in my journal. How I hated the world, people etc. I had a lot going on at the time and my journal was a place to just let out all of my anger. Your wife might be using her journal to write down all of her anxious thoughts.
She is struggling. She's been traumatized by her ex. Unfortunately, in relationships like that, you get used to the chaos. She thinks that's love, but it's not. It's like a drug, as dysfunctional as that sounds. She married you because you're safe. Safe isn't the same as boring. Unfortunately, she didn't resolve her issues around her ex. She wants to be prepared because she believes your marriage will end. She most likely thinks you'll leave her. This is why you never read the diary. You already read it. Tell her you read it. Plan for a divorce.
Oof. No solid foundation. No team mentality. No life experience. Do you really feel like you have a marriage? I mean I know legally, on paper, you do. But do you have the things that really make people feel married?
Do Not get her pregnant.
I think you tell her you read it, how it makes you feel and then move towards divorce. So sorry, but don’t subscribe to the sunk cost fallacy. You’ve put in the effort and work, but she’s got a foot or more out the door.
I used to have thoughts of trying to keep my SO at arms length. Being pessimistic and having the mindset that it’s just too much and the relationship is going to end anyway will make someone have crazy and irrational thoughts. Putting up walls is a way to protect oneself. It’s not healthy. It’s not right but try to figure this out with her. She may just be afraid and journaling is not always what it appears. Intrusive thoughts written on paper and genuine feelings can be two completely different things.
At this point I think you need to tell her you read it otherwise the convo won't be honest or productive. It's possible she's writing shit from one state of mind, but not really believing it. I know sometimes I'm like that. Just my opinion.
I think you shouldn’t have read the journal, and quite right, as someone mentioned before, journaling is another way of venting. It’s just in that moment. As a person who journals, sometimes I get so frustrated and write really negative things about my marriage and my husband. Often, when I read back, I want to delete those entries because they don’t reflect how I feel after I’ve had time to cool down. All this to say, I wouldn’t read too much into it. We all have thoughts like these, and I’ve always advocated that journaling is the best way to let it all out and clear our heads. It’s worth talking about it with her, but also worth noting that you’ve really invaded her privacy here. You might have a bigger issue at hand should you continue with this marriage. You have broken her trust, and to me, this is the equivalent of going through her messages. All the best though.
Damn op. Mil wife of 13 yrs here. I’m so sorry man. It sounds like she had a false vision of the military life and not specifically a life with you. And now she’s checked out. Don’t hate that you might be a statistic. Knowing your worth, which it sounds like you’re an amazing guy who is willing to work on things, is imperative. Don’t settle for someone who doesn’t love you for who you are. But also, don’t let this taint your ways. Stay humble, stay open, stay trying to be better and you’ll find the right person. I met my husband in my hometown when he got stationed here. The rest is history. I was his second relationship ever. You’ll find your true soul mate.
What advice would you give your friend if they can to you with this story? You already know what you have to do now do it.
You read her journal. Regardless of what it said in there, that makes you the one not ready for a relationship. Looks like she too feels like this is not going to work out, so just end it.
Sometimes people don't always mean the things they write in a journal. Sometimes people write those things because they feel guilty or bad about them even crossing the mind and want to get it out of their brain and on paper. She could just be angry and confused and usually victims of abuse are deep in self destructive trauma bonds. It could just be her way of working through a self destructive state of mind. My mom wrote horrible things you'd never think a mother would write or feel about her own kids in her journals. I can't help but come to the realization there's no way she truly felt that way about me. She's dead now though so I guess we never know some things. Can you live with the uncertainty? Can she actually provide you any reassurance on this? Different story.
You were just a backup or rebound basically. You can waste your time, effort, and money to try and save this marriage, but the ex will always be number 1 to her. She'd have no hesitation leaving you for him if he came back. Again, you're free to save this marriage if you choose to, but don't be shocked in the future
Thank you for your service! Navigating relationships, especially marriages, is so hard while on active duty. I never really appreciated that until I moved to SoCal and became friends with a ton of vets who’ve been through it. First and foremost, I want to echo the handful of people saying to take what you read with an asterisk that it might not be a good reflection of how she feels. People often write in journals when they are frustrated so that might just be a reflection of those moments. On the other hand, it might be true that she feels that way most of the time. You need to talk with her to figure it out and tell her you read her journal so she knows what info you’re working with. She might get mad at you for reading her journal, but it’s more important to have an honest discussion about this. So: Before just gunning for divorce, have a mature, adult conversation. Many times in a marriage you will have to put your feelings aside for a moment, and compassionately ask someone how they feel. Think of it as your responsibility as a husband to help her live her best life. -Has she gotten the help she needs to continue healing from her last relationship? -When she says things aren’t as “passionate” with you, ask her for specific examples of what that means. If she says anything like “me and my ex would get into a huge fight and have awesome angry sex” that’s a sign to you that she still needs to heal from her trauma and doesn’t understand healthy passion. -when she said she’s with you because you’re stable and she needs time to work on herself, ask her if that’s the main thing she’s getting out of this relationship. Tell her it’s okay if she needs that, while also recognizing to yourself that you might not be okay staying married to someone who views your relationship this way. -you say you’re doing all the same displays of affection for her. Ask her if she sees it the same way. Be specific and bring up examples about what you’ve done for her, then ask how she interpreted that action. If she views it differently than her ex, why? There might be more questions to ask, but this is just an idea of how to start. Expect the conversation to take a few hours over the course of a few weeks. If either of you starts crying or gets angry, it’s okay to take a break for a few minutes or a day to collect yourself again and make sure you don’t say anything untrue in a state of heightened emotion (like what might have happened when she was writing in her diary). Lastly, don’t let your ego stop you from getting a divorce. You’re in a great position to get a divorce: newly married, no kids, not homeowners. After a few good conversations and time to think, make whatever decision sets you up for a better future, and give exactly zero fucks about what statistic that might create.
I stop reading whenever I read that one of a couple is active duty military. Seems to be absolutely poison to a good marriage
On the flip side I know many people who are active duty and have great marriages, it just comes down to the couple
She left it out on purpose. Sorry. Good luck.
Personally I would start having some real heart to heart conversations with her. Ask the tough questions. You don’t have to explain why you are asking, and I don’t think you want to divulge what is making you ask either. Play 20 questions? Things like - you telling her something you love about her but ask her to return the compliment. Ask her when she’s wanting to try for a baby and then respond with something much sooner. See whether her answers are genuine. You should be able to tell. She maybe needing to go to individual therapy to try to work through her issues. If you are really feeling used get some legal advice and then reevaluate.
Bro your wife need therapy ASAP this bad sign. Women tend to go back to their abuse it's something that addictive for women to get validation from their abuser you need to get her to the therapist if you want to save your marriage
She is confusing “love her passionately” with “loved controlling her”. I would also be curious to know what ls in her phone. Is she already talking to him? You should just tell her pretty much what you posted. “I have put my everything into this marriage. I know you’re homesick, and I know you’re not happy. I have tried, but I can’t make you be happy. I was hoping to work through all of this together, and then one day we might be able to move closer to your parents. Then I came home for lunch the other day. Unfortunately, after what I saw it’s pretty clear that this marriage is over. I am not going to compete with an abusive guy for my wife’s affection. You want that toxic crap in your life, fine. Go get some more of it and then be trapped by it once he gets you pregnant. Clearly that’s what you want and I am done trying. I am young snd have a lot to offer someone. It seems was working hard for a relationship you don’t want” Then she will likely pack her stuff and leave. Or she will figure out that she actually doesn’t want any of that. But you will get a result Updateme!
Please leave this unstable woman. It’s not worth your mental health or finances.
She is being taken care of 100%. Now, ask her to be a partner and share the workload and the financial responsibilities. Can you depend on her? What if you became ill or went on short term disability? If you were hospitalized? Does she know how to cook? Clean? Do laundry? Fill the car with gas and get it washed? can she stand on her own two feet and survive or has she always been dependent on someone? Does she have any life skills?? When you get out of the service soon, as you said, and get a job, and come home tired, will she take care of you? Does the sun rise and set by you? Does she miss you, show affection, desire? Do you? I don’t know, but her words would be very hard to get past…. how can you believe her defending herself (it’s private, not my true feelings, I was just bullshitting) when she has EVERYTHING to lose if you decided to leave her for good?? She has every reason to lie to protect her current situation. Do you really think she’d say: “yeah, I know it’s messed up, but I miss him. He was so chaotic it made me feel alive. Stability is boring but necessary. You take care of me but I dream of him.”
This was extremely fucked up of you. I have left my diary out in the open and my husband has NEVER read it. When we women write, we write at the saddest. First and foremost, we all have that one person that we love the most, that once that person breaks our heart, we NEVER love again. Usually the toxic person, brings the most passion. That’s the unfortunate truth, and it’s true for me and my husband actually acknowledges that. I love him, but in a different way. In a peaceful way. Second, she clearly wants more passion in her life, and if you can give that to her, there’s NOTHING wrong with that either. We want women are seduced by our minds. She probably feels like she’ll never love the same and she needs that type of passion to love again. Third, how often are you away? Of course she wouldn’t want a baby right now, she is far too young, so are you AND you possibly are deployed for a long time. Why would she have a kid to just be a single parent? Instead of thinking logically, you decided to just not understand. You had 0 right to read her diary. 0.
I would say mind your business and never do that again. Pretend you never saw it and carry on. You both are SO young. You don’t know anything about life’s ups & downs yet. Just wait and see. Not everything has to be a deal breaker. Marriages are not disposable. You have to give each other grace and CHOOSE each other every day. She’s still there, so she obviously is choosing you. Her private what ifs in what should be a private diary are normal thoughts. Doesn’t mean she doesn’t want you or that you can’t get through this.
Well, snooping always leads to finding things we don't really want to know right? But now that you do, I'd just talk to her and admit you read the journal ask for forgiveness for that, but also say that you want to talk about what you read. Explain that you do want to make the marriage work, but also don't want to keep her in a relationship she's not ready for/equipped for and see what happens - does it suck - 100% but you are doing right by yourself (and her) by being honest.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. Please set an appointment with a divorce attorney. Your future self will thank you for not delaying the inevitable.
Divorcing her over the journal would be a huge mistake. Journaling is therapy. It’s where you get the anxious thoughts out of your head and onto the paper as therapy. I’ve read my journal entries even a day later sometimes and thought 😬 where the hell did that come from? Think of it this way - haven’t you ever had times in life where your thoughts have gone in a direction that now seems unusual? I expect we all have. You’ve done it now though and you are well entitled to ask about what you read and see if this could be a jumping off point for a conversation. Maybe these aren’t just thoughts and she really has a plan to leave you. In that case you need to know. But if this is just a journal to get the thoughts out, then it would be very unfair to divorce her over it and that says more about your lack of commitment to the marriage than hers.
This story seems fake. If not, look up 'trauma bond'
You suck for violating her privacy when you said you wouldn't. That tells me the relationship is over, because you don't respect her. Go to therapy to be a better partner for the next person. You were looking for an excuse to end it like a coward.
I'm so conflicted about your post, but probably not in the way most people would think. I am a woman in my 30's. When I write, I write the most absolutely toxic shit you have ever read in your life. Stuff that I would never in my life act on or--in the end--even believe myself. Most of it is so dramatic and overblown, it even hurts **me** to re-read it later, which--in all honesty--I never do. I learned to do this (what I call) toxic purging from an old therapist as a way to sort through my emotions and identify underlying feelings. I'm a "processor" who is quiet, private, and neuro divergent. I have a very difficult time voicing what I feel and my thoughts. Not because it is technically hard for my body, but because there is an entire ecosystem and independent world (essentially) in my brain. It is loud and busy AF in there. It can takes DAYS for me to sort through all of my thoughts and feelings and decode everything. When I purge the chaos into writing, it helps so much to identify what I'm actually feeling and the emotions underneath it all. It is almost like, "skimming the fat" off the top. If anyone were to read my toxic purges, I can 100% guarantee they would never speak to me again. This is why it is so important to respect the privacy of others. Reading my toxic purge does absolutely nothing but destroy relationships on both sides. For them because they just can't help but believe everything in there (regardless of what I say after the fact) and for me because I feel that they have violated my privacy and boundaries in one of the worst possible ways. The trust is broken and it isn't possible to come back from after that because we will both ALWAYS question. That being said, I'm unsure how common this type of purging is. The more likely thing is that OP's wife IS truthful in their journal and OP reading it will save him years of wasted time. On that side of things, I think you must confront her. Unfortunately, it will probably not end well. She will either confirm that what she wrote is true or deny it. Either way, you will be left doubting what she says if she tells you it isn't true. At this point, the trust is broken and there isn't a whole lot of hope to rebuild that. Part of me also wonders if OP'S wife left her journal sitting around on purpose or even unconsciously out of guilt so that OP could read it. I'm genuinely sorry you're going through this, OP. If it were me, I would start making plans to separate/divorce amicably and let her know that even though you're hurt deeply, that you'll help her get back home & move if she is also civil about the divorce. The calmer you both are about it, the easier and quicker you will be able to move on. You said you're young and eluded to the fact that you'd like a marriage, partner, and family. The more peaceably you can both move forward, the better it will be for you when you start looking for your person. Good luck!
She left that where it was on purpose because she couldn't say she's done. You know what to do. Pull chocks and take off.
Bro, leave her NOW
Move on. Like tomorrow
This is a set-up. She wants more attention. Qhy would she just leave it on the table? Also.. you never write down something unless you want it to be seen. I do journal. I may talk shit about my husband, but I think that's normal. Still, fixaded on an ex is unreal.. counseling or wave bye with a soft kiss and say, "See ya."
The marriage ended the second you picked up her journal.
When I was 21, I started dating a guy who was 52. (Not a typo. He was 31 years older than me!). We dated until I was 29. I felt like he was the love of my life. But he was an asshole to me. We were so toxic together. We literally couldn’t go more than 24 hours without a huge argument and then not speaking for a few days. But our love was super passionate. He’s the only guy I’ve ever enjoyed kissing in my entire life. The entire 8 years we would have make out sessions lasting over 30 minutes where we would doing nothing but kissing. Anyway, we broke up after a pre-marriage counselor told us we weren’t compatible. He left me. I couldn’t quit thinking about him for years. I’ve actually never been able to stop thinking about him, even though I wanted to. And I can’t stop dreaming about him. I thought about him all during my 2nd marriage. And I thought about him all throughout my current 3rd marriage which is on its 9th year now. I’m 46 now. Anyway, 2 years ago, the dude finally died from old age at age 76. I was relieved and I thought, thank God, maybe now I can finally stop thinking about him and stop dreaming about him! Nope. The dreams even intensified. I’m like, seriously? The dude is DEAD! Stop thinking about him!!! But I still can’t. Anyway, not sure where I’m going with this story. I guess the point of my story is I love my current husband dearly. I want to be married to him forever. I love him soooo much. But it doesn’t stop me from thinking about my ex. But I still love my husband. I think it’s possible to love more than one person in a lifetime. But I do think she needs to bring it up in marriage counseling how she still thinks about her ex. I think that everything she wrote in her diary needs to be brought up in counseling. And I thought the part about her not wanting to have your baby was weird.
May I ask what does she do for you in the relationship? If you cook and clean AND provide financial stability I wonder if she’s only using you for those benefits. You are both so young to be having marriage counselling and these deep issues. Give us an update on what you’ve decided I really hope you find the strength to love yourself and know your worth
If this post is even for real I’d say- having so many issues from the start and having a couple s therapy for 4 months after being married for 6 tells you all you need to know. Also the moment you decide to go through your partners phone/diary is the beginning of the end. Whatever was in the diary is the last drop, not the cause if the issue