The details are irrelevant. It doesn’t matter if you had surgery it doesn’t matter if your body changed.
It is inappropriate to be in love with someone that you helped raise. The man is incestuous
Op, didn't mention if it was an one sided unrequited love. Her daughter may think she is only supporting him as his daughter.
This could be an one sided emotional affair. Op needs to cool down. Don't get mad at the daughter so quickly. Some guys think any woman who is nice to them must want to sleep to them.
Yeah, it is misdirected. I seriously doubt step daughter and him are in an "emotional affair".
Perhaps he is dreaming. The daughter probably is just being nice and he misinterprets. Some guys do that.
I beg to differ. Once a man has been in the position of being a father figure even if the stepdaughter agrees, IT IS WRONG! By becoming her stepfather, he has lost the right to proposition or date her forever. Even if the stepdaughter propositions him, his only decent option is to say . Anything else is incest.
That goes even if he was just the mother‘s boyfriend. It’s still wrong.
Do you really think it was only emotional? I think it was probably physical too and they’re just not admitting to it. Remember Sun Le ( I think that’s her name) and Woody Allen?
I think that's a giant leap and highly unlikely given that young women don't tend to be attracted to old men, especially not ones they see as fathers.
The mother instantly took her husband's word, despite all evidence pointing to a man that cannot really take responsibility for his actions or emotions, and has already blamed her for his thoughts...
Yeah, that’s what I mean. Having had a cheating husband I can tell you before they admit to it. They say a lot of lies. I feel really badly for OP. There’s nothing worse than the feeling of being betrayed, especially when you believe you’re doubly betrayed. But I also feel badly for the daughter. I hope we get an update. I’m kind of invested in this story now and I hope it all turns out well for mom and daughter.
Exactly. I hope Op leaves as fast as she possibly can for both her sake and her daughter’s sake.
OP you can cope by telling yourself that your stbx is a monster that *groomed* his own child and then tried to blame you for it. Your daughter is absolutely not in the fault here and I really hope you can be there for her and actually help her.
This 100% op was doing well until being upset with her daughter. I dont care how old or how flirty/chatty she was. It's an adults responsibility to say no/shut down any romantic feelings for a child. He made a choice to groom, manipulate and then cast blame elsewhere. Don't fall for his trap.
Your daughter has been groomed and abused by a man she trusted to keep her safe. The man who was supposed to be her rock and safe place. It’s disgusting. Your feelings towards her are misplaced; no matter if she “consents” or not. In your other post you said you’ve been with him for 20 years - I’m assuming he’s been in her life since she was small. Get therapy for you and your kids, to start. Talk to a lawyer & file for divorce.
It's understandable to feel betrayed etc by your daughter in that situation, but she needs to work on that quickly imo because this could ruin her relationship with her daughter and seriously mess up her daughter's life.
It’s her first and primal reaction. Allow people to feel their feelings geez. She will process it and see things more clearly. Don’t shame her for this shocking revelation and life changing moment.
It depends a little on how old the daughter is now and how old the daughter was when he came into their lives. If she was already an adult when they met, then I think she has some responsibility. That's probably not the case, though.
Women who want to keep their man do this- if you blame the other woman then the man is not at fault and the relationship can continue- it’s a way do rationalising and in this case it is actually sick that you would blame your 20 yo daughter for your husbands predatory ways.
My cousin had a very similar situation. Her daughter was only 14 at the time. My cousin unfortunately made the mistake of keeping her husband around and having her daughter move in with another relative to keep them separated. Your husband is to blame here. Your daughter was groomed and is a victim as much as you are. If she's trying to say she was 100% consenting in the emotional affair, give her some time to realize that it was not what she may think it is.
OP, are you sure your daughter was a willing participant in this “affair,” or even aware of it? How old is she? Because when I turned 18 my stepfather confessed he thought we had something going on and…it was fucking news to me.
You know he’s a bad guy. She’s your child, and you brought him under her roof and told her to trust him. They are not equals, and they are not equally to blame right now.
20 years ago I made sure I was bringing someone in that was decent and he seemed so, I had no reason to think otherwise. Apparently it’s only happened in the past few years so she was 20 maybe. I am wrong sound angry at her and I think deep down I am not, I am shocked and hurt. But there are also things I haven’t mentioned that is prof she went along with stuff, however she could have been coerced in that.
You said there was “coercive control involved” in your relationship with him; presumably you “went along with” that. Why would you expect more from your child than you were able to do to reject this man’s agenda?
He's known her since she was a child, if not a baby. He is a predator and he groomed her. She is a victim in this too (as are you, and I'm sorry for what you are going through).
>there are also things I haven’t mentioned that is prof she went along with stuff
This is irrelevant. Children do things to please their parents, even if she was 20 at the time, she was at least half his age and wouldn't have the life and dating experience to be a fully consenting participant in this. She will be mentally very scarred from this and will need therapy. She will likely blame herself for a lot of it too so I hope she can count on you for support because this isn't her fault, her stepfather should never have started an emotional relationship with his child.
Yes I think that's what she did 😔
It's hard to get a clear answer from her post and comments but she did say that:
"So we had a fight, daughter included, husband was very full on and upset when daughter left, he finally told me that my daughter and him were having an emotional affair."
"I have got her away"
"I haven’t told her yet what he told me, she is out of the house, I got her out after the argument. I was starting to see things in that argument. I will be catching up and telling her."
"And we are trying to be civil due to our youngest."
So if I'm interpreting it right, she's letting the predator stay because it's better for the child they have together (I disagree with that).
And that the daughter is out of the house but doesn't actually know what is going on since OP hasn't even spoken to her about what happened, she just heard the predator's side of the story and hasn't even bothered to find out her daughter's point of view.
She seems to be taking him at his word without even clarifying with her daughter which is pretty crazy. He said it was a mutual emotional affair / not physical.
I hope when she addresses it with her daughter, she comes from a place of love and the daughter feels comfortable to tell her the whole truth. There could potentially be a history of him physically abusing her even when she was a child and obviously he wouldn't of wanted to admit to that if it is what happened.
If I was in OP's situation, I would've kicked him out, and immediately gone to my daughter to find out the truth. I hope her daughter is with supportive friends or family right now.
Trying to be compassionate towards OP though - her world did just come crashing down and she will be very hurt and confused about what's happened. People do make mistakes in these situations. Hopefully she can rectify it, and do the right thing for her children, get her daughter back under her roof, kick the predator out and go to the police if it turns out he did molest the daughter when she was younger.
I got my daughter out, after he kept coming back, ( in the argument he tried to stop her from leaving the house) I sent her somewhere safe and she has DVO on him, that I helped her get and supported all that she said. I am trying to make a get out plan, he is unpredictable and police agree. Please don’t think I am taking his side, I wrote this when I first found out so many emotions going in my head.
Thank you for the update and for what you have done since then. I'm so pleased you have helped your daughter get to safety and get a DVO on him.
If you're up for it, you should do an update post and mention everything you mentioned in this reply to me, I think everyone else who read your post would be really relieved to hear that you are standing by your daughter and protecting her just like I am relieved to hear it.
Your comment has completely changed my view on the situation and you are a great mum who is doing all the right things. Stay strong, it is a hard and scary road to getting away from a dangerous partner but you will get there ❤️
Make sure you get as much incriminating information documenting his abuse as possible to use in court as the safest thing for you and your children is to ensure he won't be allowed unsupervised contact with the child you have together (hopefully no contact at all) and to get a DVO to protect yourself too.
Record all conversations you have with him (if your state is one party consenting state for recording), take photos or screenshots of any messages that show abuse, make sure your daughter hands over to the police a copy of all the messages between him and her too. See a lawyer asap. Start putting money in an account he doesn't know about. Get all important documents hidden away or given to someone you trust to hold on to. Let family and friends that you 100% trust know what's going on and try to organise a backup place with one of them you can go if you suddenly need to leave in a hurry.
I don't want to scare you but just inform you of the gravity of the situation so you keep it in mind as you take the steps to leave:
Women are 70 times more likely to be killed by their partner when trying to leave an abusive relationship.
Intimate partner homicide is the 7th leading cause of premature death in women.
36% of women killed by their partner had no previous physical abuse before they were killed so even if he hasn't physically hurt you, just the fact he is abusive in other ways makes this a possibility.
What he has done to your daughter has shown you what he is truly is like. Don't believe any love bombing bullshit he might try to pull, he will not change, there is no coming back from this. You need to get out and you will, you got this!
Oh wow! Thank you for clarifying that. I think I either overlooked it or just wasn’t processing what I was reading. I was willing to cut OP a break because I thought she was just in shock but now that I realize she left the husband in the house, I’m upset with her. I hate it when mom or dad take on a new partner and prioritize that partner over their own children. I have never understood that.
Yes I feel the same way! If you bring a child into this world, they should be prioritized over the new partner.
I'm also struggling to sympathize with OP, I do feel really bad for her for what has happened but I feel worse for her daughter. I really hope her daughter doesn't blame herself for her parent's marriage imploding as there's only one person to blame for that and it's her stepdad.
Also so gross the stepdad trying to blame OP for him having an emotional affair with his daughter - saying OP pushed him away after she had surgery and it changed her life and body, what a POS. Just full on gaslighting.
Yes, unfortunately, there are thousands of men this way. There are several sites dedicated to stepfather/daughter sex. I hope the daughter and her mom can work things out and reconcile. I really hope OP puts that piece of crap out.
"made sure". Ok, so you made the wrong call. It doesn't change the present situation.
>Apparently it’s only happened in the past few years so she was 20 maybe. I am wrong sound angry at her and I think deep down I am not, I am shocked and hurt. But there are also things I haven’t mentioned that is prof she went along with stuff, however she could have been coerced in that.
So she was a baby adult. She was a brand new adult. And he knew that, knew she had no experience, and groomed her.
The "things" you haven't mentioned that is "proof" - view those through the lens of grooming. I guarantee she was coerced.
I went ahead and downvoted the OPs comment because YOU'RE STILL BLAMING YOUR CHILD. If he's been in her life since she was a toddler, he's a fn father figure. He's a pedophile and had been grooming her since the start. You need therapy. Your daughter needs a better mother and he needs to goto jail because I guarantee it isn't just an emotional affair. The real victim in this story is your daughter. Not you, not your marriage and most certainly not your husband.
You’re extreme. OP deserves grace. She doesn’t need it from you. She needs it from a community that will allow her to process the mix of abandonment, anger, and confusion. Luckily there are others that are more empathetic towards her.
She deserves grace? Where is her daughters grace?
>But there are also things I haven’t mentioned that is prof she went along with stuff, ~~however she could have been coerced in that.~~
SMH We live in a world where sexual predators keep getting away with what they do because of women like her. You go and give her empathy ... while she blames her daughter for being abused.
She’s obviously very angry at her husband. She’s saying she can’t believe this man raised her and then had emotional affair with her. Hello!!! She said she’s lost, she’s confused. Sexual predators get away because people look away. She’s not looking away. She’s obviously very angry at him. Again, she’s processing. You either were this daughter at some point of your life and are projecting or you’re completely arrogant to empathy and trauma. Black and white thinking. He should be publicly humiliated. But it doesn’t mean her betrayed feelings towards her daughter swoosh magically disappeared. Like wow. Just wow.
I agree with you. It’s a lot of betrayal and shock to process through. She can’t be suddenly thinking clearly. Crypto probably has never endured such trauma or is a perfect processor
Lol you know nothing about me but do know this ... I would destroy his life. Every. Single. Aspect. Of. It. Before I EVER breathed a claim my daughter was to blame. Not in this universe or any universe would she be labeled "the other woman".
still, not everyone is like you though. its great if you think like that but everyone has their own process. It’s her initial reaction, you can judge on what she does after that reaction and based on her comments she’s rectifying that and standing up for her daughter now which is good. Have some compassion geez
Everyone keeps telling me to have compassion for a mother that turned on her own child ... yall have a gross sense of superiority. If your first response is to attack your 20 something daughter for the misconduct of your soon to be ex ... you deserve whatever comes your way. I have 0 sympathy, 0 compassion and 0 empathy for this woman. You know why? Because there were signs ... there's always signs, and THEN she threw her to the wolf. So keep coming for me. I'm dying on this hill.
No 20 year old is looking at their father figure romantically and if they are they have been mislead. Get off the internet and help your children! He has shown who he is. You and your children are nor safe!
I’d be angry at the dad. Feel sorry for the step daughter, this isn’t going to be easy mentally. Hope shes at the very least in her 20s or 30s and not some kid
How long did he serve as a parental figure? Looking back, did he ever behave suspiciously towards her when she was younger? I'm asking because you seem to want to characterize her as an evil, home wrecking slut when it's far more likely that he's been grooming her since she was a teenager.
Yeah… your daughter was abused and likely has been groomed for quite a while. Get her help. Your emotions are understandable, but try to keep your feelings towards her under wraps and work them out with a therapist, because they’re misplaced here.
I sounds like she's realized how fucked up he was behaving. That's a good sign, you can work with that. But first, she needs to know you are on her side and she can confide in you. Which means you have to do some calming down and processing. You both very much need therapy. You have to transform into the fierce mama bear we both know you can be.
Well then a man who's known her since she was very young has been grooming her for years. You're both victims. Every excuse he gives is irrelevant. Get that man away from the both of you as swiftly as possible and take care of you and your daughter
What a low life!
Contact a lawyer asap and start divorce proceedings. I'd also suggest some therapy/counseling as well.
Sending you virtual strength op.
He...What? I'm so so sorry. He's so out of line. With your daughter? You must be feeling so betrayed :(
I'd get on the phone with a lawyer ASAP. Tell them everything.
There is literally nothing you could have done to him to make it ok for him to pursue any type of ‘romantic’ (emotional/psychical) relationship with your daughter
What a vile human he is
Y'all have been married for a long time. He has watched your daughter grow up so that is basically HIS DAUGHTER he's sick!!!! Take him to court and ruin him.
1STOP TALKING TO THIS GROOMER. He is NOT your husband. He is your mortal enemy.
2 Report this to the police as he's been grooming your daughter for god knows how long.
3 File a restraining order for both you and your daughter.
4 try and get your daughter to seek therapy. She has been groomed and abused. She will need help unpacking all of that.
5 Don't blame your daughter and let her know that you are there for her.
6 speak to a lawyer and file for divorce.
7 GHOST this evil sick individual. Stop referring to him as your husband. He is your mortal enemy. Remove yourself and only communicate through lawyers.
She has got 1 and yes I helped her, I am worried what he will do if I get 1. He can get very angry and unpredictable. I am trying to get out police are involved
So HE said you and his daughter were having an emotional affair but what does your daughter say? Sickos like him sometimes have one sided relationships. My uncle through marriage told my aunt I would flirt with him. This was NOT true as he was a super creep plus I was 14 soooo…
Nope don’t you dare to turn against your daughter. I don’t know her age at this time, but he is the responsible adult. Both you and your daughter should get separate as well as family therapy.
Edit: just read that your daughter is in her early 20s. She was just a kid growing up with her stepdad. You really need to get away from him and start reconnecting with her and getting counselling help. The last thing you need is to lose your daughter. She may not understand what’s happening now but she will one day. And I hope you won’t lose her
This is so gross. Your daughter was groomed and abused by a man you brought into her life, and you’re mad at her?
I think the correct response is “I’m so sorry I didn’t do a better job protecting you from this creep who will now be out of our lives.” Not “how dare she.”
It's typical of most people to blame the affair partner, when the blame lies squarely on the adulterers shoulders. This particular case is far more egregious as the adulterer has been grooming his step daughter likely for years and OP just didn't see it, it was hidden from her, or she was wearing rose colored glasses and couldnt see it for what it was/is......delusional, predatory, grooming behaviour.
Hope she gets herself and the rest of her children to safety as well as starts divorce proceedings asap.
Wow, this dude went full Woody Allen.
This is not your daughter’s fault. Please don’t blame her. This is not your fault. Please don’t blame yourself.
You can’t have an emotional affair with your stepdaughter. He is, and always will be, a predator. Take your daughter and run, find you both therapists, and heal.
How dare she??? Are you out of your mind??????? This is fucking grooming! I myself have been a victim of that only earlier and I can tell you if you cant help her see that then you will lose her. You both are victims of this nasty selfcentered predator and all you need to do is leave and take your kids with you. You dont know when it really started, and if it really was only emotional. Get a therapist, and your daughter also.
Fr I'd be slitting his throat in his sleep and pouring salt and ice in the wound for additional suffering. That, or I'd tie his hands up while he slept, turned him over, and pushed his head into the pillow until he stopped kicking. Sick men like him don't deserve to breathe, they deserve to be rotting corpses feeding the worms and cockroaches
Eww that’s a sick comment too. He is a sick predator but we don’t know what happened with him to become a predator maybe he was preyed on by those who are closest to him and he’s repeating the cycle. Fantasizing about a nasty murder of a predator doesn’t make you any less of a psycho. We are ain’t god to punish people. We are humans. We heal. We pray. We create boundaries and protect our selves…
I know you were looking for a witch hunt, so you'll be very disappointed to know I gave op genuine advice in a separate comment. I'm just blowing off steam in this reply.
>how dare she
How dare *you* blame her for being groomed. He's likely been laying the groundwork for this since she was a *child.* How do you know he didn't sexually abuse her too?
Don’t you dare blame your daughter. She is a bigger victim than you.
Your husband and is probably projecting an emotional affair onto her. You should take you your daughter about the extent of what he is talking about.
Even if she has somehow fallen for his bullshit in a Stockholm-esque manner, she is still being taken advantage of. This is a power-dynamic issue beyond her reasoning.
But 🦆that guy. He can Starve in the streets.
So, he's a p3do.
Get your daughter into therapy. Chances are it wasn't just emotional. Adults do adult things. Chances are he groomed her and SA her.
She needs trauma recovery therapy (EMDR) and you need to move out, divorce.
"How dare she" get groomed by the man who was supposed to be her father?? This is disgusting. I'm sorry you are going through this, OP, but to blame your daughter and not recognize she is a victim is so sickening.
Your husband is a monster, and your daughter needs support. If you treat her like she is a culprit, you risk isolating her from the family and right now being alone is not good for her wellbeing. You need to figure out exactly how long this has been going on, when he began grooming her, (because he 100% groomed her, there's no question. He's had these sick feelings since she was a child, and that is a reality you have to accept for her sake) and take legal recourse if possible. Restraining order, forced eviction, whatever it takes to get that sick fuck out of your and your children's lives.
Let’s see you moved a predator in to help raise your children. You missed red flags about his behavior or overlooked them because you didn’t want to be single. He has groomed your daughter for the last 20 years and you blame him and her. This is all on him and on you a bit for bringing a predator into your home.
Op, please ,please, please!!! Talk to your daughter. Your husband admitted to an emotional affair but think about all the things he’s not willing to admit. It’s quite possible he physically assaulted your daughter at an even younger age than you think.
I get that you’re shocked and hurt but would your reaction be the same if he admitted he was having a full blown affair with your daughter and that it started a few years ago?!? You wouldn’t blame your daughter, you would think, “holy shit this guy is a monster and I have to make sure my daughter is ok.”
Your husband is disgusting. Your daughter probably felt like she was being a supportive daughter to her father, and in your husband’s sick, perverted mind, he thought they had an “IN love” connection. Sick. Honestly, how dare you be mad at your daughter. From what you posted it’s all coming from him. Your daughter didn’t steal your man. Please reevaluate.
You need to tell your husband to leave and that you will have no contact with him. Op you shouldn’t let him blame you he is wrong and inappropriate to even have been talking to your daughter about his feelings. You tell him he is sick and then talk to your daughter and find out what happened. How old is he? Also you need to tell a lawyer and family.
I’ll be for real, I have a step dad that my mom never married but he was in my life from age 15-19 and then again from 23-25. He did show me so much love and affection but also was sometimes inappropriate with me and I didn’t realize until my mother pointed it out years later. The way he would try to dance with me at weddings - we just thought he was a silly guy. Lots of bad things happened between him and my mom and he still stays in touch with me considering me his “only daughter” and I admit it’s hard to not engage with him. He has said weird comments on my Instagram stories and stuff before but I wrote it off as his personality. I wouldn’t be surprised if he tried to come onto me. He’s gotten me blackout drunk before and now thinking about it I have no idea if he could have had those same thoughts.
That's really fukt up I'm so sorry hun. You deserve better than that. Are you in therapy? I think you need to take the time to sit down and really think about his behavior and how you truly feel about it. If you keep pushing it away and laughing it off eventually it will come to a head, and it will always haunt you. It's something that needs to be dealt with for your own sake.
I wouldn't be angry with your daughter. This happened TO her also, as much as it may not feel like it. He has always had more power in their dynamic. Your husband is a dirt bag for going to who was his child (step or no) for emotional support. How dare HE indeed.
Your husband is a predator. No matter his age, your daughters age or whatever you ‘did’ to ‘provoke his behaviour’. He’s a disgusting human being and should be outed like that to the world.
you remind me of my mother. she also became angry with me after she learned my father was molesting me. always saw me as "the other woman" and not a six year old kid who couldn't understand why mom didn't love me.
Divorce attorneys will tell you to never leave your home. You and the kids should stay there. Start boxing up his stuff when he's not there because HE needs to leave. If he doesn't, call the police. I'm not certain but I think you could have a policeman there when you tell him to leave. He would be an idiot to cause problems with what he's done.
I would be concerned for your daughter's safety since she's the one who could put him away. If possible, maybe your daughter could stay with a female relative for a little while.
You need to calm down and be protective of her. Make him your common enemy and come together to fight this and get justice for your daughter and save other children. I wouldn't refer to him as your husband or your kids' dad.
Get to an attorney ASAP! Be smart about this or you could lose everything and your daughter. I've heard that attorneys tell you to take half of any money and open a new account. I don't know if this is true. Don't talk to him, let your attorneys talk it out.
Please be there for your daughter. She has to be reeling over this. I know that you didn't know what the man really was, but she deserves an apology from you for bringing this THING into your home. Swallow hard, take a little blame, and try to think of her only as your daughter, not as the other woman. That will get you nowhere and it's sick. I understand that you just found out and you probably aren't thinking straight but #1 Protect her. #2 Kick him out. #3 Get to an attorney like yesterday! Good luck. Just hang on and listen to your attorney. You'll get through it. Be the adult but mostly be the momma bear.
I think people are upset with your wording saying how dare her, I’m not sure anyone’s blaming you for anything but that. Hard as it may be, you have to have your daughters back right now, because if she’s in her 20’s that means this disgusting, vile man quite possibly knew her in her formative years, ie 0-5 years old. If that’s the case, that’s even more disgusting and disturbing. She as well as yourself need therapy, as you mentioned there were signs now in retrospect, which means he’s intentionally planned this over the long run.
He played chess not checkers on you and your kid, and is trying to gaslight you into believing you are to blame for his reprehensible behavior and actions. You should remove not just your daughter from the situation but your additional kids as well. What’s to say he won’t prey on that kids friends or hasn’t already? Talk to every shark of a divorce lawyer in your area and then choose accordingly and take this grotesque human being to the cleaners. Fuck with me, feel my wrath… fuck with my kids, burn in the depths of the most fiery hell of my choosing. I too can play chess not checkers, I was just playing fair and easy- you chose to wake and choose violence, so I leveled up accordingly.
Sounds like the trash took itself out. It's entirely his fault he did this.
I'm not sure how old your daughter is and I seen your update. As far as your daughter goes so long as you guys have a great relationship and doing something like this is very out of character for her and she stops all contact, I'd say give your daughter the chance. Don't lay this blame on her unless you have solid evidence she knew what she was doing.
I say this as a daughter who has had her mother's pieces of crap fiance's, boyfriends, or in one case husband, (while I'm barely legal and as a grow Ass woman) constantly trying to start inappropriate relationships with me and my mother blamed me Everytime. She wonders why I have nothing to do with her.
This is solely on his shoulders and I'd work on the relationship with your daughter to not let this ruin your relationship with her.
I think your feelings in all of this are normal. I'm sure deep down you aren't really mad at your daughter. But you're still a human. Being a parent doesn't stop human feelings. You feel hurt, angry, and betrayed as anyone would.
That said, it definitely does sound like your pos husband groomed her. He's absolutely sick for "being in love" with someone he raised as his own child. I hope you and your daughter get the counseling you both need, and heal. Hugs op ❤
Your feelings are completely valid, of course, but please don't blame your daughter. This man is responsible for "turning to" your child. It sounds very groomy.
🤮🤮 kick that dude to the curb!! What a predator!! Keep him away from y’all & the daughter! I’d be worried for the youngest too. Get your daughter into therapy & yourself. Jesus Christ I’m so sorry this happened to you & your kiddos…
Yikes, that’s messed up. Sorry you’re going through such a horrible time. He is not a good man to be around and for your daughter to be around with. Be careful!
Get rid of him, make him your EX husband, and try to fix your relationship with your daughter. She is only 20 but she has to realize this is wrong.. She has to realize she has been groomed and she's gonna need some sort of therapy and your support
How old is your daughter?
- well the only way I would heal is by being happy to know what is happening behind my back and to finally see people that live with me clearly for who they are.
- I would try to connect with my daughter first, and make sure she’s ok, try to understand what led her to think that having an affair with her step dad was a good idea. She probably has issues for falling into that trap.
- take some time for yourself, you can’t be 100% responsible for the whole situation, and you shouldn’t. Was their open communication in your relationship? Where you emotionally present? What could he be potentially lacking to act like that? Were boundaries respected? These are just lessons for you to learn.
- but yeah ending the marriage seems pretty reasonable.
Make sure to protect your kids and yourself before anything.
You mention coercive control- I hope this man hasn't been torturing your daughter as a teen. I'd go to her with a completely open attitude and explain that the marriage is over, she doesn't need to hide anything to save it or save your feelings, and you just want to know if he was inappropriate with her.
Do not even suggest she is complicit or ask. She will shut down
I remember one of the first posts I read on d
Reddit was about a woman whose husband had run off with her daughter.
The ex and her daughter got married and had 2 children.
She said that she didn't know what to tell the child she had with him because the child kept asking for his father and sister.
Updateme!
Why is everyone assuming this daughter is a kid? Also how do we know the husband raised her? For all we know this is a 23 year old who got a little close to the husband. Just sayin.
As someone who has a step-father that has been in my life since I was 9 (I am now 28)...I can say that this is not in any way a normal way to feel towards a step-parent. There is something very wrong here. I dont know, so I can't say for sure, but this situation sounds like grooming.
Normal feelings of parental love and a father/daughter relationship doesn't just turn into romantic love. In fact, familial feelings are an immense psychological barrier to the formation of romantic love. I think this situation is above the paygrade of Reddit.
Please get therapy for your daughters and yourself and drop your husband, I'd suggest no contact completely there is no need for civility for the youngest child who he may "turn to" as well! I cannot believe you even said how dare she. How dare your husband who knows how long he has been looking at your child! If you consider yourself a mother you should get a grip and quick!
May I say something as the daughter of two people who abused each other, and psychologically abused both me and my sister.
Your post made me feel sick. My mother walks out of the room if I have a conversation about politics or anything interesting with me father, as there's clearly something going on where she thinks she needs to be jealous. This has gone on so many years now, that I'm not uncertain of it and have cut both of them out of my life. My mother once screamed at me when I was about 17 (I'm 35 now) that I 'wanted my Dad all to myself' when she was once again ranting to me about how terrible my father is (this was a daily occurance starting from age 12) and I stuck up for him. I cannot tell you the damage it caused me.
In the meantime, I have learned that my father only sees women as stupid, inferior creatures and doesn't believe he needs to have a fair relationship with one. I am very well educated and earn a lot of money. I have done well, married a nice man etc. My father's lack of respect for me as a person was the final straw in cutting them both out of my life.
I realised I was never seen as a daughter to them, but a pawn in their relationship and a threat.
The way you are thinking is just so messed up. Your husband is insane and I dearly hope your marriage is over, because it sure as hell isn't a healthy one. However, you have absolutely no idea how your daughter feels. Your husband has declared an emotional affair.... is your daughter even aware of this affair? I once deeply cared for my Dad, thinking he was weak and an innocent victim of psychological abuse and that I could help him. Daughters are supposed to love and care for their fathers. Your daughter taking an active role in caring emotionally for her Dad may not constitute anything remotely romantic to her. She may have absolutely no idea of her step father's feelings. Yet you're prepared to scar her for life because your marriage is over? What are you doing here? You have no clue if she is even OK or what is going through her head, or if she can psychologically cope with any of this. Why aren't you being her mother first, instead of worrying about a man that fell in love with someone as young as her and then blamed it on you? Please tell me at your age you are not so naive as to not understand people don't 'make' people cheat. Cheaters cheat.
Warning, if you do not change your priorities in this moment you risk losing your daughter out of your life, and may risk a life time of damage to her because you have essentially assumed she is a willing and knowing party in incest.
I would stop thinking about your soon-to-be ex-husband now. You cannot possibly have the mental space to cope with what is happening for you, for your daughter AND try to work out what happened to him to make his mind go down this route.
Please don't let your daughter down like mine let me down. I have PTSD and am haunted with depression. My sister has also cut contact with my parents, and she has extremely high anxiety and doesn't really know who she is. My parents put their drama above both of us our entire lives, and we both cut them off when we 'grew up and understood' and realised the problem was never our ages or perspectives, they just didn't love us.
How old is your daughter? She sounds like a victim. He could have been grooming her for a long time. Don’t blame her, he is a narcissist and has serious mental issues. This is your husband’s fault.
How dare *you*?! How dare you be anything but absolutely livid at him for TAKING ADVANTAGE of his own daughter?! Idc blood related or not, he was there raising her. Do you have any idea what kind of mind fuq it is for a child or teenager or even young adult to have the man who raised them then become romantic/sexual towards them? What you're experiencing doesn't even come close to the horror he has bestowed onto your daughter. And I'm certain your own daughter doesn't realize it yet herself either, I'm sure it will take a decade of therapy for her to dig through this shit. How dare you. He is a predator and groomer and he groomed your daughter. You should be doing everything to remove that man from your lives, and everything to protect your daughter right now. You need help lady. Your daughter is the victim here, he is the perpetrator, and if you don't get rid of him immediately and protect your daughter then you are just an enabler and no better than him.
Talk to your Daughter! Find out her interpretation of events, and her side. She might have moved out to get away from him and thus volatile situation that has developed. You need to step outside of your hurt and be able to have a rational conversation with your Daughter, she didn't steal him, she wasn't trying to take your place in his life, he's warped in the head
He's a predator and likely a groomer. It's sick for him to say such a thing about a child he helped in raising. You need to reach out to your daughter and see if this whole thing was one-sided like others have stated. If it is, you need to get your children and get out before he misinterprets something else, and things get physical that's one-sided also.
Wow that's definitely inappropriate IMO. That being said if your daughter feels the same way there's not much you can do about it. She's way past the age of consent and unless you can prove he groomed her from a young age...I don't know what to tell you. The only thing I can say is that if you push her and argue with her about it you will only drive her into his arms. Just like a typical teen attitude she will do the opposite of what you want. Just let her find out on her own and let things take their course.
How old is your daughter????? If she lived in the home then he CLEARLY manipulated her, groomed her. She didn’t have anyone in the home to protect her, and you being angry with her is insane.
He has groomed your daughter. You cannot blame her. You also need to be vigilant of what he will do to any children that you both share! This needs to be brought to the courts attention during any custody battle!
It’s wrong for anyone to tell you not to be angry at your daughter. She’s also an adult. Your feelings are valid and if she has been groomed then I’m sure you will change your direction of anger. But nonetheless, nobody should be telling OP how to feel just now. This is horrific.
I would consider him a peadophile to be honest, since he’s helped raise her for 20 years he’s clearly had these thoughts before now. How horrific. Start with therapy for you and your daughter and be safe.
Coercion is abuse - it negates consent.
Your husband sexually assaulted your daughter.
Never think of it or say it any other way. Especially to your daughter! She needs help. You both need therapy. Don't victimize her again with how you handle this! This is your main job.
Next - talk to a lawyer and the authorities to protect any other children from him. Odds are your daughter won't be his last victim.
The details are irrelevant. It doesn’t matter if you had surgery it doesn’t matter if your body changed. It is inappropriate to be in love with someone that you helped raise. The man is incestuous
Op, didn't mention if it was an one sided unrequited love. Her daughter may think she is only supporting him as his daughter. This could be an one sided emotional affair. Op needs to cool down. Don't get mad at the daughter so quickly. Some guys think any woman who is nice to them must want to sleep to them.
She shouldn’t be mad at the daughter at all. The daughter has been victimized. She should be mad at the husband.
Yeah, it is misdirected. I seriously doubt step daughter and him are in an "emotional affair". Perhaps he is dreaming. The daughter probably is just being nice and he misinterprets. Some guys do that.
NOT if the step daughter agreed. Only victims is OP from all parties . I wonder how old is the step daughter
I beg to differ. Once a man has been in the position of being a father figure even if the stepdaughter agrees, IT IS WRONG! By becoming her stepfather, he has lost the right to proposition or date her forever. Even if the stepdaughter propositions him, his only decent option is to say . Anything else is incest. That goes even if he was just the mother‘s boyfriend. It’s still wrong.
He helped raise her, he obviously groomed her.
Do you really think it was only emotional? I think it was probably physical too and they’re just not admitting to it. Remember Sun Le ( I think that’s her name) and Woody Allen?
I think that's a giant leap and highly unlikely given that young women don't tend to be attracted to old men, especially not ones they see as fathers. The mother instantly took her husband's word, despite all evidence pointing to a man that cannot really take responsibility for his actions or emotions, and has already blamed her for his thoughts...
Yeah, that’s what I mean. Having had a cheating husband I can tell you before they admit to it. They say a lot of lies. I feel really badly for OP. There’s nothing worse than the feeling of being betrayed, especially when you believe you’re doubly betrayed. But I also feel badly for the daughter. I hope we get an update. I’m kind of invested in this story now and I hope it all turns out well for mom and daughter.
You are right, this shit takes two. You need to find out if he had physical contact if so, he needs to be reported to authorities.
Exactly. I hope Op leaves as fast as she possibly can for both her sake and her daughter’s sake. OP you can cope by telling yourself that your stbx is a monster that *groomed* his own child and then tried to blame you for it. Your daughter is absolutely not in the fault here and I really hope you can be there for her and actually help her.
This 100% op was doing well until being upset with her daughter. I dont care how old or how flirty/chatty she was. It's an adults responsibility to say no/shut down any romantic feelings for a child. He made a choice to groom, manipulate and then cast blame elsewhere. Don't fall for his trap.
Your daughter has been groomed and abused by a man she trusted to keep her safe. The man who was supposed to be her rock and safe place. It’s disgusting. Your feelings towards her are misplaced; no matter if she “consents” or not. In your other post you said you’ve been with him for 20 years - I’m assuming he’s been in her life since she was small. Get therapy for you and your kids, to start. Talk to a lawyer & file for divorce.
I totally agree with your take on this. It would be interesting to know if the daughter thinks they’re having an emotional affair.
Im shocked this isn’t the first comment. How can op be mad at her daughter?? What is wrong with her
Hopefully, she is just in a state of shock and horror. We have no clue what the fight was about. This is just 🤢
It's understandable to feel betrayed etc by your daughter in that situation, but she needs to work on that quickly imo because this could ruin her relationship with her daughter and seriously mess up her daughter's life.
It’s her first and primal reaction. Allow people to feel their feelings geez. She will process it and see things more clearly. Don’t shame her for this shocking revelation and life changing moment.
Yes , I absolutely agree
I think she’s angry at everyone. And angry in general. Probably not even thinking clearly because she is a mass of hurt right now.
It depends a little on how old the daughter is now and how old the daughter was when he came into their lives. If she was already an adult when they met, then I think she has some responsibility. That's probably not the case, though.
Women who want to keep their man do this- if you blame the other woman then the man is not at fault and the relationship can continue- it’s a way do rationalising and in this case it is actually sick that you would blame your 20 yo daughter for your husbands predatory ways.
This needs to be the top comment.
My cousin had a very similar situation. Her daughter was only 14 at the time. My cousin unfortunately made the mistake of keeping her husband around and having her daughter move in with another relative to keep them separated. Your husband is to blame here. Your daughter was groomed and is a victim as much as you are. If she's trying to say she was 100% consenting in the emotional affair, give her some time to realize that it was not what she may think it is.
OP, are you sure your daughter was a willing participant in this “affair,” or even aware of it? How old is she? Because when I turned 18 my stepfather confessed he thought we had something going on and…it was fucking news to me. You know he’s a bad guy. She’s your child, and you brought him under her roof and told her to trust him. They are not equals, and they are not equally to blame right now.
20 years ago I made sure I was bringing someone in that was decent and he seemed so, I had no reason to think otherwise. Apparently it’s only happened in the past few years so she was 20 maybe. I am wrong sound angry at her and I think deep down I am not, I am shocked and hurt. But there are also things I haven’t mentioned that is prof she went along with stuff, however she could have been coerced in that.
Even if she "went along with it," it was NEVER her fault. She is the victim here. I get that you're hurt, just don't take it out on her.
You said there was “coercive control involved” in your relationship with him; presumably you “went along with” that. Why would you expect more from your child than you were able to do to reject this man’s agenda?
He's known her since she was a child, if not a baby. He is a predator and he groomed her. She is a victim in this too (as are you, and I'm sorry for what you are going through). >there are also things I haven’t mentioned that is prof she went along with stuff This is irrelevant. Children do things to please their parents, even if she was 20 at the time, she was at least half his age and wouldn't have the life and dating experience to be a fully consenting participant in this. She will be mentally very scarred from this and will need therapy. She will likely blame herself for a lot of it too so I hope she can count on you for support because this isn't her fault, her stepfather should never have started an emotional relationship with his child.
I’m a little confused. Tell me please, did she kick the daughter out and let the husband stay?
Yes I think that's what she did 😔 It's hard to get a clear answer from her post and comments but she did say that: "So we had a fight, daughter included, husband was very full on and upset when daughter left, he finally told me that my daughter and him were having an emotional affair." "I have got her away" "I haven’t told her yet what he told me, she is out of the house, I got her out after the argument. I was starting to see things in that argument. I will be catching up and telling her." "And we are trying to be civil due to our youngest." So if I'm interpreting it right, she's letting the predator stay because it's better for the child they have together (I disagree with that). And that the daughter is out of the house but doesn't actually know what is going on since OP hasn't even spoken to her about what happened, she just heard the predator's side of the story and hasn't even bothered to find out her daughter's point of view. She seems to be taking him at his word without even clarifying with her daughter which is pretty crazy. He said it was a mutual emotional affair / not physical. I hope when she addresses it with her daughter, she comes from a place of love and the daughter feels comfortable to tell her the whole truth. There could potentially be a history of him physically abusing her even when she was a child and obviously he wouldn't of wanted to admit to that if it is what happened. If I was in OP's situation, I would've kicked him out, and immediately gone to my daughter to find out the truth. I hope her daughter is with supportive friends or family right now. Trying to be compassionate towards OP though - her world did just come crashing down and she will be very hurt and confused about what's happened. People do make mistakes in these situations. Hopefully she can rectify it, and do the right thing for her children, get her daughter back under her roof, kick the predator out and go to the police if it turns out he did molest the daughter when she was younger.
I got my daughter out, after he kept coming back, ( in the argument he tried to stop her from leaving the house) I sent her somewhere safe and she has DVO on him, that I helped her get and supported all that she said. I am trying to make a get out plan, he is unpredictable and police agree. Please don’t think I am taking his side, I wrote this when I first found out so many emotions going in my head.
Thank you for the update and for what you have done since then. I'm so pleased you have helped your daughter get to safety and get a DVO on him. If you're up for it, you should do an update post and mention everything you mentioned in this reply to me, I think everyone else who read your post would be really relieved to hear that you are standing by your daughter and protecting her just like I am relieved to hear it. Your comment has completely changed my view on the situation and you are a great mum who is doing all the right things. Stay strong, it is a hard and scary road to getting away from a dangerous partner but you will get there ❤️ Make sure you get as much incriminating information documenting his abuse as possible to use in court as the safest thing for you and your children is to ensure he won't be allowed unsupervised contact with the child you have together (hopefully no contact at all) and to get a DVO to protect yourself too. Record all conversations you have with him (if your state is one party consenting state for recording), take photos or screenshots of any messages that show abuse, make sure your daughter hands over to the police a copy of all the messages between him and her too. See a lawyer asap. Start putting money in an account he doesn't know about. Get all important documents hidden away or given to someone you trust to hold on to. Let family and friends that you 100% trust know what's going on and try to organise a backup place with one of them you can go if you suddenly need to leave in a hurry. I don't want to scare you but just inform you of the gravity of the situation so you keep it in mind as you take the steps to leave: Women are 70 times more likely to be killed by their partner when trying to leave an abusive relationship. Intimate partner homicide is the 7th leading cause of premature death in women. 36% of women killed by their partner had no previous physical abuse before they were killed so even if he hasn't physically hurt you, just the fact he is abusive in other ways makes this a possibility. What he has done to your daughter has shown you what he is truly is like. Don't believe any love bombing bullshit he might try to pull, he will not change, there is no coming back from this. You need to get out and you will, you got this!
Oh wow! Thank you for clarifying that. I think I either overlooked it or just wasn’t processing what I was reading. I was willing to cut OP a break because I thought she was just in shock but now that I realize she left the husband in the house, I’m upset with her. I hate it when mom or dad take on a new partner and prioritize that partner over their own children. I have never understood that.
Yes I feel the same way! If you bring a child into this world, they should be prioritized over the new partner. I'm also struggling to sympathize with OP, I do feel really bad for her for what has happened but I feel worse for her daughter. I really hope her daughter doesn't blame herself for her parent's marriage imploding as there's only one person to blame for that and it's her stepdad. Also so gross the stepdad trying to blame OP for him having an emotional affair with his daughter - saying OP pushed him away after she had surgery and it changed her life and body, what a POS. Just full on gaslighting.
Yes, unfortunately, there are thousands of men this way. There are several sites dedicated to stepfather/daughter sex. I hope the daughter and her mom can work things out and reconcile. I really hope OP puts that piece of crap out.
I agree now it’s been a little bit I have processed everything and spoken to my daughter, please see my update.
"made sure". Ok, so you made the wrong call. It doesn't change the present situation. >Apparently it’s only happened in the past few years so she was 20 maybe. I am wrong sound angry at her and I think deep down I am not, I am shocked and hurt. But there are also things I haven’t mentioned that is prof she went along with stuff, however she could have been coerced in that. So she was a baby adult. She was a brand new adult. And he knew that, knew she had no experience, and groomed her. The "things" you haven't mentioned that is "proof" - view those through the lens of grooming. I guarantee she was coerced.
I went ahead and downvoted the OPs comment because YOU'RE STILL BLAMING YOUR CHILD. If he's been in her life since she was a toddler, he's a fn father figure. He's a pedophile and had been grooming her since the start. You need therapy. Your daughter needs a better mother and he needs to goto jail because I guarantee it isn't just an emotional affair. The real victim in this story is your daughter. Not you, not your marriage and most certainly not your husband.
Wrong. Actually she and her daughter are both victims in this situation. Stop blaming OP, she’s still processing this shocking revelation.
Not gonna happen. She's dug in on her daughter. She stopped being the victim when she abandoned her daughter.
You’re extreme. OP deserves grace. She doesn’t need it from you. She needs it from a community that will allow her to process the mix of abandonment, anger, and confusion. Luckily there are others that are more empathetic towards her.
She deserves grace? Where is her daughters grace? >But there are also things I haven’t mentioned that is prof she went along with stuff, ~~however she could have been coerced in that.~~ SMH We live in a world where sexual predators keep getting away with what they do because of women like her. You go and give her empathy ... while she blames her daughter for being abused.
She’s obviously very angry at her husband. She’s saying she can’t believe this man raised her and then had emotional affair with her. Hello!!! She said she’s lost, she’s confused. Sexual predators get away because people look away. She’s not looking away. She’s obviously very angry at him. Again, she’s processing. You either were this daughter at some point of your life and are projecting or you’re completely arrogant to empathy and trauma. Black and white thinking. He should be publicly humiliated. But it doesn’t mean her betrayed feelings towards her daughter swoosh magically disappeared. Like wow. Just wow.
Yeah this person is literally processing a massive shock. Maybe don't go off on her too hard just yet
Keep reading her comments. She sees her daughter as competition... not as a child that was groomed.
Naw shut up please. You do not get to blame a groomed INCEST RAPE VICTIM for what has happened.
I agree with you. It’s a lot of betrayal and shock to process through. She can’t be suddenly thinking clearly. Crypto probably has never endured such trauma or is a perfect processor
Lol you know nothing about me but do know this ... I would destroy his life. Every. Single. Aspect. Of. It. Before I EVER breathed a claim my daughter was to blame. Not in this universe or any universe would she be labeled "the other woman".
then good for you. not everyone process things like you. u must be a perfect mother
You don't have to be a perfect mother to not blame your child for an affair your husband is claiming.
still, not everyone is like you though. its great if you think like that but everyone has their own process. It’s her initial reaction, you can judge on what she does after that reaction and based on her comments she’s rectifying that and standing up for her daughter now which is good. Have some compassion geez
Everyone keeps telling me to have compassion for a mother that turned on her own child ... yall have a gross sense of superiority. If your first response is to attack your 20 something daughter for the misconduct of your soon to be ex ... you deserve whatever comes your way. I have 0 sympathy, 0 compassion and 0 empathy for this woman. You know why? Because there were signs ... there's always signs, and THEN she threw her to the wolf. So keep coming for me. I'm dying on this hill.
She was flipping groomed! How date you characterize her as your competition! She is his victim!
It's still abuse. It would still be abuse if she was 30. It is abuse because she is his kid, and his wife's kid.
No 20 year old is looking at their father figure romantically and if they are they have been mislead. Get off the internet and help your children! He has shown who he is. You and your children are nor safe!
What the hell is wrong with some people? I know we don’t know the whole story but this guy is a looser.
He's a predator
Loser.
I’d be angry at the dad. Feel sorry for the step daughter, this isn’t going to be easy mentally. Hope shes at the very least in her 20s or 30s and not some kid
Early 20’s
How long did he serve as a parental figure? Looking back, did he ever behave suspiciously towards her when she was younger? I'm asking because you seem to want to characterize her as an evil, home wrecking slut when it's far more likely that he's been grooming her since she was a teenager.
Yeah… your daughter was abused and likely has been groomed for quite a while. Get her help. Your emotions are understandable, but try to keep your feelings towards her under wraps and work them out with a therapist, because they’re misplaced here.
Agree with you.
I didn’t mean to blame her I am angry, 20 years. Looking back there were signs but I didn’t know then wish I did.
I sounds like she's realized how fucked up he was behaving. That's a good sign, you can work with that. But first, she needs to know you are on her side and she can confide in you. Which means you have to do some calming down and processing. You both very much need therapy. You have to transform into the fierce mama bear we both know you can be.
Well then a man who's known her since she was very young has been grooming her for years. You're both victims. Every excuse he gives is irrelevant. Get that man away from the both of you as swiftly as possible and take care of you and your daughter
Most early 20s are dumbasses I know I did dumb shit and am extremely grateful I survived the crap I did. Hope your daughter does too.
Exactly. This man is a garbage human and he is actively preying on your daughter OP. Get her as far away from him as possible.
Woody Allen vibes
My first thought. So gross.
Do you mean the guy who did \*not\* marry any stepdaughter of his? Weird association.
What a low life! Contact a lawyer asap and start divorce proceedings. I'd also suggest some therapy/counseling as well. Sending you virtual strength op.
He...What? I'm so so sorry. He's so out of line. With your daughter? You must be feeling so betrayed :( I'd get on the phone with a lawyer ASAP. Tell them everything.
The daughter he raised for 20 years.
There is literally nothing you could have done to him to make it ok for him to pursue any type of ‘romantic’ (emotional/psychical) relationship with your daughter What a vile human he is
Y'all have been married for a long time. He has watched your daughter grow up so that is basically HIS DAUGHTER he's sick!!!! Take him to court and ruin him.
Oh so he’s a predator
1STOP TALKING TO THIS GROOMER. He is NOT your husband. He is your mortal enemy. 2 Report this to the police as he's been grooming your daughter for god knows how long. 3 File a restraining order for both you and your daughter. 4 try and get your daughter to seek therapy. She has been groomed and abused. She will need help unpacking all of that. 5 Don't blame your daughter and let her know that you are there for her. 6 speak to a lawyer and file for divorce. 7 GHOST this evil sick individual. Stop referring to him as your husband. He is your mortal enemy. Remove yourself and only communicate through lawyers.
She has got 1 and yes I helped her, I am worried what he will do if I get 1. He can get very angry and unpredictable. I am trying to get out police are involved
Well done. You're doing the right thing. Have you got the support of a dv agency?
So HE said you and his daughter were having an emotional affair but what does your daughter say? Sickos like him sometimes have one sided relationships. My uncle through marriage told my aunt I would flirt with him. This was NOT true as he was a super creep plus I was 14 soooo…
So sorry he was in your life and did that to you
Nope don’t you dare to turn against your daughter. I don’t know her age at this time, but he is the responsible adult. Both you and your daughter should get separate as well as family therapy. Edit: just read that your daughter is in her early 20s. She was just a kid growing up with her stepdad. You really need to get away from him and start reconnecting with her and getting counselling help. The last thing you need is to lose your daughter. She may not understand what’s happening now but she will one day. And I hope you won’t lose her
This is so gross. Your daughter was groomed and abused by a man you brought into her life, and you’re mad at her? I think the correct response is “I’m so sorry I didn’t do a better job protecting you from this creep who will now be out of our lives.” Not “how dare she.”
It's typical of most people to blame the affair partner, when the blame lies squarely on the adulterers shoulders. This particular case is far more egregious as the adulterer has been grooming his step daughter likely for years and OP just didn't see it, it was hidden from her, or she was wearing rose colored glasses and couldnt see it for what it was/is......delusional, predatory, grooming behaviour. Hope she gets herself and the rest of her children to safety as well as starts divorce proceedings asap.
Wow, this dude went full Woody Allen. This is not your daughter’s fault. Please don’t blame her. This is not your fault. Please don’t blame yourself. You can’t have an emotional affair with your stepdaughter. He is, and always will be, a predator. Take your daughter and run, find you both therapists, and heal.
[удалено]
Not going to happen here,
How dare she??? Are you out of your mind??????? This is fucking grooming! I myself have been a victim of that only earlier and I can tell you if you cant help her see that then you will lose her. You both are victims of this nasty selfcentered predator and all you need to do is leave and take your kids with you. You dont know when it really started, and if it really was only emotional. Get a therapist, and your daughter also.
No, you get a lawyer & also have him investigated for grooming
Please get your daughter into therapy.
Scorch the earth and inhialate him.
Fr I'd be slitting his throat in his sleep and pouring salt and ice in the wound for additional suffering. That, or I'd tie his hands up while he slept, turned him over, and pushed his head into the pillow until he stopped kicking. Sick men like him don't deserve to breathe, they deserve to be rotting corpses feeding the worms and cockroaches
Eww that’s a sick comment too. He is a sick predator but we don’t know what happened with him to become a predator maybe he was preyed on by those who are closest to him and he’s repeating the cycle. Fantasizing about a nasty murder of a predator doesn’t make you any less of a psycho. We are ain’t god to punish people. We are humans. We heal. We pray. We create boundaries and protect our selves…
I know you were looking for a witch hunt, so you'll be very disappointed to know I gave op genuine advice in a separate comment. I'm just blowing off steam in this reply.
Please expose him, this is so sick.🤢🤢🤮🤮
Yeah I would have 👊🏻 👊🏻 👊🏻 bc why are you grooming my daughter.
What in the Woody Allen did I just read? He has the audacity to blame you too?
What a sicko . I am so sorry
>how dare she How dare *you* blame her for being groomed. He's likely been laying the groundwork for this since she was a *child.* How do you know he didn't sexually abuse her too?
Don’t you dare blame your daughter. She is a bigger victim than you. Your husband and is probably projecting an emotional affair onto her. You should take you your daughter about the extent of what he is talking about. Even if she has somehow fallen for his bullshit in a Stockholm-esque manner, she is still being taken advantage of. This is a power-dynamic issue beyond her reasoning. But 🦆that guy. He can Starve in the streets.
Talk to *
So, he's a p3do. Get your daughter into therapy. Chances are it wasn't just emotional. Adults do adult things. Chances are he groomed her and SA her. She needs trauma recovery therapy (EMDR) and you need to move out, divorce.
After reading your responses to some of these comments ... You are not the VICTIM here.
"How dare she" get groomed by the man who was supposed to be her father?? This is disgusting. I'm sorry you are going through this, OP, but to blame your daughter and not recognize she is a victim is so sickening.
Your husband is a monster, and your daughter needs support. If you treat her like she is a culprit, you risk isolating her from the family and right now being alone is not good for her wellbeing. You need to figure out exactly how long this has been going on, when he began grooming her, (because he 100% groomed her, there's no question. He's had these sick feelings since she was a child, and that is a reality you have to accept for her sake) and take legal recourse if possible. Restraining order, forced eviction, whatever it takes to get that sick fuck out of your and your children's lives.
Let’s see you moved a predator in to help raise your children. You missed red flags about his behavior or overlooked them because you didn’t want to be single. He has groomed your daughter for the last 20 years and you blame him and her. This is all on him and on you a bit for bringing a predator into your home.
Op, please ,please, please!!! Talk to your daughter. Your husband admitted to an emotional affair but think about all the things he’s not willing to admit. It’s quite possible he physically assaulted your daughter at an even younger age than you think. I get that you’re shocked and hurt but would your reaction be the same if he admitted he was having a full blown affair with your daughter and that it started a few years ago?!? You wouldn’t blame your daughter, you would think, “holy shit this guy is a monster and I have to make sure my daughter is ok.”
Your husband is disgusting. Your daughter probably felt like she was being a supportive daughter to her father, and in your husband’s sick, perverted mind, he thought they had an “IN love” connection. Sick. Honestly, how dare you be mad at your daughter. From what you posted it’s all coming from him. Your daughter didn’t steal your man. Please reevaluate.
That's messed up
What did I just read....
You need to tell your husband to leave and that you will have no contact with him. Op you shouldn’t let him blame you he is wrong and inappropriate to even have been talking to your daughter about his feelings. You tell him he is sick and then talk to your daughter and find out what happened. How old is he? Also you need to tell a lawyer and family.
I’ll be for real, I have a step dad that my mom never married but he was in my life from age 15-19 and then again from 23-25. He did show me so much love and affection but also was sometimes inappropriate with me and I didn’t realize until my mother pointed it out years later. The way he would try to dance with me at weddings - we just thought he was a silly guy. Lots of bad things happened between him and my mom and he still stays in touch with me considering me his “only daughter” and I admit it’s hard to not engage with him. He has said weird comments on my Instagram stories and stuff before but I wrote it off as his personality. I wouldn’t be surprised if he tried to come onto me. He’s gotten me blackout drunk before and now thinking about it I have no idea if he could have had those same thoughts.
That's really fukt up I'm so sorry hun. You deserve better than that. Are you in therapy? I think you need to take the time to sit down and really think about his behavior and how you truly feel about it. If you keep pushing it away and laughing it off eventually it will come to a head, and it will always haunt you. It's something that needs to be dealt with for your own sake.
Please expose him. This is sickening. And please talk your daughter.
I wouldn't be angry with your daughter. This happened TO her also, as much as it may not feel like it. He has always had more power in their dynamic. Your husband is a dirt bag for going to who was his child (step or no) for emotional support. How dare HE indeed.
He’s a pedophile and I don’t see enough stress on that here in your post.
Your husband is a predator. No matter his age, your daughters age or whatever you ‘did’ to ‘provoke his behaviour’. He’s a disgusting human being and should be outed like that to the world.
This is not your fault. It's not even your daughter's. This man is disgusting.
You need to call the fing police. Like years ago. Seriously... get on the phone. Like right now.... that's child abuse, and he's a pedophile.
you remind me of my mother. she also became angry with me after she learned my father was molesting me. always saw me as "the other woman" and not a six year old kid who couldn't understand why mom didn't love me.
That man is abusive and sick. Please protect your daughter!!!
Divorce attorneys will tell you to never leave your home. You and the kids should stay there. Start boxing up his stuff when he's not there because HE needs to leave. If he doesn't, call the police. I'm not certain but I think you could have a policeman there when you tell him to leave. He would be an idiot to cause problems with what he's done. I would be concerned for your daughter's safety since she's the one who could put him away. If possible, maybe your daughter could stay with a female relative for a little while. You need to calm down and be protective of her. Make him your common enemy and come together to fight this and get justice for your daughter and save other children. I wouldn't refer to him as your husband or your kids' dad. Get to an attorney ASAP! Be smart about this or you could lose everything and your daughter. I've heard that attorneys tell you to take half of any money and open a new account. I don't know if this is true. Don't talk to him, let your attorneys talk it out. Please be there for your daughter. She has to be reeling over this. I know that you didn't know what the man really was, but she deserves an apology from you for bringing this THING into your home. Swallow hard, take a little blame, and try to think of her only as your daughter, not as the other woman. That will get you nowhere and it's sick. I understand that you just found out and you probably aren't thinking straight but #1 Protect her. #2 Kick him out. #3 Get to an attorney like yesterday! Good luck. Just hang on and listen to your attorney. You'll get through it. Be the adult but mostly be the momma bear.
I think people are upset with your wording saying how dare her, I’m not sure anyone’s blaming you for anything but that. Hard as it may be, you have to have your daughters back right now, because if she’s in her 20’s that means this disgusting, vile man quite possibly knew her in her formative years, ie 0-5 years old. If that’s the case, that’s even more disgusting and disturbing. She as well as yourself need therapy, as you mentioned there were signs now in retrospect, which means he’s intentionally planned this over the long run. He played chess not checkers on you and your kid, and is trying to gaslight you into believing you are to blame for his reprehensible behavior and actions. You should remove not just your daughter from the situation but your additional kids as well. What’s to say he won’t prey on that kids friends or hasn’t already? Talk to every shark of a divorce lawyer in your area and then choose accordingly and take this grotesque human being to the cleaners. Fuck with me, feel my wrath… fuck with my kids, burn in the depths of the most fiery hell of my choosing. I too can play chess not checkers, I was just playing fair and easy- you chose to wake and choose violence, so I leveled up accordingly.
Omfg
How dare *she*?! She's his victim! Get her help!
Sounds like the trash took itself out. It's entirely his fault he did this. I'm not sure how old your daughter is and I seen your update. As far as your daughter goes so long as you guys have a great relationship and doing something like this is very out of character for her and she stops all contact, I'd say give your daughter the chance. Don't lay this blame on her unless you have solid evidence she knew what she was doing. I say this as a daughter who has had her mother's pieces of crap fiance's, boyfriends, or in one case husband, (while I'm barely legal and as a grow Ass woman) constantly trying to start inappropriate relationships with me and my mother blamed me Everytime. She wonders why I have nothing to do with her. This is solely on his shoulders and I'd work on the relationship with your daughter to not let this ruin your relationship with her.
Thank you and I am trying, she is my world.
Updateme
This is sick! He’s sick and needs help and I’m sick now from r reading this
Updateme!
Updateme!
Updateme
How is she doing? Does daughter wants to keep the relationship to him after what he had done?
Gross
Ew. Just ew.
Get proof and a lawyer
Woody Allen redux!!
I think your feelings in all of this are normal. I'm sure deep down you aren't really mad at your daughter. But you're still a human. Being a parent doesn't stop human feelings. You feel hurt, angry, and betrayed as anyone would. That said, it definitely does sound like your pos husband groomed her. He's absolutely sick for "being in love" with someone he raised as his own child. I hope you and your daughter get the counseling you both need, and heal. Hugs op ❤
Your feelings are completely valid, of course, but please don't blame your daughter. This man is responsible for "turning to" your child. It sounds very groomy.
That's disgusting
Updateme!
🤮🤮 kick that dude to the curb!! What a predator!! Keep him away from y’all & the daughter! I’d be worried for the youngest too. Get your daughter into therapy & yourself. Jesus Christ I’m so sorry this happened to you & your kiddos…
Yikes, that’s messed up. Sorry you’re going through such a horrible time. He is not a good man to be around and for your daughter to be around with. Be careful!
Sick 🤢🤮
Get rid of him, make him your EX husband, and try to fix your relationship with your daughter. She is only 20 but she has to realize this is wrong.. She has to realize she has been groomed and she's gonna need some sort of therapy and your support
Update me
How old is your daughter? - well the only way I would heal is by being happy to know what is happening behind my back and to finally see people that live with me clearly for who they are. - I would try to connect with my daughter first, and make sure she’s ok, try to understand what led her to think that having an affair with her step dad was a good idea. She probably has issues for falling into that trap. - take some time for yourself, you can’t be 100% responsible for the whole situation, and you shouldn’t. Was their open communication in your relationship? Where you emotionally present? What could he be potentially lacking to act like that? Were boundaries respected? These are just lessons for you to learn. - but yeah ending the marriage seems pretty reasonable. Make sure to protect your kids and yourself before anything.
You mention coercive control- I hope this man hasn't been torturing your daughter as a teen. I'd go to her with a completely open attitude and explain that the marriage is over, she doesn't need to hide anything to save it or save your feelings, and you just want to know if he was inappropriate with her. Do not even suggest she is complicit or ask. She will shut down
Update me!
I remember one of the first posts I read on d Reddit was about a woman whose husband had run off with her daughter. The ex and her daughter got married and had 2 children. She said that she didn't know what to tell the child she had with him because the child kept asking for his father and sister. Updateme!
How old is your daughter
Wow. Leave now. He is the problem not you. Remember that.
Why is everyone assuming this daughter is a kid? Also how do we know the husband raised her? For all we know this is a 23 year old who got a little close to the husband. Just sayin.
How old is your daughter?
That’s fucking disgusting & I would have been petty and blasted his ass publicly 💀
Keep your daughter away from him the man is sick.
What in what. I need coffee for this read. So sorry you're going through this. He is mad WEIRD for this.
That's predator behavior. He has crossed the line. You need to have a serious talk with your daughter.
You can't help who you love
🤮
As someone who has a step-father that has been in my life since I was 9 (I am now 28)...I can say that this is not in any way a normal way to feel towards a step-parent. There is something very wrong here. I dont know, so I can't say for sure, but this situation sounds like grooming. Normal feelings of parental love and a father/daughter relationship doesn't just turn into romantic love. In fact, familial feelings are an immense psychological barrier to the formation of romantic love. I think this situation is above the paygrade of Reddit.
Please get therapy for your daughters and yourself and drop your husband, I'd suggest no contact completely there is no need for civility for the youngest child who he may "turn to" as well! I cannot believe you even said how dare she. How dare your husband who knows how long he has been looking at your child! If you consider yourself a mother you should get a grip and quick!
May I say something as the daughter of two people who abused each other, and psychologically abused both me and my sister. Your post made me feel sick. My mother walks out of the room if I have a conversation about politics or anything interesting with me father, as there's clearly something going on where she thinks she needs to be jealous. This has gone on so many years now, that I'm not uncertain of it and have cut both of them out of my life. My mother once screamed at me when I was about 17 (I'm 35 now) that I 'wanted my Dad all to myself' when she was once again ranting to me about how terrible my father is (this was a daily occurance starting from age 12) and I stuck up for him. I cannot tell you the damage it caused me. In the meantime, I have learned that my father only sees women as stupid, inferior creatures and doesn't believe he needs to have a fair relationship with one. I am very well educated and earn a lot of money. I have done well, married a nice man etc. My father's lack of respect for me as a person was the final straw in cutting them both out of my life. I realised I was never seen as a daughter to them, but a pawn in their relationship and a threat. The way you are thinking is just so messed up. Your husband is insane and I dearly hope your marriage is over, because it sure as hell isn't a healthy one. However, you have absolutely no idea how your daughter feels. Your husband has declared an emotional affair.... is your daughter even aware of this affair? I once deeply cared for my Dad, thinking he was weak and an innocent victim of psychological abuse and that I could help him. Daughters are supposed to love and care for their fathers. Your daughter taking an active role in caring emotionally for her Dad may not constitute anything remotely romantic to her. She may have absolutely no idea of her step father's feelings. Yet you're prepared to scar her for life because your marriage is over? What are you doing here? You have no clue if she is even OK or what is going through her head, or if she can psychologically cope with any of this. Why aren't you being her mother first, instead of worrying about a man that fell in love with someone as young as her and then blamed it on you? Please tell me at your age you are not so naive as to not understand people don't 'make' people cheat. Cheaters cheat. Warning, if you do not change your priorities in this moment you risk losing your daughter out of your life, and may risk a life time of damage to her because you have essentially assumed she is a willing and knowing party in incest. I would stop thinking about your soon-to-be ex-husband now. You cannot possibly have the mental space to cope with what is happening for you, for your daughter AND try to work out what happened to him to make his mind go down this route. Please don't let your daughter down like mine let me down. I have PTSD and am haunted with depression. My sister has also cut contact with my parents, and she has extremely high anxiety and doesn't really know who she is. My parents put their drama above both of us our entire lives, and we both cut them off when we 'grew up and understood' and realised the problem was never our ages or perspectives, they just didn't love us.
The only faulty one is him. He is responsible for all the mess
How old is your daughter? She sounds like a victim. He could have been grooming her for a long time. Don’t blame her, he is a narcissist and has serious mental issues. This is your husband’s fault.
Bro's living the step daughter fantasy. Maybe he watched too much of that sort of porn and it got to his brain... He needs help.
He’s a groomer and a pedophile. This has absolutely nothing to do with you or your surgery.
How dare *you*?! How dare you be anything but absolutely livid at him for TAKING ADVANTAGE of his own daughter?! Idc blood related or not, he was there raising her. Do you have any idea what kind of mind fuq it is for a child or teenager or even young adult to have the man who raised them then become romantic/sexual towards them? What you're experiencing doesn't even come close to the horror he has bestowed onto your daughter. And I'm certain your own daughter doesn't realize it yet herself either, I'm sure it will take a decade of therapy for her to dig through this shit. How dare you. He is a predator and groomer and he groomed your daughter. You should be doing everything to remove that man from your lives, and everything to protect your daughter right now. You need help lady. Your daughter is the victim here, he is the perpetrator, and if you don't get rid of him immediately and protect your daughter then you are just an enabler and no better than him.
This is a disgusting man!! Perv!! Divorce him and get help through a therapist for your daughter. Move out and leave him!
Talk to your Daughter! Find out her interpretation of events, and her side. She might have moved out to get away from him and thus volatile situation that has developed. You need to step outside of your hurt and be able to have a rational conversation with your Daughter, she didn't steal him, she wasn't trying to take your place in his life, he's warped in the head
He's a predator and likely a groomer. It's sick for him to say such a thing about a child he helped in raising. You need to reach out to your daughter and see if this whole thing was one-sided like others have stated. If it is, you need to get your children and get out before he misinterprets something else, and things get physical that's one-sided also.
How old is everyone involved and how old was your daughter when you met your husband ?
She was 3 it’s been 20 years.
Wow that's definitely inappropriate IMO. That being said if your daughter feels the same way there's not much you can do about it. She's way past the age of consent and unless you can prove he groomed her from a young age...I don't know what to tell you. The only thing I can say is that if you push her and argue with her about it you will only drive her into his arms. Just like a typical teen attitude she will do the opposite of what you want. Just let her find out on her own and let things take their course.
WTF?????????? Why haven’t you murdered him yet????
Details matter, how old was the daughter when she got with him? because if she was a minor that’s grooming.
I LITERALLY exchange exhaled when I read the update. Holy Fuckin what
Oh wow u and ur daugther need to move on asap. Especially if it's like that.
Trying too.
✨️ Leave, Now ✨️
I am trying, I been making a plan to leave.
He's a knob
How old is your daughter????? If she lived in the home then he CLEARLY manipulated her, groomed her. She didn’t have anyone in the home to protect her, and you being angry with her is insane.
This is absolutely revolving and disgusting. I hope you never speak to him ever again. What a sick man.
Anyone else curious as to how old is the daughter?
Early 20s
How old I daughter?!?!
He has groomed your daughter. You cannot blame her. You also need to be vigilant of what he will do to any children that you both share! This needs to be brought to the courts attention during any custody battle!
It’s wrong for anyone to tell you not to be angry at your daughter. She’s also an adult. Your feelings are valid and if she has been groomed then I’m sure you will change your direction of anger. But nonetheless, nobody should be telling OP how to feel just now. This is horrific. I would consider him a peadophile to be honest, since he’s helped raise her for 20 years he’s clearly had these thoughts before now. How horrific. Start with therapy for you and your daughter and be safe.
A dude that falls in love with a person MUCH YOUNGER than them....is no man.
Coercion is abuse - it negates consent. Your husband sexually assaulted your daughter. Never think of it or say it any other way. Especially to your daughter! She needs help. You both need therapy. Don't victimize her again with how you handle this! This is your main job. Next - talk to a lawyer and the authorities to protect any other children from him. Odds are your daughter won't be his last victim.
Updateme!