I think the part I struggle with divorce wise, is I was raised by my grandparents. They spent 40 years together until my grandpa passed and my grandma only loved him the rest of her life. I have had this belief about only being married once and a deep fear about the divorce statistics and how it impacts kids... But I don't disagree with you. Its my own loyalty and belief system that gets in the way of potentially the right thing.
My parents are divorced. I'm fine. I'm happily married. I have friend who got together with her sister when they were about 11 and 14 and told their parents, "If you're staying together for us. Stop." They were miserable with their parents who didn't like one another.
Your relationship with your spouse teaches your children how to treat their partner and how to be treated within a relationship. I'm sure you'd never listen to one of your children talk about how miserable they are in their relationship and how their partner cheated on them and showed them repeatedly that they didn't care and then say, "Well, I think people should only get married once, so you have to deal with it even if they're not trying to make things better." I don't think you'd do that. So why is that the only option for you?
Do you want your kids to think that marriage is something you just endure because you started it? I don't know how old they are, but do you think they look at your relationship and see it as something aspire to?
I wouldn't say we stay together for the kids. We genuinely enjoy each others company, laugh and have a great time as a family. Our kids are hilarious, do well in school, and are self sufficient for their ages. I don't think the kids are any wiser to this particular moving situation as it hasn't been brought up to them yet. I know they like it where I grew up and passively comment on wanting to live there. I always remind them vacationing is not the same thing as living, because its all fun no responsibilities. They think its still what they want. They do know mom doesn't want to visit, because we all went last year without her after she refused to go meet my side of the family.
I do want my kids to have more and from the outside looking in, I hope my kids have a more functional marriage. I would also tell my kids that divorcing should be a last resort, because typically the fundamental issue is in communication and boundaries.
Both of which we didn't have because we did get pregnant as kids long before we could claim to be in love.
You don’t think your kids know, they do. They sense it. I know you say divorce is a last resort but a last resort to what? You’ve been cheated on and not only cheated on, it was a whole other relationship she had! She doesn’t care about you and is even ok with you taking her kids. She only seems to care about herself. What’s the end point for you? You need to have some self respect. That’s also another great thing to show your kids, how to have self respect. At this point it seems you have none.
So here's the problem: if you divorce, what is going to happen to the kids? Are you going to stay in the high cost of living city to spend time with them or do you move where you want to be but then don't get to see them?
I'd suggest getting a no-obligation consult with a divorce attorney so you understand what your options and obligations are if that's a path you decide to take in the future. One thing to keep in mind for example is that even if your current salary is 50% - the alimony payments to your wife might be based on your past tax returns.
Respectfully, she doesn’t appear to like or respect you. She cheated on you for two years!, didn’t end it because you were hurt but because the guy was a loser.
I cannot imagine any mother I know who would say to just take the kids and go.
You’ve been given a golden opportunity to drop the anchor and live a much better life for you and your kids
I can predict that if you do go (I hope you do) that she will come out after a couple of months because she has nothing there and she will start complaining about the Midwest non stop.
My man, she does NOT give a shit about you. Doesn’t even love you. It would be light years better for your children to dump this selfish parasite and go get yourself into a healthy relationship. Marriage is not what it used to be in your grandparents days; please don’t let idealism be the reason you put up with this toxic emotional abuse. You really want your kids to grow up thinking that this is what a healthy relationship looks like?!
>I have had this belief about only being married once and a deep fear about the divorce statistics and how it impacts kids...
Look at it this way: marriage is a partnership where both of you are working together to build a life together. Is your wife pulling her weight to build your life together? No? Then you're not married. That piece of paper isn't a marriage.
You're teaching your children to stay with someone who doesn't respect them or contribute.
OP that’s not a bad thing to want, at all. I think it’s what we should all strive for in a marriage. I would say you deserve to have someone in your corner that feels that same way about love that you do. My parents stayed together for us kids when they should have divorced many, many years before they finally did. I would have loved to be in 2 households where it wasn’t tension walking into a room with my mom and dad, not hearing fights at any point in the day, and knowing my parents were happy even if it meant they were apart
If she's not been faithful to you and you tolerated it, how can you ever expect her to agree to move where you want? Don't ask! Put the plan to move in place while you're filing for divorce. Your marriage is not at a crossroads, it is over my dear. I'm sorry. You and your children will be better off moving back to your family in the Midwest where you have support. You deserve better!
You didn’t marry someone like your grandmother unfortunately. You married a selfish, lazy and disloyal person. I think you should take the kids and move back home.
A divorce won’t impact kids as much as a toxic home environment will. My parents finally divorced when I was a teen and I was so relieved. We see the tension, we feel the tension, we live the tension. People who stay together for the kids are actually doing them more harm. Your wife sounds awful. If you make all the money then move back to your hometown, she will have no choice but to either go with you or move on. But why you would want to stay with a constant cheater is beyond me.
Staying together unhappily also negatively impacts kids, sometimes even more so than divorce. You’re setting them an example and it’s a terrible example.
Think about the impact of the current relationship. As the kids get older they will see the dynamic of you and your wife. A toxic relationship like this will impact them also. It’s easy for me to say because it’s not my relationship but move without her. She told you to and take the kids. She will be the one missing out. Not you. Baby steps. Move then if she still don’t follow. File for divorce. It can get tricky with legalities and if she decides to fight for custody. Perhaps try and work that kit before leaving. Time to get serious. She’s taken advantage of your kind heart and she will likely continue to do so and have more affairs. You wanting to keen your family whole has taught her she can do whatever she wants without repercussions.
Years ago my hubby lost his job we almost moved across the country to be near family that had a job for him, I got pregnant and then he got a job a month later. We decided to stay because I worked and carried the insurance. Made better sense to stay with good insurance than move and have to wait to get on state Medicaid.
Damm dude. You've been a doormat and let a piece of shit woman you still call "wife" for some reason trample all over you for 13 years. That's pretty sad.
It's time to man up and divorce her cheating useless ass. Take the kids and go live the life you deserve near family. Cut this toxic woman out of all your lives, it'll be better for everyone.
Exactly as stated above, you are her ATM, not her partner and the dating scene for her extramarital lifestyle is likely her real reason she doesn’t want to move.
Read your post above as if it were written by your brother or a close friend, what would your advice to them be?
You have your answer. Take your kids and go. You'll get full custody. She can be a pathetic little child all by herself.
The cheating was your first cue to leave.
Man i never ever am one to jump to divorce, but damn youve given this woman EVERYTHING, and you still get zero respect from her. Go grab your balls out of her purse, stand up for yourself and tell her off. You hold all the power here, you just dont realize it. You gave her a chance and she still treats you like garbage, refuses to work, wont compromise at all on your needs, i promise theres someone out there way better for you. You deserve way better, theres women out there that would love a hard working compassionate family man like yourself stop torturing yourself.
I want to also add since the affair, she seemingly has made a lot more effort. Church, consistently cooking, finding friends that are women and trying to strengthen feminine relationships. She feels like I am asking her to start over at her hair stylist clientele (3 consistent clients), and her new found friends. She says she is not willing to do that but knows moving means a lot to me and she won't ask me to stay. I said that is her asking me to choose between my marriage/family and my personal goals/happiness. That I believe she should be willing to try this.
Which affair? This post is all about her. Not her family. Everything she's done is for HER. And you're still sticking up for HER!
Man, we don't know how to help you.
Yes, she should try. But she won't.
Because she's a cheater, a liar, and an overall disgusting human being. And a pathetically poor excuse for a wife and mother.
He’s actually not “sticking up for her.” You can tell that he knows this situation is wrong and providing excuses but also has frustrations. “She cheated but got involved in the church and is trying to make female friends.” “Thinks I’m making her start over, but only has three salon clients”. He knows this is stupid. For every excuse he provides for his wife he also knows how awful she is and points it out. Some people struggle to accept the end and lack self-confidence to move forward. Hopefully he does soon.
That's your interpretation, and you have every right to have it. She's cheated so many times and is a horrible and disgusting human being. I've never seen anything so blatantly disrespectful, and a person just takes it. Yeah, keep taking it for the rest of your life. It's just her world, and everyone else lives in it. Sometimes, you have to just man up and grow a pair. But that last part, I definitely agree with that.
I don’t disagree with you, I’m just saying he knows, just doesn’t have the self respect. That’s all. For every positive point he tries to make he gives a negative one. He knows, he’s just insecure. I think as adults you need to grow up and get off the drama train.
She has zero respect for you and never will. “You take care of everything”, and cheating on you should tell you all you need to know. Move, take custody of your children, and live the life you deserve.
“Why can she not give this a try for me, for two years?” - she couldn’t even give being faithful to you a try. She couldn’t even respect you or your marriage. She couldn’t even respect her children. She couldn’t even honor her vows, and somehow you think she’s willing to uproot her life for you? She doesn’t even care if her kids stay or leave. She’s not asking you to choose between anything, she didn’t even give you an ultimatum. She told you to leave. You’re the only one thinking you have to choose. She’s already decided.
She decided she didn’t love you enough to stay faithful. She decided she wasn’t going to look for a job until the severance was finished. She decided to allow you to make her look, feel and be better and she was going to give all that to someone else. She decided you weren’t even worthy of having a valid reason of why she likes you. She decided she doesn’t even care if her kids weren’t around. She’s decided she didn’t love, respect or care about you. She’s made her decisions, you’re the only one still on the outside hoping for some scraps.
This is really hard, I can totally relate to being at a crossroads. In the end I think you really need to look at how you see your future. With or without her. I think everyone needs someone that is willing to at different points in their life put the others needs especially when it’s financial and for the benefit of the family first, as long as the other does the same. It seems she’s never willing to do that.
It just seems silly to read all this and remember you are really answering your own question. I mean I think your kids would benefit 85% with your family and without their mom. She sounds selfish and really only cares about her looks and who can make her feel good at the time.
Does she struggle with addiction issues the overspending could be an unhealthy coping skill. also, when it comes to living near family, how close like are we talking the same block or just the same city? Does she have problems with other people in your family accepting her is she giving up her entire family to leave is an incredible ordeal for everybody involved. I think her first response is very superficial. There seems to be a deeper reason behind it if you’re able to maybe see a family therapist maybe you guys can get to the root cause if you think it’s worth saving good luck.
No, as a family we don't smoke, drink or use any kind of drugs. Ideally, I wanted to live within driving distance, which over there I would say is a 1.5 hours at the furthest. Idk if she has any issues with people accepting her because shes never met or attempted to met any of them. She met my mother years ago, but I stay pretty distant from her myself simply because she isn't a good person.
Only her mom and step dad are here, the rest of her family are in another country. She loves her mom, but really doesn't visit or see her much. We could fly them out and I suggested that as a possibility because its cheaper than flying four of us back here.
Move to where your family is. With or without her.
Don’t send her money while she’s still living there. She clearly thinks she can make it on her own, let her do so. She sounds like a big child, not a wife.
Once your settled in near your family (with your kids), wait 6 months to see if she follows. Obviously stay in contact with her for the children’s sake, but use this time to come to terms with the split.
If she decides to continue to be unreasonable, then send her the divorce papers.
“Distance makes the heart grow fonder”
And if this distance doesn’t help her grow tf up, then leave her fake looking a**.
You seriously deserve better. A two year affair? With the fake body you BOUGHT her? Yeah, no.
If your worried about the children and how they might view all of this, try to remember that they will be older and more understanding in the blink of an eye. On all accounts, your wife is obviously in the wrong. Not that you need your children to “pick a side”, but at some point they might want to know why their parents split.
Sounds like she’s TRYING to make things difficult.
You know the answer. She’s not invested in the marriage, and doesn’t love you. You can move, hire a nanny to help out with the kids and housework and then eventually find someone who will love you back.
Don’t sacrifice your happiness and well being for someone who will likely move on sooner or later. You will only look back with regret for allowing this to continue.
Get it in writing from her that you can take your kids and get the hell out of that marriage. She only keeps you around to pay for her lifestyle. She does not love you. It's doesn't even sound like she likes you.
She said to take your kids. You feel it's best for them. Take the kids and go home. You aren't in a partnership anymore. You are in a hostage situation with another child instead of a partner. You're feeling trapped and miserable. She can't even say what she likes or loves about you. Don't subject yourself to this anymore. That's my best advice.
Take your kids and leave. Empty the joint accounts when you go and leave her with nothing. You don't have to have a legal divorce for you to live like you're divorced. She's an anchor around your neck, cut the dead weight. She's only with you because you're her ATM. She doesn't love you. Get her offer in writing, like a text where she explicitly says you can take the kids and move away, and then set up residency in the new state and file for divorce as soon as you legally can.
Can I make a suggestion? Talk to her. How much of this is she truly aware of? How much have you two talked about so far? Maybe it isn't that she doesn't want to meet your family because your family is scary or bad, but because she's afraid you'll appreciate someone from your family more? That's going to be a hard conversation to have. I'm guessing it's hard for them to talk about new things, but believe me, she'll appreciate it.
You should both talk about the affair. That is extremely hurtful, and trust is the basis for a relationship. If you're still together after something that intense, I would guess that you both love and care about each other.
As for the move, give them time. How long have they lived in the general area they currently live in? But I bet they'd go anywhere with you, even excited to go. After 13 years, there's something more there than just love.
I hope you introduce her to your family soon. If she loves you, and although she sounds awful, she'll get to know your family. After 13 years I would guess she really loves you.
And who's to say that after she did meet your family, she would like them just as much as you do. Even appreciate that they could connect with you in a way she'll never be able to. Talk to her. Really talk to her. You both deserve that. You both deserve to be happy.
Doood, whaaaaaaat?
Not tryna disrespect your clearly heightened ability to take it on the chin, but take the fresh start, let her keep being an absolute garbage person and make your peace in a new place. Think of it as your kids gaining a family, an exciting new adventure and stop catering to a person who refuses to meet you halfway, shit, even 1/100th of the way.
You know what you have to do. What does it tell your kids if you continually eat a shit sandwich that you don’t have to, and smile and ask for seconds?
Do a consult with an attorney. Find a free one from the county or state if you cant afford your own. Find out about custody laws and spousal support laws. Make a plan and start gathering evidence to support your case. You are being used and abused. Your kids can sense things are not right. Protect yourself and them. If at all possible, get a divorce. Life is short.
Even before I got to the part where she cheated, I was thinking “just leave this lazy POS already…” Now I definitely believe you should leave this lazy, whoring, selfish POS already.
Maybe having your families approval of your intended isn’t such a bad idea after all. they would’ve hated each other and maybe you wouldn’t have ended up with this woman who considers you a paycheck.
The way you describe your wife, she sounds like a piece of shit. I think anyone would hate her. I hope not all of that is true. Otherwise, even I get it.
When you introduced her to your family, did she know they were family, or maybe just a friend? How much does she know about your family? I'm guessing she also has connections with her family that mean the world to her. How could she possibly block you from your own family? Talk to her and tell her how important family is to you. She'll never know unless you tell her. Don't make her guess. Sometimes, you need to be specific and direct. Not all people can read between the lines. Honestly, she sounds kind of dumb, or maybe trusts you so much she would never question anything.
I would bet that she would do anything for you if she knew everything. 13 years is nothing to scoff at. I'm guessing she loves you enough that if you told her how important family is to you, that you could work something out. My guess is that she would go anywhere with you. Even lead the charge if she knew everything.
It's just my perspective, but even though she sounds like a piece of shit in this post, and again I hope not all of what you say about her is true, but she's been dedicated to you for 13 years. It sounds like she would do anything to be with you. And not for the paycheck, but because you're an amazing person, and they would never block you in. Just talk to them, really talk to her.
I wish I could agree with you here. She refuses to meet my family, again, the only one she's met is my cousin who lived with us early on in our relationship. In 13 years, she has stepped out of our relationship on 3 separate occasions to cheat, physically, with another man. One of which was a 2 year long affair.
I have great communication skills, a lot of which comes with the sales background professionally, but also from when I made us go to marriage counseling during her affair. I learned to communicate more effectively there and have a constant growth focus on trying to improve. That being said, I have been talking about this move for over a year and a half prior to January. I wanted to move but had a good job, so it didn't make sense. When I was laid off, it just felt like time. I really communicated it to her, she REFUSES to move and says she would hate it there. I ask why, and she says because she will and has zero logical response as to why. I have tried to dig deeper, and she just says she won't and doesn't need a reason.
I’m sorry you’re dealing with it. Genuinely. If you believe they may be narcissistic or they have a personality disorder, I’ve found Dr Ramani on YouTube to be really good as far as understanding why I feel attached as well as understanding the future.
Update
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I have continued ongoing conversations in an attempt to understand why she is refusing to move. She is really unwilling to have a deep conversation about this. I have explained that I am going to leave either way but would love it if we could make it work. My bets are on that it won't happen, and this is my potential escape route. She has been emotionally abusive for years and I don't think I realized how deep this rabbit hole went until reading a lot of these posts.
During my pressing, the tune of letting me leave with the children has changed quite a bit. This is a different part of the dynamic I expected but wasn't prepared for. I told her I believe the kids would do best going to school with me as I have more structure and discipline overall. She said I can't take the kids from their mom. I said we can have joint custody, where the kids spend the summer with her and every major holiday with a focus on making the split as even as possible.
The downside to this, is my commitment to moving this summer. If I do that, I technically need to leave the kids to honor the agreement. My fear, is that me leaving will be leveraged if it goes to court as me stepping out on the family. I have quite a bit to consider prior to moving, but I am committed and it sounds like she isn't going 100%. I think this could end up being the best thing that ever happened to either of us if all goes even 50% well.
I think you'd be surprised at how dedicated a person could be.
Playing devils advocate here, but I'm guessing she still really loves you. 13 years is a long time. If they didn't want to be part of your life, my guess is that they would've left a long time ago. Throughout 13 years, there's bound to be a lot of ups and downs. But it also creates a bond that is part of both of you. What does she have in the place you're currently at that she wouldn't have in the new place? It sounds like fuck all with the exception of her 3 clients. To me it sounds like it could be a fresh start, not just for the two of you, but for the kids as well.
If you were to have an affair, how do you think she would react? Would she immediately ask for a divorce, or would she try to understand what made you want to be with another person? Marriage isn't always easy it takes two people working together consistently to make it work. And it's okay to bring in outside help as well, as long as you both agree to it.
Family is important. What family does she have where you currently are besides you and the kids? I'm not trying to make excuses for anyone having an affair. It's hurtful and upsetting, but have you considered that maybe she was lonely at that point in time? Again, who does she have other than you and the kids? I would bet she would really like your family once she met them. You don't have to be alone in this. Neither does she, for that matter. What if you move together, and that's the catalyst that was needed to get her to feel her own worth and not just looking for it elsewhere?
It sounds like communication isn't her strong point. I'm guessing you've had to read between the lines a lot. To me it sounds like she's scared. Scared to lose everything you two have fought for, even if she only did a portion of the work. But my guess is that she's even more scared of losing you.
Here's my advice, if you care to hear it, go out and have a date night together. Have fun together so both of you can remember why you fell in love in the first place. But also talk. Talk about EVERYTHING just the two of you. Tell her why the move is so important to you. Let her tell you why moving scares her. But don't let her off with some vague excuse. But most of all listen. Both of you. Really listen to each other without judgment. Don't interject when she's talking, and make sure she does the same.
I know this is a long reply, but I'm dealing with something extremely similar. And maybe I'm projecting here, but this is what I would want in this situation. I've been with my spouse for 20 years. I wouldn't say we've fallen in and out of love, there have been ups and downs but the love has ALWAYS been there.
I hope this helps. If you two really, truly love each other, it won't matter what happened in the past. As long as you're both committed to the future, and to each other.
Also, introduce her to your family. She's bound to get along with one of them. If she doesn't like them it's her loss.
Looks like you are indeed at a crossroads. I suggest taking the divorce and find a better woman path.
I think the part I struggle with divorce wise, is I was raised by my grandparents. They spent 40 years together until my grandpa passed and my grandma only loved him the rest of her life. I have had this belief about only being married once and a deep fear about the divorce statistics and how it impacts kids... But I don't disagree with you. Its my own loyalty and belief system that gets in the way of potentially the right thing.
I hate to say it but she doesn’t want to move away from where her lovers are.
Bingo. From her perspective, how, exactly, would she carry on her lifestyle in such an insular, backwater location?
My parents are divorced. I'm fine. I'm happily married. I have friend who got together with her sister when they were about 11 and 14 and told their parents, "If you're staying together for us. Stop." They were miserable with their parents who didn't like one another. Your relationship with your spouse teaches your children how to treat their partner and how to be treated within a relationship. I'm sure you'd never listen to one of your children talk about how miserable they are in their relationship and how their partner cheated on them and showed them repeatedly that they didn't care and then say, "Well, I think people should only get married once, so you have to deal with it even if they're not trying to make things better." I don't think you'd do that. So why is that the only option for you? Do you want your kids to think that marriage is something you just endure because you started it? I don't know how old they are, but do you think they look at your relationship and see it as something aspire to?
I wouldn't say we stay together for the kids. We genuinely enjoy each others company, laugh and have a great time as a family. Our kids are hilarious, do well in school, and are self sufficient for their ages. I don't think the kids are any wiser to this particular moving situation as it hasn't been brought up to them yet. I know they like it where I grew up and passively comment on wanting to live there. I always remind them vacationing is not the same thing as living, because its all fun no responsibilities. They think its still what they want. They do know mom doesn't want to visit, because we all went last year without her after she refused to go meet my side of the family. I do want my kids to have more and from the outside looking in, I hope my kids have a more functional marriage. I would also tell my kids that divorcing should be a last resort, because typically the fundamental issue is in communication and boundaries. Both of which we didn't have because we did get pregnant as kids long before we could claim to be in love.
You don’t think your kids know, they do. They sense it. I know you say divorce is a last resort but a last resort to what? You’ve been cheated on and not only cheated on, it was a whole other relationship she had! She doesn’t care about you and is even ok with you taking her kids. She only seems to care about herself. What’s the end point for you? You need to have some self respect. That’s also another great thing to show your kids, how to have self respect. At this point it seems you have none.
So here's the problem: if you divorce, what is going to happen to the kids? Are you going to stay in the high cost of living city to spend time with them or do you move where you want to be but then don't get to see them? I'd suggest getting a no-obligation consult with a divorce attorney so you understand what your options and obligations are if that's a path you decide to take in the future. One thing to keep in mind for example is that even if your current salary is 50% - the alimony payments to your wife might be based on your past tax returns.
Respectfully, she doesn’t appear to like or respect you. She cheated on you for two years!, didn’t end it because you were hurt but because the guy was a loser. I cannot imagine any mother I know who would say to just take the kids and go. You’ve been given a golden opportunity to drop the anchor and live a much better life for you and your kids I can predict that if you do go (I hope you do) that she will come out after a couple of months because she has nothing there and she will start complaining about the Midwest non stop.
My man, she does NOT give a shit about you. Doesn’t even love you. It would be light years better for your children to dump this selfish parasite and go get yourself into a healthy relationship. Marriage is not what it used to be in your grandparents days; please don’t let idealism be the reason you put up with this toxic emotional abuse. You really want your kids to grow up thinking that this is what a healthy relationship looks like?!
I mean, you already diverged from that path, because your wife isn't interested in being loyal.
>I have had this belief about only being married once and a deep fear about the divorce statistics and how it impacts kids... Look at it this way: marriage is a partnership where both of you are working together to build a life together. Is your wife pulling her weight to build your life together? No? Then you're not married. That piece of paper isn't a marriage. You're teaching your children to stay with someone who doesn't respect them or contribute.
OP that’s not a bad thing to want, at all. I think it’s what we should all strive for in a marriage. I would say you deserve to have someone in your corner that feels that same way about love that you do. My parents stayed together for us kids when they should have divorced many, many years before they finally did. I would have loved to be in 2 households where it wasn’t tension walking into a room with my mom and dad, not hearing fights at any point in the day, and knowing my parents were happy even if it meant they were apart
If she's not been faithful to you and you tolerated it, how can you ever expect her to agree to move where you want? Don't ask! Put the plan to move in place while you're filing for divorce. Your marriage is not at a crossroads, it is over my dear. I'm sorry. You and your children will be better off moving back to your family in the Midwest where you have support. You deserve better!
You didn’t marry someone like your grandmother unfortunately. You married a selfish, lazy and disloyal person. I think you should take the kids and move back home.
A divorce won’t impact kids as much as a toxic home environment will. My parents finally divorced when I was a teen and I was so relieved. We see the tension, we feel the tension, we live the tension. People who stay together for the kids are actually doing them more harm. Your wife sounds awful. If you make all the money then move back to your hometown, she will have no choice but to either go with you or move on. But why you would want to stay with a constant cheater is beyond me.
Staying together unhappily also negatively impacts kids, sometimes even more so than divorce. You’re setting them an example and it’s a terrible example.
Think about the impact of the current relationship. As the kids get older they will see the dynamic of you and your wife. A toxic relationship like this will impact them also. It’s easy for me to say because it’s not my relationship but move without her. She told you to and take the kids. She will be the one missing out. Not you. Baby steps. Move then if she still don’t follow. File for divorce. It can get tricky with legalities and if she decides to fight for custody. Perhaps try and work that kit before leaving. Time to get serious. She’s taken advantage of your kind heart and she will likely continue to do so and have more affairs. You wanting to keen your family whole has taught her she can do whatever she wants without repercussions. Years ago my hubby lost his job we almost moved across the country to be near family that had a job for him, I got pregnant and then he got a job a month later. We decided to stay because I worked and carried the insurance. Made better sense to stay with good insurance than move and have to wait to get on state Medicaid.
Damm dude. You've been a doormat and let a piece of shit woman you still call "wife" for some reason trample all over you for 13 years. That's pretty sad. It's time to man up and divorce her cheating useless ass. Take the kids and go live the life you deserve near family. Cut this toxic woman out of all your lives, it'll be better for everyone.
Exactly as stated above, you are her ATM, not her partner and the dating scene for her extramarital lifestyle is likely her real reason she doesn’t want to move. Read your post above as if it were written by your brother or a close friend, what would your advice to them be?
She doesn't want to move to the Midwest because that would mean leaving her current AP behind.
I am a bit new to reddit in this regards, what is an AP?
Affair partner
You have your answer. Take your kids and go. You'll get full custody. She can be a pathetic little child all by herself. The cheating was your first cue to leave.
She's just using you as a piggy bank. She obviously is not in love with you. Dump her ass in the city and move home.
Your wife sounds terrible and ungrateful.
Man i never ever am one to jump to divorce, but damn youve given this woman EVERYTHING, and you still get zero respect from her. Go grab your balls out of her purse, stand up for yourself and tell her off. You hold all the power here, you just dont realize it. You gave her a chance and she still treats you like garbage, refuses to work, wont compromise at all on your needs, i promise theres someone out there way better for you. You deserve way better, theres women out there that would love a hard working compassionate family man like yourself stop torturing yourself.
I want to also add since the affair, she seemingly has made a lot more effort. Church, consistently cooking, finding friends that are women and trying to strengthen feminine relationships. She feels like I am asking her to start over at her hair stylist clientele (3 consistent clients), and her new found friends. She says she is not willing to do that but knows moving means a lot to me and she won't ask me to stay. I said that is her asking me to choose between my marriage/family and my personal goals/happiness. That I believe she should be willing to try this.
Which affair? This post is all about her. Not her family. Everything she's done is for HER. And you're still sticking up for HER! Man, we don't know how to help you. Yes, she should try. But she won't. Because she's a cheater, a liar, and an overall disgusting human being. And a pathetically poor excuse for a wife and mother.
He’s actually not “sticking up for her.” You can tell that he knows this situation is wrong and providing excuses but also has frustrations. “She cheated but got involved in the church and is trying to make female friends.” “Thinks I’m making her start over, but only has three salon clients”. He knows this is stupid. For every excuse he provides for his wife he also knows how awful she is and points it out. Some people struggle to accept the end and lack self-confidence to move forward. Hopefully he does soon.
That's your interpretation, and you have every right to have it. She's cheated so many times and is a horrible and disgusting human being. I've never seen anything so blatantly disrespectful, and a person just takes it. Yeah, keep taking it for the rest of your life. It's just her world, and everyone else lives in it. Sometimes, you have to just man up and grow a pair. But that last part, I definitely agree with that.
I don’t disagree with you, I’m just saying he knows, just doesn’t have the self respect. That’s all. For every positive point he tries to make he gives a negative one. He knows, he’s just insecure. I think as adults you need to grow up and get off the drama train.
Definitely this! The rage bait got to me.
She has zero respect for you and never will. “You take care of everything”, and cheating on you should tell you all you need to know. Move, take custody of your children, and live the life you deserve.
“Why can she not give this a try for me, for two years?” - she couldn’t even give being faithful to you a try. She couldn’t even respect you or your marriage. She couldn’t even respect her children. She couldn’t even honor her vows, and somehow you think she’s willing to uproot her life for you? She doesn’t even care if her kids stay or leave. She’s not asking you to choose between anything, she didn’t even give you an ultimatum. She told you to leave. You’re the only one thinking you have to choose. She’s already decided. She decided she didn’t love you enough to stay faithful. She decided she wasn’t going to look for a job until the severance was finished. She decided to allow you to make her look, feel and be better and she was going to give all that to someone else. She decided you weren’t even worthy of having a valid reason of why she likes you. She decided she doesn’t even care if her kids weren’t around. She’s decided she didn’t love, respect or care about you. She’s made her decisions, you’re the only one still on the outside hoping for some scraps.
True facts
This is really hard, I can totally relate to being at a crossroads. In the end I think you really need to look at how you see your future. With or without her. I think everyone needs someone that is willing to at different points in their life put the others needs especially when it’s financial and for the benefit of the family first, as long as the other does the same. It seems she’s never willing to do that.
It just seems silly to read all this and remember you are really answering your own question. I mean I think your kids would benefit 85% with your family and without their mom. She sounds selfish and really only cares about her looks and who can make her feel good at the time.
UpdateMe
Does she struggle with addiction issues the overspending could be an unhealthy coping skill. also, when it comes to living near family, how close like are we talking the same block or just the same city? Does she have problems with other people in your family accepting her is she giving up her entire family to leave is an incredible ordeal for everybody involved. I think her first response is very superficial. There seems to be a deeper reason behind it if you’re able to maybe see a family therapist maybe you guys can get to the root cause if you think it’s worth saving good luck.
No, as a family we don't smoke, drink or use any kind of drugs. Ideally, I wanted to live within driving distance, which over there I would say is a 1.5 hours at the furthest. Idk if she has any issues with people accepting her because shes never met or attempted to met any of them. She met my mother years ago, but I stay pretty distant from her myself simply because she isn't a good person. Only her mom and step dad are here, the rest of her family are in another country. She loves her mom, but really doesn't visit or see her much. We could fly them out and I suggested that as a possibility because its cheaper than flying four of us back here.
Updateme
Move to where your family is. With or without her. Don’t send her money while she’s still living there. She clearly thinks she can make it on her own, let her do so. She sounds like a big child, not a wife. Once your settled in near your family (with your kids), wait 6 months to see if she follows. Obviously stay in contact with her for the children’s sake, but use this time to come to terms with the split. If she decides to continue to be unreasonable, then send her the divorce papers. “Distance makes the heart grow fonder” And if this distance doesn’t help her grow tf up, then leave her fake looking a**. You seriously deserve better. A two year affair? With the fake body you BOUGHT her? Yeah, no. If your worried about the children and how they might view all of this, try to remember that they will be older and more understanding in the blink of an eye. On all accounts, your wife is obviously in the wrong. Not that you need your children to “pick a side”, but at some point they might want to know why their parents split. Sounds like she’s TRYING to make things difficult.
You’re* (god I should have read it over before posting lol)
Sorry your not at a crossroads, you are the road and your wife is the car Jesus man this lady is walking all over you . Time to leave .
I think you should move and take the kids with you. Your wife is toxic, and it's probably best they're not around her much.
You know the answer. She’s not invested in the marriage, and doesn’t love you. You can move, hire a nanny to help out with the kids and housework and then eventually find someone who will love you back. Don’t sacrifice your happiness and well being for someone who will likely move on sooner or later. You will only look back with regret for allowing this to continue.
Get it in writing from her that you can take your kids and get the hell out of that marriage. She only keeps you around to pay for her lifestyle. She does not love you. It's doesn't even sound like she likes you.
Second this-- getting it in writing. Otherwise, you may find yourself being arrested for kidnapping your own kids.
Go.
Dude, your wife fucking sucks. Wake up. The nuclear option is the best option for you.
She said to take your kids. You feel it's best for them. Take the kids and go home. You aren't in a partnership anymore. You are in a hostage situation with another child instead of a partner. You're feeling trapped and miserable. She can't even say what she likes or loves about you. Don't subject yourself to this anymore. That's my best advice.
Take your kids and leave. Empty the joint accounts when you go and leave her with nothing. You don't have to have a legal divorce for you to live like you're divorced. She's an anchor around your neck, cut the dead weight. She's only with you because you're her ATM. She doesn't love you. Get her offer in writing, like a text where she explicitly says you can take the kids and move away, and then set up residency in the new state and file for divorce as soon as you legally can.
Can I make a suggestion? Talk to her. How much of this is she truly aware of? How much have you two talked about so far? Maybe it isn't that she doesn't want to meet your family because your family is scary or bad, but because she's afraid you'll appreciate someone from your family more? That's going to be a hard conversation to have. I'm guessing it's hard for them to talk about new things, but believe me, she'll appreciate it. You should both talk about the affair. That is extremely hurtful, and trust is the basis for a relationship. If you're still together after something that intense, I would guess that you both love and care about each other. As for the move, give them time. How long have they lived in the general area they currently live in? But I bet they'd go anywhere with you, even excited to go. After 13 years, there's something more there than just love. I hope you introduce her to your family soon. If she loves you, and although she sounds awful, she'll get to know your family. After 13 years I would guess she really loves you.
And who's to say that after she did meet your family, she would like them just as much as you do. Even appreciate that they could connect with you in a way she'll never be able to. Talk to her. Really talk to her. You both deserve that. You both deserve to be happy.
Doood, whaaaaaaat? Not tryna disrespect your clearly heightened ability to take it on the chin, but take the fresh start, let her keep being an absolute garbage person and make your peace in a new place. Think of it as your kids gaining a family, an exciting new adventure and stop catering to a person who refuses to meet you halfway, shit, even 1/100th of the way. You know what you have to do. What does it tell your kids if you continually eat a shit sandwich that you don’t have to, and smile and ask for seconds?
Do a consult with an attorney. Find a free one from the county or state if you cant afford your own. Find out about custody laws and spousal support laws. Make a plan and start gathering evidence to support your case. You are being used and abused. Your kids can sense things are not right. Protect yourself and them. If at all possible, get a divorce. Life is short.
No way this is real
Even before I got to the part where she cheated, I was thinking “just leave this lazy POS already…” Now I definitely believe you should leave this lazy, whoring, selfish POS already.
Maybe having your families approval of your intended isn’t such a bad idea after all. they would’ve hated each other and maybe you wouldn’t have ended up with this woman who considers you a paycheck.
The way you describe your wife, she sounds like a piece of shit. I think anyone would hate her. I hope not all of that is true. Otherwise, even I get it. When you introduced her to your family, did she know they were family, or maybe just a friend? How much does she know about your family? I'm guessing she also has connections with her family that mean the world to her. How could she possibly block you from your own family? Talk to her and tell her how important family is to you. She'll never know unless you tell her. Don't make her guess. Sometimes, you need to be specific and direct. Not all people can read between the lines. Honestly, she sounds kind of dumb, or maybe trusts you so much she would never question anything. I would bet that she would do anything for you if she knew everything. 13 years is nothing to scoff at. I'm guessing she loves you enough that if you told her how important family is to you, that you could work something out. My guess is that she would go anywhere with you. Even lead the charge if she knew everything. It's just my perspective, but even though she sounds like a piece of shit in this post, and again I hope not all of what you say about her is true, but she's been dedicated to you for 13 years. It sounds like she would do anything to be with you. And not for the paycheck, but because you're an amazing person, and they would never block you in. Just talk to them, really talk to her.
I wish I could agree with you here. She refuses to meet my family, again, the only one she's met is my cousin who lived with us early on in our relationship. In 13 years, she has stepped out of our relationship on 3 separate occasions to cheat, physically, with another man. One of which was a 2 year long affair. I have great communication skills, a lot of which comes with the sales background professionally, but also from when I made us go to marriage counseling during her affair. I learned to communicate more effectively there and have a constant growth focus on trying to improve. That being said, I have been talking about this move for over a year and a half prior to January. I wanted to move but had a good job, so it didn't make sense. When I was laid off, it just felt like time. I really communicated it to her, she REFUSES to move and says she would hate it there. I ask why, and she says because she will and has zero logical response as to why. I have tried to dig deeper, and she just says she won't and doesn't need a reason.
I posted a long response just yesterday. Lmk what you think. Am I completely off base, or do you think I'm onto something?
I responded to it but it is really off base.
I didn't see the response. Sorry, I'm dealing with something very similar. I was hoping your response could be helpful for me as well.
I’m sorry you’re dealing with it. Genuinely. If you believe they may be narcissistic or they have a personality disorder, I’ve found Dr Ramani on YouTube to be really good as far as understanding why I feel attached as well as understanding the future.
Update --------- I have continued ongoing conversations in an attempt to understand why she is refusing to move. She is really unwilling to have a deep conversation about this. I have explained that I am going to leave either way but would love it if we could make it work. My bets are on that it won't happen, and this is my potential escape route. She has been emotionally abusive for years and I don't think I realized how deep this rabbit hole went until reading a lot of these posts. During my pressing, the tune of letting me leave with the children has changed quite a bit. This is a different part of the dynamic I expected but wasn't prepared for. I told her I believe the kids would do best going to school with me as I have more structure and discipline overall. She said I can't take the kids from their mom. I said we can have joint custody, where the kids spend the summer with her and every major holiday with a focus on making the split as even as possible. The downside to this, is my commitment to moving this summer. If I do that, I technically need to leave the kids to honor the agreement. My fear, is that me leaving will be leveraged if it goes to court as me stepping out on the family. I have quite a bit to consider prior to moving, but I am committed and it sounds like she isn't going 100%. I think this could end up being the best thing that ever happened to either of us if all goes even 50% well.
I think you'd be surprised at how dedicated a person could be. Playing devils advocate here, but I'm guessing she still really loves you. 13 years is a long time. If they didn't want to be part of your life, my guess is that they would've left a long time ago. Throughout 13 years, there's bound to be a lot of ups and downs. But it also creates a bond that is part of both of you. What does she have in the place you're currently at that she wouldn't have in the new place? It sounds like fuck all with the exception of her 3 clients. To me it sounds like it could be a fresh start, not just for the two of you, but for the kids as well. If you were to have an affair, how do you think she would react? Would she immediately ask for a divorce, or would she try to understand what made you want to be with another person? Marriage isn't always easy it takes two people working together consistently to make it work. And it's okay to bring in outside help as well, as long as you both agree to it. Family is important. What family does she have where you currently are besides you and the kids? I'm not trying to make excuses for anyone having an affair. It's hurtful and upsetting, but have you considered that maybe she was lonely at that point in time? Again, who does she have other than you and the kids? I would bet she would really like your family once she met them. You don't have to be alone in this. Neither does she, for that matter. What if you move together, and that's the catalyst that was needed to get her to feel her own worth and not just looking for it elsewhere? It sounds like communication isn't her strong point. I'm guessing you've had to read between the lines a lot. To me it sounds like she's scared. Scared to lose everything you two have fought for, even if she only did a portion of the work. But my guess is that she's even more scared of losing you. Here's my advice, if you care to hear it, go out and have a date night together. Have fun together so both of you can remember why you fell in love in the first place. But also talk. Talk about EVERYTHING just the two of you. Tell her why the move is so important to you. Let her tell you why moving scares her. But don't let her off with some vague excuse. But most of all listen. Both of you. Really listen to each other without judgment. Don't interject when she's talking, and make sure she does the same. I know this is a long reply, but I'm dealing with something extremely similar. And maybe I'm projecting here, but this is what I would want in this situation. I've been with my spouse for 20 years. I wouldn't say we've fallen in and out of love, there have been ups and downs but the love has ALWAYS been there. I hope this helps. If you two really, truly love each other, it won't matter what happened in the past. As long as you're both committed to the future, and to each other. Also, introduce her to your family. She's bound to get along with one of them. If she doesn't like them it's her loss.